All language subtitles for Snatch.2000.BluRay.1080p.TrueHD.Atmos.7.1.AVC.HYBRID.REMUX-FraMeSToR.English

[narrator] My name is Turkish.

Funny name for an Englishman, I know.

My parents to be were on the same plane
when it crashed. That's how they met.

They named me after the name of the plane.

Not many people are named
after a plane crash.

That's Tommy.

He tells people he was named after a gun.

But I know he was really named
after a famous 19th-century ballet dancer.

Known him for as long as I can remember.
He's my partner.

Doesn't mean we hold hands or take walks.

What it really means is

I try to keep him out of as much trouble
as he inflicts on me.

I give him a hard time.
Keeps him in check.

But, really, he's like my brother.

What do I know about diamonds?
I'm a boxing promoter.

I was a happy boxing promoter
until a week ago, and then:

What do I know about diamonds?

Don't they come from Antwerp?

[Joseph] Himy, would you listen to this?

[Himy] Do we have a choice?

[Mutti] A lot of it wasn't meant
to be taken literally.

It's a nice story, Adam and Eve.

It's bound with moral fibre,

but asking a grown man to believe it?

[beeping]

[guard] What is it?

Well, what is it?

[Mutti] What you want I should do,
drop my pants?

[guard] Okay, go through.

[Joseph] It's a nice story.

[Mutti] It's just that. Just a story.

Catholic religion is based
on a mistranslation.

[Mimy] Enough already.
Ruben, will you say something?

[Mutti] Listen to this. Are you busy?
I'll tell you the whole story.

The Septuagint scholars mistranslated
the Hebrew word for "young woman"

into the Greek word for "virgin."

It was an easy mistake to make

because there was only
a subtle difference in the spelling.

[traditional Jewish music playing]

So, they came up with a prophecy:

"Behold, the virgin shall conceive
and bear us a son."

You understand this? It was the word
"virgin" that caught people's attention.

It's not every day a virgin conceives
and bears a son.

[elevator dings]

[Mutti] But leave that for a couple
of hundred years to stew

and next thing you know
you have the Holy Catholic Church.

[Joseph] Oy vey, what are you saying?

[Mutti] I'm saying,
just because it's written

doesn't make it so.

Gives them hope. It's not really important
whether it's fact or fiction.

People like to believe.

[Joseph] I don't want to hear any more.

Anyway, who is it that we're seeing?

- [Mutti] Michael.
- [man 1] Hello?

- Who's there?
- Mutti.

[man 2] Rudy!
Rud, Rud, let them in, please.

[door buzzes]

Rud, it's okay, let them through.

- Michael.
- [Michael] Mutti.

You have kept us waiting for half an hour.
Are you trying to give me heartburn?

Mutti. Mutti?

["Supermoves" playing]

Lie down on the floor.

[speaking indistinctly]

Get on the floor!

Lie on the floor!

Get on the fucking floor!

Get down! Get fucking down!

Down on the floor! Get down!

On the ground!

Get down, I say!

- Time.
- [Himy] Seven minutes!

Where is the stone?

Where is the stone?

Where is the stone?

Michael, where is the stone?

["Diamond" playing]

When does your plane leave?

Twenty minutes.

Give me your gun.

When you get to London,

if you want a gun,

call this number.

[traditional Russian music playing]

- Boris.
- [Russian] Boris.

He can get you anything you need.

Is he allowed to do that?

It's an unlicensed boxing match.
It's not a tickling competition.

These lads are out to hurt each other.

What's happening
with those sausages, Charlie?

Two minutes, Turkish.

Look at it. How am I supposed
to run this thing from that?

We're gonna need a proper office.

I want a new one, Tommy.
You're going to buy it for me.

Why me?

Well, you know about caravans.

How's that?

You spent a summer in one.
Which means you know more than me.

And I don't want to have me pants
pulled down over the price.

What's wrong with this one?

Oh, nothing, Tommy.

It's tiptop.

It's just, I'm not sure about the colour.

It's all arranged.
You just got to pick it up.

Here's an address.

It's a campsite.

You've got 10 grand,
and it would be nice to see change.

What's happening
with them sausages, Charlie?

Five minutes, Turkish.

It was two minutes five minutes ago.

They ain't pikeys, are they?

I fucking hate pikeys.

You're a sensitive boy, Tommy.

Fuck me. Hold tight.

- What's that?
- It's me belt, Turkish.

No, Tommy. There's a gun in your trousers.

- What's a gun doing in your trousers?
- It's for protection.

Protection from what?

"Zee" Germans?

What's to stop it blowing
your bollocks off every time you sit down?

- Where did you get it?
- Boris The Blade.

You mean,
Boris the sneaky, fucking Russian.

Heavy, isn't it?

[Boris] Heavy is good.

Heavy is reliable.

If it doesn't work,
you can always hit him with it.

[Turkish] Boris The Blade
or Boris The Bullet-Dodger.

As bent as the Soviet sickle
and hard as the hammer that crosses it.

Apparently, it's just impossible
to kill the bastard.

Back to my partner, Tommy.

Tommy runs the other business,

the slot machines,

which keeps rain off our heads
and gloves on Gorgeous' hands.

However, Tommy's a little preoccupied
with protection at present.

All right, I'll take it.

There's a reason for Tommy's
newfound enthusiasm for firearms.

Sooner or later,
in the unlicensed boxing world,

you have to deal with that reason:

Brick Top.

If that's not worth a bet,
I don't know what is.

- He doesn't look bad, does he?
- No, he looks great.

He'll do you proud, governor.

You reckon that's what people should do
for me, Gary? Do me proud?

It's what you deserve, Mr. Pulford.

Pull your tongue out of my arsehole, Gary.

Dogs do that.

You're not a dog, are you, Gary?

No. No, I'm not.

However...

you do have all the characteristics
of a dog, Gary.

All except loyalty.

It's rumoured that his favourite means
of dispatch involves a stun gun,

a plastic bag, a roll of tape,
and a pack of hungry pigs.

You're a ruthless little cunt, Liam.
I'll give you that.

But I got no time for grouses.

[Liam grunting]

Feed him to the pigs, Errol.

[ominous music playing]

What the fuck are you two looking at?

If you got to deal with him, you just
make sure you don't end up owing him.

Because then you're in his debt.

Which means, you're in his pocket.

And once you're in that,
you ain't ever coming out.

[Brick Top] I hear he's a good fighter,
so I'll use him.

I'll be doing you a favour, boy.

What he means is, I'm doing him a favour.

Because everybody knows nobody takes
a dive in my fights. Unlike his.

Here, Errol, I don't think he likes me.

You don't like me, do you, boy?

Don't know what you mean.

I do know I can't wait to get out of here.
Fuck me, it stinks.

I like my fights to finish prompt
so we can get out

before the authorities find out.

Play your cards right
and I'll sort you out.

You can sort me out by showing me out.

It's hard to make a living
in the boxing world,

so every now and then,

you gotta do something
that might not agree with your principles.

Basically, you have to forget you got any.

Are they Lancashire pigs?

Who the fuck's talking to you, boy?

Oh, yeah, Tommy. Brick Top loves Tommy.

Don't let me down.

You don't want to let me down,
do you, boy?

See you ringside.

Boris, Franky-fucking-Four Fingers

has a diamond the size of a fist.

I have told you it's in the briefcase
connected to his arm.

I sent him to you to buy a gun.

What more do you want me to do,
hit him for you?

But don't you hit him either.

Americans can't know it was Russian.

It will come back to me.

