Original subtitles

Sometimes the world looks perfect

Nothing to rearrange

Sometimes you just get a feeling

Like you need some kind of change

Nothing's gonna stand in my way

This flame in my heart like a long lost friend

Gives every dark street a light at the end

Standing tall

On the wings of my dream

Rise and fall

On the wings of my dream

The rain and thunder

The wind and haze

I'm bound for better days

It's my life and my dream

Nothing's gonna stop me now

Bartokomous. Where do you think you're going?

Well, uh, since it's quitting time, I was thinking

I was going outside to Cousin Larry's car.

Because sometimes-- Bartokomous.

You can't fool me. You are not going anywhere until you compile

that new office directory.

I guess that means you'll be working late tonight.

Well, no, because

I already finish it.

What-- Look.

and indexed and cross-referenced according to blood type.

And look...

If anybody needs blood type O,

this little baby tell them where to go.

Keep smiling, Bartokomous.

Your days here are numbered.

I'm so flattered you would take the time to count them.

It makes me feel kind of special.

Oh, you're special, all right.

Balki, I won. I won.

The winning was done by me. I was the one who won.

I won. I won.

I won the lottery.

The lottery? Oh.

Miss Lydia. Blow my mind, why don't you?

What's the lottery?

Uh, let me take this one.

Sugar, the lottery is a game run by the state

to raise money for the schools.

Now, you see, you pick six numbers

and if it's the right six, you could win $28 million.

Miss Lydia. You won $28 million?

Actually, I won $100.

Five minutes ago, it seemed like a lot of money.

Well, another edition put to bed

and once again I had absolutely nothing to do with it.

Cousin, do you know anything about the lottery?

Oh, sure, Balki. The lottery is a scam run by the state

to take advantage of people who didn't show up when they were passing out brains.

Right, Lydia?

Drop dead, Larry.

Thanks a lot. Now I've got to listen to her whine

all the way to the fifth floor.

I cannot believe that he said that to me--

Oh, shoot.

Cousin, I want play the lottery.

No. You can't play the lottery. No, Balki. I want play the lottery--

The chances of winning the lottery are astronomical.

Well, if it's good enough for our space program

it's good enough for me. No, no. Balki, Balki.

You got a better chance of getting hit by a car.

Well, sure I do, but...

...who wants to buy a ticket for that?

No, Balki. You're not playing the lottery.

No, Balki. Balki. Balki...

If I were a rich man

If I were a wealthy man...

I can't believe that after everything I said

you still bought a lottery ticket.

I can't believe you give me the dollar.

No, I didn't give you the dollar.

I lent you the dollar and I want it back.

Okay, cousin.

Here you go. But first,

I would like to offer you the opportunity

to buy half my lottery ticket.

No, thanks.

Cousin, after all, you took me in,

you gave me shelter, you feed me, you--

Just give me my dollar and we'll call it even.

But Cousin,

I'm a simple sheepherder.

My needs are few.

I don't need $28 million.

I think I could slide by with 14 million.

I just want the money you owe me,

Balki, look, let me teach you a little lesson in economic reality.

Will this be followed by a short question and answer period?

Just listen.

This is a nice, crisp dollar bill.

Let me read for just a moment.

"This note is legal tender for all debts, public and private."

That means I can buy things with it.

I give this to someone and they give me things I want.

This, on the other hand,

is a totally worthless piece of paper.

You cannot buy anything with this, nothing.

Zip, zero, zilch.

No one with an ounce of common sense would trade this

for this.

Unless this

were worth 28 million of those.

I wouldn't have to work

Hurry up, Balki, it's almost time for the drawing.

Wouldn't it be great if one of us actually won?

Oh. If I won I'd buy the airline.

Then I could make up the schedule so I don't have to work double shifts.

You would buy the airline just so you could change your schedule?

Well, yes.

And then I'd decrease my holdings but maintain

a controlling interest, initiate a three-for-one stock split

and roll my money into high yield junk bonds.

What about you, Larry? What would you do with $28 million?

Sorry, Jennifer, I'm a newspaper man. My beat is reality.

This is the part where he takes the fun out of the evening.

Balki, what would you do if you won the lottery?

Well, um, first I would take a big chunk

and pay off the Myposian national debt.

Balki, the entire national debt? How much is that?

$635.

And then after my country is back on her feet

I would love to do something for the poor people of Chicago.

I'd love to give homes to the homeless,

jobs to the jobless, shifts to the shiftless.

Balki, that is so sweet.

Oh, look, they're doing the drawing.

Balki, where's your ticket?

I hide it away in a safe place,

but don't worry, I write the numbers down right here.

MALE ANNOUNCER: All right, everybody, get your lottery tickets ready.

Cousin, I can't stand the suspense.

Please, you check the numbers for me? Oh, golly gee, Balki.

You're gonna trust me with the winning numbers?

Back off, cousin, just check the numbers.

MALE ANNOUNCER: Fifteen...

Thirty-two...

Fifty-two...

Twenty-one...

Twenty-four...

...and thirty-four.

Let's go over those numbers again.

Well, that's it for me.

Balki, it's over. We all lost.

What?

But... But the man at the store tell me that

he was sure that I had the winning numbers.

MARY: Oh, they say that to everybody.

Larry, are you all right?

Balki. Balki...

You've won $28 million.

I won? You've won.

I won!

Good night. Bye.

Well, I'm just a simple sheepherder.

Who is rich beyond my wildest dreams.

I can't believe I won the giant jackpot.

We're rich, Balki. We're rich.

Mama will be so proud.

We did it. We did it.

