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1
00:00:07,166 --> 00:00:10,135
Mom, Dad, I found cigarettes
in Greg's jacket.
2
00:00:10,236 --> 00:00:12,466
- Greg, were you smoking cigarettes?
- No, Dad.
3
00:00:12,572 --> 00:00:14,472
He's lying. There's no doubt about that.
4
00:00:14,574 --> 00:00:17,941
Greg, I'm afraid your punishment
will be four hours in the snakepit.
5
00:00:18,044 --> 00:00:20,274
That'll give you time to think about
what you did.
6
00:00:20,379 --> 00:00:21,573
Man!
7
00:00:22,281 --> 00:00:23,248
That'll teach him.
8
00:00:23,349 --> 00:00:26,079
Jan, I'm afraid you've earned
a day in the fire chamber...
9
00:00:26,185 --> 00:00:27,846
...for tattling on your brother.
10
00:00:29,288 --> 00:00:32,553
Smoking. How does
a boy like that go so wrong?
11
00:00:32,658 --> 00:00:34,819
- They live in a crummy neighborhood.
- The Bradys?
12
00:00:34,927 --> 00:00:38,158
Yeah. They got robbers, thugs,
drug dealers. You name it.
13
00:00:38,264 --> 00:00:39,731
You folks want some pancakes?
14
00:00:39,832 --> 00:00:43,268
No, thanks. See, that's the worst
we got is Jemima's Witnesses.
15
00:00:44,003 --> 00:00:46,995
"It seems today that all you see
16
00:00:47,340 --> 00:00:50,571
"is violence in movies and sex on TV
17
00:00:50,676 --> 00:00:54,077
"But where are those good,
old-fashioned values
18
00:00:54,180 --> 00:00:56,740
"on which we used to rely?
19
00:00:57,516 --> 00:01:00,485
"Lucky there's a family guy
20
00:01:00,586 --> 00:01:03,714
"Lucky there's a man who'll
positively tell you
21
00:01:03,823 --> 00:01:05,552
"all the things that make us
22
00:01:05,658 --> 00:01:07,148
"laugh 'n' cry
23
00:01:07,260 --> 00:01:11,924
"He's a family guy"
24
00:01:17,603 --> 00:01:20,834
Mom, my lips are too thin.
Can I please get collagen injections?
25
00:01:20,940 --> 00:01:23,408
Meg, you don't need to change
the way you look.
26
00:01:23,509 --> 00:01:26,910
You know, most of the world's problems
stem from poor self-image.
27
00:01:36,422 --> 00:01:39,414
Excellent! The mind-control device
is nearing completion!
28
00:01:39,525 --> 00:01:41,823
Stewie, I said no toys at the table.
29
00:01:41,928 --> 00:01:43,122
Damn you, vile woman!
30
00:01:43,229 --> 00:01:46,596
You've impeded my work since the day
I escaped from your wretched womb.
31
00:01:46,699 --> 00:01:49,759
Don't pout, honey. When you were born...
32
00:01:49,869 --> 00:01:53,430
...the doctor said you were
the happiest looking baby he'd ever seen.
33
00:01:53,539 --> 00:01:57,635
But, of course. That was my victory day.
The fruition of my deeply-laid plans...
34
00:01:57,743 --> 00:02:01,941
...to escape from that cursed ovarian
bastille! Return the device, woman!
35
00:02:02,048 --> 00:02:03,572
No toys, Stewie.
36
00:02:03,683 --> 00:02:04,650
Very well, then.
37
00:02:04,750 --> 00:02:08,686
Mark my words, when you least expect it,
your uppance will come!
38
00:02:10,756 --> 00:02:12,121
Mom, can I turn the heat up?
39
00:02:12,224 --> 00:02:15,284
Don't touch the thermostat, Meg.
Your father gets upset.
40
00:02:15,394 --> 00:02:17,385
Come on. This thing goes up to 90.
41
00:02:17,496 --> 00:02:18,428
Who touched the thermostat?
42
00:02:18,531 --> 00:02:20,089
God, how does he always know?
43
00:02:20,199 --> 00:02:22,394
Brain implant, Meg. Every father's got one.
44
00:02:22,501 --> 00:02:24,401
Tells you when the kids mess with the dial.
45
00:02:24,503 --> 00:02:26,471
My thing went off!
Your thermostat okay?
46
00:02:26,572 --> 00:02:28,472
- Yeah, it's all right.
- Is my kid over here?
47
00:02:28,574 --> 00:02:29,632
Forget it! False alarm!
48
00:02:30,309 --> 00:02:31,970
Ass ahoy.
49
00:02:32,078 --> 00:02:35,570
Peter, it's 7:00 and you've still got
your pants on. What's the occasion?
50
00:02:35,681 --> 00:02:37,239
He's going to a stag party.
51
00:02:37,350 --> 00:02:40,012
Lois, I work hard all week
to provide for this family.
52
00:02:40,119 --> 00:02:41,347
I am the man of the house.
53
00:02:41,454 --> 00:02:44,651
As the man, I order you
to give me permission to go to this party.