[speaks in Russian]

Boris, you're my brother,
so think like my brother!

Get somebody else to steal that stone!

I don't want it getting back to me.

And don't have him killed.
It will raise suspicion.

So don't use idiots for the job.

He'll stay in London only for a couple
of days before he goes to New York,

so move quick. Okay?

[speaks in Russian]

One more thing.

It might help.

He loves to gamble.

Eighty-six karats?

[Franky] Brilliant cut, beautiful make.

Clean, no fluorescence. A beautiful stone.

[Avi] You're a good boy, Franky.

A good boy. And you did a real good job.
Now when do you get back?

I got to move the two-grainers here
and get a better price. Couple of days.

- Talk to my cousin Dougie.
- Doug The Head?

Yeah, Doug The Head.

And, Franky...

- And what?
- Stay out of those casinos.

["Viva Las Vegas" playing]

You did a good job, bubbe.

- Don't go screwing it up, all right?
- I hear you, Avi.

I'll see you, Avi.

Eighty-six karats.

- Where?
- London.

- London?
- London.

- London?
- Yes, London.

You know, fish, chips, cup o' tea,

bad food, worse weather,
Mary-fucking-Poppins. London!

No, Paulie, that ain't for me.

That's Doug The Head.
Everybody knows Doug The Head.

If it's stones and it's stolen,
he's the man to speak to.

Pretends he's Jewish.

Wishes he was Jewish.

Even tells his family they're Jewish,

but he's about as Jewish
as he is a fucking monkey.

- [ringtone playing "Hava Nagila"]
- He thinks it's good for business.

- And in the diamond business...
- [Avi] Doug?

- ...it is good for business.
- Avi!

He'll be there today.
Take care of him, will you?

Avi, you know I won't buy schtrops.

He isn't selling schtrops.
Make it smaller.

Who do you take me for? This is England.

We play by the rules.

Listen to me.

If the stones are kosher,
then I'll buy them, won't I?

Now, if you'll excuse me,
it's my lunchtime. Bye.

What are you doing here?

It's a free country, isn't it?

Well, it ain't a free shop, is it?

So fuck off.

[traditional Jewish music playing]

I want to see you two girls
up in my office.

I just had cousin Avi on the phone.

- You got to go see him.
- Yeah, Dad. You told us.

- He's a big mucker in New York.
- Yeah, Dad. You told us.

I want to see you two girls
up in my office.

[both] Yeah, Dad. You told us.

[in English]
The weight is sign of reliability.

I always go for reliability.

I'll take it.

How much do you want for it?

Nothing.

Okay. So, what do you want for it?

I want you to do something for me.

Hmm.

There is a fight in couple of days.

What kind of a fight?

Unlicensed boxing.

Aha.

There is a bookies I know
that will take bets.

["Viva Las Vegas" playing]

If you place one down for me,

we will call it quits.

- Why don't you put it down yourself?
- Well...

there is not too many bookies, uh,
that takes those kind of bets.

And I already have an outstanding debt
with the house.

I know something most don't.

So, nu?

What do you know?

[gypsy music playing]

[Gorgeous George] It's a campsite.
A pikey campsite.

- Ten points.
- What are we doing here?

- We're buying a caravan.
- Off a pack of fucking pikeys?

What's wrong with you?
This will get messy.

Not if you're here.

[Gorgeous George] Oh, you bastard.

I fucking hate pikeys.

[kid] That's a flash car, mister.

Not as flash as your bike, is it?

Who are you looking for?

[Tommy] Mr. O'Neil.

- Want me to get him?
- That's a good lad.

Piss off.

- Are you going to go get him for me?
- Yeah.

- What are you waiting for?
- The five quid you'll pay me.

Fuck off, I'll find him meself.

- [kid] Two fifty.
- [Tommy] You can have a quid.

Oh, you're a real tight fucker,
aren't you?

Now, there was a problem
with pikeys, or gypsies.

What're you doing?
Get out of the way, man.

You can't really understand
much of what is being said.

You Tommy? Come about the caravan?

- Mr. O'Neil.
- Fuck, man. Call me Mickey.

It's not Irish, it's not English.

- How are you?
- Weather's been kind.

It's just, well... It's just Pikey.

Fuck me. Would you look
at the size of him?

How big are you?

- Hey, kids, how big is he?
- Big man, that's for sure.

Hey, Mam, come and look
at the size of this fella.

Bet you box a little, can't you, sir?
You look like a boxer.

Get out of the way, Mickey.
See if they'd like a drink.

I could murder one.

Be no murdering done around here,
I don't mind telling you.

[Mickey] Get your hands out of there.

Cup of tea for the big fella?
Come on.

Don't be silly, Mickey.
Offer the man a proper drink.

You little bugger.

- Is the big fella not coming with us?
- No, he's minding the car.

- What does he think we are, thieves?
- No, nothing like that.

- He just likes looking after cars.
- Good dags. Do you like dags?

- Dags?
- What?

- Yeah, dags.
- Dags. You like dags?

Oh, dogs.

Sure, I like dags.

- I like caravans more.
- You're very welcome.

[grunting]

Now, pikeys are well-known for
their skills of negotiation in business.

It's probably the reason
they talk like they do,

so you can't follow what's being said.

But if Tommy can get the caravan
for less than the price asked,

on his return
there will be ice cream waiting.

- Good dog, good family.
- Ow!

[Mickey] He'll get a little homesick,
but he'll get over it.

See you later, lads. See you, boss.

- All right, Mickey. Laters.
- [engine starts]

I don't see what the fuss is about.

They aren't bad fellas.

[crashing noises]

[whimpering]

The deal was,
you bought it how you saw it.

Now, look, I've helped you as much
as I'm going to help you.

See that car? I suggest you use it.

You should fuck off now
while you still got the legs to carry you.

- Nobody...
- Nobody brings you

unless they're trying to say something
without talking, right, boy?

Sorry, Mickey, just give our money back
and you can keep your caravan.

Why the fuck do I want a caravan
that's got no fucking wheels?

- You want to settle this with a fight?
- Over my dead body.

Now, go on! Go on!

I'll not have you fighting! You know
what happens when you fight!

Get her to sit down.

For fuck's sake!

[gypsy music playing]

Want the money? I ain't fucked you.

I'll fight you for it. You and me.

[crowd clamouring]

So that's the kind of fight it'll be.

[Gorgeous George] You want to stay down.

You want to stay down!

Get back down and fucking stay down.

I promise you, you want to stay down.

Deadly kick for a fat fucker,
you know that?

Cheeky bastard.

- Okay, lads.
- [Darren] Get him on his feet.

[Gorgeous George] Get back down

or you will not be coming up next time.

Bollocks to you.

This is sick. I'm out of here.

You're not going anywhere, you thick lump.

You stay until the job's done.

["Golden Brown" playing]

♪ Golden brown texture like sun ♪

♪ Lays me down with my mind she runs ♪

♪ Throughout the night ♪

♪ No need to fight ♪

♪ Never a frown with golden brown ♪

[Turkish] It turned out that
the sweet-talking, tattoo-sporting pikey

was a gypsy bare-knuckle boxing champion.

Which makes him harder than a coffin nail.

Right now that's the last thing
on Tommy's mind.

If Gorgeous doesn't wake up
in the next few minutes,

Tommy knows he'll be buried with him.

Why would the gypsies want to go
to the trouble to explain

why a man died in their campsite?

Not when they can bury
the pair of them and just move camp.

It's not like they got
social security numbers, is it?

Tommy, "The Tit,"

is praying.

And if he isn't,

he fucking should be.

