Original subtitles

It's awful. Just awful.

I got these for free

and I put in prescription lenses.

Okay, let's go crowd the gate even though we're in group "R."

Man, Bermuda is beautiful, isn't it?

You bet. And now I can cross another place off

my "Kokomo" bucket list.

- What's that? - I sort of use

the lyrics to "Kokomo" as my life's itinerary.

I don't have a travel agent, I just have "Kokomo."

I do recall your trips to Aruba and Montego.

Yep, and now Bermuda.

I did Benihana.

- It's not "Benihana". - Sure is.

It's the cheapest one, honestly.

Boy, I can't wait till we can finally go to Kokomo.

Kokomo isn't real, Joe.

It's a common misconception.

If you go to all the others, you unlock Kokomo.

Only thing about Kokomo, though,

is you can check out any time you like,

but you can never leave.

That's something else entirely.

Welcome to The White Lotus Bermuda.

Named after the sports car, not the flower.

Wow, Brian, you look so handsome in that suit.

And I can't believe they already promoted you to manager.

Honestly, Lois, working here

has been just the change I needed.

I made the choice to sober up and start a new, clean life.

Me and Jeffrey can't believe

we's finally in the "Bermuda Guy-Angle,"

where we hear lots of handsome men

have mysteriously gone down over the years.

This is already a good trip.

For a grand a night, that should really be an iPad.

Wow, look at this room.

And what a beautiful painting.

Yes, by a talented local artist.

It depicts the legend of a fat husband

who ignored his wife, so she beheaded him

and had sex with his best friend,

who was a regional airline pilot.

Man, I just don't get art.

Yeah, great, can we just get to my room?

I've been holding in a dump since America.

Look at us, Peter.

Finally on a romantic vacation together.

You know what?

Let's have crazy vacation sex, right here, right now.

I don't know, maybe later.

I mean, you know my kryptonite

is drapes that can open by a button.

Pick your poison, Lois. Just the sheers? Full blackout?

Or... I think I broke it.

Forget it. I'll be at the pool.

Okay, I'll meet you down there.

I need 20 minutes for those red lines

from my socks to smooth out.

Brian, I'm so glad you're here.

I never do this, but one of the bellhops yelled at me

when I was playing on the baggage cart,

and I want him fired.

Stewie, he has three children.

Yeah, again, I never do this.

Why are you dressed like that?

When I go on vacation, I like to spice things up

by adopting a "travel persona" named "Desmond Voyáge."

And one other teensy thing:

I actually specifically requested an ocean-view room.

You have an ocean-view room.

Technically, I'm looking out

- onto a bay. - It's water.

Yeah, a bay is actually a curvature in the shoreline

that creates an inlet.

I don't want to have to look at any land.

Hey there.

We's just gonna scooch in next to you,

but sorry if we get loud.

We's just settling an argument

about what the deal is with Hilaria Baldwin.

I'll tell you her deal. She's a woman from Boston

named Hillary Hayward-Thomas,

who, on her first date with Alec Baldwin,

probably said "por favor" to a waiter to seem exotic,

and has been cosplaying as a Latina ever since.

I like you. What's your name?

Unless you don't wanna say 'cause it's boring and ordinary.

Desmond Voyáge.

Ooh.

Desmond, would you join me, Jeffrey and Dennis

for dinner tonight?

Well, that depends on the menu, because I'm gluten-free.

Not medically, just for the drama.

Ooh.

Come on, Chris, the drinking age in Bermuda is only 18,

so I want to buy some rum to pound

so I can get totally blitzed.

It honestly makes me sad

you feel the need to show off to your own brother.

My God. I must have this.

What? Some lame, touristy T-shirt?

Meg, according to high school law,

vacation shirts equal status,

and Neil Goldman has been rubbing "Señor Frog's Cancún"

in my face for far too long.

Fine, we'll get the rum and the T-shirt.

