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1
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# After you've gone
2
00:00:04,400 --> 00:00:06,520
# And left me crying
3
00:00:06,520 --> 00:00:08,680
# After you've gone
4
00:00:08,680 --> 00:00:10,520
# There's no denying
5
00:00:10,520 --> 00:00:14,960
# Some day, when you feel lonely
6
00:00:14,960 --> 00:00:16,760
# Your heart will break like mine
7
00:00:16,760 --> 00:00:19,080
# And you'll want me only
8
00:00:19,080 --> 00:00:21,000
# After you've gone
9
00:00:21,000 --> 00:00:23,880
# After you've gone away. #
10
00:00:25,480 --> 00:00:28,120
So what do you think
of the new barmaid?
11
00:00:28,120 --> 00:00:30,360
Yeah, seems very nice, friendly.
12
00:00:30,360 --> 00:00:32,840
Yes, and...? Efficient.
13
00:00:32,840 --> 00:00:37,880
No, you see, while Siobhan's
off on holiday, I thought...
14
00:00:37,880 --> 00:00:43,840
why get a boring humdrum
replacement, why not get lookalikes?
15
00:00:46,280 --> 00:00:50,640
Imagine, it's Christmas, you go into
your local, you walk up to the bar
16
00:00:50,640 --> 00:00:56,520
and you say, "Look who's serving
17
00:00:50,640 --> 00:00:56,520
my beer, Gloria Hunniford!"
18
00:00:58,760 --> 00:01:02,040
Oh. Gloria Hunniford.
19
00:01:02,040 --> 00:01:06,320
Just one question,
why Gloria Hunniford?
20
00:01:06,320 --> 00:01:08,920
Because that's who she looks like.
21
00:01:10,520 --> 00:01:15,600
Bobby, did you just hire
a barmaid and then decide
22
00:01:10,520 --> 00:01:15,600
who she looked like afterwards?
23
00:01:15,600 --> 00:01:18,040
Maybe.
24
00:01:18,040 --> 00:01:21,520
Then why couldn't you have hired
one that looked like Uma Thurman?
25
00:01:21,520 --> 00:01:23,480
She wouldn't do nights.
26
00:01:25,200 --> 00:01:29,320
I dunno, you squint your eyes
and turn your head a little.
27
00:01:29,320 --> 00:01:33,280
I've won. What? I've won! Oh, wow!
Jimmy's won a million pounds.
28
00:01:33,280 --> 00:01:36,480
No, it's 2,000, £2,000!
29
00:01:36,480 --> 00:01:41,160
Tough break, boss,
better luck next time, eh?
30
00:01:41,160 --> 00:01:44,040
Kev, it's £2,000, it's fantastic!
31
00:01:44,040 --> 00:01:45,920
Yeah, but imagine a million.
32
00:01:45,920 --> 00:01:48,960
Think of all the Christmas
presents I can buy for the kids now.
33
00:01:48,960 --> 00:01:53,720
Let me buy your pint. I'll get
these, you just lost £998,000.
34
00:02:00,760 --> 00:02:02,600
What are you thinking, Brendan?
35
00:02:02,600 --> 00:02:05,880
Lovely crumble. Ah.
36
00:02:05,880 --> 00:02:10,040
Hello, who's this? This is Brendan.
Brendan, this is my dad.
37
00:02:10,040 --> 00:02:11,280
Hello, Mr Venables.
38
00:02:11,280 --> 00:02:12,520
Oh, you can call me J...
39
00:02:12,520 --> 00:02:15,160
No, Mr Venables is fine.
40
00:02:15,160 --> 00:02:17,480
I really think
Brendan's the one for me.
41
00:02:17,480 --> 00:02:20,720
Just be careful, Molly, teenage
boys are only after one thing.
42
00:02:20,720 --> 00:02:22,520
You got any custard to go with this?
43
00:02:26,160 --> 00:02:28,400
Think you might be all right
with this one.
44
00:02:29,880 --> 00:02:31,560
Sorry, you ate it all.
45
00:02:31,560 --> 00:02:33,400
Oh, well, I'd better be going.
46
00:02:33,400 --> 00:02:35,200
Ooh, are those mince pies?
47
00:02:35,200 --> 00:02:38,560
Yeah, help yourself. Great.
She didn't mean take the whole...
48
00:02:40,080 --> 00:02:41,360
Who's that?
49
00:02:41,360 --> 00:02:44,200
Oh, that was Brendan,
he may be the one.
50
00:02:44,200 --> 00:02:46,760
Although he eats enough for three.
51
00:02:46,760 --> 00:02:51,440
Just a quick visit. I'm timing you.
I've brought a list of things
for you to do while I'm away,
52
00:02:51,440 --> 00:02:55,520
to make Christmas special.
Oh, it's already special,
Diana, you're going away.
53
00:02:55,520 --> 00:02:58,760
Yes, two weeks
in glorious, sunny Florida.
54
00:02:58,760 --> 00:03:01,840
I don't get this
house exchange thing.
55
00:03:01,840 --> 00:03:05,600
How come you get to stay in a beach
front property in the Florida Quays
56
00:03:05,600 --> 00:03:10,160
and some innocent Americans end
up in your tiny two-up two-down
overlooking a demolition site?
57
00:03:10,160 --> 00:03:13,360
That's a city farm. Oh, right.
58
00:03:13,360 --> 00:03:15,680
What are they growing there?
Crack addicts?
59
00:03:15,680 --> 00:03:18,000
CRYING
60
00:03:15,680 --> 00:03:18,000
Yellow alert, yellow alert,
61
00:03:18,000 --> 00:03:19,560
we've got a gusher!
62
00:03:22,320 --> 00:03:27,320
What is that?
It's my baby Kaka. Baby Kaka?
63
00:03:27,320 --> 00:03:29,840
Yeah, it's completely lifelike.
64
00:03:29,840 --> 00:03:31,480
It eats, it burps.
65
00:03:32,640 --> 00:03:34,920
Bring back memories, eh, Dad?
66
00:03:34,920 --> 00:03:37,560
Yeah, pity we couldn't do that
to you.
67
00:03:39,400 --> 00:03:42,200
Isn't it strange for you to be
playing with dolls at your age?
68
00:03:42,200 --> 00:03:47,280
Ah, but this is strictly business,
Gran, the baby Kaka is set to be
69
00:03:42,200 --> 00:03:47,280
this year's must-have toy.
70
00:03:47,280 --> 00:03:52,280
I've been stockpiling since
November. You should see my room,
it's like Angelina Jolie's garage.
71
00:03:53,960 --> 00:03:56,760
And what's all this in aid of?
My future.
72
00:03:56,760 --> 00:03:58,400
Your future as a weird old man
73
00:03:58,400 --> 00:04:04,400
who collects dolls. Laugh now,
but a few days before Christmas
74
00:03:58,400 --> 00:04:04,400
when all the shops have sold out,
75
00:04:04,400 --> 00:04:08,880
I'll be the only baby Kaka outlet in
town and I get to choose the price.
76
00:04:08,880 --> 00:04:12,520
I think it's very enterprising.
77
00:04:08,880 --> 00:04:12,520
Christmas isn't just about
buying things.
78
00:04:12,520 --> 00:04:14,840
Well, of course you'd say that.
79
00:04:14,840 --> 00:04:17,640
Wait and see,
I had a bit of good luck.
80
00:04:17,640 --> 00:04:22,000
I'm not gonna go into details,
but this Christmas, you kids
are in for a big surprise.