♪ Never a frown ♪

♪ With golden brown ♪

["Ghost Town" playing]

Bad Boy.

- Sol.
- [Bad Boy] Easy.

[Sol] No, it's a moissanite.

A what-anight?

A moissanite is
an artificial diamond, Lincoln.

It's Mickey Mouse, mate.

Spurious.

Not genuine.

And it's worth...

fuck-all.

Bad Boy, I keep telling you,
stick to being a gangster.

Leave this game to me and Sol.

Laters.

[dog whimpering]

What is that, Vince?

This is a dog, Sol.

You are not bringing that thing in here.

What's your problem?
It's only a fucking dog.

- Where'd you get it?
- The gyppos.

Here.

They threw it in
with a load of moody gold.

You know gyppos, Sol. They're always
throwing dogs in with deals.

Well, it better not be dangerous.

And what do you think you're doing now?

I want him to get used to the shop,
don't I?

[dog barking]

Oi. Stop the dog! Come back here!

All right, Boris?

- Don't worry about the dog.
- I'm not.

What can I do for you, Boris?

I have a job for you.

I already have a job.

Fifty grand for half a day's work.

Go on.

I want you to hold up a bookies.

Ah... From Russia with love, eh?

I have stones to sell,

fat to chew and many different men
to see about many different ducks,

so if I am not rushing you...

Slow down, Franky, my son. When in Rome.

I am not in Rome, Doug.

I am in a rush.

I got to make the bookies.

Bookies?

- What are you betting on?
- Bomber Harris.

Oh. The unlicensed boxer, right?

Do you know something that I don't?

Bubbe, I probably know a lot you don't.

- [Doug chuckling]
- ["Dreadlock Holiday" playing]

He's bad to the bone, ain't you, Tyrone?

Of course I am.

Tyrone will drive for us.
He's done a rally driving course.

Of course I have.

[engine starts]

I don't want that dog dribbling
on my seats.

Your seats?

Tyrone, this is a stolen car, mate.

While I'm at the wheel, it's my car,

so stop that dog dribbling
on my seats. All right?

I can't believe you found it.
Where'd it go?

It went straight back to the gyppos.

Oh, shut up. And how could it find them?

Well, I don't know. I'm not a dog, Sol.

Ask him.

It's like he's a fucking homing beacon
or something.

Steady on the brakes.

Fuck me, I thought you said
he could drive, Sol.

Listen, don't worry about me.
Just worry about that dog on my seats.

All right?

[dog whimpering]

- Hey.
- What?

I thought you said
he was a getaway driver.

What the fuck can he get away from?

Don't worry about Tyrone.
He can move when he has to.

Just worry about getting us a gun, yeah?

Yeah?

- What's that?
- Ha-ha.

This is a shotgun, Sol.

It's a fucking anti-aircraft gun, Vincent.

- I want to raise pulses, don't I?
- You'll raise hell, never mind pulses.

[jazzy music playing]

[Tyrone] That does not look
like a bookies.

Why'd we stop here for? What's the matter
with that space over there?

It's too tight.

Too tight?

You could land
a jumbo-fucking-jet in there.

Leave him alone.
He's a natural. Ain't you, Tyrone?

Of course I am.

A natural fucking idiot.
Tyrone, what've you done?

Yeah, Tyrone, what have you done?

Look, you hassle me, you see what happens.

It's all right. No, don't move it now.

People'll see the damage.
Why'd you do that?

I didn't see it there.

It's a four-ton truck, Tyrone.

It's not like it's a packet
of fucking peanuts, is it?

It was at a funny angle.

[dog growling and whimpering]

It's behind you, Tyrone.

Whenever you reverse,
things come from behind you.

Control that dog as well.

- Get that dog off him.
- Get it off me.

Give me that squeaky toy.
It shut him up last time.

[squeaking]

Oi. Don't snatch.

He can't swallow a whole ball.

Yeah.

[squeaking]

Why the fuck...

did you put Gorgeous George...

into a bare-knuckle boxing match...

two days before he had
to fight The Bomber?

He was half his size.
I didn't expect him to get hurt.

You put the man
into a bare-knuckle boxing match.

What the fuck did you expect?

A grease-down and a shiatsu?

Who took the jam out of your doughnut?

You took the fucking jam
out of my doughnut, Tommy.

You did.

You said get a good deal.

I fail to recognise the correlation

between losing 10 grand,
hospitalizing Gorgeous,

and a good deal.

How're we gonna explain this to Brick Top?

That his fight isn't gonna happen?

We replace the fighter.

Oh, and hope he doesn't notice?

And who the fuck
are we gonna replace him with?

What about John The Gun?

Or Mad Fist Willy?

You're not Mr. Current Affairs,
are you, Tommy?

Mad Fist went mad,

- and The Gun shot himself.
- [gunshot]

Jesus.

- What?
- Let's use the fucking pikey.

- How much you gonna pay us?
- Ten K.

Me bollocks.
Lose more than that running for the bus.

[speaking indistinctly]

All right.

I'll do it for a caravan.

A what?

[all] A caravan.

- [Mickey] Top of the range and all that.
- It was us that wanted a caravan.

Anyway, what's wrong with this one?

It's not for me. It's for me ma.

Your what?

[all] His ma.

[speaking indistinctly]

[jazzy music playing]

Brick Top runs an illegal bookies.

They take bets on anything
that involves blood and pain.

Now I'm changing fighters,

and Brick Top's gonna exploit
the situation.

He's gonna pull my pants down,
grease me up,

and aim for penetration.

If I didn't have the replacement pikey,

he'd want to split me in half.

They could charm the paint off walls,
these fellas.

Look mean now,
you hairy fucker, won't you?

[dog barking]

Shits himself
when you put him in the ring.

Poke him with a stick,
you watch his bollocks grow.

Do you like a dog fight, Turkish?

We've lost Gorgeous George.

Shh.

You're gonna have to repeat that.

We've lost Gorgeous George.

Well, where'd you lose him?

He ain't a set of fucking car keys, is he?

And it's not as if he's
incon-fucking-spicuous, now is it?

We're not backing out.

You bet your bollocks to a barn dance
you're not backing out.

We're changing the fighter.

Oh, fuck me, your lady friend got a voice?

And who might you be changing him to,
sweethearts?

You won't know him, but he's mustard.

Mustard?

I don't care
if he's Muhammad "I'm Hard" Bruce Lee,

you can't change fighters.

- Look, you've still got your fight.
- No.

I lose all bets at the bookies. You can't
change fighters at the last minute.

So, no, I don't have my fight,
do I, you fucking prat?

You can take bets at the fight.

Put a lead on her, Turkish,
before she gets bitten.

And you don't want to get bitten,
now do you, sweethearts?

Make sure your man goes down
in the fourth.

You understand me now,
don't you, Turkish?

This is the one place I didn't want to be:

In his debt.

Which now means I'm in his pocket.

You're on thin fucking ice,
my pedigree chums.

And I shall be under it when it breaks.

Now fuck off.

[traditional Jewish music playing]

[dog barking and whimpering]

- [phone ringing]
- [Avi] Doug, where's Franky Four Fingers?

[Doug] I don't know, Avi. I'm not
his mother. But I'm seeing him later.

- [Avi] When later?
- Well, he said he wanted cash.

So he's coming back
after he's been to a fight.

A fight?

What do you mean? What do you mean,
a fight? A boxing match?

- Is there gambling involved?
- It's a boxing match, Avi.

- Did he have a case with him?
- Yes, he had a case.

And this schmuck is gambling?

