Original subtitles

Subtitles by explosiveskull

Zimmerman was an ordinary guy,

not much different from you or me.

But one day, he woke up alone and confused.

Mr. Zimmerman.

Welcome back.

You'd probably won't remember this,

but you were on a pretty massive pile-up

out there on the turnpike.

You're lucky.

Everything is going to be just fine.

Well, mostly everything.

Your penis was chopped off in the wreck.

- My... - Yes.

Mr. Zimmerman, your penis.

But the news wasn't all bad.

The doctor explains that Zimmerman could use

his 90,000 dollars insurance settlement

to build a brand new penis. But it doesn't come cheap,

approximately 10,000 bucks an inch.

Talk to your wife before you make any decisions.

After all, getting all nine inches

may be a big adjustment for her.

And, getting less...

well...

you understand my concern.

Zimmerman sees his wife that night

and they have a heart to heart.

Good morning Mr. Zimmerman.

Have you spoken with your wife?

- I have. - Excellent.

And did she help you with the decision?

Yes, doctor she has.

And what have you decided to do?

We're getting brand new marble counter tops.

"Brand new marble counter tops."

They're beautiful, like dancers.

They were buried alive for almost 2,000 years, mother.

No air, no moisture.

Hermetically sealed in ash.

- Lucky. - Lucky?

Nothing changed, nothing rotted away or grew.

That's why we have it today.

Wish I could go back 20 years and seal myself in ash.

They were burnt alive.

These people were all...

were all...

Um...

Well...

All the lives...

all living, breathing...

and laughing.

Making love and dreaming

when the cinder came raining from the sky.

Or something like that I... I'm still working on...

still working on... on this...

this speech.

Great job, everybody.

In my defense, the play was finished

when I sent it to you, but then I had some ideas,

inspirations, and I...

I started re-writing, I...

- I thought maybe... - Who gives a fuck?

Nathan Lane

on line one.

I'll call him back.

This is the third time we've tried to start rehearsals,

and we still don't have an ending.

- Yeah, but, C.C.... - No "But, C.C."

We're closed.

Call me when it's really done.

On second thought, don't call me.

I think it's better if we don't work together anymore.

Come here baby, come here baby.

Come back to mummy.

You're all right?

What's going on?

I need to make a change, Nate.

I feel like I'm a bug caught in amber.

You're the amber.

What are you talking about?

Things are happening. The play is happening.

Is that true?

Tell me it's true, tell me, you staged

the entire play today, from start to finish

and I will unpack every last thing.

The entire play?

- That's what I thought. - Oh, wait.

Quality work takes time.

I know, Nate. It just... It can't be my time anymore.

You stopped taking care of yourself.

I think you have a rotten molar.

Your breath smells.

When was the last time you went to the dentist?

Never mind. You're getting fat.

- Here, I found this stuff. - I'm not getting that fat.

My client, Henri asked me

to spend time with him in Cap d'Antibes.

Henri the billionaire?

You make it sound like it's a bad thing.

Are you leaving me for him?

Oh.

I feel queasy.

Daddy, all these sea lions basking in the sun?

Daddy, bark like a sea lion.

I really think you should reconsider this.

- Gabe needs his mom. - I'm taking Gabe.

You... you're taking him?

No. You can't just... you... you just can't decide,

you know how...

you're gonna take off to France with our son.

Okay, Nate, what've you planned for Gabe this summer?

Have you signed him up for a camp? Swimming lessons?

- Anything? - That's not fair.

- I didn't know that I was... - His dad?

- I'm gonna miss you so much. - You should come.

- Want me to talk to mummy? - Could you?

Yeah.

That probably won't work.

- I love you. - I love you, too.

When we return, we'll come stay at Henri's house up-town,

and we can work everything out then.

Here is rent checks for the next two months

that are there, I'd give you a chance to figure yourself out.

You think you're gonna take our son and run off

with some French billionaire and just wash away your guilt

with a little rent money.

You cannot bribe me to ease your conscience, Nirit.

If that's how you want it, I'll have the packers

and movers here on Friday, the lease is up next week.

Oh, the lease is over next week?

Gabe is gonna see things, Nate.

Don't let yourself become irrelevant.

Daddy.

- Yes, Gabe? - You're not supposed to litter.

- What's up, Nate? - Hey, Randy.

- How's it going? - Well, it's, uh...

- it's a little hectic here. - Oh, yeah? Why is that?

Uh, we have triplets. Did you forget?

No, of course I didn't forget, I just thought, you know,

after eight months.

Well, it doesn't get any easier.

Nirit left me and she took Gabe...

for a billionaire, a French one.

Oh, man.

- Was it unexpected? - Uh,

no, we planned it a year in advance.

I'm... I'm sorry, um...

What can I do?

Do you think I could crash there for a while?

You want to crash here?

Yeah, in your guest room, just until I finish my play.

Look, why don't you call dad? He's got that spare room.

You know what, man, forget I said anything.

I got a bunch of people who I can call.

I'll tell you one thing now...

I'm not staying with dad.

Who are you here to see?

Uh, Bob Kroll, I'm his son.

No, no, Bob Kroll, he's lived here for five years,

and I've seen his son and his son is long and tall,

and fine looking.

I'm his other son.

Hi Dad.

So...

what do you think of the place?

It's, uh...

you know, it's very...

- beige. - I can't believe

you've never been here before.

- Gabe would love the pool. - Yeah, thank you

for your sensitivity of my current situation, dad.

Would you like a diet cream soda or something?

No, that's okay.

Well, let's get your room made up.

I'll take your stuff upstairs.

- I'll get that, dad, it's heavy. - No, no, no, I can get it.

- I'll get it, dad. - Oh! Yeah it is.

The old fake heart attack.

Other people think I'm funny.

- Did she tell you her beef? - "Her beef"?

What do you mean, "Her beef?"

You know why she was unhappy?

She left me for a billionaire,

that could be our first clue.

You think it was about money?

I don't really know what it was about.

