Original subtitles

This is a celebration! Hells yeah!

♪ My feet go Boom, boom, boom ♪

♪ Boom, boom, boom Boom, boom, boom ♪

♪ Walking away from you ♪

♪ I said hey, uh-huh ♪

♪ You can't stop me ♪

♪ 'Cause my pain, uh-huh ♪

♪ Is gasoline ♪

♪ I can't wait, no, for nobody ♪

♪ If you break my heart ♪

♪ It's one, two, three Boom, boom, boom ♪

Damn!

Power to the people.

♪ I got a new tattoo ♪

♪ Don't know what to tell you ♪

♪ Got nothing left to prove ♪

♪ High speed go Zoom, zoom, zoom ♪

♪ Zoom, zoom, zoom Zoom, zoom, zoom ♪

♪ My feet go Boom, boom, boom ♪

♪ Boom, boom, boom Boom, boom, boom ♪

Hey! I just wanted to take another look at you.

♪ Walking away from you ♪

So, take us back to the beginning, Jamie.

How did this all start?

Um, okay. So, about four years ago,

um, my life changed forever,

uh, when I got an email from a guy called Rocky Flintstone.

It turned out that Rocky Flintstone was my dad,

and he'd been secretly writing porn in the garden shed.

The book was called Belinda Blinked,

and it was horrific.

It was amazing.

It's the best worst book ever written.

So then my friends, James and Alice, made me read it to the whole world.

"Belinda Blinked. It wasn't a dream.

"The job interviewer had just asked her to remove her jacket and silk blouse."

And the books are about a woman called Belinda Blumenthal,

who shags her way around the world, selling pots and pans.

It's one-half erotica, one-half business manual.

So we started a podcast, and it went from a few people listening...

I can't see anything! Aah!

Oh, no! I wet myself!

...to quite a lot of people listening.

But we should say, it's not a sexy book.

"As Belinda groaned, the duchess hummed,

"watching her perspiring pussy meat."

Ack!

Rocky's metaphors are unique.

Her nipples were now as large as the three-inch rivets

which had held the hull of the fateful Titanic together.

And he has zero concept of the female body.

"He grabbed her cervix..."

He's gonna kill her.

Honestly, if I wasn't sat here right now,

I would swear to God he was a virgin.

I mean, it got so crazy that people were even talking about a movie version.

And actual, proper actors were lining up to play the characters.

I do like the idea of playing Dr. Robbins.

I feel like I should put on a fat suit and play Jim Sterling.

I'd quite like to play Alfie, the smallish man.

I would go for Adaam.

I've already spoken to my agents about it.

Yeah, it all got a little bit out of hand.

My Dad Wrote a Porno. My Dad Wrote a Porno.

My Dad Wrote a Porno. My Dad Wrote a Porno.

There are similarities between

your father's work, and Hamlet.

- Oh, my God! - Look!

He's a fucking genius.

Come on! How else have we got here?

So now, I'm reading my dad's porn on HBO.

Brilliant.

Live from the Camden Roundhouse, London,

please welcome Jamie, James, and Alice.

Woo! All right!

Woo! Woo-hoo!

Woo!

- Yay! - Yes!

Hi, guys. Um, my name's Jamie, and...

my dad wrote a porno.

- It's true. - Yes, he did.

He did do...

Thank you, thank you. It's my hell, but your entertainment.

Uh, to my dad,

the legend. Rocky Flintstone.

What a guy. Okay. Okay.

So he wrote these shit books, right?

And right at the start, he wrote something that even he thought

was too shit to include in any of the Belinda Blinked books.

- So I'm reading that tonight. - Aw, you...

Yes, yes.

What's it about exactly? What happens? Um...

Well, it is a Belinda Blinked chapter, so it's not about anything, at all.

Sure. But it involves Belinda Blumenthal,

the international sales director of Steeles Pots and Pans.

Um, and she basically takes her regional sales managers

on a kind of team building away day.

Um, 'cause, obviously... ♪ Thank you so much ♪

♪ It's already fantastic ♪

It's so good. 'Cause, well, it's a business book.

So, you know, they're doing a corporate away day. Makes absolute sense.

Well, London, are you ready for this?

I think we should, uh, play the drinking game.

That's a great shout. Yes. Yeah? Up for it?

We should establish official rules.

- Yeah, sure, sure, sure. - We should probably, you know...

The official rules. Okay. Well what about...

You know how Rocky likes to focus on unnecessary details,

like, if the camera was on them, like, shagging,

it would slowly zoom to the curtains.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, it just focuses on the most stupid things.

Distracted. Yes. Yeah. Exactly.

So every time there's, like, an unnecessary detail, drink.

- Yeah. Yeah. Agreed. - Good, good.

Okay, uh, my rule is gonna be... grammar, bad grammar.

Yes. Exactly. Um, 'cause I feel like he does it all afterwards.

Yeah. You know, after the event. So he'll go through,

a little semicolon, full stop in there.

Let's put a comma. Yeah. Apostrophe.

For him, I think a semicolon is just his work winking back at him.

He's like, "You're doing a great job, Rocky."

Um, and I think, you know, if you're only gonna drink on one of the rules tonight,

uh, everybody must drink when Belinda blinks.

