All language subtitles for After.Youve.Gone.S03E09.1080p.iP.WEB-DL.AAC2.0.H.264-HECATE_track3_[eng]

af Afrikaans
ak Akan
sq Albanian
am Amharic
ar Arabic
hy Armenian
az Azerbaijani
eu Basque
be Belarusian
bem Bemba
bn Bengali
bh Bihari
bs Bosnian
br Breton
bg Bulgarian
km Cambodian
ca Catalan
ceb Cebuano
chr Cherokee
ny Chichewa
zh-CN Chinese (Simplified)
zh-TW Chinese (Traditional)
co Corsican
hr Croatian
cs Czech
da Danish
nl Dutch
en English
eo Esperanto
et Estonian
ee Ewe
fo Faroese
tl Filipino
fi Finnish
fr French
fy Frisian
gaa Ga
gl Galician
ka Georgian
de German
gn Guarani
gu Gujarati
ht Haitian Creole
ha Hausa
haw Hawaiian
iw Hebrew
hi Hindi
hmn Hmong
hu Hungarian
is Icelandic
ig Igbo
id Indonesian
ia Interlingua
ga Irish
it Italian
ja Japanese
jw Javanese
kn Kannada
kk Kazakh
rw Kinyarwanda
rn Kirundi
kg Kongo
ko Korean
kri Krio (Sierra Leone)
ku Kurdish
ckb Kurdish (Soranî)
ky Kyrgyz
lo Laothian
la Latin
lv Latvian
ln Lingala
lt Lithuanian
loz Lozi
lg Luganda
ach Luo
lb Luxembourgish
mk Macedonian
mg Malagasy
ms Malay
ml Malayalam
mt Maltese
mi Maori
mr Marathi
mfe Mauritian Creole
mo Moldavian
mn Mongolian
my Myanmar (Burmese)
sr-ME Montenegrin
ne Nepali
pcm Nigerian Pidgin
nso Northern Sotho
no Norwegian
nn Norwegian (Nynorsk)
oc Occitan
or Oriya
om Oromo
ps Pashto
fa Persian
pl Polish
pt-BR Portuguese (Brazil)
pt Portuguese (Portugal)
pa Punjabi
qu Quechua
ro Romanian
rm Romansh
nyn Runyakitara
ru Russian
sm Samoan
gd Scots Gaelic
sr Serbian
sh Serbo-Croatian
st Sesotho
tn Setswana
crs Seychellois Creole
sn Shona
sd Sindhi
si Sinhalese
sk Slovak
sl Slovenian
so Somali
es Spanish
es-419 Spanish (Latin American)
su Sundanese
sw Swahili
sv Swedish
tg Tajik
ta Tamil
tt Tatar
te Telugu
th Thai
ti Tigrinya
to Tonga
lua Tshiluba
tum Tumbuka
tr Turkish
tk Turkmen
tw Twi
ug Uighur
uk Ukrainian
ur Urdu
uz Uzbek
vi Vietnamese
cy Welsh
wo Wolof
xh Xhosa
yi Yiddish
yo Yoruba
zu Zulu
Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:02,120 --> 00:00:04,400 # After you've gone 2 00:00:04,400 --> 00:00:06,520 # And left me crying 3 00:00:06,520 --> 00:00:08,680 # After you've gone 4 00:00:08,680 --> 00:00:10,520 # There's no denying 5 00:00:10,520 --> 00:00:14,960 # Some day, when you feel lonely 6 00:00:14,960 --> 00:00:16,760 # Your heart will break like mine 7 00:00:16,760 --> 00:00:19,080 # And you'll want me only 8 00:00:19,080 --> 00:00:21,000 # After you've gone 9 00:00:21,000 --> 00:00:23,880 # After you've gone away. # 10 00:00:25,480 --> 00:00:28,120 So what do you think of the new barmaid? 11 00:00:28,120 --> 00:00:30,360 Yeah, seems very nice, friendly. 12 00:00:30,360 --> 00:00:32,840 Yes, and...? Efficient. 13 00:00:32,840 --> 00:00:37,880 No, you see, while Siobhan's off on holiday, I thought... 14 00:00:37,880 --> 00:00:43,840 why get a boring humdrum replacement, why not get lookalikes? 15 00:00:46,280 --> 00:00:50,640 Imagine, it's Christmas, you go into your local, you walk up to the bar 16 00:00:50,640 --> 00:00:56,520 and you say, "Look who's serving 17 00:00:50,640 --> 00:00:56,520 my beer, Gloria Hunniford!" 18 00:00:58,760 --> 00:01:02,040 Oh. Gloria Hunniford. 19 00:01:02,040 --> 00:01:06,320 Just one question, why Gloria Hunniford? 20 00:01:06,320 --> 00:01:08,920 Because that's who she looks like. 21 00:01:10,520 --> 00:01:15,600 Bobby, did you just hire a barmaid and then decide 22 00:01:10,520 --> 00:01:15,600 who she looked like afterwards? 23 00:01:15,600 --> 00:01:18,040 Maybe. 24 00:01:18,040 --> 00:01:21,520 Then why couldn't you have hired one that looked like Uma Thurman? 25 00:01:21,520 --> 00:01:23,480 She wouldn't do nights. 26 00:01:25,200 --> 00:01:29,320 I dunno, you squint your eyes and turn your head a little. 27 00:01:29,320 --> 00:01:33,280 I've won. What? I've won! Oh, wow! Jimmy's won a million pounds. 28 00:01:33,280 --> 00:01:36,480 No, it's 2,000, £2,000! 29 00:01:36,480 --> 00:01:41,160 Tough break, boss, better luck next time, eh? 30 00:01:41,160 --> 00:01:44,040 Kev, it's £2,000, it's fantastic! 31 00:01:44,040 --> 00:01:45,920 Yeah, but imagine a million. 32 00:01:45,920 --> 00:01:48,960 Think of all the Christmas presents I can buy for the kids now. 33 00:01:48,960 --> 00:01:53,720 Let me buy your pint. I'll get these, you just lost £998,000. 34 00:02:00,760 --> 00:02:02,600 What are you thinking, Brendan? 35 00:02:02,600 --> 00:02:05,880 Lovely crumble. Ah. 36 00:02:05,880 --> 00:02:10,040 Hello, who's this? This is Brendan. Brendan, this is my dad. 37 00:02:10,040 --> 00:02:11,280 Hello, Mr Venables. 38 00:02:11,280 --> 00:02:12,520 Oh, you can call me J... 39 00:02:12,520 --> 00:02:15,160 No, Mr Venables is fine. 40 00:02:15,160 --> 00:02:17,480 I really think Brendan's the one for me. 41 00:02:17,480 --> 00:02:20,720 Just be careful, Molly, teenage boys are only after one thing. 42 00:02:20,720 --> 00:02:22,520 You got any custard to go with this? 43 00:02:26,160 --> 00:02:28,400 Think you might be all right with this one. 44 00:02:29,880 --> 00:02:31,560 Sorry, you ate it all. 45 00:02:31,560 --> 00:02:33,400 Oh, well, I'd better be going. 46 00:02:33,400 --> 00:02:35,200 Ooh, are those mince pies? 47 00:02:35,200 --> 00:02:38,560 Yeah, help yourself. Great. She didn't mean take the whole... 48 00:02:40,080 --> 00:02:41,360 Who's that? 49 00:02:41,360 --> 00:02:44,200 Oh, that was Brendan, he may be the one. 50 00:02:44,200 --> 00:02:46,760 Although he eats enough for three. 51 00:02:46,760 --> 00:02:51,440 Just a quick visit. I'm timing you. I've brought a list of things for you to do while I'm away, 52 00:02:51,440 --> 00:02:55,520 to make Christmas special. Oh, it's already special, Diana, you're going away. 53 00:02:55,520 --> 00:02:58,760 Yes, two weeks in glorious, sunny Florida. 54 00:02:58,760 --> 00:03:01,840 I don't get this house exchange thing. 55 00:03:01,840 --> 00:03:05,600 How come you get to stay in a beach front property in the Florida Quays 56 00:03:05,600 --> 00:03:10,160 and some innocent Americans end up in your tiny two-up two-down overlooking a demolition site? 57 00:03:10,160 --> 00:03:13,360 That's a city farm. Oh, right. 