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1
00:00:00,420 --> 00:00:03,620
♪♪
2
00:00:06,750 --> 00:00:09,170
You are not leaving this table
until you eat all of your
broccoli, young lady.
3
00:00:10,120 --> 00:00:12,120
Great. I've become my mother.
4
00:00:12,120 --> 00:00:14,040
Please, Emma,
do it for Daddy.
5
00:00:17,750 --> 00:00:20,620
Okay, how 'bout
just this one piece?
6
00:00:22,620 --> 00:00:24,460
Oh! Don't you
give me those eyes.
7
00:00:24,460 --> 00:00:26,710
I invented those eyes.
8
00:00:30,460 --> 00:00:33,120
We can do this
all night, sister. Okay?
9
00:00:33,120 --> 00:00:35,120
You're not leaving this table
until that plate is clean.
10
00:00:41,080 --> 00:00:43,040
Well played, Emma. Well played.
11
00:00:44,580 --> 00:00:46,750
(theme music playing)
12
00:00:46,750 --> 00:00:49,500
♪ It's amazing how
the unexpected ♪
13
00:00:49,500 --> 00:00:52,620
♪ Can take your life
and change direction ♪
14
00:00:56,290 --> 00:00:58,040
(dings)
15
00:00:58,040 --> 00:01:01,670
Well, pretty sure you're
the first guy to pass out
in a Lamaze class.
16
00:01:01,670 --> 00:01:03,580
You know, it's comforting
to know that during the birth,
17
00:01:03,580 --> 00:01:05,460
you'll be right
there by my side...
18
00:01:05,460 --> 00:01:07,540
unconscious.
19
00:01:07,540 --> 00:01:11,790
I'm sorry, but nobody told me
we were gonna see a video
of an actual birth.
20
00:01:11,790 --> 00:01:13,670
God, I hope I never
see that again!
21
00:01:15,210 --> 00:01:16,380
Maybe nobody noticed.
22
00:01:16,380 --> 00:01:18,170
Ha! Yeah, well, if they
didn't hear you snoring,
23
00:01:18,170 --> 00:01:19,290
they definitely
heard you giggle
24
00:01:19,290 --> 00:01:20,500
every time
the instructor said
25
00:01:20,500 --> 00:01:22,880
-"vagina."
-(giggles)
26
00:01:24,620 --> 00:01:27,170
Well, of course,
I thought you said "yogurt."
27
00:01:27,170 --> 00:01:30,040
I mean, why would I want to get
all sweaty and bendy with you?
28
00:01:31,380 --> 00:01:33,290
Oh, whoa!
29
00:01:33,290 --> 00:01:35,250
Is it just me or
are you twice as big
30
00:01:35,250 --> 00:01:36,420
as the last time I saw you?
31
00:01:38,170 --> 00:01:39,920
Well, I just came by
to make you an offer
32
00:01:39,920 --> 00:01:41,290
you can't refuse.
33
00:01:41,290 --> 00:01:42,960
So, it turns out
that Brad and I
34
00:01:42,960 --> 00:01:44,080
can't take that
cruise we booked,
35
00:01:44,080 --> 00:01:46,620
because one of us
committed a felony,
36
00:01:46,620 --> 00:01:47,830
and is in jail.
37
00:01:49,080 --> 00:01:51,580
My money was so
on you in that scenario.
38
00:01:52,750 --> 00:01:54,540
Well, the tickets
are nonrefundable,
39
00:01:54,540 --> 00:01:55,960
so, I thought
you might like to go.
40
00:01:55,960 --> 00:01:58,120
Oh my God, really?
A cruise?
41
00:01:58,120 --> 00:01:59,500
I've-- I've never been on one.
42
00:01:59,500 --> 00:02:01,710
-Mrs. Wheeler that's so amaze--
-Okay, shh.
43
00:02:03,420 --> 00:02:05,750
Not you and Danny.
44
00:02:05,750 --> 00:02:08,120
Me and Danny, okay?
45
00:02:08,120 --> 00:02:11,330
I mean, do you really want to
be seen in a bikini right now?
46
00:02:11,330 --> 00:02:13,710
Me thinks not.
47
00:02:13,710 --> 00:02:17,750
Plus, I thought it would
be a really fun mother/son
bonding trip.
48
00:02:17,750 --> 00:02:20,540
I mean, somebody never
lets us have any fun anymore.
49
00:02:23,670 --> 00:02:26,380
Oh, man, wow!
50
00:02:26,380 --> 00:02:28,330
Just wow, but--
51
00:02:28,330 --> 00:02:30,250
I don't know, Mom. I mean,
52
00:02:30,250 --> 00:02:32,290
we've been pretty busy with
these Lablahzery classes.
53
00:02:34,170 --> 00:02:36,250
Ah, Lamaze.
54
00:02:36,250 --> 00:02:37,790
The poor man's epidural.
55
00:02:40,540 --> 00:02:42,580
Yeah, but they're
super important to Riley.
56
00:02:42,580 --> 00:02:45,000
Oh, oh, you know, we're good.
It was a special.
57
00:02:45,000 --> 00:02:48,120
One and done.
We are 100% ready
to have this baby.
58
00:02:48,120 --> 00:02:50,380
Hey, Tucker, can I
talk to you for a second?
59
00:02:50,380 --> 00:02:52,540
I mean, I doubt it.
You're pretty long-winded.
60
00:02:54,120 --> 00:02:57,420
Danny, this cruise is
gonna be so much fun!
61
00:02:57,420 --> 00:02:59,420
You know, I took
a Lamaze class once.
62
00:02:59,420 --> 00:03:01,250
I got thrown out for
giggling every time
63
00:03:01,250 --> 00:03:03,210
the instructor said "vagina."
