All language subtitles for Superstore s04e03_Eng

- Okay, I'll go in first.

- Wait, maybe I should
go in first.

- It doesn't matter
who goes in first.

We just can't go in together,

'cause it's gonna
look suspicious.

- Well then,
if it doesn't matter,

I'll go in first.
- That's fine, go in first.

I'm happy to sit here
for ten minutes

and listen to the radio.
- Okay, no, you go in first.

- Oh.
- Amy.

Hey. Listen.

Sorry for accidentally
texting you that nude.

- No worries.

- What's Jonah doing in there?

- Oh, hey, Dina.
Uh, I was just

looking for this
Del Taco receipt

for 12 tacos.

- You must have been
very hungry. No judgment.

- So did you two
drive together?

- Um, yes? We did.

We are carpooling
to save some money.

- And the environment.

- Well, saving money
is reason enough.

No need to keep explaining.

- What's going on?

- Nothing!
- Maybe we should get inside?

- Amy and Jonah are carpooling.

- Oh! I'm in.
Carpool karaoke.

- What's carpool karaoke?

- You know how people like
to sing in the car? That.

- Well, that settles that.
Dina, you're blocking my door.

- Hey, Sayeed!
Amy and Jonah are carpooling!

- Whoo! Carpool Karaoke!

- That's what I said!
[laughs]

- That's what she said!

- That's... wild.

[upbeat music]

♪

- It doesn't make any sense.
Why are you guys carpooling

when you live so far apart?

You literally have to drive
past the store

to pick each other up.

- I'm surprised this hasn't
occurred to either one of you

during your long morning drives
to each other's houses.

- You know what, Cheyenne?
You are really good

at this logistics stuff.
You should be planning

everybody's carpools.

- Really? You think so?

- Yeah, you're really great
at it.

- You have a gift
for logistics.

- Oh, because I could. I mean,
I could do it right now.

- Now would be great.
- Okay. I'm gonna.

- Get it, girl!

- Why don't you just tell
everybody you're dating?

This is the most boring secret
I've ever had to live with.

- We don't need everybody
in our business, okay?

This place loves gossip.

- Well, at least get better
about hiding it.

- What are you talking about?

We're not acting different
around each other.

- I mean, it's obvious to me,

but I'm more perceptive
than most.

Most people didn't even notice
that Henry and Jay

have been hooking up.

I mean, it seems obvious to me.

- There's an opening
at the Fenton's store,

and they said
that I could transfer.

You just need to sign
this form.

- Wait, is this about Jonah?

Because I can make him
take you back, okay?

Yeah, I'm his boss.
He's gotta do what I say.

- That's so generous of you
to offer

to force someone to be with me.

Makes me feel really good
about myself.

- It should.

- Uh, but no,
this isn't about Jonah.

I mean, the Fenton location is
just a lot closer to my house.

- Well, if everyone only worked
at places that were close

to their house, then I'd only
work at my neighbor's.

- Yeah, that's a good point.

- Should we get a scented
candle for our nightstand?

- Yeah.

- This one smells like
peanut butter.

- Oh!
[laughs]

I already got a jelly one.

- PB&J.
- [laughs]

- Jay!

What are you doing here?

- Jerry and I
are moving in together.

- Oh. Wow.
Congratulations, Sandra.

Enjoy my HPV.

- Thank you.

- Hey, Mateo,
how many times in a row

have you been
employee of the month again?

- Oh, I don't even keep track.

- I think it's at least three--
- Five, it's five. Five.

- Wow. That's a good run.

Um, Kelly wants to transfer
to a different store,

and I was thinking
maybe it's because

she doesn't feel
appreciated here.

So, then I was thinking,

"What if we made her Employee
of the Month this month?"

- Like, both of us
at the same time?

- Well, maybe just her,
you know, as a token,

to make her feel special.

- Ah. What a cool idea.

- Thank you.

- So we would take it
away from me--

- Yup.
- And give it to her.

- Yes!

- Love that, so much.

- Great.

- Although I do wonder--
devil's advocate...

- Mm-hmm?

- If it somehow cheapens
the award

by just handing it out
to anyone, if that makes sense.

- Well, she's not just anyone.
I mean, Kelly is wonderful.

- Oh! Absolutely.
Without a doubt.

Kelly's a delight.

But at the same time,
she's also, you know,

terrible... at the job.

- Yeah.

- I got a map and marked down
where everyone lived,

and then I used logistics
to figure out

the most efficient carpools.

- Wow. You really put
a lot of effort into this.

- Yeah, I haven't sold,
like, anything today.

Like, nothing.

- A few thoughts: you've got
Mark riding with Terrence.

They hate each other.

Sarah and Rob are going
through a divorce.