Deal. Yes.

Before we start, I just think there's one thing

that's really, really important to just note. Yeah.

Whatever we read, your dad wrote it.

Looks what's behind me!

That's gonna haunt me. That's as big as we can manage.

But I think we should open the book. This thing here.

Dad porn, dad porn, dad porn.

Okay.

"Belinda blinked."

Drink!

Start as we mean to go on... I'm gonna shit-faced. I can just tell.

The Lost Chapter.

- "Team Building with the Regional Sales Managers..." - Yeah!

Semicolon.

Yes. It's already started. Cheers.

On a title. Yes, Rocky.

"Belinda Blumenthal, international sales director of Steeles Pots and Pans,

"turned her Mercedes into the driveway

"of the secluded manor house,

"she had hired for the team building away day extravaganza..."

Whoa! "...on the Cornish coast."

- Oh! Very nice part of the world, very nice. - It is...

It is a lovely part of the world,

but it's also about a seven-hour drive from London.

That's true, actually, yeah. See, it's a long way to go for a day.

- Yeah. That's true. And back. - Yeah, yeah.

And back. Fourteen-hour round trip! And back. Yeah.

They're gonna be there for 10 minutes,

quick shag, back in the car. Bye!

- "The training guru..." - Guru!

"...she was... she was pinning the whole show on was good.

No. Very, very good."

Um, who wants to guess the name of this guru?

Ooh. Anyone? Name. Yeah.

Veronica. No.

Electra. Electra? Behave.

Nancy. No.

I feel like this woman's just lost someone called Nancy.

Nancy!

Nancy!

Where the fuck are you? We're at the wrong show!

No, I didn't... I'm sorry, guys, but I didn't hear it.

- Because... - "Melania was," uh...

- No! Okay. - I'm... I'm joking. I'm obviously joking.

Um, no. "Natasha Biles..."

Okay. That's an interesting choice of surname, isn't it?

It is, isn't it? Because that's not...

It's not a sexy liquid, is it? Bile.

- No, it's kind of like pre-vomit, isn't it? - Yeah.

Acid reflux is essentially... That's basically it. Yeah.

"Natasha Biles was the best in the industry,

and she almost always guaranteed exceptional results."

"In reality, she herself was a fiery redhead."

Oh. Alice.

Hello. Guilty as charged.

"Of French extraction, not the less."

"As it turned out, she was also the local female lifeboat member."

I'm drinking on that. I'm drinking on that, as well.

You don't really want, you know, to think about drowning people

when you're reading porn. Yeah. Really. Yeah.

There'll be a small cross section of the community that do.

So, "As it turned out, she was also the local female lifeboat member, so,

"she was equally at home in a pair of yellow Wellingtons and oil skins,

as in a team building businesswoman's uniform."

That is a lot of interesting

sartorial choices in one sentence.

"With a light heart, Belinda checked in."

And, sorry. Can I just say, that's one fucking paragraph.

Look.

There it is. On its own. It's just so sad.

It's unorthodox, I'll give you that. It's very important.

"She strolled down the wide, exquisitely carpeted staircase."

- Oh, God. We're gonna be drunker than... - Looks like a drink.

The weirdest things get her off, don't they?

Uh, yeah. Yeah. She's, like walking down the stairs going, who laid that?

Oh, my God, it goes all the way to the edge. Ah!

Kill! What? That's...

That's your definition of "exquisitely carpeted"?

- Functional carpet. - To the edge.

To the edge of the room.

"Her comfortable, yet sexy black leather trouser suit..."

Whoa, another great look. Whoa.

Yeah. Did you say it was comfortable, yet sexy?

Yeah, yeah. "Comfortable, yet sexy." Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I feel like she's worn it a lot, like there's a bit of give in the gusset.

Oh, James.

It's comfy. A baggy crotch. No.

"Her comfortable, yet sexy, black leather trouser suit squeaked...

as she..." So she's literally like...

Mental.

"...as she strutted along the long, tiled hallway into the conference room."

I would argue that surfaces are getting a lot of airtime,

- and not... not much sex, thus far. - Yeah. Oh, yeah.

No.

"Natasha stood up and immediately pushed her throbbing tongue

- into Belinda's purple mouth." - Okay.

Wow.

Now we've started. I spoke too soon. Okay.

- We're literally in Belinda's mouth. - Yes.

Yeah, well, Natasha is.

There's a lot of activity there.

- There's quite a lot going on. - Lovely greeting, isn't it?

Yeah. Do you want to break it down?

Oh, what, go fifty-fifty? Yeah. I'll, uh...

What was it, purple mouth? I'll take the purple mouth.

And I will take throbbing tongue.

Okay. Good. I won't take throbbing tongue, although...

We'll see. There's some...

The night is young. ...eligible bachelors in the room, yeah.

- Uh, yeah. Purple mouth. - Uh, is she dying?

- No! No. No, no, she's fine. She's fine. - No. Choking?

- Ill? - No, no, no. She's fine.

- Okay, fine. - Okay. My question is about the aforementioned,

uh, throbbing tongue. Yes, Alice. Yes?

