All language subtitles for Bless This Mess s01e02_English

[ Birds chirping ]

[ Mooing ]

♪♪

[ Bells jingle ]

Hi.
Hey.Ladies.

♪♪

Rio: Mama,things are going great.

Yes, the soil is dead, but Mikespent the last two weeks

researchingsoil revitalization, and --

Donna:
The soil is dead?

What do you mean
the soil is dead?

The soil on the farm that
you threw away your life for,

thatsoil is dead?

What are you doing
while he's teaching himself

how to farm?Well, I-I-I'm --I'm unpacking

'cause I got to sift throughall of Aunt Maggie's stuff

and get it -- I got an idea.

Start a fire,
take the insurance money --

don't look back!

Arson is almost impossible
to prove.

I wish you couldsee it out here, Mom.It's so beautiful.

The skyand the fresh air and --

[ Screaming ]Aah!

What was that?!
It's a goat.

I'm fine. Yeah. A goat? Rio!

Rudy's got a --[ Screaming ]

...goat that screams
like a human man.

Rudy's the homeless man

who's living
in your barn?!

If I'm homeless,why is the barn my home?

Ha ha. Got her.

That's a...good one.
It's true. Hello?

Um, is there -- I see
there's a chicken, also, there?

She's a stray.
Theresa likes her.

I'm sorry --
who's Theresa?
The goat.

Isn't that the name
of your ex-wife or...?

Yes, but it has
no significance.

Um, okay, so, there's gonna be
a chicken anda goat --

Anjelica.
I'm sorry --
who's Anjelica?

The chicken.

She stays.She's Theresa's best friend.

[ Anjelica clucks ] Are you there?

Oh. Copy that.Mike: Hey, honey! Rio? Hello?!

Um, Mom, I gotta go, but
I just don't want you to worry,

because Mike has got this. Oh, "Mike's got this."

Now I'm gonna
sleep great --
Bye.

I found a nickel!

You what?Like Indiana Jones
out here,

just bumping into
artifacts...

What --

...from 2012.

Oh.

Still, seven years
ain't nothin'.

[ Laughing ] Yeah.I claim this land.

Farmer boy,
you're looking hot!

Hot piece of ass
collecting soil samples.

I-I'm sorry, honey.
I can't hear you. What?

Farmer boy, so hot.You're a hot piece of ass.I --

Thank you.
Thank you.

--Captions by VITAC--

If we plant the cloverin time for the rain,

next year,we can diversify crops.

We could be sitting ona pretty dope microbial base.

Whoo!

Sounds like
we got a plan!
Yeah!

Houston,
we have a plan.

Problem, right?
Hou--

No.

"Houston,
we have a plan."

"Problem" -- it's like,
"Houston, we have a problem."

I'm going from the movie,when Tom Hanks radios down.

He says,"Houston, we have a plan."

You're just gonna have
to believe me on this
one, 'cause it's --

[ Theresa screams ]Oh, zhush!

Hey, there, buddy.
Hey.

♪♪

[ Switch clicks ]

Yeah.
That's about right.

Okay.

Hi, Aunt Maggie,
you sweet, sweet hoarder.

Ohh!

Turn...away...
demon...child...dolls.

Do you want
to get lunch?

You know what?
I'm fighting the light.

Okay.
But do you want
some bea--

Oh.
It's just the juice.

[ Slurps ]
Okay.

I'm okay.
All right.

♪♪

[ Keyboard clacking ]Hey.

Hey.

Honey, you want to do
some sex stuff?

Yeah. M-Maybe.

You know,my soil report just came in

from all the samples
I bagged up.

Mm-hmmmmmm.

So just looking --Oh, nitrogen is low.

Phosphate's low.
Oof.
Ooh.

pH is low.
Ohh.

Sweet potash numbers.

Nice.
Mm!

What do you say
we get dirty

and bag
some of yoursamples?

[ Clicks tongue ]Wow, that, um...Yeah.