Okay. So what's your plan?

Plan?

Yeah, I thought maybe you'd have a plan.

Yeah, I've got a plan, I'm gonna call Paul and Ringo,

see if we can get a band back together.

This bed needs some WD-40.

We'll put it on the list.

Now, the towels are in there, and if you need anything else,

- just let me know. - Okay.

- This will cheer you up. - I'm not really in a joke mood.

Zimmerman goes to see the doctor.

I'm not in a joke mood.

Zimmerman goes to see his doctor.

- I'm not gonna laugh. - The doctor says,

"I don't know how to tell you this,

but you gotta stop masturbating."

And Zimmerman says, "Why?"

The doctor says, "So I can examine you."

Life's gonna happen, son, whether you smile or not.

Yeah.

Well, I got dinner plans tonight, out with Connie.

You're welcome to come if you want.

We're going to the Turkish place,

it's a strip mall.

I got a little diarrhea there one time,

but usually it's not too bad.

I think I'll pass.

- Whose Connie? - You know, Connie,

Connie. Check the fridge,

I... I think we have some... some leftovers.

- Where are you anyway? - I'm at dad's place in Jersey,

I didn't have many options.

- How's your dad? - He's the same.

Next time, could we do this at a more reasonable hour?

We have stuff going on all day, swimming lessons,

sailing, tennis, it's just hard to schedule something

in the middle of all that.

Fine. Can I see him please?

Of course.

Hey...

- Gabe. - Hi, daddy.

- Bonjour, papa. - I miss you so much.

- How are you? - Bon.

- That means, " good." - Are you having fun?

It's okay if you're not.

- You can tell daddy. - Lots of fun.

There's toys, and a pool,

and there's these people that would get you

whatever you want whenever you want.

Servants, they're called, "servants."

- Don't we like that? - Au revoir, papa.

Are... Bye.

Nirit listen, come home please.

- I need you guys. I can change. - I'm afraid that ship has sunk.

- Oh, oh, I can finish... - Bonjour, Henri.

- Looking for coffee? - Oh, shit!

I'm sorry.

- Connie? - Nate?

Yeah.

Nice to meet you. I've heard a lot about you.

Your dad's out golfing.

- Are you his girlfriend? - Well,

I... I guess you could say that.

- Do you, uh, live here? - Sometimes.

I have my own place, but, I just stay with your dad...

sometimes.

Your father is a pistol.

Sharing is not his strong suite.

Uh, do you know where the coffee is?

Oh, we don't keep any.

Bob's not supposed to have it.

We have cans of diet cream soda.

Isn't regular cream soda disgusting enough?

Yeah, I gotta go to work.

Oh, he wanted you to take a look at that legal pad.

Declined.

Wait, hold... hold on a second.

- Can I help you? - You don't remember me?

From yesterday?

I do not remember you.

Bob Kroll's other son.

How's it going?

You know it's... it's going.

How long have you been working on this one?

Not long. Four years.

What's it about?

Dad, don't pretend you care about my writing.

Am I in this one?

It's specifically about the trip mom took with Grammy.

But I'm just using that as a platform to explore...

So, I'm not in it?

- No. - Good.

Have you had a chance to look at this list?

- Uh, no, not really. - Well, I'll leave it here

for you, I'd like you to try to do one or two things a day.

You could start with the WD-40.

- Okay dad, I'll try. - I'll appreciate it.

While your here I could use your help.

Dad... we used to have this, uh,

reproduction of a figure from Pompeii.

It was a woman laying on her side,

uh, holding up her hands

to shield her child from the ash.

- Do you remember? - Vaguely.

I'd like to use it in the play.

- Do you know where it is? - Have you looked in that closet,

there's a lot of old junk in there.

- Yeah, yeah, I looked. - Okay, well, I'd like you to try

to get one or two things a day done from that list.

I heard you.

Maybe Nate's blocked, did you ask him if he's blocked?

You wanna talk about, "blocked."

If my body were Ireland, my ass would be County Cork.

If my body were Poland, my ass would be Krakow.

He may be blocked, but he needs to do something.

It's not good for him to sit up in that room all day.

He's a writer, what do you expect him to do?

You know Mary Higgins Clark? She writes a novel a year.

- Really? - I can tell

when people are productive.

He's not being productive up there.

Yeah, maybe you should send him to Ellis, Bob.

I mean...

Ellis is always looking for help.

- What about roughage? - What about roughage?

- You're a dentist. - It'll get him unblocked.

He didn't do one thing on the list.

He's been up there working.

You haven't seen him at all?

Well, he came down a couple of times

to get stuff in the fridge,

and then once he was looking around for something.

He needs to eat.

Where are my diet cream sodas?

Oh, give him a break. I can get you more soda.

Nate?

- Nate? - Look,

I'm gonna go to rehearsal.

You can stay here, I made you some nice stir fry.

Have a goodnight. I'll see you later.

- What's up? - Good news.

I found you a job. You start tomorrow morning.

Come on, dad, don't start that shit, I'm busy.

You've been working on that play four years,

that's your business,

but you are not going to sit up in my guest room,

eat my food, and drink my diet cream sodas

while you write that play for another four.

- When am I supposed to write? - You can write in the evening.

Or early in the morning.

Mary Higgins Clark

would get up at 5:00 a.m. to write,

and then take her kids to school.

- Mary Higgins who? - Don't be such a snob.

You should only be so successful as Mary Higgins Clark.

Tomorrow morning, you're going to meet Ellis,

9:00 a.m. at the club house.

You'll like him, he's a lovely fellow.

- You must be Nate. - Yeah.

Do you know where we can get some coffee around here?

Tuck in your shirt, son.

Oh, why?

Because your gonna have some pride in yourself

if you're going to work with me.

This is ridiculous.

Your old man was right.

He said you didn't have the fortitude to hold the job.

Before we begin...

let's do a quick reconnaissance of the HQ.

First up, the berry ballroom,

a multi-purpose room equipped with an upright piano,

and a parquet dance floor.

