Original subtitles

Oh, you could fry an egg on my forehead.

If you're getting up,

would you get me another lemonade?

Ready?

(all sighing)

Stevie's house has air conditioning.

Let's get some more.

* Yes, no, maybe

* I don't know

* Can you repeat the question?

* You're not the boss of me now *

* You're not the boss of me now *

* You're not the boss of me now *

* And you're not so big

* You're not the boss of me now *

* You're not the boss of me now *

* You're not the boss of me now *

* And you're not so big

* Life is unfair.

We're not renting the fanciest place on the Big Island, but, you know,

at least I'll have a place to work on my cliff diving.

Wow.

We're actually sharing a houseboat

with Stevie's family on a man- made lake by the power plant.

I don't want to meet the girl that would impress.

Do not touch!

I'm not.

Hal. Let me see your bathing suit.

No. All these ones you picked out

are too big and baggy.

Baggy is good.

It's less surface area I have to shave.

I like the little one.

No, Hal, you always pop out of the little ones.

I do not pop out.

That was one time.

Hal, the Kenarbans are conservative people.

We're going to be in very close quarters with them.

Now, you get the baggy ones.

Let me just show you something.

It better not be that suit in the egg.

Don't say anything until you see it.

MAN: Oh, whoa!

Dewey.

Can I see that spear gun?

Sure.

Now, don't tell me this doesn't do something for you.

(gasps)

Oh, I-I'm sorry.

I thought you were my wife.

My wife has the exact same shape...

(gasps)

(gasps)

(gasps)

So, maybe when I get back, you know, if you wanted...

Maybe I can give you a call.

Maybe.

(laughs): Whoa. Look at that guy.

Psst. Psst.

Do you know him?

Who? That nutcase?

Of course not.

You want to help me choose a surfboard?

Okay.

Malcolm!

Oh, for the love of...

Excuse me.

Oh! God, it's not me-- it's the suit.

I am a normal person!

I'm here with my family.

My son is right over... Malcolm!

Come with me. No, no, no.

I know how this looks, but I'm telling you...

Malcolm!

Wait, no, no, no.

This is a complete misunderstanding.

Dude, where were you?

If Spangler finds out you blew off drill practice,

he's going to kill you.

I'm not afraid of Spangler anymore.

Why aren't you in uniform?

I'm leaving. I'm out of here.

You can't just leave. Yes.

I can. I just turned 18.

I'm legally an adult and no one can tell me what to do.

I'm getting the hell out of here.

You're not going to graduate? Nope.

I'm going to Alaska.

Francis, it's crazy up there.

You can make $45 an hour working on oil rigs or logging camps,

and you don't even need a diploma.

Wait, $45 an hour?

That's with room and board.

You work a couple of years, and you're set for life.

Something to remember me by.

Do you realize how close your father came

to being a registered sex offender?!

A registered sex offender!

And for what? For some trampy girl? For...

Mom, please! I feel terrible.

I completely understand what I did.

I sold out my own father for a girl.

It's, like, the worst thing I've ever done.

We both agree, I'm a terrible person.

For some girl you don't even know!

Who wouldn't give you the time of day!

That's the gratitude you showed your father.

Hey, maybe I'm the good one after all.

Here, Mom, for your throat.

I put a little honey in it.

That man gets

one vacation a year,

and this is how you start it. (phone ringing)

You go and make it right!

Hello.

Dad's probably not that mad at me.

I mean, it's not like I personally

shoved him in the squad car, right?

Dad, can I talk to you?

Uh, no, not right now. I'm kind of busy.

Reese, can you come in here and help me with something?

Oh, sure, Dad.

I love to be helpful

Close the door.

Absolutely not, Francis!

Mom, you're not listening.

I can make $45 an hour.

That's more than you or Dad makes.

You are going to graduate from high school.

Why spend the tuition?

It's a total waste of money.

We both know I'm failing.

Okay, now we both know.

Francis, you are going to stay in school until you graduate,

and that's all there is to it, and if you flunk out,

then that's just another year you're stuck there!

You just can't stand the fact

that I'll be making more money than you!

(screams)

Whoa, that was close.

KITTY: Oh, look at all this lovely scenery and nature.

This is going to be wonderful.

Dear, did you pack my hat?

Oh, I'm sorry, honey.

You should have asked me to.

No problem.

I'll just create one out of newspaper.

Everything okay?

Everything's wonderful. We're on vacation.

The whole drive up here, Dad wouldn't even look at me.