You're talking about Franky "I've got
a problem with gambling" Four Fingers.

Avi, I'm not telepathic.

Well, you're plenty fucking stupid,
I'll give you that.

Do you have any idea
why they call him Franky Four Fingers?

No, I have no idea.

Well, because he makes stupid bets
with dangerous people.

And when he doesn't pay up,
they give him the chop, Doug.

And I'm not talking about
his fucking foreskin either.

Avi, I'm sure he can pay.

Not with my goods, he isn't. You got
a toothbrush? We're going to London.

Do you hear that? I'm coming to London!

- Avi!
- Shut up and sit down, you bald fuck!

I don't like leaving my own country, Doug,

and I especially don't like leaving it
for anything less than warm, sandy beaches

and cocktails with little straw hats.

We've got sandy beaches.

So? Who the fuck wants to see them?

I hope that you can appreciate
the concern I have for my friend Franky.

I'm gonna find him, Doug,
and you're gonna help me find him.

And we're gonna start at that fight.

[squeaking]

How am I gonna get it out?

It will probably cough it up.

Do you think he'll be all right?

I hope not.

[Tyrone] Look, are we gonna rob
this bookies?

[Sol] Yes, big man.

What are we waiting for anyway?

[Sol] We are waiting for a man
with four fingers, carrying a briefcase.

And why's that?

Because the deal is, the Russian gets
the case, we get the money.

What's in the case?

Oh, for fuck's sake, Tyrone,
just concentrate on the steering wheel.

Jesus.

- Private night tonight, chaps.
- I'm well aware of that, my son.

That's why we're here.

Well done. This is the back way in.

Oh, really? I thought it was the front.

- Private night tonight, chaps.
- We know. That's exactly why we're here.

Tickets.

Are we ever gonna get
into this place, huh?

Avi, Avi, you gotta understand.

This ain't exactly Vegas,
and this ain't exactly legal.

I'm not looking for Vegas,
and I'm not looking for legal.

I'm looking
for Franky-fucking-Four Fingers.

I know that,
and he said he's gonna be here.

Well, if there's gambling involved,
he'll be here.

[man] Let's not have a fuck-up.

You won't let us down, will you?

He's going down in the fourth,
don't you worry about that. Peter.

[dog squeaking and whimpering]

Oh, is that him?

I don't know.
How many fingers did he have?

I'm sorry,
I didn't get the binoculars out in time.

Look, let's not stand on ceremony, mate.
Let's start the show.

["Cross the Tracks" playing]

[gun cocks]

Do you know who this bookies belongs to?

Look, if you know what's good for you,
you'll give me everything...

[Vincent yells]

Vince, what are you doing up there?

[Vincent] What does it look like
I'm doing up here?

This is starting to hurt, Solomon.

[Sol] Drop the screen now.

- [screen lowers]
- [Vincent grunts]

How you doing, Vince?

I'd do a lot better
if you'd stop using my name.

- Fill that bag.
- All bets are off.

I am not in here to make a fucking bet.

Appreciate it,

but all bets...

are...

off.

If all bets are off, then there can't be
any money, can there?

I ain't fucking buying that.

Well, that's handy because
I ain't fucking selling it. It's a fact.

What have you got?

Nothing, really.

A few coins but no notes.

[screaming]

Show me your hands.

You've got five fingers.

God! Copper coins.

What do you mean, copper fucking coins?

[alarm wailing]

It won't open
because it's a security door.

Hold that.

[Vincent groans]

Fuck.

My leg.

What are you moaning about?
It didn't even touch it.

We're fucked.

What the fuck are you two doing?

[jazzy music playing]

[Sol] Get us out of here, Tyrone.

[tyres screech]

- Tyrone, what are you doing?
- [both] Get us out of here!

Who the fuck is this man, Tyrone?

He's a man with four fingers
and a briefcase, Vinny.

[dog squeaking and whimpering]

In the red corner,

we have the young and unchallenged...

So, Mickey, you're going down
in the fourth. Is that clear?

Just make sure he doesn't kill me
before the fourth.

So give it up for the bone-crunching,

one-punch machine gun,

Mickey!

[crowd jeering]

And in the other corner...

Now, I know he looks like a fat fucker...

Well, he is a fat fucker,
but he's dirty and he's dangerous.

Bomber "The Mad Man" Harris!

Now, try and look like a fighter.

Let's get ready

to rumble!

[bell ringing]

[crowd jeering]

Do you realise I've just dumped
fucking 40 grand down you?

What's the fucking crack?

- I'll make it up to you.
- I ain't fucking happy.

I'll make it up to you, I promise.
Stand on me.

Oh, that fucking pikey's put me in it.

Well, thanks for the tip, Brick Top.

Listen, you fucking fringe,
if I throw a dog a bone,

I don't want to know if it tastes good.

You stop me again whilst I'm walking
and I'll cut your fucking jacobs off.

- [knife slashes]
- [yelps]

[traditional Russian music playing]

- He's here.
- Well, you explain it to him.

- What you doing with him?
- The case was attached to his arm.

So why didn't you chop it off?

Why? We ain't fucking butchers, Boris.

But he has the case.

Look, we... Well, you have a problem.

What?

There weren't much cash at the bookies.

Ah. Okay.

- Here is the 10 grand.
- No.

No. Keep it. We want this.

Well, at least half of this.

What was in the case was mine.

What was in the bookies was yours. Okay?

Well, it wasn't much, but here is
the 10 large to help the situation.

No, I'm afraid it's too late for that.

We want half of this,
and that's 'cause we're being generous.

I mean, we could, by all rights,
keep the whole fucking stone, Boris.

- Whoa!
- Watch out!

Drop the gun, fat boy.

You fucking idiots.
He could not know my name.

Give me the stone.

- It's in the case.
- What?

It's in the case.

You put the stone in the case?

Then open it and give me the stone.

The only man who knew the combination,
you just shot.

[traditional Russian music playing]

[speaks in Russian]

[jazzy music playing]

Now, it's not too clever to hang about
after Mickey's performance.

Brick Top, in short, will be looking
to kill Tommy, Mickey and myself.

I know he's looking for us,
but I don't have a choice.

I'm happy to leave the country,
but I need money to do so.

But any money I have is in the safe,
which is in the office.

Once I have that, it's...

Oink, oink.

Shit.

So that's where you keep the sugar.

What brings you two here?
Run out of pants to sniff?

That sounds like hostility,
doesn't it, John?

And we don't like hostility, do we, Errol?

No, we don't, John.

Hey.

I just had them polished.

Go and put the kettle on.

- You take sugar?
- No, thank you, Turkish.

I'm sweet enough.

[speaking in Russian]

He is now your problem.

Okay?

You can keep the 10 grand,
along with the body,

but if I see you again,
you motherfuckers...

Well, look at him.

I've got a bare-knuckle fight
in a couple of days.

I want to use the pikey.

All right. Of course.

Of course, fucking of course.

I wasn't asking, I was telling.

But this time...

I do want him to go down in the fourth.

And I do mean it, this time.

Now, I know you come back here
to open your safe.

So now you can open it.

He's been a busy little bastard,
that Turkish.

I think you've let him get away
with enough already, governor.

It can get you
in a lot of trouble, thinking, Errol.

I shouldn't do so much of it.

Right. That takes care
of one little piggy.

Now find me the silly sods
who blagged the bookies.

Find them today.

[gypsy music playing]

[dog barking in distance]

Top of the morning to you, Mrs. O'Neil.

Tommy.

You're a snake in the grass,
ain't you, Tommy? Where'd they come from?

