Original subtitles

Okay, so there isn't really a system for the fridge.

Everything's up for grabs.

Uh. Oh, except don't touch the Danimals.

Those are Samir's.

-My turn. -[Issa] Through here is the living room.

Um, guys, guys, this is Annabelle.

She's crashing with us this weekend from out of town.

-What's up? -Hi.

-Hello. -They're normally way more fun.

Okay, go put your stuff upstairs.

Um, my room is the one with the complicated energy.

[Annabelle] Hmm.

Yeah, you'll find it.

-[Anton humming] -Well, she seems sweet.

Okay, so Annabelle is pregnant

and she is here for her abortion,

which I have like zero time for. [sighs]

-I'm sorry, what? -I volunteered to house an abortion teen

from out of state because I'm doing my part,

but I need you to do your part of my part and watch her this weekend.

It is tech week for Popcorn Forest, Paul Baker.

It's my student's recital, and it's a mess.

Like, Abby F doesn't know how to Vogue.

-So-- -Babe, this is, like, my one weekend off. I--

Oh. And I'm bringing Billie in to assistant-teach the class.

This is, like, her first time leaving the house since Mr. Teacher.

So it's, like, would you rather her lie in bed all day

and listen to the Hurricane Sandy concert, 'cause she will do it.

-No, I don't. [scoffs] None of us want that. -Yeah.

But Anton and I have plans, like, this--

Okay. It's fine. I'll help him.

-We'll watch her together. -Thanks.

Thank you so much. I will thank you in the playbill.

-[Anton] Hmm. -It costs $50.

I really need that.

[gasps] Wait, you look cute. Where are you going?

Huh? Oh, me?

Going upstate for the weekend.

You know, with Carly.

We've been hanging out again.

-[Anton] Ooh. -[gasps] Upstate.

Wow.

Yeah, it's a big deal. I bought a sweater.

I'm nervous.

But remember, the first weekend away with someone is very crucial, okay?

-[Samir] Mm-hmm. -Don't Samir this.

Okay, don't... don't verb my name at me.

-I'm not gonna fuck it up. -[Anton] No.

-No. God, no. -No. Of course, not. Never.

[gasps] Oh, wait. She's coming. Hey, big, strong girl.

-Hi. -Hey.

Hi.

You brushed your hair.

-You look so clean. -[Samir] Yeah.

Guys, I got dumped. It's not terminal.

-Totally. -Mmm.

Okay, wait, why is there a teenage girl stripping your bed?

Oh. That's an Anton and Paul Baker plotline now, but, uh, we gotta go.

Bye.

-Bye. -Bye.

Bye.

Annabelle, put your pj's on.

-It's time for bed. -[chuckles]

[♪♪ theme music plays]

Now ballet run around, ballet run around,

ballet run until you're popcorn on the ground.

Now sizzle, sizzle, sizzle, pop.

Now sizzle, sizzle, sizzle, pop. Sizzle, sizzle, sizzle, pop.

Sizzle, sizzle, sizzle, pop.

Now step...

Okay, guys, eyes on me, eyes on me.

So it's step, twirl, step again, okay?

Great. That's gorgeous.

Also, Kenzie, if you don't believe you're Princess Kernel, no one will, okay?

[Madison] Ms. Issa, I'm hungry.

Oh, my God, Madison, I am starving.

Thank God you said something.

Okay, Jack, take my phone, get a group order going.

You know what everyone likes.

-Okay. Fun, right? -[Billie] Yeah.

No, it's, um... it's really elaborate.

I know. They're so good with story structure.

-It blows my mind. I just can't believe... -[Daryn] Excuse me.

She looks like my mom.

-Awe. -Oh. Uh.

Is she happy?

-Billie. -[knocks on door]

-Issa, um, hey, have you got a minute? -[Issa] Mm-hmm?

Yeah. Um, okay, guys, uh, sip some water, rehydrate.

