Original subtitles

# Oh, Mandy

# Well, you came and you gave without taking

# But I sent you away

# Oh, Mandy

# Well, you kissed me and stopped me from shaking

# And I need you today

# Oh, Mandy. #

- Bad news, Mandy, that's the last of the Minty Pig.

- Can't you get some more? I only ever have Minty Pig.

- They don't make it any more.

It comes from Russia.

It's all part of the sanctions.

- Damn you, Putin! Damn you to hell!

- Also, they discovered it's got asbestos in it.

- I always wondered why I threw up if I licked my fingers.

- What are you doing this evening, Mandy? - Nothing much.

I'll probably just stay in and watch some TV with my nan.

- What? Your nan?

- Yeah, she likes watching those old films without any sex or violence

or a message or social justice in them.

- I don't mean to be rude, Mandy, but, your grandmother is still alive?

- Yeah, very much so.

- You never mentioned her before. - Have I not?

- How old is she? - 110.

- 110! You cannot be serious.

Why isn't it on Granada Reports?

- We haven't got proof.

It needs to be independently verified

and her birth certificate was destroyed in a fire.

- Where does she live? - Well, this is the thing.

Her boyfriend threw her out so she's living in my attic.

- How long's she been with you? - Too long.

I need to talk to her about it tonight, actually.

It's about time she moved out.

- But why is she in the loft?

- Nowhere else for her to go.

My small back bedroom's full of my Danbury Mint collectables.

- Can I come home with you and meet her?

- If you like.

Hey, Nan? We've got visitors.

SHE FARTS

Do you want a brew, Nan?

- Aye, alreet.

- SHE FARTS

You go through, Lola. - Are you sure?

- Yeah, go on, I'll do this.

- I cannot wait to meet this lady.

Pleased to meet you. - Who are you?

- Oh, that's my friend, Lola, she works at the local beauty salon.

She does me nails.

- Can you do owt with these?

- Um, yes, they just need a tiny trim and a buff.

Mandy tells me you are 110 years old?

- 109 actually, but we'd need it independently verified

if I'm to get on Granada Reports.

- Yes, so I believe.

So, what is your secret to such a long life?

- Cod liver oil.

- Oh, I must get some.

- I do the odd marathon and all.

- What? You run marathons?

- Yeah, she's beaten her time every year.

She's got another coming up, haven't you, Nan?

- Aye, yeah, in a month.

I'd better start training.

- You haven't been training?

- No, but it won't take me long to get match fit.

- No, once she gets started, she makes Captain Tom look bone idle.

- Don't they get someone royal to hand out the medals?

- Nan's anti-royal.

- I wouldn't piss on that family if they were on fire.

- She won't even eat Duchy original biscuits.

- If someone gave me a Duchy biscuit, I'd smash it into the carpet

then I'd spit on it.

Nazi bastards.

- All right, Nan, don't go getting all upset.

- Now, Mandy, you know you haven't given me any grandkids...

- Oh, not this again.

I've told you, Nan, I don't want kids.

- Are your eggs rotten?

- There's nothing wrong with my eggs!

- Well, anyway,

I had my eggs frozen years ago.

I were one of the first to get it done

because I thought I might want more kids in the future.

- Oh, don't be ridiculous,

it'd be like trying to fertilise an egg in a Hoover bag.

- Then I thought about adopting.

- Don't talk wet, they wouldn't let you have a pug,

they're not going to let you have a nipper.

- Can you believe it?

If you want to adopt a baby, nobody bats an eyelid.

If you want a pug, you've got to have two gay lads come round

and check your fencing's secure.

Anyway, I got an email the other week, saying

they'd successfully fertilised one of my eggs.

- You got an email? Is that how it works?

Where did you go to do all this?

- I went on the dark web.

- The dark web?! - On me Tesco Mobile.

I've got unlimited data.

And I get Clubcard points.

- Who's the father?

- I don't know.

The fertility clinic's in Albania.

I think they just have big vats of jizz from all over.

I did specify human sperm on the form.

At least I think I did.

- Don't you think you're a bit old to have a baby?

