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1
00:00:01,502 --> 00:00:04,169
I cannot believe the kids are
still asleep on a Sunday.
2
00:00:04,171 --> 00:00:06,038
I know, this is nice.
3
00:00:06,040 --> 00:00:07,706
Just the two of us.
4
00:00:07,708 --> 00:00:08,741
Hmm.
5
00:00:08,743 --> 00:00:09,675
It's romantic, even.
6
00:00:12,046 --> 00:00:13,312
What's that?
7
00:00:14,582 --> 00:00:16,215
My hand-- too early?
8
00:00:16,217 --> 00:00:19,218
No, no, that's your parents' RV.
9
00:00:19,220 --> 00:00:20,653
What?
10
00:00:20,654 --> 00:00:22,087
I thought they were driving
around the country,
11
00:00:22,089 --> 00:00:24,056
going 40 in the fast lane
and wearing
12
00:00:24,058 --> 00:00:26,058
giant sunglasses
over their regular glasses.
13
00:00:26,060 --> 00:00:29,161
Well, my mom called me
from Santa Fe last week.
14
00:00:29,163 --> 00:00:32,731
All she talked about was buying
salsa from a nice Mexican lady.
15
00:00:32,733 --> 00:00:35,134
Why do they always have
to mention the ethnicity
16
00:00:35,136 --> 00:00:36,335
of the people in their stories?
17
00:00:36,337 --> 00:00:38,103
Because they're
old white people.
18
00:00:39,206 --> 00:00:41,774
That's what they do.
19
00:00:41,776 --> 00:00:43,442
Oh, man, that's what I just did.
20
00:00:43,444 --> 00:00:46,378
Oh, wait. Whoa, whoa,
where are you going?
21
00:00:46,380 --> 00:00:49,048
To welcome them.
:
Oh, oh, wait. Oh, oh.
22
00:00:49,050 --> 00:00:51,216
Before you go out there,
I should probably mention
23
00:00:51,218 --> 00:00:53,352
that I never told them
about you going back to work
24
00:00:53,354 --> 00:00:54,753
and me watching the kids.
25
00:00:54,755 --> 00:00:56,755
What? Well, why not?
26
00:00:56,757 --> 00:00:59,224
I knew if I told them, I would
never hear the end of it.
27
00:00:59,226 --> 00:01:01,193
Plus, I thought maybe
by the time they got back,
28
00:01:01,195 --> 00:01:02,494
this whole thing with you
going back to work
29
00:01:02,496 --> 00:01:04,163
would've blown over.
30
00:01:04,165 --> 00:01:05,264
My dreams and aspirations
31
00:01:05,266 --> 00:01:07,132
would've just blown over?
32
00:01:07,134 --> 00:01:09,201
Yeah, things blow over.
33
00:01:09,203 --> 00:01:11,336
Like the way you're
feeling right now.
34
00:01:11,338 --> 00:01:12,838
Blow it over!
35
00:01:14,275 --> 00:01:16,308
Oh, there they are!
Mom, Dad,
36
00:01:16,310 --> 00:01:17,810
what a surprise.
Hi, Joe.
37
00:01:17,812 --> 00:01:19,211
Ah!
38
00:01:19,213 --> 00:01:20,679
Mmm. Good to see you.
39
00:01:20,681 --> 00:01:22,214
Ooh! Ooh!
Oh.
40
00:01:22,216 --> 00:01:24,083
Look at you.
41
00:01:24,085 --> 00:01:25,818
Hi, Bev.
42
00:01:25,820 --> 00:01:29,254
Oh, come on. You don't kiss
an Italian mama on the cheek.
43
00:01:29,256 --> 00:01:31,190
The lips-- we want the lips.
Oh, okay.
44
00:01:31,192 --> 00:01:33,125
Ah, look at your wife.
45
00:01:33,127 --> 00:01:35,160
She gets prettier every
day, like that actress.
46
00:01:35,162 --> 00:01:37,196
Bev, what's her name?
From the movies.
47
00:01:37,198 --> 00:01:39,298
Catherine Zeta Jones.
No, the one with teeth.
48
00:01:39,300 --> 00:01:41,200
They all have teeth.
49
00:01:41,202 --> 00:01:43,102
Uh, Julia Roberts!
50
00:01:43,104 --> 00:01:44,570
You look just like
Julia Roberts.
51
00:01:44,572 --> 00:01:47,339
Oh, come on.
52
00:01:47,341 --> 00:01:49,475
You know, maybe a little.
53
00:01:49,477 --> 00:01:51,410
And you.
54
00:01:51,412 --> 00:01:53,479
Well, you're doing
the best you can.
55
00:01:53,481 --> 00:01:57,116
But you really punched
above your weight with this one.
56
00:01:57,118 --> 00:01:59,485
So, uh, what are you guys
doing back in Pittsburgh?
57
00:01:59,487 --> 00:02:01,220
It's just a pit stop
on our way
58
00:02:01,222 --> 00:02:03,122
to see the world's
largest Hershey bar.
59
00:02:03,124 --> 00:02:05,257
It's as big as a table.
60
00:02:05,259 --> 00:02:07,259
A small table.
Yeah.
61
00:02:07,261 --> 00:02:11,263
Or a large book, but we still
want to see it for some reason.
62
00:02:11,265 --> 00:02:12,764
Oh, and Dad's back
needed a rest.
63
00:02:12,766 --> 00:02:15,267
Those roads are
full of potholes.
Yeah.
64
00:02:15,269 --> 00:02:18,470
Thanks, Obama.
65
00:02:18,472 --> 00:02:21,206
Oh, by the way, your mailbox
jumped out in front of me
66
00:02:21,208 --> 00:02:22,541
on the way in.
It didn't make it.
67
00:02:27,481 --> 00:02:29,181
Did you bring us any presents?
