Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated:
1
00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:07,000
Downloaded from
YTS.MX
2
00:00:08,000 --> 00:00:13,000
Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.MX
3
00:01:17,943 --> 00:01:21,312
Ladies and gentlemen,
Lewis Black!
4
00:01:47,071 --> 00:01:50,442
Now that's the...
sound of an audience
5
00:01:50,508 --> 00:01:52,743
that hasn't been
out for a while.
6
00:01:57,515 --> 00:02:02,086
I'm really thrilled...
7
00:02:02,153 --> 00:02:06,257
at the level of excitement
you're bringing this evening.
8
00:02:07,892 --> 00:02:09,060
Tone it down.
9
00:02:12,096 --> 00:02:14,599
You know, I...
'cause I really...
10
00:02:14,666 --> 00:02:16,034
really wish I was...
11
00:02:17,502 --> 00:02:19,704
even half as excited as you are.
12
00:02:22,674 --> 00:02:24,408
But I think...
13
00:02:24,475 --> 00:02:28,746
I think that music,
you know... is...
14
00:02:28,813 --> 00:02:30,581
Eh!
15
00:02:30,648 --> 00:02:34,986
It's... I mean, it's great,
but it's over the top.
16
00:02:35,987 --> 00:02:40,057
It creates an expectation
in this room that,
17
00:02:40,124 --> 00:02:44,396
you know, you hear this
and you get fucking pumped
18
00:02:44,463 --> 00:02:48,066
and you think what's
gonna come out.
19
00:02:48,133 --> 00:02:50,969
You know, jugglers
and sword swallowers
20
00:02:51,036 --> 00:02:54,439
and fire eaters and gymnasts
21
00:02:54,506 --> 00:02:57,275
and fucking wild animals even.
22
00:02:57,341 --> 00:03:00,812
Jaguars and tigers and...
23
00:03:00,879 --> 00:03:02,447
and then...
24
00:03:02,513 --> 00:03:06,050
and then just one aging
Jew wanders on the stage.
25
00:03:14,993 --> 00:03:17,396
And let me just say,
I know that for those of you
26
00:03:17,462 --> 00:03:21,932
who came here tonight
and don't know me.
27
00:03:21,999 --> 00:03:26,504
You were probably
just a bit shocked.
28
00:03:26,571 --> 00:03:28,706
You thought...
29
00:03:28,773 --> 00:03:32,310
"I came all the way for this?"
30
00:03:34,412 --> 00:03:38,149
And if you don't know me,
31
00:03:38,216 --> 00:03:40,752
I'm just going to
tell you upfront.
32
00:03:40,819 --> 00:03:43,421
This...uh...
33
00:03:43,488 --> 00:03:45,089
This could be a long night.
34
00:03:45,156 --> 00:03:48,993
It really could.
35
00:03:49,060 --> 00:03:52,163
And if you get upset tonight...
36
00:03:52,230 --> 00:03:55,066
uh... it's on you.
37
00:03:58,303 --> 00:04:02,673
It's... It's not on me.
38
00:04:02,740 --> 00:04:04,242
OK?
39
00:04:04,308 --> 00:04:07,979
All right, you had
ample opportunity, OK?
40
00:04:08,046 --> 00:04:12,217
Including the pandemic which
gave you a fucking ton of time.
41
00:04:14,119 --> 00:04:16,487
So do a little research
42
00:04:16,554 --> 00:04:19,024
and kind of see who
you were coming...
43
00:04:19,090 --> 00:04:21,859
Oh, I'm gonna go
see this person.
44
00:04:21,926 --> 00:04:23,995
But you fucking didn't.
45
00:04:24,062 --> 00:04:26,330
You didn't do your homework.
46
00:04:26,397 --> 00:04:28,332
If you had children
47
00:04:28,399 --> 00:04:30,868
and you went to a movie you'd
read the review, wouldn't you?
48
00:04:30,935 --> 00:04:32,903
And you'd sit there
and go, you know,
49
00:04:32,970 --> 00:04:35,907
so that when you ended up
at the movie with your kids,
50
00:04:35,973 --> 00:04:38,309
you didn't find yourself
in the middle of it going,
51
00:04:38,376 --> 00:04:39,910
"Fuck, they killed everybody!"
52
00:04:42,214 --> 00:04:47,085
So what's gonna happen is...
53
00:04:47,151 --> 00:04:50,888
I'm gonna say some things
54
00:04:50,955 --> 00:04:55,794
and you're not really
gonna hear them.
55
00:04:55,860 --> 00:04:57,295
What you're going to hear
56
00:04:57,361 --> 00:05:00,365
is that you're gonna feel
57
00:05:00,431 --> 00:05:04,469
as if I have challenged
your basic belief system.
58
00:05:04,535 --> 00:05:06,270
You're going to feel that
59
00:05:06,337 --> 00:05:09,240
somehow I have
fucking insulted you
60
00:05:09,307 --> 00:05:10,908
on a level you never imagined.
61
00:05:16,848 --> 00:05:18,149
And...
62
00:05:19,651 --> 00:05:23,221
what I've said,
all I said was a joke.
63
00:05:24,489 --> 00:05:25,456
That was it.
64
00:05:25,523 --> 00:05:27,959
Just a joke.
65
00:05:28,025 --> 00:05:30,094
But what you're
going to hear is,
66
00:05:30,161 --> 00:05:32,563
"Your mother
sucks cocks in hell!"
67
00:05:39,404 --> 00:05:41,105
And that isn't what I said.
68
00:05:44,475 --> 00:05:48,146
OK? It's not even close.
69
00:05:48,213 --> 00:05:50,749
And you have to understand, OK,
70
00:05:50,815 --> 00:05:55,719
that I have been doing this
for a long time, and...
71
00:05:55,786 --> 00:06:00,325
never have I said anything
72
00:06:00,392 --> 00:06:02,994
on the stage
73
00:06:03,060 --> 00:06:05,863
that has changed
fucking anything.
74
00:06:07,866 --> 00:06:12,070
Thousands and thousands of
people have come and watched me
75
00:06:12,137 --> 00:06:14,305
and the next day woke up
and went,
76
00:06:14,372 --> 00:06:17,676
"It's still the same."
77
00:06:17,742 --> 00:06:20,778
And you should know that
since I started doing it,
78
00:06:20,844 --> 00:06:22,480
things have gotten worse.
79
00:06:25,183 --> 00:06:27,885
So realize that there...
80
00:06:27,952 --> 00:06:30,789
and I know this will
shock some of you,
81
00:06:30,855 --> 00:06:35,727
there are people who actually
came out tonight to see me, OK?
82
00:06:35,794 --> 00:06:38,496
And they...
they overpaid.
83
00:06:41,933 --> 00:06:46,838
And so I really need you
to make this evening,
84
00:06:46,905 --> 00:06:50,175
don't fuck up their
evening, OK?
85
00:06:50,241 --> 00:06:52,777
Don't...
Just sit there, all right?
86
00:06:52,844 --> 00:06:57,716
If I say a joke and you
don't think it's funny,
87
00:06:58,316 --> 00:07:01,152
you get to nail me.
88
00:07:01,219 --> 00:07:05,723
And the way you get to
nail me is you don't laugh.
89
00:07:05,790 --> 00:07:09,327
That's it.
All right?
90
00:07:09,394 --> 00:07:12,364
And you let your
nipples turn bright red...
91
00:07:17,034 --> 00:07:18,669
and you shut the fuck up.
92
00:07:27,912 --> 00:07:30,915
'Cause if you mess
up this evening, OK?
93
00:07:30,981 --> 00:07:34,252
I'm gonna tell my mother.
94
00:07:34,319 --> 00:07:38,789
And when she finds out, your
life is gonna be fucking hell.
95
00:07:38,856 --> 00:07:40,892
OK? And I mean this.
96
00:07:40,958 --> 00:07:43,561
You don't fuck
with my mother, all right?
97
00:07:43,627 --> 00:07:45,696
She's 103.
So she--
98
00:07:52,670 --> 00:07:54,104
My mother's 103.
99
00:07:54,171 --> 00:07:57,709
Sometimes I feel
like she's a tortoise
100
00:07:57,775 --> 00:07:59,410
that's escaped her shell,
101
00:08:02,179 --> 00:08:05,082
I mean, it's kind
of remarkable, 103.
102
00:08:05,149 --> 00:08:09,720
I am blessed really to have
spent all of that time with her,
103
00:08:09,787 --> 00:08:14,526
but... she's 103.
104
00:08:16,361 --> 00:08:19,397
And to give you an idea,
just how tough,
105
00:08:19,463 --> 00:08:22,566
I mean she practiced
on me, OK?
106
00:08:22,633 --> 00:08:25,569
And this is how, this is one
of the last things she said
107
00:08:25,636 --> 00:08:27,238
when I saw her recently.
108
00:08:27,304 --> 00:08:30,741
Just to give you a taste
of what's coming for you.
109
00:08:32,743 --> 00:08:35,346
She said to me...
110
00:08:35,412 --> 00:08:38,249
Actually, to the
caregiver there,
111
00:08:38,316 --> 00:08:40,584
"He...
112
00:08:40,651 --> 00:08:43,154
He just put me to sleep.
113
00:08:43,220 --> 00:08:46,224
I can't imagine what
he does to an audience."
114
00:08:52,363 --> 00:08:53,932
She's good.
115
00:08:56,434 --> 00:09:01,306
103, so sometimes she's here...
116
00:09:01,372 --> 00:09:05,576
and sometimes...
Ooh, she's there,
117
00:09:05,643 --> 00:09:07,745
but I'm lucky and so is she
118
00:09:07,812 --> 00:09:12,516
that we she does not have
Alzheimer's, no dementia.
119
00:09:12,583 --> 00:09:16,154
What she has is something that
120
00:09:16,221 --> 00:09:18,957
doctors haven't
given a name to yet.
121
00:09:20,425 --> 00:09:23,694
She just makes shit up.
122
00:09:29,833 --> 00:09:32,770
When the fuck were
you in Thailand?
123
00:09:42,981 --> 00:09:47,218
She's claimed that she
raised an entire family,
124
00:09:47,284 --> 00:09:48,787
another family.
125
00:09:50,320 --> 00:09:53,224
And the son, who
is as old as I am,
126
00:09:53,291 --> 00:09:56,927
apparently is nicer to
her than I've ever been.
127
00:10:02,000 --> 00:10:04,268
She's, uh...
128
00:10:04,335 --> 00:10:08,005
in competition
now with the Bezos
129
00:10:08,071 --> 00:10:12,509
and Musk and Branson.
130
00:10:12,576 --> 00:10:16,013
Those are the three who were,
you know, you know them.
131
00:10:16,080 --> 00:10:18,148
They're launching their
penises into space.
132
00:10:19,817 --> 00:10:22,720
They are whacking off
into the universe.
133
00:10:22,786 --> 00:10:27,492
They're spending billions,
billions to get out there.
134
00:10:27,559 --> 00:10:29,594
My mother has been
orbiting the earth
135
00:10:29,661 --> 00:10:32,329
on a regular basis for 12 years.
136
00:10:34,265 --> 00:10:37,067
And I wouldn't even call where
she lived assisted living.
137
00:10:37,134 --> 00:10:41,972
I call it a launchpad.
138
00:10:42,039 --> 00:10:43,908
And she doesn't spend billions
139
00:10:43,974 --> 00:10:46,477
because her rocket
fuel is oatmeal.
140
00:10:50,381 --> 00:10:51,916
It was a long time.
141
00:10:51,983 --> 00:10:54,786
It was about three, it
was more than a year,
142
00:10:54,852 --> 00:10:58,155
just a chunk more than a
year that it took from me.
143
00:10:58,222 --> 00:11:01,659
I didn't get to see my
mother for that long.
144
00:11:01,725 --> 00:11:04,962
You know, she was in
this place she's living.
145
00:11:05,028 --> 00:11:09,233
It was in a lockdown.
I could not get to visit her.
