Original subtitles

[police radio chatter]

[Paul] I'm telling you, sir, I live right there.

[officer] I need proof.

I don't have any proof. I just moved in.

Hey, hey.

-What's going on? Hi. -Oh, hey, baby.

Okay, don't freak out, Iss,

but there seems to have been

a very light stabbing on our block.

[gasps]

Billie stabbed Samir over the hospital bill.

-No. No. -What?

-No? -[Anton] ...but that's sisters.

Ultimately, that's sisters, you know.

I mean, I don't have sisters,

but I assume that's what they're like.

Oh, hi. How are you?

Oh, my God, how does he know everyone?

Oh. Hey, Kurt?

Kurt?

Yeah, they're good. They're with me.

You can let them in.

Seriously?

And hang these up around the neighborhood.

What?

Oh, my God.

You're kidding me.

[Anton] ...bronchitis. I have a CPAP at home.

How does he know everyone?

[Anton laughs] When I think backless dress,

I really do think Doreen.

You should be wearing this more often.

Anton.

"Have you seen this man?"

Oh.

Oh, him.

Oh.

Wow. Doreen? Doreen, you have to come see this.

This is crazy. I'm in a poster.

Oh. It's not exciting.

-Doreen? -Hmm?

[Anton] You're gonna want to see this, my love.

♪ ♪

♪ Ooh ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ I need some bad advice ♪

♪ Yeah, oh ♪

♪ We'll stay up tonight ♪

♪ We'll make it out alive ♪

♪ Ooh, ooh, hoo! ♪

Is this gonna take... way longer, or...

-One more, one more second. -Okay.

[Billie] No, Samir, I'm not angry at you.

Okay, but I get if you are.

Like, you trusted me, and my dumb ass

got you into, like, 15 grand of medical debt.

And is it the biggest number I've ever seen in my real life?

Yes. But that's okay.

I have no job, I'm at rock bottom.

Is that the end of the sentence?

But I feel excited, you know?

Like, for the first time in my life,

there are no expectations.

I can do anything.

I might buy a vape. We don't know.

Okay. Well, I'm gonna get you the money.

No, Samir, you're not gonna get me fift--

Yeah, obviously. It's-- I have to.

It's the least I could do.

'Kay, we're starting. We're starting my thing, so...

My thanks to Paul Baker for setting up AirPlay.

Your film studies minor was not in vain.

-Thank you. Thank you, thank you. -'Kay, sit.

-So sexy. -So,

to start with your most pressing questions...

yes, I met the Bayside Stabber.

And yes, we had a really

lovely conversation on the F train.

And yeah,

he sent me these texts afterwards,

which are, frankly, so nice and non-stabby?

So, let's just take a look.

Um, okay.

Uh, okay. Oh, okay, okay.

Who is "Brianna Acupuncture Student?"

[Anton] Sorry, sorry.

That's-that's--

That's not him. That's not him.

Who's "Leather Jacket Newsies Chorus?"

I think it was further back. Oh, yeah.

"Bobby backpack," what's the story there?

[laughs]

Look for, like, "train."

When you don't respond to my texts, this,

seeing this, makes me feel a lot worse.

We have a gorgeous dialogue over text.

[Samir] I'm so far down in this.

No, you're...

[Paul] Oh, that's deep.

-That's deep. D-- -[laughter]

You're responding to "Ghostbusters Librarian,"

and I don't get a text back.

Oh, shit. I forgot to return the book.

Anton, the stabber.

-Okay, now, this is the stabber. This is him. -Okay.

"Anton, I miss you already.

You are a light in this world."

The stabber sent this to you?

-[Anton] Yeah. -And what'd you say back?

Just, like, nothing.

-Anton, move. Come on. -Anton, move.

Sidestep, please.

Mm-hmm.

[Paul] "I'm serious about

making paellas. This is the season of us."

-Oh, my God. -Anton.

-What? -[Issa] You are

such a friend slut.

-Okay, ow? -[Issa] No, seriously,

you just have this thing where you have to make people

feel like the most important person in the world...

-Mm-hmm. -...so they fall in love with you,

and then you ultimately forget about them.

That is not true, Issa. Okay?

I treasure my people.

You have 400 unread text messages.

No, it's four thou-- It's 4,000, usually.

Yeah, it's 4,000. It's just the zero gets cut off.

-Anton. -[Billie] Seriously, Anton.

You can't just soul-bond with every person you meet.

It's not normal.

Uh, why not?

Uh, because some people stab people.

-Yeah. -Okay, you guys are being dramatic.

It's not like it's an ongoing conversation.