Um, I just wanted to know is that this kind of motion, like a...

Yeah.

Yeah. I imagine it's kind of like, yeah, like, like, pulsing.

Like, you can feel the blood, like...

Oh, I'm sorry. Is that your line?

'Cause you are literally fucked for the rest of this book, like...

- Oh, sorry. One more question, actually. - Yes?

Um, have they ever met?

Interesting question. They have... You're such a prude.

- ...never met. No. - Never met.

Okay. Good. Not even a hello? Just a...

Nice to meet you. Uh...

Um, guys, guys, guys.

"Belinda blinked."

- Cheers, cheers. - Mm.

- To you and yours. To you and yours. - To you and yours.

Right.

Oh!

You all right? Do you know you're making a noise?

Yes. There's something, there's something...

You're exhaling audibly.

Um... a...

Would you just give me a fucking second!

You're deflating. We're concerned.

I don't know what's happening, but can it last forever?

"I-I'm, ah... Natasha.

"And I'm in charge naah.

Yeah? Yeah?"

- No, definitely. "I'm in charge naah." - Yeah?

"Charge naah."

Was that supposed to be... French? That was French.

It's very good, I thought. No, no. I-I think that was a hate crime.

Oh, okay, okay.

- I'm offended for them. - Okay, fine.

Uh, is anyone in the room French tonight?

Or at least thinks they can do a better accent than I.

- Ooh. - Yes.

Um, are you willing to play

Natasha Biles for the rest of the show?

Yeah?

You can't be worse than me, so...

Um, but, come on, please take this fucking seriously, okay.

I take my accents incredibly seriously.

You know, I... I prep them.

They're not always appreciated in their time, um...

But we want real commitment, okay? Think the method.

Daniel Day-Lewis, Meryl Streep-level, okay?

What is your name, by the way? Tim.

No! You're Natasha Biles!

- Natasha! Natasha. - For God's sake!

Look alive, Natasha. Tim, Tim, Tim,

- Tim, Tim, Tim... Oh. - This will not end well.

Okay.

I am, uh, Natasha, and, uh, I'm in charge now.

I promised myself I wouldn't do this, Tim, but, um...

Oh, fuck off, Levine. That was... That was incredible.

...middling! That was honestly... incredible.

- Thank you for that. - Thank you.

I will call on you. But please...

don't build your part in the meantime. You know. Switch his mic off.

But, no. Thank you so much for being involved. We really appreciate it.

"Natasha put her hand on Belinda's...

knee."

- Did you hear that anticipation? - Yeah.

They're gagging for it, this lot. Look at them. They are so sex-starved.

Everyone's like, where did she put her hand?

"Feeling no flinching or resistance..."

That's called consent, everybody.

What? No. No, it's not.

That's really not consent.

What, not flinching or resisting?

Do you want to have a conference behind my hands? Yeah.

You're so wrong. Um...

That's not consent, is it? If somebody just doesn't flinch.

Oh, it's so murky, isn't it?

So if they don't recoil... If they're not sick, is normally my...

Right. Okay. Okay. Yeah.

Um, so, "...feeling no flinching or resistance,

she slid it up the leather-clad leg."

- Slid what up? Oh, the hand. The hand. - Her hand. Her hand.

Uh, the leather-clad leg of the chair, or of Belinda?

Of Belinda! Okay. Sorry. There's a lot of leather.

"Belinda opened her leg."

One leg? Singular.

She just sort of, spatchcocked her thigh.

Yeah. Yeah.

So, "Belinda opened her leg," um, "allowing Natasha..."

This is so stupid. "...free access to..."

If you say WiFi, I'm walking out.

I was just... that's just my... that's my line.

Why? She's got four bars up there. Just...

She's got a very connected vagina.

Just put your email in, and you're away.

I want you to know, at this point, I could say 4G-spot, but I haven't.

I just want you to know that. I've taken the high ground. I've taken the high ground.

Uh, no, um... Uh, "free access to her groin."

- Groin? - Yeah. Sexy, huh?

"With an experienced... hand,

"Natasha undid Belinda's patent leather belt

and pulled down..." Are you having an episode?

Why are you speaking like that? This is really fucking hard to read.

Can I just get this... just this one sentence up, please?

So, look. So, "Belinda opened her leg allowing Natasha free access to her groin." Fine.

"With an experienced... hand"

"Natasha undid Belinda's patent leather belt

"and pulled, down...

Oh, my God. "...her trousers's zip."

"Trousers's zip."

We have to drink on that. Oh, drink. Drinks for days.

You couldn't dream it so good, could you.

"Her hand... dove into the vaginal area."

- Oh! Bloody hell! - Whoa!

Fucking hell, James. Sounds like she's...

That was good. I heard the wind rush past you.

Just straight in there. No splash.

Oh. Don't... Oh, sorry.

Don't say no splash.

I heard it as I said it. Sorry.

"Her hand... dove into the vaginal area, where two...

- fingers..." - Oh, God.

"...pulled aside..."

- What? - "...the flimsy..."

Flimsy? Aah! "red...

- panties." - Whew.

Okay. So, like... No, like that.

No, like that. What are you doing?

What was... Just do that again. What was that?