146
00:11:09,299 --> 00:11:11,969
It was 500 days
147
00:11:12,036 --> 00:11:14,706
from my last performance
148
00:11:14,772 --> 00:11:18,475
till the time I performed again.
Five hundred days.
149
00:11:18,542 --> 00:11:21,245
And the last time I performed,
150
00:11:21,312 --> 00:11:26,150
in front of an audience before
the whole thing shut down,
151
00:11:26,217 --> 00:11:28,585
was on March 13th,
152
00:11:28,652 --> 00:11:31,389
and I was in
New Buffalo, Michigan
153
00:11:31,456 --> 00:11:33,324
at a casino there.
154
00:11:33,391 --> 00:11:37,161
And I knew that things
were coming to an end.
155
00:11:37,227 --> 00:11:41,165
I knew that we were moving
into a shutdown, OK?
156
00:11:41,232 --> 00:11:44,935
Because myself and a friend
of mine, who many of you know,
157
00:11:45,002 --> 00:11:49,273
it was another, really a
great comic, Kathleen Madigan.
158
00:11:51,109 --> 00:11:52,944
She and I...
159
00:11:53,010 --> 00:11:57,481
She and I, from the moment
that that virus hit,
160
00:11:57,548 --> 00:11:59,450
from the moment
we heard about it,
161
00:11:59,517 --> 00:12:03,320
we tracked that son of a bitch
every day, every fucking day.
162
00:12:03,387 --> 00:12:05,956
We were like the Fauci and
Birx of the comedy community.
163
00:12:07,625 --> 00:12:09,059
We were on the phone.
"Did you hear that?
164
00:12:09,126 --> 00:12:10,828
Did you hear what's happening?
165
00:12:10,894 --> 00:12:12,663
They fucked up, somebody left
the door open to the lab.
166
00:12:12,730 --> 00:12:16,100
Somebody got on the goddamn
boat, it's coming our way.
167
00:12:16,167 --> 00:12:17,835
Close the harbors.
168
00:12:17,901 --> 00:12:20,337
Those fuckers have
to close the harbors."
169
00:12:22,406 --> 00:12:26,710
Nobody listened.
170
00:12:26,777 --> 00:12:28,145
But we knew it was out there.
171
00:12:28,211 --> 00:12:30,815
We knew it was coming.
172
00:12:30,881 --> 00:12:33,885
And luckily I was at
least in a position,
173
00:12:33,951 --> 00:12:36,987
I kind of knew this was
gonna be my last show
174
00:12:37,054 --> 00:12:38,957
because the show on March 14th
175
00:12:39,023 --> 00:12:40,891
that I was gonna have
had been canceled.
176
00:12:40,958 --> 00:12:43,160
She, however, was on her way
177
00:12:43,227 --> 00:12:46,163
to the airport to get
on a plane to Reno.
178
00:12:46,230 --> 00:12:47,865
I said, "Turn back!
179
00:12:47,932 --> 00:12:49,700
You don't wanna get
on that fucking plane.
180
00:12:49,767 --> 00:12:51,268
You don't wanna end up in Reno.
181
00:12:51,335 --> 00:12:53,504
Son of a bitch,
they're gonna hold you there
182
00:12:53,570 --> 00:12:55,706
for God knows how long,
'cause they're gonna need
183
00:12:55,773 --> 00:12:58,242
at least one person to gamble."
184
00:13:03,915 --> 00:13:07,384
They talked about closing
my show on the 13th.
185
00:13:07,451 --> 00:13:09,687
They said,
"We may not go through with it."
186
00:13:09,754 --> 00:13:11,955
But they were kind of stuck
187
00:13:12,022 --> 00:13:16,193
because 1500 fuckers
had shown up.
188
00:13:16,260 --> 00:13:18,996
And we knew this, I knew it
because they were in the casino,
189
00:13:19,063 --> 00:13:21,032
standing shoulder to shoulder.
190
00:13:21,098 --> 00:13:24,268
That did not bode well.
191
00:13:24,335 --> 00:13:25,836
There they were.
192
00:13:25,903 --> 00:13:27,438
And I was there.
193
00:13:27,505 --> 00:13:29,207
I was at a very safe distance.
194
00:13:29,273 --> 00:13:32,310
I was, well, fuck I was
watching 'em through binoculars.
195
00:13:34,479 --> 00:13:37,180
That night I went on stage.
196
00:13:37,247 --> 00:13:39,617
It was a sold out house.
197
00:13:39,683 --> 00:13:41,385
I really didn't
know what to say.
198
00:13:41,452 --> 00:13:44,122
I'd never been in
this position before.
199
00:13:44,188 --> 00:13:46,490
Nobody knew what
was coming next.
200
00:13:46,557 --> 00:13:49,593
And I stared out at them and
the first thing that came
201
00:13:49,660 --> 00:13:53,898
into my mind was, "Well, woo,
thanks for risking your life."
202
00:13:56,467 --> 00:13:58,769
I got a bigger laugh that night.
203
00:14:02,006 --> 00:14:03,507
And so...
204
00:14:03,574 --> 00:14:05,576
So I finished up,
205
00:14:05,643 --> 00:14:06,977
I walked off the stage,
206
00:14:07,044 --> 00:14:08,512
one of the strangest
performances,
207
00:14:08,579 --> 00:14:12,015
great in many ways,
odd in others,
208
00:14:12,082 --> 00:14:16,453
and I went into my dressing
room and I flashed on that thing
209
00:14:16,520 --> 00:14:19,290
they say about comics
that I'd never thought
210
00:14:19,356 --> 00:14:21,458
about in this way before.
211
00:14:21,525 --> 00:14:25,429
You know... "Boy, he really
killed 'em tonight."
212
00:14:35,873 --> 00:14:39,009
On March 14th, it was time.
I could go home.
213
00:14:39,076 --> 00:14:41,512
I was supposed to
fly through O'Hare.
214
00:14:41,578 --> 00:14:43,814
I was not gonna
go through O'Hare
215
00:14:43,881 --> 00:14:46,316
because I knew and Kathleen knew
216
00:14:46,383 --> 00:14:48,619
that the first time that COVID
217
00:14:48,686 --> 00:14:51,822
went from one person to another
218
00:14:51,889 --> 00:14:54,525
in this country was at O'Hare.
219
00:14:54,592 --> 00:14:56,627
That's the kind of shit I knew.
220
00:14:56,694 --> 00:14:58,395
So I'm not going to
that fucking airport.
221
00:14:58,462 --> 00:15:00,864
I don't have a hazmat suit.
222
00:15:00,931 --> 00:15:03,467
And O'Hare on a good
day is a shithole.
223
00:15:06,870 --> 00:15:11,375
And so I am very
lucky I had a tour bus
224
00:15:11,442 --> 00:15:13,878
and I got onto that
and I was gonna return
225
00:15:13,944 --> 00:15:15,980
back to New York City.
226
00:15:16,047 --> 00:15:19,683
And on the way, I was
gonna stop for provisions.
227
00:15:19,750 --> 00:15:21,852
There's a word you
don't hear anymore.
228
00:15:23,454 --> 00:15:25,222
That's a word you actually hear
229
00:15:25,289 --> 00:15:27,557
if you're on a wagon
train going west.
230
00:15:29,727 --> 00:15:31,295
But I say provisions,
'cause I knew
231
00:15:31,362 --> 00:15:34,197
I was gonna have to
pick up a lot of shit.
232
00:15:34,264 --> 00:15:36,701
And so, we stopped.
233
00:15:36,767 --> 00:15:40,204
I stopped for the
first time ever
234
00:15:40,270 --> 00:15:45,176
and went into, and this'll
stun you, a Walmart.
235
00:15:47,878 --> 00:15:52,717
Yeah, I know.
236
00:15:52,783 --> 00:15:55,219
I'd never been in one, but
why would a single person
237
00:15:55,286 --> 00:15:57,688
who'd never been duck
hunting go to a Walmart?
238
00:16:01,458 --> 00:16:03,627
I mean, unless I needed
a hundred pound tub
239
00:16:03,694 --> 00:16:05,830
of butter for fun.
240
00:16:07,698 --> 00:16:09,600
Or, you know, but I
was gonna need
241
00:16:09,666 --> 00:16:11,935
300 fucking rolls
of toilet paper,
242
00:16:12,002 --> 00:16:13,905
so I'm going to Walmart.
243
00:16:16,507 --> 00:16:21,278
And I had never been, I walked
in, it was like the Vatican.
244
00:16:21,345 --> 00:16:24,414
The Vatican of fatty fuck foods.
245
00:16:24,481 --> 00:16:26,750
They didn't even put
the foods together
246
00:16:26,817 --> 00:16:30,253
in terms of the same product
of food, the same fruits.
247
00:16:30,320 --> 00:16:34,558
No, it was the level of fat.
Fat, fattier, most fatty,
248
00:16:34,625 --> 00:16:38,929
the most fatty fat-fat
fucking fattiest fateus.
249
00:16:38,996 --> 00:16:42,466
Holy shit, there was actually
one of those warning lights,
250
00:16:42,533 --> 00:16:46,403
the red light was spinning at
one place, sirens going off.
251
00:16:46,470 --> 00:16:47,938
That was the aisle that said,
252
00:16:48,005 --> 00:16:50,441
"You might have a
heart attack here."
253
00:16:50,507 --> 00:16:53,143
It's the first place
I've ever been into
254
00:16:53,210 --> 00:16:55,746
that the soup actually
had whipped cream on it.
255
00:16:57,648 --> 00:17:00,584
If you walk around a Walmart
literally for three minutes,
256
00:17:00,651 --> 00:17:04,021
you will gain seven pounds.
257
00:17:09,559 --> 00:17:10,727
And so I headed home...
258
00:17:13,230 --> 00:17:17,835
and we got into New York
and on, uh...
259
00:17:17,902 --> 00:17:21,038
March 15th, March 15th.
260
00:17:21,105 --> 00:17:23,608
You have to speak into
the microphone, asshole.
261
00:17:31,015 --> 00:17:33,351
Yeah, that was really
a private moment.
262
00:17:35,319 --> 00:17:36,954
We love you, Lewis.
263
00:17:37,021 --> 00:17:41,525
And I love you.
264
00:17:47,998 --> 00:17:49,833
On March 15th,
265
00:17:49,900 --> 00:17:52,802
I was very excited.
266
00:17:52,869 --> 00:17:56,507
It was either on March 15th
or maybe a day or two after.
267
00:17:56,573 --> 00:18:00,511
I can't quite place it,
but it was the day in which
268
00:18:00,577 --> 00:18:02,479
for the first time...
269
00:18:02,546 --> 00:18:07,384
our government
was gonna come on and...
270
00:18:07,451 --> 00:18:11,521
on the TV and tell us the people
271
00:18:11,588 --> 00:18:16,159
how we were going to deal
with the coming pandemic.
272
00:18:16,226 --> 00:18:18,895
Not only as a group,
but individually.
273
00:18:18,962 --> 00:18:20,096
I was so excited.
274
00:18:20,163 --> 00:18:21,431
I called Kathleen, I said,
275
00:18:21,498 --> 00:18:24,067
"Fuck, we're not
in charge anymore."
276
00:18:26,236 --> 00:18:29,073
Now we've got real experts
who'll be telling us
277
00:18:29,139 --> 00:18:33,343
exactly what to do.
278
00:18:33,410 --> 00:18:36,046
And I was thrilled.
279
00:18:36,112 --> 00:18:39,650
I sat down there and, and
the first people we saw
280
00:18:39,716 --> 00:18:43,087
for the first time ever
were Dr. Fauci and Dr. Birx.
281
00:18:43,153 --> 00:18:46,757
There they were.
There they were.
282
00:18:46,824 --> 00:18:49,426
And I know that
some of you, for sure,
283
00:18:49,493 --> 00:18:52,262
have problems with
Dr. Fauci and I...
284
00:18:53,830 --> 00:18:55,432
Yes, one person
screaming in the night.