You're looking for my boy, are you?

[Turkish] Do you know
where I can find him?

Yeah.

Don't suppose you'd like to share
that information with me, would you?

I don't want you getting my boy
into any trouble. Do you hear me?

He's my only boy. And he's a good boy.

He's coursing.

- What's coursing?
- Hare coursing.

They set two lurchers...
They're dogs, before you ask.

On a hare.

And the hare has to outrun the dogs.

So, what if it doesn't?

Well, the big rabbit gets fucked,
doesn't it?

Proper fucked?

Yeah, Tommy.

Before "zee" Germans get there.

[Brick Top] Do you know these tits, Errol?

[Errol] I know a lot of tits, governor,

but I don't know any quite
as fucking stupid as these two.

John?

[John] I can't help, guv.

Ah, Tyrone.

[all] You silly, fat bastard.

Well, do you want to do it?

- [Mickey] That depends.
- On what?

On you buying this caravan.

Ah, not the rouge one. The rose.

- It's not the same caravan.
- It's not the same fight.

It's twice the size of the last one.

Turkish, the fight is twice the size.

And me ma still needs a caravan.

And I like to look after me ma.
It's a fair deal. Take it.

Mickey, you're lucky we aren't worm food
after your last performance.

Buying a tart's mobile palace is
a little fucking rich.

[gypsy music playing]

I wasn't calling your mum a tart.
I just meant...

Eh, save your breath
for cooling your porridge.

Now, look, she wants a hack
with two roof lights...

[speaking indistinctly]

[whispering indistinctly]

Right. And she's terrible partial
to the periwinkle blue, boys.

Have I made myself clear, boys?

Yeah, that's perfectly clear, Mickey.
Yeah.

Just give me one minute
to confer with my colleague.

[indistinct chatter]

Did you understand a single word
of what he just said?

[laughing]

I'll tell you what I'm gonna do.

[dog barking]

Fucker.

I'll bet you for it.

- You'll what?
- [all] He'll bet you for it.

What, like Tommy did last time?
Do me a favour.

I'll do you a favour.

You have first bet.
If I win, I get a caravan,

and the boys get a pair of them shoes.

[all chuckling]

If I lose...

Aw, fuck it, I'll do the fight for free.

Now the last thing
I really want to do is bet a pikey.

However, I don't really have much
of a choice.

Somehow I've got to get him to fight,
but if I lose...

Well, I don't even want
to think about losing.

Okay. I reckon the hare gets fucked.

What? Proper fucked?

[all laughing]

You got that, London?

[man] We're on!

["Disco Science" playing]

[inaudible dialogue]

[inaudible dialogue]

Okay, I'll fucking tell you!
Get those off me.

I'll tell you who robbed your bookies.

Periwinkle blue. Bye, boys.

Who's proper fucked now, then?

There's something very wrong with this.

It was us that wanted
to buy a caravan off of him.

Well, why didn't you "bust a cap
in his ass" then, Tommy?

Mind you, you'd do more damage
if you threw it at him.

What? You saying I can't shoot?

Oh, no, Tommy.
I wasn't saying you can't shoot.

I know you can't shoot.

What I was saying is, that six-pound piece
of shit stuck in your trousers there

would do more damage if you fed it to him.

You saying the gun don't work?

You tried it?

- [gun clicks]
- Whoops.

I want to see that sneaky fucking Russian.

What has he got a tea cosy
on his head for?

To keep his head warm.

What happened to him?
He got shot in the face, Lincoln.

I thought that was obvious.

What'd you do that for?
Did you mistake him for a rabbit?

- What do you want me to do about it?
- Sort it out.

- I'm not a fucking witch doctor.
- But you are a bad boy yardie.

And bad boy yardies are supposed
to know how to get rid of bodies.

I create the bodies,
I don't erase the bodies.

Looks like we're in, governor.

Goody gumdrops.

Get us a cup of tea, would you, Errol?

Grab hold of his legs.

What do you think I'm gonna grab him by,
his fucking ears?

[Vincent, Bad Boy and Sol grunting]

Hope this is not a bad moment.

[body thuds]

[door closes]

Do you know who I am?

I do.

Good. That will save me some time, then.

Well, I don't.

You're always gonna have problems
lifting a body in one piece.

Apparently, the best thing to do

is cut up a corpse into six pieces
and pile it all together.

Would someone mind telling me,

- who are you?
- [door opens]

And when you got your six pieces,
you gotta get rid of them

'cause it's no good leaving it in
the deep freeze for your mum to discover,

now is it?

Then I hear the best thing to do
is feed them to pigs.

You gotta starve the pigs for a few days,

then the sight of a chopped-up body
will look like curry to a pisshead.

You gotta shave the heads of your victims

and pull the teeth out

for the sake of the piggies' digestion.

You could do this afterwards, of course,

but you don't want to go sieving
through pigshit, now do you?

They will go through bone like butter.

You need at least 16 pigs
to finish the job in one sitting,

so be wary of any man
who keeps a pig farm.

They will go through a body
that weighs 200 pounds

in about eight minutes.

That means that a single pig

can consume two pounds of uncooked flesh

every minute.

Hence the expression...

"as greedy as a pig."

Well, thank you for that.
That's a great weight off me mind.

Now, I mean, if you wouldn't mind
telling me who the fuck you are,

apart from someone
who feeds people to pigs, of course.

[ominous music playing]

Do you know what "nemesis" means?

"A righteous infliction of retribution

manifested by an appropriate agent."

Personified, in this case,
by a horrible cunt:

Me.

Gentlemen.

[indistinct chatter]

Why can't you find me Franky, Doug?

Avi, what do you want me to do?
I'm not a bounty hunter.

- What about Tony? Bullet-Tooth Tony.
- ["Lucky Star" playing]

- Who's Bullet-Tooth...?
- Tony!

You silly fuck.

He's a liability.

He'll find you Moses and the burning bush
if you pay him to.

You are gonna die, Tony!

He got shot six times,
had the bullets moulded into gold.

[gunshots]

I shoot you, you go down!

Yeah, he's got two in his teeth
that Dad did for him, so he loves Dad.

[gunshots]

Why don't you fucking die?

He's the best chance
you got of finding Franky.

- Six times?
- [gunshot]

In one sitting.

You're in trouble now.

Well, that sounds promising.
What are we waiting for?

- ["Hot Pants" playing]
- [ringing]

♪ I'm coming, baby
I'm coming ♪

♪ Hey, I'm coming ♪

♪ Coming, baby ♪

♪ Oh, I'm coming ♪

Bonjour.

Wat have you got to tell me
that's so fucking important?

Mr. Pulford, why do you think
we've got a dead man

missing an arm in our office?

Talk to me, tell me.

Four days. You give us four days

and I will get you a stone the size
of a fucking home. I kid you not.

What do you think, Errol?

I think we should drip-dry them,
governor, while we got the chance.

It was a rhetorical question, Errol.

What have I told you about thinking?

- You got 48 hours.
- Yeah.

You can keep that silly, fat wanker.
The lads can't lift him.

Forty-eight hours.
After that, it's your family

and the pigs finish
what the dogs don't do.

So, what should I call you?
Should I call you, uh, "Bullet"? "Tooth"?

You can call me "Susan"
if it makes you happy.

Tony, there is a man I'd like you to find.

That depends on all the elements
in the equation. How many are there?

Forty thousand.

Where was he last seen?

At a bookies.

Bookies?

Pass us the blower, Susi.

[jazzy music playing]

- The bookies got blagged last night.
- Blagged?

Speak English to me, Tony.