Now, I was just hooking them, the panties, to the side.

I mean, I would rather you didn't, but yeah.

- But then I was thinking... - What is that?

Stop doing that. What is that?

I thought that might be the inflammatory move. Um...

No, I was just thinking of those... sexy pants.

Uh, you know the ones that are cut up the middle.

- There's a chap, "I know. - Yeah."

Um... "Oh, I've seen 'em."

Um, so then you would do that, or like... that.

Stop! What are you...? Whoa.

They're not curtains. Fucking hell. Morning!

That's more like Mum on an iPad, isn't it? That's like...

"Two fingers pulled aside the flimsy red panties, and entered

her clitoris."

Yes? James, you have a question.

The lady in the blouse. Yes?

Yeah. Um, not my area of expertise,

Yes. Yeah. But...

you cannot enter a clitoris?

- No, please. - Whoa, whoa.

James, sit down. You lot, you should know better.

Do not applaud basic knowledge like that.

Especially when he said it as a fucking question.

"You cannot enter a clitoris?"

That's actually progress, worryingly.

Yeah, well, that's true. Yeah. I'll put that in the notebook.

- That's another learning for another day. - Is there a notebook?

You know, just the things I've learned. Musings.

Musings, you know, "You cannot enter a clitoris." Yeah. Great. Good.

"Not flinching is not consent."

"Belinda gently eased her trousers down her asshole."

Asshole!

"Down her asshole."

How big's her asshole? Down?

Asshole. Asshole... Into the lower mezzanine of her asshole.

- That's really cool. He's just... - Wow.

He's got asshole in there, hasn't he? Dad, what the fuck? Like...

That's not nice. Are you proud of him?

Not right now. No.

"Belinda gently eased her trousers down her asshole,

"being careful not to impede Natasha's rhythmic touching..."

Ooh.

- Hang on, hang on, hang on. So, Natasha's like that. - Yeah.

- But Belinda's like, "I'm so sorry." - Yeah, so like...

"Can I just, like..."

Do you mind if...? Oh, whoa!

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. No, I didn't. No, I didn't.

You touched a bollock. No, I didn't!

- You did. - Did she really?

You touched a bollock.

It was fine. I thought we were fine. You were just saying...

Alice entered my clitoris. No, I didn't.

I'm not surprised. Five-finger Levine was going for it up there.

She was absolutely loving it.

"Belinda put her left leg up

on the arm of Natasha's carved oak captain's chair."

"She ran her left hand through her raven mane... Ooh!

"...whilst her right caressed her shapely body.

"Tracing the line of her taut inner thigh,

she stroked her fingertips over Natasha's broad shoulders."

Sorry, Jamie. I'm so sorry to interrupt. Yes. Sorry.

Anyone else getting a bit lost?

- It is a bit hard to follow, yeah. To be fair. - Yeah, like...

- Just... just now. - Just now.

- Like, bits are going in different places. - Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's kind of turning into a bit of a game of Twister, isn't it? Yeah. It is.

Do you know what this would be a great opportunity to do?

Something we can't do on the podcast. Leave early?

No. But great idea. No, no, no, no. Yeah.

A recreation. Yes!

Let's bring the book to life!

I'm up for that. Yeah. I'm game. Yeah.

Okay, great. So I'm gonna need a couple of volunteers

from the audience.

I'm gonna go... I think I'm gonna go amongst them.

Good luck. Lube me up. I'm going in.

All right. Okay. Um, anyone... anyone someone's plus one?

Anyone, like, what the hell am I... Oh! Oh!

Hello. Hi.

Hi. Uh, so you're a plus one? Yes.

Is this a date? No.

Yes, it is. It's a date?

It is. It is. A first date?

Yes, it is.

What was that? It definitely is a first date.

Oh, my God! We've got a first date! Oh, my God. Right.

Right, right, right. What's your name? Ari. Ari!

Ari. Ari, and... Tom.

Ari and Tom.

So, how did you meet? We work together.

You work together? Oh, my God. It's like Steeles Pots and Pans!

Where do you work?

No, no...

A chemical company. No, no.

A chemical company.

Our company makes the latex for condoms.

Are you fucking joking me?

Oh, my God.

Well, um, I hope you manage to use your own products this evening.

Have a fabulous night. Give 'em a round of applause, guys.

Uh, okay. So, would anyone like to help us recreate

a scene this evening?

Oh, yes. Oh, my God. She's got, like, the perfect Belinda hair.

Okay.

Hello. What's your name? Katie.

Katie. Okay, Katie. What do you do for a job?

I'm a chef. She's a chef!

She works with pots and pans!

- It's fate. - It's meant to be.

You're perfect. Katie, you're our Belinda.

There you go.

Head up to the stage. Uh, we also need a Natasha.

So, will you be our Natasha? Of course. Yeah.

Amazing. Okay. We have our Natasha. Give her a round of applause.

Head up to the stage. Let's go.

Okay. Right. So, if you take a seat

in the chair, you're Natasha.

You stand there. You're Belinda.

Okay. Right. So, what's gonna happen is,

Jamie's gonna read from the book,

and you literally have to act out what he says. Okay?

Good luck. It's bad.