68
00:02:29,183 --> 00:02:31,283
Of course we did.
You got the bag, Bev.
69
00:02:31,285 --> 00:02:33,285
Ooh, let's see.
70
00:02:33,287 --> 00:02:36,522
For Teddy, take a look at this.
71
00:02:36,524 --> 00:02:38,223
Oh, I had
72
00:02:38,225 --> 00:02:40,359
one of those, Teddy.
It's a switchblade comb.
73
00:02:41,362 --> 00:02:44,763
Or just a switchblade.
74
00:02:44,765 --> 00:02:46,665
Wow! Thanks!
75
00:02:46,667 --> 00:02:47,833
Wow!
76
00:02:47,835 --> 00:02:49,168
Thanks!
77
00:02:49,170 --> 00:02:51,170
Yeah, a knife for my son
78
00:02:51,172 --> 00:02:54,239
who cut himself
on a Hula-Hoop.
79
00:02:54,241 --> 00:02:58,277
And, Kate, how about
some genuine Kentucky fireworks?
80
00:03:01,215 --> 00:03:02,781
Whoa, these are bottle rockets!
Mm.
81
00:03:02,783 --> 00:03:05,350
It's about to get real, Teddy.
82
00:03:05,352 --> 00:03:07,519
We haven't forgotten
about you, Peanut.
83
00:03:07,521 --> 00:03:09,288
Oh!
Bring him out, Bev.
84
00:03:09,290 --> 00:03:10,689
Him?
85
00:03:10,691 --> 00:03:12,224
Mm-hmm.
86
00:03:12,226 --> 00:03:13,792
A turtle. Yay!
87
00:03:13,794 --> 00:03:15,394
Yeah, that's
an endangered tortoise
88
00:03:15,396 --> 00:03:17,229
we found on the side
of the road.
89
00:03:17,231 --> 00:03:20,232
It was hard to get that little
electronic tag off it,
90
00:03:20,234 --> 00:03:22,668
but luckily, we had
Teddy's switchblade.
91
00:03:24,371 --> 00:03:25,737
Okay, why don't you
guys run upstairs,
92
00:03:25,739 --> 00:03:27,339
and Mommy and I will
93
00:03:27,341 --> 00:03:29,441
donate these
to needy criminal children.
94
00:03:29,443 --> 00:03:31,310
Your parents are
a couple of squares!
95
00:03:32,880 --> 00:03:35,280
Mom! Dad!
96
00:03:35,282 --> 00:03:38,250
Oh, who is
this handsome guy?
97
00:03:38,252 --> 00:03:40,452
Is it Tom Selleck or my son?
98
00:03:40,454 --> 00:03:42,387
It's me! It's Don!
99
00:03:43,624 --> 00:03:45,290
Tom Selleck?
100
00:03:45,292 --> 00:03:47,626
I've eaten Cheetos that
look more like Tom Selleck.
101
00:03:47,628 --> 00:03:49,261
They think I look
like Julia Roberts.
102
00:03:50,631 --> 00:03:53,599
Joe, Bev, so great
that you're back!
103
00:03:53,601 --> 00:03:55,367
Oh, well, don't worry.
104
00:03:55,369 --> 00:03:56,468
We won't be expecting
to stay at your house.
105
00:03:56,470 --> 00:03:57,836
We know you like
your privacy.
106
00:03:57,838 --> 00:04:00,472
Oh, Bev,
that was almost 20 years ago.
107
00:04:00,474 --> 00:04:02,341
Was it? Wow.
108
00:04:02,343 --> 00:04:04,243
Seems like yesterday.
109
00:04:04,245 --> 00:04:06,912
Joe, do you remember when
Marcy put us up in a hotel
110
00:04:06,914 --> 00:04:08,747
instead of letting
us stay with them?
111
00:04:08,749 --> 00:04:10,315
Like it was yesterday.
See?
112
00:04:11,418 --> 00:04:12,584
So how's the road trip going?
113
00:04:12,586 --> 00:04:14,353
Have a seat.
Oh.
114
00:04:14,355 --> 00:04:15,988
Culturally speaking, it's
been quite an education.
115
00:04:15,990 --> 00:04:17,389
Yeah.
116
00:04:17,391 --> 00:04:18,890
We have seen some things.
Oh.
117
00:04:18,892 --> 00:04:22,427
We stopped
at a gas station in Arizona.
118
00:04:22,429 --> 00:04:24,930
They got five different
flavors of jerky.
Hmm.
119
00:04:24,932 --> 00:04:27,399
You just don't see that
on the East Coast.
No.
120
00:04:27,401 --> 00:04:28,867
No. They even had teriyaki.
121
00:04:28,869 --> 00:04:30,869
Very exotic.
Yeah.
122
00:04:30,871 --> 00:04:34,373
You know, all jerky's made
in China now, right?
123
00:04:34,375 --> 00:04:36,708
Uh, no, I wasn't aware of that.
Mm-hmm.
124
00:04:36,710 --> 00:04:38,310
Yeah, they're just
rubbing it in our faces
125
00:04:38,312 --> 00:04:41,513
with this teriyaki stuff.
126
00:04:41,515 --> 00:04:43,282
So, what's new
around here?
127
00:04:43,284 --> 00:04:44,516
Oh, well, um,
Adam's got some
128
00:04:44,518 --> 00:04:46,618
fun news to tell you about,
right, honey?
129
00:04:46,620 --> 00:04:47,619
No, I don't.
Yes, you do.
130
00:04:47,621 --> 00:04:49,288
Yes, you do.
No, I don't.
131
00:04:49,290 --> 00:04:50,422
No, I don't. No, I don't.
Yes, you do.
132
00:04:50,424 --> 00:04:52,291
I will keep going.
Oh. Fine.