58 00:03:13,360 --> 00:03:15,680 What are they growing there? Crack addicts? 59 00:03:15,680 --> 00:03:18,000 CRYING 60 00:03:15,680 --> 00:03:18,000 Yellow alert, yellow alert, 61 00:03:18,000 --> 00:03:19,560 we've got a gusher! 62 00:03:22,320 --> 00:03:27,320 What is that? It's my baby Kaka. Baby Kaka? 63 00:03:27,320 --> 00:03:29,840 Yeah, it's completely lifelike. 64 00:03:29,840 --> 00:03:31,480 It eats, it burps. 65 00:03:32,640 --> 00:03:34,920 Bring back memories, eh, Dad? 66 00:03:34,920 --> 00:03:37,560 Yeah, pity we couldn't do that to you. 67 00:03:39,400 --> 00:03:42,200 Isn't it strange for you to be playing with dolls at your age? 68 00:03:42,200 --> 00:03:47,280 Ah, but this is strictly business, Gran, the baby Kaka is set to be 69 00:03:42,200 --> 00:03:47,280 this year's must-have toy. 70 00:03:47,280 --> 00:03:52,280 I've been stockpiling since November. You should see my room, it's like Angelina Jolie's garage. 71 00:03:53,960 --> 00:03:56,760 And what's all this in aid of? My future. 72 00:03:56,760 --> 00:03:58,400 Your future as a weird old man 73 00:03:58,400 --> 00:04:04,400 who collects dolls. Laugh now, but a few days before Christmas 74 00:03:58,400 --> 00:04:04,400 when all the shops have sold out, 75 00:04:04,400 --> 00:04:08,880 I'll be the only baby Kaka outlet in town and I get to choose the price. 76 00:04:08,880 --> 00:04:12,520 I think it's very enterprising. 77 00:04:08,880 --> 00:04:12,520 Christmas isn't just about buying things. 78 00:04:12,520 --> 00:04:14,840 Well, of course you'd say that. 79 00:04:14,840 --> 00:04:17,640 Wait and see, I had a bit of good luck. 80 00:04:17,640 --> 00:04:22,000 I'm not gonna go into details, but this Christmas, you kids are in for a big surprise. 81 00:04:22,000 --> 00:04:24,280 Oh, not food poisoning again. 82 00:04:26,080 --> 00:04:31,800 Well, thankfully, I won't be here to see it, I'll be sunning myself 83 00:04:26,080 --> 00:04:31,800 in the Florida Quays. Ta-ta! 84 00:04:31,800 --> 00:04:33,760 Someone should warn the alligators. 85 00:04:53,280 --> 00:04:57,040 # Oh, the weather outside is frightful 86 00:04:57,040 --> 00:05:00,800 # But the fire is so delightful 87 00:05:00,800 --> 00:05:03,600 # And since we've no place to go... # 88 00:05:03,600 --> 00:05:04,800 This can't be it. 89 00:05:04,800 --> 00:05:06,920 Maybe it's the gatehouse. 90 00:05:06,920 --> 00:05:09,680 I can't wait to see the pool! 91 00:05:14,800 --> 00:05:17,040 # Deck the halls with no Diana! 92 00:05:17,040 --> 00:05:18,920 # Fa-la la-la-la La-la la-la. # 93 00:05:18,920 --> 00:05:21,840 So, if I bought 12 baby Kakas 94 00:05:21,840 --> 00:05:27,160 at £29.99, then by 21st December - the date that the parents will be 95 00:05:21,840 --> 00:05:27,160 getting really anxious - 96 00:05:27,160 --> 00:05:30,400 I'll be able to charge...£40 a pop. 97 00:05:30,400 --> 00:05:33,280 No, make it 50... 98 00:05:35,360 --> 00:05:38,720 Wow, I've spelt "BOOBS!" 99 00:05:40,040 --> 00:05:42,680 Wow, someone ring Mensa(!) 100 00:05:42,680 --> 00:05:45,240 Well, your Gran should be taking off about now. 101 00:05:45,240 --> 00:05:47,160 Hope she has a really nice time. 102 00:05:47,160 --> 00:05:51,560 In fact, I hope she has such a lovely time, she decides to retire there. 103 00:05:51,560 --> 00:05:55,000 # On the first day of Christmas Diana went away... # 104 00:05:55,000 --> 00:05:58,360 Dad, what do you think I should get Brendan for Christmas? Yes, 105 00:05:58,360 --> 00:06:01,320 what do you buy the boy who eats everything? 106 00:06:01,320 --> 00:06:03,080 Erm... 107 00:06:03,080 --> 00:06:04,360 A gastric band perhaps? 108 00:06:06,040 --> 00:06:10,000 MOBILE PHONE RINGS 109 00:06:12,000 --> 00:06:14,880 Hello? Hey, is that Mr Jimmy Vimable? 110 00:06:14,880 --> 00:06:17,720 Er, almost, it's Venables. 111 00:06:17,720 --> 00:06:19,880 Er, this is Bill Tucker. 112 00:06:19,880 --> 00:06:23,280 My wife and I did the home exchange with Diana Neil... 113 00:06:23,280 --> 00:06:26,600 Oh, right, how are you settling in, did you have a good flight? 114 00:06:26,600 --> 00:06:28,600 How'd you get this number? 115 00:06:28,600 --> 00:06:33,040 Well, Mrs Neil gave it to us, she said that you were like the janitor, or something. 116 00:06:34,240 --> 00:06:37,520 Did she now? Yeah, we got a... 117 00:06:37,520 --> 00:06:40,280 couple of issues that need resolution. 118 00:06:40,280 --> 00:06:41,800 I beg your pardon? 119 00:06:41,800 --> 00:06:44,000 One of the light bulbs seems to have blown. 120 00:06:44,000 --> 00:06:46,520 Well, that's easy enough to fix, 121 00:06:44,000 --> 00:06:46,520 no problem. 122 00:06:46,520 --> 00:06:48,600 That's great, so you'll come right over? 123 00:06:48,600 --> 00:06:51,080 No, I meant that's easy enough for you to fix. 124 00:06:51,080 --> 00:06:53,840 There'll be some bulbs somewhere, cupboard under the stairs. 125 00:06:53,840 --> 00:06:56,360 Pardon me? Sorry, closet. 126 00:06:58,000 --> 00:07:02,280 You know, your gran is the only person who can annoy me from 3,000 miles away. 127 00:07:02,280 --> 00:07:04,160 How dare she give them my number? 128 00:07:04,160 --> 00:07:06,360 Oh, she dare! 129 00:07:06,360 --> 00:07:08,480 PHONE RINGS 130 00:07:06,360 --> 00:07:08,480 Oh! 131 00:07:08,480 --> 00:07:10,640 Yeah... 132 00:07:10,640 --> 00:07:12,320 Hello? 133 00:07:12,320 --> 00:07:16,000 Oh, hi, this is Faye Tucker, Bill's wife. 134 00:07:16,000 --> 00:07:18,560 I feel we got off on the wrong foot just now. 135 00:07:18,560 --> 00:07:22,160 We don't mean to be unreasonable, it's just that it's getting dark out 136 00:07:22,160 --> 00:07:26,000 and it's not even 3:30. I mean, what's with that? 137 00:07:26,000 --> 00:07:29,480 Yes. All right, I'll come over later. 138 00:07:29,480 --> 00:07:32,600 In the meantime, just sit tight and watch TV or something. 139 00:07:32,600 --> 00:07:35,960 Oh, that's the other thing, we only get five channels. 140 00:07:35,960 --> 00:07:40,000 And my husband wants to know, where's the rest of the house? 