Um, I feel like we need to help these two

- get in the mood, though, don't we? - Yeah, I think so. Yeah.

Could we set, uh, a kind of sexy mood onstage, please?

Ooh, yes. I also have something for you.

- Oh, wow. - LED tea-lights. Alice!

You shouldn't have.

I think we're learning a lot about Alice Levine's private life, here.

LED tea-lights. Hello! They work every time. Every time. Yeah.

Okay, Jamie. I think we're ready.

So, when you're ready to... Okay.

"Belinda put her left leg

up on the arm of Natasha's carved oak captain's chair."

Okay, you have to come... Whoa!

So that's what it looks like!

Oh, gods!

Okay, hang on. Have you got... Oh, can I just borrow that?

Okay, put your left foot up. Trust me, trust me.

Okay. On the arm. On the arm.

There you go. Hold that there. Hold that there. Okay.

"She ran her left hand through her raven mane,

whilst her right caressed her shapely body."

I'll hold the hat for you. There you go. Oh, thank you.

- Oh, my God! Oh, my God! - Yes!

Woo!

Has anyone else got a semi, because...

This is hot stuff.

"Tracing the line of her taut inner thigh..."

There you go. Yeah.

"...she stroked her fingertips over Natasha's broad shoulders."

Okay, so if you bring them around here, just stroke her like a cat. There you go.

Oh! Almost! Oh, God.

Leg up. Arm here. There we go.

I feel like James would be such a bossy lover.

No, arm there. No, caress me there. Leg up. Arm there. Come on.

Yeah. Okay. "She grabbed her left breast."

If Rocky's written it, it's possible.

I have to grab it forward.

There we go. She's on the breast!

I'll take that.

"She squeezed a nut-shaped nipple..."

Wait, wait, wait. We've got nuts.

We've got some nuts. We'll bring you a nut.

Okay, what have we got?

What would you like? What nipple would you like?

Should we go with that one? Yeah, sure.

- That's nice and fancy. - That's offensive, but, yeah.

No, no. You hold it.

You hold it where the nipple goes. There we go.

"She squeezed a nut-shaped nipple

and followed the outline with her forefinger."

- "Going, going 'round." - Going 'round.

- "And 'round." - And 'round.

"And round." And round.

"And 'round."

"But increasing the pressure with each circumnavigation."

Okay, you really give it some, and you're enjoying it.

You're enjoying it.

"Natasha moaned deeply."

Uh...

"Belinda bent her head..." There we go.

"...and started to excavate her damp cave."

No, no, no, no, no, no. That's quite enough.

Let's stop the music. Let's get the lights back to normal.

I think that's quite enough. Ladies and gentlemen,

please give a round of applause for Belinda and Natasha.

Take a bow, girls. Take a bow.

Thank you. Thank you.

I mean, that was... That was a train wreck.

- That was a lot. - But, you know, well done, James.

I saw a vagina.

Okay.

"Suddenly, the girls heard the sound

of the regional sales managers..."

Oh, my God. That's why we're here.

I'd completely forgotten why we were here.

It's like the Beatles have arrived.

"...of the regional sales manager's cars parking outside.

"They quickly dressed one another,

finishing just as her subordinates plodded into the room."

Way to kill the energy, Rocky. Thanks.

"Patrick O'Hamlin..."

Yay!

Yeah, he's in charge of two whole countries, lest we forget.

Scotland, and Ireland. Busy man.

"Ken Dewsbury..."

Really? He films women in his cellar.

Guys, come on.

You guys are sick. "Des Martin..."

And he dribbles during sex. God, this lot.

"And Dave Wilcox..."

Oh.

The Ringo of the group, clearly.

"...slumped into the expansive collection of chairs."

So, the regional sales managers are kind of all on the same level, right,

within the hierarchy of the company?

Yeah, they're all under Belinda, so to speak.

I actually, um, thought it'd be useful to see

the kind of company structure of Steeles Pots and Pans.

Uh, 'cause there's been so much thought put into these books.

Um, so I actually have it here. Um...

So, there's Belinda, the center of it all.

I love that we're supposed to be turned on,

and we're looking at a chart of the company structure

of a pots and pans company.

Yeah, it's not the most sexy, is it? It's also not that useful.

What's really important is to see who's fucked who.

Yes! So, let's... let's change that,

and see who's done the dirty with whom.

Oh, jeez.

Yeah. So, you really kind of, so, you know...

Wow. What do all the lines mean?

Yeah. So, red is "flirting whilst nude."

Um, you know, so not that much

of that's gone on, actually, at Steeles Pots and Pans.

Heavy petting is rife.

A lot of that's been going on.

That's the blue line.

Then you've got all the sex,

which is the green one,

So again, not that much going on at Steeles.

So let's widen it out,

and have a look at the context

with every character that's ever graced

- the Belinda Blinked universe. - Oh, my God.

- Oh, my God. - Look at it.

It's like the London Underground. Look at it.

- I love that all lines lead to Belinda, as well. - Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Although, and this is so sad, look, Jim Thompson. Nothing!

Not a sausage, literally.

- Poor Jim! - Poor Jim!

"But the session had begun."

Yes, it had.