Sarah had that secret family.
So did Rob.

Um, see this line
between Heather and Cody?

That's a river.
So how are they carpooling?

Submarine? Yeah.

Herman's riding with Rico,
but Rico's got BO,

and Herman's dead.

You can't put Phil
with anyone Korean.

He's not racist.
He's too into it.

And I wouldn't ride with Elias

even if you promised
to murder my entire family.

But, uh, other than those,
nice work.

- Do you think Garret's right?

Are we acting like
we like each other?

- I don't know, I mean,
maybe I'm...

annoying you
less than I used to.

- Ah, no, that's not it.
- Oh, yeah?

Name three things I do

that are actually annoying
to you.

- Just three?
- And you can't say--

can't say asking this question.

That doesn't count.
It's too easy.

Okay, come on.
Let's hear 'em.

- You know what?
Enough chit-chat.

Get back to work.

- What are you doing?
I'm just joking.

I was working
until you interrupted me.

- Just do your job, Jonah.
- You do your job, Amy.

- I am doing my job--
telling you to do your job.

- Not bad.
- That was good.

- Today, we honor

one of our most valued
and cherished employees.

On behalf of store 1217,
it is my privilege

to award the Golden Vest...

to Kelly Watson!

- What?

- Wait.
The Golden Vest?

- Yes. It's one of Cloud 9's
highest honors.

- Oh, Glenn, you really don't
have to do all of this.

- Shh.
The Golden Vest!

[whispers]
Cheyenne.

- Congratulations.
- Yay.

.

[irreverent pizzicato music]

- Really, Jonah?

You're spraying all-purpose
cleaner on the fruit?

- You know what?
Chill out.

I'll fix it, all right?
Stop shrieking.

- Oh, so anytime a woman tells
you what to do, it's shrieking?

- Oh, don't make this
about sexism.

- Have you ever looked
in the mirror,

listened to your own voice--

- It's about being a lunatic!

- Listen to yourself.
You're shrieking!

God, I hate that guy.

- So sparkly.

- I'm sorry?

- All these months.
Playing dumb.

Just playing so dumb.

All the time!
[chuckles]

Well, you knew
exactly what you were doing.

You were going for the gold.

- Are you talking
about the vest?

- You can drop the act,
Helen Mirren.

You got what you wanted.

- Mateo, you know
that this is just

some silly
made-up award, right?

I mean, it's completely
meaningless.

It's like
Employee of the Month.

- You are the most petty,
jealous, and bitter person

I've ever met.

- [sighs]

I gotta get the [bleep]
out of here.

- Need help
finding anything, Jer-Bear?

- Yeah, I'm looking
for some art

with just, like, words on it.

Like maybe it says dream
or cat or merlot.

I don't know,
I'm not an artist.

- Let's see what we can find.

You look amazing, by the way.

What have you lost,
like, 10 pounds?

- I don't know.
I've never weighed myself.

- [laughs]

You are so funny!

You make me laugh
harder than anybody!

I mean, I am laughing
so hard, I am crying.

[laughs]

Oh. Oh, sorry.

I forgot I wasn't
wearing a bra.

- Uh, that's okay.

- I am so embarrassed.
Don't look at my face.

- Nobody cares about your
obnoxious opinions, Jonah!

- Oh, obnoxious!

That's a pretty big word
for you, Amy!

- Oh, sure,
keep on calling me dumb,

you slick-haired, insecure,
sad little fancy boy.

- What an insulting

and antiquated thing
for you to say to me.

You know what?
If I'm a fancy boy,

you know what you are?
- No, what am I?

- You are a loud-mouthed,
domineering, crazy little--

[whispering] Is bitch too--
- No, it's good.

- Bitch!

Yeah, I said it.

- Don't you use that word
with me!

Take this!

- Ow!

You shoved me, Amy!
What is wrong with you?

- Yeah, I did.

What are you gonna do
about it, you wuss?

Ow!

Um, why would you
slam my clipboard

on the floor like that?

- Nice pivot.

- And then I realized
that Dom always says

creepy things to women
when he's alone with them.

So I had him pick up Jarrett
before Amanda.

But then the problem was,
who is driving Debbie?

And then I remembered,
Debbie had that cocaine problem

so she can't smell a thing.

Which brings us back
to Kyle the farter.

Boom.

- Now, you know
a lot of these people

don't work
the same shift, right?

- Thank you for bringing that
to my attention.

- I mean, they wouldn't even be
at the store at the same time.

- Okay, yeah, I get your point.

- Hey!

- Keep your saggy boobs
to yourself.

- Oops.
Did Jerry say something?

I didn't hear him complain
at the time.

- That's because
he's very soft-spoken.

- Ow. Stop.

- You stop.