81
00:04:22,000 --> 00:04:24,280
Oh, not food poisoning again.
82
00:04:26,080 --> 00:04:31,800
Well, thankfully, I won't be here
to see it, I'll be sunning myself
83
00:04:26,080 --> 00:04:31,800
in the Florida Quays. Ta-ta!
84
00:04:31,800 --> 00:04:33,760
Someone should warn the alligators.
85
00:04:53,280 --> 00:04:57,040
# Oh, the weather outside
is frightful
86
00:04:57,040 --> 00:05:00,800
# But the fire is so delightful
87
00:05:00,800 --> 00:05:03,600
# And since we've no place to go... #
88
00:05:03,600 --> 00:05:04,800
This can't be it.
89
00:05:04,800 --> 00:05:06,920
Maybe it's the gatehouse.
90
00:05:06,920 --> 00:05:09,680
I can't wait to see the pool!
91
00:05:14,800 --> 00:05:17,040
# Deck the halls with no Diana!
92
00:05:17,040 --> 00:05:18,920
# Fa-la la-la-la
La-la la-la. #
93
00:05:18,920 --> 00:05:21,840
So, if I bought 12 baby Kakas
94
00:05:21,840 --> 00:05:27,160
at £29.99, then by 21st December -
the date that the parents will be
95
00:05:21,840 --> 00:05:27,160
getting really anxious -
96
00:05:27,160 --> 00:05:30,400
I'll be able to charge...£40 a pop.
97
00:05:30,400 --> 00:05:33,280
No, make it 50...
98
00:05:35,360 --> 00:05:38,720
Wow, I've spelt "BOOBS!"
99
00:05:40,040 --> 00:05:42,680
Wow, someone ring Mensa(!)
100
00:05:42,680 --> 00:05:45,240
Well, your Gran should be
taking off about now.
101
00:05:45,240 --> 00:05:47,160
Hope she has a really nice time.
102
00:05:47,160 --> 00:05:51,560
In fact, I hope she has
such a lovely time,
she decides to retire there.
103
00:05:51,560 --> 00:05:55,000
# On the first day of Christmas
Diana went away... #
104
00:05:55,000 --> 00:05:58,360
Dad, what do you think I should get
Brendan for Christmas? Yes,
105
00:05:58,360 --> 00:06:01,320
what do you buy the boy
who eats everything?
106
00:06:01,320 --> 00:06:03,080
Erm...
107
00:06:03,080 --> 00:06:04,360
A gastric band perhaps?
108
00:06:06,040 --> 00:06:10,000
MOBILE PHONE RINGS
109
00:06:12,000 --> 00:06:14,880
Hello?
Hey, is that Mr Jimmy Vimable?
110
00:06:14,880 --> 00:06:17,720
Er, almost, it's Venables.
111
00:06:17,720 --> 00:06:19,880
Er, this is Bill Tucker.
112
00:06:19,880 --> 00:06:23,280
My wife and I did the home
exchange with Diana Neil...
113
00:06:23,280 --> 00:06:26,600
Oh, right, how are you settling in,
did you have a good flight?
114
00:06:26,600 --> 00:06:28,600
How'd you get this number?
115
00:06:28,600 --> 00:06:33,040
Well, Mrs Neil gave it to us,
she said that you were like
the janitor, or something.
116
00:06:34,240 --> 00:06:37,520
Did she now? Yeah, we got a...
117
00:06:37,520 --> 00:06:40,280
couple of issues
that need resolution.
118
00:06:40,280 --> 00:06:41,800
I beg your pardon?
119
00:06:41,800 --> 00:06:44,000
One of the light bulbs
seems to have blown.
120
00:06:44,000 --> 00:06:46,520
Well, that's easy enough to fix,
121
00:06:44,000 --> 00:06:46,520
no problem.
122
00:06:46,520 --> 00:06:48,600
That's great,
so you'll come right over?
123
00:06:48,600 --> 00:06:51,080
No, I meant that's easy enough
for you to fix.
124
00:06:51,080 --> 00:06:53,840
There'll be some bulbs somewhere,
cupboard under the stairs.
125
00:06:53,840 --> 00:06:56,360
Pardon me? Sorry, closet.
126
00:06:58,000 --> 00:07:02,280
You know, your gran is the only
person who can annoy me
from 3,000 miles away.
127
00:07:02,280 --> 00:07:04,160
How dare she give them my number?
128
00:07:04,160 --> 00:07:06,360
Oh, she dare!
129
00:07:06,360 --> 00:07:08,480
PHONE RINGS
130
00:07:06,360 --> 00:07:08,480
Oh!
131
00:07:08,480 --> 00:07:10,640
Yeah...
132
00:07:10,640 --> 00:07:12,320
Hello?
133
00:07:12,320 --> 00:07:16,000
Oh, hi, this is Faye Tucker,
Bill's wife.
134
00:07:16,000 --> 00:07:18,560
I feel we got off on
the wrong foot just now.
135
00:07:18,560 --> 00:07:22,160
We don't mean to be unreasonable,
it's just that it's getting dark out
136
00:07:22,160 --> 00:07:26,000
and it's not even 3:30.
I mean, what's with that?
137
00:07:26,000 --> 00:07:29,480
Yes. All right,
I'll come over later.
138
00:07:29,480 --> 00:07:32,600
In the meantime, just sit tight
and watch TV or something.
139
00:07:32,600 --> 00:07:35,960
Oh, that's the other thing,
we only get five channels.
140
00:07:35,960 --> 00:07:40,000
And my husband wants to know,
where's the rest of the house?
141
00:07:40,960 --> 00:07:43,160
Have you tried
down the back of the sofa?
142
00:07:45,960 --> 00:07:49,560
Next, they'll be asking me to
flush the loo for them. It's Gran.
143
00:07:49,560 --> 00:07:50,920
You're telling me it's Gran.
144
00:07:50,920 --> 00:07:53,480
No, really, it's Gran.
145
00:08:03,440 --> 00:08:04,480
So you're OK?
146
00:08:04,480 --> 00:08:08,440
Yes. The car's a write-off,
I'm fine, just a bit shaken.
147
00:08:08,440 --> 00:08:10,520
And the other person's all right?
148
00:08:10,520 --> 00:08:13,240
Well, it wasn't exactly
another person.
149
00:08:13,240 --> 00:08:15,640
Well, what was it then,
a wood troll?
150
00:08:16,600 --> 00:08:18,720
If you must know, it was a cow.
151
00:08:24,400 --> 00:08:28,000
You hit a cow? I was on my way
152
00:08:24,400 --> 00:08:28,000
to the airport and I was taking
153
00:08:28,000 --> 00:08:31,000
my usual short cut, and then for
some reason, there was this cow.
154
00:08:31,000 --> 00:08:33,800
Well, what was a cow doing
in the road?
155
00:08:33,800 --> 00:08:35,560
Did I say I was on the road?
156
00:08:38,360 --> 00:08:40,400
It was a short cut, all right?
157
00:08:40,400 --> 00:08:45,360
It starts on the road and then
it goes sort of through a farm
158
00:08:40,400 --> 00:08:45,360
and then kind of across a field.
159
00:08:45,360 --> 00:08:51,200
I've done it hundreds of times
and for some reason, this time,
160
00:08:45,360 --> 00:08:51,200
there was a cow in the way.
161
00:08:51,200 --> 00:08:55,920
Who would have thought it,
a cow in a field?!
162
00:08:55,920 --> 00:08:57,480
What rotten luck!