"Natasha placed three dice onto the table."

- Dice? - Dice.

Okay. "And asked each person to take a throw."

"Patrick O'Hamlin. He went first." Oh, yeah.

"And with a hint of a tease,

he scored three... sixes!"

Oh, that's good!

That is the best you can do with three dice.

I'm sorry. What are we playing?

Uh, we're playing dice. Dice. Yeah, he did say that.

Not a game, but cool.

- "Everyone else groaned..." - Oh, let's groan.

"...swearing at the luck of the Irish..."

Bastards.

"...the rest of the RSMs took their throws.

"Des Martin scored a good, solid ten..."

That's decent. "...from a three, a five, and a two."

♪ Nobody cares! ♪

"Dave Wilcox scored a 12...

"...from a five, a six, and a one."

I love that he's just filling pages.

"And Ken Dewsbury...

- "...a measly seven." - Ooh.

Oh, let me guess. A one, a four, a two.

"From a two, a three, and a two." Oh.

"Natasha picked up the dice."

Oh, there's more dice, more dice.

"And she passed them on to Belinda."

- It's a lot of dice admin. - Yeah.

"Belinda smiled, but...

"she didn't wink."

Then don't write it. Yeah. Good to know. Thanks, Dad.

You don't need to document it if it didn't happen.

"Her quick but casual throw..."

Don't know where they went. Do not care.

"Her quick but casual throw resulted...

in a score..." Oh, can we drumroll? Can we do a little...?

"...of..."

"...four..."

Oh, God. "...from a one, a two...

and another wretched one."

That's disappointing.

"Natasha Biles looked daggers at her..."

"...as a stunned silence said everything there was to say on the matter.

"Belinda lowered her eyes and thought...

"Fuck me.

"I've... I've ruined her exercise.

What's she gonna do to me now?"

Can we get a tiny bit of perspective?

"Natasha said..."

"'That's the end of dice class.

"'Belinda, seeing as you came bottom,

"'you must spend the rest of the afternoon...

"'topless.'"

"Natasha took Belinda by the elbow...

...guided her to the edge of the room and licked her face."

Oh, God.

- As you do. - Why?

I literally have no idea what's going on in this fucking book.

"Secretly, she pulled out a box of Humphries Dice and Mice

joke shop dice."

My preferred brand.

"And whispered..."

- "'As you can see...'" - MORTON: Whispered.

"'As you can see,

"'my box of dice are from Humphries

"'Dice and Mice joke shop.

"'Suppliers to royalty.'"

It's very good.

It's very, very good.

"'Why, why you... you, you... why, you..."

That does not say that.

Look. Oh, it does say that.

Get up, get up. Get this line up.

"'Why, why you... you, you...

"'why you, you... you, why you.

You switched the dice when it was my turn.'"

That is poetry. That is beautiful.

"'Natasha declared..."

"'What do you expect? I am a guru.'"

"Lust and professional respect pulsed through her body."

Two very different emotions all at...

"It was as if Natasha could taste it on her breath."

Oh. Her breath? Have you eaten lust and professional respect?

Ooh, it's very strong.

Does it repeat? Is it like onions?

"It was as if Natasha could taste it on her breath,

"because she slowly pulled up her skirt...

and flashed her cervix."

Now...

He has done this before.

Dad doesn't know what a cervix is.

He thinks it's just another word for vagina.

And, I... Alice.

This is a specific pet peeve of yours.

It should be a specific pet peeve of all of ours.

And it is, absolutely. But, I think particularly, it's a bee in your bonnet.

Yeah. Well, he does just think that all of the lady bits

are sort of jumbled up in a bag, and they can kind of go anywhere.

It feels like this would be a missed opportunity to not clear it up once and for all,

- so can I take two minutes of your time? - Please.

Please. Alice, you can take four. Thanks. Okay.

So it will surprise you to hear that we do do some preparation before the show. I know.

And we were reading this study, because Rocky does really struggle...

Yeah, he does. ...with female anatomy.

But it turns out, so do a lot of you.

Because 50 percent of millennial women

don't know where their vagina is.

- That's real. That's not a joke. - It's true. It's a true fact.

This is not a laughing matter. Okay?

I don't mean they're like, "Is it here?"

I mean, they, like, don't know which bit's which. So...

What do you think that top label is?

They are the...?

I said to the boys backstage, I had a little peek through the curtain,

I was like, "We have a room full of FalTu fans."

Yes. Fallopian tubes. Okay.

Brilliant. Okay. Next one down. What are they?

Ovaries!

Okay, that was almost unanimous, apart from a chap...

I'm not gonna look at you, sir, 'cause I don't want to embarrass anybody,

but in this zone, who definitely said lungs, but yes, that is...

the... the lungs of the reproductive system, if you like.

That is the ovaries.

Sir, please be careful. You are gonna kill someone.

Um... next one down.

I'll give you a little clue.

It's the team player. You can't spell this without "us."

Yes, it's the uterus. You betcha.

Um, okay, bottom right, sir, that's not what it's called.

What is the bottom right one?

Did someone say banana?

It's worse than I thought. It's higher than 50 percent.

That is the vagina. Okay. So the last one...