That didn't sound great.Yeah, it went south
really quickly.

Rio: We're just kind of gettingused to being here, really.

Donna: Getting used to
extreme loneliness

and desperation
for human contact?

Like a prisoner.
Stop.

Are you even
having meals together?

Actually, you know what?Come to think of it,

we did share some peanutstogether the other day.

It was kind of cute.

And you're not
having sex.

I can hear it
in your voice.

A mother
always knows...
Ma!

...when her daughter's
not getting any!

Okay, $9.45.

You coming
to the potluck today?

Are you gonna inviteMike and Rio?

Oh, should I?

I wouldn't want them
to feel pressured to come

and then actually come.

Your mom invited meto a potluckwhen
Iwas new in town.

What if they rob me?

Or, heaven forbid,

they turn all my buckets
upside down and drum on them?

Why would they
do that, Kay?

I don't know
what New Yorkers do for fun.

And sorry to say this, but
have you seen her tight tops?

I think she might be
promiscuous.

Come on, now.[ Bells jingle ]

Mom, just -- j-- j--
Hold on a second, okay?

Hey, Constance.Hey, Miss Rio.

Hey, Kay.Donna:
I can't see anything!

Whew!

I can't see you!Oh.

Sorry, Mom. When was the last time

that you and Mike
had intercourse?

No, Mom -- Mom! Mom!

You're on video chat.Shh! And I mean real, loving...

Hi. Just -- ...emotionally connected
intercourse?

Once the sex goes,
everything goes.

[ Cellphone beeps ][ Chuckles nervously ]

It's just, uh...

I'll get youa new can of clams, Kent.

Thanks, Connie.

Sorry about that.[ Chuckles ]

Guess you know
more about me now.

[ Chuckles nervously ]

[ Clears throat ]

We're having a potluck
today at 4:00.

I'm inviting you.

And that's it.

A-A potluck.

I --We would love to come.

"Potluck" means
you have to bring something.

I know that.

Thank you.

Can I have my bag?

Bye, now.Bye, Miss Kay.

[ Bell jingles, door opens ]Kay: And don't forget
to bring something.

[ Door closes ]When she says
"bring something" --

Food.

Food. Okay.
Cool, cool.

And that means
just sort of buy something

and put it on --
You make it.

Yeah, that's
what I thought. Okay.

Just, like, a classic
potluck situation.

Hon, I can't go
to that potluck.

I got to finish digging this
ditch before the rain comes.

I know, but I wasjust thinking, like,

maybe we could just
take a break,

and we could do ithow we did it in New York --

our Saturday date night.

Remember the one time
we got so drunk

that we just did it
in the bathroom of
that Thai bistro?

Whoo!

Oh. Wow, what a night.You know.

Well,
you would've thought

my performance
would've been affected

by that Thai gal
banging on the bathroom door,

but one of
my better showings.
Indeed.

Whoo!
Whoo!

What is this?

You think this is
a poop or a rock?

That's a rock.

No, that's --
that's a poop.

That's poop
all the way.
No,
that's not breaking.

That's a rock.Oh, she'll break.

This def a poo.

I don't know, girl.Let me see.

Ho!
Hey-o!

[ Laughs ]
[ Laughs ] Hey!
Hello, there, little poop!

Poop, there it is!Welcome to the farm!

Ohh.
Oh, that's great.

Ah...

Yeah, we should definitely
get a date night done tonight.

Yeah?
Yeah.

Great!

Mike does most of the cooking,
but I do infuse my own water,

which is kind of great.

It's got cucumber and rosemary.
It's very cleansing --

Missy, if you bringvegetable water to this potluck,

I will arrest you myself.

Yeah.We are going to makean icebox cake

with no cooking required.That's good.

[ Horn honks ]

Beau: Hey, neighbor.

Hey, Mike!You remember me? Jacob!

We've been here for two weeks,
Jacob. Uh, I got it.

Hey, I noticed
your tiny electric vehicle's

riding kind of low.

What do you got
in there?