That'll be $90.

$90?

How much for just the shirt?

$40.

How much for... nothing?

That's five dollars.

Hotels. What are you gonna do,

take a cab to a pharmacy?

My God, I can't wait to see St. David's Lighthouse.

I know.

What are we gonna do at a stupid lighthouse?

Wake me when it's a Roadhouse.

Peter, you're driving.

Sorry.

Holy crap. Did you guys see that?

"World's Best Cheesecake."

In Bermuda?

Peter, there's no way that's true.

Yeah, I don't know, Lois. Who am I gonna listen to,

my wife or a sign on the side of the highway?

Damn it, Peter, I will not let you

ruin another trip for me.

Come on, Glenn, let's go see that lighthouse.

Fine, go.

Taxi!

Good afternoon, sir.

May I interest you...

Sorry, I'm from the United States,

so I'm scared to talk to anyone from the island

who doesn't work at the resort.

Front Desk, this is Brian.

Yes, I'd like to request a wake-up call for tomorrow

even though every human on Earth

now has an alarm clock in their pocket.

Hey, Stewie. Sorry again about the mix-up

with your room, but I hope you're enjoying

the apology fruit platter I sent up.

It's mostly honeydew,

and not a berry to be found on the whole plate.

What do you mean? There's strawberries.

Not technically a berry.

It's actually an aggregate accessory fruit.

It's got the word "berry" in the name.

Doesn't make it a berry. It's also got the word "straw,"

but I'm not sipping my drink through it.

So, now I'm sitting here, staring at a bay

with a plate of aggregate accessory fruit

and wondering how you plan to make this up to me.

Hey, Peter. How's the trip going?

Awesome, Brian. Not only did I manage to find

the "World's Best Cheesecake,"

I even brought back an extra piece.

Hey, I saw Lois and Quagmire

have been posting a ton of stuff on Instagram.

Seems like they had quite a day.

Does... does this bother you at all?

No way. I'm doing vacation exactly right.

Some idiot's takin' my wife

to all the boring places I don't want to go.

Meanwhile, I'm at the hotel, just eating cheesecake

and ordering more towels.

Hey, can I get more towels to Room 412?

I think I'll get the salmon.

The salmon?

I think that's a great idea.

My God. What is that?

It's a Christmas ornament I got at the lighthouse gift shop.

I just love small things

that remind me of big things I've seen.

Settle down.

Another Oreo cookie milkshake with vodka in it.

You know, I'm feeling a little hot in these pants.

I may just go upstairs real quick

to change into a sarong.

I feel like I'd also like to slip into my sarong.

Sarong run?

You okay with them spending so much time together?

Yeah, no one in the history of the world

has ever gone on a sarong run.

Relax, it's fine.

And no amount of ominous waves

crashing onto a rocky shore

are gonna change my mind.

Now, Rupert, we mustn't let our new friends

see that we are anything but adults, just like they are.

So, Desmond, what did you do today?

I spent most of the day in the business center,

- as adults do. - Really?

Yes, they're running an Epson ET-5180 in there.

Not my preferred choice, but, you know,

thing jammed and I didn't even cry.

No tantrum. Just kept on doing my business.

You guys, let's totally do credit card roulette

to see who pays for dinner.

- Right? - Yeah. - I love it.

Indeed. H-h-here. Here. Here's mine.

This is a Peppa Pig bookmark.

No. No, they let you customize the credit card.

I almost went with the Montreal Expos.

They're not a team anymore.

Yeah, I'm a big nostalgia guy.

There you are, Stew... I mean, um, Mr. Voyáge.

With apologies for the earlier fruit plate,

please accept this complimentary seafood tower.

Great, now could you bring us another one

that you haven't talked all over?

And I'd say this is less a seafood tower

than it is a seafood duplex.

Perhaps you'd prefer a complimentary bottle

of our finest Riesling?

That's sweet.

It's the least we could do.

