Original subtitles

Hello there, sexy. Oh... No, don't touch the tie.

I had to watch a YouTube video to get the knot right.

We made it, brother.

Building a mini-mall. What's bigger than that?

Well, a mall.

Yeah.

I love seeing you guys all fancy.

It's a big step up from the open robe

I usually see at breakfast.

You're welcome.

Hey, um,

since you guys are so busy,

why don't I take some personal days this week

and fill in for you as room parent?

You can do that?

This will give me a chance to dazzle Mrs. Rodriguez

so she'll recommend Emme to the good first grade teacher,

and not the one that takes out her teeth during quiet time.

Yeah, well, good luck.

Rodriguez's bar for room parents is way too high.

I've done my best to bring it down, but it's still...

up there.

Okay, well, don't worry about me.

You know that bar that you haven't met?

I set it.

I'm just saying, she's not an easy woman to please.

Well, there's a reason she's good-looking, but not married.

There's trouble under the hood.

Come on. We should get going.

Kids! Time for school.

I'm gonna hit the bathroom first this time.

Good thinking.

: Yeah.

Every office we go to has a different bathroom code.

I can't keep 'em all straight.

Last week, I had to pee in the parking garage.

I hit the car alarm

when he was in mid-stream. He looked like a lawn sprinkler.

Okay, guys.

These bids look excellent.

And how are you coming with those 3-D models?

Good. Yeah, we hired a computer guy, Lowell, he's great.

Yeah, yeah, nice having him around.

He smells better than any man

I've ever known.

Well, that's important, I suppose.

So let's talk about our meeting,

uh, this week with the investors. Mm-hmm.

It's critical you appear professional.

Ooh, I'll wear my tie that looks like a fish.

It's a crowd-pleaser and very realistic.

A seagull attacked me once.

That's how you know it's a good one.

All right. I think we said enough here.

Maybe too much.

Uh, Lisa, we'll let you get back to work.

Oh. Okay, take care.

Uh-huh. Adam, stick around for a second.

Oh?

Yep, you're done. Oh. Okay.

I don't want Don at the investors' meeting.

These people need to know their money is in serious hands,

and Don's a fish tie guy.

Oh, I'll tell him to wear a regular tie.

Plus, I think he might have relieved himself

in our parking garage last week.

I don't think it was him.

You don't have security cameras, do you?

You know...

he just doesn't fit in a corporate environment.

So, take care of this for me.

Okay.

You're the boss.

Hey, I know it's tough, but welcome to the big leagues.

Mm. I had to fire my mother on a Saturday,

then take her out to Easter brunch the next morning.

That was a... quiet meal.

What'd she do, wear a fish tie?

I'll, uh, I'll figure out a way to break it to Don.

Mm. Word of advice:

when I'm giving someone bad news,

I always use the direct approach.

I look them in the eye, put my hand on their shoulder,

and say, "Mom, you're fired."

You're right, it does get quiet after that.

¶ ¶

So? How'd the meeting with the developer go?

McCaffrey didn't know what hit her.

We blew that place up.

There's shrapnel all over her office.

What's he saying?

Is everything ruined?

No. No, it went fine.

Hey, what did Lisa want to talk to you about?

Well, um...

Okay, there's something I need to tell you.

Uh...

Lisa thinks that your fun personality

might be too much for the investors.

And she, uh,

she wants you to sit out the meeting.

Could you please not do that?

Well, I hope you told her to take a flying leap.

Don, we've given up

all our other work for this job.

Okay? Plus, she's the boss.

Well, she may be the boss, but I'm going to that meeting.

I'm gonna let her know exactly what I think of her.

Sorry, that was me again.

I'm too mad to work. I'm gonna sit in the truck

and listen to Johnny Cash and eat my feelings.

And Lowell's candies.

It's a meeting, and you're not invited.

Oh, man, I feel terrible.

Well, I'd offer you a butterscotch,

but he took them all.

I've got to figure out a way to calm him down.

He cannot go yell at Lisa.

She fired her own mother.

She'll have no problem firing us.

You know, when I was in marketing

and a client was upset,

we would send them a gift basket.

It made them feel appreciated.

A gift basket? They're doing some amazing stuff

with fruit these days.

No. Don hates fruit.

He says it's like eating a tree's baby.

And I'm not the one

who needs to make him feel appreciated, Lisa is.

Ooh. Wait, what about this:

I'll send Don a basket

and say it's from Lisa.

I see what you did.

You took a nice idea and added a lie to it.

Morning, Alicia.

I'm surprised to see you here.

Oh, I'm covering for Adam this week.

Oh, thank God.

I know, right?

And I just

wanted to thank you for

what a wonderful job you've done with Emme this year.

So here

is a cup of coffee,

and a muffin from your favorite bakery.

Oh.

And it doesn't have anything to do with

hoping you'll help get Emme into the good first grade class.

Coffee's a large, by the way.

Andi, are you trying to influence me with gifts?

I don't know, am I?

I think you are.

And I like it.

But honestly, a muffin?

Okay. I guess I'll just put it over here with all the others.

