Original subtitles

[♪♪ funk song playing]

[sighs]

-Okay, everybody huddle up. [sighs] -[claps]

I want eye contact and nods.

You are my best, most cherished people.

And we are more than capable of throwing a dinner party

despite what everyone says about people our age.

That we're neurotic, irresponsible, directionless,

or that we lie about using menstrual cups.

-That one felt targeted. -It could have been about anyone.

-[Billie] But tonight... -Yeah.

Tonight, we're gonna prove them wrong.

We are in the roast chicken phase of life.

We can be mature, and we can be normal.

And we can cook a roast fucking chicken like the goddamn grown-ups we--

-Oh, no. -[Billie] Oh, my God.

[grunts] He drank weird milk.

-What? -[Samir] Oh, my...

He drank weird milk.

-Someone get a towel. -What is happening?

[♪♪ theme music plays]

Hey, thanks for letting me invite her, Bills. My friend Jules is, like, the best.

She's really kind, super thoughtful. She's the one who put me onto poppers.

PB, any friend of yours is a friend of ours.

As long as she has good banter and an Atlantic article she wants to discuss,

because that is the vibe that I'm curating tonight.

-Oh, my God, hi. -Hi.

Not quite the outfit we discussed.

It's my dad's suit.

You said dress up.

Yeah, like a normal guy, not like you run Gotham City.

You look like a little rascal, dude.

You look like a little rascal. You look amazing.

You look incredible.

[Issa] Hey, Paul Baker, can you help me with the table?

-[Paul] You look so good. -Thanks.

What? I'm trying to look nice for Mr. Teacher.

He knows what you look like, Samir. He taught you Hamlet.

Okay, first of all, shmoop.com taught me Hamlet.

Second, it's just dinner. Like, what's the...

Because... here, hold this. Because Mr. Teacher makes me happy.

And he has his shit together, and he thinks we have our shit together too.

So, I just... I just need this to go well, okay?

-Okay, I got you. -Thank you.

How we looking out there, Iss?

There are napkins on tables. There are nuts in bowls.

I mean, this is basically a gala.

-Aw. You look nice. -Thank you.

-Very Phantom Thread. -Oh, thanks.

-Never seen it. -No, me neither.

-Billie. -Yeah.

-Hi. Look at me. Hi. -Hi.

Relax. It's gonna be perfect.

Also, lucky for you, I am the ultimate dinner party guest.

-You are? -Yeah, I'm cultured,

I'm great at chitchat.

I have that awesome story about how Jane Fonda punched me in the tit

at the climate march. It's gonna be great, Bills. It's gonna be great.

-Paul Baker. -Has anyone seen the cocktail shaker?

Okay, be honest. Did I die? Am I in hell?

What? You asked for a bartender, you're gonna get a bartender, okay?

Someone is blacking out tonight. [chuckles] Me.

Just tell me they're not assless.

-They're not assless. -[doorbell rings]

Oh, my God, he's here.

[fire alarm beeping]

Um... Waft.

-Waft, Samir! -I'm... [stammers]

If you don't know the word "waft," just say so.

I was trying things. Here, here, here, here. Okay.

-Hi, baby. Hi. -Hi. Hey.

-Oh. Mmm. -[moans]

Oh, my God. [chuckles] Um, come in.

-I want you to meet everyone. -Yeah.

-This is Anton. -Hi, I'm Anton.

-And Issa. -Hi.

-This is Paul Baker. -What's up, man?

-And you know Samir. -Yeah.

Sir.

Okay, well, don't salute him. [chuckles]

Um, but I'm so excited you're here. [chuckles]

-I have a whole chicken in the oven... -Mmm!

...which is very me.

-Very us. -So us.

-Totally us. -Mm-hmm.

But come, uh, get a drink.

-Uh, Samir, coat? -Yes, I could take that.

Yeah. Nice to meet you guys.

[Issa] Yes. [chuckles] Oh. I'm so excited.

Oh.

-You want to take it? -Yeah.

Thanks, Samir.

-Oh, wow. Wow, this is incredible. Yeah. -Mm-hmm.

-Oh. Cool. Cool. -Yeah.

Oh, man.

How many leaves does it have?

-How many leaves? -Yeah.

[stammers, sighs] I've never counted. [chuckles]

Uh, it's probably the same as always, isn't it? Or different.

[sighs] Yeah, I... I mean, anyone's guess.

-Yeah. [chuckles] -Yeah. [chuckles]

Samir, look at you. Oh, my God, wow.

