Original subtitles

So, how was your day?

Dull.

Well, thank you, Molly, for that highly detailed account. Alex, how was...

Really interesting actually, did you know Chile is the world's largest supplier of copper?

OK, that's enough chit-chat.

Can we go now? No.

You're not going anywhere until you have finished. All right, fine.

IN MUFFLED VOICE:

Is it all right if I go now?

Yes, you may.

< Yoo-hoo!

Oh.

Diana, what have I told you about being in my eye line when I'm eating?

Very droll. Just popping in to remind you about Alex's inspection.

Oh, what's he got this time, nits?

You've forgotten, haven't you?

No...

I haven't forgotten that you told me something,

I've just forgotten what it was.

The scholarship inspector, from St Gabriel's.

Oh, the boarding school, yeah(!)

Who are they sending round, eh, Professor Dumbledore?

Jimmy, precisely what is your problem with private schools?

OK, since you have asked, I will tell you what my problem is,

they're poncy.

What a wonderfully eloquent answer.

Tell me, did they have a debating team at clown school?

Well, did they have a debating team at your posh private school?

Yes, they did.

Oh, just checking.

And please, make sure the house is tidy.

That scholarship is Alex's one chance to escape a life of mediocrity.

Are you calling me mediocre?

Yes, I like to be generous.

Ah, another gourmet triumph I see, extra thick with a cheesy crust,

now is that describing the pizza or the person who ordered it?

Trying to have a nice family meal, actually.

Honestly, I get no respect around here, lord knows why.

And the kids, they know the price of everything

and the value of nothing, and they treat this place like a hotel.

Seriously, if Alex tries to steal another dressing gown...

Jimmy, listen to you.

What? Moaning and whining, you're like an old woman.

Diana, I'm not like an old woman.

You need to butch up, Jimmy, those children need a strong male role model.

Oh, come on Diana, they've got you.

I'm quite serious, you know.

Yeah, so am I. Look, thank you for the concern but I'm plenty

man enough.

All right, come on.

You're joking, right? Not in the slightest, aikido brown belt.

Marks and Spencer genuine leather belt.

OK, OK, you're on.

Ready, steady, go.

Start when you're ready?

I'm not even trying.

I'm just warming up...

OK, best of three.

And obviously, me being a gentleman, I let her win. Course you did, boss.

What was the final score? Eight-nil.

You're a true gent, Jimmy Venables.

Oh, I know this one, Liverpool FC.

What do you think though, Kev, I'm a real man, aren't I?

Yeah, course you are. Although you are wearing an apron.

You could have told me. I didn't want to embarrass you. Oh, thanks.

Oh, I don't know, maybe Diana's got a point.

It's hard being a single parent, you know, juggling roles.

Lee Harvey Oswald.

It's like I have to be the mum and the dad.

And OK, maybe I have been getting a bit house-proud lately,

but between you and me, I quite enjoy flicking round the house with a duster.

Gaylord? Eh? Gaylord.

Howard Keele's character in Showboat. Oh.

You see, I used to be a bit of a lad.

Before I met Anne I was a biker.

You had a motorbike? Oh, yes.

Well, technically it was a moped but it went like a rocket,

especially if I didn't have any shopping in the little basket.

Bay of Pigs.

Oh, sorry Jimmy, next one's on me.

Hang on, where's my lucky coin?

Oh, no, I must have put it in the machine.

Well, it can't be that lucky - we lost, again.

But boss, every good thing that's ever happened to me

is because of that coin.

Meeting you, getting my job, being savaged by that pit bull.

How was that lucky?

Got me out of the Army. Right.

Well, that's it, I'm just gonna have to keep playing it until I win it back.

Lend us a quid, boss.

Showaddywaddy, nailed on, absolutely certain.

Lend us a quid, boss.

Alex, what the hell are you doing?

I'm just getting the house ready for the scholarship inspector.

You have got some explaining to do, young man, and this had better be good. Fine.

The scruffier the place is, the more they'll think I need a scholarship.

Alex, we don't have to pretend, you really do need a scholarship.

Yeah, we know that, but they don't.

I say go for the pity vote.

And now for the piece de resistance, a sprinkle of toenail clippings.

What?

DOORBELL RINGS

It's the inspector.

Right, I'm just gonna have to sit him down and explain our situation.

Fine, have it your way.

Steven Marks, St. Gabriel's.

Er, yes, come on through.

Daddy, please may I have a hot bath?

I think it's my turn this month.

Er, yes, OK, son.

Oh, and don't worry, I'll save the water when I'm finished.

We can make another broth.

Come on through.

Er, sorry about the mess - had a bit of an accident.

Luckily he's gone upstairs.

No, it's a nice place you've got here, nice and big.