All right, so how do we get this done?

Huh? Nice bottle of wine, spa day?

I drop a $20 and walk away?

You know, if I was so overwhelmed

by the amazing job you did

with the kids' Spring Fling party this week--

I'm thinking Hawaiian luau--

I'd say we have a deal.

: A Hawaiian luau for a bunch of kids?

Oh, you're serious.

Um, yeah.

All right, yeah. I'm on it. Surf's up.

: Damn.

Yeah, I took your advice, what do you think?

Don's going to love it.

And he can repurpose this basket for so many things.

Picnics, an herb garden. He could put it

on the front of his bike and drive around

with a little dog in there.

Lowell, you want the basket after he's done?

If you could put a good word in, I'd appreciate it.

Hey, Lowell.

Backstabber.

What's this?

Oh, yeah, that came for you today.

We don't know who it's from.

Eh, someone knows, but not the two of us.

"Dear Don, between us,

"you're my favorite Burns brother.

Lisa."

Why would she send me this

if she doesn't want me at the meeting?

Great question. Lowell?

Me?

It's because she appreciates you.

I know what's going on here.

You do?

Mm-hmm. She's into me.

Look at this stuff: wine, chocolates.

All aphrodisiacs.

This woman wants to lay with me.

What's that, now?

Yeah, that's-that's why she doesn't want me at the meeting.

She's worried she can't control herself around me.

She's a hungry bear,

and I'm a pot of honey.

It wouldn't be right to yell at her now.

Yeah, you're-you're right. Yeah.

He's right, it wouldn't be right.

Yeah, I mean, uh, you can't yell at a woman in love.

That'd be mean.

And you're not mean, you're...

a, uh... you're a...

What is he, Lowell? Pot of honey.

You're a pot of honey. That's right, yeah.

Yeah, okay, so you skip the meeting, I'll handle that.

And everybody will live happily ever after.

Right?

You take the things in the basket,

I'll take the basket,

and it'll be like it never happened.

Thank you for volunteering to help me.

Rodriguez is out of her mind with this party.

Well, so just tell her it's too much.

Sounds like someone already got their daughter

into the good first grade class. Hmm?

I learned Spanish and picked her mother up from the airport.

Or aeropuerto.

Okay, well, I can't do that, so this party has to kick butt.

But, I mean, look at this list.

I mean, inflatable palm trees, grass skirts, virgin daiquiris?

Why don't I just resurrect Don Ho while I'm at it?

Don who?

Ho.

Don't get nasty.

: No.

Don Ho was a ukulele player from the '70s.

Oh. Yeah.

Sometimes I forget how much older you guys are than me.

I worded that incorrectly.

Mm-hmm.

Wait, so Lisa McCaffrey's coming on to Don?

My husband has that effect on women.

Every time he leaves the house,

it's like throwing a hunk of meat into an alligator pit.

I mean, some of this is my fault.

There I was, parading around her in my khaki Dockers

like a Chippendale.

I got an idea: let's stop talking about this,

and just build a mini-mall. Hmm?

Yeah. Well, hold on.

He can't act like nothing happened.

Don, you have to tell her

that she needs to keep her horny mitts off of you.

What? No, he doesn't.

Yeah, I'm with Marcy.

What? No, you're not. Ye-Yeah,

I mean, a woman doesn't write a guy a note like that

if she's not interested.

I mean, is-isn't she recently divorced?

No, no, no.

It's been, like, three months.

Yeah, and now she wants to bounce back with a married guy,

which is exactly how I'd play it.

Well, sounds like you put some thought into that.

Okay, everybody, just relax, all right?

She sent him a gift basket,

not her underwear and a motel key.

Nobody needs to talk to Lisa.

Well, I think he needs to say something to her.

Don't you agree, Andi?

No, she doesn't agree.

Don't talk for me.

I thought you loved that.

I think you know I don't.

If I were talking for you right now,

I would say you love that.

Marcy, I-I think you're right.

I should let Lisa know that this pot of honey

already has a mean, beautiful she-bear.

I'm gonna call her tomorrow.

What? No, I don't think you should do that at all.

I think you should just let it go.

Drop it, choke it, put it in a sack,

throw it in the river.

Nah, I'm gonna call her tomorrow.

Yeah, good boy.

Now, let's go home for your reward.

Ooh.

My she-bear's on the prowl.

You're a good husband, Don.

What are you doing?

What are you doing?

If he calls Lisa, the mini-mall project is dead.

Why?

Because she didn't seduce my brother.

I did!

So you sent Don a fancy gift basket? Right.

And for Mother's Day, you got me a Sausage McMuffin.

Can we stick to the problem at hand, huh?

Don is gonna call our boss

and break off a relationship

she doesn't know exists because it doesn't exist.

Okay? And when

that happens, the mini-mall is dead.

Well, then you need to do the right thing.

I agree.

What is that?

You have to keep lying.

Is this one of those times

where you say one thing, but you mean the opposite?

Huh? Like when you said

you'd never bring up the Mother's Day McMuffin again?

