Original subtitles

# After you've gone

# And left me crying

# After you've gone

# There's no denying

# Some day, when you feel lonely

# Your heart will break like mine

# And you'll want me only

# After you've gone

# After you've gone away. #

So what do you think of the new barmaid?

Yeah, seems very nice, friendly.

Yes, and...? Efficient.

No, you see, while Siobhan's off on holiday, I thought...

why get a boring humdrum replacement, why not get lookalikes?

Imagine, it's Christmas, you go into your local, you walk up to the bar

and you say, "Look who's serving

my beer, Gloria Hunniford!"

Oh. Gloria Hunniford.

Just one question, why Gloria Hunniford?

Because that's who she looks like.

Bobby, did you just hire a barmaid and then decide

who she looked like afterwards?

Maybe.

Then why couldn't you have hired one that looked like Uma Thurman?

She wouldn't do nights.

I dunno, you squint your eyes and turn your head a little.

I've won. What? I've won! Oh, wow! Jimmy's won a million pounds.

No, it's 2,000, £2,000!

Tough break, boss, better luck next time, eh?

Kev, it's £2,000, it's fantastic!

Yeah, but imagine a million.

Think of all the Christmas presents I can buy for the kids now.

Let me buy your pint. I'll get these, you just lost £998,000.

What are you thinking, Brendan?

Lovely crumble. Ah.

Hello, who's this? This is Brendan. Brendan, this is my dad.

Hello, Mr Venables.

Oh, you can call me J...

No, Mr Venables is fine.

I really think Brendan's the one for me.

Just be careful, Molly, teenage boys are only after one thing.

You got any custard to go with this?

Think you might be all right with this one.

Sorry, you ate it all.

Oh, well, I'd better be going.

Ooh, are those mince pies?

Yeah, help yourself. Great. She didn't mean take the whole...

Who's that?

Oh, that was Brendan, he may be the one.

Although he eats enough for three.

Just a quick visit. I'm timing you. I've brought a list of things for you to do while I'm away,

to make Christmas special. Oh, it's already special, Diana, you're going away.

Yes, two weeks in glorious, sunny Florida.

I don't get this house exchange thing.

How come you get to stay in a beach front property in the Florida Quays

and some innocent Americans end up in your tiny two-up two-down overlooking a demolition site?

That's a city farm. Oh, right.

What are they growing there? Crack addicts?

CRYING

Yellow alert, yellow alert,

we've got a gusher!

What is that? It's my baby Kaka. Baby Kaka?

Yeah, it's completely lifelike.

It eats, it burps.

Bring back memories, eh, Dad?

Yeah, pity we couldn't do that to you.

Isn't it strange for you to be playing with dolls at your age?

Ah, but this is strictly business, Gran, the baby Kaka is set to be

this year's must-have toy.

I've been stockpiling since November. You should see my room, it's like Angelina Jolie's garage.

And what's all this in aid of? My future.

Your future as a weird old man

who collects dolls. Laugh now, but a few days before Christmas

when all the shops have sold out,

I'll be the only baby Kaka outlet in town and I get to choose the price.

I think it's very enterprising.

Christmas isn't just about buying things.

Well, of course you'd say that.

Wait and see, I had a bit of good luck.

I'm not gonna go into details, but this Christmas, you kids are in for a big surprise.

Oh, not food poisoning again.

Well, thankfully, I won't be here to see it, I'll be sunning myself

in the Florida Quays. Ta-ta!

Someone should warn the alligators.

# Oh, the weather outside is frightful

# But the fire is so delightful

# And since we've no place to go... #

This can't be it.

Maybe it's the gatehouse.

I can't wait to see the pool!

# Deck the halls with no Diana!

# Fa-la la-la-la La-la la-la. #

So, if I bought 12 baby Kakas

at £29.99, then by 21st December - the date that the parents will be

getting really anxious -

I'll be able to charge...£40 a pop.

No, make it 50...

Wow, I've spelt "BOOBS!"

Wow, someone ring Mensa(!)

Well, your Gran should be taking off about now.

Hope she has a really nice time.

In fact, I hope she has such a lovely time, she decides to retire there.

# On the first day of Christmas Diana went away... #

Dad, what do you think I should get Brendan for Christmas? Yes,

what do you buy the boy who eats everything?