You did it. I'm so proud of you.

[stammers] I'm trying. Uh, thank you. [stutters] That's very nice of you.

Can I be honest with you about something?

Yeah.

I'm on a very large, introductory dose of ketamine.

-Okay. -[shushes]

It's fine. It's fine. They call it a... [inhales sharply] A pony dose.

'Cause if you gave it to a pony, it would also be high on ketamine.

-Uh-huh. Mm-hmm. -Mmm.

And just, sorry, why? Why are you on that?

[clicks tongue]

It's just helping me move through some stuff right now, you know?

-With the divorce and everything. -Mm-hmm.

Let's not tell anyone. Just keep it between us ducks.

-Us ducks? -Yeah.

-Promise? -Yeah, I promise.

Okay.

[kisses]

It's really good to see you.

[♪♪ "Strut Pt 2" playing]

He's on ketamine.

-Who? -He... He's tripping his balls off.

-[Anton] Oh, my God, Mr. Teacher? -[Samir] Yeah.

You know what? Good for him.

What? No. Not good. Not good for him.

The... Anton, this whole thing is for him.

This whole night. Billie planned everything--

Samir, he's in his forties, okay? I'm sure he knows what he's doing.

She's gonna freak out.

Yeah, if you tell her. Just leave it, okay? Please.

-I can't just leave it. What do-- -Hold, hold.

The-The cap. The cap.

-What? -The cap.

It's just a little spillage.

-[fire alarm beeping] -Okay, waft.

-[Billie] Anton, waft. -Yeah, yeah, yeah.

-No, Anton. It's like... like this. -[Billie] Oh, my God,

does nobody know the word "waft"?

[sighs]

-Okay. We need to get those drinks out. -Ah! Waft!

Oh, yeah. Going.

Oh, yeah. Going. [beeping continues]

[beeping continues]

[beeping stops]

I thought you said they weren't assless.

Oh, he changed. He changed.

[Paul] Are you like actually okay with it though?

Paul Baker, there is nothing wrong with bringing a plus one.

Also, if Jules is important to you, she's important to me.

Oh, my God, I don't know. I was... I was concerned you'd be, like...

I don't know, feel weird about it or something? I don't know.

-What? Paul Baker... -I know. I know, I know. Just...

I've never done, like, old friends meeting new friends, and I just...

-but of course you're okay with that. -Duh.

-I know. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. -It's okay.

-Pardon my reach. -Oh. Thank you.

[Paul] Huh.

[clicks tongue] Share, 'cause you got more.

-Anyway, Jules is gonna love me. -She is.

I just hope she's not intimidated seeing me in my element.

-Oh, yeah? -Yeah.

-Ready? -Yeah. Uh-huh.

-Watch this. -Okay.

X year, Barclays Center,

I'm tits out next to Jane Fonda in a way she does not like.

[laughs] So, I've been going to these protests for a very long time,

and I can tell there's a new alpha in charge, and Jane can tell too.

-How's it going? -Hmm?

Oh. Bad. I signed up for this job, sort of outfit first.

Hmm.

Do you muddle olives?

I walk up, she starts throwing punches at me,

and I'm like, "Hey, whoa." Dodging, dodging,

and before I know it, boom! Down she goes.

-Old bitch. -[both laugh]

-I know. -[laughs]

Oh, my God. Oh, my...

[Mr. Teacher laughing] Oh, my God.

You're the... You're just the strangest little Mexican boy I've ever seen.

[laughs]

-Wait, what? -[doorbell rings]

-Oh, that's Jules. -Oh, yay.

-You made it! -[Jules] I did!

-Oh, my God. -I'm so sorry I'm late.

-No. -Like, a reunion thing ran late,

-and everyone wanted a picture with me. -[Paul] Oh, this is fun.

-[Jules] That's for you. -That's Jules?

[grunts]

-Oh, my God. Foxy J in our house. -Mm-hmm. In the house.

[gasps, squeals]

It's Julia Fox. [chuckles] What?

Hi, uh... Um, hi. [chuckles]

You guys know Jules?

Okay, Samir, service. Anton, wine.

Uh, Paul Baker, come and help me reach tall things.

-This dinner is live, people. Go. -[Anton] Julia, come with me.

When I read your memoir, I was like, wait, this is literally me.

-Every page. -Oh, my God! You read my book?

-[Anton] Of course, my love. -[Jules] I love you. I love you.

[Anton] Okay, so, wait. [chuckles] I think we are very similar.

-Julia Fox is on my parents' couch. -I know.