-He's not following up with me. -[phone chimes]

[shouting]

-What? -He just liked it.

-What do you call that? -[Billie] He hearted it.

Okay, so what?

-He hearted a message. -[Samir] And now he's typing.

-[shouting] -What?

-He's typing! He's typing! -[screams]

Block him! Block him! He's typing!

Look. See? And it's gone.

You guys, breathe, okay?

Please, the text went away. It's all fine.

-I promise. -[phone rings]

-[screaming] -What now? What?

He's calling you!

-What? -He's calling you!

-He's calling. -[Issa screaming]

What is he doing? What-- What?

[Issa] Oh, my God!

[Anton] Oh...

my God. You just missed the call

and you cracked my screen.

Uh...

[automated voice] Your call has been

forwarded to an--

♪ ♪

Coat closet?

Hey.

-Yo. -Where's everyone?

Uh, I think they all went to the police station with Anton.

Dude, crazy that he knows the stabber.

Is he just always like that?

Like, is he always just so friendly?

Yes, it's a problem. We think his parents took him

to, like, too many dinner parties when he was a kid.

[chuckles] Okay.

[door opens]

-[Samir] Holy fuck! -What?

[Samir] Oh. Oh...

You okay?

-I... -Yo! What the fuck?

Has that been here the whole time?

I don't know. I guess, I guess, I guess.

What do you mean, "you guess"?

I don't know, I guess. I don't know.

This is not-- We're not like a gunny family.

It looks pretty gunny to me, dude.

No, I know-- You just moved in here.

This is not the vibe of the house.

Okay. I have actually never seen one in person before.

It makes me want to throw up.

I'm gonna-- I'm gonna fucking throw it out.

You can't throw it out, dude. What if the stabber gets it?

No, dude, we have to, uh...

Oh, we can take it to a buyback. Yeah.

-What's a buyback? -Like, at a gun store.

You can take the gun to a gun store

and they will buy it back from you for like a chunk of cash.

We can go together if you want.

-Okay. -Yeah?

-Okay. Yeah, sweet. -Okay, great.

-Oh. Sorry, sorry. -Jesus.

[siren wailing]

[loud chatter]

[Issa] Defund the police

and all, but they, like, need to zhuzh this place up.

It's so depressing.

[phone buzzes]

Wait, what the hell?

[laughs]

Oh, my God. Jailbait. Who are you?

No, I know, but I told you.

I'm-I'm trying to explore a little.

-[gasps] -Like, okay,

I am done with the version of me

who asks boring guys to choke me

and then says, "What? Just kidding."

Like, I want to live my 20s a little.

-Is that crazy? -No.

You've arrived.

I'm so happy. I couldn't agree more.

Seriously, like, you're between jobs.

This is your time to start fucking

like your grandchildren will hear about it one day.

-Okay. Mindwipe. -Yeah?

I do want my grandchildren to think of me sexually.

Gone from my brain.

-Never heard it. -Thank you.

Give me your phone. Okay.

I'm gonna put you on Feeld.

This was amazing for my whore phase.

-Really? -Mm-hmm.

Before I met Paul Baker,

this is how I met that Brazilian couple.

-Oh, Lucas and Sophia. -Yeah.

So hot.

And, oh, my God, uh, Joe with the leash.

Joe with the leash?

I know, but don't.

He never walks you.

-Hi. Um, so, apparently... -Hi.

...they want me to give a statement.

What? Really?

[groans] Why must I become embroiled?

Because you are a friend slut.

Because you're a big slutty friend slut

who needs everyone to be obsessed with you.

That's not true. I don't need you guys

-to be obsessed with me. -That's 'cause you know we're obsessed with you.

And whose fault is that?

-[laughs] -[officer] Mr. Evans?

-We're ready for you. -Oh, my God.

Okay, earrings. Yes!

Oh, thanks.

-I made them myself. -[Anton] What?

Wow. You and I are gonna go to Shark Tank, girl.

Mark Cuban's suddenly in, we're in tears.

I took this class at the Y...

[whispers] Friend slut.

-Oh, sorry. Which way, baby? -Get back here. Come on.

[gasps] Ooh.

How do you feel about firemen?

-[inhales] -Oh, no, sorry. There's a comma.

How do you feel about fire and also men?

Yeah.

Mm-hmm. Yeah.

[entry bell jingles]

-I can't. No. -Yes, we can.

-I can't. -We can. We got this.

We can't do anything. We look like

we're fucking J. Crew Columbine. I don't want this shit.

All right. No, we can. Just let me talk.

-I'll handle this, all right? -Okay. Okay.

I'll... I'll chill in the fucking grenade aisle.