Jack, get me a spinach roll.

'Cause when I come back we're gonna run the woodland sequence, okay?

-Billie, you'll watch them. -I-Iss, I don't know if I can...

Issa.

Hi.

Oh. Yeah, question.

Are you a stranger?

We've got this, I promise.

-Yeah? -Yes.

Guiding troubled youth through hardship is, like... It's really my calling.

My high school guidance counselor was fired

because I basically made him redundant, so...

I thought they caught him filming the swim team changing.

And also he was filming the swim team changing, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Okay, but watch this. Watch, just watch this space.

Annabelle, Annabelle, Bella, Belly, hi.

So, I don't want to overhype it,

but I do think you really lucked out having us as your abortion dads.

We are very fun.

And low-key.

Cool. Um, so, uh, your appointment's tomorrow at noon,

but I thought maybe before then we could do a little spa day, you know?

I want pizza, and I wanna see Wicked.

Um. We can't... I don't think we can afford Wicked, to be honest.

-But-- -What can you afford?

Um...

Just, uh, the pizza.

Uh, and, uh, there's a Froyo place where you can pay by weight.

-Yes. Yes. -We can afford that.

Okay. My friend came to New York for her abortion.

She got to see Sarah Jessica Parker's house.

She got to see Sarah Jessica Parker's house. -Oh. -So, I mean...

-Oh. -So, I mean...

I don't know who that is.

What?

-What? -Well, can I see where 9/11 was filmed?

[Troy] Okay, so you know I'm obsessed with Licorice Pizza.

-Popcorn Forest. -Right.

It's just now the board is beginning to worry.

The board? About what?

The kids literally wrote the show themselves.

-It's exactly that, it turns out. Uh. -Troy.

These recitals aren't really for the kids.

You know that, right?

It's mainly for the parents, for them to have something to film.

Terribly for Instagram.

-No, that's... -You should do Swan Lake again.

It's such a crowd pleaser.

What? No, no, no, no, no, you can't do that.

These kids have worked on this show for months.

Do you know how long months is for a 3rd grader?

It's like half their life.

Issa, I'm sorry, but at the end of the day,

your show just isn't that serious.

The Popcorn Forest is deadly serious.

Popcorn Forest is about veil reform...

Popcorn Forest is about veil reform... -Issa. -...and Ukraine.

-Issa. -...and Ukraine.

It's done.

I'm sorry, it's done.

Thanks for the note, Troy.

Thanks for the note, Troy. I'll take you up on that.

I'll take you up on that.

It's a lock-in.

We're doing a lock-in.

[Carly] Oh, yeah, that's a house.

Yeah.

That's... It's actually... It's not even a house.

It's actually... It's a stunning cabin in the heart of Phoenicia.

-Oh. -Yeah, with Debbie R. She's a super host.

-[Carly] Well, yeah, she is. -Yeah.

-Oh, yeah. -[Samir] Wow.

-That's a plop. -[Samir] That's a plop.

-You gotta plop. -[Samir] Okay.

-Yeah. -Yeah.

[Carly] Wow. I haven't been upstate in, like, five years.

[Carly continues, indistinct]

So, um, what should we do?

Uh. Just, like, nature stuff.

-Nature stuff? -Nature stuff.

I'm gonna go freshen up.

-Okay. -Okay.

I'm just gonna be here reading The Case for Nationalism.

[Carly, Samir] Oh.

Debbie.

Why is it square?

Actually, Annabelle, Sicilian is having a moment.

-So, yeah. -Yeah. That's true.

So do you just, like, agree with everything he says?

Hmm? Oh, no, no, this is my favorite spot.

'Cause, you know, he's probably not that cool, right?

He's just kind of cool relative to you.

-Uh. Jesus, you finished? -Oh, my God.

That was delish, right? Let's go get some pedicures.

I didn't come all the way to New York for a pedicure.

I can get my nails painted back home.