Erm...

A gastric band perhaps?

MOBILE PHONE RINGS

Hello? Hey, is that Mr Jimmy Vimable?

Er, almost, it's Venables.

Er, this is Bill Tucker.

My wife and I did the home exchange with Diana Neil...

Oh, right, how are you settling in, did you have a good flight?

How'd you get this number?

Well, Mrs Neil gave it to us, she said that you were like the janitor, or something.

Did she now? Yeah, we got a...

couple of issues that need resolution.

I beg your pardon?

One of the light bulbs seems to have blown.

Well, that's easy enough to fix,

no problem.

That's great, so you'll come right over?

No, I meant that's easy enough for you to fix.

There'll be some bulbs somewhere, cupboard under the stairs.

Pardon me? Sorry, closet.

You know, your gran is the only person who can annoy me from 3,000 miles away.

How dare she give them my number?

Oh, she dare!

PHONE RINGS

Oh!

Yeah...

Hello?

Oh, hi, this is Faye Tucker, Bill's wife.

I feel we got off on the wrong foot just now.

We don't mean to be unreasonable, it's just that it's getting dark out

and it's not even 3:30. I mean, what's with that?

Yes. All right, I'll come over later.

In the meantime, just sit tight and watch TV or something.

Oh, that's the other thing, we only get five channels.

And my husband wants to know, where's the rest of the house?

Have you tried down the back of the sofa?

Next, they'll be asking me to flush the loo for them. It's Gran.

You're telling me it's Gran.

No, really, it's Gran.

So you're OK?

Yes. The car's a write-off, I'm fine, just a bit shaken.

And the other person's all right?

Well, it wasn't exactly another person.

Well, what was it then, a wood troll?

If you must know, it was a cow.

You hit a cow? I was on my way

to the airport and I was taking

my usual short cut, and then for some reason, there was this cow.

Well, what was a cow doing in the road?

Did I say I was on the road?

It was a short cut, all right?

It starts on the road and then it goes sort of through a farm

and then kind of across a field.

I've done it hundreds of times and for some reason, this time,

there was a cow in the way.

Who would have thought it, a cow in a field?!

What rotten luck!

Yes, it's not usually there.

Should have sounded its horn.

Didn't it realise you were trying to get a MOO-ve on?!

That's enough, Jimmy. Well, didn't

you see it coming the UDDER way?

Shut up! Sorry, sorry.

I'm milking it.

It was a very upsetting experience.

Put some brandy in this, would you? There's some over there.

Anyway, I've missed my flight.

Well, you can get another one,

can't you? It's the week before Christmas, Jimmy, everything's booked.

Are you sure, Diana, have you tried absolutely everything?

Well, short of booking my berth on a tramp steamer and working

my passage shovelling coal!

It's an option.

I'll never get to Florida now. No, no, that's a shame.

Well, you'd better get off home.

I can't go to my house, it's full of Americans.

Well, you can't stay here. Give me one good reason.

You'll spoil everything.

Jimmy, it's Christmas. You said one good reason, off you go.

Look, you won't even know I'm here.

Neither did that cow.

I'll sleep on the sofa bed, I'll fold it up before you're even awake and I'll be last in the queue

to the bathroom. You won't even have to buy me a present. Oh, great, now I've got to buy you a present.

PHONE RINGS

Ah, this is for you,

it's the Tuckers.

I can't speak to them, I'm supposed to be in Florida looking after their house.

Please, Jimmy, deal with it. I've had a pig of a day.

You hit a pig as well?

Hello...

..That's because we don't eat as much.

He wants to know why the fridge is so small.

The good news is, they've worked out how to change a light bulb.

That's the frontier spirit.

I'll start to unpack.

Stupid cow. What?

Not you.

If anything, Mr Heathcot,

you should pay for the damage to my car. After all, it was your cow.

Juice, Molly? Er, yes, please, Dad.

Trespassing's an ugly word, Mr Heathcot.

I was merely exercising my right to roam under the Countryside And Rights Of Way Act, 1997.

..Yes, in a car.

What are you looking for? Somewhere to go with Brendan tomorrow.

Prosecution is an ugly word, Mr Heathcot.

All right, I'll pay for your cow. But if I do that, that means I own it, right?

