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These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:01:43,854 --> 00:01:46,857 On Sunday, August 13, 1961... 2 00:01:47,024 --> 00:01:49,610 the eyes of America were on the nation's capital... 3 00:01:49,735 --> 00:01:53,322 where Roger Maris was hitting home runs number 44 and 45... 4 00:01:53,405 --> 00:01:54,824 against the Senators. 5 00:01:54,907 --> 00:01:56,992 On that same day, without any warning... 6 00:01:57,076 --> 00:01:59,328 the East German Communists sealed off the border... 7 00:01:59,411 --> 00:02:02,206 between East and West Berlin. 8 00:02:02,248 --> 00:02:03,415 I only mention this... 9 00:02:03,499 --> 00:02:05,668 to show the kind of people we're dealing with... 10 00:02:05,751 --> 00:02:07,920 Real shifty. 11 00:02:08,003 --> 00:02:10,506 Having been stationed in Berlin and having dealt with them... 12 00:02:10,589 --> 00:02:12,091 I know what I'm talking about. 13 00:02:12,925 --> 00:02:14,760 Let's go back to last June. 14 00:02:14,844 --> 00:02:17,638 Considering the abnormal situation of a divided city... 15 00:02:17,721 --> 00:02:20,057 life in Berlin was more or less normal. 16 00:02:20,099 --> 00:02:22,351 Traffic flowed freely through the Brandenburg Gate... 17 00:02:22,434 --> 00:02:23,686 and it wasn't really too much trouble... 18 00:02:23,769 --> 00:02:25,437 to pass from one side of the Iron Curtain... 19 00:02:25,479 --> 00:02:26,689 to the other. 20 00:02:26,730 --> 00:02:29,567 Some of the East German police were rude and suspicious. 21 00:02:29,650 --> 00:02:31,944 Others were suspicious and rude. 22 00:02:32,027 --> 00:02:34,530 The eastern sector, under Communist domination... 23 00:02:34,572 --> 00:02:36,073 was still in rubble... 24 00:02:36,115 --> 00:02:38,492 but the people went about their daily business... 25 00:02:38,576 --> 00:02:39,743 parading. 26 00:03:32,171 --> 00:03:33,756 These constant provocations... 27 00:03:33,839 --> 00:03:36,091 failed to provoke the West Berliners. 28 00:03:36,175 --> 00:03:37,760 They were too busy rebuilding. 29 00:03:38,928 --> 00:03:41,597 The western sector, under Allied protection... 30 00:03:41,639 --> 00:03:43,557 was peaceful, prosperous... 31 00:03:43,599 --> 00:03:46,310 and enjoyed all the blessings of democracy. 32 00:03:50,648 --> 00:03:51,982 Just by coincidence... 33 00:03:52,066 --> 00:03:54,276 this happens to be the company I work for. 34 00:04:11,585 --> 00:04:12,920 Danke schön. 35 00:04:20,928 --> 00:04:22,137 Danke schön, Fritz. 36 00:04:29,645 --> 00:04:31,230 Danke schön. 37 00:04:43,367 --> 00:04:45,661 Danke schön already. 38 00:04:54,295 --> 00:04:55,754 Sitzen machen. 39 00:05:05,306 --> 00:05:07,099 Schlemmer! 40 00:05:11,228 --> 00:05:12,730 Good morning, Mr. MacNamara. 41 00:05:13,856 --> 00:05:15,441 Schlemmer, how many times have I told you... 42 00:05:15,524 --> 00:05:16,900 I don't want those people standing at attention... 43 00:05:16,984 --> 00:05:18,277 every time I come into the office. 44 00:05:18,360 --> 00:05:21,530 I know. I've given strict orders. 45 00:05:21,572 --> 00:05:23,741 Can't they get it through their Prussian heads? 46 00:05:23,782 --> 00:05:25,075 They're living in a democracy now. 47 00:05:25,159 --> 00:05:26,452 That is the trouble. 48 00:05:26,535 --> 00:05:27,995 In the old days, if I ordered them to sit... 49 00:05:28,078 --> 00:05:29,121 they would sit. 50 00:05:29,204 --> 00:05:30,956 Now with a democracy, they do what they want. 51 00:05:31,040 --> 00:05:32,249 What they want is to stand. 52 00:05:32,291 --> 00:05:33,917 Next, any word yet from the mayor's office? 53 00:05:34,001 --> 00:05:35,169 Yes, sir. Negative. 54 00:05:35,252 --> 00:05:36,420 They absolutely will not permit us... 55 00:05:36,462 --> 00:05:38,213 to install a Coke machine in the Reichstag. 56 00:05:38,255 --> 00:05:40,090 Sometimes I wonder who won the war. 57 00:05:40,132 --> 00:05:41,300 Next, did you pick up those airline tickets... 58 00:05:41,383 --> 00:05:42,384 for my wife and children? 59 00:05:42,426 --> 00:05:43,969 Yes, sir. Positive. 60 00:05:44,053 --> 00:05:45,637 Three seats on a 6:00 plane to Venice. 61 00:05:45,721 --> 00:05:46,722 They change in Frankfurt. 62 00:05:46,764 --> 00:05:47,723 That reminds me. 63 00:05:47,765 --> 00:05:48,891 Call the Frankfurt plant and have them ship us... 64 00:05:48,932 --> 00:05:50,309 another 100,000 bottles. 65 00:05:50,392 --> 00:05:52,478 People keep smuggling Cokes into the eastern sector... 66 00:05:52,561 --> 00:05:53,479 and not returning the empties. 67 00:05:53,562 --> 00:05:54,563 Yes, sir. 68 00:05:54,646 --> 00:05:56,273 Next, I'm expecting the Russian Trade Commission at 10:30. 69 00:05:56,357 --> 00:05:57,441 When they get here, show them right in. 70 00:05:57,524 --> 00:05:58,442 Yes, sir. 71 00:05:58,525 --> 00:05:59,568 Next. Schlemmer, you're fired. 72 00:05:59,651 --> 00:06:00,569 Sir? 73 00:06:00,652 --> 00:06:02,571 Unless you stop clicking your heels around here! 74 00:06:02,654 --> 00:06:05,407 Yes, sir. Oh, I'm sorry. I keep forgetting myself. 75 00:06:05,449 --> 00:06:06,784 That old Gestapo training, huh? 76 00:06:06,867 --> 00:06:08,660 Please, Mr. MacNamara. You mustn't say that. 77 00:06:08,744 --> 00:06:09,661 It is not true. 78 00:06:09,745 --> 00:06:12,081 Just between us, Schlemmer, what did you do during the war? 79 00:06:12,122 --> 00:06:13,290 I was in der untergrund... 80 00:06:13,374 --> 00:06:14,291 The underground. 81 00:06:14,375 --> 00:06:15,292 Resistance fighter? 82 00:06:15,376 --> 00:06:16,668 No. Motorman. In the underground. 83 00:06:16,752 --> 00:06:17,711 You know, the subway. 84 00:06:17,753 --> 00:06:19,797 Of course, you were anti-Nazi, and you never liked Adolf. 85 00:06:19,880 --> 00:06:21,090 Adolf who? 86 00:06:21,173 --> 00:06:22,466 You see, down where I was... 87 00:06:22,549 --> 00:06:23,884 I didn't know what was going on out there... 88 00:06:23,926 --> 00:06:25,344 and nobody ever told me anything. 89 00:06:25,427 --> 00:06:26,637 That'll be all, Schlemmer. 90 00:06:26,720 --> 00:06:28,097 Herausmachen! 91 00:06:57,000 --> 00:06:58,252 Guten Morgen, MacNamara. 92 00:06:58,293 --> 00:07:00,295 And a guten Morgen to you, Fräulein Ingeborg. 93 00:07:00,379 --> 00:07:01,296 It is not "frow-line." 94 00:07:01,380 --> 00:07:04,049 It is "froy-line" with an umlaut. 95 00:07:04,091 --> 00:07:06,468 I'll say. Monthly report. 96 00:07:06,552 --> 00:07:09,054 To Wendell P. Hazeltine, home office, Atlanta, Georgia. 97 00:07:09,096 --> 00:07:11,640 From C.R. MacNamara, Berlin branch. 98 00:07:11,723 --> 00:07:12,891 Production figures were made. 99 00:07:12,933 --> 00:07:14,935 270,000 cases. 100 00:07:15,018 --> 00:07:18,230 Consumption per capita now 5.2% above last year. 101 00:07:18,313 --> 00:07:20,274 Outselling Rhine wine eight to one. 102 00:07:20,357 --> 00:07:22,568 Rapidly creeping up on draft beer. 103 00:07:22,609 --> 00:07:24,445 Next, publicity campaign... 104 00:07:24,528 --> 00:07:27,448 to reorient German businessmen's lunch succeeding. 105 00:07:27,531 --> 00:07:30,617 27% now having Coke with their knackwurst. 106 00:07:30,701 --> 00:07:33,036 Now, here's a real hot flash. 107 00:07:33,078 --> 00:07:35,414 We may become the first American company... 108 00:07:35,456 --> 00:07:37,124 to crack the Iron Curtain. 109 00:07:37,207 --> 00:07:39,251 I have started preliminary negotiations... 110 00:07:39,293 --> 00:07:40,794 with a Russian representative. 111 00:07:40,878 --> 00:07:43,172 It looks most promising. More later. 112 00:07:43,255 --> 00:07:44,256 Next... 113 00:07:45,132 --> 00:07:46,717 what did you do over the weekend? 114 00:07:46,758 --> 00:07:48,594 Nothing. I stayed home waiting for you. 115 00:07:48,677 --> 00:07:49,761 I tried to make it, believe me. 116 00:07:49,845 --> 00:07:51,096 I just couldn't get away... 117 00:07:51,180 --> 00:07:53,807 but there's good news tonight. 118 00:07:53,891 --> 00:07:56,268 Yes? Mrs. MacNamara? 119 00:07:56,351 --> 00:07:57,519 Put her on. 120 00:07:58,645 --> 00:08:00,689 Yes, Phyllis. What's the matter? 121 00:08:00,731 --> 00:08:02,900 It's Tommy. We're having a little crisis here. 122 00:08:02,941 --> 00:08:04,776 Why don't you talk to him? 123 00:08:04,860 --> 00:08:06,904 Tommy, your father's on the phone. 124 00:08:08,572 --> 00:08:10,616 Hello, Dad. Nothing. 125 00:08:10,699 --> 00:08:12,493 It's just that Mother's ganging up on me. 126 00:08:12,576 --> 00:08:14,161 What do you mean by that? 127 00:08:14,244 --> 00:08:16,038 I think your mother's absolutely right. 128 00:08:16,079 --> 00:08:17,289 It's silly to pack them. 129 00:08:17,372 --> 00:08:18,707 What are you going to do with roller skates in Venice? 130 00:08:18,749 --> 00:08:19,917 All the streets are underwater. 131 00:08:19,958 --> 00:08:23,921 So what? I'm taking my aqualung and my snorkel. 132 00:08:23,962 --> 00:08:26,798 Here. Your husband wants to talk to you. 133 00:08:30,469 --> 00:08:31,470 Yes, Mac? 134 00:08:31,595 --> 00:08:33,889 Look, Phyllis. Let him pack what he wants. 135 00:08:33,931 --> 00:08:35,474 All right. So I'm spoiling him. 136 00:08:35,557 --> 00:08:36,475 Big deal. 137 00:08:36,558 --> 00:08:37,476 Don't worry. 138 00:08:37,559 --> 00:08:38,477 The car will be there at 5:00. 139 00:08:38,560 --> 00:08:39,478 Then you'll pick me up at the office... 140 00:08:39,561 --> 00:08:40,687 and I'll take you to the airport. 141 00:08:40,729 --> 00:08:42,231 Yes, mein Führer. 142 00:08:42,314 --> 00:08:43,398 Bertha wants to know what you'd like... 143 00:08:43,440 --> 00:08:44,775 to have for dinner tonight. 144 00:08:44,858 --> 00:08:45,817 Oh, tell her not to bother. 145 00:08:45,901 --> 00:08:46,902 I've got a desk full of work. 146 00:08:46,985 --> 00:08:48,570 I'll just grab a quick bite somewhere. 147 00:08:48,654 --> 00:08:49,655 So long, dear. 148 00:08:50,364 --> 00:08:52,115 Like I said, good news. 149 00:08:52,199 --> 00:08:53,617 Your wife. She's making a trip? 150 00:08:53,700 --> 00:08:54,743 Is she ever. 151 00:08:54,826 --> 00:08:56,370 Going on vacation mit die Kinder. 152 00:08:56,411 --> 00:08:57,412 Ach so. 153 00:08:57,454 --> 00:08:58,705 So tonight, we'll split a schnitzel... 154 00:08:58,747 --> 00:09:00,332 and start on the German lessons again. 155 00:09:00,415 --> 00:09:02,125 We should. You must be getting rusty. 156 00:09:02,209 --> 00:09:04,253 We'll just have to work at it twice as hard from now on. 157 00:09:04,294 --> 00:09:05,254 Das ist gut? 158 00:09:05,295 --> 00:09:06,255 Sehr gut. 159 00:09:06,296 --> 00:09:09,132 And the first thing we're gonna do is brush up on the umlaut. 160 00:09:09,216 --> 00:09:12,928 Das ist wunderbar. 161 00:09:12,970 --> 00:09:16,348 Like all the lilacs in Lower Bavaria. 162 00:09:18,100 --> 00:09:20,060 The Communist gentlemen are here. 163 00:09:20,102 --> 00:09:21,061 Send them in. 164 00:09:21,103 --> 00:09:22,479 That'll be all, Fräulein Ingeborg. 165 00:09:22,521 --> 00:09:24,064 Put that on the teletype to Atlanta. 166 00:09:24,147 --> 00:09:25,107 Jawohl. 167 00:09:25,190 --> 00:09:26,275 And take your gum. 168 00:09:26,358 --> 00:09:27,401 Jawohl. 169 00:09:34,366 --> 00:09:35,742 Nice to see you again, Comrade Mishkin. 170 00:09:35,826 --> 00:09:36,994 Hey, Mishkin. 171 00:09:37,077 --> 00:09:38,829 Ah, Mr. MacNamara... 172 00:09:38,912 --> 00:09:41,206 I would like to present Commissar Peripetchikoff... 173 00:09:41,248 --> 00:09:42,833 Chairman of our Trade Commission... 174 00:09:42,916 --> 00:09:43,917 and Comrade Borodenko... 175 00:09:43,959 --> 00:09:46,253 from the Soft Drinks Secretariat. 176 00:09:46,295 --> 00:09:48,088 Sit down. 177 00:09:48,171 --> 00:09:49,256 Sit down, boys. 178 00:09:49,298 --> 00:09:50,966 We have no objection. 179 00:09:51,049 --> 00:09:52,175 Cigarettes? Cigars? 180 00:09:52,259 --> 00:09:53,468 Here. Take one of these. 181 00:09:53,552 --> 00:09:54,636 Thanks. 182 00:09:55,345 --> 00:09:56,263 Made in Havana. 183 00:09:56,346 --> 00:09:58,140 We have trade agreement with Cuba. 184 00:09:58,223 --> 00:10:00,100 They send us cigars, we send them rockets. 185 00:10:00,183 --> 00:10:01,268 Good thinking. 186 00:10:01,351 --> 00:10:02,394 Now, I understand from Comrade Mishkin... 187 00:10:02,436 --> 00:10:03,562 that you guys are very keen... 188 00:10:03,687 --> 00:10:05,105 on getting Coca-Cola into Russia. 189 00:10:05,188 --> 00:10:06,565 He is totally wrong. 190 00:10:06,648 --> 00:10:07,983 I did not say we are keen. 191 00:10:08,066 --> 00:10:10,235 I said we are mildly interested. 192 00:10:10,319 --> 00:10:11,528 Nevertheless... 193 00:10:13,363 --> 00:10:15,574 Comrade Mishkin suggested we start with 6 bottling plants... 194 00:10:15,616 --> 00:10:18,410 Moscow, Leningrad, Stalingrad, Kiev... 195 00:10:20,412 --> 00:10:22,247 You know something? You guys got cheated. 196 00:10:22,289 --> 00:10:23,582 This is a pretty crummy cigar. 197 00:10:23,624 --> 00:10:25,083 Do not worry. 198 00:10:25,125 --> 00:10:27,586 We send them pretty crummy rockets. 199 00:10:32,424 --> 00:10:34,593 As I was saying, six plants... 200 00:10:34,676 --> 00:10:36,553 Moscow, Leningrad, Stalingrad... 201 00:10:36,595 --> 00:10:38,305 Kiev, Kharkov, and Minsk, right? 202 00:10:38,388 --> 00:10:39,389 Totally wrong. 203 00:10:39,431 --> 00:10:40,432 I never mentioned Minsk. 204 00:10:40,515 --> 00:10:41,600 I said Pinsk. 205 00:10:41,683 --> 00:10:43,685 All right. Pinsk is in. Minsk is out. 206 00:10:43,769 --> 00:10:46,229 Next, our contract will contain the usual provisions. 207 00:10:46,271 --> 00:10:48,023 We supply the syrup, you do the bottling. 208 00:10:48,065 --> 00:10:49,024 Certainly not. 209 00:10:49,066 --> 00:10:52,194 We make our own syrup. You supply the formula. 210 00:10:52,235 --> 00:10:53,487 Forget it, gentlemen. 211 00:10:53,570 --> 00:10:54,863 That formula stays in our vaults. 212 00:10:54,905 --> 00:10:56,281 We give it to you, first thing we know... 213 00:10:56,365 --> 00:10:57,741 the Chinese Communists will have it. 214 00:10:57,824 --> 00:11:00,744 No formula, no deal. 215 00:11:00,827 --> 00:11:02,371 OK. No deal. 216 00:11:02,412 --> 00:11:03,914 We do not need you. 217 00:11:03,955 --> 00:11:06,541 If we want Coca-Cola, we invent it ourselves. 218 00:11:06,583 --> 00:11:07,542 Oh, yeah? 219 00:11:07,584 --> 00:11:09,586 In 1956, you flew a bottle of Coke... 220 00:11:09,628 --> 00:11:11,838 to a secret laboratory in Sverdlovsk. 221 00:11:11,922 --> 00:11:12,923 A dozen of your top chemists... 222 00:11:12,964 --> 00:11:15,550 went nuts trying to analyze the ingredients, right? 223 00:11:15,592 --> 00:11:16,760 No comment. 224 00:11:16,843 --> 00:11:19,221 And in 1958, you planted two undercover agents... 225 00:11:19,262 --> 00:11:21,765 in our home office in Atlanta to steal the formula... 226 00:11:21,848 --> 00:11:22,808 and what happened? 227 00:11:22,891 --> 00:11:24,101 They both defected... 228 00:11:24,142 --> 00:11:26,103 and now they're successful businessmen in Florida... 229 00:11:26,144 --> 00:11:28,480 packaging instant borscht, right? 230 00:11:28,563 --> 00:11:29,815 No comment. 231 00:11:29,898 --> 00:11:31,858 Last year, you put out a cockamamie imitation... 232 00:11:31,900 --> 00:11:33,402 Kremlin Cola. 233 00:11:33,485 --> 00:11:34,903 You tried it out in the satellite countries... 234 00:11:34,986 --> 00:11:36,822 but even the Albanians wouldn't drink it. 235 00:11:36,905 --> 00:11:39,491 They used it for sheep-dip, right? 236 00:11:39,574 --> 00:11:40,784 No comment. 237 00:11:40,867 --> 00:11:43,829 So either get down to business or get off the pot. 238 00:11:43,912 --> 00:11:45,539 My dear American friend... 239 00:11:45,580 --> 00:11:48,250 if we are to live together in peaceful coexistence... 240 00:11:48,333 --> 00:11:50,377 there must be a certain amount of give-and-take. 241 00:11:50,419 --> 00:11:52,003 Oh, sure. We give, and you take. 242 00:11:52,087 --> 00:11:53,880 What is the matter? You do not trust us? 243 00:11:54,923 --> 00:11:56,133 No comment. 244 00:11:56,216 --> 00:11:59,219 If you do not mind, we'll have a little conference. 245 00:11:59,261 --> 00:12:00,679 Help yourself. 246 00:12:17,988 --> 00:12:19,239 What is this? 247 00:12:21,867 --> 00:12:23,285 My employees gave it to me... 248 00:12:23,368 --> 00:12:25,162 on the tenth anniversary of the Berlin Airlift. 249 00:12:25,245 --> 00:12:28,039 Comrades, are we going to stand here... 250 00:12:28,081 --> 00:12:29,916 and listen to this cheap propaganda? 251 00:12:29,958 --> 00:12:31,710 Relax, Boris. 252 00:12:31,835 --> 00:12:34,254 While they're putting Uncle Sam in cuckoo clocks... 253 00:12:34,296 --> 00:12:37,257 we will put Soviet cosmonaut on moon. 254 00:12:37,299 --> 00:12:39,885 OK. So you guys may be the first to shoot a man to the moon... 255 00:12:39,926 --> 00:12:41,261 but if he wants a Coke on the way... 256 00:12:41,344 --> 00:12:43,096 you'll have to come to us. 257 00:12:51,021 --> 00:12:53,231 All right. We agree in principle. 258 00:12:53,315 --> 00:12:54,566 You supply the syrup. 259 00:12:54,608 --> 00:12:57,068 Next, the deal will be set up on a royalty basis. 260 00:12:57,152 --> 00:12:58,487 Royalty? 261 00:12:58,570 --> 00:13:00,238 In Russia, we do not have royalty... 262 00:13:00,322 --> 00:13:02,115 not since we liquidate the Czar. 263 00:13:02,199 --> 00:13:04,576 Nevertheless, you'll pay us a percentage of the gross. 264 00:13:04,659 --> 00:13:05,744 - Money? - Dollars. 265 00:13:05,827 --> 00:13:08,455 Instead of dollars, you would accept three-week tour... 266 00:13:08,538 --> 00:13:09,915 of Bolshoi Ballet. 267 00:13:09,998 --> 00:13:11,958 Please. No culture, just cash. 268 00:13:12,042 --> 00:13:14,669 The ugly American. 269 00:13:16,004 --> 00:13:17,547 Next, once the plants are up... 270 00:13:17,589 --> 00:13:18,757 we reserve the right of inspection. 271 00:13:18,840 --> 00:13:20,926 Of course, and we reserve the right to veto. 272 00:13:20,967 --> 00:13:21,927 Our inspections will be entitled to... 273 00:13:22,010 --> 00:13:24,763 - We veto it. - I thought so. 274 00:13:24,846 --> 00:13:26,223 Forget details. 275 00:13:26,264 --> 00:13:27,557 You will draw up temporary agreement... 276 00:13:27,599 --> 00:13:28,600 we will submit to Moscow. 277 00:13:28,683 --> 00:13:30,602 And I'll have to consult with Atlanta, Georgia. 278 00:13:30,685 --> 00:13:31,937 When will papers be ready? 279 00:13:31,978 --> 00:13:33,563 I'll put my secretary right to work on it. 280 00:13:33,605 --> 00:13:35,899 Your secretary? She's that blond lady? 281 00:13:35,941 --> 00:13:37,400 That's the one. 282 00:13:40,195 --> 00:13:41,738 You will send papers to East Berlin... 283 00:13:41,780 --> 00:13:43,657 with blond lady in triplicate. 284 00:13:43,740 --> 00:13:44,783 You want the papers in triplicate... 285 00:13:44,866 --> 00:13:46,117 or the blond in triplicate? 286 00:13:46,201 --> 00:13:47,577 See what you can do. 287 00:13:47,661 --> 00:13:49,746 We are staying at the Grand Hotel Potemkin. 288 00:13:49,788 --> 00:13:51,748 OK. Now, how about a little vodka and Coke? 289 00:13:51,790 --> 00:13:52,874 No, thank you. 290 00:13:52,916 --> 00:13:55,752 We have emergency meeting with Swiss trade delegation. 291 00:13:55,794 --> 00:13:58,588 They sent us twenty carloads of cheese. 292 00:13:58,630 --> 00:14:00,590 Totally unacceptable. Full of holes. 293 00:14:00,674 --> 00:14:01,675 Good-bye. 294 00:14:02,801 --> 00:14:04,761 See you around the campus. 295 00:14:21,069 --> 00:14:23,029 Ring a ding ding. 296 00:14:32,956 --> 00:14:34,040 What is it, Schlemmer? 297 00:14:34,082 --> 00:14:35,500 It is the overseas operator. 298 00:14:35,584 --> 00:14:38,044 You are to stand by for a call from Atlanta, Georgia. 299 00:14:38,086 --> 00:14:40,380 Atlanta? They must have gotten my teletype. 300 00:14:40,422 --> 00:14:42,257 I bet they're all worked up about the Russian deal. 301 00:14:42,340 --> 00:14:43,758 - It went good? - Good? 302 00:14:43,800 --> 00:14:44,843 Look at this, Schlemmer. 303 00:14:44,926 --> 00:14:46,553 All virgin territory... 304 00:14:46,595 --> 00:14:48,847 300 million thirsty comrades... 305 00:14:48,930 --> 00:14:50,265 Volga boatmen and Cossacks... 306 00:14:50,348 --> 00:14:52,100 Ukrainians and Outer Mongolians... 307 00:14:52,142 --> 00:14:54,560 panting for the pause that refreshes. 308 00:14:54,561 --> 00:14:57,022 Do you realize what it means if I could put this across? 309 00:14:57,063 --> 00:14:58,356 Your stock, it will go up. 310 00:14:58,398 --> 00:15:00,400 I'll go up to the number-one job... 311 00:15:00,483 --> 00:15:01,818 Head of all European operations... 312 00:15:01,902 --> 00:15:03,028 headquarters in London. 313 00:15:03,069 --> 00:15:04,905 May I be the first to congratulate you? 314 00:15:04,946 --> 00:15:06,281 I should have had that job five years ago. 315 00:15:06,364 --> 00:15:07,324 I was all set for it... 316 00:15:07,407 --> 00:15:08,867 even bought myself an umbrella... 317 00:15:08,909 --> 00:15:11,494 but I got loused up by Benny Goodman. 318 00:15:11,578 --> 00:15:12,579 Benny Goodman? 319 00:15:12,621 --> 00:15:15,332 I was in charge of the whole Middle East... 320 00:15:15,415 --> 00:15:19,044 Nine countries, fifteen bottling plants, all facing Mecca. 321 00:15:19,085 --> 00:15:20,503 Well, Goodman and his band were coming through... 322 00:15:20,587 --> 00:15:23,131 on a goodwill tour for the State Department. 323 00:15:23,214 --> 00:15:25,592 30,000 people showed up at the concert... 324 00:15:25,675 --> 00:15:27,385 but Benny didn't because his plane was delayed... 325 00:15:27,427 --> 00:15:29,888 by a sandstorm, so the mob rioted... 326 00:15:29,971 --> 00:15:31,556 and marched on the American embassy... 327 00:15:31,598 --> 00:15:32,974 so the police turned them back... 328 00:15:33,058 --> 00:15:35,143 so they burned down the Coca-Cola plant. 329 00:15:35,769 --> 00:15:36,686 You know it. 330 00:15:36,728 --> 00:15:38,146 There was a big rhubarb at the home office... 331 00:15:38,229 --> 00:15:40,065 and suddenly, I was in the doghouse... 332 00:15:40,106 --> 00:15:41,775 exiled to South America... 333 00:15:41,858 --> 00:15:43,818 schlepping that syrup over the Andes... 