141 00:07:40,960 --> 00:07:43,160 Have you tried down the back of the sofa? 142 00:07:45,960 --> 00:07:49,560 Next, they'll be asking me to flush the loo for them. It's Gran. 143 00:07:49,560 --> 00:07:50,920 You're telling me it's Gran. 144 00:07:50,920 --> 00:07:53,480 No, really, it's Gran. 145 00:08:03,440 --> 00:08:04,480 So you're OK? 146 00:08:04,480 --> 00:08:08,440 Yes. The car's a write-off, I'm fine, just a bit shaken. 147 00:08:08,440 --> 00:08:10,520 And the other person's all right? 148 00:08:10,520 --> 00:08:13,240 Well, it wasn't exactly another person. 149 00:08:13,240 --> 00:08:15,640 Well, what was it then, a wood troll? 150 00:08:16,600 --> 00:08:18,720 If you must know, it was a cow. 151 00:08:24,400 --> 00:08:28,000 You hit a cow? I was on my way 152 00:08:24,400 --> 00:08:28,000 to the airport and I was taking 153 00:08:28,000 --> 00:08:31,000 my usual short cut, and then for some reason, there was this cow. 154 00:08:31,000 --> 00:08:33,800 Well, what was a cow doing in the road? 155 00:08:33,800 --> 00:08:35,560 Did I say I was on the road? 156 00:08:38,360 --> 00:08:40,400 It was a short cut, all right? 157 00:08:40,400 --> 00:08:45,360 It starts on the road and then it goes sort of through a farm 158 00:08:40,400 --> 00:08:45,360 and then kind of across a field. 159 00:08:45,360 --> 00:08:51,200 I've done it hundreds of times and for some reason, this time, 160 00:08:45,360 --> 00:08:51,200 there was a cow in the way. 161 00:08:51,200 --> 00:08:55,920 Who would have thought it, a cow in a field?! 162 00:08:55,920 --> 00:08:57,480 What rotten luck! 163 00:08:57,480 --> 00:08:59,720 Yes, it's not usually there. 164 00:09:01,680 --> 00:09:03,440 Should have sounded its horn. 165 00:09:05,480 --> 00:09:09,200 Didn't it realise you were trying to get a MOO-ve on?! 166 00:09:09,200 --> 00:09:14,280 That's enough, Jimmy. Well, didn't 167 00:09:09,200 --> 00:09:14,280 you see it coming the UDDER way? 168 00:09:14,280 --> 00:09:17,360 Shut up! Sorry, sorry. 169 00:09:17,360 --> 00:09:18,880 I'm milking it. 170 00:09:21,680 --> 00:09:24,800 It was a very upsetting experience. 171 00:09:24,800 --> 00:09:28,240 Put some brandy in this, would you? There's some over there. 172 00:09:29,760 --> 00:09:32,400 Anyway, I've missed my flight. 173 00:09:32,400 --> 00:09:34,080 Well, you can get another one, 174 00:09:34,080 --> 00:09:39,040 can't you? It's the week before Christmas, Jimmy, everything's booked. 175 00:09:39,040 --> 00:09:42,360 Are you sure, Diana, have you tried absolutely everything? 176 00:09:42,360 --> 00:09:47,080 Well, short of booking my berth on a tramp steamer and working 177 00:09:42,360 --> 00:09:47,080 my passage shovelling coal! 178 00:09:48,040 --> 00:09:49,200 It's an option. 179 00:09:51,320 --> 00:09:55,160 I'll never get to Florida now. No, no, that's a shame. 180 00:09:55,160 --> 00:09:58,920 Well, you'd better get off home. 181 00:09:55,160 --> 00:09:58,920 I can't go to my house, it's full of Americans. 182 00:09:58,920 --> 00:10:02,480 Well, you can't stay here. Give me one good reason. 183 00:09:58,920 --> 00:10:02,480 You'll spoil everything. 184 00:10:03,920 --> 00:10:06,880 Jimmy, it's Christmas. You said one good reason, off you go. 185 00:10:06,880 --> 00:10:08,920 Look, you won't even know I'm here. 186 00:10:08,920 --> 00:10:10,480 Neither did that cow. 187 00:10:11,800 --> 00:10:16,400 I'll sleep on the sofa bed, I'll fold it up before you're even awake and I'll be last in the queue 188 00:10:16,400 --> 00:10:21,080 to the bathroom. You won't even have to buy me a present. Oh, great, now I've got to buy you a present. 189 00:10:21,080 --> 00:10:25,320 PHONE RINGS 190 00:10:25,320 --> 00:10:26,400 Ah, this is for you, 191 00:10:26,400 --> 00:10:27,680 it's the Tuckers. 192 00:10:27,680 --> 00:10:31,880 I can't speak to them, I'm supposed to be in Florida looking after their house. 193 00:10:31,880 --> 00:10:35,280 Please, Jimmy, deal with it. I've had a pig of a day. 194 00:10:35,280 --> 00:10:38,040 You hit a pig as well? 195 00:10:38,040 --> 00:10:39,760 Hello... 196 00:10:41,280 --> 00:10:44,960 ..That's because we don't eat as much. 197 00:10:44,960 --> 00:10:47,640 He wants to know why the fridge is so small. 198 00:10:47,640 --> 00:10:50,840 The good news is, they've worked out how to change a light bulb. 199 00:10:50,840 --> 00:10:53,000 That's the frontier spirit. 200 00:10:53,000 --> 00:10:55,040 I'll start to unpack. 201 00:10:55,040 --> 00:10:58,440 Stupid cow. What? 202 00:10:58,440 --> 00:11:00,080 Not you. 203 00:11:04,960 --> 00:11:08,720 If anything, Mr Heathcot, 204 00:11:08,720 --> 00:11:13,000 you should pay for the damage to my car. After all, it was your cow. 205 00:11:16,720 --> 00:11:19,880 Juice, Molly? Er, yes, please, Dad. 206 00:11:19,880 --> 00:11:22,440 Trespassing's an ugly word, Mr Heathcot. 207 00:11:22,440 --> 00:11:29,280 I was merely exercising my right to roam under the Countryside And Rights Of Way Act, 1997. 208 00:11:30,240 --> 00:11:32,800 ..Yes, in a car. 209 00:11:34,320 --> 00:11:38,040 What are you looking for? Somewhere to go with Brendan tomorrow. 210 00:11:38,040 --> 00:11:41,720 Prosecution is an ugly word, Mr Heathcot. 211 00:11:41,720 --> 00:11:46,600 All right, I'll pay for your cow. But if I do that, that means I own it, right? 212 00:11:46,600 --> 00:11:49,440 Good, when can I expect delivery? 213 00:11:51,120 --> 00:11:56,760 You should take him to that all-you-can-eat place on the 214 00:11:51,120 --> 00:11:56,760 high street. Oh, he's been barred. 215 00:11:56,760 --> 00:11:59,480 EU-subsidised buffoon! 216 00:12:09,480 --> 00:12:11,880 Gloria Hunniford not in today? 217 00:12:11,880 --> 00:12:15,400 Nah, you were right, did a little client recognition. 218 00:12:15,400 --> 00:12:19,480 It's strictly Hollywood A-list from now on, see... 219 00:12:20,360 --> 00:12:21,920 See what? 220 00:12:21,920 --> 00:12:24,200 Jack Nicholson. 221 00:12:29,000 --> 00:12:31,640 Here's Johnny! 222 00:12:32,840 --> 00:12:35,520 Lovely. Spot-on! 223 00:12:35,520 --> 00:12:37,120 What can I get you, gentlemen? 224 00:12:37,120 --> 00:12:40,080 Oh, erm, a pint of lager and a Coke, please. 