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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:03,720 --> 00:00:05,190 She's coming. 2 00:00:09,080 --> 00:00:10,630 Happy Valentine's Day! 3 00:00:10,680 --> 00:00:11,830 Oh. Right. 4 00:00:11,880 --> 00:00:15,150 Oh, thanks, Kelly. Oh. 5 00:00:15,200 --> 00:00:19,230 I thought you might not get one so I made it on my break this afternoon. 6 00:00:19,280 --> 00:00:21,390 I might've got a little bit carried away or... 7 00:00:21,440 --> 00:00:23,670 Oh, oh. 8 00:00:23,720 --> 00:00:25,750 Oh-ho-ho-ho. 9 00:00:25,800 --> 00:00:27,390 Oh, no, that's lovely... 10 00:00:27,440 --> 00:00:28,990 Oh! Oh. 11 00:00:29,040 --> 00:00:31,790 Oh. Oh, thank you. 12 00:00:31,840 --> 00:00:34,790 That's lovely. Thank you. 13 00:00:34,840 --> 00:00:36,840 - She's good, isn't she? - Yeah. 14 00:00:39,480 --> 00:00:40,990 I'm sort of into crafts. 15 00:00:41,040 --> 00:00:44,640 Oh, well, you're very good at it. Thank you so much. 16 00:00:48,760 --> 00:00:50,550 Well, it's fine. 17 00:00:50,600 --> 00:00:53,480 I wasn't expecting a card from you, so... 18 00:00:54,760 --> 00:00:56,030 Oh, sorry... 19 00:00:56,080 --> 00:00:57,430 No, it's cool. 20 00:00:57,480 --> 00:00:59,600 I wasn't expecting one, so it's cool. 21 00:01:02,560 --> 00:01:05,070 Have you been standing there the whole time? 22 00:01:05,120 --> 00:01:06,910 Yep. 23 00:01:06,960 --> 00:01:08,150 Great. 24 00:01:08,200 --> 00:01:12,230 Don't worry. I didn't hear a thing. 25 00:01:12,280 --> 00:01:15,230 I love Valentine's Day, don't you? 26 00:01:15,280 --> 00:01:16,710 Yeah. 27 00:01:16,760 --> 00:01:18,910 You're never too old for a bit of romance. 28 00:01:18,960 --> 00:01:21,190 People nowadays, you know, "make love" till, like, 29 00:01:21,240 --> 00:01:23,070 well into their sixties. 30 00:01:23,120 --> 00:01:25,310 I saw a programme about it. It was disgusting. 31 00:01:27,400 --> 00:01:30,310 Well, not, not, not disgusting but... 32 00:01:30,360 --> 00:01:32,030 I've set up your new iPhone. 33 00:01:32,080 --> 00:01:33,710 Oh, thanks. 34 00:01:33,760 --> 00:01:35,470 It's good you've got that, isn't it? 35 00:01:35,520 --> 00:01:37,790 They're really good for keeping in touch with people 36 00:01:37,840 --> 00:01:40,190 - in different countries. - OK. 37 00:01:40,240 --> 00:01:41,590 Yeah, yeah, that is good. 38 00:01:41,640 --> 00:01:42,920 Yeah. 39 00:01:49,800 --> 00:01:50,880 Hm. 40 00:01:52,520 --> 00:01:53,790 When I said "disgusting", 41 00:01:53,840 --> 00:01:57,030 - I didn't mean the thought of you shagging someone was disgusting. - No? 42 00:01:57,080 --> 00:01:59,390 No! You'd look great doing it. 43 00:01:59,440 --> 00:02:00,830 Especially if you were on top. 44 00:02:00,880 --> 00:02:02,870 Kelly! 45 00:02:02,920 --> 00:02:05,510 What? She would! I'm being nice! 46 00:02:05,560 --> 00:02:06,870 I wouldn't want to watch it. 47 00:02:06,920 --> 00:02:09,150 No? You wouldn't wanna watch me ride a pensioner? 48 00:02:09,200 --> 00:02:10,790 Oh, Mum! 49 00:02:10,840 --> 00:02:15,030 No! No way. No offence but... 50 00:02:15,080 --> 00:02:17,590 You do not want to know the things my ex made me watch. 51 00:02:17,640 --> 00:02:19,830 When I close my eyes I can still see them. 52 00:02:19,880 --> 00:02:21,640 - Can you give me a hand? - Yep. 53 00:02:27,560 --> 00:02:28,950 No, no, no, no, no, no, no... 54 00:02:29,000 --> 00:02:30,320 Oh, come on, come on... 55 00:02:31,600 --> 00:02:33,990 Is it hard being a widow on Valentine's Day? 56 00:02:34,040 --> 00:02:36,230 Erm, a little bit, yeah. 57 00:02:36,280 --> 00:02:38,750 - Kell, are you going to get ready? - Yeah. I'm coming. 58 00:02:38,800 --> 00:02:42,030 I mean, it's just another day, isn't it? But there's lots of memories. 59 00:02:42,080 --> 00:02:43,550 We didn't used to go out, really. 60 00:02:43,600 --> 00:02:46,150 We just used to stay in and watch a film because... 61 00:02:46,200 --> 00:02:48,590 Yeah. I know what you mean. 62 00:02:48,640 --> 00:02:51,350 This one Valentine's Day when I was 15, 63 00:02:51,400 --> 00:02:53,800 and I'd just been dumped by Noel Edmunds... 64 00:02:54,920 --> 00:02:56,950 - A different one. - Oh. 65 00:02:57,000 --> 00:02:59,070 He was in the year above, 66 00:02:59,120 --> 00:03:01,550 and all my other friends were out with their boyfriends, 67 00:03:01,600 --> 00:03:04,350 and my mum was out with Alan, and I was all alone, 68 00:03:04,400 --> 00:03:08,190 and honestly, Cathy, literally, I was this close to killing myself. 69 00:03:08,240 --> 00:03:10,470 Oh, you poor thing. 70 00:03:10,520 --> 00:03:12,150 It's not as bad as you, though, is it? 71 00:03:12,200 --> 00:03:13,510 Kelly, are you getting ready? 72 00:03:13,560 --> 00:03:16,240 Yes! I'm just looking after your mum! 73 00:03:17,920 --> 00:03:19,430 I love coming round here. 74 00:03:19,480 --> 00:03:21,510 Oh, well, it's very nice to have you. 75 00:03:21,560 --> 00:03:22,600 Hmm. 76 00:03:23,800 --> 00:03:24,910 Thanks. 