133
00:04:53,594 --> 00:04:56,695
Uh, yeah, uh, Andi has gone
back to work at the lab,
134
00:04:56,697 --> 00:04:59,631
so I'm taking care of the
kids after school and stuff.
135
00:04:59,633 --> 00:05:01,300
You're taking care
of the kids?
136
00:05:01,302 --> 00:05:02,601
Like a nanny?
137
00:05:03,837 --> 00:05:05,871
No, like a father.
138
00:05:05,873 --> 00:05:07,306
If the father's a nanny.
139
00:05:08,709 --> 00:05:11,376
You got the looks
and the funny.
140
00:05:11,378 --> 00:05:12,811
Well, why shouldn't
141
00:05:12,813 --> 00:05:15,380
the man watch the kids
and the woman work?
142
00:05:15,382 --> 00:05:17,849
I mean, I'm a woman,
and I'm many things.
143
00:05:17,851 --> 00:05:20,852
A wife, a mother,
a tender lover.
144
00:05:20,854 --> 00:05:22,521
No. No. No, no. No.
145
00:05:22,523 --> 00:05:26,024
I think what you two are doing
is very modern.
146
00:05:26,026 --> 00:05:28,994
Andi, I'm proud of you.
147
00:05:28,996 --> 00:05:30,362
Oh. Thanks, Bev.
148
00:05:30,364 --> 00:05:31,530
You're like a daughter to me.
149
00:05:31,532 --> 00:05:32,431
Oh.
150
00:05:32,433 --> 00:05:34,733
My one daughter.
151
00:05:34,735 --> 00:05:36,802
Come on, Bev.
You've got two daughters.
152
00:05:36,804 --> 00:05:38,036
Thank you, Joe.
153
00:05:38,038 --> 00:05:40,405
I meant Adam now that
he's watching the kids.
154
00:05:42,343 --> 00:05:44,443
You see what happens
when I tell him stuff, huh?!
155
00:05:44,445 --> 00:05:47,512
Okay, honey, relax, okay?
156
00:05:47,514 --> 00:05:49,348
I mean, in a few days, they'll
be off to see the world's
157
00:05:49,350 --> 00:05:51,416
slightly-larger-than-average
chocolate bar.
158
00:05:51,418 --> 00:05:52,651
It'll be...
159
00:05:52,653 --> 00:05:55,354
Uh, we were talking.
We're thinking we might
160
00:05:55,356 --> 00:05:56,855
stop our road trip.
161
00:05:56,857 --> 00:05:59,358
Uh-oh.
162
00:05:59,360 --> 00:06:01,493
To stay and help
with the kids.
163
00:06:01,495 --> 00:06:04,529
Yeah. We just want you
to have your dignity back.
164
00:06:04,531 --> 00:06:06,431
But you guys sold your house.
165
00:06:06,433 --> 00:06:08,100
You don't have
any place to live.
166
00:06:08,102 --> 00:06:09,601
We've got the RV.
167
00:06:09,603 --> 00:06:12,571
We can live right
in your driveway!
168
00:06:12,573 --> 00:06:14,906
Our driveway!
169
00:06:14,908 --> 00:06:18,677
Andi, they want
to live in our driveway.
170
00:06:18,679 --> 00:06:20,812
I heard them.
171
00:06:20,814 --> 00:06:22,447
Yeah, we just have
to work out a few kinks
172
00:06:22,449 --> 00:06:24,983
with the septic runoff,
and we'll be good to go.
173
00:06:28,088 --> 00:06:30,555
¶ ¶
174
00:06:41,869 --> 00:06:43,535
Oh, Ma, this cannoli's great.
175
00:06:43,537 --> 00:06:45,871
You keep feeding me like this,
I'm gonna get fat.
176
00:06:45,873 --> 00:06:48,106
Oh, not you.
You're skin and bone.
177
00:06:48,108 --> 00:06:50,942
Oh. You're a good mother.
178
00:06:50,944 --> 00:06:52,778
Now, what's different?
179
00:06:52,780 --> 00:06:54,980
I had to use different lard.
180
00:06:54,982 --> 00:06:57,949
The company I liked
went out of business.
181
00:06:57,951 --> 00:07:01,086
Thanks, Obama.
182
00:07:01,088 --> 00:07:03,021
Dad, he's not even president
anymore.
183
00:07:03,023 --> 00:07:04,689
He knows what he did.
184
00:07:05,726 --> 00:07:07,626
So,
185
00:07:07,628 --> 00:07:09,528
have you two thought
about our offer?
186
00:07:10,731 --> 00:07:12,030
Uh...
187
00:07:12,032 --> 00:07:13,632
Oh, you know what?
188
00:07:13,634 --> 00:07:15,534
We don't want to take
advantage of you.
189
00:07:15,536 --> 00:07:17,102
I mean, what about
the rest of your trip?
190
00:07:17,104 --> 00:07:19,638
Seeing the country after
Joe retired was your dream.
191
00:07:19,640 --> 00:07:22,007
Five months in that box
on wheels is plenty.
192
00:07:23,577 --> 00:07:24,843
The shower is so small,
193
00:07:24,845 --> 00:07:27,479
you can't even wash
both sides of you.
194
00:07:27,481 --> 00:07:29,881
You got to pick one--
the front or the back.
195
00:07:29,883 --> 00:07:31,650
It's a real Sophie's Choice.
196
00:07:32,786 --> 00:07:34,586
Yeah, but you guys
got better things
197
00:07:34,588 --> 00:07:35,754
to do than hang
around here.
198
00:07:35,756 --> 00:07:36,922
You should be out
with your friends,
199
00:07:36,924 --> 00:07:38,490
talking about the good old days
200
00:07:38,492 --> 00:07:40,625
before the wheel was invented.