285
00:18:57,667 --> 00:19:00,904
Who the problem sounded
like a sexual one there.
286
00:19:07,378 --> 00:19:10,648
But Dr. Fauci, look, if you
had a problem with Dr. Fauci,
287
00:19:10,714 --> 00:19:13,383
I'm just gonna tell
you this, all right?
288
00:19:13,450 --> 00:19:15,886
Would you want his job?
289
00:19:15,953 --> 00:19:18,122
Would you wanna do what he did?
290
00:19:18,189 --> 00:19:19,556
Would you want to be that person
291
00:19:19,623 --> 00:19:21,658
who had to come out every day?
292
00:19:21,725 --> 00:19:24,561
What, you're yelling
at him because of what?
293
00:19:24,628 --> 00:19:26,864
'Cause he has the
shittiest job on earth
294
00:19:26,930 --> 00:19:29,433
and you wouldn't
do the job, OK?
295
00:19:29,500 --> 00:19:31,401
Nobody wanted that fucking job.
296
00:19:31,468 --> 00:19:34,237
We're lucky anybody
took the job.
297
00:19:36,473 --> 00:19:39,309
To come out there
and say, "It sucks."
298
00:19:39,376 --> 00:19:41,978
The next day, "It really
sucks. It's gonna suck more."
299
00:19:42,045 --> 00:19:43,748
Here's the sound.
300
00:19:43,814 --> 00:19:46,483
That's how sucky it is.
301
00:19:46,550 --> 00:19:48,485
Everywhere you go,
suck, suck, suck.
302
00:19:48,552 --> 00:19:50,888
It's gonna be
shittier and shittier
303
00:19:50,954 --> 00:19:52,923
and fucking unbelievable.
304
00:19:52,989 --> 00:19:55,392
Worst job ever.
305
00:19:55,459 --> 00:19:59,363
Son of a bitch, the only job
that I think could be worse
306
00:19:59,430 --> 00:20:02,098
is if you were douching
elephants for a living.
307
00:20:06,603 --> 00:20:09,506
Unbelievable, and people
were pissed with Fauci.
308
00:20:09,573 --> 00:20:11,175
"Oh, he got money from Pfizer."
309
00:20:11,241 --> 00:20:13,344
Fuck you, that was a lie.
310
00:20:13,410 --> 00:20:15,212
"Oh, but he was rich."
311
00:20:15,279 --> 00:20:17,314
Oh, you idiots.
Of course he was rich.
312
00:20:17,380 --> 00:20:20,985
He's a doctor, numb nuts.
313
00:20:26,589 --> 00:20:29,426
I believe that who they should
have hired to do the job,
314
00:20:29,493 --> 00:20:31,495
I think what would've
made it possible
315
00:20:31,562 --> 00:20:35,332
for everybody in the
country to not be upset
316
00:20:35,399 --> 00:20:39,403
was they should have just
had a fucking peacock.
317
00:20:39,836 --> 00:20:41,638
I mean it.
318
00:20:41,705 --> 00:20:44,475
The peacock should have come out
with the announcement every day.
319
00:20:44,541 --> 00:20:46,443
And the peacock could've
strolled, you know,
320
00:20:47,777 --> 00:20:49,346
or whatever noise
a peacock make.
321
00:20:49,412 --> 00:20:52,616
Then underneath, there'd
be a fucking translation
322
00:20:52,682 --> 00:20:55,452
of the peacock.
323
00:20:55,519 --> 00:20:57,153
And then everybody would watch.
324
00:20:57,220 --> 00:20:58,789
They turn the TV on,
325
00:20:58,855 --> 00:21:01,858
"I can't wait to see what
the peacock has to say!"
326
00:21:04,428 --> 00:21:05,862
And Fauci and Birx stood there,
327
00:21:05,929 --> 00:21:07,731
and they began to speak
328
00:21:07,798 --> 00:21:10,233
and none of us knew what the
fuck they were talking about.
329
00:21:10,300 --> 00:21:12,268
We'd never heard or seen
330
00:21:12,335 --> 00:21:14,538
anything like this in
our lives, ever.
331
00:21:15,439 --> 00:21:18,108
And goddammit it.
332
00:21:18,175 --> 00:21:20,010
And about a third
of the way through,
333
00:21:20,077 --> 00:21:22,713
it was becoming clearer and
clearer what they were saying.
334
00:21:22,780 --> 00:21:24,714
It was really quite simple.
335
00:21:24,781 --> 00:21:26,116
And what they were saying was,
336
00:21:26,183 --> 00:21:30,954
"We're fucked!
We're totally fucked!"
337
00:21:32,923 --> 00:21:35,392
At this point...
338
00:21:35,459 --> 00:21:39,896
our leader...
pushed them aside.
339
00:21:39,963 --> 00:21:43,400
And with nary a
stethoscope in sight,
340
00:21:45,068 --> 00:21:47,737
he strode to the mic
341
00:21:47,804 --> 00:21:52,175
because he wanted to
be sure we remain calm.
342
00:21:52,242 --> 00:21:56,113
And he knew that these
two weren't going to help.
343
00:21:57,614 --> 00:22:00,751
So, he decided he
was going to tell us
344
00:22:00,817 --> 00:22:02,252
how we were going to deal
345
00:22:02,319 --> 00:22:04,454
with what was going
to be happening.
346
00:22:04,521 --> 00:22:06,323
And he could do that
347
00:22:06,389 --> 00:22:10,961
because he is the first
president ever elected...
348
00:22:11,028 --> 00:22:12,496
ever...
349
00:22:12,563 --> 00:22:14,164
Thank you.
350
00:22:15,966 --> 00:22:19,936
The first President ever elected
351
00:22:20,003 --> 00:22:22,339
who just...
352
00:22:22,406 --> 00:22:23,640
knows stuff.
353
00:22:25,643 --> 00:22:28,979
Yeah, look, I've been through...
354
00:22:32,015 --> 00:22:35,252
I have lived through
a lot of presidents.
355
00:22:35,318 --> 00:22:38,589
And none of them knew shit.
356
00:22:38,656 --> 00:22:42,059
But this president really was
fucking on top of the game.
357
00:22:42,126 --> 00:22:44,895
This president knew fucking
every fucking thing
358
00:22:44,961 --> 00:22:47,131
you could know.
Not these idiots.
359
00:22:47,197 --> 00:22:49,133
Goddammit.
360
00:22:49,199 --> 00:22:51,235
All of a sudden, finally.
361
00:22:54,538 --> 00:22:56,874
He knew how much wood
a woodchuck would...
362
00:22:58,208 --> 00:22:59,809
if a woodchuck could chuck wood.
363
00:22:59,876 --> 00:23:01,144
He knew how many cords.
364
00:23:01,211 --> 00:23:03,580
He knew how many cords of wood.
365
00:23:05,749 --> 00:23:07,384
He memorized
366
00:23:07,451 --> 00:23:11,688
all of the recipes
367
00:23:11,755 --> 00:23:14,458
in The Betty Crocker Cookbook.
368
00:23:14,525 --> 00:23:16,526
Yes, he did.
Yes, he fucking did.
369
00:23:16,593 --> 00:23:18,929
Why? Because he can do it.
370
00:23:20,464 --> 00:23:23,300
And at this point, he explained
371
00:23:23,367 --> 00:23:26,870
just how the virus
372
00:23:26,937 --> 00:23:28,872
would come to us
373
00:23:28,938 --> 00:23:30,207
and what would happen.
374
00:23:30,274 --> 00:23:32,809
And he said it would
be like the flu.
375
00:23:32,876 --> 00:23:35,678
It would just come and then...
376
00:23:35,745 --> 00:23:38,181
woo, it would go.
377
00:23:40,684 --> 00:23:44,320
It is what he said.
378
00:23:44,387 --> 00:23:46,623
And...
379
00:23:46,690 --> 00:23:48,124
he got the timeline off.
380
00:23:49,559 --> 00:23:51,694
But everybody got
the timeline off.
381
00:23:51,761 --> 00:23:53,330
Everyone did.
382
00:23:53,396 --> 00:23:56,499
They're still not sure
about the timeline, OK?
383
00:23:56,566 --> 00:23:58,234
He got it off.
384
00:23:58,301 --> 00:24:00,637
He was wrong, OK?
385
00:24:00,704 --> 00:24:02,906
And the reason everybody
has been wrong is
386
00:24:02,972 --> 00:24:05,809
because everybody's
got a fucking theory
387
00:24:05,876 --> 00:24:09,679
about how this virus
came to be, all right?
388
00:24:09,746 --> 00:24:13,417
And I'm the only one who
actually knows what happened.
389
00:24:13,483 --> 00:24:16,386
And, yeah, that's right.
390
00:24:16,452 --> 00:24:20,924
And lucky, lucky you are
here with me this evening.
391
00:24:24,161 --> 00:24:26,130
So that I can tell
you the story.
392
00:24:28,098 --> 00:24:29,799
Yes. Many people think,
393
00:24:29,866 --> 00:24:31,702
"Oh, it came out of
the lab in Wuhan."
394
00:24:31,769 --> 00:24:34,471
It did not come out of that lab.
395
00:24:34,538 --> 00:24:37,774
That would require
intelligence, all right?
396
00:24:37,841 --> 00:24:40,711
And when intelligence
is involved,
397
00:24:40,777 --> 00:24:42,779
this kind of shit
doesn't happen.
398
00:24:42,845 --> 00:24:44,781
This happens when it's...
399
00:24:44,848 --> 00:24:47,851
when something fucking
stupid happens.
400
00:24:47,918 --> 00:24:50,621
And what happened was
this, quite simply,
401
00:24:50,687 --> 00:24:52,856
somebody fucked a bat.
402
00:24:52,922 --> 00:24:54,791
Somebody fucked a bat.
403
00:24:54,857 --> 00:24:56,727
Somebody fucked a bat.
404
00:24:56,794 --> 00:24:58,028
I don't think you're listening.
405
00:24:58,094 --> 00:24:59,730
Somebody fucked a bat.
406
00:24:59,797 --> 00:25:02,398
Someone said,
"Hey, I'm gonna fuck a bat."
407
00:25:03,866 --> 00:25:05,469
They saw a bat.
408
00:25:05,535 --> 00:25:07,237
They said, "Oh, look at
how cute that bat is.
409
00:25:07,303 --> 00:25:08,805
I'm gonna fuck that bat."
410
00:25:08,872 --> 00:25:10,840
They took their little
ears of that bat
411
00:25:10,907 --> 00:25:12,576
and pushed him
down on the table,
412
00:25:12,642 --> 00:25:15,779
pulled their penis out,
and put it inside a bat.
413
00:25:15,845 --> 00:25:18,815
I know. It disgusts
me to talk about it.
414
00:25:18,882 --> 00:25:20,951
Makes me sick.
415
00:25:38,202 --> 00:25:39,502
In...
416
00:25:39,569 --> 00:25:41,739
And listen closely,
417
00:25:41,805 --> 00:25:45,542
in the first draft
of the Old Testament,
418
00:25:47,544 --> 00:25:49,279
I don't, I don't
think you heard me.
419
00:25:51,247 --> 00:25:54,718
In the very first draft of
the Old Testament, all right?
420
00:25:56,219 --> 00:25:58,688
In that draft that
was there, you know,
421
00:25:58,755 --> 00:26:02,258
many Christians believe that
God just wrote that book.
422
00:26:02,325 --> 00:26:03,993
Just wrote it.
423
00:26:04,060 --> 00:26:05,995
And every Jew knows
that something
424
00:26:06,062 --> 00:26:10,166
that is that well written took
a number of fucking rewrites.
425
00:26:12,069 --> 00:26:14,037
And so, in the first draft,
426
00:26:14,104 --> 00:26:16,807
it should be noted
that God said,
427
00:26:16,873 --> 00:26:20,744
before he tells Adam and
Eve not to eat the apple,
428
00:26:20,811 --> 00:26:24,314
he says "whatever you do,
don't fuck a bat.
