Original subtitles

Well, hello, darlings. Here I am.

Well, come on down.

Who is that? That's Olivia Crawford.

The editor of The Sunday Magazine.

Miss Crawford, I have always wanted to meet you.

Well, of course you have.

And you are? Larry Appleton.

Ah, exactly the person I've come to see.

This paper has a rather tiresome policy of asking new people

to write something for The Sunday Magazine.

And you, I understand, are new.

The Sunday Magazine?

I love The Sunday Magazine.

Well, excellent, why don't you come up with a couple of ideas

and we'll see if something is suitable.

It's a dream come true.

I... I'm sorry, I don't mean to gush.

Miss Crawford, here's your mail.

Uh, that's Olivia, darling.

Oh, well, if you're Olivia Darling, this is not your mail.

No, darling.

I am Olivia Crawford.

And you are a delight.

Well, actually, I'm a Mypiot.

What's your name, dear?

Balki Bartokomous.

Ah, from the Mediterranean, right?

Well, actually, you go to the Mediterranean and then turn left.

Well, of course you do.

With a face like that, you can turn any way you want.

Welcome to The Chronicle, darling.

Thank you.

Balki, this is great.

I'm gonna write an article for The Sunday Magazine section.

Do you know what that means?

No, I don't.

I'll tell you what that means.

It means I get a byline,

it means people will take notice.

That means I'm on my way to the big time.

The big time? The big time.

Well, uh, why would you want to leave your job and join the circus?

That's the big top.

Yes, yes!

Whoo, I am good.

Did you finally beat yourself at tic

LARRY: No.

No. No.

I came up with a title

for my article for The Sunday Magazine section.

It's about how a lot of neighborhoods in this town

are losing their ethnic character.

What do you think?

"Is Chicago Disappearing?"

Well, I... I don't know.

When you work in a basement, you miss so much.

OLIVIA: Yes, would you move along, please?

Harriette, from now on, I prefer to travel alone.

That makes two of us, baby.

Well, now, Larry, how's your article coming?

Great. I think I finally came up with a title.

"Is..." Oh, for heaven's sakes,

Larry, would you be a dear and run up and get them for me?

My keys?

Sure, uh,

I'll run this by you later?

Of course.

Hello, Balki. Hello, Miss Crawford.

My, my, my, how very easily

you lift those big heavy bags onto the table.

I'm impressed.

Oh, go on with you.

No, no, Balki, really. I mean it.

Where did you get such marvelous muscles?

Well, lifting sheep, I suppose.

Ah, yes, of course, you were a sheepherder back on Mypos.

Weren't you? Yes.

Ah, that must have been so peaceful.

Oh, yes, yes.

Sitting on the hillsides,

listening to the goat bells in the distance

watching Papa's sheep eat the grass.

They have four stomachs, you know?

And one of them stomachs goes bad,

everything just backs up and backs up...

Yes, thank you, darling. Very vivid.

But you're so very far from home, Balki.

Don't you get homesick sometimes?

Yes sometimes, but I bring some things with me that remind me of home.

I have Dimitri, of course.

He's my stuffed sheep.

And I have a beautiful tapestry that my sister...

You don't mean it.

What an extraordinary coincidence.

I just happen to have a rather extensive collection myself.

Get out of this city.

You collect stuffed sheep, too?

No, tapestries, darling.

Balki, I have a wonderful idea.

Why don't I come over and see your tapestry?

I'm going to be right in your neighborhood this evening.

Well, that would be wonderful.

535 Wilson, apartment 207.

It's a brick building.

Are you going to be driving yourself?

Yes.

Then I'll save you 15 minutes.

Now, don't go up Halsted.

There's construction on Halsted.

Wait, wait, I have to turn nyself around.

Okay. Uh, don't, uh...

Uh, you don't want to go up Halsted, you...

Uh, uh, you want to go parallel to Halsted

Miss Crawford.

Call me Olivia.

I should be there about 7:00.

Oh, would you look at that?

I had my keys the whole time.

See you later, dear boy.

I'm sorry, Miss Crawford.

I couldn't find the, uh...

I... I couldn't find your, uh...

Did Miss Crawford leave?

Yes.

Did she find her keys?

Oh, yes.

Are you feeling okay?

Oh, no.

Balki, what happened?

When you're alone with a woman

and she say that she wants to come over to your house

to see your tapestry,

Well,

Okay.

What about if you're alone with a woman

and she kiss you so hard

that your eyeballs roll back up into your head?

That means what you think it means.

Now who's the girl?

No.

Olivia.

Olivia Crawford?

No, Olivia Newton-John.

Of course, Olivia Crawford.

Ha-ha-ha.

Balki, I don't mean to hurt your feelings.

But you're going to.

But...

and you are just a lowly, little mail boy.

Come on. Let's go home.

People like her don't get involved

with people like us.

Well, be that as that may be,

but she's coming over tonight.

She is? Yes, she is.

Why?

She say she wants to see my tapestry.

What should I do?

Well, what if she wants to see more?

Balki, I'm sure this is nothing.

Even if it were, you can take care of yourself.

I mean, you've been with women before.

I... I mean, on Mypos.

I'm sure the milkmaids were all over you.

You probably had to beat them off with a crook.

Am I right

Huh?

Aren't you?

If it will make you feel better,

I'll stay home with you tonight.

Thank you, cousin. All right.

What should I do?

Oh, Larry. Hello, Miss Crawford.

Hello, Larry. I... I wasn't expecting you here.

I live here. Balki and I are cousins.

Hello, Miss Crawford.

Hello, Balki.

