Original subtitles

[Billie] Please don't fire me. Please don't fire me.

Please don't fire me.

[knocks on door]

-Hi. -Hi. Peeing or pooping?

It started as pooping, but now I'm not sure what it is.

It started as pooping, but now I'm not sure what it is. -That's fine. That's most shits for me. -Okay, Samir, up. Okay,

-That's fine. That's most shits for me. -Okay, Samir, up. Okay,

you're sure, right? Because if I had this much body hair, I would flaunt it.

I know you would, Issa. It's very brave of you.

But no, this girl says she wants me smooth as a sperm cell.

Ew, what?

-It's sickening. But still... -What the hell?

-...like, she's cute, you know? So... -Okay. Lean back.

[Samir] Okay. Ow.

-You okay, Bills? -Yeah, no, I'm fine. I just...

-I need to hear from work. -Oh, my God, Billie.

You're not gonna get fired.

You're not gonna get fired. Guys, I threatened my boss. I told him to be careful around me.

Guys, I threatened my boss. I told him to be careful around me.

Even if they do fire you, what is the worst that happens?

Uh, I go broke. I can't pay my loans.

I start an OnlyFans, but only you guys subscribe.

-You can't do OnlyFans. -You wouldn't make it on there.

Ow. I think there might be actually something wrong.

-Not against the grain. -One second.

-His shaving cream. -Oh, so true. Thank you.

-Don't go against the grain. -Sorry.

-What's wrong? Period cramps? -No, she's two weeks out.

-Oh, I'm sorry, Bills. Okay, open up. -What?

I'm gonna pee between your legs. You've been in here all day.

-Anton, no. What? -He's the best at that.

-No, you let him pee through your legs? -All the time.

We call it "log fluming" 'cause she's usually dropping one--

-Anton, just go downstairs! -No! That bathroom scares me.

-Ow! Guys! -Okay, Billie, breathe, okay?

You're just stressing yourself out over nothing.

-I accidentally made a swastika. -No, you didn't.

-Don't worry, I'm gonna salvage it. -Don't worry? Don't salvage.

-Gosh. -[Samir] Don't. Just delete.

[Samir stammers] The whole point was just to get rid of everything.

-Anton, just keep refreshing. I need to-- -Anton, don't pee

-in my parents' shower, please! Anton, stop. -Stop yelling. I need to focus.

-I don't feel great about this either. -Stop. Oh, my God. Samir.

-Mistakes were made. Have to make a call. -You're done.

-[gasps] -[screams]

Which hole did that come from?

The wrong one.

[screams]

-You don't have a prostate, right? -No.

-No. No, I know. -[Issa] Hi,

I'm here to see Billie Schaeffer,

the beautiful careerist with the bleeding asshole.

Relationship to patient?

Oh, actually, this one's fun. Okay,

so Billie grew up with Samir, and then Samir and I went to college together.

And then, actually... You're gonna die... [chuckles] ...at this.

So junior year, Anton enters the picture,

and now the friend group is finally, like, full, it feels like,

-'cause it has like-- -I'll just put "friend."

Oh, totally. Thanks.

Samir, breathe. I'm fine.

I know. Anton said it could just be post-anal drip.

-Yeah, he's fucking with you. -Oh, he's fucking with me.

Billie. Hi. Hi, sweetie. Here, here, here's your thing.

Uh, don't even worry.

I just swung by work. I took the whole week off.

I just swung by work. I took the whole week off. -Oh, no, please don't do that. -No. No, no. It's totally, totally fine.

-Oh, no, please don't do that. -No. No, no. It's totally, totally fine.

Guys, I'm fine. It's just a colonoscopy. Dads get them all the time.

What's your weight, Bills?

Anton.

-What? It's for the anesthesia. -Still, it's fucked up that they ask.

Billie, we're ready for you.

You can just leave the forms for now.

We just need you to choose your proxy.

-My... -Someone who can make medical decisions

-My... -Someone who can make medical decisions for you in case of emergency.

for you in case of emergency.

