Original subtitles

# After you've gone and left me crying

# After you've gone There's no denying

# Some day when you grow lonely

# Your heart will break like mine and you'll want me only

# After you've gone

# After you've gone away. #

Bye, Gran, we're off.

Jimmy Venables, you work-shy oaf!

You see, this is why we're going over to your house.

Cack-handed, cream-faced loon.

No, we'll probably still be able to hear her from over there. Here.

What's that? It's installation art

entitled Your Father's Uselessness.

Which looks exactly like a basket full of wet knickers.

The washing machine broke in the middle of a cycle. I told

your father to fix it weeks ago.

You know Dad's philosophy. If it's not broke, don't fix it.

And if it is broke, don't fix it.

Robbie, could you ask your mother if she'd do a wash for us?

Gran, you can't ask that! You live across the street. You don't mind?

No problem. Now, I realise it's all the fashion to wash at 30 degrees

these days, but some of these pants do belong to Jimmy, so I think it's

probably best if she boil washes.

Don't you care about the planet?

Polar bears are vicious creatures and we'll be better off without them.

And tell your mum to be extra careful with my Spider-Man pants.

We'd better go, the

Chelsea match is about to start.

The Chelsea match?!

What? I like football. Since when?

Since the 31st of shut your gob.

Chop-chop, Robbie. Yes, Mrs Neil.

Mind your backs! We are coming through.

Ta-da! And if I might add, ta-da!

It's a ping-pong table.

Not just any ping-pong table.

Sting's ping-pong table.

No, it is a free ping-pong table.

Whatever. Come on, Robbie.

Jimmy, is this thing stolen?

Of course not, what makes you think that?

No reason.

Diana, we found it in a skip across the road. A skip?

What? Skips are a prime source of quality goods.

For a Womble, perhaps.

Well, Jimmy got the ping-pong table, and I got a medical dictionary and...

a monocle.

Now I can diagnose my own ailments and see out of one eye, hmm?

Take that thing out of here right now. What's Kev ever done to you?

Not him, that grubby table.

Grubby, the cheek.

Only tramps take things out of skips and keep them.

Well, what about that old second-hand tat in your house?

They're called antiques, Jimmy. OK, posh tat.

Take it out now! No.

Jimmy!

Hands off my table! This table

is not staying a minute longer.

This table is staying here a lot longer than you are, Diana.

Is it always like this?

Yeah, pretty much.

I'd better get off then, boss.

I've got a rash on my foot, I wanna diagnose it before tea time.

Good luck with that. Oh, I don't need luck.

Surely you can see that bringing in bits of rubbish you find in a skip

is not a good example to set the children.

Oh, oh, OK. Well, then I guess you won't be wanting these.

Thought these would go rather well with the rest of your posh tat.

Ooh, they are rather gorgeous.

I suppose the table can stay.

Good. Now, can I interest you in a lovely shower curtain?

So, this is nice.

Change is as good as a holiday.

Who'd have thought there'd be other pubs in Greater London, eh?

We should do this more often. We're builders, Kev, we are free spirits.

We should be out there in the world enjoying new experiences.

Not drinking in a pub where your ex-girlfriend works. Exactly!

So what we gonna tell Bobby?

Kev, Bobby runs a pub, he's used to customers coming

and going every day, he probably

doesn't even notice we've gone.

Or we just never go in there again, and if we see him in the street, we run.

Come on, boss, Bobby's our mate.

He's one of us. He's our companion who we care about and cherish.

I'll buy the next round if you forget he ever existed. Done.

There you are!

Good Lord.

Bobby! What brings you to this neck of the woods?

I've been looking everywhere for you!

When you didn't come to the pub after work, I got worried.

I started to panic something might have happened to you.

Well, we're fine, so...

thanks for coming. You could have been lying in a gutter for all I knew.

Tell him, boss.

Bobby, things are a bit awkward between me and Siobhan at the moment.

Awkward? She loves having you around.

I asked her for a Coke yesterday and she gave me an empty glass with a slice of lemon.

An easy mistake to make.

Then she spat in it.

We think we should take a break from the Leek and Shepherd for a while.

Hope you'll understand.

I most certainly will not.

And before you ask, your drinks are in the dog.