Okay, yeah. [clears throat]

Hey, bud. Hi.

How are you? Name's Paul Baker.

It's nice to meet you. Look, my buddy over there,

my buddy with the flag? That's him.

He's going through it right now.

He found his dad's shotgun in the old coat closet.

Problem is, he's not a... [imitates gunshots]

...007 man like yourself.

So we're just trying to figure out

a way to, uh, sell this bad boy back to you.

You know, aka a little buyback.

I'm sure you're familiar, you know?

So what do you say about that one, huh, big guy?

C-Could you help us out with that?

Why are you talking to me like I'm retarded?

Oh... no, I wasn't. No.

The... We actually don't use that word anymore.

Like, at all, sir. I--

The cast of Glee kind of ended that through the power of song,

-so... -What, "retarded"?

-[groans] -My sister's retarded.

-Do you got a sister who's-- -Just give me one... sec...

Hey, dude, uh, we can't do this. Uh, we got to go.

-What do you mean? -Okay, I don't know.

Dude, that's never happened to me before.

I think that went, like...

-What happened? -...bad. I don't know.

Okay, well, I'm not leaving the gun store

with a gun. We're gonna look insane. No.

I can't sell it to this man. I don't, I don't know...

Paul Baker, you're a charming-ass man.

-Hmm. -And I didn't want to say this before,

but I need this money for Billie.

For her medical bills?

Yeah.

Fuck. Okay.

Oh, shit. Okay.

-Okay? We got this. -Yeah. Totally.

We got this. You and me. All right.

Oh, you're just gonna...

I'm just gonna hang out here.

Okay.

Hey, brother. My man.

Uh, I feel like I condescended towards you before,

and for that, I am very sorry.

I don't know what that was.

Might be a Canadian thing. But

if we could just start over,

I'm just trying to sell this gun back.

[laughs] I don't know what that was.

What's with the nail polish?

You a fruitcake or something?

Am I a frui--

No.

No, I am not a fruitcake.

No, that is-- Um, no.

Huh. 'Cause I was gonna say,

if you were a little fruity,

I'd get your number and buy your gun.

Oh.

You-- Oh,

you're... fr-- Okay, yeah.

I am fruity. I don't-- Yeah. I...

I personally don't usually describe it like that.

I usually say, like, "fluid" mostly,

but I, yeah, I am a fruitcake.

-You lying to me right now? -No, sir.

-You queerbaiting me? -"Queerbaiting"?

No, what is the spectrum of your language?

No, I-- Hey, Samir.

Samir, tell this guy, I sleep with men.

I...

[scoffs] This guy? No.

This guy? If anything, he's homophobic.

No, I'm not. I'm not homophobic.

I heard you before, I was, like, "Fruity what?"

'Cause I don't-- We don't--

Get the hell out of my store.

Yes, sir.

He sleeps with men. He does it all.

[Paul] It's done, it's done. It's over.

So at this point, you and the suspect exited the train

and made dinner plans? Is that right?

Yeah, that's right.

And not just one dinner, but, uh, quote,

"Weekly dinners every Sunday.

"No literally, every Sunday.

"I don't care if it's Christmas,

we are getting dinner that Sunday."

Yeah. That's correct.

[detective 2] And then you exchanged numbers

and asked, quote,

"Can white people and Black people be twins?

Someone call NASA. I feel like we're literally twins."

Yeah, and what, uh, what's the question?

Is it normal for you to act this way

towards complete strangers?

Uh-huh. Uh-huh.

Okay, I see where you could get confused there.

So, um, let me explain.

So, I feel like for the average person in society,

they sort of need to turn on

and off. Right?

Like, on... and then

they're off. And I have

this fun little thing where I, um,

I don't have that problem.

No. So I can

really make a deep,

close, beautiful bond with anyone, really.

All walks of life.

Yeah.

Which some people might call a "friend slut,"

but I actually call just being a delight.

So...

But that's-that's me.

Tell me about yourselves, please.

-[sighs] Uh-huh. -[detective 1] Okay, so

you feel close to this man?

W-Which?

-The perpetrator. -Oh, yes. Oh, my God.

You should have said that. 100%. Yeah.

You have a-a "deep, intimate connection" with this man?

Yeah, very much so. Definitely.

Good.

-Bring 'em in. -Hmm?

Who? Yes, bring 'em in.

Get in here. [laughs]

Who are these men?

Which one's the perpetrator?

-Hmm? Uh-- out of, out of these? -Mm-hmm.

[Anton] It's just...

hard when they all look so similar.

♪ ♪

[Issa] Ooh, what about Davis?