I thought this country spawned
the fucking language,

and so far, nobody seems to speak it.

Blagged, robbed.

We're gonna go and see a man
that looks like he might know something.

I need a gun.

You don't, Rosebud, me old son.
You need me.

I got fucking black ink
all over fuck boy, mate.

He's stained for fucking life.

Okay, that and the golden teeth as well.

- Fucking hell. You should have seen it...
- All right, Mullet?

How you doing, Tony? You all right, mate?

Ooh, nice tie.

I heard you weren't about
that much these days, Tone.

What do you know? Still warm,
the blood that courses through my veins.

Unlike yours, Mullet.

I wanna know
who blagged Brick Top's bookies.

- Do me a favour, Tone.
- I will do you a favour, Mullet.

I'll not bash the living fuck out of you
in front of all your girlfriends here.

Gonna make it worth my while, mate?
Jesus, Tone, you know how it is, man.

[gagging]

- Comfortable, Mullet?
- [whimpers]

Seems sadly ironic, it's that tie
that's got you into this pickle.

- You take all the time you want, mate.
- [engine starts]

What the fuck you doing, Tone?

Driving down the street
with your head stuck in my window.

What you think I'm doing, you penis?

Well, don't, Tone.

You been using dog shit for toothpaste?

Slow down, Tone.

Slow down, Tony!

I don't think so. I think I'll speed up.

- Play some music if you like.
- [groans]

["Lucky Star" playing over radio]

Oh, I love this track.

I want to know
who blagged Brick Top's bookies.

[Mullet gagging]

Yes, Mullet?

I think it's two Black guys that work
from a... In a pawnshop in Smith Street.

Better not be telling me porky pies.

I'm fucking tell you, it's two Black guys
work out of a pawnshop on Smith Street.

It's very effective, Tony.

It's not too subtle but effective.

Are we taking him with us?

♪ Star bright, yeah ♪

[screams]

♪ 'Cause you make the darkness... ♪

[Sol] It's the Russian.

A Russian?

Well, to be technical,
he's an Uzbekistanian, but...

Uzbekistanian? I've been dealing
with those sneaky Russian dogs.

- Give me a name.
- Yurinov.

Boris.

- Boris The Blade?
- Yeah.

As in Boris The Bullet-Dodger?

Why do they call him The Bullet-Dodger?

Because he dodges bullets, Avi.

[Turkish on phone] He won't fight
unless we buy his mum a caravan,

and you nicked all our savings.

In the quiet words of the Virgin Mary,
come again?

He's a stubborn bastard.
He said he's got to look after his mum.

- Are you taking the piss?
- What can I do?

I can't make him do it, can I?

You're not much good to me alive,
are you, Turkish?

He's a useless shite, that boy.
Punish him for me, Errol.

- ["Angel" playing]
- I want that pikey to fight.

♪ Her eyes ♪

♪ She's on the dark side ♪

[Turkish] Brick Top thought
smashing up our arcade

might help me to persuade Mickey to fight.

And if that wasn't enough,

he thought it would be a good idea...

to burn Mickey's mum's caravan.

While she was asleep in it.

♪ You ♪

♪ Are my angel ♪

Turkish, get your arse up.

You lot,

follow me and I'll fucking shoot you.

Calm down, son. Behave yourself.

I've got the gun, son.
I think it's you who should behave.

[gun cocks]

What?

You want to see if I've got the minerals?

[Turkish] Jesus.

Sorry, Mickey.

Did you do it?

Then what are you sorry for?

[Darren] What the fuck
are you still doing here?

Darren, come back!

- You got some tars on you.
- [Mickey] Fuck off, Darren.

- Fuck off!
- Darren!

[Turkish] How silly do I feel?

His mum is still smoking next to us

and I'm asking him to fight.

I'll do the fight before he causes
any more carnage.

And if he'd said no,

it could've been a shite sight worse.

[Avi] Russians. Hmph.

Russians.

I should've known.

Anti-Semite, slippery Cossack sluts.

What do you know about this goyim?

Ex-KGB cancer.

He was a highly trained undercover agent.

He'll be impossible to track down.

[phone ringing]

Yeah.

[Susi] There's a strange man
who wants to sell us an 84-carat stone.

- Where does he come from?
- I don't know. Hard to tell.

He's got a thick Russian accent.

[traditional Russian music playing]

Well, what was I supposed to do?
He set the dogs on me. Look.

That sneaky fucking Russian!
No wonder he didn't want to do it.

First things first. One of us...

Tyrone, you get around to the Russian's.

The second you see him,
you give us a call.

Now.

[inaudible dialogue]

He's a right handful, this fella,
so watch out.

I hate Russians. I'll take care of him.

[Tony] He's all yours, Rosebud, old son.

Not a problem.

[jazzy music playing]

You're gonna have to get me to a doctor.

- Shoot that fuck!
- Yeah, yeah.

Then, get me to a doctor.

Okay, yeah, yeah.
But first we get the stone, Rosey.

First the stone.
And then I'll get you to a doctor.

And not just any doctor, boychik.
I'm gonna get you to a nice Jewish doctor.

Find my friend a nice Jewish doctor!

[Tony] Get his keys and find out exactly
where the stone is.

I think that you got something to tell us.

Easy. Take it easy, Rosebud.

Oi. Do you want him
to be able to talk or not?

What the fuck do you mean, replicas?

They look the shit, don't they?
And nobody is gonna argue.

And I've got some extra loud blanks,
just in case.

In... Oh, in case we have
to deafen them to death?

[phone ringing]

- [Sol] Yeah.
- Boris is here.

We're coming over. You hold him there.

Hold on!

He's not on his own!

We're off.

[Avi] Very industrious for a Cossack.

Sneaky fucking Russian.

So where is he, Tyrone?

It's not just he.
Three fellas went in the house.

- They locked Boris in the back of the car.
- Why didn't you tell us that?

Oi. Did they look hard?

They looked messy.

Hey, come on. Let's get out of here.

What do you want to do about the Russian?

I want you to bury him.

All right.

[traditional Russian music playing]

I think we should get you a new gun.

But this time, try it.

How far to the Russian's?

We'll be there in a minute.

- [Vincent] Well, come on, then.
- Uh-uh. Not so fast, Vinny.

We can't take them now.
We're gonna have to follow them.

[engine starts]

You shouldn't drink that stuff anyway.

Why? What's wrong with it?

- It's not in sync with evolution.
- Shut up.

How do you wanna get rid of him?

- Well, do you want to shoot him?
- It's a little noisy, isn't it?

- Well, do you want to stab him?
- It's a little cold-blooded, isn't it?

- Do you want to kill him or not?
- I'll cut him. I got a blade.

There. That's the spirit.

Do they fire?

Of course they fire.

Yeah. But how do you know?
I mean, they're replicas.

What do you know about replicas?

- [gunshot]
- [all yell]

What the fuck are you doing, Solomon?

Well, you wanted to know
whether or not they worked.

I didn't mean try it in the car,
Sol, you arsehole!

[Tyrone screaming]

What are you gonna do with that,
pick his teeth?

Wipe the butter off and put it away.

Look, there's a proper blade back there.

Cows have only been domesticated
in the last 8000 years.

Before that, they were running around
as mad as lorries.

The human digestive system hasn't got used
to any dairy products yet.

Well, fuck me, Tommy.
What have you been reading?

Let me do you a favour.

[tyres screeching]

[car crashes]

[both] Whoops.

You. Want a knife?

Me? Oh, no, not me.
I wouldn't know what to do with it.

It's a knife, for God's sake.