334 00:15:43,902 --> 00:15:45,236 on llamas yet... 335 00:15:45,320 --> 00:15:46,613 while a bunch of crew-cut kids... 336 00:15:46,696 --> 00:15:47,989 were being promoted over my head! 337 00:15:48,073 --> 00:15:49,157 But you're in Berlin now. 338 00:15:49,240 --> 00:15:50,450 This is not the doghouse. 339 00:15:50,533 --> 00:15:52,243 Yeah. I used to have nine countries. 340 00:15:52,285 --> 00:15:55,372 Now I've got half a city, and that may blow up any day... 341 00:15:55,413 --> 00:15:58,917 but MacNamara rides again! 342 00:15:59,000 --> 00:16:00,877 I'll be the white-haired boy now. 343 00:16:00,919 --> 00:16:02,379 I'm going all the way! 344 00:16:02,420 --> 00:16:05,006 Yes? It's Atlanta. 345 00:16:05,090 --> 00:16:07,175 Hello? Hello? Mr. Hazeltine? 346 00:16:07,258 --> 00:16:08,593 Yes, I can hear you. 347 00:16:08,635 --> 00:16:10,512 I'm fine, Mr. Hazeltine. How are you? 348 00:16:10,595 --> 00:16:12,263 Well, if you must know, I'm miserable. 349 00:16:12,305 --> 00:16:14,015 Those damn magnolias are in bloom again... 350 00:16:14,099 --> 00:16:15,934 and so is my hay fever. 351 00:16:16,017 --> 00:16:17,644 MacNamara, there's something important... 352 00:16:17,727 --> 00:16:19,312 I'd like to discuss with you. 353 00:16:19,354 --> 00:16:21,189 I thought you would, Mr. Hazeltine. 354 00:16:21,231 --> 00:16:22,482 You got my teletype? 355 00:16:22,565 --> 00:16:23,733 It's right here in front of me. 356 00:16:23,775 --> 00:16:25,402 Those figures from May are not bad... 357 00:16:25,485 --> 00:16:26,528 not bad at all. 358 00:16:26,569 --> 00:16:27,529 Thank you, sir. 359 00:16:27,570 --> 00:16:29,072 And how about the Russian deal? 360 00:16:29,155 --> 00:16:30,949 Napoleon blew it, Hitler blew it... 361 00:16:31,032 --> 00:16:32,909 but Coca-Cola's gonna pull it off. 362 00:16:32,993 --> 00:16:34,911 Forget it, MacNamara. Forget it. 363 00:16:34,953 --> 00:16:36,830 We are not interested in doing business... 364 00:16:36,913 --> 00:16:37,998 behind the Iron Curtain. 365 00:16:38,081 --> 00:16:40,125 We're not interested in the Russian market? 366 00:16:40,208 --> 00:16:42,669 I wouldn't touch the Russians with a ten-foot pole... 367 00:16:42,752 --> 00:16:45,213 and I don't want anything to do with the Poles, either. 368 00:16:45,255 --> 00:16:46,756 But this could be the biggest thing for the company... 369 00:16:46,840 --> 00:16:48,925 since we introduced the six-pack! 370 00:16:50,301 --> 00:16:52,429 Well, if it's against front-office policy... 371 00:16:52,512 --> 00:16:53,513 You're damn right... 372 00:16:53,596 --> 00:16:55,056 but that's not what I called you about. 373 00:16:55,098 --> 00:16:56,099 Look, MacNamara. 374 00:16:56,182 --> 00:16:58,351 I'd like you to do me a big personal favor. 375 00:16:58,435 --> 00:16:59,769 Yes, Mr. Hazeltine? 376 00:16:59,811 --> 00:17:00,979 You want me to ship Mrs. Hazeltine... 377 00:17:01,062 --> 00:17:02,522 another set of Misen china? 378 00:17:02,564 --> 00:17:04,482 No! It's about our daughter Scarlett. 379 00:17:04,566 --> 00:17:06,735 She's seventeen now, sweet girl... 380 00:17:06,776 --> 00:17:09,070 fell in love with some damn rock'n'roll singer. 381 00:17:09,112 --> 00:17:11,072 No. That was the one before. 382 00:17:11,156 --> 00:17:13,950 This is some pimple-faced basketball player. 383 00:17:14,034 --> 00:17:16,202 Anyway, we sent her off on a little trip to Europe. 384 00:17:17,078 --> 00:17:18,329 Where was I? 385 00:17:18,413 --> 00:17:20,790 Daughter Scarlett, pimple-faced basketball player... 386 00:17:20,874 --> 00:17:22,000 sent her to Europe... 387 00:17:22,083 --> 00:17:23,001 Oh, yes! 388 00:17:23,084 --> 00:17:24,210 We had her spend a couple of weeks... 389 00:17:24,252 --> 00:17:25,587 with our representative in Rome... 390 00:17:25,628 --> 00:17:27,422 and a couple of weeks with our man in Paris... 391 00:17:27,464 --> 00:17:29,591 and she's arriving in Berlin this afternoon... 392 00:17:29,674 --> 00:17:32,343 so I'd appreciate it if you and Mrs. MacNamara... 393 00:17:32,427 --> 00:17:33,762 Oh, we'd be delighted to have her stay with us. 394 00:17:33,845 --> 00:17:36,097 It's just that my family has made some plans... 395 00:17:36,181 --> 00:17:38,767 and I have a few plans of my own. 396 00:17:38,808 --> 00:17:40,894 Well, if it's any sort of imposition, never mind. 397 00:17:40,935 --> 00:17:42,520 I'm sorry I called you. 398 00:17:42,562 --> 00:17:44,898 Well, actually, I wasn't thinking of myself. 399 00:17:44,939 --> 00:17:46,691 It's your daughter I'm concerned about. 400 00:17:46,733 --> 00:17:48,943 With the political situation in Berlin the way it is... 401 00:17:49,027 --> 00:17:50,904 anything can happen anytime. 402 00:17:50,987 --> 00:17:51,905 Exactly. 403 00:17:51,988 --> 00:17:54,032 That's why I want you to take especially good care of her. 404 00:17:54,074 --> 00:17:55,533 She's just a child, really... 405 00:17:55,575 --> 00:17:57,368 and I don't like her to stay in a hotel alone... 406 00:17:57,410 --> 00:17:58,578 at a time like this. 407 00:17:58,620 --> 00:18:00,080 She's flying Pan Am. 408 00:18:00,121 --> 00:18:02,749 The plane is due in Berlin at 4:30... 409 00:18:02,791 --> 00:18:05,293 unless those damn Commies shoot it down. 410 00:18:27,649 --> 00:18:29,567 Here. You give her the flowers. 411 00:18:29,651 --> 00:18:30,735 Oh, cut it out, Phyllis! 412 00:18:30,819 --> 00:18:31,903 What was I going to do? 413 00:18:31,986 --> 00:18:33,530 The boss asked me to look after his only daughter. 414 00:18:33,571 --> 00:18:34,781 I can't disappoint him. 415 00:18:34,864 --> 00:18:36,116 Well, what about your only children... 416 00:18:36,199 --> 00:18:37,242 and your only wife? 417 00:18:37,325 --> 00:18:38,827 We were all packed and ready to go. 418 00:18:38,910 --> 00:18:39,911 Don't you think we were disappointed? 419 00:18:39,994 --> 00:18:41,913 Believe me, Phyllis, everybody's disappointed. 420 00:18:41,996 --> 00:18:43,289 We'll just have to put things off a couple of weeks... 421 00:18:43,373 --> 00:18:44,749 The roller skates and the snorkel and the umlaut. 422 00:18:44,791 --> 00:18:46,084 The what? 423 00:18:46,167 --> 00:18:47,418 Right now, the important thing is to make sure... 424 00:18:47,460 --> 00:18:49,420 that the girl has a good time so when she goes home... 425 00:18:49,504 --> 00:18:51,714 all she'll talk about is our man in Berlin. 426 00:18:51,756 --> 00:18:53,216 It's such a nuisance. 427 00:18:53,258 --> 00:18:55,051 Tommy will have to move into Cindy's room. 428 00:18:55,093 --> 00:18:56,845 Bertha will have to learn how to cook sauerbraten... 429 00:18:56,928 --> 00:18:58,054 southern style. 430 00:18:58,096 --> 00:18:59,347 Come on, Phyllis. Make an effort. 431 00:18:59,430 --> 00:19:01,099 Yes, mein Führer. 432 00:19:16,322 --> 00:19:17,490 Pardon me, is this the plane from Paris? 433 00:19:17,574 --> 00:19:18,700 Oui, monsieur. 434 00:19:18,741 --> 00:19:19,993 Isn't there a Miss Hazeltine among the passengers? 435 00:19:20,076 --> 00:19:22,078 There was a Miss Hazeltine among the passengers... 436 00:19:22,120 --> 00:19:23,079 but we have lost her. 437 00:19:23,121 --> 00:19:24,080 You lost her? 438 00:19:24,122 --> 00:19:25,456 She has joined the crew. 439 00:19:33,214 --> 00:19:36,759 Scarlett Hazeltine if I ever saw one. 440 00:19:38,595 --> 00:19:39,929 Miss Hazeltine, I'm MacNamara. 441 00:19:39,971 --> 00:19:41,514 This is Mrs. MacNamara. Welcome to Berlin. 442 00:19:41,598 --> 00:19:42,807 Hi there! 443 00:19:42,891 --> 00:19:43,933 How was your flight? 444 00:19:43,975 --> 00:19:45,226 Just marvy. 445 00:19:45,268 --> 00:19:47,770 The boys let me buzz Dusseldorf. 446 00:19:48,563 --> 00:19:49,856 May I have your hat? 447 00:19:49,898 --> 00:19:51,399 OK, fans. Drop them in. 448 00:19:52,942 --> 00:19:54,152 Pick one, will you, please? 449 00:19:54,235 --> 00:19:55,153 I'm game. 450 00:19:55,236 --> 00:19:56,154 What does it say? 451 00:19:56,237 --> 00:19:57,155 It says Pierre. 452 00:19:57,238 --> 00:19:58,156 That's me! 453 00:19:58,239 --> 00:19:59,157 Where do I come to pick you up? 454 00:19:59,240 --> 00:20:00,283 - What's our address? - Why? 455 00:20:00,366 --> 00:20:02,869 Well, we just had this lottery, and Pierre won me. 456 00:20:02,911 --> 00:20:03,870 Lucky Pierre. 457 00:20:03,912 --> 00:20:05,288 He's the navigator. 458 00:20:05,371 --> 00:20:07,081 That so? Well, you better change your course, Lucky. 459 00:20:07,123 --> 00:20:09,417 You're way off the beam. This way, Miss Hazeltine. 460 00:20:09,459 --> 00:20:10,877 Now just a darn minute. 461 00:20:10,919 --> 00:20:12,003 So long, fans! 462 00:20:12,086 --> 00:20:13,338 But that's not fair! 463 00:20:13,421 --> 00:20:16,174 Madame, I appeal to you as a woman. 464 00:20:16,257 --> 00:20:18,134 As a matter of fact, you do. 465 00:20:18,176 --> 00:20:19,344 Au revoir. 466 00:20:20,136 --> 00:20:21,304 So you're gonna be like that? 467 00:20:21,387 --> 00:20:22,305 Like what? 468 00:20:22,388 --> 00:20:25,516 A company man like those old poops in Rome and Paris... 469 00:20:25,600 --> 00:20:28,060 breathing down my neck every minute, cramping my style. 470 00:20:28,061 --> 00:20:29,020 Look, Miss Hazeltine. 471 00:20:29,062 --> 00:20:30,438 You're underage, and I'm under orders! 472 00:20:30,521 --> 00:20:32,023 Europe... what a drag! 473 00:20:32,065 --> 00:20:34,525 I've done the Colosseum bit and the Mona Lisa bit... 474 00:20:34,567 --> 00:20:37,028 but they never take me to any of those marvy places... 475 00:20:37,070 --> 00:20:39,864 like the Lido and the Crazy Horse and Le Sexy. 476 00:20:39,906 --> 00:20:42,075 I promise you, you'll have a wonderful time in Berlin. 477 00:20:42,158 --> 00:20:43,117 That's why I came. 478 00:20:43,201 --> 00:20:44,619 I hear this is a real swinging town. 479 00:20:44,702 --> 00:20:46,079 Where did you hear that? 480 00:20:46,162 --> 00:20:47,580 Don't you ever read the headlines? 481 00:20:47,622 --> 00:20:49,249 Everybody says Berlin's the hottest spot... 482 00:20:49,332 --> 00:20:50,792 in the world right now. 483 00:20:50,875 --> 00:20:52,209 Would you care to make a short statement... 484 00:20:52,210 --> 00:20:53,503 for the American Forces Network? 485 00:20:53,586 --> 00:20:54,587 Phyllis, please! 486 00:20:54,629 --> 00:20:56,381 We're a little late, folks, so good night. 487 00:20:56,422 --> 00:20:57,423 This your ticket? 488 00:20:57,465 --> 00:20:58,841 Fritz, with the luggage machen. 489 00:20:58,925 --> 00:21:00,593 You'd better send a cable to Tara... 490 00:21:00,677 --> 00:21:02,011 and tell them Scarlett's checked in. 491 00:21:02,095 --> 00:21:03,763 Don't bother. Let them worry. 492 00:21:03,846 --> 00:21:05,598 I didn't volunteer for this trip. 493 00:21:05,682 --> 00:21:08,685 They deported me just to bust it up between me and Choo Choo. 494 00:21:08,768 --> 00:21:09,769 Who's Choo Choo? 495 00:21:09,811 --> 00:21:10,812 Choo Choo Babcock. 496 00:21:10,895 --> 00:21:12,355 I met him in a telephone booth. 497 00:21:12,397 --> 00:21:15,692 43 of us piled inside... You know, to break the record... 498 00:21:15,733 --> 00:21:17,235 And Choo Choo and I were on the bottom... 499 00:21:17,318 --> 00:21:20,029 and by the time we got out, we were engaged. 500 00:21:20,071 --> 00:21:22,031 That's a record, all right. 501 00:21:22,073 --> 00:21:24,242 But Daddy didn't approve because Choo Choo's folks... 502 00:21:24,284 --> 00:21:26,202 are from the wrong side of the tracks... 503 00:21:26,244 --> 00:21:29,372 and let's face it, my daddy's an S-N-O-B. 504 00:21:29,414 --> 00:21:30,415 A what? 505 00:21:30,456 --> 00:21:31,749 - A snob. - Oh. 506 00:21:31,833 --> 00:21:34,002 Seventeen. Isn't that a little young to be engaged? 507 00:21:34,085 --> 00:21:35,920 Oh, I've been engaged four times. 508 00:21:36,004 --> 00:21:38,756 All the women in our family are sort of hot-blooded. 509 00:21:39,882 --> 00:21:42,093 What have we got here? 510 00:21:42,176 --> 00:21:45,221 Whatever it is, it's all ours for the next two weeks. 511 00:21:45,263 --> 00:21:46,806 Isn't that marvy? 512 00:22:10,163 --> 00:22:11,164 Schlemmer! 513 00:22:15,918 --> 00:22:18,004 I'm sorry. I will keep them here after hours practicing. 514 00:22:18,087 --> 00:22:19,088 Never mind that. 515 00:22:19,130 --> 00:22:20,423 My chauffeur didn't show up this morning. 516 00:22:20,465 --> 00:22:22,300 Fritz? I will find out what happened to him. 517 00:22:22,383 --> 00:22:23,384 I don't care what happened to him. 518 00:22:23,426 --> 00:22:24,635 Find out what happened to my car. 519 00:22:24,719 --> 00:22:25,803 Jawohl! 520 00:22:25,887 --> 00:22:26,804 I'm sorry. 521 00:22:26,888 --> 00:22:28,222 While they are practicing not standing... 522 00:22:28,264 --> 00:22:30,391 I will practice not clicking my heels. 523 00:22:34,562 --> 00:22:36,397 Guten Morgen, Fräulein Ingeborg. 524 00:22:36,439 --> 00:22:37,398 Guten Morgen. 525 00:22:37,440 --> 00:22:39,734 Like freshly baked pumpernickel. 526 00:22:39,776 --> 00:22:40,735 Here's your mail. 527 00:22:40,818 --> 00:22:41,778 Here's your "Wall Street Journal"... 528 00:22:41,861 --> 00:22:43,780 and here is my resignation. 529 00:22:43,863 --> 00:22:45,406 Resignation? What are you talking about? 530 00:22:45,490 --> 00:22:46,949 Now you do not work me overtime anymore. 531 00:22:47,033 --> 00:22:48,951 You do not take advantage of me on weekends. 532 00:22:49,035 --> 00:22:51,245 You have lost all interest in the umlaut... 533 00:22:51,329 --> 00:22:54,040 so, obviously, my services are no longer required here. 534 00:22:54,082 --> 00:22:56,084 You know my problem. We have this houseguest. 535 00:22:56,125 --> 00:22:57,877 You said she would be in Berlin two weeks. 536 00:22:57,919 --> 00:22:59,629 Can I help it if she caught the German measles? 537 00:22:59,712 --> 00:23:01,089 She's been here now two months. 538 00:23:01,172 --> 00:23:02,090 She likes it here. 539 00:23:02,173 --> 00:23:03,966 It's a damn nuisance, but what am I gonna do, throw her out? 540 00:23:04,050 --> 00:23:05,093 Doesn't she have to go home? 541 00:23:05,176 --> 00:23:06,803 It's August. Won't schools soon open? 542 00:23:06,886 --> 00:23:08,596 In Georgia? You never know. 543 00:23:08,679 --> 00:23:09,764 Come on now. 544 00:23:09,806 --> 00:23:10,932 What is all this nonsense about quitting? 545 00:23:10,973 --> 00:23:12,141 I have had offers for many jobs. 546 00:23:12,225 --> 00:23:13,768 After all, I'm bilingual. 547 00:23:13,851 --> 00:23:14,769 Don't I know it. 548 00:23:14,852 --> 00:23:16,354 Remember that Russian Trade Commission? 549 00:23:16,437 --> 00:23:17,855 They keep calling me all the time. 550 00:23:17,897 --> 00:23:19,065 They want me very badly. 551 00:23:19,107 --> 00:23:20,942 I'll bet, those Siberian wolves. 552 00:23:21,025 --> 00:23:23,152 So you better find yourself another girl. 553 00:23:23,236 --> 00:23:24,487 All right! 554 00:23:25,988 --> 00:23:27,490 Dictation. 555 00:23:30,576 --> 00:23:33,246 Classified ad to run in all Berlin papers. 556 00:23:33,329 --> 00:23:34,247 Quote... 557 00:23:34,330 --> 00:23:36,082 "Attractive middle-aged executive... 558 00:23:36,165 --> 00:23:38,375 "wants attractive, young secretary." 559 00:23:38,376 --> 00:23:40,920 "Must be versatile and cooperative." 560 00:23:40,962 --> 00:23:44,132 "Excellent salary, congenial working conditions..." 561 00:23:44,215 --> 00:23:46,259 "Fringe benefits." 562 00:23:46,342 --> 00:23:49,554 Fringe benefits? What is that? 563 00:23:49,595 --> 00:23:51,055 Little extras... 564 00:23:51,097 --> 00:23:52,473 like, for instance, this morning... 565 00:23:52,557 --> 00:23:55,101 I was passing that fancy shop on the Kurfuerstendamm... 566 00:23:55,184 --> 00:23:56,602 and there was this white silk dress in the window... 567 00:23:56,644 --> 00:23:58,688 with polka dots all over it and a matching hat. 568 00:23:58,729 --> 00:24:00,815 And a bag? And matching shoes? 569 00:24:00,898 --> 00:24:02,692 Why not? 570 00:24:02,733 --> 00:24:03,693 I'll take the job. 571 00:24:03,734 --> 00:24:05,153 You got it. 572 00:24:05,236 --> 00:24:06,154 Danke schön. 573 00:24:06,237 --> 00:24:07,488 You're welcome. 574 00:24:10,783 --> 00:24:13,035 Please. Not while you're chewing gum. 575 00:24:17,248 --> 00:24:18,833 Uh, that'll be all, Fräulein Ingeborg. 576 00:24:18,916 --> 00:24:20,918 - More later. - Anytime. 577 00:24:20,960 --> 00:24:22,086 Yes, Schlemmer? 578 00:24:22,128 --> 00:24:24,213 I called the garage. I called his wife. 579 00:24:24,255 --> 00:24:25,381 No Fritz. 580 00:24:25,423 --> 00:24:26,757 I can see this is going to be one of those days. 581 00:24:26,799 --> 00:24:27,842 You better call the police. 582 00:24:27,925 --> 00:24:28,843 I already did. 583 00:24:28,926 --> 00:24:30,428 Gave them a complete description of the car... 584 00:24:30,511 --> 00:24:32,722 Model, license number, engine number. 585 00:24:32,763 --> 00:24:33,764 You're a good man, Schlemmer. 586 00:24:33,806 --> 00:24:34,765 Thank you, sir. 587 00:24:34,807 --> 00:24:35,766 Schlemmer, how much are we paying you? 588 00:24:35,808 --> 00:24:36,767 Two hundred marks a week. 589 00:24:36,809 --> 00:24:38,436 Let's see. That would be about fifty dollars. 590 00:24:38,561 --> 00:24:39,770 - That's all. - That's enough. 591 00:24:39,854 --> 00:24:40,855 Yes, sir. 592 00:24:42,982 --> 00:24:45,234 Hello? Hello? Yes? 593 00:24:45,276 --> 00:24:47,570 Atlanta, Georgia? Put it through. 594 00:24:47,653 --> 00:24:49,697 MacNamara, what's going on there in Berlin? 595 00:24:49,739 --> 00:24:51,407 I have a letter here from Scarlett. 596 00:24:51,449 --> 00:24:54,827 It says she's been going to operas, concerts, museums. 597 00:24:54,911 --> 00:24:56,829 That doesn't sound like my little girl. 598 00:24:56,913 --> 00:24:58,873 Oh, you're going to be surprised, Mr. Hazeltine. 599 00:24:58,915 --> 00:25:00,625 She's a different person now. 600 00:25:00,708 --> 00:25:01,834 Oh, I don't mind telling you. 601 00:25:01,918 --> 00:25:03,461 We were a little worried when she first arrived... 602 00:25:03,544 --> 00:25:05,004 but she turned out just fine. 603 00:25:05,087 --> 00:25:07,340 Well, I'll be damned! 604 00:25:07,423 --> 00:25:08,758 Anyway, you'll be relieved to know... 605 00:25:08,799 --> 00:25:11,302 that Mrs. Hazeltine and I are leaving for Europe today... 606 00:25:11,385 --> 00:25:13,471 and we're going to take Scarlett off your hands. 607 00:25:13,554 --> 00:25:14,680 We'll be sorry to lose her. 608 00:25:14,764 --> 00:25:16,766 No, it was no bother at all. 609 00:25:16,849 --> 00:25:19,060 Two weeks, two months. What's the difference? 610 00:25:19,101 --> 00:25:20,186 Well, I want you to know... 611 00:25:20,269 --> 00:25:22,230 that we're mighty grateful to you, MacNamara. 612 00:25:22,271 --> 00:25:23,898 Actually, the reason I'm making this trip... 613 00:25:23,981 --> 00:25:25,900 There's gonna be a shift in personnel. 614 00:25:25,983 --> 00:25:28,236 We're naming a new head of European operations... 615 00:25:28,277 --> 00:25:30,655 and you won't be forgotten, Mac. 616 00:25:30,738 --> 00:25:32,448 The London job? 617 00:25:32,532 --> 00:25:35,117 Well, I don't know what to say. 618 00:25:35,201 --> 00:25:37,411 I never expected anything like that. 619 00:25:37,495 --> 00:25:39,080 Just to be considered for the job... 620 00:25:39,163 --> 00:25:40,081 is a great honor. 621 00:25:40,164 --> 00:25:41,123 Of course, I have been with the company... 622 00:25:41,207 --> 00:25:42,500 for the past fifteen years... 623 00:25:42,583 --> 00:25:45,086 and I know the European market like the inside of my pocket... 624 00:25:45,127 --> 00:25:46,087 It's your wife on the other phone. 625 00:25:46,128 --> 00:25:47,088 She must talk to you. 626 00:25:47,171 --> 00:25:48,089 Not now. I'm on long distance. 627 00:25:48,172 --> 00:25:49,757 I told her that, but she insists. 628 00:25:49,799 --> 00:25:51,217 Would you hold on a minute, Mr. Hazeltine? 629 00:25:51,259 --> 00:25:54,011 There's a little emergency in the accounting department. 630 00:25:55,096 --> 00:25:56,973 What is it, Phyllis? What's so important? 631 00:25:57,056 --> 00:25:59,433 Well, if you put it that way, nothing, really. 632 00:25:59,517 --> 00:26:00,810 I just thought you might be interested... 633 00:26:00,893 --> 00:26:03,396 in what's going on around the house, mein Führer. 634 00:26:03,479 --> 00:26:04,689 You out of your mind? 635 00:26:04,730 --> 00:26:07,024 I'm talking to Mr. Hazeltine about the London job... 636 00:26:07,066 --> 00:26:08,401 and you want to chitchat? 637 00:26:08,484 --> 00:26:09,402 I'm sorry. 638 00:26:09,485 --> 00:26:12,113 It's just that Miss Hazeltine is missing... 639 00:26:12,196 --> 00:26:13,823 but we can discuss it some other time. 640 00:26:13,906 --> 00:26:15,783 - Bye. - Bye. 641 00:26:15,866 --> 00:26:17,827 Missing?! Wait a minute, Phyllis. 642 00:26:17,910 --> 00:26:18,911 Phyllis! 643 00:26:18,995 --> 00:26:20,246 What do you mean she's missing? 644 00:26:20,329 --> 00:26:22,832 Bertha took her breakfast up, and she's not there. 645 00:26:22,915 --> 00:26:24,458 Her bed hasn't been slept in. 646 00:26:24,542 --> 00:26:25,542 Well, that's ridiculous. 647 00:26:25,543 --> 00:26:26,752 We got back from the movie around 11:00... 648 00:26:26,836 --> 00:26:28,546 and Scarlett went right upstairs. 649 00:26:28,629 --> 00:26:29,547 What could have happened to her? 650 00:26:29,672 --> 00:26:32,008 Who knows? Gone with the wind. 651 00:26:32,091 --> 00:26:33,175 Maybe she ran away. 652 00:26:33,259 --> 00:26:35,553 Maybe she was kidnapped by a white slave ring. 653 00:26:35,678 --> 00:26:37,179 Oh, swell. Hold on, will you? 654 00:26:37,263 --> 00:26:38,264 Trouble? 655 00:26:38,306 --> 00:26:40,433 I wish I were in hell with my back broken. 656 00:26:40,516 --> 00:26:41,559 Sorry, Mr. Hazeltine. 657 00:26:41,642 --> 00:26:43,935 They come running to me with all their little problems. 658 00:26:43,936 --> 00:26:45,146 Now, about your trip. 659 00:26:45,229 --> 00:26:46,230 What boat are you sailing on? 660 00:26:46,314 --> 00:26:48,149 Boat? Who's got time for that? 661 00:26:48,232 --> 00:26:49,358 Mrs. Hazeltine and I... 662 00:26:49,400 --> 00:26:51,152 are flying to New York this afternoon... 663 00:26:51,235 --> 00:26:52,862 taking the overnight jet to London. 664 00:26:52,903 --> 00:26:54,530 There's a connecting flight to Berlin... 665 00:26:54,572 --> 00:26:56,741 and we'll be there at noon tomorrow. 