No, I'm talking about the Riesling.

I didn't realize this was a bachelorette party in Nashville.

Just bring back another seafood tower

and the score of the Expos game.

That... was amazing.

Desmond, you absolutely have

to join us on our yacht tomorrow.

Yacht? I say, that sounds lovely.

Yay!

We's gonna sail to and then hike up

a volcano called "The Purple Head."

That's right. We's gonna start at the base

and then work our way to the tip.

You've got to be careful, though,

because The Purple Head's been known to erupt

when you least expect it.

I even heard it's created the world's biggest ash-hole.

I'm gonna join this table.

Peter, it seems like it's been a while

since Quagmire and Lois went upstairs.

Yeah, fine, I'll go check on 'em.

My God.

And I gotta clean it all up.

Yes, this is Room 412.

Can I have some more towels, please?

Meg, look. It's that shirt.

God, I want it so bad.

You know, there is one way for me to get that rum

and for you to get that T-shirt.

We could always shoplift 'em.

Shoplift? Who do I look like,

celebrity film critic Rex Reed?

Convicted killer Robert Durst?

Journeyman quarterback Jameis Winston?

Okay, I'm not exactly sure what this is, but... yeah.

Okay.

- I'm not sure how we... - Relax, I got this.

Go into a changing room, put the rum in your backpack.

Meanwhile, I'll go into another changing room,

put the shirt on, then casually walk out

like I came in wearing it.

Okay. Got it.

What are you doing?

- Run! Run! I messed up! - Aah!

Desmond, you made it.

Yes, I'm sorry I'm late.

I was in the business center helping Mr. Takahashi

log into his United account.

Do you know he's 75?

I have no idea who you're talking about.

All right, now could someone please

help me onto the boat like a woman?

Yes, there you are,

just guide me by my wrist and elbow.

So, heading up the volcano again?

Yep.

And just like every year,

when we reach the top,

we're all going to make a sacrifice.

Sacrifice?

Well, no wonder they've been so nice to me, Rupert.

They're going to make a sacrifice to the volcano,

and I'm the only virgin on this boat.

No, no, no, I don't care if you found Jesus.

What happened before still counts.

Caught shoplifting booze and a T-shirt?

What were you guys thinking?

I'm sorry, Brian. I-I was just trying

to keep up with Neil Goldman.

Yeah, that "Señor Frog's Cancún" shirt?

Yeah, no, that thing's badass.

But, Meg, it says here you not only stole rum,

but also two tiny novelty license plates

that say "Mel" and "Greg"?

I was gonna cut 'em in half

and solder 'em together to spell "Meg".

There's no way people are still naming their kids "Mel."

Like, name one "Mel" under 50.

I think we're getting off track.

I'm just saying, you can stop printing the Mels.

- We don't print them. - Okay, then you can

stop ordering the Mels.

Hey, Lois,

open wide.

Glenn, I want you to take my cherry.

Yeah, I'll take your cherry.

You want my crust?

Ew, no. No, I mean, I like crust,

but don't...... don't say it like that.

This is Brian.

Brian, this is a resort executive

in a heavily-embroidered, open-collar shirt.

We've gotten several complaints from a very important guest,

Desmond Voyáge, including the fact that,

"the in-room movie selections don't include Michael Clayton,

"despite there clearly being a still image of it

on the home screen."

Frickin' Stewie.

He says, for him, "falling asleep to George Clooney

"shouting about toxic agrochemicals

scratches a very specific itch."

Yep, I'll handle it. Thanks.

I've missed you, captain.

And I've missed you, Brett.

It's... it's Brian.

Sorry, I...

I guess I'm always super wasted when we hang out.

Hey, so, this seems far enough, right?

Like, I'll bet if we turn around now,

we can still get back in time

to make fun of the cabana waitress

with the lopsided boob job, heh?

Damn it, Rupert, we're running out of ti...