Julia Fox is on my parents' couch. The Uncut Gems girl's on my parents' couch.

-I know. -She knows Sandler.

I know, Samir, but we're fine. This is why we prepped. [sighs]

And then I was just like, "You know what? You're not a socialist,

and this isn't even your private jet!"

[all laugh]

That is so funny, babe.

-Do you need help? -No, no, you're good, girl.

You keep eating. Is the chicken in there?

-Yeah. -Oh, nice.

[screams]

Looks so yum.

-You okay, Iss? -Totally.

I mean, did Paul Baker bring the A-plus-plus-plus version of me

to this party? Sure. And did I always dream

that we would meet getting arrested together at Art Basel? Totally.

But you know, now here she is on my night, being interesting all over the sofa.

-[Billie] Oh, Iss. -[Iss] Yeah.

We had to land, um, in Athens.

-[Anton] You landed early? -Yeah.

-Oh, shit. -What?

Huh? Oh, nothing. He's... We're good.

Huh? Oh, nothing. He's... We're good. Come on. Don't do this to me, Samir, okay? I'm trying to conquer a chicken.

Come on. Don't do this to me, Samir, okay? I'm trying to conquer a chicken.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just-Just one second. It's good.

[Issa] Hey, Jules, crab dip is dairy free! I got you, girl.

Hey. [panting]

-Hey. -Hey.

-You okay? -Yeah, we're all good, Samir.

That's the whole point.

Okay, right. Yeah.

Oh. [chuckles] The old yearbook.

She really came into herself after the Mets' braces, huh?

[Issa laughs] So funny.

I have to end it with her.

-What? -Oh, fuck.

-Hold on. -What the fuck am I doing?

Oh, man, what the fuck am I doing? This girl was a child. [gasps]

-No. -I'm dating a child.

No, no, no, no, no, you can't... You can't think like that.

Everyone... Everyone was a child. Just breathe, okay?

You can't do this. You just gotta breathe. You're not thinking clearly.

No, no, this is the most clear a person could or could not be.

Please, please don't do this tonight. You make her happy.

You make her so happy. And she told me that.

She told me that you make her happy.

[Italian accent] And she make me chicken.

What?

[sighs]

Okay. Um...

-[Samir] Hey. Hey, Bills? -Hey.

Hey, just real quick, I, uh... I don't think you should be dating this guy.

I think he's a sick man. I think he's sick in the head.

Samir, what?

[stutters] I just think he's fucking unhinged. I think...

Okay, where is this coming from?

Well, Julia Fox ate all the crab dip.

-Did you... change? -[Issa sighs]

What? No. I've been wearing this.

I fixed my hair.

I just... Bills, I really... I don't think you should be with this guy. In fact...

Hey, I think you should break up with him.

Oh, my... Oh, oh... Oh, my God.

Oh, my God, Samir, is this bringing up feelings?

What feelings?

From 10th grade when you asked me out, but I said no

because I was secretly hooking up with Tyler Parcell.

This doesn't have anything to do with Tyler Parcell.

Or his Porsche?

His dad's Porsche? It doesn't have anything to do with that.

-[timer rings] -I worry that you're doing that thing

where you put all your eggs in one basket, in the cart before the horse. Yeah.

-Oh, my God. -[sizzling]

I'm doing it.

[chuckles]

Yeah. Yeah, it looks great.

[screams]

We all hang out in Lorne's office. It's so fun.

No one actually watches the show, but there are a lot of celebrities there.

Like who?

You guys should just come with me next Saturday.

-To SNL? -Yes.

Oh, my God, I mean me and Bowen, we're doing bits?

-I think we have to. -I think he's single.

-Hey. Can I talk to you? -What?

Yeah, I met Emma Stone last week.

[chuckles] I loved Easy A.

Whoa, hey, what?

Why would you bring a plus one? I am your girlfriend. I am your plus one.

-But I asked you, like, 50 times. -[groans]

How do you even know her? You barely have a cell phone.

No. It's Jules. We volunteer together for Meals on Wheels. She's Meals, I'm Wheels.

No. It's Jules. We volunteer together for Meals on Wheels. She's Meals, I'm Wheels. Oh, wow. So, now you have your own sick little pet names for each other.

Oh, wow. So, now you have your own sick little pet names for each other.

-Oh, my God. -That's amazing, Paul Baker.

Iss, come on. You were gonna do this no matter who I brought.

-That is not true. -Yes--

You brought Julia Fox. God. Do you ever go on the fucking Internet?