64
00:03:03,210 --> 00:03:04,420
(both laughing)
65
00:03:07,080 --> 00:03:08,710
(rhythmic breathing)
66
00:03:11,290 --> 00:03:13,380
Man, I thought you said
there would be hot chicks here.
67
00:03:13,380 --> 00:03:14,790
There are.
68
00:03:14,790 --> 00:03:16,420
They're just pregnant.
69
00:03:16,420 --> 00:03:18,040
(chimes)
70
00:03:19,580 --> 00:03:21,420
(grunts) Yeah.
71
00:03:23,790 --> 00:03:26,620
Oh my God. Oh my God!
My ex-girlfriend from
high school's over there!
72
00:03:26,620 --> 00:03:28,290
Crap!
She can't see me like this.
73
00:03:28,290 --> 00:03:30,380
She dumped me so hard in the
middle of cheerleading practice.
74
00:03:30,380 --> 00:03:31,670
Wow, that must've
been awkward.
75
00:03:31,670 --> 00:03:34,250
Yeah! Considering I was on
top of the pyramid at the time.
76
00:03:36,040 --> 00:03:38,580
I have been planning
my revenge moment for years.
77
00:03:38,580 --> 00:03:40,500
I mean, I'm supposed
to be living large right now!
78
00:03:40,500 --> 00:03:43,500
Not sitting on an old,
smelly pillow at the Y
with my fat, sweaty friend.
79
00:03:44,620 --> 00:03:45,790
I'm pregnant.
80
00:03:45,790 --> 00:03:47,420
Yeah, that's what I said.
Fat and sweaty.
81
00:03:48,960 --> 00:03:50,210
Tucker?
82
00:03:50,210 --> 00:03:51,460
Tucker Dobbs,
is that really you?
83
00:03:51,460 --> 00:03:53,080
Adrienne? Adrienne!
84
00:03:53,080 --> 00:03:55,750
Wow! What a--
What a small world!
85
00:03:55,750 --> 00:03:56,960
What-- What are you doing here?
86
00:03:56,960 --> 00:03:59,460
I'm guessing the same as you.
Having a baby!
87
00:03:59,460 --> 00:04:01,040
Oh, you must be Tucker's wife!
88
00:04:01,040 --> 00:04:02,250
-Oh, we're not--
-Into bragging.
89
00:04:02,250 --> 00:04:04,210
But! But this is--
90
00:04:04,210 --> 00:04:07,420
This is my smart,
beautiful, lawyer wife, Riley.
91
00:04:07,420 --> 00:04:09,580
(chuckles) She's a lawyer.
92
00:04:09,580 --> 00:04:11,460
She used to be a swimsuit model
before she got fat.
93
00:04:13,460 --> 00:04:16,670
Wow! Wow, and look at you
with-- with the husband.
94
00:04:16,670 --> 00:04:20,210
Oh, crazy, right?
This is my Joe.
95
00:04:20,210 --> 00:04:22,290
Joe, this is my old friend
from high school, Tucker.
96
00:04:22,290 --> 00:04:24,080
Kinda more than a friend.
97
00:04:24,080 --> 00:04:26,460
Oh! Were you that
cheerleader dude?
98
00:04:28,790 --> 00:04:30,040
Okay.
99
00:04:31,620 --> 00:04:34,120
Well, great catching up, right?
100
00:04:34,120 --> 00:04:36,170
Oh, what's the rush?
101
00:04:36,170 --> 00:04:37,960
You know,
we should have lunch,
102
00:04:37,960 --> 00:04:39,290
the four of us.
103
00:04:39,290 --> 00:04:40,790
I know we're free right now.
104
00:04:40,790 --> 00:04:43,710
Uh, yeah, if it's not
awkward, or any--
105
00:04:43,710 --> 00:04:46,000
Oh, no, that's okay.
I love awkward.
106
00:04:47,000 --> 00:04:48,380
Awkward can be fun.
107
00:04:51,120 --> 00:04:53,580
What do you mean Mom
is sending you and Riley
on a cruise?
108
00:04:53,580 --> 00:04:55,540
Why would she do that?
What's the catch?
109
00:04:55,540 --> 00:04:57,670
No catch.
She just thought
with the baby--
110
00:04:57,670 --> 00:05:00,830
Hey, I've had a kid for
over three years, and
what's she ever given me?
111
00:05:02,330 --> 00:05:05,210
Well, actually, she has been
kind of invaluable with Emma.
112
00:05:05,210 --> 00:05:06,540
But that's no cruise!
113
00:05:07,540 --> 00:05:09,080
What up, sons of bitches?
114
00:05:10,290 --> 00:05:13,170
That's right, I just
called myself a bitch.
115
00:05:13,170 --> 00:05:16,380
You know why?
Because I embrace my flaws.
116
00:05:16,380 --> 00:05:19,210
You see, boys, life is
about confidence, courage.
117
00:05:19,210 --> 00:05:21,120
And you know
what gives me courage?
118
00:05:21,120 --> 00:05:23,210
Booze, you got any?
119
00:05:23,210 --> 00:05:24,830
No, and I'm glad
you're here.
120
00:05:24,830 --> 00:05:26,580
Let's talk about
Mexico, shall we?
121
00:05:26,580 --> 00:05:29,210
Okay, I'll go first. I like it!
122
00:05:30,380 --> 00:05:31,750
I can't believe you
only thought about
123
00:05:31,750 --> 00:05:33,000
Danny for this vacation.
124
00:05:33,000 --> 00:05:34,540
I should get to go
on a cruise, too.
125
00:05:34,540 --> 00:05:36,120
Well, you know,
to be honest, sweetie,
126
00:05:36,120 --> 00:05:37,420
I didn't think
you'd be interested.