Wow, something you can get done back home.

[Paul] Okay. Hey, real quick.

-[Annabelle] Oh, my. Oh, wow. -Crazy.

[Paul] Okay. Yeah.

Hey, I don't know what's happening here,

but we're gonna bring the temperature down.

-Yeah. -We can't let her get to us.

I know, but this-this never happens, okay?

Teenagers are usually obsessed with me, but this one is just, like, vile.

I know, but she's clearly just going through it right now.

But in the meantime, we gotta stay strong.

It's you and me, okay?

We are Mount Everest.

We are solid, unshakable.

Tall.

-You're right. Okay. I'm calm. -Yeah?

-And I'm tall. -Yeah.

We can't let a 16-year-old break us, right?

-Fine, okay. -Yeah?

So do you guys smoke weed or do you dress like slobs just for the sake of it?

[Anton scoffs]

Shh. Shh. Shh. Shh. Shh.

No popcorn, no peace.

No popcorn, no peace.

-Issa? Issa, open the door. -No popcorn, no peace.

-No popcorn, no peace. -I know you can hear me. Open the door!

-No Popcorn, no peace. -Okay, guys, louder and prouder.

Except for you, Hayden. You're doing great.

He's nonverbal.

Iss, Iss, what exactly is the plan here?

Okay, well, I stole the studio keys.

So that no one's getting in.

And we have some juice boxes

in the mini fridge because Ava is diabetic.

-Thank God. -Okay, Iss, it's just a kids' show.

It's not just a kids' show.

Guys, guys, is Popcorn Forest just a kids' show?

What's Popcorn Forest?

What?

Daryn, you literally wrote the final pas de deux.

Okay, Issa, they're gonna call the parents, okay?

-You could get fired. -Okay, so?

Why is everything with you like, "Oh, my God, what if I get fired?

Oh, my God, what if I get in trouble?" Like, get in trouble, Bills.

Make a mess for something you care about,

like... [grunts] ...throw-throw some crayons at the wall.

[kids cheer] Yeah!

Okay, somebody has to take care of this.

Okay, somebody has to take care of this. Billie, Billie, no, no, no!

Billie, Billie, no, no, no!

No! Billie, please stop. Billie, do not open that door.

Billie, seriously. [gasps]

Ms. Issa,

do we live here now?

Madison, I'm obsessed with you, but I'm not in the mood.

[sighs]

Thank you for a wonderful meal, Anton.

Thank you for saying thank you, Paul Baker.

Pass the hot sauce.

Huh. Annabelle, could we try asking that another way, maybe with a "please"?

Could you please shave your shitty porn 'stache?

You look like you belong on Dateline as a pedophile.

Okay, language, Annabelle.

Suck my bush.

-He's said, "language!" -Okay, hey.

Hey, guys, let's... let's cool off.

Hey, guys, let's... let's cool off. I hate you two.

I hate you two.

I wish I was having this abortion at Sarah Jessica Parker's house!

Okay, Annabelle!

We all wish we were having this abortion at Sarah Jessica Parker's house, okay?

With Matthew and Andy and Brooke Shields and Marci fucking Klein.

Fuck you! You are the least interesting gays I have ever met!

Hey, he is fluid!

You know what is wrong with you guys?

You know what is wrong with you guys? You think nice is a personality when really it's the absence of one.

You think nice is a personality when really it's the absence of one.

And you keep saying your sweater is vintage, but I saw it at Target.

[Paul] Everest, Anton. Everest.

-Who fucked you, Annabelle? -Shh.

-Who fucked you? -[Paul] Everest, Anton.

-Target has some nice things. -[Paul] Everest. Everest.

It's a designer collab, Annabelle. Heard of that?

Okay. Okay. She gets it.

Shh. It's okay now.

Oh, my God.

[grunts]

Fuck.

Where's the plunger? Plunger.

Debbie.

Don't freak out. I'm starting to freak out.