What have you used to keep
your fork company all these years?

The sharp side, a blunt side.
What do you want, a lesson?

[tyres screeching]

[Boris grunting]

[Boris speaking in Russian]

Is that Boris?

[traditional Russian music playing]

- [Tyrone screaming]
- [tyres screeching]

Oh, Tyrone, what have you done?

What about Rosebud?

Well, you can bring him with you
if you like.

But which bit would you like to bring?

- [Vincent] They're getting out.
- [Sol] Hold on.

Get down and follow them.

[Tony] Cover yourself up, Avi.

You're making a scene.

I'm sorry for causing a scene, Tony.

Whoa, you are not taking
that dog with you, Vince.

Well, I can't leave him in here, can I?

Pint of the black stuff, landlord.

I thought you wanted to get cleaned up.
Bathroom's back there.

- He's left the door open.
- Shouldn't think that's a good idea.

Should we go in?

I don't want to go in there.
He's a dangerous bastard.

Taken too many disco biscuits
in the heat of Russian disputations.

He's got as many of these nuts
as he has those nuts.

I don't care
if he's got fucking hazelnuts.

I want a gun that works,
and I'm gonna tell him.

My God, Tommy,
you certainly got those minerals.

Well, come on, then,
before "zee" Germans get here.

You just tell him who's in charge.

[Boris speaking in Russian]

[traditional Russian music playing]

Uh, Boris... [grunting]

Fucking hell.

You certainly told him, Tommy.

[chuckles]

[speaking in Russian]

The Drowning Trout.

Come and pick us up.

And, Doug...

sharpish.

I don't want a fuss and I don't want
to put a bullet in your face,

but unless you give me exactly
what I want,

there will be fucking murders.

What's your name?

Shoot him.

Ooh.

Let go of the gun.

So you're obviously the big dick

and on either side of you are your balls.

There are two types of balls:

There are big brave balls,
and there are little, mincy faggot balls.

These are your last words
so make them a prayer.

Your dicks have drive
and clarity of vision,

but they're not clever.

They smell pussy and they want
a piece of the action.

And you thought you smelled
some good old pussy

and have brought your two little,
mincy faggot balls along

for a good old time.

But you've got your parties muddled up.

There's no pussy here,

just a dose that'll make you wish
you were born a woman.

Like a prick,

you're having second thoughts.

You're shrinking.

And your two little balls
are shrinking with you.

And the fact that you've got "Replica"
written down the side of your gun...

...and the fact
that I've got "Desert Eagle .50"...

...written on the side of mine...

...should precipitate...

your balls into shrinking,
along with your presence.

Now...

fuck off.

["Ghost Town" playing]

Lock the door.

Lock it!

[Vincent grunts]

Give me the case.

Fuck you.

Shoot me.

I will. I'll shoot you.

[men arguing indistinctly]

Pass me case or I shoot you.

You know what?

Fuck you too.

Go ahead and shoot me. You'd be doing me
a favour, you Russian fuck. Go ahead!

You! Drop guns.

Fuck you!

You drop the gun!

[Boris] Okay.

[Tony] Avi...

pull your socks up!

- Tyrone?
- Fuck it. We're out of here.

[Boris] Give me the case.

[jazzy music playing]

Avi...

- where's the case?
- [Avi] Put the gun away.

[Tony] What's Boris doing here?

Boris, what are you doing here?

[Boris] Fuck you!

Where's the case?

- [Boris grunts] You piece of crap.
- Don't take the piss, Boris.

[Boris] I'll show you now.

Fuck you!

Almost had it.

For fuck's sake.

- Fuck you and all.
- [gun clicks]

You lucky bastard.

[door opens]

[door closes]

Jeez, it's flawless.

Don't get attached to it.
It's going to Brick Top.

Leave the dog here.

- Sol, why don't we just leave?
- Because life's too short, Vincent,

and it'll get a lot fucking shorter
if Brick Top wishes it to be.

- Now leave that dog here.
- I'm gonna leave the dog here.

Don't worry about it!

And if that pikey mutt does
any damage, you're gonna pay.

[dog whimpering]

It's okay.

Sit down. Down.

[squeaks]

[Vincent] I don't want to go in there.
You'll never see me again.

[Sol] Well, we won't if you don't.

All right, you give me the stone,

and I will give it to Brick Top. Yeah?

All right. Give me a minute.
It's a bit fiddly.

What is it doing down there?

Well, I put it down there
in case we got mugged.

You ain't from this planet,
are you, Vincent?

Who is gonna mug
two Black fellas holding pistols,

sat in a car that's worth less
than your shirt?

Bullet-Tooth Tony and his friend,
Desert Eagle .50.

What have they got to do with anything?

They're both staring straight at me.

You should never underestimate
the predictability of stupidity.

Now out of the car.

And leave your water pistols behind.

Look, just... Just tell him
the stone's back at the office.

I'll think of something.

- [Turkish] Why's he sweating, Gorgeous?
- [grunting]

Oh, never mind.

Tommy, why is your skin leaking?

- I'm a little worried, actually, Turkish.
- Worried about what?

What happens if the gypsy knocks
the other man out?

I mean, he's done it before, hasn't he?

We get murdered
before we leave the building,

and I imagine we get fed to the pigs.

Well, I'm glad to see you're climbing
the walls in fucking anxiety.

Pardon my cynicism,
but I don't exactly trust the pikey.

Don't think I haven't thunk
about that one, Tommy.

It's his mum's funeral tonight.
God bless her.

[Turkish] You know those gypsies like
a drink at a wake.

I'm not worried about whether
Mickey knocks the other man out.

I'm worried about whether Mickey makes it
to the fourth fucking round.

[Tommy] Well, what if he doesn't
make it to the fourth round?

We get murdered
before leaving the building,

and I imagine we get fed to the pigs.

So why are you so calm?

- I said...
- I heard what you said, Tommy!

It's not as though
we've got a choice, now, is it?

You show me how to control
a wild fucking gypsy

and I'll show you how to control
an unhinged, pig-feeding gangster.

Bollocks! I'm going for a walk.

[rock music playing]

[inaudible dialogue]

Oh, that fucking dog.

Go on, get the dog.

- It's a bit funky in here, isn't it?
- Open a window.

[dog barking]

You people live like animals.

Now, where's the stone?

- Come on, where is it?
- It's over here.

- Where? Where?
- I left it in a box.

It's empty.

I'm getting heartburn.
Tony, do something terrible.

No, I'm being serious.

The dog. The dog must have ate it.

[whimpers]

Now, then, let's have a look,
shall we? Tony.

- What?
- Look in the dog.

What do you mean, "look in the dog"?

I mean, open him up.

It's not a tin of baked beans.
What do you mean, open him up?

You know what I mean.

That's a bit strong, isn't it?

I don't know about this.

[knife clicks]

- No, you can't do this.
- [barking and squeaking]

It's fucking squeaking!

What's the matter?
You never heard a dog squeak before?

Give me that goddamn gun!

- [jazzy music playing]
- [all shouting indistinctly]

I'm shooting the dog!

Shoot the fucking dog!

[Vincent] Look, it's here. It's here.

[dog barks, then howls]

You sneaky fucking bastard.

[sighs]

Thank God for that.

[barks]

[jazzy music playing]

I hate fucking dogs! Come on, Tony.

Tony, come on!

Tony?

- [man] Anything to declare?
- Yeah. Don't go to England.

[Vincent] That dog is gonna go back
to the campsite, Sol.

I'm telling you. It always does.

How's the dog gonna find
the campsite, Vin?