I've got a signal. I've got to call Brian.

- Hello? - Brian, help!

I'm hiking to the top of a volcano

where I'm going to be thrown to my death as a sacrifice.

Screw you, Stewie!

You've turned my job into a total nightmare.

Hey, you-you think a novel set inside a mushroom

would be a good idea?

Except-except you wouldn't know it's a mushroom

until the very last page.

I'd call it Mushroom Surprise.

Well, that kind of gives it away.

No, no, 'cause in the story,

that-that's the guy's favorite soup,

so, like, that's what you'd think it means.

Honestly, I don't get the whole soup angle.

It seems needlessly confusing.

You don't know! You always think you're better than me.

Well, you're not.

In fact, I've met a ton of celebrities at this job.

- Name one. - Um... Brad?

Brad somebody? He was in, um...

Go to hell, Stewie! I'm not helping you.

Brian, please. Don't hang up!

Rupert, I'm so scared.

This may finally be the end for me...

Hello? Brian?

I remembered which Brad it was.

It was Toby Huss.

So, is there something you want to tell me?

Nothing, just swam with a dolphin this morning, no biggie.

Not you.

It actually was me. Check Facebook.

Peter, Lois and I don't know what you're talking about.

I know you've been eating cheesecake with my wife

behind my back.

You left a used napkin in the couch.

Okay, fine, Peter. It-it just, it looked too good.

Quagmire and I each had one bite, but that's it.

It's true. After that, we both felt so guilty,

we threw the rest of it off the balcony

and into the ocean.

Wow, this is, like, the world's best cheesecake.

Yeah. I saw the sign.

I'm sorry we lied to you, Peter.

But, look, I think there's a part of me that was angry

you seemed to care more about a dumb piece of cheesecake

than being on a romantic vacation with your wife.

It's my fault, too, Lois.

I'm sorry I've been kind of neglecting you this trip.

Hey, I know. How about we flush the whole afternoon

down the tubes by wandering through a bunch of boring,

overpriced boutiques?

That's all any woman wants. I love you, Peter.

Okay, Desmond, the moment has arrived.

Time to step up to the lip of the volcano.

This is it, Rupert.

If Lizzo ever writes back, I want you to have the letter.

Put it in a frame I would like.

Talk to Curt at Aaron Brothers, he's fantastic.

- Yay! We did it! - Did what?

Hey. I-I thought Dennis said

you were all going to make a sacrifice.

That's right.

The sacrifice is that we's posting a pic

with no filter and no photoshop.

And... posted.

Ooh, first comment.

"So brave to post such a terrible photo of yourselves."

Delete. Delete. Delete.

Fine, Stewie, maybe we don't have Michael Clayton.

But we got that Matt Damon fracking movie.

Basically the same thing. What's that... what is it called?

I want to, I want to say "Frack Damon"?

And-and, not enough berries on your plate?

I-I got some berries for you, of the dingle variety.

Housekeeping.

No, no, no...

You know, posting that photo wasn't the only sacrifice

- we made today. - Really?

Yep. You won't find a single carb on this boat.

Um... flatbread is a carb.

My God, he's right. Why did we think that?

- Just 'cause it's flat? - I must have had two boxes.

My hat that no one likes!

No!

I know!

So sad.

The lifeguard said the sharks were lured to the resort

because someone threw cheesecake in the water.

Is that right?

I don't know if I's ever gonna recover.

I could come back with you.

Let the healing begin!

Hey. Where have you been?

At the duty-free shop, buying six cartons of cigarettes,

a jug of Dior perfume and a tin of wafer cookies.

- Did you get a good deal? - I have no idea.

And what about you? You're coming home with us?

Yeah. I actually got fired for dragging my ass

on every inch of a guest's hotel room.

Aw, epic. Even their pillow?

- Yep. - Nice.

Maybe next year, we'll go to the White Lotus in Thailand.

I hear it's not as good.

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