Won't you come in?

for cocktails 15 minutes ago.

I wonder if you would mind terribly

if I just took a quick look at the tapestry

and then hit the road?

I would have run it down to your car.

I'll go get it.

Balki, I think Miss Crawford

just wants to look at the tapestry.

Color me embarrassed.

I have so much to learn about American women.

Reams.

Look, if I leave right now,

I can till get some research done at the library.

Can I go? Yes, yes, cousin.

And thank you, thank you for showing me how wrong I was.

Hey, it's why I'm here.

Well, I'm sorry I can't stay, Miss Crawford.

Oh! Aw...

I hear the editor of the Sunday Magazine

is tough on people who don't make their deadlines.

Hmm, they tell me she's hell on wheels.

Well, don't just stand there grinning.

Get out there and get me a story.

Cousin Larry should go easy on the cheap cologne.

Here it is.

Do you like it? Oh, yes!

Oh, I'm so glad.

This is a very, very special tapestry.

It show the entire history of the island of Mypos.

For instance, this represents Ferdinand Mypos

discovering that Mypos is an island.

Yes, he made the discovery

while he was trying to walk to Italy.

And this over here,

this represents the great tomato famine.

Thousands and thousands of tomatoes died.

Fascinating.

Listen, Miss Crawford, I... I just want to tell you

I have to get something off my chest.

What, Balki?

I...

Well, when...

When you kissed me,

I thought for just a second

that maybe it wasn't a "Hello, Balki,

"how are you today" kiss,

I thought it might have been a whatever,

"Hi, sailor, new in town?" kind of a kiss.

Well, of course not. Don't be ridiculous.

Well, tell me, um...

What do you feel like now?

Well, I feel perfect comfortable just like I'm at home with Mama.

Well, I'm very glad, Balki,

because I certainly wouldn't want you to be afraid of me.

You see, it's very rare

for the person such yourself comes into one's life.

A complete innocent, pure and unsullied.

A blank page upon which someone,

perhaps someone like myself,

can write a tale of searing passion.

Aw. No...

Mama never did that.

Miss Crawford? Yes?

Miss Crawford, Miss Crawford.

I... I don't approve of this. Oh.

You see, you see, I... I come from...

From a country where people believe that...

That they should get married before they do

some of the things that you and I have already done.

Oh, ah!

I forgot my library card.

Oh!

What's going on here?

Are you blind?

Don't you have someplace to go?

No, he doesn't. Cousin...

Well, this doesn't seem like a very good time.

Oh, if I hurry, I can still make it to the mayor's.

Now, Balki, why don't we continue this

some other time in some other place,

someplace where we can have a little privacy.

What do you say to Mickey's Hideaway, Tuesday evening?

Mickey's Hideaway?

Isn't that the adult motel

I've seen the ads.

Miss Crawford...

I don't want to hurt your feelings,

but I'm busy Tuesday nights for the rest of my life.

Balki, let me try and say this in a way

which even you will understand.

I am Olivia Crawford.

I am an extremely powerful woman at The Chronicle.

And, "Goodbye, Olivia,"

means, "Hello, unemployment."

You can't get away with this.

You'd be surprised what I can get away with.

Ciao.

Goodbye, Olivia.

Hello, unemployment.

Don't you worry, buddy.

Well, you know what I mean.

Cousin, do you think we're doing the right thing?

Yes. We're doing the right thing.

She can't get away with sexual harassment.

I don't want you to lose your job.

Balki, we've built a very strong case here.

Frank Cublic from Classified lost his job because of her.

So did Tommy Dugan in security

and Jeff Maxwell on the loading dock.

This lady has got to be stopped.

And this is the right way to do it.

When do you think Olivia will hit the fan?

Any minute now.

Look out, baby.

What do you call this?

It's a copy of a complaint I sent to the managing editor.

We're charging you with sexual harassment.

You're bluffing.

I carried it up to him in my very own muscular arms.

Well,

it's not going to work, you know.

Oh, Olivia, I'm glad you're here.

You make some very damaging allegations in here.

Everything I wrote is true.

I even have photocopies of the registration cards

from Mickey's Hideaway.

Miss Crawford has a suite named after her.

And if you don't believe him,

you can dust my body for her fingerprints.

I don't think that'll be necessary.

Olivia, what do you have to say about this?

I mean, look at him!

Three people say they lost their jobs because of you.

Well, Jack, Jack, Jack.

When people get fired, they've got to blame somebody.

Now, these kids, whom I scarcely know,

are trying to slander me.

God knows what I ever did to them.

Olivia, give me a little credit.

I'm a newspaper man.

I checked Appleton's sources.

And they confirm the rumors

I've been hearing about you for years.

Now, I'd like to give you the opportunity to resign.

Oh, I have no intention of resigning.

I was hoping you would say that.

That way I can say this. "You're fired."

That felt good.

What do I need with this two-bit paper, anyway?

I think it's time I took a bite out of the Big Apple.

No way, lady. Employees only.

Oh, that does feel good.

You two should feel proud of yourselves.

Lot of people wouldn't have had the guts

to blow the whistle on her.

Weren't you afraid of losing your jobs?

We decided we'd rather not work for a newspaper

that would fire its employees for telling the truth.

How about that?

I have Woodward and Bernstein in my basement.

Not bad.

Well, Balki,

Oh, cousin...

I... I'm sorry that helping me means you don't get an article

in The Sunday Magazine.

You're right.

I won't.

And the future woman of my dreams thanks you, too,

because thanks to you,

she'll be able to spend her wedding night

the way it was meant to be,

with a husband who has absolutely no idea

of what he's doing.