I'm starting to freak out. Do not freak out.

I'm chill. Shit like this happens all the time.

I'm gonna kill myself.

That means nothing to me.

[all chanting] Popcorn united. We'll never be divided.

Popcorn united...

I have it under control.

-Do you? -This doesn't look like control.

It doesn't feel like it's in control.

Hi, uh, I'm helping out today. I'm Issa's friend.

I just wanna let you know that the kids are perfectly safe.

I didn't know that there was a possibility of them not being safe, Troy.

-No, no, no. -Yeah, Issa's just a little worked up.

But I know that we can find some common ground here.

Like, uh--

Well, tell your friend that we don't want our kids up on stage dressed as popcorn.

Uh-huh. Okay, yeah. Yeah, heard.

Uh. We can definitely change up the wardrobe.

That's actually a really good compromise.

Finally, a grown-up.

Oh, my God, thank you so much.

That actually means a lot.

Um. Let's get into it, shall we?

Okay, so how do we feel about mimed gun violence?

You know what? I heard it as soon as I said it.

I'm gonna veto that one.

[Paul] Hey, Annabelle.

Annabelle.

Hey, Anton didn't mean that, okay?

-Yes, I did. -Shh.

-Look, we just wanna talk. -[sighs]

Hey.

Wanna smoke some weed?

[door unlocks]

I guess I just wanted this to be my weekend in New York, you know?

Not just the weekend I got an abortion.

Yeah, dude, I totally get that.

When I first moved down here from Canada,

my expectations were, like, New York fucking City, you know?

Then everything sucked.

I made no money.

I was sleeping on my buddy's floor on, like, a towel.

-I got scabies from the towel. -Ew!

[Annabelle] Oh, my God.

Yeah, but then I got a job. I met Issa.

I-I met Anton, who's just, like, the coolest person I've ever met.

So, it might seem boring to you right now,

but my advice would be to just... just keep an open mind, you know?

Like, New York can mean a lot of things.

Can I say something?

-[Paul] Yeah, of course. -Yeah.

I don't really know who Sarah Jessica Parker is either.

That is okay.

It's not okay. But yeah, let's forge on.

Also, if I'm really honest?

-Yeah, of course. Please. -Yeah.

If I had your lives, I'd abort myself.

-Oh, my God. Fuck you. -I told you.

-I-I-I literally told you. -Oh, my God. Fuck you.

She's yours. Have fun.

[pants] Unclog toilet, no plunger. [pants]

"Lubricate"... I...

Please, please, please, please, please, please, please.

Fuck.

Okay.

[grunts]

[Carly] Hey, are you okay?

Yeah. Yeah.

[Carly] Hey, my parents wanna have you over for dinner tomorrow.

That's so nice.

-[Carly] Yeah. Do you eat turkey? -[gags] Mmm.

[gags]

Please, God. Please, God. I'll be... I'm gonna blow my brains out everywhere.

I've never asked you for anything.

I never fucking asked you for anything, please.

Fuck.

No.

-[Carly] Hi. -Hey.

Oh. You okay?

[stammers]

I-I was just... I was in the bathroom

and something very bad happened.

-Oh, no. -[Samir] Yeah.

And I-I wasn't gonna say anything, but... [clears throat]

It's just... It's... It's gonna affect us all, so...

-No... -Yeah.

-I know, I know, I know, I know. -[Carly] No.

-I... And-- -[Carly] I know.

-I know. -I know.

-[Samir] Yeah, I know-- -I took... I took a big shit.

Sorry, what?

You know, when I went to go freshen up, but then I didn't.

I just took a big shit and I clogged the toilet so bad.

And-And then I took the toilet brush and I was... I just pushed it.

And-And then I took the toilet brush and I was... I just pushed it. I just... I pushed it.

I just... I pushed it.

-Uh-huh. -I pushed it down there.

Yeah.