TABLE TENNIS IS PLAYED >

Oh, for goodness' sake!

Will you stop that racket?

It's not a racket. It's a bat.

Oh, very droll. Now, will you keep it down, please?

I'm trying to work through there.

Oh, come on Gran, you have a go.

Yeah,

you might like it if you try it.

Well, I suppose I could have a quick go.

How do you hold this thing?

This is going to be fun.

Ah, take that, young lady.

You are going down, l tell you, down!

I've already gone down,

you've beaten me six times. You?

I don't want to play.

Nonsense, it's a wholesome activity we can all enjoy. Pick up the bat.

Don't ask her to go easy. It only angers her more.

I haven't had this much fun in years.

Pick up the bat, Alex, we haven't got all day. Actually, Gran...

I said pick up the bat!

See? Fun for all the family.

This actually is quite fun.

Argh!

Well, well, well.

It looks like someone's enjoying the benefits of skip-raking.

I must admit, Jimmy, this table is the best thing that's happened to this family since your divorce.

Help us, Dad!

You, er, fancy a game, Diana?

If you think you're hard enough, Venables, bring it on.

Huh, you're on!

I'm about to make you wish you were never born.

Finally we'll have something in common.

DOORBELL

You are in for the ass-whooping of your life.

And you're about to get beaten more thoroughly than Rasputin

before they threw him in the icy waters of the River Neva.

Which is a lot. Er, Dad, Robbie's dad wants to talk to you.

Oh, Keith...

Jimmy, hi.

You know there's been a fancy new car parked on your driveway for

days. Got the plumbers in, have you?

So anyway, Jimmy,

I just came over cos Robbie pointed out there might have been a teensy tiny bit of a misunderstanding. Oh?

Well, regarding this old thing.

What kind of misunderstanding?

The kind of misunderstanding where the table really belongs to me. What?

What? Well, you should probably just

take this away

and let us get along with slobbing around doing nothing.

Yeah, excuse me, I pulled this out of a skip fair and square.

Yes, my skip.

If you love this table like we do it wouldn't have been in the skip!

Exactly. Thank you, Diana.

You're so welcome, Jimmy.

I had nothing to do with that. I came home from work and it was gone. It must have been my...

my beautiful caring wife that did it.

She's got this crazy idea that I'm obsessed with the ping-pong table.

Crazy idea. Can't imagine how that would ever happen to a person.

So, if I could just take the table back, we'll forget all about it.

Do something, Jimmy. You can't take this table.

It's my property. I can do what I like with it.

No. The law of the skip clearly states that once

an item enters a skip it ceases to be your property and becomes the property of whoever claims it first.

There's no law of the skip. Oh, there's a law of the skip.

Everyone knows about the law of the skip.

It's one of life's great unwritten rules, like not asking what's in a sausage.

So what are you saying?

He's made himself perfectly clear.

It's OK, Dad, we could just buy a new one.

I don't need to buy one.

I've got one.

Maybe he should buy one.

Well said, Jimmy. Thank you, Diana.

You won't get away with this. What you gonna do about it?

I'll tell you what I'm gonna do. Oh, yeah, what?

I'll tell you what.

Go on, then. I will.

Go on. Oh, for goodness' sake.

As long as you keep my table, my son's not going anywhere near your daughter. Cor, fine by me. Good.

What? Don't we get a say in this? No!

Come on, Robbie. Come on, Molly.

Dad, we live here. Stay there, Molly.

I hate you.

Priorities, young lady.

OK, let's play.

At first I found this new environment disorientating and

unfamiliar, but I'm not ashamed to admit that it's grown on me.

Well, it's nice to walk into a pub and be greeted by a smiling landlord...

and a barmaid that doesn't spit in your drink.

Yep, this is working out nicely.

Cheers, Kev. Cheers, boss.

Not interrupting cocktail hour, am I?

Ever considered a career as an assassin, Bobby?

Look, I've come to tell you that I'm willing to forgive you both for your betrayal.

Hurt though I was, I'm willing to let you come back to the pub.

Ah... Yeah...

What? Erm, the thing is, Bobby we kind of... sort of...

like it here. I'm sorry, I don't understand.

The landlord... Greg.

He just sort of... lights up the room with his cheerful, carefree attitude.

I see.