Yeah, well, actually it's my ex-wife's house.

I've been living here ever since she popped off.

Oh, I'm very sorry to hear that.

Yeah, well, it's no big deal, then of course the kids still talk to her.

Yes, I hear that can help the bereavement process. Yeah.

No, she's not dead, she's in Africa.

Oh. So you live alone? Yes.

Jimmy!

More or less.

Diana Neil, how do you do.

Steven Marks, you must be Jimmy's mother.

What a wonderful sense of humour. No, I'm Anne's mother.

Oh, Jimmy's mother-in-law.

BOTH: Ex-mother-in-law.

Explaining our domestic situation.

Ah yes, really it's very simple, write this down, it's Anne's house

although I did pay the deposit.

Ah, here we go again. Plus I also

contribute to the utility bills.

Which no-one asked you to do.

I do the shopping and the laundry. I do the cleaning.

Are these toenail clippings?

But don't write that down, write this, I mow the lawn

and I take the bins out.

I maintain standards of etiquette.

I put the seat down. Only because I put a sign up.

JIMMY AND DIANA BICKER

And when can we expect to hear back about Alex's scholarship?

Well, I just need to type up my notes, and have a bit of a lie down.

I'll see myself out.

Nice one, Jimmy. Looks like Alex can kiss goodbye to a private education.

Oh, what a shame. Still, I'm sure they play Quidditch at the local comprehensive. Coffee?

Oh, Jimmy, have a bit of ambition.

Or there's Bovril.

Alex is going to better himself, whether you like it or not.

You'll never guess what happened. Ellie's phone got snatched.

Oh, dear. So I was wondering - would you teach me some self-defence?

Yeah, no problem. Actually, Dad,

I was talking to Gran.

Eh? Aikido brown belt.

Hold on a minute, I'm the man of this house.

I loosened it.

Hi, Dad. Hi.

What you doing? Nothing.

What kind of nothing?

Nothing nothing, or "close your eyes and leave the room. We must

never speak of this again" nothing?

If you must know, I'm trying to prove to your gran that

I'm still a real man.

You're buying a motorbike.

No.

OK, yes.

I'm not gonna be rushed into buying anything, I'm just doing some research.

Wow, look at that bad boy.

Ah, full service history, low mileage, good little runner,

current bid £500.

There's only 30 seconds left on the auction.

What does that mean?

It means bid now or lose it forever.

What do I do, what do I do?

Bid, bid, man, bid!

OK, panic over, you're winning the auction.

Hang about, does that mean I have to buy it?

Cos I'm not sure I even want it.

You've been outbid. What? Bid again, bid again!

I can't send! Time's running out, five seconds... My hands are shaking.

Three, two, one...

Alex, what just happened?

I think you just became a man.

Oh, wow.

I did it,

I won. I have bought a motorbike.

I am Jimmy Venables, hear me roar.

Oh.

Ah, bad luck, better luck next time.

Here,

I'll change that tenner for you.

Hi Bobby, Kev.

All right, boss. Nice jacket.

Oh, this old thing? Yeah, my biker jacket, found it in the loft.

You look dead cool, like that fella in the shades who used to hang around the men's toilets.

You know, "Hey, sit on it!"

Do you mean George Michael?

No, the Fonz.

Oh, right.

So what's with the new look?

Well, I was thinking maybe it's time for a change, you know. Let's face

it, I'm not getting any younger.

You've bought a motorbike.

Eh? Told you.

I said you'd go for the sports car and the Thai bride.

OK look, lads, this isn't some pathetic mid-life crisis,

this is a pathetic attempt to prove Diana wrong.

If you say so.

Well, you'll be laughing on the other side of your faces when I get my bike,

because there is nothing that chicks dig more than a dude on a bike.

Prove it.

What's that? I said prove it.

Offer someone a ride, like, I don't know...

her.

Nah, she's not really my type.

You mean she's out of your league?

Well, yeah, but I was trying to spare my feelings.

No-one's out of your league now, Jimmy, you've got a motorbike.

You're right.

OK.

Watch...and learn.

Would you please come for a ride with me on my motorbike,

so my mates don't think I'm a total loser.

Excuse me? No, all right, sorry. Whoa, slow down.

Sorry, sorry, it's just I'm a bit

out of practice when it comes to talking to women, you know.

Really? Cos it doesn't show(!)

Erm, Jimmy. Stella.

I only hope you don't ride as fast as you talk.

Actually, I've just bought my first bike tonight.

Ah, congratulations. So what's the spec?

Oh, no, that's just a bit of cobweb - it's been up in the loft.

No, the spec of the bike?

Oh, the sp... oh, it's big, it's a big spec.

It's got two wheels,

handlebars, no basket. It's got the lot.

Oh, it sounds exciting. Yeah.

