All language subtitles for Lewis.Black.Tragically.I.Need.You.2023.720p.WEBRip.x264.AAC-[YTS.MX]

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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:07,000 Downloaded from YTS.MX 2 00:00:08,000 --> 00:00:13,000 Official YIFY movies site: YTS.MX 3 00:01:17,943 --> 00:01:21,312 Ladies and gentlemen, Lewis Black! 4 00:01:47,071 --> 00:01:50,442 Now that's the... sound of an audience 5 00:01:50,508 --> 00:01:52,743 that hasn't been out for a while. 6 00:01:57,515 --> 00:02:02,086 I'm really thrilled... 7 00:02:02,153 --> 00:02:06,257 at the level of excitement you're bringing this evening. 8 00:02:07,892 --> 00:02:09,060 Tone it down. 9 00:02:12,096 --> 00:02:14,599 You know, I... 'cause I really... 10 00:02:14,666 --> 00:02:16,034 really wish I was... 11 00:02:17,502 --> 00:02:19,704 even half as excited as you are. 12 00:02:22,674 --> 00:02:24,408 But I think... 13 00:02:24,475 --> 00:02:28,746 I think that music, you know... is... 14 00:02:28,813 --> 00:02:30,581 Eh! 15 00:02:30,648 --> 00:02:34,986 It's... I mean, it's great, but it's over the top. 16 00:02:35,987 --> 00:02:40,057 It creates an expectation in this room that, 17 00:02:40,124 --> 00:02:44,396 you know, you hear this and you get fucking pumped 18 00:02:44,463 --> 00:02:48,066 and you think what's gonna come out. 19 00:02:48,133 --> 00:02:50,969 You know, jugglers and sword swallowers 20 00:02:51,036 --> 00:02:54,439 and fire eaters and gymnasts 21 00:02:54,506 --> 00:02:57,275 and fucking wild animals even. 22 00:02:57,341 --> 00:03:00,812 Jaguars and tigers and... 23 00:03:00,879 --> 00:03:02,447 and then... 24 00:03:02,513 --> 00:03:06,050 and then just one aging Jew wanders on the stage. 25 00:03:14,993 --> 00:03:17,396 And let me just say, I know that for those of you 26 00:03:17,462 --> 00:03:21,932 who came here tonight and don't know me. 27 00:03:21,999 --> 00:03:26,504 You were probably just a bit shocked. 28 00:03:26,571 --> 00:03:28,706 You thought... 29 00:03:28,773 --> 00:03:32,310 "I came all the way for this?" 30 00:03:34,412 --> 00:03:38,149 And if you don't know me, 31 00:03:38,216 --> 00:03:40,752 I'm just going to tell you upfront. 32 00:03:40,819 --> 00:03:43,421 This...uh... 33 00:03:43,488 --> 00:03:45,089 This could be a long night. 34 00:03:45,156 --> 00:03:48,993 It really could. 35 00:03:49,060 --> 00:03:52,163 And if you get upset tonight... 36 00:03:52,230 --> 00:03:55,066 uh... it's on you. 37 00:03:58,303 --> 00:04:02,673 It's... It's not on me. 38 00:04:02,740 --> 00:04:04,242 OK? 39 00:04:04,308 --> 00:04:07,979 All right, you had ample opportunity, OK? 40 00:04:08,046 --> 00:04:12,217 Including the pandemic which gave you a fucking ton of time. 41 00:04:14,119 --> 00:04:16,487 So do a little research 42 00:04:16,554 --> 00:04:19,024 and kind of see who you were coming... 43 00:04:19,090 --> 00:04:21,859 Oh, I'm gonna go see this person. 44 00:04:21,926 --> 00:04:23,995 But you fucking didn't. 45 00:04:24,062 --> 00:04:26,330 You didn't do your homework. 46 00:04:26,397 --> 00:04:28,332 If you had children 47 00:04:28,399 --> 00:04:30,868 and you went to a movie you'd read the review, wouldn't you? 48 00:04:30,935 --> 00:04:32,903 And you'd sit there and go, you know, 49 00:04:32,970 --> 00:04:35,907 so that when you ended up at the movie with your kids, 50 00:04:35,973 --> 00:04:38,309 you didn't find yourself in the middle of it going, 51 00:04:38,376 --> 00:04:39,910 "Fuck, they killed everybody!" 52 00:04:42,214 --> 00:04:47,085 So what's gonna happen is... 53 00:04:47,151 --> 00:04:50,888 I'm gonna say some things 54 00:04:50,955 --> 00:04:55,794 and you're not really gonna hear them. 55 00:04:55,860 --> 00:04:57,295 What you're going to hear 56 00:04:57,361 --> 00:05:00,365 is that you're gonna feel 57 00:05:00,431 --> 00:05:04,469 as if I have challenged your basic belief system. 58 00:05:04,535 --> 00:05:06,270 You're going to feel that 59 00:05:06,337 --> 00:05:09,240 somehow I have fucking insulted you 60 00:05:09,307 --> 00:05:10,908 on a level you never imagined. 61 00:05:16,848 --> 00:05:18,149 And... 62 00:05:19,651 --> 00:05:23,221 what I've said, all I said was a joke. 63 00:05:24,489 --> 00:05:25,456 That was it. 64 00:05:25,523 --> 00:05:27,959 Just a joke. 65 00:05:28,025 --> 00:05:30,094 But what you're going to hear is, 66 00:05:30,161 --> 00:05:32,563 "Your mother sucks cocks in hell!" 67 00:05:39,404 --> 00:05:41,105 And that isn't what I said. 68 00:05:44,475 --> 00:05:48,146 OK? It's not even close. 69 00:05:48,213 --> 00:05:50,749 And you have to understand, OK, 70 00:05:50,815 --> 00:05:55,719 that I have been doing this for a long time, and... 71 00:05:55,786 --> 00:06:00,325 never have I said anything 72 00:06:00,392 --> 00:06:02,994 on the stage 73 00:06:03,060 --> 00:06:05,863 that has changed fucking anything. 74 00:06:07,866 --> 00:06:12,070 Thousands and thousands of people have come and watched me 75 00:06:12,137 --> 00:06:14,305 and the next day woke up and went, 76 00:06:14,372 --> 00:06:17,676 "It's still the same." 77 00:06:17,742 --> 00:06:20,778 And you should know that since I started doing it, 78 00:06:20,844 --> 00:06:22,480 things have gotten worse. 79 00:06:25,183 --> 00:06:27,885 So realize that there... 80 00:06:27,952 --> 00:06:30,789 and I know this will shock some of you, 81 00:06:30,855 --> 00:06:35,727 there are people who actually came out tonight to see me, OK? 82 00:06:35,794 --> 00:06:38,496 And they... they overpaid. 83 00:06:41,933 --> 00:06:46,838 And so I really need you to make this evening, 84 00:06:46,905 --> 00:06:50,175 don't fuck up their evening, OK? 85 00:06:50,241 --> 00:06:52,777 Don't... Just sit there, all right? 86 00:06:52,844 --> 00:06:57,716 If I say a joke and you don't think it's funny, 87 00:06:58,316 --> 00:07:01,152 you get to nail me. 88 00:07:01,219 --> 00:07:05,723 And the way you get to nail me is you don't laugh. 89 00:07:05,790 --> 00:07:09,327 That's it. All right? 90 00:07:09,394 --> 00:07:12,364 And you let your nipples turn bright red... 91 00:07:17,034 --> 00:07:18,669 and you shut the fuck up. 92 00:07:27,912 --> 00:07:30,915 'Cause if you mess up this evening, OK? 93 00:07:30,981 --> 00:07:34,252 I'm gonna tell my mother. 94 00:07:34,319 --> 00:07:38,789 And when she finds out, your life is gonna be fucking hell. 95 00:07:38,856 --> 00:07:40,892 OK? And I mean this. 96 00:07:40,958 --> 00:07:43,561 You don't fuck with my mother, all right? 97 00:07:43,627 --> 00:07:45,696 She's 103. So she-- 98 00:07:52,670 --> 00:07:54,104 My mother's 103. 99 00:07:54,171 --> 00:07:57,709 Sometimes I feel like she's a tortoise 100 00:07:57,775 --> 00:07:59,410 that's escaped her shell, 101 00:08:02,179 --> 00:08:05,082 I mean, it's kind of remarkable, 103. 102 00:08:05,149 --> 00:08:09,720 I am blessed really to have spent all of that time with her, 103 00:08:09,787 --> 00:08:14,526 but... she's 103. 104 00:08:16,361 --> 00:08:19,397 And to give you an idea, just how tough, 105 00:08:19,463 --> 00:08:22,566 I mean she practiced on me, OK? 106 00:08:22,633 --> 00:08:25,569 And this is how, this is one of the last things she said 107 00:08:25,636 --> 00:08:27,238 when I saw her recently. 108 00:08:27,304 --> 00:08:30,741 Just to give you a taste of what's coming for you. 109 00:08:32,743 --> 00:08:35,346 She said to me... 110 00:08:35,412 --> 00:08:38,249 Actually, to the caregiver there, 111 00:08:38,316 --> 00:08:40,584 "He... 112 00:08:40,651 --> 00:08:43,154 He just put me to sleep. 113 00:08:43,220 --> 00:08:46,224 I can't imagine what he does to an audience." 114 00:08:52,363 --> 00:08:53,932 She's good. 115 00:08:56,434 --> 00:09:01,306 103, so sometimes she's here... 116 00:09:01,372 --> 00:09:05,576 and sometimes... Ooh, she's there, 117 00:09:05,643 --> 00:09:07,745 but I'm lucky and so is she 118 00:09:07,812 --> 00:09:12,516 that we she does not have Alzheimer's, no dementia. 119 00:09:12,583 --> 00:09:16,154 What she has is something that 120 00:09:16,221 --> 00:09:18,957 doctors haven't given a name to yet. 121 00:09:20,425 --> 00:09:23,694 She just makes shit up. 122 00:09:29,833 --> 00:09:32,770 When the fuck were you in Thailand? 123 00:09:42,981 --> 00:09:47,218 She's claimed that she raised an entire family, 124 00:09:47,284 --> 00:09:48,787 another family. 125 00:09:50,320 --> 00:09:53,224 And the son, who is as old as I am, 126 00:09:53,291 --> 00:09:56,927 apparently is nicer to her than I've ever been. 127 00:10:02,000 --> 00:10:04,268 She's, uh... 128 00:10:04,335 --> 00:10:08,005 in competition now with the Bezos 129 00:10:08,071 --> 00:10:12,509 and Musk and Branson. 130 00:10:12,576 --> 00:10:16,013 Those are the three who were, you know, you know them. 131 00:10:16,080 --> 00:10:18,148 They're launching their penises into space. 132 00:10:19,817 --> 00:10:22,720 They are whacking off into the universe. 133 00:10:22,786 --> 00:10:27,492 They're spending billions, billions to get out there. 134 00:10:27,559 --> 00:10:29,594 My mother has been orbiting the earth 135 00:10:29,661 --> 00:10:32,329 on a regular basis for 12 years. 136 00:10:34,265 --> 00:10:37,067 And I wouldn't even call where she lived assisted living. 137 00:10:37,134 --> 00:10:41,972 I call it a launchpad. 138 00:10:42,039 --> 00:10:43,908 And she doesn't spend billions 139 00:10:43,974 --> 00:10:46,477 because her rocket fuel is oatmeal. 140 00:10:50,381 --> 00:10:51,916 It was a long time. 141 00:10:51,983 --> 00:10:54,786 It was about three, it was more than a year, 142 00:10:54,852 --> 00:10:58,155 just a chunk more than a year that it took from me. 143 00:10:58,222 --> 00:11:01,659 I didn't get to see my mother for that long. 144 00:11:01,725 --> 00:11:04,962 You know, she was in this place she's living. 