It's tiny,
but it's big on efficiency.

I, uh, I got some seed
back there.

Once I hook up the spreader
to that bad boy,

gonna lay down some
nutrient-rich organic matter.

It's called manure. You don't
have to put a tuxedo on it.

Yeah. Well, then I'm gonna
plant some clover.

I'm gonna use
a no-till method.

No-till, huh?

Here's a pro-tip --
till.

And, you know, they're saying
that tilling is a major force

in topsoil loss.

So what I'm gonna do
is I'm gonna plant

and I'm gonna let the rain
sink the seed.

I mean, the science behind it
is really impressive.

It might even interest you
for yourfields.

Hmm.
For myfields.

Hey, do you mind
if I give yousome advice?

Oh, yeah, absolutely.

Why don't you go to school
for agricultural science

and then work a farm
for 20 years,

thencome back and tell me
how to run my fields.

Okay?

You made
my dad's face red.

[ Clears throat ]

Well...
I went to college, too.

Is that so?
What'd you study?

Philosophy.

Of music.

Gonna let that
sit there.

Hey, about that
rain next Tuesday --
it's not gonna happen.

Not gonna rain
for a while now.

So looks to me
like you are

nutrient-rich-organic-matter
out of luck.

Bye, Mike![ Clears throat ]

Watch your toes!

♪♪

Hey, sweetie! You ready
to go to the potluck?

[ Sighs ]

Hon, I --
I can't go.

I can't -- I can't --The -- [Sighs]

The forecast changed.
There's no rain.

So, basically, right now,we have no plan.

Okay.

Houston,
we have no plan!

So sorry, but that --
that really is literally

the time you could've said,
"Houston, we have a problem."

What?

Noth-- It's fine.
No, it's fine.

Um, sweetie, don't you think
it's a good idea

to maybe get out of the barn,
put some clean pants on,

and come spend an hour
with your wife?

I mean, isn't that why
we're here in the first place?

Like, to spend
more time together.

It's, like, we could...

pretend we're having
a New York date night.

W-- I-I--This isn't New York.

We can't afford
to be impulsive

and do it in the bathroomof a Thai restaurant

and then just go back outand order dessert.

We got to build
the Thai restaurant

with our own two hands

if we want to do it
in the bathroom.

We need a plan,and we need to get to work.

How good was the plan
in the first place

if the whole thing falls apart
because of one rain forecast?

How good was the planin the first place?I'm sorry.

That's your --I'm not trying
to upset you.

All I'm saying is that

I-I am also having
some trouble here.

I'm kind of freaking out

because I feel
very out of place,

and you're kind of
the only person in the world

who can make it all okay.

And now it's likeI don't really have you, either.

So please, come to
the potluck with me.

You don't have to do it
just for me.

Do it --

Do it for us.

♪♪

I can't go.

Oh, did you guys hear?
It is notgonna rain.

Oh, my God.

Rudy, please, you got tolet us know when you're in here.

I apologize.

We --
I'm in here.

Got it.

Honey, go to the potluck.I want you to have fun.

Okay.

♪♪

[ Sighing ] Okay.

[ Knock on door ]

Hi.
Oh!

I carried this
on my handlebars,

so it kind of sloshedall to the right,

so you might need to...spruce it up.

Is that what it needs?

♪♪

Potluck!
Oh, yes. Come in.

You dressed up.

[ Chuckles ]

[ Indistinct conversations ]

Ooh.That's a healthy pour.

Mike couldn't be here,
so it's fi--

I don't --
I'm, like, cool with that.

It's just more that I feel like
I have to loosen up.

The good news is
that I'm really fun at parties.

I went
to this fundraiser,

and I got Bloomberg
to do the worm.

So...

[ Chuckles ]

A lot of people
were talking about it.

We just really want
to get our hands dirty.

You couldn't get
your hands dirty in New York?

Mm!

You can,
but it's more like,

"I just touched my handto a subway pole, rubbed my eye,

and now I've got pink eye"
kind of dirty.