163
00:08:57,480 --> 00:08:59,720
Yes, it's not usually there.
164
00:09:01,680 --> 00:09:03,440
Should have sounded its horn.
165
00:09:05,480 --> 00:09:09,200
Didn't it realise you were
trying to get a MOO-ve on?!
166
00:09:09,200 --> 00:09:14,280
That's enough, Jimmy. Well, didn't
167
00:09:09,200 --> 00:09:14,280
you see it coming the UDDER way?
168
00:09:14,280 --> 00:09:17,360
Shut up! Sorry, sorry.
169
00:09:17,360 --> 00:09:18,880
I'm milking it.
170
00:09:21,680 --> 00:09:24,800
It was a very upsetting experience.
171
00:09:24,800 --> 00:09:28,240
Put some brandy in this, would you?
There's some over there.
172
00:09:29,760 --> 00:09:32,400
Anyway, I've missed my flight.
173
00:09:32,400 --> 00:09:34,080
Well, you can get another one,
174
00:09:34,080 --> 00:09:39,040
can't you? It's the week
before Christmas, Jimmy,
everything's booked.
175
00:09:39,040 --> 00:09:42,360
Are you sure, Diana, have you tried
absolutely everything?
176
00:09:42,360 --> 00:09:47,080
Well, short of booking my berth
on a tramp steamer and working
177
00:09:42,360 --> 00:09:47,080
my passage shovelling coal!
178
00:09:48,040 --> 00:09:49,200
It's an option.
179
00:09:51,320 --> 00:09:55,160
I'll never get to Florida now.
No, no, that's a shame.
180
00:09:55,160 --> 00:09:58,920
Well, you'd better get off home.
181
00:09:55,160 --> 00:09:58,920
I can't go to my house,
it's full of Americans.
182
00:09:58,920 --> 00:10:02,480
Well, you can't stay here.
Give me one good reason.
183
00:09:58,920 --> 00:10:02,480
You'll spoil everything.
184
00:10:03,920 --> 00:10:06,880
Jimmy, it's Christmas. You said
one good reason, off you go.
185
00:10:06,880 --> 00:10:08,920
Look, you won't even know I'm here.
186
00:10:08,920 --> 00:10:10,480
Neither did that cow.
187
00:10:11,800 --> 00:10:16,400
I'll sleep on the sofa bed, I'll
fold it up before you're even awake
and I'll be last in the queue
188
00:10:16,400 --> 00:10:21,080
to the bathroom. You won't even
have to buy me a present. Oh, great,
now I've got to buy you a present.
189
00:10:21,080 --> 00:10:25,320
PHONE RINGS
190
00:10:25,320 --> 00:10:26,400
Ah, this is for you,
191
00:10:26,400 --> 00:10:27,680
it's the Tuckers.
192
00:10:27,680 --> 00:10:31,880
I can't speak to them,
I'm supposed to be in Florida
looking after their house.
193
00:10:31,880 --> 00:10:35,280
Please, Jimmy, deal with it.
I've had a pig of a day.
194
00:10:35,280 --> 00:10:38,040
You hit a pig as well?
195
00:10:38,040 --> 00:10:39,760
Hello...
196
00:10:41,280 --> 00:10:44,960
..That's because
we don't eat as much.
197
00:10:44,960 --> 00:10:47,640
He wants to know why the fridge
is so small.
198
00:10:47,640 --> 00:10:50,840
The good news is, they've worked out
how to change a light bulb.
199
00:10:50,840 --> 00:10:53,000
That's the frontier spirit.
200
00:10:53,000 --> 00:10:55,040
I'll start to unpack.
201
00:10:55,040 --> 00:10:58,440
Stupid cow. What?
202
00:10:58,440 --> 00:11:00,080
Not you.
203
00:11:04,960 --> 00:11:08,720
If anything, Mr Heathcot,
204
00:11:08,720 --> 00:11:13,000
you should pay for the damage to
my car. After all, it was your cow.
205
00:11:16,720 --> 00:11:19,880
Juice, Molly? Er, yes, please, Dad.
206
00:11:19,880 --> 00:11:22,440
Trespassing's an ugly word,
Mr Heathcot.
207
00:11:22,440 --> 00:11:29,280
I was merely exercising my right
to roam under the Countryside
And Rights Of Way Act, 1997.
208
00:11:30,240 --> 00:11:32,800
..Yes, in a car.
209
00:11:34,320 --> 00:11:38,040
What are you looking for? Somewhere
to go with Brendan tomorrow.
210
00:11:38,040 --> 00:11:41,720
Prosecution is an ugly word,
Mr Heathcot.
211
00:11:41,720 --> 00:11:46,600
All right, I'll pay for your cow.
But if I do that, that means
I own it, right?
212
00:11:46,600 --> 00:11:49,440
Good, when can I expect delivery?
213
00:11:51,120 --> 00:11:56,760
You should take him to that
all-you-can-eat place on the
214
00:11:51,120 --> 00:11:56,760
high street. Oh, he's been barred.
215
00:11:56,760 --> 00:11:59,480
EU-subsidised buffoon!
216
00:12:09,480 --> 00:12:11,880
Gloria Hunniford not in today?
217
00:12:11,880 --> 00:12:15,400
Nah, you were right,
did a little client recognition.
218
00:12:15,400 --> 00:12:19,480
It's strictly Hollywood A-list
from now on, see...
219
00:12:20,360 --> 00:12:21,920
See what?
220
00:12:21,920 --> 00:12:24,200
Jack Nicholson.
221
00:12:29,000 --> 00:12:31,640
Here's Johnny!
222
00:12:32,840 --> 00:12:35,520
Lovely. Spot-on!
223
00:12:35,520 --> 00:12:37,120
What can I get you, gentlemen?
224
00:12:37,120 --> 00:12:40,080
Oh, erm, a pint of lager
and a Coke, please.
225
00:12:40,080 --> 00:12:43,120
Coming right up.
226
00:12:44,640 --> 00:12:47,600
It's a little different, isn't it?
227
00:12:47,600 --> 00:12:51,560
Well, I think I can safely say he's
not like anybody I've seen before.
228
00:12:51,560 --> 00:12:54,360
Well, well, well,
what burst your festive bubble?
229
00:12:54,360 --> 00:12:58,680
It's finally sunk in, hasn't it,
230
00:12:54,360 --> 00:12:58,680
a million pounds?
231
00:12:58,680 --> 00:13:02,160
Kev, I'm quite happy
with my £2,000, thank you.
232
00:13:02,160 --> 00:13:08,400
No, it's Diana, swanning back,
moving in, disrupting all my plans
for Christmas. Which were?
233
00:13:08,400 --> 00:13:10,480
Well, nothing, that's just it.
234
00:13:10,480 --> 00:13:16,840
Watching telly, eating, basking
in the adulation of my children as
they open their expensive presents.
235
00:13:16,840 --> 00:13:23,360
But now, I've got to do things, talk
to people, shave, put on trousers.
236
00:13:23,360 --> 00:13:25,080
It's not fair.
237
00:13:25,080 --> 00:13:29,600
She's already dragging us off
to some boring opera tonight,
238
00:13:25,080 --> 00:13:29,600
"as a family."
239
00:13:29,600 --> 00:13:32,400
Yeah, but you don't know
it's gonna be boring.
240
00:13:32,400 --> 00:13:37,360
Oh, no, no, it might be one of those
fun operas we hear so much about.
241
00:13:37,360 --> 00:13:40,880
You know? With Bruce Willis, car
chases and partial female nudity.