Oh. Huh. Uh...

Um...

-I will do it. -[stammers] See, I mean, you--

Billie, I'm so great in emergency situations. You know this.

Remember when I got stung by all those bees?

-Uh-huh. -Mm-mmm.

Or I could.

-Yeah? -I mean, I-I could do it.

-Yeah? Yeah. -Yeah.

-Uh... No. -Okay. Great. Yeah. Okay. Samir's got it.

-Wait, what? No. -Okay, do not worry about me.

Samir, you've got this. Issa, go to work.

Anton, keep refreshing my phone for work emails.

Like, if... You can wake me up, honestly,

-if anything comes through. -Good luck, Bills.

-[Anton] Love you. -Love you.

Open wide.

[exhales sharply]

Guess I'm the guy. [chuckles]

[smacks lips] Anton, if you had to pick a proxy, you would obviously--

Don't do this to yourself.

It's not gonna end well.

And we inspect the lining of the colon.

Okay, got it. And you know she's allergic to sesame?

What is he even saying?

Can I use your card then?

I feel like I should be taking notes. Samir's not even...

-Hey, Iss. -Hi.

-Finally. You're here. -Hi, baby. Hi.

I'm sorry I'm late. The F train was a mess.

-How's it going? -Truly? Horrible.

-Really? -Yeah. Billie didn't pick me as her proxy,

even though I am literally the nexus of this friend group.

[chuckles]

Totally, yes. Uh, meant more like, how's Billie doing?

Totally, yes. Uh, meant more like, how's Billie doing? Oh, I mean, she's touch and go.

Oh, I mean, she's touch and go.

-What? -What? I don't know what that means.

I'm just trying to tell you, I feel unseen, Paul Baker.

-Okay, I see you. I see you. Okay. -Do you? Yeah.

-Hey. -Hey.

-Hey. -Hey. So she's not up yet, but, uh, I talked to the doctor and she's gonna be fine.

So she's not up yet, but, uh, I talked to the doctor and she's gonna be fine.

-Oh, thank God. -That's good.

-W-W-What was wrong? -They don't even know what was wrong.

-What? -I know.

-What? What do you mean they don't know? -Yeah. I mean,

they want her back in two weeks, obviously, for an endoscopy.

-It's like a throat scope thing. -Mm-hmm.

And, uh, yeah, insurance is gonna cover the whole thing.

Bada bing bada boom. Taken care of. Managed it. No worries.

[sighs]

What?

No, nothing, nothing.

Nothing?

I mean, she-she might not have insurance in two weeks, but...

She might not have insurance in two weeks, Samir.

-What? -She's insured through work.

[stammers] ...through work, Samir.

So we have to get this done today,

otherwise she's gonna owe, like, a million dollars when she is out of work.

-[Issa exhales sharply] -Mm-hmm.

-I'm gonna have to deal with this. -No, no, Issa,

you're gonna make it worse.

-You're not doing anything. -Okay. Well, she picked me, Iss.

-I'm the praxis. -Proxy.

Proxy.

[scoffs] Okay.

Eat your fucking Twix.

Baby, come on.

-Okay, I got this. I got this. -Of course.

She picked you.

-She picked me, so I got this. -Yeah. She picked you.

-You're her "pick me" girl. -I got this.

Good luck.

-Yeah, that's gonna go poorly. -Yeah. [sighs]

Mm-hmm.

-You wanna race wheelchairs? [chuckles] -Fuck yeah.

Here, this is yours.

-Thank you. -You're welcome.

-12-lead ECG. -Corners!

[chattering]

So, we got Owens...

Dr. Powell? Dr. Powell. Hi. Hi.

What's... Uh, your friend is not out yet. We'll get you when she's ready.

No, just-just... just real quick, just...

Sorry, the-the test that you had mentioned,

the, uh... [stammers] Uh...

-Endoscopy. -No, you... Sorry, I wrote it down, um...

