Original subtitles

Downloaded from YTS.MX

[keyboard clacking]

Official YIFY movies site: YTS.MX

[yawning]

[sighs]

GOOD NIGHT, MOM.

[rumbling]

[vehicle approaches]

[horn beeps]

Radio Announcer: 'Twas the week before Christmas,

and all through the house, not a creature was stirring,

except your favorite holiday classics, here only Holly 106.3.

That's right , boys and girls, the big day is approaching,

which means just six shopping days left

to find the perfect gift that makes that special someone in your life ask

if you've still got the receipt!

[Christmas rock music playing]

[alarm beeping]

[alarm beeping]

♪ CHRISTMAS LIVES IN EACH AND EVERYONE ♪

♪ ONE

♪ IT COMES OUT ONCE A YEAR TO SHARE THE FUN ♪

♪ FUN

♪ I DON'T WANNA SEE

♪ WANNA SEE WHAT YOU GOT FOR ME ♪

♪ I DON'T WANNA KNOW WANNA KNOW ♪

♪ IF YOU'RE COVERED IN SNOW

♪ CHRISTMAS IS MY FAVORITE TIME OF YEAR ♪

[yawns]

♪ YEAH

NO, NO, NO. IT'S THE STILLMAN FILE.

WELL, PURCHASE CONTRACTS JUST DON'T GET UP AND WALK AWAY.

-CHRISTMAS IS IN SIX DAYS. -I KNOW, BUDDY. I KNOW.

YOU SAID WE WERE GONNA GET A TREE YESTERDAY.

AND TWO DAYS BEFORE THAT...

JUST ONE MORE SECOND.

HEY, ROBBIE, IS THIS YOURS?

UH, NO.

THAT'S WEIRD. SOMEBODY MUST HAVE DROPPED IT OFF.

-MORNING, MR. T. MERRY CHRISTMAS. -MORNING, JERRY.

-[dogs barking] -HI, MR. TAYLOR. HI, ROBBIE.

-MORNING, AMELIA. -HI, AMELIA.

WOW, LOOK AT ALL THESE DOGS.

DID YOU JUST ROB A PET STORE OR SOMETHING?

PEOPLE HIRE ME TO WALK THEIR DOGS.

I'M ALREADY ON WINTER BREAK, WHICH IS TOTALLY AWESOME,

BECAUSE IT MEANS I CAN TAKE ON A BUNCH MORE CLIENTS FOR THE NEXT TWO WEEKS.

I JUST SAW THE BROWNS' COCKER SPANIEL AND THE VANDERHARTS' BOXER,

AND I HEAR THE BENITEZS' GERMAN SHEPHERD IS, LIKE, TOTALLY UP FOR GRABS NOW.

WHICH WOULD BE AMAZING FOR ME, BECAUSE I CAN SAVE MORE FOR COLLEGE,

AND RUNNING A BUSINESS LIKE THIS LOOKS TOTALLY GREAT ON YOUR APPLICATION.

SO, YOU KNOW, DAD, IT IS ALMOST CHRISTMAS--

WHOA. WHOA. WHOA, SON. WHOA. DON'T.

WHAT? YOU DIDN'T EVEN KNOW WHAT I WAS GONNA ASK.

REALLY?

DID IT START WITH A "CAN I" AND END WITH "A PUPPY"?

-[sighs] MAYBE. -I THOUGHT SO.

LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING. YOU STAND A BETTER CHANCE OF WINNING THE LOTTERY

AND GETTING STRUCK BY LIGHTNING ON THE SAME DAY THAN GETTING A NEW PUPPY.

[sighs]

LET'S GO. IN THE CAR.

Mitch: WELL, THAT'S NOT GONNA WORK. WE ALREADY TALKED ABOUT THAT.

NO, NO, NO, NO. 'CAUSE OF THE CONFERENCE.

YES, RIGHT. SO... UH-HUH.

YEAH, PUSH IT TO FRIDAY THEN.

YOU GOT IT. WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

I'M ON A CONFERENCE CALL. SIT. SIT. SIT. SIT.

YES, THANK YOU.

Mitch: YEAH.

OKAY.

HEY, WOULD YOU GET...

GET BACK IN THE CAR.

PUT YOUR SEAT BELT ON.

YOU THERE? YEAH, OKAY. I'M HERE. I'M HERE.

I CAN DO THAT.

I'LL CALL YOU BACK.

[sighs]

I MISS HER TOO, KIDDO.

[sighs]

[bell ringing]

-HEY, WAIT UP, OKAY? -OKAY.

-OH, MY GOD. REALLY? -REALLY? YOU THINK?

-WHAT? -[shushing]

-OH! -THERE HE IS.

-HOT, WIDOWED DAD. -YOU'RE TERRIBLE.

I'M JUST STATING FACTS.

HE'S HOT. HE'S A WIDOW.

IF HE WERE A FAT DRYWALL GUY, I'D SAY, "HERE COMES FAT DRYWALL GUY."

-YEAH. -THAT ONE, PRIME REAL ESTATE.

HI, MITCH. WE WERE JUST TALKING ABOUT YOU.

-[whispers] TRISH. -TRISH. TRISH.

-THAT'S RIGHT, TRISH. HEY. -TRISH, RIGHT.

HEY, DIANE. GOOD TO SEE YOU.

I WANTED TO THANK YOU FOR THE RECOMMENDATION.

THE DIVORCE LAWYER.

OH, RIGHT! OF COURSE. RIGHT, RIGHT.

YEAH, HE'S SUCH A MAN-EATER.

FRANCIS'S FATHER, MY EX... MY VERY, VERY EX,

HE BROKE DOWN SOBBING IN COURT THE OTHER DAY, JUST LIKE A LITTLE GIRL.

I WAS JUST ABOUT TO DROP OFF A CHECK AT THE--

-OH, THE CHRISTMAS PAGEANT. -YES.

I HEARD ROBBIE GOT THE LEAD.

CONGRATULATIONS.

YOU MUST BE SO PROUD.

-Mitch: SURE AM. -Trish: YEAH.

THIS ONE, HE'S PLAYING A ROCK. CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT?

I'M GONNA PUNCH YOU UNTIL BOTH MY FISTS COME OUT THE OTHER SIDE OF YOUR HEAD.

OH, LOOK AT THAT! YOU'RE JUST LIKE TWO PEAS IN A POD, YOU TWO.

OH, IF YOU'RE RUNNING A LITTLE LATE FOR SOMETHING,

I CAN TAKE THAT INTO THE OFFICE FOR YOU.

OH, THAT WOULD BE GREAT. THERE'S CHAOS AT WORK. I'VE GOT TO GET STRAIGHT THERE.

-NO PROBLEM. -YEAH, THANK YOU.

LISTEN, I FEEL SO BAD FOR YOU AND ROBBIE

HAVING DINNER ALL ALONE IN THAT GREAT, BIG, EMPTY HOUSE.

IF YOU EVER WANT, I CAN COME OVER AND...

UH, MONDAY? TUESDAY?

WEDNESDAY?

[laughing] DON'T MAKE ME STALK YOU.

THAT'S A LOVELY GESTURE, AND I APPRECIATE THAT.

WE SHOULD TRY TO DO THAT.

-OKAY. -WE WILL. OKAY.

HAVE A GREAT DAY.

-SEE YOU AFTER SCHOOL, BUDDY. -OKAY.

[bell ringing]

[telephones ringing]

MR. TAYLOR! THANK GOD.

THE PHONES HAVE BEEN RINGING OFF OF THE HOOK.

RELAX, TRUDY. BREATHE.

-DID YOU FIND THE... -STILLMAN FILE. YES.

YES. EXCELLENT. EXCELLENT.

BUT THAT IS NOT THE PROBLEM.

THE COFFEE IS THE PROBLEM.

IT'S DECAF. YOU ASKED ME TO SWITCH YOU, REMEMBER?

IN FACT, YOUR EXACT WORDS WERE,

"EVEN IF I THROW A STAPLER AT YOU,

"DO NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES, LET ME HAVE REGULAR COFFEE."

SO, WHAT'S THE BIG EMERGENCY?

DUNNE AND COOPERSMITH SAY THEY'RE GOING TO FILE AN INJUNCTION.

NO.

WAS IT THE TRANSFER MODIFICATIONS?

A WOMAN I CLERKED WITH IS ON THEIR LAND DEVELOPMENT TEAM, AND SHE SAYS IT'S A SLAM DUNK

THAT THEY AND TO CLAIM HARDSHIP AND LOSSES OVER TITLE LIABILITY.

WELL, THIS CLOSES NEXT WEEK. THEY'VE ALREADY DRAWN UP THE PAPERWORK.

DOES HARPER KNOW ABOUT THIS YET?

-I DON'T THINK SO. -OKAY. WELL, THAT'S GOOD.

GIVE ME THAT PAPERWORK, ALL OF IT.

I WANNA SCRUTINIZE ADJUSTMENTS, TAXES, UTILITY COSTS, EVERYTHING.

OKAY.

AND START LOOKING FOR PRECEDENT,

BECAUSE IF THIS GOES IN FRONT OF A JUDGE, I WANT US TO BE READY.

AND WE'RE NOT IN CRISIS MODE HERE, PEOPLE. WHAT DO I ALWAYS SAY?

[simultaneously] THERE ARE NO PROBLEMS,

ONLY OPPORTUNITIES IN UGLY CLOTHES.

THAT'S RIGHT.

LET'S DO THIS.

MR. TAYLOR, SHE'S COMING.

HARPER, WE WERE JUST...

[speaking French]

[phone beeps]

DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT CHILDBIRTH FEELS LIKE, MITCHELL?

UM, NO, I CAN'T SAY I...

AGONY. PURE, UNCONTROLLABLE, EXCRUCIATING AGONY.

I WOULD RATHER STEP ON A DOZEN RUSTY NAILS THAN TO GO THROUGH CHILDBIRTH.

I WOULD RATHER PULL MY LIP OVER MY HEAD

THAN TO GO THROUGH THE TORTURE

OF POPPING OUT ONE OF THESE LITTLE BUNDLES OF JOY AGAIN, OKAY?

THIRTY-SIX HOURS, MITCHELL. THIRTY-SIX HOURS OF LABOR.

ETHAN WAS BORN ON A TUESDAY,

AND BY WEDNESDAY, I WAS BACK IN THIS OFFICE CLOSING THE VILLA ESTATES DEAL.

I WAS 32 YEARS OLD.

BY THE TIME I WAS 33, THEY WERE GIVING THAT OLD GEEZER WHO FOUNDED THIS PLACE THE BOOT

AND STENCILING MY NAME ONTO HIS OFFICE DOOR.

I HAVE MUNICH FOR YOU.

FOCUS, MITCHELL.

I NEVER TOOK MY EYE OFF THE BALL.

IF YOU LOSE YOUR FOCUS FOR ONE SECOND IN THIS GAME,

YOU GET BEANED.

AND YOU'RE SUCKING YOUR DINNER THROUGH A STRAW FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE.

I'M ON TOP OF IT, HARPER. I PROMISE.

I HOPE SO.

EIGHT THOUSAND BILLABLE HOURS A YEAR,

THAT IS WHAT MILTON GREEN MEANS TO THIS FIRM.

THE INJUNCTION WAS JUST A SLIGHT HICCUP.

I DON'T LIKE HICCUPS.

-NO HICCUPS. -MITCHELL...

SORRY.

THE HOLIDAY PARTY IS IN THREE DAYS.

GREEN IS GONNA BE THERE, AND I WANT EVERYTHING TO GO OFF WITHOUT A HITCH.

NO HITCH, NO PROBLEM. I'M ON TOP OF IT.

IN FACT, WE ORDERED THE DOM PERIGNON, THE '93, YOUR FAVORITE.

AND WE CLOSED THE CONTRACT WITH THE CATERER,

AND ALL OF OUR BIGGEST CLIENTS ARE CONFIRMED TO ATTEND, ALL OF THEM.

GOOD.

I'M COUNTING ON YOU TO HANDLE THIS, MITCHELL.

[phone beeps]

KLAUS! [speaking German]

OKAY, IN LINE, EVERYONE. PLEASE, PLEASE.

IF YOUR NAME WAS CALLED,

YOU NEED TO BE ON STAGE FOR THE BIG, CHRISTMAS CAROL NUMBER, OKAY?

SCROOGE. WHERE IS MY EBENEZER SCROOGE?

NO! NO, CALEB! WE DO NOT MAKE HENRY EAT OUR SHOES.

[sighs] I CAN'T BELIEVE I GOT STUCK PLAYING SANTA.

YEAH, YOU TOTALLY BLEW IT AT THE AUDITION.

YOU ACTUALLY TRIED.

NAOMI SAYS SHE LIKES YOU.

[stammering] SERIOUSLY?

YEAH, SHE WANTS YOU TO BE HER BOYFRIEND. THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID.

UH, OKAY.

Girl: YOU SHOULD BUY HER A NECKLACE.

A NECKLACE?

BOYFRIENDS ALWAYS BUY THEIR GIRLFRIENDS NECKLACES FOR CHRISTMAS.