Look, right now, you need to protect

both Don and the mini-mall job.

It's time to double down, babe.

I like this side of you.

Okay. Here's how you handle it, all right?

You send Don another note from Lisa

and say, "We have to keep our feelings a secret

and never discuss them, not even with each other."

Ooh, that's clever.

Mm. Yeah-- wait.

Should I be worried about how good you are

at manipulating people?

What?

Honey, you're way too smart for that.

All this party stuff looks great.

Do they even have monkeys in Hawaii?

Well, I almost passed out blowing them up, so they do now.

We may have overdone it with the virgin daiquiris.

There's a ton left inside. Good.

Later, we'll mix in some rum and celebrate Emme

getting the good first grade teacher.

"Dear Don, we have to keep our feelings a secret

"and never discuss them, not even with each other.

"I know you may want to, but you shouldn't. Lisa.

P.S. Don't talk to me about this."

And I may be reading between the lines, but sounds to me--

this is just me--

it sounds like you shouldn't call her.

Well, no need to.

Right before you got in,

I sent her some flowers with a steamy note.

You sent her flowers?

Why would you do that?

Because I got to thinking.

Why would you do that?

We can't afford to screw up this mini-mall gig,

so I need to keep her on the hook.

It's a dance, Adam, and you're looking at Beyoncé.

No, I'm not!

Lowell?

You okay?

Hiya.

What's the matter with you?

I must've dozed off.

I had a few virgin daiquiris.

They made me happy.

Then dancy, then sleepy.

I've been every dwarf today.

Oh, my God.

There's alcohol in here.

That explains a lot.

How can that be?

I mean, t-the label says "virgin."

What?

Oh... it's Tropical Virgin brand daiquiri.

It's not tropical virgin daiquiri.

Okay, the kids are still at assembly.

I have 15 minutes before they get drunk and I get arrested.

Wait, Andi.

What?

On your way back, pick up some tacos.

Oh, my...

: Okay.

Good morning.

What are you doing?

I'm just wishing everyone good morning.

Yeah.

Okay, got to go.

I'm off to accounting, then HR.

What a bunch of stiffs they are.

Are those flowers for me?

Uh, no, no, different Lisa.

Oh, so, you're in my office with flowers

for a different person named Lisa?

Yes.

Lisa... Marie Presley.

Yeah.

I'm a big fan, yeah.

Is she in yet?

Okay, everyone, it's time to start

our Hawaiian luau.

Yay!

: No!

Is there alcohol in this?

Yes, but... the good news is:

none of the kids are driving, so...

So, because of you, fish tie guy

thinks I have the hots for him.

Do you have any idea how unprofessional all this is?

I have a sense.

Look, I was just trying

to keep the project on track

and protect my brother's feelings.

Well, turns out you can't do both.

Then you know what?

I get that this investor meeting's important,

but here's the deal:

either Don and I do it together or we don't do it at all.

And that's your bottom line?

Yep. I'll walk away.

Okay.

I'm walking.

Here I go.

Don't try to stop me.

You're barely moving. Well, I want you

to get a good look at what you're losing.

Did you say something?

Nope.

Okay, look, I know business is business,

but I have a family business.

My brother and I like each other.

Our brunches are very loud.

Well, I do appreciate your loyalty.

My therapist says it's good for me to be around people

who experience real human emotions.

Had to have a therapist tell you that, huh?

Well, things have been quiet at my house

since my mom moved out.

Yeah, I didn't just fire her, I also evicted her.

Ouch.

Tell you what:

because you guys are the best in the business,

if we never

have to talk about this

ever again, we're good.

And Don can come to the meeting.

Thank you.

And don't worry, this is definitely over.

Look, baby,

we got to call this thing off.

What are you doing here?

Well, I'm just hanging. This is my hang now.

Look, I tried to play this game,

but I'm a one-woman man.

Fact is, I'm not Beyoncé.

I'm Adele.

I rock the house, but I don't dance.

Okay, you know what, I've had enough.

This is getting ridiculous.

Don...

Did you say Don or Mom?

Don...

I want you real bad.

But I can't have you, so please leave.

Listen, you're a special lady.

If something should happen to my wife,

I'll put you on the list.

Okay,

good-bye.

Playing the mom card was cold.

You're a good businessman.

But don't let it happen again.

You already have two strikes.

Two strikes?

We have security cameras

in the parking garage.

So I'm guessing Emme's not getting

the good first grade teacher?

No, she's in.

All I had to do was promise that neither of us

would be room parent next year.

You got us banned from being room parents?

Mm-hmm.

I have never been more in love with you.

Mm.

Will you grab that?

Mm-hmm.

What's this?

I don't know. Read the card.

Okay.

"Thanks for your help this week.

I'm the luckiest guy in the world. Love, Adam."

Aw.

It's a Sausage McMuffin.

You get it? That's our thing now.

It is kind of cute.

And yum.

Wow, that smells good.

I should've sent two of those.

You're gonna have to fight me for it.

Well, you better start running.

No, no! Give me that muffin!

Yeah.

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