It's currently configured for guest lecture.

A mess hall.

Serving breakfast, lunch and Wednesday smorgasbord.

Combination bar-cafe with Wi-Fi for Skyping with grandchildren.

So you don't like pizza?

Driving range, with an 18 hole golf course,

an indoor pool.

Bathing caps required.

Locker rooms, featuring a sauna,

a steam room, and massage facilities.

Those really big balls...

and all the other gym equipment.

And of course,

my domain.

A physical plant.

This is where you're going to work.

Here in the bowl?

This isn't the bowl, son. It's the guts.

Fold it in thirds,

and then...

once over.

- Got it? - Am I getting paid for this?

I believe you father has garnished your wages

in lieu of rent.

Fold!

Did I ever tell you about the time

Zimmerman joined the marines?

He was in basic training.

Have you been up to the tower jump yet?

- No, you? - Yeah.

But he was afraid of heights.

So he was scared, terrified.

Nope! Can't.

I can't, No, no, no. I can't.

- What you think you're doing? - I can't do it.

- You can and you will. - I can't, I'm too scared.

I'll come back another day.

How about Tuesday?

You are jumping, you're gonna jump now,

do you understand? Because if you do not jump,

I'm going to come over there, and as uncle Sam as my witness,

I am going to fuck you right up the ass!

So...

did you jump?

A little at first.

- Don't you love him, Alan? - Absolutely.

Nate! Nate! Come here. You just missed a great one.

Dad, can I talk to you?

Wanna join us for lunch? Your brother is here.

I see that. Can I talk to you, dad?

Well, don't you wanna join us?

They've got French dip today.

He's got me folding towels.

I've been folding towels all morning.

You must be getting good at it.

Dad, I'm an award-winning playwright.

I'm open to other ideas.

Do you want me to ask Randy if he needs some help?

You want me to work for my little brother?

I'm just thinking out loud.

What skills do you have?

How do you think folding towels is gonna get me back on my feet

as a playwright?

I think you have a problem with discipline.

That's ridiculous. I'm more disciplined than anyone.

Well, then working for Ellis should be a breeze.

Oh, so that's it?

Nate, what's going on with that upper-left molar?

Nothing.

What's wrong with your upper-left molar?

Nate!

Hey! Hey.

Hey, Nate. Hey, hey, wait up.

Well, not going so well with dad?

What do you think?

All right, um...

Can I offer you just a little advice?

Look, as you know, I've...

had some professional success.

And you know why that is?

Because you laughed at dad's jokes

and he gave you his business.

Dad didn't give me his business, Nate, I had a vision, okay?

I saw "Homes by Bob..."

becoming "Homes by Randy".

You see? I made my vision a reality.

- You get what I'm saying? - Yes.

You want a gold star for realizing

mediocre ambitions?

Bravo, well done. Mission accomplished.

Why do just... just belittle me?

Okay? I'm trying to give you a visualization strategy here.

I'm successful, Nate, I'm worth listening to.

Is that Gilbert and Sullivan?

Hey, Nate.

- Hey. - Welcome. Welcome.

To the Cranberry Bog Players.

We're getting ready for our next show.

Oh, this is Dee, and Helen, and Gert,

and that's Dee's daughter Allison at the piano.

Oh.

Yeah. The Mikado, right? I... I heard the... the music.

- Nate is in theater. - Oh.

I am the costume and set designer.

Oh, are you going traditional Japanese,

or something more contemporary?

Uh...

traditional.

- I think. - You know, apparently

the legend is, uh, that Gilbert had the idea for The Mikado

when a Japanese sword fell off the wall of his office.

Oh. That's fascinating.

- Did you hear that, Allison? - Yeah.

- Isn't that fascinating? - Yes, it's fascinating.

My cousin Clara is in theater. You know her?

Uh...

- I don't think so. - She's a big shot.

Everyone who's anyone knows her.

Kroll.

I've been surveying the entire compound for you.

Good day, Mrs. Stangle.

Good day, Mr. Hicks.

If you'll excuse us. Come on.

Excuse us.

Where is that pride? Don't you care at all

- about what you do? - You have a little thing

for the white haired one, Helen, don't you?

I have tremendous respect for Mrs. Stangle,

- as I do for all the fairer sex. - Mm-hmm.

Listen, man.

I don't expect this to mean a lot to you but, uh...

I went to Harvard, and I have a Masters

from the Iowa creative writing program.

Isn't there something more appropriate

I could be doing around here?

Hey. Nate, how are you?

Woohoo!

Hey, Nate.

You should really let me look in that mouth of yours.

Mm-mm.

I understand that you wrote a wonderful play,

A Crack in the Clouds.

Some people liked it.

Is there any way I can get to see it?

Hmm. Dad had it on video, I think.

Oh, wonderful. Bob, where is the video?

I haven't seen it for a while.

Mm.

Mm.

Would you guys excuse me for a minute?

Where is he going?

He likes to go potter in the garage.

In the middle of dinner?

Sometimes.

Dad?

What's up?

What are you doing in here?

What's that noise?

- Do you smell Mexican food? - No.

No, no.

Your suitcase is beeping.

Yeah.

Dad, you're not supposed to eat that stuff, Connie told me.

- Glass houses. - Glass houses?

You don't look so fit yourself. You could lose a few pounds.

- Do you even exercise? - Don't make this about me.

I power walk.

Why don't you come power walk with me one day?

- It'll do you good. - Have you seen

what people look like when they power walk?

I've been moping the floors of the locker rooms today, dad.

Is that what you want, to have me humiliated?

Isn't is enough that I'm living here with you?

That my wife has left me?

This is not about public humiliation.

If it were you'd still be a mile ahead of me.

I'm just trying to help you. Believe me.

I didn't pay for you to go to Harvard to mop floors.

You could've just as easily gone

to the state school to mop floors.

- This was mom's? - Yeah, yeah. I think so.

Well, her name's on it.