OKAY.

AND CHOCOLATE, AND SOME STICKERS.

YEAH.

OKAY.

HELLO. GREETINGS FROM LAND USE AND MEDIATION. ANYONE IN HERE?

JUST ME.

I THINK TRUDY IS BURIED UNDER AN AVALANCHE OF PAPERWORK, SOMEWHERE.

HAS HURRICANE HARPER BLOWN THROUGH YET?

-THANK YOU. -YOU'RE WELCOME.

YOU'RE LOOKING AT THE AFTERMATH.

I THINK THE GOVERNOR'S OFFICE HAS OFFICIALLY DECLARED THIS PLACE A DISASTER AREA.

THE GREEN INJUNCTION?

[chuckles] ALREADY?

YEAH. BAD NEWS TRAVELS FAST.

YI-YI-YI-YI.

HOW ABOUT DINNER TONIGHT?

YOU CAN VENT TO ME OVER A NICE BOTTLE OF CABERNET.

I WISH I COULD.

CHRISTMAS SHOPPING. I PROMISED I'D TAKE ROBBIE TO THE MALL.

WHY DON'T YOU COME ALONG?

OH, YEAH. I AM SURE THAT WOULD MAKE ROBBIE'S NIGHT.

IT'S NOT THAT BAD.

WELL, I'M NOT EXACTLY MARY POPPINS WHEN IT COMES TO KIDS, MITCH.

CHLOE, YOU'RE THE FIRST WOMAN ROBBIE'S SEEN ME WITH SINCE HIS MOM.

HE'LL COME AROUND.

HE JUST NEEDS A LITTLE MORE TIME.

AND WHAT IF HE DOESN'T?

SORRY. I DON'T MEAN TO SOUND COLD AND NOT UNDERSTANDING.

IT'S JUST, UH...

YOU KNOW, I THINK YOU AND I HAVE SOMETHING GOOD GOING.

-OH, NO. -WHAT?

-OH, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO. -WHAT?

ROBBIE'S SCHOOL. I'M LATE.

I'LL CALL YOU. I GOTTA GO.

[sighs]

I KNOW. I KNOW.

I'M SORRY. THERE WAS AN EMERGENCY AT THE OFFICE. I LOST TRACK OF TIME.

THERE'S ALWAYS AN EMERGENCY AT THE OFFICE.

GIVE IT A REST, ROBBIE.

IN THE CAR.

IT'S BEEN A TOUGH DAY.

CAN I HAVE A RAISE IN MY ALLOWANCE?

[laughs] FOR WHAT?

I HAVE EXPENSES.

YOU'RE 11 YEARS OLD. WHAT EXPENSES?

THERE'S BEEN A SPIKE IN THE PRICE OF POKEMON CARDS OR WHAT?

[sighs] NEVER MIND.

HEY, IS THIS YOURS, BY THE WAY?

DID YOU ORDER THIS?

DAD, I HAVEN'T HAD A TEDDY BEAR SINCE I WAS SEVEN.

HMM.

I'LL TAKE THAT AS A NO.

[pop beat playing]

♪ JOY TO THE WORLD

♪ THE LORD IS COME

♪ LET EARTH...

BAILEY.

BAILEY, LISTEN TO ME.

CERTIFICATION OF SERVICE HAS TO BE SIGNED AND DATED BEFORE IT GOES TO COURT, RIGHT?

RIGHT? YEAH.

WELL, THAT'S NOT GONNA WORK.

[sighs]

[stammering] EXCUSE ME.

HI, CAN I SEE THAT PINK NECKLACE?

DON'T LOOK AT ME. I'VE BEEN WAITING HERE 20 MINUTES, MYSELF.

NO. NO, YOU CAN'T FORGE MY NAME.

OKAY? YEAH.

DON'T FORGET THAT NOTARY.

OH, I'M SO SORRY. NO, NO, NO, NO.

THAT ONE, UH, WAS MINE.

THAT ONE.

DON'T SEE YOUR NAME ON IT.

YOU SNOOZE, YOU LOSE.

EXCUSE ME. MY SON REALLY, REALLY WANTS THAT.

AND IN FACT, HE CIRCLED IT AND UNDERLINED IT ON HIS CHRISTMAS LIST.

MY KID WANTS ONE TOO.

TOUGH.

WAIT. NO NEED TO BE HOSTILE. WE CAN RESOLVE THIS AMICABLY.

I'VE GOT A $20 BILL RIGHT HERE WITH YOUR NAME ON IT.

NO WAY, BUDDY.

THIS IS THE LAST GALACTIC NINJA IN LOS ANGELES.

I'VE BEEN EVERYWHERE. BETTER LUCK NEXT YEAR.

UH, $50?

OBVIOUSLY, MONEY DOESN'T INTEREST YOU.

I HAPPEN TO BE AN ATTORNEY.

UH, PERHAPS I COULD INTEREST YOU

IN SOME FREE LEGAL SERVICES. MA'AM?

EXCUSE ME.

THE TOY SECTION IS ON THE FIRST FLOOR

BETWEEN APPLIANCES AND THE TOOL CORRAL.

I JUST WANNA KNOW HOW MUCH THIS IS.

[register beeps]

IT'S $24.36.

AH! I ONLY HAVE $16.

THIS ECONOMY, RIGHT?

DAD!

[whistles]

-DAD! -YES, SON?

WE JUST PASSED A CHRISTMAS TREE LOT.

WHERE?

RIGHT THERE.

[sighs]

CAN WE DO THAT TOMORROW, SON? IT'S BEEN A LONG DAY.

DAD, COME ON.

-[sighs] -[grumbles]

ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT, OKAY. YOU'RE RIGHT. LET'S DO THIS.

BUT WE GOTTA BE SUPER QUICK, OKAY?

YES!

[Christmas music playing]

[sarcastically] THANKS FOR THE HELP.

DAD, THAT WAS THE FIRST ONE THAT WE SAW.

YOU JUST GRABBED THE FIRST ONE.

ROBBIE, YOU WANTED A TREE, WE GOT A TREE.

DAD, IT'S ALL CROOKED.

THE ORNAMENTS ARE GONNA FALL TO ONE SIDE.

YOU KNOW WHAT? ENOUGH. ENOUGH. I DON'T HAVE TIME FOR THIS.

YEAH, YOU NEVER HAVE TIME FOR ANYTHING, DO YOU?

ALL YOU DO IS WORK.

HERE WE GO.

I KNOW. POOR BABY. YOU'VE GOT IT SO TOUGH.

[sighs] WHATEVER, DAD.

CHRISTMAS SUCKS!

YOU KNOW WHAT, ROBBIE?

I JUST WISH ONCE, JUST ONCE,

YOU COULD SEE HOW TOUGH IT IS FOR ME TO PULL ALL OF THIS TOGETHER ALL OF THE TIME.

OKAY, YOU SIT BACK THERE, AND YOU THINK CHRISTMAS JUST MAGICALLY HAPPENS.

I GOT NEWS FOR YOU, BUDDY. THAT MAGIC IS A LOT OF WORK.

HUH? OH, YEAH? WELL, I WISH YOU COULD SEE ALL THE CRAP THAT I HAVE TO GO THROUGH.

LIKE WHAT? YOU'RE 11!

THIS WHOLE STUPID SCHOOL.

THIS BOY, FRANCIS, THAT ALWAYS TRIES TO KILL ME!

AND NOW, THE STUPID PAGEANT!

PAGEANT! PAGEANT! PAGEANT! ENOUGH WITH THE PAGEANT!

YOU GET TWO WEEKS OFF. YOU GET TONS OF GIFTS.

YOU GET TO GOOF OFF WITH YOUR BUDDIES ALL THE TIME. I WISH I HAD IT THAT GOOD!

[sighs]

[male electronic voice] Your Christmas wish is my command.

I'M DRIVING. DAD. DAD, I'M DRIVING.

HOW DID I GET BACK HERE?

I DON'T KNOW HOW TO DRIVE.

ROBBIE, ROBBIE, HIT THE BRAKES!

-DAD? -YES?

WHY DO I LOOK LIKE YOU?

WHY DO YOU LOOK LIKE ME?

WHAT'S HAPPENING? WHAT'S HAPPENING? I'M TOTALLY FREAKING OUT.

PLEASE MAKE IT STOP, DAD. PLEASE MAKE IT STOP.

OH, MY GOD! OH, MY GOD, ROBBIE! I'M YOU.

IF YOU'RE ME,

AM I YOU?

HOW DID THIS HAPPEN?

I DON'T KNOW, MAN. I DON'T KNOW. MAYBE WE GOT ZAPPED BY ALIENS OR SOMETHING.

ALIENS, ROBBIE? ALIENS? YEAH. YEAH, THAT'S A GREAT EXPLANATION!

OH. UH, HI. GOOD EVENING.

HELLO.

ROBBIE, GET IN THE CAR RIGHT NOW.

WE'RE GOING TO SORT THIS OUT WHEN WE GET HOME.

OKAY.

[horn honks]

-ROBBIE? -YEAH?

WE'RE GONNA HAVE TO SWITCH.

YOU MEAN DRIVE, DAD? THERE IS ABSOLUTELY NO WAY. I MEAN, I...

ROBBIE, I'LL TALK YOU THROUGH IT, OKAY?

IF A COP SEES AN 11-YEAR-OLD DRIVING THIS THING, WE'RE TOAST.

NOW, JUST COME ON.

WHAT ABOUT YOU?

WHAT ABOUT ME?

YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO SIT IN THE FRONT SEAT UNTIL YOU'RE 12.

ROBBIE, I'M A GROWN MAN.

ALL RIGHT.

TELL THAT TO THE COPS.

[tires screech, engine revs]

HALLELUJAH! WE'RE ALIVE.

OH, MAN!

I PROMISE, I PROMISE, IF THIS IS JUST A BAD DREAM,

I'LL DO, LIKE, A BILLION JILLION CHORES

IF YOU JUST LET ME WAKE UP, PLEASE.

PLEASE!

ROBBIE, THERE'S GOTTA BE A PERFECTLY LOGICAL EXPLANATION.

Mitch: A PERFECTLY LOGICAL...

WILL YOU STOP LOOKING AT ME?

WHY?

BECAUSE IT'S WEIRDING ME OUT. THAT'S WHY!

DO I REALLY LOOK LIKE THAT?

ROBBIE, DON'T FREAK OUT. LIKE YOU SAID,

THIS WHOLE THING COULD JUST JUST TURN OUT TO BE A DREAM OR SOMETHING, OKAY?

WE CAN'T BOTH BE HAVING THE SAME DREAM!

-ROBBIE, WHAT ARE YOU DOING? -I'M TRYING TO WAKE MYSELF UP.

ROBBIE, STOP. STOP. JUST CALM DOWN.

WE'RE GONNA BE FINE AS LONG AS WE DO NOT PANIC, OKAY?

I'M NOT PANICKING.

I'M FREAKING OUT!

WHAT'S HAPPENING, DAD?

[groans]

ROBBIE, I DON'T KNOW.

CAN YOU REMEMBER ANYTHING?

[crying] NO. NO.

WE WERE ARGUING,

AND THEN THAT BEAR MADE A WEIRD NOISE.

AND THEN I THINK IT SAID SOMETHING.

AND THEN I WAS DRIVING!

OH, MAN.

THE BEAR?

YOU THINK MAYBE WE SHOULD CALL A DOCTOR?

A DOCTOR, ROBBIE? REALLY?

OH, YEAH, WHAT ARE WE GONNA SAY? "OH, HEY, DOC.

"MY KID AND I SEEM TO HAVE SWITCHED BODIES. YOU GOT A PILL FOR THAT?"

ROBBIE, THEY'LL HAVE US COMMITTED!

WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?

IT MEANS WE HAVE TO FIGURE THIS OUT FOR OURSELVES.

OKAY, SO, LET ME GET THIS STRAIGHT.

WE STARTED ARGUING, THE BEAR STARTED TALKING,

THEN, BOOM, WE'RE IN EACH OTHER'S BODIES.

RIGHT.

OKAY, SO, LET'S START ARGUING,

AND MAYBE IT'LL SWITCH US BACK OR SOMETHING.

ARGUING? ABOUT WHAT? I MEAN, JUST START YELLING AT EACH OTHER?

ROBBIE, I DON'T CARE. JUST START!

-GO. COME ON. -OKAY. OKAY.

HERE GOES.

YOU...

YOU SMELL WEIRD, AND YOU'VE GOT HAIR EVERYWHERE.

WELL... WELL, YOU NEVER CLEAN YOUR ROOM!

ALL YOU DO IS JUST SIT THERE AND PLAY STUPID VIDEO GAMES ALL DAY!

OKAY. OKAY. WELL, YOU DO NOTHING BUT BOSS ME AROUND ALL THE TIME!

YOU NEVER APPLY YOURSELF!

YOU NEVER PUT OUT THE GARBAGE, AND I'M STUCK DOING IT!

[laughing] OH! GARBAGE, HUH?