429
00:26:28,919 --> 00:26:31,688
All hell will break loose."
430
00:26:36,159 --> 00:26:37,761
And as you read now,
431
00:26:39,662 --> 00:26:41,732
it isn't there.
432
00:26:41,798 --> 00:26:45,201
No, in the ensuing
drafts, never comes back.
433
00:26:45,268 --> 00:26:49,372
Because God thought,
"Hey, who's gonna fuck a bat?"
434
00:26:56,546 --> 00:27:01,151
So, after listening to
all of this, I have to say
435
00:27:01,818 --> 00:27:06,423
that I felt much like I felt
when I was in elementary school
436
00:27:06,489 --> 00:27:08,492
when I was like nine.
437
00:27:08,558 --> 00:27:12,362
And the teacher said,
"in case of a nuclear attack,
438
00:27:12,428 --> 00:27:13,963
get under your desk."
439
00:27:15,498 --> 00:27:17,533
And I said,
"Why would I do that?"
440
00:27:17,600 --> 00:27:20,870
And she said,
"Because you'll burn faster."
441
00:27:24,341 --> 00:27:26,176
So...
442
00:27:29,713 --> 00:27:33,483
I learned a number of
important things that day.
443
00:27:34,884 --> 00:27:38,788
And the most important was
that I was a target for COVID.
444
00:27:38,855 --> 00:27:41,658
I learned that pretty,
pretty quickly.
445
00:27:41,725 --> 00:27:44,995
Because I was old.
446
00:27:45,061 --> 00:27:47,864
And let me say, until that
fucking virus showed up,
447
00:27:47,931 --> 00:27:49,932
I didn't know I was fucking old!
448
00:27:51,935 --> 00:27:55,271
And...
449
00:27:55,338 --> 00:27:58,875
I had an
underlying condition.
450
00:27:58,942 --> 00:28:03,746
And so, I knew I
was, I was screwed.
451
00:28:03,813 --> 00:28:07,483
And that I was gonna
have to lock down,
452
00:28:07,550 --> 00:28:11,721
that I was gonna have to go
into solitary confinement
453
00:28:11,787 --> 00:28:14,090
in my apartment alone.
454
00:28:14,157 --> 00:28:15,725
I would be alone.
455
00:28:15,792 --> 00:28:17,827
And it was for twelve weeks.
456
00:28:17,894 --> 00:28:19,930
And I learned from
that experience
457
00:28:19,996 --> 00:28:24,467
that solitary confinement
is a fucking punishment.
458
00:28:24,534 --> 00:28:26,936
I mean, for four days, it's fun.
459
00:28:27,003 --> 00:28:28,471
Oh, it's a treat.
460
00:28:28,538 --> 00:28:30,874
Your brain is having
the time of its life.
461
00:28:30,940 --> 00:28:33,276
It goes through everything
that ever happened to you.
462
00:28:33,343 --> 00:28:35,845
And it looks at it from
all sides, types of sizes,
463
00:28:35,912 --> 00:28:37,880
everything, every,
all the sides,
464
00:28:37,947 --> 00:28:39,682
everything you could imagine,
465
00:28:39,749 --> 00:28:41,051
"Oh, and this could
have happened.
466
00:28:41,117 --> 00:28:42,318
And that could
have happened."
467
00:28:42,385 --> 00:28:44,153
And your brain is all excited.
468
00:28:44,220 --> 00:28:46,790
It's like your whole life is
a jungle gym for your brain,
469
00:28:46,856 --> 00:28:50,327
and it can't be more thrilled
to be spending this time,
470
00:28:50,393 --> 00:28:53,663
and you get to literally
be disgusted by everything
471
00:28:53,730 --> 00:28:55,198
that had disgusted you.
472
00:28:55,265 --> 00:28:57,033
And now you can even
be madder and madder.
473
00:28:57,099 --> 00:28:58,768
Your brain can go
right after it.
474
00:28:58,835 --> 00:29:00,504
And that lasts for four days.
475
00:29:00,570 --> 00:29:02,439
And then your brain
gets fucking bored.
476
00:29:02,506 --> 00:29:05,942
And when your brain is
bored, it comes after you!
477
00:29:06,009 --> 00:29:07,844
And holy fuck,
478
00:29:07,911 --> 00:29:11,815
then it was like the goddamn
Nuremberg trials day after day.
479
00:29:11,882 --> 00:29:13,149
"You fucked up
this relationship.
480
00:29:13,216 --> 00:29:14,885
You fucked up this relationship,
481
00:29:14,952 --> 00:29:16,520
then you fucked up
this relationship.
482
00:29:16,586 --> 00:29:17,987
You want to know
why you're alone?
483
00:29:18,054 --> 00:29:19,689
'Cause you fucked up
that relationship.
484
00:29:19,756 --> 00:29:21,191
Then you fucked up
this relationship.
485
00:29:21,257 --> 00:29:23,426
She didn't even want to
spend any time with you.
486
00:29:23,493 --> 00:29:26,496
And you spent some time and
not even you fucked that up.
487
00:29:26,563 --> 00:29:29,332
And goddammit, and you...
children.
488
00:29:29,399 --> 00:29:31,201
Oh, she wanted to have children.
489
00:29:31,268 --> 00:29:34,504
Who the fuck would want you as
a parent, you piece of shit?
490
00:29:34,571 --> 00:29:36,873
If you had children,
there'd be people all around.
491
00:29:36,940 --> 00:29:38,708
But you didn't, did you?
492
00:29:38,775 --> 00:29:41,377
Because you fucked up that
relationship because you said,
493
00:29:41,444 --> 00:29:43,747
"Oh, I don't want children.
I want to have a career."
494
00:29:43,813 --> 00:29:45,515
Well, look around
the living room.
495
00:29:45,582 --> 00:29:48,918
Where's your fucking
career now?"
496
00:30:02,098 --> 00:30:06,436
Then my friends would call me
497
00:30:06,503 --> 00:30:10,907
and they would say
that thing we all said.
498
00:30:10,973 --> 00:30:15,211
We all said in the first
10 weeks of the pandemic,
499
00:30:15,278 --> 00:30:16,779
we all said, it's
the dumbest thing
500
00:30:16,846 --> 00:30:18,381
anybody could fucking say.
501
00:30:18,448 --> 00:30:21,151
"How are you doing?"
502
00:30:21,218 --> 00:30:24,788
"How are you doing?"
Are you shitting me?!
503
00:30:24,855 --> 00:30:26,790
How the fuck do you
think I'm doing, asshole?
504
00:30:26,856 --> 00:30:29,659
I'm trying not to die!
505
00:30:29,726 --> 00:30:32,162
Goddammit, I'm living
like a raccoon.
506
00:30:33,529 --> 00:30:36,099
I'm washing every
thing that comes
507
00:30:36,166 --> 00:30:38,334
into the apartment, goddammit.
508
00:30:38,401 --> 00:30:40,303
Only I'm wearing rubber gloves,
509
00:30:40,369 --> 00:30:41,805
and I'm scrubbing
everything down.
510
00:30:41,872 --> 00:30:43,673
All of my fruits and vegetables.
511
00:30:43,740 --> 00:30:45,175
I'm scrubbing 'em
down with Clorox,
512
00:30:45,241 --> 00:30:48,611
scrubbing them down,
scrubbing them down.
513
00:30:48,678 --> 00:30:50,513
I thought my friends
would come to the house
514
00:30:50,580 --> 00:30:52,049
and find me dead on the floor.
515
00:30:53,650 --> 00:30:55,918
Then they call my other friends.
516
00:30:55,985 --> 00:30:59,789
-"Lewis died."
-"What happened?"
517
00:30:59,856 --> 00:31:03,159
"Well, he had Clorox poisoning.
518
00:31:05,495 --> 00:31:07,396
He died the way we always
thought he would die.
519
00:31:07,463 --> 00:31:09,399
He died 'cause he's
a fucking moron."
520
00:31:13,203 --> 00:31:17,840
Meanwhile, there were all
of those folks out there,
521
00:31:17,907 --> 00:31:20,477
all of those folks who
the pandemic for them
522
00:31:20,544 --> 00:31:23,446
was the greatest thing
that ever happened.
523
00:31:23,513 --> 00:31:25,148
There were tons of those people.
524
00:31:25,215 --> 00:31:26,649
It was like a
renaissance for them.
525
00:31:28,852 --> 00:31:31,954
Please, that actually could
have broken eardrums, you fuck.
526
00:31:36,259 --> 00:31:38,728
Goddammit.
527
00:31:38,795 --> 00:31:42,732
I asked, just 'cause I
didn't say do not whistle,
528
00:31:42,799 --> 00:31:47,537
I thought it was inherent.
529
00:31:47,604 --> 00:31:50,673
I almost had a dog
pop outta my ass.
530
00:32:03,853 --> 00:32:05,388
There were those people.
531
00:32:05,454 --> 00:32:09,392
One is here this evening,
532
00:32:09,459 --> 00:32:13,362
one who learned how to become
a professional whistler.
533
00:32:13,429 --> 00:32:16,232
But it is, people were
doing all sorts of stuff.
534
00:32:16,298 --> 00:32:17,800
Fucking unbelievable.
535
00:32:17,867 --> 00:32:20,703
I'm miserable,
and these fucking people...
536
00:32:20,770 --> 00:32:22,305
How did that happen?
537
00:32:22,372 --> 00:32:25,408
How did you get six new
degrees in 12 weeks?
538
00:32:25,475 --> 00:32:27,911
What the fucks going on?
539
00:32:27,977 --> 00:32:30,113
Son of a bitch.
540
00:32:30,179 --> 00:32:32,715
Just extraordinary to me.
541
00:32:32,782 --> 00:32:34,584
You turn the TV on every day.
542
00:32:34,651 --> 00:32:35,918
Every one of those morning shows
543
00:32:35,985 --> 00:32:37,887
had one of those pricks on it.
544
00:32:37,954 --> 00:32:40,790
"Oh, I just came up with
13 new sourdough starters."
545
00:32:40,857 --> 00:32:42,759
Well, why don't you come over
546
00:32:42,825 --> 00:32:45,795
and suck on my sourdough
starter dick, you fuck?
547
00:32:48,364 --> 00:32:49,699
Are you kidding me?
548
00:32:51,167 --> 00:32:52,768
I didn't bake.
549
00:32:52,835 --> 00:32:55,905
I didn't do pop and fresh.
I didn't do toast.
550
00:32:55,972 --> 00:32:57,773
But with toast, then I
would have to make eggs.
551
00:32:57,840 --> 00:32:59,909
If I made eggs, they'd
have to be sunny side up.
552
00:32:59,976 --> 00:33:01,545
And you never make anything
553
00:33:01,611 --> 00:33:04,047
with the word sunny side
in it during a pandemic.
554
00:33:05,448 --> 00:33:08,017
I didn't sous vide.
555
00:33:08,084 --> 00:33:10,386
Oh yeah, everywhere
throughout the country
556
00:33:10,453 --> 00:33:11,954
people were sous vide-ing.
557
00:33:12,021 --> 00:33:13,589
"I found a new way
to cook meat."
558
00:33:13,656 --> 00:33:16,092
Go fuck yourself.
559
00:33:16,158 --> 00:33:17,860
There were idiots
in New York City
560
00:33:17,927 --> 00:33:20,530
who were smoking
meats in their kitchen
561
00:33:20,597 --> 00:33:25,302
and lived to tell about it.
562
00:33:25,368 --> 00:33:29,906
People became sushi
Zen masters. Not me.
563
00:33:30,540 --> 00:33:35,245
I didn't cook for
myself and nobody,
564
00:33:36,012 --> 00:33:41,017
and I mean nobody, should
cook for themselves ever.
565
00:33:41,717 --> 00:33:44,153
It's the road to madness.
566
00:33:44,220 --> 00:33:48,625
Why? Fractions.
567
00:33:50,727 --> 00:33:52,128
Yeah.