225 00:12:40,080 --> 00:12:43,120 Coming right up. 226 00:12:44,640 --> 00:12:47,600 It's a little different, isn't it? 227 00:12:47,600 --> 00:12:51,560 Well, I think I can safely say he's not like anybody I've seen before. 228 00:12:51,560 --> 00:12:54,360 Well, well, well, what burst your festive bubble? 229 00:12:54,360 --> 00:12:58,680 It's finally sunk in, hasn't it, 230 00:12:54,360 --> 00:12:58,680 a million pounds? 231 00:12:58,680 --> 00:13:02,160 Kev, I'm quite happy with my £2,000, thank you. 232 00:13:02,160 --> 00:13:08,400 No, it's Diana, swanning back, moving in, disrupting all my plans for Christmas. Which were? 233 00:13:08,400 --> 00:13:10,480 Well, nothing, that's just it. 234 00:13:10,480 --> 00:13:16,840 Watching telly, eating, basking in the adulation of my children as they open their expensive presents. 235 00:13:16,840 --> 00:13:23,360 But now, I've got to do things, talk to people, shave, put on trousers. 236 00:13:23,360 --> 00:13:25,080 It's not fair. 237 00:13:25,080 --> 00:13:29,600 She's already dragging us off to some boring opera tonight, 238 00:13:25,080 --> 00:13:29,600 "as a family." 239 00:13:29,600 --> 00:13:32,400 Yeah, but you don't know it's gonna be boring. 240 00:13:32,400 --> 00:13:37,360 Oh, no, no, it might be one of those fun operas we hear so much about. 241 00:13:37,360 --> 00:13:40,880 You know? With Bruce Willis, car chases and partial female nudity. 242 00:13:40,880 --> 00:13:47,120 PHONE RINGS 243 00:13:40,880 --> 00:13:47,120 It's them again. 244 00:13:47,120 --> 00:13:49,560 Hello, Mr Tucker... 245 00:13:49,560 --> 00:13:54,480 Well, the red one's hot and the blue one's cold... 246 00:13:54,480 --> 00:14:00,640 Well, you mix the water in the basin after it's come out of the tap... 247 00:14:00,640 --> 00:14:03,880 Yes, isn't this a crazy country?! 248 00:14:05,400 --> 00:14:08,480 It's comforting to know they're having as bad a time as I am. 249 00:14:08,480 --> 00:14:10,360 Here's your lager! 250 00:14:11,840 --> 00:14:13,280 Here's your Coke! 251 00:14:14,720 --> 00:14:17,720 Here's your change! 252 00:14:17,720 --> 00:14:19,360 Little pigs, little pigs. 253 00:14:23,360 --> 00:14:25,680 There, that's cheered you up. 254 00:14:28,960 --> 00:14:32,840 Well, that was a pile of poop. The Love for Three Oranges 255 00:14:32,840 --> 00:14:34,520 is Prokofiev's masterpiece. 256 00:14:34,520 --> 00:14:37,040 Should have slipped out after the first orange. 257 00:14:40,160 --> 00:14:43,600 That's the last fruit-based opera I'm letting you drag me to. 258 00:14:47,920 --> 00:14:50,480 Oh, no... What? 259 00:14:50,480 --> 00:14:53,000 Not at Christmas. 260 00:14:53,000 --> 00:14:55,000 We've been burgled. 261 00:14:55,000 --> 00:14:58,760 Oh, for heaven's sake! The presents! 262 00:14:58,840 --> 00:15:00,240 My baby Kakas! 263 00:15:01,320 --> 00:15:03,800 Yeah, they've all gone, every single one of them. 264 00:15:03,800 --> 00:15:08,760 Oh, it's all right, Dad, you can easily replace a couple of pairs of socks and a Boots voucher. 265 00:15:08,760 --> 00:15:11,640 No, you don't understand, this year was gonna be different. 266 00:15:11,640 --> 00:15:13,520 Bubble bath and a Boots voucher. 267 00:15:13,520 --> 00:15:16,800 Panic over, the dolls are safe. 268 00:15:16,800 --> 00:15:18,440 No, listen I... 269 00:15:18,440 --> 00:15:23,200 I bought this scratch card and I won £2,000. I didn't wanna tell anyone, 270 00:15:23,200 --> 00:15:28,600 cos I wanted to give my kids a lovely surprise for Christmas. Is this the plot of another opera? 271 00:15:28,600 --> 00:15:32,560 No, I bought all these really, really expensive presents. 272 00:15:32,560 --> 00:15:35,200 And now they've all been stolen. 273 00:15:35,200 --> 00:15:38,800 And we'll never know if you were telling the truth. 274 00:15:38,800 --> 00:15:40,840 How convenient! 275 00:15:42,080 --> 00:15:45,280 And the worst thing is, no-one will believe how generous I am. 276 00:15:45,280 --> 00:15:48,360 Well, now is your chance to show us. 277 00:15:48,360 --> 00:15:50,920 Pint of lager, please, Jack Nicholson. 278 00:15:52,440 --> 00:15:55,400 You made me an offer I can't refuse. 279 00:15:55,400 --> 00:15:57,120 That's Marlon Brando. 280 00:15:57,120 --> 00:15:59,440 I do him as well. 281 00:16:05,120 --> 00:16:08,000 I mean, who robs somebody at Christmas? 282 00:16:08,000 --> 00:16:11,120 Well, you only have yourself to blame. Don't you remember? 283 00:16:11,120 --> 00:16:15,480 "Listen to me, everyone, listen, I've just won 2,000 quid." 284 00:16:15,480 --> 00:16:19,520 What, are you saying it's someone from in here? I'm saying nothing. 285 00:16:19,520 --> 00:16:22,600 But 75% of my customers are scum. 286 00:16:24,120 --> 00:16:25,680 It could be anyone. 287 00:16:47,000 --> 00:16:50,400 What? Oh, that really hurts. 288 00:16:51,360 --> 00:16:53,960 What about him, Bobby, what's his story? 289 00:16:53,960 --> 00:16:57,680 Mr Deakin, no, he's one of my regulars. At least he was, 290 00:16:57,680 --> 00:17:01,040 then he went away for six months, then he came back, 291 00:17:01,040 --> 00:17:04,760 then he went away for 90 days, then he came back, 292 00:17:04,760 --> 00:17:08,080 then he went away for five years. 293 00:17:08,080 --> 00:17:10,240 So what does that say to you? 294 00:17:10,240 --> 00:17:12,200 He's got a timeshare. 295 00:17:14,120 --> 00:17:18,520 Or a holiday apartment in Strangeways. 296 00:17:18,520 --> 00:17:20,960 Ah, it's easy to get paranoid. 297 00:17:20,960 --> 00:17:25,280 Bobby, he was in here the night I won the scratch card and when I was 298 00:17:25,280 --> 00:17:28,800 talking about going to the opera, he knew the house would be empty. 299 00:17:28,800 --> 00:17:33,560 And let's face it, he looks well dodgy, and that's coming from me. 300 00:17:33,560 --> 00:17:37,600 Look at that, look, that's gotta be a stolen watch. 301 00:17:37,600 --> 00:17:43,600 How dare he? Fencing it on in my pub and not even offering me a cut. 302 00:17:43,600 --> 00:17:48,200 I think the police will be very interested in what I'm about to tell them. 303 00:17:49,280 --> 00:17:56,360 Oh, my God! How could they steal an entire ham? That was for Christmas! 