-YEAH! -YOU'RE GONNA GO THERE? THAT'S YOUR BEST SHOT?

WELL, YOU KNOW WHAT? YOU SUCK AT ARGUING!

I SUCK AT ARGUING?

ROBBIE, I'M A LAWYER. I GET PAID TO ARGUE.

WELL, THEN HOW COME I'M KICKING YOUR BUTT AT ARGUING?

-ROBBIE, LOUDER. COME ON. -I'M TRYING! OKAY.

LOUD, RANDOM NOISES OF ARGUING!

DAD, IT'S NOT WORKING.

I CAN CLEARLY SEE THAT.

SWITCH US BACK, YOU STUPID BEAR.

-ROBBIE. -SWITCH US...

THAT THING TOTALLY "FREAKY FRIDAY-ED" US.

DID I BREAK IT?

CAN YOU FIX IT?

ROBBIE, I'M A LAWYER, NOT A REPAIRMAN.

Mitch: [gasps] THERE'S A NUMBER ON THE THING.

-QUICK. QUICK. GRAB THE PHONE. -OKAY.

-[phone ringing] -[gasps] IT'S RINGING.

-IS ANYBODY THERE? DID THEY PICK UP? -SHH!

You have reached the helpline of Mystery Emporium.

-[groans] -SHOOT.

-IT'S JUST A VOICE MAIL. -Please leave a message. We'll get right back to you.

-[sighs] -[voice mail beeps]

YES, HI. THIS IS MITCH TAYLOR.

I'M CALLING BECAUSE A BEAR WAS DROPPED OFF AT MY HOUSE,

AND I JUST FOUND THE PHONE NUMBER ON THE BACK OF THIS THING,

-SO, UM, PLEASE CALL US. -PLEASE CALL BACK!

SHH!

UH, YOU CAN CONTACT ME AT 721-354-7623.

[exhales] OKAY, SO NOW...

NOW, WE WAIT.

OH, MAN.

THAT'S IT?

WE JUST WAIT?

I MEAN, WHAT ELSE ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO?

-DAD! -WHAT?

YOU'RE 11 YEARS OLD, REMEMBER?

YOU CAN'T DRINK BEER.

OH.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

BRUSHING MY TEETH.

WITH YOUR TOOTHBRUSH?

YEAH. SO?

DAD, IN MY MOUTH.

THAT'S GROSS.

LOOK...

ROBBIE, IT'S BEEN A LONG DAY. [sighs] AND I JUST WANNA GO TO BED.

SO, MAYBE WHEN WE WAKE UP, THIS WHOLE NIGHTMARE WILL BE OVER.

SO GROSS.

[slow pop song playing]

♪ I DON'T WANNA WAIT ANOTHER DAY ♪

♪ ONE MORE MINUTE WITHOUT YOU IS A WASTE ♪

♪ WHEN THE LIGHTS GO UP

♪ AND THE SNOW IS ON DISPLAY

[sighs]

♪ EVERY SECOND OF THIS HOLIDAY ♪

♪ SEEMS LIKE HOURS WHEN I FEEL... ♪

DAD! DAD!

I'M STILL YOU.

EAT SOME PANCAKES.

MAYBE YOU'LL FEEL BETTER.

PANCAKES WON'T FIX THIS, DAD.

WHOA.

THESE ARE GOOD.

ALL RIGHT, I HAVE A PLAN.

GREAT. WHAT'S YOUR PLAN?

WE LAY LOW.

WE STAY COMPLETELY OUT OF SIGHT UNTIL WE HEAR BACK FROM THE NUMBER ON THE BEAR.

-UH-HUH. -I CAN WORK FROM HOME.

WE NEVER LEAVE THIS HOUSE.

THAT'S YOUR PLAN?

I DO WHAT I CAN.

[knocking on door]

QUIET.

DON'T MAKE A SOUND.

MAYBE THEY'LL LEAVE.

-Amelia: MR, TAYLOR, ARE YOU IN THERE? -[dogs barking]

-Mitch: IT'S AMELIA. -Robbie: SHH.

Amelia: I THOUGHT I HEARD SOMEBODY YELLING IN THERE,

AND I KNOW YOU GUYS ARE USUALLY GONE BY NOW.

ARE YOU OKAY IN THERE?

MAYBE SHE'LL JUST GO AWAY.

WHAT IF SHE CALLS THE COPS OR SOMETHING?

[sighs] ALL RIGHT, FINE. ANSWER IT, BUT KEEP IT SHORT.

HEY, AMELIA.

HEY, MR. TAYLOR. EVERYTHING OKAY?

YEAH, JUST, YOU KNOW, GOOFING AROUND.

[whimpering]

HEY, GUYS.

OH. HI, ROBBIE.

THOUGHT YOU DIDN'T LIKE DOGS, MR. TAYLOR.

THAT'S RIGHT. I JUST MUST HAVE FORGOT FOR A MINUTE.

OH, HERE. I BROUGHT YOUR PAPER UP.

YOU KNOW, YOU REALLY SHOULDN'T LEAVE

YOUR NEWSPAPER SITTING ON YOUR DRIVEWAY LIKE THAT, MR. TAYLOR.

CRIMINALS SEE THAT, AND THINK NOBODY IS HOME,

AND TRY TO BREAK IN YOUR HOUSE AND STEAL EVERYTHING.

-GOOD POINT -ESPECIALLY AROUND THE HOLIDAYS.

RIGHT. I'LL... I'LL TRY TO REMEMBER THAT.

AMELIA?

[whispering] WHO AM I?

WHAT?

[whispering] WHO AM I, AMELIA?

YOU MEAN, LIKE, PHILOSOPHICALLY OR SOMETHING?

THANKS, AMELIA. WE'LL SEE YOU LATER.

Robbie: BYE.

OH, NO!

NOT TODAY.

THIS CAN'T BE HAPPENING.

OKAY, I CAN FIX THIS.

JUST AN OPPORTUNITY IN UGLY CLOTHES, RIGHT?

ROBBIE,

I'M GONNA NEED YOU TO GO TO MY OFFICE.

WHAT?

I DON'T KNOW HOW TO DO YOUR JOB.

I DON'T KNOW THE FIRST THING ABOUT BEING A LAWYER.

I CAN'T BE YOU, DAD. YOU'RE...

I'M WHAT?

YOU'RE GROWN-UP, AND BORING, AND OLD.

EXACTLY HOW OLD DO YOU THINK THAT I AM?

I DON'T KNOW. 60.

-60? -65?

[sighs] LOOK, ROBBIE, WE DON'T HAVE ANOTHER CHOICE.

WHAT ABOUT, YOU KNOW, US TRYING TO LAY LOW?

[sighs]

MILTON GREEN IS OUR BIGGEST CLIENT.

IF THE SOUTH BASIN DEVELOPMENT ENDS UP GETTING DERAILED,

HARPER WILL FIRE ME SO FAST IT'LL MAKE YOUR HEAD SPIN.

-SO WHAT? -"SO WHAT?"

ROBBIE, WHAT DO YOU THINK PAYS FOR THIS HOUSE OR THE FOOD?

THIS IS THE REAL WORLD.

THE REAL WORLD, DAD?

TRY LOOKING IN THE MIRROR AND TELLING ME THAT AGAIN.

[phone ringing]

-THE BEAR. -THE BEAR.

[phone continues ringing]

HELLO. HELLO.

This is Agnes from Ralph Parker Elementary.

Can I speak to Mr. Taylor please?

-THIS IS HIM. -Excuse me?

OH. UH... [clears throat]

[in a deep voice] YES, I JUST HAD A FROG IN MY THROAT.

YES, THIS IS MR. TAYLOR.

Hi, Mr. Taylor. We noticed Robbie isn't in school today.

OH, YEAH. RIGHT. I MEANT TO CALL.

HE'S FEELING A LITTLE BIT UNDER THE WEATHER.

UH, HE'S NOT GONNA BE ABLE TO MAKE IT TODAY.

IN FACT, HE PROBABLY WON'T BE ABLE TO MAKE IT UNTIL AFTER CHRISTMAS.

Mr. Taylor, Robbie's already missed quite a bit of school this semester.

FREEZE.

UH, WHAT DO YOU MEAN BY A LOT?

I ONLY REMEMBER HIM BEING OUT A COUPLE TIMES.

He's been out 10 times this year already.

I hate to say it, but if these absences continue,

we'll have to consider holding him back a year.

OKAY. HE'LL BE THERE. I'LL MAKE SURE OF IT.

WHY DID YOU TELL HER THAT? YOU CAN'T GO TO MY SCHOOL.

APPARENTLY, NEITHER CAN YOU.

TEN TIMES, ROBBIE? WHAT IS SHE TALKING ABOUT?

[sighs] MAYBE I FORGOT TO SAY "HERE" A FEW TIMES

WHEN MRS. BREWER WAS DOING ATTENDANCE.

I WANT THE TRUTH, ROBBIE.

OKAY, MAYBE I KIND OF, SORT OF WROTE A FEW ABSENTEE NOTES AND...

FORGED YOUR NAME ON THEM.

YOU FORGED MY SIGNATURE?

[sighs] ON HOW MANY?

LIKE, EIGHT.

EIGHT? EIGHT?

ROBBIE, HOW DID YOU THINK I WAS NOT GONNA FIND OUT ABOUT THIS?

DAD, DON'T YOU THINK WE HAVE BIGGER PROBLEMS TO DEAL WITH RIGHT NOW?

ROBERT FRANCIS, YOU COME BACK HERE RIGHT NOW.

I'M NOT DONE TALKING ABOUT THIS, YOUNG MAN.

DAD, I REALLY DON'T THINK THIS IS SUCH A GOOD IDEA.

ROBBIE, DEPOSITION IS A PIECE OF CAKE.

IT'S JUST A WHOLE BUNCH OF LAWYERS SITTING IN A ROOM

TRYING TO TALK OVER EACH OTHER.

EASY FOR YOU TO SAY.

DON'T WORRY.

IF YOU JUST KEEP YOUR MOUTH SHUT, EVERYTHING WILL BE FINE.

OH, YOU REMEMBER MY PARALEGAL, RIGHT?

-BAILEY. -YEAH.

WELL, TELL HER THAT YOU'RE SICK, AND YOU'RE LOSING YOUR VOICE OR SOMETHING.

BUT REMEMBER, TELL HER THAT SHE NEEDS TO TAKE THE LEAD TODAY.

-CAN YOU REMEMBER THAT? -GOT IT.

SHE WILL JUMP RIGHT AT THE CHANCE.

HOPEFULLY, THEY WON'T, BUT IF ANYBODY ASKS YOU ANYTHING,

THE ANSWER SHOULD BE ON THOSE INDEX CARDS RIGHT THERE.

DON'T LET ANYBODY SEE THEM.

OKAY.

COOL. WHAT'S, UH...

PER-... PEREMPTORY CHALLENGE?

UH, NEVER MIND THAT.

WHEN IT'S ALL OVER, YOU NEED TO RUSH HOME AS FAST AS YOU CAN.

WHATEVER YOU DO, PLEASE DON'T TALK TO HARPER.

COOL.

HEY, DAD, YOU THINK YOU CAN HANDLE THE SIXTH GRADE?

I DON'T KNOW.

I'VE ALREADY BEEN THROUGH ELEMENTARY SCHOOL ONCE,

AND I DON'T EXACTLY RECALL IT BEING A PICNIC.

BUT I'M NOT LETTING YOU FLUNK OUT.

AWESOME.

THAT MEANS I GET TO DRIVE. THAT MEANS I GET TO DRIVE.

YEAH, KEEP DREAMING, KIDDO.

I'M GONNA CALL A TAXI.

COME ON, DAD.

MORNING, MR. TAYLOR.

HEY, BAILEY. WHAT'S UP?

I MEAN... [clears throat]

[in a deep voice] GOOD MORNING.

BATTLE STATIONS, MR. TAYLOR.

TRUDY, AWESOME SWEATER.

DUNNE AND COOPERSMITH HAVE REALLY BROUGHT OUT THE BIG GUNS ON THIS ONE.

IT'S THE COMPLAINANT, PLUS KETTERING AND DAVIS.

BAILEY HAS US SET UP IN CONFERENCE ROOM TWO.

I'VE ALREADY SET THE THERMOSTAT TO 75 DEGREES WITH...

MR. TAYLOR, CONFERENCE ROOM TWO.

I'VE ALREADY SET THE THERMOSTAT TO 75 DEGREES.

I'VE GO THE CHAIRS DIRECTLY BENEATH THEM, AND THEY'RE FACING THE WINDOWS,

SO THE SUN SHOULD BE IN THEIR EYES WITHIN THE NEXT 20 MINUTES.

SO REALLY GRILL THEM TILL THEY START TO SIZZLE.

WHAT IS THIS?

COFFEE.

DECAF LIKE YOU ASKED.

UGH. DO YOU HAVE ANYTHING ELSE LIKE SOME CHOCOLATE MILK, OR A JUICE BOX, OR SOMETHING?

-UGH. -JUICE BOX?

I DON'T KNOW. MAYBE.