He's into foot stuff, bondage, piss play.

-Oh, and he's close to his twin. -Aww.

Okay, very close.

-Oh, you like that? Oh, my God! -[both gasp]

It's a connection.

Okay, can you win Feeld?

Yeah, you can. It's the Space Mountain picture.

Yeah, I know, my boobs are just, like, up.

-Up, yeah, I know. Yeah. -[doorbell rings]

Hmm.

Seriously, one of the guys on here is going to give you

such an insane dick-down,

you won't even remember

that you're sad, jobless and in debt. Hmm?

-[door opens] -Hi.

[Ethan] Hey. I'm Anton's friend. Is he home?

[Issa] Um, no, but he should be home any minute.

-Do you want to come wait inside? -[door closes]

[whispers] Wait. Put your phone down. It's happening.

What is?

-You're gonna fuck this man. -What?

Wow.

-I know. -[inhales]

You know, your mailbox is really full.

-Oh. [laughs] -Yeah.

Yeah, we're kind of, like, saving that

for, like, a weekend project,

-so... -Cool.

-[whispers] He's so hot. -I know.

-You literally manifested... -Yeah, I...

Um, c-- do you want to come sit down?

-Uh, sure. -Please, come on.

-Ooh, wow. So strong. -[Ethan chuckles]

[sighs] So...

Hi. Billie.

Ethan.

So, how do you know Anton?

Oh, uh...

He's my best friend in the world.

[blows raspberry] Yeah. Isn't he everybody's?

[mouths]

-Um... -Uh...

Wine?

-Sure. -[both laugh]

[Issa] You know, I want you to feel at home,

I want you to relax.

We also have some weed, as well as some PCP

that we've been saving for a very special night.

No, I did it once, I had the most productive night

of my life. Oh, my God, hey.

-Oh, wait, hi, sweetie. -[sighs] Hi.

Ugh. Hi.

Anton.

Have we-- I'm so sorry, have we met?

Anton, it's Ethan.

I-I don't--

Your friend Ethan?

[Issa] Oh, my God. He does this.

-[ringing] -[fading] Okay, he makes friends with everyone,

but now it's become this whole thing.

-Anton? -[clears throat]

Is everything okay?

Sorry. Just have to use the restroom.

Okay, he has a very small bladder.

[indistinct chatter]

-Absolutely ginormous. -Wow. -Yeah.

-Um, so... -Wait, so, where are you from?

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

[whispers] Oh, fuck, fuck.

-You ask, you ask. -I did the last one. No.

-Please. -Nope.

Hi, do you guys want to purchase a shotgun?

-Shotgun? -No way.

[Russian accent] My friend.

-Big gun, good price. -Crazy.

Don't tell, don't tell the guy in there about us.

-[phone buzzes] -What's up?

-[regular accent] Anton wants us to bring home gum. -Mm.

Look, I-- yeah, I got some.

Okay, sick, that would've been, like, a whole thing.

-Miss, shotgun? -[screams]

-Whoa, whoa. Ah. -Sorry.

Tight, tight, tight jacket and oh, my God.

-Billie, look at these arms. -Wow, I love your tattoo.

I was literally thinking about getting one.

Did it hurt?

I don't know.

-I don't really feel pain. -[gasps]

-Wow. -Wait, that's so real.

[whispering] Hey, Billie. Billie.

-Hey, Bill... -[both mouthing]

[softly] Yeah, yeah.

[choking sounds]

-Anton? -Yeah, mm-hmm? Mm-hmm?

Are you still making me paella?

-Duh. -[laughter]

What?

Um, can I talk to you guys for a second?

Yeah, you two. Would be great. Yeah.

Let me steal you away.

-Come with me. -Right now?

-Yep, right now! [laughs] -Okay, okay.

[Anton laughs]

Right now, girls.

[Issa] We're gonna be right back, so...

[Anton] Follow me.

-Stop it, stop, stop. Stop. -[Anton] In the car. In the car.

-Oh, my God. No, he is so hot. -He's perfect.

-His eyes are like... -Go. Get in the car.

-Get in the car. -Oh, my God!

-Jesus Christ, Anton. -Fuck.

-Okay. -[Billie] Okay. God.

-He's so hot. -I know.

-Oh, my God. -Anton, what are you doing?

Billie is trying to fuck that guy.

Believe me, okay, she's not.

-Okay, no listen... -No... -Hi, um,

we're at 80-03 Forest Street.

Um, the Bayside Stabber is sitting on my couch.

What are you talking ab...

-[indistinct voice over phone] -Uh-huh.

[dispatcher] Sir, how did they get into your house?