127
00:05:37,420 --> 00:05:38,460
Why not?
128
00:05:38,460 --> 00:05:40,670
I tan well,
I look great in shorts,
129
00:05:40,670 --> 00:05:42,920
and quite frankly, I've always
wanted to order a pink drink
130
00:05:42,920 --> 00:05:44,960
without feeling ashamed.
131
00:05:44,960 --> 00:05:47,000
Well, Ben, all you
had to do was ask
132
00:05:47,000 --> 00:05:49,380
if you wanted to spend
some alone time with your mom.
133
00:05:53,250 --> 00:05:56,580
I-I-I'm sorry. Did you just say
"alone time" with you?
134
00:05:58,210 --> 00:06:01,290
I cannot believe
that both my boys
135
00:06:01,290 --> 00:06:04,080
want to spend
a whole week with me.
136
00:06:04,080 --> 00:06:07,210
And to think, I almost gave
one of you up for adoption.
137
00:06:11,330 --> 00:06:13,290
You know what,
I'm being selfish.
138
00:06:13,290 --> 00:06:15,120
You asked Danny first.
He should go with you.
139
00:06:15,120 --> 00:06:17,080
Oh, no, no, no,
that's okay, dude.
140
00:06:17,080 --> 00:06:18,710
You deserve a rest.
You should go.
141
00:06:18,710 --> 00:06:20,670
No, no, no, you should go.
I insist.
142
00:06:20,670 --> 00:06:23,960
Oh, but you look
so good in shorts.
143
00:06:23,960 --> 00:06:27,500
All right, you two kids
fight it out amongst
yourselves and decide.
144
00:06:27,500 --> 00:06:30,120
I am going to the drugstore
to get some Band-Aids.
145
00:06:30,120 --> 00:06:32,580
I don't want my nipples
to get sunburnt.
146
00:06:36,170 --> 00:06:37,250
(door closes)
147
00:06:38,330 --> 00:06:39,670
You tricked me!
148
00:06:39,670 --> 00:06:41,670
Not as dumb as I think, huh?
149
00:06:43,750 --> 00:06:45,620
Don't you mean,
"Not as dumb as you think?"
150
00:06:45,620 --> 00:06:47,830
No, that doesn't
make sense at all.
151
00:06:49,170 --> 00:06:51,500
Fine, whatever.
You have declared war,
152
00:06:51,500 --> 00:06:54,580
so we shall settle this the way
all Wheeler gentlemen do.
153
00:06:54,580 --> 00:06:57,170
We go to battle.
Loser goes with Mom.
154
00:06:57,170 --> 00:07:00,000
I'm in, but what
are we gonna play?
155
00:07:00,000 --> 00:07:02,080
The customary challenge
would be Slaughter Ball,
156
00:07:02,080 --> 00:07:06,120
but local laws have now made it
illegal in the tri-state area.
157
00:07:06,120 --> 00:07:09,120
Might I suggest a
civilized game of Donkey Tail?
158
00:07:09,120 --> 00:07:11,500
Hmm, I'll allow it.
159
00:07:11,500 --> 00:07:13,580
But the ceremonial tail's
been missing
160
00:07:13,580 --> 00:07:15,170
since the great fire of '07.
161
00:07:15,170 --> 00:07:16,880
Oh, has it?
162
00:07:16,880 --> 00:07:18,750
Who's the ass?
You're the ass!
163
00:07:20,080 --> 00:07:21,250
Get back here!
164
00:07:23,750 --> 00:07:25,670
And that is how I ended up
165
00:07:25,670 --> 00:07:28,750
the executive producer
of a hit talk show.
166
00:07:28,750 --> 00:07:31,290
Did I mention I won a
New York Entertainment Award?
167
00:07:31,290 --> 00:07:33,500
Shockingly, no.
168
00:07:33,500 --> 00:07:35,540
I won a New York
Entertainment Award.
169
00:07:35,540 --> 00:07:37,250
-That's great, Tucker.
-Yeah.
170
00:07:37,250 --> 00:07:39,330
You did really
well for yourself.
171
00:07:39,330 --> 00:07:41,330
You know,
since we're bragging.
172
00:07:41,330 --> 00:07:43,000
-Was I bragging?
-A little.
173
00:07:44,500 --> 00:07:47,670
I was just voted
Graphic Designer of the Year.
174
00:07:47,670 --> 00:07:50,290
Wow! That is really impressive.
175
00:07:50,290 --> 00:07:52,750
Both real and impressive,
isn't it, Tucker?
176
00:07:52,750 --> 00:07:54,620
I mean, it's all right.
177
00:07:54,620 --> 00:07:57,210
I-- I was gonna keep
this is a secret, but...
178
00:07:57,210 --> 00:08:00,080
-I own this bar!
-(coughing)
179
00:08:00,080 --> 00:08:03,250
Right? I mean, sometimes
you just gotta burn off
all that cash, right?
180
00:08:03,250 --> 00:08:04,920
Man, it's tough being rich!
181
00:08:06,420 --> 00:08:08,210
-Money can't buy everything.
-No.
182
00:08:08,210 --> 00:08:09,790
Like the truth.
183
00:08:09,790 --> 00:08:11,710
Or silence, okay?
184
00:08:11,710 --> 00:08:13,210
Well-- Well,
this has been great.
185
00:08:13,210 --> 00:08:15,080
And it's been great
seeing you.
186
00:08:15,080 --> 00:08:17,540
Be sure to tell the old gang
how amazing I'm doing.
187
00:08:17,540 --> 00:08:20,540
Yeah, hey, hey, why make this
a one-time thing?