Fine.

I know when I'm beaten.

Actually, he seemed to take that pretty well.

You have stabbed me in the heart,

both of you, stabbed in the heart.

Look at me, bleeding, dying, because of you.

Yeah, he did take it pretty well.

I started to panic that Parker had broken in and stolen the table while I was at work. Oh, please.

He doesn't have the cherries. Oh, yeah?

You'd better read this.

This was pushed through our letterbox this morning.

"Give me my ping-pong table back or you'll never see your underwear again."

Don't worry, Jimmy, he's bluffing.

What's this horrible grey thing?

Good God.

That's the Y from my Tuesday Y-fronts. The monster.

You're not serious about stopping Molly from seeing Robbie, are you?

I thought you were on my side.

She's really very upset.

I thought we both felt the same way, Diana.

I thought we both felt that this table was worth fighting for.

Yes, but can't we find a way to keep the children out of it?

Oh, come on Diana you know that would never work.

Everyone has to pick a side, and yes, sometimes innocent people get hurt.

But we're at war, that's just the way it is.

So you're willing to make Molly unhappy so that we can continue to play ping-pong?

Ask yourself this, Diana.

What would Napoleon do?

End up alone on an island because he's alienated his entire family.

Exactly.

Perhaps running out of pants will change your mind about the Parkers.

How do you know I haven't run out already?

How vile.

War is hell, Diana.

It's also strangely liberating.

KNOCK ON DOOR

Go away!

I'll thank you not to tar me with the same brush as your father.

You're as obsessed with that stupid table as he is.

It doesn't mean I agree it should come between you and Robbie.

Really? I was your age once too,

you know.

Yeah, well, a lot has happened since then - the railways, electric lights, cash machines.

Well, I'll give you cash machines, but at least we had a sense of romance.

I used to dream of being in your position. You dreamt your dad would take a ping-pong table

out of a skip that belonged to your boyfriend's father and then ban you from seeing each other?

Absolutely!

Well, without the skip nonsense.

But I never had a chance to rebel, my father liked all my boyfriends.

I would have loved to have the experience of forbidden

romance like you and Robbie.

Really? Of course.

Do you think any father ever approved of James Dean?

Who?

OK, do you think any father ever approved of Mark Bolan?

Who?

The point is, before, you were just two sweaty teenagers holding hands

but now fate has conspired to tear you apart.

It's not fate, it's Dad, and Robbie's grounded.

His dad calls me Demon Seed.

Oh, please, I think we can find a way round two middle-aged men

without a brain cell between them.

Oh, girl talk? Who invited you in?

Fine. I was gonna give you a message from Robbie, but I know when I'm not wanted. Don't you move.

Tell me what he said, please, Alex. What's it worth?

Your life! Now tell her.

Two words, Gran - anger management.

Just a suggestion. Robbie said, and I quote, "Remind Molly her

maths homework's due in tomorrow."

Oh, what an unromantic sap.

Er, Gran, how do you know that's not a secret lovers' code? Is it?

No, my maths homework is due in tomorrow.

All right, so Robbie's no James Bolan, but he's still my boyfriend.

Robbie should learn that a little romance goes a long way.

You're star-crossed lovers, for crying out loud.

Am I the only one who's read Romeo and Juliet around here?

Actually we're just studying it at school.

You should probably be prepared for this to end pretty badly.

My dad says if I see Molly he'll take away my Xbox 360.

Oh, Robbie, for heaven's sake, do try and grow a pair.

Throw a pebble at Molly's window.

Why? To alert her to your presence.

Can't I just send her a text?

Did Casanova send women texts?

He didn't.

Just throw a pebble and wait for her to open the window.

What light through yonder window breaks.

What?

It is the east and Juliet is the sun.

Molly!

Hello.

Alex! Get out of there.

Don't be disheartened, Robbie.

Try the other window.

Hello.

We really need to stop meeting like this. Out the way, idiot.

Molly! Hi, Robbie.

Ah. Gran? Robbie!

Dad? Hide! Where?

Morning workout done.

Pretty soon you'll be ready to challenge Gran to a match.

Huh! I'm ready now.

And forget your Gran,

if I keep on training like this,

I'm on course for 2012.

I cannot wait for 2012.

Yeah, big year.