666 00:26:56,782 --> 00:26:58,993 Noon tomorrow? You mean our time? 667 00:26:59,076 --> 00:27:01,912 Of course I'll tell Scarlett, first chance I get. 668 00:27:01,996 --> 00:27:02,913 Yes, sir. 669 00:27:02,997 --> 00:27:04,999 We'll see you at the airport unless those damn Commies... 670 00:27:05,082 --> 00:27:06,250 shoot the plane down. 671 00:27:06,292 --> 00:27:08,085 Yeah. Auf Wiedersehen. 672 00:27:08,169 --> 00:27:10,421 For God's sake, Phyllis, we've got to find that idiot. 673 00:27:10,463 --> 00:27:11,964 Her parents are arriving tomorrow. 674 00:27:12,048 --> 00:27:13,341 Where could she be? 675 00:27:13,883 --> 00:27:16,469 She doesn't know anybody in Berlin except us. 676 00:27:17,470 --> 00:27:18,679 Well, have Bertha look again. 677 00:27:18,763 --> 00:27:20,181 Maybe she left a note. 678 00:27:20,264 --> 00:27:22,266 What about her luggage? 679 00:27:22,308 --> 00:27:24,352 Well, I'm glad to hear something is still there. 680 00:27:24,435 --> 00:27:26,395 No, I'm not blaming you. 681 00:27:26,479 --> 00:27:28,439 It's just that lousy MacNamara luck. 682 00:27:28,522 --> 00:27:29,732 First I lost a bottling plant... 683 00:27:29,815 --> 00:27:31,817 and now I lose the boss' daughter! 684 00:27:35,988 --> 00:27:37,156 I think we are getting someplace. 685 00:27:37,239 --> 00:27:39,158 We found Fritz. 686 00:27:39,241 --> 00:27:41,243 Fritz? To hell with Fritz! 687 00:27:41,285 --> 00:27:43,245 It's the girl we're looking for now. 688 00:27:43,329 --> 00:27:45,623 Precisely. He has some information. 689 00:27:48,042 --> 00:27:49,126 Where is she? 690 00:27:49,210 --> 00:27:51,629 I do not know, not precisely... 691 00:27:51,754 --> 00:27:53,798 but last night, I dropped her at the Brandenburg Gate. 692 00:27:53,881 --> 00:27:54,965 The Brandenburg Gate? Why? 693 00:27:55,049 --> 00:27:56,550 Because that is where I drop her every night... 694 00:27:56,592 --> 00:27:58,177 and that is where I pick her up every morning. 695 00:27:58,260 --> 00:28:00,262 How long has this been going on? 696 00:28:00,304 --> 00:28:01,764 Since last month, sir. 697 00:28:01,806 --> 00:28:02,932 Usually, I get her back to the house... 698 00:28:02,973 --> 00:28:04,350 before you wake up, but this morning... 699 00:28:04,433 --> 00:28:05,643 I wait for her, and I wait. 700 00:28:05,768 --> 00:28:07,561 You mean, you've been helping her sneak out behind my back? 701 00:28:07,603 --> 00:28:09,522 Yes, sir, but I have a very good excuse. 702 00:28:09,563 --> 00:28:10,523 What? 703 00:28:10,564 --> 00:28:11,607 She pays me a hundred marks a night... 704 00:28:11,691 --> 00:28:13,526 Fifty for driving her, fifty for not telling you. 705 00:28:13,567 --> 00:28:14,735 Do I have your permission to fire him? 706 00:28:14,777 --> 00:28:16,070 Not yet! 707 00:28:16,112 --> 00:28:18,406 Now, let's go step by step. 708 00:28:18,447 --> 00:28:20,241 After you drop her at the Brandenburg Gate... 709 00:28:20,282 --> 00:28:21,450 what does she do? 710 00:28:21,534 --> 00:28:24,328 She crosses the border into East Berlin. 711 00:28:24,412 --> 00:28:25,413 East Berlin? 712 00:28:25,454 --> 00:28:26,539 That is why I am so worried... 713 00:28:26,580 --> 00:28:28,457 because this morning, she did not come back. 714 00:28:28,541 --> 00:28:29,875 You're worried? 715 00:28:29,917 --> 00:28:32,628 I'm going down in flames, and he's worried. 716 00:28:34,296 --> 00:28:36,424 Ingeborg, clear the switchboard. 717 00:28:36,507 --> 00:28:37,883 I want Brigadier General Hartel... 718 00:28:37,925 --> 00:28:39,510 Commanding Officer of the American sector. 719 00:28:39,593 --> 00:28:41,595 Next, get me Mayor Willy Brandt. 720 00:28:41,637 --> 00:28:42,596 Next, get me the Police Commissioner... 721 00:28:42,680 --> 00:28:43,848 of West Berlin. 722 00:28:43,931 --> 00:28:46,392 Next, I want to speak to the U.S. Ambassador in Bonn. 723 00:28:46,434 --> 00:28:47,977 You got that? OK. 724 00:28:49,186 --> 00:28:51,230 Fritz, you wait downstairs. I may need you later. 725 00:28:51,313 --> 00:28:53,315 Schlemmer, how can we find out what happened to her? 726 00:28:53,399 --> 00:28:55,443 Can we get any information from East Berlin? 727 00:28:55,526 --> 00:28:57,069 Only through official channels in triplicate. 728 00:28:57,153 --> 00:28:58,070 What if we just picked up the phone... 729 00:28:58,154 --> 00:28:59,155 and called the authorities over there? 730 00:28:59,238 --> 00:29:00,239 It is not that easy. 731 00:29:00,322 --> 00:29:01,240 Why not? 732 00:29:01,323 --> 00:29:03,325 There's no direct phone service to East Berlin. 733 00:29:03,409 --> 00:29:04,326 You have to call Stockholm. 734 00:29:04,410 --> 00:29:05,494 From there it goes through Warsaw... 735 00:29:05,578 --> 00:29:07,371 to Leipzig, then to East Berlin... 736 00:29:07,413 --> 00:29:09,415 and then, nine times out of ten, you get the wrong number. 737 00:29:09,457 --> 00:29:11,208 - Try it anyway. - Yes, sir. 738 00:29:16,297 --> 00:29:17,298 Schnellmachen! 739 00:29:20,676 --> 00:29:22,178 Yes? 740 00:29:22,261 --> 00:29:24,263 General Hartel is out on army maneuvers? 741 00:29:24,346 --> 00:29:26,515 Well, what about Mayor Willy Brandt? 742 00:29:26,599 --> 00:29:27,850 He's watching the maneuvers. 743 00:29:27,933 --> 00:29:29,351 And the Police Commissioner? 744 00:29:29,435 --> 00:29:30,728 I see. He's watching Willy Brandt. 745 00:29:30,811 --> 00:29:32,897 So who's minding the store? 746 00:29:32,938 --> 00:29:34,648 What about the call to Bonn? 747 00:29:34,732 --> 00:29:35,858 Our ambassador is back in Washington... 748 00:29:35,900 --> 00:29:37,318 for consultation? 749 00:29:37,401 --> 00:29:38,903 Come in, come in. I'll be right with you. 750 00:29:38,986 --> 00:29:40,279 Get me Washington, the State Department... 751 00:29:40,362 --> 00:29:41,530 whoever answers... 752 00:29:41,572 --> 00:29:43,657 Dean Rusk, Dean Acheson, Dean anybody. 753 00:29:43,741 --> 00:29:44,909 And if you have no luck there... 754 00:29:44,950 --> 00:29:46,535 get me Senator Talmadge of Georgia... 755 00:29:46,577 --> 00:29:49,872 and if he isn't in, try Huntley and Brinkley at NBC. 756 00:29:50,748 --> 00:29:51,916 Scarlett! 757 00:29:51,999 --> 00:29:53,834 What's all the excitement? 758 00:29:53,918 --> 00:29:56,086 Oh, nothing. 759 00:29:56,170 --> 00:29:57,630 You just scared the hell out of us! 760 00:29:57,713 --> 00:29:58,714 You all right? 761 00:29:58,756 --> 00:30:00,508 I'm just marvy. 762 00:30:00,591 --> 00:30:01,884 What were you doing in East Berlin? 763 00:30:01,926 --> 00:30:03,302 You mean, last night? 764 00:30:03,385 --> 00:30:05,304 I mean all those nights. 765 00:30:05,387 --> 00:30:07,681 You see, there's this boy over there. 766 00:30:07,765 --> 00:30:09,016 Wow! 767 00:30:09,099 --> 00:30:10,643 What boy? What have you been up to? 768 00:30:10,726 --> 00:30:13,020 Well, I met him about six weeks ago. 769 00:30:13,062 --> 00:30:15,523 I went into East Berlin, and there was this parade... 770 00:30:15,564 --> 00:30:17,233 and they wanted to arrest me. 771 00:30:17,316 --> 00:30:18,776 Arrest you? 772 00:30:18,859 --> 00:30:20,653 Because I was taking pictures. 773 00:30:20,736 --> 00:30:23,531 And then this boy... He was in the parade... 774 00:30:23,572 --> 00:30:25,574 He said to the policemen I shouldn't be arrested. 775 00:30:25,658 --> 00:30:29,745 I should be pitied because I was a typical bourgeois parasite... 776 00:30:29,787 --> 00:30:33,749 and the rotten fruit of a corrupt civilization. 777 00:30:33,791 --> 00:30:36,293 So naturally, I fell in love with him. 778 00:30:36,377 --> 00:30:37,920 Naturally. 779 00:30:38,003 --> 00:30:39,672 Want to see his picture? 780 00:30:39,755 --> 00:30:40,798 Not particularly. 781 00:30:40,881 --> 00:30:42,925 Now, I want your honest opinion. 782 00:30:45,636 --> 00:30:47,888 Isn't he beautiful? 783 00:30:48,556 --> 00:30:51,267 You fell in love with Khrushchev? 784 00:30:51,308 --> 00:30:55,020 No, silly, the one that's carrying Khrushchev. 785 00:30:55,062 --> 00:30:57,064 His name's Otto. 786 00:30:57,106 --> 00:30:58,607 I finally got East Berlin on the phone... 787 00:30:58,691 --> 00:31:01,235 and just like I told you, wrong number. 788 00:31:01,318 --> 00:31:02,653 Hi there. 789 00:31:02,736 --> 00:31:03,946 Now, you and this Otto... 790 00:31:04,029 --> 00:31:06,240 exactly what do you do when you're together? 791 00:31:06,323 --> 00:31:08,158 Oh, all kinds of goodies. 792 00:31:08,242 --> 00:31:11,078 I wash his shirts, and he broadens my mind... 793 00:31:11,120 --> 00:31:13,747 and if it's a warm night, we go lie on the roof... 794 00:31:13,789 --> 00:31:16,250 and watch the Sputniks go by. 795 00:31:16,333 --> 00:31:17,376 Is that all? 796 00:31:17,418 --> 00:31:20,296 Well, last night, we were blowing up balloons. 797 00:31:20,379 --> 00:31:21,589 Balloons? 798 00:31:21,672 --> 00:31:23,007 You know. 799 00:31:25,843 --> 00:31:27,052 It's a Communist trick! 800 00:31:27,094 --> 00:31:29,430 When the wind is right, they float them across... 801 00:31:29,471 --> 00:31:31,015 to undermine our morale. 802 00:31:32,725 --> 00:31:34,184 "Yankee go home"? 803 00:31:34,268 --> 00:31:37,229 They come in all colors... Green and yellow and blue. 804 00:31:37,313 --> 00:31:38,230 You've been helping this guy to spread... 805 00:31:38,314 --> 00:31:39,773 anti-American propaganda? 806 00:31:39,857 --> 00:31:43,027 It's not anti-American. It's anti-Yankee... 807 00:31:43,068 --> 00:31:46,530 and where I come from, everybody's against the Yankees. 808 00:31:46,572 --> 00:31:48,449 I have good mind to change this to "Russki go home"... 809 00:31:48,532 --> 00:31:49,450 and when the wind blows the other way... 810 00:31:49,533 --> 00:31:50,576 OK. OK. 811 00:31:50,659 --> 00:31:52,536 Now, you listen to me, Scarlett Hazeltine. 812 00:31:52,578 --> 00:31:53,913 There's gonna be no more of this foolishness... 813 00:31:53,996 --> 00:31:56,540 because tomorrow, your parents are coming to take you home. 814 00:31:56,582 --> 00:31:57,875 They are? 815 00:31:59,209 --> 00:32:02,046 Who? Chet Huntley? 816 00:32:02,087 --> 00:32:03,255 All right. I'll speak to him. 817 00:32:03,339 --> 00:32:04,423 Hello, Mr. Huntley. 818 00:32:04,465 --> 00:32:05,883 I just want to tell you I've been watching your program. 819 00:32:05,966 --> 00:32:07,593 Keep up the good work. Bye! 820 00:32:07,676 --> 00:32:08,719 Now, when your parents arrive... 821 00:32:08,761 --> 00:32:10,554 I want you to keep your mouth shut... 822 00:32:10,596 --> 00:32:12,139 for your sake and mine... 823 00:32:12,222 --> 00:32:14,141 because if they ever find out what's been going on... 824 00:32:14,224 --> 00:32:15,643 I better talk this over with Otto. 825 00:32:15,726 --> 00:32:16,685 Oh, no, you don't! 826 00:32:16,727 --> 00:32:17,853 You're not gonna see him again... 827 00:32:17,895 --> 00:32:19,563 and you're not going back to East Berlin. 828 00:32:19,647 --> 00:32:21,774 Oh. He's right downstairs. 829 00:32:23,317 --> 00:32:24,443 Otto! 830 00:32:26,445 --> 00:32:28,739 Otto, darling! 831 00:32:29,782 --> 00:32:31,408 Up here. 832 00:32:33,118 --> 00:32:35,412 Come on up, Liebchen. 833 00:32:40,084 --> 00:32:41,377 Liebchen? 834 00:32:41,418 --> 00:32:43,379 I don't want that creep in my office. 835 00:32:43,420 --> 00:32:45,673 Why don't you send him home to clean out his cage? 836 00:32:45,756 --> 00:32:46,674 I think he better be here... 837 00:32:46,757 --> 00:32:49,051 because we have something to tell you. 838 00:32:49,093 --> 00:32:50,719 Tell me what? 839 00:32:50,761 --> 00:32:52,054 You're not engaged again, are you? 840 00:32:52,096 --> 00:32:53,347 No, not this time. 841 00:32:53,430 --> 00:32:54,723 - Thank God. - We're married. 842 00:32:54,765 --> 00:32:56,100 For a minute there, I was afraid... 843 00:32:57,518 --> 00:32:58,477 You're married? 844 00:32:58,519 --> 00:33:00,854 Uh-huh. It will be six weeks on Monday. 845 00:33:00,896 --> 00:33:02,231 You married a Communist? 846 00:33:02,314 --> 00:33:04,149 He's not a Communist. He's a republican. 847 00:33:04,233 --> 00:33:06,735 He comes from the Republic of East Germany. 848 00:33:06,819 --> 00:33:09,947 Why, you dumb, stupid little pot! 849 00:33:10,030 --> 00:33:11,907 Do you realize what you've done? 850 00:33:11,991 --> 00:33:13,575 You've ruined me, that's all. 851 00:33:13,659 --> 00:33:15,077 What are your parents going to say? 852 00:33:15,160 --> 00:33:16,745 They trusted me, and I trusted you. 853 00:33:16,787 --> 00:33:19,540 Then you go and pull an idiotic stunt like this. 854 00:33:19,581 --> 00:33:21,959 Why didn't you look after me better? 855 00:33:22,084 --> 00:33:24,878 Fifteen years with the company down the drain. 856 00:33:24,920 --> 00:33:26,547 I'll be blacklisted. 857 00:33:26,588 --> 00:33:27,756 My kids will starve. 858 00:33:27,840 --> 00:33:29,466 My wife will be selling pencils! 859 00:33:29,550 --> 00:33:31,719 And all on account of you and your hot blood. 860 00:33:33,762 --> 00:33:36,390 Come in. Come in, Otto. 861 00:33:41,645 --> 00:33:43,856 This is Mr. MacNamara. 862 00:33:43,897 --> 00:33:46,734 My husband... Otto Ludwig Piffl. 863 00:33:46,775 --> 00:33:49,653 Piffl? Wouldn't you know. 864 00:33:53,907 --> 00:33:55,159 Where did you dig him up? 865 00:33:55,242 --> 00:33:57,244 He doesn't even wear socks. 866 00:33:57,286 --> 00:33:59,371 He doesn't wear shorts, either. 867 00:34:00,080 --> 00:34:02,082 Isn't that exciting? 868 00:34:04,251 --> 00:34:05,711 Take your cap off. 869 00:34:05,753 --> 00:34:06,712 Why? 870 00:34:06,754 --> 00:34:08,714 Because I said so. 871 00:34:10,257 --> 00:34:12,760 In Lenin's tomb, I take my cap off. 872 00:34:12,843 --> 00:34:14,595 If Van Cliburn plays Tchaikovsky... 873 00:34:14,636 --> 00:34:16,096 I take my cap off... 874 00:34:16,180 --> 00:34:19,975 but in Coca-Cola office, phooey! 875 00:34:20,059 --> 00:34:22,436 Do it for me, Otto, darling. 876 00:34:22,519 --> 00:34:24,104 For you, I do it. 877 00:34:24,188 --> 00:34:25,814 He could use a haircut... 878 00:34:25,898 --> 00:34:27,191 and I'd like to give it to him myself... 879 00:34:27,232 --> 00:34:28,901 with a hammer and sickle. 880 00:34:28,942 --> 00:34:29,902 Warmonger. 881 00:34:29,943 --> 00:34:30,903 Shut up, you punk. 882 00:34:30,944 --> 00:34:32,488 Don't you talk like that to my husband. 883 00:34:32,571 --> 00:34:33,572 He's not your husband! 884 00:34:33,614 --> 00:34:35,449 In the first place, she's underage. 885 00:34:35,532 --> 00:34:38,077 Next, we don't recognize the government of East Germany. 886 00:34:38,118 --> 00:34:40,579 Next, she admits that while she was washing your shirts... 887 00:34:40,662 --> 00:34:42,247 you were washing her brain! 888 00:34:42,289 --> 00:34:43,999 So the whole thing is illegal. 889 00:34:44,041 --> 00:34:46,042 No, it's not. I have a certificate. 890 00:34:46,043 --> 00:34:48,712 And tell him about the wedding rings. 891 00:34:48,754 --> 00:34:50,798 Forged from the steel of a brave cannon... 892 00:34:50,881 --> 00:34:53,175 that fought at Stalingrad. 893 00:34:53,258 --> 00:34:54,593 I don't care who your jeweler is! 894 00:34:54,635 --> 00:34:56,011 The marriage is illegal. 895 00:34:56,053 --> 00:34:57,596 You say, but in the eyes... 896 00:34:57,638 --> 00:34:59,306 of the People's Republic of East Germany... 897 00:34:59,389 --> 00:35:00,599 we are husband and wife. 898 00:35:00,641 --> 00:35:02,059 You are not in East Germany now. 899 00:35:02,184 --> 00:35:04,186 You are in West Berlin, and I can have you arrested... 900 00:35:04,269 --> 00:35:06,396 for lying on rooftops with a minor. 901 00:35:06,438 --> 00:35:09,066 Of course you can. I know your tactics. 902 00:35:09,149 --> 00:35:11,068 You can have me arrested. You can have tortured. 903 00:35:11,110 --> 00:35:14,071 You can have me shot like you've been doing in the Congo! 904 00:35:14,113 --> 00:35:16,115 Africa for the Africans! 905 00:35:16,782 --> 00:35:18,158 All I want from you, Scarlett Piffl... 906 00:35:18,242 --> 00:35:20,327 is silence and damn little of that. 907 00:35:20,410 --> 00:35:22,454 Don't you talk like that to my wife! 908 00:35:23,539 --> 00:35:25,374 Who? Brinkley? 909 00:35:25,415 --> 00:35:27,793 Well, tell him I already gave the message to Huntley. 910 00:35:29,920 --> 00:35:31,755 Look, Otto baby. 911 00:35:31,839 --> 00:35:33,799 If we're to live together in peaceful coexistence... 912 00:35:33,882 --> 00:35:35,926 there must be a certain amount of give-and-take. 913 00:35:35,968 --> 00:35:37,594 How'd you like a thousand marks? 914 00:35:37,636 --> 00:35:38,846 For what? 915 00:35:38,929 --> 00:35:40,848 Just get on your motorcycle, go back where you came from... 916 00:35:40,931 --> 00:35:41,890 and forget about the whole thing. 917 00:35:41,932 --> 00:35:43,642 You can't bribe him. 918 00:35:43,725 --> 00:35:44,685 Two thousand? 919 00:35:44,768 --> 00:35:45,686 How about five thousand? 920 00:35:45,727 --> 00:35:46,854 Otto, what are you saying? 921 00:35:46,895 --> 00:35:48,188 OK. Five thousand marks. 922 00:35:48,230 --> 00:35:50,566 If it's worth five thousand, why not fifty thousand? 923 00:35:50,607 --> 00:35:52,609 Fifty thousand? You crazy? 924 00:35:53,277 --> 00:35:54,736 I just want to see how far they will go... 925 00:35:54,820 --> 00:35:57,739 to break up a happy Socialist marriage. 926 00:35:57,823 --> 00:35:59,575 I spit on your money. 927 00:35:59,616 --> 00:36:01,076 I spit on Fort Knox! 928 00:36:01,118 --> 00:36:03,245 I spit on Wall Street! 929 00:36:03,328 --> 00:36:05,205 Unsanitary little jerk, isn't he? 930 00:36:05,247 --> 00:36:07,291 You and your kind are doomed. 931 00:36:07,374 --> 00:36:08,625 We will take over West Berlin. 932 00:36:08,709 --> 00:36:10,127 We will take over Western Europe. 933 00:36:10,210 --> 00:36:11,420 We will bury you! 934 00:36:11,461 --> 00:36:12,588 Do me a favor, will you? 935 00:36:12,671 --> 00:36:14,423 Bury us, but don't marry us. 936 00:36:14,464 --> 00:36:17,926 Look at all this waste. 937 00:36:18,635 --> 00:36:22,306 Capitalism is like a dead herring in the moonlight. 938 00:36:22,389 --> 00:36:24,725 It shines, but it stinks! 939 00:36:24,766 --> 00:36:27,603 He talks like that all the time. 940 00:36:27,686 --> 00:36:29,813 Tell him about Coca-Cola colonialism. 941 00:36:29,897 --> 00:36:30,814 What? 942 00:36:30,898 --> 00:36:32,232 As chairman Khrushchev said... 943 00:36:32,316 --> 00:36:34,443 on the 40th anniversary of the revolution... 944 00:36:34,526 --> 00:36:37,779 To hell with the revolution and to hell with Khrushchev! 945 00:36:39,489 --> 00:36:41,867 The hell with Frank Sinatra. 946 00:36:42,409 --> 00:36:44,244 Oh, it's gonna be a real clambake... 947 00:36:44,286 --> 00:36:45,662 when your folks get here tomorrow. 948 00:36:45,746 --> 00:36:47,915 How are we gonna explain this? 949 00:36:47,956 --> 00:36:51,001 That's your problem because I won't be here. 950 00:36:51,084 --> 00:36:52,628 What do you mean, you won't be here? 951 00:36:52,711 --> 00:36:55,589 Tonight, my wife and I are leaving for Moscow. 952 00:36:55,631 --> 00:36:57,424 Moscow? 953 00:36:57,466 --> 00:36:59,092 That's what I came to tell you. 954 00:36:59,134 --> 00:37:00,260 He's got a scholarship... 955 00:37:00,344 --> 00:37:02,763 to the People's Technological Institute. 956 00:37:02,846 --> 00:37:05,057 He's studying to be a missile engineer. 957 00:37:05,098 --> 00:37:06,725 Soviet missiles... 958 00:37:07,935 --> 00:37:09,728 Venus! 959 00:37:09,770 --> 00:37:11,104 American missiles... 960 00:37:12,022 --> 00:37:14,066 Miami beach. 961 00:37:16,443 --> 00:37:20,739 So you just tell Daddy I'm on my way to the U.S.S.R. 962 00:37:20,822 --> 00:37:22,991 That's short for Russia. 963 00:37:25,369 --> 00:37:28,080 Are you out of your seventeen-year-old mind? 964 00:37:28,121 --> 00:37:29,581 Russia's to get out of, not to get into. 965 00:37:29,665 --> 00:37:31,124 Where Otto goes, I go! 966 00:37:31,208 --> 00:37:33,085 You just try to stop us. 967 00:37:33,168 --> 00:37:34,586 Can you talk to your wife? 968 00:37:34,670 --> 00:37:36,713 Well, I certainly can't talk to them. 969 00:37:36,755 --> 00:37:37,923 On this phone. 970 00:37:40,217 --> 00:37:41,760 Hello? Yes, dear. 971 00:37:41,843 --> 00:37:43,219 Mac, hold everything. 972 00:37:43,220 --> 00:37:44,846 I bet I know what happened to Scarlett. 973 00:37:44,930 --> 00:37:47,432 Lucky Pierre must be back in town. 974 00:37:47,516 --> 00:37:50,852 It's not Lucky Pierre. It's Crazy Otto. 975 00:37:50,894 --> 00:37:51,895 Are you ready for this? 976 00:37:51,979 --> 00:37:54,398 She's married. That's right. 977 00:37:54,439 --> 00:37:56,358 She got herself an ever-loving, curly-haired... 978 00:37:56,400 --> 00:37:58,235 card-carrying husband. 979 00:37:59,403 --> 00:38:01,697 She married a Communist? 980 00:38:02,197 --> 00:38:04,658 This is gonna be the biggest thing to hit Atlanta... 981 00:38:04,741 --> 00:38:07,411 since General Sherman threw that little barbecue. 982 00:38:08,120 --> 00:38:09,705 No, I don't think it's funny. 983 00:38:10,247 --> 00:38:13,750 They're gonna live in Moscow? Now, that's funny. 984 00:38:13,834 --> 00:38:16,252 Yeah, hysterical, but what can I do... 985 00:38:16,253 --> 00:38:17,879 go fight the Kremlin? 986 00:38:17,921 --> 00:38:19,131 I can't stop them. 987 00:38:19,214 --> 00:38:20,716 They're young, they're in love... 988 00:38:20,757 --> 00:38:23,218 and we're a dead herring in the moonlight... 989 00:38:23,260 --> 00:38:26,972 so who am I to stand in the way of a happy Socialist marriage? 990 00:38:27,055 --> 00:38:28,974 Oh, come off it, Mac. I know you. 991 00:38:29,057 --> 00:38:31,018 You've got something up your sleeve. 992 00:38:31,101 --> 00:38:34,187 I wouldn't be surprised. Bye. 993 00:38:34,813 --> 00:38:37,274 Now, what time are you kids leaving? 994 00:38:37,357 --> 00:38:39,776 7:00 on the Moscow Express. 995 00:38:39,860 --> 00:38:40,777 Why do you want to know? 996 00:38:40,861 --> 00:38:42,779 Because I'm gonna dynamite the train. 997 00:38:42,863 --> 00:38:44,656 What makes you guys so suspicious? 998 00:38:44,740 --> 00:38:47,909 I better get back to the house and start packing. 999 00:38:47,993 --> 00:38:50,746 You think I ought to take both my mink coats? 1000 00:38:50,829 --> 00:38:53,373 Darling, no woman should have two mink coats... 