Original subtitles

Mr. Schuester.

Yea!

I went to the library and I got some sheet music,

and I wanted to run some songs by you

that feature me heavily on lead vocal. Thanks, Rach.

But I already got one picked out.

Let me help you with that.

Thanks, Finn.

That's a good thing, right? Morning, guys.

Hey, Mr. Shue. We're just learning some runs.

Oh, yeah? So it goes,

* Oh. *

* Oh. * * Oh. *

With the finger, huh? Pretty fly for a white guy.

Oh, thank you, thank you.

Hey, don't be late for rehearsal this afternoon.

All right.

Morning, Kurt.

Buenos nachos, Mr. Shue.

Hey!

Let's go, Titans! Yeah.

Come on. Wait!

One day you will all work for me.

(strumming steady rhythm)

It was very, very nice.

All right?

(gasping): Oh, Will, oh. Oh!

Gosh. Hi. Hey, Emma.

Hi. Hey.

Uh, I wanted to thank you so much

for the advice you gave me the other day.

I mean, teaching here and coaching Glee Club--

it's where I belong. Oh, well, it's no problem.

I mean, it's what I do. You know, I give counsel

and give guidance. I'm a guidance counselor.

Yeah, you are.

So-- oh, look, we match, periwinkle.

Yeah. Get a room.

Mrs. Sylvester wants to see you in her office, Mr. Shue.

She doesn't like to be kept waiting.

You got it.

(school bell ringing)

Hey, Sue, you want to see me?

Hey, buddy. Come on in.

(sighs)

I just blasted my hammies.

Oh.

Iron tablet?

Uh...

Keeps your strength up while you're menstruating.

I don't menstruate.

Yeah?

Neither do I.

So I had a little chat

with Principal Figgins, and he said that if you're group

doesn't place at Regionals, he's cutting the program.

(clicks tongue) Ouch.

You know, you don't have to worry about Glee Club.

We're going to be fine.

Really?

'Cause I was at the local library,

where I read Cheerleading Today aloud

to blind geriatrics,

and I came across this little page-turner.

Show Choir Rule Book.

And it turns out,

you need 12 kids to qualify for Regionals.

Last time I looked,

you only had five-and-a-half.

Here. Cripple in the wheelchair.

I also took the liberty of highlighting some special ed classes

for you-- maybe you could find some recruits--

because I'm not sure there's anybody else

who's going to want to swim over

to your Island of Misfit Toys.

Are you threatening me,

Sue? Threatening you?

Oh, no, no, no.

Presenting you with an opportunity

to compromise yourself?

You betcha.

Let's break it down.

You want to be creative.

You want to be in the spotlight.

Face it, you want to be me.

So, here's the deal:

you do with your depressing little group of kids

what I did with my wealthy, elderly mother:

euthanize it.

It's time.

And then I'll be happy to offer you a job

as my second assistant on Cheerios.

You can fetch me Gatorade

and launder my soiled delicates;

it'll be very rewarding

work for you.

You know what, Sue?

I politely decline your offer.

Glee Club is here to stay.

I believe in my kids.

I know you're used to being the cock of the walk around here...

Offensive.

...but it looks like your Cheerios

are going to have some competition.

We're going to show at Regionals.

You have my word on that.

Have a good day.

(school bell ringing)

QUINN: We are in line to be the most popular kids in this school

over the next couple of years. Yeah, I know.

Prom king and queen, homecoming court royalty,

I'm not giving up those shiny crowns

just so you can "express yourself."

FINN: Look, you're making too big a deal out of this.

Okay, let's compromise.

If you quit the club,

I'll let you touch my breast.

FINN: Under the shirt?

Over the bra.

No, no.

I can't.

I want to do Glee. I--

I'm really happy when I'm performing.

People think you're gay now, Finn.

And you know what that makes me?

Your big gay beard.

Look, I-I-I got to go to class, okay?

Just relax.

Everything's going to work out.

Eavesdrop much?

Time for some girl talk, man hands.

You can dance with him, you can sing with him,

but you will never have him.

I understand why you'd be threatened.

Finn and I have made a connection,

but I'm an honorable person.