So you kept her suitcase...

but you threw away the priceless memento

- from Pompeii. - That thing couldn't have cost

more than ten bucks at the tchotchke store.

So you do remember it.

Yeah, yeah. I remember.

I didn't realize it was so significant.

They're winning seven-two. Ninth inning.

But watch, they will find a way to blow it.

This closer is horrible.

- Who are they playing? - Philly.

Remember how you used to hate the Phillies?

You went crazy when they traded Dykstra and McDowell for that...

What the hell was that guy's name?

- Juan Samuel. - Juan Samuel.

That was a horrible trade.

This is good.

Someone's smoking pot.

Hawaiian Skunk?

Purple Haze.

I never have pegged you for a pothead.

You want to join me?

I never touched this stuff.

I was a good Catholic girl.

I only started smoking when...

I had to do the chemo.

I mean, it really works well, you know...

with the nausea.

You did chemotherapy?

Yeah. I had breast cancer.

Nothing like your mother went through.

I guess I was lucky,

but it didn't seem so at that time, you know?

Anyway, that's, um...

that's how I met your dad.

He was volunteering at the hospital,

and every day he would come, and...

Oh, God, he would tell me these jokes,

and I would laugh and laugh, and...

I think he saved my life.

- He volunteers at the hospital? - Yeah. Every Tuesday.

Anyway, that's why, you know, I've been trying to get him

to eat better because...

you know, I feel like I owe him one.

And I know

that he sneaks junk food in the garage.

- He won't change. - You're probably right.

You remind me of him.

No, no, I mean in a good way. In a good way.

Those ladies today were very impressed with you.

- The Cranberry Bog Players? - Yeah.

Well, that's very nice.

Why don't you come direct a show?

No, no. I could probably get you a small stipend and...

Look I know writing is your thing,

but God, we would be so thrilled to have you.

Oh, God. We need leadership.

Please.

Daddy?

Daddy?

Are you listening?

Mm-hmm.

You're acting weird.

I was just thinking that when you talk,

your mouth looks just like your mommy's.

At least, how I remember your mommy's mouth used to look

when she used to talk to me.

Daddy, are you all right?

I miss you, Gabe.

We need to get going, we're invited

to a command performance

at the royal ballet in Monte Carlo.

All right, sweetie.

That's one terrific look, Nate. Like...

Buddy Hackett gone to seed.

Are you even getting any work done there?

- Yes. - What?

It just so happens, they've asked me

to direct The Mikado.

Who... who wants you to direct?

- The Cranberry Bog Players. - The what?

The Theatre Troupe here at the community.

- The old people? - Some of them

- are late middle-aged, actually. - Oh, my God, Nate,

are you joking?

The idea is to get back in the game,

not to hang up your jersey.

- What? - Power walk?

Have you ever heard of the Korean war?

Yeah. I have. Yeah.

I never know with you young people.

Let me guess, you were in Korea?

Incheon, Busan, Seoul.

Even pushed across the 38th.

Greatest time of my life.

Every young man should go to war. See the world.

I learned a lot from those bucket heads.

Yeah, uh, people don't really say

"bucket heads" anymore.

They should.

- Ever seen a Korean's head? - It's a little bit racist.

You're gonna tell me about racist?

I saw a less racism from those bucket heads

than from my fellow marines.

Orientals, if you prefer.

Here's my point,

the Koreans have a philosophy about mundane business.

You get inside the task.

Make it less about the goal, and more about the process.

Maybe that's why their gals are so good at fellatio.

Don't mention that last bit to Mrs. Stangle.

I knew it. You have a thing for Helen, don't you?

She's kind of a silver fox, that one. Kinda...

kinda old-lady-hot.

I've got dibs on her.

You understand?

If I catch you anywhere near her,

I will crush your windpipe, believe me,

I could still kick your lame ass.

Oh, whoa. Take it easy. I'm married, okay?

She's all yours.

Wow.

Wait, Ellis. Ellis. Ellis. What do you mean

about getting inside the process?

What? Hell.

What, they'd let anyone in Harvard?

There's a lot of crappy jobs, you see?

Somebody's got to shovel shit.

In America, the shit shoveler sits there grumbling

that he's too good to shovel shit.

That every shovel full of shit is a personal upfront

to who he ought to be, what he was born to be.

Now, in Asia it's different.

The shit shoveler just tries to be

the best shit shoveler he can be.

And when he gets home, he's proud.

He can wash his hands thoroughly,

look his wife in the eye,

and be satisfied with the day of honest work.

What if I don't want to be a shit shoveler?

You're not!

You're a towel-folder. Be happy!

Shoveling shit stinks.

Well, I'm not a goddamn towel folder either.

Oh, you're right about that!

I've never seen a worse towel folder.

In fact, you're fired.

I Googled you.

You were kinda hot shit once.

Well, thank you for qualifying that statement,

because I was afraid of getting a big hit.

I didn't mean it like that.

My mom has this crazy idea

that you're gonna come help them with the play.

Why is it so crazy? You're helping them.

Yeah, but that's different.

Why?

Well, I don't have any other options.

As a starting point,

I thought we could have a theoretical conversation

about what Gilbert and Sullivan were trying to do

with The Mikado.

- By setting the play in Japan... - What are you doing?

What are you digging around in that purse? What's in there?

- An opportunity... - I would appreciate it,

if you don't roll those eyes at me.

I got a responsibility here.

So sorry. Go ahead.

You know, let's forget theory.

Let's start with the basics.

How far have you all gotten so far?

Well, we...

we have definitely decided that we are doing The Mikado,

but maybe just the "Three Little Maids" number,

- maybe not the whole thing. - It's very long.

I wanted to do "Brigadoon", it's so romantic.

I played Meg in Summer Stock.

I would've preferred to see you in chicken stock.

The Racine Journal Times

called my performance "hypnotic".

- You made them very sleepy. - Yeah.

Oh, now, this a clipping from 1977?

But look at the picture.

Oh, yeah. It's big.

So, Gabe, what are you doing over there? Are you doing camp?