1001 00:38:53,415 --> 00:38:55,917 until every woman in the world has one mink coat. 1002 00:38:56,001 --> 00:38:56,960 Why don't you cut the other one up... 1003 00:38:57,044 --> 00:38:58,211 and make him a pair of shorts? 1004 00:38:58,253 --> 00:39:00,088 I hear it's freezing there all the time. 1005 00:39:00,130 --> 00:39:01,256 Thirty below zero. 1006 00:39:01,298 --> 00:39:02,632 Fascist lies! 1007 00:39:02,716 --> 00:39:04,551 You better go home and pack, too, darling. 1008 00:39:04,593 --> 00:39:05,927 It will take me no time... 1009 00:39:05,969 --> 00:39:09,097 Just my chessboard, my extra shirt, and two hundred books. 1010 00:39:09,181 --> 00:39:11,433 Well, as long as Smiley here is going back to East Berlin... 1011 00:39:11,516 --> 00:39:12,684 I'll get the car for you. 1012 00:39:12,768 --> 00:39:14,144 Schlemmer, will you run downstairs... 1013 00:39:14,227 --> 00:39:16,730 and tell Fritz he'll have to take Scarlett home? 1014 00:39:17,439 --> 00:39:18,732 You're letting her go to Moscow? 1015 00:39:18,815 --> 00:39:19,983 In a pig's eye. 1016 00:39:20,067 --> 00:39:22,402 Now, look. His motorcycle's downstairs. 1017 00:39:22,444 --> 00:39:24,738 Remember that idea you had about the balloon? 1018 00:39:26,948 --> 00:39:28,033 Just think, Liebchen... 1019 00:39:28,075 --> 00:39:30,827 tomorrow night, we'll be strolling hand in hand... 1020 00:39:30,911 --> 00:39:32,537 across Red Square. 1021 00:39:32,579 --> 00:39:33,580 I hope you won't be ashamed of me... 1022 00:39:33,622 --> 00:39:35,165 in front of your friends. 1023 00:39:35,248 --> 00:39:36,333 Of course not. 1024 00:39:36,416 --> 00:39:39,127 I promise you, I'll only wear my jewelry at home. 1025 00:39:39,211 --> 00:39:41,755 They have assigned us a magnificent apartment... 1026 00:39:41,797 --> 00:39:43,632 just a short walk from the bathroom. 1027 00:39:43,715 --> 00:39:44,758 I love you. 1028 00:39:44,800 --> 00:39:46,426 I'll make you very happy. 1029 00:39:46,468 --> 00:39:48,553 Every morning, we'll have breakfast in bed. 1030 00:39:48,595 --> 00:39:49,888 Sounds wonderful. 1031 00:39:49,930 --> 00:39:51,598 Also lunch, also dinner. 1032 00:39:51,640 --> 00:39:52,849 In bed? 1033 00:39:52,933 --> 00:39:54,351 There's no table and no chairs. 1034 00:39:54,434 --> 00:39:55,727 Who cares? 1035 00:39:59,064 --> 00:40:00,899 I'll pick you at 6:30 sharp... 1036 00:40:00,982 --> 00:40:03,443 because the 7:00 train to Moscow leaves promptly at 8:15. 1037 00:40:03,527 --> 00:40:04,444 Wait a minute, kids. 1038 00:40:04,528 --> 00:40:06,446 Before you go, I'd like to give you a little present. 1039 00:40:06,530 --> 00:40:07,572 Why? 1040 00:40:07,614 --> 00:40:08,615 It's customary when two people get married. 1041 00:40:08,698 --> 00:40:11,618 Otto's friends didn't give us any presents. 1042 00:40:11,701 --> 00:40:12,911 Instead, they sent the money... 1043 00:40:12,994 --> 00:40:15,497 to the unemployed cotton pickers in Mississippi. 1044 00:40:15,580 --> 00:40:17,290 Oh. How about a cocktail shaker? 1045 00:40:17,374 --> 00:40:19,084 No. I guess not. 1046 00:40:19,126 --> 00:40:20,293 I know. 1047 00:40:21,503 --> 00:40:22,754 A cuckoo clock. 1048 00:40:23,755 --> 00:40:26,883 Handmade by dwarfs in the Black Forest. 1049 00:40:26,925 --> 00:40:28,927 So now they're exploiting dwarfs. 1050 00:40:29,010 --> 00:40:31,763 I'm sorry I haven't got any fancy wrapping paper. 1051 00:40:31,805 --> 00:40:33,890 We do not want anything from you. 1052 00:40:35,308 --> 00:40:36,268 Otto, don't be rude. 1053 00:40:36,351 --> 00:40:38,687 I think it's very sweet of Mr. MacNamara. 1054 00:40:38,728 --> 00:40:41,398 Now we'll have a bed and a clock. 1055 00:40:41,440 --> 00:40:43,233 We will get our own clock in Russia. 1056 00:40:43,275 --> 00:40:45,777 If your clocks don't run any better than your trains... 1057 00:40:45,861 --> 00:40:47,571 you might as well take this one. 1058 00:40:47,612 --> 00:40:50,031 You laugh at us now, but not for long... 1059 00:40:50,073 --> 00:40:53,577 because you're arrogant and fat and bloated. 1060 00:40:53,618 --> 00:40:56,288 The worms will have a picnic. 1061 00:40:56,371 --> 00:40:58,290 See you on the barricades, pal. 1062 00:41:00,250 --> 00:41:02,627 When the day comes, I'll put in a good word for you. 1063 00:41:02,711 --> 00:41:03,753 Scarlett! 1064 00:41:03,837 --> 00:41:05,505 It's my parents I feel sorry for. 1065 00:41:05,589 --> 00:41:07,215 It's too late to save them. 1066 00:41:07,257 --> 00:41:09,676 Otto says they'll have to be liquidated. 1067 00:41:09,759 --> 00:41:11,136 Bye! 1068 00:41:21,980 --> 00:41:23,815 Schlemmer! 1069 00:41:23,899 --> 00:41:25,942 Hurry up! 1070 00:41:37,329 --> 00:41:38,788 Wiedersehen, Liebchen. 1071 00:41:38,872 --> 00:41:40,457 Auf Wiedersehen. 1072 00:42:17,661 --> 00:42:19,579 Good boy, Schlemmer. 1073 00:42:19,621 --> 00:42:20,580 Yes, sir. 1074 00:42:20,622 --> 00:42:22,082 Anything else you wish me to do? 1075 00:42:22,165 --> 00:42:23,083 No, thanks. 1076 00:42:23,166 --> 00:42:24,251 We can just sit back now... 1077 00:42:24,292 --> 00:42:26,628 and let the East German police finish the job. 1078 00:42:26,711 --> 00:42:27,629 Pardon me. 1079 00:42:27,712 --> 00:42:30,382 I must be very stupid, but I do not understand any of this. 1080 00:42:30,423 --> 00:42:31,508 There's nothing to it. 1081 00:42:31,591 --> 00:42:33,426 All it takes is a little knowledge of physics... 1082 00:42:33,468 --> 00:42:35,345 and elementary psychology. 1083 00:42:35,428 --> 00:42:38,682 Right now, Comrade Otto Ludwig Piffl... 1084 00:42:38,765 --> 00:42:40,141 is tooling along on his motorcycle... 1085 00:42:40,225 --> 00:42:43,603 toward East Berlin, gay, chipper... 1086 00:42:43,687 --> 00:42:46,106 feeling like a million rubles. 1087 00:42:46,189 --> 00:42:49,150 Little does he know that meanwhile back at the exhaust... 1088 00:42:49,234 --> 00:42:51,945 the fumes are filling the balloon. 1089 00:42:52,028 --> 00:42:54,823 It gets bigger and bigger... 1090 00:42:54,906 --> 00:42:57,284 and all the time in the sidecar... 1091 00:42:57,367 --> 00:43:00,328 a little booby trap is ticking away. 1092 00:43:00,412 --> 00:43:02,914 Now, if my calculations are correct... 1093 00:43:02,956 --> 00:43:05,083 all these things will begin to pay off... 1094 00:43:05,125 --> 00:43:08,336 once he passes through the Brandenburg Gate. 1095 00:45:07,706 --> 00:45:11,084 You can forward my mail care of American Express in Moscow. 1096 00:45:11,126 --> 00:45:13,420 And "Vogue" magazine and "Screen Romances." 1097 00:45:13,461 --> 00:45:16,214 All right, If you promise to send me "Pravda" every day... 1098 00:45:16,256 --> 00:45:17,424 just the funnies. 1099 00:45:17,507 --> 00:45:18,925 He should be here by now. 1100 00:45:19,008 --> 00:45:20,510 What time is it? 1101 00:45:20,593 --> 00:45:22,804 6:25. Relax. 1102 00:45:23,972 --> 00:45:25,515 Danke schön, Danke schön. 1103 00:45:25,598 --> 00:45:26,516 Don't mention it. 1104 00:45:26,599 --> 00:45:28,810 Are you sure you want to leave her that coat? 1105 00:45:28,893 --> 00:45:29,769 Oh, yes. 1106 00:45:29,853 --> 00:45:31,646 Otto thinks every woman should have a mink. 1107 00:45:31,730 --> 00:45:33,231 I'm with Otto. 1108 00:45:33,314 --> 00:45:36,067 Well, maybe she'll let me borrow it on my night out. 1109 00:45:37,569 --> 00:45:41,197 Do you realize that Otto spelled backwards is Otto? 1110 00:45:41,239 --> 00:45:42,323 How about that? 1111 00:45:42,407 --> 00:45:43,408 You'll like him. 1112 00:45:43,491 --> 00:45:46,411 He looks just like Jack Kennedy, only he's younger... 1113 00:45:46,494 --> 00:45:48,413 and he has more upstairs. 1114 00:45:48,496 --> 00:45:49,414 More brains? 1115 00:45:49,497 --> 00:45:50,707 More hair. 1116 00:45:50,832 --> 00:45:53,710 And of course, ideologically, he's much sounder. 1117 00:45:53,835 --> 00:45:55,587 Maybe we voted for the wrong man. 1118 00:45:55,670 --> 00:45:57,172 That couldn't happen in Russia. 1119 00:45:57,255 --> 00:45:58,214 They don't make mistakes? 1120 00:45:58,256 --> 00:45:59,632 They don't vote. 1121 00:46:01,551 --> 00:46:04,929 Have you ever made love to a revolutionary? 1122 00:46:05,013 --> 00:46:08,641 No, but I once necked with a Stevenson Democrat. 1123 00:46:08,725 --> 00:46:11,978 We'll, I've been engaged four times, so I know about men... 1124 00:46:12,061 --> 00:46:14,397 and those subversives, they're the wildest! 1125 00:46:14,481 --> 00:46:15,690 - Really? - No contest. 1126 00:46:15,732 --> 00:46:18,568 And I just thought we were lagging behind in missiles. 1127 00:46:25,366 --> 00:46:27,452 Hiya, girls. Wie gehts? Was ist cooking? 1128 00:46:27,535 --> 00:46:29,329 Bertha, you better take Miss Hazeltine's luggage... 1129 00:46:29,412 --> 00:46:30,997 back upstairs. 1130 00:46:32,832 --> 00:46:34,542 Back upstairs? She's leaving. 1131 00:46:34,584 --> 00:46:35,627 I wouldn't count on it. 1132 00:46:35,710 --> 00:46:37,086 Bourbon and soda, anyone? 1133 00:46:37,754 --> 00:46:39,506 What's he talking about? 1134 00:46:39,589 --> 00:46:41,341 Otto's coming to pick me up any minute. 1135 00:46:41,424 --> 00:46:42,383 Oh, no, he's not. 1136 00:46:42,425 --> 00:46:44,969 Otto's been picked up himself by the East German police. 1137 00:46:45,053 --> 00:46:46,513 Police? What for? 1138 00:46:46,596 --> 00:46:47,514 Who knows? 1139 00:46:47,597 --> 00:46:48,515 Over there, they toss people in jail... 1140 00:46:48,598 --> 00:46:50,141 like we throw away used Kleenex. 1141 00:46:50,225 --> 00:46:51,142 In jail? 1142 00:46:51,226 --> 00:46:52,435 How do you know? 1143 00:46:52,519 --> 00:46:53,561 Bad news travels fast. 1144 00:46:53,603 --> 00:46:54,562 Say when. 1145 00:46:54,604 --> 00:46:56,272 Where is he? I must go to him. 1146 00:46:56,356 --> 00:46:57,273 That's the worst thing you can do. 1147 00:46:57,357 --> 00:46:58,650 He's in trouble enough already. 1148 00:46:58,733 --> 00:47:00,777 But he's my husband. I want to help him. 1149 00:47:00,860 --> 00:47:01,778 We all do. 1150 00:47:01,861 --> 00:47:02,779 That's why we have to get the marriage... 1151 00:47:02,862 --> 00:47:03,780 annulled right away. 1152 00:47:03,863 --> 00:47:05,156 Annulled? Now wait a minute, Mac. 1153 00:47:05,240 --> 00:47:06,157 Look. 1154 00:47:06,241 --> 00:47:08,827 If on top of everything else, they find out he's married... 1155 00:47:08,910 --> 00:47:11,371 to the parasite daughter of an American capitalist... 1156 00:47:11,412 --> 00:47:13,122 they'll send him up for twenty years... 1157 00:47:13,206 --> 00:47:16,751 slaving away in the salt mines, schlepping those heavy bags... 1158 00:47:16,793 --> 00:47:19,712 barefoot through the snow with nothing to keep him warm... 1159 00:47:19,754 --> 00:47:21,881 but the hot breath of the Cossacks. 1160 00:47:21,923 --> 00:47:23,174 Otto! 1161 00:47:25,426 --> 00:47:26,970 Nice work, Mac. 1162 00:47:27,512 --> 00:47:29,472 Scarlett. Scarlett! 1163 00:47:30,807 --> 00:47:32,433 Try some ice. 1164 00:47:32,475 --> 00:47:34,894 Bertha, call Dr. Bauer, will you? 1165 00:47:35,895 --> 00:47:37,981 I will call the doctor... 1166 00:47:38,064 --> 00:47:41,234 but I will not give back the mink coat. 1167 00:47:48,241 --> 00:47:51,286 The temperature, she is normal. 1168 00:47:52,620 --> 00:47:54,163 Der pulse... 1169 00:47:55,415 --> 00:47:56,374 What's the matter, doctor? 1170 00:47:56,416 --> 00:47:59,419 I have missed the first act of "The Valkyrie." 1171 00:47:59,502 --> 00:48:02,005 Der pulse is normal. 1172 00:48:07,927 --> 00:48:10,597 Das ist definitely nicht normal. 1173 00:48:11,472 --> 00:48:13,057 I'll fix that. 1174 00:48:17,103 --> 00:48:19,063 Cut it out, kids. 1175 00:48:19,147 --> 00:48:20,315 Scarlett is sick. 1176 00:48:20,398 --> 00:48:22,567 If she dies, can I have my room back? 1177 00:48:26,029 --> 00:48:27,739 How would I know? I'm not a lawyer. 1178 00:48:27,780 --> 00:48:29,032 That's your job. 1179 00:48:30,116 --> 00:48:32,118 What am I paying you for? 1180 00:48:32,201 --> 00:48:34,913 You must have some contacts in East Berlin. 1181 00:48:34,954 --> 00:48:37,415 No! I don't want the marriage just annulled. 1182 00:48:37,457 --> 00:48:39,208 I want it wiped off the books. 1183 00:48:39,250 --> 00:48:40,668 I don't care how you do it. 1184 00:48:40,752 --> 00:48:42,503 Bribe one of the clerks over there. 1185 00:48:42,587 --> 00:48:43,671 Destroy the file. 1186 00:48:43,755 --> 00:48:45,840 Look. If you guys could burn down the Reichstag... 1187 00:48:45,924 --> 00:48:48,301 you can set a match to one measly marriage certificate... 1188 00:48:48,384 --> 00:48:50,094 and it has to be done tonight! 1189 00:48:51,512 --> 00:48:52,639 Cheers. 1190 00:48:52,722 --> 00:48:54,515 Feeling pretty good, aren't you, mein Führer? 1191 00:48:54,599 --> 00:48:55,516 Not bad. 1192 00:48:55,600 --> 00:48:56,976 You framed that poor boy. 1193 00:48:57,060 --> 00:48:58,186 You bet I did. 1194 00:48:58,227 --> 00:48:59,562 I'm not gonna let that Communist kook... 1195 00:48:59,604 --> 00:49:00,563 ruin somebody's life. 1196 00:49:00,647 --> 00:49:01,731 But she loves him. 1197 00:49:01,773 --> 00:49:03,232 Not her life, mine! 1198 00:49:03,316 --> 00:49:05,735 I'm all set for the London job. You want me to blow it? 1199 00:49:05,818 --> 00:49:06,736 I couldn't care less. 1200 00:49:06,819 --> 00:49:08,404 I'm fed up with this whole deal... 1201 00:49:08,446 --> 00:49:09,739 Hopping all around the map... 1202 00:49:09,781 --> 00:49:11,532 from Baghdad to Caracas to Cape Town... 1203 00:49:11,574 --> 00:49:13,117 dragging our young behind us. 1204 00:49:13,201 --> 00:49:14,118 Who needs it? 1205 00:49:14,202 --> 00:49:15,119 What would you suggest? 1206 00:49:15,203 --> 00:49:17,664 Well, why can't you get yourself a nice, permanent job... 1207 00:49:17,747 --> 00:49:19,248 with the home office in Atlanta? 1208 00:49:19,332 --> 00:49:21,334 Atlanta? You can't be serious. 1209 00:49:21,417 --> 00:49:23,211 That's Siberia with mint juleps! 1210 00:49:23,252 --> 00:49:25,004 Mac, I've had it. I want to go home. 1211 00:49:25,088 --> 00:49:26,005 Give me one good reason. 1212 00:49:26,089 --> 00:49:27,090 All right. 1213 00:49:27,173 --> 00:49:28,800 Cindy has to have her teeth straightened. 1214 00:49:28,883 --> 00:49:29,926 Tommy is ten years old. 1215 00:49:30,051 --> 00:49:32,261 He's never had a peanut butter sandwich. 1216 00:49:32,303 --> 00:49:33,888 And for a change, I'd like to see "Gunsmoke"... 1217 00:49:33,930 --> 00:49:36,224 not in German or Portuguese or Swahili! 1218 00:49:36,265 --> 00:49:37,892 You want to go home and pay taxes? 1219 00:49:37,934 --> 00:49:40,311 We've got it made... Big house, servants... 1220 00:49:40,395 --> 00:49:42,230 limousine, fat expense account... 1221 00:49:42,313 --> 00:49:43,231 and you want to give all that up... 1222 00:49:43,314 --> 00:49:44,565 for a peanut butter sandwich? 1223 00:49:44,607 --> 00:49:45,733 Oh, it's a great life for you. 1224 00:49:45,817 --> 00:49:47,318 Everywhere we go, you find yourself... 1225 00:49:47,402 --> 00:49:48,444 some friendly secretary... 1226 00:49:48,528 --> 00:49:50,405 who gives language lessons on the side. 1227 00:49:50,446 --> 00:49:51,489 What does that mean? 1228 00:49:51,572 --> 00:49:53,157 I can always tell when you've got a new teacher. 1229 00:49:53,241 --> 00:49:55,743 You start wearing your elevator shoes to the office. 1230 00:49:55,785 --> 00:49:56,744 Phyllis, are you implying... 1231 00:49:56,828 --> 00:49:57,912 I've known it for years. 1232 00:49:57,954 --> 00:49:59,539 And you never said anything to me about it? 1233 00:49:59,580 --> 00:50:00,581 That's not fair! 1234 00:50:00,623 --> 00:50:03,501 I just didn't want to be one of those nagging American wives... 1235 00:50:03,584 --> 00:50:04,752 but maybe I was wrong. 1236 00:50:04,836 --> 00:50:07,088 Maybe we should have had it out a long time ago. 1237 00:50:11,968 --> 00:50:12,969 How is she, doctor? 1238 00:50:13,052 --> 00:50:14,262 Perfectly normal. 1239 00:50:14,345 --> 00:50:16,681 She keeps asking for somebody named Otto. 1240 00:50:16,764 --> 00:50:18,099 Otto? Never heard of him. 1241 00:50:18,141 --> 00:50:19,558 But she's going to be all right. 1242 00:50:19,559 --> 00:50:20,893 Hundert prozent. 1243 00:50:20,977 --> 00:50:23,855 You will be happy to know that the young lady is... 1244 00:50:23,896 --> 00:50:26,399 How do you say it in English? Schwanger? 1245 00:50:26,482 --> 00:50:27,400 Schwanger? 1246 00:50:27,483 --> 00:50:28,401 What's that? 1247 00:50:28,484 --> 00:50:29,402 You're the one who's studying German. 1248 00:50:29,485 --> 00:50:31,070 Schwanger. You know. 1249 00:50:31,154 --> 00:50:33,948 Such a dummkopf I am! Schwanger. 1250 00:50:34,032 --> 00:50:35,742 Schwanger, schwanger. 1251 00:50:35,783 --> 00:50:36,909 I know what it means. 1252 00:50:38,244 --> 00:50:39,203 What? 1253 00:50:39,245 --> 00:50:41,164 You told me not to use words like that. 1254 00:50:41,247 --> 00:50:42,582 Come on! 1255 00:50:42,665 --> 00:50:44,167 You want me to tell you? 1256 00:50:44,250 --> 00:50:45,209 Please! 1257 00:50:45,251 --> 00:50:47,545 Scarlett's gonna have puppies. 1258 00:50:49,005 --> 00:50:49,964 What? 1259 00:50:50,006 --> 00:50:50,965 She's pregnant? 1260 00:50:51,007 --> 00:50:53,593 That is the word. Pregnant! 1261 00:50:53,634 --> 00:50:54,594 Auf Wiedersehen. 1262 00:50:54,635 --> 00:50:56,220 Schwanger is pregnant. 1263 00:50:56,262 --> 00:50:58,306 Pregnant is schwanger. 1264 00:51:02,727 --> 00:51:05,855 Mother of mercy. Is this the end of Little Rico? 1265 00:51:06,481 --> 00:51:07,982 All right, children, back to your room. 1266 00:51:08,066 --> 00:51:09,525 Get ready for bed. 1267 00:51:12,695 --> 00:51:14,739 I wonder what it's like to work for Pepsi Cola. 1268 00:51:14,822 --> 00:51:15,990 Please, Phyllis. 1269 00:51:16,074 --> 00:51:17,867 So tomorrow, Mr. and Mrs. Hazeltine... 1270 00:51:17,909 --> 00:51:19,535 will arrive at the airport... 1271 00:51:19,577 --> 00:51:21,245 and there will be little Scarlett... 1272 00:51:21,329 --> 00:51:25,416 unchanged, unspoiled, unwed, just slightly schwanger. 1273 00:51:25,500 --> 00:51:26,417 Cheers. 1274 00:51:26,501 --> 00:51:28,336 Phyllis, I'm trying to think! 1275 00:51:28,419 --> 00:51:29,712 Think fast, Mr. Moto... 1276 00:51:29,754 --> 00:51:31,589 because there will be a few questions asked... 1277 00:51:31,672 --> 00:51:33,382 like, for instance, who's the father? 1278 00:51:33,424 --> 00:51:35,218 I'll have the answers when the time comes. 1279 00:51:35,259 --> 00:51:37,345 You better have Otto when the time comes. 1280 00:51:37,428 --> 00:51:40,723 Otto? That would be disaster! 1281 00:51:40,765 --> 00:51:42,558 Let me see. 1282 00:51:42,600 --> 00:51:44,811 She was secretly married... 1283 00:51:44,894 --> 00:51:47,105 to somebody in the American embassy. 1284 00:51:47,188 --> 00:51:48,356 They were honeymooning in the Alps... 1285 00:51:48,397 --> 00:51:50,399 and he was killed by an avalanche. 1286 00:51:50,483 --> 00:51:52,902 Nah! That's no good. 1287 00:51:52,985 --> 00:51:55,613 He was sent on a secret mission behind the Iron Curtain... 1288 00:51:55,696 --> 00:51:56,948 never heard from again! 1289 00:51:57,031 --> 00:51:58,950 As a matter of fact, the whole thing was so secret... 1290 00:51:59,033 --> 00:52:00,576 we can't even mention his name. 1291 00:52:00,660 --> 00:52:02,453 Now you're really running amuck. 1292 00:52:02,537 --> 00:52:04,247 You think Scarlett is going to stand still for... 1293 00:52:04,330 --> 00:52:06,916 Better a dead hero than a live Communist. 1294 00:52:06,999 --> 00:52:07,917 First thing in the morning... 1295 00:52:08,000 --> 00:52:09,502 I'll pick up a distinguished service medal. 1296 00:52:09,585 --> 00:52:12,255 It was awarded to him posthumously. 1297 00:52:12,296 --> 00:52:15,299 And while you're at it, pin one on yourself... 1298 00:52:15,383 --> 00:52:18,636 First-class heel with oak leaf cluster. 1299 00:52:18,719 --> 00:52:20,388 Well, what do you want me to do? 1300 00:52:20,429 --> 00:52:22,265 I had enough trouble getting the guy into jail. 1301 00:52:22,348 --> 00:52:24,600 It's gonna be ten times as tough to get him out! 1302 00:52:37,780 --> 00:52:38,865 Schlemmer! 1303 00:52:38,906 --> 00:52:40,533 Don't click your heels. 1304 00:52:40,575 --> 00:52:42,160 Schlemmer, I'm gonna need you tonight. 1305 00:52:42,243 --> 00:52:43,369 I'll pick you up in front of your house... 1306 00:52:43,411 --> 00:52:44,579 in exactly ten minutes. 1307 00:52:44,620 --> 00:52:45,746 Meanwhile, call Ingeborg. 1308 00:52:45,788 --> 00:52:46,747 Tell her it's an emergency. 1309 00:52:46,831 --> 00:52:48,499 We'll pick her up in exactly twelve minutes. 1310 00:52:48,583 --> 00:52:49,876 Over and out! 1311 00:53:13,274 --> 00:53:14,233 Wo fahren Sie hin? 1312 00:53:14,275 --> 00:53:15,234 Ost Berlin. 1313 00:53:15,276 --> 00:53:16,527 - Papiere. - American citizen. 1314 00:53:16,569 --> 00:53:17,737 What is purpose of your visit? 1315 00:53:17,820 --> 00:53:19,405 I'm going to see Commissar Peripetchikoff... 1316 00:53:19,488 --> 00:53:20,907 chairman of the Russian Trade Commission. 1317 00:53:20,990 --> 00:53:21,991 - What for? - On business. 1318 00:53:22,074 --> 00:53:23,409 I represent Coca-Cola. 1319 00:53:23,492 --> 00:53:25,703 Coca-Cola? You have proof? 1320 00:53:25,745 --> 00:53:27,121 Will this do? 1321 00:53:29,207 --> 00:53:30,291 I confiscate proof. 1322 00:53:30,374 --> 00:53:31,792 Fair enough. Just return the empties. 1323 00:53:31,876 --> 00:53:33,252 OK. Proceed. 1324 00:53:44,305 --> 00:53:47,141 If I may say so, this whole idea is crazy. 1325 00:53:47,308 --> 00:53:49,143 It will not work. I can feel it. 1326 00:53:49,310 --> 00:53:50,311 And I'm scared. 1327 00:53:50,353 --> 00:53:51,395 Pull yourself together, Schlemmer. 1328 00:53:51,479 --> 00:53:52,480 - That's an order. - Yes, sir. 1329 00:53:53,189 --> 00:53:56,108 I'm scared, also. Not for myself. 1330 00:53:56,192 --> 00:53:58,736 I only worry something will happen to my new dress. 1331 00:53:58,819 --> 00:54:01,072 I'll buy you a half a dozen dresses. 1332 00:54:01,155 --> 00:54:02,531 They're staying at the Grand Hotel Potemkin. 1333 00:54:02,573 --> 00:54:03,532 Do you know where that is? 1334 00:54:03,574 --> 00:54:05,868 Yes, sir. It used to be the Great Hotel Göring... 1335 00:54:05,910 --> 00:54:08,287 and before that, it was the Great Hotel Bismarck. 