77 00:03:24,960 --> 00:03:26,240 You're welcome. 78 00:03:28,280 --> 00:03:30,150 I was just helping, hanging up some clothes 79 00:03:30,200 --> 00:03:32,510 and telling her about when I got dumped by Noel Edmunds. 80 00:03:32,560 --> 00:03:33,710 Noel Edmonds? 81 00:03:33,760 --> 00:03:34,830 A different one. 82 00:03:34,880 --> 00:03:37,190 Oh. 83 00:03:37,240 --> 00:03:39,430 Oh, fucking hell. Oh... 84 00:03:42,080 --> 00:03:44,070 ♪ I got my ticket for the long way round 85 00:03:44,120 --> 00:03:46,990 ♪ Two bottles of whisky for the way 86 00:03:47,040 --> 00:03:50,710 ♪ And I sure would like some sweet company 87 00:03:50,760 --> 00:03:52,710 ♪ Oh, I'm leaving tomorrow. 88 00:03:52,760 --> 00:03:54,430 ♪ What do you say? 89 00:03:54,480 --> 00:03:56,470 - ♪ When I'm gone - When I'm gone 90 00:03:56,520 --> 00:03:58,990 - ♪ When I'm gone - When I'm go-o-one 91 00:03:59,040 --> 00:04:02,150 ♪ You're gonna miss me when I'm gone 92 00:04:02,200 --> 00:04:04,070 ♪ You're gonna miss me by my hair 93 00:04:04,120 --> 00:04:06,470 ♪ You're gonna miss me everywhere 94 00:04:06,520 --> 00:04:09,480 ♪ You're gonna miss me when I'm gone 95 00:04:11,240 --> 00:04:15,110 ♪ I got my ticket for the long way round 96 00:04:15,160 --> 00:04:17,230 ♪ The one with the prettiest view... ♪ 97 00:04:17,280 --> 00:04:20,750 - I'm not going in there, Derek. - It'll be nice. She's rented a film. 98 00:04:20,800 --> 00:04:22,670 - Come on. - I'm not going in there, Derek. 99 00:04:22,720 --> 00:04:25,590 Come on. Please. We'll just have one drink. 100 00:04:25,640 --> 00:04:27,830 If you make me go in there, I will hide in the bathroom. 101 00:04:27,880 --> 00:04:29,390 I've done it before. 102 00:04:29,440 --> 00:04:31,670 It's Valentine's Day. She's my sister. Come on. 103 00:04:31,720 --> 00:04:34,320 Don't you walk away from me, you turd. 104 00:04:39,200 --> 00:04:43,390 Here she is! Big sis! Haven't you grown? 105 00:04:43,440 --> 00:04:45,990 Happy Valentine's. 106 00:04:46,040 --> 00:04:48,150 - Are you all right? - Yeah. Thanks for coming round. 107 00:04:48,200 --> 00:04:50,110 Oh, don't be silly. It's just another night. 108 00:04:50,160 --> 00:04:51,510 - Isn't it, Pauline? - Yes. 109 00:04:51,560 --> 00:04:53,110 Oh, give her the, erm... 110 00:04:55,280 --> 00:04:57,110 Happy Valentine's Day, Cathy. 111 00:04:57,160 --> 00:05:00,110 Oh! Thank you. Thanks for coming round, Pauline. 112 00:05:00,160 --> 00:05:02,070 No, I'm absolutely thrilled to be here. 113 00:05:02,120 --> 00:05:03,350 Oh, thank you. 114 00:05:03,400 --> 00:05:07,430 This is exactly how I imagined myself spending Valentine's Day(!) 115 00:05:07,480 --> 00:05:08,550 Great. 116 00:05:08,600 --> 00:05:11,750 Oh, Pauline's baked a batch of biscuits so we brought some for you. 117 00:05:11,800 --> 00:05:13,310 What are they? 118 00:05:13,360 --> 00:05:15,590 Rosemary, lavender, liquorice and lime. 119 00:05:15,640 --> 00:05:17,790 Rosemary, lavender, liquorice and lime. 120 00:05:17,840 --> 00:05:20,190 Oh, yum. Come in, come in. 121 00:05:20,240 --> 00:05:21,790 Jason and Kelly will be going out soon 122 00:05:21,840 --> 00:05:25,480 so we can get the food and watch the film. 123 00:05:26,960 --> 00:05:29,950 - You can leave those on if you want. - I know. 124 00:05:30,000 --> 00:05:32,430 Yeah, no, what I mean is you don't need to worry about 125 00:05:32,480 --> 00:05:34,070 getting the carpets dirty. 126 00:05:34,120 --> 00:05:36,150 Oh, I'm not worried. 127 00:05:36,200 --> 00:05:38,430 Right, I'm just going to go and get changed 128 00:05:38,480 --> 00:05:40,190 and then we can order the food. 129 00:05:40,240 --> 00:05:41,800 Lovely. 130 00:05:45,160 --> 00:05:47,110 We've gone out, and we're having dinner. 131 00:05:47,160 --> 00:05:50,390 That's not the same as going out for dinner. 132 00:05:50,440 --> 00:05:53,150 Can one of you sort this out for me? I'm going to get changed. 133 00:05:53,200 --> 00:05:54,190 What is it? 134 00:05:54,240 --> 00:05:55,390 I rented a DVD. 135 00:05:55,440 --> 00:05:57,550 - Did you? - Yeah. 136 00:05:57,600 --> 00:05:59,030 What, from a shop? 137 00:05:59,080 --> 00:06:00,510 Yeah. 138 00:06:00,560 --> 00:06:03,760 Oh Cathy. You're hilarious. 139 00:06:09,120 --> 00:06:12,070 - Who's that? - Do you want me to get it? 140 00:06:12,120 --> 00:06:14,390 Can someone get it? I'm getting changed. 141 00:06:14,440 --> 00:06:15,640 I'll get it! 142 00:06:18,160 --> 00:06:20,350 I'm coming! 143 00:06:20,400 --> 00:06:25,070 Oh, hello. It's Michael, isn't it? 144 00:06:25,120 --> 00:06:26,510 Yeah. 145 00:06:26,560 --> 00:06:28,710 Well, come in. Come in. 146 00:06:28,760 --> 00:06:31,710 You should have a coat on, you great big doughnut. 