568
00:33:55,331 --> 00:33:57,167
Every recipe,
569
00:33:57,233 --> 00:34:00,470
every recipe in
The Betty Crocker Cookbook
570
00:34:00,537 --> 00:34:03,906
is for a family,
a happy family, of four.
571
00:34:03,973 --> 00:34:08,177
Not for one miserable prick.
572
00:34:08,244 --> 00:34:12,582
What's one quarter of one
16th of a teaspoon of cumin?
573
00:34:13,984 --> 00:34:15,918
That's not a recipe for a meal.
574
00:34:15,984 --> 00:34:18,754
That's a recipe for
a fucking stroke.
575
00:34:24,660 --> 00:34:26,061
I did, um...
576
00:34:27,596 --> 00:34:29,999
The one thing I kind of
made a commitment to,
577
00:34:30,066 --> 00:34:32,969
which I'd never
really done before,
578
00:34:33,035 --> 00:34:35,504
but I really took this one.
I said, yep...
579
00:34:35,571 --> 00:34:36,839
drinking.
580
00:34:38,040 --> 00:34:40,577
Yeah, I started to drink
581
00:34:40,643 --> 00:34:42,812
and I drank some more and
then I drank a bit more.
582
00:34:42,879 --> 00:34:45,815
And then sometimes I
drank more than that.
583
00:34:45,881 --> 00:34:49,151
Yes siree, and I wouldn't
start until seven o'clock.
584
00:34:49,218 --> 00:34:51,488
I showed some
fucking discipline.
585
00:34:51,553 --> 00:34:53,221
But there were some
days I pulled the blinds
586
00:34:53,289 --> 00:34:54,424
and went, "Fuck it."
587
00:34:56,960 --> 00:34:58,160
I drank to forget.
588
00:34:58,227 --> 00:34:59,596
That's why I drank.
589
00:34:59,663 --> 00:35:01,531
I drank to forget
that I'd hadn't become
590
00:35:01,597 --> 00:35:05,468
a sculptor or a gardener.
591
00:35:05,534 --> 00:35:08,738
I hadn't bought a loom.
I wasn't making pot holders.
592
00:35:08,805 --> 00:35:11,640
I wasn't making masks
that on the side said,
593
00:35:11,707 --> 00:35:14,678
"My other mask is an N95."
594
00:35:17,146 --> 00:35:19,649
I didn't exercise, OK?
595
00:35:19,715 --> 00:35:23,286
I didn't buy a Peloton because
I had no kids to feed it.
596
00:35:26,256 --> 00:35:28,391
I didn't...
597
00:35:28,458 --> 00:35:30,493
I didn't, like many people,
598
00:35:30,559 --> 00:35:34,130
run in a marathon
in my apartment.
599
00:35:34,197 --> 00:35:36,766
Who the fuck runs a marathon
in their apartment?!
600
00:35:36,833 --> 00:35:38,768
Those people should be
taken the fuck away.
601
00:35:38,835 --> 00:35:40,436
You've lost your fucking grip
602
00:35:40,503 --> 00:35:42,905
if you're running a
marathon in your apartment.
603
00:35:42,972 --> 00:35:45,208
"Oh, I was doing really well.
Then I ran into the couch,
604
00:35:45,275 --> 00:35:48,478
in the 24 miles and
goddammit I pulled a hammy.
605
00:35:48,545 --> 00:35:50,046
I'm gonna be out for weeks."
606
00:35:50,113 --> 00:35:55,085
Shut up.
607
00:35:57,020 --> 00:35:58,521
I thought I would read.
608
00:35:59,555 --> 00:36:01,724
That's what I
thought I would do.
609
00:36:01,791 --> 00:36:03,959
I really believed I would read.
610
00:36:04,026 --> 00:36:06,028
It was a perfect time for it.
611
00:36:06,095 --> 00:36:08,898
I had a lot of friends who
were reading tons of books.
612
00:36:08,965 --> 00:36:12,468
Two, three, four books a week.
Nothing but time.
613
00:36:12,535 --> 00:36:13,937
I thought, this is the
real opportunity
614
00:36:14,003 --> 00:36:15,304
I've been waiting for.
615
00:36:15,371 --> 00:36:18,441
I'd read some really
remarkable books.
616
00:36:18,507 --> 00:36:21,411
I've read some of
the great books,
617
00:36:21,477 --> 00:36:24,180
and now all of a sudden
I've found myself, fuck,
618
00:36:27,049 --> 00:36:28,217
this could be it.
619
00:36:28,284 --> 00:36:30,819
I could read Moby Dick finally.
620
00:36:30,886 --> 00:36:34,591
I tried a number of times,
but only got to page eight.
621
00:36:34,657 --> 00:36:37,026
I said, "You know what?
Fuck that white whale.
622
00:36:37,093 --> 00:36:38,627
I don't give a shit.
623
00:36:38,694 --> 00:36:40,496
I'm not getting on that
wooden fucking boat
624
00:36:40,563 --> 00:36:45,100
and going to sea.
I'll be vomiting by page 16."
625
00:36:45,167 --> 00:36:48,104
Goddammit, and then I picked up
the book and I tried to read it.
626
00:36:48,171 --> 00:36:50,006
I got to page three,
and my brain said,
627
00:36:50,073 --> 00:36:52,041
"Drop the fucking book,
you're gonna die."
628
00:36:55,245 --> 00:36:56,646
I thought...
629
00:37:00,616 --> 00:37:06,789
I thought that I would
write a play, another play.
630
00:37:06,855 --> 00:37:11,461
You see, until I got into this,
I was a playwright.
631
00:37:11,928 --> 00:37:14,330
I wrote plays until I was 40.
632
00:37:14,396 --> 00:37:16,665
And the reason I like
to talk about this
633
00:37:16,732 --> 00:37:18,468
is 'cause I like to
feel the interest
634
00:37:18,535 --> 00:37:20,703
of the audience leave the room.
635
00:37:20,770 --> 00:37:24,107
Yeah.
636
00:37:25,941 --> 00:37:28,745
This reinforces my
choice in a way.
637
00:37:30,012 --> 00:37:32,282
But I thought, "Goddammit,
638
00:37:32,348 --> 00:37:34,851
this would be a
perfect time to write a play."
639
00:37:34,918 --> 00:37:36,985
But no, no..
640
00:37:37,052 --> 00:37:40,322
You see, I wrote
plays for a long time.
641
00:37:40,389 --> 00:37:41,991
I wrote a lot of plays.
642
00:37:42,058 --> 00:37:43,926
I mean, a fucking lot of plays,
643
00:37:43,993 --> 00:37:47,096
to the interest of nobody.
644
00:37:47,163 --> 00:37:49,031
And I didn't care.
I loved doing it.
645
00:37:49,098 --> 00:37:53,369
I didn't give a shit and I'd
send them out and nothing.
646
00:37:53,436 --> 00:37:56,905
And I made practically
nothing on this.
647
00:37:56,972 --> 00:37:58,274
I wasn't making any money.
648
00:37:58,341 --> 00:38:00,243
You don't make money
as a playwright.
649
00:38:00,310 --> 00:38:03,278
And goddammit I thought,
son of a bitch,
650
00:38:03,345 --> 00:38:04,880
the next one will do it,
and it didn't.
651
00:38:04,947 --> 00:38:06,916
So what I would've done really
652
00:38:06,983 --> 00:38:08,885
was kind of take a...
a vow of poverty.
653
00:38:08,951 --> 00:38:11,887
I guess I wanted to be a
priest, but keep fucking.
654
00:38:14,957 --> 00:38:17,160
And I was getting just
enough reinforcement.
655
00:38:17,227 --> 00:38:18,561
We've all had this in our lives,
656
00:38:18,628 --> 00:38:20,229
when we're trying
to follow a dream,
657
00:38:20,295 --> 00:38:22,365
and we kind of get
reinforced to do something.
658
00:38:22,432 --> 00:38:24,066
Go, yeah, I'm almost there.
659
00:38:24,133 --> 00:38:26,102
And I kept thinking I'm
getting closer and closer.
660
00:38:26,168 --> 00:38:29,705
And then finally a series
of fucking musicals came
661
00:38:29,772 --> 00:38:32,909
to New York and I said,
"I can't write that shit."
662
00:38:32,975 --> 00:38:36,512
Broadway was fucking
awash in fucking nonsense.
663
00:38:36,578 --> 00:38:39,048
And the one that really
drove me out of the theater
664
00:38:39,115 --> 00:38:41,751
is one that I know
many of you love.
665
00:38:41,818 --> 00:38:45,087
It's one of America's
most loved musicals.
666
00:38:45,154 --> 00:38:47,156
And it made me nuts.
667
00:38:47,223 --> 00:38:48,891
Cats.
668
00:38:48,958 --> 00:38:51,093
That's right, yeah,
don't fucking,
669
00:38:51,160 --> 00:38:54,096
some of you fucking
like that, I know it.
670
00:38:54,163 --> 00:38:57,599
Son of a bitch. Cats...
I was...
671
00:38:57,666 --> 00:39:00,235
I had friends in the first
production of Cats.
672
00:39:00,302 --> 00:39:02,405
They actually went
on to become stars.
673
00:39:02,471 --> 00:39:03,772
"Are you coming
to see the show?"
674
00:39:03,839 --> 00:39:05,674
Fuck you, you're
dressed up like a cat.
675
00:39:07,409 --> 00:39:09,645
Unless you're all doing
some sort of a conga line
676
00:39:09,712 --> 00:39:11,714
in a litter box, I'm not coming.
677
00:39:15,551 --> 00:39:17,320
I never saw Cats.
678
00:39:17,386 --> 00:39:20,122
I heard some of the music,
but I never saw it.
679
00:39:20,189 --> 00:39:21,791
I couldn't bring myself to go,
680
00:39:21,858 --> 00:39:24,326
but there was a production
a number of years ago,
681
00:39:24,393 --> 00:39:27,497
just before the shit hit the
fan that was really well worth--
682
00:39:27,563 --> 00:39:30,466
I wish I'd known,
I would've gone.
683
00:39:30,533 --> 00:39:33,603
It was a performance of
Cats, which was disrupted,
684
00:39:33,669 --> 00:39:37,006
when an audience member's
service dog got away...
685
00:39:38,974 --> 00:39:42,011
and began chasing one of
the cat-costumed actors.
686
00:39:45,915 --> 00:39:47,950
This is the first time
one of the actual cats
687
00:39:48,017 --> 00:39:50,787
was involved in an
incident with a dog.
688
00:39:52,555 --> 00:39:54,624
How good is that?
689
00:39:54,691 --> 00:39:56,359
It doesn't get any
better than that.
690
00:39:56,426 --> 00:39:58,327
Theater is--
691
00:39:58,394 --> 00:40:01,630
The best a theater can be, is
when that fourth wall drops;
692
00:40:01,697 --> 00:40:03,132
When it disappears.
693
00:40:03,199 --> 00:40:04,733
It's why at times,
694
00:40:04,800 --> 00:40:06,902
if something happens like
the person whistling,
695
00:40:06,969 --> 00:40:08,704
or that the woman
hooting in the back,
696
00:40:08,771 --> 00:40:11,507
I respond to it because
there's no fucking wall here.
697
00:40:11,573 --> 00:40:13,008
But theater pretends,
698
00:40:13,075 --> 00:40:14,810
and when it disappears...
son of a bitch,
699
00:40:14,877 --> 00:40:16,713
the audience becomes
a part of it.
700
00:40:16,779 --> 00:40:19,649
And when you've got a dog
running around on stage,
701
00:40:19,716 --> 00:40:21,684
there's nothing more
exciting than to hear
702
00:40:21,750 --> 00:40:23,051
♪ Memories... ♪
703
00:40:33,262 --> 00:40:34,864
Oh yeah, I'd have paid...
704
00:40:34,931 --> 00:40:36,732
God, I'd have paid a couple
of thousand dollars
705
00:40:36,798 --> 00:40:38,267
to see that fucking show.