1336 00:55:19,734 --> 00:55:20,901 Hey! 1337 00:55:21,861 --> 00:55:23,487 Gospodin MacNamara. 1338 00:55:23,529 --> 00:55:26,365 If it isn't my old friend Hart, Schaffner, and Karl Marx. 1339 00:55:26,407 --> 00:55:28,242 I see you bring blond lady with you. 1340 00:55:28,326 --> 00:55:29,618 Ring a ding ding. 1341 00:55:29,702 --> 00:55:31,954 Sit down! Sit down, my friends. 1342 00:55:32,038 --> 00:55:33,706 - Join us. - Right here, Fräulein. 1343 00:55:33,789 --> 00:55:35,708 I said Karl Marx, not Groucho. 1344 00:55:35,750 --> 00:55:37,877 To what do we owe this unexpected pleasure? 1345 00:55:37,960 --> 00:55:39,920 Well, you're a trade commission. I thought we might trade. 1346 00:55:40,004 --> 00:55:40,921 Coca-Cola? 1347 00:55:41,005 --> 00:55:42,089 No, but I hear you boys would like... 1348 00:55:42,173 --> 00:55:43,758 Fräulein Ingeborg to go to work for you. 1349 00:55:43,841 --> 00:55:44,925 You want to trade your secretary? 1350 00:55:45,009 --> 00:55:46,385 - Right. - For Russian secretary? 1351 00:55:46,427 --> 00:55:47,762 - Wrong. - I do not blame you. 1352 00:55:47,845 --> 00:55:50,264 Ours is built like bowlegged samovar. 1353 00:55:55,519 --> 00:55:57,521 We find proposition very interesting. 1354 00:55:57,605 --> 00:55:58,856 Now, what can we offer you? 1355 00:55:58,939 --> 00:56:00,858 Actually, all I want from you is a small favor. 1356 00:56:00,900 --> 00:56:02,693 Small favor, big favor... anything. 1357 00:56:02,777 --> 00:56:04,070 There's a guy named Otto Ludwig Piffl. 1358 00:56:04,153 --> 00:56:05,696 He's being held by the East German police. 1359 00:56:05,780 --> 00:56:06,864 For what reason? 1360 00:56:06,947 --> 00:56:08,366 Son of a gun stole my cuckoo clock. 1361 00:56:08,449 --> 00:56:10,826 - You want cuckoo clock back? - Wrong. 1362 00:56:10,868 --> 00:56:12,036 - You want Piffl back? - Right. 1363 00:56:12,119 --> 00:56:13,287 Impossible, my friend. 1364 00:56:13,371 --> 00:56:14,914 We cannot interfere with internal affairs... 1365 00:56:14,997 --> 00:56:16,957 of Sovereign Republic of East Germany. 1366 00:56:17,041 --> 00:56:19,001 No Piffl, no deal. Let's go, Ingeborg. 1367 00:56:19,043 --> 00:56:22,004 Wait! What is the hurry? You're not giving us a chance. 1368 00:56:22,046 --> 00:56:23,381 Is old Russian proverb. 1369 00:56:23,464 --> 00:56:25,841 You cannot milk cow with hands in pockets. 1370 00:56:25,883 --> 00:56:29,595 Herr Robert! Vodka! Caviar! 1371 00:56:29,678 --> 00:56:31,346 Herr Kapellmeister! 1372 00:56:31,347 --> 00:56:33,557 More rock'n'roll! 1373 00:56:53,202 --> 00:56:54,370 Hey! 1374 00:57:06,382 --> 00:57:08,217 You like this caviar? 1375 00:57:08,300 --> 00:57:10,219 We give you a hundred pounds. 1376 00:57:10,261 --> 00:57:11,804 I want Piffl. 1377 00:57:43,919 --> 00:57:46,005 Would you take new automobile? 1378 00:57:46,046 --> 00:57:49,884 1961 Moskvich hardtop convertible... two-toned. 1379 00:57:49,925 --> 00:57:52,261 You mean that Russian hot rod parked outside? 1380 00:57:52,344 --> 00:57:56,265 Is wonderful car. Is exact copy of 1937 Nash. 1381 00:57:56,348 --> 00:57:57,725 Not interested. 1382 00:58:40,643 --> 00:58:42,645 We will give you Chinese cigarettes... 1383 00:58:42,686 --> 00:58:44,438 Armenian rugs... 1384 00:58:44,522 --> 00:58:45,814 Bulgarian yogurt? 1385 00:58:45,856 --> 00:58:47,233 Piffl or nothing. 1386 00:58:48,734 --> 00:58:49,693 I know what. 1387 00:58:49,735 --> 00:58:53,197 We have warehouse full of Spam left over from lend-lease. 1388 00:58:53,280 --> 00:58:55,199 It's 5:00, and we're getting nowhere. 1389 00:58:55,241 --> 00:58:57,535 Ingeborg, put your shoes on. 1390 00:58:57,618 --> 00:59:00,704 One more minute, please. Summit conference! 1391 00:59:05,584 --> 00:59:08,128 Before we make deal, we want right of inspection. 1392 00:59:08,963 --> 00:59:09,880 I veto it. 1393 00:59:09,964 --> 00:59:11,715 I thought so. 1394 00:59:11,799 --> 00:59:13,676 Well, comrades, what are we going to do? 1395 00:59:13,717 --> 00:59:15,135 He's got it, we want it. 1396 00:59:15,219 --> 00:59:16,220 Are we going to accept... 1397 00:59:16,262 --> 00:59:18,180 his blackmailing capitalistic deal? 1398 00:59:18,222 --> 00:59:19,682 - Let us take a vote. - I vote yes. 1399 00:59:20,266 --> 00:59:21,725 Two out of three. Deal is on. 1400 00:59:21,767 --> 00:59:23,102 Comrades, before we get in trouble... 1401 00:59:23,185 --> 00:59:24,520 I must warn you... 1402 00:59:24,562 --> 00:59:26,564 I'm not really from Soft Drink Secretariat. 1403 00:59:26,647 --> 00:59:29,316 I'm undercover agent assigned to watch you. 1404 00:59:29,358 --> 00:59:31,527 In that case, I vote no. Deal is off. 1405 00:59:31,569 --> 00:59:32,820 But I vote yes. 1406 00:59:32,861 --> 00:59:35,322 Two out of three again! Deal is on. 1407 01:00:03,100 --> 01:00:04,560 OK, kids, strip for action. 1408 01:00:06,186 --> 01:00:08,522 It was an itsy-bitsy teeny-weeny. 1409 01:00:08,606 --> 01:00:09,898 Yellow polka dot bikini. 1410 01:00:09,982 --> 01:00:11,066 Nein. 1411 01:00:11,150 --> 01:00:13,819 That she wore for the first time today. 1412 01:00:13,861 --> 01:00:18,157 An itsy-bitsy teeny-weeny yellow polka dot bikini. 1413 01:00:18,198 --> 01:00:21,410 So in the locker she wanted to stay. 1414 01:00:32,338 --> 01:00:34,006 Nein! 1415 01:00:36,300 --> 01:00:37,468 C.I.A.? 1416 01:00:48,729 --> 01:00:49,897 Nein. 1417 01:00:50,898 --> 01:00:52,066 Nein. 1418 01:01:19,343 --> 01:01:20,344 C.I.A... 1419 01:01:45,577 --> 01:01:46,745 Borodenko. 1420 01:01:56,672 --> 01:01:58,549 Amerikanischer Spion? 1421 01:01:58,632 --> 01:01:59,925 Moment. 1422 01:02:01,051 --> 01:02:01,969 Did you hear that? 1423 01:02:02,052 --> 01:02:04,555 He is a confessed American spy. 1424 01:02:04,638 --> 01:02:06,140 In that case, I want nothing to do with it... 1425 01:02:06,223 --> 01:02:08,058 because if they ever find out in Moscow... 1426 01:02:08,100 --> 01:02:10,185 He's right. No secretary is worth that risk. 1427 01:02:10,269 --> 01:02:11,186 On the other hand... 1428 01:02:11,270 --> 01:02:12,271 why should they find out in Moscow? 1429 01:02:12,354 --> 01:02:13,522 I will not inform them. 1430 01:02:13,605 --> 01:02:14,773 But if they do find out... 1431 01:02:14,857 --> 01:02:16,984 then we just cross the border into West Berlin. 1432 01:02:17,025 --> 01:02:19,236 That is easy for you to say. You are a bachelor. 1433 01:02:19,319 --> 01:02:20,362 But if I defect... 1434 01:02:20,404 --> 01:02:22,197 you know what they will do to my family? 1435 01:02:22,239 --> 01:02:24,450 They will line them up against the wall and shoot them... 1436 01:02:24,533 --> 01:02:26,076 My wife and my mother-in-law... 1437 01:02:26,160 --> 01:02:28,036 and my sister-in-law and my brother-in-law. 1438 01:02:29,288 --> 01:02:30,873 Comrades, let's do it. 1439 01:02:50,517 --> 01:02:53,145 You tried to bamboozle us. You say he's cuckoo clock thief. 1440 01:02:53,187 --> 01:02:55,022 We know he's American spy. 1441 01:02:56,023 --> 01:02:56,940 Shh. 1442 01:02:57,024 --> 01:02:59,401 You'd better get him out of here before we all get into trouble. 1443 01:02:59,485 --> 01:03:00,652 Right. 1444 01:03:02,905 --> 01:03:05,157 It's a pleasure to do business with you boys. 1445 01:03:05,199 --> 01:03:08,118 Wait! Where is blond lady? 1446 01:03:08,202 --> 01:03:09,369 I'll send her right over. 1447 01:03:40,192 --> 01:03:41,860 Oh, you poor baby. 1448 01:03:41,902 --> 01:03:44,571 - Did you hurt yourself? - Let me help you. 1449 01:03:46,240 --> 01:03:48,367 He has bamboozled us again. 1450 01:04:11,640 --> 01:04:12,891 Those Russians... 1451 01:04:12,933 --> 01:04:14,601 I hope they were not too disappointed. 1452 01:04:14,685 --> 01:04:15,769 That's their problem. 1453 01:04:15,853 --> 01:04:17,855 Actually, they were very cute. 1454 01:04:17,938 --> 01:04:19,606 I can't decide which one I like the best... 1455 01:04:19,690 --> 01:04:21,942 the big fat one or the bald one. 1456 01:04:22,025 --> 01:04:23,193 That's Schlemmer's problem. 1457 01:04:33,287 --> 01:04:34,621 Fritz, what's that behind us? 1458 01:04:36,290 --> 01:04:38,125 Looks like a 1937 Nash. 1459 01:04:38,208 --> 01:04:39,376 OK. Step on it. 1460 01:05:48,028 --> 01:05:49,196 Halt! 1461 01:05:53,116 --> 01:05:55,452 You remember us. We came through earlier. 1462 01:05:55,535 --> 01:05:56,703 You wait. 1463 01:06:14,054 --> 01:06:15,222 Here is empties. 1464 01:06:41,164 --> 01:06:42,541 Let's go, Fritz. 1465 01:06:59,516 --> 01:07:03,770 Itsy-bitsy teeny-weeny yellow polka dot bikini. 1466 01:07:06,523 --> 01:07:07,941 Drop dead. 1467 01:07:25,375 --> 01:07:27,502 That's enough, Ingeborg. Cut it out! 1468 01:07:27,544 --> 01:07:29,296 Why are you so unfriendly this morning? 1469 01:07:29,379 --> 01:07:31,256 I thought everything was wunderbar. 1470 01:07:31,339 --> 01:07:32,507 Some wunderbar. 1471 01:07:32,549 --> 01:07:34,468 Can you imagine what's going to happen at noon... 1472 01:07:34,551 --> 01:07:36,553 when the Hazeltines step off that plane... 1473 01:07:36,636 --> 01:07:39,473 and get a load of their new son-in-law? 1474 01:07:39,556 --> 01:07:40,599 You slob. 1475 01:07:40,682 --> 01:07:43,018 And when he opens his big fat red mouth... 1476 01:07:43,060 --> 01:07:44,061 it's good-bye, Charlie. 1477 01:07:44,144 --> 01:07:45,270 Who is Charlie? 1478 01:07:45,353 --> 01:07:47,230 Charles H. Kaput. 1479 01:07:47,314 --> 01:07:48,857 What's keeping Scarlett? I wish she'd get here. 1480 01:07:48,899 --> 01:07:50,317 I wish Schlemmer would get here... 1481 01:07:50,358 --> 01:07:52,486 Or anyway, send my dress back. 1482 01:07:52,527 --> 01:07:53,904 What do you want in this... Cream, sugar? 1483 01:07:53,987 --> 01:07:54,905 Just a couple of lumps of Benzedrine. 1484 01:07:54,988 --> 01:07:56,782 It's going to be a rough day. 1485 01:08:12,547 --> 01:08:14,716 You'd better put something on. 1486 01:08:14,758 --> 01:08:16,343 Your goose pimples are showing. 1487 01:08:17,552 --> 01:08:20,722 Ooh, that's nothing. You should see my sister. 1488 01:08:29,022 --> 01:08:29,981 Where is he? 1489 01:08:30,023 --> 01:08:30,982 Scarlett... 1490 01:08:31,024 --> 01:08:33,193 before that maniac wakes up, I've got to talk to you. 1491 01:08:33,235 --> 01:08:35,070 There's only one way out of this mess. 1492 01:08:35,153 --> 01:08:37,697 Otto. Otto, darling. 1493 01:08:37,739 --> 01:08:39,658 Otto, it's me... Scarlett. 1494 01:08:39,699 --> 01:08:42,994 Otto. Otto, darling, wake up. 1495 01:08:43,036 --> 01:08:44,746 - Otto. - Scarlett? 1496 01:08:44,830 --> 01:08:47,916 Darling, I have something very exciting to tell you. 1497 01:08:47,999 --> 01:08:49,334 How did I get here? 1498 01:08:55,924 --> 01:08:57,884 You! 1499 01:08:57,926 --> 01:08:59,719 I should take that wedding present... 1500 01:08:59,803 --> 01:09:00,971 and break it over your head. 1501 01:09:01,054 --> 01:09:02,973 That's gratitude after all the trouble I went through... 1502 01:09:03,056 --> 01:09:04,057 to get you out of jail. 1503 01:09:04,099 --> 01:09:05,350 - You got me into jail! - So we're even. 1504 01:09:05,392 --> 01:09:08,854 You know, yesterday, when you didn't show up, I fainted. 1505 01:09:08,937 --> 01:09:10,355 It's all his fault. 1506 01:09:10,397 --> 01:09:11,481 Well, not entirely. 1507 01:09:11,523 --> 01:09:13,358 Don't you want to hear what the doctor said? 1508 01:09:13,400 --> 01:09:14,943 Get him some coffee. He's gonna need it. 1509 01:09:15,026 --> 01:09:16,069 From you, I don't need anything. 1510 01:09:16,153 --> 01:09:17,487 I'm gonna have a baby. 1511 01:09:17,529 --> 01:09:18,488 If my wife wasn't here... 1512 01:09:18,530 --> 01:09:19,990 and if she wasn't gonna have a baby... 1513 01:09:21,032 --> 01:09:23,368 - What? - That's right. 1514 01:09:23,451 --> 01:09:25,453 Liebchen! Oh! 1515 01:09:27,956 --> 01:09:29,457 That's just what the world needs... 1516 01:09:29,541 --> 01:09:31,877 Another bouncing baby Bolshevik. 1517 01:09:33,211 --> 01:09:35,213 I was so afraid you wouldn't want it. 1518 01:09:35,297 --> 01:09:36,840 Oh, you little fool. I want dozens! 1519 01:09:36,882 --> 01:09:38,008 So do I. 1520 01:09:38,049 --> 01:09:39,634 So does the Party. They encourage it. 1521 01:09:39,718 --> 01:09:41,386 We must outproduce the West! 1522 01:09:41,469 --> 01:09:43,722 I hear they got a new plan now. 1523 01:09:43,763 --> 01:09:45,974 Instead of one woman taking nine months to have a baby... 1524 01:09:46,016 --> 01:09:47,017 they're gonna put nine women to work on it... 1525 01:09:47,100 --> 01:09:48,018 and do it in one month. 1526 01:09:48,101 --> 01:09:49,352 The minute we arrive in Moscow... 1527 01:09:49,436 --> 01:09:50,604 we must get on the waiting list... 1528 01:09:50,687 --> 01:09:51,855 for the People's Maternity Ward... 1529 01:09:51,938 --> 01:09:53,481 and the People's Obstetrician. 1530 01:09:53,523 --> 01:09:56,276 No. I'd like to fly over my own doctor from Atlanta... 1531 01:09:56,359 --> 01:09:58,195 and my own nurse and my governess. 1532 01:09:58,236 --> 01:09:59,279 What for? 1533 01:09:59,362 --> 01:10:01,198 The State takes care of everything! 1534 01:10:01,239 --> 01:10:03,491 At the age of six months, the baby will be enrolled... 1535 01:10:03,533 --> 01:10:05,118 in the People's Nursery School. 1536 01:10:05,202 --> 01:10:07,037 Naturally, we will have visiting rights... 1537 01:10:07,120 --> 01:10:08,038 every other Sunday. 1538 01:10:08,121 --> 01:10:09,456 Every other Sunday? 1539 01:10:09,539 --> 01:10:12,542 You can bring him some pabulum with a file in it. 1540 01:10:12,626 --> 01:10:14,878 Imperialist stooge! 1541 01:10:15,629 --> 01:10:17,714 And of course, we'll see him on May Day. 1542 01:10:17,797 --> 01:10:19,341 He'll be marching by in the parade. 1543 01:10:19,382 --> 01:10:21,176 We can wave to him. 1544 01:10:21,301 --> 01:10:23,511 You can also wave to him on Lenin's birthday... 1545 01:10:23,553 --> 01:10:25,513 and on Yuri Gagarin's birthday. 1546 01:10:25,555 --> 01:10:26,973 That kid will be parading all the time. 1547 01:10:27,057 --> 01:10:29,517 Well, at least it'll keep him off the streets. 1548 01:10:29,601 --> 01:10:30,810 The tickets. 1549 01:10:30,852 --> 01:10:32,270 Where are the tickets? 1550 01:10:32,354 --> 01:10:34,272 We must find out when the next train leaves for Moscow. 1551 01:10:34,856 --> 01:10:37,692 Forget it, Piffl. You're not going to Moscow. 1552 01:10:37,776 --> 01:10:39,903 You can't even get back to East Berlin. 1553 01:10:39,986 --> 01:10:41,071 Why not? 1554 01:10:41,154 --> 01:10:43,198 Because you're an American spy. 1555 01:10:43,240 --> 01:10:44,449 Who said so? 1556 01:10:44,532 --> 01:10:45,450 You did. 1557 01:10:45,533 --> 01:10:46,701 Don't you remember last night at the police station? 1558 01:10:46,785 --> 01:10:49,913 You signed a confession... An amerikanischer Spion. 1559 01:10:50,914 --> 01:10:52,082 Nein. 1560 01:10:52,666 --> 01:10:53,833 Ja! 1561 01:10:54,501 --> 01:10:55,418 Isn't that thrilling? 1562 01:10:55,502 --> 01:10:57,671 Darling, why didn't you tell me? 1563 01:10:57,712 --> 01:10:58,880 But I'm... 1564 01:10:58,922 --> 01:11:00,548 I'm not a spy! It's not true! 1565 01:11:00,590 --> 01:11:01,549 Makes you think, doesn't it... 1566 01:11:01,633 --> 01:11:03,343 about all those other confessions they get? 1567 01:11:03,385 --> 01:11:04,344 Another hour, and they'd have had you... 1568 01:11:04,386 --> 01:11:06,972 confessing to germ warfare in Laos. 1569 01:11:07,055 --> 01:11:08,848 You did this to me. 1570 01:11:08,890 --> 01:11:09,891 You mean I gave you the third degree? 1571 01:11:09,975 --> 01:11:10,976 Or was it your Communist chums? 1572 01:11:11,017 --> 01:11:11,977 You will come with me. 1573 01:11:12,018 --> 01:11:12,978 You will tell them it was a trick. 1574 01:11:13,019 --> 01:11:13,979 Are you kidding? 1575 01:11:14,020 --> 01:11:16,398 Do you think they'd believe me, an imperialist stooge? 1576 01:11:16,481 --> 01:11:17,565 I shall kill you! 1577 01:11:17,649 --> 01:11:19,276 Take it easy, kid, or you'll wind up... 1578 01:11:19,359 --> 01:11:20,986 in the People's Emergency Hospital. 1579 01:11:22,904 --> 01:11:26,283 Otto, darling, what are we gonna call the baby? 1580 01:11:32,455 --> 01:11:36,209 My dress! What did you do to my dress? 1581 01:11:36,251 --> 01:11:37,711 Schlemmer. 1582 01:11:37,752 --> 01:11:38,712 Yes, sir. 1583 01:11:38,753 --> 01:11:40,255 I'm sorry I didn't shave this morning. 1584 01:11:40,338 --> 01:11:42,215 Look at my dress. It's ruined. 1585 01:11:42,257 --> 01:11:43,717 You have any trouble getting out of East Berlin? 1586 01:11:43,800 --> 01:11:45,719 No, but I had a little trouble in West Berlin. 1587 01:11:45,802 --> 01:11:47,595 I was picked up by an American soldier in a Jeep. 1588 01:11:47,679 --> 01:11:49,222 He was very fresh... 1589 01:11:49,264 --> 01:11:51,766 Wanted to take my picture for something called "Playboy"? 1590 01:11:51,850 --> 01:11:53,935 Get out of those silly clothes. We've got a lot of work to do. 1591 01:11:54,019 --> 01:11:55,770 Yes, sir. If I can have my suit. 1592 01:11:55,854 --> 01:11:57,022 It's in your office. 1593 01:12:05,071 --> 01:12:07,532 And it's gonna be such fun shopping. 1594 01:12:07,615 --> 01:12:10,035 We need a bassinet and a crib and a layette... 1595 01:12:10,076 --> 01:12:12,620 and we have to run down to Paris for a few days. 1596 01:12:12,704 --> 01:12:14,706 They have some marvy maternity clothes... 1597 01:12:14,748 --> 01:12:15,957 at Christian Dior's. 1598 01:12:16,041 --> 01:12:17,375 Darling, you have to forget all that. 1599 01:12:17,459 --> 01:12:19,169 We can't even afford milk for the baby. 1600 01:12:19,210 --> 01:12:21,671 Oh, the doctors have a whole new theory. 1601 01:12:21,713 --> 01:12:23,548 Milk's the worst thing for babies. 1602 01:12:23,631 --> 01:12:25,550 Scarlett, don't you understand? 1603 01:12:25,633 --> 01:12:28,219 I am through, finished, ausgespielt. 1604 01:12:28,261 --> 01:12:29,637 To the Communists, I'm an American spy. 1605 01:12:29,721 --> 01:12:31,556 To the Americans, I'm a Communist. 1606 01:12:31,598 --> 01:12:34,309 I have nothing... No home, no job... 1607 01:12:34,351 --> 01:12:36,019 not even my motorcycle. 1608 01:12:36,102 --> 01:12:38,646 That's tough. All you got is a rich wife. 1609 01:12:38,688 --> 01:12:41,316 He's right. In January, when I'm eighteen... 1610 01:12:41,358 --> 01:12:43,985 Daddy's giving me ten thousand shares of Coca-Cola stock. 1611 01:12:44,027 --> 01:12:46,196 I'm a worker, not a gigolo! 1612 01:12:46,237 --> 01:12:47,697 I will not take any money from you. 1613 01:12:47,781 --> 01:12:49,032 You bet you won't! 1614 01:12:49,074 --> 01:12:50,658 Because when your father finds out who you married... 1615 01:12:50,700 --> 01:12:53,078 he'll cut you off without a red cent. 1616 01:12:53,161 --> 01:12:54,245 You should pardon the expression. 1617 01:12:54,329 --> 01:12:55,330 I guess so. 1618 01:12:55,413 --> 01:12:57,415 Daddy has a fit every time I order anything... 1619 01:12:57,499 --> 01:12:58,917 with Russian dressing. 1620 01:12:59,000 --> 01:13:00,210 Looks bad, doesn't it? 1621 01:13:00,251 --> 01:13:01,211 But it's a good thing I like you kids. 1622 01:13:01,252 --> 01:13:02,212 I'm gonna help you... 1623 01:13:02,253 --> 01:13:03,838 if idiot-boy here will cooperate. 1624 01:13:03,880 --> 01:13:05,339 You go to hell! 1625 01:13:05,340 --> 01:13:06,925 Long distance. 1626 01:13:07,008 --> 01:13:09,177 Mr. Hazeltine calling from London. 1627 01:13:10,261 --> 01:13:11,221 London? 1628 01:13:11,262 --> 01:13:13,139 Uh-oh. The bloodhounds are closing in. 1629 01:13:14,557 --> 01:13:16,684 Hello? Yes, Mr. Hazeltine. This is MacNamara. 1630 01:13:16,726 --> 01:13:18,603 MacNamara, I'm gonna have your head for this. 1631 01:13:19,270 --> 01:13:20,563 What do you mean, for what? 1632 01:13:20,647 --> 01:13:21,898 We get off at the London airport... 1633 01:13:21,981 --> 01:13:22,941 to change planes... 1634 01:13:23,024 --> 01:13:24,859 and there's this telegram waiting for me. 1635 01:13:24,901 --> 01:13:25,860 "Congratulations." 1636 01:13:25,902 --> 01:13:27,612 "You are going to be a grandfather." 1637 01:13:27,695 --> 01:13:28,947 "Signed, MacNamara." 1638 01:13:29,030 --> 01:13:30,198 Is this your idea of a joke? 1639 01:13:30,698 --> 01:13:32,700 No, it's not my idea of a joke. 1640 01:13:32,742 --> 01:13:34,369 Did somebody send a telegram to your father? 1641 01:13:34,452 --> 01:13:36,955 Yes, Mrs. MacNamara. 1642 01:13:37,038 --> 01:13:38,206 Oh, she did. 1643 01:13:39,082 --> 01:13:40,125 Yes, it's true. 1644 01:13:40,208 --> 01:13:41,334 We didn't want you to be too surprised... 1645 01:13:41,376 --> 01:13:42,544 when you got here. 1646 01:13:43,711 --> 01:13:46,005 MacNamara, I send you a sweet, pure, innocent girl... 1647 01:13:46,047 --> 01:13:47,465 who isn't even eighteen yet, and... 1648 01:13:48,716 --> 01:13:49,884 What? 1649 01:13:50,718 --> 01:13:52,971 It's all right, Melanie. She's married. 1650 01:13:53,054 --> 01:13:54,222 Oh, thank heaven. 1651 01:13:54,305 --> 01:13:56,599 Wait a minute, MacNamara! Not so fast! 1652 01:13:56,641 --> 01:13:58,643 Just exactly who is she married to? 1653 01:13:59,644 --> 01:14:01,271 Oh, uh, I wouldn't worry about it. 1654 01:14:01,354 --> 01:14:04,023 He's a wonderful boy... Handsome, cultured... 1655 01:14:04,107 --> 01:14:06,776 comes from one of the best families in Europe. 1656 01:14:06,860 --> 01:14:08,361 You'll be crazy about him. 1657 01:14:08,445 --> 01:14:10,363 Yes, sir. We'll bring him along to the airport with us. 1658 01:14:10,405 --> 01:14:11,573 Happy landing. 1659 01:14:13,032 --> 01:14:14,159 Schlemmer! 1660 01:14:14,200 --> 01:14:15,243 What are you up to now? 1661 01:14:15,326 --> 01:14:17,704 All those lies. You can't fool Daddy that easy. 1662 01:14:17,787 --> 01:14:19,122 I didn't say it was gonna be easy... 1663 01:14:19,205 --> 01:14:20,206 but we sure can try. 1664 01:14:20,290 --> 01:14:21,332 Try what? 1665 01:14:21,374 --> 01:14:24,294 We're gonna turn this crumb bum into a perfect son-in-law... 1666 01:14:24,377 --> 01:14:26,129 and we've got exactly three hours and two minutes... 1667 01:14:26,212 --> 01:14:27,130 to do it in. 1668 01:14:27,213 --> 01:14:29,132 Oh, I get it. Isn't he clever? 1669 01:14:29,215 --> 01:14:30,133 Schlemmer! 