Original subtitles

# Oh, Mandy Well, you came and you gave without taking

# But I sent you away, oh, Mandy

# Well, you kissed me and stopped me from shaking

# And I need you today, oh, Mandy... #

- My word. I've never seen one as long as this before.

- That's what she said.

HE CHORTLES

- That's what who said?

- Doesn't matter.

I found it leaning against the side of a chimney.

No-one seemed to own it so I thought I'd just take it.

Finders keepers an' all that.

- Help!

- I wonder if you could do a little job for me?

I've got some trouble with my spire.

- Go on. - It's got a huge bird's nest on it.

I've asked local roofing firms if they could remove it

but they say that modern safety methods,

and the fact that they just make the prices up,

means they can't do it for less than £50,000.

And unfortunately, even though the Church of England is

one of the biggest landowners in the country, we can't afford it.

AND we've got the Songs Of Praise lot turning up on Sunday to film.

- Songs Of Praise?

- I don't suppose you would be willing to use your ladder

to get rid of the nest?

I would go up myself but I'm afraid of heights.

- How much?

- Well, um...

- WHISPERS: - I shit myself if I go above two storeys.

- No, I mean how much for the job?

- Oh, I see. Well...

Christ was a simple man, he didn't preach the gospel of greed and...

- 60 quid?

- 40?

- SPITS

Done.

BIRD SQUAWK

Right, let's get this shifted.

HE LAUGHS

- Mandy, how many times must I tell you not to

bring your ladder in here?

This is a professional nail salon,

not whatever sort of place you should keep a very long ladder.

- Sorry, Lol, but I can't leave that lying around.

That little baby's my meal ticket out of here.

- How do you mean? - I think I might have found my true calling, Lol.

I love being high up.

It's just me, the birds and God up there.

- Mandy! I thought it was you.

Could you bring your ladder back tomorrow, please?

My crucifix is bent and I want everything to be

perfect for Songs Of Praise.

- Songs Of Praise? I have always wanted to go one that show.

Especially after they rejected me from The Traitors,

Race Around The World

and Naked Attraction.

Can I come along for the show?

- We're already full, I'm afraid.

We've had to give priority to regular churchgoers.

- But I am a regular churchgoer,

I go to the jumble sale every January.

- HE LAUGHS

- What about it, Mandy? - Maybe.

- God will smile on your good deeds.

40 quid?

- 40 quid, and Lola and I get to come along to Songs Of Praise.

- Well, erm... - Good seats, mind, front row.

No restricted view. Premier plus seats,

you know, the ones with the cup-holders and massage chairs.

Deal?

- Doh!

- CHUCKLES

- Oh! Done.

See you tomorrow.

- That is very good of you, Mandy, but I worry about you.

You don't even wear safety equipment.

- Safety equipment's for snowflakes, Lola.

Snowflakes and the so-called professionals.

If I slip and die, I slip and die.

We've all got to go sometime - why not go whilst falling off a ladder

without a harness in an accident that was easily preventable?

- I think that's shit, Mandy.

- How dare you!

- No, Mandy, I think that is shit.

Bird shit on your shoulder.

- Yeah, it will be.

Closer to the birds, aren't I?

- Oh, go home, Mandy, you're a hygiene hazard.

This is a three-star establishment.

- I'll go an have a shower.

- Ugh!

- SUSPENSEFUL, HITCHCOCK-STYLE MUSIC

CHICK TWEETS

RAVEN CAWS

Oh, fucking hell, more bird shit.

I'm not even up there yet.

BIRDS CAW

- Hang on. What is that?

Oh, my word!

I never thought I'd see one of those.

What the fuck is it doing in her hair?

- RAVEN CAWS

- Mandy.

Thanks for coming in.

- I got a text you wanted to see me.

And a letter. And a message on the portal.

And a phone call. And another letter.

And a WhatsApp.

So I just got the sense you wanted to see me. - Yes, I did.

Um, have you been working at all?

- No.

- Are you sure? Because if you have been working,

then it will affect your benefit payments

and you could be charged with fraud.

- Draud? What's that?

- No, fraud.

We've had a message saying that you've been seen doing

odd jobs around the church.

- Who's been saying that?

- Someone left a message on our anonymous draud frotline...

..fraud hotline. - Who was it?