- It's my right to have a baby. - Mm-hm.

- I'll be the oldest mum in the country.

Maybe then they'll have me on Granada Reports.

That'll learn 'em.

- Who will give birth to this child?

- A woman called Shed'evil gave birth to it last week. - It?

- They're delivering it to me tomorrow between 3.23 and 4.23.

- Who are?

- DPD. I got a text.

- Fuck me!

You can't live here with a baby, there's no room.

- I can't see why I can't live on a barge, like Lovejoy.

- We've been over this.

- If I lived on a barge, I'd be happy as a pig in shit.

- I can't afford a barge, Nan!

- Doesn't the newsagent have a barge he is selling?

- Does he? - I'm sure I saw an advert in his window

saying he's selling a boat or something.

- Oh, I'll go and see him.

Why's it so cheap?

- I want to make some space so we can use the peloton exercise bike.

- Has it got any holes in it?

- No, I don't think so.

- Have you ever been out in it? - No.

- How come you've got a boat but you've never been out in it?

- It was in the garage when we bought the house.

Now we just use it to store toilet rolls in.

- What if I go out in it and discover it's got a hole in it?

- Fixing a hole in a boat is not difficult.

- Is it not?

- Why do you want to buy a boat anyway?

- My nan wants to live on a barge but I can't afford it.

- Yeah, this would be perfect for you.

- Right, yeah, I'll take it.

- This ain't a barge!

- It's better than a barge.

- It's not even on a canal.

It's too pokey.

What do you think, Lola?

- Well, why don't you put a big mirror on that wall?

It'll really open the place up.

- No! No, it's a no from me.

I'll just stay in your attic, Mandy, until I find something better.

- PHONE ALERT

- It's three stops away.

- Is it a boy or a girl?

- They didn't say.

- And you didn't think to ask?

- Well, as long as it's healthy.

- Have you thought of any names? - Yes.

- DOORBELL RINGS

- It's here!

Honestly, the amount of packaging you get these days.

- Let's see. - I am so excited.

- Oh, fuck me! - What? What is it?

- It's one of them ones that looks like an old man.

- No!

Every baby is beautiful in its own way.

Let me see.

Oh! Jesus Christ! What is it?

- What am I going to do with it?

- I'll tell you what we're gonna do with it.

We're going to throw it the best damn baby shower you've ever seen.

- Mandy is right.

So what if it looks like a goblin?

Hopefully it will grow into its face.

We need to teach this baby it can be anything it wants to be.

Goblin or not.

- Oh, he's crying.

He wants feeding.

Here, I'll do the honours.

Now don't bite.

Hey, Mandy, you couldn't babysit for me tonight, could you?

- You've only had it five minutes!

- I know, but it's bingo tonight and it's a super rollover.

Top prize is an air fryer.

- An air fryer? What's the point of an air fryer?

Who wants fried air?

- Go on, love, it'll be a chance for you to bond with it.

- All right. I suppose so.

Right, come on.

Let's see what's on the tragic lantern.

Maybe one day, we'll go on Gogglebox together.

LOW GROWLING

Oh, you little shit!

MENACING MUSIC

Ah!

Ah!

Oh! Get off!

MENACING MUSIC CONTINUES

GRUNTING

Oh!

Ah!

Oh, oh!

GROWLING

Ah!

Ah!

Oh!

MENACING MUSIC

Ahhhh!

Oh, God, help!

- Hey, Mandy, I'm back!

I won that air fryer!

- Nan, get it off me!

He's trying to kill me!

- Get off her, you little bastard!

- BABY GRUNTS AND GROWLS

- Bingo! Give it 20 minutes on full power.

- Nan, you should never buy anything on the dark web.

- Told you the air frier would come in handy.

- # Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, yeah, yeah, yeah

# Hey, little devil

# Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, yeah, yeah, yeah

# Hey, little devil

# Hey, little devil, you're always runnin' around

- # Hey, little devil

- # It's time that someone started taming you down

- # Hey, little devil

- # There'll be - There'll be

- # Some changes made, your roving days are through...#