188
00:08:20,540 --> 00:08:22,460
We'd love a new couple friend.
189
00:08:22,460 --> 00:08:24,120
-Dinner tomorrow night?
-Seriously?
190
00:08:24,120 --> 00:08:26,670
-We're actually--
-Totally available.
191
00:08:26,670 --> 00:08:28,670
Come on, what do you say?
Same place?
192
00:08:28,670 --> 00:08:30,670
I mean, you do own the joint.
193
00:08:30,670 --> 00:08:33,210
I do, all right.
194
00:08:33,210 --> 00:08:34,420
-Yeah, all right.
-See ya.
195
00:08:34,420 --> 00:08:36,210
(muttering)
Really lookin' forward to it.
196
00:08:37,540 --> 00:08:39,920
-Why didn't you stop him?
-I don't know! I panicked!
197
00:08:39,920 --> 00:08:41,620
You're the one
who suggested lunch.
198
00:08:41,620 --> 00:08:43,250
Yeah, 'cause I thought
it would be hilarious
199
00:08:43,250 --> 00:08:45,210
to see you squirm
in front of your ex.
200
00:08:45,210 --> 00:08:47,790
Not because I wanted
to be dragged into
some weird production
201
00:08:47,790 --> 00:08:50,330
of Tucker Dobbs' Sad
Little House of Lies.
202
00:08:50,330 --> 00:08:52,330
It's a terrible play.
203
00:08:52,330 --> 00:08:54,380
Riley, come on!
204
00:08:56,830 --> 00:08:57,920
(yelps)
205
00:08:57,920 --> 00:09:00,670
Don't do that!
I thought you were Danny!
206
00:09:00,670 --> 00:09:02,170
You didn't see me.
207
00:09:11,000 --> 00:09:12,500
I'm hiding from Danny!
I'm hiding from Danny!
208
00:09:12,500 --> 00:09:13,830
Hiding from Danny.
Hiding from Danny.
209
00:09:13,830 --> 00:09:15,420
Hiding from Danny.
Hiding from Danny, hiding.
210
00:09:19,040 --> 00:09:20,790
Well, I guess
I'm done babysitting.
211
00:09:22,120 --> 00:09:23,710
Hello!
212
00:09:26,620 --> 00:09:28,580
All right, hey!
What do you say...
213
00:09:28,580 --> 00:09:30,080
we camp out in
Daddy's room tonight,
214
00:09:30,080 --> 00:09:32,210
that way we won't
run into Uncle Donkey.
It'll be fun!
215
00:09:32,210 --> 00:09:33,540
-(thuds)
-(screams)
216
00:09:33,540 --> 00:09:35,710
(grunts)
I'm comin' for ya,
little bro!
217
00:09:35,710 --> 00:09:37,540
Camping trip canceled!
218
00:09:37,540 --> 00:09:39,080
Running from Danny!
219
00:09:39,080 --> 00:09:41,080
Running from Danny! Running
from Danny! Running from Danny!
220
00:09:41,080 --> 00:09:42,830
Running from Danny!
Here.
221
00:09:42,830 --> 00:09:45,170
Talk to you later,
Flaskie. Hey.
222
00:09:45,170 --> 00:09:47,170
(screams)
223
00:09:47,170 --> 00:09:48,460
(shouts)
224
00:09:49,880 --> 00:09:51,710
-You're an ass!
-No, you're an ass!
225
00:09:54,330 --> 00:09:55,750
-(shouts)
-(whimpers)
226
00:09:59,210 --> 00:10:01,040
You're an ass!
227
00:10:05,120 --> 00:10:06,670
Ben:
Still the ass!
228
00:10:12,290 --> 00:10:13,540
Aw.
229
00:10:13,540 --> 00:10:16,790
Your dad has never lost
a game of Donkey Tail.
230
00:10:18,000 --> 00:10:20,670
That's probably not the
proud moment I think it is.
231
00:10:20,670 --> 00:10:22,790
Gimme a minute, and I'll
come up with something else.
232
00:10:25,290 --> 00:10:27,830
I still can't believe you lost
the donkey tail on the subway.
233
00:10:27,830 --> 00:10:30,080
They called me
"Donkey Boy," Ben.
234
00:10:30,080 --> 00:10:32,080
You know I don't do well
with name-calling!
235
00:10:33,250 --> 00:10:35,620
We need a new game.
How 'bout Dart Dodge?
236
00:10:35,620 --> 00:10:37,830
No! I still have a hole
behind my ear.
237
00:10:37,830 --> 00:10:39,210
Bottle Drop?
238
00:10:39,210 --> 00:10:41,120
No, I still have a slight
limp when it rains.
239
00:10:42,330 --> 00:10:43,790
(whistle trills)
240
00:10:43,790 --> 00:10:45,250
Flag on the play!
241
00:10:45,250 --> 00:10:47,210
I am officially
changing the game,
242
00:10:47,210 --> 00:10:49,460
since you two knuckleheads
can't settle it,
243
00:10:49,460 --> 00:10:52,380
and I know how much you both
want to go away with Mom.
244
00:10:52,380 --> 00:10:54,460
We do, Mom,
we really do.
245
00:10:54,460 --> 00:10:56,170
Yeah, Mom, we're dying to go.
246
00:10:56,170 --> 00:10:57,380
Dying.
247
00:10:57,380 --> 00:10:59,540
Well, then,
it's a good thing I came up
248
00:10:59,540 --> 00:11:02,460
with a little something
I like to call "Truth...
249
00:11:02,460 --> 00:11:05,080
or Mom-sequences."
250
00:11:05,080 --> 00:11:07,420
Let's see who knows me best!