706
00:40:44,740 --> 00:40:46,609
As time went on,
707
00:40:46,676 --> 00:40:48,877
I finally realized
as I began to talk
708
00:40:48,944 --> 00:40:51,580
to my friends
around the country,
709
00:40:51,647 --> 00:40:53,549
that there were places
I could go where
710
00:40:53,616 --> 00:40:56,752
my friends had been doing
the same thing I had.
711
00:40:56,819 --> 00:41:01,023
They were hunkered down,
so that we could get together.
712
00:41:01,089 --> 00:41:02,725
I could visit people.
713
00:41:02,792 --> 00:41:05,561
And one of the things
that made that possible,
714
00:41:05,627 --> 00:41:08,030
was if I wore a mask.
715
00:41:08,097 --> 00:41:10,599
This excited me to no end.
716
00:41:10,666 --> 00:41:13,536
But then there were many
people-- it turns out,
717
00:41:13,603 --> 00:41:16,772
who were really, really
upset about masks.
718
00:41:16,839 --> 00:41:18,574
"Son of a bitch..."
they would scream
719
00:41:18,641 --> 00:41:21,544
"...you're taking
away my freedom!"
720
00:41:22,111 --> 00:41:26,015
"No, I'm asking you
to wear a mask."
721
00:41:27,316 --> 00:41:29,418
Yeah, that's it.
722
00:41:29,485 --> 00:41:31,520
It's that simple,
a mask.
723
00:41:31,587 --> 00:41:33,589
Why did I ask?
724
00:41:33,655 --> 00:41:38,094
Because you see, I have a...
I'm a target for Covid.
725
00:41:38,160 --> 00:41:40,429
So if you're not wearing
a mask and you go...
726
00:41:42,498 --> 00:41:43,566
There's a good chance...
727
00:41:43,632 --> 00:41:45,068
I'm gonna fucking die!
728
00:41:46,668 --> 00:41:47,937
OK?
729
00:41:48,670 --> 00:41:50,239
So don't tell me that,
730
00:41:50,305 --> 00:41:51,673
if I'm asking you
to wear a mask,
731
00:41:51,740 --> 00:41:53,342
I'm taking away your freedom.
732
00:41:53,409 --> 00:41:55,278
If I ask you to put a
ball gag in your mouth
733
00:41:55,344 --> 00:41:57,580
and then wear the mask...
734
00:41:57,646 --> 00:42:00,149
Then, I'm taking
away your freedom.
735
00:42:01,350 --> 00:42:02,651
OK?
736
00:42:04,687 --> 00:42:05,888
And I got...
737
00:42:07,723 --> 00:42:09,158
And if I was wearing a mask--
738
00:42:09,224 --> 00:42:11,627
I was in Florida a
couple of months ago.
739
00:42:11,694 --> 00:42:15,664
If I'm wearing a mask,
that doesn't challenge anybody.
740
00:42:15,731 --> 00:42:18,134
But in Florida, where
there was no pandemic,
741
00:42:18,201 --> 00:42:19,702
it really...
742
00:42:20,836 --> 00:42:23,339
it really was a challenge.
743
00:42:23,405 --> 00:42:25,441
People would look at me,
if I was wearing a mask--
744
00:42:25,508 --> 00:42:27,109
and I'm serious...
745
00:42:27,176 --> 00:42:30,112
as if I had my penis
wrapped around my neck.
746
00:42:30,178 --> 00:42:32,615
And, if I had my penis
wrapped around my neck,
747
00:42:32,682 --> 00:42:35,450
I'll tell you I wouldn't be
doing this shit for a living.
748
00:42:43,025 --> 00:42:44,693
I did...
749
00:42:44,760 --> 00:42:47,429
The thing that, you know,
that was fascinating
750
00:42:47,496 --> 00:42:49,698
was to learn that some
people thought that
751
00:42:49,765 --> 00:42:52,668
health and freedom had
something to do with each other.
752
00:42:52,735 --> 00:42:54,369
They don't.
753
00:42:54,436 --> 00:42:56,338
Health and freedom
are completely separate.
754
00:42:56,405 --> 00:42:58,040
And how do I know that?
755
00:42:58,107 --> 00:42:59,675
How do I know that they're
two different things?
756
00:42:59,742 --> 00:43:01,577
Because they're
spelt differently.
757
00:43:03,913 --> 00:43:07,516
I'll tell you this, OK?
758
00:43:07,583 --> 00:43:09,151
There's a, like,
759
00:43:09,217 --> 00:43:11,353
If I had not thought of
this three weeks ago,
760
00:43:11,420 --> 00:43:13,189
and thought of this
at the very beginning
761
00:43:13,255 --> 00:43:15,658
when people they were asking
people to wear masks...
762
00:43:15,724 --> 00:43:18,860
I will tell you that
what I should have done...
763
00:43:18,927 --> 00:43:22,632
I should have come up with
a mask with a nipple in it.
764
00:43:26,302 --> 00:43:28,871
There isn't... and I know there
are folks out there because
765
00:43:28,937 --> 00:43:30,539
of your response
to certain things,
766
00:43:30,606 --> 00:43:33,876
that the mask thing I
said really bothered you.
767
00:43:33,943 --> 00:43:35,344
But I'm gonna tell you fuckers,
768
00:43:35,411 --> 00:43:37,213
if I put a nipple in that mask,
769
00:43:37,280 --> 00:43:39,182
you'd be sucking away right now.
770
00:43:40,883 --> 00:43:42,251
No kidding.
771
00:43:42,318 --> 00:43:45,020
If a nip--
if you don't find a nipple
772
00:43:45,087 --> 00:43:47,222
to be reason enough
to put on a mask,
773
00:43:47,289 --> 00:43:51,026
you see a fucking
psychiatrist, OK?
774
00:43:51,093 --> 00:43:54,630
On the list of shit that
is wonderful in this world,
775
00:43:54,696 --> 00:43:58,033
nipples at least
is number three.
776
00:43:58,100 --> 00:44:01,703
Goddammit! Everybody would
be walking around.
777
00:44:01,770 --> 00:44:03,139
Nobody'd be
listening to anybody.
778
00:44:04,273 --> 00:44:06,475
I can't hear you.
779
00:44:06,541 --> 00:44:08,544
And if I got liquid to
go through that nipple,
780
00:44:08,611 --> 00:44:11,247
holy fuck, I'd be the President.
781
00:44:24,760 --> 00:44:28,597
They... there's a... they think
we're "going back to normal."
782
00:44:28,663 --> 00:44:30,766
They keep saying that.
783
00:44:30,833 --> 00:44:32,601
I mean, is
"going back to normal"
784
00:44:32,668 --> 00:44:35,738
having Steve Bannon in the
White House, is that normal?
785
00:44:35,805 --> 00:44:38,073
Steve Bannon?
Does that make sense?
786
00:44:38,140 --> 00:44:41,110
Steve Bannon, why would you
have him at the White House?
787
00:44:41,176 --> 00:44:44,547
Why would you have him
at the White House? OK?
788
00:44:44,614 --> 00:44:46,482
That I don't understand because,
789
00:44:46,549 --> 00:44:48,651
I wouldn't wanna
look at Steve Bannon
790
00:44:48,717 --> 00:44:50,786
and not, but not
on any kind of a--
791
00:44:50,853 --> 00:44:54,623
Steve Bannon looks
exactly like how I feel
792
00:44:54,690 --> 00:44:56,024
when I'm hungover.
793
00:44:59,361 --> 00:45:01,297
Would you put Kellyanne Conway
back in the White House?
794
00:45:01,363 --> 00:45:02,798
Is that normal?
795
00:45:02,864 --> 00:45:05,600
Kellyanne Conway is
somebody you choose
796
00:45:05,667 --> 00:45:08,270
to kill your daughter's
cheerleading rival.
797
00:45:14,109 --> 00:45:18,046
We've gone back to,
we've gone back to, really...
798
00:45:18,113 --> 00:45:20,316
We're in abnormal...
799
00:45:20,383 --> 00:45:22,485
we tripled down on abnormal.
800
00:45:22,551 --> 00:45:24,686
We are so abnormal
in certain ways,
801
00:45:24,753 --> 00:45:26,988
that we've made countries
that used to look abnormal,
802
00:45:27,055 --> 00:45:29,658
look fucking normal.
803
00:45:29,725 --> 00:45:32,695
We're going through
really unusual times,
804
00:45:32,761 --> 00:45:35,030
really strange times.
805
00:45:35,097 --> 00:45:36,332
OK?
806
00:45:36,398 --> 00:45:40,469
The vaccine I...
See... I that--
807
00:45:40,536 --> 00:45:43,205
The president,
the... the leader,
808
00:45:43,272 --> 00:45:45,207
made... made--
809
00:45:45,274 --> 00:45:48,143
said that
we were gonna have a vaccine
810
00:45:48,210 --> 00:45:49,511
at warp speed.
811
00:45:49,578 --> 00:45:51,146
And he did it.
812
00:45:51,213 --> 00:45:52,682
It was done.
813
00:45:52,748 --> 00:45:55,351
To his credit, that
vaccine was created
814
00:45:55,418 --> 00:45:58,187
like fucking nobody's business.
815
00:45:58,254 --> 00:46:02,591
I thought, that since
he was a Republican,
816
00:46:02,658 --> 00:46:05,194
and there were...
817
00:46:05,261 --> 00:46:07,663
there was a lot of Republicans,
818
00:46:07,730 --> 00:46:11,233
that they would take the vaccine
819
00:46:11,300 --> 00:46:14,036
- and a lot of them...
- didn't.
820
00:46:15,637 --> 00:46:18,774
And I went,
"Fuck, did I miss a day?"
821
00:46:22,477 --> 00:46:23,913
I was big on the vaccine.
822
00:46:23,980 --> 00:46:25,681
And the one of the
reasons is 'cause:
823
00:46:25,748 --> 00:46:27,583
I didn't wanna fucking die!
824
00:46:31,219 --> 00:46:34,690
And I was big on
the vaccine because...
825
00:46:34,756 --> 00:46:38,493
My mother was my role model
when it came to health.
826
00:46:38,560 --> 00:46:40,195
And my mother
827
00:46:40,262 --> 00:46:43,733
took every vaccine
that came down the pike.
828
00:46:43,799 --> 00:46:48,270
Every single vaccination
you could fucking have.
829
00:46:49,605 --> 00:46:51,373
My mother took it.
830
00:46:51,440 --> 00:46:55,077
One, after the other,
after the other and...
831
00:46:55,143 --> 00:46:57,680
she's now a
hundred and three!
832
00:46:57,746 --> 00:47:01,584
So...
833
00:47:01,650 --> 00:47:04,586
it wasn't a tough
decision for me.
834
00:47:04,653 --> 00:47:06,789
It's what I thought,
"Fuck, this is perfect.
835
00:47:06,856 --> 00:47:08,957
I'm gonna take the vaccine."
836
00:47:09,024 --> 00:47:10,592
As a matter of
fact, I would take--
837
00:47:10,659 --> 00:47:14,129
if my bathtub,
instead of giving water
838
00:47:14,196 --> 00:47:17,666
had a vaccine in it,
I'd be bathing every day.
839
00:47:19,568 --> 00:47:20,836
Uh-uh.
840
00:47:20,903 --> 00:47:22,971
But what I didn't
understand,
841
00:47:23,038 --> 00:47:25,507
was my...my generation.
842
00:47:25,574 --> 00:47:28,243
I didn't understand how
people my age
843
00:47:28,310 --> 00:47:29,611
didn't take the vaccine.
844
00:47:29,678 --> 00:47:31,446
I didn't get it.
845
00:47:31,513 --> 00:47:34,049
I could understand how other
people might be skeptical.
846
00:47:34,116 --> 00:47:35,818
Not my generation.
847
00:47:35,885 --> 00:47:38,887
My generation, I thought,
pretty much gets it.
848
00:47:38,954 --> 00:47:40,723
Because, my generation
went through
849
00:47:40,790 --> 00:47:42,324
the greatest science experiment
850
00:47:42,391 --> 00:47:43,959
in the history of the country.