242
00:13:40,880 --> 00:13:47,120
PHONE RINGS
243
00:13:40,880 --> 00:13:47,120
It's them again.
244
00:13:47,120 --> 00:13:49,560
Hello, Mr Tucker...
245
00:13:49,560 --> 00:13:54,480
Well, the red one's hot
and the blue one's cold...
246
00:13:54,480 --> 00:14:00,640
Well, you mix the water in the basin
after it's come out of the tap...
247
00:14:00,640 --> 00:14:03,880
Yes, isn't this a crazy country?!
248
00:14:05,400 --> 00:14:08,480
It's comforting to know they're
having as bad a time as I am.
249
00:14:08,480 --> 00:14:10,360
Here's your lager!
250
00:14:11,840 --> 00:14:13,280
Here's your Coke!
251
00:14:14,720 --> 00:14:17,720
Here's your change!
252
00:14:17,720 --> 00:14:19,360
Little pigs, little pigs.
253
00:14:23,360 --> 00:14:25,680
There, that's cheered you up.
254
00:14:28,960 --> 00:14:32,840
Well, that was a pile of poop.
The Love for Three Oranges
255
00:14:32,840 --> 00:14:34,520
is Prokofiev's masterpiece.
256
00:14:34,520 --> 00:14:37,040
Should have slipped out
after the first orange.
257
00:14:40,160 --> 00:14:43,600
That's the last fruit-based opera
I'm letting you drag me to.
258
00:14:47,920 --> 00:14:50,480
Oh, no... What?
259
00:14:50,480 --> 00:14:53,000
Not at Christmas.
260
00:14:53,000 --> 00:14:55,000
We've been burgled.
261
00:14:55,000 --> 00:14:58,760
Oh, for heaven's sake! The presents!
262
00:14:58,840 --> 00:15:00,240
My baby Kakas!
263
00:15:01,320 --> 00:15:03,800
Yeah, they've all gone,
every single one of them.
264
00:15:03,800 --> 00:15:08,760
Oh, it's all right, Dad, you can
easily replace a couple of pairs
of socks and a Boots voucher.
265
00:15:08,760 --> 00:15:11,640
No, you don't understand,
this year was gonna be different.
266
00:15:11,640 --> 00:15:13,520
Bubble bath and a Boots voucher.
267
00:15:13,520 --> 00:15:16,800
Panic over, the dolls are safe.
268
00:15:16,800 --> 00:15:18,440
No, listen I...
269
00:15:18,440 --> 00:15:23,200
I bought this scratch card and I won
£2,000. I didn't wanna tell anyone,
270
00:15:23,200 --> 00:15:28,600
cos I wanted to give my kids
a lovely surprise for Christmas.
Is this the plot of another opera?
271
00:15:28,600 --> 00:15:32,560
No, I bought all these
really, really expensive presents.
272
00:15:32,560 --> 00:15:35,200
And now they've all been stolen.
273
00:15:35,200 --> 00:15:38,800
And we'll never know
if you were telling the truth.
274
00:15:38,800 --> 00:15:40,840
How convenient!
275
00:15:42,080 --> 00:15:45,280
And the worst thing is, no-one
will believe how generous I am.
276
00:15:45,280 --> 00:15:48,360
Well, now is your chance to show us.
277
00:15:48,360 --> 00:15:50,920
Pint of lager, please,
Jack Nicholson.
278
00:15:52,440 --> 00:15:55,400
You made me an offer I can't refuse.
279
00:15:55,400 --> 00:15:57,120
That's Marlon Brando.
280
00:15:57,120 --> 00:15:59,440
I do him as well.
281
00:16:05,120 --> 00:16:08,000
I mean, who robs somebody
at Christmas?
282
00:16:08,000 --> 00:16:11,120
Well, you only have yourself
to blame. Don't you remember?
283
00:16:11,120 --> 00:16:15,480
"Listen to me, everyone, listen,
I've just won 2,000 quid."
284
00:16:15,480 --> 00:16:19,520
What, are you saying it's someone
from in here? I'm saying nothing.
285
00:16:19,520 --> 00:16:22,600
But 75% of my customers are scum.
286
00:16:24,120 --> 00:16:25,680
It could be anyone.
287
00:16:47,000 --> 00:16:50,400
What? Oh, that really hurts.
288
00:16:51,360 --> 00:16:53,960
What about him, Bobby,
what's his story?
289
00:16:53,960 --> 00:16:57,680
Mr Deakin, no, he's one of
my regulars. At least he was,
290
00:16:57,680 --> 00:17:01,040
then he went away for six months,
then he came back,
291
00:17:01,040 --> 00:17:04,760
then he went away for 90 days,
then he came back,
292
00:17:04,760 --> 00:17:08,080
then he went away for five years.
293
00:17:08,080 --> 00:17:10,240
So what does that say to you?
294
00:17:10,240 --> 00:17:12,200
He's got a timeshare.
295
00:17:14,120 --> 00:17:18,520
Or a holiday apartment
in Strangeways.
296
00:17:18,520 --> 00:17:20,960
Ah, it's easy to get paranoid.
297
00:17:20,960 --> 00:17:25,280
Bobby, he was in here the night I
won the scratch card and when I was
298
00:17:25,280 --> 00:17:28,800
talking about going to the opera,
he knew the house would be empty.
299
00:17:28,800 --> 00:17:33,560
And let's face it, he looks well
dodgy, and that's coming from me.
300
00:17:33,560 --> 00:17:37,600
Look at that, look,
that's gotta be a stolen watch.
301
00:17:37,600 --> 00:17:43,600
How dare he? Fencing it on in my pub
and not even offering me a cut.
302
00:17:43,600 --> 00:17:48,200
I think the police will be
very interested in what
I'm about to tell them.
303
00:17:49,280 --> 00:17:56,360
Oh, my God! How could they steal an
entire ham? That was for Christmas!
304
00:17:56,360 --> 00:18:00,080
Actually, Brendan ate that,
he fancied a sandwich.
305
00:18:00,080 --> 00:18:04,640
With brandy butter and stuffing
and a whole wheel of brie?
306
00:18:04,640 --> 00:18:06,720
Brendan can't get enough of my food.
307
00:18:06,720 --> 00:18:09,880
Oh, it must be love. I know!
308
00:18:09,880 --> 00:18:15,600
Right, done it,
I'm off down the high street
to flog some of these babies.
309
00:18:15,600 --> 00:18:18,240
Well, they are actually babies.
310
00:18:18,240 --> 00:18:23,200
Christmas is getting close, parents
are getting panicky and I intend
to take full financial advantage
311
00:18:23,200 --> 00:18:26,680
of the situation.
And a merry Christmas to you.
312
00:18:26,680 --> 00:18:28,200
PHONE BLEEPS
313
00:18:28,200 --> 00:18:31,120
Ooh, I'd better get going.
Mum got your tea on the table?
314
00:18:31,120 --> 00:18:33,680
No, I'm helping Sarah from physics
with her homework.
315
00:18:33,680 --> 00:18:35,840
Well, fine, off you go then.
316
00:18:35,840 --> 00:18:38,080
I'm sure I can give you
your Christmas present later.
317
00:18:38,080 --> 00:18:41,160
I'm sure the pate will keep.
Oh, pate?
318
00:18:41,160 --> 00:18:43,960
It's duck liver pate.
319
00:18:43,960 --> 00:18:45,640
Our Christmas hamper?
320
00:18:45,640 --> 00:18:48,560
I suppose Sarah can wait.
