All language subtitles for Married With Children - 0818 - Get Outta Dodge

Well, here we are, my dear.
"Casa de Bundy."

Otherwise known as
"Home of the Whopper."

I don't know, Bud.
What if your parents come in?

Relax, babe. They're in Milwaukee.

It's the first stop
on Oprah's "Fatapalooza Tour."

They're displaying the weight she lost
in giant glass jars.

Many giant glass jars.

They've taken the Dodge.

Actually, it's "Dodgenstein."

Made from the parts
of other dead Dodges.

Now...

Now, what say me and you
slip out of these dry clothes...

...and into a wet me and you.

But what if your sister comes in?

I wouldn't worry about her.
I've given her a little task.

Waldo?

Okay, he's not in the garage.
That much we know.

And you just keep looking, Kel.
You're doing a great job.

I know. Maybe he's upstairs.

Maybe so. Maybe no.

That's what makes finding Waldo
such a great game.

Yeah, well, he can run
but he can't hide.

Because no one can outsmart me...

...once I start using
the old grey mattress.

That's my sister, Kelly.

She's very special.

Now, where were we?

I'm scared, Bud.

I mean, you don't know
how strict my dad is.

Last time I got caught like this,
I was grounded for six months...

...and the team couldn't go
to the Rose Bowl.

We can't get caught. Come here.

Listen, why don't we put
those pretty little lips...

...to something more useful, like me.

Lisa Pruner. I am telling your father.

Can't get caught, huh?

Women. Can't live with them...

...the end.

What happened to the tour?

Well, your father hit a speed bump...

...and the Dodge couldn't make it
to the top.

It was awful, Bud.

We rolled backwards, uncontrollably.

Sometimes reaching speeds
upwards of two miles an hour.

Fortunately we were jolted to a halt
by an anthill...

...which survived the impact.

You know, Peg, I'm starting to sense
you're not too fond of the Dodge.

No, Al. I'm not too fond
of war and injustice.

I freaking hate the Dodge.

Now, look,
I know I've said this before...

...but this time I'm serious.

I want you to sell that car.

Sell the Dodge?

My Dodge?

I will never sell the Dodge, Peg.

That car's tied with some
of the great memories of my life.

Who can forget the tailgate party
before the Bears' championship game?

Oh, the game we missed
because the engine caught on fire?

Okay, well, how about Christmas
at the lake?

You mean Christmas in the lake.

When the brakes failed.

Fine. Well, how did you get
to the hospital when Bud was born?

Taxi.

And why? Because I drove
to the pool hall in the Dodge.

Daddy, I need your help.

Listen, I'm hot on the trail
of this weird guy named Waldo.

Have you seen him?

She's gonna be with us
until we die, you know.

She's not important right now, Al.

Now, look, what is wrong
with getting a slightly newer car?

I hear they're coming with all
these new, fancy options these days.

You know,
like dashboards and paint.

Just more things to go wrong.

Listen to me, Peg.

You can nag, you can cry,
you can whinny, bleat and moo...

...but I will never sell the Dodge.

Finally selling the Dodge, huh?

Yeah, it's like giving up
one of your children...

...but none of the joy.

Well, for my money you still
can't beat a European sports car.

I mean, Marcie and I are nuts
about ours:

Rack and pinion steering,
four-wheel independent suspension...

...and 310
of the sexiest Euro-ponies...

...that ever hurtled a Yankee
from 0 to 60 in under five seconds.

Oh, man, what a car.

- Where is it?
- It's in the shop.

Still? Jefferson,
you've had the car five months.

It hasn't been off the rack yet.
What's wrong with it?

They don't know, but it's something
very sophisticated, very expensive...

...and very, very Euro.

I'm telling you,
I'm on top of the world with that car.

You can ask anybody on the bus
how happy I am.

So how's your ad coming?

Done. Here.

"Used car of indeterminate year.

Forced to sell by used wife.