Good, when can I expect delivery?

You should take him to that all-you-can-eat place on the

high street. Oh, he's been barred.

EU-subsidised buffoon!

Gloria Hunniford not in today?

Nah, you were right, did a little client recognition.

It's strictly Hollywood A-list from now on, see...

See what?

Jack Nicholson.

Here's Johnny!

Lovely. Spot-on!

What can I get you, gentlemen?

Oh, erm, a pint of lager and a Coke, please.

Coming right up.

It's a little different, isn't it?

Well, I think I can safely say he's not like anybody I've seen before.

Well, well, well, what burst your festive bubble?

It's finally sunk in, hasn't it,

a million pounds?

Kev, I'm quite happy with my £2,000, thank you.

No, it's Diana, swanning back, moving in, disrupting all my plans for Christmas. Which were?

Well, nothing, that's just it.

Watching telly, eating, basking in the adulation of my children as they open their expensive presents.

But now, I've got to do things, talk to people, shave, put on trousers.

It's not fair.

She's already dragging us off to some boring opera tonight,

"as a family."

Yeah, but you don't know it's gonna be boring.

Oh, no, no, it might be one of those fun operas we hear so much about.

You know? With Bruce Willis, car chases and partial female nudity.

PHONE RINGS

It's them again.

Hello, Mr Tucker...

Well, the red one's hot and the blue one's cold...

Well, you mix the water in the basin after it's come out of the tap...

Yes, isn't this a crazy country?!

It's comforting to know they're having as bad a time as I am.

Here's your lager!

Here's your Coke!

Here's your change!

Little pigs, little pigs.

There, that's cheered you up.

Well, that was a pile of poop. The Love for Three Oranges

is Prokofiev's masterpiece.

Should have slipped out after the first orange.

That's the last fruit-based opera I'm letting you drag me to.

Oh, no... What?

Not at Christmas.

We've been burgled.

Oh, for heaven's sake! The presents!

My baby Kakas!

Yeah, they've all gone, every single one of them.

Oh, it's all right, Dad, you can easily replace a couple of pairs of socks and a Boots voucher.

No, you don't understand, this year was gonna be different.

Bubble bath and a Boots voucher.

Panic over, the dolls are safe.

No, listen I...

I bought this scratch card and I won £2,000. I didn't wanna tell anyone,

cos I wanted to give my kids a lovely surprise for Christmas. Is this the plot of another opera?

No, I bought all these really, really expensive presents.

And now they've all been stolen.

And we'll never know if you were telling the truth.

How convenient!

And the worst thing is, no-one will believe how generous I am.

Well, now is your chance to show us.

Pint of lager, please, Jack Nicholson.

You made me an offer I can't refuse.

That's Marlon Brando.

I do him as well.

I mean, who robs somebody at Christmas?

Well, you only have yourself to blame. Don't you remember?

"Listen to me, everyone, listen, I've just won 2,000 quid."

What, are you saying it's someone from in here? I'm saying nothing.

But 75% of my customers are scum.

It could be anyone.

What? Oh, that really hurts.

What about him, Bobby, what's his story?

Mr Deakin, no, he's one of my regulars. At least he was,

then he went away for six months, then he came back,

then he went away for 90 days, then he came back,

then he went away for five years.

So what does that say to you?

He's got a timeshare.

Or a holiday apartment in Strangeways.

Ah, it's easy to get paranoid.

Bobby, he was in here the night I won the scratch card and when I was

talking about going to the opera, he knew the house would be empty.

And let's face it, he looks well dodgy, and that's coming from me.

Look at that, look, that's gotta be a stolen watch.

How dare he? Fencing it on in my pub and not even offering me a cut.

I think the police will be very interested in what I'm about to tell them.

Oh, my God! How could they steal an entire ham? That was for Christmas!

Actually, Brendan ate that, he fancied a sandwich.

With brandy butter and stuffing and a whole wheel of brie?

Brendan can't get enough of my food.

Oh, it must be love. I know!

Right, done it, I'm off down the high street to flog some of these babies.

Well, they are actually babies.

Christmas is getting close, parents are getting panicky and I intend to take full financial advantage

of the situation. And a merry Christmas to you.