-Wait, have you been to jail? -Not, like, real jail.

Just, like, a holding cell.

[♪♪ "Sunny" plays on speakers]

-[Jules] Oh. -Whoa. [chuckles]

[Jules] O-Okay.

[♪♪ song continues]

♪♪ Sunny ♪♪

♪♪ Yesterday my life was filled with rain ♪♪

Whoo!

♪♪ Sunny ♪♪

[Billie chuckles] Oh, my God.

-Hi, baby. -[chuckles]

I like it when you call me baby.

Infant.

Mmm?

I wish I had no knowledge.

♪♪ Thank you For the love you brought my way ♪♪

♪♪ Sunny one so true, I love you ♪♪

[Billie chuckles]

[distorted] ♪♪ Sunny... ♪♪

-[Billie chuckles] -I have to tell you something.

And I have to make the slaw.

No, I do. I really have to tell you something.

[normal] ♪♪ Thank you For the facts from A to Z ♪♪

-[Anton] Whoo! -[Jules] Top me off, baby.

I will, babe.

-[finger snaps] -Hey. I've read half your book.

Fuck yeah, you did.

-Whoo! -Whoo!

-Come on, dance with me. -No, thanks.

♪♪ ...I love you ♪♪

-Wow, Bills. -Oh, my God. Unbelievable.

Oh, my God.

-Wow. -Wow.

[chuckles]

-[glass clinking] -If I may, I'd like to make a toast.

-[glass clinking] -If I may, I'd like to make a toast. Oh, my God. Please. [chuckles]

Oh, my God. Please. [chuckles]

To Paul Baker. Thank you for inviting me here tonight.

[Paul] Of course.

And I'd like to recite a line from my favorite poem.

[whispers] Oh, wow.

"Live thy life, young and old, like yon oak, bright in spring, living gold."

To all of you.

-[all] Aw. -[Paul] Cheers.

Oh, wait, um, I actually have a toast as well.

[clears throat] Uh, it's a poem that I wrote myself, uh, and it's called,

-"Bleached Eyebrows Aren't a Personality." -[Paul] Okay.

It goes "poor, poor girl bleached her eyebrows at home..."

Okay, toasting's done. Toasting's done.

Well, actually I'd like to say something to Billie.

-Aw. -No, no. Sorry, nope. Toasting's over.

Sorry, we're all very hungry, right?

-Samir. -Yeah, she said toasting's over.

-Too many toasts is tacky at this point. -[Billie] We can do one more.

Yeah? Then can I just toast you in the kitchen? Real quick?

-What? -Paul Baker, can I toast you upstairs?

No, no, no, no more toasts. No more toasts.

We have a celebrity here. Okay? Let's make her proud. [chuckles]

Babe, do you want to do the honors?

Mmm. Oh, yeah. Wow, yes, thank you. Great. Wow.

-Huh? What a thing of beauty. -[squeals]

-It really looks great, Bills. -It does.

Okay, here we go.

[Issa shrieks]

Oh, my God.

[Mr. Teacher] Mmm. Oh, yeah.

-[Anton] Oh, my... -[groans]

Did-Did she forget to thaw that out?

You have to thaw it?

-Wow, gorgeous. -[Issa] Oh.

-Wow, gorgeous. -[Issa] Oh. Nice bit of skin for you, sir.

Nice bit of skin for you, sir.

-She's a toughie bird. -[Issa gasps]

-How hungry are you, Julia? -Not at all. I'm actually vegan.

-That's a nice piece. -[Jules] Oh. Oh.

[stammers]

For our beautiful chef.

Bit of skin.

Wait, wait, wait. Wait, everyone. Wait. Listen.

Au jus first.

-[Issa] No. -[Samir groans]

And for you, my hallucination.

-[Jules stammers] -[Anton gasps]

[Issa gasps]

[Mr. Teacher grunts]

All right, everyone. Tuck in.

Mmm. I'll just try a little bit.

[Billie gasps]

-[all groaning] -[Paul] Oh, my God.

-[Mr. Teacher moaning] -Oh, my...

The sides are usually the best part, but not tonight.

[all groan]

-[Anton] Oh, my God. -Oh.

[Mr. Teacher] That's delicious.

He... He's on ketamine.

Pony dose.

I...

Tonight was supposed to be...

[Issa, Jules scream]

-I guess no one says grace anymore! -[Anton] Oh, my God.

[Mr. Teacher breathing heavily]

-[Issa, Billie, Jules scream, gasp] -[Samir] Whoa!

Do you guys have a bathroom?