145 00:11:05,028 --> 00:11:09,233 It was in a lockdown. I could not get to visit her. 146 00:11:09,299 --> 00:11:11,969 It was 500 days 147 00:11:12,036 --> 00:11:14,706 from my last performance 148 00:11:14,772 --> 00:11:18,475 till the time I performed again. Five hundred days. 149 00:11:18,542 --> 00:11:21,245 And the last time I performed, 150 00:11:21,312 --> 00:11:26,150 in front of an audience before the whole thing shut down, 151 00:11:26,217 --> 00:11:28,585 was on March 13th, 152 00:11:28,652 --> 00:11:31,389 and I was in New Buffalo, Michigan 153 00:11:31,456 --> 00:11:33,324 at a casino there. 154 00:11:33,391 --> 00:11:37,161 And I knew that things were coming to an end. 155 00:11:37,227 --> 00:11:41,165 I knew that we were moving into a shutdown, OK? 156 00:11:41,232 --> 00:11:44,935 Because myself and a friend of mine, who many of you know, 157 00:11:45,002 --> 00:11:49,273 it was another, really a great comic, Kathleen Madigan. 158 00:11:51,109 --> 00:11:52,944 She and I... 159 00:11:53,010 --> 00:11:57,481 She and I, from the moment that that virus hit, 160 00:11:57,548 --> 00:11:59,450 from the moment we heard about it, 161 00:11:59,517 --> 00:12:03,320 we tracked that son of a bitch every day, every fucking day. 162 00:12:03,387 --> 00:12:05,956 We were like the Fauci and Birx of the comedy community. 163 00:12:07,625 --> 00:12:09,059 We were on the phone. "Did you hear that? 164 00:12:09,126 --> 00:12:10,828 Did you hear what's happening? 165 00:12:10,894 --> 00:12:12,663 They fucked up, somebody left the door open to the lab. 166 00:12:12,730 --> 00:12:16,100 Somebody got on the goddamn boat, it's coming our way. 167 00:12:16,167 --> 00:12:17,835 Close the harbors. 168 00:12:17,901 --> 00:12:20,337 Those fuckers have to close the harbors." 169 00:12:22,406 --> 00:12:26,710 Nobody listened. 170 00:12:26,777 --> 00:12:28,145 But we knew it was out there. 171 00:12:28,211 --> 00:12:30,815 We knew it was coming. 172 00:12:30,881 --> 00:12:33,885 And luckily I was at least in a position, 173 00:12:33,951 --> 00:12:36,987 I kind of knew this was gonna be my last show 174 00:12:37,054 --> 00:12:38,957 because the show on March 14th 175 00:12:39,023 --> 00:12:40,891 that I was gonna have had been canceled. 176 00:12:40,958 --> 00:12:43,160 She, however, was on her way 177 00:12:43,227 --> 00:12:46,163 to the airport to get on a plane to Reno. 178 00:12:46,230 --> 00:12:47,865 I said, "Turn back! 179 00:12:47,932 --> 00:12:49,700 You don't wanna get on that fucking plane. 180 00:12:49,767 --> 00:12:51,268 You don't wanna end up in Reno. 181 00:12:51,335 --> 00:12:53,504 Son of a bitch, they're gonna hold you there 182 00:12:53,570 --> 00:12:55,706 for God knows how long, 'cause they're gonna need 183 00:12:55,773 --> 00:12:58,242 at least one person to gamble." 184 00:13:03,915 --> 00:13:07,384 They talked about closing my show on the 13th. 185 00:13:07,451 --> 00:13:09,687 They said, "We may not go through with it." 186 00:13:09,754 --> 00:13:11,955 But they were kind of stuck 187 00:13:12,022 --> 00:13:16,193 because 1500 fuckers had shown up. 188 00:13:16,260 --> 00:13:18,996 And we knew this, I knew it because they were in the casino, 189 00:13:19,063 --> 00:13:21,032 standing shoulder to shoulder. 190 00:13:21,098 --> 00:13:24,268 That did not bode well. 191 00:13:24,335 --> 00:13:25,836 There they were. 192 00:13:25,903 --> 00:13:27,438 And I was there. 193 00:13:27,505 --> 00:13:29,207 I was at a very safe distance. 194 00:13:29,273 --> 00:13:32,310 I was, well, fuck I was watching 'em through binoculars. 195 00:13:34,479 --> 00:13:37,180 That night I went on stage. 196 00:13:37,247 --> 00:13:39,617 It was a sold out house. 197 00:13:39,683 --> 00:13:41,385 I really didn't know what to say. 198 00:13:41,452 --> 00:13:44,122 I'd never been in this position before. 199 00:13:44,188 --> 00:13:46,490 Nobody knew what was coming next. 200 00:13:46,557 --> 00:13:49,593 And I stared out at them and the first thing that came 201 00:13:49,660 --> 00:13:53,898 into my mind was, "Well, woo, thanks for risking your life." 202 00:13:56,467 --> 00:13:58,769 I got a bigger laugh that night. 203 00:14:02,006 --> 00:14:03,507 And so... 204 00:14:03,574 --> 00:14:05,576 So I finished up, 205 00:14:05,643 --> 00:14:06,977 I walked off the stage, 206 00:14:07,044 --> 00:14:08,512 one of the strangest performances, 207 00:14:08,579 --> 00:14:12,015 great in many ways, odd in others, 208 00:14:12,082 --> 00:14:16,453 and I went into my dressing room and I flashed on that thing 209 00:14:16,520 --> 00:14:19,290 they say about comics that I'd never thought 210 00:14:19,356 --> 00:14:21,458 about in this way before. 211 00:14:21,525 --> 00:14:25,429 You know... "Boy, he really killed 'em tonight." 212 00:14:35,873 --> 00:14:39,009 On March 14th, it was time. I could go home. 213 00:14:39,076 --> 00:14:41,512 I was supposed to fly through O'Hare. 214 00:14:41,578 --> 00:14:43,814 I was not gonna go through O'Hare 215 00:14:43,881 --> 00:14:46,316 because I knew and Kathleen knew 216 00:14:46,383 --> 00:14:48,619 that the first time that COVID 217 00:14:48,686 --> 00:14:51,822 went from one person to another 218 00:14:51,889 --> 00:14:54,525 in this country was at O'Hare. 219 00:14:54,592 --> 00:14:56,627 That's the kind of shit I knew. 220 00:14:56,694 --> 00:14:58,395 So I'm not going to that fucking airport. 221 00:14:58,462 --> 00:15:00,864 I don't have a hazmat suit. 222 00:15:00,931 --> 00:15:03,467 And O'Hare on a good day is a shithole. 223 00:15:06,870 --> 00:15:11,375 And so I am very lucky I had a tour bus 224 00:15:11,442 --> 00:15:13,878 and I got onto that and I was gonna return 225 00:15:13,944 --> 00:15:15,980 back to New York City. 226 00:15:16,047 --> 00:15:19,683 And on the way, I was gonna stop for provisions. 227 00:15:19,750 --> 00:15:21,852 There's a word you don't hear anymore. 228 00:15:23,454 --> 00:15:25,222 That's a word you actually hear 229 00:15:25,289 --> 00:15:27,557 if you're on a wagon train going west. 230 00:15:29,727 --> 00:15:31,295 But I say provisions, 'cause I knew 231 00:15:31,362 --> 00:15:34,197 I was gonna have to pick up a lot of shit. 232 00:15:34,264 --> 00:15:36,701 And so, we stopped. 233 00:15:36,767 --> 00:15:40,204 I stopped for the first time ever 234 00:15:40,270 --> 00:15:45,176 and went into, and this'll stun you, a Walmart. 235 00:15:47,878 --> 00:15:52,717 Yeah, I know. 236 00:15:52,783 --> 00:15:55,219 I'd never been in one, but why would a single person 237 00:15:55,286 --> 00:15:57,688 who'd never been duck hunting go to a Walmart? 238 00:16:01,458 --> 00:16:03,627 I mean, unless I needed a hundred pound tub 239 00:16:03,694 --> 00:16:05,830 of butter for fun. 240 00:16:07,698 --> 00:16:09,600 Or, you know, but I was gonna need 241 00:16:09,666 --> 00:16:11,935 300 fucking rolls of toilet paper, 242 00:16:12,002 --> 00:16:13,905 so I'm going to Walmart. 243 00:16:16,507 --> 00:16:21,278 And I had never been, I walked in, it was like the Vatican. 244 00:16:21,345 --> 00:16:24,414 The Vatican of fatty fuck foods. 245 00:16:24,481 --> 00:16:26,750 They didn't even put the foods together 246 00:16:26,817 --> 00:16:30,253 in terms of the same product of food, the same fruits. 247 00:16:30,320 --> 00:16:34,558 No, it was the level of fat. Fat, fattier, most fatty, 248 00:16:34,625 --> 00:16:38,929 the most fatty fat-fat fucking fattiest fateus. 249 00:16:38,996 --> 00:16:42,466 Holy shit, there was actually one of those warning lights, 250 00:16:42,533 --> 00:16:46,403 the red light was spinning at one place, sirens going off. 251 00:16:46,470 --> 00:16:47,938 That was the aisle that said, 252 00:16:48,005 --> 00:16:50,441 "You might have a heart attack here." 253 00:16:50,507 --> 00:16:53,143 It's the first place I've ever been into 254 00:16:53,210 --> 00:16:55,746 that the soup actually had whipped cream on it. 255 00:16:57,648 --> 00:17:00,584 If you walk around a Walmart literally for three minutes, 256 00:17:00,651 --> 00:17:04,021 you will gain seven pounds. 257 00:17:09,559 --> 00:17:10,727 And so I headed home... 258 00:17:13,230 --> 00:17:17,835 and we got into New York and on, uh... 259 00:17:17,902 --> 00:17:21,038 March 15th, March 15th. 260 00:17:21,105 --> 00:17:23,608 You have to speak into the microphone, asshole. 261 00:17:31,015 --> 00:17:33,351 Yeah, that was really a private moment. 262 00:17:35,319 --> 00:17:36,954 We love you, Lewis. 263 00:17:37,021 --> 00:17:41,525 And I love you. 264 00:17:47,998 --> 00:17:49,833 On March 15th, 265 00:17:49,900 --> 00:17:52,802 I was very excited. 266 00:17:52,869 --> 00:17:56,507 It was either on March 15th or maybe a day or two after. 267 00:17:56,573 --> 00:18:00,511 I can't quite place it, but it was the day in which 268 00:18:00,577 --> 00:18:02,479 for the first time... 269 00:18:02,546 --> 00:18:07,384 our government was gonna come on and... 270 00:18:07,451 --> 00:18:11,521 on the TV and tell us the people 271 00:18:11,588 --> 00:18:16,159 how we were going to deal with the coming pandemic. 272 00:18:16,226 --> 00:18:18,895 Not only as a group, but individually. 273 00:18:18,962 --> 00:18:20,096 I was so excited. 274 00:18:20,163 --> 00:18:21,431 I called Kathleen, I said, 275 00:18:21,498 --> 00:18:24,067 "Fuck, we're not in charge anymore." 276 00:18:26,236 --> 00:18:29,073 Now we've got real experts who'll be telling us 277 00:18:29,139 --> 00:18:33,343 exactly what to do. 278 00:18:33,410 --> 00:18:36,046 And I was thrilled. 279 00:18:36,112 --> 00:18:39,650 I sat down there and, and the first people we saw 280 00:18:39,716 --> 00:18:43,087 for the first time ever were Dr. Fauci and Dr. Birx. 281 00:18:43,153 --> 00:18:46,757 There they were. There they were. 282 00:18:46,824 --> 00:18:49,426 And I know that some of you, for sure, 283 00:18:49,493 --> 00:18:52,262 have problems with Dr. Fauci and I... 284 00:18:53,830 --> 00:18:55,432 Yes, one person screaming in the night. 