PHONE BLEEPS

Ooh, I'd better get going. Mum got your tea on the table?

No, I'm helping Sarah from physics with her homework.

Well, fine, off you go then.

I'm sure I can give you your Christmas present later.

I'm sure the pate will keep. Oh, pate?

It's duck liver pate.

Our Christmas hamper?

I suppose Sarah can wait.

Molly, it's a bit extravagant, isn't it?

No, it's all right, I'll just cut down on presents for everyone else.

There you are.

Chocolate money? How delightful(!) Shouldn't we wait for Christmas day?

I wouldn't, if I were you, it says best before December 20th.

Oh, fine, enjoy the rest of your Christmas party.

Never mind, boss. It's ridiculous, what's wrong with the police force these days?

It's not been the same since Taggart died.

Just gonna have to do their job for them.

Oh, that's vigilante talk, I like it.

All we have to do is catch the villains in the act.

Well, it's not as if they're gonna come back, is it? They've already cleaned me out.

But they don't know that.

So, Jimmy, going out again tonight?

What?

Oh, yes, out all night,

whole family, place is going to be completely empty.

And remember all that lovely stuff you bought that the stupid burglar missed.

Oh, yes, like that early sketch of Monet's water lilies,

that genuine Hockney print and the Rembrandt.

All right, Kev, don't overdo it. All right.

Unattributed Rembrandt.

DOORBELL RINGS

Oh, leave the door open, make it easy for them.

Everyone's out, Diana's at some Christmas drink-up,

Molly's round at Brendan's and Alex is off selling babies. What? Long story.

OK, weapons. I've got a nine iron, a cricket bat and a rugby ball.

There was a sale on at the sports shop.

Excellent.

I tell you, Jimmy, if it comes down to him or me, it'll be him.

Well, you might wanna lighten up a bit. I'm sorry, Jimmy, but when my dander's up, I'm a killing machine!

You'd better have the rugby ball.

Babies, get your babies!

Is that a baby Kaka?

That's right, sir, this year's must-have Christmas toy...

60 quid. Simmonds have got them for £29.99. Have they, sir?

Well, they say they're getting some in.

They're getting some in.

Well, that's what you can tell your daughter on Christmas day.

"I don't have a present for you, darling, but they're getting some in." All right,

all right, 60 quid.

Ah, sorry, the price has just gone up.

Seventy. Eighty. Fine.

Thank you.

Goodbye.

HE SNORES

CLATTER

(It's him!)

Aaaaahhhhh...!

Ow! Aaah!

Oof!

Diana, it's me, it's me...

Ow!

Agh! Oh, what a woman!

HE SNORES

There you go. Now, you will take care of him, won't you?

Yeah, of course we will.

And don't let him eat junk food.

It's just a doll.

Yeah, of course, you're right, it's just a doll.

Goodbye, Joshua.

All right, my little ones? A little cold, are we?

CRYING

Ah, Toby, shush-shush!

LAUGHTER

There he is.

Here,

you the guy with the Kaka dolls?

Erm, yes, why?

I'll have three.

There you go, darling.

CRYING

Actually, we're just closing. What?

They're not for sale, here's your money back. Hey! I'm sorry,

you're just not fit to be parents to a baby Kaka.

Eh? In fact, if you don't walk away

now, I'm calling Social Services.

All right, all right, we're going.

Come on, children, we're going home.

What are you playing at, Jimmy? The front door was open, I thought you were burglars.

You're the one who was wearing a hoodie.

This is a Jaeger winter collection cashmere cardigan.

Oh, I'm terribly sorry, it was

a little too dark to read the label!

Ah...

Well, did you catch Mr Deakin?

Who's Mr Deakin? The burglar... Ooh!

Well, if you know his name, why didn't you tell the police?

I did, but I couldn't make myself heard over the sound of traffic

division playing pass the parcel.

Oh, it's not been the same since Morse died.

It's not fair.

I get beaten up by Granbo here...

..and Deakin gets to enjoy all my lovely gifts.

How would he like it if his house was burgled at Christmas?

Actually, Jimmy, that's not a bad idea.

Two ideas in one night, it's like Plato's Academy in here.

Don't you see, Jimmy? It's natural justice.

He steals your presents, you steal

them back. I like the sound of that.

