All language subtitles for Man.with.a.Plan.S01E17.1080p.WEB-DL.DD5.1.H.264-NTb_track3_eng

Thanks for cooking, Ma.

I haven't had a real
home-cooked meal in...

one day.

God, you're pretty.

Oh, you're lucky
you're pretty, too.

Oh, I've missed
nights like this.

Everybody I love
under the same roof.

Well, my wife couldn't make it,
so not everyone.

I knew what I was saying.

You guys got to come see
what the girls did to Grandpa.

It's awesome.

I bet it's not as awesome
as your mother's coffee.

I made that.

It's bitter. I don't...

We turned him
into a princess.

He's all over my
Instagram now.

You're about
to break the Internet.

Good. I hate the Internet.

Princess Cranky, the grumpiest
princess in all the land.

You're such a pushover when
it comes to these kids, Joe.

Well, I can't say no
to these sweet faces.

Ah, well,
when you live with them,

that wears off pretty quick.

Okay, guys,
up to bed.

Good night, Grandpa.
Good night, Grandpa.

Good night.
Night. Night.

Love you.
Night. Oh.

Ooh, this damn shoulder's
barking at me again.

You got a couple of pain pills?

Did you check
your purse?

Relax, Princess. I'll get
you some from the kitchen.

I worry about your dad.

He's been taking
way too many pills lately.

Well, if they're mood enhancers,
they've met their match.

What does his doctor
say about all this?

Oh, he hasn't been
to the doctor since...

Well, it was the morning
after Obama first won.

His blood pressure
shot through the roof.

Ma, that's almost
ten years ago.

You got to get him to go.

I've tried, but he is
so stuck in his ways.

About everything.

Bought him a cordless phone.

He still stands
right next to the base.

Makes me furious.

Well, somebody
should talk to him.

Any volunteers?

Fine, I'll do it.

Oh, thank you, honey.
Mm-hmm.

No, no, no. No.

Let's go upstairs and
pretend like we don't know

what's happening.
Come on.

I learn something new
from you every day.

Dad, you got to
go to the doctor.

If you don't
get a check-up,

how will you know if
something's wrong with you?

I'd rather not know.

Smile, smile, smile, dead.

That's how I want
to punch my ticket.

Okay.

Okay, when did you ever smile?

He smiles at me
all the time.

Yeah, see? Why can't you be
more like your brother?

He's always on my side,
right, Donny?

Ah, you got it, Pops.

He's not on your side,
he's just a big yes man.

Everybody's a yes man
when you're always right.

All right, all right,
so let me get this straight.

You two jokers have decided
you don't need doctors.

I got through the Vietnam War
on aspirin and Bengay.

That's not true.

You weren't there.

You weren't there!

Adam, let me talk to you
for a minute in the kitchen.

Come on.

What?

I just brought you in here
so Dad could leave.

What?

Dad!

Thanks for letting me
borrow your car.

¶ ¶

All right, Mom and Dad'll
be here any minute.

Dad's been avoiding
me all week about

going to the
doctor, but I know

he can't resist brunch.

That man would walk into a hail
of bullets for a plate of bacon.

Yeah. I turned
the exhaust fan on high

so the smell wafts outside.

He's gonna float in here
like a cartoon bear.

You guys might get along better
if you stop nagging the old man.

Hey, I'd much rather
be the fun son, like you,

but someone has to step up
and deal with things.

And that kind of attitude is why
he doesn't invite you

to go mall walking with us.

You guys go mall walking
together?

Yeah. We got matching
sweat suits. It's adorable.

I'd mall walk
if someone asked me.

Three guys
in matching sweat suits?

That's a boy band, Adam.

Honey, I'll go mall
walking with you.

Not you.

Hey.
Morning.

Hey, Ma.

Where's Dad?

He won't come. He doesn't want

to hear it about the doctor.

But Lowell was nice enough

to give me a ride.

He told me
if I ever needed anything,

I should call him.

I didn't think
she'd really call.

Oh, she calls.

Oh.
I love him.