147 00:06:31,760 --> 00:06:32,790 How are you? 148 00:06:32,840 --> 00:06:34,760 Yeah, I'm good, thanks. 149 00:06:36,120 --> 00:06:37,750 Yeah, my arm hurts a little bit. 150 00:06:37,800 --> 00:06:39,270 Oh, dear. Did you bang it? 151 00:06:39,320 --> 00:06:42,000 No. That's what I can't get my head round. 152 00:06:43,040 --> 00:06:46,630 Cathy! It's Michael! He's... 153 00:06:46,680 --> 00:06:47,950 Why are you here? 154 00:06:48,000 --> 00:06:49,910 Yeah, well, I was just popping in. 155 00:06:49,960 --> 00:06:52,750 - Shall I just tell her that or...? - No, you don't need to tell her that. 156 00:06:52,800 --> 00:06:55,350 Cathy! It's Michael! 157 00:06:55,400 --> 00:06:56,790 He's just popping in! 158 00:06:56,840 --> 00:06:59,030 On Valentine's Day! 159 00:06:59,080 --> 00:07:01,950 I'm only kidding. 160 00:07:02,000 --> 00:07:04,630 Oh, hello, Michael. Nice to see you. 161 00:07:04,680 --> 00:07:07,830 Hi. Yeah, I was just... I thought I'd pop in, just... 162 00:07:07,880 --> 00:07:09,670 Oh, hello, Michael, mate. 163 00:07:09,720 --> 00:07:12,950 Hey, Derek. I wasn't expecting to see you here tonight. 164 00:07:13,000 --> 00:07:15,510 I'm an international man of mystery. 165 00:07:15,560 --> 00:07:18,270 Oh, for God's sake, Derek. Stop laughing at yourself. 166 00:07:18,320 --> 00:07:20,510 Just one minute, Michael, sorry. 167 00:07:20,560 --> 00:07:22,350 Kelly, love, can you, erm...? 168 00:07:22,400 --> 00:07:25,390 Can you, can you, can you show me how to get on the web? 169 00:07:25,440 --> 00:07:27,870 - Yeah. - I've spent all this money on this new phone 170 00:07:27,920 --> 00:07:30,510 and I've absolutely no idea what to do with it. 171 00:07:30,560 --> 00:07:31,750 Yeah! I've got one... 172 00:07:31,800 --> 00:07:34,920 Yes, so, Cathy, so you get on the, erm, "web"... 173 00:07:37,080 --> 00:07:39,550 .. by tapping on Safari. 174 00:07:39,600 --> 00:07:40,590 Oh, yes. Yeah, yeah. 175 00:07:40,640 --> 00:07:43,680 - I just press that button and that opens up. - "Button"! 176 00:07:45,120 --> 00:07:50,150 Sorry for laughing, Cathy, but, honestly, "button". 177 00:07:50,200 --> 00:07:53,390 - Could I tell Jason? - Yeah, of course you can. 178 00:07:53,440 --> 00:07:55,310 Jason! 179 00:07:55,360 --> 00:07:56,830 Well, come in. Can I get you a drink? 180 00:07:56,880 --> 00:07:58,950 No! I was... I was just popping in... 181 00:07:59,000 --> 00:08:00,830 Jason! 182 00:08:00,880 --> 00:08:04,270 Your mum just called an icon a button! She just called it... 183 00:08:04,320 --> 00:08:06,550 Are you, OK, Pauline? Can I get you a drink? 184 00:08:06,600 --> 00:08:07,870 Have you got champagne? 185 00:08:07,920 --> 00:08:11,910 Erm, no, sorry. Erm, I've got wine, beer, soft drinks... 186 00:08:11,960 --> 00:08:13,270 No champagne at all? 187 00:08:13,320 --> 00:08:14,430 No. 188 00:08:14,480 --> 00:08:16,830 Not even a little bottle squirreled away somewhere 189 00:08:16,880 --> 00:08:18,190 for some petty celebration? 190 00:08:18,240 --> 00:08:19,990 - Pauline... - I've got wine. 191 00:08:20,040 --> 00:08:23,110 Have some white wine. It tastes the same as champagne. 192 00:08:23,160 --> 00:08:25,360 You actually believe that, don't you? 193 00:08:26,760 --> 00:08:31,310 Jason! Your mum just called it a button! 194 00:08:31,360 --> 00:08:35,990 Then, earlier, she was like, "What's a gigabyte? What's a gigabyte?" 195 00:08:36,040 --> 00:08:40,160 And now she's like, "Press the button! Press the button!" 196 00:08:42,840 --> 00:08:44,190 It's nice, isn't it? 197 00:08:44,240 --> 00:08:45,560 Yeah, it's lovely. 198 00:08:46,920 --> 00:08:48,030 Jason! 199 00:08:48,080 --> 00:08:49,950 ♪ It feels so good in my hood... ♪ 200 00:08:50,000 --> 00:08:51,990 Are you calling me?! 201 00:08:52,040 --> 00:08:53,560 It doesn't matter! 202 00:08:54,640 --> 00:08:56,870 Come upstairs if you want to talk to me. 203 00:08:56,920 --> 00:08:58,350 Shouting up the stairs... 204 00:08:58,400 --> 00:09:01,030 It's ridiculous. It's not my fault I can't hear you. 205 00:09:01,080 --> 00:09:04,430 Text me or WhatsApp me, don't just shout at me. 206 00:09:04,480 --> 00:09:06,070 It's not my fault I can't hear you. 207 00:09:06,120 --> 00:09:08,430 ♪ It feels so good 208 00:09:08,480 --> 00:09:10,430 ♪ So let me hear the party... ♪ 209 00:09:10,480 --> 00:09:12,950 "Buttons"! 210 00:09:13,000 --> 00:09:17,030 Honestly, Cathy, it's the 21st century. 211 00:09:17,080 --> 00:09:19,430 There aren't any buttons on phones. 212 00:09:19,480 --> 00:09:20,990 What are they called, then? 213 00:09:21,040 --> 00:09:22,030 Icons. 214 00:09:22,080 --> 00:09:25,910 OK, so what's that at the bottom? 215 00:09:25,960 --> 00:09:27,390 A button. 216 00:09:27,440 --> 00:09:29,110 Right. 217 00:09:29,160 --> 00:09:31,790 All right, Michael? What you doing here? 218 00:09:31,840 --> 00:09:34,030 Yeah, I just popped in to see how your mum was. 219 00:09:34,080 --> 00:09:35,480 Happy Valentine's Day. 220 00:09:36,800 --> 00:09:38,430 Thanks. 