Also of indeterminate year.

Four thousand dollars"?

What?

You don't think I can get $4000?

I don't think you could get dollars.

Jefferson, let me tell you something.

Waldo?

Waldo?

Let me tell you something.

I'm a salesman.
Consequently, I know sales.

Now, when this ad
hits the papers, baby...

...they'll be lined up
around the block. Trust me.

Hi. We're a couple of winos.

We don't wanna drink and drive.

So we wanna buy a Dodge.

Here's your 40 bucks.

Forty?

It was supposed to say 4000.

Hey, we're not that drunk.

Does your trunk leak?

We have no time to haggle.

We want car
and directions to Sears Tower.

Here's $40.

Hi, I'm looking for a guy
named-- Daddy.

Oh, boy, I thought
this house looked familiar.

Dodge. American motorcar.

This is going well.

- You know what the problem is?
- Sure.

The blind don't drive.

Too bad the mute don't marry.

Mr. Bundy, I'm Bill Ellis
from the Dodge Corporation.

We just need to verify a couple
of things about your ad.

I know what you're gonna say,
but it wasn't my fault.

I clearly told them,
"Seat," comma, then "belts."

- Oh, that's not important.
- I didn't think so either.

Come on in.

Hello, ma'am.

Is it true
she's gone over 999,000 miles?

He means the car, you wildebeest.

I'll get right to the point, Mr. Bundy.
Congratulations.

It's not every day that a Dodge
reaches a million miles.

This is something very special to us.

You, Mr. Bundy,
are very special to us...

...and we want to be there
on that momentous occasion...

...when your odometer
reads all zeros.

You mean,
you want us to be in a commercial?

Yes.

Oh, fine.
A lot of free publicity for you guys...

...but what's in it for us?

A 1994 Dodge Viper.

Now, let me get this straight.

When my Dodge
goes over a million miles...

...you give me that car?

Well, first we want to film your car
crossing the one-million-mile mark...

...but after that, Mr. Bundy,
the Viper is yours.

Oh, Peg, I'm so happy,
I could shake your hand.

Al, it only has two seats.

What about the kids?

It's got a trunk.

Bill, speaking of family...

...who's gonna play my young
blond wife in the commercial?

Hey, what about me?

Well, you don't play my wife
in real life.

And besides, you hated the Dodge.

- I did not.
- Weren't you the one...

...that got me the license-plate holder
that said:

"I'd rather be driving"?

Well, that just shows you
how close I am to the Dodge.

- We kid like that all the time.
- Oh, no, Peg.

You laughed at the Dodge.
You mocked the Dodge.

She shot the Dodge,
but she didn't shoot the deputy.

- What does that mean?
- I don't know, Peg.

I'm just babbling like this
because I'm staring at her cleavage.

Peggy, what's going on?

Al has been driving
up and down the street for 12 hours.

Well, the Dodge people told him
that when his odometer...

...hit all nines to call them
and they'd send out a camera crew.

So much like in bed...

...Al wants to get it over with
as quickly as possible.

Well, I still say a foreign car
is the way to go.

You've gotta see the new pictures
they sent of ours.

Here's the diagnostic crew
waving at us...

...in front of the big box they're gonna
send it back to Stuttgart in.

I did it, Peg.

Nine hundred,
ninety-nine thousand...

...nine hundred and ninety-nine
and nine tenths.

The Dodge is ready
for the commercial now.

I even backed it into the garage.
Think of it, Peg.

Tomorrow I will drive out, Al Bundy,
old-Dodge owner...

...and drive back in,
Al Bundy, Viper Man.

Yeah, but the bottom line is
you'll still be Al Bundy.

- Tragic, isn't it?
- Marcie, I didn't see you come in.

Pull up an egg,
I'll be with you in a few minutes.

Al Bundy here.

The mighty Dodge is at all nines.

Great. See you in the morning.