1670 01:14:30,216 --> 01:14:32,218 I categorically refuse! 1671 01:14:32,302 --> 01:14:33,303 Sorry, sir. 1672 01:14:33,386 --> 01:14:34,888 I had difficulty getting out of the girdle. 1673 01:14:34,971 --> 01:14:36,890 Schlemmer, I want all of those people out there... 1674 01:14:36,973 --> 01:14:39,184 to drop everything and stand by for orders. 1675 01:14:39,267 --> 01:14:41,269 General alarm, complete mobilization. 1676 01:14:41,352 --> 01:14:42,562 Ah! Like the good old days. 1677 01:14:42,645 --> 01:14:43,688 Yes, sir. 1678 01:14:43,771 --> 01:14:45,899 I will not be a party to this scheme. 1679 01:14:45,982 --> 01:14:47,150 OK, if you don't love your wife. 1680 01:14:47,192 --> 01:14:48,359 I worship her! 1681 01:14:48,401 --> 01:14:50,153 You know there's nothing I wouldn't do for you... 1682 01:14:50,195 --> 01:14:52,864 but I will not compromise my principles! 1683 01:14:52,947 --> 01:14:54,449 And I'd do anything for you... 1684 01:14:54,532 --> 01:14:56,534 even if we had to starve together... 1685 01:14:56,618 --> 01:14:59,704 but we can't ask the baby to starve, not at his age! 1686 01:14:59,787 --> 01:15:00,705 See, you're upsetting your wife. 1687 01:15:00,788 --> 01:15:01,706 Think of her condition. 1688 01:15:01,789 --> 01:15:04,292 I will not be turned into a capitalist! 1689 01:15:04,375 --> 01:15:06,336 Once you are a son-in-law in good standing... 1690 01:15:06,377 --> 01:15:07,545 I don't care what you do. 1691 01:15:07,587 --> 01:15:09,422 You can steal the formula to Coca-Cola... 1692 01:15:09,464 --> 01:15:11,090 and square yourself with Moscow. 1693 01:15:11,174 --> 01:15:12,217 But at noon today... 1694 01:15:12,300 --> 01:15:15,261 you are going to look and act like a gentleman! 1695 01:15:20,350 --> 01:15:22,393 Everybody at their posts awaiting orders. 1696 01:15:23,353 --> 01:15:24,270 All right. Here we go. 1697 01:15:24,354 --> 01:15:25,688 First, get a barber and a manicurist... 1698 01:15:25,772 --> 01:15:26,689 up to the office. 1699 01:15:26,773 --> 01:15:28,691 Next, call my lawyer. I want him here immediately. 1700 01:15:28,775 --> 01:15:29,692 Next, I want to speak to the manager... 1701 01:15:29,776 --> 01:15:30,693 of the Berlin Hilton. 1702 01:15:30,777 --> 01:15:31,861 Next, get ahold of what's-his-name... 1703 01:15:31,903 --> 01:15:32,862 You know, that moth-eaten count... 1704 01:15:32,904 --> 01:15:34,864 the one that used to hang around at the Cafe Wien. 1705 01:15:34,948 --> 01:15:35,865 Count Von Droste-Schattenburg? 1706 01:15:35,949 --> 01:15:37,867 That's the one. I want to see him right away. 1707 01:15:37,951 --> 01:15:38,993 Yes, sir. 1708 01:15:39,035 --> 01:15:40,036 And send Ingeborg in here with pad and pencil. 1709 01:15:40,119 --> 01:15:42,372 - Yes, sir. - Schnellmachen. 1, 2, 3! 1710 01:15:43,164 --> 01:15:44,499 - Ja! - All right. 1711 01:15:44,624 --> 01:15:46,209 Next, we'd better start cleaning him up. 1712 01:15:46,292 --> 01:15:48,211 - Over there. - I've agreed to nothing! 1713 01:15:48,294 --> 01:15:50,922 Is it against the party line to use indoor plumbing? 1714 01:15:51,005 --> 01:15:53,174 Come on, darling. It won't hurt a bit. 1715 01:15:53,216 --> 01:15:56,052 Even if it hurts, mit the hot water mit the soap. 1716 01:15:58,513 --> 01:16:00,348 - Yes, Mr. MacNamara. - Ready? 1717 01:16:00,390 --> 01:16:01,516 Always ready. 1718 01:16:02,517 --> 01:16:03,643 First, call... 1719 01:16:03,685 --> 01:16:05,687 Reinhardt and Reinhardt custom tailors... 1720 01:16:05,770 --> 01:16:06,854 and have them send up everything they've got in their shop... 1721 01:16:06,896 --> 01:16:09,190 Single-breasted, three-buttoned, narrow lapels, 1722 01:16:09,274 --> 01:16:12,277 medium-gray to dark blue, size... uh, thirty-nine regular. 1723 01:16:12,360 --> 01:16:14,279 Next, call Pleschke the haberdasher. 1724 01:16:14,362 --> 01:16:15,321 I want to see some shirts. 1725 01:16:15,363 --> 01:16:16,698 Broadcloth, plain or tab collar... 1726 01:16:16,781 --> 01:16:18,575 size... 15 1/2, 34. 1727 01:16:18,658 --> 01:16:20,702 Shorts... nylon or cotton, size thirty-two. 1728 01:16:20,743 --> 01:16:23,037 Socks... French lisle, dark-toned, size 11 1/2. 1729 01:16:23,121 --> 01:16:25,456 Ties... not too wide, not too narrow, not too fancy. 1730 01:16:25,540 --> 01:16:26,541 Also, pajamas, handkerchiefs... 1731 01:16:26,624 --> 01:16:28,793 cuff links, suspenders, et cetera, et cetera. 1732 01:16:28,876 --> 01:16:29,794 Next, call Hochstaetter's. 1733 01:16:29,877 --> 01:16:32,338 Have them deliver some shoes... British or Italian models... 1734 01:16:32,380 --> 01:16:33,673 brown and black, size 9B. 1735 01:16:35,383 --> 01:16:36,384 Yes, Fritz. 1736 01:16:36,467 --> 01:16:37,677 No, Fritz. I need you. 1737 01:16:37,719 --> 01:16:40,388 Sleepy or not sleepy, everybody works today. 1738 01:16:40,430 --> 01:16:42,432 Next, call any first-class hatter. 1739 01:16:42,515 --> 01:16:43,683 I want an assortment of hats... 1740 01:16:43,725 --> 01:16:46,853 No porkpies, none of that Tyrolean jazz, size 7 3/8. 1741 01:16:46,936 --> 01:16:50,273 Uh, correction... After we cut his hair, 7 1/8. 1742 01:16:50,356 --> 01:16:52,525 Next, call that department store on Tauenzienstrasse. 1743 01:16:52,567 --> 01:16:54,360 Have them bring up a matched set of men's luggage... 1744 01:16:54,444 --> 01:16:55,361 cowhide or pigskin. 1745 01:16:55,445 --> 01:16:57,030 Next, call the Ritz jewelers. 1746 01:16:57,071 --> 01:16:58,448 I want to see a selection of gold wedding rings. 1747 01:16:58,531 --> 01:17:00,575 Also, engagement rings... Diamond solitaire... 1748 01:17:00,658 --> 01:17:02,410 no less than two carats, no more than four. 1749 01:17:02,493 --> 01:17:04,662 Make sure he scrubs behind his ears. 1750 01:17:04,704 --> 01:17:05,913 Next, call Kottler's Restaurant. 1751 01:17:05,997 --> 01:17:08,082 Have them send up one deluxe seven-course dinner... 1752 01:17:08,166 --> 01:17:09,208 and one complete table setting. 1753 01:17:09,250 --> 01:17:10,877 Next, call a florist, and have them make up... 1754 01:17:10,918 --> 01:17:12,211 a bouquet of chrysanthemums. 1755 01:17:12,295 --> 01:17:13,796 Also, two boutonnieres... White carnations. 1756 01:17:13,880 --> 01:17:15,381 Any questions? 1757 01:17:15,465 --> 01:17:18,217 Yes. Can I go home and get some clothes? 1758 01:17:18,259 --> 01:17:19,802 At a time like this? 1759 01:17:19,886 --> 01:17:21,554 Dressed or not dressed, everybody works today. 1760 01:17:21,596 --> 01:17:22,930 Now get with it. 1761 01:17:23,014 --> 01:17:23,931 Haarschnitt. 1762 01:17:24,015 --> 01:17:25,224 - Manicure? - Not me... him. 1763 01:17:25,308 --> 01:17:26,476 Take him into the conference room... 1764 01:17:26,517 --> 01:17:27,477 and chop that mop off. 1765 01:17:27,518 --> 01:17:28,478 Jawohl. 1766 01:17:28,519 --> 01:17:29,479 And give him a shave and a manicure. 1767 01:17:29,520 --> 01:17:30,480 Jawohl. 1768 01:17:30,521 --> 01:17:32,482 - No! - What do you mean, no? 1769 01:17:32,523 --> 01:17:33,691 No manicure. 1770 01:17:33,775 --> 01:17:36,402 It's a symbol of bourgeois decadence and insecurity. 1771 01:17:36,486 --> 01:17:38,112 Oh, sure. In Russia, everybody is so secure... 1772 01:17:38,196 --> 01:17:39,405 they chew their nails off. 1773 01:17:39,489 --> 01:17:41,449 Come on, darling. Nobody will ever know. 1774 01:17:41,532 --> 01:17:42,450 You can wear gloves. 1775 01:17:42,533 --> 01:17:43,451 Gloves? 1776 01:17:43,534 --> 01:17:45,870 Why don't you ask me to wear striped pants? 1777 01:17:49,499 --> 01:17:51,376 Ingeborg, when you talk to that tailor... 1778 01:17:51,417 --> 01:17:52,794 I also want some striped pants... 1779 01:17:52,877 --> 01:17:54,462 a morning coat, and a white waistcoat. 1780 01:17:56,381 --> 01:17:58,383 I have located Count Von Droste-Schattenburg. 1781 01:17:58,466 --> 01:17:59,384 Good! 1782 01:17:59,467 --> 01:18:01,427 He's working the men's room at the Kempinski Hotel. 1783 01:18:01,511 --> 01:18:02,428 How soon can he get here? 1784 01:18:02,512 --> 01:18:03,888 Well, this is his busy time of the day. 1785 01:18:03,971 --> 01:18:05,098 He wants to know if you can come there. 1786 01:18:05,181 --> 01:18:06,099 Absolutely not. 1787 01:18:06,182 --> 01:18:07,600 I'll tell him. And your lawyer is here. 1788 01:18:07,684 --> 01:18:09,018 Come in! 1789 01:18:10,019 --> 01:18:12,647 Ah, Herr MacNamara, isn't this a glorious day? 1790 01:18:12,689 --> 01:18:14,357 Cut the schmooze. Now, listen, Zeidlitz. 1791 01:18:14,440 --> 01:18:15,483 Here's what I want you to do. 1792 01:18:15,525 --> 01:18:18,027 It has already been done. Complete success. 1793 01:18:18,069 --> 01:18:20,363 The young lady can consider herself unmarried. 1794 01:18:20,446 --> 01:18:21,364 Unmarried? 1795 01:18:21,447 --> 01:18:22,532 It wasn't easy... 1796 01:18:22,573 --> 01:18:24,325 but I managed to liberate that marriage license... 1797 01:18:24,367 --> 01:18:26,869 from the files in East Berlin just like you ordered. 1798 01:18:26,911 --> 01:18:28,663 It's that damned German efficiency. 1799 01:18:28,746 --> 01:18:30,039 That's all I need now... 1800 01:18:30,123 --> 01:18:31,624 An illegitimate baby on my hands. 1801 01:18:31,666 --> 01:18:32,625 I beg your pardon. 1802 01:18:32,667 --> 01:18:33,626 He's bringing the shoes. 1803 01:18:33,668 --> 01:18:35,628 Shoes? Unpack them. Let's see what you've got. 1804 01:18:35,670 --> 01:18:37,672 I want you to go back to East Berlin... 1805 01:18:37,755 --> 01:18:40,341 and put that marriage license right back in the file. 1806 01:18:40,383 --> 01:18:41,384 If you say so. 1807 01:18:41,467 --> 01:18:42,927 But first, I want you to draw up some adoption papers. 1808 01:18:43,010 --> 01:18:45,388 - For the baby? - No, for Otto Ludwig Piffl. 1809 01:18:45,471 --> 01:18:46,389 We're going to have him adopted... 1810 01:18:46,472 --> 01:18:48,599 by a real honest-to-goodness, blue-blooded aristocrat. 1811 01:18:48,683 --> 01:18:50,101 - Oh, a baron. - Better than that. 1812 01:18:50,184 --> 01:18:51,310 The guy who is working in the men's room... 1813 01:18:51,352 --> 01:18:52,311 at the Kempinski. 1814 01:18:52,353 --> 01:18:53,312 - Who? - Leave the name blank. 1815 01:18:53,354 --> 01:18:56,190 I haven't made the deal yet. Now get to work. In there. 1816 01:18:56,232 --> 01:18:59,026 Next, shoes. No, no. Nothing with tassels. 1817 01:18:59,110 --> 01:19:00,153 Those are all right. 1818 01:19:00,194 --> 01:19:02,071 Alligator? That's for bandleaders. 1819 01:19:02,155 --> 01:19:03,698 Those are OK. OK. 1820 01:19:05,366 --> 01:19:07,201 Totally unacceptable. Full of holes. 1821 01:19:07,243 --> 01:19:08,411 Guten Morgen. 1822 01:19:08,494 --> 01:19:09,954 Reinhardt from Reinhardt and Reinhardt. 1823 01:19:10,037 --> 01:19:10,955 Be right with you. 1824 01:19:11,038 --> 01:19:12,957 I'll take those and those but not those. 1825 01:19:13,040 --> 01:19:14,041 Now, what have we got here? 1826 01:19:14,083 --> 01:19:15,877 Latest English styles. All fabrics imported. 1827 01:19:15,918 --> 01:19:17,420 They look more like they were deported. 1828 01:19:17,503 --> 01:19:19,046 Too loud. Too quiet. All right... 1829 01:19:19,088 --> 01:19:20,882 but take the padding out of the shoulders. 1830 01:19:20,965 --> 01:19:23,593 That's not bad. Belt on the back? 1831 01:19:23,676 --> 01:19:24,719 I thought that went out with high-buttoned shoes. 1832 01:19:24,802 --> 01:19:26,721 High-buttoned shoes? I have some right here. 1833 01:19:26,804 --> 01:19:27,722 Never mind. Take that stuff... 1834 01:19:27,805 --> 01:19:28,723 into the conference room. 1835 01:19:28,806 --> 01:19:29,682 I want these ready in twenty-four hours. 1836 01:19:29,807 --> 01:19:30,767 Twenty-four hours? 1837 01:19:30,850 --> 01:19:31,768 Where's the morning coat and striped pants? 1838 01:19:31,851 --> 01:19:32,810 My assistant is bringing them. 1839 01:19:32,852 --> 01:19:34,103 Those I want fitted right away. 1840 01:19:34,187 --> 01:19:36,314 - Schmuck. - What did you say? 1841 01:19:36,355 --> 01:19:38,232 Schmuck. Jewelry. 1842 01:19:38,316 --> 01:19:40,359 Oh. Come with me. You, too. 1843 01:19:44,781 --> 01:19:45,865 Sitzen machen. 1844 01:19:45,948 --> 01:19:48,659 A strong, healthy girl like you, you should not be cutting nails. 1845 01:19:48,701 --> 01:19:50,620 You should be cutting wheat in the Ukraine. 1846 01:19:50,703 --> 01:19:51,829 No, no. Leave it a little longer... 1847 01:19:51,871 --> 01:19:53,581 on the sides, like Sal Mineo. 1848 01:19:53,664 --> 01:19:54,624 Pick a couple of wedding rings. 1849 01:19:54,707 --> 01:19:56,167 Left foot, please. 1850 01:19:56,209 --> 01:19:57,293 Do you like these? 1851 01:19:57,376 --> 01:19:58,419 Gold? Never. 1852 01:19:58,503 --> 01:20:00,546 I prefer the honest steel of the guns of Stalingrad. 1853 01:20:00,630 --> 01:20:02,590 Come on. You guys are always yakking about disarmament. 1854 01:20:02,673 --> 01:20:04,383 We might as well start right here and now. 1855 01:20:04,467 --> 01:20:05,426 Stand up, please. 1856 01:20:05,510 --> 01:20:06,427 He's also giving you an engagement ring. 1857 01:20:06,511 --> 01:20:07,428 - He is? - I am? 1858 01:20:07,512 --> 01:20:09,222 They're too big. 1859 01:20:09,263 --> 01:20:11,348 I assume the gentleman will wear socks. 1860 01:20:11,349 --> 01:20:12,350 Not if I can help it. 1861 01:20:12,433 --> 01:20:14,477 Waist thirty-one. Sit down, please. 1862 01:20:14,519 --> 01:20:15,478 I want this one. 1863 01:20:15,520 --> 01:20:16,854 How much? Eight thousand marks. 1864 01:20:16,896 --> 01:20:17,855 Thank you, darling. 1865 01:20:17,897 --> 01:20:19,899 Wait! Who's paying for this foolishness? 1866 01:20:19,982 --> 01:20:21,984 Relax. You've got assets... All that Coca-Cola stock. 1867 01:20:22,026 --> 01:20:23,027 You expect me to sit on my assets... 1868 01:20:23,069 --> 01:20:24,028 and just clip coupons? 1869 01:20:24,111 --> 01:20:26,072 Don't worry. The baby will clip the coupons. 1870 01:20:26,155 --> 01:20:27,156 We'll put all the money in his name. 1871 01:20:27,198 --> 01:20:28,199 Sit down, please. 1872 01:20:28,241 --> 01:20:30,660 I will not have my son grow up to be a capitalist! 1873 01:20:30,701 --> 01:20:32,411 When he's eighteen, he can decide for himself... 1874 01:20:32,495 --> 01:20:33,746 whether he wants to be a capitalist... 1875 01:20:33,788 --> 01:20:35,373 or a rich Communist. 1876 01:20:39,126 --> 01:20:41,712 Yes? Who? The manager of the Berlin Hilton? 1877 01:20:41,796 --> 01:20:43,047 Put him on. 1878 01:20:43,089 --> 01:20:44,048 Over there. 1879 01:20:44,131 --> 01:20:46,300 Hello? I want to reserve the bridal suite. 1880 01:20:46,384 --> 01:20:48,177 Yes, checking in today. 1881 01:20:48,219 --> 01:20:50,429 I didn't ask you how much it cost. 1882 01:20:50,513 --> 01:20:52,515 This is for the son-in-law of an American millionaire. 1883 01:20:52,598 --> 01:20:53,808 Double bed, naturally. Silk sheets. 1884 01:20:53,850 --> 01:20:56,519 Tell them we don't need a table and chairs. 1885 01:20:56,561 --> 01:20:58,521 We're going to have all our meals in bed. 1886 01:20:58,604 --> 01:20:59,730 Never mind the silk sheets. 1887 01:20:59,814 --> 01:21:02,316 Just make it a tablecloth and two napkins. 1888 01:21:03,276 --> 01:21:06,028 Silk sheets, diamond rings, bridal suites. 1889 01:21:06,070 --> 01:21:08,614 What is this, "La Dolce Vita"? 1890 01:21:08,698 --> 01:21:10,575 Hey! What are you doing? 1891 01:21:10,658 --> 01:21:11,784 Stop it! Are you crazy? 1892 01:21:11,868 --> 01:21:13,744 The haberdasher's in your office. 1893 01:21:13,828 --> 01:21:16,038 Keep an eye on the Kremlin Kid. 1894 01:21:16,956 --> 01:21:19,833 There's a newspaperman here to see you from the "Tageblatt." 1895 01:21:19,834 --> 01:21:21,627 Not today. 1896 01:21:22,837 --> 01:21:24,714 Sitzen machen. 1897 01:21:24,755 --> 01:21:26,716 No, no. White shirts only. Two dozen. French cuff. 1898 01:21:26,799 --> 01:21:27,717 Jawohl. 1899 01:21:27,800 --> 01:21:29,010 Handkerchiefs, OK. Socks, fine. 1900 01:21:29,051 --> 01:21:30,970 If he objects, we'll just have to paint his feet black. 1901 01:21:31,053 --> 01:21:31,971 - Jawohl. - Where are the pajamas? 1902 01:21:32,054 --> 01:21:32,972 Right here. 1903 01:21:33,055 --> 01:21:34,015 OK. OK. What's this? 1904 01:21:34,056 --> 01:21:34,974 They're beautiful. 1905 01:21:35,057 --> 01:21:36,976 - They are terrible. - They are terrible. 1906 01:21:37,018 --> 01:21:38,978 Let's see the ties. Jawohl, nix, jawohl, jawohl... 1907 01:21:39,020 --> 01:21:40,688 definitely nix. This is the best. 1908 01:21:40,771 --> 01:21:41,689 It is mine. 1909 01:21:41,772 --> 01:21:43,024 Take it off. I'm buying it. 1910 01:21:43,065 --> 01:21:44,150 Good morning, Phyllis. 1911 01:21:44,191 --> 01:21:46,027 Looks like the Berlin branch of Macy's Basement. 1912 01:21:46,110 --> 01:21:48,321 You have no idea. It's a rat race around here. 1913 01:21:48,362 --> 01:21:49,322 And I know the rat. 1914 01:21:49,363 --> 01:21:50,823 This robe, it is jawohl or nix? 1915 01:21:50,865 --> 01:21:52,366 Sit down, Phyllis. I'll be right with you. 1916 01:21:52,408 --> 01:21:53,367 Don't bother. 1917 01:21:53,409 --> 01:21:55,119 I just want something from the safe. 1918 01:21:56,621 --> 01:21:59,540 - What's the combination? - 22-5-17. 1919 01:22:00,416 --> 01:22:01,542 All right. Throw that robe in... 1920 01:22:01,584 --> 01:22:03,377 and start taking this stuff into the conference room. 1921 01:22:03,461 --> 01:22:04,712 - Jawohl. - That guy in there... 1922 01:22:04,795 --> 01:22:06,255 don't tell him those are French cuffs... 1923 01:22:06,339 --> 01:22:08,549 not with the Algerian situation the way it is. 1924 01:22:09,216 --> 01:22:10,551 What are you looking for? 1925 01:22:11,093 --> 01:22:12,219 Here they are. The passports. 1926 01:22:12,303 --> 01:22:13,220 Passports? 1927 01:22:13,304 --> 01:22:15,514 I'm flying back to the states, and I'm taking the kids with me. 1928 01:22:15,556 --> 01:22:17,475 - You're what? - You heard me. 1929 01:22:17,516 --> 01:22:19,894 What are you sore about now? I got Otto back, didn't I? 1930 01:22:19,977 --> 01:22:20,895 I'm remodeling him. 1931 01:22:20,978 --> 01:22:22,688 Somebody should do a little job on you. 1932 01:22:22,772 --> 01:22:23,773 Good-bye, Mac. 1933 01:22:23,856 --> 01:22:25,691 Phyllis, you can't walk out on me like this. 1934 01:22:25,775 --> 01:22:26,817 I'm not walking out. 1935 01:22:26,859 --> 01:22:28,277 I'm just going back where I belong... 1936 01:22:28,361 --> 01:22:29,737 and any time you'd care to join us... 1937 01:22:29,820 --> 01:22:30,863 we'll be waiting for you. 1938 01:22:30,947 --> 01:22:32,531 The adoption papers, they are ready. 1939 01:22:32,615 --> 01:22:33,783 Heraus. 1940 01:22:34,367 --> 01:22:36,619 What's come over you, Phyllis? After sixteen years... 1941 01:22:36,702 --> 01:22:37,954 Maybe after sixteen years... 1942 01:22:38,037 --> 01:22:39,705 every marriage gets a little stale... 1943 01:22:39,789 --> 01:22:41,123 like a leftover glass of beer. 1944 01:22:41,207 --> 01:22:42,750 Look, Phyllis, can't we discuss this problem... 1945 01:22:42,833 --> 01:22:44,377 without bringing up a rival beverage? 1946 01:22:44,418 --> 01:22:46,712 I hope these vaccination certificates are still good. 1947 01:22:46,796 --> 01:22:48,714 Look, Phyllis, you knew the kind of a guy I was... 1948 01:22:48,798 --> 01:22:49,715 when you married me. 1949 01:22:49,799 --> 01:22:50,716 Apparently not. 1950 01:22:50,800 --> 01:22:52,218 I'm not one of those suburban jokers... 1951 01:22:52,301 --> 01:22:54,553 9:00 to 5:00 in the office, home on the commuter train... 1952 01:22:54,595 --> 01:22:55,680 cut the grass every weekend. 1953 01:22:55,721 --> 01:22:57,890 Turns out I married Marco Polo. 1954 01:22:58,015 --> 01:23:00,476 Well, it wasn't all that bad, those sixteen years. 1955 01:23:00,518 --> 01:23:01,686 We've had some fun. 1956 01:23:01,769 --> 01:23:04,105 Remember Teheran when Cindy was born... 1957 01:23:04,188 --> 01:23:06,774 driving 12 miles to the hospital in a Coca-Cola truck? 1958 01:23:06,857 --> 01:23:07,775 Some fun. 1959 01:23:07,858 --> 01:23:09,860 And remember when I had Tommy? 1960 01:23:09,944 --> 01:23:11,529 Do I ever. Right in the Zurich airport. 1961 01:23:11,612 --> 01:23:14,031 We had a hell of a time getting him out of customs. 1962 01:23:14,073 --> 01:23:16,325 And how about our honeymoon, that wonderful week in Waikiki? 1963 01:23:16,367 --> 01:23:19,912 Yeah, me upstairs putting perfume behind my ears. 1964 01:23:19,954 --> 01:23:22,707 You downstairs at a soft drink convention. 1965 01:23:22,748 --> 01:23:25,376 Four hundred men running around in grass skirts. 1966 01:23:25,459 --> 01:23:27,378 I should have said aloha right then and there. 1967 01:23:27,461 --> 01:23:29,255 Now, be a good girl and give me those. 1968 01:23:29,338 --> 01:23:30,881 Let's talk this over. 1969 01:23:30,923 --> 01:23:32,800 All right. I'm willing. 1970 01:23:35,594 --> 01:23:36,554 But not right now. 1971 01:23:36,595 --> 01:23:37,888 The Hazeltines will be here at noon. 1972 01:23:37,972 --> 01:23:39,223 I've got a deadline. 1973 01:23:39,306 --> 01:23:41,267 You've got a deadline with me. 1974 01:23:41,350 --> 01:23:42,476 Phyllis, baby, I love you. 1975 01:23:42,518 --> 01:23:44,854 Take my word for it. Everything is going to be fine. 1976 01:23:44,937 --> 01:23:47,023 We'll be living in London. Tommy can go to Oxford. 1977 01:23:47,106 --> 01:23:48,733 Cindy can watch the changing of the guard. 1978 01:23:48,816 --> 01:23:50,526 We can afford one of those snooty butlers... 1979 01:23:50,568 --> 01:23:51,861 kippers and marmalade for breakfast... 1980 01:23:51,944 --> 01:23:53,612 riding to hounds. 1981 01:23:55,114 --> 01:23:57,533 I will not be caught dead in striped pants. 1982 01:23:57,575 --> 01:23:59,285 They're for bankers and war profiteers. 1983 01:23:59,368 --> 01:24:00,619 Actually, they were ordered... 1984 01:24:00,703 --> 01:24:03,539 by the ambassador from the People's Republic of Yugoslavia. 1985 01:24:03,622 --> 01:24:05,458 We will deal with Tito when the time comes. 1986 01:24:05,541 --> 01:24:06,876 Meanwhile, take them off and fix them. 1987 01:24:06,959 --> 01:24:07,877 They're much too big. 1988 01:24:07,960 --> 01:24:08,919 In front of the lady? 1989 01:24:09,003 --> 01:24:11,380 Oh, yeah, I... I forgot. He doesn't wear shorts. 