221 00:09:38,480 --> 00:09:40,230 Not like that. 222 00:09:40,280 --> 00:09:41,390 Do you want one of these? 223 00:09:41,440 --> 00:09:43,750 - They were giving them out at Liverpool Street. - Nah. 224 00:09:43,800 --> 00:09:46,870 One of those and I'd never sleep again. 225 00:09:46,920 --> 00:09:50,390 Don't take this the wrong way, Michael, 226 00:09:50,440 --> 00:09:52,440 but that was really funny, for you. 227 00:09:55,280 --> 00:09:56,520 Thanks. 228 00:09:59,400 --> 00:10:02,310 So, I've been looking at Jason's internet history... 229 00:10:04,640 --> 00:10:06,750 Well, I know I shouldn't, but I do. 230 00:10:06,800 --> 00:10:08,160 OK. 231 00:10:09,680 --> 00:10:12,990 And he's been googling all about Australia. 232 00:10:15,200 --> 00:10:18,590 I'm so sorry. Did stuff come out? 233 00:10:18,640 --> 00:10:19,750 No, no. 234 00:10:19,800 --> 00:10:21,990 I'm so, so sorry. It felt like stuff came out. 235 00:10:22,040 --> 00:10:23,830 No, no, no, I think you caught most of it. 236 00:10:23,880 --> 00:10:26,430 Oh, I'm so, so sorry, Cathy. 237 00:10:26,480 --> 00:10:28,960 What is wrong with me? 238 00:10:36,400 --> 00:10:38,630 Have you not got a big date 239 00:10:38,680 --> 00:10:40,070 tonight, then? 240 00:10:40,120 --> 00:10:42,470 No! No. I've not got the energy for all that. 241 00:10:42,520 --> 00:10:45,750 Yeah, I'd be the same if I had to go out with old women. 242 00:10:45,800 --> 00:10:47,470 I don't know how you do it, mate. 243 00:10:47,520 --> 00:10:50,310 Yeah, well, I tend to find that the younger they get, 244 00:10:50,360 --> 00:10:52,360 the less interesting they become. 245 00:10:54,600 --> 00:10:56,510 "The younger they get, 246 00:10:56,560 --> 00:10:58,680 "the less interesting they become." 247 00:11:00,880 --> 00:11:03,110 That was very good. Very good. 248 00:11:03,160 --> 00:11:06,510 I see your mum got a card. 249 00:11:06,560 --> 00:11:08,430 I got the glitter on my hand. 250 00:11:08,480 --> 00:11:10,240 Do you know who it's from? 251 00:11:11,720 --> 00:11:14,310 "I see your mum got a card. 252 00:11:14,360 --> 00:11:16,240 "Do you know who it's from?" 253 00:11:20,440 --> 00:11:24,310 I hate hot countries. I sweat everywhere. 254 00:11:24,360 --> 00:11:26,710 Even my nose sweats. 255 00:11:26,760 --> 00:11:28,760 I get all sore round my wobbly bits. 256 00:11:30,160 --> 00:11:33,910 He's just daydreaming, love. He'll never move to Australia. 257 00:11:33,960 --> 00:11:35,310 Don't worry. 258 00:11:35,360 --> 00:11:36,870 He just wants to travel there. 259 00:11:36,920 --> 00:11:39,590 I do worry, though. I'm a worrier. 260 00:11:39,640 --> 00:11:41,630 My mum says I get it off my nan's nan. 261 00:11:41,680 --> 00:11:44,110 Apparently she spent, like, the 1800s or whatever, like, 262 00:11:44,160 --> 00:11:46,800 worrying about old stuff. 263 00:11:49,880 --> 00:11:54,110 I'm not going to Australia. I'm not. I'd miss home. 264 00:11:54,160 --> 00:11:55,630 I'd miss my bed. 265 00:11:55,680 --> 00:11:58,150 I'd miss my mum. 266 00:11:58,200 --> 00:12:00,000 I'd miss you. 267 00:12:02,800 --> 00:12:06,430 - Oh, yeah. Absolutely. I'd miss you too. - Isn't it? 268 00:12:06,480 --> 00:12:08,080 Chop suey? That'd be nice. 269 00:12:09,120 --> 00:12:10,870 Whatever. 270 00:12:10,920 --> 00:12:14,270 Do you want to share one or do you want one to yourself? 271 00:12:14,320 --> 00:12:16,430 This time last year, I was in Sicily, Derek. 272 00:12:16,480 --> 00:12:17,590 She's a widow. 273 00:12:17,640 --> 00:12:19,350 Oh, don't I know it? 274 00:12:19,400 --> 00:12:21,670 Rice or noodles? 275 00:12:21,720 --> 00:12:23,830 Geoff took me there in a helicopter. 276 00:12:23,880 --> 00:12:25,670 Yeah, well, I'm scared of helicopters. 277 00:12:25,720 --> 00:12:28,110 Oh, OK, and that's the only reason you didn't bring me here 278 00:12:28,160 --> 00:12:30,950 - in a helicopter, is it? - Yes. - Really, Derek? - Yes. 279 00:12:31,000 --> 00:12:32,030 (Bollocks.) 280 00:12:32,080 --> 00:12:33,680 - Pardon? - Nothing. 281 00:12:34,920 --> 00:12:36,590 (Absolute fucking bollocks.) 282 00:12:36,640 --> 00:12:38,960 - Pardon? - Nothing. I didn't say anything. 283 00:12:44,480 --> 00:12:46,110 Where are you going? 284 00:12:46,160 --> 00:12:47,200 Ah. 285 00:12:48,920 --> 00:12:50,950 - Hello. - I thought we'd lost you. 286 00:12:51,000 --> 00:12:52,550 No, no. I was just, erm, 287 00:12:52,600 --> 00:12:54,830 upstairs wishing Jason a happy Valentine's Day. 288 00:12:54,880 --> 00:12:56,550 Bit weird. 289 00:12:56,600 --> 00:12:58,950 Yeah, it was, actually. 290 00:12:59,000 --> 00:13:01,510 So, are you off on another lovely internet date tonight? 291 00:13:01,560 --> 00:13:05,070 No, no, no. No, no. I can think of far more interesting ways 292 00:13:05,120 --> 00:13:07,270 of having an absolutely terrible evening. 