Well, [Chuckles]I hope you find a husband here.

Yeah.Oh.
No, I-I'm married.

I...

Ohh. [ Chuckles ]Well...

Sure. Of course.
No.

Remember Father Time --
he clicks away.

Yeah.
Yeah.

I mean, you still look
very pretty,

but he's gonna
take that all away soon.

But that's
my sad story,

so, you --w-what's the deal with
you?

Why are you here
alone?

My boyfriend and I
just broke up.

[ Chuckles ]

Did you say "boyfriend"?

[ Chuckles ]
I love that.

You love it?
What does that mean?

I'm from New York.
I get it.

I-I'm an advocate.I march for your rights.

I spent Halloweens
in the Village.

You know, I was like --I'm surrounded by --

like, in collegeI had a whole stint --

dated a girl
for a long time.

Anyway, the point is, I'm notgonna treat you differently

than anyone else here.

Starting when?

♪♪

Oh.You know what I turn towhen I'm looking for answers?

Those two --

Theresa and Anjelica.

Uh, I'm so turned around,
I'll try anything.

Is borage or clover
a better cover crop for us?

[ Clucking lightly ]

What am I looking for?

Do they nod or scratch
or show me a hoof?

I think you may havelost your mind, Mike.

Y-You told me to --

I just meant
to watchthem.

They've got all the answers,don't they?

They just look like

a couple of weird,
codependent farm animals to me.

Bingo.

They don't belong together,but they make each other better.

You go be
with your wife.

Rudy, I would loveto go
with my wife to a potluck,

but it's not gonna rain,

and we don't have any money
to buy an irrigation system --

Can you make it rain?

No.

Can you make the windchange direction?

No.

What's the one thingyou cando?

Trust me. I live alonein a barn with a goatnamed after my ex-wife.

Go to the potluck.

[ Angelica clucking ]

Thank you.

Don't thank me.
Right.

Uh, thank you,
Anjelica and Theresa.

Again, they're animals.They do not speak English.

Mike, I'm starting tothink that you might bea little bit dense.

[ Theresa bleats ]

My cake is in the trash?

Aw, man.

Hey, honey.

Oh, you doinga little Dumpster diving?

Hi!
Mm.

You came.
You came.
Yeah.

Yeah, I'm so sorry.I should've come way sooner.

I got so wrapped upin the whole planting and --It's all right.
It's all right.

Beau: Mike! Welcome.

See you braved that storm
we're not having

to make it over
tonight.

There's a new thing
called the forecast

that all the farmers
are using these days.

[ Kay laughs ]Actually, Beau,

Mike has been
coming up with a new plan,

and it's gonna be
amazing.

Oh! 'Cause you learned
how to be a farmer

from two weeks
on the Internet.

I spent two weeks
on the Internet,

and I got blocked on Twitter
five times.

She got a bad mouth.

Hi, Jacob.

Hi.Beau:
Why don't you take a tip

from a guy
who's been part of a family

that's been doing it
for a hundred years?

[ Chuckles ]Quit now.

Go back to New York.

I'll take that farm
off your hands.

Thanks for the potluck.We're gonna take off.

No, no, no. Hang on.

It's true.

Mike may not have as much dirt
under his fingernails

as you, Beau,
but you don't have

a speck of the dirt
that Mike has in his heart.

Because no one
cares as much,

and no one tries as hard
as this man right here.

Thank you, hon.

I have seen this man
open a bottle of wine

with a pair of scissors.

I've seen this man
get a day-of brunch reservation

for eight people
at 11:30 a.m.

on a Sunday
of a three-day weekend!

This man
can do anything!

So you watch us
nail this farming thing.

And let me tell you
something else.

You want to talk about forecast,Beau? Let me...

Oh, yeah,
I think it's cloudy,

with a chance of us
kicking your ass.

[ Crowd gasps ]
Hey!
Excuse me?!

Just to be clear,that was metaphorical.