201
00:07:40,627 --> 00:07:42,794
Hmm. Our friends
are either dead,
202
00:07:42,796 --> 00:07:44,963
or living in one
of those old folks homes.
203
00:07:44,965 --> 00:07:47,599
We visited a few
on our swing through Florida.
204
00:07:47,601 --> 00:07:50,602
Yeah, it's where you go to die.
205
00:07:50,604 --> 00:07:54,906
One place we went-- they sold
caskets right in the lobby.
206
00:07:54,908 --> 00:07:56,641
Honey, I think
those were planters.
207
00:07:56,643 --> 00:07:58,009
People planters!
208
00:07:59,780 --> 00:08:00,979
I liked that place.
209
00:08:00,981 --> 00:08:02,614
One night in the dining hall,
210
00:08:02,616 --> 00:08:05,517
I watched this Cuban man
eat a baked potato.
211
00:08:05,519 --> 00:08:08,887
It was just fascinating.
212
00:08:08,889 --> 00:08:12,123
Ma, why do you have
to say the guy was Cuban?
213
00:08:12,125 --> 00:08:14,493
He was Cuban.
It makes a good story.
214
00:08:14,495 --> 00:08:17,162
I mean, if I just say
a man's eating a potato,
215
00:08:17,164 --> 00:08:18,964
I got nothing, snoozefest.
216
00:08:18,966 --> 00:08:21,032
So what do you say?
217
00:08:21,034 --> 00:08:23,802
Are we living
in your driveway or not?
218
00:08:26,139 --> 00:08:29,641
Uh...
219
00:08:31,879 --> 00:08:34,546
Yes, great. Please stay.
220
00:08:34,548 --> 00:08:35,947
Oh, great! Hooray.
221
00:08:35,949 --> 00:08:37,849
Oh, it's gonna be wonderful!
Oh, yes.
222
00:08:37,851 --> 00:08:40,952
Adam and I are gonna be talking
about how wonderful this is
223
00:08:40,954 --> 00:08:42,521
long, long into the night.
224
00:08:44,191 --> 00:08:47,792
"Yes, great.
Please stay."
225
00:08:47,794 --> 00:08:50,161
What was I supposed to say,
honey? They're my parents.
226
00:08:50,163 --> 00:08:53,765
And, you know, this could
actually be really great timing.
227
00:08:53,767 --> 00:08:55,000
Don and I have
that mini mall job.
228
00:08:55,002 --> 00:08:57,569
We're a lot busier.
I could use the help.
229
00:08:57,571 --> 00:08:59,237
Honey, you know
I love your parents,
230
00:08:59,239 --> 00:09:02,707
but they're just not the moral
compass I want for our kids.
231
00:09:02,709 --> 00:09:05,944
I mean, those cannolis
were not Obama's fault.
232
00:09:05,946 --> 00:09:09,648
Well, that stuff goes
right over the kids' heads.
233
00:09:09,650 --> 00:09:11,650
Okay, can we at least
give it a trial run?
234
00:09:11,652 --> 00:09:13,151
How bad could it be?
235
00:09:13,153 --> 00:09:16,688
Well, I think the
Titanic was a trial run.
236
00:09:16,690 --> 00:09:19,257
Come on. They know
how to raise kids.
237
00:09:19,259 --> 00:09:22,327
They raised me,
and I'm fantastic.
238
00:09:22,329 --> 00:09:24,663
Well, you're humble.
I'll give you that.
239
00:09:24,665 --> 00:09:26,665
Look, I will talk to them,
240
00:09:26,667 --> 00:09:28,733
and make sure
they do everything the way I do.
241
00:09:28,735 --> 00:09:31,570
Oh, the way we do.
The way you do.
242
00:09:31,572 --> 00:09:35,674
All right, fine. I'll
give you your trial run.
243
00:09:35,676 --> 00:09:38,944
It's what Julia
Roberts would do.
244
00:09:40,881 --> 00:09:42,981
All right!
245
00:09:42,983 --> 00:09:44,282
Bye, Grandma.
Oh, I love you so much.
246
00:09:44,284 --> 00:09:46,685
All right, bye.
247
00:09:46,687 --> 00:09:48,353
Bye-bye.
Okay, listen.
248
00:09:48,355 --> 00:09:50,021
Meet the kids here
at 3:00 sharp,
249
00:09:50,023 --> 00:09:51,890
and give 'em a snack, or
they turn into maniacs.
250
00:09:51,892 --> 00:09:54,025
But not candy,
or they turn into maniacs.
251
00:09:54,027 --> 00:09:56,361
And make 'em start on
their homework right away,
252
00:09:56,363 --> 00:09:58,863
or they'll just run
around like maniacs.
253
00:09:58,865 --> 00:10:00,865
Basically, they're maniacs.
254
00:10:00,867 --> 00:10:03,168
And I can't believe
I have to say this,
255
00:10:03,170 --> 00:10:06,371
but no weapons
and no explosives.
256
00:10:06,373 --> 00:10:10,041
Relax. We raised you,
and you turned out fantastic.
257
00:10:10,043 --> 00:10:12,143
That's what I said!
258
00:10:12,145 --> 00:10:14,346
All right, keep it
moving, Burns. Let's go.
259
00:10:14,348 --> 00:10:16,014
Oh. Who are these
youngsters?
260
00:10:16,016 --> 00:10:17,716
Oh, uh, my parents,
Bev and Joe.
261
00:10:17,718 --> 00:10:21,086
Mom, Dad, this is, uh,
Emme's teacher, Mrs. Rodriguez.
262
00:10:21,088 --> 00:10:23,154
Ooh, Rodriguez!
263
00:10:23,156 --> 00:10:24,055
Mom.
264
00:10:24,057 --> 00:10:25,757
Are you from Mexico?
265
00:10:25,759 --> 00:10:27,692
Actually, I'm from
Philadelphia.