285 00:18:57,667 --> 00:19:00,904 Who the problem sounded like a sexual one there. 286 00:19:07,378 --> 00:19:10,648 But Dr. Fauci, look, if you had a problem with Dr. Fauci, 287 00:19:10,714 --> 00:19:13,383 I'm just gonna tell you this, all right? 288 00:19:13,450 --> 00:19:15,886 Would you want his job? 289 00:19:15,953 --> 00:19:18,122 Would you wanna do what he did? 290 00:19:18,189 --> 00:19:19,556 Would you want to be that person 291 00:19:19,623 --> 00:19:21,658 who had to come out every day? 292 00:19:21,725 --> 00:19:24,561 What, you're yelling at him because of what? 293 00:19:24,628 --> 00:19:26,864 'Cause he has the shittiest job on earth 294 00:19:26,930 --> 00:19:29,433 and you wouldn't do the job, OK? 295 00:19:29,500 --> 00:19:31,401 Nobody wanted that fucking job. 296 00:19:31,468 --> 00:19:34,237 We're lucky anybody took the job. 297 00:19:36,473 --> 00:19:39,309 To come out there and say, "It sucks." 298 00:19:39,376 --> 00:19:41,978 The next day, "It really sucks. It's gonna suck more." 299 00:19:42,045 --> 00:19:43,748 Here's the sound. 300 00:19:43,814 --> 00:19:46,483 That's how sucky it is. 301 00:19:46,550 --> 00:19:48,485 Everywhere you go, suck, suck, suck. 302 00:19:48,552 --> 00:19:50,888 It's gonna be shittier and shittier 303 00:19:50,954 --> 00:19:52,923 and fucking unbelievable. 304 00:19:52,989 --> 00:19:55,392 Worst job ever. 305 00:19:55,459 --> 00:19:59,363 Son of a bitch, the only job that I think could be worse 306 00:19:59,430 --> 00:20:02,098 is if you were douching elephants for a living. 307 00:20:06,603 --> 00:20:09,506 Unbelievable, and people were pissed with Fauci. 308 00:20:09,573 --> 00:20:11,175 "Oh, he got money from Pfizer." 309 00:20:11,241 --> 00:20:13,344 Fuck you, that was a lie. 310 00:20:13,410 --> 00:20:15,212 "Oh, but he was rich." 311 00:20:15,279 --> 00:20:17,314 Oh, you idiots. Of course he was rich. 312 00:20:17,380 --> 00:20:20,985 He's a doctor, numb nuts. 313 00:20:26,589 --> 00:20:29,426 I believe that who they should have hired to do the job, 314 00:20:29,493 --> 00:20:31,495 I think what would've made it possible 315 00:20:31,562 --> 00:20:35,332 for everybody in the country to not be upset 316 00:20:35,399 --> 00:20:39,403 was they should have just had a fucking peacock. 317 00:20:39,836 --> 00:20:41,638 I mean it. 318 00:20:41,705 --> 00:20:44,475 The peacock should have come out with the announcement every day. 319 00:20:44,541 --> 00:20:46,443 And the peacock could've strolled, you know, 320 00:20:47,777 --> 00:20:49,346 or whatever noise a peacock make. 321 00:20:49,412 --> 00:20:52,616 Then underneath, there'd be a fucking translation 322 00:20:52,682 --> 00:20:55,452 of the peacock. 323 00:20:55,519 --> 00:20:57,153 And then everybody would watch. 324 00:20:57,220 --> 00:20:58,789 They turn the TV on, 325 00:20:58,855 --> 00:21:01,858 "I can't wait to see what the peacock has to say!" 326 00:21:04,428 --> 00:21:05,862 And Fauci and Birx stood there, 327 00:21:05,929 --> 00:21:07,731 and they began to speak 328 00:21:07,798 --> 00:21:10,233 and none of us knew what the fuck they were talking about. 329 00:21:10,300 --> 00:21:12,268 We'd never heard or seen 330 00:21:12,335 --> 00:21:14,538 anything like this in our lives, ever. 331 00:21:15,439 --> 00:21:18,108 And goddammit it. 332 00:21:18,175 --> 00:21:20,010 And about a third of the way through, 333 00:21:20,077 --> 00:21:22,713 it was becoming clearer and clearer what they were saying. 334 00:21:22,780 --> 00:21:24,714 It was really quite simple. 335 00:21:24,781 --> 00:21:26,116 And what they were saying was, 336 00:21:26,183 --> 00:21:30,954 "We're fucked! We're totally fucked!" 337 00:21:32,923 --> 00:21:35,392 At this point... 338 00:21:35,459 --> 00:21:39,896 our leader... pushed them aside. 339 00:21:39,963 --> 00:21:43,400 And with nary a stethoscope in sight, 340 00:21:45,068 --> 00:21:47,737 he strode to the mic 341 00:21:47,804 --> 00:21:52,175 because he wanted to be sure we remain calm. 342 00:21:52,242 --> 00:21:56,113 And he knew that these two weren't going to help. 343 00:21:57,614 --> 00:22:00,751 So, he decided he was going to tell us 344 00:22:00,817 --> 00:22:02,252 how we were going to deal 345 00:22:02,319 --> 00:22:04,454 with what was going to be happening. 346 00:22:04,521 --> 00:22:06,323 And he could do that 347 00:22:06,389 --> 00:22:10,961 because he is the first president ever elected... 348 00:22:11,028 --> 00:22:12,496 ever... 349 00:22:12,563 --> 00:22:14,164 Thank you. 350 00:22:15,966 --> 00:22:19,936 The first President ever elected 351 00:22:20,003 --> 00:22:22,339 who just... 352 00:22:22,406 --> 00:22:23,640 knows stuff. 353 00:22:25,643 --> 00:22:28,979 Yeah, look, I've been through... 354 00:22:32,015 --> 00:22:35,252 I have lived through a lot of presidents. 355 00:22:35,318 --> 00:22:38,589 And none of them knew shit. 356 00:22:38,656 --> 00:22:42,059 But this president really was fucking on top of the game. 357 00:22:42,126 --> 00:22:44,895 This president knew fucking every fucking thing 358 00:22:44,961 --> 00:22:47,131 you could know. Not these idiots. 359 00:22:47,197 --> 00:22:49,133 Goddammit. 360 00:22:49,199 --> 00:22:51,235 All of a sudden, finally. 361 00:22:54,538 --> 00:22:56,874 He knew how much wood a woodchuck would... 362 00:22:58,208 --> 00:22:59,809 if a woodchuck could chuck wood. 363 00:22:59,876 --> 00:23:01,144 He knew how many cords. 364 00:23:01,211 --> 00:23:03,580 He knew how many cords of wood. 365 00:23:05,749 --> 00:23:07,384 He memorized 366 00:23:07,451 --> 00:23:11,688 all of the recipes 367 00:23:11,755 --> 00:23:14,458 in The Betty Crocker Cookbook. 368 00:23:14,525 --> 00:23:16,526 Yes, he did. Yes, he fucking did. 369 00:23:16,593 --> 00:23:18,929 Why? Because he can do it. 370 00:23:20,464 --> 00:23:23,300 And at this point, he explained 371 00:23:23,367 --> 00:23:26,870 just how the virus 372 00:23:26,937 --> 00:23:28,872 would come to us 373 00:23:28,938 --> 00:23:30,207 and what would happen. 374 00:23:30,274 --> 00:23:32,809 And he said it would be like the flu. 375 00:23:32,876 --> 00:23:35,678 It would just come and then... 376 00:23:35,745 --> 00:23:38,181 woo, it would go. 377 00:23:40,684 --> 00:23:44,320 It is what he said. 378 00:23:44,387 --> 00:23:46,623 And... 379 00:23:46,690 --> 00:23:48,124 he got the timeline off. 380 00:23:49,559 --> 00:23:51,694 But everybody got the timeline off. 381 00:23:51,761 --> 00:23:53,330 Everyone did. 382 00:23:53,396 --> 00:23:56,499 They're still not sure about the timeline, OK? 383 00:23:56,566 --> 00:23:58,234 He got it off. 384 00:23:58,301 --> 00:24:00,637 He was wrong, OK? 385 00:24:00,704 --> 00:24:02,906 And the reason everybody has been wrong is 386 00:24:02,972 --> 00:24:05,809 because everybody's got a fucking theory 387 00:24:05,876 --> 00:24:09,679 about how this virus came to be, all right? 388 00:24:09,746 --> 00:24:13,417 And I'm the only one who actually knows what happened. 389 00:24:13,483 --> 00:24:16,386 And, yeah, that's right. 390 00:24:16,452 --> 00:24:20,924 And lucky, lucky you are here with me this evening. 391 00:24:24,161 --> 00:24:26,130 So that I can tell you the story. 392 00:24:28,098 --> 00:24:29,799 Yes. Many people think, 393 00:24:29,866 --> 00:24:31,702 "Oh, it came out of the lab in Wuhan." 394 00:24:31,769 --> 00:24:34,471 It did not come out of that lab. 395 00:24:34,538 --> 00:24:37,774 That would require intelligence, all right? 396 00:24:37,841 --> 00:24:40,711 And when intelligence is involved, 397 00:24:40,777 --> 00:24:42,779 this kind of shit doesn't happen. 398 00:24:42,845 --> 00:24:44,781 This happens when it's... 399 00:24:44,848 --> 00:24:47,851 when something fucking stupid happens. 400 00:24:47,918 --> 00:24:50,621 And what happened was this, quite simply, 401 00:24:50,687 --> 00:24:52,856 somebody fucked a bat. 402 00:24:52,922 --> 00:24:54,791 Somebody fucked a bat. 403 00:24:54,857 --> 00:24:56,727 Somebody fucked a bat. 404 00:24:56,794 --> 00:24:58,028 I don't think you're listening. 405 00:24:58,094 --> 00:24:59,730 Somebody fucked a bat. 406 00:24:59,797 --> 00:25:02,398 Someone said, "Hey, I'm gonna fuck a bat." 407 00:25:03,866 --> 00:25:05,469 They saw a bat. 408 00:25:05,535 --> 00:25:07,237 They said, "Oh, look at how cute that bat is. 409 00:25:07,303 --> 00:25:08,805 I'm gonna fuck that bat." 410 00:25:08,872 --> 00:25:10,840 They took their little ears of that bat 411 00:25:10,907 --> 00:25:12,576 and pushed him down on the table, 412 00:25:12,642 --> 00:25:15,779 pulled their penis out, and put it inside a bat. 413 00:25:15,845 --> 00:25:18,815 I know. It disgusts me to talk about it. 414 00:25:18,882 --> 00:25:20,951 Makes me sick. 415 00:25:38,202 --> 00:25:39,502 In... 416 00:25:39,569 --> 00:25:41,739 And listen closely, 417 00:25:41,805 --> 00:25:45,542 in the first draft of the Old Testament, 418 00:25:47,544 --> 00:25:49,279 I don't, I don't think you heard me. 419 00:25:51,247 --> 00:25:54,718 In the very first draft of the Old Testament, all right? 420 00:25:56,219 --> 00:25:58,688 In that draft that was there, you know, 421 00:25:58,755 --> 00:26:02,258 many Christians believe that God just wrote that book. 422 00:26:02,325 --> 00:26:03,993 Just wrote it. 423 00:26:04,060 --> 00:26:05,995 And every Jew knows that something 424 00:26:06,062 --> 00:26:10,166 that is that well written took a number of fucking rewrites. 425 00:26:12,069 --> 00:26:14,037 And so, in the first draft, 426 00:26:14,104 --> 00:26:16,807 it should be noted that God said, 427 00:26:16,873 --> 00:26:20,744 before he tells Adam and Eve not to eat the apple, 428 00:26:20,811 --> 00:26:24,314 he says "whatever you do, don't fuck a bat. 429 00:26:28,919 --> 00:26:31,688 All hell will break loose." 