She's notthreatening violence.Well,
it wasn'tclear.

And excuse me, Kay.
This is a cake.

And it deserves to be
right here,

on the dessert table,
with all the other cakes,

'cause cake equality!

Cake equality?!

Not in myhouse!

[ Door closes ]That was awesome![ Laughs ]

That feltawesome!

I'm so sorry, sweetie.No, no, honey, I'msorry.

No, I-I-I am.I left you alone.

I just have all thispressure to make sureeverything's perfect

because I'm the one
who got fired,

it was myideato move out here, and --

You know what?
Huh?

Honestly, even if
it all just falls apart,

it's you and me,

and that--
that is all that matters.

Oh, honey.

Mm.

I don't know if you know this,but they opened up

a little Thai bistroin the Bowman barn.

That's so weird.

Yeah --
Oh!

Uh-huh.
Oh, Thai bistro.

Yeah, yeah.
I get it. Mm.

Okay, do you want it
mild or spicy?

Well, I like it spicy,but a-also mild would be fine,

'cause it's been
a really long day.

Okay, that's fair.
Yeah.

Aah! Cows!It's okay. It's okay.

T-They're behind the fence.
They're behind the fence.

[ Cows mooing ]

[ Gasps ]

Oh, cows, cows,
cows, cows, cows.

Ignore it.
Block them out.

[ Both moaning ]Okay.

Oh, yeah.

Let's do it.
You're so strong.

Okay, hold on.

You want to do
some weird barn sex?
Yeah!

This is like
"Animal Farm."

Ooh! Is that a --
I didn't read that.

Yeah.
[ Laughs ]

It's not that hot,but just go with it.

Oh, Mike.

[ Bull lows deeply ]

Mike. Mike.Oh, do I smell?

I know. I thought
we could push through.

[ Lows deeply ]

[ Whispering ]
There's a bull.

There's a bull --Don't look!There's a bull
behind me?

[ Snorts ]Is it doing this
with his hoofs?

'Cause that's when
they're gonna charge.

It's, like...frothing.

We gotta go.No, shh! Don't move![ Lows deeply ]

Oh, my gosh!
Aah!

Ohh![ Lows deeply ]

He just...
shot right out.[ Wood thuds ]

W-Why was he in here
by himself, do you think?

I do not know.

[ Huffing loudly ]Oh.

Oh, all right.
T-That's why.
Ohh.

Oh, dear. I think we got himall hot and bothered.

[ Lows loudly ]Ooh.
Oh, my goodness.

Girl.
Okay, he's --
now he's moving on to the next.

Yeah, I see that.It's a numbers games
for him.

Yikes.

Um...
this is not good.

Houston,
we have a problem.

Oh. Y--
That sounds right.

Before we begin,
I think apologies are in order.

Yes, we are sorry

that we tried
to make love in your barn

in such a way
that freed your bull

and caused it to make love
to all your cows.

Yeah.Uh, we feel terrible...

Terrible....that you had to...

it looks like,
fight it?

Most of the night,
yeah.

Okay.
Well...

But you got a lot offun Band-Aids going on there.

Uh, anyway...Yeah.

...we sincerely
apologize.

If it's any consolation,
I just want to say that,

for Mike and I,

it was a really important
night, and...

It was kind of a breakthrough,'cause we were

feelingpretty disconnected...Oh, good.

...'cause of the stress,I guess.Just to lessen the mood.

Miss Kay.
Okay.

Oh, um, I'm trying
to think of something

that weshould
apologize for.

I guess we should've offeredour bedroom for your lovemaking?

How about apologizing

for throwing their cake
in the trash?

I'm sorry.And talking trash?

[ Clears throat ]
Sorry.

All right. Doesn't everybody
feel a little better?

Yeah.
Okay,
now on to the damages.

You owe us $50,000.

I'm sorry -- what?

The Bowmans
sell bull semen to China.

I am a stud merchant!

That's right, and that bull's
"genetic material"

was supposed to be frozen

and on a slow boat to Beijing
this morning!