851
00:47:44,026 --> 00:47:47,229
My generation took
the polio vaccine.
852
00:47:47,296 --> 00:47:49,498
My generation...
853
00:47:49,565 --> 00:47:52,601
and nobody knew what the
fuck was gonna happen.
854
00:47:52,668 --> 00:47:53,936
Nobody.
855
00:47:54,003 --> 00:47:55,637
They took us out
into the schoolyard,
856
00:47:55,704 --> 00:47:58,507
and had a giant
hypodermic needle,
857
00:47:58,574 --> 00:48:00,175
and "Take this in the
arm and if you don't,
858
00:48:00,242 --> 00:48:01,543
you're gonna lay on the ground
859
00:48:01,610 --> 00:48:03,278
and we're gonna shove
it up your ass."
860
00:48:07,183 --> 00:48:08,717
And that's because
our parents said,
861
00:48:08,783 --> 00:48:11,186
"Listen you little shit,
you're taking that shot
862
00:48:11,253 --> 00:48:13,321
whether you fucking
like it or not."
863
00:48:13,388 --> 00:48:15,758
And that's it.
864
00:48:18,427 --> 00:48:21,196
Because we don't wanna
be watching television
865
00:48:21,263 --> 00:48:23,399
and listen to your
fucking iron lung
866
00:48:23,465 --> 00:48:27,736
rattle in the background.
867
00:48:35,510 --> 00:48:37,646
I didn't understand what made
868
00:48:37,712 --> 00:48:40,782
Americans fear the
vaccine so much.
869
00:48:40,849 --> 00:48:43,318
I never quite understood that.
870
00:48:43,385 --> 00:48:48,290
Where we advertise on
television, pharmaceuticals.
871
00:48:48,357 --> 00:48:51,327
We advertise pharmaceuticals,
and those ads must work,
872
00:48:51,393 --> 00:48:54,163
'cause people are fucking
buying those pharmaceuticals,
873
00:48:54,229 --> 00:48:56,732
and some of the fucking
things that you can get,
874
00:48:56,798 --> 00:48:59,902
they're telling you that
you could get fucked
875
00:48:59,969 --> 00:49:02,070
by any one of these things.
876
00:49:02,137 --> 00:49:04,673
You don't wanna be allergic
to it, you could die.
877
00:49:04,740 --> 00:49:07,009
Boy, you might
shit yourself out,
878
00:49:07,076 --> 00:49:08,443
and you'll be living inside out.
879
00:49:08,510 --> 00:49:10,112
Your outsides will be out,
880
00:49:10,179 --> 00:49:11,947
your inside...
881
00:49:12,014 --> 00:49:14,449
What? Are you fucking,
people are buying it.
882
00:49:14,516 --> 00:49:16,518
And maybe the problem
we have with vaccines
883
00:49:16,585 --> 00:49:19,754
is we didn't advertise how
shitty the reaction would be.
884
00:49:19,821 --> 00:49:20,856
You're fucked.
885
00:49:20,923 --> 00:49:22,591
We should have told people,
886
00:49:22,657 --> 00:49:23,959
"Yeah, take that vaccine,
it's really gonna fuck you up,
887
00:49:24,025 --> 00:49:25,260
your eyes will cross."
888
00:49:25,327 --> 00:49:26,561
Look, I can't wait to get it!
889
00:49:29,331 --> 00:49:32,434
In a goddamn country
denying the fucking,
890
00:49:32,501 --> 00:49:33,902
"I'm not taking the vaccine."
891
00:49:33,969 --> 00:49:36,538
But we buy $12 billion
in supplements.
892
00:49:36,605 --> 00:49:38,373
What the fuck are we thinking?
893
00:49:38,440 --> 00:49:40,175
You gotta be kidding me.
894
00:49:40,242 --> 00:49:42,611
They're supplements, you idiot.
They're not regulated.
895
00:49:42,678 --> 00:49:46,115
People put whatever the shit
they want to in those capsules.
896
00:49:46,181 --> 00:49:48,116
Figure it the fuck out.
897
00:49:48,183 --> 00:49:49,718
Goddammit.
898
00:49:49,785 --> 00:49:52,454
It's in a CVS.
It's in a Walmart,
899
00:49:52,521 --> 00:49:55,190
it's in a goddamn Duane Reade.
900
00:49:55,257 --> 00:49:58,060
It's sitting there.
You... goddammit.
901
00:49:58,127 --> 00:50:00,195
"Oh boy. I'm taking these pills
902
00:50:00,262 --> 00:50:02,597
because Frank Amundsen
and Doug Flutie,
903
00:50:02,664 --> 00:50:04,966
they took their pills, and
they got bigger dicks now."
904
00:50:05,033 --> 00:50:07,168
Are you kidding me?
905
00:50:07,235 --> 00:50:09,738
The fuck planet
are you living on?
906
00:50:11,473 --> 00:50:13,676
They're sitting, the goddamn
things, they're sitting,
907
00:50:13,742 --> 00:50:16,278
these supplements are
right next to Tampax's.
908
00:50:16,345 --> 00:50:18,681
And if I covered a
Tampax in chocolate,
909
00:50:18,747 --> 00:50:21,183
and tried to sell it as
something that'd give you
910
00:50:21,249 --> 00:50:23,485
your hair back, people would
be fucking biting down.
911
00:50:25,253 --> 00:50:28,190
We're taking CBD oil like
there's no fucking tomorrow.
912
00:50:28,257 --> 00:50:30,125
No, and it's not regulated.
913
00:50:30,192 --> 00:50:31,460
Some people have great CBD,
914
00:50:31,527 --> 00:50:33,295
and they really give
a shit about it.
915
00:50:33,362 --> 00:50:34,996
But a lot of them
don't give a fuck.
916
00:50:35,063 --> 00:50:36,598
There are truck
stops I've been to
917
00:50:36,665 --> 00:50:39,267
where they don't even
know how to spell CBD.
918
00:50:39,334 --> 00:50:41,403
Goddammit.
919
00:50:41,469 --> 00:50:43,172
I'm surprised there
are people who took,
920
00:50:43,238 --> 00:50:44,439
fucking comes from a weed
921
00:50:44,506 --> 00:50:46,108
that grows by the
side of the road.
922
00:50:46,175 --> 00:50:48,143
I'm surprised we don't
see thousands of Americans
923
00:50:48,210 --> 00:50:51,513
on their hands and knees
chewing that shit up.
924
00:50:51,580 --> 00:50:54,350
Goddammit.
I'm taking a fucking supplement.
925
00:50:54,416 --> 00:50:57,118
It's called Ashwagandha.
That's how hip I am.
926
00:50:57,185 --> 00:51:00,155
It's an Indian herb, and it's
supposed to make you calm.
927
00:51:00,222 --> 00:51:02,925
That's really
fucking working out.
928
00:51:19,475 --> 00:51:23,345
One thing that we...
One thing that we really...
929
00:51:23,411 --> 00:51:25,647
got to deal with
in this country,
930
00:51:25,714 --> 00:51:27,582
is we have to deal with
931
00:51:27,649 --> 00:51:32,387
the truly crazy people
that walk amongst us.
932
00:51:33,655 --> 00:51:35,657
We used to do that.
933
00:51:35,724 --> 00:51:37,726
If somebody did something
crazy, we didn't go,
934
00:51:37,793 --> 00:51:41,162
"Well, let's try to
understand that." No!
935
00:51:42,764 --> 00:51:45,634
No! We went, "Holy fuck.
936
00:51:45,701 --> 00:51:48,203
You're gonna go have to sit
there for a while in the tent
937
00:51:48,270 --> 00:51:50,672
with the white lab coat guy."
938
00:51:50,739 --> 00:51:53,374
Yes, we did.
939
00:51:53,441 --> 00:51:56,978
And the reason we had to
clear out the truly cray-crays
940
00:51:57,045 --> 00:52:01,383
is because the rest of us have
real mental health issues.
941
00:52:01,449 --> 00:52:03,718
And if you don't think you
have a mental health issue
942
00:52:03,785 --> 00:52:07,022
after being alone
943
00:52:07,089 --> 00:52:08,923
on one level or another
944
00:52:08,990 --> 00:52:13,394
for the last fucking few years,
something is wrong with you.
945
00:52:15,196 --> 00:52:16,731
We all have the problem.
946
00:52:16,798 --> 00:52:19,301
It's nothing to be
ashamed of, OK?
947
00:52:19,368 --> 00:52:21,570
I had never
experienced depression.
948
00:52:21,637 --> 00:52:24,706
I had never experienced anxiety.
949
00:52:24,773 --> 00:52:27,309
And then, goddammit,
950
00:52:27,375 --> 00:52:30,612
we have got to find a way
951
00:52:30,679 --> 00:52:33,248
so that we can deal
with our problems
952
00:52:33,315 --> 00:52:34,650
and our children's problems.
953
00:52:34,716 --> 00:52:36,118
All right?
954
00:52:36,185 --> 00:52:37,753
Because if you allow, look,
955
00:52:37,820 --> 00:52:40,255
to allow Q-Anon to run amok,
956
00:52:40,322 --> 00:52:42,056
they're nuts, OK?
957
00:52:42,123 --> 00:52:44,125
And I don't give a fuck
if your cousin's in Q-Anon
958
00:52:44,192 --> 00:52:45,760
and you don't think he's nuts.
959
00:52:45,827 --> 00:52:47,763
I'm not a psychiatrist,
960
00:52:47,830 --> 00:52:50,565
but I know cray-cray
when I fucking see it.
961
00:52:51,666 --> 00:52:53,369
I'm old enough.
962
00:52:55,137 --> 00:52:56,905
I get it.
963
00:52:56,971 --> 00:52:58,607
Goddammit.
964
00:52:58,673 --> 00:53:00,142
Pedophiles everywhere.
965
00:53:00,209 --> 00:53:01,977
There are pedophiles
everywhere, they yell.
966
00:53:02,043 --> 00:53:03,545
That's what these Q-Anon,
967
00:53:03,612 --> 00:53:05,313
son of a bitch, they're
out in Hollywood.
968
00:53:05,380 --> 00:53:07,782
They're politicians. Fuck you!
969
00:53:07,849 --> 00:53:11,386
Goddammit, put that energy
into finding real pedophiles.
970
00:53:11,453 --> 00:53:14,256
What are you wasting
fucking time for?
971
00:53:14,322 --> 00:53:17,426
You gonna tell me
Hillary Clinton is a pedophile?
972
00:53:17,492 --> 00:53:19,194
Are you fucking nuts?
973
00:53:19,261 --> 00:53:21,930
Hillary Clinton doesn't want
to have sex with children,
974
00:53:21,997 --> 00:53:25,366
Hillary Clinton doesn't even
want to have sex anymore.
975
00:53:32,707 --> 00:53:37,212
And then, and this is
when we could have got 'em,
976
00:53:37,279 --> 00:53:41,183
a bunch of them gathered
down in Dealey Plaza.
977
00:53:41,250 --> 00:53:44,452
That was where they
killed President Kennedy.
978
00:53:44,519 --> 00:53:46,221
And they said that,
979
00:53:47,856 --> 00:53:52,527
that they believed that
John F. Kennedy Jr.
980
00:53:52,594 --> 00:53:55,029
was gonna come back.
981
00:53:55,096 --> 00:53:57,966
Now...
982
00:53:58,033 --> 00:54:02,604
I don't think when somebody
comes back from the dead,
983
00:54:02,671 --> 00:54:05,173
they go to the place where
their father's killed.
984
00:54:06,908 --> 00:54:08,911
So, I called him up to see,
985
00:54:09,878 --> 00:54:12,814
and he said,
"No, I'm not coming back.
986
00:54:12,881 --> 00:54:14,716
I've got, I'm coming
in three weeks.
987
00:54:14,783 --> 00:54:17,485
That's when my
flying lesson is."
988
00:54:24,126 --> 00:54:25,994
That's worth the whole evening.