It's like having a house boy.

Lowell, you do not want
to start driving her around.

All right? She's got
a million places to go,

and they all suck.

I can't tell her no;
she's too nice.

Listen, when I first
married Adam,

I got roped into
driving her everywhere.

And the only way I got out of it

was by going into labor
with Kate

in the middle of a yarn shop.

And before Andi,
I used to drive her.

That's when I learned
a little trick called

"pretending to fall asleep."

I got it from
watching the possums

on The Animal Channel.

Who wouldn't
mind driving me

to the outlets
on Saturday?

I can't believe
Dad wouldn't come.

He is so stubborn.

Oh, the both of you
are stubborn.

Hey, don't say I'm like Dad.

You know I hate that.

I wasn't going to.

I was just going to look
at Andi knowingly.

Mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm.

Okay, so nobody's
gonna do anything?

Mm-mm.
Mm-mm.

Fine.

I'll go over there
and talk to Dad--

who I'm nothing like...

...and be the bad guy
like I always am.

Bacon's not my only weapon.

I got one more way
to turn up the heat.

Good luck. He already
keeps the heat on 82.

You should see how I sweat
through my nightgown.

Ma, no.

Dad, I know you're home.
I heard you yelling at the news.

Hey. Would you stop
banging on my house?

I'm trying to get my dad
to come out here.

Wait, you're the landlord.
Can you unlock his door for me?

Nah, I like him more than you.

You like him?

He calls you
Mrs. Chiquita Banana.

Yeah, and I call him
Colonel Sanders.

We have a thing, we're fun.

What's with all
the yapping, Charo?

Dad, just get
in the car.

I don't have to do what you say.

Fine, I can stand
out here all day.

Eh, not on my front
porch, you can't.

All right, you old drumstick,

get your Kentucky Fried butt
in the car.
Okay.

Okay, settle down. I'm going.

You want to learn
how to be a man?

Watch her.

Wow.

He got us both in one shot.
He's good.

Mm.

Grandpa,
please go to the doctor.

Yeah, Grandpa.

If you're gone,
who's gonna ask me

to pull their finger
every morning?

Grandma?

No, that's a grandpa's job.

He's teetering.

Yep. And now the little one
for the win.

Please go to the
doctor, Grandpa.

I love you so much.

Oh, kids,
I can't say no to you.

So why don't you leave the room
so I can say no to your dad.

Come on!

Everybody
in this room

goes to the doctor once a year.

Okay, it's what
normal humans do.

What is your problem?

Look, I had this friend, Barney,
from the VFW.

His wife was named Libby.

I always found that strange.

Libby. What's that short for?

Elibabeth?

Can I talk here?

Anyway, it had been a while,

and Barney went in
'cause he had a cough.

When he came out
of that doctor's office,

his cough was gone.

Because he was dead.

Poor Elibabeth.

Now she's a wibow.

Don't do what he does.

Let's go, Donny.

I'm with you, Dad,
just like on our mall walks

that Adam is not invited to.

Yeah, did you know
they go mall walking together?

I never should have said
anything to Adam.

Now they're just in a big fight.

Bev, this is
going nowhere.

Oh, they're throwing handfuls
of snow at each other.

Oh, well, that's nice.
I like to see my boys playing.

Here's what we'll do:
I will call Adam's doctor

and make Joe an appointment,

and then you will annoy him
until he goes.

I can do annoying.

Hi, um, I'd like
to make an appointment

with Dr. Phillips, please.

What?

Oh. Uh...

No, that's okay.
I'll call back.

Okay, bye-bye.
What happened?

Dr. Phillips retired
five years ago.

But Adam said
he sees him every year,

which means someone's a liar.

Why would Dr. Phillips lie
about his retirement?

Oh, that's right,
you're Don's mom, too.

Listen, you can't make me do
what I don't want to do.

So why don't you go
back in the kitchen

with the rest
of the jibbedas.

What's a jibbeda?

You know,
jibbeda, jibbeda, jibbeda.

Adam?