And now to bask
in the joys of anticipation...

...sweeter, some say,
than the actual catch.

You're so calm.
I mean, if it were my Dodge...

...I'd be worried lightning was gonna
strike it or a tree was gonna fall on it...

...even before the camera crew
could get here.

I wouldn't be able to sleep a wink.

And here you've got 12 hours to go
and you're not even nervous.

That's the difference
between you and me, Marcie.

I'm not the worrying kind.

That, and if I do this,
it appears that I have breasts.

You don't need to do that.

Al...

- What are you doing?
- That damn Marcie.

She's got me so worried something's
gonna happen to the car, I can't sleep.

Well, I know
what would help you sleep.

Thanks, Peg, now I can't eat.

This is going well.

I'm surprised
you haven't called the police.

Someone call the police?
We got a call about a shooting.

Yes, I did, but I lied.

See, I need someone
to guard the Dodge...

...and a cop
is cheaper than a Doberman.

Excuse me, I may need both hands
to pound this guy into hash.

But if you ever take a shot
at my partner again, you're going in.

Gotcha.

But you don't understand.

I got a terrible feeling something's
gonna happen to my Dodge.

Al, how long have I known you?

What? Seven, eight years?

I've arrested you,
what, 11, 12 times?

You're a load in my pants,
you know that, Al?

No one wants your crummy car.

No one even believes
this house is occupied.

Now, either go to bed,
or let me blow you away...

...so I can go to bed.

On second thought, I gotta go.

I might have left something
at the doughnut shop.

Hold it.

Never mind.

Dad, it's 2:00 in the morning.
I gotta take some tests tomorrow.

Yeah, Dad, I gotta go
to the doctor's too.

Kids, or should I say,
lackeys of the red devil...

...I need your help.
The Dodge is in trouble.

So who hasn't been?

Come, my children--
And Kelly.

--to the garage.

We'll guard the Dodge.

We proud Bundys three
will guard against those...

...who will pillage and plunder
and joyride in the Dodge.

- Do we get to drive the Viper?
- No.

Why should we help
guard the Dodge?

Because we're family, damn it.

So are the Jacksons. Good night.

Fine. I'll guard the Dodge myself.

Four hours.

I can do that.

First I'll open the garage door.
Let a little fresh air in.

Or out.

There's nothing like a little music
to help pass the time.

Who was the genius that let
West Virginia become a state?

Okay, no problem.
I'll just entertain myself...

...with one of my many
challenging hobbies.

Marlon Brando.

Alfred Hitchcock.

Elvis.

"Refrigerator" Perry.

Elizabeth Taylor.

Six a.m. I did it!

I beat the night.

They'll be here pretty soon.

I'll never have to work again.

I'll just drive my Viper.

I'll drive it here and there,
to and fro...

...out and about.

And to my millions of fans,
I'll be known as Le Grande Vipe.

I'll be famous.

I'll fight crime...

...if it doesn't scratch the paint.

Oh, and he was so close.
What happened?

Well, he fell asleep...

...and then the Dodge rolled
out of the driveway.

So now the odometer reads
"000,000 and nine tenths"...

...which means no commercial
and no new car.

Well, how did he finally stop?

Well, luckily...

...there was a brand-new foreign car
parked outside...

...which had finally been fixed,
but never driven.

Well, it's good to get that first
broadside out of the way.

We still made it over a million miles.
Aren't they gonna give him anything?

Well, yeah. They gave him
a car phone as a consolation prize.

And you know, there's one thing
you have to say about Al.

He is determined not to let this
little setback beat him.

Hello, Al? Is that you?

Hello, Peg.

I'm here in Burnt Scrotum,
New Mexico.

And guess what.
I'm over a thousand miles, babe.

I'm gonna drive until I hit
another million.

And then you'll be home, Al?

Then I'll be home,
and the Viper will be mine.

Do you hear me? Mine, I tell you.

Mine! Mine!