293 00:13:07,320 --> 00:13:08,990 Like what? 294 00:13:09,040 --> 00:13:11,710 Oh, sticking my fingers in a shredder, 295 00:13:11,760 --> 00:13:14,430 erm, sitting on a nail... 296 00:13:14,480 --> 00:13:16,950 - Erm... - Talking to Kelly about her epilator. 297 00:13:17,000 --> 00:13:18,480 I know what you mean. 298 00:13:20,280 --> 00:13:23,150 So, anyway, look, I just wanted to pop in and say hello 299 00:13:23,200 --> 00:13:27,390 and, erm, yeah, I just wanted to make sure you weren't alone. 300 00:13:27,440 --> 00:13:30,710 I didn't realise there'd be so many people. 301 00:13:30,760 --> 00:13:33,550 Erm, I just, erm... 302 00:13:33,600 --> 00:13:35,120 Yeah, I just... 303 00:13:37,000 --> 00:13:39,110 I saw you got a Valentine's card... 304 00:13:39,160 --> 00:13:43,030 - We've chosen ours, Cath. - Oh! Great! Great. Come in and have a drink. 305 00:13:43,080 --> 00:13:45,560 That's so nice of you to think of me. Come on. 306 00:13:48,840 --> 00:13:52,030 So, I'm going to have my usual -- erm, chicken, chicken chow mein, 307 00:13:52,080 --> 00:13:55,550 chicken chop suey, spring rolls, special fried rice, spare ribs, 308 00:13:55,600 --> 00:13:58,390 duck pancakes and one of those soups with the, erm... 309 00:13:58,440 --> 00:14:00,240 with the things in it. Erm... 310 00:14:02,680 --> 00:14:06,950 Well, we can all share that if you think it's... 311 00:14:07,000 --> 00:14:10,310 if you think it's too much for one person. 312 00:14:10,360 --> 00:14:12,390 - You two are going out, aren't you? - Yeah. 313 00:14:12,440 --> 00:14:15,230 Don't worry about me, Cathy. I'm easy. I'll eat anything. 314 00:14:15,280 --> 00:14:17,030 OK. Derek! Where's Derek gone? 315 00:14:17,080 --> 00:14:19,310 Yeah, as long as it doesn't have meat in it, or gluten, 316 00:14:19,360 --> 00:14:21,630 or lemonade or grapes, I'll eat anything. 317 00:14:21,680 --> 00:14:22,750 I know. You said. 318 00:14:22,800 --> 00:14:24,360 - Derek! - OK! 319 00:14:25,520 --> 00:14:26,630 Come in the living room. 320 00:14:26,680 --> 00:14:28,950 Jacob's Creek? 321 00:14:29,000 --> 00:14:30,830 Come in the living room, please. 322 00:14:30,880 --> 00:14:32,510 Jacob's Creek on Valentine's Day? 323 00:14:32,560 --> 00:14:34,870 Have you completely lost your mind? 324 00:14:34,920 --> 00:14:37,670 Also, just to say, Cathy, if I eat garlic, my breath stinks. 325 00:14:37,720 --> 00:14:38,710 (Michael.) 326 00:14:38,760 --> 00:14:39,750 Hello, Catherine. 327 00:14:39,800 --> 00:14:42,390 - Oh, hello. We're just sorting out the food order. - Fabulous... 328 00:14:42,440 --> 00:14:45,110 Women, eh? 329 00:14:45,160 --> 00:14:46,710 Yeah. 330 00:14:46,760 --> 00:14:48,870 Are you off on a date, tonight, or anything? 331 00:14:48,920 --> 00:14:50,590 No, no, 332 00:14:50,640 --> 00:14:53,720 I can think of far more interesting ways to have a terrible evening. 333 00:14:55,280 --> 00:14:57,480 Are these sweet or salty? 334 00:15:00,880 --> 00:15:02,800 I think they're a mixture of both. 335 00:15:04,640 --> 00:15:06,790 It works. 336 00:15:06,840 --> 00:15:08,080 Mmm. 337 00:15:17,560 --> 00:15:19,670 You're looking very nice, Pauline. 338 00:15:19,720 --> 00:15:20,870 Your hair's lovely. 339 00:15:20,920 --> 00:15:22,240 Yes. 340 00:15:25,040 --> 00:15:27,990 Don't you put salt in your dishwasher? 341 00:15:28,040 --> 00:15:30,280 Erm, yes, I do. 342 00:15:31,320 --> 00:15:32,550 OK. 343 00:15:32,600 --> 00:15:34,070 You see, it's difficult for me 344 00:15:34,120 --> 00:15:37,150 because where Pauline's so good-looking... Isn't she? 345 00:15:37,200 --> 00:15:38,990 Yeah, yeah, yeah. 346 00:15:39,040 --> 00:15:41,230 She looks good now, but you should see her naked. 347 00:15:41,280 --> 00:15:42,630 She's got the lot, you know -- 348 00:15:42,680 --> 00:15:44,190 breasts, vagina... 349 00:15:44,240 --> 00:15:45,790 the lot. 350 00:15:45,840 --> 00:15:47,550 - You're a lucky man. - Yeah. 351 00:15:47,600 --> 00:15:50,190 So she's used to men taking her out for dinner 352 00:15:50,240 --> 00:15:52,670 and opening doors for her, putting the loo seat down... 353 00:15:52,720 --> 00:15:55,270 Not like, you know, oh... 354 00:15:55,320 --> 00:15:58,390 Her husband got her flowers and took her Sicily but... 355 00:15:58,440 --> 00:16:01,320 but he was also banging her chiropodist, so... 356 00:16:03,560 --> 00:16:05,230 I should've booked a restaurant. 357 00:16:05,280 --> 00:16:06,920 It didn't even occur to me. 358 00:16:08,560 --> 00:16:09,760 I booked one. 359 00:16:11,520 --> 00:16:13,190 You booked a restaurant? 360 00:16:13,240 --> 00:16:16,070 Yeah, you know, just... 361 00:16:16,120 --> 00:16:19,950 in case anything came up, which, obviously, it hasn't. 362 00:16:20,000 --> 00:16:22,750 You know, erm... 363 00:16:22,800 --> 00:16:24,880 So, it's yours, if you want it. 364 00:16:26,520 --> 00:16:29,550 Well, thanks, mate. Thanks. Yeah. 365 00:16:29,600 --> 00:16:30,990 All right, how much is it? 366 00:16:31,040 --> 00:16:32,270 Set menu. 50 quid. 367 00:16:32,320 --> 00:16:33,950 50 quid? 368 00:16:34,000 --> 00:16:35,950 Well, blimey. 