Original subtitles

Sometimes the world looks perfect

Nothing to rearrange

Sometimes you just get a feeling

Like you need some kinda change

No matter what the odds are this time

Nothing's gonna stand in my way

This flame in my heart like a long lost friend

Gives every dark street a light at the end

Standing tall

On the wings of my dream

Rise and fall

On the wings of my dream

The rain and thunder

The wind and haze

I'm bound for better days

It's my life and my dream

And nothing's gonna stop me now

What are you doing?

I'm gonna put ice cream in the punch.

You don't put it in now!

It's gonna melt before Balki gets here.

Well, you, you're putting the soda in!

Soda doesn't melt.

Don't you know anything about making punch?

Oh, I can make a punch!

Maybe, I should have gone down to the school with Balki.

Uh, he was so nervous.

Larry, you can't take his entrance exam for him.

It's just one of those things has to do on his own.

But getting into college is so important to Balki.

Gosh! Balki going to college?

It seems like he just graduated from high school.

He did just graduate from high school.

Oh, right.

You know, I don't know what the big deal is about college?

I went to college, and other than learning

I didn't get a thing out of it.

All right, Balki going to college.

I can't believe he's come so far so fast.

And if you had seen him when he first walked through my door,

you wouldn't have thought he was college material.

Am I looking up Larry Appleton?

Larry Appleton. That's me.

Larry, Larry, Larry!

I look everywhere for you!

I walked the streets, I searched the alleys.

I say to everyone, "Have you seen Larry?"

You don't know how many people have never heard of you!

But now I find you and I'm safe, I'm safe!

Yes, yes, now you're safe.

Who are you?

I'm Balki Bartokomous.

Philo, my fifth cousin, three times removed,

is a step-uncle to your father on my mother's side two continents removed.

I see, so we're sort of related by rumor.

America.

Land of my dreams...

Home of the Whopper.

You mean, that's why you two got to be roommates?

Balki just showed up on your doorstep one day?

Yeah. He was a real babe in the woods.

Yeah, if I hadn't taken him under my wing,

He had no experience with women.

I had to teach him everything.

You know, Balki told me about the time

you took him to that singles bar...

He did?

Uh, the way Balki tells it, you were both babes in the woods.

So, Larry took Balki to a singles bar so he could meet women...

So, this is one of your American mating places?

Meeting. A meeting place.

People meet each other here.

They mate somewhere else.

Go slow. Take it easy. Be cool.

I know how to be cool.

Hey, mama, you be getting down with you bad self.

What are you doing?

All right, let's get this over with so I can go home.

Now, the first thing is what we call eye contact.

Eye contact. Like The Three Stooges?

All right, I'm going, I'm out... No, no, cousin, cousin.

Okay. Okay.

Look, for safety's sake, we had better define eye contact.

You look, look into a woman's eyes from across the room,

and if she looks back, you know, and you kind of hold the look,

that's eye contact.

Like that woman is looking at you?

What woman?

Don't point.

After you've made, uh, eye contact,

you work your way over to the woman

and, uh, use your opening line.

Something like, uh "You come here often?"

"Can I buy you a drink?"

"Didn't we meet in the Oval Office?"

Things like that.

Can I try it? Oh... Okay.

I have made eye contact.

Oh, boy.

Can I try my opening line? All right, go ahead.

Just, uh, don't tell her you know me.

Hello.

Do you come here often?

No.

Excuse us.

You were one step away from throwing yourself

at that woman's feet, weren't you?

Old habits die hard.

Why don't you show me, Cousin Larry? You're the expert.

Look, look, I just don't like these places.

And besides, I'm...

Uh... I really don't wanna meet anyone.

That woman is still looking at you.

She is?

Yes, she is.

Oh, my God, she is.

Go ahead and get her, you love-devil.

All right... But this is a little faster

than I usually like to operate.

I'm only doing this for you.

So...

Balki... Balki.

Balki!

I wish, I wish I could've seen that.

I'm a sucker for a cheap laugh.

Uh, you know, I don't mean to split hairs here,

but, uh, that is not at all the way I remember it.

Well, did the guy beat you up or not?

Well...

Uh... "Beat up" is such a strong term.

Sounds like he got his butt kicked.

and I have been there for him.

I mean, for instance, the time he invited his friend Gina

to stay with us while her husband was out of town...

Gina, isn't she the one who had her baby

while she was staying with you?

Yes, in the middle of the night.

And if I had not been there with one of my foolproof plans,

well, there is no telling what would've happened.

Oh, that's interesting.

Uh, the way I heard it your plan sort of fell apart!

Well...

Balki, it's time.

Gina Yes.

Ah, Gina, how exciting!

Little baby. Mmm.

Why is the light on?

The, the baby's coming, Larry.

What baby? Who are you?

Why am I holding a sheep?

He doesn't wake up well.

Cousin, it's Gina. Remember the plan?

The plan? Yes. Of course, I remember the plan.

It's my plan. All right.

No need to worry. First babies take a long time.

Oh, well, Larry, I've been in labor a long time.

Why didn't you tell us? Well, I didn't wanna bother you.

You were up so late.

All right. Don't panic!

Go!

Are you all right? Yes. Yes, I'm okay.

What are you doing? Calling the hospital.

Calling the hospital is my job.

You get the suitcase! But...

I called the hospital last time.

Look, I gave you a chance to prove

"Hello, hospital? Baby is coming."

Cavemen are more articulate!

Could you please hurry?

Hello, hospital? The baby is coming.

Brilliant!

We get to the hospital, they'll probably figure out why I'm there.

Good thinking. Okay. All right.

No need to panic. Everything is under control.

All right, I get the note and we are gone...

Yes!

My keys. My keys. Where are my keys?