Look, I was thinking,

maybe your dad would feel better
if you told him

how your last physical went.

Huh? Wh-When was that again?

Uh, I don't know,
I saw Dr. Phillips,

like, six months ago.

Checked my heart,

my blood pressure,

gave me the one-handed juggle.

That's interesting because

Dr. Phillips retired
five years ago.

Yeah.

I just called his office.
Busted.

No, no, not busted.

I still go to his office,
but I see a different doctor.

Oh, really? What's his name?

Dr. Pepper.

Literally any other name
would've worked.

Adam, why haven't you been
going to the doctor?

Get him, Bev.

How can you say that to me
and not Dad?

Because I live with him and
he controls the thermostat.

God.

A person can only buy
so many nightgowns.

Okay, look, last time I went,

they wanted to run
all these extra tests,

and I had to sweat
the results out for a week

before they came back normal.

It scared the crap out of me.

So you lied
and stopped going?

Hey, you have secrets, too,
upstairs candy drawer.

That is not mine, that
was here when we moved in.

Dad, you're a doctor-hater,
back me up on this.

Adam, you are being a moron
for ignoring your health.

What?!

From you? Seriously?

Well, this is different.

You have young kids,
a beautiful wife.

You have a reason to live.

I heard that one, Joe.

God, you're pretty.

Very funny.

The point is,
we all want you to go.

Okay, okay, I'll go.

But on one condition:

You're going, too.

So you won't go unless I go?

That's right.

Just like when
you potty-trained him.

Fine.

Ha-ha!

You're going, too, Don.

These gowns are ridiculous.

Well, at least
your gown fits.

I'm flapping in the
breeze down here.

That's because they don't have
the Jolly Green Giant size.

Speaking of that...
¶ Ho, ho, ho ¶

Legs together.

You know, we could be home
watching the game right now,

but, no, you had to go and
make a big stink about this.

Hey, I'm just trying
to be a good son.

I mean,
look at this one.

He keeps licking
tongue depressors

and putting them back.

I got to be better than him.

Well, all I know is
I've had enough already.

And no way in hell you're
getting me through that door.

Good morning, gentlemen.

I'm Dr. Knox.

I'll be doing your
check-ups today.

So, who's up first?

That'd me be.

Let's get this party started.

Here we go.
Thank you.

Well, it's a good thing
I threw on some pants,

'cause I really thought
this house was empty.

Oh. Hi, honey.

I just wanted to be
here when the boys

came home from
the doctor.

And Lowell was nice enough
to give me another ride.

We got up so early,
we already stopped

at the farmer's market.

We helped
the farmers set up.

I found a potato
that looks like Elvis.

Oh.
Lowell said he'd glue
some sideburns on.

I did.
I did say that.

I don't know why.

You know, Bev,

Lowell has a family
and-and responsibilities.

He-he can't keep
giving you rides everywhere.

Oh.

I'm so sorry, dear.

I just wasn't thinking.

You don't have to
take me to the outlets.

Oh, Andi, you can take me.

No. No. What...

What just happened?

I'm free.
Lowell?

Get back here!
No, you got to help me.

No chance, sister. One of us
has to live to tell this story.

You...
Hey, Lowell.

Out of my way!
Whoa.

Hey, boys,

did you get a clean bill
of health?

Yeah, yeah, we're all good.

But this lucky guy

won himself a date
with a colonoscopy.

These prep instructions
read like a war movie,

and my rear end's
Omaha Beach.

This is all your fault.

Hey, I was just
looking out for you.

Well, I don't need it. Why don't
you just mind your own business?

Because you are
my business.

You know, I took the day
off of work to make sure

you stay healthy
and live a long time.

Jibbeda, jibbeda, jibbeda.

And you wonder why I'd rather
hang out with your brother?

Wow.

You know, I haven't been
a dad as long as you,

but I'm pretty sure you're
not supposed to say that.

Oh.

You and your new rules.

In the old days, you could
hurt anybody's feelings.

Okay, I can't even
talk to him anymore.

Well, I can't talk
to you either!
Ah!