251
00:11:07,420 --> 00:11:10,000
-Oh, crap!
-Oh, I so got this!
252
00:11:10,000 --> 00:11:13,170
All right, Ben, you honk
the horn if you know the answer.
253
00:11:13,170 --> 00:11:14,580
Danny, hit the bell.
254
00:11:14,580 --> 00:11:16,580
-(dings)
-When you know the answer.
255
00:11:16,580 --> 00:11:17,750
(dings)
256
00:11:17,750 --> 00:11:19,290
I didn't ask a question yet.
257
00:11:19,290 --> 00:11:20,080
-Got it.
-(dings)
258
00:11:20,080 --> 00:11:21,380
Okay, this--
259
00:11:24,080 --> 00:11:25,210
All right, here we go.
260
00:11:26,080 --> 00:11:27,330
What's my favorite--
261
00:11:27,330 --> 00:11:28,460
-(honks horn)
-Chardonnay!
262
00:11:28,460 --> 00:11:29,670
When did I go to jail?
263
00:11:29,670 --> 00:11:31,500
-(honks horn)
-'92, '96 and 2012.
264
00:11:31,500 --> 00:11:32,960
Where did your dad
and I conceive--
265
00:11:32,960 --> 00:11:34,830
-(honks horn)
-Back seat of the Pinto,
you were 17.
266
00:11:34,830 --> 00:11:37,120
-And wearing?
-A full leg cast!
267
00:11:37,120 --> 00:11:38,420
Where is Aunt Sylvia--
268
00:11:38,420 --> 00:11:40,040
Buried under the bridge
by the East River.
269
00:11:40,040 --> 00:11:41,080
How many aliases?
270
00:11:41,080 --> 00:11:43,710
Three aliases! Uh,
Brenda Wong, Barbara Wachowski,
271
00:11:43,710 --> 00:11:45,210
and, for some reason,
Bruce Winston.
272
00:11:45,210 --> 00:11:47,120
-Who are my--
-Archenemies!
273
00:11:47,120 --> 00:11:49,250
Tonya, the Schwarma Guy,
and Nana Lyle.
274
00:11:49,250 --> 00:11:51,710
-Who is my favorite--
-Danny! All day, every day!
275
00:11:51,710 --> 00:11:54,460
Yes! In a surprise twist,
Benji wins!
276
00:11:54,460 --> 00:11:56,540
Yes, I did it! Ha!
277
00:11:58,170 --> 00:12:00,170
I don't have to go
on that stupid cruise
278
00:12:00,170 --> 00:12:02,460
to stupid Mexico
with stupid Mom, you do!
279
00:12:05,170 --> 00:12:06,290
Oh, crap.
280
00:12:07,380 --> 00:12:09,420
Hey, Mom,
I didn't mean it...
281
00:12:11,040 --> 00:12:13,040
Mom, come on,
I was just joking!
282
00:12:15,420 --> 00:12:17,170
-(door closes)
-Uh-oh.
283
00:12:17,170 --> 00:12:19,540
No slam, you know
what that means.
284
00:12:19,540 --> 00:12:21,290
It's gonna be
a very long night.
285
00:12:26,330 --> 00:12:28,830
How do you know so much
about Mom anyway?
286
00:12:28,830 --> 00:12:31,080
How do you not?
She never shuts up.
287
00:12:37,290 --> 00:12:40,210
Oh! Hey, Riley. Wow.
288
00:12:40,210 --> 00:12:42,830
You know what? You really
do have that pregnancy glow.
289
00:12:42,830 --> 00:12:44,710
Aw, really?
290
00:12:44,710 --> 00:12:47,580
'Cause you have
that fake compliment glow.
291
00:12:47,580 --> 00:12:51,290
I am not going to dinner
with you and your incredibly
amazing ex, okay?
292
00:12:51,290 --> 00:12:53,790
I'm a lawyer.
I have to lie every day at work.
293
00:12:53,790 --> 00:12:56,290
I don't want to have to do it
in my real life.
294
00:12:56,290 --> 00:12:58,500
Come on, please!
295
00:12:58,500 --> 00:13:00,380
Look, if she finds out
I made everything up,
296
00:13:00,380 --> 00:13:02,540
she'll tell everyone
from high school.
297
00:13:02,540 --> 00:13:05,120
And once again,
I'll be Dorky Doody Dobbs.
298
00:13:06,540 --> 00:13:09,040
You'll always be
Dorky Doody Dobbs to me.
299
00:13:10,880 --> 00:13:12,210
Fine.
300
00:13:12,210 --> 00:13:16,120
I'll, um, I'll just tell Danny
you took me to Lamaze class.
301
00:13:16,120 --> 00:13:17,830
Oh, you wouldn't dare.
302
00:13:17,830 --> 00:13:19,120
Oh, I dare.
303
00:13:20,710 --> 00:13:22,460
-Danny!
-No.
304
00:13:22,460 --> 00:13:25,040
-Danny, I need to talk to you--
-Tucker and I are
having dinner tonight.
305
00:13:25,040 --> 00:13:26,290
That's what I thought.
306
00:13:28,000 --> 00:13:30,040
Hey, uh, do you want to come
have second breakfast with me?
307
00:13:31,540 --> 00:13:33,580
No can do.
Can't leave the couch.
308
00:13:33,580 --> 00:13:35,290
Mom locked herself
in Ben's room,
309
00:13:35,290 --> 00:13:36,540
and the first one
to leave the couch
310
00:13:36,540 --> 00:13:38,500
will be chastised
to a new level of shame
311
00:13:38,500 --> 00:13:39,920
if she comes out
and we're not here.
312
00:13:41,250 --> 00:13:43,500
A simple "no"
would have sufficed.