No, you're right, endoscopy. Could we maybe just do that today,

you know, while you're in there?

While I'm in there?

I don't know where it is, but could you--

You should go back to the waiting room. Your friend can call the office tomorrow.

She can't. No, she can't, because she has this insurance thing...

She can ask the front desk about insurance.

-It's gonna... -Kid, she'll be okay.

So we need to prep Owens.

-Let's get charts on Mr. Clemente. And... -Hey.

Hey!

[swallows, smacks lips]

I'm-I'm the proxy, okay? And my friend, she needs her test done today.

So... [stammers] 'Cause I'm the guy, so can we...

Can we just get her done, okay?

Stat!

Okay.

Uh, let's give her a bolus of midazolam, and we'll go combination endo.

Yeah, bolus of midazolam. Yes. Thank you.

[breathes deeply]

Holy shit. [breathes deeply] Okay.

[door opens]

You guys are doing great stuff.

-Wow. -I just used the word. I was like, "Stat,"

-and then they just did what I said. -Damn.

I yelled at, like, a full-grown doctor.

-[chuckles] -Loud.

-I feel pretty crazy. I feel different. -[Anton chuckles]

-Yep. -[both chuckling]

[Paul] Look at you go.

So, wait, so you got them to do the throat scope

and the colonoscopy at the same time?

Yeah. Yeah.

[sighs] You know, it's whatever.

Yeah, like a... [stammers] ...like a spit roast.

Like, Billie will have the tube in her mouth and then the tube up her bottom.

No. No, it's not a spit roast. It's... It's different. It's not that.

How's it... How's it different?

-It's medicine. It's a hospital. -[Paul] Right.

-Totally, yeah. -[phone dings]

Uh, what is it?

-Billie's phone. -Oh, shit. Did her boss email?

No, no, no, I've been refreshing. It's just a bunch of Dunkin' rewards

and Sims 4 receipts.

You guys, she paid for the career pack. Do you know how sad this is?

-Ready? -Yes, Eugene, we've been ready.

-Ready. -Back up.

-We've been waiting for you. Get back. -Get set. Go!

-Wait, wait! Wait, you guys. -Eat shit, Paul Baker!

No, this is not good. These tires are bald.

[Issa] Mmm.

Uh, sorry, if you could just walk around.

-Oh, thank you, dear. -No problem.

Are you...

Is this a church?

-We're a nondenominational chapel, yes. -[gasps]

So people can just, like, come in here and vent to you?

-Yes. Unfortunately, I have to go, though. -[sighs]

I'm administering last rites.

Okay, yeah, totally. Get that. No rush at all.

But how long does that normally take? Just like a ballpark?

Right. Uh, let me ask, do you belong to a faith, dear?

Um, okay, so I would consider myself more spiritual, uh,

but I am afraid of Christian hell because I did shrooms once and I went there.

-Oh, dear. -I know.

You know, there's one friend who always listens.

Hi... [sighs] ...nondenominational God.

I guess I just wanted to say that...

I'm having, like, the worst time at this hospital today.

And I know that sounds cringe

'cause there are, like, cancer kids here, but I'm just like... [inhales sharply]

[groans] My friends just weren't taking me seriously.

They... They don't trust me with their lives.

They won't let Paul Baker move in, even though he is a sexually-fluid delight.

Like...

[sighs]

It's like... You know what it is?

It's like they want me around so I can fix their makeup

or flash my tits at a rave so Samir's cousin can get in,

but they don't actually, like, see me.

[sighs] When are they gonna realize that I am more than my personality?

-[sighs] -[machine beeping]

Please, please, please, please, please, stay with me.

-[steady beep] -[sobs] Stay with me!

-[sobbing] -[defibrillator beeps]

-Clear! [breathing heavily] -[gasps, breathing heavily]

-Was that too much? -Too much? Who? You or me?

Oh, my God. No, me? You were perfect.

No. You were so dropped-in. You're a great scene partner.

-Stop it. -Thank you, Cheryl. Good luck in court.