321
00:18:48,560 --> 00:18:50,800
Molly, it's a bit extravagant,
isn't it?
322
00:18:50,800 --> 00:18:54,720
No, it's all right, I'll just cut
down on presents for everyone else.
323
00:18:54,720 --> 00:18:56,240
There you are.
324
00:18:57,880 --> 00:19:02,520
Chocolate money? How delightful(!)
Shouldn't we wait for Christmas day?
325
00:19:02,520 --> 00:19:06,080
I wouldn't, if I were you,
it says best before December 20th.
326
00:19:07,680 --> 00:19:11,160
Oh, fine, enjoy the rest
of your Christmas party.
327
00:19:11,160 --> 00:19:15,000
Never mind, boss.
It's ridiculous, what's wrong
with the police force these days?
328
00:19:15,000 --> 00:19:17,480
It's not been the same
since Taggart died.
329
00:19:19,760 --> 00:19:22,000
Just gonna have to
do their job for them.
330
00:19:22,000 --> 00:19:25,920
Oh, that's vigilante talk,
I like it.
331
00:19:25,920 --> 00:19:28,480
All we have to do is
catch the villains in the act.
332
00:19:28,480 --> 00:19:32,040
Well, it's not as if they're
gonna come back, is it?
They've already cleaned me out.
333
00:19:32,040 --> 00:19:33,600
But they don't know that.
334
00:19:33,600 --> 00:19:38,000
So, Jimmy, going out again tonight?
335
00:19:38,000 --> 00:19:40,240
What?
336
00:19:40,240 --> 00:19:44,040
Oh, yes, out all night,
337
00:19:44,040 --> 00:19:47,840
whole family, place is going to be
completely empty.
338
00:19:47,840 --> 00:19:52,160
And remember all that lovely
stuff you bought that the
stupid burglar missed.
339
00:19:52,160 --> 00:19:56,080
Oh, yes, like that early sketch
of Monet's water lilies,
340
00:19:56,080 --> 00:20:00,320
that genuine Hockney print
and the Rembrandt.
341
00:20:00,320 --> 00:20:02,680
All right, Kev, don't overdo it.
All right.
342
00:20:02,680 --> 00:20:04,600
Unattributed Rembrandt.
343
00:20:08,120 --> 00:20:10,240
DOORBELL RINGS
344
00:20:16,640 --> 00:20:20,240
Oh, leave the door open,
make it easy for them.
345
00:20:20,240 --> 00:20:23,840
Everyone's out,
Diana's at some Christmas drink-up,
346
00:20:23,840 --> 00:20:28,440
Molly's round at Brendan's
and Alex is off selling babies.
What? Long story.
347
00:20:28,440 --> 00:20:32,320
OK, weapons. I've got a nine iron,
a cricket bat and a rugby ball.
348
00:20:32,320 --> 00:20:34,800
There was a sale on
at the sports shop.
349
00:20:36,520 --> 00:20:38,360
Excellent.
350
00:20:38,360 --> 00:20:43,200
I tell you, Jimmy, if it comes down
to him or me, it'll be him.
351
00:20:43,200 --> 00:20:49,240
Well, you might wanna lighten up a
bit. I'm sorry, Jimmy, but when my
dander's up, I'm a killing machine!
352
00:20:50,960 --> 00:20:52,720
You'd better have the rugby ball.
353
00:20:55,920 --> 00:20:59,080
Babies, get your babies!
354
00:21:02,000 --> 00:21:04,360
Is that a baby Kaka?
355
00:21:04,360 --> 00:21:07,520
That's right, sir, this year's
must-have Christmas toy...
356
00:21:07,520 --> 00:21:12,440
60 quid. Simmonds have got them
for £29.99. Have they, sir?
357
00:21:12,440 --> 00:21:15,000
Well, they say
they're getting some in.
358
00:21:15,000 --> 00:21:16,840
They're getting some in.
359
00:21:16,840 --> 00:21:20,320
Well, that's what you can tell
your daughter on Christmas day.
360
00:21:20,320 --> 00:21:25,000
"I don't have a present for you,
darling, but they're
getting some in." All right,
361
00:21:25,000 --> 00:21:26,720
all right, 60 quid.
362
00:21:26,720 --> 00:21:29,640
Ah, sorry,
the price has just gone up.
363
00:21:30,640 --> 00:21:34,080
Seventy. Eighty. Fine.
364
00:21:36,320 --> 00:21:37,600
Thank you.
365
00:21:43,520 --> 00:21:44,760
Goodbye.
366
00:21:54,960 --> 00:21:58,040
HE SNORES
367
00:21:59,520 --> 00:22:01,720
CLATTER
368
00:22:01,720 --> 00:22:03,400
(It's him!)
369
00:22:08,640 --> 00:22:11,320
Aaaaahhhhh...!
370
00:22:11,320 --> 00:22:12,960
Ow! Aaah!
371
00:22:12,960 --> 00:22:14,680
Oof!
372
00:22:15,640 --> 00:22:17,800
Diana, it's me, it's me...
373
00:22:17,800 --> 00:22:19,000
Ow!
374
00:22:19,960 --> 00:22:22,920
Agh! Oh, what a woman!
375
00:22:23,880 --> 00:22:26,760
HE SNORES
376
00:22:28,240 --> 00:22:31,480
There you go. Now, you will
take care of him, won't you?
377
00:22:31,480 --> 00:22:34,280
Yeah, of course we will.
378
00:22:31,480 --> 00:22:34,280
And don't let him eat junk food.
379
00:22:34,280 --> 00:22:36,040
It's just a doll.
380
00:22:36,040 --> 00:22:40,000
Yeah, of course,
you're right, it's just a doll.
381
00:22:41,560 --> 00:22:43,080
Goodbye, Joshua.
382
00:22:45,880 --> 00:22:49,000
All right, my little ones?
A little cold, are we?
383
00:22:49,000 --> 00:22:53,920
CRYING
384
00:22:49,000 --> 00:22:53,920
Ah, Toby, shush-shush!
385
00:22:56,960 --> 00:23:00,680
LAUGHTER
386
00:22:56,960 --> 00:23:00,680
There he is.
387
00:23:00,680 --> 00:23:04,040
Here,
388
00:23:00,680 --> 00:23:04,040
you the guy with the Kaka dolls?
389
00:23:04,040 --> 00:23:05,920
Erm, yes, why?
390
00:23:05,920 --> 00:23:07,560
I'll have three.
391
00:23:09,760 --> 00:23:11,640
There you go, darling.
392
00:23:09,760 --> 00:23:11,640
CRYING
393
00:23:11,640 --> 00:23:13,600
Actually, we're just closing. What?
394
00:23:13,600 --> 00:23:17,800
They're not for sale, here's
your money back. Hey! I'm sorry,
395
00:23:17,800 --> 00:23:20,080
you're just not fit
to be parents to a baby Kaka.
396
00:23:20,080 --> 00:23:23,240
Eh? In fact, if you don't walk away
397
00:23:20,080 --> 00:23:23,240
now, I'm calling Social Services.
398
00:23:23,240 --> 00:23:25,080
All right, all right, we're going.
399
00:23:30,960 --> 00:23:32,880
Come on, children, we're going home.
400
00:23:38,440 --> 00:23:43,680
What are you playing at, Jimmy?
The front door was open,
I thought you were burglars.
401
00:23:43,680 --> 00:23:46,280
You're the one who was wearing
a hoodie.
402
00:23:46,280 --> 00:23:50,600
This is a Jaeger winter collection
cashmere cardigan.