MR. TAYLOR, WE REALLY NEED TO HURRY.

UH, TRUDY, YOU KNOW, I WAS THINKING...

TRUDY, I'M GONNA NEED A FEW THINGS. SOME...

-SOME PENCILS... -UH, MR. TAYLOR...

-SOME POST-ITS... -YOU NEED ME TO HELP YOU WITH THAT?

SOME FOLDERS. WE NEED FOLDERS, RIGHT?

MR. TAYLOR, THESE FOLDERS GO UP TO TRANSACTIONS AND LITIGATIONS.

JUST LET ME HAVE THE FOLDERS, OKAY? IT'S TOTALLY FINE.

DUDE, GIVE ME THE FOLDERS.

UH...

OKAY.

-SORRY. -NO SWEAT. JUST, UH, TOOK ME SIX HOURS TO...

-MR. TAYLOR. -COLLATE THESE LAST NIGHT.

-MR. TAYLOR, PLEASE. -I'M REALLY SORRY.

I HAD TO BAIL ON MY GIRLFRIEND'S ANNIVERSARY DINNER.

-SHE CHANGED THE LOCKS. -Trudy: I SPOKE WITH THE SUPPLIER.

HE'S RECOMMENDING WE GO WITH ONE MORE CASE OF THE DOM.

-WHAT? -THE DOM PERIGNON.

THE CHAMPAGNE.

CHAMPAGNE?

DO YOU THINK THAT'S A BAD IDEA?

I DON'T KNOW. DO YOU?

I'M CONFUSED. ARE YOU SAYING WE SHOULD CANCEL THE CHAMPAGNE?

I SUPPOSE WE COULD GO WITH A NICE MONTRACHET MAYBE.

IS THAT FRENCH FOR COKE?

YOU WANT ME TO ORDER COKE?

WELL, IF I WERE HAVING A PARTY, I'D ORDER A BUNCH OF 12-PACKS OF THAT.

ARE YOU FEELING OKAY, MR. TAYLOR?

WHY? DON'T I LOOK OKAY? IS SOMETHING WRONG?

I STILL LOOK LIKE MITCH TAYLOR, RIGHT?

MITCHELL, EXCELLENT. THERE'S SOMEONE I'D LIKE YOU TO MEET.

[whispering hoarsely] I HAVE A LITTLE THROAT THING.

MR. GREEN, I'D LIKE YOU TO MEET MITCH TAYLOR.

HE'LL BE HANDLING POINT FOR US ON SOUTH BASIN.

-PLEASURE. I... -WHOA!

SIR.

MS. SHAW HAS BEEN SINGING YOUR PRAISES ALL WEEK.

THOUGHT I'D STOP BY AND TAKE A LOOK AT YOU IN ACTION.

SWEET.

WELL, I'LL, UH, SEE YOU ON THE BATTLEFIELD.

[whispering] WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?

LET'S GO.

AM I IN TROUBLE?

[sighs]

[clears throat]

IF THIS IS SOME KIND OF LAME TACTIC, TAYLOR, IT'S NOT GONNA WORK.

UH... LAME TACTIC?

CAN WE JUST GET THIS UNDERWAY, PLEASE?

WE'D LIKE TO GET OUT OF HERE BEFORE WE'RE OLD ENOUGH TO COLLECT SOCIAL SECURITY.

YES. YES. [stammering] I'M SO SORRY.

I'M JUST TRYING TO...

[sighs] I JUST... I'M SORRY.

THIS IS ALL I COULD FIND, MR. TAYLOR.

GREAT. THANK YOU.

UH...

[gulping]

OH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH. THIS IS THE, UH... UM... UH... [clears throat]

I... UM, I'M SICK TODAY.

AND I HAVE, UH...

[whispering] YOU KNOW, I HAVE A THROAT... I'M LOSING MY VOICE,

SO I'M GONNA NEED YOU TO COVER ALL OF THIS TODAY, OKAY?

EVERYTHING, ALL OF IT FOR ME, OKAY?

ABSOLUTELY, MR. TAYLOR.

EXCUSE ME.

I AM NOT PAYING YOU PEOPLE A SMALL FORTUNE TO HAVE A PARALEGAL ARGUE MY POSITION,

DEPOSITION OR NOT.

NO, OF COURSE NOT, MR. GREEN.

MITCHELL WILL BE TAKING LEAD TODAY.

-WON'T YOU, MITCHELL? -UH, OKAY.

OKAY. UH...

-UH, I'LL TRY. -MM-HMM.

SO, WHY DON'T, YOU KNOW, YOU GUYS GO FIRST, AND THEN WE CAN...

WE CAN TAKE OUR TURN?

MR. TAYLOR, WE'RE SIMPLY HERE TO REDIRECT SHOULD THE NEED ARISE.

WE CAN'T REDIRECT A DEPONENT UNTIL YOU'VE ALREADY QUESTIONED HIM.

RIGHT. RIGHT. EXACTLY. I KNEW THAT.

[chuckles nervously]

[stammering] JUST TESTING.

UM... WHY DON'T YOU, UM, DO WHATEVER IT IS,

YOU KNOW, WHEN YOU GO FIRST, AND THEN WE'LL JUST, YOU KNOW, JUMP IN WHENEVER.

HI, ROBBIE. RUNNING A LITTLE LATE TODAY, HUH, HON?

HI, TRISH.

MS. KOZLOWSKI, ROBBIE.

SORRY.

SAY HI TO THAT CUTE DAD OF YOURS FOR ME.

[sighs] OH, BOY.

OKAY, MR. BILLINGS...

MR. BILLINGS?

ARE YOU SERIOUS?

[laughing] OH, YES, MISTER... MR. BILLINGS.

UH, YES, CAN YOU, UM...

CAN YOU PLEASE DESCRIBE THE NATURE OF YOUR COMPLAINT

AS IT PERTAINS TO THE INJUNCTION

YOU FILED AGAINST GREEN LTD AND PALM CANYONS...

ILK?

ILK? ILK?

L-L-C.

OH. [laughs]

YES, PALM CANYONS, LLC.

I OWN THE 42 ACRES ADJOINING THE GREEN DEVELOPMENT IN PALM CANYONS.

AND IF MILTON GREEN THINKS THAT HE CAN OBTAIN PERMANENT EASEMENT

WITHOUT RENEGOTIATING TERMS,

HE'S GOT ANOTHER THING COMING.

EASY, HOWARD.

[gulping]

MR. TAYLOR, PLEASE! [exclaims]

-[stammers] -WHAT THE HECK ARE YOU DOING, MR. TAYLOR?

I'M REALLY... I'M SORRY. I'M REALLY SORRY.

I'VE GOT THIS.

UH, MITCHELL?

OW!

NO, NO, I GOT THIS. I GOT THIS.

I GOT THIS. ALL RIGHT, WE'RE GONNA DO...

WHOA!

-Bailey: ARE YOU OKAY? -I GOT IT. I GOT IT. YES.

I GOT IT. I'M OKAY.

Robbie: IT'S OKAY.

I'M, UM... MR. UM...

BILLINGS?

BILLINGS. BILLINGS, YEAH.

WOULD YOU CARE TO REVIEW THE TRANSCRIPT OF YOUR TESTIMONY

TODAY IN ITS ENTIRETY

AND CHANGE ANY OF YOUR ANSWERS BEFORE THEY...

THEY'RE ENTERED INTO THE RECORD?

MY TESTIMONY IN ITS ENTIRETY?

YOU MEAN THE ONE QUESTION YOU ASKED ME?

OKAY, THIS IS OVER.

OH, NO, NO, NO.

WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY? [stammering] WHAT...

YOU HEARD WHAT HE SAID. THEY QUIT. WE WIN. THEY QUIT.

NO, NO, NO. NO, NO. NO BACKSIES.

IF SHAW, COLLINS AND TATE ISN'T GOING TO TAKE THIS DEPOSITION SERIOUSLY,

NEITHER ARE WE.

WE WERE LOOKING FOR A SIMPLE SOLUTION.

CLEARLY, YOU'RE LOOKING FOR A FIGHT.

NO, NO, NO, WE'RE NOT LOOKING FOR A FIGHT. WE'RE NOT LOOKING FOR A FIGHT.

LET'S GO.

NO, NO, NO. YES! WE WIN. THEY QUIT.

WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU? HAVE YOU GONE INSANE?

-WELL... -[clears throat]

THAT WAS, UM, DIFFERENT.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT'S GOING ON HERE,

BUT IF THIS IS SOME KIND OF HARDBALL TACTIC,

YOU BETTER KNOW WHAT YOU'RE DOING.

MITCHELL, WE NEED TO TALK!

SORRY, I, UH... I...

GET BACK HERE!

OH, MY GOD.

TIME TO FIRE UP THOSE NUMERATORS AND DENOMINATORS, BOYS AND GIRLS.

ALL RIGHT, THIS WAS ALL IN CHAPTER 10 OF YOUR TEXTBOOK,

SO IT WILL BE OBVIOUS TO ME WHO HAS BEEN STUDYING AND WHO HASN'T.

♪ NAOMI AND ROBBIE SITTING IN A TREE ♪

♪ F-A-R-T-I-N-G

[makes fart sound]

ENOUGH, FRANCIS.

IF YOU'RE TRYING TO BREAK THE RECORD FOR THE MOST TIMES YOU CAN GET SENT TO THE OFFICE,

KEEP IT UP.

NO PASSING NOTES, ROBBIE.

BUT... BUT I DIDN'T.

IT JUST ENDED UP ON MY DESK.

IN FACT, I DEFY YOU TO FIND A SINGLE STUDENT IN THIS CLASSROOM

WHO CAN WRITE A TESTIMONY WHO ACTUALLY EVER SAW ME ACCEPTING THAT PIECE OF PAPER.

NEVER MIND.

YOU'RE MAX, RIGHT?

YES, ROBBIE. NICE TO MEET YOU TOO.

WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU TODAY?

OKAY, CLASS, YOU'VE GOT 20 MINUTES.

MRS. BREWER IS GOING TO TAKE A NICE, LITTLE, 20-MINUTE VACATION.

[classical music playing over headphones]

[clears throat]

NO, ROBBIE, YOU CAN'T USE YOUR TEXTBOOK FOR THE TEST.

UH... UM...

I'M DONE.

WHAT?

ROBBIE, YOU CAN'T JUST CHECK THE FIRST ANSWER YOU SEE AND TURN IT IN.

WELL, THAT ONE IS RIGHT.

THAT ONE.

THAT ONE.

THAT ONE.

THEY'RE ALL RIGHT.

DID YOU JUST WAKE UP THIS MORNING

AND DECIDE YOU'RE NOT LONGER A C-MINUS STUDENT IN MATH, ROBBIE?

♪ JINGLE BELLS JINGLE BELLS JINGLE ALL THE WAY ♪

YOU'RE DOING A VERY GOOD JOB.

♪ OH, WHAT FUN IT IS TO RIDE IN A ONE-HORSE OPEN SLEIGH ♪

HEY! ♪ JINGLE BELLS...

CHECK IT OUT.

WHAT IS THIS?

Max: IT'S FRANCIS AND HIS BIG, FAT, STUPID FACE.

SEE? IT'S LIKE GODZILLA STOMPING ALL OVER TOKYO, ONLY IN A DIAPER.

ISN'T THAT KIND OF MEAN?

MEAN?

I MEAN, WHEN HE TOOK YOUR MILK MONEY LAST WEEKEND

AND MELVINED YOU IN FRONT OF THE WHOLE SCHOOL, THAT WAS MEAN.

WHEN HE TRASHED YOUR SOLAR SYSTEM

AND TRIED TO MAKE YOU EAT JUPITER, THAT WAS MEAN.

I HEARD HE COULD LIFT UP THREE FIRST-GRADERS AT ONCE.

YEAH, I ALSO HEARD THAT HE GOT ARRESTED ONE TIME.

LIKE, IT TOOK ABOUT 10 COPS TO HOLD HIM DOWN.

HE'S 11.

YEAH, SO ARE YOU, EINSTEIN.

WHAT'S THIS, LOSERS?

YOU LITTLE RUNT!

OKAY, FRANCIS, CALM DOWN. IT'S JUST A DRAWING.

I'M GONNA MAKE YOU EAT THIS, YOU LITTLE DISEASE.

OKAY, FRANCIS, FUN'S OVER. LET ME GO.

I HURT YOUR FEELINGS. EVERYBODY IS SORRY. NO HARM, NO FOUL.

NO, LOTS OF HARM, LOTS OF FOUL.

WHAT ARE YOU REALLY MAD ABOUT, FRANCIS?

IS IT REALLY THIS PICTURE?

JUST BECAUSE WE'RE NOT LIKE OTHER PEOPLE,

[stammering] WE MIGHT NOT HAVE AS MANY FRIENDS,

OR WE'RE SELF-CONSCIOUS ABOUT CERTAIN THINGS,

DOES NOT MEAN WE HAVE TO ACT OUT IN ANGER.

SO TELL ME, FRANCIS,

WHO DO YOU REALLY WANNA HIT?