I don't know if erm...

please don't be afraid to say no, but, erm...

I was just wondering if maybe you would like to, erm...

OK then.

Oh, God thank you so much.

Yeah, I mean, that's cool.

I've done it, jackpot, get in!

I'm so happy for you, Kev.

Bang goes another child support payment.

You're not gonna believe this. I'm taking her for a ride next week.

That's it, cancel the hair weave, I'm buying a motorbike.

Oh no, it's not here, no lucky coin!

Oh, Kev, why don't you just give it up.

No boss, once I've set my mind to something, I do it.

You know they used to call me the milkman.

Yeah, cos you always deliver?

No, because I used to be a milkman.

The most important aspect is using your assailant's momentum to your advantage.

IN "FONZ" VOICE: What's up, guys.

Whoa, Dad, where have you been working today, the 1980s?

What? The togs? Yeah, it's my new look.

No Jimmy, that's your old look - add a can of Tennent's and a wife

of superior breeding and we

could retake your wedding photo.

I wouldn't expect you to understand, Diana.

I have bought a motorbike.

Oh, well, that's actually pretty cool.

Yeah, well, that's what we real men do,

we buy stuff online,

and we don't even pay the optional postal insurance.

Well, that's as may be. Do you mind? We're in the middle of something.

Oh, the square's teaching you her girly self-defence, is she?

Actually, Gran, Dad's right. I'm not too sure about aikido.

Girly? Girly? Care to put your money where your mouth is, Jimmy?

Diana, that is not how combat works, not on the street,

cos in the real world, you're never sure when someone's gonna sneak attack.

Wow, Gran!

You see, Molly, it's all about using their momentum.

That was amazing.

Could someone help me up, please? >

All right, yeah, er, thanks for letting me know.

Dad, that was the admissions office at St Gabriel's.

Let me guess, they found out you're a Muggle.

No, my little pauper boy routine worked.

I've been invited to an interview.

Oh, right, well I suppose that's your ticket out of here.

Yep. Finally I can wave goodbye to this humdrum life of drudgery you've

carved out for me. No offence.

Some taken.

Well done, I suppose, even though St Gabriel's is totally uncool.

Huh, you wouldn't catch me at a private school.

Why, because you'd fail the interview? No.

Because you don't have any qualifications? No.

Cos you're a middle-aged man? No.

Because I am a biker, an outsider, a renegade, a rebel.

Alex, what have I told you about leaving the lid off the marmalade?

Sorry.

Now, I must get something to wear to the interview - something cheap,

scruffy and unfashionable, but where could I find such apparel?

Fine, borrow whatever you want.

Thanks, Dad.

Hey, dudes. Morning, Dad, we've been on a pre-school jog.

It's part of Molly's aikido training. Gran's like my own personal Yoda.

Ah, the resemblance is uncanny.

Are you starting, Mr Venables?

No, no, I would but I've got to let my breakfast go down first.

Oh, Dad, there's a parcel for you. Huh...

Sensei? What aikido move would I use to, theoretically speaking, hurt someone?

For argument's sake let's say...

Alex.

Molly, that really isn't what it's about.

In its native Japanese, the term "aikido" translates as the way of harmonious spirit.

You have got to be kidding...

Where's the rest of it?

Dad, that's it, it's a minibike.

It's a minibike, no.

Well, well, well, Jimmy, it rather appears you've been sold short.

This is Alex's fault. He panicked me into buying this.

And you didn't think to enquire about the size of the bike before you purchased it?

No, but it looked full size on the picture, look, that's it there, next to the tree.

The Bonsai tree, Jimmy?

One week's wages I've put in that quiz machine, and what

have I got to show for it?

I'm gonna go with A, diddly-squat.

Correct.

It's the history ones that get me.

How am I supposed to know where the Treaty of Versailles was signed?

Ah, Jimmy. Oh, hi.

So when are you picking me up for a ride on this bike of yours?

Er, yeah, the thing is there's been a tiny technical hitch.

Oh, maybe I can help.

What kind of bike did you say it was? Er, it's a red one.

How big's the engine?

Erm, to scale.

Well, when you get it sorted give me a call.

I promise I'll hold on tight.

You're gonna have to. See you around.

Wow, boss, that bike's a real babe magnet.

More like a fridge magnet.

Morning, Jimmy.

What have you got planned for Molly today, Jean-Claude Gran Damme?

Actually, I've come to wish Alex good luck for his interview. Alex!

Oh, right, the school for squares.

Receiving a private education doesn't make you a square, Jimmy.

No, it makes you a toff and a square.

Morning! Alex, you're not even dressed! The interview!

Whoa, take a stress pill Gran, this is what I'm wearing.

I'm rocking the lazy builder style.