304 00:17:56,360 --> 00:18:00,080 Actually, Brendan ate that, he fancied a sandwich. 305 00:18:00,080 --> 00:18:04,640 With brandy butter and stuffing and a whole wheel of brie? 306 00:18:04,640 --> 00:18:06,720 Brendan can't get enough of my food. 307 00:18:06,720 --> 00:18:09,880 Oh, it must be love. I know! 308 00:18:09,880 --> 00:18:15,600 Right, done it, I'm off down the high street to flog some of these babies. 309 00:18:15,600 --> 00:18:18,240 Well, they are actually babies. 310 00:18:18,240 --> 00:18:23,200 Christmas is getting close, parents are getting panicky and I intend to take full financial advantage 311 00:18:23,200 --> 00:18:26,680 of the situation. And a merry Christmas to you. 312 00:18:26,680 --> 00:18:28,200 PHONE BLEEPS 313 00:18:28,200 --> 00:18:31,120 Ooh, I'd better get going. Mum got your tea on the table? 314 00:18:31,120 --> 00:18:33,680 No, I'm helping Sarah from physics with her homework. 315 00:18:33,680 --> 00:18:35,840 Well, fine, off you go then. 316 00:18:35,840 --> 00:18:38,080 I'm sure I can give you your Christmas present later. 317 00:18:38,080 --> 00:18:41,160 I'm sure the pate will keep. Oh, pate? 318 00:18:41,160 --> 00:18:43,960 It's duck liver pate. 319 00:18:43,960 --> 00:18:45,640 Our Christmas hamper? 320 00:18:45,640 --> 00:18:48,560 I suppose Sarah can wait. 321 00:18:48,560 --> 00:18:50,800 Molly, it's a bit extravagant, isn't it? 322 00:18:50,800 --> 00:18:54,720 No, it's all right, I'll just cut down on presents for everyone else. 323 00:18:54,720 --> 00:18:56,240 There you are. 324 00:18:57,880 --> 00:19:02,520 Chocolate money? How delightful(!) Shouldn't we wait for Christmas day? 325 00:19:02,520 --> 00:19:06,080 I wouldn't, if I were you, it says best before December 20th. 326 00:19:07,680 --> 00:19:11,160 Oh, fine, enjoy the rest of your Christmas party. 327 00:19:11,160 --> 00:19:15,000 Never mind, boss. It's ridiculous, what's wrong with the police force these days? 328 00:19:15,000 --> 00:19:17,480 It's not been the same since Taggart died. 329 00:19:19,760 --> 00:19:22,000 Just gonna have to do their job for them. 330 00:19:22,000 --> 00:19:25,920 Oh, that's vigilante talk, I like it. 331 00:19:25,920 --> 00:19:28,480 All we have to do is catch the villains in the act. 332 00:19:28,480 --> 00:19:32,040 Well, it's not as if they're gonna come back, is it? They've already cleaned me out. 333 00:19:32,040 --> 00:19:33,600 But they don't know that. 334 00:19:33,600 --> 00:19:38,000 So, Jimmy, going out again tonight? 335 00:19:38,000 --> 00:19:40,240 What? 336 00:19:40,240 --> 00:19:44,040 Oh, yes, out all night, 337 00:19:44,040 --> 00:19:47,840 whole family, place is going to be completely empty. 338 00:19:47,840 --> 00:19:52,160 And remember all that lovely stuff you bought that the stupid burglar missed. 339 00:19:52,160 --> 00:19:56,080 Oh, yes, like that early sketch of Monet's water lilies, 340 00:19:56,080 --> 00:20:00,320 that genuine Hockney print and the Rembrandt. 341 00:20:00,320 --> 00:20:02,680 All right, Kev, don't overdo it. All right. 342 00:20:02,680 --> 00:20:04,600 Unattributed Rembrandt. 343 00:20:08,120 --> 00:20:10,240 DOORBELL RINGS 344 00:20:16,640 --> 00:20:20,240 Oh, leave the door open, make it easy for them. 345 00:20:20,240 --> 00:20:23,840 Everyone's out, Diana's at some Christmas drink-up, 346 00:20:23,840 --> 00:20:28,440 Molly's round at Brendan's and Alex is off selling babies. What? Long story. 347 00:20:28,440 --> 00:20:32,320 OK, weapons. I've got a nine iron, a cricket bat and a rugby ball. 348 00:20:32,320 --> 00:20:34,800 There was a sale on at the sports shop. 349 00:20:36,520 --> 00:20:38,360 Excellent. 350 00:20:38,360 --> 00:20:43,200 I tell you, Jimmy, if it comes down to him or me, it'll be him. 351 00:20:43,200 --> 00:20:49,240 Well, you might wanna lighten up a bit. I'm sorry, Jimmy, but when my dander's up, I'm a killing machine! 352 00:20:50,960 --> 00:20:52,720 You'd better have the rugby ball. 353 00:20:55,920 --> 00:20:59,080 Babies, get your babies! 354 00:21:02,000 --> 00:21:04,360 Is that a baby Kaka? 355 00:21:04,360 --> 00:21:07,520 That's right, sir, this year's must-have Christmas toy... 356 00:21:07,520 --> 00:21:12,440 60 quid. Simmonds have got them for £29.99. Have they, sir? 357 00:21:12,440 --> 00:21:15,000 Well, they say they're getting some in. 358 00:21:15,000 --> 00:21:16,840 They're getting some in. 359 00:21:16,840 --> 00:21:20,320 Well, that's what you can tell your daughter on Christmas day. 360 00:21:20,320 --> 00:21:25,000 "I don't have a present for you, darling, but they're getting some in." All right, 361 00:21:25,000 --> 00:21:26,720 all right, 60 quid. 362 00:21:26,720 --> 00:21:29,640 Ah, sorry, the price has just gone up. 363 00:21:30,640 --> 00:21:34,080 Seventy. Eighty. Fine. 364 00:21:36,320 --> 00:21:37,600 Thank you. 365 00:21:43,520 --> 00:21:44,760 Goodbye. 366 00:21:54,960 --> 00:21:58,040 HE SNORES 367 00:21:59,520 --> 00:22:01,720 CLATTER 368 00:22:01,720 --> 00:22:03,400 (It's him!) 369 00:22:08,640 --> 00:22:11,320 Aaaaahhhhh...! 370 00:22:11,320 --> 00:22:12,960 Ow! Aaah! 371 00:22:12,960 --> 00:22:14,680 Oof! 372 00:22:15,640 --> 00:22:17,800 Diana, it's me, it's me... 373 00:22:17,800 --> 00:22:19,000 Ow! 374 00:22:19,960 --> 00:22:22,920 Agh! Oh, what a woman! 375 00:22:23,880 --> 00:22:26,760 HE SNORES 376 00:22:28,240 --> 00:22:31,480 There you go. Now, you will take care of him, won't you? 377 00:22:31,480 --> 00:22:34,280 Yeah, of course we will. 378 00:22:31,480 --> 00:22:34,280 And don't let him eat junk food. 379 00:22:34,280 --> 00:22:36,040 It's just a doll. 380 00:22:36,040 --> 00:22:40,000 Yeah, of course, you're right, it's just a doll. 381 00:22:41,560 --> 00:22:43,080 Goodbye, Joshua. 382 00:22:45,880 --> 00:22:49,000 All right, my little ones? A little cold, are we? 383 00:22:49,000 --> 00:22:53,920 CRYING 384 00:22:49,000 --> 00:22:53,920 Ah, Toby, shush-shush! 385 00:22:56,960 --> 00:23:00,680 LAUGHTER 386 00:22:56,960 --> 00:23:00,680 There he is. 387 00:23:00,680 --> 00:23:04,040 Here, 388 00:23:00,680 --> 00:23:04,040 you the guy with the Kaka dolls? 