- Are you doing swim lessons? - I'm doing swimming.

I can jump in the water, swim underwater, and cannonball.

You know, grandpa taught me how to cannonball.

You know how to cannonball, daddy?

Oh, yeah. Just a little out of practice.

Okay, we're gonna try an improv activity

called "Martian, lion, pig",

and everybody chooses a creature, uh,

either a Martian, like this, "beep-boop",

or a lion.

Or a pig.

Does everybody understand so far?

Roar.

No, Gert, I'm still explaining it.

- Gert... - I could...

take her place.

Thank you. Please.

Okay, now I'm gonna countdown from three,

and, uh, then everybody chooses what creature they wanna be,

and we'll see how long it takes

until we all choose the same thing.

Three.

Two.

One.

Okay. Let's try again. You're missing out, Gert.

Three, two, one.

Mind if I join you?

Oh, uh, yeah. Please.

Nigel is a surprisingly talented barista.

So...

are you happy with your first rehearsal?

I'm concentrating on process.

- Oh. - Oh.

Check it out.

- Cappuccino? - Okay.

I'm actually here on a mission.

My mom would like you to come over for dinner tonight.

Mm. Uh, I don't think so.

Dude, I eat alone with my mom every night.

Is dinner at your dad's really a party

that you can't miss?

Don't look now, but I think

Helen is sort of making goo-goo eyes at me.

No, I don't think so.

So, what do you say? Dinner?

Come on, come on.

Lasagna.

- Okay. - Okay!

Hang in there, buddy. It could be worse.

They could be doing Starlight Express.

I'll see you at seven.

Later tonight, Joe.

I just wanted a moment alone with you. I hope you don't mind.

Uh, actually I'm just...

You know, it is absolutely fabulous

- that you've come on board. - Thank you, Helen.

- I'll just wash my hands. - You are so talented.

Oh. No, I'm not sure you can... you can tell...

I'm a connoisseur of talented men.

- Oh. - I just want you to know,

if you ever need me to audition, or to run lines,

or to do another improv exercise...

I'm around.

Let's just say...

my door is always...

open.

Stop me if you've heard this one.

- Come in. - Zimmerman goes

to the doctor and the doctor says,

"I don't know how to tell you this,

but you've got to stop masturbating."

I've heard it.

"So I can examine you." That one?

Yes, I've heard it.

Gee, I... I forget who I tell them to.

Um...

Ellis told me that he fired you.

Uh, yes, but, dad, here's the thing...

Connie explained that you're helping the ladies

with their show.

That's very good.

I'm sorry I didn't think of that.

It's far more appropriate.

Are you going somewhere?

- Oh, look at you. - Who is that?

Who's here?

It's my drug dealer, mom.

You want anything while he's here.

Not funny. Not funny. Hi. Come on in. Come on in.

I'm glad you're here.

- I'll take that. - Okay.

Thank you.

Sit... sit down.

And let me pour you a glass of wine.

You there.

Yeah, that's perfect.

That's a nice Chianti.

And start with that lasagna, it's hot and nice right now...

Well, everything is hot, you know, that's...

yeah, just go ahead.

Hey, do you want some cranberry juice, honey?

- Yeah, please. - Okay, it's in the fridge.

So...

okay...

here we are. Oh, goodness, I forgot something.

Uh...

I just remembered. You guys just eat and...

She's up to something.

You know, if you wanted to have dinner with me,

you could've just asked.

- No need for this charade. - Mm-hmm.

So...

tell me what's wrong with you, again?

The short version, my wife left me

and took our son,

and I had no place else to go.

What happened?

I think when you fall in love with someone...

you're partially falling in love

with the person they are at that moment,

and partially with the person you hoped they would become.

Maybe I let her down in that regard.

She kind of gave up on the potential me.

- So, what's wrong with you? - Well...

you see how my mom is with food? Um...

Well, that's how I am with a few other things.

Specifically, vodka and cocaine.

I was in band and we were...

on the road an awful lot, and I think I just took things

a little too far.

I got arrested.

But I traded jail time for rehab,

and Dee is my halfway house.

I am quite literally a prisoner of Cranberry Bog.

Oh, my God, that's so horrible.

Uh...

So you're kind of like a bad girl?

Well...

I wouldn't say that, I mean, I did drive a mean Harley,

but, no. I'm really a musician.

I wouldn't mind teaching piano to kids.

Something like that.

I think once I serve my time with Dee,

I'll go to Seattle or something and start over.

- Why Seattle? - Um...

Can't get much further from New Jersey.

My door is always open.

Hey. I called my cousin Clara to see if she knows you.

She's so important, she doesn't take anyone's call.

When Neil Simon calls, she says, "I'll call him back."

Stephen Sondheim calls, she says, "I'll call him back."

But when her cousin Gert calls,

that call she takes.

What's she saying?

She's gonna call me back.

Okay, well, let me know.

Everybody gather around, I've worked out the casting

for our number.

Now, all the parts are good parts.

So let's not get too hung up on this,

especially since we're only doing one number.

Dee...

will play Yum-Yum. That's a soprano part,

and this isn't operetta, and...

she's the closest. Helen...

will play Peep-Bo.

That's a mezzo.

And, Gert, you can play Pitti-Sing.

That's a mezzo also, but, uh, you can sing it however you do.

I don't sing.

Gert, why do you always have to be so negative?

Nothing negative about it, I don't sing.

Nate...

may I speak to you outside?

Helen, what's going on?

Helen, are you crying?

You never even gave me a chance.

Oh.

Peep-Bo is a very good part. We're only doing one number.

I don't care about that.

Oh. So, uh...

what are we talking about?

Nate...

I'm not a fool.

- I know I'm old. - No, no, you're not.

- I am. - You're not.

I am.

But when a lady says her door is open,

a polite gentleman can at least...

Oh, I see.

- Of course. - Oh, it's settled then?

Drinks at my place. I'll see you at eight.

Now let's rehearse.

We've got a show to do.

Ready, ladies?

Everything is a source of fun

Nobody's safe For we care for none

Life is a joke that's just begun.

Life is a joke That's just begun

Life is a joke that's just begun.

What do you think? Hmm?

For The Mikado.

It's Japanese. I'm going to show Connie.

Oh.

Great idea.

Come in. I got some sake.

I like my sake cold.

And my men warm.

I wanna show you something, Nate.

That's Pablo Robles.

He was in the import/export business.

I think he might've been a drug dealer as well.

Have you ever heard of a courtesan?

Hmm.

That is Notin Shre.

He was in the Burmese governing junta.

We were lovers for five years.

I've spent my life as a courtesan.

I've traveled the world as the guest of...

powerful married men.

I generally saw a side of these men,

that for one reason or another, they couldn't show their wives

or the world.

The side of them that was scared to fail.

Or succeed for that matter.

The side...

that lacked confidence.

I see.

You could use some confidence, Nate.

You think so?

Oh, yes.

I know about these things.

Oh, Ellis really like you.

Did you know... did you know that?

I mean, it's obvious to me.

But he's so old.

Yeah, he's kinda old.

But he's, uh, very devoted, and...

surprisingly fit.

Uh...

And he... you know what, he thinks the world of you.

Maybe it's time you let someone else

take care of you.

I'll see you at rehearsal.

Oh, Ellis.

- I told you she was mine. - Oh, no, no...

- I told you I had dibs. - It's not what it looks like.

Nate.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Oh. Hi, Ellis.

Think you're fooling me?

You think you're gonna get away?

I'll get you! Oh!

He saw me coming out of Helen's,

I... you know, she was... she gave me sake, she had...

- What are you talking about? - Ellis is chasing me.

He's gonna crush my windpipe.

Do you have another helmet?

Not much muscle under the hood.

Yeah, well, I figure I'd go power walking with my dad.

It's a Vespa.

- Got him now! - There he is.

Shit. All right. Hold on.

Come on, Kroll.

I know you're hiding somewhere.

I just want to talk!

Kroll, take it like a man!

He thinks I was hitting on his girl.

Oh, is that your thing? You're a granny banger?

I bang a lot of grannies, yeah. I do.

I mean, no... but seriously, she's a very attractive woman.

And... and, uh, I'm not...

I don't think you're a dick for not wanting to stick it

to an 80-year-old.

Thank you. You're very understanding,

and I appreciate it.

Would you read a play I've been working on?

- Well, I'm more of a music girl. - But you're smart.

And not to be overly pathetic,

but I think you might be my only friend right now.

But which Nate wants to be friends,

you or the potential you?

Both.

Sure, I'll read it.

I'm outnumbered.

- Where are you? - Geneva.

Henri decided to go to India on a trip, so we came here.

- That's a bore. - Are you drinking wine in bed?

I'm in Europe, it's not that weird.

- Yeah? - Everything's great, Nate.

I'm building Henri's collection, I've got a blank check.

It's every art-doer's dream.

Talk to your son.

- Hi, daddy. - Hi, sweetheart.

- Are you smiling? - Am I?

Yeah. Yeah.

I had a nice evening, I guess, and I'm glad to see you.

- Daddy. - Yeah?

Can you bark like a sea lion?

I'm trying to sleep.

Yeah.

Power walk?

Yeah.

So, Zimmerman is seeing his doctor,

and he's got a carrot in one nostril,

a string bean in the other nostril,

and asparagus spear in one ear,

and a piece on celery in the other.

And the doctor says, "I don't think

you're eating properly."

Dad, that is never going to be funny.

Other people think I'm funny.

They're wrong.

Dad.

I'm thinking of taking a ride out to mom's grave later.

You wanna come?

That's okay. You can go.

Don't you miss mom?

You know which story reminds me most of mom?

Dad, can we just talk, does it have to be a joke?

It's the one where Zimmerman is alone

shipwrecked on a desert island,

and all he's got with him is a fishing rod and a dog...

and a sheep.

He has everything he needs to survive.

But he's lonely.

Very lonely.

The sheep is starting to look better and better.

But the dog...

will have none of it.

Zimmerman is lonelier than ever.

But one day he notices something odd

out on the horizon.

See that?

I owe you my life.

I would be dead if it weren't for you.

I would do anything.

Absolutely anything to repay you.

Anything?

You name it.

Absolutely anything.

Will you take the dog for a walk?

What does that have to do with mom?

Well, you know, I... I never liked

breaking the jokes down too much.

That pseudo intellectual stuff

just takes all the joy out of it.

It's funny that the guy would rather schtup the sheep

than the beautiful young girl.

That's enough for me, but mom...

when mom would hear that story...

- do you know what she'd say? - What?

There's no explaining love.

Okay. All right. Just get it over with.

Not the windpipe though, please. Not... not the windpipe.

You were just gonna take it?

Don't you have any fight in you?

I do.

I have fight in me.

I spoke to Mrs. Stangle.

I don't know what you said.

But thank you.

One, two three, four, five, six, seven, eight.

Fan snap.

Three little maids From school are we

Pert as a school-girl Well can be

Filled to the brim With girlish glee

Three little maids from school

- Every... - Yeah, stop. Yeah.

That was... that was...

Yeah.

- You've come such a long way. - You know, I think

Gert did her fan part at the wrong time.

At least I could keep a husband.

Oh, uh, ladies, let's not...

Let's break for today and tomorrow.

We'll work on the next section.

Yeah. We're gonna get it now. We...

We're gonna get it there! Woo!

We'll never ever get it there.

- Uh-huh. - Better read that.

- Script? - Yeah.

Actually, maybe I should do some more work on it.

- No, no. - No, I'll do more work...

- No, no, no. - I can tweak it.

- No tweaks. - I could just tweak it.

- No don't. No tweaks. - Okay.

Thanks.

Open the glove box.

Pass me El Caballero Caliente.

- Which one is it? - It's that one, it's green.

Here.

How is going with Dee, and those guys?

To be honest,

they're never gonna be very good.

But, uh...

I think ladies are actually enjoying themselves.

But for me, I just wanna finish it.

Just finish something.

Connie is worried about you, you know?

Your health. She knows about your little garage visits.

- I figured. - Well, then why the rules?

Why not just eat what you want inside your house?

I don't wanna hurt Connie's feelings.

She's trying to take care of me.

But I just don't like that rabbit food.

This stuff is gonna kill you.

Zimmerman goes to see his doctor,

doctor says, "Zimmerman, you got six months to live."

Zimmerman says, "I want a second opinion."

The doctor says, "Okay, that's an ugly haircut."

So I'll check food and your health off the list

of things you're willing to actually discuss.

Dad...

what happened to all of mom's stuff from the old house?

I mean, it's as if, she never even existed.

Maybe check that off your list as well.

Which... what part is this again?

Come on, ladies, you wanted to do The Mikado.

You.

Opening night is approaching and we're not gonna be ready.

Why don't we just start over from the beginning?

- My bunions hurt. - Your bunions,

your sciatica. It's always something.

Well, maybe if I was getting schtupped

right, left and sideways by the ancient married men,

I wouldn't complain so much.

This is gonna be embarrassing.

I don't know how to make it work.

I mean, this could either be cute, or it could be sad.

And it's teetering.

It's teetering right on the edge.

- Oh, really? - Hey, ladies.

Look what I found on eBay.

Nate's play. A Crack in the Clouds.

- Oh. - We're gonna have a screening.

Oh, no. I don't think that's a great idea.

Don't be silly. It's a wonderful play.

Did you just say something nice?

I have high standards.

Doesn't mean I don't like anything.

- Where's Bob? - He's playing golf.

- Should we wait for him? - No.

I mean, he's... he's seen it.

Oh, okay.

- Oh, I know her. - Who is she?

That's the, um... yeah, that's the woman from...

Pancreas?

That's a body part?

I thought it was a train station in London.

- I don't get it. I don't get it. - I don't get it either.

It's just funny.

Well, I played like crap.

What happened to you? It's four o'clock,

I was expecting you at two.

That reminds me of a story.

Greenberg gets home from playing golf late,

and his wife is angry. Did I ever tell you that one?

- Richard, we have to talk. - Sure.

Of course.

Greenberg comes home and his wife says,

"Where have you been?" and Greenberg says,

You're not gonna believe this."

Honey.

He says, "I was driving home from the club,

and I see a woman with a flat tire

on the side of the road, well, naturally, I pull over

to see if I can offer her some assistance."

I can feel myself going with her.

"After I changed the tire the woman says to me,

'It's hot. Could I buy you a cool drink?'"

Richard, will you please listen to me?

Well, one drink."

I never liked that joke.

I never would've told that joke to your mother.

What difference does it make?

That made you feel good?

Having the whole world look at that?

That's your idea of talent?

I guess it was my way of dealing with mom dying.

You never dealt with it.

You cracked jokes at her funeral.

You threw away everything she owned.

How about I deal with things the way I want to?

Why don't you figure out your own life?

You're 40 years old!

What are you doing in my guest room?

Isn't that what you should be thinking about?

My whole life, every time I've tried to speak to you

about something, you told me a joke.

You wonder why I was closer to mom?

She used to listen.

You never listened to anything.

The only reason why I became a writer in the first place,

was to try and get someone to listen.

That play was about mom dying.

Mom dying.

A lot of people were moved by it.

I was supposed to have a very bright future.

Everybody said so.

You never even said one word.

Because it hurt me.

You're right, I don't belong here

in your guest room. I'm not a guest.

I'm just your son.

Are you going somewhere?

Yeah.

I don't think I can be here anymore.

Where will you go?

- What about The Mikado? - You guys will be fine.

I've taken it as far as I can anyway.

Oh, so you're just gonna quit?

It's not about The Mikado, okay, Connie?

No, not okay.

You're letting down a lot of people.

I just can't be here anymore.

I need to figure out someway to start over.

You know, wherever you go, there you are.

That's something that my mother used to say.

Well, that's a depressing thought.

Do you know where my dad is?

Bob!

Bob!

Bob!

Bob?

My arm feels really funny.

Really, dad? Now?

Dad?

What did you do to him?

Are you saying, "What did you do to him?", like,

what did you do to him to make him have a heart attack?

Clearly.

Fuck you.

Fuck me? Fuck you!

I don't believe you.

You know, it's one thing to have lofty ambitions

if you can actually see them through,

and maybe I'm not some fancy New York City playwright,

but at least I can make a deal.

If I couldn't, I... I couldn't feed my family.

Oh, that's right, I forgot. You can't feed your family.

Hi.

Hi.

What the doctor say?

They still don't know if there's any brain injury

that's resulted the heart attack, induced coma.

They're supposed to give his brain a chance to heal,

he should come out of it in the next day or two.

And they will see.

I'll give you some space.

Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

Your father asked me to give this to you...

if anything ever happened to him.

I'm sorry.

No, you were right.

I meant about the feeding your family thing.

Oh, yeah.

That was kinda harsh.

I'm sorry.

I always thought you were the jackass.

But, I was the one who didn't get it.

Well, it's gonna happen whether you smile or not.

Might as well try to smile.

Do you know dad has a storage space for mom's stuff?

Really?

- Everything? - Yeah. Everything.

So... any of our stuff?

Yeah, uh, all your little league trophies.

Tickets stubs from Met's games.

The board game we invented.

Warming our way through the big apple.

No way.

I didn't realize he cared about any of that.

Yeah.

Here.

Check it out.

Oh.

Um...

You know what, you should... you should come over...

later... whatever... sometime.

Just to hang out with the kids.

Yeah, sure.

Which one is this?

No clue.

How's your dad?

Uh.

Hard to say.

Connie said you were quitting the show.

Yeah. I was just thinking of taking off,

but now that my dad is a mess, I don't know what I'll do.