PHONE RINGS

Hello. Hi, this is Bill Tucker.

It's those Americans, how did they get this number? I don't know... Oh.

Yes, I do, I gave it to them.

What? 'Hello?'

Oh, hello, Mr Tucker.

How are you doing, Mrs Neil?

I'm fine, thank you,

here in Florida, drinking my orange juice in the sun.

OK. We were just concerned about Mr Tibby.

Mr Tibby? Yeah, he was a little sick when we left.

Oh, yes, poor thing, he's feeling much better now, I fed him this morning. You fed him?

Yes, as a matter of fact, I'm tickling the back of his neck right now.

Well, you've obviously got to know him a lot better than we did.

Oh, yes, I've always been very fond of them,

but they do make me come out in a rash.

What, Italian-Americans?

Are we talking about the same Mr Tibby?

Short guy, white hair, mows the lawn on Tuesdays?

Oh, I must go, a boy's just thrown a newspaper at the screen door. Goodbye. But...

OK, this is the pub, this pepper pot is Bobby

and here's Mr Deakin in his usual seat. Right?

Now, when Bobby is plying Deakin with free drinks,

Kev and I, we will be in the van.

What are you doing? We're playing operation revenge burglary.

We've got our dander up.

Please, spare me the details.

Are you in? Well, I would, but I thought there were only three Stooges.

Jimmy, have you seen my watch? No.

I know I had it on when I hit the cow because I remember taking its pulse.

If you need a watch, that Deakin fella was selling one in the pub.

A gold watch? Yeah.

What are you doing? I'm in. Let's steal back Christmas.

Right, so, as soon as Bobby has got the address from Deakin,

Kev and I drive round to his house.

There you are, sir, one half of cider, on the house.

Oh, cheers. Hold it...

Are you 18? Are you insane?

Yes, I'm famously eccentric.

I have Jack Nicholson pulling pints...

..Posh and Becks collecting empties...

Do you want that drink, or not?

All right.

How about this?

Driving licence, that'll do nicely.

Got it.

36, Camberley Gardens.

Right.

ENGINE FAILS

Oh, no... What?

It's doing that thing again.

ENGINE FAILS

What thing? That thing when it won't start.

Kev, have you been taking this van off road again?

But, boss...

I came third.

Cheers for that, Bobby, I'm off home. Happy Christmas.

No, wait. Er...have another drink.

No, I really couldn't. Please, I'm begging you. I...

I'm so very lonely.

Oh.

OK, Bobby, but just the one, mind.

I'll just, you know, go and make some room.

PHONE RINGS

You have to hurry up, Jimmy, the man's ruining me with his free drinks.

Well, how many have you given him?

A pint and a half!

Come on, the plan's working.

Yes, but as soon as he's finished this one, he's going home.

OK, let's go with plan B.

ENGINE STARTS

You mean...the nuclear option?

Hello there. Hello.

Buy a girl a drink?

Er, sure.

Er, Bobby...

That's more like it.

ENGINE FAILS

Hey-ho, stalled again.

You know what it is, boss, the engine's full of mud.

You're gonna have to give us a push.

Do you like opera? Not really.

I think The Love for Three Oranges is Prokofiev's Masterpiece.

Right, good.

Anyway, I should be off.

Would you like another drink?

Er, no, thanks. How about some chocolate money?

No, I've really got to be going.

Wait, would you like to go on somewhere a little more intimate?

I'll get us a cab.

PHONE RINGS

Hello. What is going on in your house? This is crazy.

You tell me, I'm in Florida.

All this beef just arrived.

Oh, good.

It looks like a whole damn cow.

It's my way of welcoming you to London.

A fruit basket is so passe.

What are we supposed to do with all this?

Make some hamburgers? I hear that's what you're good at. Erm...

Oh, my word, there's a 'gator just appeared in the backyard, I'll have to go.

You all right, Kev?

Yeah, boss. Thank God for shoddy workmanship, eh?

Actually, I think we fitted these.

It'll be wear and tear, boss. Oh, yeah, just wear and tear. Yeah.

I'm still not sure about this. Look, there are your presents.

Ah-ha!

Hey, boss, there's a tin of Quality Street.

Take it, that'll spoil his Christmas.

Take this back,

and this, and this...