389 00:23:04,040 --> 00:23:05,920 Erm, yes, why? 390 00:23:05,920 --> 00:23:07,560 I'll have three. 391 00:23:09,760 --> 00:23:11,640 There you go, darling. 392 00:23:09,760 --> 00:23:11,640 CRYING 393 00:23:11,640 --> 00:23:13,600 Actually, we're just closing. What? 394 00:23:13,600 --> 00:23:17,800 They're not for sale, here's your money back. Hey! I'm sorry, 395 00:23:17,800 --> 00:23:20,080 you're just not fit to be parents to a baby Kaka. 396 00:23:20,080 --> 00:23:23,240 Eh? In fact, if you don't walk away 397 00:23:20,080 --> 00:23:23,240 now, I'm calling Social Services. 398 00:23:23,240 --> 00:23:25,080 All right, all right, we're going. 399 00:23:30,960 --> 00:23:32,880 Come on, children, we're going home. 400 00:23:38,440 --> 00:23:43,680 What are you playing at, Jimmy? The front door was open, I thought you were burglars. 401 00:23:43,680 --> 00:23:46,280 You're the one who was wearing a hoodie. 402 00:23:46,280 --> 00:23:50,600 This is a Jaeger winter collection cashmere cardigan. 403 00:23:50,600 --> 00:23:55,520 Oh, I'm terribly sorry, it was 404 00:23:50,600 --> 00:23:55,520 a little too dark to read the label! 405 00:23:55,520 --> 00:23:56,680 Ah... 406 00:23:56,680 --> 00:23:58,640 Well, did you catch Mr Deakin? 407 00:23:58,640 --> 00:24:01,360 Who's Mr Deakin? The burglar... Ooh! 408 00:24:01,360 --> 00:24:03,840 Well, if you know his name, why didn't you tell the police? 409 00:24:03,840 --> 00:24:09,600 I did, but I couldn't make myself heard over the sound of traffic 410 00:24:03,840 --> 00:24:09,600 division playing pass the parcel. 411 00:24:09,600 --> 00:24:12,080 Oh, it's not been the same since Morse died. 412 00:24:14,560 --> 00:24:16,000 It's not fair. 413 00:24:16,000 --> 00:24:18,200 I get beaten up by Granbo here... 414 00:24:19,320 --> 00:24:21,800 ..and Deakin gets to enjoy all my lovely gifts. 415 00:24:21,800 --> 00:24:25,000 How would he like it if his house was burgled at Christmas? 416 00:24:25,000 --> 00:24:28,000 Actually, Jimmy, that's not a bad idea. 417 00:24:28,000 --> 00:24:31,880 Two ideas in one night, it's like Plato's Academy in here. 418 00:24:31,880 --> 00:24:34,880 Don't you see, Jimmy? It's natural justice. 419 00:24:34,880 --> 00:24:39,560 He steals your presents, you steal 420 00:24:34,880 --> 00:24:39,560 them back. I like the sound of that. 421 00:24:39,560 --> 00:24:42,520 PHONE RINGS 422 00:24:42,520 --> 00:24:44,840 Hello. Hi, this is Bill Tucker. 423 00:24:44,840 --> 00:24:49,120 It's those Americans, how did they get this number? I don't know... Oh. 424 00:24:49,120 --> 00:24:50,800 Yes, I do, I gave it to them. 425 00:24:50,800 --> 00:24:52,960 What? 'Hello?' 426 00:24:52,960 --> 00:24:57,880 Oh, hello, Mr Tucker. 427 00:24:52,960 --> 00:24:57,880 How are you doing, Mrs Neil? 428 00:24:57,880 --> 00:25:00,080 I'm fine, thank you, 429 00:25:00,080 --> 00:25:04,760 here in Florida, drinking my orange juice in the sun. 430 00:25:04,760 --> 00:25:09,280 OK. We were just concerned about Mr Tibby. 431 00:25:09,280 --> 00:25:12,440 Mr Tibby? Yeah, he was a little sick when we left. 432 00:25:12,440 --> 00:25:18,720 Oh, yes, poor thing, he's feeling much better now, I fed him this morning. You fed him? 433 00:25:18,720 --> 00:25:23,440 Yes, as a matter of fact, I'm tickling the back of his neck right now. 434 00:25:23,440 --> 00:25:27,040 Well, you've obviously got to know him a lot better than we did. 435 00:25:27,040 --> 00:25:30,080 Oh, yes, I've always been very fond of them, 436 00:25:30,080 --> 00:25:32,400 but they do make me come out in a rash. 437 00:25:32,400 --> 00:25:34,240 What, Italian-Americans? 438 00:25:34,240 --> 00:25:37,000 Are we talking about the same Mr Tibby? 439 00:25:37,000 --> 00:25:40,160 Short guy, white hair, mows the lawn on Tuesdays? 440 00:25:41,680 --> 00:25:47,480 Oh, I must go, a boy's just thrown a newspaper at the screen door. Goodbye. But... 441 00:25:47,480 --> 00:25:50,680 OK, this is the pub, this pepper pot is Bobby 442 00:25:50,680 --> 00:25:55,000 and here's Mr Deakin in his usual seat. Right? 443 00:25:55,000 --> 00:25:59,280 Now, when Bobby is plying Deakin with free drinks, 444 00:25:59,280 --> 00:26:03,400 Kev and I, we will be in the van. 445 00:26:04,360 --> 00:26:08,080 What are you doing? We're playing operation revenge burglary. 446 00:26:08,080 --> 00:26:09,360 We've got our dander up. 447 00:26:09,360 --> 00:26:12,080 Please, spare me the details. 448 00:26:12,080 --> 00:26:16,160 Are you in? Well, I would, but I thought there were only three Stooges. 449 00:26:16,160 --> 00:26:18,600 Jimmy, have you seen my watch? No. 450 00:26:18,600 --> 00:26:24,000 I know I had it on when I hit the cow because I remember taking its pulse. 451 00:26:24,000 --> 00:26:29,120 If you need a watch, that Deakin fella was selling one in the pub. 452 00:26:24,000 --> 00:26:29,120 A gold watch? Yeah. 453 00:26:30,480 --> 00:26:33,680 What are you doing? I'm in. Let's steal back Christmas. 454 00:26:33,680 --> 00:26:37,920 Right, so, as soon as Bobby has got the address from Deakin, 455 00:26:37,920 --> 00:26:40,440 Kev and I drive round to his house. 456 00:26:41,960 --> 00:26:45,240 There you are, sir, one half of cider, on the house. 457 00:26:45,240 --> 00:26:49,400 Oh, cheers. Hold it... 458 00:26:49,400 --> 00:26:52,200 Are you 18? Are you insane? 459 00:26:52,200 --> 00:26:55,800 Yes, I'm famously eccentric. 460 00:26:55,800 --> 00:26:59,000 I have Jack Nicholson pulling pints... 461 00:27:00,440 --> 00:27:03,240 ..Posh and Becks collecting empties... 462 00:27:05,840 --> 00:27:07,480 Do you want that drink, or not? 463 00:27:07,480 --> 00:27:09,240 All right. 464 00:27:09,240 --> 00:27:11,000 How about this? 465 00:27:11,000 --> 00:27:15,240 Driving licence, that'll do nicely. 466 00:27:18,600 --> 00:27:20,240 Got it. 467 00:27:20,240 --> 00:27:23,000 36, Camberley Gardens. 468 00:27:23,000 --> 00:27:25,800 Right. 469 00:27:23,000 --> 00:27:25,800 ENGINE FAILS 470 00:27:25,800 --> 00:27:27,840 Oh, no... What? 471 00:27:27,840 --> 00:27:31,000 It's doing that thing again. 