Let's just have just complete silence for a second.

Um, and I think on the count of three, we could all do this together.

Because I am gonna have a little guess that this is not happening

anywhere else in London tonight.

Okay. So on the count of three, as loudly...

At the top of your lungs, you might say, sir...

Mind blown. Okay.

Three, two, one...

Cervix!

That was magical. I...

Yeah.

Yeah. Applaud yourselves. Yeah.

Because you just made me come, so thank you.

Thank you so much. Thank you.

Alice Levine. Fucking respect.

- That was good. - Thanks.

"The team couldn't believe their luck,

"as Natasha and Belinda unbuttoned their blouses,

"unhooked their brassieres,

and let their respective tits hang out."

Yes.

Respective tits?

These are my tits. Those are your tits.

"Within seconds, a somewhat flushed-ish..."

Oh!

That's, although stupid, quite nice, "flushed-ish."

- Oh, it's ever so nice to say. - Flushed-ish.

"Within seconds, a somewhat flushed-ish

"Patrick O'Hamlin stood up and said...

"'Hey!"

"'Hey, listen to me. I got the straight sixes.

"'I'm strippin' off, too.'" COOPER: Oh.

"Suddenly, Ken Dewsbury piped up.

"'Fuck it.'"

"'Fuck it. I did no better than ladies.

- "'I reckon I should be balled naked, too.'" - LEVINE: Balled naked?

"Then, unbelievably,

"keeping true to his word,

Ken Dewsbury removed all of his clothes."

I don't want to see it. "He folded them carefully."

Drink.

Although, I think that's sexy and respectful.

"He folded them carefully on one of the wing-backed chairs..."

- Yes. - That's another drink, isn't it?

"...sitting around the edge of the recently vacuumed room."

Yeah.

"He then... took care... to sit on his socks..."

"...so as to not..."

Oh, God, I don't like it when you pause.

- "...soil the soft furnishings." - Oh...

Mm. Mm-mm, mm. Has... Has Ken done a poo?

- Sorry, because he's about to... - Shit himself,

- or he has... Shit himself? - I don't know.

Okay, okay. It doesn't say.

It doesn't really matter, does it? Really doesn't matter.

It's a moot point. Shit's coming either way.

Right. Yep.

"Des Martin, never one to be caught out,

immediately stripped down to his black thong."

Oh!

I don't care how many times he writes it, it's not catching on.

Although, in the room tonight, I felt like there was a lot of support for that.

Let's say 80 percent of the men are wearing black thongs tonight.

"Natasha thought the session was going rather well."

What was the criteria?

"Belinda was delighted."

"Dave Wilcox was confused."

"But he promptly stripped off, for he was a businessman."

And that's what they do, is it? Yeah. I guess.

"Natasha's fuckably-shaped breasts..."

Aah?

Don't answer this, either of you. Just think about it.

What shape are they?

What shape is a fuckably-shaped breast?

Is it like, a... Don't answer it.

"Natasha's fuckably-shaped breasts

"echoed..."

Ga-doon, Ga-doon, Ga-doon, Ga-doon...

Like one of those, you know, those exec toys,

that people have on their desks? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

"Natasha's fuckably-shaped breasts echoed the maturity

"of her tanned, rounded body,

and good, sturdy legs."

- Sturdy legs, as well? - Yeah.

Is that sexy? Sturdy legs? Sturdy legs.

Do you look at somebody like, "Ooh, I bet she can stand up for hours."

She doesn't look like she needs a chair.

"It was all too much for Des Martin.

"He simply had to have Belinda,

team building session or no."

"He reached over and pulled down the boss's knickers."

I just like that as a turn of phrase.

"You think you're the boss's knickers, don't you."

Everyone in the room gasped at his cheek."

Very good. "And they waited.

Boy, did they wait"

for the slap on the face he so truly deserved."

"It never came."

Is there no justice?

"Belinda turned 'round

- "and kissed Des Martin..." - Aw.

- "...deeply..." - That's nice.

"...on his cock."

- That's really cool. - That's really cool.

That's cool. That's the coolest thing I've ever heard.

Isn't that the coolest thing ever?

How... How do you kiss someone deeply on the cock?

You tell me.

Tongue down the urethra? I don't know... Oh, you're gonna answer?

You just... Wow. It's a guess!

That is the most Rocky thing you've ever said.

You answered so quickly. Why didn't you give it a beat?

Pretend you've just thought of it. Here's what I like:

"Tongue down the urethra."

What a perfect impression of me.

"Here's what I like. Tongue down urethra."

"She opened her mouth wide and took him in."

- Oh! - Took him in?

That's... "Are you cold?"

"Come on. Do you need somewhere to stay for the night?"

Stop pointing so much. We can find it. Thank you.

"...opened her mouth wide and took him in,

"in one gulp." Oh, my God.

Has she swallowed his cock? She's, like, shucked him back like an oyster.

"Des Martin screamed."

- I'll bet he did. - "I'm not surprised."

"Where's my cock?"

"I had it this morning."

Oh, my God. Oh, hang on. Sorry. No.

I read it wrong... ish.

"Des Martin screamed in ecstasy."