403
00:23:50,600 --> 00:23:55,520
Oh, I'm terribly sorry, it was
404
00:23:50,600 --> 00:23:55,520
a little too dark to read the label!
405
00:23:55,520 --> 00:23:56,680
Ah...
406
00:23:56,680 --> 00:23:58,640
Well, did you catch Mr Deakin?
407
00:23:58,640 --> 00:24:01,360
Who's Mr Deakin? The burglar... Ooh!
408
00:24:01,360 --> 00:24:03,840
Well, if you know his name,
why didn't you tell the police?
409
00:24:03,840 --> 00:24:09,600
I did, but I couldn't make myself
heard over the sound of traffic
410
00:24:03,840 --> 00:24:09,600
division playing pass the parcel.
411
00:24:09,600 --> 00:24:12,080
Oh, it's not been the same
since Morse died.
412
00:24:14,560 --> 00:24:16,000
It's not fair.
413
00:24:16,000 --> 00:24:18,200
I get beaten up by Granbo here...
414
00:24:19,320 --> 00:24:21,800
..and Deakin gets to enjoy
all my lovely gifts.
415
00:24:21,800 --> 00:24:25,000
How would he like it if his house
was burgled at Christmas?
416
00:24:25,000 --> 00:24:28,000
Actually, Jimmy,
that's not a bad idea.
417
00:24:28,000 --> 00:24:31,880
Two ideas in one night,
it's like Plato's Academy in here.
418
00:24:31,880 --> 00:24:34,880
Don't you see, Jimmy?
It's natural justice.
419
00:24:34,880 --> 00:24:39,560
He steals your presents, you steal
420
00:24:34,880 --> 00:24:39,560
them back. I like the sound of that.
421
00:24:39,560 --> 00:24:42,520
PHONE RINGS
422
00:24:42,520 --> 00:24:44,840
Hello. Hi, this is Bill Tucker.
423
00:24:44,840 --> 00:24:49,120
It's those Americans, how did they
get this number? I don't know... Oh.
424
00:24:49,120 --> 00:24:50,800
Yes, I do, I gave it to them.
425
00:24:50,800 --> 00:24:52,960
What? 'Hello?'
426
00:24:52,960 --> 00:24:57,880
Oh, hello, Mr Tucker.
427
00:24:52,960 --> 00:24:57,880
How are you doing, Mrs Neil?
428
00:24:57,880 --> 00:25:00,080
I'm fine, thank you,
429
00:25:00,080 --> 00:25:04,760
here in Florida,
drinking my orange juice in the sun.
430
00:25:04,760 --> 00:25:09,280
OK. We were just
concerned about Mr Tibby.
431
00:25:09,280 --> 00:25:12,440
Mr Tibby? Yeah, he was
a little sick when we left.
432
00:25:12,440 --> 00:25:18,720
Oh, yes, poor thing,
he's feeling much better now,
I fed him this morning. You fed him?
433
00:25:18,720 --> 00:25:23,440
Yes, as a matter of fact,
I'm tickling the back
of his neck right now.
434
00:25:23,440 --> 00:25:27,040
Well, you've obviously got to
know him a lot better than we did.
435
00:25:27,040 --> 00:25:30,080
Oh, yes,
I've always been very fond of them,
436
00:25:30,080 --> 00:25:32,400
but they do make me come out
in a rash.
437
00:25:32,400 --> 00:25:34,240
What, Italian-Americans?
438
00:25:34,240 --> 00:25:37,000
Are we talking about
the same Mr Tibby?
439
00:25:37,000 --> 00:25:40,160
Short guy, white hair,
mows the lawn on Tuesdays?
440
00:25:41,680 --> 00:25:47,480
Oh, I must go, a boy's just thrown
a newspaper at the screen door.
Goodbye. But...
441
00:25:47,480 --> 00:25:50,680
OK, this is the pub,
this pepper pot is Bobby
442
00:25:50,680 --> 00:25:55,000
and here's Mr Deakin
in his usual seat. Right?
443
00:25:55,000 --> 00:25:59,280
Now, when Bobby is plying
Deakin with free drinks,
444
00:25:59,280 --> 00:26:03,400
Kev and I, we will be in the van.
445
00:26:04,360 --> 00:26:08,080
What are you doing? We're playing
operation revenge burglary.
446
00:26:08,080 --> 00:26:09,360
We've got our dander up.
447
00:26:09,360 --> 00:26:12,080
Please, spare me the details.
448
00:26:12,080 --> 00:26:16,160
Are you in?
Well, I would, but I thought
there were only three Stooges.
449
00:26:16,160 --> 00:26:18,600
Jimmy, have you seen my watch? No.
450
00:26:18,600 --> 00:26:24,000
I know I had it on when I hit the cow
because I remember taking its pulse.
451
00:26:24,000 --> 00:26:29,120
If you need a watch, that Deakin
fella was selling one in the pub.
452
00:26:24,000 --> 00:26:29,120
A gold watch? Yeah.
453
00:26:30,480 --> 00:26:33,680
What are you doing?
I'm in. Let's steal back Christmas.
454
00:26:33,680 --> 00:26:37,920
Right, so, as soon as Bobby
has got the address from Deakin,
455
00:26:37,920 --> 00:26:40,440
Kev and I drive round to his house.
456
00:26:41,960 --> 00:26:45,240
There you are, sir,
one half of cider, on the house.
457
00:26:45,240 --> 00:26:49,400
Oh, cheers. Hold it...
458
00:26:49,400 --> 00:26:52,200
Are you 18? Are you insane?
459
00:26:52,200 --> 00:26:55,800
Yes, I'm famously eccentric.
460
00:26:55,800 --> 00:26:59,000
I have Jack Nicholson
pulling pints...
461
00:27:00,440 --> 00:27:03,240
..Posh and Becks
collecting empties...
462
00:27:05,840 --> 00:27:07,480
Do you want that drink, or not?
463
00:27:07,480 --> 00:27:09,240
All right.
464
00:27:09,240 --> 00:27:11,000
How about this?
465
00:27:11,000 --> 00:27:15,240
Driving licence, that'll do nicely.
466
00:27:18,600 --> 00:27:20,240
Got it.
467
00:27:20,240 --> 00:27:23,000
36, Camberley Gardens.
468
00:27:23,000 --> 00:27:25,800
Right.
469
00:27:23,000 --> 00:27:25,800
ENGINE FAILS
470
00:27:25,800 --> 00:27:27,840
Oh, no... What?
471
00:27:27,840 --> 00:27:31,000
It's doing that thing again.
472
00:27:27,840 --> 00:27:31,000
ENGINE FAILS
473
00:27:31,000 --> 00:27:34,280
What thing?
That thing when it won't start.
474
00:27:36,840 --> 00:27:39,520
Kev, have you been taking this van
off road again?
475
00:27:39,520 --> 00:27:42,120
But, boss...
476
00:27:42,120 --> 00:27:44,440
I came third.
477
00:27:50,560 --> 00:27:54,280
Cheers for that, Bobby,
I'm off home. Happy Christmas.
478
00:27:54,280 --> 00:27:57,200
No, wait. Er...have another drink.
479
00:27:57,200 --> 00:28:01,800
No, I really couldn't.
Please, I'm begging you. I...
480
00:28:01,800 --> 00:28:03,680
I'm so very lonely.
481
00:28:04,640 --> 00:28:05,880
Oh.
482
00:28:05,880 --> 00:28:08,840
OK, Bobby, but just the one, mind.
483
00:28:08,840 --> 00:28:12,200
I'll just, you know,
go and make some room.
484
00:28:16,440 --> 00:28:20,120
PHONE RINGS
485
00:28:20,120 --> 00:28:23,800
You have to hurry up, Jimmy,
the man's ruining me
with his free drinks.
486
00:28:23,800 --> 00:28:25,440
Well, how many have you given him?
487
00:28:25,440 --> 00:28:27,800
A pint and a half!
488
00:28:29,320 --> 00:28:31,960
Come on, the plan's working.
489
00:28:31,960 --> 00:28:35,320
Yes, but as soon as he's
finished this one, he's going home.
490
00:28:35,320 --> 00:28:39,560
OK, let's go with plan B.
491
00:28:35,320 --> 00:28:39,560
ENGINE STARTS
492
00:28:42,360 --> 00:28:46,080
You mean...the nuclear option?
493
00:28:59,240 --> 00:29:02,040
Hello there. Hello.
494
00:29:03,600 --> 00:29:04,840
Buy a girl a drink?
495
00:29:04,840 --> 00:29:07,400
Er, sure.
496
00:29:07,400 --> 00:29:09,840
Er, Bobby...
497
00:29:09,840 --> 00:29:11,360
That's more like it.
498
00:29:13,880 --> 00:29:16,600
ENGINE FAILS
499
00:29:16,600 --> 00:29:18,680
Hey-ho, stalled again.
500
00:29:18,680 --> 00:29:21,560
You know what it is, boss,
the engine's full of mud.
501
00:29:23,000 --> 00:29:24,440
You're gonna have to give us a push.
502
00:29:32,080 --> 00:29:35,240
Do you like opera? Not really.
503
00:29:35,240 --> 00:29:39,200
I think The Love for Three Oranges
is Prokofiev's Masterpiece.
504
00:29:39,200 --> 00:29:40,640
Right, good.
505
00:29:42,000 --> 00:29:45,040
Anyway, I should be off.
506
00:29:42,000 --> 00:29:45,040
Would you like another drink?
507
00:29:45,040 --> 00:29:48,600
Er, no, thanks.
How about some chocolate money?
508
00:29:48,600 --> 00:29:50,840
No, I've really got to be going.
509
00:29:50,840 --> 00:29:54,720
Wait, would you like to go on
somewhere a little more intimate?
510
00:29:55,880 --> 00:29:57,640
I'll get us a cab.
511
00:30:00,600 --> 00:30:04,760
PHONE RINGS
512
00:30:04,760 --> 00:30:09,280
Hello. What is going on in
your house? This is crazy.
513
00:30:09,280 --> 00:30:11,160
You tell me, I'm in Florida.
514
00:30:11,160 --> 00:30:14,880
All this beef just arrived.
515
00:30:14,880 --> 00:30:16,560
Oh, good.
516
00:30:16,560 --> 00:30:18,640
It looks like a whole damn cow.
517
00:30:25,360 --> 00:30:28,240
It's my way of
welcoming you to London.
518
00:30:28,240 --> 00:30:30,320
A fruit basket is so passe.
519
00:30:32,120 --> 00:30:34,560
What are we supposed to do
with all this?
520
00:30:34,560 --> 00:30:38,920
Make some hamburgers? I hear
that's what you're good at. Erm...
521
00:30:38,920 --> 00:30:43,120
Oh, my word, there's
a 'gator just appeared in
the backyard, I'll have to go.
522
00:30:51,920 --> 00:30:52,960
You all right, Kev?
523
00:30:52,960 --> 00:30:55,880
Yeah, boss. Thank God
for shoddy workmanship, eh?
524
00:30:55,880 --> 00:30:59,120
Actually, I think we fitted these.
525
00:30:59,120 --> 00:31:03,960
It'll be wear and tear, boss. Oh,
yeah, just wear and tear. Yeah.
526
00:31:03,960 --> 00:31:08,120
I'm still not sure about this.
Look, there are your presents.
527
00:31:08,120 --> 00:31:09,640
Ah-ha!
528
00:31:11,600 --> 00:31:14,600
Hey, boss,
there's a tin of Quality Street.
529
00:31:14,600 --> 00:31:16,640
Take it, that'll
spoil his Christmas.
530
00:31:18,200 --> 00:31:19,760
Take this back,
531
00:31:19,760 --> 00:31:21,800
and this, and this...
532
00:31:21,800 --> 00:31:23,600
What about Diana's watch?
533
00:31:23,600 --> 00:31:26,400
Oh, good point. You look over
there, I'll do this side. Right.
534
00:31:29,600 --> 00:31:31,240
Kev, look,
535
00:31:31,240 --> 00:31:36,280
Deakin enjoying himself on holiday,
probably on the Costa del crime.
536
00:31:36,280 --> 00:31:39,200
Yeah. Boss, found it.
537
00:31:39,200 --> 00:31:41,320
Great!
538
00:31:43,040 --> 00:31:46,080
You'd steal my kids'
Christmas presents, would you?
539
00:31:46,080 --> 00:31:47,960
I'm gonna clean you out.
540
00:31:47,960 --> 00:31:50,400
Now, boss,
you've got what you came for,
541
00:31:50,400 --> 00:31:53,480
I think we should... A toaster!
542
00:31:56,760 --> 00:31:59,840
Brendan, big news,
you'd better sit down.
543
00:31:59,840 --> 00:32:02,840
I've got a pie in the oven.
Is it mine?
544
00:32:02,840 --> 00:32:07,120
No, I mean, a pie -
chicken and leek. Is it mine?
545
00:32:07,120 --> 00:32:12,080
Of course it's yours, Brendan, you
know I don't cook for anybody else.
546
00:32:12,080 --> 00:32:14,040
Tuck in.
547
00:32:14,040 --> 00:32:16,880
Oh, er...
Actually, I'm not that hungry.
548
00:32:16,880 --> 00:32:18,480
What?
549
00:32:18,480 --> 00:32:20,520
Yeah, I'll just have
a glass of water.
550
00:32:20,520 --> 00:32:23,280
Wait a minute,
what's that on your collar?
551
00:32:24,240 --> 00:32:26,560
Oh, erm, that's lipstick.
552
00:32:26,560 --> 00:32:29,320
I know chilli sauce when I see it.
553
00:32:29,320 --> 00:32:32,000
You've been eating around,
haven't you?
554
00:32:32,000 --> 00:32:34,120
I don't know
what you're talking about.
555
00:32:34,120 --> 00:32:37,880
Brendan, I can smell onions on your
breath, who's been feeding you?
No-one.
556
00:32:37,880 --> 00:32:41,920
Well, if you're not getting it here,
you're getting it somewhere else.
557
00:32:37,880 --> 00:32:41,920
Who is it?
558
00:32:41,920 --> 00:32:44,640
All right, it's Sarah from physics.
559
00:32:46,040 --> 00:32:47,160
But why?
560
00:32:47,160 --> 00:32:50,920
It's just...she can offer me
something you never can, Molly.
561
00:32:50,920 --> 00:32:53,000
Her dad owns the kebab shop.
562
00:32:54,160 --> 00:32:58,200
And to think,
I almost let you have my pie!
563
00:32:58,200 --> 00:32:59,480
Get out!
564
00:33:03,640 --> 00:33:07,600
PHONE RINGS
565
00:33:07,600 --> 00:33:10,160
Diana? (What the hell's going on?)
566
00:33:10,160 --> 00:33:12,280
Nearly done,
had a spot of van trouble.