And then I just took my straightener

and I don't know why, but I flattened it.

-Yeah. -And I was just pressing it.

I was pressing it down like a pancake.

And I tried so hard not to mess this up, and then I did.

I did. I ruined our trip with my shit.

No. You're-You're amazing.

You're...

What?

I thought I was gonna ruin it with my shit.

I clogged it too.

I re-clogged it.

-I double clogged it. -No!

-I double clogged it. -No! -Just now. -No, you didn't.

-Just now. -No, you didn't.

Yes. Yes. And then I took conditioner and I tried to put it in as-as lube.

-No. -[Samir] I did.

-Wow. -And then I... [clears throat]

I got a fork and a knife from the kitchen.

And, Carly, I was just cutting it.

-[Carly] Oh, my God. -Yeah. I was just cutting it up.

-Wait, no. I should have done that. -Yeah.

Stick with me, I guess. Those are the kind of ideas I have.

Oh. Can I use your toothbrush tonight?

-Why... Oh. -Yeah.

Justice if not now, then when? P-O-P-C-O-R-N.

Guys, trust me, she's not budging on runtime.

-[scoffs] -But if you give me a smoke machine,

I can probably get her to cut the fight sequence.

Oh, my God.

Let's just fire her.

She clearly doesn't care about this job.

What? No, Issa loves her job.

It's ridiculous that you have to defend her like this.

What is she?

A child? This is pathetic.

Justice if not now, then when?

P-O-P-C--

It's a fucking lock-in.

-[kids gasp] -Oh, my God. Wait, how did you get in here?

-Ooh. What? -[kids cheer]

Issa, I am so sorry. You were right.

I was such an asshole, and this matters.

This really, really matters.

Aw.

P-O-P-C-O-R-N. Justice if not now, then when?

-P-O-P-C-O-- Oh. -[bell rings]

Okay, guys. Protest over. Great job today.

Um. Your homework for tonight is to watch Erin Brockovich

and tell me if I'd like it.

Wait, what are you do...

What about... What about Popcorn Forest? What about the protest?

Oh. Well, I mean, it's 6:00.

What am I gonna do? Hold them overnight?

-We'll just do Swan Lake. -Oh.

Also, I should just keep developing Popcorn for us.

Like, it'll be my Tick, Tick... Boom!

They'll make it after I die.

You know?

-[Paul] Hey, Anton? -Yeah?

You are cool, right? Like, you know that?

You are cool, right? Like, you know that? Not just relative to me.

Not just relative to me.

-Thank you. I knew that. -Okay, 'cause I thought you would...

-And your mustache isn't porny. -Okay, really?

-No, stop looking at it. -Or, like, pedophilic.

-What? It's a mustache. -I don't know.

I think she got to me. I was thinking about shaving it.

'Cause of her? No.

-Let me see it. -Hmm.

No, it's perfect.

Okay, great.

Okay, great. I'll keep the 'stache.

I'll keep the 'stache.

[door opens]

I knew you two were screwing each other's butts.

-[door closes] -How'd it go? You okay?

Good. But I do want pizza.

It's square, don't throw a shit fit.

[Paul chuckles] Okay. Let's go home.

[Issa] Thank you all for buying a playbill.

Now, as some of you may have heard, I am on probation at the dance school.

[Anton, Paul, Billie] Boo!

But in the spirit of letting go,

we decided to put on a show for you.

So I now present to you... [gasps] ...Popcorn Forest, abridged.

[groans]

[♪♪ classical music playing]

Sway, sway, sway, sway.

Sizzle, sizzle, sizzle, pop.

Sizzle, sizzle, sizzle, pop.

In real life, this would have pyrotechnics.

And Ukraine.

So you're the pregnant girl.

Not anymore.

Oh. That's... I heard you were a bitch.

[singsongy] ♪♪ Popcorn Forest ♪♪

Yeah. That fucking sucked.

We're open to notes.