313
00:13:47,380 --> 00:13:50,210
It's clearly a gorilla
petting a cat.
314
00:13:51,580 --> 00:13:54,290
Dude, please, it's obviously
a penguin playing a ukulele.
315
00:13:55,880 --> 00:13:57,500
We should really
get the ceiling painted.
316
00:13:59,080 --> 00:14:01,080
She's never coming out,
is she?
317
00:14:01,080 --> 00:14:03,080
We should order
more pizza.
318
00:14:03,080 --> 00:14:05,210
And we need to get
our stories straight
before she comes out.
319
00:14:05,210 --> 00:14:07,210
-We need to stick together.
-(door opens)
320
00:14:07,210 --> 00:14:09,500
Oh, hey Mom! Remember
when I knew all that stuff
about you that Danny didn't?
321
00:14:09,500 --> 00:14:10,710
I love you!
322
00:14:11,830 --> 00:14:15,120
You know, I can't believe
I wasted my youth
323
00:14:15,120 --> 00:14:17,000
raising the two most ungrateful,
324
00:14:17,000 --> 00:14:20,250
mean, sorry excuses for sons
this world has ever seen.
325
00:14:20,250 --> 00:14:21,380
Would it have been
that traumatic
326
00:14:21,380 --> 00:14:23,170
to spend some time
alone with your mother?
327
00:14:23,170 --> 00:14:26,080
The one person, who spent
her life trying to make sure
328
00:14:26,080 --> 00:14:28,380
that you got to be
a professional hockey player,
329
00:14:28,380 --> 00:14:31,710
and you... the proud brother
of a professional hockey player.
330
00:14:33,080 --> 00:14:35,170
I have never been
this disappointed
331
00:14:35,170 --> 00:14:36,500
in my own flesh and blood,
and, trust me,
332
00:14:36,500 --> 00:14:39,420
I have had a lifetime
of disappointment from you both.
333
00:14:40,830 --> 00:14:42,170
Mom, we're so sorry.
334
00:14:42,170 --> 00:14:44,170
No, no, he's not,
but I am, Mom.
335
00:14:44,170 --> 00:14:45,920
I really am. I want to go
on that cruise with you.
336
00:14:45,920 --> 00:14:48,170
Yeah, well, I'm sorrier,
so I should go with you.
337
00:14:48,170 --> 00:14:49,420
No way! I'm going!
338
00:14:49,420 --> 00:14:50,540
Screw you! I'm going!
339
00:14:50,540 --> 00:14:52,080
What makes you think
she wants to go with you?
340
00:14:52,080 --> 00:14:53,750
Because we never
spend any time together!
341
00:14:53,750 --> 00:14:55,500
(arguing continues indistinctly)
342
00:14:55,500 --> 00:14:57,580
And I'm back
to being fought over.
343
00:14:57,580 --> 00:14:59,170
Order restored.
344
00:15:05,250 --> 00:15:07,920
Look... all you have to do
is sit through one dinner,
345
00:15:07,920 --> 00:15:09,380
and when they
call for another date,
346
00:15:09,380 --> 00:15:11,460
I will tell them I dumped you.
347
00:15:11,460 --> 00:15:13,380
Or better yet, you died.
348
00:15:13,380 --> 00:15:15,040
And you can waddle off
into the distance.
349
00:15:16,380 --> 00:15:18,210
Totally fine
with that, Doody.
350
00:15:19,750 --> 00:15:21,500
Oh, man, that gift
just keeps on giving.
351
00:15:23,000 --> 00:15:24,580
I can't believe
you did this to me!
352
00:15:24,580 --> 00:15:27,210
Hey, I thought it'd be
funny to see you squirm
in front of your ex.
353
00:15:27,210 --> 00:15:30,080
It wasn't my idea to lie
about being your husband.
354
00:15:30,080 --> 00:15:31,670
Well, I panicked!
355
00:15:31,670 --> 00:15:33,330
I couldn't tell him
you're a broke actor,
356
00:15:33,330 --> 00:15:36,210
and I'm a knocked-up
single woman who doesn't
even know who the father is.
357
00:15:36,210 --> 00:15:39,170
And now, thanks to you,
I have to tap dance
through another meal.
358
00:15:39,170 --> 00:15:43,330
Hey, if they ask us out again?
Feel free to say I dumped you.
359
00:15:43,330 --> 00:15:46,250
I'm going on that
cruise with Mom if it's
the last thing I do.
360
00:15:46,250 --> 00:15:47,670
Well, it will be
the last thing you do
361
00:15:47,670 --> 00:15:49,460
after the last thing
I do to you,
362
00:15:49,460 --> 00:15:51,790
which will render you
unable to do the last thing
you wanted to do.
363
00:15:51,790 --> 00:15:54,170
Good one, Danny.
364
00:15:54,170 --> 00:15:56,710
I didn't get it,
but I like your passion.
365
00:15:56,710 --> 00:15:58,670
I'm going with Mom!
I won the quiz.
366
00:15:58,670 --> 00:16:00,000
That shouldn't count.
367
00:16:00,000 --> 00:16:01,290
You were trying to win,
so you could lose,
368
00:16:01,290 --> 00:16:02,620
now we're trying to win,
so we can win!
369
00:16:02,620 --> 00:16:04,710
Ooh, you know, that one,
I actually got.
370
00:16:04,710 --> 00:16:06,830
Good job, Danny!
371
00:16:06,830 --> 00:16:09,750
You know, just once,
I wish you'd say,
"Good job, Danny" to me.
372
00:16:09,750 --> 00:16:12,330
Just try to come up
with a real competition
I can't win.
373
00:16:12,330 --> 00:16:14,080
Hey, can I vodka soda
with a twist?