What about Diana's watch?

Oh, good point. You look over there, I'll do this side. Right.

Kev, look,

Deakin enjoying himself on holiday, probably on the Costa del crime.

Yeah. Boss, found it.

Great!

You'd steal my kids' Christmas presents, would you?

I'm gonna clean you out.

Now, boss, you've got what you came for,

I think we should... A toaster!

Brendan, big news, you'd better sit down.

I've got a pie in the oven. Is it mine?

No, I mean, a pie - chicken and leek. Is it mine?

Of course it's yours, Brendan, you know I don't cook for anybody else.

Tuck in.

Oh, er... Actually, I'm not that hungry.

What?

Yeah, I'll just have a glass of water.

Wait a minute, what's that on your collar?

Oh, erm, that's lipstick.

I know chilli sauce when I see it.

You've been eating around, haven't you?

I don't know what you're talking about.

Brendan, I can smell onions on your breath, who's been feeding you? No-one.

Well, if you're not getting it here, you're getting it somewhere else.

Who is it?

All right, it's Sarah from physics.

But why?

It's just...she can offer me something you never can, Molly.

Her dad owns the kebab shop.

And to think, I almost let you have my pie!

Get out!

PHONE RINGS

Diana? (What the hell's going on?)

Nearly done, had a spot of van trouble.

How's Deakin?

In the bedroom.

Where are you?

In a very expensive hotel, and I'm paying.

I've already spent £50 on champagne just to stall him,

and I'm running out of buttons.

Diana! I'm coming.

Please tell me you're clear of his house.

Nearly there, be on our way in no time.

ENGINE FAILS

Better order some more champagne.

Tell me, Mr Deakin,

have you ever bathed in champagne?

Room service...

Yes, me again.

There, there, Marcus, drink your fake milk.

CRYING

Oh, Bernard, your turn next.

CRYING

I'll change you soon, Shania.

THEY ALL CRY AT ONCE

Eighteen more years of this!

Oh, Marcus!

What an evening. You're telling me.

Just as you think you've got one of them to sleep,

the other one wakes up, then the other one wakes up,

then the other one wakes up, then the other one wakes up.

Gran, I think I'm getting postnatal depression. For goodness sake, Alex, they're dolls!

But am I still attractive? Of course you're still attractive,

motherhood's brought out the best in you, you're positively radiant.

Look at your cheeks!

You smell of champagne. Oh, go away.

Ah, Diana... How did it go?

Like a dream, the good sort.

Did you get my watch?

Coming right up.

Good work stalling Deakin, how did it go?

He drank the bath water and fell asleep.

There you are, your worship.

Thank you.

PHONE RINGS

Oh...

Hello, Mr Tucker.

Mrs Neil, you really need to deal with this beef.

We have entrails all over the house.

My kids think that Santa has lost his mind!

Don't worry, no problem, I'll sort it out...from Florida.

Look, Brendan, if you're gonna apologise, don't do it with your mouth full. Molly, phone.

Hello, Brendan? Listen, you're familiar with the phrase,

"I'm so hungry, I could eat a horse,"

how do you feel about a cow?

Hey, Kev, look at this.

Deakin doing some sort of charity walk, what an idiot.

Yeah. Hey, look at this one,

being congratulated by some mayor or other. Ha-ha! Oh, check this,

Deakin with Prince Charles,

being presented with a Prince's Trust Award. What a little toerag!

Chocolate?

Oh, no, what's this?

It's an MBE with his name on it.

Gary Deakin.

THEY LAUGH

Oh, God.

This isn't my watch. Mine was engraved, "With love from Patrick."

This says, "To Uncle Gary, from all the staff at the Children's Hospital."

What are we gonna do?

There's only one thing we can do, the grown-up thing,

we've got to go back to Mr Deakin's house and face the music.

Ready? Ready. Ready. Ready.

DOORBELL RINGS

Run!

Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas.

You know, after a few sherries, this place looks a bit like Florida.

Hello, boss... Hello, boss-in-law.

Oh, Kevin... Mmm...

I've got a present for you.

Oh, thank you. I'd open it now, if I were you, it's liver.

Oh.

I got a tray of mince.

Usual please, Bobby.

And what would that be?

And who's Bobby?

Pretty good, eh?

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