- There she is.
Mrs. Golden Vest.

She's the best.

- Did you sign
my transfer papers yet?

- But you won the Golden Vest.

- Glenn.

- Come on, don't leave us.

I mean, I know it's not
a perfect workplace,

but we love each other here.

- Keep your hands off him!
He's mine!

- Excuse me, I've got to go
stop the love.

- Oh, great,
working next to Amy.

I can't wait to be scowled at.
- No!

You do not talk
to my best friend that way.

- No, Dina--
- Butt out, Amy.

Listen to me, you rejected
American Girl doll.

You think you're so great?

Your boyish good looks
aren't gonna age well.

You're hitting a wall,
pretty boy,

at a hundred miles an hour.

Yeah, you can already see it.

The crow's feet,
receding hairline, hunchback.

To think I used to
masturbate to you.

♪

- Oh.
- Multiple times a day.

.

- What is going on
in this store?

- Jonah and Amy are
at each other's throats.

Somebody started a Twitter
campaign, #GoldenVestSoWhite.

I mean, it's just
been tense lately.

- It must be my fault.

It's like they say,
the fish rots from the head.

- What are you talking about?

- It's the expression.
Fish rots from the head.

- I've never heard of that.

Why would it rot
from the head first?

It would all rot
simultaneously.

- The point is,
if things are toxic here,

it's my job to fix it.

- If anything,
the guts would rot first,

they're full of feces.

Where are you getting
this head thing?

I mean, whoever told you that
was not an ichthyologist.

- I don't care how a fish rots.

- Well, I don't care for you
spreading lies about fish.

- How is that a lie?

[tinny music playing
over stereo]

♪

A toxic workplace
is a workplace

where an employee feels
both unhappy and unwelcome.

Now, what could cause that?

- Uh, your supervisor being
a giant pain in the ass?

- Oh, wow, Jonah had
a little comment, shocking.

- Wow. Those two
really don't get along.

- Well, no, no,
this is a perfect example.

Like, you need to
communicate better.

Look, let's practice.

Who wants to say
something critical about me?

- Oh! Oh, Oh, Oh.
Pick me.

Pick me.
I've got so many.

- Uh...
- Come on.

- Anyone? Amy!

Why don't you say
what you don't like about me?

-Um, no, there really
isn't anything.

- Oh, come on.
I'm not made of glass.

- Uh, okay.
[clears throat]

I guess if I had to
make a complaint,

because you're forcing me to,

I don't love the way
you pronounce "measure."

- Mm-hmm.

Okay. Good.

It's just... kind of hard
to shake off here.

Really took the wind
out of me, but...

Okay, we're back, okay.
All right, moving on, um...

No, I'm gonna need
another minute.

[light music plays]

♪

Okay, so one way
to deal with conflict

is to try and see it from the
other person's point of view.

Uh, for example, these two
had a terrible breakup,

which left Kelly feeling
a lot of pain.

So, Kelly, I want you
to imagine that you're Jonah,

and I want you, Jonah, to tell
Kelly how you're feeling.

Yeah, you can do this.

- Okay, uh, Kelly, I'm sorry
I was such a bad boyfriend.

But I also realize
that you should be able

to transfer stores
if you want to.

- Um, yeah.
That-that was okay.

You know, it's always
a little rough at first.

Now, Kelly, I want you to tell
Jonah what you're feeling.

- You know what--
actually, I'm sorry--

could you have them
switch clothes?

It would help me visualize it.

- That's interesting.

- I'm just gonna do it
like this, okay?

Jonah, I don't feel
you were fair to me--

- Wait a minute.
This sounds nothing like Kelly.

It's more like...

[high-pitched]
Hi, everybody! I'm Kelly!

Nope. Wait. Hold on.
Let's do this.

Nice and accurate.
How about it?

- Dina, it's not about
doing impressions.

- Hey, it's me, Kelly!

Boy, it sure is
windy out today.

Whoa!

- That seems unnecessary.

- Jonah, you told me
you loved me.

And then you dumped me
so that you could

have sex
with that pregnant whore.

- Hey!

- These are Kelly's words.
Not mine.

- I don't sound like that.

- It's a little more squeaky,
like...

[high-pitched]
Hey, everybody, I'm Kelly!

- No, it's more like...

[high-pitched]
Hi, everybody, I'm Kelly!

- [high-pitched]
Hi, everyone, I'm Kelly!

- It's your girl, Kelly!

[all impersonating Kelly]

[light music plays]

♪

- [as Fran Drescher]
Oh, my God.

These customers
are so handsome.

How am I supposed
to work checkout?

I'm too busy checking them out.

- Okay.
Thank you, Cheyenne.

Now we know what
it would sound like

if Fran Drescher worked
at Cloud 9.