430 00:26:36,159 --> 00:26:37,761 And as you read now, 431 00:26:39,662 --> 00:26:41,732 it isn't there. 432 00:26:41,798 --> 00:26:45,201 No, in the ensuing drafts, never comes back. 433 00:26:45,268 --> 00:26:49,372 Because God thought, "Hey, who's gonna fuck a bat?" 434 00:26:56,546 --> 00:27:01,151 So, after listening to all of this, I have to say 435 00:27:01,818 --> 00:27:06,423 that I felt much like I felt when I was in elementary school 436 00:27:06,489 --> 00:27:08,492 when I was like nine. 437 00:27:08,558 --> 00:27:12,362 And the teacher said, "in case of a nuclear attack, 438 00:27:12,428 --> 00:27:13,963 get under your desk." 439 00:27:15,498 --> 00:27:17,533 And I said, "Why would I do that?" 440 00:27:17,600 --> 00:27:20,870 And she said, "Because you'll burn faster." 441 00:27:24,341 --> 00:27:26,176 So... 442 00:27:29,713 --> 00:27:33,483 I learned a number of important things that day. 443 00:27:34,884 --> 00:27:38,788 And the most important was that I was a target for COVID. 444 00:27:38,855 --> 00:27:41,658 I learned that pretty, pretty quickly. 445 00:27:41,725 --> 00:27:44,995 Because I was old. 446 00:27:45,061 --> 00:27:47,864 And let me say, until that fucking virus showed up, 447 00:27:47,931 --> 00:27:49,932 I didn't know I was fucking old! 448 00:27:51,935 --> 00:27:55,271 And... 449 00:27:55,338 --> 00:27:58,875 I had an underlying condition. 450 00:27:58,942 --> 00:28:03,746 And so, I knew I was, I was screwed. 451 00:28:03,813 --> 00:28:07,483 And that I was gonna have to lock down, 452 00:28:07,550 --> 00:28:11,721 that I was gonna have to go into solitary confinement 453 00:28:11,787 --> 00:28:14,090 in my apartment alone. 454 00:28:14,157 --> 00:28:15,725 I would be alone. 455 00:28:15,792 --> 00:28:17,827 And it was for twelve weeks. 456 00:28:17,894 --> 00:28:19,930 And I learned from that experience 457 00:28:19,996 --> 00:28:24,467 that solitary confinement is a fucking punishment. 458 00:28:24,534 --> 00:28:26,936 I mean, for four days, it's fun. 459 00:28:27,003 --> 00:28:28,471 Oh, it's a treat. 460 00:28:28,538 --> 00:28:30,874 Your brain is having the time of its life. 461 00:28:30,940 --> 00:28:33,276 It goes through everything that ever happened to you. 462 00:28:33,343 --> 00:28:35,845 And it looks at it from all sides, types of sizes, 463 00:28:35,912 --> 00:28:37,880 everything, every, all the sides, 464 00:28:37,947 --> 00:28:39,682 everything you could imagine, 465 00:28:39,749 --> 00:28:41,051 "Oh, and this could have happened. 466 00:28:41,117 --> 00:28:42,318 And that could have happened." 467 00:28:42,385 --> 00:28:44,153 And your brain is all excited. 468 00:28:44,220 --> 00:28:46,790 It's like your whole life is a jungle gym for your brain, 469 00:28:46,856 --> 00:28:50,327 and it can't be more thrilled to be spending this time, 470 00:28:50,393 --> 00:28:53,663 and you get to literally be disgusted by everything 471 00:28:53,730 --> 00:28:55,198 that had disgusted you. 472 00:28:55,265 --> 00:28:57,033 And now you can even be madder and madder. 473 00:28:57,099 --> 00:28:58,768 Your brain can go right after it. 474 00:28:58,835 --> 00:29:00,504 And that lasts for four days. 475 00:29:00,570 --> 00:29:02,439 And then your brain gets fucking bored. 476 00:29:02,506 --> 00:29:05,942 And when your brain is bored, it comes after you! 477 00:29:06,009 --> 00:29:07,844 And holy fuck, 478 00:29:07,911 --> 00:29:11,815 then it was like the goddamn Nuremberg trials day after day. 479 00:29:11,882 --> 00:29:13,149 "You fucked up this relationship. 480 00:29:13,216 --> 00:29:14,885 You fucked up this relationship, 481 00:29:14,952 --> 00:29:16,520 then you fucked up this relationship. 482 00:29:16,586 --> 00:29:17,987 You want to know why you're alone? 483 00:29:18,054 --> 00:29:19,689 'Cause you fucked up that relationship. 484 00:29:19,756 --> 00:29:21,191 Then you fucked up this relationship. 485 00:29:21,257 --> 00:29:23,426 She didn't even want to spend any time with you. 486 00:29:23,493 --> 00:29:26,496 And you spent some time and not even you fucked that up. 487 00:29:26,563 --> 00:29:29,332 And goddammit, and you... children. 488 00:29:29,399 --> 00:29:31,201 Oh, she wanted to have children. 489 00:29:31,268 --> 00:29:34,504 Who the fuck would want you as a parent, you piece of shit? 490 00:29:34,571 --> 00:29:36,873 If you had children, there'd be people all around. 491 00:29:36,940 --> 00:29:38,708 But you didn't, did you? 492 00:29:38,775 --> 00:29:41,377 Because you fucked up that relationship because you said, 493 00:29:41,444 --> 00:29:43,747 "Oh, I don't want children. I want to have a career." 494 00:29:43,813 --> 00:29:45,515 Well, look around the living room. 495 00:29:45,582 --> 00:29:48,918 Where's your fucking career now?" 496 00:30:02,098 --> 00:30:06,436 Then my friends would call me 497 00:30:06,503 --> 00:30:10,907 and they would say that thing we all said. 498 00:30:10,973 --> 00:30:15,211 We all said in the first 10 weeks of the pandemic, 499 00:30:15,278 --> 00:30:16,779 we all said, it's the dumbest thing 500 00:30:16,846 --> 00:30:18,381 anybody could fucking say. 501 00:30:18,448 --> 00:30:21,151 "How are you doing?" 502 00:30:21,218 --> 00:30:24,788 "How are you doing?" Are you shitting me?! 503 00:30:24,855 --> 00:30:26,790 How the fuck do you think I'm doing, asshole? 504 00:30:26,856 --> 00:30:29,659 I'm trying not to die! 505 00:30:29,726 --> 00:30:32,162 Goddammit, I'm living like a raccoon. 506 00:30:33,529 --> 00:30:36,099 I'm washing every thing that comes 507 00:30:36,166 --> 00:30:38,334 into the apartment, goddammit. 508 00:30:38,401 --> 00:30:40,303 Only I'm wearing rubber gloves, 509 00:30:40,369 --> 00:30:41,805 and I'm scrubbing everything down. 510 00:30:41,872 --> 00:30:43,673 All of my fruits and vegetables. 511 00:30:43,740 --> 00:30:45,175 I'm scrubbing 'em down with Clorox, 512 00:30:45,241 --> 00:30:48,611 scrubbing them down, scrubbing them down. 513 00:30:48,678 --> 00:30:50,513 I thought my friends would come to the house 514 00:30:50,580 --> 00:30:52,049 and find me dead on the floor. 515 00:30:53,650 --> 00:30:55,918 Then they call my other friends. 516 00:30:55,985 --> 00:30:59,789 -"Lewis died." -"What happened?" 517 00:30:59,856 --> 00:31:03,159 "Well, he had Clorox poisoning. 518 00:31:05,495 --> 00:31:07,396 He died the way we always thought he would die. 519 00:31:07,463 --> 00:31:09,399 He died 'cause he's a fucking moron." 520 00:31:13,203 --> 00:31:17,840 Meanwhile, there were all of those folks out there, 521 00:31:17,907 --> 00:31:20,477 all of those folks who the pandemic for them 522 00:31:20,544 --> 00:31:23,446 was the greatest thing that ever happened. 523 00:31:23,513 --> 00:31:25,148 There were tons of those people. 524 00:31:25,215 --> 00:31:26,649 It was like a renaissance for them. 525 00:31:28,852 --> 00:31:31,954 Please, that actually could have broken eardrums, you fuck. 526 00:31:36,259 --> 00:31:38,728 Goddammit. 527 00:31:38,795 --> 00:31:42,732 I asked, just 'cause I didn't say do not whistle, 528 00:31:42,799 --> 00:31:47,537 I thought it was inherent. 529 00:31:47,604 --> 00:31:50,673 I almost had a dog pop outta my ass. 530 00:32:03,853 --> 00:32:05,388 There were those people. 531 00:32:05,454 --> 00:32:09,392 One is here this evening, 532 00:32:09,459 --> 00:32:13,362 one who learned how to become a professional whistler. 533 00:32:13,429 --> 00:32:16,232 But it is, people were doing all sorts of stuff. 534 00:32:16,298 --> 00:32:17,800 Fucking unbelievable. 535 00:32:17,867 --> 00:32:20,703 I'm miserable, and these fucking people... 536 00:32:20,770 --> 00:32:22,305 How did that happen? 537 00:32:22,372 --> 00:32:25,408 How did you get six new degrees in 12 weeks? 538 00:32:25,475 --> 00:32:27,911 What the fucks going on? 539 00:32:27,977 --> 00:32:30,113 Son of a bitch. 540 00:32:30,179 --> 00:32:32,715 Just extraordinary to me. 541 00:32:32,782 --> 00:32:34,584 You turn the TV on every day. 542 00:32:34,651 --> 00:32:35,918 Every one of those morning shows 543 00:32:35,985 --> 00:32:37,887 had one of those pricks on it. 544 00:32:37,954 --> 00:32:40,790 "Oh, I just came up with 13 new sourdough starters." 545 00:32:40,857 --> 00:32:42,759 Well, why don't you come over 546 00:32:42,825 --> 00:32:45,795 and suck on my sourdough starter dick, you fuck? 547 00:32:48,364 --> 00:32:49,699 Are you kidding me? 548 00:32:51,167 --> 00:32:52,768 I didn't bake. 549 00:32:52,835 --> 00:32:55,905 I didn't do pop and fresh. I didn't do toast. 550 00:32:55,972 --> 00:32:57,773 But with toast, then I would have to make eggs. 551 00:32:57,840 --> 00:32:59,909 If I made eggs, they'd have to be sunny side up. 552 00:32:59,976 --> 00:33:01,545 And you never make anything 553 00:33:01,611 --> 00:33:04,047 with the word sunny side in it during a pandemic. 554 00:33:05,448 --> 00:33:08,017 I didn't sous vide. 555 00:33:08,084 --> 00:33:10,386 Oh yeah, everywhere throughout the country 556 00:33:10,453 --> 00:33:11,954 people were sous vide-ing. 557 00:33:12,021 --> 00:33:13,589 "I found a new way to cook meat." 558 00:33:13,656 --> 00:33:16,092 Go fuck yourself. 559 00:33:16,158 --> 00:33:17,860 There were idiots in New York City 560 00:33:17,927 --> 00:33:20,530 who were smoking meats in their kitchen 561 00:33:20,597 --> 00:33:25,302 and lived to tell about it. 562 00:33:25,368 --> 00:33:29,906 People became sushi Zen masters. Not me. 563 00:33:30,540 --> 00:33:35,245 I didn't cook for myself and nobody, 564 00:33:36,012 --> 00:33:41,017 and I mean nobody, should cook for themselves ever. 565 00:33:41,717 --> 00:33:44,153 It's the road to madness. 566 00:33:44,220 --> 00:33:48,625 Why? Fractions. 