Full custody. [exhales sharply]

Dude, today has been so fun. Hospitals in Canada are never this cool.

[grunts] Neither are hospitals here. This is more a me thing.

This is, like, what I bring to a space.

-Hi. [chuckles] -[chuckles]

-Hey. -[chuckles] How are my gays and theys?

Again, babe, I'm cis.

And again, you don't have to decide that now.

-Okay. -[chuckles] Look at you.

-Someone took off her pissy pants. -[chuckles]

-Yeah, well, I talked to an old friend. -Mmm.

-Okay, I'm gonna go set up gauze ball. -Okay, yeah, great.

-[smacks lips] Crazy thought. -Uh-huh.

Should Paul Baker move in?

Um, yes. I say that, like, every day. [gasps]

Yeah. Totally. Great.

-Anton. -Yeah?

I literally say that, like, three times a day.

No, I-I know, and I'm now agreeing with you.

No, you're presenting it as if you never heard it before.

Okay, well, Issa, you say a lot of things.

So I sort of scrub through them for words like "danger," "fire," "Anton."

-Does literally no one listen when I talk? -We are listening.

Okay, Anton, gauze ball is ready.

[squeals, chuckles]

[Anton] Wait, do we need anything besides gauze?

What the fuck is this day?

[stammers] Am I in Christian hell?

I'm telling you, you just got to up in their face around here

Like, if you want to be seen, you just make 'em see you,

you know what I mean?

You're listening, bro. Oh, your arm.

-Samir? -[groans]

It's like as soon as I sit down. This place. [grunts]

So your friend's endoscopy is wrapping up. Everything's fine,

So your friend's endoscopy is wrapping up. Everything's fine, but the doctor wants to make sure that the bleeding isn't cervical in nature,

but the doctor wants to make sure that the bleeding isn't cervical in nature,

so your friend should schedule another test in two months.

-Two months? -Yes.

-Howard, Howard. -Sir, we can't keep having you back here!

-Howard, Howard. -Sir, we can't keep having you back here! -What are we doing here? What am I hearing about a cervix? -Excuse me. Hi.

-What are we doing here? What am I hearing about a cervix? -Excuse me. Hi.

-Hi. -Your friend is fine.

She can schedule that test for a few months from now.

A few months from... Hey, she might not have insurance in a few months.

That's not very stat, Howard.

Do you know who that is in there? That's Billie fucking Schaeffer, okay.

I'm aware of my patient's name.

[sighs] Howard. [chuckles] Man, I don't wanna raise my voice again.

There's all these people around. I don't wanna be that guy.

[smacks lips] Your friend is gonna be okay.

Howard, run the test! Run the test! Run the test!

-Trish? -Trish!

-Prep the vaginoscopy. -Prep it!

Uh-huh. Hmm.

Hey, so, uh, all three are just...

they're gonna be in there at the same time?

-These are the tests you ordered. -Right, right.

And can we take the first two out, or...

No. Medically speaking, it's best they kiss in the middle.

What middle?

Hey...

[Samir] Oh, no.

Howard, I made a mistake. Howard, Howard, Howard. The proxy says stop.

Hi, Bills.

-Hey, Billie. -[Anton, Billie] Hi.

[Anton] How are you? You look gorgeous.

Quick, Samir, film this in case she says something good.

What? No.

I think Martin Luther King would have liked me.

Goddamn it, Samir.

Hey, Bills, you're all good, okay? All the tests came back normal.

All the tests?

Yeah, there were multiple tests.

Yeah, they said you were just clenching, my love. So it was just a stress thing.

Yeah, it's just a stress thing.

-[machine beeps] -[Anton] And on the plus side,

they said you have the tightest, cutest little asshole they've ever seen.

So that is a win. They see a lot of assholes, so sit with that, seriously.

[inhales sharply] Did work email?

Hmm? Oh.

No. Nope.

[clicks tongue] Ugh.

Nothing has come in all day. I've been checking. [chuckles]

Samir, can I talk to you for a second? Just over here would be great.