- It's anonymous, I didn't know, they didn't leave their name.

The voice did sound familiar, actually.

Like it was someone off the telly.

- Oh, it's probably just someone who's got it in for me. - Who would that be?

- You don't get where I am today without making a few enemies.

- "Where you are today?"

Mandy, you're sitting in a Jobcentre,

you haven't had unemployment since you left school.

- Exactly. And yet still I have enemies at every turn.

Imagine how many enemies really successful people have,

like Vladimir Putin or Rick Edwards

or that man from Succession.

- You think he's successful cos he's in a show called Succession?

OK, so you haven't been working?

- How many more times, no!

- So, what's the ladder for then?

- What ladder?

- That ladder, there, that you brought in.

- Oh, right, that, yeah.

No, I'm looking after it for a friend.

- Mandy, this is serious, OK?

If you've been doing a job while claiming benefits,

then that is a crime. - A crime?

So what if I've been fixing the church roof up for a few extra quid?

- Right. - It's hardly the crime of the century, is it?

It's hardly crooked, million-pound PPE contracts, is it?

Or billionaires hiding their money abroad to avoid paying tax, is it?

Or Prince Philip assassinating Lady Di, is it?

No. But as ever, the rich get away with it

and you go after the small fry. Yeah, the easy meat,

the Mandy Carters of the world, who are just trying to struggle

through the cost of living crisis as best they can.

Well, if that isn't the real crime, then I don't know what is!

On Judgment Day, who do you think God's going to punish?

The poor woman who fixed the church roof up

so she could afford some fucking cheese, or you,

who pursued and punished her and sent her to an early grave?

You're no better than me but you side with the rich

cos you think you're like them, but you're not.

They're laughing at you doing their dirty work

while they party on their megayachts, drinking caviar

and eating supermodels.

What a little man you are!

Yeah, that's stopped you in your tracks, hasn't it?

That's made you think, hasn't it?

- No, it's, Mandy, you've got...

There's something in your hair. - Don't try and distract me,

you petite bourgeois stooge.

- Erm, look, I'm just going to put "No further action needed".

- Thank you!

- Best take that with you. - Oh, yeah. Cheers.

RAVENS CAW

- What's she doing?

Oh, my God.

- BIRDS CAW

Fucking bird shit, bastards.

- Hello! Ah, so many new faces!

I hope it's not just because you want to be on Songs Of Praise!

- No, no, no. I love Jesus Christ.

Where are the cameras?

- Hello, hello...

- Hello, I'm Aled Jones, and welcome to Songs Of Praise.

We're delighted to be in

the wonderful old Church of St Stephen's.

- And now for our first hymn, All Things Bright And Beautiful.

- CHOIR AND MANDY SING: - # All things bright and beautiful

# All creatures great and small

# All things wise and wonderful

# The Lord God made them all

# Each little flower that opens...

- ALED: - Well, there seems to be some disturbance

in the church this afternoon,

some feathered friends have snuck in.

But don't worry, they're all God's creatures.

- BIRDS SQUEAL

- # All things bright and beautiful

# All creatures great and small

# All things wise and wonderful

# The Lord God made them all... #

- For God's sake, what did you think was going to happen?

You've broken every rule in the bird-watching book -

MY book - Michaela Strachan's

Guidebook To Birds Of Great Britain and Northern Ireland.

- What's going on?

- She's had a protected and rare bird nesting in her hair.

- Protected bird? - The great crested eagle chick.

It would've grown to be the largest bird in Europe.

And she's probably got more nesting in that beehive of hers.

So, I'm sorry, but there's only one thing for it -

I'm going to have to shoot your friend and let the birds live in

the hair of her decaying body.

- No! You cannot shoot this woman!

- Yeah, you're probably right, actually.

I tell you what, I'm just going to blow my RSPB whistle instead.

- HIGH-PITCHED WHISTLE

ALED: - And that's it for this week.

If you'd like to see more birds

attacking women in churches, then my book -

Aled Jones's Bumper Book of Birds Attacking Women in Churches -

is available now in all good book shops.

- # Let me tell you 'bout the birds the bees

# And the flowers and the trees

# The moon up above

# And a thing called love

# Let me tell you 'bout the stars in the sky

# A girl and a guy

# And the way they could kiss

# On a night like this

# When I look into your big, brown eyes... #