266
00:10:27,694 --> 00:10:30,795
Oh, fascinating.
Now, do you eat baked potatoes?
267
00:10:30,797 --> 00:10:32,230
Okay, okay! Okay, Emme,
why don't you show Grandma
268
00:10:32,232 --> 00:10:33,999
and Grandpa
your classroom, hmm?
269
00:10:34,001 --> 00:10:37,002
Aw, yeah. He's gonna
apologize for us now.
270
00:10:37,004 --> 00:10:38,770
He's gotten real uptight.
271
00:10:38,772 --> 00:10:41,039
Must be all that
cooking and cleaning.
272
00:10:41,041 --> 00:10:43,074
A lot of housewives
get like that.
273
00:10:44,044 --> 00:10:46,277
Sorry.
274
00:10:46,279 --> 00:10:48,813
For what? I'm Latina,
and they were being nice.
275
00:10:48,815 --> 00:10:50,982
You've never once asked me
where I'm from.
276
00:10:50,984 --> 00:10:54,352
Yes, but, to be fair,
I don't care.
277
00:10:54,354 --> 00:10:56,921
Mm-hmm. It's all coming
out now, isn't it, Burns?
That's right.
278
00:10:56,923 --> 00:10:58,173
Three more months of school
279
00:10:58,174 --> 00:10:59,424
and we never have
to see each other again.
280
00:10:59,426 --> 00:11:01,826
More importantly,
I never have to see you again.
281
00:11:01,828 --> 00:11:03,828
Believe it or not,
I'm gonna miss you.
282
00:11:03,830 --> 00:11:07,098
I don't get a lot of wins.
But with you, I always win.
283
00:11:08,301 --> 00:11:10,669
What a fun classroom.
284
00:11:10,671 --> 00:11:12,303
Like a fiesta, right?
285
00:11:12,305 --> 00:11:14,039
That's mostly
your son's doing.
286
00:11:14,041 --> 00:11:16,274
He's room mom this year.
287
00:11:16,276 --> 00:11:18,810
Oh, for the love of God.
288
00:11:21,148 --> 00:11:22,681
All right, let's go.
289
00:11:22,683 --> 00:11:23,915
Adios!
290
00:11:23,917 --> 00:11:25,450
Ma!
291
00:11:27,821 --> 00:11:29,054
Hey.
292
00:11:29,056 --> 00:11:30,388
Hey, cuties, we're home.
293
00:11:33,093 --> 00:11:34,225
What are you watching?
294
00:11:34,227 --> 00:11:36,161
Extreme Autopsy.
295
00:11:37,230 --> 00:11:38,697
They chop up dead bodies.
296
00:11:38,699 --> 00:11:40,198
Grandpa Joe found it.
297
00:11:40,200 --> 00:11:42,367
Here we go, he's
getting the bone saw.
298
00:11:43,870 --> 00:11:45,303
He won't need it. That body
was in the lake for weeks.
299
00:11:45,305 --> 00:11:48,106
No, no, no, no, no, no!
300
00:11:48,108 --> 00:11:50,075
Aw.
301
00:11:50,077 --> 00:11:51,910
Is your homework done?
302
00:11:51,912 --> 00:11:54,946
Grandma said we were
too cute to do homework.
303
00:11:54,948 --> 00:11:57,015
And is that candy?
304
00:11:57,017 --> 00:11:58,850
We're having candy dinner.
305
00:11:58,852 --> 00:12:03,488
Why don't you ever
give us candy dinner?
306
00:12:03,490 --> 00:12:06,157
No. You know, as bad
as I thought this would be,
307
00:12:06,159 --> 00:12:08,059
it's so much worse.
And I was like,
308
00:12:08,061 --> 00:12:09,327
"What if they do this or
that or the other thing?"
309
00:12:09,329 --> 00:12:10,795
And then they did
all the things.
310
00:12:10,797 --> 00:12:12,063
They did all the things, Adam.
311
00:12:12,065 --> 00:12:13,965
Okay, okay, okay.
I will handle this.
312
00:12:13,967 --> 00:12:16,835
Mom? Dad?
313
00:12:16,837 --> 00:12:19,104
It's just me.
314
00:12:19,106 --> 00:12:22,140
Bev is resting her eyes, and
Joe's down at Dunkin' Donuts,
315
00:12:22,142 --> 00:12:25,110
because
it's his favorite bathroom.
316
00:12:25,112 --> 00:12:27,145
What are you doing here?
317
00:12:27,147 --> 00:12:28,179
I saw them at pick-up and they
318
00:12:28,181 --> 00:12:29,447
couldn't remember
how to get back.
319
00:12:29,449 --> 00:12:30,315
Then your mom
insisted
320
00:12:30,317 --> 00:12:31,416
I eat some veal
321
00:12:31,418 --> 00:12:32,851
to fatten me up.
322
00:12:32,853 --> 00:12:34,119
She said
323
00:12:34,121 --> 00:12:37,188
I couldn't leave
until it's all gone.
324
00:12:37,190 --> 00:12:39,290
I'm the veal now.
325
00:12:39,292 --> 00:12:42,260
Italian mothers
like to feed people.
326
00:12:42,262 --> 00:12:45,063
They also like to kiss
on the mouth, Adam.
327
00:12:46,199 --> 00:12:48,433
Well, kiss her
back next time,
328
00:12:48,435 --> 00:12:51,002
see what happens.
I don't know.
329
00:12:51,004 --> 00:12:52,504
Adam, this is not funny.
330
00:12:52,506 --> 00:12:55,039
Look-look, don't worry,
these are just, you know,
331
00:12:55,041 --> 00:12:56,307
day one growing pains.
332
00:12:56,309 --> 00:12:59,978
There's no more juice boxes.