567
00:33:12,280 --> 00:33:13,960
How's Deakin?
568
00:33:13,960 --> 00:33:15,960
In the bedroom.
569
00:33:15,960 --> 00:33:18,080
Where are you?
570
00:33:18,080 --> 00:33:21,160
In a very expensive hotel,
and I'm paying.
571
00:33:21,160 --> 00:33:24,000
I've already spent £50 on champagne
just to stall him,
572
00:33:24,000 --> 00:33:26,120
and I'm running out of buttons.
573
00:33:26,120 --> 00:33:28,480
Diana! I'm coming.
574
00:33:28,480 --> 00:33:30,840
Please tell me
you're clear of his house.
575
00:33:30,840 --> 00:33:33,160
Nearly there,
be on our way in no time.
576
00:33:34,520 --> 00:33:38,760
ENGINE FAILS
577
00:33:39,960 --> 00:33:41,960
Better order some more champagne.
578
00:33:52,720 --> 00:33:55,120
Tell me, Mr Deakin,
579
00:33:55,120 --> 00:33:57,880
have you ever bathed in champagne?
580
00:34:00,400 --> 00:34:01,920
Room service...
581
00:34:01,920 --> 00:34:05,200
Yes, me again.
582
00:34:06,720 --> 00:34:09,080
There, there, Marcus,
drink your fake milk.
583
00:34:09,080 --> 00:34:12,760
CRYING
584
00:34:09,080 --> 00:34:12,760
Oh, Bernard, your turn next.
585
00:34:12,760 --> 00:34:15,320
CRYING
586
00:34:12,760 --> 00:34:15,320
I'll change you soon, Shania.
587
00:34:15,320 --> 00:34:23,000
THEY ALL CRY AT ONCE
588
00:34:24,400 --> 00:34:26,640
Eighteen more years of this!
589
00:34:27,960 --> 00:34:30,280
Oh, Marcus!
590
00:34:35,520 --> 00:34:40,080
What an evening. You're telling me.
591
00:34:35,520 --> 00:34:40,080
Just as you think you've got
one of them to sleep,
592
00:34:40,080 --> 00:34:42,200
the other one wakes up,
then the other one wakes up,
593
00:34:42,200 --> 00:34:44,880
then the other one wakes up,
then the other one wakes up.
594
00:34:44,880 --> 00:34:50,920
Gran, I think I'm getting postnatal
depression. For goodness sake,
Alex, they're dolls!
595
00:34:50,920 --> 00:34:55,200
But am I still attractive?
Of course you're still attractive,
596
00:34:55,200 --> 00:34:59,640
motherhood's brought out the best
in you, you're positively radiant.
597
00:34:55,200 --> 00:34:59,640
Look at your cheeks!
598
00:34:59,640 --> 00:35:03,440
You smell of champagne. Oh, go away.
599
00:35:03,440 --> 00:35:05,120
Ah, Diana... How did it go?
600
00:35:05,120 --> 00:35:07,240
Like a dream, the good sort.
601
00:35:07,240 --> 00:35:09,720
Did you get my watch?
602
00:35:07,240 --> 00:35:09,720
Coming right up.
603
00:35:09,720 --> 00:35:11,880
Good work stalling Deakin,
how did it go?
604
00:35:11,880 --> 00:35:13,960
He drank the bath water
and fell asleep.
605
00:35:15,640 --> 00:35:17,560
There you are, your worship.
606
00:35:17,560 --> 00:35:19,360
Thank you.
607
00:35:17,560 --> 00:35:19,360
PHONE RINGS
608
00:35:19,360 --> 00:35:20,400
Oh...
609
00:35:22,760 --> 00:35:24,720
Hello, Mr Tucker.
610
00:35:24,720 --> 00:35:29,000
Mrs Neil, you really need to deal
with this beef.
611
00:35:29,000 --> 00:35:31,320
We have entrails all over the house.
612
00:35:31,320 --> 00:35:34,320
My kids
think that Santa has lost his mind!
613
00:35:34,320 --> 00:35:37,920
Don't worry, no problem,
I'll sort it out...from Florida.
614
00:35:39,240 --> 00:35:44,360
Look, Brendan, if you're
gonna apologise, don't do it
with your mouth full. Molly, phone.
615
00:35:45,680 --> 00:35:49,360
Hello, Brendan? Listen,
you're familiar with the phrase,
616
00:35:49,360 --> 00:35:52,600
"I'm so hungry, I could eat a horse,"
617
00:35:49,360 --> 00:35:52,600
how do you feel about a cow?
618
00:35:54,600 --> 00:35:57,000
Hey, Kev, look at this.
619
00:35:57,000 --> 00:36:00,320
Deakin doing some sort of
charity walk, what an idiot.
620
00:36:00,320 --> 00:36:02,120
Yeah. Hey, look at this one,
621
00:36:02,120 --> 00:36:07,880
being congratulated by some mayor
or other. Ha-ha! Oh, check this,
622
00:36:07,880 --> 00:36:10,240
Deakin with Prince Charles,
623
00:36:10,240 --> 00:36:15,440
being presented with a Prince's
Trust Award. What a little toerag!
624
00:36:15,440 --> 00:36:17,160
Chocolate?
625
00:36:17,160 --> 00:36:20,360
Oh, no, what's this?
626
00:36:20,360 --> 00:36:23,040
It's an MBE with his name on it.
627
00:36:24,560 --> 00:36:28,080
Gary Deakin.
628
00:36:24,560 --> 00:36:28,080
THEY LAUGH
629
00:36:28,080 --> 00:36:30,120
Oh, God.
630
00:36:32,160 --> 00:36:35,800
This isn't my watch. Mine was
engraved, "With love from Patrick."
631
00:36:35,800 --> 00:36:39,640
This says, "To Uncle Gary,
from all the staff at
the Children's Hospital."
632
00:36:41,160 --> 00:36:42,920
What are we gonna do?
633
00:36:42,920 --> 00:36:45,720
There's only one thing
we can do, the grown-up thing,
634
00:36:45,720 --> 00:36:48,800
we've got to go back to
Mr Deakin's house and face the music.
635
00:36:53,920 --> 00:36:56,920
Ready? Ready. Ready. Ready.
636
00:36:58,800 --> 00:37:01,760
DOORBELL RINGS
637
00:37:05,160 --> 00:37:06,520
Run!
638
00:37:16,560 --> 00:37:21,080
Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas.
Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas.
639
00:37:27,760 --> 00:37:31,800
You know, after a few sherries,
this place looks a bit like Florida.
640
00:37:31,800 --> 00:37:34,240
Hello, boss... Hello, boss-in-law.
641
00:37:34,240 --> 00:37:36,280
Oh, Kevin... Mmm...
642
00:37:36,280 --> 00:37:38,680
I've got a present for you.
643
00:37:38,680 --> 00:37:42,920
Oh, thank you. I'd open it now,
if I were you, it's liver.
644
00:37:42,920 --> 00:37:45,240
Oh.
645
00:37:45,240 --> 00:37:47,440
I got a tray of mince.
646
00:37:50,200 --> 00:37:51,600
Usual please, Bobby.
647
00:37:53,000 --> 00:37:55,760
And what would that be?
648
00:37:55,760 --> 00:37:57,600
And who's Bobby?
649
00:38:01,880 --> 00:38:03,600
Pretty good, eh?
650
00:38:30,320 --> 00:38:33,360
Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
651
00:38:33,360 --> 00:38:36,400
E-mail subtitling @bbc.co.uk
81243
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