♪ JINGLE BELLS JINGLE BELLS JINGLE ALL THE WAY ♪

♪ OH, WHAT FUN IT IS TO RIDE IN A ONE-HORSE OPEN SLEIGH ♪ HEY!

NEXT TIME YOU ASK HIM WHO HE REALLY WANTS TO HIT,

MIGHT JUST HAVE A SUGGESTION HANDY, ROBBIE.

♪ OH, WHAT FUN IT IS TO...

[whistling]

Robbie: HEY, GUYS.

SORRY, MR. TAYLOR. IT KIND OF GOT AWAY FROM US.

NO PROBLEM.

WOW! I DIDN'T KNOW YOU PLAYED SOCCER, MR. TAYLOR.

NOT TOO SHABBY, HUH?

-HOW YOU GUYS DOING? -GOOD.

-Robbie: HE JUKES A DEFENDER. -[children shrieking playfully]

Robbie: HERE WE GO.

[child shrieks]

Robbie: JUKES ANOTHER DEFENDER.

AH, GREAT.

JUKES A DEFENDER.

OOH, STOLE IT AWAY.

Robbie: ONE MAN TO BEAT.

ONE MAN TO BEAT!

[cheering]

[exclaims]

[laughing]

AHEM.

Robbie: DAD!

I MEAN... HI, ROBBIE.

I THINK IT'S TIME FOR YOU TO HELP ME WITH MY HOMEWORK, DAD.

OKAY.

WHAT HAPPENED TO MY FACE?

NEVER MIND THAT.

WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING? WE'RE SUPPOSED TO LAY LOW.

DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH THAT SUIT COST?

IT'S RALPH LAUREN.

RALPH LAUREN? WHAT? DID YOU BORROW SOMEBODY'S SUIT?

[sighs] NO. NEVER MIND.

WHAT HAPPENED AT THE DEPOSITION?

NOTHING.

ROBBIE, WHAT DO YOU MEAN BY "NOTHING"?

WHAT HAPPENED?

DAD, THEY JUST GOT UP AND WALKED OUT, OKAY?

WE TOTALLY WON.

WE WHAT?

IT WASN'T THAT BAD, DAD.

OH, IT WASN'T SO BAD?

IT WASN'T SO BAD? HERE. LISTEN TO THIS.

Harper: Taylor, have you gone insane?

I just spend the last half-hour having to assure Milton Green

that you weren't some crazy person

that just wandered in off the street.

WOULD YOU LIKE ME TO CONTINUE?

Harper: If you think acting like a lunatic and blowing the Green contract

is the way to make partner at this firm, Mitchell,

you are sorely mistaken.

A juice box, Mitchell? A juice box?

OKAY, OKAY. SO, MAYBE IT WAS A LITTLE BAD.

[knocking at door]

[sighs] GREAT.

[whispers] IT'S CHLOE.

[whispers] GREAT. JUST WHAT I NEED.

WELL, MAYBE SHE'LL GO AWAY.

SHE HAS A KEY, YOU KNOW.

A KEY? SINCE WHEN?

OH, MAN! I CAN'T EVEN HAVE A DOG,

AND YOU'VE GOT A WHOLE PERSON MOVING IN.

ROBBIE, THIS IS NOT THE TIME.

JUST GO TO THE KITCHEN.

DAD.

[sighs] HE'LL APPRECIATE ME SOMEDAY.

OH, HEY, HEY, HEY THERE, CHLOE.

HI, ROBBIE. HOW ARE YOU?

UH, IT'S... IT'S A VERY LONG STORY.

IS YOUR DAD HERE?

UH, NO. NO. NO, HE'S NOT.

UH, WELL, I SAW HIS CAR OUT FRONT,

SO I'M PRETTY SURE HE WOULDN'T LEAVE YOU HERE BY YOURSELF, ROBBIE.

OH, NO. I MEANT HE'S SICK.

HE'S VERY... HE'S VERY CONTAGIOUS.

ROBBIE, I'M NOT TRYING TO TAKE YOUR DAD AWAY FROM YOU,

AND I'M NOT TRYING TO REPLACE YOUR MOM.

I JUST WANNA BE YOUR FRIEND, SO HOW ABOUT WE START THERE, OKAY?

UH, ALL RIGHT. ALL RIGHT. NO, CHLOE. CHLOE... NO, NO, HE'S VERY SICK.

THAT'S... [sighs] HE'S TERRIBLY SICK. YOU DON'T WANNA...

-MITCH. -CHLOE. HI.

HI. I HEARD WHAT HAPPENED. I WANTED TO COME OVER AND MAKE SURE YOU WERE OKAY.

THANKS. I'M MUCH, MUCH BETTER NOW. THANKS.

THE WHOLE OFFICE IS TALKING ABOUT IT.

THEY SAID YOU HAD SOME KIND OF MELTDOWN.

WELL, I DON'T KNOW ABOUT THAT. I... OH!

I'LL GET IT.

I JUST... I HAD THIS, UH...

THIS, YOU KNOW, EPISODE WITH, UH...

UH, SHRIMP.

-SHRIMP? -YEAH.

YOU KNOW, BAD SHRIMP. BAD SHRIMP. BAD NEWS.

WHOO! YOU DON'T WANNA GO ANYWHERE NEAR THAT BATHROOM.

IT'S A WAR ZONE.

ARE YOU OKAY?

I WAS SO WORRIED. HARPER MADE IT SOUND LIKE YOU DROPPED YOUR PANTS

AND SANG "THE BATTLE HYMN OF THE REPUBLIC" OR SOMETHING.

OH, NO, NO, NO, NO. IT WAS NEVER THAT BAD.

I'M FEELING MUCH BETTER NOW.

IN FACT, WE WERE JUST ON OUR WAY OUT TO, UH...

GO TO CHURCH.

CHURCH?

YEAH, CHURCH. I'M SORRY.

SLEEP. SLEEP. YOU KNOW, THIS WHOLE SHRIMP THING HAS BEEN A LITTLE TAXING,

AND, UM, I'M JUST REAL TIRED NOW, SO I'M GONNA TAKE A NAP.

YOU KNOW WHAT? I THINK I'M GONNA STAY, BECAUSE YOU SEEM A LITTLE OUT OF IT.

NO, NO, NO, NO, CHLOE.

IT'S REALLY... I'M JUST REAL TIRED.

AND, UM, YOU SHOULD GO, OKAY?

-COME ON. -UH, OKAY. I MEAN...

OKAY, MITCH, IF YOU'RE SURE.

COMPLETELY.

PROMISE YOU'LL CALL ME IF YOU NEED ANYTHING.

I WILL. PROMISE.

PINKY SWEAR.

LOOK, MITCH, THE GREEN CONTRACT IS A LOT OF WORK.

PLUS EVERYTHING ELSE YOU'RE TAKING ON,

THE PARTY, NOT TO MENTION CHRISTMAS, ROBBIE.

IT'S OKAY TO ASK FOR HELP, YOU KNOW.

[sighs]

BYE, ROBBIE! MERRY CHRISTMAS!

UGH. THAT WAS...

THAT WAS WEIRD.

[sighs] YOU HAVE NO IDEA.

[male electronic voice] Your Christmas wish is my command.

-THE BEAR! -WHOA!

IT'S WORKING AGAIN.

WHAT DO WE DO?

OH, SWITCH US BACK, BEAR. PLEASE. PRETTY PLEASE.

DID IT WORK?

ARE YOU STILL ME?

AM I STILL YOU?

[knocking on door]

WHO IS THAT?

I DON'T KNOW.

-Man: MR. TAYLOR? -[knocking on door]

MITCH TAYLOR?

OH, I SEE.

Mitch: EXCUSE ME. CAN I HELP YOU?

INTERESTING PLACE FOR A CHRISTMAS TREE.

ON TOP OF YOUR CAR.

[laughing] A LOT OF TIMES, THEY'LL HAVE THEM IN THE LIVING ROOM,

AND THEY'LL HAVE LIGHTS ON THEM AND MAYBE A LITTLE TINSEL.

YEAH, WELL, WE'VE BEEN A LITTLE BUSY.

I'LL SAY.

OH, I UNDERSTAND.

LOOK, WHO ARE YOU?

I'M GUS.

Mitch: YEAH, BUT...

I'M THE GUY YOU CALLED TO FIX YOUR BEAR.

-YOU CAN FIX IT? -WELL, THESE TOOLS HAVEN'T LET ME DOWN YET.

WHERE DID THAT THING EVEN COME FROM?

WHERE DO ALL TOYS LIKE THIS COME FROM?

THE TOY STORE.

LOOK, THIS IS GONNA SOUND REAL CRAZY, BUT...

YOU KNOW, SOMETIMES WHEN YOU ORDER THESE THINGS, IN SHIPPING, THINGS BREAK LOOSE.

WE DIDN'T ORDER THAT.

ARE YOU SURE ABOUT THAT?

[scoffs] OH, YEAH. I'M SURE.

YEAH, YEAH, YEAH. SHIPPING, IT'S ALWAYS COMPLICATED.

YOU KNOW, LAST MONTH, WE HAD A ROCKING HORSE,

IT WAS SUPPOSED TO GO TO OTTUMWA, IOWA.

ENDED UP IN NOME, ALASKA.

PEOPLE MAKE MISTAKES.

A MISTAKE? DO YOU KNOW WHAT THAT BEAR HAS PUT US THROUGH?

THERE IT IS.

WOW.

A BRONZE SPROCKET.

IT'S ALWAYS THE SPROCKET. [laughs]

I'LL TELL YOU, IF YOU DON'T CHANGE THESE EVERY 100 YEARS OR SO,

EVERYTHING GOES HAYWIRE.

100 YEARS? WHOA.

THEY DON'T MAKE 'EM LIKE THEY USED TO, DO THEY?

CAN YOU REPLACE IT?

WELL, I CAN ORDER YOU A NEW ONE. IT'LL TAKE A COUPLE OF DAYS.

-UH! A COUPLE OF DAYS. -[sighs]

OR I COULD TAKE THE BEAR WITH ME AND FIX IT IN MY SHOP.

-NO, NO, NO, NO. -NO, NO, NO, NO.

KEEP IT HERE. ONCE YOU HAVE THE PART, COME BACK.

SUIT YOURSELF.

LOOK, WHO ARE YOU REALLY?

I'M GUS.

HEY, DON'T WORRY, YOU TWO.

AS SOON AS THE PART COMES IN, I'LL HAVE YOUR BEAR ALL FIXED UP AS GOOD AS NEW.

[sighs]

[sighs] GREAT.

TWO MORE DAYS.

COULD BE WORSE.

UH, HOW EXACTLY?

WHAT DID YOU DO TO MY FACE?

YOUR BEARD WAS GROWING, SO I THOUGHT I SHOULD SHAVE.

[sighs] ROBBIE, I HAVE TO LIVE WITH THAT FACE WHEN THIS IS ALL OVER.

[inhales sharply] OOH.

I HAVE TO GO.

TOUCHDOWN! OH!

[imitating crowd cheering]

YOU KNOW, DAD, YOU SHOULD TOTALLY BLOW OFF SCHOOL.

I MEAN, IT'S HARD ENOUGH ON ME, AND I'M JUST A KID.

WOW.

I REALLY AM BLIND.

ROBBIE, YOU'RE NOT BLOWING OFF SCHOOL

THE PAGEANT IS IN TWO DAYS.

UGH.

THE PAGEANT.

ROBBIE, YOU MADE A COMMITMENT.

YOU'RE NOT JUST GONNA BLOW IT OFF.

ANYWAY, IF YOU MISS ANY MORE SCHOOL, YOU'RE GONNA GET HELD BACK.

MAYBE WHEN YOU'RE GROWN-UP, YOU'LL UNDERSTAND.

I DON'T THINK I COULD BE ANY MORE GROWN-UP THAN THIS.

I WANT YOUR WORD, ROBBIE.

YOU WILL NOT LEAVE THIS HOUSE FOR ANY REASON.

OKAY. I PROMISE.

ALL RIGHT, WELL,

THERE IS A FRIDGE FULL OF FOOD, A DRAWER FULL OF DVDS,

AND I EMAILED HARPER, SAID I WAS GONNA "DECOMPRESS" FOR A FEW DAYS.

WITH ANY LUCK, WILL BE BACK TO EACH OTHER'S BODIES IN NO TIME.

COOL.

HEY, YOUR WORD, ROBBIE.

YOU'LL STAY HERE.

TOTALLY. MY BUTT WILL BE GLUED TO THIS COUCH.

BYE, DAD.

[dogs barking]

-AMELIA, WAIT. -HEY, ROBBIE.

SORRY. I CAN'T LET YOU PLAY WITH THE DOGS TODAY.

I'VE STILL GOT A BULLDOG AND A SHORT-HAIRED POINTER TO PICK UP, AND I'M TOTALLY LATE.

UH, IT'S NOT THAT ACTUALLY.

IT'S MITCH. ME... MY DAD. I MEAN, I NEED A FAVOR.

I DON'T KNOW, ROBBIE. I'M KIND OF BUSY.