I just wish I could take those two minutes back.

That's the King of the Seas?

(shrieks)

There's no TV! There's no TV! There's no TV!

There's no TV!

(chuckles) There's your TV.

I don't see any TV.

Excuse me.

Okay.

Dad, I'll help you with that.

No, no. I've got it.

Dad.

Please, wait.

Come on.

Talk to me, please.

Okay, fine.

(laughs)

I wanted to wait until this afternoon,

but what the heck.

Check this out.

It's a Cavanaugh.

You remember last year

you saw a picture in a magazine

of a father and a son fishing together

and you said, "Oh, I'd like to try that sometime"?

Yeah?

Yeah, well, I just kept looking at that picture

and I was thinking about you and me

and I... started putting a little money away,

and, you know, I just...

I got this for you.

Oh, man, you wouldn't believe how hard this week has been.

Every time that I looked at you,

I wanted to spill the beans, but...

This is why you wouldn't talk to me?

We'll take the dinghy out

and we'll do some fishing, just the two of us.

Great.

See you on board, Skipper.

Hey, guess who's still the good one.

Do... (gasps)

you... (gasps)

I see it, too.

Hey, boys, what are you doing?

I don't know-- what are you doing?

(giggling)

Where'd you get the boat?

We stole it from our spirit camp.

We're going to get cigarettes.

Spirit camp?

So you girls are...?

Cheerleaders.

Bad... (gasps)

cheerleaders.

Yeah. We haven't seen any boys in, like, six weeks.

Even you guys are starting to look good.

(giggling)

Tammy!

Wait. Where are you guys going?

Follow us and find out.

Get... (gasps)

the boat!

Ready to go fishing, son?

Now? Sure.

We're catching everyone's dinner.

Now, don't you take this personally, all right?

This is a special thing

with Malcolm and me, just this one time.

Too bad you can't come with us.

Too bad we're taking the boat.

Oh. Oh...

Nope.

At least Reese and Stevie

are as bored and miserable as I am.

Remember...

to call me...

Snoop.

(yelling)

(all cheering)

(yelling like Tarzan)

(sighs) This is great--

to just relax with adults.

"Suffocate."

Good for you, Abe.

"Crybaby."

I believe that's two words, dear.

Okay, then... just "baby."

I heard what happened, cadet.

My, my, my, all that splintered wood and broken glass.

(clicks tongue)

I brought you something.

What's that?

A hammer, cadet.

I expect you to repair the trophy case.

You'll find lumber in the common room.

I have a nine-inch gash in my leg.

Hmm, that's quite a handicap.

Cadet,

you damaged school property

and you are the one responsible for repairing it.

Consider it a character building lesson.

I didn't damage anything.

That was negligence.

The phone was improperly connected to the wall.

That is totally unfair!

I decide what's fair around here.

But, wait, maybe I've been hasty.

No, now that I've reconsidered, the decision stands.

You will fix the damage by the end of the week.

That is all, cadet.

(grunts)

Dewey, you have to let go of the rope.

You're all sunburned.

No.

Just let go.

It's going to be dark soon.

I can't.

Yes, you can.

Just open your fingers.

But I'll fall.

That's the point.

Dewey, just don't think.

Just do it, just let go.

No! Oh, for crying out loud.

You let go of that rope, and you come in for dinner!

Come on, honey.

No... ow!

Come on, honey, I'm making French fries.

Ow!

Your favorite-- ice cream.

You know you love ice cream.

HAL: And it was wriggling and fighting me.

But finally I got it on the hook.

That was one hell of a worm.

Thought for sure I'd catch something with it.

Oh, Dewey, would you pass the salt, please?

Where'd you get that shiner?

Mom.

It was horrible.

We were stuck out there for hours.

It was so boring.

What are you smiling about?

I like these potatoes.

(both laugh)

You guys went to the camp?

Oh, man, what was it like?

Imagine a hundred fat guys falling down stairs,

knocking over old ladies.

Multiply that by ten, and you're not even close.

STEVIE: Until today...

I'd have traded...

my life... for anybody's.

No way. It's Mom's.

If it were Mom's...

would I do this?

(sniffing)

(sighs)

That was delicious.

I am so sorry about Abe.

What do you mean?

Oh, you're sweet to pretend,

but I know he is ruining everyone's vacation

with his pouting and his sarcastic little digs.

Well, if it's bothering you, you should talk to him.

(sighs)

Sure is a beautiful night.

You're right.