472 00:27:27,840 --> 00:27:31,000 ENGINE FAILS 473 00:27:31,000 --> 00:27:34,280 What thing? That thing when it won't start. 474 00:27:36,840 --> 00:27:39,520 Kev, have you been taking this van off road again? 475 00:27:39,520 --> 00:27:42,120 But, boss... 476 00:27:42,120 --> 00:27:44,440 I came third. 477 00:27:50,560 --> 00:27:54,280 Cheers for that, Bobby, I'm off home. Happy Christmas. 478 00:27:54,280 --> 00:27:57,200 No, wait. Er...have another drink. 479 00:27:57,200 --> 00:28:01,800 No, I really couldn't. Please, I'm begging you. I... 480 00:28:01,800 --> 00:28:03,680 I'm so very lonely. 481 00:28:04,640 --> 00:28:05,880 Oh. 482 00:28:05,880 --> 00:28:08,840 OK, Bobby, but just the one, mind. 483 00:28:08,840 --> 00:28:12,200 I'll just, you know, go and make some room. 484 00:28:16,440 --> 00:28:20,120 PHONE RINGS 485 00:28:20,120 --> 00:28:23,800 You have to hurry up, Jimmy, the man's ruining me with his free drinks. 486 00:28:23,800 --> 00:28:25,440 Well, how many have you given him? 487 00:28:25,440 --> 00:28:27,800 A pint and a half! 488 00:28:29,320 --> 00:28:31,960 Come on, the plan's working. 489 00:28:31,960 --> 00:28:35,320 Yes, but as soon as he's finished this one, he's going home. 490 00:28:35,320 --> 00:28:39,560 OK, let's go with plan B. 491 00:28:35,320 --> 00:28:39,560 ENGINE STARTS 492 00:28:42,360 --> 00:28:46,080 You mean...the nuclear option? 493 00:28:59,240 --> 00:29:02,040 Hello there. Hello. 494 00:29:03,600 --> 00:29:04,840 Buy a girl a drink? 495 00:29:04,840 --> 00:29:07,400 Er, sure. 496 00:29:07,400 --> 00:29:09,840 Er, Bobby... 497 00:29:09,840 --> 00:29:11,360 That's more like it. 498 00:29:13,880 --> 00:29:16,600 ENGINE FAILS 499 00:29:16,600 --> 00:29:18,680 Hey-ho, stalled again. 500 00:29:18,680 --> 00:29:21,560 You know what it is, boss, the engine's full of mud. 501 00:29:23,000 --> 00:29:24,440 You're gonna have to give us a push. 502 00:29:32,080 --> 00:29:35,240 Do you like opera? Not really. 503 00:29:35,240 --> 00:29:39,200 I think The Love for Three Oranges is Prokofiev's Masterpiece. 504 00:29:39,200 --> 00:29:40,640 Right, good. 505 00:29:42,000 --> 00:29:45,040 Anyway, I should be off. 506 00:29:42,000 --> 00:29:45,040 Would you like another drink? 507 00:29:45,040 --> 00:29:48,600 Er, no, thanks. How about some chocolate money? 508 00:29:48,600 --> 00:29:50,840 No, I've really got to be going. 509 00:29:50,840 --> 00:29:54,720 Wait, would you like to go on somewhere a little more intimate? 510 00:29:55,880 --> 00:29:57,640 I'll get us a cab. 511 00:30:00,600 --> 00:30:04,760 PHONE RINGS 512 00:30:04,760 --> 00:30:09,280 Hello. What is going on in your house? This is crazy. 513 00:30:09,280 --> 00:30:11,160 You tell me, I'm in Florida. 514 00:30:11,160 --> 00:30:14,880 All this beef just arrived. 515 00:30:14,880 --> 00:30:16,560 Oh, good. 516 00:30:16,560 --> 00:30:18,640 It looks like a whole damn cow. 517 00:30:25,360 --> 00:30:28,240 It's my way of welcoming you to London. 518 00:30:28,240 --> 00:30:30,320 A fruit basket is so passe. 519 00:30:32,120 --> 00:30:34,560 What are we supposed to do with all this? 520 00:30:34,560 --> 00:30:38,920 Make some hamburgers? I hear that's what you're good at. Erm... 521 00:30:38,920 --> 00:30:43,120 Oh, my word, there's a 'gator just appeared in the backyard, I'll have to go. 522 00:30:51,920 --> 00:30:52,960 You all right, Kev? 523 00:30:52,960 --> 00:30:55,880 Yeah, boss. Thank God for shoddy workmanship, eh? 524 00:30:55,880 --> 00:30:59,120 Actually, I think we fitted these. 525 00:30:59,120 --> 00:31:03,960 It'll be wear and tear, boss. Oh, yeah, just wear and tear. Yeah. 526 00:31:03,960 --> 00:31:08,120 I'm still not sure about this. Look, there are your presents. 527 00:31:08,120 --> 00:31:09,640 Ah-ha! 528 00:31:11,600 --> 00:31:14,600 Hey, boss, there's a tin of Quality Street. 529 00:31:14,600 --> 00:31:16,640 Take it, that'll spoil his Christmas. 530 00:31:18,200 --> 00:31:19,760 Take this back, 531 00:31:19,760 --> 00:31:21,800 and this, and this... 532 00:31:21,800 --> 00:31:23,600 What about Diana's watch? 533 00:31:23,600 --> 00:31:26,400 Oh, good point. You look over there, I'll do this side. Right. 534 00:31:29,600 --> 00:31:31,240 Kev, look, 535 00:31:31,240 --> 00:31:36,280 Deakin enjoying himself on holiday, probably on the Costa del crime. 536 00:31:36,280 --> 00:31:39,200 Yeah. Boss, found it. 537 00:31:39,200 --> 00:31:41,320 Great! 538 00:31:43,040 --> 00:31:46,080 You'd steal my kids' Christmas presents, would you? 539 00:31:46,080 --> 00:31:47,960 I'm gonna clean you out. 540 00:31:47,960 --> 00:31:50,400 Now, boss, you've got what you came for, 541 00:31:50,400 --> 00:31:53,480 I think we should... A toaster! 542 00:31:56,760 --> 00:31:59,840 Brendan, big news, you'd better sit down. 543 00:31:59,840 --> 00:32:02,840 I've got a pie in the oven. Is it mine? 544 00:32:02,840 --> 00:32:07,120 No, I mean, a pie - chicken and leek. Is it mine? 545 00:32:07,120 --> 00:32:12,080 Of course it's yours, Brendan, you know I don't cook for anybody else. 546 00:32:12,080 --> 00:32:14,040 Tuck in. 547 00:32:14,040 --> 00:32:16,880 Oh, er... Actually, I'm not that hungry. 548 00:32:16,880 --> 00:32:18,480 What? 549 00:32:18,480 --> 00:32:20,520 Yeah, I'll just have a glass of water. 550 00:32:20,520 --> 00:32:23,280 Wait a minute, what's that on your collar? 551 00:32:24,240 --> 00:32:26,560 Oh, erm, that's lipstick. 552 00:32:26,560 --> 00:32:29,320 I know chilli sauce when I see it. 553 00:32:29,320 --> 00:32:32,000 You've been eating around, haven't you? 554 00:32:32,000 --> 00:32:34,120 I don't know what you're talking about. 555 00:32:34,120 --> 00:32:37,880 Brendan, I can smell onions on your breath, who's been feeding you? No-one. 556 00:32:37,880 --> 00:32:41,920 Well, if you're not getting it here, you're getting it somewhere else. 557 00:32:37,880 --> 00:32:41,920 Who is it? 558 00:32:41,920 --> 00:32:44,640 All right, it's Sarah from physics. 559 00:32:46,040 --> 00:32:47,160 But why? 560 00:32:47,160 --> 00:32:50,920 It's just...she can offer me something you never can, Molly. 