I don't need to steal your man.

I have plenty of suitors of my own.

Every day Glee's status is going up

and yours is going down...

deal with it.

(others laughing)

Holla.

* Ah, freak out *

* Le freak, c'est chic *

Energy, guys. * Freak out *

It's disco.

* Le freak, c'est chic *

* Ah, freak out *

Good with the hands. John Travolta hands. All right.

* Le freak, c'est chic *

Freak it out. Let's go. * Freak out *

* Le freak, c'est chic *

And up and out

and down and-- good. * Have you heard *

* About the new dance craze? * Good, good, guys.

* Listen to us *

* I'm sure you'll be amazed *

* Big fun... * Whoa! Whoa!

Hell to the nah.

First of all, you try to bust my face again,

and I will cut you.

And also, this song is terrible.

Okay, no, no, it's not the song.

You guys just need to get into it.

No, it's the song.

It's really gay. We need

modern music, Mr. Shue.

I'm sorry, guys.

We don't have time to discuss this.

We're doing the song this Friday at the pep assembly.

In f-front of the whole school?

Exactly!

They're gonna throw fruit at us.

And I just had a facial.

I'll press charges if that happens.

Guys, I can't express to you

how important this assembly is.

We need recruits.

There're six of you.

We need 12 to qualify for Regionals.

We have no choice or...

the club is over.

I know you guys don't like this song,

but we took Nationals back in '93 with "Freak Out."

It's a crowd-pleaser.

Trust me.

From the top.

I'm dead.

Captioning sponsored by 20th CENTURY FOX

WILL: My father always said you become a man

when you buy your first house.

I'm not sure what he meant by that,

since he burned ours down once after a drunken fight with Mom.

Welcome to your little slice of the American dream.

I have a question about the trees.

It's always been my personal dream

to cut down my own Christmas tree.

How many Christmas trees will we have in the backyard?

And do they come in different colors?

Because, well-- obviously, we're expecting a family,

and I have a real sense that it might be a girl.

WILL: Still, I can't believe we're actually doing this.

It all happened so fast...

(kids screaming)

It all started when Terri's sister Kendra

brought her kids over for Sunday brunch.

Well, I just don't understand

where you're planning on putting the nursery.

I know.

We have a second bedroom.

You are not giving up your craft room, Terri.

A mother needs her respite.

That craft room is the only thing

that's going to keep you from going all Susan Smith

on that little angel.

Postpartum runs in our family.

Where are you going?

Bathroom.

All that bran.

No, you can't.

Kyle needs his inhaler.

(screaming continues)

(screams)

Anyway, this conversation is over.

They're starting construction

on a new section of our subdivision.

You are not

bringing my niece or nephew home to this apartment.

When pigs fly.

(laughing)

Can I eat this?

This banister was made by Ecuadorian children.

(gasps) It's great, Terri,

but there are nine foreclosures on our street.

Why can't we buy one of those?

They're half the price. I am not raising our baby

in a used house. They're not clean.

Oh.

Look at this sun nook.

Isn't it beautiful?

Is i iextra? Mm.

The price in the brochure is for the basic model--

everything else is ?la carte.

The grand foyer is an extra $14,000,

and the sun nook is an extra 24.

I'll let you two talk.

Thank you. Thank you.

(sighs)

We can't afford this.

We already did the math, Will.

All we have to do is give up Applebee's,

and we won't run the AC for the first couple of summers.

Well, we certainly can't afford the grand foyer,

and the sun nook.

I mean, if we bite off more than we can chew

we'll lose everything.

You need to pick one.

Come with me.

I'm going to show you something really special.

This is where our daughter or gay son will sleep.

I thought maybe we could put one

of those mini-pianos in here,

and you two could put on shows for me.

I love it, Terri.

But we still can't afford everything.

(sighs)

It's my very own Sophie's Choice.

Fine.

I'm going to give up the sun nook for the grand foyer.

But I really need the polished door handles.

Think of our family, Will.

This is our dream.

WILL: I knew in that moment that I would do whatever it took,

even if it meant getting a part-time job

to make some extra money,

to make that dream come true.

Let's go sign those papers.