This morning![ Mug thuds ]

And as their attorney,
I can verify

they were due $50,000

upon delivery of the...
specimens.

I thoughtyou were
ourattorney.You're our attorney.

I'm the only lawyer
in Bucksnort.

I'm everyone'sattorney.

And I would advise you
to negotiate down to $40,000,

because I have a feeling that
they're going to agree to it.

Forty is fair.No! We don't have
$40,000.

[ Straining ]I'll see you in court, then.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Okay, okay, o-okay.W-Wait. Hold on.

Let's ju-- Hey, hey.All right, hold on a second.We don't have it.

I...

Do you wantto take our tractor?

Hmm.

Wait.

Well,Jacob's coming of age.

I guess we could use
an old beater

for him
to kick around in

until we geta new one under him.

Mm-hmm.

That baby's
got some years on her,[ Groaning ]

but I bet she could teach me
a thing or two,

if you know
what I mean, huh?

Shh! Jacob, no!

Rio: This is not okay.

We need the tractor
for Mike's plan.

Honey, we'll --we'll come up with a new plan.

Are you sure?

Yeah, we'll --we'll figure it out.

Constance:
Think we got a deal.

All right!Tractor? Yes!

I'll invoice you,
and, uh, this was pro bono.

Otherwise,
it's just too depressing.

Thank you.

[ Engine rumbling ]

[ Horn honks ]

You good, babe?

Yeah.

I mean, it kind of feelslike rock bottom,

but other than that --

Oh, you're a ways
from rock bottom.

I remember
when I lost mytractor.

I thought
everything was over.

Then I lost my wife.

Lost my farm.Thank you.

Trying to think if there's
anything else I lost.

Oh, yeah -- both parents,
two dogs.
Rudy...

Okay.
Okay.

Thank you so much.
Yeah.

Hello, Rudy.

Constance.

Why is your goat standingon my patrol...vehicle?

[ Snorts ]

She doesn't want you
to leave.

[ Theresa bleats ]

Either that
or you have cashews inside.

[ Bleats ]

[ Chuckles ]

Honey.
Yeah?

Look at Anjelica.

Do you see
what she's doing?

She's making and spreadingnutrient-rich organic material.

Poop?
No,I-I've read about this.

Okay.Okay, just imaginechickens
everywhere.

Right.
E-- E--Fertilizing everything.

Okay.
I-I think we could
bring the soil back

without having
a tractor.

I mean, it would takea lot more work,

and we would need
a ton of chickens.

I -- Chicke--
You want chickens?

I got chickens.
I have an i--

Yeah, let me --
I-I'll get you chickens.

♪ Someone told me long ago

♪ There's a calm
before the storm ♪

Oh.
Here we go.

Oh, boy.Hello. Welcome.

Wise person.One chicken
is fine for it.

So, do I just --
Yeah? Okay?Yeah.
Just give it a...

Oh, hon,you're a natural.[ Chickens clucking ]

Found this.
What do you think?Ooh!Okay!

Look at this.
Chicken for chicken?One for one, I suppose.

Does that feel fair?Yeah.

Yeah, I think
you'll really --You're gonna like that.

[ Thud ]
Oh.

Rio: Um...That's not --

Uh, no.
Just the one.

♪ Have you ever seen the rain?

Rio: Look at that.Beautiful.
Here we go.

A dozen dolls
for a dozen...Okay.

Shame to see those go.Dozen for a dozen.

You come visit them
anytime.But you're gonna
come visit. Okay.

Thank you, guys.All right, come on.

♪ I want to know [ Chickens clucking ]

♪ Have you ever seen the rain?

I think people gave us

their weirdest,
most demented chickens.

[ Chuckles ]

I like it.
It feels like us.

We're the crazy
chicken people now.

[ Chuckles ] Exactly.

I can live with that.[ Screams ]

[ Both screaming ]

I'm sorry.
They're from New York.

[ Laughs ]