Anything is better than this.

Malcolm, better hit the hay.

We're getting up pretty early tomorrow.

Nighty... night.

(both laugh)

ABE: Oh, I'll tell you what the problem is.

I hate this boat!

I hate this place!

I hate everything about this damn vacation!

KITTY: Then why didn't you say anything?

ABE: What difference would it make?

This whole trip was your idea, and God knows,

whatever Kitty wants, Kitty gets!

KITTY: Stop behaving like a total ass.

You're ruining everyone's vacation.

ABE: I could be sitting in a suite in Hawaii right now!

KITTY: You know these people can't afford that.

ABE: Well, pardon me for going to college

and earning a decent living.

Should I drive a crappy car because they do, too?

No, they cannot hear me.

And even if they could, they'd certainly understand

that it's just my puckish sense of humor.

Oh, it will, too, work.

They're not that smart.

Turn on the radio. Yeah.

(snoring)

(loud snoring)

(loud snoring continues)

*

116...

What? Nothing.

117...

You know, I didn't want it to come to this,

but there's only so far a person can be pushed.

You don't have to persuade me.

This is exactly the kind of injustice

the Alabama legal system was designed to address.

Now, just sign here.

And we'll need your parent's signatures at the bottom.

Great.

I'm a notary as well as a lawyer,

so I can have this expedited.

Great.

(phone ringing)

(high-pitched voice): Hello.

Well, he's in with a client right now.

Can he call you back?

What's your name, sugar?

Mom, no, please! We can't watch Dewey.

We already have plans.

And now they include your brother.

Mom...

This isn't a negotiation.

You're going to take your brother with you

and you're going to have fun with him!

(whimpering)

Now, remember, this is a magic buoy.

Mermaids are drawn to it,

and they'll grant your every wish.

But they won't show up

if there's more than one person here.

Just leave.

Don't insult me.

Hi, Malcolm.

Me and my naked friends got tired of waiting for you.

You don't want that jerk Reese to have all the fun, do you?

(gasps) What happened?

You catch something?

No.

We're never going to catch anything.

I know.

This is really awful, isn't it?

I don't think there's a darned fish

in this whole lake.

You know what, it doesn't matter.

It's just nice being out here with you.

Dad?

Hmm?

You know the other day at the store

when I pretended not to know you?

Yeah.

That was a new low.

Well, there was this girl...

Really?

I'm sorry.

I know.

Ooh, looks like

you got a nibble.

Attaboy. Set the hook. Set the hook.

Yeah, let him run. Let him run.

Okay, now reel him in. Reel him in.

Attaboy. Attaboy. Look at that!

(laughs) Come to Papa, baby.

You betcha. Oh, yeah!

Oh! That's a striper!

(both laughing)

Look at that beauty! Way to go, Malcolm!

Thanks, Dad.

(girls laughing)

He's four pounds if he's an ounce.

Yeah.

(girls laughing)

Huh.

Isn't this your brother's shirt?

(motor revving, Hal screams)

(panting)

Why?

You are in so much trouble!

I know!

I can't believe it either.

Hi, Dewey!

If you'll excuse me, dear,

I believe I'll go take a nap on my luxurious foam pad.

How long are you going to let this go on?

I tried to talk to him. It just didn't help.

Maybe you came on too strong.

You can start by apologizing.

You don't have to mean it.

Look, you have one day of vacation left.

You want to spend it like this?

All right.

I can swallow my pride.

Kitty (yelling): And you think you're some kind of a picnic?!

With your long-suffering sighs

and your pouting and your 2:00 a.m. crying jags?!

You are a big, overindulged mama's boy!

ABE: And you are an uptight,

impossible-to-please control freak!

I can't take it anymore!

KITTY: Well, what you going to do about it, mama's boy?

Huh? What's the big mama's boy going to do about it?!

(thud)

(loud crash)

Oh, my God.

*

Sorry.

I thought you were fighting.

I didn't see anything.

Oh, dear God.

Three weeks of slave labor,

my relationship with Dad will never be the same,

and I can't stop smiling.

Dewey, remember when we were both stuck on the buoy

and you said you wanted to be a ventriloquist?

Well, I thought it was something we could do together.

Thanks, Dad.

You're welcome, son.

LOIS: Oh, my God!

What is it?

It's Francis!

He quit school.

He's on his way to Alaska.

Well, that's ridiculous.

He can't just take himself out of school.

He has to have our permission.

No, he doesn't.

He got himself legally emancipated.