567 00:33:50,727 --> 00:33:52,128 Yeah. 568 00:33:55,331 --> 00:33:57,167 Every recipe, 569 00:33:57,233 --> 00:34:00,470 every recipe in The Betty Crocker Cookbook 570 00:34:00,537 --> 00:34:03,906 is for a family, a happy family, of four. 571 00:34:03,973 --> 00:34:08,177 Not for one miserable prick. 572 00:34:08,244 --> 00:34:12,582 What's one quarter of one 16th of a teaspoon of cumin? 573 00:34:13,984 --> 00:34:15,918 That's not a recipe for a meal. 574 00:34:15,984 --> 00:34:18,754 That's a recipe for a fucking stroke. 575 00:34:24,660 --> 00:34:26,061 I did, um... 576 00:34:27,596 --> 00:34:29,999 The one thing I kind of made a commitment to, 577 00:34:30,066 --> 00:34:32,969 which I'd never really done before, 578 00:34:33,035 --> 00:34:35,504 but I really took this one. I said, yep... 579 00:34:35,571 --> 00:34:36,839 drinking. 580 00:34:38,040 --> 00:34:40,577 Yeah, I started to drink 581 00:34:40,643 --> 00:34:42,812 and I drank some more and then I drank a bit more. 582 00:34:42,879 --> 00:34:45,815 And then sometimes I drank more than that. 583 00:34:45,881 --> 00:34:49,151 Yes siree, and I wouldn't start until seven o'clock. 584 00:34:49,218 --> 00:34:51,488 I showed some fucking discipline. 585 00:34:51,553 --> 00:34:53,221 But there were some days I pulled the blinds 586 00:34:53,289 --> 00:34:54,424 and went, "Fuck it." 587 00:34:56,960 --> 00:34:58,160 I drank to forget. 588 00:34:58,227 --> 00:34:59,596 That's why I drank. 589 00:34:59,663 --> 00:35:01,531 I drank to forget that I'd hadn't become 590 00:35:01,597 --> 00:35:05,468 a sculptor or a gardener. 591 00:35:05,534 --> 00:35:08,738 I hadn't bought a loom. I wasn't making pot holders. 592 00:35:08,805 --> 00:35:11,640 I wasn't making masks that on the side said, 593 00:35:11,707 --> 00:35:14,678 "My other mask is an N95." 594 00:35:17,146 --> 00:35:19,649 I didn't exercise, OK? 595 00:35:19,715 --> 00:35:23,286 I didn't buy a Peloton because I had no kids to feed it. 596 00:35:26,256 --> 00:35:28,391 I didn't... 597 00:35:28,458 --> 00:35:30,493 I didn't, like many people, 598 00:35:30,559 --> 00:35:34,130 run in a marathon in my apartment. 599 00:35:34,197 --> 00:35:36,766 Who the fuck runs a marathon in their apartment?! 600 00:35:36,833 --> 00:35:38,768 Those people should be taken the fuck away. 601 00:35:38,835 --> 00:35:40,436 You've lost your fucking grip 602 00:35:40,503 --> 00:35:42,905 if you're running a marathon in your apartment. 603 00:35:42,972 --> 00:35:45,208 "Oh, I was doing really well. Then I ran into the couch, 604 00:35:45,275 --> 00:35:48,478 in the 24 miles and goddammit I pulled a hammy. 605 00:35:48,545 --> 00:35:50,046 I'm gonna be out for weeks." 606 00:35:50,113 --> 00:35:55,085 Shut up. 607 00:35:57,020 --> 00:35:58,521 I thought I would read. 608 00:35:59,555 --> 00:36:01,724 That's what I thought I would do. 609 00:36:01,791 --> 00:36:03,959 I really believed I would read. 610 00:36:04,026 --> 00:36:06,028 It was a perfect time for it. 611 00:36:06,095 --> 00:36:08,898 I had a lot of friends who were reading tons of books. 612 00:36:08,965 --> 00:36:12,468 Two, three, four books a week. Nothing but time. 613 00:36:12,535 --> 00:36:13,937 I thought, this is the real opportunity 614 00:36:14,003 --> 00:36:15,304 I've been waiting for. 615 00:36:15,371 --> 00:36:18,441 I'd read some really remarkable books. 616 00:36:18,507 --> 00:36:21,411 I've read some of the great books, 617 00:36:21,477 --> 00:36:24,180 and now all of a sudden I've found myself, fuck, 618 00:36:27,049 --> 00:36:28,217 this could be it. 619 00:36:28,284 --> 00:36:30,819 I could read Moby Dick finally. 620 00:36:30,886 --> 00:36:34,591 I tried a number of times, but only got to page eight. 621 00:36:34,657 --> 00:36:37,026 I said, "You know what? Fuck that white whale. 622 00:36:37,093 --> 00:36:38,627 I don't give a shit. 623 00:36:38,694 --> 00:36:40,496 I'm not getting on that wooden fucking boat 624 00:36:40,563 --> 00:36:45,100 and going to sea. I'll be vomiting by page 16." 625 00:36:45,167 --> 00:36:48,104 Goddammit, and then I picked up the book and I tried to read it. 626 00:36:48,171 --> 00:36:50,006 I got to page three, and my brain said, 627 00:36:50,073 --> 00:36:52,041 "Drop the fucking book, you're gonna die." 628 00:36:55,245 --> 00:36:56,646 I thought... 629 00:37:00,616 --> 00:37:06,789 I thought that I would write a play, another play. 630 00:37:06,855 --> 00:37:11,461 You see, until I got into this, I was a playwright. 631 00:37:11,928 --> 00:37:14,330 I wrote plays until I was 40. 632 00:37:14,396 --> 00:37:16,665 And the reason I like to talk about this 633 00:37:16,732 --> 00:37:18,468 is 'cause I like to feel the interest 634 00:37:18,535 --> 00:37:20,703 of the audience leave the room. 635 00:37:20,770 --> 00:37:24,107 Yeah. 636 00:37:25,941 --> 00:37:28,745 This reinforces my choice in a way. 637 00:37:30,012 --> 00:37:32,282 But I thought, "Goddammit, 638 00:37:32,348 --> 00:37:34,851 this would be a perfect time to write a play." 639 00:37:34,918 --> 00:37:36,985 But no, no.. 640 00:37:37,052 --> 00:37:40,322 You see, I wrote plays for a long time. 641 00:37:40,389 --> 00:37:41,991 I wrote a lot of plays. 642 00:37:42,058 --> 00:37:43,926 I mean, a fucking lot of plays, 643 00:37:43,993 --> 00:37:47,096 to the interest of nobody. 644 00:37:47,163 --> 00:37:49,031 And I didn't care. I loved doing it. 645 00:37:49,098 --> 00:37:53,369 I didn't give a shit and I'd send them out and nothing. 646 00:37:53,436 --> 00:37:56,905 And I made practically nothing on this. 647 00:37:56,972 --> 00:37:58,274 I wasn't making any money. 648 00:37:58,341 --> 00:38:00,243 You don't make money as a playwright. 649 00:38:00,310 --> 00:38:03,278 And goddammit I thought, son of a bitch, 650 00:38:03,345 --> 00:38:04,880 the next one will do it, and it didn't. 651 00:38:04,947 --> 00:38:06,916 So what I would've done really 652 00:38:06,983 --> 00:38:08,885 was kind of take a... a vow of poverty. 653 00:38:08,951 --> 00:38:11,887 I guess I wanted to be a priest, but keep fucking. 654 00:38:14,957 --> 00:38:17,160 And I was getting just enough reinforcement. 655 00:38:17,227 --> 00:38:18,561 We've all had this in our lives, 656 00:38:18,628 --> 00:38:20,229 when we're trying to follow a dream, 657 00:38:20,295 --> 00:38:22,365 and we kind of get reinforced to do something. 658 00:38:22,432 --> 00:38:24,066 Go, yeah, I'm almost there. 659 00:38:24,133 --> 00:38:26,102 And I kept thinking I'm getting closer and closer. 660 00:38:26,168 --> 00:38:29,705 And then finally a series of fucking musicals came 661 00:38:29,772 --> 00:38:32,909 to New York and I said, "I can't write that shit." 662 00:38:32,975 --> 00:38:36,512 Broadway was fucking awash in fucking nonsense. 663 00:38:36,578 --> 00:38:39,048 And the one that really drove me out of the theater 664 00:38:39,115 --> 00:38:41,751 is one that I know many of you love. 665 00:38:41,818 --> 00:38:45,087 It's one of America's most loved musicals. 666 00:38:45,154 --> 00:38:47,156 And it made me nuts. 667 00:38:47,223 --> 00:38:48,891 Cats. 668 00:38:48,958 --> 00:38:51,093 That's right, yeah, don't fucking, 669 00:38:51,160 --> 00:38:54,096 some of you fucking like that, I know it. 670 00:38:54,163 --> 00:38:57,599 Son of a bitch. Cats... I was... 671 00:38:57,666 --> 00:39:00,235 I had friends in the first production of Cats. 672 00:39:00,302 --> 00:39:02,405 They actually went on to become stars. 673 00:39:02,471 --> 00:39:03,772 "Are you coming to see the show?" 674 00:39:03,839 --> 00:39:05,674 Fuck you, you're dressed up like a cat. 675 00:39:07,409 --> 00:39:09,645 Unless you're all doing some sort of a conga line 676 00:39:09,712 --> 00:39:11,714 in a litter box, I'm not coming. 677 00:39:15,551 --> 00:39:17,320 I never saw Cats. 678 00:39:17,386 --> 00:39:20,122 I heard some of the music, but I never saw it. 679 00:39:20,189 --> 00:39:21,791 I couldn't bring myself to go, 680 00:39:21,858 --> 00:39:24,326 but there was a production a number of years ago, 681 00:39:24,393 --> 00:39:27,497 just before the shit hit the fan that was really well worth-- 682 00:39:27,563 --> 00:39:30,466 I wish I'd known, I would've gone. 683 00:39:30,533 --> 00:39:33,603 It was a performance of Cats, which was disrupted, 684 00:39:33,669 --> 00:39:37,006 when an audience member's service dog got away... 685 00:39:38,974 --> 00:39:42,011 and began chasing one of the cat-costumed actors. 686 00:39:45,915 --> 00:39:47,950 This is the first time one of the actual cats 687 00:39:48,017 --> 00:39:50,787 was involved in an incident with a dog. 688 00:39:52,555 --> 00:39:54,624 How good is that? 689 00:39:54,691 --> 00:39:56,359 It doesn't get any better than that. 690 00:39:56,426 --> 00:39:58,327 Theater is-- 691 00:39:58,394 --> 00:40:01,630 The best a theater can be, is when that fourth wall drops; 692 00:40:01,697 --> 00:40:03,132 When it disappears. 693 00:40:03,199 --> 00:40:04,733 It's why at times, 694 00:40:04,800 --> 00:40:06,902 if something happens like the person whistling, 695 00:40:06,969 --> 00:40:08,704 or that the woman hooting in the back, 696 00:40:08,771 --> 00:40:11,507 I respond to it because there's no fucking wall here. 697 00:40:11,573 --> 00:40:13,008 But theater pretends, 698 00:40:13,075 --> 00:40:14,810 and when it disappears... son of a bitch, 699 00:40:14,877 --> 00:40:16,713 the audience becomes a part of it. 700 00:40:16,779 --> 00:40:19,649 And when you've got a dog running around on stage, 701 00:40:19,716 --> 00:40:21,684 there's nothing more exciting than to hear 702 00:40:21,750 --> 00:40:23,051 ♪ Memories... ♪ 703 00:40:33,262 --> 00:40:34,864 Oh yeah, I'd have paid... 704 00:40:34,931 --> 00:40:36,732 God, I'd have paid a couple of thousand dollars 705 00:40:36,798 --> 00:40:38,267 to see that fucking show. 706 00:40:44,740 --> 00:40:46,609 As time went on, 707 00:40:46,676 --> 00:40:48,877 I finally realized as I began to talk 708 00:40:48,944 --> 00:40:51,580 to my friends around the country, 709 00:40:51,647 --> 00:40:53,549 that there were places I could go where 710 00:40:53,616 --> 00:40:56,752 my friends had been doing the same thing I had. 711 00:40:56,819 --> 00:41:01,023 They were hunkered down, so that we could get together. 712 00:41:01,089 --> 00:41:02,725 I could visit people. 713 00:41:02,792 --> 00:41:05,561 And one of the things that made that possible, 714 00:41:05,627 --> 00:41:08,030 was if I wore a mask. 715 00:41:08,097 --> 00:41:10,599 This excited me to no end. 716 00:41:10,666 --> 00:41:13,536 But then there were many people-- it turns out, 717 00:41:13,603 --> 00:41:16,772 who were really, really upset about masks. 718 00:41:16,839 --> 00:41:18,574 "Son of a bitch..." they would scream 719 00:41:18,641 --> 00:41:21,544 "...you're taking away my freedom!" 720 00:41:22,111 --> 00:41:26,015 "No, I'm asking you to wear a mask." 721 00:41:27,316 --> 00:41:29,418 Yeah, that's it. 722 00:41:29,485 --> 00:41:31,520 It's that simple, a mask. 723 00:41:31,587 --> 00:41:33,589 Why did I ask? 724 00:41:33,655 --> 00:41:38,094 Because you see, I have a... I'm a target for Covid. 725 00:41:38,160 --> 00:41:40,429 So if you're not wearing a mask and you go... 726 00:41:42,498 --> 00:41:43,566 There's a good chance... 727 00:41:43,632 --> 00:41:45,068 I'm gonna fucking die! 728 00:41:46,668 --> 00:41:47,937 OK? 729 00:41:48,670 --> 00:41:50,239 So don't tell me that, 730 00:41:50,305 --> 00:41:51,673 if I'm asking you to wear a mask, 731 00:41:51,740 --> 00:41:53,342 I'm taking away your freedom. 732 00:41:53,409 --> 00:41:55,278 If I ask you to put a ball gag in your mouth 733 00:41:55,344 --> 00:41:57,580 and then wear the mask... 734 00:41:57,646 --> 00:42:00,149 Then, I'm taking away your freedom. 735 00:42:01,350 --> 00:42:02,651 OK? 736 00:42:04,687 --> 00:42:05,888 And I got... 737 00:42:07,723 --> 00:42:09,158 And if I was wearing a mask-- 738 00:42:09,224 --> 00:42:11,627 I was in Florida a couple of months ago. 739 00:42:11,694 --> 00:42:15,664 If I'm wearing a mask, that doesn't challenge anybody. 740 00:42:15,731 --> 00:42:18,134 But in Florida, where there was no pandemic, 741 00:42:18,201 --> 00:42:19,702 it really... 742 00:42:20,836 --> 00:42:23,339 it really was a challenge. 743 00:42:23,405 --> 00:42:25,441 People would look at me, if I was wearing a mask-- 744 00:42:25,508 --> 00:42:27,109 and I'm serious... 745 00:42:27,176 --> 00:42:30,112 as if I had my penis wrapped around my neck. 746 00:42:30,178 --> 00:42:32,615 And, if I had my penis wrapped around my neck, 747 00:42:32,682 --> 00:42:35,450 I'll tell you I wouldn't be doing this shit for a living. 748 00:42:43,025 --> 00:42:44,693 I did... 749 00:42:44,760 --> 00:42:47,429 The thing that, you know, that was fascinating 750 00:42:47,496 --> 00:42:49,698 was to learn that some people thought that 751 00:42:49,765 --> 00:42:52,668 health and freedom had something to do with each other. 752 00:42:52,735 --> 00:42:54,369 They don't. 753 00:42:54,436 --> 00:42:56,338 Health and freedom are completely separate. 754 00:42:56,405 --> 00:42:58,040 And how do I know that? 755 00:42:58,107 --> 00:42:59,675 How do I know that they're two different things? 756 00:42:59,742 --> 00:43:01,577 Because they're spelt differently. 757 00:43:03,913 --> 00:43:07,516 I'll tell you this, OK? 758 00:43:07,583 --> 00:43:09,151 There's a, like, 759 00:43:09,217 --> 00:43:11,353 If I had not thought of this three weeks ago, 760 00:43:11,420 --> 00:43:13,189 and thought of this at the very beginning 761 00:43:13,255 --> 00:43:15,658 when people they were asking people to wear masks... 762 00:43:15,724 --> 00:43:18,860 I will tell you that what I should have done... 763 00:43:18,927 --> 00:43:22,632 I should have come up with a mask with a nipple in it. 764 00:43:26,302 --> 00:43:28,871 There isn't... and I know there are folks out there because 765 00:43:28,937 --> 00:43:30,539 of your response to certain things, 766 00:43:30,606 --> 00:43:33,876 that the mask thing I said really bothered you. 767 00:43:33,943 --> 00:43:35,344 But I'm gonna tell you fuckers, 768 00:43:35,411 --> 00:43:37,213 if I put a nipple in that mask, 769 00:43:37,280 --> 00:43:39,182 you'd be sucking away right now. 770 00:43:40,883 --> 00:43:42,251 No kidding. 771 00:43:42,318 --> 00:43:45,020 If a nip-- if you don't find a nipple 772 00:43:45,087 --> 00:43:47,222 to be reason enough to put on a mask, 773 00:43:47,289 --> 00:43:51,026 you see a fucking psychiatrist, OK? 774 00:43:51,093 --> 00:43:54,630 On the list of shit that is wonderful in this world, 775 00:43:54,696 --> 00:43:58,033 nipples at least is number three. 776 00:43:58,100 --> 00:44:01,703 Goddammit! Everybody would be walking around. 777 00:44:01,770 --> 00:44:03,139 Nobody'd be listening to anybody. 778 00:44:04,273 --> 00:44:06,475 I can't hear you. 779 00:44:06,541 --> 00:44:08,544 And if I got liquid to go through that nipple, 780 00:44:08,611 --> 00:44:11,247 holy fuck, I'd be the President. 781 00:44:24,760 --> 00:44:28,597 They... there's a... they think we're "going back to normal." 782 00:44:28,663 --> 00:44:30,766 They keep saying that. 783 00:44:30,833 --> 00:44:32,601 I mean, is "going back to normal" 784 00:44:32,668 --> 00:44:35,738 having Steve Bannon in the White House, is that normal? 785 00:44:35,805 --> 00:44:38,073 Steve Bannon? Does that make sense? 786 00:44:38,140 --> 00:44:41,110 Steve Bannon, why would you have him at the White House? 787 00:44:41,176 --> 00:44:44,547 Why would you have him at the White House? OK? 788 00:44:44,614 --> 00:44:46,482 That I don't understand because, 789 00:44:46,549 --> 00:44:48,651 I wouldn't wanna look at Steve Bannon 790 00:44:48,717 --> 00:44:50,786 and not, but not on any kind of a-- 791 00:44:50,853 --> 00:44:54,623 Steve Bannon looks exactly like how I feel 792 00:44:54,690 --> 00:44:56,024 when I'm hungover. 793 00:44:59,361 --> 00:45:01,297 Would you put Kellyanne Conway back in the White House? 794 00:45:01,363 --> 00:45:02,798 Is that normal? 795 00:45:02,864 --> 00:45:05,600 Kellyanne Conway is somebody you choose 796 00:45:05,667 --> 00:45:08,270 to kill your daughter's cheerleading rival. 797 00:45:14,109 --> 00:45:18,046 We've gone back to, we've gone back to, really... 798 00:45:18,113 --> 00:45:20,316 We're in abnormal... 799 00:45:20,383 --> 00:45:22,485 we tripled down on abnormal. 800 00:45:22,551 --> 00:45:24,686 We are so abnormal in certain ways, 801 00:45:24,753 --> 00:45:26,988 that we've made countries that used to look abnormal, 802 00:45:27,055 --> 00:45:29,658 look fucking normal. 803 00:45:29,725 --> 00:45:32,695 We're going through really unusual times, 804 00:45:32,761 --> 00:45:35,030 really strange times. 805 00:45:35,097 --> 00:45:36,332 OK? 806 00:45:36,398 --> 00:45:40,469 The vaccine I... See... I that-- 807 00:45:40,536 --> 00:45:43,205 The president, the... the leader, 808 00:45:43,272 --> 00:45:45,207 made... made-- 809 00:45:45,274 --> 00:45:48,143 said that we were gonna have a vaccine 810 00:45:48,210 --> 00:45:49,511 at warp speed. 811 00:45:49,578 --> 00:45:51,146 And he did it. 812 00:45:51,213 --> 00:45:52,682 It was done. 813 00:45:52,748 --> 00:45:55,351 To his credit, that vaccine was created 814 00:45:55,418 --> 00:45:58,187 like fucking nobody's business. 815 00:45:58,254 --> 00:46:02,591 I thought, that since he was a Republican, 816 00:46:02,658 --> 00:46:05,194 and there were... 817 00:46:05,261 --> 00:46:07,663 there was a lot of Republicans, 818 00:46:07,730 --> 00:46:11,233 that they would take the vaccine 819 00:46:11,300 --> 00:46:14,036 - and a lot of them... - didn't. 820 00:46:15,637 --> 00:46:18,774 And I went, "Fuck, did I miss a day?" 821 00:46:22,477 --> 00:46:23,913 I was big on the vaccine. 822 00:46:23,980 --> 00:46:25,681 And the one of the reasons is 'cause: 823 00:46:25,748 --> 00:46:27,583 I didn't wanna fucking die! 824 00:46:31,219 --> 00:46:34,690 And I was big on the vaccine because... 825 00:46:34,756 --> 00:46:38,493 My mother was my role model when it came to health. 826 00:46:38,560 --> 00:46:40,195 And my mother 827 00:46:40,262 --> 00:46:43,733 took every vaccine that came down the pike. 828 00:46:43,799 --> 00:46:48,270 Every single vaccination you could fucking have. 829 00:46:49,605 --> 00:46:51,373 My mother took it. 830 00:46:51,440 --> 00:46:55,077 One, after the other, after the other and... 831 00:46:55,143 --> 00:46:57,680 she's now a hundred and three! 832 00:46:57,746 --> 00:47:01,584 So... 833 00:47:01,650 --> 00:47:04,586 it wasn't a tough decision for me. 834 00:47:04,653 --> 00:47:06,789 It's what I thought, "Fuck, this is perfect. 835 00:47:06,856 --> 00:47:08,957 I'm gonna take the vaccine." 836 00:47:09,024 --> 00:47:10,592 As a matter of fact, I would take-- 837 00:47:10,659 --> 00:47:14,129 if my bathtub, instead of giving water 838 00:47:14,196 --> 00:47:17,666 had a vaccine in it, I'd be bathing every day. 839 00:47:19,568 --> 00:47:20,836 Uh-uh. 840 00:47:20,903 --> 00:47:22,971 But what I didn't understand, 841 00:47:23,038 --> 00:47:25,507 was my...my generation. 842 00:47:25,574 --> 00:47:28,243 I didn't understand how people my age 843 00:47:28,310 --> 00:47:29,611 didn't take the vaccine. 844 00:47:29,678 --> 00:47:31,446 I didn't get it. 845 00:47:31,513 --> 00:47:34,049 I could understand how other people might be skeptical. 846 00:47:34,116 --> 00:47:35,818 Not my generation. 847 00:47:35,885 --> 00:47:38,887 My generation, I thought, pretty much gets it. 848 00:47:38,954 --> 00:47:40,723 Because, my generation went through 849 00:47:40,790 --> 00:47:42,324 the greatest science experiment 850 00:47:42,391 --> 00:47:43,959 in the history of the country. 851 00:47:44,026 --> 00:47:47,229 My generation took the polio vaccine. 852 00:47:47,296 --> 00:47:49,498 My generation... 853 00:47:49,565 --> 00:47:52,601 and nobody knew what the fuck was gonna happen. 854 00:47:52,668 --> 00:47:53,936 Nobody. 855 00:47:54,003 --> 00:47:55,637 They took us out into the schoolyard, 856 00:47:55,704 --> 00:47:58,507 and had a giant hypodermic needle, 857 00:47:58,574 --> 00:48:00,175 and "Take this in the arm and if you don't, 858 00:48:00,242 --> 00:48:01,543 you're gonna lay on the ground 859 00:48:01,610 --> 00:48:03,278 and we're gonna shove it up your ass." 860 00:48:07,183 --> 00:48:08,717 And that's because our parents said, 861 00:48:08,783 --> 00:48:11,186 "Listen you little shit, you're taking that shot 862 00:48:11,253 --> 00:48:13,321 whether you fucking like it or not." 863 00:48:13,388 --> 00:48:15,758 And that's it. 864 00:48:18,427 --> 00:48:21,196 Because we don't wanna be watching television 865 00:48:21,263 --> 00:48:23,399 and listen to your fucking iron lung 866 00:48:23,465 --> 00:48:27,736 rattle in the background. 867 00:48:35,510 --> 00:48:37,646 I didn't understand what made 868 00:48:37,712 --> 00:48:40,782 Americans fear the vaccine so much. 869 00:48:40,849 --> 00:48:43,318 I never quite understood that. 870 00:48:43,385 --> 00:48:48,290 Where we advertise on television, pharmaceuticals. 871 00:48:48,357 --> 00:48:51,327 We advertise pharmaceuticals, and those ads must work, 872 00:48:51,393 --> 00:48:54,163 'cause people are fucking buying those pharmaceuticals, 873 00:48:54,229 --> 00:48:56,732 and some of the fucking things that you can get, 874 00:48:56,798 --> 00:48:59,902 they're telling you that you could get fucked 875 00:48:59,969 --> 00:49:02,070 by any one of these things. 876 00:49:02,137 --> 00:49:04,673 You don't wanna be allergic to it, you could die. 877 00:49:04,740 --> 00:49:07,009 Boy, you might shit yourself out, 878 00:49:07,076 --> 00:49:08,443 and you'll be living inside out. 879 00:49:08,510 --> 00:49:10,112 Your outsides will be out, 880 00:49:10,179 --> 00:49:11,947 your inside... 881 00:49:12,014 --> 00:49:14,449 What? Are you fucking, people are buying it. 882 00:49:14,516 --> 00:49:16,518 And maybe the problem we have with vaccines 883 00:49:16,585 --> 00:49:19,754 is we didn't advertise how shitty the reaction would be. 884 00:49:19,821 --> 00:49:20,856 You're fucked. 885 00:49:20,923 --> 00:49:22,591 We should have told people, 886 00:49:22,657 --> 00:49:23,959 "Yeah, take that vaccine, it's really gonna fuck you up, 887 00:49:24,025 --> 00:49:25,260 your eyes will cross." 888 00:49:25,327 --> 00:49:26,561 Look, I can't wait to get it! 889 00:49:29,331 --> 00:49:32,434 In a goddamn country denying the fucking, 890 00:49:32,501 --> 00:49:33,902 "I'm not taking the vaccine." 891 00:49:33,969 --> 00:49:36,538 But we buy $12 billion in supplements. 892 00:49:36,605 --> 00:49:38,373 What the fuck are we thinking? 893 00:49:38,440 --> 00:49:40,175 You gotta be kidding me. 894 00:49:40,242 --> 00:49:42,611 They're supplements, you idiot. They're not regulated. 895 00:49:42,678 --> 00:49:46,115 People put whatever the shit they want to in those capsules. 896 00:49:46,181 --> 00:49:48,116 Figure it the fuck out. 897 00:49:48,183 --> 00:49:49,718 Goddammit. 898 00:49:49,785 --> 00:49:52,454 It's in a CVS. It's in a Walmart, 899 00:49:52,521 --> 00:49:55,190 it's in a goddamn Duane Reade. 900 00:49:55,257 --> 00:49:58,060 It's sitting there. You... goddammit. 901 00:49:58,127 --> 00:50:00,195 "Oh boy. I'm taking these pills 902 00:50:00,262 --> 00:50:02,597 because Frank Amundsen and Doug Flutie, 903 00:50:02,664 --> 00:50:04,966 they took their pills, and they got bigger dicks now." 904 00:50:05,033 --> 00:50:07,168 Are you kidding me? 905 00:50:07,235 --> 00:50:09,738 The fuck planet are you living on? 906 00:50:11,473 --> 00:50:13,676 They're sitting, the goddamn things, they're sitting, 907 00:50:13,742 --> 00:50:16,278 these supplements are right next to Tampax's. 908 00:50:16,345 --> 00:50:18,681 And if I covered a Tampax in chocolate, 909 00:50:18,747 --> 00:50:21,183 and tried to sell it as something that'd give you 910 00:50:21,249 --> 00:50:23,485 your hair back, people would be fucking biting down. 911 00:50:25,253 --> 00:50:28,190 We're taking CBD oil like there's no fucking tomorrow. 912 00:50:28,257 --> 00:50:30,125 No, and it's not regulated. 913 00:50:30,192 --> 00:50:31,460 Some people have great CBD, 914 00:50:31,527 --> 00:50:33,295 and they really give a shit about it. 915 00:50:33,362 --> 00:50:34,996 But a lot of them don't give a fuck. 916 00:50:35,063 --> 00:50:36,598 There are truck stops I've been to 917 00:50:36,665 --> 00:50:39,267 where they don't even know how to spell CBD. 918 00:50:39,334 --> 00:50:41,403 Goddammit. 919 00:50:41,469 --> 00:50:43,172 I'm surprised there are people who took, 920 00:50:43,238 --> 00:50:44,439 fucking comes from a weed 921 00:50:44,506 --> 00:50:46,108 that grows by the side of the road. 922 00:50:46,175 --> 00:50:48,143 I'm surprised we don't see thousands of Americans 923 00:50:48,210 --> 00:50:51,513 on their hands and knees chewing that shit up. 924 00:50:51,580 --> 00:50:54,350 Goddammit. I'm taking a fucking supplement. 925 00:50:54,416 --> 00:50:57,118 It's called Ashwagandha. That's how hip I am. 926 00:50:57,185 --> 00:51:00,155 It's an Indian herb, and it's supposed to make you calm. 927 00:51:00,222 --> 00:51:02,925 That's really fucking working out. 928 00:51:19,475 --> 00:51:23,345 One thing that we... One thing that we really... 929 00:51:23,411 --> 00:51:25,647 got to deal with in this country, 930 00:51:25,714 --> 00:51:27,582 is we have to deal with 931 00:51:27,649 --> 00:51:32,387 the truly crazy people that walk amongst us. 932 00:51:33,655 --> 00:51:35,657 We used to do that. 933 00:51:35,724 --> 00:51:37,726 If somebody did something crazy, we didn't go, 934 00:51:37,793 --> 00:51:41,162 "Well, let's try to understand that." No! 935 00:51:42,764 --> 00:51:45,634 No! We went, "Holy fuck. 936 00:51:45,701 --> 00:51:48,203 You're gonna go have to sit there for a while in the tent 937 00:51:48,270 --> 00:51:50,672 with the white lab coat guy." 938 00:51:50,739 --> 00:51:53,374 Yes, we did. 939 00:51:53,441 --> 00:51:56,978 And the reason we had to clear out the truly cray-crays 940 00:51:57,045 --> 00:52:01,383 is because the rest of us have real mental health issues. 941 00:52:01,449 --> 00:52:03,718 And if you don't think you have a mental health issue 942 00:52:03,785 --> 00:52:07,022 after being alone 943 00:52:07,089 --> 00:52:08,923 on one level or another 944 00:52:08,990 --> 00:52:13,394 for the last fucking few years, something is wrong with you. 945 00:52:15,196 --> 00:52:16,731 We all have the problem. 946 00:52:16,798 --> 00:52:19,301 It's nothing to be ashamed of, OK? 947 00:52:19,368 --> 00:52:21,570 I had never experienced depression. 948 00:52:21,637 --> 00:52:24,706 I had never experienced anxiety. 949 00:52:24,773 --> 00:52:27,309 And then, goddammit, 950 00:52:27,375 --> 00:52:30,612 we have got to find a way 951 00:52:30,679 --> 00:52:33,248 so that we can deal with our problems 952 00:52:33,315 --> 00:52:34,650 and our children's problems. 953 00:52:34,716 --> 00:52:36,118 All right? 954 00:52:36,185 --> 00:52:37,753 Because if you allow, look, 955 00:52:37,820 --> 00:52:40,255 to allow Q-Anon to run amok, 956 00:52:40,322 --> 00:52:42,056 they're nuts, OK? 957 00:52:42,123 --> 00:52:44,125 And I don't give a fuck if your cousin's in Q-Anon 958 00:52:44,192 --> 00:52:45,760 and you don't think he's nuts. 959 00:52:45,827 --> 00:52:47,763 I'm not a psychiatrist, 960 00:52:47,830 --> 00:52:50,565 but I know cray-cray when I fucking see it. 961 00:52:51,666 --> 00:52:53,369 I'm old enough. 962 00:52:55,137 --> 00:52:56,905 I get it. 963 00:52:56,971 --> 00:52:58,607 Goddammit. 964 00:52:58,673 --> 00:53:00,142 Pedophiles everywhere. 965 00:53:00,209 --> 00:53:01,977 There are pedophiles everywhere, they yell. 966 00:53:02,043 --> 00:53:03,545 That's what these Q-Anon, 967 00:53:03,612 --> 00:53:05,313 son of a bitch, they're out in Hollywood. 968 00:53:05,380 --> 00:53:07,782 They're politicians. Fuck you! 969 00:53:07,849 --> 00:53:11,386 Goddammit, put that energy into finding real pedophiles. 970 00:53:11,453 --> 00:53:14,256 What are you wasting fucking time for? 971 00:53:14,322 --> 00:53:17,426 You gonna tell me Hillary Clinton is a pedophile? 972 00:53:17,492 --> 00:53:19,194 Are you fucking nuts? 973 00:53:19,261 --> 00:53:21,930 Hillary Clinton doesn't want to have sex with children, 974 00:53:21,997 --> 00:53:25,366 Hillary Clinton doesn't even want to have sex anymore. 975 00:53:32,707 --> 00:53:37,212 And then, and this is when we could have got 'em, 976 00:53:37,279 --> 00:53:41,183 a bunch of them gathered down in Dealey Plaza. 977 00:53:41,250 --> 00:53:44,452 That was where they killed President Kennedy. 978 00:53:44,519 --> 00:53:46,221 And they said that, 979 00:53:47,856 --> 00:53:52,527 that they believed that John F. Kennedy Jr. 980 00:53:52,594 --> 00:53:55,029 was gonna come back. 981 00:53:55,096 --> 00:53:57,966 Now... 982 00:53:58,033 --> 00:54:02,604 I don't think when somebody comes back from the dead, 983 00:54:02,671 --> 00:54:05,173 they go to the place where their father's killed. 984 00:54:06,908 --> 00:54:08,911 So, I called him up to see, 985 00:54:09,878 --> 00:54:12,814 and he said, "No, I'm not coming back. 986 00:54:12,881 --> 00:54:14,716 I've got, I'm coming in three weeks. 987 00:54:14,783 --> 00:54:17,485 That's when my flying lesson is." 988 00:54:24,126 --> 00:54:25,994 That's worth the whole evening. 989 00:54:29,664 --> 00:54:33,034 That... that's what upsets you. And it's good you have empathy. 990 00:54:33,101 --> 00:54:34,836 We don't have empathy for live people, 991 00:54:34,903 --> 00:54:37,705 but fucking dead people, we're right on it. 992 00:54:40,943 --> 00:54:42,510 And he was coming back 'cause he was gonna 993 00:54:42,577 --> 00:54:44,546 meet up with Donald Trump. 994 00:54:44,613 --> 00:54:46,748 This is what they said. 995 00:54:46,815 --> 00:54:49,718 And then the two of them would go to the White House 996 00:54:49,784 --> 00:54:52,487 and kick out the Ghost of Christmas Past. 997 00:54:55,757 --> 00:54:57,759 They were all there, 998 00:54:57,826 --> 00:55:01,863 there was a whole bunch of them there in Dealey Plaza. 999 00:55:01,930 --> 00:55:04,766 Just... there. 1000 00:55:04,833 --> 00:55:06,901 And all we needed to do was 1001 00:55:06,968 --> 00:55:10,104 fly over them and drop a net. 1002 00:55:18,113 --> 00:55:19,881 In the end... 1003 00:55:19,947 --> 00:55:22,050 I think what... 1004 00:55:22,117 --> 00:55:25,219 I think what really got to me, 1005 00:55:25,286 --> 00:55:27,722 and I think got to all of us in a way, 1006 00:55:27,789 --> 00:55:33,561 was the lack of companionship. 1007 00:55:33,628 --> 00:55:36,831 And companionship, you may have been with your family, 1008 00:55:36,898 --> 00:55:38,599 but you weren't out in the public square, 1009 00:55:38,666 --> 00:55:40,769 you weren't with people. 1010 00:55:40,836 --> 00:55:43,104 And that makes a difference. 1011 00:55:43,171 --> 00:55:45,607 Because otherwise you're just staring at your phone, 1012 00:55:45,674 --> 00:55:49,043 yelling at that prick who you don't know. 1013 00:55:49,110 --> 00:55:51,146 Sending out little things to tell them 1014 00:55:51,212 --> 00:55:53,548 what an asshole they are. 1015 00:55:53,615 --> 00:55:55,918 And that was a big problem. 1016 00:55:55,984 --> 00:55:58,620 Because if you're not with those people, 1017 00:55:58,687 --> 00:56:02,657 you start to realize, you know, you get separated from them. 1018 00:56:02,724 --> 00:56:06,728 I know that something was wrong with that separation. 1019 00:56:06,795 --> 00:56:10,665 I know because I began to miss assholes. 1020 00:56:11,966 --> 00:56:13,468 Their presence. 1021 00:56:13,535 --> 00:56:15,470 Not on the phone, I don't need 'em on the phone, 1022 00:56:15,536 --> 00:56:16,904 I need them right in front of me, 1023 00:56:16,971 --> 00:56:18,673 saying something really fucking stupid. 1024 00:56:19,841 --> 00:56:21,376 And then we can talk about 1025 00:56:21,443 --> 00:56:22,844 baseball teams we like. 1026 00:56:22,910 --> 00:56:24,512 But you need assholes. 1027 00:56:24,579 --> 00:56:26,548 Assholes make us better. 1028 00:56:26,614 --> 00:56:29,484 Not on a screen, but when they're there in the room. 1029 00:56:29,550 --> 00:56:31,019 Fucking A. 1030 00:56:31,086 --> 00:56:33,521 "Oh, boy," you say, "I may be an asshole, 1031 00:56:33,588 --> 00:56:37,558 but that's a bigger asshole." 1032 00:56:37,625 --> 00:56:41,529 And I was really, I was fucking, what fucked me up 1033 00:56:41,596 --> 00:56:44,866 was a lack of companionship at that time. 1034 00:56:44,933 --> 00:56:47,669 That sense of being amongst people. 1035 00:56:47,736 --> 00:56:50,038 My friends, early on in the pandemic 1036 00:56:50,104 --> 00:56:52,841 when I was losing my goddamn grip, 1037 00:56:52,908 --> 00:56:56,644 said, "You know what you need? You need a cat." 1038 00:56:59,447 --> 00:57:01,682 Those people are no longer my friends. 1039 00:57:04,385 --> 00:57:05,954 There's something wrong with cats. 1040 00:57:06,021 --> 00:57:07,522 There's something wrong with cats. 1041 00:57:07,589 --> 00:57:09,357 There's something wrong with fucking cats. 1042 00:57:09,423 --> 00:57:10,958 There's something wrong with cats. 1043 00:57:11,025 --> 00:57:12,326 And the only people who don't know 1044 00:57:12,393 --> 00:57:14,062 that there's something wrong with cats, 1045 00:57:14,129 --> 00:57:16,198 are people who own cats. 1046 00:57:16,264 --> 00:57:18,333 And they own cats because they don't trust people. 1047 00:57:18,400 --> 00:57:20,201 No, what they trust is a cat. 1048 00:57:20,268 --> 00:57:22,037 And nobody should trust a cat, 1049 00:57:22,103 --> 00:57:24,039 because these people have never looked in a cat's eyes, 1050 00:57:24,105 --> 00:57:26,241 and don't you ever look in a cat's eyes! 1051 00:57:26,308 --> 00:57:29,744 I have. And a cat will try to suck your soul out. 1052 00:57:29,811 --> 00:57:31,345 My soul is this big, 1053 00:57:31,412 --> 00:57:33,447 and I got involved in a fight with a tomcat, 1054 00:57:33,514 --> 00:57:34,616 that son of a bitch. 1055 00:57:34,683 --> 00:57:36,017 What if he got my soul? 1056 00:57:36,084 --> 00:57:37,419 What would that fucker do with it? 1057 00:57:37,486 --> 00:57:38,920 I had to kick it in the mouth, 1058 00:57:38,987 --> 00:57:40,722 that son of a bitch. 1059 00:57:40,789 --> 00:57:42,690 If a cat weighed twenty pounds more, it would eat you, 1060 00:57:42,757 --> 00:57:43,791 it would eat you, it would eat you. 1061 00:57:43,858 --> 00:57:45,560 It would eat you. 1062 00:57:45,626 --> 00:57:47,862 People who own cats say when it rubs up against me, 1063 00:57:47,929 --> 00:57:49,130 it makes that purring sound. 1064 00:57:49,197 --> 00:57:50,465 It's telling me it loves me. 1065 00:57:50,532 --> 00:57:52,100 No, it's not, It's telling you, 1066 00:57:52,167 --> 00:57:55,170 "You may feed me, but soon I will feed on you." 1067 00:57:56,138 --> 00:57:57,439 Yes, siree, Bob. 1068 00:57:57,505 --> 00:57:59,207 Oh, but it makes that pretty sound. 1069 00:57:59,274 --> 00:58:02,177 That sounds, sounds like there's a fucking engine inside. 1070 00:58:02,244 --> 00:58:04,279 Sometimes I think that cats aren't animals. 1071 00:58:04,345 --> 00:58:06,080 They're fucking machines. 1072 00:58:06,147 --> 00:58:07,415 OK? They shit in a box. 1073 00:58:07,482 --> 00:58:08,950 They shit in a box. 1074 00:58:09,016 --> 00:58:12,354 They shit in a box. They shit in a box. 1075 00:58:12,420 --> 00:58:14,022 A cat shits in a box. 1076 00:58:14,089 --> 00:58:15,856 No other animal shits in a box. 1077 00:58:15,923 --> 00:58:19,127 During the fall, do you ever see goddamn squirrel building a hut 1078 00:58:19,194 --> 00:58:20,795 for himself to take a shit? 1079 00:58:20,862 --> 00:58:22,230 No, you don't. 1080 00:58:22,297 --> 00:58:24,132 No, because the cat's hiding 1081 00:58:24,199 --> 00:58:26,067 in there to send the tapes they've been making 1082 00:58:26,134 --> 00:58:28,302 of you back to the mothership, asshole. 1083 00:58:28,369 --> 00:58:30,338 They've been tracking you. 1084 00:58:30,405 --> 00:58:34,276 They're the ones that control space lasers, not us Jews. 1085 00:58:52,594 --> 00:58:54,696 So... 1086 00:58:54,762 --> 00:58:58,333 I was asked a lot as I was sitting around 1087 00:58:58,400 --> 00:59:01,269 I do these interviews, you know, 1088 00:59:01,335 --> 00:59:03,237 "Boy, you're not working. 1089 00:59:03,304 --> 00:59:07,575 What, what do you miss the most about, you know, performing? 1090 00:59:07,642 --> 00:59:10,145 Do you miss the laughter?" 1091 00:59:10,211 --> 00:59:12,514 I said, "What? Laughter?" 1092 00:59:12,581 --> 00:59:14,749 I said, "I do a lot of performing and... 1093 00:59:14,816 --> 00:59:17,419 and... to no laughs. 1094 00:59:18,753 --> 00:59:20,422 And I do a lot of times 1095 00:59:20,488 --> 00:59:24,025 that I'll hear laughter and no one is there." 1096 00:59:28,196 --> 00:59:29,731 Yes, siree, Bob. 1097 00:59:31,766 --> 00:59:34,069 Yeah, no, I said, what I missed, 1098 00:59:35,469 --> 00:59:37,138 and this is what I missed 1099 00:59:37,205 --> 00:59:39,674 was my relationship with the audience. 1100 00:59:39,741 --> 00:59:43,177 What I missed is the fact that I miss you. 1101 00:59:43,244 --> 00:59:45,814 I missed my... but this is... 1102 00:59:54,256 --> 00:59:55,824 This is really sad for you. 1103 00:59:55,891 --> 00:59:57,525 This is sad what I'm gonna say. 1104 00:59:57,591 --> 00:59:59,294 But it's sad for you, 1105 00:59:59,361 --> 01:00:03,465 it's that you are my primary relationship. 1106 01:00:05,266 --> 01:00:08,369 And you are, you're the ones I talk to 1107 01:00:08,436 --> 01:00:11,539 and you've given me a, you've, you've come 1108 01:00:11,606 --> 01:00:14,142 out year after year after year, 1109 01:00:14,209 --> 01:00:16,144 and I'm in front of you 1110 01:00:16,210 --> 01:00:20,815 and you allow me to, to basically write in front of you. 1111 01:00:20,882 --> 01:00:23,318 I'm writing in front of you. 1112 01:00:23,385 --> 01:00:25,419 It takes a fucking idiot to do that. 1113 01:00:25,486 --> 01:00:27,088 And it takes a group of people 1114 01:00:27,154 --> 01:00:29,724 who are also idiots... 1115 01:00:29,790 --> 01:00:34,195 to come out and give me that kind of freedom. 1116 01:00:34,261 --> 01:00:36,264 It's extraordinary to me. 1117 01:00:36,331 --> 01:00:39,267 You've given me a gift that I will never be able to repay. 1118 01:00:39,334 --> 01:00:41,570 And for that, I deeply thank all of you. 1119 01:00:53,148 --> 01:00:54,649 And... 1120 01:00:58,787 --> 01:01:00,455 well, don't, 1121 01:01:01,322 --> 01:01:02,857 let's not push it. 1122 01:01:11,833 --> 01:01:14,836 And so in the end, what I realized is, is that... 1123 01:01:19,874 --> 01:01:21,209 I really... 1124 01:01:22,677 --> 01:01:24,079 I really don't like you. 1125 01:01:27,782 --> 01:01:32,087 But tragically, I need you. 1126 01:01:32,153 --> 01:01:35,357 So, please take care of each other and... 1127 01:01:35,423 --> 01:01:36,925 and I love you. 1128 01:01:38,492 --> 01:01:40,028 I can't thank you enough. 1129 01:01:40,095 --> 01:01:41,162 Good night. 79465

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