- Ah. That was so good.

- [as Fran Drescher]
Aww, thanks, doll.

- I don't understand
how this is helping.

- I don't even know anymore.

- Oh, wait, wait, wait.
Who is this?

I'm Sandra, and I'm a dirty
slut who goes around

stealing other people's
boyfriends.

- Oh, yeah?
Well, who is this?

I'm Carol, I'm a jealous
psycho stalker who can't take

the fact that Jerry
chose Sandra over me.

And now
they're moving in together,

and they're gonna be
so happy.

And I'll be alone.
Which is sad.

Because maybe I was happy
with Jerry.

But Sandra didn't care
about my feelings.

She just took what she wanted.

Which people have
always done to her.

Maybe I only seem crazy
because I'm lonely.

Just a person who had love,
and now it's gone.

- Wow, Sandra.

That was--
good breakthrough.

- Yeah, but that didn't
solve anything.

- It's not about solving.

It's about communication
and empathy.

- Screw empathy.
I want Jerry back.

- What? No.

- Finders keepers.
That is the law.

- I think she should
give him back.

- How do we decide?

- We could let Jerry decide.

- How about we flip a coin?

Winner takes Jerry, agreed?

- No, I don't think--
- I'm good with that.

- You guys, this is crazy.

- Let the coin do its work.

- Guys, listen, I'm not
agreeing to give Jerry up.

- Sandra, call it in the air.
- No, no, heads!

- Tails.
Carol, he's all yours.

- Yes!

[all gasping]

- No.

- [as Fran Drescher]
Uh-oh! [laughs]

- [laughs]
So good.

.

- Hey, how's it going?

- Well, should I answer that
as Jonah or Kelly?

I don't do a really good Jonah.
How is your Kelly?

- [as Kelly]
Hey, everybody, I'm Kelly.

- [laughs]

- Um, you were right.

I-I was a bad boyfriend.

I'm sorry.

But I hope that's not
the reason you're leaving.

- It's--I don't know.

It's just time
for me to move on.

Try something new.

Like, um, like, what's
it like to stock flatware

at a different Cloud 9?
I want to find out.

- I can't even imagine.

- It doesn't matter anyway.

I can't get Glenn
to sign the transfer.

[as Glenn] Because we're
a family, and I'm a man baby

who won't let anyone leave!

I can do impressions too.

- I can do impressions too.
- Oh, yeah?

- Yeah, do you know Gail?
- Uh, no?

- Ah, too bad.
I do a great Gail.

- For each day of the week,

each route has
three variations--

one primary and two alternates

based on shifts
and road closures.

Now, if you're that week's
ride captain,

it's your responsibility
to delegate and sub-delegate--

- I'm sorry,
I don't want to carpool.

- Well, why wouldn't you--

- My drive is my
only "me" time.

And I don't want
to clean my car.

- I agree.

This just seems like I'd
have to leave my house

a lot earlier
and get home a lot later.

- I need my car here.

It's where I go
to cry at lunch.

- I don't know, Mateo...
I'm starting to think

that whole meeting
was a waste of time.

- Cheyenne killed.

- Hey, Glenn, uh,
I've been thinking.

What if the problem wasn't
actually a toxic workplace

but a toxic worker?

- Elias is my brother-in-law.
Jerusha would kill me.

- Oh, no, no, no.
That's not--

no, I actually
was thinking Kelly.

- Kelly?

- She's negative,
she's unpleasant.

- She kicked a child.

- What?
- Well, that's not--

I don't--
I don't know that to be true.

But I do think
that Kelly is the problem.

I mean, think about it.
Before she worked here,

did you think
of this place as toxic?

- No.
- And what about now?

- Oh, my God.

- So it's just over?

- I'm sorry.
I tried as hard as I could.

- Did you say best
two out of three?

- No... I wish
I had thought of that.

- I wish you had too.

I'll always love you.

- That doesn't matter.
You're with Carol now.

- Can we still be friends?

- Carol said no.

- I don't appreciate
you trashing me

and laughing behind my back.

- I never laugh at you, Jonah.
You never say anything funny.

- Oh, hey,
there's nobody else around.

We can stop.

Do you, uh, do you feel like
seeing a movie tonight?

- No I don't feel like
seeing a movie right now.

- I just said
there's nobody around.

We don't have to fight anymore.

- Okay, well I can't just
switch it off on a dime.

- So are we still fighting?

- Yeah, kind of.

Just give me a minute.
It'll fade.

- Take all the time you need--
- Don't tell me what to do.

- Well, good luck
to you, Kelly.

- Thank you, Glenn.
Bye!

- Bye!
- Bye, Kel!

- Good luck
to the Fenton store.

They are going to need it.

[irreverent music]