369 00:16:36,000 --> 00:16:39,630 That's a bit expensive, isn't it? For two people? 370 00:16:39,680 --> 00:16:41,790 Each. 371 00:16:41,840 --> 00:16:42,880 Each?! 372 00:16:44,600 --> 00:16:46,910 How do you find cooking for one? 373 00:16:46,960 --> 00:16:49,310 Oh, well, Jason's here, isn't he? 374 00:16:49,360 --> 00:16:52,920 And Kelly's around more and more, so... 375 00:16:54,360 --> 00:16:55,950 I'm not much of a cook, anyway. 376 00:16:56,000 --> 00:16:57,470 Yes, Derek mentioned that. 377 00:17:00,960 --> 00:17:05,670 But it can get quite lonely, 378 00:17:05,720 --> 00:17:07,030 being in on your own... 379 00:17:07,080 --> 00:17:08,510 Lonely? No! 380 00:17:08,560 --> 00:17:11,150 No. Never. I never get lonely when Derek's at work. 381 00:17:11,200 --> 00:17:14,150 No, I'm very comfortable with my own company. 382 00:17:14,200 --> 00:17:16,030 No. The best thing that ever happened to me 383 00:17:16,080 --> 00:17:19,510 was getting cheated on by my husband and losing all my friends! 384 00:17:19,560 --> 00:17:22,510 If anything, they were holding me back. 385 00:17:22,560 --> 00:17:25,270 No. Lonely? Oh, not me. 386 00:17:25,320 --> 00:17:28,430 - I relish having all that time to myself during the day. - Hmm. 387 00:17:28,480 --> 00:17:32,670 I actually spend a lot of my time now writing book reviews for Amazon. 388 00:17:32,720 --> 00:17:33,870 Yeah... 389 00:17:33,920 --> 00:17:35,230 I'm doing a puzzle. 390 00:17:35,280 --> 00:17:37,830 Derek bought me a puzzle mat so I can take it to cafes, 391 00:17:37,880 --> 00:17:39,910 do it in the library... 392 00:17:39,960 --> 00:17:42,390 And there's so many channels nowadays, 393 00:17:42,440 --> 00:17:45,110 I often find myself flicking between three programmes at once, 394 00:17:45,160 --> 00:17:47,070 so, no, Cathy. 395 00:17:47,120 --> 00:17:48,400 I'm not lonely, no. 396 00:17:49,840 --> 00:17:51,640 I didn't say you were, love. 397 00:17:53,200 --> 00:17:54,440 No. 398 00:17:58,640 --> 00:18:01,310 All right, then, darling. We're going out for dinner. 399 00:18:01,360 --> 00:18:02,950 Where? 400 00:18:03,000 --> 00:18:05,590 It was Edmunds with a U. 401 00:18:05,640 --> 00:18:07,750 The famous one's got an O. 402 00:18:07,800 --> 00:18:09,870 Yeah, but his parents still called him Noel. 403 00:18:09,920 --> 00:18:11,800 Oh, no, I'm not defending it. 404 00:18:14,360 --> 00:18:17,350 Was your Noel Edmunds anything like the famous one? 405 00:18:17,400 --> 00:18:19,070 Oh, yeah, he was, yeah. 406 00:18:19,120 --> 00:18:21,040 He was a horrible little bastard. 407 00:18:22,360 --> 00:18:24,870 Are you sure you won't stay for a drink? 408 00:18:24,920 --> 00:18:27,470 I should go and see my mum, give her a bath. 409 00:18:27,520 --> 00:18:29,070 Oh, how is that? 410 00:18:29,120 --> 00:18:31,440 Yeah, you get used to it. 411 00:18:33,520 --> 00:18:34,910 She gave me a Valentine's card. 412 00:18:34,960 --> 00:18:36,230 Oh, that's nice. 413 00:18:36,280 --> 00:18:38,590 Yeah. I think one of the nurses must have made it. 414 00:18:38,640 --> 00:18:41,630 But, erm, how many cards did you get? 415 00:18:41,680 --> 00:18:43,590 Oh, tonnes, you know(!) 416 00:18:43,640 --> 00:18:44,830 Did you? 417 00:18:44,880 --> 00:18:46,870 No, of course not. 418 00:18:46,920 --> 00:18:47,950 Oh. 419 00:18:48,000 --> 00:18:49,550 No, actually, I did. 420 00:18:49,600 --> 00:18:51,350 I did get one card. 421 00:18:51,400 --> 00:18:53,710 OK. Do you know who it's from? 422 00:18:53,760 --> 00:18:56,200 Yes, I do, as a matter of fact. Ha. 423 00:18:58,080 --> 00:19:02,600 I got a lovely, very pretty, handmade card... 424 00:19:04,040 --> 00:19:06,110 .. from Kelly. 425 00:19:06,160 --> 00:19:09,510 Nice, nice. 426 00:19:09,560 --> 00:19:12,990 And she stuck a... a flower on the back, which was a nice touch, 427 00:19:13,040 --> 00:19:16,790 but then I realised that she'd got it from my garden. 428 00:19:16,840 --> 00:19:19,750 And Derek got me a balloon, which was a bit weird, 429 00:19:19,800 --> 00:19:22,990 - but he does his best. - Mmm-hmm. 430 00:19:23,040 --> 00:19:26,390 Oh, Kelly's started doing her hair in the kitchen. 431 00:19:26,440 --> 00:19:28,630 Oh, dear. That must be annoying. 432 00:19:28,680 --> 00:19:30,360 Just a bit. 433 00:19:31,880 --> 00:19:34,510 So, do you know what you're doing for your birthday yet? 434 00:19:34,560 --> 00:19:36,160 Cathy, we're going. 435 00:19:37,440 --> 00:19:39,990 I'll leave you to it. 436 00:19:40,040 --> 00:19:42,110 What champagnes do they have? 437 00:19:42,160 --> 00:19:44,070 Ah, we don't want to drink, do we? 438 00:19:44,120 --> 00:19:47,190 I plan to get absolutely fucking slaughtered. 