333
00:13:01,014 --> 00:13:02,547
Thanks, Obama.
334
00:13:13,360 --> 00:13:15,393
One day, one day your
parents watched our kids,
335
00:13:15,395 --> 00:13:17,462
and they turned our little
girl into Bill O'Reilly.
336
00:13:19,166 --> 00:13:21,299
What am I supposed
to do, Andi,
337
00:13:21,301 --> 00:13:22,967
go out to the RV,
knock on the door,
338
00:13:22,969 --> 00:13:24,402
and tell my own parents
to leave?
339
00:13:24,404 --> 00:13:26,805
That's a great idea. Do that.
340
00:13:26,807 --> 00:13:29,040
Oh, okay. If you feel
so strongly about it,
341
00:13:29,042 --> 00:13:30,341
why don't you go out there
and do it.
342
00:13:30,343 --> 00:13:32,377
Well, I can't do it.
They like me.
343
00:13:32,379 --> 00:13:36,347
I mean, you know, they love
you, but they really like me.
344
00:13:36,349 --> 00:13:38,383
Look, I agree.
We got to get 'em out of here,
345
00:13:38,385 --> 00:13:41,319
but I don't want
to hurt their feelings.
346
00:13:41,321 --> 00:13:44,856
I know. I just...
347
00:13:44,858 --> 00:13:47,959
I wish there was someplace else
they could go.
348
00:13:47,961 --> 00:13:50,161
Hey, you know where
they've never stayed?
349
00:13:50,163 --> 00:13:52,163
Huh?
Tom Selleck's house.
350
00:13:52,165 --> 00:13:54,299
Nice.
351
00:13:54,300 --> 00:13:56,434
That's right. It's not a family
until everybody suffers.
352
00:13:58,071 --> 00:13:59,904
So I'm thinking we put
'em in your driveway.
353
00:13:59,906 --> 00:14:01,239
Oh, no way.
354
00:14:01,241 --> 00:14:03,408
Why would I want them here?
355
00:14:05,345 --> 00:14:08,980
Uh, well, because
your invitation to Joe and Bev
356
00:14:08,982 --> 00:14:10,448
will heal the awful breach
357
00:14:10,450 --> 00:14:12,483
that you've been struggling
with for years.
358
00:14:12,485 --> 00:14:14,419
Boom.
359
00:14:14,421 --> 00:14:16,287
I don't want to
heal the breach.
360
00:14:16,289 --> 00:14:19,891
I have enjoyed
19 mother-in-law-free years.
361
00:14:19,893 --> 00:14:22,427
It's like heaven, but you
don't have to be a good person.
362
00:14:22,429 --> 00:14:24,562
Okay,
but I-I need them
363
00:14:24,564 --> 00:14:26,097
out of our driveway,
all right?
364
00:14:26,099 --> 00:14:28,233
There's a septic hose
in my rosebushes.
365
00:14:28,235 --> 00:14:30,235
Okay, how about this,
golden boy, huh?
366
00:14:30,237 --> 00:14:32,403
I'll tell Mom and Dad that
you want them to stay here.
367
00:14:32,405 --> 00:14:34,239
Then when they come over
here, you can tell 'em no
368
00:14:34,241 --> 00:14:36,407
to their innocent,
loving faces. Hmm?
369
00:14:36,409 --> 00:14:38,009
They got us, baby.
370
00:14:38,011 --> 00:14:40,011
No, no.
371
00:14:40,013 --> 00:14:41,946
Relax, Big Daddy.
372
00:14:41,948 --> 00:14:43,147
You know what?
373
00:14:43,149 --> 00:14:44,782
Go ahead
and bring them over here.
374
00:14:44,783 --> 00:14:46,416
And I'll just tell them
that you came to us first,
375
00:14:46,419 --> 00:14:48,253
'cause you don't want them
staying at your place.
376
00:14:48,255 --> 00:14:50,655
Fine by me. Let's burn
this whole thing down!
377
00:14:50,657 --> 00:14:52,590
Okay, okay, okay.
Everybody just take...
378
00:14:52,592 --> 00:14:54,292
just take it easy, all right?
379
00:14:54,294 --> 00:14:56,961
I mean, there has
to be a solution.
380
00:14:56,963 --> 00:15:01,132
So, short of faking
our own deaths, what do we do?
381
00:15:01,134 --> 00:15:03,434
Well, my parents live
in a retirement village,
382
00:15:03,436 --> 00:15:04,569
and they love it.
383
00:15:04,571 --> 00:15:07,272
Oh, Dad hates those places.
Well, yeah,
384
00:15:07,274 --> 00:15:09,474
but what if we don't tell him
it's one of those places?
385
00:15:09,476 --> 00:15:12,110
Yeah, we can just bring 'em
there and-and tell 'em
386
00:15:12,112 --> 00:15:13,578
it's a regular apartment
that you guys are looking at
387
00:15:13,580 --> 00:15:15,413
because you're thinking
of downsizing.
388
00:15:15,415 --> 00:15:16,648
Yeah. Yeah,
and then by the time
389
00:15:16,650 --> 00:15:18,283
Dad figures out where he is,
390
00:15:18,285 --> 00:15:19,951
he'll love it.
You know,
391
00:15:19,953 --> 00:15:22,120
that could really work.
Those places are fancy now.
392
00:15:22,122 --> 00:15:23,588
And Dad won't be hard to
trick. He still thinks
393
00:15:23,590 --> 00:15:25,990
you voted for Obama
"by accident."
394
00:15:29,062 --> 00:15:30,128
Wow, this is
395
00:15:30,130 --> 00:15:31,562
a nice apartment.
Yeah.
396
00:15:31,564 --> 00:15:34,365
And no sharp corners.
397
00:15:34,367 --> 00:15:36,501
What a warm welcome
from that lady at the gate.