Oh. Okay. No, I beg to differ. I don't think he did.

That sounds aw... It sounds horrific.

"And..." Fuck.

"...white...

"...semen..."

"...dribbled down Belinda's throat."

Eww-agh! Okay.

Oh, God.

Would it be...?

I'm literally, I'm... I'm a wreck.

I'm a wreck of a man.

Your dad... Yeah. I know!

No, you know. You know. You know. I don't need to say it. You know, so...

God. Is it...

a bad time to just ask you to reread the last line... just recap the last line?

Really? I can't remember the exact wording of the...

Okay, fine.

"Des Martin screamed in ecstasy

as white semen dribbled down Belinda's throat."

Mm. It's no better on second hearing.

I thought it might have mellowed.

"Patrick O' Hamlin could wait no longer.

With a mighty leap and a bound, he cleared the table..."

Spiderman.

"...catching Natasha by the breasts."

She's not a climbing wall!

"He threw her onto the exquisitely laid parquet floors."

"There, writhing in expectation,

"Patrick O'Hamlin entered her vagina and tickled her labia."

He "entered her."

It sounds like he kind of went, like...

with one of those head torches on.

Yep. Yep. Good in here.

If you knock that down, that's... that's the partition.

That pelvic floor, that can come up.

"Natasha opened her legs wider."

Well, she'd have to. There's a whole man up there, doing...

...quite an extensive renovation.

- "And pulled Patrick even deeper into her rampant body." - Oh, shit!

So it's just a pair of shoes? Like this. Yeah.

"Meanwhile..."

Back at the office... "Meanwhile..."

"Des Martin returned Belinda's mouth

- to his now reinvigorated penis." - Oh, lovely.

"And started to screw her politely.

Oh, no, please. After you. May I?

"Ken Dewsbury had set about entering Belinda,

and he started to fuck her with gusto."

- Oh... - Gusto?

Is that, like... ♪ Ba-da-da dah! ♪

No, that's pizzazz. Oh.

Gusto, Pizzazz. There's a fine line.

You do always get them confused.

"This all left an ever so bewildered Dave Wilcox,

- who quickly squatted on Natasha's face..." - Oh, my God.

Don't do it quickly. No. That's a thing to take your time over, isn't it?

She'll have two black eyes. Aah!

Just like a... boom! Ooh!

"...enabling her to chew his testicles."

This is really rough. This is horrible, horrible...

I don't want to speak for the male experience, but I'm gonna...

Look at James! He's like, protecting himself.

Using your teeth to chew on a testicle,

I'm just gonna say that might hurt. It's not advisable, yeah.

It'd be like biting into a pickled onion, wouldn't it?

- Oh, my God. - Why?

Why so vinegary?

Not the taste. The texture, you loon!

"He growled in pleasure..." He didn't. He just didn't.

"...waiting for Patrick O'Hamlin to drain himself."

I've never been more upset by a verb.

That's disgusting, isn't it?

Draining himself into, like, a husk.

"...waiting for Patrick O'Hamlin to drain himself..."

Stop saying, "To drain himself."

"...so he could release his big, throbbing cock into..."

Into the wild.

Be free! Actual Free Willy.

Oh, my God!

- Very good. Very good. - That's good.

It's a very different film.

"...so he could fully release his big, throbbing cock

into Natasha's womanly creases."

Womanly creases?

- That's actually quite good. - Is it?

Sounds like he's jizzed in her back fat or something. Oh, James!

Oh, thank you.

Oh, my God. Thank you for draining yourself.

Oh, my God. "Jizzed in her back fat." Wow. That is quite the image.

"Belinda Blumenthal...

"plopped Des Martin's floppy phallus

out of her jaws."

How many people can honestly say they're not turned on?

I think you'd find it hard, if you were being completely honest.

Oh, my God. I don't think I'm ever gonna have an erection again.

So, "Belinda Blumenthal plopped..." Plopped?

Plopped! It wasn't even flopped. Plopped.

"...Des Martin's floppy phallus out of her jaws

"as she watched her knackered colleagues."

"Her mind got in touch..."

Yes!

Hiya!

"Her mind got in touch to say, 'Eighteen grand well spent.'"

- Eighteen grand? - Yeah.

That's the most disgusting part of this whole chapter.

This whole... I mean, car crash.

- Eighteen grand on what? On some dice? - Eighteen grand.

Mainly the cleanup, I imagine.

They had to just burn the whole thing down.

Getting shit out of upholstery is... is difficult.

So... so I've heard.

Anecdotally.

- Everyone? - What?

- "Belinda blinked." - Yes!

Ah!

And that, thank fuck...

- is the end of the chapter. - Aw!

Good effort.

Wow.

So, really, there's only one thing left to do.

Um, and that's thank the man... the mystery.

The monster. Yes.

My dad.

Please, guys. Be upstanding...

...to the great Rocky Flintstone!

To Rocky Flintstone. To Rocky Flintstone. Cheers.

To Rocky. To Rocky. Cheers. Cheers.

Cheers. Cheers.

Thank you guys so, so much for coming out! You've been amazing!

We have been My Dad Wrote a Porno. You have all been perverts.

Thank you, and good night.

Woo!