Have you smelled the campsite, Sol?

All right. But we're gonna have
to wait until it gets light.

And we have to get rid of these bodies.

That one over there with the tea cosy
on his head's starting to stink.

Right. Let's stick them in the car,
and then go and look for a pig farm.

[echoing] Mickey.

Oi, Mickey!

You feeling all right, Mickey?

[groaning]

Need a drink.

You can't give him a drink!

It's not for him. It's for me.

Ah, mates. Amen.

He's a hard bastard,
this Good Night Anderson,

so pay attention to what you're doing.

- All right, Mickey?
- [snoring]

Mickey!

Need to have a shite!

If you see the pikey, Turkish
or his girlfriend come out before me,

shoot the bastards.

Well, come on. We got a fight to go to.

[indistinct chatter]

All right, Tom.

Hope we're gonna get
a better show this time.

This will make up for it.

Mickey's going down in the fourth.

Now, Terry over there is
in charge of the bets.

Now, you have to forgive me.

I'll forgive you
if he goes down this time.

- Are our lads down at the campsite?
- They're over there now, governor.

[man 1] I fucking hate pikeys.

[man 2] How long have we gotta stay here?

As long as it takes. Now shut up.

Fucking hate pikeys.

Is he fucking stoned?

He's like that before a fight.

Do you know when you're going down?

Of course he knows when he's going down.

Oi, fuck-face, who's speaking to you?
He asked him, didn't he?

Fuck-face? I like that one, Errol.

I'll remember that next time
I'm climbing off your mum.

- Not now.
- Gonna be a tragedy of a fight.

Be a nice one. Nice one.
Hell of a way to be a war.

And there none of yours.

[laughing]

There's a campsite full of pikeys that
might not think you're so fucking funny.

Not when they're putting out flames
on their children's backs.

Now get up and have a fucking fight.

[rock music playing]

[man] Three rounds
and you're a vegetable, aren't you, pikey?

[all clamouring]

I'm in charge here.
No fucking about, no eye-gouging.

Do your worst. Let's get it on!

[crowd clamouring]

What the fuck's going on?
You gonna finish him or what?

["Fuckin' in the Bushes" playing]

[bell ringing]

Talk about saved by the bell.

Do you understand the consequences
of what would happen

if you knocked that man out?

Do not knock him out, Mickey.

All right, let's break it up.

[bell ringing]

[bell ringing]

[Turkish] What, is he fucking deaf?

What is he doing?

[all shouting indistinctly]

Come on and sit.

What the fuck are you doing, Mickey?

You're dancing like a fairy.

They'll hang us with the ring ropes
if they think it's rigged.

Get out there and hurt him.

But for fuck's sake, do not knock him out.

[Turkish] All he's got to do is stay down.

Now we are fucked.

["Angel" playing]

[man] He can't stand up.

We're out of here.

[Turkish] Stupid pikey knows
Brick Top's got a dozen

keen-to-kill monkeys with shotguns

sitting outside his campsite.

[gunshot over phone]

Once the campsite's wiped out,
I know it's gonna be the same for us.

You ever cross the road
and look the wrong way?

Give me that fucking shooter!

And, hey, presto,
there's a car nearly on you.

So, what do you do?

Something very silly.

[gunshot]

You freeze.
And your life doesn't flash before you

'cause you're too fucking scared to think.

You just freeze and pull a stupid face.

But the pikey didn't. Why?

Because he had plans
on running the car over.

It had previously occurred to me

that the gypsy had taken the demise
of his mother rather lightly.

For every action, there's a reaction.

And a pikey reaction...

is quite a fucking thing.

[rock music playing]

[cell phone ringing]

Pete, talk to me.

If you want your friend to hear you,
talk a lot louder than that.

[gunshot]

- Give me that fucking shooter.
- I'll give you your shooter, you cunt.

That is when I thought
the pikey had money riding on himself.

That's the reason the bastard never
goes down when he's supposed to.

We've been tucked up...

while he's been cleaning up.

We're worse off now than when we started.

The next day we went to the campsite,

but the gypsies had disappeared
during the night.

Which was probably a good thing,

considering they'd just buried
12 people somewhere in the area.

[Tommy] Where is he?

He ain't fucking here, that's for sure.

We can't ask a man to fight for us
if we can't find him, can we?

You won't find a pikey that doesn't want
to be found, Tommy.

He could be in a campsite
in Kampu-fucking-chea by now.

Ah, bollocks! Come on.

- What you doing here?
- What's it got to do with you?

So, what you doing here?

[dog barking in distance]

[jazzy music playing]

I'm taking the dog for a walk.
What's the problem?

What's in the car?

Seats and a steering wheel.

What do you know about gypsies?

I know they're not to be trusted.

All right, get your dog. On your way.

Get the dog, Tommy.

Aye?

The dog.

All right, boy. Come on.
Come on, Daisy. No, Daisy!

He loves that dog.

Always playing silly games.

Stop messing about, Tommy,
and get it in the car. Tommy!

[barking]

Good boy. Good boy.
Good boy, Daisy, good boy.

[man] Could you tell me

why you got a dead man
with an arm missing in your boot?

Hey, George,

is that a tea cosy on his head?

[dog squeaking]

Oh, you love a dog, don't you, Tommy?

[Turkish] Tommy persuaded me
to keep the dog.

I eventually agreed,
as long as he took it to a vet.

- I couldn't stand that squeaking anymore.
- [dog whimpering]

The vet found half
an undigested shoe, a squeaky toy

and an 84-carat diamond
lodged in its stomach.

It's quite amazing
what can happen in a week.

Still didn't shut it up though.

So, what do you do?

You go see the man that knows
about these sort of things.

So, what do you think?

Do you know anyone who'd be interested?

I might.

["Don't You Just Know It" playing]

♪ Ay-ay-oh, ay-ay-oh ♪

♪ Gooba-gooba-gooba-gooba
Gooba-gooba-gooba-gooba ♪

♪ Ah-ha-ha-ha, ah-ha-ha-ha ♪

♪ Ay-ay-oh, ay-ay-oh ♪

♪ Hey, pretty baby, can we go strollin'? ♪

♪ Don't you just know it? ♪

♪ You got me rockin'
When I oughta be rollin' ♪

♪ Don't you just know it? ♪

♪ Ah-ha-ha-ha, ah-ha-ha-ha ♪

♪ Ay-ay-oh, ay-ay-oh ♪

♪ Gooba-gooba-gooba-gooba
Gooba-gooba-gooba-gooba ♪

♪ Ah-ha-ha-ha, ah-ha-ha-ha ♪

♪ Ay-ay-oh, ay-ay-oh ♪

♪ Baby, baby, you're my blue heaven ♪

♪ Don't you just know it? ♪

♪ You got me pushin'
When I oughta be shovin' ♪

♪ Don't you just know it? ♪

♪ Ah-ha-ha-ha, ah-ha-ha-ha ♪

♪ Ay-ay-oh, ay-ay-oh ♪

♪ Gooba-gooba-gooba-gooba
Gooba-gooba-gooba-gooba ♪

♪ Ah-ha-ha-ha, ah-ha-ha-ha ♪

♪ Ay-ay-oh, ay-ay-oh ♪

♪ Heart of mine is cool as a breeze ♪

♪ Don't you just know it? ♪

♪ Younger the couple
The tighter they squeeze ♪

♪ Don't you just know it? ♪

♪ Ah-ha-ha-ha, ah-ha-ha-ha ♪

♪ Ay-ay-oh, ay-ay-oh ♪

["Diamond" playing]