They're in your pants. Where are my pants?

Where is the closet? Where is the closet?

Cousin... Look, look.

Cousin... Don't cousin me now.

Look, look, I don't have my keys.

I don't have my pants. I can't do this!

She'll just have to have the baby at some other time!

Why don't you help me?

Oh. Oh, I see.

You're trying to make me look bad in front of Gina.

Where is Gina? Where is the mother?

We can't do this without the mother!

Cousin.

Someday you'll forgive me for this.

Feel better?

No.

Can we go have a baby now?

Okay.

I'll follow you.

Where're you going?

To the hospital. Right, yes.

Gina, there you are. Thank God!

You know, I'm a little worried about Balki.

Shouldn't he be finished with his exam by now?

What if he sat down to take the test and froze up?

I mean, what if his mind went blank

and he couldn't remember a thing?

And he started hyperventilating...

You mean, like what happens to you

All right.

All right. I'm just not gonna talk anymore.

That way no one can make fun of me.

Ladies, ladies, we're all a little edgy

because we're worried about Balki.

Oh, but maybe I should have gone down there with him.

He always needs me to get through these pressure situations.

You know, if I wasn't there to help him,

Wait a minute. I was there.

And I wouldn't call what you did help.

Now Gorpley was looking for a reason to fire Balki.

And Larry was trying to write his first article

for the newspaper, when all of a sudden...

You've finished? Yes, yes, yes.

I'm finished.

Yes. I'm sorry it take so long, but I thought that I would alphabeticalize them.

Is that okay?

You think you're pretty smart, don't you?

Well, I'm no Sam Donaldson, but...

We'll see how smart you are.

I need 100 copies of this flyer.

You've got 10 minutes.

Oh, but guess what? The copy machine is broke.

Hey, relax, I'm looking out for you.

You can use the mimeograph machine.

See, I even got your stencil. All ready to go.

Ten minutes, Bartokomous.

Now, if you can't do the job...

I know someone who can.

Balki, you need help with the mimeograph machine?

Oh, no, no, cousin. Good.

Just... Point it out to me.

Back here, look here.

All right.

All right, get the stencil! Okay.

Okay, get the paper.

Paper.

Paper. Okay. Stencil's on.

Paper goes in here and turn it on here.

Get it? Got it.

Good.

How's it going, Balki? Oh, it's going fine!

Just, just dandy.

You just finish your article.

Balki. No, no. No problem.

No problem, cousin.

Appleby? Uh, yes, sir.

I need that article in five minutes.

Yes, sir. Appleton, sir, Appleton.

All right. Cousin, no!

You have to do your article.

Balki, look, I can do this in just...

Cousin, you only have five minutes and you just...

I'll just take a look at this here.

All right, look, see, here's the problem.

You got all these papers jammed under the drum, here.

All right.

Oh, all right. Oops! Get the basket!

The basket? The paper basket!

The paper basket.

BALKI: I got it.

It's alive!

And it's hungry!

Turn it off! Turn it off!

It, it... I can't!

Balki, Balki! What?

The plug, the plug, the plug.

The plug? The plug. The plug, Balki.

The plug!

Ow. Ow.

I did it! Oh!

Mr. Burns, something came up and I still have a bit of polishing to do.

This is, this is news, not silverware.

I need a story!

Mr. Burns, it was my fault.

Well, actually, that's not the final, final version.

If I could just have a... It's pretty good.

Well, Mr. Burns, if I could only... Pretty good?

I'd say, for your first assignment, it's pretty good.

See you on Monday, Appleton.

Then maybe you can explain to me

why you were trying to mimeograph your tie!

Okay. Okay, all right.

But that was an exception.

I mean, more often than not he wouldn't know what to do

unless I led him by the hand.

Come on, you guys know that!

I mean, why do I feel like I'm defending myself?

Think of all the times that if I wasn't there

he wouldn't know what to do.

Jennifer, you can think of something.

Oh, of course I can.

Harriette? I got nothin', baby.

I don't want to open myself to insults.

I've got one. Yeah, there. You see?

I remember the time you taught Balki all about plumbing.

You see, Jennifer and I were out of town

and Larry offered to fix our shower.

And so he and Balki went up there while we were...

Boy, cousin.

If you want to make an omelet, you've got to break some eggs.

Boy, this spackle must be amazing stuff.

Yes, it is.

Now, what do you say we button this job up?

Jennifer and Mary Anne will be back tonight.

Cousin...

Where does this go?

Trash.

Well, I think we're ready to test this baby.

It's broken.

No!

Well, do something!

Don't look at me!

Find the cut-off valve!

I think it's underneath the sink!

Then turn it off! But I can't...

Turn it off!

Cousin, I can't! My fingers are stuck.

Go on without me, cousin.

Save yourself!

Ahhh!

Balki, get up!

Well...

Maybe that wasn't a good example.

I guess I'm wrong.

I haven't been helping Balki.

I've been holding him back.

Oh, my God!

I helped him study for his entrance exam.

He probably went down there and failed all because of me.

I should get out of his life.

Look at me! I'm a college man!

Balki, you did it!

All right, all right.

For he's a jolly good...

No, no. Wait, wait, wait.

there's something I want to say.

Like so many other things that have happened to me

since I come to this country,

I couldn't have done this without my Cousin Larry.

Really? Well, yes!

Did you hear that?

What was it? The coaching I gave you on language section?

Or the work I did with you on the math drills?

Or the mnemonic coding I gave you to remember the history dates?

Well, those were all great but I was referring to the fact

that you loaned me your pencil.

Oh, come on, cousin, I'm just kidding.

That's, that's college humor.

Cousin, what do you say?

Di, di, di, di

Di, di, di, di, di

Hey, hey, hey, hey

Hey, hey, hey