439 00:19:47,240 --> 00:19:49,670 Well, have a lovely evening, Pauline. You look gorgeous. 440 00:19:49,720 --> 00:19:51,790 Yes, and so do you. 441 00:19:51,840 --> 00:19:53,310 You look very, erm... 442 00:19:53,360 --> 00:19:54,470 warm. 443 00:19:54,520 --> 00:19:56,390 Thanks. 444 00:19:56,440 --> 00:19:57,830 - Bye, then. - Bye. 445 00:19:57,880 --> 00:20:00,190 Michael had booked a table and he's not using it, so... 446 00:20:00,240 --> 00:20:03,320 Don't worry. It's important that she has a nice night. 447 00:20:05,280 --> 00:20:07,510 Be sure to tell me what happens in the film, Cathy! 448 00:20:07,560 --> 00:20:10,190 - Yeah, or we could come back and watch it another time. - Derek. 449 00:20:10,240 --> 00:20:11,680 Bye. 450 00:20:16,280 --> 00:20:20,080 I'm going to text Geoff and tell him what we're doing. 451 00:20:30,480 --> 00:20:32,950 - Are they gone? - Yeah. Thanks for doing that. 452 00:20:33,000 --> 00:20:34,880 That's all right. I like to help. 453 00:20:37,120 --> 00:20:38,910 So, what are you having? 454 00:20:38,960 --> 00:20:43,070 Oh, nothing. I'll see what's in the fridge. 455 00:20:43,120 --> 00:20:46,350 So, erm, Kelly's... 456 00:20:46,400 --> 00:20:50,990 Kelly's got this idea in her head about you and Australia. 457 00:20:51,040 --> 00:20:53,550 Yeah? What she say? 458 00:20:53,600 --> 00:20:56,350 Well, she reckons you're going to move there. 459 00:20:56,400 --> 00:20:58,830 Yeah, and what did you say? 460 00:20:58,880 --> 00:21:00,790 Well, I said you just wanted to travel there 461 00:21:00,840 --> 00:21:03,510 but, yeah, she was just being Kelly. 462 00:21:03,560 --> 00:21:05,470 Thanks. Yeah. 463 00:21:05,520 --> 00:21:07,920 Yeah, that'll throw her off the scent. 464 00:21:15,920 --> 00:21:19,670 So, what, you ARE going to move there? 465 00:21:19,720 --> 00:21:23,350 Yeah. Or I'll start applying, yeah. I told you that. 466 00:21:23,400 --> 00:21:24,550 No, you didn't. 467 00:21:24,600 --> 00:21:26,830 - Yes, I did. - You didn't. - I was sure I did. 468 00:21:26,880 --> 00:21:30,350 No, I think I'd remember, but it doesn't matter. 469 00:21:30,400 --> 00:21:32,670 - You know I've always liked Australia. - Yeah, yeah. 470 00:21:32,720 --> 00:21:34,750 You know, it'll be good for me to have a new start. 471 00:21:34,800 --> 00:21:37,070 I'll take Kelly, obviously, she's up for anything. 472 00:21:37,120 --> 00:21:39,310 And you and me can just Skype each other. 473 00:21:39,360 --> 00:21:42,270 - I've thought it all through. It'll be like I never left. - Hmm. 474 00:21:42,320 --> 00:21:45,190 Jason! I'm ready! 475 00:21:45,240 --> 00:21:46,440 Coming! 476 00:21:48,440 --> 00:21:51,030 So, Cathy, there's this app... 477 00:21:51,080 --> 00:21:52,550 Do you know what an app is? 478 00:21:52,600 --> 00:21:54,630 - Of course she knows what an app is. - Yeah. 479 00:21:54,680 --> 00:21:56,590 It's short for apple. 480 00:21:56,640 --> 00:21:58,150 - What? - Nothing. 481 00:21:58,200 --> 00:22:00,470 What else is it going to be short for? 482 00:22:00,520 --> 00:22:03,390 Anyway, you can get it on your phone and it finds all the people in 483 00:22:03,440 --> 00:22:05,510 - the area that want to have sex with you. - Oh, Kelly! 484 00:22:05,560 --> 00:22:07,710 What? It's Valentine's Day. She might be horny. 485 00:22:07,760 --> 00:22:09,030 Oh, my God! 486 00:22:09,080 --> 00:22:11,030 My mum does not feel horny. 487 00:22:11,080 --> 00:22:12,830 Do you? 488 00:22:12,880 --> 00:22:15,030 Oh, Mum! 489 00:22:15,080 --> 00:22:17,710 All you need do is, is put some pictures of your tits up, 490 00:22:17,760 --> 00:22:20,390 - that sort of thing -- some fanny photos. - Sorry? 491 00:22:20,440 --> 00:22:21,990 - Fanny photos. - Lovely(!) 492 00:22:22,040 --> 00:22:24,310 - Kelly! - What? I'm not being crude! 493 00:22:24,360 --> 00:22:26,550 It's what you've gotta do nowadays if you're a girl. 494 00:22:26,600 --> 00:22:27,990 I think she'd do really well on it. 495 00:22:28,040 --> 00:22:29,750 She was really pretty when she was young. 496 00:22:29,800 --> 00:22:31,190 Come on. Bye. 497 00:22:31,240 --> 00:22:33,680 - Bye. Take an umbrella. - Yeah. 498 00:22:37,880 --> 00:22:39,030 (Did you talk to him?) 499 00:22:39,080 --> 00:22:40,430 (No, I didn't get a chance.) 500 00:22:40,480 --> 00:22:43,110 Oh, Cathy, you're useless! 501 00:22:43,160 --> 00:22:45,950 I don't mean it. Happy Valentine's Day. 502 00:22:46,000 --> 00:22:46,990 Thanks. 503 00:22:47,040 --> 00:22:48,160 Love you! 504 00:22:52,720 --> 00:22:54,870 Oh, it's pouring down. 505 00:22:54,920 --> 00:22:56,270 'Three points. 506 00:22:56,320 --> 00:22:58,710 'I think it will take all the pressure off the away games, 507 00:22:58,760 --> 00:23:01,230 'and I think there's a confidence that that will give us. 508 00:23:01,280 --> 00:23:03,750 'If they're given a chance to...' 509 00:23:42,440 --> 00:23:43,840 Oh... 510 00:23:52,520 --> 00:23:54,350 Oh, God, it's horrible out there, isn't it? 511 00:23:54,400 --> 00:23:56,000 Erm, yeah. Sorry. 