1990 01:24:11,464 --> 01:24:13,007 No wonder they're winning the Cold War. 1991 01:24:13,132 --> 01:24:14,884 All right. In the other room. 1992 01:24:18,596 --> 01:24:19,764 Don't go away, Phyllis. 1993 01:24:22,892 --> 01:24:25,186 Ingeborg, get him some shorts. 1994 01:24:25,227 --> 01:24:26,520 Sitzen machen. 1995 01:24:31,150 --> 01:24:32,693 Good morning, Mrs. MacNamara. 1996 01:24:32,777 --> 01:24:33,736 Guten Morgen. 1997 01:24:33,819 --> 01:24:36,947 Shorts. Let me see. Where are the shorts? 1998 01:24:38,074 --> 01:24:40,367 You could use some yourself. 1999 01:24:40,451 --> 01:24:42,536 Oh, I don't want you to think... 2000 01:24:42,620 --> 01:24:44,455 I come to the office like this every day. 2001 01:24:44,538 --> 01:24:45,956 That's a load off my mind. 2002 01:24:46,040 --> 01:24:47,374 It's just that last night... 2003 01:24:47,458 --> 01:24:49,210 Mr. MacNamara made me take my dress off. 2004 01:24:49,251 --> 01:24:50,211 Playful, isn't he? 2005 01:24:50,252 --> 01:24:51,712 Oh, he had a perfect right to. 2006 01:24:51,796 --> 01:24:53,130 After all, he paid for it. 2007 01:24:53,214 --> 01:24:54,882 Well, that makes all the difference. 2008 01:24:54,924 --> 01:24:56,383 No, no, no. You don't understand. 2009 01:24:56,467 --> 01:24:59,887 It's part of my job... what you call fringe benefits. 2010 01:25:00,888 --> 01:25:04,225 How do you like that? The son of a... 2011 01:25:04,308 --> 01:25:06,477 is starting his own Marshall Plan. 2012 01:25:06,519 --> 01:25:08,854 Oh, here. I go now. 2013 01:25:08,896 --> 01:25:11,190 We both go now. 2014 01:25:12,274 --> 01:25:14,026 Will you please give my husband a message? 2015 01:25:14,068 --> 01:25:15,528 Tell him I said aloha. 2016 01:25:15,569 --> 01:25:16,529 Aloha? 2017 01:25:16,570 --> 01:25:18,405 That's Hawaiian for "get lost." 2018 01:25:21,784 --> 01:25:22,743 What's holding up those shorts? 2019 01:25:22,827 --> 01:25:23,744 Right here. 2020 01:25:23,828 --> 01:25:26,455 And your wife said to tell you aloha. 2021 01:25:26,539 --> 01:25:29,166 That's Hawaiian for "get lost." 2022 01:25:29,208 --> 01:25:30,584 Phyllis! 2023 01:25:38,467 --> 01:25:39,885 The dinner, where do you want it? 2024 01:25:39,969 --> 01:25:41,387 In the conference room. 2025 01:25:42,555 --> 01:25:43,514 Phyllis! 2026 01:25:43,556 --> 01:25:45,391 Mr. MacNamara, my name is Untermeier. 2027 01:25:45,474 --> 01:25:46,684 I'm a reporter from the "Tageblatt." 2028 01:25:46,725 --> 01:25:48,352 Don't bother me. Some other time. 2029 01:25:48,435 --> 01:25:49,687 But this is important. 2030 01:25:49,728 --> 01:25:51,522 We have information that Miss Hazeltine of Coca-Cola... 2031 01:25:51,605 --> 01:25:53,274 married somebody in East Berlin... 2032 01:25:53,357 --> 01:25:54,650 a member of the Communist Party. 2033 01:25:54,692 --> 01:25:56,527 Sitzen machen. 2034 01:25:56,569 --> 01:25:58,529 I will not wear these. They look ridiculous. 2035 01:25:58,612 --> 01:25:59,697 They serve no useful purpose. 2036 01:25:59,780 --> 01:26:01,365 Darling, it's just a convention. 2037 01:26:01,448 --> 01:26:03,534 Back home, we even put panties on lamb chops. 2038 01:26:03,617 --> 01:26:05,786 They are drip and dry. 50% nylon. 2039 01:26:05,870 --> 01:26:09,081 Nylon? That's DuPont. I'll wear no monopoly. 2040 01:26:09,123 --> 01:26:11,250 They're also 50% cotton. That'll help... 2041 01:26:11,333 --> 01:26:12,668 those sharecroppers in Mississippi. 2042 01:26:12,710 --> 01:26:15,004 All right. Sit down. Let's see how you eat. 2043 01:26:15,045 --> 01:26:18,465 Eat? That's the first good idea he's had. 2044 01:26:18,549 --> 01:26:19,842 I'm starving. 2045 01:26:19,884 --> 01:26:21,135 No, not like that. 2046 01:26:21,218 --> 01:26:22,720 Start with the first course. 2047 01:26:22,761 --> 01:26:24,597 We have to teach him some table manners. 2048 01:26:24,680 --> 01:26:26,849 No, no. One at a time. 2049 01:26:26,932 --> 01:26:29,101 And use the asparagus tongs, darling. 2050 01:26:29,185 --> 01:26:30,102 The what? 2051 01:26:30,186 --> 01:26:31,937 Those little grabbers over there. 2052 01:26:34,773 --> 01:26:36,066 Why can't I have my chicken? 2053 01:26:36,150 --> 01:26:38,068 Luggage. OK. Fill those up... 2054 01:26:38,152 --> 01:26:39,528 and take them over to the bridal suite at the Hilton. 2055 01:26:39,612 --> 01:26:41,071 You want initials on the bags? 2056 01:26:41,155 --> 01:26:43,115 Initials? He doesn't even have a name yet. 2057 01:26:43,199 --> 01:26:44,366 No! 2058 01:26:45,034 --> 01:26:45,951 He's right, darling. 2059 01:26:46,035 --> 01:26:48,162 Always white wine with chicken. 2060 01:26:49,121 --> 01:26:51,123 Out of a glass, stupid. 2061 01:26:51,165 --> 01:26:53,334 Yeah, you know everything. 2062 01:26:53,375 --> 01:26:55,711 Which wine to drink, which fork to use for fish... 2063 01:26:55,794 --> 01:26:58,464 which knife to stab the proletariat in the back with. 2064 01:26:58,547 --> 01:27:01,091 How would you like a little fruit for dessert? 2065 01:27:01,175 --> 01:27:03,093 The Count is waiting in the office. 2066 01:27:03,177 --> 01:27:04,887 All right. Scarlett, keep working on him. 2067 01:27:04,970 --> 01:27:06,889 Here, darling. Use the finger bowl. 2068 01:27:06,972 --> 01:27:08,515 No, no. Don't pack his old clothes. 2069 01:27:08,599 --> 01:27:09,808 What shall we do with them? 2070 01:27:09,850 --> 01:27:11,393 Burn them, but first have them disinfected. 2071 01:27:11,477 --> 01:27:12,394 Wait a minute! 2072 01:27:12,478 --> 01:27:14,355 My party membership book is in there. 2073 01:27:14,438 --> 01:27:16,607 I'm paid up till December. 2074 01:27:29,870 --> 01:27:30,788 Sitzen machen. 2075 01:27:30,871 --> 01:27:32,039 Hello there. 2076 01:27:32,623 --> 01:27:35,042 Waldemar Von Droste-Schattenburg. 2077 01:27:35,084 --> 01:27:37,878 MacNamara Von Omaha, Nebraska. 2078 01:27:37,920 --> 01:27:40,547 Would you mind telling me why I was summoned here? 2079 01:27:40,631 --> 01:27:42,383 Because every minute I am away from my post... 2080 01:27:42,424 --> 01:27:44,051 it costs me two marks in tips. 2081 01:27:44,134 --> 01:27:45,135 OK. I'll lay it on the line. 2082 01:27:45,219 --> 01:27:47,054 How would you like to become a father? 2083 01:27:47,096 --> 01:27:48,097 At my age? 2084 01:27:48,180 --> 01:27:50,015 There's a young man I'd like you to adopt... 2085 01:27:50,099 --> 01:27:52,685 And the tip is two thousand marks. 2086 01:27:52,768 --> 01:27:53,686 Good day, sir. 2087 01:27:53,769 --> 01:27:55,020 Hold on there, Count. 2088 01:27:55,104 --> 01:27:56,689 Just because I am reduced... 2089 01:27:56,772 --> 01:27:58,482 to earning my living in a washroom... 2090 01:27:58,524 --> 01:28:00,192 does not mean that I'm willing to peddle... 2091 01:28:00,276 --> 01:28:03,028 the honor and dignity of my family name. 2092 01:28:03,112 --> 01:28:05,823 The Von Droste-Schattenburgs date back to the Second Crusade. 2093 01:28:05,864 --> 01:28:08,117 We have one of the oldest bloodlines in Europe... 2094 01:28:08,200 --> 01:28:09,743 and one of the most inbred. 2095 01:28:09,827 --> 01:28:12,746 I am a direct descendant of Philip the Bleeder. 2096 01:28:12,830 --> 01:28:14,915 So your proposition is not only preposterous... 2097 01:28:14,999 --> 01:28:17,710 it is highly insulting. 2098 01:28:17,751 --> 01:28:19,044 Make it ten thousand marks. 2099 01:28:19,086 --> 01:28:20,045 I'll give you three thousand. 2100 01:28:20,087 --> 01:28:21,046 Please. I just told you... 2101 01:28:21,088 --> 01:28:22,548 I come from a long line of bleeders... 2102 01:28:22,631 --> 01:28:23,549 so don't cut the price. 2103 01:28:23,632 --> 01:28:24,550 Four thousand. 2104 01:28:24,633 --> 01:28:26,218 I will have you know... 2105 01:28:26,260 --> 01:28:29,179 that I am distantly related to ex-King Farouk of Egypt. 2106 01:28:29,221 --> 01:28:30,180 Thirty-five hundred. 2107 01:28:30,222 --> 01:28:31,140 What happened to four thousand? 2108 01:28:31,223 --> 01:28:33,100 It's a deal. 2109 01:28:33,183 --> 01:28:34,601 Ingeborg, send Piffl in here. 2110 01:28:34,685 --> 01:28:38,814 For an additional 500 marks, I will include the family crest. 2111 01:28:38,856 --> 01:28:41,525 What is it, two cakes of soap on a field of paper towels? 2112 01:28:41,608 --> 01:28:44,737 A porcupine rampant on a field of Fleur-de-lis. 2113 01:28:44,820 --> 01:28:47,948 You may also have a photograph of the Schattenburg Castle... 2114 01:28:48,032 --> 01:28:49,908 unfortunately destroyed during the war. 2115 01:28:49,992 --> 01:28:50,909 American Air Force? 2116 01:28:50,993 --> 01:28:54,204 No. Turkish cavalry. 1683. 2117 01:28:54,705 --> 01:28:56,123 You can't just order me around... 2118 01:28:56,206 --> 01:28:57,833 "Come here, sit there, do this, eat that!" 2119 01:28:57,875 --> 01:29:00,252 Darling, hold still. I can't get your cuff link in. 2120 01:29:00,294 --> 01:29:01,879 Is this the lucky young man? 2121 01:29:01,962 --> 01:29:04,173 That's him. Meet your father. 2122 01:29:04,214 --> 01:29:05,174 My father? 2123 01:29:05,215 --> 01:29:06,467 Ah, my dear boy. 2124 01:29:06,550 --> 01:29:08,552 I'm sure you will be a credit to the family. 2125 01:29:08,635 --> 01:29:10,095 It could use a little credit. 2126 01:29:10,596 --> 01:29:11,555 What is all this? 2127 01:29:11,597 --> 01:29:12,722 You're being adopted. 2128 01:29:12,723 --> 01:29:16,018 Adopted? Just like that, without even asking me? 2129 01:29:16,101 --> 01:29:18,520 This is not only devious, it's unilateral. 2130 01:29:18,604 --> 01:29:20,272 My eye. What's the matter with my eye? 2131 01:29:20,356 --> 01:29:23,108 - This is your daughter-in-law. - Gnädige Frau. 2132 01:29:23,192 --> 01:29:25,069 Scarlett, I've got something in my eye! 2133 01:29:25,152 --> 01:29:27,946 It's a monocle. Looks cute on you. 2134 01:29:28,030 --> 01:29:30,366 A monocle? How sneaky can you get? 2135 01:29:30,449 --> 01:29:31,825 Go in there and sign the papers... 2136 01:29:31,867 --> 01:29:34,036 and give this to the cashier on the way out. 2137 01:29:34,078 --> 01:29:35,037 Thank you. 2138 01:29:35,079 --> 01:29:36,205 What do you think you're doing? 2139 01:29:36,288 --> 01:29:38,415 It's on the house, no charge. 2140 01:29:38,499 --> 01:29:40,292 Good-bye, my son. 2141 01:29:42,544 --> 01:29:44,880 Now, I want you kids to memorize your new name. 2142 01:29:44,963 --> 01:29:47,800 You are the Count and Countess Von Droste-Schattenburg. 2143 01:29:47,883 --> 01:29:49,051 Count? 2144 01:29:49,134 --> 01:29:51,220 Countess! That means everybody has to curtsy to me... 2145 01:29:51,261 --> 01:29:52,721 except maybe Grace Kelly. 2146 01:29:52,805 --> 01:29:54,348 Nobody will curtsy to you. 2147 01:29:54,431 --> 01:29:56,183 I refuse to join the aristocracy. 2148 01:29:56,266 --> 01:29:57,267 They're all leeches... 2149 01:29:57,351 --> 01:29:59,269 bleeding the underprivileged masses. 2150 01:29:59,353 --> 01:30:00,354 Not the Von Droste-Schattenburgs. 2151 01:30:00,437 --> 01:30:01,355 They bleed themselves. 2152 01:30:01,438 --> 01:30:03,649 Take him into the other room and get him dressed. 2153 01:30:03,690 --> 01:30:05,025 And now that he's got a name... 2154 01:30:05,109 --> 01:30:06,860 there are some things I want him to sign. 2155 01:30:06,944 --> 01:30:07,861 What things? 2156 01:30:07,945 --> 01:30:09,196 First, I'm turning over my limousine... 2157 01:30:09,279 --> 01:30:10,280 and my chauffeur to you. 2158 01:30:10,364 --> 01:30:11,990 All I want is my motorcycle back. 2159 01:30:12,032 --> 01:30:14,576 Whoever heard of a countess in a sidecar? 2160 01:30:14,660 --> 01:30:16,036 Besides, where will we put the baby? 2161 01:30:16,078 --> 01:30:17,496 And have him fill out these applications... 2162 01:30:17,538 --> 01:30:18,539 Golf club, Diners Club... 2163 01:30:18,580 --> 01:30:19,957 Blue Cross, Book of the Month Club... 2164 01:30:20,040 --> 01:30:20,999 Fruit of the Month Club. 2165 01:30:21,041 --> 01:30:22,543 I will sign nothing. I will join nothing. 2166 01:30:22,626 --> 01:30:25,087 But, darling, it's the American way of life. 2167 01:30:25,170 --> 01:30:26,672 American way of life. 2168 01:30:26,713 --> 01:30:28,132 Unemployment, discrimination... 2169 01:30:28,215 --> 01:30:30,676 gangsterism, juvenile delinquency... 2170 01:30:30,717 --> 01:30:32,886 but under our new twenty-year plan... 2171 01:30:32,928 --> 01:30:34,221 we will catch up with you. 2172 01:30:34,304 --> 01:30:35,722 Lots of luck. 2173 01:30:36,223 --> 01:30:38,100 Ingeborg, get the manager of the bottling plant... 2174 01:30:38,183 --> 01:30:39,351 up here right away... 2175 01:30:39,435 --> 01:30:41,520 and see if you can find me a sign painter in a hurry. 2176 01:30:42,563 --> 01:30:44,106 What M.P.s? 2177 01:30:51,697 --> 01:30:53,031 What can I do for you boys? 2178 01:30:53,115 --> 01:30:54,199 Are you the head man around here? 2179 01:30:54,283 --> 01:30:55,200 That's me. 2180 01:30:55,284 --> 01:30:56,535 We have a report from one of our G.I.s... 2181 01:30:56,618 --> 01:30:57,661 you've got a female employee here... 2182 01:30:57,703 --> 01:30:58,662 who's an enemy agent. 2183 01:30:58,704 --> 01:30:59,788 Enemy agent? 2184 01:30:59,872 --> 01:31:01,373 What would you call a dame that's running around... 2185 01:31:01,415 --> 01:31:03,417 with "Yankee go home" tattooed on her chest? 2186 01:31:03,542 --> 01:31:04,751 Somebody must be pulling your leg. 2187 01:31:04,835 --> 01:31:07,379 Maybe and maybe not. Mind if we look around? 2188 01:31:07,421 --> 01:31:08,380 Be my guest. 2189 01:31:08,422 --> 01:31:11,049 Oh, OK, buster. 2190 01:31:11,133 --> 01:31:12,134 Let's go. 2191 01:31:15,304 --> 01:31:16,263 You sent for me, sir? 2192 01:31:16,346 --> 01:31:17,681 Krause, as manager of the bottling plant... 2193 01:31:17,723 --> 01:31:19,224 you're always complaining that you need more help. 2194 01:31:19,308 --> 01:31:20,309 Yes, sir. We're very busy downstairs. 2195 01:31:20,350 --> 01:31:22,394 Well, cheer up. You're going to get an assistant. 2196 01:31:22,478 --> 01:31:23,395 - Who? - You. 2197 01:31:23,479 --> 01:31:24,646 - Me? - That's right. 2198 01:31:24,688 --> 01:31:26,023 The new manager of the bottling plant... 2199 01:31:26,106 --> 01:31:27,649 is Otto Von Droste-Schattenburg. 2200 01:31:27,691 --> 01:31:28,942 I refuse. 2201 01:31:29,026 --> 01:31:30,402 Your position may be lower, but your pay will be higher. 2202 01:31:30,486 --> 01:31:31,403 I accept. 2203 01:31:31,487 --> 01:31:32,863 All right. Into the conference room. 2204 01:31:32,946 --> 01:31:33,864 You've got fifteen minutes... 2205 01:31:33,947 --> 01:31:35,324 to teach this guy everything you know... 2206 01:31:35,365 --> 01:31:36,325 about the bottling business. 2207 01:31:36,366 --> 01:31:37,659 I can't thank you enough. 2208 01:31:37,701 --> 01:31:38,660 Out. 2209 01:31:38,702 --> 01:31:40,370 Bertha, let me talk to Mrs. MacNamara. 2210 01:31:40,454 --> 01:31:42,372 What do you mean she packed up and left? 2211 01:31:42,456 --> 01:31:44,458 Mit die Kinder? Where did they go? 2212 01:31:44,541 --> 01:31:47,169 Into a taxi. Thanks a lot. 2213 01:31:48,003 --> 01:31:50,047 Mr. MacNamara, I don't want to take up your time... 2214 01:31:50,130 --> 01:31:52,049 so if you'll just let me talk to Miss Hazeltine. 2215 01:31:52,132 --> 01:31:53,050 About what? 2216 01:31:53,133 --> 01:31:55,427 About her marriage to that Communist in East Berlin. 2217 01:31:55,469 --> 01:31:57,304 I'd like a statement before we print the story. 2218 01:31:57,387 --> 01:31:59,097 There is no story, and there's no Communist. 2219 01:31:59,181 --> 01:32:00,349 But we know she got married. 2220 01:32:00,432 --> 01:32:02,851 Sure she did, to Count Otto Von Droste-Schattenburg. 2221 01:32:02,935 --> 01:32:04,144 - Who? - Otto the Bleeder. 2222 01:32:04,186 --> 01:32:06,355 Goes all the way back to the Second Crusade... 2223 01:32:06,438 --> 01:32:08,899 a Turkish cavalry. Here's the family castle. 2224 01:32:08,982 --> 01:32:09,900 Painter. 2225 01:32:09,983 --> 01:32:11,777 Oh, uh... 2226 01:32:11,860 --> 01:32:13,529 come with me. 2227 01:32:16,823 --> 01:32:17,950 Sitzen machen. 2228 01:32:18,033 --> 01:32:20,369 I want you to paint this crest on the door of a car. 2229 01:32:20,452 --> 01:32:21,870 How long will it take? That's too long. 2230 01:32:21,954 --> 01:32:24,122 Look, my Mercedes is parked downstairs. 2231 01:32:25,749 --> 01:32:27,167 Oh, excuse me. 2232 01:32:27,209 --> 01:32:28,418 - Miss Hazeltine? - Yes? 2233 01:32:28,502 --> 01:32:30,170 How do you spell your husband's name? 2234 01:32:30,212 --> 01:32:32,256 P-I-f-f-I. 2235 01:32:32,339 --> 01:32:34,800 Piffl? I thought it was Von Droste-Schattenburg. 2236 01:32:34,883 --> 01:32:36,468 Oh, that. You mustn't believe... 2237 01:32:36,510 --> 01:32:37,970 everything Mr. MacNamara tells you. 2238 01:32:38,053 --> 01:32:39,638 He fixed it all up... 2239 01:32:39,721 --> 01:32:41,722 so that Daddy wouldn't find out Otto's a Red. 2240 01:32:41,723 --> 01:32:42,766 Mm-hmm. 2241 01:32:42,849 --> 01:32:44,851 In the beginning, I didn't like Mr. MacNamara... 2242 01:32:44,935 --> 01:32:46,228 but he's been just marvy. 2243 01:32:46,311 --> 01:32:47,854 That's enough out of you, Countess. 2244 01:32:47,896 --> 01:32:48,855 Did I say something wrong? 2245 01:32:48,939 --> 01:32:49,982 Buzz off, will you? 2246 01:32:50,023 --> 01:32:51,692 You said there was no story... 2247 01:32:51,733 --> 01:32:53,026 and it's getting better and better. 2248 01:32:53,068 --> 01:32:55,070 How much do you want to forget the whole thing? 2249 01:32:55,153 --> 01:32:57,197 You think you can buy a German newspaperman? 2250 01:32:57,239 --> 01:32:58,407 I never tried before. 2251 01:32:58,490 --> 01:33:00,200 Maybe in America your journalists are for sale... 2252 01:33:00,284 --> 01:33:01,451 but here in Germany... 2253 01:33:01,535 --> 01:33:05,414 The adoption papers. All signed and notarized. 2254 01:33:05,497 --> 01:33:07,207 Herr Oberleutnant. 2255 01:33:07,291 --> 01:33:08,208 You two know each other? 2256 01:33:08,292 --> 01:33:09,418 He was my commanding officer. 2257 01:33:09,501 --> 01:33:10,419 In the subway? 2258 01:33:10,502 --> 01:33:11,920 No, after that, when I was drafted. 2259 01:33:12,004 --> 01:33:12,921 Aha! Gestapo. 2260 01:33:13,005 --> 01:33:14,547 No, no. S.S. 2261 01:33:14,548 --> 01:33:16,466 Halten Sie doch den Mund, Idiot. 2262 01:33:16,550 --> 01:33:18,051 Well, Herr Oberleutnant... 2263 01:33:18,135 --> 01:33:20,304 is there anything else I can do for you? 2264 01:33:21,722 --> 01:33:24,099 No, thank you. I have all the facts. 2265 01:33:24,182 --> 01:33:25,100 Union between two... 2266 01:33:25,183 --> 01:33:26,685 internationally prominent families... 2267 01:33:26,768 --> 01:33:28,562 The Hazeltines and the Von Droste-Schattenburgs. 2268 01:33:28,645 --> 01:33:29,855 The social event of the year. 2269 01:33:29,938 --> 01:33:31,356 It will be in the afternoon paper. 2270 01:33:31,398 --> 01:33:32,691 It had better be. 2271 01:33:32,733 --> 01:33:34,693 - Auf Wiedersehen. - Sieg heil. 2272 01:33:34,735 --> 01:33:35,694 As for you, Schlemmer... 2273 01:33:35,736 --> 01:33:37,529 you're back in the S.S... smaller salary. 2274 01:33:37,613 --> 01:33:38,697 Sir, let me explain. 2275 01:33:38,739 --> 01:33:41,700 I was only a pastry cook in the officers' mess. 2276 01:33:41,742 --> 01:33:44,077 Ingeborg, I want to speak to the maitre d' at the Hilton. 2277 01:33:44,161 --> 01:33:46,538 I was a very bad pastry cook. 2278 01:33:48,373 --> 01:33:49,958 11:00. Where are the hats? 2279 01:33:50,042 --> 01:33:51,293 Where are the flowers? 2280 01:33:51,376 --> 01:33:52,544 We're running behind schedule. 2281 01:33:52,586 --> 01:33:53,712 Yes, sir. 2282 01:33:53,754 --> 01:33:56,006 Manfred, I'd like to arrange an intimate little banquet... 2283 01:33:56,048 --> 01:33:57,799 The Count and Countess Von Droste-Schattenburg... 2284 01:33:57,883 --> 01:34:00,552 honoring his in-laws, the Wendell P. Hazeltines. 2285 01:34:01,553 --> 01:34:03,221 Have you got a polka-dot dress? 2286 01:34:03,263 --> 01:34:07,351 Look, Fräulein, haben Sie eine tattoo on your, um... 2287 01:34:07,434 --> 01:34:08,602 glockenspiel? 2288 01:34:27,287 --> 01:34:28,580 Any broads working in this office? 2289 01:34:28,622 --> 01:34:29,998 No, sir. Just me. 2290 01:34:30,040 --> 01:34:32,000 - Oh. - Look, Sarge, polka dots. 2291 01:34:32,042 --> 01:34:33,001 It fits the description. 2292 01:34:33,043 --> 01:34:34,002 Hey, whose dress is that? 2293 01:34:34,044 --> 01:34:35,003 I don't know. 2294 01:34:35,045 --> 01:34:36,171 I never saw it before. 2295 01:34:36,213 --> 01:34:37,214 We'd better check it out. 2296 01:34:41,134 --> 01:34:43,428 Corporal, I'm relieving myself of duty. 2297 01:34:43,512 --> 01:34:44,888 Better take me back to the base... 2298 01:34:44,930 --> 01:34:46,347 and turn me in for psychiatric observation. 2299 01:34:46,348 --> 01:34:47,516 What's the matter, Sarge? 2300 01:34:47,599 --> 01:34:48,975 She's in there, all right. 2301 01:34:49,017 --> 01:34:51,269 I saw her... Naked as a jaybird. 2302 01:34:51,353 --> 01:34:53,438 Has she got the tattoo on her chest? 2303 01:34:53,522 --> 01:34:54,981 So what's wrong, Sarge? 2304 01:34:55,023 --> 01:34:57,317 Fellas, you won't believe this... 2305 01:34:57,359 --> 01:34:59,027 but one of them is yellow. 2306 01:34:59,111 --> 01:35:00,654 One of them is green. 2307 01:35:00,696 --> 01:35:02,614 Take me away! 2308 01:35:09,746 --> 01:35:10,664 Now, for the entree... 2309 01:35:10,747 --> 01:35:12,040 we'll have venison and hominy grits. 2310 01:35:12,082 --> 01:35:13,875 How do I know where you get hominy grits? 2311 01:35:13,959 --> 01:35:15,210 Try the Army PX. 2312 01:35:15,293 --> 01:35:17,879 For dessert, peaches flambe a la Hazeltine. 2313 01:35:17,963 --> 01:35:20,882 WINE: King-size Coca-Cola in individual ice buckets. 2314 01:35:20,966 --> 01:35:23,218 TABLE DECORATION: The Von Droste-Schattenburg... 2315 01:35:23,301 --> 01:35:24,553 coat of arms with crossed flags... 2316 01:35:24,594 --> 01:35:25,887 German and Confederate. 2317 01:35:25,971 --> 01:35:28,598 MUSIC: "Dixie," "Swanee River," "Waiting for the Robert E. Lee," 2318 01:35:28,682 --> 01:35:31,393 but not, I repeat not, "Marching Through Georgia." 2319 01:35:31,476 --> 01:35:34,104 You really want to make me the boss of the bottling plant? 