Cousin, tell me I'm not dreaming.

Tell me I really won.

You're not dreaming. We won, all right.

Tell me again?

We won.

Question...

How could we win if I bought the lottery ticket?

Well, don't get me wrong, I mean,

no one questions that you bought the ticket.

Gave you the capital.

Yes, and in gratitude, I offered you the opportunity

to buy one half of what I correctly claimed

was the winning ticket, but you refused.

And then you made fun of me

and then you accused me of throwing my money

down a rat hole.

I've changed my mind since then.

Oh, cousin...

If only life were that simple.

Balki, I'll tell you what.

As a show of faith I've got 20 bucks.

I'll go out, buy 20 tickets

and whatever I win we'll split 50-50.

So, now you like the lottery?

Oh, I do, I do.

That's funny because

if memory serves me, and I think it does.

When we were in the store, I recall you told me

that if I were to look up the word "sucker"

in a dictionary, my picture would be there.

Balki...

Please, please, please.

I want to be rich.

Cousin,

Of course, I share my jackpot with you.

Oh, thank you, thank you. Thank you.

In your face, Donald Trump.

Now, where is the lottery ticket?

I hide it. Good for you.

Where did you hide it?

Balki.

Do you remember where you hid it?

Not right now.

What do you mean, not right now?

Where is it?

Well, I hide it and then I hide it again so many times

that, that I forget where I hide it last.

You have got to remember!

All right, that's all right, no problem.

No problem. Take your time.

No hurry, just try to think back.

You put the ticket...

I put the ticket... You put the ticket...

I put the ticket...

In my...

You put the ticket in your...

Winter coat.

Winter coat. There.

Spring. Summer. Autumn.

Winter. Oh.

The ticket's not there. It's not there?

Ha, I was sure I put it in there.

I remember thinking that I would put it

either in my winter coat

or in a cereal box.

Ah. Look, cousin. You found it. You found it.

What is it? It's the Captain Power decoder ring.

Now I have a complete set.

Now you don't. Where is it?

Think! Think!

I can't think. I was up all night. I don't get any sleep.

All right, all right, all right, all right.

All right, just try to remember.

Try to remember. You had the ticket in your hand.

You were in the apartment...

I was in the living room. In the living room...

All right, and then?

Over there.

And then?

I began to gaze into the fire.

And then?

And then, and then, and then?

And then...

I don't remember.

You don't remember

where you hid a lottery ticket

worth $28 million?

Books. What about them?

It's hidden behind the books.

Wait a minute.

Now that I think about it,

Which one? It makes a difference, you know?

Comedies or tragedies? Sonnets. Sonnets.

It's not here. It's not there?

Where is it?

Think! Think!

I can't think. There's no air to my brain.

Oh, that's better.

I must have hidden it underneath the corner of the carpet.

Impossible. I would've found it when I vacuumed.

It's not in there.

All right, it's gotta be here somewhere.

You take the kitchen. I'll take the living room.

The kitchen! The kitchen, the kitchen!

BOTH: Come in.

Wow. You guys got eccentric fast.

Larry, what happened? Were you robbed?

I lost a lottery ticket.

Well, easy come, easy go.

Well, listen, uh, we have to work a flight

but we'll be back tonight and we'll just help you find it.

BOTH: Thank you.

Oh, Balki. Here's that envelope you asked me to hold for you.

Balki.

Cousin, we're multiple millionaires again.

Hello, listen.

you'll find that we're the lottery's newest millionaires.

Large bills will be fine.

Yeah. We issue checks for anything over $100.

Well, I guess this is one check we won't be cashing at the Quick Shop.

Yeah, mind if I check the numbers?

We like to do that before we hand over $28 million.

BOTH: Oh, of course.

Fifteen, 15.

Thirty-two, 32.

Fifty-two, 52.

Twenty-one, 21.

Twenty-four, 27. Hold it.

Thirty-four, 37.

No, those aren't the right numbers.

You know, that same thought just occurred to me.

Wait, wait, wait, wait.

right on this piece of paper.

Yeah, 15, 32, 52, 21...

Yeah, now, is that a four or a seven?

Four. What do you mean a seven? Seven.

Now, I can see how you might think that it was a four.

It's got that little line through the middle.

I also put that through my Zs

so that nobody thinks they're twos.

Who cares about your Zs? I want our money.

Give me our $28 million.

Sir, this ticket has the wrong number.

Who cares about this ticket?

Look, look at this paper.

It has got to be worth at least a million.

Cousin...

Remember, reality is your beat

and the beat goes on.

Wait, you did match four numbers.

You won $100.

Thank you. Very nice of you.

Come along, cousin. I don't want $100.

Isn't it nice? I want $28 million.

That's the story of my life.

What made me think I could win the lottery?

But, cousin. We did win the lottery.

We picked four numbers out of six.

We won $100.

Big deal. What's $100?

What's $100?

It's one pair of Air Jordan basketball shoes.

It's 20 trips to the top of the Sears Tower.

It's a four-year subscription to Sports Illustrated magazine,

which if we order now, includes

the baseball preview and the swimsuit issue.

Balki.

How do you do it?

Cousin, you just take a little postcard out of the magazine...

No, no, no. No, no.

and I see the $27,999,900 we lost.

Well, now, cousin. You're comparing

the $28 million you thought you had yesterday

with the $100 that you do have today.

And I'm comparing the $100 that we do have today

with the $100 that we did not have yesterday.

Balki, you're right.

You know, I guess. I see the glass half-empty.

And you, you, you...

Always see the glass half-full.

Cousin...

I don't see a glass at all.