Just unlock the door, okay? I can drive you home.

[Mr. Teacher] No! I'm the sick housemate!

Why wouldn't you tell me he was on ketamine?

I'd said... I said that he's unhinged.

[Mr. Teacher] I am the Chandler of the group. I'm funny!

You know what, I don't care. I'm going in.

-No, no, Samir, stop. Samir. -Yeah, yeah. Yes. Yes.

Hey, dickhead, you can't treat my friend like that. All right? You're in my house.

Samir! You live in your childhood home.

You sleep in your childhood bed ensconced in the same walls

where you first discovered your penis.

You're not a man of the house, Samir. You are Eloise.

You fuck...

-Bro, get the fuck out of my house, man. -Samir, Samir. Stop.

-He's clearly going through something. -Yeah, clearly he's going...

-Why are you making excuses for this guy? -I'm not making excuses.

You're being crazy.

-I'm being crazy? I'm being crazy? -Yeah, you're being crazy.

-He's... He's breaking up with you. -Yeah.

What?

He told me he-he's breaking up with you. He told me.

Is that true?

Billie, I think you might be my rock bottom.

[Samir] Hey.

-No, no, no, hey, hey, hey. -What the fuck?

He's a fucking 40-year-old loser.

[Billie] He's 42.

-I can give him the weird milk. -[snorts]

We gotta get this guy the fuck out of here.

[Samir] Is that his phone?

-Which room? -He's in the shower.

Jesus Christ.

[sighs] Okay.

[Mr. Teacher shouting]

-Medic? -Ex-wife.

[Mr. Teacher continues shouting]

She didn't take her shoes off.

We're past shoes off.

Hey.

[Mr. Teacher] Hillary, are you...

Yeah, I'm here now, apparently.

Jesus Christ.

[Mr. Teacher sobbing] I'm not doing very good.

-[Hillary] Oh, you're damp. -Yeah.

-[Hillary] Get your stuff. Let's go. -Let's go.

Yeah, yeah.

Do you want to come with us to the hospital?

Oh, no. We broke up.

So did we.

You must hate me right now. [chuckles]

Did he call you his rock bottom?

Maybe he's yours too.

-Okay, time to go. Say bye to Billie. -[coughs] Goodbye, Billie.

Billie, say bye to Andrew.

Bye.

Okay.

[Hillary] Easy does it.

-[Andrew] Can we stop for Taco Bell? -No.

The whole fucking time I'm trying to remember this guy's name. Andrew.

-[Billie snorts] -[Samir laughs]

[sighs] I-I'm-I'm sorry, Julia. This night has been so...

[breathes deeply] I feel like I've been my worst self around you.

You know, listen, I don't know you,

-I don't know your name... -It's Issa.

...but as Paul's friend, you're better than this.

Go wash your face.

I would love to do this.

-No. I'm not coming back out here. -[clears throat] Yeah.

I learn from my mistakes and you should too.

But I can follow you back on Instagram. What's your name again?

But I can follow you back on Instagram. What's your name again? Do you wanna just put it in?

Do you wanna just put it in?

-Oh, your ride's, it's in-- -Oh, shit. My car's here.

It was really nice to meet you, Tina, and I hope you get well soon, okay?

Just hang in there.

-Bye. -B-Bye.

Fuck Mr. Teacher.

-Fuck Mr. Teacher. -[imitating Andrew] Eloise.

I'm fucking... I'm Mr. Salomone, bitch.

-He manages the plaza. -Ah.

I should have said that. It would have been so good.

I thought Issa was on dishes?

Yeah, "was" being the key word there.

[Anton] Well, I got you.

-So who else do you know? -I was just thinking about that.

There's this woman Scarlett at my gym that I'm pretty close with.

I know she's an actress, so...

Jesus Christ.

[Paul] Oh, and Kenny. I play chess with Kenny.

[Anton] No, I think that's just Kenny.

-[Paul] Oh, hey, Bills. -How are you, my love?

I'm good. Yeah, I'm good.

[screams]

[♪♪ "Sunny" plays]

♪♪ Yesterday my life was filled with rain ♪♪

♪♪ Sunny ♪♪

♪♪ You smiled at me And really eased the pain ♪♪

♪♪ The dark days are gone And the bright days are here ♪♪

♪♪ My sunny one shines so sincere ♪♪

♪♪ Sunny one so true, I love you ♪♪

♪♪ Sunny ♪♪

♪♪ Thank you for the truth you let me see ♪♪

♪♪ Sunny... ♪♪