561 00:32:50,920 --> 00:32:53,000 Her dad owns the kebab shop. 562 00:32:54,160 --> 00:32:58,200 And to think, I almost let you have my pie! 563 00:32:58,200 --> 00:32:59,480 Get out! 564 00:33:03,640 --> 00:33:07,600 PHONE RINGS 565 00:33:07,600 --> 00:33:10,160 Diana? (What the hell's going on?) 566 00:33:10,160 --> 00:33:12,280 Nearly done, had a spot of van trouble. 567 00:33:12,280 --> 00:33:13,960 How's Deakin? 568 00:33:13,960 --> 00:33:15,960 In the bedroom. 569 00:33:15,960 --> 00:33:18,080 Where are you? 570 00:33:18,080 --> 00:33:21,160 In a very expensive hotel, and I'm paying. 571 00:33:21,160 --> 00:33:24,000 I've already spent £50 on champagne just to stall him, 572 00:33:24,000 --> 00:33:26,120 and I'm running out of buttons. 573 00:33:26,120 --> 00:33:28,480 Diana! I'm coming. 574 00:33:28,480 --> 00:33:30,840 Please tell me you're clear of his house. 575 00:33:30,840 --> 00:33:33,160 Nearly there, be on our way in no time. 576 00:33:34,520 --> 00:33:38,760 ENGINE FAILS 577 00:33:39,960 --> 00:33:41,960 Better order some more champagne. 578 00:33:52,720 --> 00:33:55,120 Tell me, Mr Deakin, 579 00:33:55,120 --> 00:33:57,880 have you ever bathed in champagne? 580 00:34:00,400 --> 00:34:01,920 Room service... 581 00:34:01,920 --> 00:34:05,200 Yes, me again. 582 00:34:06,720 --> 00:34:09,080 There, there, Marcus, drink your fake milk. 583 00:34:09,080 --> 00:34:12,760 CRYING 584 00:34:09,080 --> 00:34:12,760 Oh, Bernard, your turn next. 585 00:34:12,760 --> 00:34:15,320 CRYING 586 00:34:12,760 --> 00:34:15,320 I'll change you soon, Shania. 587 00:34:15,320 --> 00:34:23,000 THEY ALL CRY AT ONCE 588 00:34:24,400 --> 00:34:26,640 Eighteen more years of this! 589 00:34:27,960 --> 00:34:30,280 Oh, Marcus! 590 00:34:35,520 --> 00:34:40,080 What an evening. You're telling me. 591 00:34:35,520 --> 00:34:40,080 Just as you think you've got one of them to sleep, 592 00:34:40,080 --> 00:34:42,200 the other one wakes up, then the other one wakes up, 593 00:34:42,200 --> 00:34:44,880 then the other one wakes up, then the other one wakes up. 594 00:34:44,880 --> 00:34:50,920 Gran, I think I'm getting postnatal depression. For goodness sake, Alex, they're dolls! 595 00:34:50,920 --> 00:34:55,200 But am I still attractive? Of course you're still attractive, 596 00:34:55,200 --> 00:34:59,640 motherhood's brought out the best in you, you're positively radiant. 597 00:34:55,200 --> 00:34:59,640 Look at your cheeks! 598 00:34:59,640 --> 00:35:03,440 You smell of champagne. Oh, go away. 599 00:35:03,440 --> 00:35:05,120 Ah, Diana... How did it go? 600 00:35:05,120 --> 00:35:07,240 Like a dream, the good sort. 601 00:35:07,240 --> 00:35:09,720 Did you get my watch? 602 00:35:07,240 --> 00:35:09,720 Coming right up. 603 00:35:09,720 --> 00:35:11,880 Good work stalling Deakin, how did it go? 604 00:35:11,880 --> 00:35:13,960 He drank the bath water and fell asleep. 605 00:35:15,640 --> 00:35:17,560 There you are, your worship. 606 00:35:17,560 --> 00:35:19,360 Thank you. 607 00:35:17,560 --> 00:35:19,360 PHONE RINGS 608 00:35:19,360 --> 00:35:20,400 Oh... 609 00:35:22,760 --> 00:35:24,720 Hello, Mr Tucker. 610 00:35:24,720 --> 00:35:29,000 Mrs Neil, you really need to deal with this beef. 611 00:35:29,000 --> 00:35:31,320 We have entrails all over the house. 612 00:35:31,320 --> 00:35:34,320 My kids think that Santa has lost his mind! 613 00:35:34,320 --> 00:35:37,920 Don't worry, no problem, I'll sort it out...from Florida. 614 00:35:39,240 --> 00:35:44,360 Look, Brendan, if you're gonna apologise, don't do it with your mouth full. Molly, phone. 615 00:35:45,680 --> 00:35:49,360 Hello, Brendan? Listen, you're familiar with the phrase, 616 00:35:49,360 --> 00:35:52,600 "I'm so hungry, I could eat a horse," 617 00:35:49,360 --> 00:35:52,600 how do you feel about a cow? 618 00:35:54,600 --> 00:35:57,000 Hey, Kev, look at this. 619 00:35:57,000 --> 00:36:00,320 Deakin doing some sort of charity walk, what an idiot. 620 00:36:00,320 --> 00:36:02,120 Yeah. Hey, look at this one, 621 00:36:02,120 --> 00:36:07,880 being congratulated by some mayor or other. Ha-ha! Oh, check this, 622 00:36:07,880 --> 00:36:10,240 Deakin with Prince Charles, 623 00:36:10,240 --> 00:36:15,440 being presented with a Prince's Trust Award. What a little toerag! 624 00:36:15,440 --> 00:36:17,160 Chocolate? 625 00:36:17,160 --> 00:36:20,360 Oh, no, what's this? 626 00:36:20,360 --> 00:36:23,040 It's an MBE with his name on it. 627 00:36:24,560 --> 00:36:28,080 Gary Deakin. 628 00:36:24,560 --> 00:36:28,080 THEY LAUGH 629 00:36:28,080 --> 00:36:30,120 Oh, God. 630 00:36:32,160 --> 00:36:35,800 This isn't my watch. Mine was engraved, "With love from Patrick." 631 00:36:35,800 --> 00:36:39,640 This says, "To Uncle Gary, from all the staff at the Children's Hospital." 632 00:36:41,160 --> 00:36:42,920 What are we gonna do? 633 00:36:42,920 --> 00:36:45,720 There's only one thing we can do, the grown-up thing, 634 00:36:45,720 --> 00:36:48,800 we've got to go back to Mr Deakin's house and face the music. 635 00:36:53,920 --> 00:36:56,920 Ready? Ready. Ready. Ready. 636 00:36:58,800 --> 00:37:01,760 DOORBELL RINGS 637 00:37:05,160 --> 00:37:06,520 Run! 638 00:37:16,560 --> 00:37:21,080 Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas. 639 00:37:27,760 --> 00:37:31,800 You know, after a few sherries, this place looks a bit like Florida. 640 00:37:31,800 --> 00:37:34,240 Hello, boss... Hello, boss-in-law. 641 00:37:34,240 --> 00:37:36,280 Oh, Kevin... Mmm... 642 00:37:36,280 --> 00:37:38,680 I've got a present for you. 643 00:37:38,680 --> 00:37:42,920 Oh, thank you. I'd open it now, if I were you, it's liver. 644 00:37:42,920 --> 00:37:45,240 Oh. 645 00:37:45,240 --> 00:37:47,440 I got a tray of mince. 646 00:37:50,200 --> 00:37:51,600 Usual please, Bobby. 647 00:37:53,000 --> 00:37:55,760 And what would that be? 648 00:37:55,760 --> 00:37:57,600 And who's Bobby? 649 00:38:01,880 --> 00:38:03,600 Pretty good, eh? 650 00:38:30,320 --> 00:38:33,360 Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd 651 00:38:33,360 --> 00:38:36,400 E-mail subtitling @bbc.co.uk 81243

Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.