398
00:15:36,503 --> 00:15:37,502
Yeah.
399
00:15:37,504 --> 00:15:39,203
I think she was Vietnamese.
400
00:15:39,205 --> 00:15:41,572
I'd love to watch her eat
a baked potato.
401
00:15:41,574 --> 00:15:43,574
So, Andi, how about
this place, huh?
402
00:15:43,576 --> 00:15:45,610
Psh. Gosh, Don,
403
00:15:45,612 --> 00:15:47,946
you and Marcy
may call this downsizing,
404
00:15:47,948 --> 00:15:50,548
but I-I call it upgradezing.
405
00:15:50,550 --> 00:15:52,717
And no guest room.
You'll like that.
406
00:15:52,719 --> 00:15:54,319
I don't know.
407
00:15:54,321 --> 00:15:56,154
There's something
about this place.
408
00:15:56,156 --> 00:15:59,057
Why are there ramps everywhere
instead of stairs?
409
00:15:59,059 --> 00:16:03,594
Oh, uh, that's because ramps
are the stairs of the future.
410
00:16:03,596 --> 00:16:05,997
Yeah, yeah. That's right.
I mean, in a few years,
411
00:16:05,999 --> 00:16:07,532
you're only gonna see stairs
in a museum.
412
00:16:07,534 --> 00:16:10,401
A-And not to walk on,
just to look at.
413
00:16:10,403 --> 00:16:12,537
Eventually,
people will be born
414
00:16:12,539 --> 00:16:14,539
without the ability
to climb steps.
415
00:16:14,541 --> 00:16:16,541
Nature has no stairs.
416
00:16:16,543 --> 00:16:20,378
Mountains are
nature's ramps to the sky.
417
00:16:20,380 --> 00:16:23,614
Or steps, if you will.
418
00:16:23,616 --> 00:16:26,517
That doesn't make any sense.
419
00:16:26,519 --> 00:16:28,519
So, I read in the
lobby that they have
420
00:16:28,521 --> 00:16:30,688
bingo, musicals, comedy nights.
421
00:16:30,690 --> 00:16:32,690
Oh, and there's a restaurant
that serves dinner
422
00:16:32,692 --> 00:16:34,559
from 2:00 to 4:00 p.m.
423
00:16:34,561 --> 00:16:36,561
I know that's when
I like to eat.
424
00:16:36,563 --> 00:16:38,162
That sounds fun.
425
00:16:38,164 --> 00:16:41,165
Call me crazy but, Joe,
426
00:16:41,167 --> 00:16:44,335
I-I'm thinking this place
could be good for us.
427
00:16:44,337 --> 00:16:46,337
For you? Wow, Ma.
428
00:16:46,339 --> 00:16:48,506
That never occurred to us.
429
00:16:48,508 --> 00:16:49,674
Yeah, yeah, it's not bad.
430
00:16:49,676 --> 00:16:51,743
Oh, here's a brochure.
431
00:16:51,745 --> 00:16:53,611
Oh, no, no, no! Don't read that!
That's full of lies.
432
00:16:53,613 --> 00:16:55,546
It's made in China.
433
00:16:55,548 --> 00:16:57,582
"Here at the Oaks we welcome
all levels of clients.
434
00:16:57,584 --> 00:17:00,118
"A Level-- full independence.
435
00:17:00,120 --> 00:17:02,086
"B Level--
targeted support.
436
00:17:02,088 --> 00:17:04,188
C Level-- live-in staff."
437
00:17:04,190 --> 00:17:05,089
And then
438
00:17:05,091 --> 00:17:06,424
D Level.
439
00:17:06,426 --> 00:17:07,625
What's D Level?
440
00:17:07,627 --> 00:17:11,562
It's just a picture
of a tree in a field.
441
00:17:11,564 --> 00:17:13,731
This is an old folks' home!
442
00:17:13,733 --> 00:17:17,668
What?!
443
00:17:17,670 --> 00:17:20,705
Why would Don and Marcy want
to live in an old folks' home?
444
00:17:20,707 --> 00:17:22,540
Well, it's not for them--
it's for us.
445
00:17:22,542 --> 00:17:24,609
They used it as a trick
to get us out here.
446
00:17:24,611 --> 00:17:26,611
They want us out
of the house,
447
00:17:26,613 --> 00:17:29,647
but they're just
too chicken to tell us.
448
00:17:29,649 --> 00:17:32,517
Well, that was not very
nice at all, Marcy.
449
00:17:34,187 --> 00:17:37,155
Uh, which chair would you
like me to die in, huh?
450
00:17:37,157 --> 00:17:39,190
This one or that one
or this one, right?
451
00:17:39,192 --> 00:17:41,459
That's the great thing
about this place--
452
00:17:41,461 --> 00:17:44,629
there are so many options.
453
00:17:47,167 --> 00:17:50,334
If you wanted us to go, you
should've just told us to go!
454
00:17:50,336 --> 00:17:51,669
I didn't want
to upset you. You know,
455
00:17:51,671 --> 00:17:54,338
more than you are usually.
456
00:17:54,340 --> 00:17:57,141
Look, it's hard
to tell you stuff, all right?
457
00:17:57,143 --> 00:17:58,709
I told you Andi went back
to work,
458
00:17:58,711 --> 00:17:59,677
and you gave me a hard time.
459
00:17:59,679 --> 00:18:01,646
Marcy was honest
460
00:18:01,648 --> 00:18:04,515
and said she didn't want you
to stay with her 19 years ago,
461
00:18:04,517 --> 00:18:05,850
and you're still mad at her.
462
00:18:05,852 --> 00:18:07,752
That's not true.
Well, it is true,
463
00:18:07,754 --> 00:18:09,420
but I don't like
the way you said it.
464
00:18:09,422 --> 00:18:11,856
Okay, look, it's just...
465
00:18:11,858 --> 00:18:13,691
you know, living
in our driveway,
466
00:18:13,693 --> 00:18:16,394
showing our kids autopsies,
467
00:18:16,396 --> 00:18:17,728
stealing turtles
468
00:18:17,730 --> 00:18:19,730
from the side of the road.
469
00:18:19,732 --> 00:18:22,133
It's-it's a lot to take.
470
00:18:22,135 --> 00:18:24,669
I'm fine with it.
It's just Adam.
471
00:18:28,608 --> 00:18:30,875
You got something to say,
say it.
472
00:18:30,877 --> 00:18:32,577
Yeah, Adam. Say it.
473
00:18:32,579 --> 00:18:34,112
:
Oh...
474
00:18:34,114 --> 00:18:35,746
Fine. Okay.
475
00:18:35,748 --> 00:18:38,449
Here it is.
476
00:18:38,451 --> 00:18:41,752
I love you, but you got to
find your own place to live.
477
00:18:41,754 --> 00:18:42,887
Okay.
478
00:18:42,889 --> 00:18:45,656
Wha--? That's it? Okay?
479
00:18:45,658 --> 00:18:48,693
We haven't really enjoyed
our time here anyway.
480
00:18:48,695 --> 00:18:50,661
What?
481
00:18:50,663 --> 00:18:52,196
You make too many rules.
482
00:18:52,198 --> 00:18:53,831
We can't tell
stories like we like
483
00:18:53,833 --> 00:18:55,800
or watch the TV
shows we like.
484
00:18:55,802 --> 00:18:57,268
Or pick up a turtle
485
00:18:57,270 --> 00:18:59,470
that technically belongs
to any American.
486
00:18:59,472 --> 00:19:01,539
My taxes
487
00:19:01,540 --> 00:19:03,607
have bought me at least one
stinkin' street turtle.
488
00:19:03,610 --> 00:19:04,742
So we'll go.
489
00:19:04,744 --> 00:19:07,545
And-and you're not mad?
490
00:19:07,547 --> 00:19:08,630
Are you mad?
491
00:19:08,631 --> 00:19:09,714
Not if you're not mad.
492
00:19:09,716 --> 00:19:11,382
Just the usual mad.
493
00:19:11,384 --> 00:19:15,219
Nobody could stay mad
at our sweet boy.
494
00:19:15,221 --> 00:19:17,688
He's so handsome, just like...
495
00:19:17,690 --> 00:19:19,557
Oh. Who-who is it, Joe?
496
00:19:19,559 --> 00:19:20,791
Larry King?
No.
497
00:19:20,793 --> 00:19:22,860
No. The actor.
498
00:19:22,862 --> 00:19:24,362
Don Rickles?
499
00:19:24,364 --> 00:19:26,797
No, the actor.
With the hair?
500
00:19:26,799 --> 00:19:27,665
Oh, they all have hair.
501
00:19:27,667 --> 00:19:29,200
Not Telly Savalas.
502
00:19:29,202 --> 00:19:30,668
Oh, he was good.
503
00:19:30,670 --> 00:19:32,670
Yul Brynner was a
good bald guy, too.
504
00:19:32,672 --> 00:19:36,207
Oh. If only the two of them
had been in a movie together.
505
00:19:36,209 --> 00:19:37,608
You can't do
that. From behind,
506
00:19:37,610 --> 00:19:39,944
you can't tell
who's talking.
507
00:19:42,382 --> 00:19:45,783
Promise me
I will never get like that.
508
00:19:45,785 --> 00:19:47,785
Oh, you're gonna be
exactly like that.
509
00:19:47,787 --> 00:19:50,588
But I will love it.
510
00:19:50,590 --> 00:19:52,924
You know who won't love it?
Our kids.
511
00:19:52,926 --> 00:19:54,759
Yeah.
We're gonna get their kids
512
00:19:54,761 --> 00:19:57,228
all kinds of crazy gifts.
513
00:19:57,230 --> 00:19:59,463
Tasers, an iguana,
514
00:19:59,465 --> 00:20:01,399
a wood chipper.
515
00:20:01,401 --> 00:20:03,968
Hey, that reminds me,
516
00:20:03,970 --> 00:20:05,836
what did you do
with that turtle?
517
00:20:05,838 --> 00:20:07,838
Oh, I dropped him off at the zoo
with a Post-it on its back
518
00:20:07,840 --> 00:20:09,607
that said, "Thanks, Obama."
519
00:20:18,585 --> 00:20:19,817
Hey, Ma. What's going on?
You're packing up?
520
00:20:19,819 --> 00:20:20,885
We found an apartment.
521
00:20:20,887 --> 00:20:22,687
Your dad's inside
522
00:20:22,688 --> 00:20:24,488
right now signing the lease
with the landlady.
523
00:20:24,490 --> 00:20:27,792
That's great! Uh,
I think those are our towels.
524
00:20:27,794 --> 00:20:29,994
You kick us out, I take towels.
525
00:20:31,931 --> 00:20:34,532
That's worth it.
526
00:20:37,670 --> 00:20:40,304
Hello, Burns.
527
00:20:40,306 --> 00:20:42,607
What?
528
00:20:42,609 --> 00:20:45,243
See? Look at his face. I told
you it'd be funny.
529
00:20:46,012 --> 00:20:47,912
You're moving in with her?
530
00:20:47,914 --> 00:20:49,947
She's renting us the
other half of her duplex.
531
00:20:50,950 --> 00:20:53,384
Ma, why didn't you tell me
532
00:20:53,386 --> 00:20:54,819
she was your new landlady?
533
00:20:54,821 --> 00:20:57,955
You never like me to
describe anyone in my stories.
534
00:20:57,957 --> 00:21:00,424
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