512 00:23:57,520 --> 00:23:59,310 Sorry, I won't, I won't... I won't keep you. 513 00:23:59,360 --> 00:24:02,510 Erm, I just wanted to make sure you've got my mobile number. 514 00:24:02,560 --> 00:24:04,190 Erm... 515 00:24:04,240 --> 00:24:07,550 Yeah, I'm sure I've got it somewhere. 516 00:24:07,600 --> 00:24:09,390 Erm... 517 00:24:09,440 --> 00:24:11,750 It's O, double seven, O, 518 00:24:11,800 --> 00:24:13,870 - nine, double O, four, seven... - Yeah, no, no. 519 00:24:13,920 --> 00:24:17,400 I-I-I-I think you might have to be just a tiny bit slower. 520 00:24:26,600 --> 00:24:27,630 Right. 521 00:24:27,680 --> 00:24:30,310 It's O, double seven, 522 00:24:30,360 --> 00:24:32,910 double O, 523 00:24:32,960 --> 00:24:34,710 nine, 524 00:24:34,760 --> 00:24:38,350 double O, 525 00:24:38,400 --> 00:24:40,590 four, seven, eight. 526 00:24:40,640 --> 00:24:43,000 Four, seven, eight. 527 00:24:44,040 --> 00:24:46,870 Right, if you ring that, 528 00:24:46,920 --> 00:24:50,230 then I'll have your new mobile number on... 529 00:24:50,280 --> 00:24:51,760 on this. 530 00:24:54,960 --> 00:24:57,040 ♪ Work it, make it, do it... ♪ 531 00:24:59,360 --> 00:25:01,150 OK... Right, I'll go. 532 00:25:01,200 --> 00:25:03,190 Erm... 533 00:25:03,240 --> 00:25:05,630 I just wanted to make sure you had my mobile number, 534 00:25:05,680 --> 00:25:07,750 - just, you know, in case anything comes up. - Yeah. 535 00:25:07,800 --> 00:25:09,990 You know, I'm usually in, or I'm at work, 536 00:25:10,040 --> 00:25:11,790 or I'm at my mum's, and... 537 00:25:11,840 --> 00:25:13,710 and, even if I'm not, it's a mobile. 538 00:25:13,760 --> 00:25:15,790 It's... It doesn't matter where you are. 539 00:25:15,840 --> 00:25:18,910 - You know, that's kind of the whole point of it being a mobile. - Yeah. 540 00:25:18,960 --> 00:25:20,350 But, you know, I'll leave it on, 541 00:25:20,400 --> 00:25:22,430 just, you know, just in case you need anything. 542 00:25:22,480 --> 00:25:24,430 Yeah. 543 00:25:24,480 --> 00:25:27,510 Right, erm, yeah. 544 00:25:27,560 --> 00:25:31,390 Yeah. Actually, I've got a spare bit of guttering, if you want. 545 00:25:31,440 --> 00:25:32,510 Guttering? 546 00:25:32,560 --> 00:25:33,750 Yeah. I'm doing my mum's. 547 00:25:33,800 --> 00:25:36,670 No, I, I think I'm... I think I'm all right for guttering, actually. 548 00:25:36,720 --> 00:25:40,270 Oh. No, I was just trying to get rid of it. 549 00:25:40,320 --> 00:25:42,630 OK, I'll... Yeah, I'd better get going. 550 00:25:42,680 --> 00:25:44,080 Do you fancy a Chinese? 551 00:25:46,720 --> 00:25:48,790 - Erm... - Unless there've somewhere you need to be. 552 00:25:48,840 --> 00:25:50,600 No. No, no. No. 553 00:25:52,240 --> 00:25:54,510 No, I heard you had a table booked tonight. 554 00:25:54,560 --> 00:25:55,950 Yeah. 555 00:25:56,000 --> 00:25:57,880 You don't want to follow that up? 556 00:25:59,040 --> 00:26:01,070 No. No. Wishful thinking. 557 00:26:01,120 --> 00:26:03,590 Hmm. Hmm. 558 00:26:03,640 --> 00:26:06,150 Yeah, well, I'm not going to order a Chinese on my own, am I? 559 00:26:06,200 --> 00:26:07,630 I mean, that would be really sad! 560 00:26:07,680 --> 00:26:09,310 Yeah, God, who would do that? 561 00:26:09,360 --> 00:26:11,110 Yeah. Have you ever...? 562 00:26:11,160 --> 00:26:13,360 - All the time. - Mmm-hmm, me too. 563 00:26:14,840 --> 00:26:18,110 I'll get the menu and you can have a look, 564 00:26:18,160 --> 00:26:22,230 No. I'll get the pork chow mein, chicken chop suey, spareribs, 565 00:26:22,280 --> 00:26:26,040 duck pancakes, spring rolls, and the soup with the dumplings in it. 566 00:26:28,440 --> 00:26:30,590 Is that a bit much for one person? 567 00:26:30,640 --> 00:26:34,590 Ah, yeah, I'll... I'll have a look at the menu. Thanks, thanks. 568 00:26:34,640 --> 00:26:36,230 Beer? 569 00:26:36,280 --> 00:26:37,520 Yeah. Thanks. 570 00:26:55,880 --> 00:26:57,190 There you go. 571 00:26:57,240 --> 00:26:58,560 Thanks. 572 00:27:01,240 --> 00:27:05,030 ♪ I got my ticket for the long way round 573 00:27:05,080 --> 00:27:08,070 ♪ Two bottles of whisky for the way 574 00:27:08,120 --> 00:27:11,830 ♪ And I sure would like some sweet company 575 00:27:11,880 --> 00:27:15,470 ♪ And I'm leaving tomorrow What do you say? 576 00:27:15,520 --> 00:27:17,350 ♪ When I'm gone 577 00:27:17,400 --> 00:27:19,670 ♪ When I'm gone 578 00:27:19,720 --> 00:27:22,310 ♪ You're gonna miss me when I'm gone 579 00:27:22,360 --> 00:27:24,670 ♪ You're gonna miss me by my hair 580 00:27:24,720 --> 00:27:26,550 ♪ You're gonna miss me everywhere 581 00:27:26,600 --> 00:27:29,480 ♪ Oh, you're gonna miss me when I'm gone. ♪ 42025

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