But you look as if you've been dredged out of a canal.

Oh, stop it, you're just saying that.

Would someone care to explain the meaning of all this?

Look, Gran, if the interviewer feels sorry for me, they're more likely to take me in.

It's a private school, not a donkey sanctuary.

And if the outfit doesn't get him, I'll hit him with my secret weapon.

# Wheeeerrreee is love

# Does it fall from skies above

# Is it underneath the willow tree

# That I've been dreaming of? #

I think I've just been sick in my mouth.

Hey, come on Gran, wish me luck.

Oh, come here, silly boy.

Dad, let's hug. What?

No, real men don't hug.

But this is it, I'm leaving, St

Gabriel's, new school, new life.

And I'll see you in the holidays.

Come on, just a little cuddle.

Please, Daddy! No.

Alex, no hugging.

Suck it up, soldier, be a man.

Right.

Suppose I just have to leave without the paternal display of affection

my heart so desperately craves.

Yeah, OK, bye.

# As long as he needs me... #

Alex, get out.

Jimmy, what in God's name do you think you're doing?

Come on, Diana, you didn't wanna hear the whole song, did you?

It's not that, the boy's crying out for a bit of affection.

I'm trying to be the strong male role model like you wanted.

Face it, you can't bring yourself to support Alex because you're scared of losing him.

That's ridiculous.

Ridiculous? You're the one behaving like an overgrown child.

Oh, yeah? Well, you stink.

Oh, that's very mature. Oh, that's very mature(!)

I can't wait to go to school.

Oh, chips for lunch is it?

No, Ellie wants me to show her some of my aikido moves.

Oh, how wonderful! See, Jimmy, see what can be achieved when a

grown up truly engages with a child.

Diana, I am perfectly capable of acting like an adult.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have some adult business to attend to.

Ah, my lucky coin.

It was in the van all along.

Told you it was lucky, boss.

Lucky, you spent two hundred quid trying to find a one pound coin you hadn't even lost.

I can feel my luck starting to turn already.

Oh, a wine gum, mmm!

What's up with you, anyway?

Oh, it's just...you know who.

First she tells me to be more manly,

then she has a go at me for not hugging Alex before his stupid interview.

Big fuss over nothing.

My dad never hugged me, not once, point is I've turned out all right.

That's a beetle.

I've made a terrible mistake.

What you doing, boss? I've gotta

catch Alex before that interview.

Don't worry, you'll make it, luck is on our side.

CAR HORNS BEEP

Great.

There's no way I'm gonna get through there!

Unless...

MUSIC: "Born To Be Wild" by Steppenwolf

DEEP ENGINE REVS

TINNY ENGINE REVS

DEEP ENGINE REVS

TINNY ENGINE REVS

TINNY ENGINE REVS

Alex!

Dad?

Ah, OK, caught you.

Whoa, what are you wearing?

You look like a forgotten Village Person.

Yeah, this is not important.

Look, I wanted to say sorry, sorry for not being more supportive.

Oh, that's OK.

No, it's not OK - your Gran was right.

I just felt like you were...

leaving me behind.

Dad, I'll never leave you behind. Really?

Even when I grow up and move out I'll still keep coming back.

Always. Like a boomerang.

Every single weekend.

Well, once a month would be enough, I mean, don't wanna go overboard.

Look, good luck with the interview, yeah?

Just...

just be yourself.

Understood.

Come here, you big lug.

Dad, someone's taken your bike.

Its OK, Alex, I think I can afford to give him a head start. See you later.

So I said to him, good luck with the interview, and then I said just be yourself. Excellent.

So he was himself.

He told the interviewer he thought that St Gabriel's was a beacon of educational excellence

and then he did some jazz dance and played the theme tune to Blind Date on his armpit.

Oh well, I'm sure there's nothing wrong with state schools.

I'm sure Alex will grow up to be a wonderful shelf-stacker.

Ah, how's my little aikido pupil?

Great, thanks Gran.

I was trying to teach Ellie the whole momentum thing but she didn't get it,

so I got Mr Chandler in a wrist lock, like you showed me. Mr Chandler?

And then I threw him to the ground, knelt on his throat

and then I got sent to the headmaster's office and then...

I got given a report card!

Now all my friends think I'm a total bad arse. Thanks, Gran!

Oh dear, it appears I've turned sweet little Molly into something of a lethal weapon.

Yes, it looks like you've really made a mess of things.

It must be the benefit of a private education, sensei.

Well, that's big talk from someone who drives a two-stroke roller skate.

All right, come on then.

Are you sure you want to do this, Jimmy?

Yeah, come on, I'm feeling pretty manly right about now.

Don't say I didn't warn you.

You cheated. Come on, Diana, a man's gotta do what a man's gotta do.

Ah! Ah!

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