Finally, the works of James Joyce will be in the public domain.

At last.

Morning! Is the table all right?

Yeah, like I'd let it out of my sight for a second.

Is it OK if I have a game?

Er...

..yeah.

Of course. Anyone can use the table if they want.

Or I could just sit here and stare at a wall. Well, if you're sure.

Probably for the best.

Listen, Diana, I was thinking about what you said yesterday.

I've decided to go and see Parker, see if we can't sort this out.

That's wonderful, Jimmy. You won't give him the table, will you?

No, of course not. That's wonderful, Jimmy.

I'm just gonna go over there and deal with things like a grown man.

I think I should go with you, Dad, as a mediator.

In these tricky situations you need a neutral party to defuse things.

Think of me as your own personal Kofi Annan.

Is this about your Spider-Man pants?

Frankly, yes, it is.

Let's just say Doctor Octopus is on the rampage.

What the hell...?!

Do you know what that madman's done?

He's taken all my shrubs. What?

Parker. He's dug up all the shrubs in the front garden and he's taped up the letterbox.

The peace process has been dealt a mighty blow.

Well, there's no going back now. If he wants a guerrilla war I

will give him a guerrilla war.

I'll make Vietnam look like a daytrip to Legoland.

KNOCK ON DOOR

So, excited about seeing Robbie at school?

Well, I see him at school every day. It's not really a big deal.

Snatched moments together are not a big deal?

Bucking the authority of a tyrannical

father to sneak a kiss with your one true love is not a big deal?

Erm, not really.

Where do you think you'll see him?

Mm, probably in the canteen at break.

No, no, no, that's no good.

What about

underneath a cherry blossom tree at sunset?

I don't really wanna hang around till sunset,

plus the only cherry blossom tree is in the park and have you been

there at night?

It's romantic.

Sorry, but my idea of romance doesn't involve used syringes

and ripped-up porno mags.

It's not about the park, it's about making a gesture.

When I was a girl there was this

young man called Henry... The eighth?

He'd hang around outside my house for hours on end sometimes.

Did you call the police? Of course not!

He only wanted to catch a glimpse of me through the window.

Mmm, bet he did!

It was an innocent time, Molly.

Hmm, innocent and boring.

Once again, fate looks kindly on its humble servant.

Ha-ha!

Is that the Parkers' welcome mat? Yeah, let's see him wipe his feet now.

Maybe a small victory for you, Dad, but it's a major

setback for the peace process.

At some point one of you needs to be the bigger man.

Oh, don't you worry about that, Alex. It'll never be me.

Oh!

This is diet.

Molly, dear, I've brought you a hot choc...

What on earth's going on here?

Robbie's climbing in through the window. I'm being romantic like you told me to, Mrs Neil.

I meant romantic in a walks by the river sort of way, not an emergency

visit to the clinic sort of way.

Gran, this is all your fault.

We were going off each other and you kept on about being romantic and now we're quite into it.

So close the door on your way out, please?

Whatever are you doing listening to me?

They didn't even have cash machines when I was young. ..Out, Robbie.

You've let me down, young lady, you don't have a romantic bone in your body.

We're just bucking the authority of our tyrannical fathers.

I know the kind of bucking you've got in mind.

Out, Robbie!

CRASH!

I'm fine!

Coke, please, Bobby.

Pint, please, Bobby.

Sorry, I don't serve traitors.

Come on, Bobby, we missed you. Forget it.

But we're your mates, your trusted companions.

And I'm getting really thirsty.

So what happened? Don't know what you mean.

You don't think I'm falling for the "we missed you" line?

Nothing happened.

The appeal of that other pub just dwindled and we realised our hearts belong to the Leek and Shepherd.

Plus we got barred.

Oh?

Kev put his feet on the pool table.

Is that all?

While he was bonking the barmaid.

Ah.

Who happened to be the landlord's wife.

Welcome back, boys.

Hi, kids, I'm home!

Dad, er...

we've got a bit of a situation in there.

You!

You!

Fine, now the introductions are out of the way.

As the mediator in the room, I think it's important that we lay down a road map to peace.

Where's my welcome mat? You give me my shrubs back or you'll never see your welcome mat again.

Don't threaten me, you started this, you're the thief.