54
00:02:44,757 --> 00:02:48,386
Look, at least promise me you won't drink.
Alcohol always leads to trouble.
55
00:02:48,794 --> 00:02:50,523
Come on. You're worrying about nothing.
56
00:02:50,696 --> 00:02:54,359
Remember when you got drunk
off the Communion wine at church?
57
00:02:54,800 --> 00:02:57,769
And so the Lord God smote poor Job...
58
00:02:57,903 --> 00:03:00,235
...with festering boils all over his body.
59
00:03:00,339 --> 00:03:02,500
Man, I hate it when he tells this story.
60
00:03:02,641 --> 00:03:06,805
Yet, miraculously,
Job was still able to retain his dignity.
61
00:03:06,912 --> 00:03:10,245
- Is that really the blood of Christ?
- Yes.
62
00:03:10,483 --> 00:03:13,475
Man, that guy must've been wasted
24 hours a day.
63
00:03:14,153 --> 00:03:16,849
And then there was that time
at the ice cream store.
64
00:03:17,289 --> 00:03:19,587
Butter Rum's my favorite.
65
00:03:21,694 --> 00:03:24,925
Remember you had an Irish coffee
the day we went to see Philadelphia?
66
00:03:30,736 --> 00:03:34,297
I got it. That's the guy from Big.
Tom Hanks, that's it.
67
00:03:34,540 --> 00:03:37,475
Funny guy, Tom Hanks.
Everything he says is a stitch.
68
00:03:37,576 --> 00:03:38,838
I have AIDS.
69
00:03:40,679 --> 00:03:42,977
- Promise me, Peter.
- Lois, honey, I promise.
70
00:03:43,082 --> 00:03:45,915
Not a drop of alcohol is gonna touch
these lips tonight.
71
00:03:46,018 --> 00:03:47,918
Who wants to play Drink The Beer?
72
00:03:48,020 --> 00:03:49,419
Right here.
73
00:03:49,522 --> 00:03:51,114
- You win.
- All right. What do I win?
74
00:03:51,223 --> 00:03:52,281
Another beer!
75
00:03:52,391 --> 00:03:53,949
I'm going for the high score!
76
00:03:54,060 --> 00:03:56,290
Actually, Charlie's got the high score.
77
00:03:56,395 --> 00:03:58,260
Man. Your clock won't flush.
78
00:03:59,365 --> 00:04:02,357
I feel kind of bad, guys.
I promised my wife I wouldn't drink.
79
00:04:02,468 --> 00:04:05,369
- Don't feel bad, Peter.
- Gee. I never thought of it like that.
80
00:04:05,604 --> 00:04:06,832
Did you bring the porno?
81
00:04:06,939 --> 00:04:10,568
Did I bring the porno?
You're gonna love it. It's a classic.
82
00:04:11,210 --> 00:04:13,110
Listen, Ilsa. If I take this thing out...
83
00:04:13,212 --> 00:04:16,204
...and you're not on it, you'll regret it.
Not today or tomorrow.
84
00:04:16,315 --> 00:04:18,283
But soon, and for the rest of your life.
85
00:04:18,384 --> 00:04:20,045
Come on, llsa! Get on it!
86
00:04:23,322 --> 00:04:25,517
The statue was a gift from France.
87
00:04:25,624 --> 00:04:26,784
What is this?
88
00:04:26,892 --> 00:04:29,690
Man. My kid must've taped
over this for history class.
89
00:04:30,963 --> 00:04:33,488
The Statue of Liberty?
What are we gonna do?
90
00:04:33,599 --> 00:04:37,933
- Boys, we're gonna drink till she's hot.
- That's just crazy enough to work.
91
00:04:43,642 --> 00:04:45,269
Meg, finish your pancakes.
92
00:04:45,377 --> 00:04:48,107
- Chris, elbows off your father.
- Thanks, son.
93
00:04:48,214 --> 00:04:51,980
37 beers. You're setting
a great example for the kids, Peter.
94
00:04:52,084 --> 00:04:55,212
Yeah. A new family record.
Way to raise the bar, Dad.
95
00:04:55,321 --> 00:04:57,312
Chris, you're 13. Don't talk like that.
96
00:04:57,423 --> 00:04:59,983
Kids, Daddy only drank
so the Statue of Liberty...
97
00:05:00,092 --> 00:05:01,491
...would take her clothes off.
98
00:05:01,594 --> 00:05:05,086
- What did you promise me last night?
- I wouldn't drink at the stag party.
99
00:05:05,197 --> 00:05:08,064
- And what did you do?
- Drank at the stag...
100
00:05:08,167 --> 00:05:11,227
I almost walked right into that one. God!
101
00:05:11,337 --> 00:05:14,397
Feels like accountants
are cranking adding machines in my head.
102
00:05:18,878 --> 00:05:21,745
Dick, you ever wonder
what's outside those walls?
103
00:05:21,847 --> 00:05:24,816
That's dangerous thinking, Paul.
You best stick to your work.
104
00:05:24,917 --> 00:05:25,884
Okay.
105
00:05:26,619 --> 00:05:30,680
You see? A hangover is nature's way
of telling you I was right. I mean...
106
00:05:30,789 --> 00:05:32,654
Mom, are you all right?
107
00:05:32,758 --> 00:05:36,455
My goodness.
This chair leg was loose. Isn't that silly?
108
00:05:36,562 --> 00:05:38,553
I could've broken my neck.
109
00:05:38,731 --> 00:05:39,789
Damn!
110
00:05:41,400 --> 00:05:43,834
Honey. I took a cab home,
I slept on the table...
111
00:05:43,936 --> 00:05:46,234
...so I wouldn't wake you up.
Nothing bad happened.
112
00:05:46,338 --> 00:05:48,169
I guess you're right.
113
00:05:48,274 --> 00:05:50,936
Apology accepted.
All right, I'm going to work.
114
00:05:51,043 --> 00:05:52,806
Somebody's gotta put food on this table.
115
00:05:56,482 --> 00:05:57,813
How are you coming, Johnson?
116
00:05:57,917 --> 00:06:00,249
Mr. Weed, I've been working
on the new G.I. Jew line.
117
00:06:00,352 --> 00:06:02,513
And as you can see, they look great.
118
00:06:02,621 --> 00:06:03,645
You call these bagels?
119
00:06:03,756 --> 00:06:06,054
I'm glad he's on our side!
120
00:06:08,460 --> 00:06:09,552
Peter!
What?
121
00:06:09,662 --> 00:06:10,856
Are you sleeping on the job?
122
00:06:10,963 --> 00:06:14,126
No. There's a bug in my eye
and I'm trying to suffocate him.
123
00:06:14,233 --> 00:06:18,067
Peter, I like you. But I need you to be
more than just eye candy around here.
124
00:06:18,170 --> 00:06:21,298
It's your job to watch for toys
that could be hazardous to kids.
125
00:06:21,407 --> 00:06:23,637
- Now, look sharp!
- Yes, sir!
126
00:06:35,487 --> 00:06:40,151
And now back to Action News 5.
Our top story tonight, "When Toys Attack."
127
00:06:40,259 --> 00:06:41,886
Quite a situation we've got here, Tom.
128
00:06:41,994 --> 00:06:44,360
Quite a situation we've got here, Tom,
indeed, Diane.
129
00:06:44,463 --> 00:06:47,364
The Happy-Go-Lucky Toy Company
of Quahog, Rhode Island...
130
00:06:47,466 --> 00:06:50,526
...has released highly unsafe
products into the retail market.
131
00:06:50,903 --> 00:06:52,996
Come on, Timmy! Throw the Silly Ball!
132
00:06:54,873 --> 00:06:56,898
Boy! A Pound Poochie!
133
00:06:58,110 --> 00:07:00,601
Come on, Baby Heimlich, spit it out.
134
00:07:03,282 --> 00:07:04,374
Peter, I'm appalled.
135
00:07:04,483 --> 00:07:07,316
Your negligence has damaged
this company's reputation.
136
00:07:07,419 --> 00:07:08,408
You're fired!
137
00:07:08,520 --> 00:07:09,714
Jeez. For how long?
138
00:07:12,291 --> 00:07:13,781
My God! You got fired?
139
00:07:13,892 --> 00:07:17,521
- Way to go, Dad! Fight the machine!
- How do you know about the machine?
140
00:07:17,630 --> 00:07:20,360
Don't worry.
I'll still put food on this table.
141
00:07:20,466 --> 00:07:23,026
Just not as much.
So it might get a little competitive.
142
00:07:23,135 --> 00:07:27,663
Who cares about food? Now we'll never
be able to afford my lip injections!
143
00:07:27,806 --> 00:07:30,172
Can we put her
out in the yard for a while?
144
00:07:30,276 --> 00:07:32,267
Okay, who's hungry?
145
00:07:32,745 --> 00:07:35,077
Jeez. How the hell
am I gonna break this to Lois?
146
00:07:35,180 --> 00:07:38,707
If she finds out I got fired for drinking,
she's gonna blame me!
147
00:07:38,817 --> 00:07:42,275
Lie to her. It's okay to lie
to women. They're not people like us.
148
00:07:42,388 --> 00:07:44,879
I don't know. Hey, where's the other guy?
149
00:07:46,125 --> 00:07:48,753
Come on, you bastard! I'm late for work.
150
00:07:48,861 --> 00:07:49,987
This is perfect!
151
00:07:50,562 --> 00:07:52,792
Look, I don't want your mom to worry,
all right?
152
00:07:52,898 --> 00:07:55,298
When she worries, she says,
"I told you so" and:
153
00:07:55,401 --> 00:07:59,303
"Stop doing that. I'm asleep."
So I'm just gonna tell a little lie, okay?
154
00:07:59,405 --> 00:08:01,737
Not a word to your mom
about me getting canned.
155
00:08:01,840 --> 00:08:03,239
What's that, Peter?
156
00:08:03,342 --> 00:08:06,334
- Nothing. The lost-my-job smells great.
- What?
157
00:08:06,445 --> 00:08:09,437
Meg, honey, can you pass
the fired-my-ass-for-negligence?
158
00:08:09,548 --> 00:08:11,209
Peter, are you feeling okay?
159
00:08:11,317 --> 00:08:13,979
I feel great!
I haven't got a job in the world.
160
00:08:14,086 --> 00:08:15,713
All right, then let's eat.
161
00:08:15,821 --> 00:08:18,517
I know you all hate eggplant, but...
162
00:08:19,658 --> 00:08:21,523
What on earth was that?
163
00:08:23,996 --> 00:08:26,692
What the deuce are you staring at?
It's tuna fish...
164
00:08:27,099 --> 00:08:28,191
...and nothing else.
165
00:08:32,638 --> 00:08:34,071
How's your job search going?
166
00:08:34,173 --> 00:08:37,438
It sucks, Brian. I've already
been through two jobs this week.
167
00:08:37,543 --> 00:08:39,067
I got fired off of that commercial.
168
00:08:39,178 --> 00:08:41,840
Try it again.
"I'm caca for Cocoa Puffs."
169
00:08:41,947 --> 00:08:43,676
No, damn it! Take 26!
170
00:08:44,149 --> 00:08:47,550
Then I had that job as the sneeze guard
for that restaurant's salad bar.
171
00:08:50,222 --> 00:08:51,382
Take it outside, lady.
172
00:08:51,724 --> 00:08:53,817
I thought I could win money
in that talent show.
173
00:08:54,193 --> 00:08:57,629
And the prize goes
to The von Trapp Family Singers!
174
00:08:57,930 --> 00:08:59,022
That is bull...
175
00:09:01,500 --> 00:09:03,365
Peter, I know it's a dangerous precedent...
176
00:09:03,469 --> 00:09:05,699
...but you might want to tell Lois the truth.
177
00:09:05,804 --> 00:09:08,932
What? That I can't provide for my family?
That she's always right?
178
00:09:09,041 --> 00:09:11,475
That I didn't stand up to a tank
in Tiananmen Square?
179
00:09:16,048 --> 00:09:18,949
Screw this!
I just came over to buy some fireworks!
180
00:09:19,485 --> 00:09:21,783
You can't keep lying to her
about losing your job.
181
00:09:21,887 --> 00:09:24,515
Eventually, she'll find out
where you're going every day.
182
00:09:24,623 --> 00:09:25,555
Yeah.
183
00:09:28,794 --> 00:09:31,354
Yeah, you're right.
Okay, I'll tell her tonight.
184
00:09:48,147 --> 00:09:49,637
Victory is mine!
185
00:09:50,048 --> 00:09:51,982
I'll need the checkbook
in the morning.
186
00:09:52,084 --> 00:09:54,109
I'm going to Stop 'N Shop
for some sweet corn.
187
00:09:54,219 --> 00:09:55,880
You're spending money on food again?
188
00:09:55,988 --> 00:09:57,615
Lois, we just had dinner.
189
00:09:57,723 --> 00:10:01,853
I enjoyed it so much,
I thought we'd eat again tomorrow.
190
00:10:01,960 --> 00:10:04,554
Since when are you so concerned
about our food budget?
191
00:10:04,663 --> 00:10:05,857
I just...
192
00:10:05,964 --> 00:10:09,127
Lois, this is really hard for me to say, but...
193
00:10:09,234 --> 00:10:11,031
What is it, Peter?
194
00:10:12,171 --> 00:10:14,298
- You're getting kind of fat.
- What?
195
00:10:14,406 --> 00:10:16,670
It's just... It's not healthy.
196
00:10:16,775 --> 00:10:20,074
Peter, I do my Jane Fonda workout tape
three times a week.
197
00:10:20,179 --> 00:10:22,044
When was the last time you saw your toes?
198
00:10:22,147 --> 00:10:24,638
I thought you people were
supposed to be jolly.
199
00:10:24,750 --> 00:10:27,048
Peter, what the hell is the matter with you?
200
00:10:27,152 --> 00:10:30,246
Honey, if there's something wrong,
you can tell me.
201
00:10:30,389 --> 00:10:34,257
- Sorry, man. Am I late? What did I miss?
- Thank God you're here. What do I do?
202
00:10:34,359 --> 00:10:36,589
Tell him to keep quiet. He's in too deep.
203
00:10:36,695 --> 00:10:38,287
I don't know.
204
00:10:38,630 --> 00:10:39,756
Where's the other guy?
205
00:10:41,066 --> 00:10:42,590
This is unbelievable!
206
00:10:43,635 --> 00:10:46,900
I promise you, everything's fine.
You got nothing to worry about.
207
00:10:47,005 --> 00:10:50,168
Well, well, Mother!
We meet again!
208
00:10:50,275 --> 00:10:52,800
Stewie, I thought
I tucked you in an hour ago.
209
00:10:52,911 --> 00:10:56,039
Not tightly enough it would seem.
And now you contemptible harpy...
210
00:10:56,148 --> 00:10:58,616
...I shall end your reign
of matriarchal tyranny.
211
00:10:58,717 --> 00:11:00,651
You can play tomorrow, honey.
212
00:11:00,752 --> 00:11:02,242
Right now it's bedtime.
213
00:11:02,921 --> 00:11:05,321
Blast you and your estrogenical treachery!
214
00:11:05,424 --> 00:11:06,721
Sweet dreams, kiddo.
215
00:11:06,825 --> 00:11:08,190
You have the power to end this!
216
00:11:11,296 --> 00:11:12,661
How'd she take it?
217
00:11:12,764 --> 00:11:14,629
I told her she was fat.
218
00:11:14,733 --> 00:11:15,995
No.
219
00:11:16,702 --> 00:11:18,499
I hate lying to Lois. It's just...
220
00:11:18,604 --> 00:11:20,697
It's the best way
to keep her from the truth.
221
00:11:20,806 --> 00:11:23,274
You have no choice.
Your unemployment will dry up soon.
222
00:11:23,375 --> 00:11:26,811
She'll probably sense something's amiss
when they repossess your house.
223
00:11:26,912 --> 00:11:29,142
You really oughta think
of your family's welfare.
224
00:11:29,248 --> 00:11:30,715
Jeez, Brian! That's a great idea!
225
00:11:32,918 --> 00:11:37,116
Okay, do you have any disabilities,
past injuries, physical anomalies?
226
00:11:37,890 --> 00:11:40,518
I didn't have gas
for the first time until I was 30.
227
00:11:45,030 --> 00:11:46,895
What the hell was that?
228
00:11:48,467 --> 00:11:51,800
Guys, our money problems
are over! We're officially on welfare.
229
00:11:51,904 --> 00:11:54,338
Come on, help me scatter car parts
on the front lawn.
230
00:11:54,439 --> 00:11:55,599
How much are we getting?
231
00:11:55,707 --> 00:11:57,971
Let's see. $150 a week.
232
00:11:58,477 --> 00:12:00,206
Wait. That's a comma, not a decimal.
233
00:12:02,347 --> 00:12:03,336
Whoops.
234
00:12:03,715 --> 00:12:05,979
No, I haven't seen Peter all afternoon.
235
00:12:06,084 --> 00:12:07,676
I was giving a piano lesson.
236
00:12:08,520 --> 00:12:10,750
Stewie, why don't you play
in the other room?
237
00:12:10,856 --> 00:12:12,187
Why don't you burn in hell?
238
00:12:12,991 --> 00:12:14,652
No dessert for you, young man.
239
00:12:15,227 --> 00:12:17,695
Who would've thought getting drunk
would get me...
240
00:12:17,796 --> 00:12:20,663
...$150,000 a week from the government?
241
00:12:20,799 --> 00:12:22,061
This is why I don't vote.
242
00:12:22,167 --> 00:12:24,431
Maybe somebody down there
was drinking, too.
243
00:12:24,870 --> 00:12:27,964
Mr. President, why do you think
the public supports you...
244
00:12:28,073 --> 00:12:29,768
...during these impeachment proceedings?
245
00:12:29,875 --> 00:12:31,342
Probably because you're so fat.
246
00:12:33,278 --> 00:12:35,075
Peter, you might want to call
the Welfare Commission.
247
00:12:35,180 --> 00:12:37,080
That check is obviously an oversight.
248
00:12:37,182 --> 00:12:40,709
Not necessarily. Maybe I'm like
their one millionth customer.
249
00:12:40,819 --> 00:12:42,878
What?
You're gonna spend $150,000 a week?
250
00:12:42,988 --> 00:12:45,047
- Yeah.
- On what?
251
00:12:45,624 --> 00:12:49,924
Oh, my God!
Peter, you bought the statue of David?
252
00:12:50,028 --> 00:12:52,519
No. I just rented it.
But they're gonna be ticked.
253
00:12:52,631 --> 00:12:55,259
The penis broke off
while I was loading it into the car.
254
00:12:58,337 --> 00:13:00,134
I shall call you "Eduardo."
255
00:13:00,439 --> 00:13:02,134
Peter, how can we afford this?
256
00:13:02,240 --> 00:13:04,208
You won't believe it, Mom! Dad's getting...
257
00:13:04,309 --> 00:13:05,401
A big raise!
258
00:13:05,510 --> 00:13:07,171
Peter, that's wonderful!
259
00:13:07,279 --> 00:13:08,268
But, Dad, I thought...
260
00:13:08,380 --> 00:13:11,611
The kind of raise that'll allow me
to give my kids a big allowance...
261
00:13:11,717 --> 00:13:14,242
...just for keeping their big mouths shut.
Come on, guys.
262
00:13:14,353 --> 00:13:16,787
I'll buy us
the most expensive meal we've ever had.
263
00:13:17,889 --> 00:13:20,915
Yeah.
I'd like 6,000 chicken fa-ji-tas, please.
264
00:13:21,026 --> 00:13:21,993
I beg your pardon?
265
00:13:22,094 --> 00:13:24,085
6,000 chicken fa-ji-tas.
266
00:13:24,196 --> 00:13:25,993
And a "So-sage" McBiscuit, please.
267
00:13:27,899 --> 00:13:29,696
Peter, what's the big surprise?
268
00:13:29,801 --> 00:13:32,770
You know how I always said
you should be treated like a queen?
269
00:13:32,871 --> 00:13:34,771
I got you your own jester.
270
00:13:35,941 --> 00:13:37,670
Good to be here in New England.
271
00:13:37,776 --> 00:13:39,835
And what's the deal
with "New" England anyway?
272
00:13:39,945 --> 00:13:44,245
It's over 200 years old!
Last time I checked, that's not that new.
273
00:13:48,887 --> 00:13:49,854
This is great.
274
00:13:49,955 --> 00:13:53,584
I can finally afford to give my little girl
the lips she's always dreamed of.
275
00:13:53,692 --> 00:13:55,421
Thank you, Daddy!
276
00:13:56,895 --> 00:13:58,658
I don't know, Peter. Lips are one thing.
277
00:13:58,764 --> 00:14:01,528
But did you have to buy
breast implants for Chris?
278
00:14:01,633 --> 00:14:02,759
It makes him happy.
279
00:14:02,868 --> 00:14:04,597
These are cool.
280
00:14:08,206 --> 00:14:09,696
When did you get a pool?
281
00:14:09,808 --> 00:14:11,207
It's a moat.
282
00:14:11,309 --> 00:14:12,298
I know it's silly...
283
00:14:12,411 --> 00:14:15,847
...but my husband thinks our family
needs extra protection now that...
284
00:14:15,947 --> 00:14:17,312
...we're rich.
285
00:14:17,416 --> 00:14:18,440
Does it work?
286
00:14:18,550 --> 00:14:21,144
It does keep the Black Knight at bay.
287
00:14:25,390 --> 00:14:29,156
Congratulations in all your success.
Here's your welfare check.
288
00:14:29,661 --> 00:14:30,628
What the...
289
00:14:35,467 --> 00:14:36,832
Hi, honey.
290
00:14:38,804 --> 00:14:39,828
What?
291
00:14:39,938 --> 00:14:43,738
I know what I did was wrong.
But I only did it for you and the kids.
292
00:14:43,842 --> 00:14:46,709
Except for the jukebox in the bathroom.
That was for Peter.
293
00:14:46,812 --> 00:14:50,976
Yeah, from the American taxpayers.
I am so mad I can't see straight.
294
00:14:51,083 --> 00:14:53,074
No problem.
We got money to get that fixed...
295
00:14:53,185 --> 00:14:57,588
...with enough left for us to buy our way
out of any trouble our kids might get into.
296
00:14:57,689 --> 00:14:58,815
Just like the Kennedys.
297
00:14:58,924 --> 00:15:01,518
I feel like I don't
even know you anymore, Peter.
298
00:15:01,626 --> 00:15:04,459
The man I married would never think
he could fix a problem...
299
00:15:04,563 --> 00:15:06,087
...just by spending money!
300
00:15:07,365 --> 00:15:08,923
Boy, she's pretty pissed.
301
00:15:09,034 --> 00:15:11,366
Who thought fraud
would be one of her buttons?
302
00:15:11,470 --> 00:15:14,803
Why have a jukebox
in the john if your wife's mad at you?
303
00:15:14,906 --> 00:15:17,670
Peter, you may have to return
that money to the taxpayers.
304
00:15:17,776 --> 00:15:19,971
But I gotta make sure
Lois knows I'm doing it.
305
00:15:20,078 --> 00:15:21,909
I need an event with thousands of people.
306
00:15:22,013 --> 00:15:24,038
Something that everybody cares about.
307
00:15:25,484 --> 00:15:27,418
We might have to leave
Rhode Island for this.
308
00:15:27,986 --> 00:15:31,888
The air is electric here
at Super Bowl XXXIII tonight!
309
00:15:31,990 --> 00:15:34,925
Pat, it's safe to say that all
these fans came out here...
310
00:15:35,026 --> 00:15:37,017
...to watch a game of football!
311
00:15:37,129 --> 00:15:39,120
John, we're in commercial.
312
00:15:39,231 --> 00:15:42,928
Yeah, I know.
I'm just making conversation. Come on.
313
00:15:43,902 --> 00:15:45,062
Football!
314
00:15:47,506 --> 00:15:51,101
Amazing. You can barely drive a car.
Yet you were allowed to fly a blimp?
315
00:15:51,209 --> 00:15:53,871
Yeah, America's great, isn't it?
Except for the South.
316
00:15:53,979 --> 00:15:55,742
Boy, I hope Lois is watching.
317
00:15:55,847 --> 00:15:58,008
Okay, taxpayers, here you go!
318
00:15:59,851 --> 00:16:02,513
Looks like we're getting some rain
here tonight, John.
319
00:16:02,621 --> 00:16:06,079
Yeah. Hey, wait a second!
This is no ordinary rain!
320
00:16:06,391 --> 00:16:08,484
It's some kind of crazy money rain!
321
00:16:08,593 --> 00:16:11,994
I'm being told it's a man and his dog
throwing cash out of a blimp.
322
00:16:12,097 --> 00:16:15,863
Man. I hope this works. Otherwise,
I'm gonna have to start dropping these.
323
00:16:20,772 --> 00:16:23,900
The crowd is storming the field!
This is pandemonium!
324
00:16:24,009 --> 00:16:26,603
Have you ever seen anything like this, Pat?
325
00:16:27,746 --> 00:16:31,807
Just once. The 1975 Cotton Bowl.
This is the old "trying to make amends...
326
00:16:31,917 --> 00:16:35,717
"...for spending $150,000 a week
in misappropriated welfare funds" play.
327
00:16:35,821 --> 00:16:40,554
I don't care what it is! That guy's ruining
a perfectly good game of football!
328
00:16:40,692 --> 00:16:42,956
- Madden to Fox Security.
- Go ahead.
329
00:16:43,061 --> 00:16:44,858
Take them down!
Yes, sir.
330
00:16:54,039 --> 00:16:55,131
How was your shower?
331
00:16:55,240 --> 00:16:58,141
I tell you, all of the rumors
about dropping the soap are true.
332
00:16:58,243 --> 00:16:59,232
Really?
333
00:16:59,344 --> 00:17:01,539
You can't hold onto that thing
to save your life.
334
00:17:01,646 --> 00:17:03,910
It was slipping everywhere.
Guys were laughing.
335
00:17:04,015 --> 00:17:06,176
There's the guy
that couldn't hold the soap.
336
00:17:06,284 --> 00:17:07,911
That was classic.
337
00:17:08,553 --> 00:17:10,919
Boy. I really let Lois down this time.
338
00:17:11,022 --> 00:17:12,319
Do you think she'll wait for me?
339
00:17:12,424 --> 00:17:13,982
If every woman dumped her husband...
340
00:17:14,092 --> 00:17:16,788
...for crashing a blimp,
no one would be married.
341
00:17:16,895 --> 00:17:19,295
Yeah, you're right.
Okay, I got the top bunk.
342
00:17:22,267 --> 00:17:24,792
My collagen is wearing off.
343
00:17:24,903 --> 00:17:27,303
Honey, sagging lips are just nature's way...
344
00:17:27,405 --> 00:17:30,397
...of telling you you shouldn't
cover for your father's lie.
345
00:17:30,508 --> 00:17:33,705
What does it mean when your armpits
cry stinky tears?
346
00:17:33,812 --> 00:17:35,871
It means you're becoming a man.
347
00:17:35,981 --> 00:17:39,712
But hopefully not the kind who stays out
all day and doesn't call...
348
00:17:39,818 --> 00:17:42,343
...like your father
who shall remain nameless.
349
00:17:42,454 --> 00:17:45,287
Hello, Mother.
Hi there, sweetie.
350
00:17:45,390 --> 00:17:47,950
You know, Mother,
life is like a box of chocolates.
351
00:17:48,059 --> 00:17:50,323
You never know what you're going to get.
352
00:17:50,428 --> 00:17:53,090
Your life, however,
is more like a box of active grenades!
353
00:17:54,699 --> 00:17:57,668
Now, I offer one last chance
for deliverance.
354
00:17:57,769 --> 00:18:00,829
Return my mind-control device
or be destroyed.
355
00:18:01,640 --> 00:18:04,404
You just want your toy back.
356
00:18:04,509 --> 00:18:06,204
Okay, here you go, honey.
357
00:18:07,078 --> 00:18:09,273
Yes... Well, victory is mine!
358
00:18:13,418 --> 00:18:14,612
Damn you all!
359
00:18:16,321 --> 00:18:17,447
Hello?
360
00:18:18,256 --> 00:18:19,621
Oh, my God!
361
00:18:25,196 --> 00:18:27,096
Lois, am I glad to see you.
362
00:18:27,198 --> 00:18:29,063
I have nothing to say to you, Peter.
363
00:18:29,167 --> 00:18:31,294
I gave the money back.
Why are you still steamed?
364
00:18:31,403 --> 00:18:34,804
Peter, you lied to me,
you betrayed my trust.
365
00:18:34,906 --> 00:18:37,204
Compared to that,
welfare fraud doesn't even matter.
366
00:18:37,309 --> 00:18:40,278
Really?
Let's hope the judge feels that way.
367
00:18:41,413 --> 00:18:43,108
This court will come to order.
368
00:18:43,915 --> 00:18:46,383
I figured the sooner I cashed the check...
369
00:18:46,484 --> 00:18:49,248
...the sooner they'd catch their mistake.
370
00:18:49,621 --> 00:18:51,521
Why are we making a federal case
out of this?
371
00:18:51,623 --> 00:18:54,148
Don't you think you should
have alerted the government...
372
00:18:54,259 --> 00:18:55,556
...of such a gross overpayment?
373
00:18:55,660 --> 00:18:58,925
I was gonna call them.
But my favorite episode...
374
00:18:59,030 --> 00:19:02,056
...of Different Strokes was on.
The one where Arnold and Dudley...
375
00:19:02,167 --> 00:19:04,499
...get sexually molested
by the bike shop owner?
376
00:19:04,970 --> 00:19:07,803
All right. Now I want you boys
to scream real loud at my ass.
377
00:19:08,173 --> 00:19:10,607
And everybody learns a valuable lesson.
378
00:19:10,709 --> 00:19:12,404
Mr. Griffin, have you learned a lesson?
379
00:19:12,510 --> 00:19:15,035
Yes. Stay the hell away
from that bike shop.
380
00:19:17,182 --> 00:19:20,743
Okay, everybody, I feel really bad
about what I did. I just...
381
00:19:20,852 --> 00:19:22,376
I don't know. I saw the one chance...
382
00:19:22,487 --> 00:19:25,684
...l'd ever have to give my family
the things they deserve.
383
00:19:25,790 --> 00:19:28,020
I guess I screwed it up.
I cheated the government.
384
00:19:28,126 --> 00:19:30,617
And worst of all, I lied to my wife.
385
00:19:31,029 --> 00:19:32,656
And she deserves better.
386
00:19:32,764 --> 00:19:34,197
I'm sorry, honey.
387
00:19:34,299 --> 00:19:37,234
Mr. Griffin, I think your words
have touched us all.
388
00:19:37,335 --> 00:19:39,462
I'm sentencing you to 24 months in prison.
389
00:19:39,804 --> 00:19:40,793
No!
390
00:19:40,905 --> 00:19:41,963
- No!
- No!
391
00:19:42,073 --> 00:19:42,971
No!
392
00:19:43,074 --> 00:19:44,041
Yeah!
393
00:19:50,715 --> 00:19:52,910
Excuse me, Your Honor?
Yes?
394
00:19:53,018 --> 00:19:56,351
Look, my husband may be
a bit thoughtless at times.
395
00:19:56,454 --> 00:19:59,946
He may even be downright stupid.
396
00:20:00,058 --> 00:20:02,390
But I know he only accepted that money...
397
00:20:02,494 --> 00:20:05,395
...because he wanted to be
a good husband and father.
398
00:20:05,930 --> 00:20:08,558
But what he needs to remember
is that we love him.
399
00:20:08,666 --> 00:20:11,567
And no matter what,
I'll always stand by him.
400
00:20:11,669 --> 00:20:13,500
I love you too, honey.
401
00:20:13,671 --> 00:20:17,573
That was very moving, Mrs. Griffin.
Okay, you can go to jail with him!
402
00:20:17,675 --> 00:20:18,642
What?
403
00:20:18,743 --> 00:20:22,770
24 months in prison? Unacceptable!
Intolerable as it may be...
404
00:20:22,881 --> 00:20:26,180
...l'm completely dependent upon
those wretched drones for sustenance.
405
00:20:26,284 --> 00:20:29,344
Let us see how the constitution
of American justice fares...
406
00:20:29,454 --> 00:20:31,285
...against the device!
407
00:20:41,032 --> 00:20:42,294
Is that your boy?
408
00:20:42,400 --> 00:20:44,231
What? Yeah. That's Stewie.
409
00:20:44,335 --> 00:20:49,170
Gosh. I can't separate a kid that young
from his father. It's unjudgmenly.
410
00:20:49,274 --> 00:20:51,401
- Hell, you've learned your lesson, right?
- Yeah.
411
00:20:51,509 --> 00:20:54,569
- All right. You're free.
- Wow! Can you give me my job back?
412
00:20:54,679 --> 00:20:55,668
No.
413
00:20:56,314 --> 00:20:58,077
- Yes.
- All right!
414
00:21:02,520 --> 00:21:04,078
That was a crazy one, Dick.
415
00:21:04,189 --> 00:21:07,352
It sure was. In this next blooper
from Joanie Loves Chachi...
416
00:21:07,459 --> 00:21:09,757
...watch what happens when Scott Baio
tries to say:
417
00:21:09,861 --> 00:21:11,954
"She sells seashells
down by the seashore."
418
00:21:12,063 --> 00:21:13,462
What does your mom do?
419
00:21:13,565 --> 00:21:15,055
She sells seashells down by the...
420
00:21:17,035 --> 00:21:18,559
That is kind of a tongue twister.
421
00:21:18,670 --> 00:21:20,729
It's good to have you home, Peter.
422
00:21:20,839 --> 00:21:23,137
Honey, I knew everything
would turn out okay.
423
00:21:23,241 --> 00:21:24,674
I sure am gonna miss being rich.
424
00:21:24,776 --> 00:21:26,744
Don't worry.
I got a way to get money.
425
00:21:26,845 --> 00:21:28,369
Not another welfare scam?
426
00:21:28,480 --> 00:21:30,641
No. Minority scholarship.
427
00:21:37,789 --> 00:21:40,019
No.
Are you insane?
428
00:21:40,125 --> 00:21:42,889
Okay, I mean sexual harassment suit.
429
00:21:44,062 --> 00:21:45,324
No.
Don't think so.
430
00:21:45,430 --> 00:21:46,658
Absolutely outrageous.
431
00:21:46,764 --> 00:21:48,197
Okay, disability claim.
34883
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