2320 01:35:34,187 --> 01:35:35,689 It's a must so your father-in-law... 2321 01:35:35,772 --> 01:35:37,107 won't think you're just a titled beatnik... 2322 01:35:37,190 --> 01:35:38,108 sponging off your wife. 2323 01:35:38,191 --> 01:35:39,693 I'm going to like this job. 2324 01:35:39,776 --> 01:35:41,194 It's about time you started to cooperate. 2325 01:35:41,278 --> 01:35:43,530 You know what the first thing is I'm going to do? 2326 01:35:43,613 --> 01:35:46,533 I'm going to lead the workers down there in revolt! 2327 01:35:46,575 --> 01:35:48,869 Put you pants on, Spartacus. 2328 01:35:48,952 --> 01:35:50,120 Yeah. 2329 01:35:51,455 --> 01:35:52,539 Ingeborg, call the airport... 2330 01:35:52,622 --> 01:35:55,417 and find out if the 12:00 plane from London is on time. 2331 01:35:55,500 --> 01:35:56,877 Yes, Mr. MacNamara. 2332 01:36:06,720 --> 01:36:09,514 Soft drink slaves of the world arise! 2333 01:36:09,556 --> 01:36:10,682 Smash those bottles... 2334 01:36:10,766 --> 01:36:12,851 pour that syrup down the sewers... 2335 01:36:12,934 --> 01:36:15,520 - Remember me? - Commissar Peripetchikoff. 2336 01:36:15,562 --> 01:36:17,063 Well. 2337 01:36:17,147 --> 01:36:18,648 Well is the one thing I am not. 2338 01:36:18,690 --> 01:36:19,691 You are a Russian commissar? 2339 01:36:19,775 --> 01:36:22,194 For the last time, you have made fool of me! 2340 01:36:22,235 --> 01:36:24,029 He fooled me, too. Listen, Commissar... 2341 01:36:24,112 --> 01:36:26,656 you must help me and my wife get into the Soviet Zone. 2342 01:36:26,698 --> 01:36:28,033 There may be a little problem. 2343 01:36:28,074 --> 01:36:29,701 Yeah, everybody's coming this way. 2344 01:36:29,743 --> 01:36:31,411 Fifteen hundred people a day. 2345 01:36:31,495 --> 01:36:32,996 You want to fight all that traffic? 2346 01:36:33,038 --> 01:36:36,166 I'm a party member, paid up till December. 2347 01:36:36,208 --> 01:36:37,834 They need me there. I'm a missile scientist. 2348 01:36:37,876 --> 01:36:41,129 Ah, that is one field where we're ahead of America. 2349 01:36:41,213 --> 01:36:43,173 In Cape Canaveral, if missile goes wrong... 2350 01:36:43,215 --> 01:36:45,467 they press special button and pow! 2351 01:36:45,550 --> 01:36:46,468 It blows up... 2352 01:36:46,551 --> 01:36:48,303 but in Russia, we have two buttons. 2353 01:36:48,386 --> 01:36:49,304 Two buttons! 2354 01:36:49,387 --> 01:36:52,140 One to blow up missile, one to blow up scientist. 2355 01:36:52,182 --> 01:36:53,892 What kind of a commissar are you? 2356 01:36:53,975 --> 01:36:55,185 An ex-commissar. 2357 01:36:55,268 --> 01:36:56,853 You've defected? 2358 01:36:56,895 --> 01:36:59,648 Is old Russian proverb... Go west, young man. 2359 01:36:59,689 --> 01:37:01,858 What happened to your pals Mishkin and Borodenko? 2360 01:37:01,900 --> 01:37:03,360 In ambulance on the way from Brandenburg Gate... 2361 01:37:03,401 --> 01:37:05,362 I snitched Borodenko's Secret Police badge... 2362 01:37:05,445 --> 01:37:06,530 and had them both arrested. 2363 01:37:06,571 --> 01:37:08,532 You betrayed your own comrades? 2364 01:37:08,615 --> 01:37:11,076 If I don't do it to them, they do it to me. 2365 01:37:11,159 --> 01:37:13,537 Is old Russian proverb. 2366 01:37:13,578 --> 01:37:14,955 You're worse than he is. 2367 01:37:15,038 --> 01:37:16,456 Look, my young friend. 2368 01:37:16,540 --> 01:37:17,916 I don't want to be name-dropper... 2369 01:37:17,999 --> 01:37:20,710 but what do you think Khrushchev did to Malenkov? 2370 01:37:20,794 --> 01:37:22,587 What do you think Stalin did to Trotsky? 2371 01:37:22,671 --> 01:37:24,714 Is everybody in this world corrupt? 2372 01:37:24,756 --> 01:37:25,799 I don't know everybody. 2373 01:37:25,882 --> 01:37:28,301 Maybe we should liquidate the whole human race... 2374 01:37:28,385 --> 01:37:29,886 and start all over again. 2375 01:37:29,970 --> 01:37:31,263 Look at it this way, kid. 2376 01:37:31,346 --> 01:37:33,890 Any world that can produce the Taj Mahal... 2377 01:37:33,974 --> 01:37:36,059 William Shakespeare, and striped toothpaste... 2378 01:37:36,142 --> 01:37:37,769 can't be all bad. 2379 01:37:39,396 --> 01:37:41,147 The trousers, you can try them on. 2380 01:37:41,189 --> 01:37:42,148 Take him with you. 2381 01:37:42,190 --> 01:37:44,109 From now on, I fight alone. 2382 01:37:44,192 --> 01:37:46,945 It's Piffl against everybody and everything! 2383 01:37:47,028 --> 01:37:48,488 See what I'm up against? 2384 01:37:48,530 --> 01:37:50,407 He can't even remember his own name. 2385 01:37:50,490 --> 01:37:51,700 To get back to me... 2386 01:37:51,783 --> 01:37:52,742 What do you want... money? 2387 01:37:52,826 --> 01:37:54,828 Certainly not. I will be rich man now. 2388 01:37:54,953 --> 01:37:56,829 You remember those twenty carloads of Swiss cheese? 2389 01:37:56,830 --> 01:37:57,830 What about them? 2390 01:37:57,831 --> 01:37:59,165 I have tremendous scheme. 2391 01:37:59,207 --> 01:38:01,543 I will trade them for twenty carloads of sauerkraut... 2392 01:38:01,585 --> 01:38:03,003 then I will silver-plate the sauerkraut... 2393 01:38:03,044 --> 01:38:04,921 and sell it in the United States... 2394 01:38:05,005 --> 01:38:05,922 for Christmas tree decorations. 2395 01:38:06,006 --> 01:38:07,048 You're a cinch. 2396 01:38:07,090 --> 01:38:09,050 But for this, I need bilingual secretary... 2397 01:38:09,134 --> 01:38:10,719 and you promised me blond lady. 2398 01:38:10,802 --> 01:38:12,095 You came at the right time... 2399 01:38:12,178 --> 01:38:13,930 because I'm moving to London anyway. 2400 01:38:14,014 --> 01:38:15,056 The only thing is... 2401 01:38:15,098 --> 01:38:16,224 I don't know how to break the news to her. 2402 01:38:17,309 --> 01:38:18,685 Ingeborg! 2403 01:38:18,727 --> 01:38:21,187 It's not going to be easy. She's crazy about me. 2404 01:38:21,855 --> 01:38:22,772 Yes, Mr. MacNamara. 2405 01:38:22,856 --> 01:38:25,025 A classified ad to run in all papers. 2406 01:38:25,108 --> 01:38:28,737 International businessman... Overweight but cute... 2407 01:38:28,820 --> 01:38:30,864 Needs executive secretary. 2408 01:38:30,906 --> 01:38:33,283 Fringe benefits include extensive travel... 2409 01:38:33,366 --> 01:38:34,868 large wardrobe allowance... 2410 01:38:34,951 --> 01:38:37,037 liberal retirement plan... 2411 01:38:37,078 --> 01:38:38,038 I take the job. 2412 01:38:38,079 --> 01:38:39,039 You've got it. 2413 01:38:39,080 --> 01:38:41,041 Good-bye. Good luck. 2414 01:38:41,082 --> 01:38:42,667 And what about that call to Templehof? 2415 01:38:42,709 --> 01:38:44,628 Oh, the plane will be ten minutes early. 2416 01:38:44,711 --> 01:38:45,670 10 minutes early? 2417 01:38:45,712 --> 01:38:47,714 That's a hell of a way to run an airline. 2418 01:38:47,797 --> 01:38:49,716 Planes are supposed to be late, not early. 2419 01:38:52,052 --> 01:38:55,055 Oh, I never want to see him again. 2420 01:38:55,138 --> 01:38:56,806 I never want to speak to him. 2421 01:38:57,933 --> 01:38:59,225 I want a divorce. 2422 01:38:59,309 --> 01:39:00,685 What's the matter now? 2423 01:39:00,769 --> 01:39:02,354 He doesn't want the baby. 2424 01:39:02,437 --> 01:39:04,356 He says nobody should bring children... 2425 01:39:04,439 --> 01:39:05,607 into a world like this. 2426 01:39:05,690 --> 01:39:06,608 That miserable punk. 2427 01:39:06,691 --> 01:39:08,818 Why didn't he think of that before? 2428 01:39:08,860 --> 01:39:10,362 After all I've gone through. 2429 01:39:10,403 --> 01:39:11,363 Where is he? 2430 01:39:11,404 --> 01:39:13,823 I'm sorry, darling. I didn't mean it. 2431 01:39:13,865 --> 01:39:16,117 Of course we're going to have the baby. 2432 01:39:16,201 --> 01:39:17,953 I love you. 2433 01:39:18,036 --> 01:39:20,288 Don't ever scare me like that again. 2434 01:39:21,289 --> 01:39:24,542 Maybe our children can make this a better place to live in... 2435 01:39:24,584 --> 01:39:26,920 a world where men are created equal... 2436 01:39:27,045 --> 01:39:29,798 and there's liberty and... and justice for all. 2437 01:39:29,881 --> 01:39:30,799 Congratulations. 2438 01:39:30,882 --> 01:39:32,300 You just quoted Thomas Jefferson... 2439 01:39:32,384 --> 01:39:33,385 Abraham Lincoln... 2440 01:39:33,468 --> 01:39:35,470 and the Pledge of Allegiance to the Flag. 2441 01:39:35,553 --> 01:39:36,805 I what? 2442 01:39:39,349 --> 01:39:41,518 Come on. Let's get going. 2443 01:39:49,109 --> 01:39:50,360 I take it into the other room and fix it. 2444 01:39:50,443 --> 01:39:52,028 We haven't got time. Come with us. 2445 01:39:53,863 --> 01:39:55,490 Schlemmer! 2446 01:39:55,532 --> 01:39:57,117 Sitzen machen. 2447 01:39:59,577 --> 01:40:00,537 Blumen. 2448 01:40:00,578 --> 01:40:03,289 Here. This is for your mother-in-law. 2449 01:40:16,052 --> 01:40:17,637 Hutte. 2450 01:40:22,434 --> 01:40:25,437 Oh, in front. You, paint from the inside. 2451 01:40:27,188 --> 01:40:29,315 Quick, to the airport. Eins, zwei, drei. 2452 01:40:36,740 --> 01:40:40,160 All right! Watch that umbrella. 2453 01:40:40,201 --> 01:40:41,619 No, I don't like it. 2454 01:40:41,703 --> 01:40:43,705 Here. You need some stuff for your pockets. 2455 01:40:43,747 --> 01:40:46,791 Money, cigarette case... 2456 01:40:46,875 --> 01:40:49,335 lighter, picture of the castle. 2457 01:40:49,377 --> 01:40:51,087 Try this one, darling. 2458 01:40:51,171 --> 01:40:53,465 You'd better take my wristwatch, too. 2459 01:40:55,467 --> 01:40:56,468 Oh, that's my wrist. 2460 01:40:56,551 --> 01:40:57,719 Oh. 2461 01:40:57,802 --> 01:40:59,011 You know, darling, I don't think... 2462 01:40:59,012 --> 01:41:00,472 you were meant to wear a hat. 2463 01:41:00,555 --> 01:41:03,349 I wasn't meant to be a count, either. 2464 01:41:03,433 --> 01:41:05,268 This is ridiculous. Who's going to believe it? 2465 01:41:05,351 --> 01:41:06,269 Calm down. 2466 01:41:06,352 --> 01:41:07,812 The only royalty we know in America... 2467 01:41:07,854 --> 01:41:11,107 is Nat King Cole, Duke Snyder, and Earl Wilson. 2468 01:41:23,870 --> 01:41:25,747 - Ouch! - Oh, pardon. 2469 01:41:29,292 --> 01:41:31,211 Please, Liebchen, not that. Anything but that. 2470 01:41:31,294 --> 01:41:33,588 All right. Let's see if we have a black bowler. 2471 01:41:33,671 --> 01:41:34,589 Bowler, bowler. 2472 01:41:34,672 --> 01:41:35,715 Here's a list of what you owe me. 2473 01:41:35,799 --> 01:41:37,050 - Owe you? - All itemized. 2474 01:41:37,175 --> 01:41:39,010 MERCEDES LIMOUSINE: Twenty thousand marks. 2475 01:41:39,052 --> 01:41:40,678 COST OF ADOPTION: Forty-five hundred marks. 2476 01:41:40,720 --> 01:41:42,806 Suits, haberdashery, shoes, ET CETERA, ET CETERA: 2477 01:41:42,889 --> 01:41:44,224 12,800 marks. 2478 01:41:44,307 --> 01:41:46,893 Luggage, flowers, 7-COURSE DINNER: 925 marks. 2479 01:41:46,976 --> 01:41:48,686 HAIRCUT AND MANICURE: Fourteen marks. 2480 01:41:48,728 --> 01:41:50,355 TIPS: Six marks. 2481 01:41:50,396 --> 01:41:51,481 I'm a very large tipper. 2482 01:41:51,523 --> 01:41:54,359 Wristwatch, cigarette case, LIGHTER WITH FLUID: 2,200 marks. 2483 01:41:54,442 --> 01:41:56,194 LOOSE CHANGE: 475 marks. 2484 01:41:56,277 --> 01:42:00,448 TOTAL: 41,020 marks, or $10,255. 2485 01:42:00,532 --> 01:42:02,534 You mean I have been a capitalist for three hours... 2486 01:42:02,617 --> 01:42:03,868 and already I owe $10,000? 2487 01:42:03,910 --> 01:42:05,078 That's what makes our system work. 2488 01:42:05,203 --> 01:42:06,704 Everybody owes everybody. 2489 01:42:06,746 --> 01:42:08,373 That's the one! 2490 01:42:09,207 --> 01:42:11,209 Doesn't it look distinguished? 2491 01:42:11,835 --> 01:42:13,002 Not bad. 2492 01:42:14,045 --> 01:42:16,172 11:46. Faster, Fritz! 2493 01:42:20,802 --> 01:42:22,804 Now, before you meet Daddy, I'd better warn you... 2494 01:42:22,887 --> 01:42:24,889 There are certain things he feels very strongly about. 2495 01:42:24,973 --> 01:42:25,890 One is the Civil War. 2496 01:42:25,974 --> 01:42:27,016 Civil War? 2497 01:42:27,100 --> 01:42:29,018 If the subject comes up, just say it was a draw. 2498 01:42:29,060 --> 01:42:30,019 Another is Coca-Cola. 2499 01:42:30,061 --> 01:42:31,688 Tell him we must look beyond the six-pack. 2500 01:42:31,729 --> 01:42:33,356 Why not a nine-pack or a twelve-pack? 2501 01:42:33,439 --> 01:42:34,566 Then there's golf. 2502 01:42:34,649 --> 01:42:36,693 GOLF: The family that plays together stays together. 2503 01:42:36,734 --> 01:42:38,069 And the world situation... 2504 01:42:38,153 --> 01:42:39,070 It's serious, but not hopeless. 2505 01:42:39,154 --> 01:42:40,530 And vivisection. 2506 01:42:40,572 --> 01:42:41,698 It shouldn't happen to a dog. 2507 01:42:41,739 --> 01:42:43,366 And Red China and income taxes... 2508 01:42:43,408 --> 01:42:44,701 and Tennessee Williams. 2509 01:42:44,784 --> 01:42:46,786 Wait! Stop the car. It's no use. 2510 01:42:46,870 --> 01:42:48,079 I can't remember all that. 2511 01:42:48,121 --> 01:42:50,081 Darling, you can't give up now. 2512 01:42:50,123 --> 01:42:51,082 Maybe we'll get lucky. 2513 01:42:51,124 --> 01:42:53,209 Maybe somebody hijacked the plane. 2514 01:43:07,223 --> 01:43:09,726 Now, honey, you let me handle this young man. 2515 01:43:09,809 --> 01:43:11,603 It'll take me just thirty seconds to find out... 2516 01:43:11,686 --> 01:43:13,062 if he's one of those fortune hunters... 2517 01:43:13,146 --> 01:43:14,480 or some kind of a crackpot. 2518 01:43:14,522 --> 01:43:15,857 Oh, dear. I hope not. 2519 01:43:15,899 --> 01:43:17,483 You don't know these Europeans. 2520 01:43:17,525 --> 01:43:20,028 My poor honey child. 2521 01:43:20,069 --> 01:43:22,280 Where are they anyway? 2522 01:43:38,463 --> 01:43:40,715 Tear them again, and I'll tear you apart. 2523 01:43:46,763 --> 01:43:48,264 Scarlett! 2524 01:43:56,481 --> 01:43:57,398 Mother! 2525 01:43:57,482 --> 01:43:58,983 Oh, let me look at you. 2526 01:43:59,025 --> 01:44:00,818 Dad. Oh. 2527 01:44:00,860 --> 01:44:02,779 All right. Now, where is he? 2528 01:44:02,862 --> 01:44:04,530 Over here. 2529 01:44:07,283 --> 01:44:08,910 I want you to meet my husband Otto. 2530 01:44:08,993 --> 01:44:10,453 The Count Von Droste-Schattenburg. 2531 01:44:10,536 --> 01:44:11,454 Count Von what? 2532 01:44:11,537 --> 01:44:12,455 This is my mother. 2533 01:44:12,538 --> 01:44:14,749 Your highness. 2534 01:44:14,832 --> 01:44:16,751 Please, not in the immediate family. 2535 01:44:17,752 --> 01:44:19,712 Oh, one of those... a hand-kisser. 2536 01:44:19,796 --> 01:44:21,047 And this is my father. 2537 01:44:21,130 --> 01:44:22,548 Hello, Dad. How's your golf? 2538 01:44:22,632 --> 01:44:24,217 I always say, the family that plays together... 2539 01:44:24,300 --> 01:44:25,385 Never mind that. 2540 01:44:25,468 --> 01:44:27,178 There are a few questions I want to ask you. 2541 01:44:27,220 --> 01:44:29,222 Don't worry. If it's a boy, we'll name him after you. 2542 01:44:29,305 --> 01:44:31,182 Wendell P. Von Droste-Schattenburg. 2543 01:44:31,266 --> 01:44:32,183 Von Droste what? 2544 01:44:32,267 --> 01:44:33,393 We have to be very careful... 2545 01:44:33,476 --> 01:44:34,644 when we change the baby's diapers. 2546 01:44:34,686 --> 01:44:36,187 Otto comes from a long line of bleeders. 2547 01:44:36,271 --> 01:44:37,522 Oh, isn't that nice? 2548 01:44:37,605 --> 01:44:39,232 I always wanted Scarlett to be married... 2549 01:44:39,315 --> 01:44:41,109 to a long line of something. 2550 01:44:41,192 --> 01:44:43,236 Now, MacNamara, tell me about this young man. 2551 01:44:43,319 --> 01:44:44,696 Who is he, and what does he do... 2552 01:44:44,779 --> 01:44:46,030 besides slobber over women's hands? 2553 01:44:46,072 --> 01:44:48,199 Don't let that title fool you. He works for a living. 2554 01:44:48,283 --> 01:44:49,367 Doing what? 2555 01:44:49,450 --> 01:44:51,536 As a matter of fact, he's head of our bottling plant. 2556 01:44:51,619 --> 01:44:52,537 He works for us? 2557 01:44:52,620 --> 01:44:54,372 Best man I ever had. Graduate engineer. 2558 01:44:54,455 --> 01:44:55,373 Took a lot of finagling... 2559 01:44:55,456 --> 01:44:56,874 to get him away from our competitors. 2560 01:44:56,958 --> 01:44:58,668 You don't say. 2561 01:44:59,419 --> 01:45:01,629 Now, this is a picture of the family castle. 2562 01:45:02,630 --> 01:45:04,257 And this is my party membership... oops. 2563 01:45:04,340 --> 01:45:05,258 Wrong party. 2564 01:45:05,341 --> 01:45:07,260 And here's the family crest. 2565 01:45:07,343 --> 01:45:08,845 Oh! Well, you'll have to put that... 2566 01:45:08,886 --> 01:45:11,389 on all your stationery and your silverware... 2567 01:45:11,472 --> 01:45:12,390 and your underwear... 2568 01:45:12,473 --> 01:45:14,684 Well, son, glad to have you on the team. 2569 01:45:14,767 --> 01:45:16,519 I suppose you two met in the bottling plant. 2570 01:45:16,602 --> 01:45:17,895 Oh, no. We met in a parade. 2571 01:45:17,979 --> 01:45:19,314 He was carrying a picture of Khrushchev. 2572 01:45:19,355 --> 01:45:20,315 Khrushchev? 2573 01:45:20,356 --> 01:45:22,984 Yes, with a big slogan on it... "Russki go home!" 2574 01:45:23,026 --> 01:45:24,569 They threw him in jail for it. 2575 01:45:24,652 --> 01:45:25,570 My poor boy. 2576 01:45:25,653 --> 01:45:27,030 How is the situation here in Berlin? 2577 01:45:27,113 --> 01:45:29,157 It shouldn't happen to a dog. 2578 01:45:29,198 --> 01:45:31,034 I mean it's a draw. 2579 01:45:31,075 --> 01:45:35,038 Actually, the situation is hopeless but not serious. 2580 01:45:35,121 --> 01:45:36,873 Hopeless but not... 2581 01:45:36,914 --> 01:45:39,375 Say, the boy's got a head on his shoulders. 2582 01:45:39,459 --> 01:45:40,668 What did I tell you? 2583 01:45:40,710 --> 01:45:43,212 May I have those? Fritz... 2584 01:45:45,006 --> 01:45:46,215 Next. Schlemmer! 2585 01:45:46,299 --> 01:45:48,384 Take these to passport control. One, two, three. 2586 01:45:48,468 --> 01:45:49,385 Yes, sir. 2587 01:45:49,469 --> 01:45:50,970 Next! Mom, Dad... 2588 01:45:51,054 --> 01:45:52,388 I'm giving a little banquet tonight... 2589 01:45:52,472 --> 01:45:54,349 Un petit dîner en famille. 2590 01:45:54,432 --> 01:45:55,683 Oh, he speaks French, too. 2591 01:45:55,767 --> 01:45:57,185 - And Russian. - Russian? 2592 01:45:57,268 --> 01:45:58,269 White Russian, of course. 2593 01:45:58,353 --> 01:45:59,270 Oh. 2594 01:45:59,354 --> 01:46:00,688 Now, Dad, there are a few ideas... 2595 01:46:00,772 --> 01:46:02,190 I'd like to kick around with you. 2596 01:46:02,273 --> 01:46:03,816 Now, we must look beyond the six-pack. 2597 01:46:03,858 --> 01:46:06,527 Why not a nine-pack or a twelve-pack? 2598 01:46:06,611 --> 01:46:09,155 Pan American Flight 17 to New York... 2599 01:46:09,197 --> 01:46:12,742 via Frankfurt now boarding at Gate Five. 2600 01:46:21,959 --> 01:46:22,877 Phyllis! 2601 01:46:22,960 --> 01:46:25,338 Mac! You came through 100%. 2602 01:46:25,421 --> 01:46:26,339 I did what I could. 2603 01:46:26,422 --> 01:46:27,548 Now I'm sure I found the right man... 2604 01:46:27,632 --> 01:46:28,716 for the London job. 2605 01:46:28,800 --> 01:46:29,884 Thanks, Mr. Hazeltine. 2606 01:46:29,967 --> 01:46:31,052 It's just what we need... 2607 01:46:31,135 --> 01:46:32,220 Somebody who's a good organizer... 2608 01:46:32,303 --> 01:46:33,721 has a lot of drive, knows the business... 2609 01:46:33,805 --> 01:46:34,722 speaks several languages. 2610 01:46:34,806 --> 01:46:36,182 Well, I studied every chance I had. 2611 01:46:36,265 --> 01:46:37,350 Yes, sir. 2612 01:46:37,392 --> 01:46:38,643 Absolutely the ideal man for this position. 2613 01:46:38,684 --> 01:46:41,521 And I'm not just saying that because he's my son-in-law. 2614 01:46:42,271 --> 01:46:43,189 How's that? 2615 01:46:43,272 --> 01:46:45,233 It's not going to hurt our prestige any. 2616 01:46:45,316 --> 01:46:46,401 Head of European operations... 2617 01:46:46,484 --> 01:46:48,861 Count Otto Von Droste-Schattenburg. 2618 01:46:48,903 --> 01:46:49,946 Oh, that's how it is. 2619 01:46:50,029 --> 01:46:51,864 As for you, Mac, you haven't been forgotten. 2620 01:46:51,948 --> 01:46:53,699 You're going all the way to the top now. 2621 01:46:53,783 --> 01:46:55,201 There's an opening in the home office... 2622 01:46:55,243 --> 01:46:56,994 vice president in charge of procurement... 2623 01:46:57,036 --> 01:46:58,037 and it is all yours. 2624 01:46:58,079 --> 01:46:59,372 Why are you so good to me? 2625 01:46:59,497 --> 01:47:01,624 I know you must be dying to get back to Atlanta. 2626 01:47:01,707 --> 01:47:03,167 Dying is right. 2627 01:47:03,209 --> 01:47:06,087 Here you are, Count. I won't be needing this anymore. 2628 01:47:06,170 --> 01:47:07,213 Thank you, old chap. 2629 01:47:07,296 --> 01:47:08,214 Bye, Countess. 2630 01:47:08,297 --> 01:47:11,759 Mr. MacNamara, I simply adore you. 2631 01:47:12,301 --> 01:47:13,386 Will you write to us? 2632 01:47:13,469 --> 01:47:14,470 Better than that. 2633 01:47:14,554 --> 01:47:15,888 I'll send you some silver-plated sauerkraut... 2634 01:47:15,930 --> 01:47:17,473 for Christmas. 2635 01:47:24,772 --> 01:47:25,857 Mom, can we have a Coke? 2636 01:47:25,940 --> 01:47:28,568 You can have one on the plane. I don't have any change. 2637 01:47:28,651 --> 01:47:30,528 - I've got change. - Mac! 2638 01:47:30,611 --> 01:47:32,655 Very nice of you to come down here to see me off. 2639 01:47:34,866 --> 01:47:35,908 Where are you going? 2640 01:47:35,992 --> 01:47:36,909 Back to the States. 2641 01:47:36,993 --> 01:47:39,328 Funny, that's where we're going. 2642 01:47:39,370 --> 01:47:41,205 I thought I'd take Flight 17 to New York. 2643 01:47:41,289 --> 01:47:43,124 From there I can hop a freedom bus to Atlanta. 2644 01:47:43,207 --> 01:47:44,125 - Atlanta? - Yeah. 2645 01:47:44,208 --> 01:47:47,253 I'm the new vice president in charge of bottle caps. 2646 01:47:47,336 --> 01:47:49,088 They're kicking me upstairs. 2647 01:47:49,172 --> 01:47:50,715 That's something I've always wanted to do myself. 2648 01:47:50,798 --> 01:47:52,925 So anytime you and the kids would care to join me... 2649 01:47:53,009 --> 01:47:54,510 I'll be waiting for you. 2650 01:47:54,552 --> 01:47:56,762 Just a minute. Conference. 2651 01:47:59,682 --> 01:48:01,684 Two out of three. Deal is on. 2652 01:48:01,726 --> 01:48:03,019 Two out of three? 2653 01:48:03,060 --> 01:48:05,521 All right. Who's the wise guy? 2654 01:48:15,031 --> 01:48:16,699 Schlemmer! 193399