Yes!

You need to call me before you dress yourself. Whatever, whatever.

You look like a Technicolor zebra. You're a hater.

And I look like I'm a partier. That's what you are, a hater.

You're trying to copy me. It looks like I planned it.

You know what? If you're hair was longer

you'd have curls. WILL: All right, guys.

How about a little Kanye?

(all cheering)

For the assembly?

No, we won't be ready in time.

We're still doing disco.

But we can fold this into our repertoire,

and it'll be awesome at Regionals.

Communication is the foundation

of any successful music group.

If we're going to succeed we need to communicate.

You guys said you wanted modern music, I listened.

Mr. Shue, we'd really like to not do disco at that assembly.

Finn, you're going to take the solo.

What? No, I-I can't do the solo, Mr. Shue.

I'm still learning...

learning how to walk and sing at the same time.

No problem.

I'll walk you through it.

ALL: Ooh.

Challenge.

Mercedes, you know this?

Oh, I got this.

* She take my money *

* When I'm in need *

* Yeah, she's a trifflin' *

* Friend, indeed *

* Oh, she's a gold digger *

* Way over town *

* That digs on me *

(bass pumping)

* She give me money * * Now I ain't sayin' she a gold digger *

* When I'm in need * * But she ain't messin' with no broke, broke *

* She give me money * * Now I ain't sayin' she a gold digger *

* When I'm in need * * But she ain't messin' with no broke *

* Broke * * I gotta leave *

* Get down, girl, go 'head, get down *

* I gotta leave * * Get down, girl, go 'head, get down *

* I gotta leave * * Get down, girl *

* Go 'head, get down * * I gotta leave *

* Get down, girl, go 'head * * She give me money *

* Cutie da bomb met her at a beauty salon *

* When I'm in need * * With a baby Louis Vuitton *

* Under her underarm, she said I can tell you rock *

* She give me money * * I can tell by your charm *

* When I'm in need * * Far as girls you got a flock *

* I can tell by your charm and your arm *

* I gotta leave * * But I'm lookin' for the one *

* Have you seen her? * * I gotta leave *

* No, we ain't seen her! *

* She give my money *

* Now I ain't sayin' she a gold digger *

* When I'm in need * * But she ain't messin' *

* With no broke, broke, uh * * She give me money *

* Now I ain't sayin' she a gold digger *

* When I'm in need *

* But she ain't messin' with no broke, broke, uh *

* I gotta leave *

* Get down, girl, go 'head, get down *

* I gotta leave * * Get down, oh, oh *

* Get down, girl, go 'head, get down *

* I gotta leave * * Get down, girl *

* Go 'head, get down * * I gotta leave *

* Get down, girl, go 'head *

* She give me money * * 18 years, 18 years *

* When I'm in need * * She got one of yo' kids *

* Got you for 18 years * * She give me money *

* I know somebody paying child support for one of his kids *

* When I'm in need *

* His baby mama car crib is bigger than his *

* You will see him on TV *

* Any given Sunday *

* I gotta leave *

* Win the Super Bowl *

* And drive off in a Hyundai *

* She was supposed to buy ya shorty Tyco with ya money *

* I gotta leave * * She went to the doctor *

* Got lipo with ya money * * She give me money *

* She walkin' around lookin' like Michael with ya money *

* When I'm in need * * Shoulda' got that insured *

* Geico for ya money * * She give me money *

* If you ain't no crook *

* When I'm in need * * Holla' we want pre-nup *

* We want pre-nup! Yeah! *

(laughter)

That was fun.

All right, just like that. Ready?

(toilet flushing)

(coughing and retching)

(coughing)

Rachel, did you just throw up?

No.

You missed the toilet.

The girl who was throwing up before me left that.

I tried, but I guess I just don't have a gag reflex.

One day when you're older,

that'll turn out to be a gift.

Let's have a little chat, okay?

(school bell ringing)

(clears throat) Rachel, bulimia is a very

messy, serious disease.

I don't have bulimia.

I tried it and failed, and won't ever attempt it again.

Okay.

It grossed me out.

Okay, but I still want to talk

about the feelings that you had

that led up to you wanting to puke your guts out.