989
00:54:29,664 --> 00:54:33,034
That... that's what upsets you.
And it's good you have empathy.
990
00:54:33,101 --> 00:54:34,836
We don't have empathy
for live people,
991
00:54:34,903 --> 00:54:37,705
but fucking dead people,
we're right on it.
992
00:54:40,943 --> 00:54:42,510
And he was coming back
'cause he was gonna
993
00:54:42,577 --> 00:54:44,546
meet up with Donald Trump.
994
00:54:44,613 --> 00:54:46,748
This is what they said.
995
00:54:46,815 --> 00:54:49,718
And then the two of them
would go to the White House
996
00:54:49,784 --> 00:54:52,487
and kick out the Ghost
of Christmas Past.
997
00:54:55,757 --> 00:54:57,759
They were all there,
998
00:54:57,826 --> 00:55:01,863
there was a whole bunch of
them there in Dealey Plaza.
999
00:55:01,930 --> 00:55:04,766
Just... there.
1000
00:55:04,833 --> 00:55:06,901
And all we needed to do was
1001
00:55:06,968 --> 00:55:10,104
fly over them and drop a net.
1002
00:55:18,113 --> 00:55:19,881
In the end...
1003
00:55:19,947 --> 00:55:22,050
I think what...
1004
00:55:22,117 --> 00:55:25,219
I think what really got to me,
1005
00:55:25,286 --> 00:55:27,722
and I think got to
all of us in a way,
1006
00:55:27,789 --> 00:55:33,561
was the lack of companionship.
1007
00:55:33,628 --> 00:55:36,831
And companionship, you may
have been with your family,
1008
00:55:36,898 --> 00:55:38,599
but you weren't out
in the public square,
1009
00:55:38,666 --> 00:55:40,769
you weren't with people.
1010
00:55:40,836 --> 00:55:43,104
And that makes a difference.
1011
00:55:43,171 --> 00:55:45,607
Because otherwise you're
just staring at your phone,
1012
00:55:45,674 --> 00:55:49,043
yelling at that prick
who you don't know.
1013
00:55:49,110 --> 00:55:51,146
Sending out little
things to tell them
1014
00:55:51,212 --> 00:55:53,548
what an asshole they are.
1015
00:55:53,615 --> 00:55:55,918
And that was a big problem.
1016
00:55:55,984 --> 00:55:58,620
Because if you're not
with those people,
1017
00:55:58,687 --> 00:56:02,657
you start to realize, you know,
you get separated from them.
1018
00:56:02,724 --> 00:56:06,728
I know that something was
wrong with that separation.
1019
00:56:06,795 --> 00:56:10,665
I know because I began
to miss assholes.
1020
00:56:11,966 --> 00:56:13,468
Their presence.
1021
00:56:13,535 --> 00:56:15,470
Not on the phone, I don't
need 'em on the phone,
1022
00:56:15,536 --> 00:56:16,904
I need them right
in front of me,
1023
00:56:16,971 --> 00:56:18,673
saying something
really fucking stupid.
1024
00:56:19,841 --> 00:56:21,376
And then we can talk about
1025
00:56:21,443 --> 00:56:22,844
baseball teams we like.
1026
00:56:22,910 --> 00:56:24,512
But you need assholes.
1027
00:56:24,579 --> 00:56:26,548
Assholes make us better.
1028
00:56:26,614 --> 00:56:29,484
Not on a screen, but when
they're there in the room.
1029
00:56:29,550 --> 00:56:31,019
Fucking A.
1030
00:56:31,086 --> 00:56:33,521
"Oh, boy," you say,
"I may be an asshole,
1031
00:56:33,588 --> 00:56:37,558
but that's a bigger asshole."
1032
00:56:37,625 --> 00:56:41,529
And I was really, I was
fucking, what fucked me up
1033
00:56:41,596 --> 00:56:44,866
was a lack of
companionship at that time.
1034
00:56:44,933 --> 00:56:47,669
That sense of being
amongst people.
1035
00:56:47,736 --> 00:56:50,038
My friends, early
on in the pandemic
1036
00:56:50,104 --> 00:56:52,841
when I was losing
my goddamn grip,
1037
00:56:52,908 --> 00:56:56,644
said, "You know what you need?
You need a cat."
1038
00:56:59,447 --> 00:57:01,682
Those people are no
longer my friends.
1039
00:57:04,385 --> 00:57:05,954
There's something
wrong with cats.
1040
00:57:06,021 --> 00:57:07,522
There's something
wrong with cats.
1041
00:57:07,589 --> 00:57:09,357
There's something wrong
with fucking cats.
1042
00:57:09,423 --> 00:57:10,958
There's something
wrong with cats.
1043
00:57:11,025 --> 00:57:12,326
And the only people
who don't know
1044
00:57:12,393 --> 00:57:14,062
that there's something
wrong with cats,
1045
00:57:14,129 --> 00:57:16,198
are people who own cats.
1046
00:57:16,264 --> 00:57:18,333
And they own cats because
they don't trust people.
1047
00:57:18,400 --> 00:57:20,201
No, what they trust
is a cat.
1048
00:57:20,268 --> 00:57:22,037
And nobody should trust a cat,
1049
00:57:22,103 --> 00:57:24,039
because these people have
never looked in a cat's eyes,
1050
00:57:24,105 --> 00:57:26,241
and don't you ever
look in a cat's eyes!
1051
00:57:26,308 --> 00:57:29,744
I have. And a cat will
try to suck your soul out.
1052
00:57:29,811 --> 00:57:31,345
My soul is this big,
1053
00:57:31,412 --> 00:57:33,447
and I got involved in
a fight with a tomcat,
1054
00:57:33,514 --> 00:57:34,616
that son of a bitch.
1055
00:57:34,683 --> 00:57:36,017
What if he got my soul?
1056
00:57:36,084 --> 00:57:37,419
What would that fucker
do with it?
1057
00:57:37,486 --> 00:57:38,920
I had to kick it
in the mouth,
1058
00:57:38,987 --> 00:57:40,722
that son of a bitch.
1059
00:57:40,789 --> 00:57:42,690
If a cat weighed twenty
pounds more, it would eat you,
1060
00:57:42,757 --> 00:57:43,791
it would eat you,
it would eat you.
1061
00:57:43,858 --> 00:57:45,560
It would eat you.
1062
00:57:45,626 --> 00:57:47,862
People who own cats say
when it rubs up against me,
1063
00:57:47,929 --> 00:57:49,130
it makes that purring sound.
1064
00:57:49,197 --> 00:57:50,465
It's telling me it loves me.
1065
00:57:50,532 --> 00:57:52,100
No, it's not,
It's telling you,
1066
00:57:52,167 --> 00:57:55,170
"You may feed me,
but soon I will feed on you."
1067
00:57:56,138 --> 00:57:57,439
Yes, siree, Bob.
1068
00:57:57,505 --> 00:57:59,207
Oh, but it makes
that pretty sound.
1069
00:57:59,274 --> 00:58:02,177
That sounds, sounds like
there's a fucking engine inside.
1070
00:58:02,244 --> 00:58:04,279
Sometimes I think that
cats aren't animals.
1071
00:58:04,345 --> 00:58:06,080
They're fucking machines.
1072
00:58:06,147 --> 00:58:07,415
OK? They shit in a box.
1073
00:58:07,482 --> 00:58:08,950
They shit in a box.
1074
00:58:09,016 --> 00:58:12,354
They shit in a box.
They shit in a box.
1075
00:58:12,420 --> 00:58:14,022
A cat shits in a box.
1076
00:58:14,089 --> 00:58:15,856
No other animal shits in a box.
1077
00:58:15,923 --> 00:58:19,127
During the fall, do you ever see
goddamn squirrel building a hut
1078
00:58:19,194 --> 00:58:20,795
for himself to take a shit?
1079
00:58:20,862 --> 00:58:22,230
No, you don't.
1080
00:58:22,297 --> 00:58:24,132
No, because the cat's hiding
1081
00:58:24,199 --> 00:58:26,067
in there to send the
tapes they've been making
1082
00:58:26,134 --> 00:58:28,302
of you back to the
mothership, asshole.
1083
00:58:28,369 --> 00:58:30,338
They've been tracking you.
1084
00:58:30,405 --> 00:58:34,276
They're the ones that control
space lasers, not us Jews.
1085
00:58:52,594 --> 00:58:54,696
So...
1086
00:58:54,762 --> 00:58:58,333
I was asked a lot as
I was sitting around
1087
00:58:58,400 --> 00:59:01,269
I do these interviews, you know,
1088
00:59:01,335 --> 00:59:03,237
"Boy, you're not working.
1089
00:59:03,304 --> 00:59:07,575
What, what do you miss the most
about, you know, performing?
1090
00:59:07,642 --> 00:59:10,145
Do you miss the laughter?"
1091
00:59:10,211 --> 00:59:12,514
I said, "What? Laughter?"
1092
00:59:12,581 --> 00:59:14,749
I said, "I do a lot of
performing and...
1093
00:59:14,816 --> 00:59:17,419
and... to no laughs.
1094
00:59:18,753 --> 00:59:20,422
And I do a lot of times
1095
00:59:20,488 --> 00:59:24,025
that I'll hear laughter
and no one is there."
1096
00:59:28,196 --> 00:59:29,731
Yes, siree, Bob.
1097
00:59:31,766 --> 00:59:34,069
Yeah, no, I said, what I missed,
1098
00:59:35,469 --> 00:59:37,138
and this is what I missed
1099
00:59:37,205 --> 00:59:39,674
was my relationship
with the audience.
1100
00:59:39,741 --> 00:59:43,177
What I missed is the
fact that I miss you.
1101
00:59:43,244 --> 00:59:45,814
I missed my...
but this is...
1102
00:59:54,256 --> 00:59:55,824
This is really sad for you.
1103
00:59:55,891 --> 00:59:57,525
This is sad what I'm gonna say.
1104
00:59:57,591 --> 00:59:59,294
But it's sad for you,
1105
00:59:59,361 --> 01:00:03,465
it's that you are my
primary relationship.
1106
01:00:05,266 --> 01:00:08,369
And you are, you're
the ones I talk to
1107
01:00:08,436 --> 01:00:11,539
and you've given me
a, you've, you've come
1108
01:00:11,606 --> 01:00:14,142
out year after year after year,
1109
01:00:14,209 --> 01:00:16,144
and I'm in front of you
1110
01:00:16,210 --> 01:00:20,815
and you allow me to, to
basically write in front of you.
1111
01:00:20,882 --> 01:00:23,318
I'm writing in front of you.
1112
01:00:23,385 --> 01:00:25,419
It takes a fucking
idiot to do that.
1113
01:00:25,486 --> 01:00:27,088
And it takes a group of people
1114
01:00:27,154 --> 01:00:29,724
who are also idiots...
1115
01:00:29,790 --> 01:00:34,195
to come out and give me
that kind of freedom.
1116
01:00:34,261 --> 01:00:36,264
It's extraordinary to me.
1117
01:00:36,331 --> 01:00:39,267
You've given me a gift that I
will never be able to repay.
1118
01:00:39,334 --> 01:00:41,570
And for that, I deeply
thank all of you.
1119
01:00:53,148 --> 01:00:54,649
And...
1120
01:00:58,787 --> 01:01:00,455
well, don't,
1121
01:01:01,322 --> 01:01:02,857
let's not push it.
1122
01:01:11,833 --> 01:01:14,836
And so in the end,
what I realized is, is that...
1123
01:01:19,874 --> 01:01:21,209
I really...
1124
01:01:22,677 --> 01:01:24,079
I really don't like you.
1125
01:01:27,782 --> 01:01:32,087
But tragically, I need you.
1126
01:01:32,153 --> 01:01:35,357
So, please take care
of each other and...
1127
01:01:35,423 --> 01:01:36,925
and I love you.
1128
01:01:38,492 --> 01:01:40,028
I can't thank you enough.
1129
01:01:40,095 --> 01:01:41,162
Good night.
79465
Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.