-Oh, oh, my God. -What?

I may have let him follow me on Find My Friends,

and for that I am so deeply sorry.

-You have a problem, Anton! -Okay, you might be right.

No, not you. No, please.

No, I feel a connection with you. Already, yep.

Oh, my God!

Why are you like this?

[door opens]

-Anton. -[both scream]

No, no, no, no. He's coming, he's coming towards us.

-Oh, my God. -He's coming towards us, he's coming...

It's Sunday, man. We doing dinner or what?

-Tell him to leave, Anton. -[Issa] Seriously, he's a stabber.

-You can let him hate you. -Okay, okay, yeah.

Are you guys heading out?

[Issa quietly] Yes, yes.

I'll come with.

-Yeah, totally. Hop in. -[Ethan] Okay.

-I'll go around back. -What the fuck? Lock the door.

Well, he's getting in the car now, so...

[crying] I don't want him to get in the car.

[Issa] Come on, please.

[Ethan] Hey, can you pop the trunk?

-I've got this bag. -Hey, he's not your friend.

You can tell him he's not your friend.

-I obviously can't do that, Issa! -Yes, you can.

I believe in you. We believe in you, don't we?

Tell him. Tell him, Anton.

Tell...

Anton?

-Anton. -Anton, what are you doing?

[Issa] Do not run over this man, Anton.

Do not run over this man.

Anton, no, no, don't--

do not run over this man!

-[all screaming] -[crunching]

What did you do?

Are you crazy?

Something in me is broken.

I just need to be everything for everyone,

and now I just killed a man!

[muffled crying]

I'm so tired, I'm so tired, I'm so fucking tired.

Oh, my-- I am so...

-Why am-- -What the fuck, dude?

-[screaming] -Oh, my fucking God!

Okay, fucking do it. Just do it.

[clears throat]

Hey. Um... [exhales]

I...

I don't want to be friends with you.

I'm really sorry.

You could've just said that.

Totally.

-[Issa] Oh, my God. -[Billie] The police.

-[Anton] Go, go, go. -Hey! Officer!

-He's over there! -That's him, Officer.

[Billie] He's standing over there.

-I'm so sorry. -[indistinct radio chatter]

What's going on?

Unbelievably sorry about that.

-[Billie] He ran into the alley. -[Issa] Come on.

-There's a man there. -[officer] We got visual

on the Bayside Stabber.

-In pursuit. -Chase him hard!

-He doesn't feel pain. -[Paul] Wait, what?

That's the Stabber?

-Yeah. -I know. And Billie almost fucked him.

But it was too much too fast.

-Yeah, way too much. -Yeah.

Fucking a stabber is, like, a nine.

You want to start at, like, a six.

Yeah, a six or a five.

-[Issa] Ooh, a five, yeah. -Yeah.

Give me your phone.

Give it.

Okay. Ready?

Red Shirt Tall Guy.

-Delete. -Mm.

-Michelle Elevator. -[both] Delete.

Goodbye, Michelle.

-Scarf Guy, Kind Eyes. -[Billie] Bye.

-No, keep. Keep. Kind. He's kind. -[Issa] No. No.

-That doesn't mean anything. Delete. -No.

[Issa] Joe with the Lea-- oh, my God, you know Joe with the Leash?

[Anton] Yeah, but he never walks you.

[Issa] Oh! That is correct. Delete.

-Okay. -[Billie] Wait, so what happened with you guys?

[Issa] Oh, yeah, what did happen to you guys?

-[Paul] Oh... -[Samir] It's like a...

-Don't even worry about it. -[laughter]

[Issa] Okay, Flight Attendant Straight?

Delete. Why would you keep a straight man?

[Anton groans] No, dude, he's hot.

-[Issa] Ok-- too bad. -"Dude"?

-[Issa] Man? -[Anton] I suddenly,

I almost get stabbed and I become a bro?

[Billie] That can happen after traumatic incidents.

-[laughter] -[Paul] Oh, Anton, I got your gum.

♪ Yeah, I was inside ♪

♪ Yeah, a Saturday night at home ♪

♪ And on the TV they never play no rock and roll ♪

♪ I got tired just gettin' up on my feet that day ♪

♪ I had to rock and roll a joint and have a green day ♪

-♪ Yeah ♪ -♪ Yeah, I was inside ♪

♪ Yeah, a Saturday night at home ♪

♪ And on the TV they never play no rock and roll ♪

♪ I got tired just gettin' up on my feet that day ♪

♪ I had to rock and roll a joint and have a green day. ♪

Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH access.wgbh.org

[man] Ha-ha. Good at bizness.