Joe, I think
you're overreacting.

Yeah, I mean, they do these
colonoscopy things all the time.

You know, they scare you
with the thought of

aliens probing your butt,

but it's your own people
you have to worry about.

Aw, Oreos and milk?

That's your sad snack.

I'm not even
pulling them apart

and having fun with them.
Aw.

You know,

I'm just trying
to help my dad.

Would it kill him
to say "thank you"?

Oh, honey, I think it might.

Yeah.

I'm not asking for much,
just a little,

"Adam, I see that
you look out for me

"and I appreciate that,
because your older brother

is a narcoleptic ape."

Look, he appreciates you.

He's just not the kind of guy
that lets it out,

but it's in there,
deep, deep down in there.

Maybe they'll find it
during the probe.

Look, hon, it's always been
this way with you guys.

He doesn't like
to talk about feelings,

you don't like to
talk about feelings.

You're both incredibly stubborn.

In fact, you could say

that the both of you
are almost exact...

Yeah, whoa, whoa, whoa!

Don't say it.

We agreed many years ago
you can't say that.

I mean, what if I were to say
that you and your mother are...

Hey, whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa!
Hey, hey, hey, hey.

Let's just put the pins
back in these grenades

and walk away.

So your dad's colonoscopy
went very well.

Oh, good. Good news.

I have seen that man eat
his whole life,

and I just want to say
I'm very sorry

for what you had
to go through today.

Uh, just to warn you,

he's probably going to be
a little loopy

from the anesthesia.

He might say some things
he wouldn't normally say.

What, like what
he's really feeling?

If he's feeling it,
you'll hear it.

Sometimes it's beautiful.

Most of the time, it's creepy.

Hey, Dr. Foxy.

Dad, it's Dr. Knox.

That's what I said,
Dr. Knockers.

So how you feeling?

Jazzy, like a jazz man.

Okay.

Okay. Yeah.

You know, when they
were putting me under,

I got worried
I'd never wake up.

And then I'd never see
the people I love again.

Your mother,
your brother, Andi...

...those kids...

Yeah, and?

Tony.

Tony?

Yeah, Tony.
I met him on the way in.

I love that guy.

Ah, I just need a signature
on these release papers.

Oh, he's just getting dressed;
he'll be out in a minute.

Uh, actually, these are for you.
He put you down as his proxy.

He did?
Before he went in,

he kept saying, "Make sure
Adam takes care of everything.

He's the only one I trust."

He actually said that?

B-Before the drugs?

Yeah.

Well...

on to the next butt.

Ah.

Hey, Dad.

What are you grinning at?

Nothing.

Come on, everyone's home,
waiting to see you.

I just had a damn
movie camera up my ass.

I'm moving
as fast as I can.

Well, if we time it right,
we can finish our mall walk

right when Cinnabon opens.

Hey, guys.

What are you
doing here?

Just heading down
to the mall for a walk.

Are you guys going
to the mall, too?

That's lucky.

No, no, no, no, no,
this is our thing.

Your thing is fighting,
our thing is friends.

I'm going. Mom said I could.

And you know what
I have in my pocket?

Three gift cards for Cinnabon.

All right, let him in.

And you know what I have
in my other pocket?

Another gift card for suck it.

Hey, Dad, wait up!

Yeah, Bev, we want you to
be able to get around

without depending
on, well, me.

Um, and we found
a solution.

It's a driving
service called Uber.

Uber?

Sounds German.
I don't like it.

No, it's an app
on your phone.

You press a button and a
nice driver comes to you.

How do they know
where I am?

I don't want the damn
Germans knowing where we are!

World War Three breaks out,
I'm on the list!

He's right.

And something's coming.

Things have been too
good for too long.

Okay, look, there's not
gonna be-- you don't have--

look, even if
that happens,

I'm pretty sure you're
way down on the list.

On the list
is on the list.

I am nothing
like him.

Of course not.
Not at all.

Mm...
Mm...

Oh, jibbeda,
jibbeda, jibbeda.

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