I want to be thinner.

And prettier like that Quinn girl.

Mm-hmm, and, um, why is that?

Have you ever liked somebody so much,

you just want to lock yourself in your room,

turn on sad music and cry?

No.

(to song on radio): * All by my... *

(crying)

By myself.

I'm by myself.

* Don't want to be... *

Uh, but a boy crush, huh?

I know about that. I mean, not now.

It takes me back in the day.

Like, a long time ago I knew about that.

You know what? You need to remember, Rachel,

to protect your heart.

I don't care who he is.

If he doesn't like you for the way you are,

or if he's... you know, he's married

with a baby on the way,

that's not worth the heartache.

You don't want to compromise... yourself... for that.

Um... (clears throat)

Have you just tried

telling him how you feel?

He doesn't even notice me.

I see.

Um, okay, well, here's what I think.

Common interests are the key to romance.

All ght? So find out what he likes.

Then he'll see you in a positive way, and

maybe you'll end up doing something

SUE: Would you like

to tell Principal Figgins and Mr. Schuester

what I caught you two doing?

It just sort of happened.

I don't mean to be rude,

but I think she's overreacting.

You watch your tone, young lady.

Gay parents encourage rebellion.

There are studies on this.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

All right, tell me what happened, Rachel.

Finn was worried about having to perform a solo

at the pep assembly in front of his chromosomally-challenged

friends.

I was immediately concerned

by his lack of self-esteem

and made a creative preemptive strike.

Yeah, pretty much what she said.

You know, one of the amazing things

about being in the performing arts is that

you can parlay it into so many different fields.

Like Justin Timberlake.

He's a singer, but he also has a clothing line.

And you know, he makes things like shirts and belts.

Who is Justin Timberlake?

RACHEL: It was a two-fold plan.

We figured that with the right marketing strategy,

we could pull from the entire student body

without having an assembly,

thus creating the diverse Glee Club

this school has been craving.

That copy machine is for Cheerios use only.

Paid for by alumni donations.

I can't begin to fathom the damage

you'd have done to the program had you broken it.

Hold on a second, Sue.

I resent being told

to hold on to anything, William.

I will not be treated

like a second-class citizen because of my gender.

There is a very clear bureaucracy

when it comes to photocopies, and you seem to think

that these procedures don't apply to your students.

It is my strong recommendation

that both these students be hobbled.

How many copies did you guys make?

17.

Okay. And how much does a photocopy cost?

Four-and-a-half cents.

How about they just pay for the copies?

I like this compromise.

Children, pay Ms. Sylvester,

and we'll let you off with a warning.

And Sue, I'm sorry, but I'll have to ask you

to personally clean the congealed

protein shake off the photocopy room floor.

That's why we have janitors.

Sue, we're in a recession, and concessions must be made.

I've laid off half the janitorial staff.

We all need to lend a hand.

Lady Justice wept today.

I'm sorry about that, Mr. Shue.

I'd like to get the flyers up before lunch tomorrow.

You know what, guys? I don't want to hear it.

Doing that song is going to kill any chance the Glee Club has.

It's a terrible idea.

I have news for you, Rachel.

Sometimes you have to do things you don't want to do.

We're doing the assembly,

and you're not putting up those flyers.

Everybody loves disco!

It's official.

I'm a dead man.

Look, I know you're nervous,

but you're really, really talented.

Stop it.

I mean, maybe it'll all be okay.

Do you want to practice

for the assembly tomorrow after school?

I can't. I got a Celibacy Club meeting.

Baby, I have some bad news.

A wealthy relative died?

I don't have any wealthy relatives.

Oh.

I've just been pounding the pavement

all week after Glee rehearsal.

I... I can't find any extra work.

That probably means no grand foyer.

Why can't we ever be the ones to catch a break?

No, no. It's going to be okay, baby.

I mean, we don't need a grand foyer to be happy...

No. You know what? I'm so tired of the compromising.

I want my grand foyer, I want my dream house.

I work hard, I sacrifice,

I deserve it.

You know, we give and we give.

Do you think that the big shots

at Sheets N' Things care

that I sell more personal massagers

than any other assistant manager?

No. Or do you think that those kids--

that they give a damn that we go with so little

because you spend all your spare time

choreographing those stupid dance routines?

I mean, when

does anyone start giving back?

(sighs)

(rapid scraping)

I thought you asked Sue to clean up after herself.

Sue got a note from the school nurse claiming

that her lupus made it impossible

to bend over a bucket of suds.

I've been here till 10:00 p.m. every night

up to my elbows in Vamoose.

Any problem with me taking over

one of those nighttime janitorial slots?

I'll work at half salary.

The Celibacy Club is now in session.

Thanks to a school rule

that says we have to let anyone join the club,

we're welcoming a new member this week.

Rachel Whatshername.

Where are all the boys?

Down the hall.

First half hour, we separate.

Then we come together to share our faith.

FINN: I'm still on the fence about the Celibacy Club.

I mean, I only joined to get into Quinn Fabray's pants.

Still, it is a productive way for us guys to get together

and talk about sexual issues.

I think I'm going to kill myself.

I'm serious.

We're bombarded with sexual imagery every day.

Beer ads, those short skirts.

I'm supposed to be surrounded by temptation,

not be able to do anything about it?

Are you kidding?

Those skirts are crunchy toast.

Santana Lopez bent over in hers the other day,

and I swear I could see her ovaries.

God bless the perv that invented these.

Remember the power motto, girls.

ALL: It's all about the teasing and not about the pleasing.

Oh! Back it up like a dump truck,

baby.

So, how far does Quinn let you get anyway?

We grind, make out.

But how do you keep from... arriving early?

Whenever I grind, Cinco de Mayo.

(laughs)

It's not a problem for me, man.

Actually, it's a big problem.

Somebody once told me

that to keep from erupting too early,

you should think of dead kittens and stuff.

But the only image that works for me happened

the day my mom took me out

to practice for my driver's permit.

Pretty good, honey.

Who says a father figure's necessary, huh?

(laughs)

Driving's fun. Yeah.

(grunts) (screams)

Oh, my God!

Oh, my! Oh, my! Oh, my God, you killed him.

What are you gonna do?

Let's pair up for the Immaculate Affection.

Now, remember, if the balloon pops,

the noise makes the angels cry.

(male chorus vocalizing)

(female chorus harmonizing)

You enchant me.

BOY: Yeah.

Stop it! Take it.

Ah, yeah! Oh!

Finn!

It must have hit my zipper.

You know what? This is a joke.

Did you know

that most studies have demonstrated

that celibacy doesn't work in high schools?

Our hormones

are driving us too crazy to abstain.

The second we start telling ourselves

that there's no room for compromise, we act out.

The only way to deal with teen sexuality

is to be prepared.

That's what contraception is for.

Don't you dare mention the "C" word.

You want to know a dirty little secret

that none of them want you to know?

Girls want sex just as much as guys do.

Is-is that accurate?

(scraping)

Will?

Aah... aah.

Emma... what are you doing here so late?

I do SAT prep on Tuesday nights.

Are you, um, are you a janitor?

A ja-- no.

Really?

'Cause you're dressed like a janitor

and your shirt says "Will."

Um... Terri and I are trying to buy a house,

and we're, you know, struggling to make ends meet, and...

(sighs)

I'm really embarrassed.

Would you mind keeping this between us?

Yeah.

Oh, yeah, your secret's completely safe with me.

Thank you.

Do you, um...

Do you want a hand?

Oh, no.

I-I'm good, really.

Really, because, um, I can see from here

that you've used window cleaner to mop the floor.

And, uh, that keyboard is crawling in E coli,

because I know for a fact Ms. Hoffmeyer

doesn't wash her hands after doing number twos.

I really admire you working so hard for something you want.

Let's make a deal.

You're helping me with my problem,

how about I take a stab at one of yours?

Oh, no, I don't,

I don't have a problem.

You've been scrubbing that pencil sharpener for an hour.

Well, I mean, I have,

I have a little trouble with messes,

but it's not like it's a... problem.

Okay.

When I was a little girl,

it was my dream to work on a dairy farm.

Really?

Um, when I was eight,

we finally visited one, and after the tour

and the yogurt tasting, my, my brother

pushed me into the runoff lagoon.

What?

And, um, ever since then I've just...

I've had a little trouble

forgetting the, uh, the smell.

Have you thought about, I don't know,

maybe seeing someone about that?

Oh, no, it's completely manageable.

You know, I just try to take lots of showers

and I, um, you know, I don't eat dairy.

So...

I want to try...

...a little experiment.

Oh, no. No, I'm not really, um, comfortable

with, with... that.

There.

Ten seconds.

New record.

It's late. I should, um...

I should be, um... going.

(gavel banging) I officially

call this meeting of Glee Club in session.

But Mr. Schuester isn't here. Mr. Schuester isn't coming.

I paid a freshman to ask him for help

with irregular verbs. (Mercedes groans)

I'm so sick of hearing you squawk, Eva Peron.

Let her talk.

I have another idea for the assembly.

Can I, once again, stress my most strenuous

objections to this attempted suicide?

They're not going to kill us.

Because we're going to give them what they want.

Blood? Better.

Sex.

(feedback squeaks)

Silence, children.

Silence.

First, an announcement.

The toilets are broken again.

We are fixing the problem, but let me warn you.

There will be zero tolerance

for anyone soiling school grounds.

We're not going to have a repeat of last time.

We have a treat for you guys today.

Mr. Schuester.

Yay, Glee!

Glee kids, hooray!

Hi. Uh, when I went to school here,

Glee Club ruled this place.

And we're on our way back.

But we need some recruits to join the party.

Now, I could tell you all about

how great Glee is, but, uh,

I think I'm going to let some friends of mine

show you instead.

* Get up on this *

("Push It" plays)

* Get up on this * * Ooh, baby, baby *

* Ba-baby, baby *

* Ooh, baby, baby *

* Ba-baby, baby * * Get up on this *

* Push it * * Hey! *

* Get up on this *

* Push it *

* Sa, sa, sa, sa, sa Salt and Pepa's here *

* Get up on this * * Now, wait a minute, y'all. *

* Now, this dance ain't for e'rybody *

* Only the sexy people *

* So all you fly mothers *

* Get on out there and dance *

* Dance, I said *

* Holla! * * Sa-Salt and Pepa's here *

* And we're in effect, want you *

* To push it, babe *

* Coolin' by day, then at night *

* Workin' up a sweat, come on, girls *

* Let's go show the guys that we know *

* How to become number one in a hot party show *

* Now push it *

* Ah... push it *

* Push it good *

* Ah... push it *

* Push it real good *

* Ah... push it *

* Push it good *

* Ah... push it *

* Puh-push it real good *

* Ah... push it *

* Get up on this *

* Hey! *

* Get up on this *

* Yo, baby pop *

* Yeah, you, come here, give me a kiss *

* Better make it fast or else I'm gonna get pissed *

* Can you hear the music pumpin' hard *

* Like I wish you would? *

* Now push it * * Ah... *

* Push it *

* Push it good *

* Ah... push it *

* Push it real good *

* Ah... push it *

* Push it good *

* Ah... push it *

* Puh-push it real good * * Ah... *

* Push it *

* Get up on this * * Ah... push it *

* Get up on this *

* Ow! * * Holla! *

* Get up on this * * Ah... push it *

* Hey! * * Ah... *

* Push it. *

Yes!

(roaring applause)

Let me be the one to break the silence.

That was the most offensive thing I've seen

in 20 years of teaching.

And that includes an elementary school production of Hair.

We received angry e-mails

from a number of concerned parents,

many of whom thought that their children were going to hear

a Special Olympian speak about overcoming adversity.

I... I really don't know what to say.

Well, let me help you out, then.

My first thought

was that your students should be

put into foster care.

(sighs)

But you're the one who should be punished.

I demand your resignation from this school,

as well as the disbanding of Glee Club.

Now, hold on, Sue.

The issue is content.

Those kids are talented.

And I have not seen the student body this excited

since Tiffany performed at the North Hills Mall.

I took the liberty of calling my pastor

to provide a list of family-friendly songs

that reflect our community's values.

Your kids can only perform these preapproved musical selections.

But all these songs have either

"Jesus" or "balloons" in the title.

But they're also songs about the circus.

This egg is sunny-side up, Will.

You need new outfits.

I got several flashes of panty from your group today,

and I'm not talking about the girls.

So, Sue, I'm cutting your dry-cleaning budget

to pay for new costumes for the Glee Club.

This will not stand.

Oh, Sue.

The dry-cleaners here are just as good as the ones

in Europe.

Mr. Schuester, I'm so sorry.

Do you understand what you did today? You lied to me.

And you ruined our chances. No parent in their right mind

is going to let their kid join Glee now.

Oh, and, uh, here's a list

of the songs that we're allowed to sing.

What's a "luftballoon"?

Look, I know how much you care about Glee Club.

And I understand why you did what you did.

But I don't like the way you did it.

They're for Tulip-A-Looza.

It's a tulip festival down

at the Columbus Convention Center.

It's supposed to smell pretty nice.

That's really sweet of you, Ken,

but I have a... asthma.

What are you doing?

Chasing a married guy.

I saw you playing house

with him after hours, Emma.

Look.

I don't know a lot about relationships.

Most of mine are short and flame out once the sex goes,

but I do know you never want to be the rebounder.

I'm a good man, Emma.

I'll treat you right. I'll put up with all your crazy.

They can't fire me 'cause I'm a minority,

so I'll always be able to provide for you.

You could do a lot worse,

and in this town, you're not going to do much better.

Okay, I'm done talking now.

Try it.

* La. *

Good. That was good.

Okay, one more up. (plays higher note)

* La. *

That was really good. Is that okay?

Yeah, it's like the Holy Grail for a baritenor,

so it's a good note.

All right, I'll start

at the bottom, and then we'll go up higher.

Can we take a break?

Singing kind of makes me a little hungry.

Yeah, sure.

Well, lucky I prepared for that.

Wow, I was wondering what that was all about.

Want to sit?

Yeah, yeah.

Absolutely.

I was wondering why you asked me to help you with your singing.

You kicked butt at the assembly.

Well, this is...

my only chance to be,

you know, good like you.

You think I'm good?

Well, when I first joined, I thought you were kind of insane.

I mean, you talk a lot more than you should, and to be honest

with you, I looked under the bed

and made sure that you weren't

hanging out under there.

But then, I heard you sing.

I don't know how to say this,

but you touched something in me.

Right here.

Your heart's on the other

side of your chest.

Oh.

It's beating really hard.

You're cool, Rachel.

Do you want a drink?

Yeah.

Virgin cosmos. Cool.

That stuff you said at the Celibacy Club,

that was really cool.

Thanks.

Well...

Cheers.

Cheers.

The cups are like the airplane cups.

Oh, you got a little cosmo right...

here.

You know, you can kiss me if you want to.

I want to.

What?

(screaming): Oh, my God!

What are you gonna do?!

Did I do something wrong?

No, no. Um... I just got to go.

Look, please don't tell anybody about this, okay?

I don't want my baby to grow an extra arm

just because I live in squalor and I'm so stressed.

So, I want you to run any and all tests you have.

Trust me, you're clear.

Are you sure?

Positive.

Is it a boy or a girl?

Um...

I don't quite know how to put this.

There's no baby.

Did it fall out?

(laughs)

Uh, no. Um...

You're not pregnant.

But I've gained ten pounds.

It's probably from eating. I can see

a chicken wing in there that you must have swallowed whole.

You're having what's called a hysterical pregnancy.

You want a baby so badly that your body mimics the symptoms.

If you're meant to get pregnant, it'll happen.

I have to say, I'm a little surprised you guys are trying in on it.

I'm sure you've read about this in the school paper.

Finn and I have been an item for a while now,

so what kind of girlfriend would I be if I didn't support him?

Well, let's see what you've got.

("Say a Little Prayer for You" plays)

* Say a little prayer for you *

* The moment I wake up *

* Before I put on my makeup *

* Makeup *

* I say a little * * Prayer for you *

* While combing my hair now *

* And wonderin' what dress to wear now *

* Wear now * * I say a little *

* Prayer for you *

* Forever, forever you'll stay in my heart *

* And I will love you *

* Forever and ever *

* We never will part *

* Oh, how I love you *

* Together, together, that's how it must be *

* To live without you *

* Would only mean heartbreak for me *

SUE: Let me get this straight.

You're joining Glee Club?

I'm sorry, Coach Sylvester,

but something is going on between Finn and that thing.

You saw how it was

undressing him with its eyes.

Please don't kick us off the Cheerios.

Cease fire on the waterworks.

I don't want to hear it. I don't want to see it.

You know, Q, when I first laid eyes on you,

I was reminded of a young Sue Sylvester,

though you don't have my bone structure.

But it wasn't until this very moment,

I saw how alike we really are.

You three are going to be my spies.

I need eyes on the inside.

We're going to bring this club down from within.

(chuckles)

And I'm going to get my boyfriend back.

I don't care so much about that.

(school bell rings)

Hey, Emma. Guess what?

I found these new disinfecting bleach wipes.

What do you say?

Boys bathroom in the science wing?

9:00?

Will, what are we doing?

I mean, you're having a baby.

Um, and anyway, uh...

I have a date.

Oh, that's great. Yeah.

Yeah, but, with who?

I'm going to go to Tulip-A-Looza.

With Ken.

There's my man.

Bringing home the bacon.

You... you made dinner.

I thought you'd be asleep.

Well, I wanted to talk to you about something,

so I made you chicken pot pie.

From scratch.

(chuckles)

Terri, that's so thoughtful. I...

(sighs) Yeah, you know,

I've been working so hard lately, some--

Sometimes I forget what I'm doing it for.

Family's what's important to me.

You and the little guy or gal on the way.

I hope you know that.

Yeah.

I'm sorry. What was it you wanted to talk about?

I went to the baby doctor today.

And?

And...

It's a boy.

Oh, my God. Terri, that's amazing. Yeah.

Oh, my God.

Oh!

(laughing)

I want you to give up being a janitor.

What?

Yeah. We don't need a new house.

We'll turn my craft room into a nursery.

It's a compromise that I want to make.

Really?

Yeah.

You know the only project that I want to work on now...

is us.

I love you so much.

You're giving Quinn Fabray the solo?

That's my solo.

You made this happen, Rachel.

You were the one who wanted to sell sex at the assembly.

Quinn's audition song was on Figgins's approved list,

and frankly, she did a heck of a job singing it.

You're punishing me.

Contrary to your beliefs, it's not all about you.

Or, I've realized, about me.

Look, I screwed up, too.

I'm as responsible for what you did at that assembly as you are.

I should never have pushed disco so hard.

When we did it back in '93, the disco revival was in its heyday.

It was cool. We had fun.

And that... that is what Glee is supposed to be about.

If we're going to succeed,

we both need to change our mindsets.

You're not always going to be the star.

But I promise to do my best

to make sure you're always having fun.

This is a good thing, Rachel.

We're on our way..

Can I use the auditorium later to practe?

Our neighbors are filing a lawsuit.

Sure.

("Take a Bow" plays)

* You look so dumb right now *

* Standing outside my house *

* Trying to apologize *

* You're so ugly when you cry *

* Please just cut it out *

* And don't tell me you're sorry 'cause you're not *

* Baby, when I know you're only sorry you got caught *

* But you put on quite a show *

* Ooh * * Really had me going *

* Now it's time to go *

* Oh * * Curtain's finally closing *

* That was quite a show *

* Ooh, oh * * Very entertaining *

* But it's over now *

* But it's over now *

* Go on and take a bow *

* Oh *

* And the award *

* For the best liar *

* Goes to you * * Goes to you *

* For making me believe *

* That you could be *

* Faithful to me * * Faithful *

* Let's hear your speech *

* Oh! * * Well, you put on quite a show *

* Really had me going *

* Now it's time to go *

* Curtain's finally closing *

* That was quite a show *

* Very entertaining *

* But it's over now *

* But it's over now *

* Go on and take a bow *

* But it's over now. *

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