-I love you. -[chuckles] Love you.

-No, it's not. No, it's not. -It is. It is.

-No, what's it say? -I don't know. You look. You're the proxy.

-You're the guy. Come on, take it. -What's it say?

-Read it. -Oh. What's wrong?

No, not now, please.

"Inappropriate behavior towards a supervisor."

"Inappropriate behavior towards a supervisor." -No! -[gasps]

-No! -[gasps]

-"Contract terminated immediately." -No.

Mm-hmm. Yep.

And then if I was a girl, I was gonna be Sue Baker. How crazy?

-Okay, who's gonna tell her? -[gasps]

I don't know. This is her worst nightmare.

She's gonna fucking Birdman herself out the window.

- Birdman? I've never seen that. -I've never seen that either.

I've never seen it either. Anton, can you please tell her?

What? No, she chose you, and you loved stepping up.

Just tell her quickly. I'm delegating, and I need you to tell her.

-Delegating? Samir, it's time... -Anton, I am at capacity.

-No, you-- -I told you I--

-Capacity? She actually-- -I'll do it.

I'll tell her. Because I am a serious person who can tell someone serious news.

Okay?

-Yeah. -Yeah.

-Yeah. -Yeah. -[Issa exhales sharply] -Great.

-[Issa exhales sharply] -Great.

[sighs]

I hate when they have celebrities on Sesame Street.

-Totally. It's just not their place. -Hi.

-Hey. -Hi. Hi, Bills.

-Presenting my friends. -Oh, sweetie pie. Presenting me.

Okay, so, um, quick update.

Work did email, and you did get fired after all.

I know. I know. [sighs]

And they are going to regret it so hard when you are up on stage,

the first blonde president.

Hey, but hey, listen to me.

Um, I know it sucks, and I'm so, so sorry.

Oh.

Well, thanks for telling me, Iss.

Um, totally. [chuckles] Always.

I love you.

I love you.

Who's the proxy now, bitch?

Wait, I just realized something.

-[Paul] What? -[Samir] What?

Papa Johns rhymes with "pizza." It's a play on words.

-[gasps] Oh. She's still high. -She's still high.

-Here you go. Just drink that up. -[Anton] Yeah. Yeah.

[sniffing]

-[Paul] Here. -[groans] I smell like a waiting room.

-[sniffs] Oh, no, I love it. -You do?

Yeah, you smell like, uh, Lysol and the human condition.

-[gasps] Really? -Mm-hmm.

[chuckles]

Samir. We should let him move in.

Paul Baker?

Yeah, he's sweet in, like, a three-legged dog kind of way.

Yeah.

I mean, I'm done deciding stuff today.

Great, we'll say it was Issa's idea.

Okay, let her have it.

[Anton] Mm-hmm. [laughs]

So today was not my best.

-No. You? With the ass blood? -[sighs]

I literally sent myself to the hospital because of a work email.

-Yeah. -I mean, that is mortifying.

It's not good.

I'm done. I'm unclenching.

-Yeah? -Yeah.

I'm starting from scratch with a looser, freer asshole.

I like that. You should get T-shirts made.

Thank you. It's quite profound.

Thank you. It's quite profound. -It's really nice. -[chuckles]

-It's really nice. -[chuckles]

Okay, do you want to come up? I can carry you.

No, I'm gonna crash down here and finish my toast.

Okay. You got this, Bills.

Yeah, who needs a job? [chuckles]

Yeah, fuck it. Who needs health insurance?

[scoffs] Not me. I didn't have any anyway.

[both chuckle]

What?

What? Yeah, I was a contractor. You think that job would give me health insurance?

Yeah, I was a contractor. You think that job would give me health insurance?

[phone beeps]

[Billie] What...

Why do I have a hospital bill for $15,000?

Why do I have a hospital bill for $15,000? [inhales sharply] Um...

[inhales sharply] Um...

They said that it was best if they kiss in the middle.

Okay, so like...