Original subtitles

So, you guys have a big anniversary coming up, huh?

Yup. 20 years.

20 years with Don. Yeah.

That is hard time.

You know, you might want

to get her something more romantic

than last year's Chipotle gift card.

It was $19-- a dollar a year.

It's not about how much he spends on me.

That's my girl.

It's about finding a gift that's thoughtful,

meaningful, that shows how well he knows me.

Oh, so you want disappointment for your anniversary.

Hey.

Mom, can we go to the mall tomorrow?

I found the perfect outfit for Saturday night.

Oh, what's, uh... what's Saturday night?

My first date.

What?

Um, actually, honey,

I-I haven't really discussed that with your dad, yet.

Oh.

Just remember, Daddy, you're my hero.

Buckle up, baby.

Katie has a date Saturday night?

When were you planning on telling me about this?

Sunday morning.

We agreed she was not gonna date until she's 35.

No, you just said that one day after we watched Teen Mom.

She's almost 14. Most of her friends

have been dating for months.

This is when it starts.

I was 13 when I first went out with Don.

Mm-hmm. You hear that?

Marcy could have been somebody.

Come on, it's not like I'm making her a child bride.

She's just going out with that nice boy from her class-- Royce.

Royce? Royce-- with all the hair and the wallet on a chain?

What's a 13-year-old kid need a wallet for anyway?

Condoms.

Don!

No, he's right.

You know, I've seen that Royce kid around.

He's a player.

And you know this because?

Andi. Who are you talking to?

Huh?

I was 14 once. I know the game.

Right? You give the gals a little bit of this,

a little bit of that,

and all the red lights turn green!

Oh, my God.

Trust me.

I can spot my own kind.

Yeah, we players know players. Mm-hmm.

Well, look, you're being protective, all right?

And-and I love that about you, but we both know

that you are not gonna like anyone she dates.

No. No, that's not it.

My instincts are telling me that this kid is no good.

And I don't want Katie dating him.

Okay, well, I already told her that she could.

If it makes you feel any better, I-I can...

I can do a little of this. Huh?

And a little bit of that.

That's not how you do it.

Okay, and you can't just make a unilateral decision.

We discuss things in this family.

Well, yes, usually, but, you know, I knew you'd say no,

and then, I'd veto your no, so then I just thought, hey,

why not just cut out the middle man?

Okay, well, first of all

I'm not the middle man.

Okay?

I am the man.

And second of all, if you're going to unilaterally

decide she can go, then I'm going to unilaterally

decide that your decision

is caca.

Oh, don't you remember Romeo and Juliet?

If you don't give your daughter the freedom to date

who she wants, it does not end well.

Oh. Well, don't you remember those Taken movies?

That's what happens when you give your daughter freedom.

Taken, Andi. One, two, three times they get taken.

¶ ¶

Mwah. Okay, bye, guys. In you go.

Bye, Daddy. Bye, Dad. Bye-bye.

Hey, Royce.

What's up, girl?

You see that? He called her "girl."

She has a name, Royce!

Yeah, it's Kate. Sometimes Katie.

Ah, guys like that never listen to me. Yeah.

Hey, uh, Mrs. Rodriguez? Mm?

Um, what do you know about that kid Royce

that's always hanging around Katie?

Oh, he's one of my favorites.

He's an honor roll student,

started his own dog-walking company,

even works weekends at the mall.

Oh, I see, huh? He charmed you, too, huh?

What'd he do, give you a little bit of this

little bit of that?

Stop that. What is that?

There's children here, for God sakes.

I'm telling you, I have got

a gut feeling that this kid is no good. I just need proof.

So what's the plan, chief?

Well, first, keep calling me "chief." I like that.

Ooh, okay.

These kids put everything they do on the Internet.

Maybe we can find something on him there. Oh, I'm your man.

If there is dirty laundry about Royce online, I'll find it.

I'm like Russia, but with the easy grace of France. Oh.

Well, I'm like America, so let's go get a burger

and stick our noses where they don't belong.

Okay.

I managed to uncover Royce's public Instagram page.

Lowell, I could have done that.

But then we wouldn't be on this buddy adventure.

Oh, look at this.

Every picture, he's with a different girl.

I knew Royce was a dog. I got to show this to Andi.

Oh, that's my comput... Okay, it's fine!

You know, I just realized we've never been alone together.

You're an odd bird, aren't you?

I have feelings, if that's what you're getting at.

Great, because I have a question for somebody who has feelings.

My anniversary is coming up, and I have a gift in mind for Marcy.

Let me run it by you.

Oh, I'm great at finding the perfect gift.

Hit me with it.

A dirt bike.

Why would you get Marcy a dirt bike?

Ah. Because secretly, I want a dirt bike.

Do you see where I'm going with this?

Uh-huh, uh huh. Ah?

Yeah, uh, may I suggest jewelry?

I don't wear much jewelry.

For Marcy!

Oh. Let-Let's think about her.

What does Marcy mean to you?

She's the mother of my son and the love of my life.

Good! And when you think of her, you feel?

Guilty.

Something nice.

Horny?

Dear God.

What other feelings are there?

Nope. That's all of them.

Whose computer is this?

Will you pay attention?

Okay, look at Royce's Instagram.

Royce, girl. Royce, two girls.

Royce between two half-naked girls.

They're on a beach.

Read the hashtags. #SavingaBeachedWhale.

#SavingTheWorld. #Peace.

What a weirdo!

Adam, you're grasping at straws now.

I'm telling you,

I have looked in this kid's eyes, and they are black,

like a shark looking for dinner.

And Katie's just like some cute seal

flopping around on the beach. with her mom telling her,

"Go out in the water. Play, yeah."

He is gonna break her heart,

and I'm not gonna sit back and watch it happen.

Okay but you can't just go out on your own

and start cyber-stalking a 13-year-old.

Oh, really?

It sounds to me like you wish we had discussed it first.

Yeah.

Well, I knew you'd say no,

and then I'd veto your no,

so I thought, hey, why not cut out the middle man?

Yeah, it doesn't feel good, does it?

Okay, first of all, I am not the middle man.

I'm the wife.

Which means I can stay mad

a lot longer than you can.

And I have made the unilateral decision

that, mm, you need to stay out of this.

Well, then, I just made the unilateral decision

that I'm not gonna do what you say.

Yes, you will.

Whose computer is this?

Okay.

Royce should be here any minute.

Mrs. Rodriguez told me he had a dog-walking company,

so I booked an appointment online to get him to come over.

You know, scare him a little,

show him the kind of dad he'll be dealing with.

Didn't Andi say to stay out of it?

Yeah, well, she's not in charge.

And more importantly, she's not here.

All right, what do you want me to do?

Just back me up, all right?

Oh, you want me to be the goon, huh?

Don't worry. I know what to do.

I'm not even allowed in Chuck E. Cheese anymore.

Oh, here, here, here.

Good morning, Mr. Burns. Royce.

Thanks for calling me. You won't be sorry.

When you book me, you'll be a 100% satisfied.

"Make the right choice. Call Royce."

Is that what you tell all the girls?

What?

Did he stutter?!

Look, I actually called you over here

for a confidential conversation, man-to-man.

Nothing we talk about can get back to Katie.

All right? You know my wife, you know my daughter.

Now it's time for you to get to know me.

For instance, one of my hobbies is I like to take walks

in the woods and bury things in holes.

Sometimes I take one thing,

cut it up, and bury it in different holes.

Depends on my mood.

He's moody!

I guess what I really wanted you to know is Katie

is my little girl, so you date Katie, you date me.

You upset Katie, you upset me.

Okay? Now a lot of parents these days are hands off,

but me-- I'm more hands on.

You see what I'm saying?

He touches kids!

I think that went pretty well with Royce this morning.

Yeah.

There was a few hiccups on your end, but...

I think we guaranteed

that Royce will be a perfect gentleman on their date.

What's wrong with her?

Royce cancelled their date.

What?

Uh, did he happen to mention why?

No. No, he just, he-he texted her

and didn't explain anything.

Oh, that's good.

I mean, the why isn't really important.

What's important is that we establish who's to blame,

and that is Royce.

Well, I am gonna call Royce's mom,

and we are gonna get to the bottom of this. What? No, no, no, no.

You don't need to get to the bottom of it.

Let's stay at the top. It's nice at the top, huh?

The penthouse of life-- that's where we live.

What? Well, I'm just saying, you're right.

In fact, you're always right.

From now on, we should do whatever you say.

What did you do?

Let me tell her, please. Let me be the one to tell her.

So you scared Royce into cancelling their date?

I scared Royce.

And he cancelled their date.

You can't prove the connection.

Okay, well, good job, Adam,

because your daughter is heartbroken.

You did the exact thing to her that you said Royce would do.

Yeah, but she thinks he did it.

So I say now we do your thing and just stay out of it.

Okay?

I mean, we don't want

to Romeo and Juliet this sucker.

No, Adam, she blames herself.

She thinks there's something wrong with her.

She doesn't know that really

there's just something very, very wrong with you.

But I'm her hero.

Maybe you should take the rap on this one.

I'm going, I'm going.

Hey, Katie.

Look, honey, I know you think this whole thing is your fault,

but it isn't.

The truth is...

The truth is, it's my... feeling that it's Royce's fault.

I mean, between saving whales, walking dogs,

he takes a selfie every four seconds--

he's just too into himself.

How do you know all that stuff about Royce?

Uh...

uh, that's a good question.

I did not see that coming. Uh...

What did you do?

You know, you are really starting

to remind me of your mother.

How'd it go?

Not good.

And now she knows it's my fault.

I blew it. You know, from now on,

you should just make all the decisions.

Wait.

Wait, wait, wait, wait.

Say that into my phone. Oh, come on.

Come on. How are we gonna fix this?

: Well...

it's simple.

We are gonna make the decision, together...

to go down to the mall and...

bag a teenage boy to date our daughter.

Fine, I'll do it.

But I still think he's a player.

He's not a player. And I have news for you,

you are not a player anymore, either-- you are a dad.

You take that back! Oh, come on.

Take it back. Take it back. No. No.

I'm a player.

Okay.

What's in here?

Okay, this is Marcy's favorite room.

I'm only allowed in here on special occasions,

or after a bath.

But these are her most precious things.

If I'm gonna help you find the perfect gift,

I need to understand what makes Marcy tick.

Oh, well, that's easy-- it's Chardonnay and revenge.

Oh, I love those plates.

Whoa, whoa, we shouldn't be on the carpet.

We have to leave this place exactly as it was.

Marcy will see those footprints.

I came up with this technique

to get to the M&M's she keeps in here.

Careful.

Careful. No touching, no touching.

Hey, I recognize these.

These are Criscioni commemorative plates.

There's one for each month, and she's missing December.

She'll love it!

And I only have to buy one plate.

So I'll have enough for a dirt bike.

Okay, okay, she'll know

if it's a little off.

Oh.

Hey, sport.

I'm friends with the mall cop.

Come on. Relax, Royce.

What I said this morning was wrong.

I should have just

stayed out of it.

And I probably would have

if you didn't have such ridiculous hair.

Do you even have a mirror at home? Oh, Adam.

What? What? Adam...

Stay focused.

Okay.

Bottom line, Katie likes you and you like her,

so...

please take her out.

But you threatened to bury me in the woods.

You did what?

He's paraphrasing.

That's why I cancelled.

I would never come between a father and a daughter.

Oh, God, this kid is great.

Are you buying this crap? He's playing you.

Stop playing us. Adam!

No.

No. No. I know who you are.

Okay? I was a player, too.

And still am.

Okay? Okay.

But I've been outvoted.

So here's what's gonna happen.

You are gonna date my daughter, whether you like it or not.

'Cause I know where you live, I know where you work,

I will dig a deep hole, and I'll... Okay, okay,

okay, that's it, that's enough, that's enough.

Now...

okay, what...

Adam is trying to say is...

we're just... we're really impressed

by how mature and-and caring you are.

Wrong.

We just think you're an incredibly nice kid.

Doubt it.

And we would be thrilled if you dated Katie.

Adam!

I'm gonna make you wait in the car.

So just, don't let us spoil this for you.

You know? So... what do you say?

Okay, we'll go on the date.

Oh, great!

Surprise! Hi. I'm Daphne.

Royce's girlfriend.

You must be his grandparents.

I've heard a lot about you.

Excuse me?

: I said, I've heard a lot about you.

How dare you try to date our daughter

when you have a girlfriend!

Wait, you asked another girl out?

I'm out of here.

Listen to me, you...

poofy-haired little rat.

Get him, babe.

I know where you live, and I know where you work,

and if you ever come near our daughter again,

I will come

to the end of your rainbow

and I will kick you right in the tots.

A little free advice:

never be afraid of the crazy one,

be afraid of the one the crazy one's afraid of.

: Whew!

You know what? Hmm?

That was fun.

: Yeah.

I like doing stuff with you.

Me, too.

You're a way better goon than Don.

Aw.

Mwah.

And, uh...

I have to admit,

you were right about Royce.

Oh, wait, wait, say that into my phone. Wait.

You're guys not going to believe it.

Royce was dating some girl from another school,

and now she's blasting him all over Instagram.

It's epic.

Yeah, we did that.

What? Yeah, yeah, we went down to the mall

to talk to Royce about your date.

Mm-hmm, yeah, and that's when we met Daphne.

Oh, my God!

I can't believe you guys would do that.

That's-that's my personal life.

Oh, Katie, you're right,

we didn't respect your boundaries.

And we never will.

Yeah, it turns out that the lesson

from Romeo and Juliet is that

the parents just weren't strict enough.

This is the worst apology ever.

Oh, no, no, it's not an apology.

No, no, it's a warning to any future boy

that tries to date you.

We're gonna cyber-stalk them, and interrogate them.

Yeah, and let them know that, if they date you,

we'll be watching.

But if you do that, no one will ever want to.

Then we'll have done our job.

Oh.

Mwah.

You know, s-she'll make us pay for this when we're old.

Yeah.

When the time comes,

that one is gonna be quick to pull the plug.

I can't believe Marcy got you a dirt bike for your anniversary.

And that she can bring it in here,

but I had to leave my beer in the hall.

It was the perfect place to hide it last night

because I knew Don wouldn't dare come in this room.

If you got Marcy another fast food gift card,

I suggest you ride off on this thing right now.

Oh, no, no, I love my girl.

She's getting something very special.

Here you go, baby. Oh!

Hey, I thought you broke those.

I had to buy a whole new set. Cost a fortune.

You got me my missing plate!

Honey, I never knew you even noticed my Criscionis.

Oh, baby, I love your crispy ponies. Oh.

Okay.

Aw.

Now my collection is complete.

Okay, I can't wait anymore,

I got to take this girl for a spin.

No!

Uh... so does this mean I can bring my beer in here now?