374
00:16:14,080 --> 00:16:15,580
Yeah, sure thing.
375
00:16:19,500 --> 00:16:20,920
Boom!
376
00:16:20,920 --> 00:16:23,170
Bartending.
Now that, I can crush.
377
00:16:23,170 --> 00:16:24,580
What--
No, that's not even fair.
378
00:16:24,580 --> 00:16:26,540
Then back out now,
and let me go on the cruise.
379
00:16:26,540 --> 00:16:28,290
Oh, no. It's on!
380
00:16:28,290 --> 00:16:30,620
Whoever gets
the most tips at the end
of a half an hour, wins.
381
00:16:30,620 --> 00:16:32,120
Done.
382
00:16:32,120 --> 00:16:34,460
And I will stay impartial
by not tipping.
383
00:16:34,460 --> 00:16:35,710
Both:
You never tip!
384
00:16:37,250 --> 00:16:39,960
(women cheering)
385
00:16:50,170 --> 00:16:51,290
-(women cheer)
-(clatters)
386
00:16:53,580 --> 00:16:55,750
(women cheering loudly)
387
00:16:55,750 --> 00:16:57,380
Time! Danny wins!
388
00:16:57,380 --> 00:16:58,750
Damn it!
389
00:16:58,750 --> 00:17:01,620
You are going
on that cruise!
390
00:17:01,620 --> 00:17:03,420
Okay, well, I'm gonna
go home and start planning
391
00:17:03,420 --> 00:17:05,380
some fun couple things
to do in Mexico.
392
00:17:05,380 --> 00:17:08,170
Matching tats,
mother/son massages, oh!
393
00:17:08,170 --> 00:17:10,080
Oh, and by the way,
I just heard.
394
00:17:10,080 --> 00:17:11,250
We have to share a king.
395
00:17:11,250 --> 00:17:12,330
You're cool with that, right?
396
00:17:12,330 --> 00:17:14,000
(excited squeals)
397
00:17:15,830 --> 00:17:18,330
Ha! You thought you had it
in the bag, didn't you, bro?
398
00:17:18,330 --> 00:17:19,670
Yep. I'm crushed.
399
00:17:19,670 --> 00:17:22,040
Totally blindsided.
Have a great time with Mom.
400
00:17:22,040 --> 00:17:24,290
Wait.
You threw the competition?
401
00:17:24,290 --> 00:17:25,920
I didn't even have to!
402
00:17:25,920 --> 00:17:27,250
I knew that shirt
was coming off,
403
00:17:27,250 --> 00:17:28,750
like, two seconds in.
404
00:17:28,750 --> 00:17:30,580
Man, you can be
such a basic bitch.
405
00:17:31,670 --> 00:17:34,000
Wait, so you didn't ever
want to go away with Mom?
406
00:17:34,000 --> 00:17:36,460
I did for, like, a second,
but then I remembered,
407
00:17:36,460 --> 00:17:37,830
"Oh, yeah, it's Mom."
408
00:17:37,830 --> 00:17:39,880
But-- But that's cheating!
I didn't want to go either!
409
00:17:39,880 --> 00:17:42,120
Well, you should've
thought of that before
your whole strip show.
410
00:17:42,120 --> 00:17:44,080
No! No, no, no, no, no.
411
00:17:44,080 --> 00:17:46,620
Page three of the
Wheeler War Family Guide Book
412
00:17:46,620 --> 00:17:49,120
clearly states,
deceptive rules are
strictly forbidden.
413
00:17:49,120 --> 00:17:50,170
We're still in this.
414
00:17:50,170 --> 00:17:52,170
Damn it, I wrote that book
to confuse you.
415
00:17:52,170 --> 00:17:54,170
I didn't think you'd
actually read it.
416
00:17:54,170 --> 00:17:55,460
Fine, whatever, your pick.
417
00:17:55,460 --> 00:17:57,330
Loser goes with Mom,
and there's no way I'm losing.
418
00:17:57,330 --> 00:17:58,540
What's it gonna be?
419
00:17:58,540 --> 00:18:00,380
Oh... I dunno.
420
00:18:00,380 --> 00:18:02,000
-Five Minute Tag,
you're it!
-Damn!
421
00:18:03,290 --> 00:18:04,880
What was that all about?
422
00:18:04,880 --> 00:18:07,500
No idea. (clears throat)
423
00:18:07,500 --> 00:18:09,080
Well, this was fun, right?
424
00:18:09,080 --> 00:18:10,830
Let-- Let's do this
again sometime, yeah?
425
00:18:10,830 --> 00:18:12,580
We haven't even ordered yet.
426
00:18:12,580 --> 00:18:14,380
The service here sucks.
427
00:18:14,380 --> 00:18:15,920
Actually, so does the food.
428
00:18:15,920 --> 00:18:17,170
Isn't this your bar?
429
00:18:18,420 --> 00:18:19,620
It is.
430
00:18:19,620 --> 00:18:22,420
-You're fired.
-(scoffing)
431
00:18:24,330 --> 00:18:25,920
You know, Tucker,
432
00:18:25,920 --> 00:18:28,790
it is so interesting how
you managed to open up a bar,
433
00:18:28,790 --> 00:18:31,170
become an executive
producer of a hit TV show,
434
00:18:31,170 --> 00:18:34,330
and still be a reserve
for the Navy SEALs.
435
00:18:34,330 --> 00:18:37,000
Tell me again how you made
all... that happen.
436
00:18:39,620 --> 00:18:41,120
Well, I--
437
00:18:41,120 --> 00:18:44,540
I-- I couldn't do it
without the help
of my beautiful wife.
438
00:18:45,710 --> 00:18:47,210
Help, beautiful wife.