I NEED YOU TO WATCH HIM.

WHO? YOUR DAD?

YEAH. HE, UH... HE SLIPPED IN THE SHOWER LAST NIGHT,

AND HE HIT HIS HEAD, AND HE HAS A CONCUSSION, AND HE'S NOT EXACTLY HIMSELF.

THE DOCTOR SAID HE NEEDS TO STAY HOME,

BUT THERE NEEDS TO BE SOMEONE WITH HIM.

ROBBIE, I'M A DOG WALKER, NOT A BABYSITTER.

ANYWAY, YOU'RE DAD IS, LIKE, YOU KNOW, A GROWN-UP.

I'LL PAY YOU $50.

ROBBIE, WHERE ARE YOU GONNA GET $50?

$100 THEN.

OKAY. DEAL.

BUT WHATEVER YOU DO, PLEASE DO NOT LET HIM OUT OF THE HOUSE, OKAY?

-BUT, ROBBIE... -AND DON'T TELL ANYONE ABOUT THIS.

[rock music playing]

♪ JINGLE BELLS JINGLE BELLS JINGLE ALL THE WAY ♪

♪ OH, WHAT FUN IT IS TO RIDE IN A ONE-HORSE OPEN SLEIGH ♪

YEAH!

♪ SNOW IN A ONE-HORSE OPEN SLEIGH ♪

♪ O'ER THE FIELDS WE GO LAUGHING ALL THE WAY ♪

♪ BELLS ON BOBTAIL RING MAKING SPIRITS BRIGHT ♪

♪ WHAT FUN IT IS TO RIDE AND SING ♪

♪ A SLEIGHING SONG TONIGHT ♪

♪ OH, JINGLE BELLS JINGLE BELLS JINGLE ALL THE WAY ♪

♪ OH, WHAT FUN IT IS TO RIDE ♪

♪ IN A ONE-HORSE OPEN SLEIGH HEY!

♪ JINGLE BELLS JINGLE BELLS JINGLE ALL THE WAY ♪

♪ OH, WHAT FUN IT IS TO RIDE ♪

♪ IN A ONE-HORSE OPEN SLEIGH

-[fire alarm beeping] -WHOA! WHOA!

[telephone ringing]

HELLO?

MR. TAYLOR, THANK GOD YOU ANSWERED.

TRUDY?

YOU HAVE GOT TO COME IN, MR. TAYLOR. IT'S A DISASTER.

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

THE HOLIDAY PARTY. THE CATERERS JUST CANCELED.

APPARENTLY, THEY HAD A PIPE BURST OR SOMETHING.

They're completely underwater, and they won't be dried out by tomorrow.

PLUS, THERE WAS A SNAFU WITH THE RENTAL COMPANY.

APPARENTLY, THEY ONLY HAVE FIVE TABLES ON THE BOOKS, NOT 50.

Which means even if we had food,

there'd be no place for anyone to eat it.

AND NOW, THIS ICE SCULPTOR GUY IS CALLING AND CANCELING,

SAYING HE WON'T SHOW UP UNLESS WE PAY HIM DOUBLE WHAT WE ORIGINALLY QUOTED HIM.

TRUDY, UH, I CAN'T.

Milton Green is going to be here.

YOU REMEMBER WHAT MS. SHAW SAID.

MR. TAYLOR, I CAN'T GET ANOTHER JOB.

I WAS BARELY QUALIFIED FOR THIS ONE.

DO YOU THINK SHE'LL FIRE HIM?

I MEAN US.

FIRE US?

AFTER WHAT HAPPENED AT THE DEPOSITION YESTERDAY,

I THINK WE'LL BE LUCKY IF THAT'S ALL SHE DID TO US.

I'LL BE RIGHT THERE.

[sighs] I LOVE YOU.

[engine starts]

[transmission crunching]

MR. TAYLOR?

"THE SOUND OF JINGLING SLEIGH BELLS

"HAS BROUGHT JOY TO MILLIONS OF CHILDREN ALL OVER THE WORLD.

"THIS HOLIDAY SEASON, WE COME TOGETHER TO CELEBRATE..."

[sighs]

YOU FEELING OKAY, ROBBIE?

EVERY RECESS, THE LAST FEW DAYS, I SEE YOU JUST SITTING HERE.

YEAH, I'M JUST PRACTICING FOR THE PAGEANT.

ARE YOU MISSING YOUR MOM, ROBBIE?

I'M OKAY, MRS. BREWER. THANKS.

SO THEN WHY ARE YOU SITTING HERE WASTING 10 PRECIOUS MINUTES OF FREEDOM?

YOU KNOW, SOMEDAY WHEN YOU GET OLDER,

YOU MIGHT REGRET THE TIME YOU COULD HAVE SPENT PLAYING AND HAVING FUN, BUT DIDN'T.

WHY NOT?

I GOT THIS! I GOT THIS, PEOPLE!

THIS IS AMAZING.

I CAN RUN AND RUN FOR HOURS. MY LEGS DON'T EVEN GET TIRED.

HEY, DO YOU NEED SOME HELP?

NO. NO. NO.

I'M GOOD.

I'M GOOD.

-IS SHE HERE? -SHE'S NOT COMING IN TODAY.

YES!

I'M SORRY TO DRAG YOU IN HERE LIKE THIS, MR. TAYLOR,

BUT THE CHRISTMAS PARTY IS TOMORROW,

AND WE ARE RUNNING OUT OF RABBITS TO PULL OUT OF OUR HAT HERE.

PARTY? OKAY, TOTALLY GOT THIS.

LIKE MY DAD ALWAYS KEEPS SAYING, ONCE YOU COMMIT TO SOMETHING, YOU JUST...

YOU GOTTA FINISH IT.

I THOUGHT YOUR DAD DIED 10 YEARS AGO.

YEAH.

I MEANT HE USED TO SAY.

HUH.

I HAVE A MILLION CALLS OUT.

I FOUND US ANOTHER VIOLINIST, BUT SHE'S EN ROUTE FROM CHICAGO,

SO WHO KNOWS IF SHE'LL MAKE IT IN TIME?

I ALSO FOUND ANOTHER ICE SCULPTOR,

BUT TECHNICALLY, HE'S BOOKED ON SOMETHING ELSE.

I THINK WE COULD PRY HIM LOOSE.

I DON'T GET IT. WHAT FUN IS THAT?

WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

WELL, LAST WEEKEND, I WAS AT JIMMY PIERSON'S BIRTHDAY PARTY,

AND THEY DIDN'T HAVE AN ICE SCULPTOR, OR A VIOLINIST,

OR, YOU KNOW, ANYTHING LIKE THAT.

I THINK, MR. TAYLOR, NOW MIGHT BE THE TIME

TO EXPRESS MY COMPLETE AND UTTER CONFUSION.

I GOT THIS, TRUDY.

OKAY. RIGHT.

CAN I GET YOU ANYTHING?

UH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH.

I NEED YOU TO GO ONLINE AND GET THE PHONE NUMBER FOR A PLACE CALLED THE PARTY PALACE.

PHONE NUMBER. PARTY PALACE. GOT IT.

YEAH, AND I NEED A CHOCOLATE MILK.

AND A GRILLED CHEESE, AND, UM, SOME DONUTS, AND SOME RED VINES.

RED VINES.

♪ DECK THE HALLS WITH BOUGHS OF HOLLY ♪

♪ FA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA ♪

OKAY, THE SETTING IS THE NORTH POLE.

THE TIME IS CHRISTMAS EVE.

THE ANIMALS IN SANTA'S FOREST HAVE SETTLED IN FOR A LONG WINTER'S NIGHT

AS THE SPOTLIGHT ON THE CHRISTMAS TREE BEGINS TO FADE.

I SAID FADE, ELLIOT, NOT CATCH IT ON FIRE.

[laughing]

NICE CATCH, LOSER.

THREE BUCKS.

I WAS LOOKING FORWARD TO ACTUALLY GETTING TO EAT LUNCH TODAY.

IT WAS SALISBURY STEAK.

I'VE HAD JUST ABOUT ENOUGH OF YOU, FRANCIS.

OH, REALLY, MOM?

LOOK, FRANCIS, WE ALL GET IT. NOBODY LIKES YOU.

YOU'RE ABOUT TWO SIZES TOO BIG, YOU GOT NO FRIENDS, YOU'RE STUPID,

AND YOU'RE ABOUT GOOD AND PISSED OFF AT THE WORLD

THAT YOUR PARENTS ARE GETTING A DIVORCE.

SOMEWHERE WAY DEEP DOWN INSIDE THAT LITTLE PEA BRAIN OF YOURS,

YOU'RE ACTUALLY THINKING THAT THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT.

SO YOU STOMP AROUND HERE LIKE BIGFOOT, AND STEAL KIDS' LUNCH MONEY,

GIVE THEM WEDGIES AND SWIRLIES, AND THROW BALLS AT THE BACK OF THEIR HEAD.

LOOK, THIS HAS BEEN THE WORST WEEK OF MY LIFE SO FAR.

SO I MIGHT AS WELL TOP IT OFF BY TRYING TO CRAM SOME ADVICE IN THAT FAT HEAD OF YOURS.

NOBODY WILL EVER LIKE YOU.

EVER.

I KNOW WHAT KIDS LIKE YOU TURN OUT TO BE.

THEY'RE CALLED LOSERS.

NO FRIENDS, NO FAMILY, NOBODY.

BECAUSE NOBODY CAN STAND TO BE AROUND YOU.

GOT IT?

[all cheering]

THAT WAS AWESOME. LIKE, YOU TOTALLY NUKED HIM.

I THOUGHT HE WAS GONNA PEE HIS PANTS OR SOMETHING.

[sighs]

[sniffles] GET OUT OF HERE, TAYLOR, UNLESS YOU WANNA LOSE SOME TEETH.

I COME IN PEACE.

WHY DON'T YOU JUST LEAVE ME ALONE?

I JUST WANTED TO SAY I'M SORRY.

YOU'RE APOLOGIZING TO ME?

LAST WEEK, I STUCK YOUR HEAD IN A TOILET.

WELL, YOU GOTTA ADMIT IT.

YOU KIND OF HAD THAT COMING IN THERE.

YEAH? SO WHAT?

DIVORCE SUCKS.

TRUST ME. I'VE SEEN IT.

WHAT DO YOU KNOW ABOUT IT? YOU'RE JUST A KID.

I KNOW WHAT IT'S LIKE TO NOT HAVE ONE OF MY PARENTS AROUND ANYMORE.

AT LEAST YOU HAVE FRIENDS.

YOU COULD TOO, YOU KNOW.

YEAH, RIGHT.

ALL RIGHT, I'M GONNA MAKE A DEAL WITH YOU.

YOU LEAVE THE SIXTH GRADE ALONE FROM NOW ON,

NO MORE WEDGIES, NO MORE TAKING LUNCH MONEY, NO MORE SWIRLIES, NOTHING.

YOU CAN HANG OUT WITH ME AND MY FRIENDS ANYTIME.

WHY ARE YOU BEING SO NICE TO ME ALL OF A SUDDEN?

SOMETHING MY DAD ALWAYS SAYS.

EVERY PROBLEM IS JUST AN OPPORTUNITY IN UGLY CLOTHES.

ARE YOU SAYING MY CLOTHES ARE UGLY?

COME ON.

SO, LEAVE THE SIXTH GRADE ALONE, HUH?

THAT'S THE DEAL.

WHAT ABOUT FIFTH-GRADERS?

ARE YOU ABSOLUTELY SURE ABOUT THIS, MR. TAYLOR?

BELIEVE ME.

THIS IS GONNA TOTALLY BLOW JIMMY PIERSON'S BIRTHDAY PARTY OUT OF THE WATER.

YOU'RE THE BOSS.

-CHLOE. -HEY. IT'S ONE O'CLOCK.

ONE O'CLOCK?

WHAT HAPPENS AT 1:00?

OUR GYM DATE. WE GO EVERY THURSDAY.

GYM DATE, RIGHT. RIGHT.

[whispering] ZIP UP YOUR FLY.

ZIP IT UP.

OH. [laughs]

[whistling]

[laughing]

SORRY ABOUT THAT.

NOT QUITE SURE WHAT'S GOING ON HERE TODAY.

I'VE NEVER SEEN YOU IN AN OUTFIT LIKE THIS.

[laughing]

DON'T WORRY. YOU LOOK CUTE.

-THANKS. -YOU'RE WELCOME.

YOU LOOK LIKE MY EIGHT-YEAR-OLD NEPHEW.

COME ON. LET'S GO.

EIGHT.

TRY 11.

HMM.

THERE'S SOMETHING I WANTED TO TALK TO YOU ABOUT.

[grunts]

ARE YOU ALL RIGHT?

I'M OKAY. YEAH, I'M OKAY.

I'M WORRIED, MITCH.

I'M, UH...

SURE THESE THINGS ARE PERFECTLY SAFE.

ABOUT YOU.

YOU HAVEN'T BEEN YOURSELF THE LAST FEW DAYS.

WHO, UH...

WHO HAVE I BEEN?

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN.

I JUST THINK YOU'RE PUSHING IT TOO HARD.

YOU KNOW, YOU'RE BURNING THE CANDLE AT BOTH ENDS.

NO, NO.

I'M FINE. TOTALLY.

WHAT IS IT WITH MEN?

YOU ACT LIKE ACCEPTING A LITTLE BIT OF HELP

IS SOME HORRIBLE SIGN OF WEAKNESS OR SOMETHING.

GOD! IT'S LIKE DR. PHIL SAYS...

DR. WHO?

HE HAS THIS THING CALLED RELATIONSHIP INVENTORY.

AND RIGHT THERE AT NUMBER FIVE,

IT SAYS, "DO YOU AND YOUR PARTNER SHARE EACH OTHER'S BURDENS?"

NEVER HEARD OF IT.

NUMBER THREE, "DOES YOUR PARTNER SHUT DOWN

"EVERY TIME YOU BRING UP YOUR RELATIONSHIP?"

LOOK, MITCH, I WANNA HELP.

I KNOW WE BOTH SAID IT WOULD BE BEST

IF IT WAS JUST YOU AND ROBBIE FOR CHRISTMAS.

AND I DON'T WANNA PUSH MYSELF ON HIM.

LIKE YOU SAID, IT'S NOT THE RIGHT TIME YET.

I JUST WANT YOU BOTH HAPPY.

[gulping]

AH!

SO YOU'RE REALLY GONNA JUST BE HOME ALL ALONE FOR CHRISTMAS?

[chuckles] I'M A BIG GIRL

JUST TO MAKE ME FEEL BETTER?

I MEAN... [laughs]

ROBBIE. MAKE ROBBIE FEEL BETTER?

THAT'S... THAT'S, UH...

THAT'S PRETTY COOL.

WELL, I'M PROBABLY DOING HIM A FAVOR, ANYWAY.

'CAUSE I'M NOT EXACTLY A NATURAL WITH KIDS.

MY SISTER HAD A BABY LAST YEAR,

AND MY MOM SAW ME HOLDING HIM AND SAID I LOOKED LIKE I WAS HANDLING...

[laughing] WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

I, UH...

I GOTTA...

[whispers] YOU GOTTA WHAT?

I GOTTA GO PEE.

OKAY, UM...

ANYWAY, I'M HERE IF YOU NEED ME.

OKAY? SO, IF YOU NEED HELP AT WORK, OR EVEN CHRISTMAS SHOPPING...

CHRISTMAS SHOPPING?

[rock music playing]

♪ DECK THE HALLS WITH BOUGHS OF HOLLY ♪

♪ FA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA ♪

♪ 'TIS THE SEASON TO BE JOLLY ♪

♪ FA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA ♪

♪ DON WE NOW OUR GAY APPAREL ♪

♪ FA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA ♪

♪ TROLL THE ANCIENT YULETIDE CAROL ♪

♪ FA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA ♪

I'LL HAVE THIS ONE, PLEASE.

OF COURSE, SIR.

OF COURSE.

OH! SCORE!

BLOW IT UP, BABY! BLOW IT UP!

[growling]

TRISH, TRISH, TRISH, LOOK.

HOT, WIDOWED DAD, TEN O'CLOCK.

OH, YEAH, BABY! GIVE IT UP. BLOW IT... [imitating explosion]

OH, MY GOD. HE MUST BE CHRISTMAS SHOPPING FOR ROBBIE.

THAT'S ADORABLE.

OH, IF HE WERE RAKING YOUR LAWN, YOU'D SAY IT WAS ADORABLE.

I'M GOING OVER THERE.

I THINK HE'S SEEING SOMEONE.

YEAH.

UNTIL HE'S STANDING IN FRONT OF A PRIEST, HE'S FAIR GAME.

[humming, whistling]

MITCH, HI.

SMALL WORLD.

YEAH.

MRS. KOZLOWSKI, HI.

NO NEED TO BE SO FORMAL. THE BOYS AREN'T HERE.

TRISH, PLEASE.

OKAY.

-YOU'VE BEEN DOING SOME CHRISTMAS SHOPPING, HUH? -MM-HMM.

LOOKS LIKE ROBBIE HAS BEEN A VERY GOOD BOY.

[laughs] I GUESS.

HOW ABOUT YOU?

NAUGHTY OR NICE?

UM...

YOU KNOW, I WAS THINKING.

YOU'VE GOT ROBBIE. I'VE GOT FRANCIS.

YOU'RE A SINGLE PARENT. I'M A SINGLE PARENT.

WE'VE GOT SO MUCH IN COMMON, WE SHOULD GET TO KNOW EACH OTHER.

YOU KNOW, JUST THE TWO OF US, SIT DOWN, HAVE A LONG TALK.

IS THAT WHAT WE'RE DOING NOW?

[exclaims]

I WAS THINKING, SOME PLACE A LITTLE QUIETER?

[exclaims] I KNOW. THIS PLACE IS COOL, RIGHT?

I FEEL SORRY FOR YOU.

I MEAN, YOU AND ROBBIE.

IT MUST GET LONELY, JUST THE TWO OF YOU.

SOMETIMES.

I KNOW WHAT YOU NEED.

YOU DO?

YOU NEED SOMEONE TO TAKE CHARGE.

I DO?

SOMEONE TO TAKE CARE OF YOU.

MRS. KOZLOWSKI.

I'M SORRY IF THAT WAS...

-YOU KISSED ME. -A LITTLE FORWARD.

I'VE ALWAYS BEEN A GIRL WHO BELIEVES IN GOING AFTER WHAT SHE WANTS.

YOU PUT YOUR TONGUE IN MY MOUTH. IT WAS LIKE...

IT FELT LIKE A SLUG OR SOMETHING.

UGH.

[Chloe scoffs]

OH, I GOTTA GO.

CHLOE!

CHLOE, WAIT. I CAN EXPLAIN.

[scoffs] YOU'RE A VERY GOOD LAWYER. I'M SURE YOU CAN.

CHLOE, WILL YOU PLEASE JUST STOP, OKAY?

[stammering] I DON'T EVEN KNOW HER.

SHE'S JUST SOME MOM FROM MY SCHOOL.

-YOUR SCHOOL? -YES.

I MEAN, NO. NO. ROBBIE'S SCHOOL.

I DIDN'T KNOW SHE WAS GONNA DO THAT. I SWEAR.

SHE JUST DID THIS THING WITH HER TONGUE.

IT WAS GROSS.

YOU'RE GOOD, COUNSEL, PLAYING THE VICTIM.

YOU'RE JUST SITTING THERE, MINDING YOUR OWN BUSINESS,

AND SOME STRANGE GIRL CAME UP AND SHOVED HER TONGUE DOWN YOUR THROAT?

-YES. YES, THAT'S EXACTLY... -OH, PLEASE.

NO, NO, NO, PLEASE. I CAN'T SCREW THIS UP TOO.

YOU'RE RIGHT. I JUST... I HAVEN'T BEEN MYSELF LATELY, OKAY?

OH, DON'T TELL ME YOU'RE GONNA THROW SOME MID-LIFE CRISIS GARBAGE AT ME, ARE YOU?

I'M NOT SURE WHAT THAT IS.

STOP PLAYING DUMB.

IT INSULTS BOTH OF US, OKAY?

I THOUGHT YOU WERE READY FOR A RELATIONSHIP,

AND CLEARLY, YOU'RE NOT. AND IT'S FINE, MITCH.

OKAY? SO, GOODBYE.

CHLOE, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO SAY.

SAY GOODBYE.

THIS IS HARD FOR ME TOO.

IF I WERE A KID, I'D KNOW WHAT TO SAY.

IF I WERE ROBBIE, I WOULD JUST SAY IT THE WAY KIDS SAY STUFF.

IT'S SO MUCH EASIER FOR THEM. IT JUST... IT JUST COMES OUT.

AND I'D SAY

THAT MY DAD...

REALLY, REALLY LIKES YOU A LOT.

HE REALLY DOES.

AND YOU'RE MUCH NICER THAN I THOUGHT YOU WERE GONNA BE.

AND YOU'RE REALLY PRETTY.

AND I'M SO...

AND I'M SO, SO SORRY IF I WASN'T NICE TO YOU.

IT'S PROBABLY 'CAUSE I'M SCARED.

PROBABLY 'CAUSE I'M SCARED I'M GONNA LOSE MY DAD, TOO.

MITCH.

BUT MOSTLY 'CAUSE I JUST... I JUST...

REALLY MISS MY MOM, TOO, ALL THE TIME.

AND SOMETIMES WHEN I...

SOMETIMES WHEN I CLOSE MY EYES AT NIGHT, I...

I CAN'T EVEN REMEMBER WHAT SHE LOOKS LIKE ANYMORE.

MITCH, I'M SORRY. I HAD NO IDEA.

MITCH, WAIT.

[telephone ringing]

Mitch: ROBBIE!

-ROBBIE! -[telephone ringing]

I'M GONNA KILL THAT KID.

[telephone ringing]

-[voice mail beeps] -Mitch, it's Chloe.

Please give me a call.

I was worried when you just ran off like that.

I've never seen you that upset.

Everything you were saying about Robbie's mom and...

-Please just call me when you get this. -[voice mail beeps]

-[Robbie crying] -OH, NO.

[crying]

ROBBIE?

HEY, BUDDY.

YOU DOING OKAY?

I'M SORRY, DAD.

I KNOW YOU TOLD ME NOT TO GO ANYWHERE.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING UNDER THERE?

[crying] I MISS MOM.

I KNOW, PAL.

I MISS HER TOO.

IT'S NOT FAIR.

[sighs] I KNOW. I KNOW, KIDDO.

THAT WAS JUST THE HAND THAT WE WERE DEALT.

HEY, UH, AT LEAST WE STILL GOT EACH OTHER, RIGHT?

Robbie: SHE DIDN'T GET A CHANCE TO...

ENJOY THIS PLACE FOR VERY LONG.

ROBBIE, THE BAKERY WAS HER DREAM.

SHE WAS REALLY HAPPY.

HOW ABOUT YOU, DAD?

ROBBIE, MY DREAM WAS TO BE YOUR FATHER.

THERE'S NOTHING MORE I COULD HAVE EVER ASKED FOR.

THANKS, DAD.

SORRY I TOOK THE CAR.

WE'LL TALK ABOUT IT LATER.

AND YOUR CREDIT CARD.

[stammering] MY CREDIT CARD?

I KEPT ALL YOUR RECEIPTS.

I LOVE YOU, DAD.

LOVE YOU TOO, ROBBIE.

[crying]

-HEY. -HEY.

-FEELING BETTER TODAY? -YEAH.

THANKS FOR LETTING ME SLEEP IN YOUR BED.

NO PROBLEM.

-GONNA BE GOOD HERE? -YEAH.

DAD, DON'T YOU THINK I SHOULD GO TO THAT PARTY FOR YOU?

IT SOUNDS REAL IMPORTANT.

NO, NO, NO, NO, NO.

IT'S NOT WORTH THE RISK, ROBBIE.

WHATEVER HAPPENS WITH HARPER, HAPPENS. DON'T WORRY.

HEY, THIS WILL ALL BE OVER SOON.

WE SHOULD BE HEARING FROM THE REPAIRMAN SOMETIME TODAY.

THIS WHOLE THING WILL BE A MEMORY BEFORE YOU KNOW IT.

I CAN'T WAIT.

DAD, YOU REALLY LIKE CHLOE, DON'T YOU?

YEAH. SHE'S PRETTY GREAT.

I KNEW IT. YOU CAN TELL.

I GOTTA GO.

I WILL SEE YOU AFTER THE PAGEANT.

I TOLD MAX'S MOM THAT YOU HAD THE FLU, SO SHE OFFERED ME A RIDE.

COOL.

DAD?

WHAT'S IT LIKE TO BE ME?

IT'S PRETTY COOL, KIDDO.

PRETTY COOL.

-TRUDY. -MR. TAYLOR.

-ALL SET? -ALL SET.

I CAN'T WAIT TO SEE IT.

I HOPE YOU KNOW WHAT YOU'RE DOING, MR. TAYLOR.

-ARE YOU OKAY? -FINE.

I MEAN, UNEMPLOYMENT ISN'T THAT BAD, RIGHT?

IT GIVES ME PLENTY OF TIME TO PICK UP MACRAME.

STOP WORRYING. THIS PARTY IS GONNA BE AWESOME.

I HAVE A FEELING MS. SHAW'S DEFINITION OF AWESOME IS SLIGHTLY DIFFERENT THAN YOURS.

OH, MY GOD.

PRETTY AWESOME.

HO! HO! HO!

IT'S COOL, HUH?

IT'S LIKE BEING INSIDE OF A SNOW GLOBE.

EXACTLY.

AND CHECK THIS OUT.

RIGHT?

[gasps] SHE'S COMING, MR. TAYLOR.

IF YOU START RUNNING NOW, YOU MIGHT BE ABLE TO MAKE IT TO MEXICO.

TAYLOR!

MERRY CHRISTMAS.

HAVE YOU GONE COMPLETELY AND TOTALLY INSANE?

WHAT HAVE YOU DONE? WHAT HAPPENED TO THE DOM PERIGNON,

THE LITTLE, WARM CAMEMBERT TARTS,

OR THE STRING QUARTET PLAYING PRETENTIOUS CHRISTMAS MUSIC

THAT ABSOLUTELY NO ONE HAS EVER HEARD OF?

SEEMED BORING.

[scoffs] SO YOU REPLACED THEM WITH A BOUNCY CASTLE AND A MALL SANTA?

HELLO, MA'AM. WOULD YOU CARE FOR SOME HOT CHOCOLATE EGGNOG?

THESE GLASSES HAVE ANTLERS, MITCHELL!

IT'S A CHRISTMAS PARTY.

FOR SIX-YEAR-OLDS?

STOP IT. STOP IT.

I DID NOT MAKE PARTNER AT 33

JUST TO HAVE SOME LUNATIC FLUSH IT DOWN THE TOILET! DO YOU HEAR ME?

YES, MA'AM.

EIGHT MILLION DOLLARS A YEAR,

THAT IS WHAT THE MILTON GREEN CONTRACT REPRESENTS TO THIS FIRM.

I MEAN, MAYBE WE COULD... WE COULD STOP GREEN BEFORE HE GETS HERE.

YEAH, WE CAN... WE CAN TELL HIM THERE'S A FIRE.

SOMEBODY GET ME SOME MATCHES, A LIGHTER, ANYTHING.

I AM GONNA BURN THIS PLACE DOWN! DO YOU HEAR ME?

YOU ARE FINISHED.

YOU WON'T BE ABLE TO FIND A JOB WORKING NIGHT COURT IN POMONA BY THE TIME I AM THROUGH WITH YOU.

YOU HAVE HUMILIATED THIS ENTIRE FIRM!

SO, PACK UP YOUR OFFICE, TAYLOR,

'CAUSE FIRST THING MONDAY MORNING WHEN THE PARTNERS MEET,

-YOU WILL BE OUT OF HERE! -[speaking French]

OH, MY GOSH! CAN YOU SPEAK ENGLISH?

MS. SHAW?

AH! MR. GREEN.

I KNOW THIS MAY SEEM A BIT UNUSUAL, BUT I CAN EXPLAIN EVERYTHING.

YOU SEE, MITCHELL SUFFERED A MASSIVE HEAD INJURY RECENTLY.

SO THIS PARTY IS ALL YOUR DOING?

COMPLETELY, MR. GREEN.

AND REST ASSURED, WE WILL HAVE THIS WHOLE SITUATION HANDLED.

SEE THE BOY THERE IN THE CASTLE?

-THIS IS AWESOME. -RIGHT, THE BOUNCY CASTLE.

WE ARE SO SORRY, MR. GREEN. WE WILL HAVE THAT REMOVED IMMEDIATELY.

THAT'S MY SON.

OH.

I JUST WANNA SAY... THANKS, TAYLOR.

I ONLY GET HIM ON WEEKENDS AND SOME HOLIDAYS.

AND NOT ALWAYS EASY BETWEEN US, I MUST ADMIT.

HE THOUGHT HE'D BE BORED STIFF TONIGHT.

LOOK AT HIM. [chuckles] HE IS HAVING THE TIME OF HIS LIFE.

COOL. COOL. UM...

YOU'RE WELCOME.

I'M IMPRESSED, SHAW.

AH.

HOW DID YOU KNOW I WAS GONNA BRING HIM WITH ME TONIGHT?

WELL, I DIDN'T...

WE DIDN'T HAVE ANY DOUBT

THAT A WONDERFUL FATHER LIKE YOU WOULD BRING HIS SON TO OUR LITTLE PARTY.

WE BELIEVE IN DOING OUR HOMEWORK HERE AT SHAW, COLLINS AND TATE.

LOOK, LET'S GET DUNNE AND COOPERSMITH BACK IN HERE.

LET'S GET THIS EASEMENT NONSENSE SETTLED.

WE'LL MOVE THIS THING FORWARD.

CONTRACT IS ALL YOURS, SHAW.

YOU, UH... YOU WON'T BE SORRY, MR. GREEN.

-OH. [chuckles] -AH.

NICE TOUCH. MERRY CHRISTMAS.

MERRY CHRISTMAS.

WELL...

NICE JOB, MITCHELL. LOOKS LIKE YOU PULLED IT OFF.

CARRY ON.

JEAN-CLAUDE. [speaking French]

[whispers] WHAT JUST HAPPENED?

I DON'T HAVE TO TAKE UP MACRAME.

MERRY CHRISTMAS, MR. TAYLOR.

-[giggles] -MERRY CHRISTMAS.

[cell phone ringing]

HELLO?

OOH! I'M COMING. I'M COMING. I'M RIGHT THERE.

I'M ON THE WAY.

CHLOE!

CAN WE TALK?

JUST... JUST A SEC.

YEAH.

I WAS JUST ABOUT TO GIVE UP ON YOU.

DID YOU GET IT, THE PART? CAN YOU FIX IT?

I DIDN'T KNOW IF IT WAS GONNA BE HERE IN TIME,

'CAUSE IT HAD TO TRAVEL HALFWAY ACROSS THE WORLD.

BUT I GOT IT.

[stammering] WHAT? DID YOU WORK SOME MAGIC OR SOMETHING?

SORT OF. AMAZON.

THERE YOU GO, SON. GOOD AS NEW.

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? IT'S STILL NOT WORKING.

PATIENCE, ROBBIE. PATIENCE.

PATIENCE? YOU SAID YOU WERE GONNA FIX IT.

HOW MUCH LONGER AM I GONNA BE STUCK LIKE THIS?

DON'T WORRY, SON.

I'VE BEEN DOING THIS A LONG TIME,

AND THERE'S ALWAYS A PLAN.

ALL RIGHT, WHEN YOU'RE DONE WITH THE BEAR, PUT HIM IN THIS BOX.

THEN PUT HIM OUT ON THE FRONT PORCH, AND SOMEONE'S GONNA PICK HIM UP.

YOU'RE GOING?

NO, NO, NO, PLEASE. YOU CAN'T... YOU CAN'T GO.

I'M SORRY. THIS IS MY BUSIEST TIME OF THE YEAR.

YOU KNOW, IT'S FUNNY.

WHEN YOUR DAD WAS A LITTLE BOY,

HE ASKED FOR A BEAR EXACTLY LIKE THIS.

BUT I BET HE DOESN'T EVEN REMEMBER.

WAIT A MINUTE.

ARE YOU...

HEY, TRUST ME.

THESE THINGS TEND TO FIND A WAY TO WORK THEMSELVES OUT.

COME ON, ROBBIE. IT'S CHRISTMAS.

HAVE A LITTLE FAITH.

THERE YOU GO.

[rock music playing]

♪ SILENT NIGHT HOLY NIGHT ♪

OKAY, AS SOON AS THE LIGHTS COME UP,

I'M GOING TO NEED ALL OF MY REINDEER FRONT AND CENTER.

ONE...

WAIT A MINUTE. WHERE'S PRANCER?

HAS ANYONE SEEN MY PRANCER?

CHRISTMAS IS COMING I WISH IT WERE HERE

THE VERY BEST TIME OF THE WHOLE OF THE YEAR

I'M COUNTING EACH DAY ON MY FINGERS AND THUMBS

[sighs]

FOR THE WEEKS THAT MUST PASS BEFORE SANTA CLAUS COMES

[sighs]

DISTINGUISHED LEADERSHIP AWARD, CALIFORNIA STATE BAR ASSOCIATION.

STANFORD LAW, THIRD IN MY CLASS.

MAN, I HOPE MY PARENTS DIDN'T BRING MY BROTHERS TO THIS.

I MEAN, THEY SEE ME LIKE THIS, THEY'LL CALL ME SNOWFLAKE TILL I'M 50.

♪ DECK THE HALLS WITH BOUGHS OF HOLLY ♪

♪ FA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA ♪

♪ 'TIS THE SEASON TO BE JOLLY

♪ FA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA ♪

♪ WE WISH YOU A MERRY CHRISTMAS ♪

♪ WE WISH YOU A MERRY CHRISTMAS ♪

♪ WE WISH YOU A MERRY CHRISTMAS AND A HAPPY NEW YEAR ♪

♪ GOOD TIDINGS TO YOU AND ALL OF YOUR KIN ♪

♪ GOOD TIDINGS FOR CHRISTMAS AND A HAPPY NEW YEAR ♪

[crowd applauding]

OKAY, ROBBIE, YOU'RE UP, HONEY.

[male electronic voice] Your Christmas wish is my command.

[applause]

Mrs. Brewer: ROBBIE.

YOUR LINES, ROBBIE.

DAD!

SON.

OH, SON.

MY GOODNESS.

[stammering] AM I ME?

[stammering] ARE YOU REALLY YOU?

IT'S ME.

AND I PROMISE THIS TIME AROUND, I WILL NEVER, EVER BE TOO BUSY FOR YOU AGAIN.

AW, HE'S SUCH A GOOD FATHER. IT'S ADORABLE.

SHUT UP, DIANE.

WE'RE BACK.

[sighs]

-[vehicle approaches] -[horn beeps]

Radio Announcer: That's right, boys and girls, it's Christmas Day

here at HOLY 106.3,

which means it's never too early

to start planning that trip to the mall

to exchange that Chia Pet you just opened

for something you really wanted.

MERRY CHRISTMAS, DAD.

THANKS, KIDDO.

IT'S SURE GONNA BE A MERRY CHRISTMAS FOR MY CREDIT CARD COMPANY.

THAT TOOK ALL OF, WHAT, TWO SECONDS?

WHAT DO YOU SAY, KIDDO?

AFTER BREAKFAST, WE HEAD OVER TO THE PARK AND CHECK OUT YOUR NEW SCOOTER?

I DON'T KNOW. MIGHT BE A LITTLE BUSY.

I CAN SEE THAT.

[knocking on door]

OKAY. MERRY CHRISTMAS, SON.

CHLOE, HI.

HERE I AM.

WHAT ARE YOU, UH...

OH, GOD, PLEASE DON'T TELL ME YOU CHANGED YOUR MIND

ABOUT ME SPENDING CHRISTMAS WITH YOU AND ROBBIE.

I KNOW THIS IS A BIG STEP FOR US.

NO, NO. PLEASE, COME IN.

HERE. IT'S THAT THING YOU ASKED ME TO GET.

THAT THING I ASKED YOU TO GET?

YEAH, THE OTHER NIGHT, OUTSIDE THE PARTY.

WOW. THANKS, CHLOE.

[gasps] A PUPPY!

OH, MY GOODNESS! COME HERE, BUDDY.

-AW. -HI.

HI, BUDDY.

LOOK AT YOUR NEW FAMILY.

I THINK I'LL CALL HIM CHEWIE.

ARE YOU SURE ROBBIE'S OKAY WITH ME BEING HERE?

YOU SEEMED SO CONVINCED THE OTHER NIGHT THAT WAS WHAT HE WANTED.

YEAH, I THINK HE'LL BE FINE.

ARE YOU OKAY?

YOU HAVEN'T BEEN YOURSELF LATELY.

UH, YOU CAN SAY THAT AGAIN.

HEY.

[cell phone vibrating]

-SORRY. -THAT'S OKAY.

HEY, HON.

[rock music playing]

♪ DECK THE HALLS WITH BOUGHS OF HOLLY ♪

♪ FA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA ♪

♪ 'TIS THE SEASON TO BE JOLLY ♪

♪ FA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA ♪

♪ DON WE NOW OUR GAY APPAREL ♪

♪ FA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA ♪

♪ TROLL THE ANCIENT YULETIDE CAROL ♪

♪ FA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA ♪

♪ SEE THE BLAZING YULE BEFORE US ♪

♪ FA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA ♪

♪ STRIKE THE HARP AND JOIN THE CHORUS ♪

♪ FA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA ♪

♪ FOLLOW ME IN MERRY MEASURE ♪

♪ FA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA ♪

♪ WHILE I TELL OF YULETIDE TREASURE ♪

♪ FA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA ♪

♪ DON WE NOW OUR GAY APPAREL ♪

♪ FA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA ♪

♪ TROLL THE ANCIENT YULETIDE CAROL ♪

♪ FA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA ♪

♪ FA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA ♪

♪ FA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA ♪

[piano playing softly]

♪ SHOULD OLD ACQUAINTANCE BE FORGOT ♪

♪ AND NEVER BROUGHT TO MIND ♪

♪ SHOULD OLD ACQUAINTANCE BE FORGOT ♪

♪ AND DAYS OF AULD LANG SYNE? ♪

♪ IN DAYS OF AULD LANG SYNE, MY DEAR ♪

♪ IN DAYS OF AULD LANG SYNE ♪

♪ WE'LL DRINK A CUP OF KINDNESS YET ♪

♪ TO DAYS OF AULD LANG SYNE ♪