I don't know what to do with that number anyway.

So that's what it's about?

Fear of failing?

You... you know we're talking about The Cranberry Bog Players,

- right? - Listen, Allison,

my wife left me, my kid is gone.

My mom is dead, and my dad is in a coma.

I just don't think "Three Little Maids"

is the most important thing right now.

I know.

You giving up is the most important thing.

I read Pompeii.

- Oh, yeah? - I thought it was beautiful.

And sad.

And almost finished.

So, why don't you finish it?

I'll tell you something...

I don't think it was your wife

who gave up on the potential you.

I just think it was you.

You seem lost.

How can I help you?

I understand you can

- contact the dead. - I do have the gift.

Of course, the deceased must be open to it.

I lost my father recently,

and I'd like to speak to him if it's possible.

Hold my hand.

Immortal souls. Immortal souls!

Grant us entry.

Mister...

- Zimmerman. - Mr. Zimmerman

needs to speak with his father.

Let him speak to his father.

Yes?

Dad?

Dad?

Is that you?

It is.

It's me.

- Hello, my son. - Dad. Dad.

You went to suddenly,

there's so much I wanted to tell you.

How are you? How is it where you are?

Oh, son, it's wonderful, wonderful!

Every morning I wake up and have a little breakfast,

then I have sex. Then I take a nap,

then I have lunch. Then I have sex.

Then I take a little nap, then I have dinner,

have sex, go to bed. Every day is like this.

- It's wonderful. - Oh, dad.

Dad, I'm so happy! You made it!

You're in heaven.

Heaven? What heaven?

I'm a bull in Montana.

Dad?

You won't believe this.

I told him a joke and I think he smiled a little.

I don't believe it.

You told him a joke?

You know any jokes?

Yeah.

Um...

These two old ladies are talking...

one says, "Oh, dear God, it's Friday, I hate Friday."

So the other lady says, "Why do you hate Friday?"

The first lady says, "Because on Friday,

my husband always brings me flowers."

So the other lady says, "What's wrong with that?"

So, the first lady says,

"When my husband brings me flowers,

I always end up on my back with my legs in the air."

So the other lady says, "What, you don't have a vase?"

Look. Oh, God.

Dad?

Dad?

What did the doctor say?

He said you've got to stop masturbating.

So he can examine you.

How's Bob doing today?

Good. He walked down the hall, had all the nurses in stitches.

I don't think he's lost a single punchline.

He actually gave me an idea.

Can I come in?

How about... about over here?

It seems like a good spot. Can you help with the...

All right, it's fine, you just... Thank you.

Why would I have three?

What the hell is C.C. Rudin doing here?

My cousin Clara!

I told you she was a big deal.

- Oh, my God. Jesus Christ... - Oh, no, no. Don't worry.

Don't worry, I'm gonna sing.

Just for you.

Great. Great.

Three little maids from school Are we

Pert as a school-girl Well can be

Filled to the brim With girlish glee

Three little maids from school

Everything is a source of fun

Nobody's safe For we care for none

Life is a joke That's just begun

What did you say, Pitti-Sing?

Life is a joke That's just begun

That's what I though you said.

- Tell me, Peep-Bo. - Yes, Yum-Yum?

Have you been to the market lately?

I remember when we used to go to the green grocer,

and I could get a cucumber.

This long and that thick, for a nickel.

You are not kidding.

And onions are so small these days.

I used to get a pair of onions this big for a penny a piece.

I can't hear a word you two are saying.

But I remember that guy.

Three little maids Who all unwary

Come from a ladies' seminary

Freed from its genius tutelary

Three little maids from school

Three little maids from school

- Yum-Yum. - Yes, Pitti-Sing?

You know, I'm just back from Florida?

- Oh, did you have a nice time? - For the most part.

Except for one day.

Two friends and I accidentally went to a nude beach.

- You didn't! - We did!

- You didn't! - We did!

And a naked man came up to us.

- He didn't! - He did!

- He didn't! - He did!

My first friend took one look at him,

and right away had a stroke.

My second friend took one look at him,

- and right away had a stroke. - Oh my goodness,

what did you do?

Me?

I wouldn't touch that thing.

Three little maids from school

- So tell me, Peep-Bo. - Yes, Yum-Yum?

Do you still get horny?

- I sure do. - So, what do you do about it?

Well, I just suck a lifesaver.

Really?

Who drives you to the beach?

Life is a joke That's just begun

Life is a joke That's just begun

Life is a joke That's just begun

Three little maids Who all unwary

Come from a ladies' seminary

Freed from its genius tutelary

Three little maids from school

Three little maids from school

Bravo!

Bravo!

- Oh, that was so good. - Thank you.

Nicely done.

There's somebody outside to see you.

Nirit.

Oh, nice job, Nate.

Bit of a departure. Fun though.

What are you doing here?

It's so boring. Henri dumped me.

He went on an investment trip to Mumbai,

and brought back a 19-year-old Indian supermodel

named Karma.

No, wait. You're shitting me.

- No. - Her name is "Karma"?

- I'm sorry. - Don't cry for me.

I sold him 60 million in art at a very favorable commission.

I'll be staying at the Four Season in the city.

My lawyer will be in touch about shared custody.

- Did you lose some weight? - Uh...

I don't know maybe a little.

Hmm.

Hey, sweetie pie. Dad's here, do you wanna see Dad?

Yeah.

Daddy!

Oh, look.

Grandpa!

- These are for the author. - For me?

- Yes. - Oh, amazing.

Um...

I like this potential you.

I think he's got potential.

- Whoa! - Don't fall.

I want you to meet my son.

Okay.

Okay, let's go, Gabe.

Hey, Nate.

What do you think?

Connie and I are working on a new idea for our next show.

Meow, meow.

Morning, soldiers.

- Have you seen my dad? - Pool.

Gabe, Come on.

Grandpa!

You ready?

Cannonball!

Cannonball!

Cannonball!

Subtitles by explosiveskull