439
00:18:48,620 --> 00:18:50,540
-(both muttering)
-Girl, you better help me.
440
00:18:50,540 --> 00:18:52,040
-Are you serious?
-Come on, please help me.
441
00:18:52,040 --> 00:18:53,420
-I'm not helping.
-You better help me.
442
00:18:57,210 --> 00:18:58,380
Oh my gosh, I--
443
00:18:58,380 --> 00:19:00,080
I can't believe that
thing's happening over there!
444
00:19:01,880 --> 00:19:04,250
(shrieks) Oh no!
My water just broke!
445
00:19:04,250 --> 00:19:06,040
I think the baby is coming!
446
00:19:06,040 --> 00:19:07,620
-Really? Now?
-Uh-huh.
447
00:19:07,620 --> 00:19:09,040
Yes! Yes, it is!
448
00:19:09,040 --> 00:19:10,330
The-- the baby is
coming, so-- so,
449
00:19:10,330 --> 00:19:12,040
so, we will
obviously have to go.
450
00:19:12,040 --> 00:19:13,580
Talk soon...
or not.
451
00:19:13,580 --> 00:19:15,580
Everybody stand back,
she's having a baby!
452
00:19:15,580 --> 00:19:17,380
Wait. You're having
our baby now?
453
00:19:17,380 --> 00:19:19,040
-Danny, hey!
-His baby?
454
00:19:19,040 --> 00:19:20,790
Oh, we got to get
you to the hospital!
455
00:19:20,790 --> 00:19:23,000
-You're it!
-Aw, dang it!
456
00:19:23,000 --> 00:19:25,960
Boom. Game over.
I win. You lose.
457
00:19:25,960 --> 00:19:28,170
You have to go
on the cruise. Ha!
458
00:19:29,080 --> 00:19:30,420
Drinks on me.
459
00:19:31,750 --> 00:19:33,620
Well, just you two.
Let's not get crazy!
460
00:19:35,500 --> 00:19:37,290
Tucker, what the hell
is going on here?
461
00:19:37,290 --> 00:19:39,170
Oh, I-I'll tell you
what's going on here.
462
00:19:39,170 --> 00:19:41,170
He's a bigger liar
than you are.
463
00:19:41,170 --> 00:19:43,920
No, I can explain--
Wait. What?
464
00:19:43,920 --> 00:19:45,170
What--
What did you lie about?
465
00:19:47,250 --> 00:19:49,460
Everything.
I'm not her husband.
466
00:19:49,460 --> 00:19:51,920
She doesn't even know
who the father of the baby is,
467
00:19:51,920 --> 00:19:53,620
and I'm just trying
to hook up with her sister.
468
00:19:54,830 --> 00:19:56,460
Is that true?
469
00:19:56,460 --> 00:19:58,290
Yeah, my sister's really hot.
470
00:19:58,290 --> 00:20:01,500
No... look,
why did you lie?
471
00:20:04,330 --> 00:20:07,330
Because I'm a...
pregnant, single girl
472
00:20:07,330 --> 00:20:09,880
who saw her
ex-boyfriend and panicked.
473
00:20:09,880 --> 00:20:13,210
I mean, now that I know that
you're just as much of a loser
when it comes to love...
474
00:20:13,210 --> 00:20:15,920
maybe there's a reason
we found each other again.
475
00:20:15,920 --> 00:20:17,750
Maybe we could
give it another shot.
476
00:20:19,830 --> 00:20:20,880
Wow.
477
00:20:22,170 --> 00:20:23,790
That is really messed up.
478
00:20:25,210 --> 00:20:26,750
That guy is our "manny,"
479
00:20:26,750 --> 00:20:29,290
and was hired for
just this type of emergency.
480
00:20:29,290 --> 00:20:31,210
Riley and I are
very much in love,
481
00:20:31,210 --> 00:20:32,380
and very happily married.
482
00:20:32,380 --> 00:20:33,750
Now, if you will excuse me,
483
00:20:33,750 --> 00:20:35,960
I need to go witness
the birth of my first child.
484
00:20:37,210 --> 00:20:39,670
Honestly, Adrienne, I...
485
00:20:39,670 --> 00:20:41,040
I can't believe you.
486
00:20:42,540 --> 00:20:44,580
I just can't--
I just can't believe you.
487
00:20:48,830 --> 00:20:50,210
Sound the chimes!
488
00:20:50,210 --> 00:20:53,250
This Bonnie voyage
is about to take off.
489
00:20:53,250 --> 00:20:54,380
No need to rub it in, Mom.
490
00:20:54,380 --> 00:20:56,880
I'm already super depressed
I can't go with you.
491
00:20:56,880 --> 00:20:58,710
Super depressed.
This is all an act.
492
00:20:58,710 --> 00:21:00,380
I'm actually crying
on the inside.
493
00:21:00,380 --> 00:21:04,250
Well, actually, Benji, I felt
so terrible about what happened
494
00:21:04,250 --> 00:21:07,000
that I gave both tickets
to Danny and Riley.
495
00:21:07,000 --> 00:21:08,620
I'm gonna spend the week here.
496
00:21:08,620 --> 00:21:09,960
With you.
497
00:21:09,960 --> 00:21:10,960
Uh-oh.
498
00:21:12,830 --> 00:21:14,620
Oh! Oh, look at this.
499
00:21:14,620 --> 00:21:18,120
Look at how happy
I made your daddy!
500
00:21:18,120 --> 00:21:20,580
Oh, he's crying with joy!
501
00:21:20,580 --> 00:21:22,290
-No, I'm not!
-Yes, you are.
502
00:21:22,290 --> 00:21:23,960
It is joy.
35607
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