Look, the law of the skip... There is no law of the skip!

Anarchist! Shut up. No-one cares about the stupid skip.

This isn't about the skip any more, this is something much more important. Peace.

Ping-pong.

No-one cares about the stupid ping-pong table either. I care.

So do I.

OK, so two people care about the ping-pong table.

Step away from that table, sir. Make that three people.

Mr Parker was just leaving. Not without my table.

The only thing you'll get is a boot up your... Stick to the road map!

I warn you, Mr Parker, if you make a move for the table,

so help me I'll inflate you.

OK, you lot keep fighting and me and Robbie will go out.

I don't think so. Watch your wallet, Robbie. We're in a den of thieves.

Oh, come on, Dad, I've got tickets for the Fulham match.

Yeah, we'll miss kick-off.

Kick-off? What? I like football.

You're not going anywhere with that filthy girl. Common as muck she is.

I resent that. She's only common as muck on her father's side.

Yes.

Dad, do something.

I'm sorry, Molly. This is hard for

you, but you are part of this family

and this family does not associate with that family.

You've all totally lost the plot.

OK, how about this?

We settle this, once and for all, like men. What do you have in mind?

The only thing that makes any sense.

A chariot race!

No.

A winner-takes-all, no-holds-barred

ping-pong match.

We can have it tonight,

unless of course you don't have the cherries.

Oh, I've got the cherries You got the cherries?

He's got the cherries. Make no mistake about that.

I've got a whole bowlful of cherries, my friend.

Why's everyone talking about cherries?

You can do this, Jimmy.

Just hit him hard in the first game and he won't get up again.

Just ping-pong the living daylights out of that horrible little man.

Can I just say I think you're being really childish.

I know you are, but what am I?

Nice one, Jimmy.

Over there, Robbie, please.

You're going down, Venables.

Oh, yeah? Well, you're going...

even downer, Parker.

Stand by, gentlemen. You ready?

I'm ready if you're ready. Oh, I was born ready. So was I.

No-one was born readier than me.

Except me, who was born even readier.

I was conceived ready. Can we just get on with this, please?

And... ping that pong!

The ping-pong tournament of the century which could put an end to this family feud once and for all.

Agh!

Match point.

Go on, Jimmy do it.

Do it, do it, Jimmy!

Yes! Who was born readier now, Mr rubbish-at-ping-pong Parker?

I believe that bat is mine. Nice one, Dad. Come on, Robbie.

Excuse me? Where do you two think you're going?

Dad won, the feud's over and if we hurry we can catch the second half.

Second half?

All right, you win, I don't like football, I find it tedious.

I'm just trying to impress a boy, OK?

Love means never showing your true personality.

That's so romantic.

I'm sorry, Robbie, I don't want you having anything to

do with this family. Dad!

Well, hold on. I thought this was just about the ping-pong table.

It was. Come on, Robbie.

All right, listen, we'll play one more point and if you win

you get the table. But you agree

to let the kids see each other.

Sounds fair to me. Jimmy!

It's all right, Diana, I've got everything under control.

Yes, result!

DOORBELL

Ho! Come home to Daddy.

Er, hi... I think there's been a bit of a misunderstanding.

Well, what sort of misunderstanding?

That's my ping-pong table.

No, it's not. I just won it fair and square. It was in my skip.

Your skip?! You lying sod.

OK, it wasn't my skip. It was my ping-pong table. The law of the skip...

There is no law of the skip!

There is so a law of the skip. It's one of life's unwritten rules.

Told you. Where does it say it's one of life's unwritten rules?

Nowhere! It's unwritten, you dummy.

The house seems so quiet without the table here.

You lost on purpose didn't you?

Well, what's the rights or wrongs of skip law compared to your daughter's happiness, eh?

You idiot, Jimmy.

What are we supposed to do now, talk to each other?

You always have to imagine the worst, don't you?

Bye.

Oh, Robbie. Yes, Mrs Neil?

Could you ask your mother for our pants back, please?

Even I'm having to go commando now.

# After you've gone and left me crying

# After you've gone there's no denying

# Some day when you grow lonely

# Your heart will break like mine and you'll want me only

# After you've gone

# After you've gone awa-a-ay. #

Subtitling by Red Bee Media Ltd

E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk