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1
00:00:02,520 --> 00:00:06,440
# After you've gone
and left me crying
2
00:00:06,440 --> 00:00:10,560
# After you've gone
There's no denying
3
00:00:10,560 --> 00:00:14,840
# Some day when you grow lonely
4
00:00:14,840 --> 00:00:19,160
# Your heart will break like
mine and you'll want me only
5
00:00:19,160 --> 00:00:21,400
# After you've gone
6
00:00:21,400 --> 00:00:23,800
# After you've gone away. #
7
00:00:24,920 --> 00:00:26,720
Bye, Gran, we're off.
8
00:00:26,720 --> 00:00:29,120
Jimmy Venables, you work-shy oaf!
9
00:00:29,120 --> 00:00:32,160
You see, this is why we're
going over to your house.
10
00:00:32,160 --> 00:00:35,040
Cack-handed, cream-faced loon.
11
00:00:35,040 --> 00:00:38,400
No, we'll probably still be able
to hear her from over there. Here.
12
00:00:38,400 --> 00:00:43,360
What's that? It's installation art
13
00:00:38,400 --> 00:00:43,360
entitled Your Father's Uselessness.
14
00:00:43,360 --> 00:00:46,960
Which looks exactly like a
basket full of wet knickers.
15
00:00:46,960 --> 00:00:51,120
The washing machine broke in
the middle of a cycle. I told
16
00:00:46,960 --> 00:00:51,120
your father to fix it weeks ago.
17
00:00:51,120 --> 00:00:53,280
You know Dad's philosophy.
If it's not broke, don't fix it.
18
00:00:53,280 --> 00:00:54,800
And if it is broke, don't fix it.
19
00:00:56,880 --> 00:00:59,720
Robbie, could you ask your
mother if she'd do a wash for us?
20
00:00:59,720 --> 00:01:03,920
Gran, you can't ask that! You live
across the street. You don't mind?
21
00:01:03,920 --> 00:01:07,760
No problem. Now, I realise it's all
the fashion to wash at 30 degrees
22
00:01:07,760 --> 00:01:13,080
these days, but some of these pants
do belong to Jimmy, so I think it's
23
00:01:07,760 --> 00:01:13,080
probably best if she boil washes.
24
00:01:14,720 --> 00:01:16,440
Don't you care about the planet?
25
00:01:16,440 --> 00:01:20,680
Polar bears are vicious creatures
and we'll be better off without them.
26
00:01:20,680 --> 00:01:24,680
And tell your mum to be extra
careful with my Spider-Man pants.
27
00:01:24,680 --> 00:01:27,680
We'd better go, the
28
00:01:24,680 --> 00:01:27,680
Chelsea match is about to start.
29
00:01:27,680 --> 00:01:29,600
The Chelsea match?!
30
00:01:29,600 --> 00:01:31,840
What? I like football. Since when?
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00:01:31,840 --> 00:01:34,560
Since the 31st of shut your gob.
32
00:01:34,560 --> 00:01:37,040
Chop-chop, Robbie. Yes, Mrs Neil.
33
00:01:37,040 --> 00:01:39,440
Mind your backs!
We are coming through.
34
00:01:44,720 --> 00:01:48,720
Ta-da! And if I might add, ta-da!
35
00:01:51,320 --> 00:01:53,280
It's a ping-pong table.
36
00:01:53,280 --> 00:01:55,120
Not just any ping-pong table.
37
00:01:55,120 --> 00:01:57,000
Sting's ping-pong table.
38
00:01:58,720 --> 00:02:02,240
No, it is a free ping-pong table.
39
00:02:02,240 --> 00:02:04,120
Whatever. Come on, Robbie.
40
00:02:04,120 --> 00:02:06,760
Jimmy, is this thing stolen?
41
00:02:06,760 --> 00:02:08,720
Of course not, what
makes you think that?
42
00:02:08,720 --> 00:02:10,920
No reason.
43
00:02:10,920 --> 00:02:16,400
Diana, we found it in a
skip across the road. A skip?
44
00:02:16,400 --> 00:02:19,680
What? Skips are a prime
source of quality goods.
45
00:02:19,680 --> 00:02:21,760
For a Womble, perhaps.
46
00:02:21,760 --> 00:02:27,720
Well, Jimmy got the ping-pong table,
and I got a medical dictionary and...
47
00:02:27,720 --> 00:02:29,240
a monocle.
48
00:02:29,240 --> 00:02:34,320
Now I can diagnose my own ailments
and see out of one eye, hmm?
49
00:02:35,840 --> 00:02:38,680
Take that thing out of here right
now. What's Kev ever done to you?
50
00:02:38,680 --> 00:02:41,680
Not him, that grubby table.
51
00:02:41,680 --> 00:02:43,360
Grubby, the cheek.
52
00:02:43,360 --> 00:02:45,760
Only tramps take things
out of skips and keep them.
53
00:02:45,760 --> 00:02:48,240
Well, what about that old
second-hand tat in your house?
54
00:02:48,240 --> 00:02:52,200
They're called antiques, Jimmy.
OK, posh tat.
55
00:02:52,200 --> 00:02:54,240
Take it out now! No.
56
00:02:54,240 --> 00:02:56,080
Jimmy!
57
00:02:56,080 --> 00:02:59,240
Hands off my table! This table
58
00:02:56,080 --> 00:02:59,240
is not staying a minute longer.
59
00:02:59,240 --> 00:03:01,920
This table is staying here a
lot longer than you are, Diana.
60
00:03:01,920 --> 00:03:04,040
Is it always like this?
61
00:03:04,040 --> 00:03:05,760
Yeah, pretty much.
62
00:03:05,760 --> 00:03:07,600
I'd better get off then, boss.
63
00:03:07,600 --> 00:03:11,440
I've got a rash on my foot,
I wanna diagnose it before tea time.
64
00:03:13,440 --> 00:03:16,280
Good luck with that.
Oh, I don't need luck.
65
00:03:18,360 --> 00:03:21,600
Surely you can see that bringing in
bits of rubbish you find in a skip
66
00:03:21,600 --> 00:03:23,360
is not a good example
to set the children.
67
00:03:23,360 --> 00:03:28,200
Oh, oh, OK. Well, then I guess
you won't be wanting these.
68
00:03:29,960 --> 00:03:33,440
Thought these would go rather well
with the rest of your posh tat.
69
00:03:33,440 --> 00:03:36,000
Ooh, they are rather gorgeous.
70
00:03:36,000 --> 00:03:37,760
I suppose the table can stay.
71
00:03:37,760 --> 00:03:42,200
Good. Now, can I interest you
in a lovely shower curtain?
72
00:03:48,640 --> 00:03:50,280
So, this is nice.
73
00:03:50,280 --> 00:03:52,040
Change is as good as a holiday.
74
00:03:54,120 --> 00:03:58,160
Who'd have thought there'd be
other pubs in Greater London, eh?
75
00:03:58,160 --> 00:04:02,720
We should do this more often. We're
builders, Kev, we are free spirits.
76
00:04:02,720 --> 00:04:05,600
We should be out there in the
world enjoying new experiences.
77
00:04:05,600 --> 00:04:09,600
Not drinking in a pub where
your ex-girlfriend works. Exactly!
78
00:04:09,600 --> 00:04:11,680
So what we gonna tell Bobby?
79
00:04:11,680 --> 00:04:15,160
Kev, Bobby runs a pub,
he's used to customers coming
80
00:04:15,160 --> 00:04:18,800
and going every day, he probably
81
00:04:15,160 --> 00:04:18,800
doesn't even notice we've gone.
82
00:04:18,800 --> 00:04:23,800
Or we just never go in
there again, and if we see
him in the street, we run.
83
00:04:23,800 --> 00:04:26,160
Come on, boss, Bobby's our mate.
84
00:04:26,160 --> 00:04:29,880
He's one of us. He's our companion
who we care about and cherish.
85
00:04:29,880 --> 00:04:33,720
I'll buy the next round if you
forget he ever existed. Done.
86
00:04:33,720 --> 00:04:34,800
There you are!
87
00:04:34,800 --> 00:04:36,080
Good Lord.
88
00:04:38,160 --> 00:04:40,920
Bobby! What brings you
to this neck of the woods?
89
00:04:40,920 --> 00:04:43,320
I've been looking everywhere
for you!
90
00:04:43,320 --> 00:04:46,520
When you didn't come to the
pub after work, I got worried.
91
00:04:46,520 --> 00:04:49,040
I started to panic something
might have happened to you.
92
00:04:49,040 --> 00:04:52,440
Well, we're fine, so...
93
00:04:52,440 --> 00:04:55,920
thanks for coming.
You could have been lying
in a gutter for all I knew.
94
00:04:55,920 --> 00:04:58,400
Tell him, boss.
95
00:04:58,400 --> 00:05:02,520
Bobby,
things are a bit awkward between me
and Siobhan at the moment.
96
00:05:02,520 --> 00:05:05,080
Awkward? She loves having you
around.
97
00:05:05,080 --> 00:05:09,320
I asked her for a Coke yesterday
and she gave me an empty
glass with a slice of lemon.
98
00:05:09,320 --> 00:05:11,400
An easy mistake to make.
99
00:05:11,400 --> 00:05:13,880
Then she spat in it.
100
00:05:13,880 --> 00:05:17,880
We think we should take a break from
the Leek and Shepherd for a while.
101
00:05:17,880 --> 00:05:19,520
Hope you'll understand.
102
00:05:19,520 --> 00:05:21,760
I most certainly will not.
103
00:05:21,760 --> 00:05:25,360
And before you ask,
your drinks are in the dog.
104
00:05:29,960 --> 00:05:32,760
TABLE TENNIS IS PLAYED >
105
00:05:35,440 --> 00:05:38,240
Oh, for goodness' sake!
106
00:05:40,040 --> 00:05:41,920
Will you stop that racket?
107
00:05:41,920 --> 00:05:43,720
It's not a racket. It's a bat.
108
00:05:43,720 --> 00:05:45,960
Oh, very droll.
Now, will you keep it down, please?
109
00:05:45,960 --> 00:05:49,080
I'm trying to work through there.
110
00:05:45,960 --> 00:05:49,080
Oh, come on Gran, you have a go.
111
00:05:49,080 --> 00:05:51,920
Yeah,
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00:05:49,080 --> 00:05:51,920
you might like it if you try it.
113
00:05:51,920 --> 00:05:54,160
Well, I suppose I
could have a quick go.
114
00:05:54,160 --> 00:05:56,880
How do you hold this thing?
115
00:05:56,880 --> 00:05:58,800
This is going to be fun.
116
00:06:02,040 --> 00:06:04,280
Ah, take that, young lady.
117
00:06:04,280 --> 00:06:06,480
You are going down, l tell you, down!
118
00:06:06,480 --> 00:06:11,240
I've already gone down,
119
00:06:06,480 --> 00:06:11,240
you've beaten me six times. You?
120
00:06:11,240 --> 00:06:12,640
I don't want to play.
121
00:06:12,640 --> 00:06:16,920
Nonsense, it's a wholesome activity
we can all enjoy. Pick up the bat.
122
00:06:16,920 --> 00:06:20,600
Don't ask her to go easy.
It only angers her more.
123
00:06:20,600 --> 00:06:22,920
I haven't had this much fun in years.
124
00:06:22,920 --> 00:06:26,680
Pick up the bat, Alex, we haven't
got all day. Actually, Gran...
125
00:06:26,680 --> 00:06:29,440
I said pick up the bat!
126
00:06:29,440 --> 00:06:31,520
See? Fun for all the family.
127
00:06:36,160 --> 00:06:37,840
This actually is quite fun.
128
00:06:38,400 --> 00:06:40,200
Argh!
129
00:06:41,720 --> 00:06:43,720
Well, well, well.
130
00:06:43,720 --> 00:06:47,080
It looks like someone's enjoying
the benefits of skip-raking.
131
00:06:47,080 --> 00:06:52,480
I must admit, Jimmy, this table
is the best thing that's happened
to this family since your divorce.
132
00:06:52,480 --> 00:06:55,600
Help us, Dad!
133
00:06:55,600 --> 00:06:58,120
You, er, fancy a game, Diana?
134
00:06:58,120 --> 00:07:00,680
If you think you're hard
enough, Venables, bring it on.
135
00:07:00,680 --> 00:07:02,280
Huh, you're on!
136
00:07:02,280 --> 00:07:04,880
I'm about to make you
wish you were never born.
137
00:07:04,880 --> 00:07:07,320
Finally we'll have
something in common.
138
00:07:07,320 --> 00:07:09,120
DOORBELL
139
00:07:09,120 --> 00:07:11,480
You are in for the
ass-whooping of your life.
140
00:07:11,480 --> 00:07:14,080
And you're about to get beaten
more thoroughly than Rasputin
141
00:07:14,080 --> 00:07:16,600
before they threw him in the
icy waters of the River Neva.
142
00:07:19,040 --> 00:07:23,560
Which is a lot. Er, Dad,
Robbie's dad wants to talk to you.
143
00:07:23,560 --> 00:07:25,120
Oh, Keith...
144
00:07:25,120 --> 00:07:26,840
Jimmy, hi.
145
00:07:26,840 --> 00:07:31,760
You know there's been a fancy new
car parked on your driveway for
146
00:07:26,840 --> 00:07:31,760
days. Got the plumbers in, have you?
147
00:07:33,680 --> 00:07:35,920
So anyway, Jimmy,
148
00:07:35,920 --> 00:07:41,440
I just came over cos Robbie pointed
out there might have been a teensy
tiny bit of a misunderstanding. Oh?
149
00:07:41,440 --> 00:07:44,520
Well, regarding this old thing.
150
00:07:44,520 --> 00:07:46,120
What kind of misunderstanding?
151
00:07:46,120 --> 00:07:49,080
The kind of misunderstanding where
the table really belongs to me. What?
152
00:07:49,080 --> 00:07:52,080
What? Well, you should probably just
153
00:07:49,080 --> 00:07:52,080
take this away
154
00:07:52,080 --> 00:07:54,560
and let us get along with
slobbing around doing nothing.
155
00:07:54,560 --> 00:07:57,760
Yeah, excuse me, I pulled this
out of a skip fair and square.
156
00:07:57,760 --> 00:07:59,640
Yes, my skip.
157
00:07:59,640 --> 00:08:03,360
If you love this table like we do
it wouldn't have been in the skip!
158
00:08:03,360 --> 00:08:05,080
Exactly. Thank you, Diana.
159
00:08:05,080 --> 00:08:07,360
You're so welcome, Jimmy.
160
00:08:07,360 --> 00:08:12,360
I had nothing to do with that. I
came home from work and it was gone.
It must have been my...
161
00:08:12,360 --> 00:08:14,440
my beautiful caring wife that did it.
162
00:08:15,960 --> 00:08:18,560
She's got this crazy idea that I'm
obsessed with the ping-pong table.
163
00:08:18,560 --> 00:08:23,400
Crazy idea. Can't imagine how
that would ever happen to a person.
164
00:08:23,400 --> 00:08:27,400
So, if I could just take the table
back, we'll forget all about it.
165
00:08:27,400 --> 00:08:30,040
Do something, Jimmy.
You can't take this table.
166
00:08:30,040 --> 00:08:31,720
It's my property.
I can do what I like with it.
167
00:08:31,720 --> 00:08:34,600
No. The law of the skip
clearly states that once
168
00:08:34,600 --> 00:08:40,280
an item enters a skip it ceases to
be your property and becomes the
property of whoever claims it first.
169
00:08:40,280 --> 00:08:43,240
There's no law of the skip.
Oh, there's a law of the skip.
170
00:08:43,240 --> 00:08:45,040
Everyone knows about
the law of the skip.
171
00:08:45,040 --> 00:08:49,080
It's one of life's great
unwritten rules, like
not asking what's in a sausage.
172
00:08:51,080 --> 00:08:55,520
So what are you saying?
173
00:08:51,080 --> 00:08:55,520
He's made himself perfectly clear.
174
00:08:55,520 --> 00:08:57,960
It's OK, Dad,
we could just buy a new one.
175
00:08:57,960 --> 00:08:59,720
I don't need to buy one.
176
00:08:59,720 --> 00:09:01,520
I've got one.
177
00:09:01,520 --> 00:09:03,320
Maybe he should buy one.
178
00:09:03,320 --> 00:09:06,160
Well said, Jimmy. Thank you, Diana.
179
00:09:06,160 --> 00:09:08,280
You won't get away with this.
What you gonna do about it?
180
00:09:08,280 --> 00:09:10,320
I'll tell you what I'm gonna do.
Oh, yeah, what?
181
00:09:10,320 --> 00:09:12,200
I'll tell you what.
182
00:09:10,320 --> 00:09:12,200
Go on, then. I will.
183
00:09:12,200 --> 00:09:14,680
Go on. Oh, for goodness' sake.
184
00:09:14,680 --> 00:09:18,720
As long as you keep my table, my
son's not going anywhere near your
daughter. Cor, fine by me. Good.
185
00:09:18,720 --> 00:09:22,160
What?
Don't we get a say in this? No!
186
00:09:22,160 --> 00:09:25,000
Come on, Robbie. Come on, Molly.
187
00:09:25,000 --> 00:09:28,640
Dad, we live here.
Stay there, Molly.
188
00:09:28,640 --> 00:09:30,360
I hate you.
189
00:09:30,360 --> 00:09:33,160
Priorities, young lady.
190
00:09:33,160 --> 00:09:34,880
OK, let's play.
191
00:09:43,640 --> 00:09:46,320
At first I found this
new environment disorientating and
192
00:09:46,320 --> 00:09:50,040
unfamiliar, but I'm not ashamed
to admit that it's grown on me.
193
00:09:50,040 --> 00:09:54,320
Well, it's nice to walk
into a pub and be greeted
by a smiling landlord...
194
00:09:54,320 --> 00:09:56,720
and a barmaid that
doesn't spit in your drink.
195
00:09:56,720 --> 00:10:00,000
Yep, this is working out nicely.
196
00:10:00,000 --> 00:10:02,600
Cheers, Kev. Cheers, boss.
197
00:10:02,600 --> 00:10:06,120
Not interrupting cocktail hour, am I?
198
00:10:06,120 --> 00:10:10,080
Ever considered a career
as an assassin, Bobby?
199
00:10:10,080 --> 00:10:14,640
Look, I've come to tell you
that I'm willing to forgive
you both for your betrayal.
200
00:10:14,640 --> 00:10:18,840
Hurt though I was, I'm willing
to let you come back to the pub.
201
00:10:18,840 --> 00:10:21,240
Ah... Yeah...
202
00:10:21,240 --> 00:10:26,000
What? Erm, the thing is,
Bobby we kind of... sort of...
203
00:10:26,000 --> 00:10:29,560
like it here.
I'm sorry, I don't understand.
204
00:10:29,560 --> 00:10:31,240
The landlord... Greg.
205
00:10:33,000 --> 00:10:37,960
He just sort of...
lights up the room with his
cheerful, carefree attitude.
206
00:10:37,960 --> 00:10:39,960
I see.
207
00:10:39,960 --> 00:10:41,640
Fine.
208
00:10:41,640 --> 00:10:44,080
I know when I'm beaten.
209
00:10:47,960 --> 00:10:50,720
Actually, he seemed to
take that pretty well.
210
00:10:50,720 --> 00:10:53,920
You have stabbed me in the heart,
211
00:10:53,920 --> 00:10:56,400
both of you, stabbed in the heart.
212
00:10:56,400 --> 00:11:01,160
Look at me, bleeding, dying,
because of you.
213
00:11:04,360 --> 00:11:06,520
Yeah, he did take it pretty well.
214
00:11:12,360 --> 00:11:16,040
I started to panic that Parker had
broken in and stolen the table
while I was at work. Oh, please.
215
00:11:16,040 --> 00:11:18,040
He doesn't have the cherries.
Oh, yeah?
216
00:11:18,040 --> 00:11:20,400
You'd better read this.
217
00:11:20,400 --> 00:11:23,080
This was pushed through
our letterbox this morning.
218
00:11:24,800 --> 00:11:28,840
"Give me my ping-pong table back
or you'll never see your
underwear again."
219
00:11:28,840 --> 00:11:32,280
Don't worry, Jimmy, he's bluffing.
220
00:11:32,280 --> 00:11:34,080
What's this horrible grey thing?
221
00:11:35,600 --> 00:11:37,640
Good God.
222
00:11:37,640 --> 00:11:41,360
That's the Y from my
Tuesday Y-fronts. The monster.
223
00:11:43,520 --> 00:11:47,160
You're not serious about stopping
Molly from seeing Robbie, are you?
224
00:11:47,160 --> 00:11:48,960
I thought you were on my side.
225
00:11:48,960 --> 00:11:51,120
She's really very upset.
226
00:11:51,120 --> 00:11:53,680
I thought we both felt
the same way, Diana.
227
00:11:53,680 --> 00:11:56,600
I thought we both felt that this
table was worth fighting for.
228
00:11:56,600 --> 00:12:00,080
Yes, but can't we find a way to
keep the children out of it?
229
00:12:00,080 --> 00:12:03,000
Oh, come on Diana you
know that would never work.
230
00:12:03,000 --> 00:12:07,840
Everyone has to pick a side,
and yes, sometimes
innocent people get hurt.
231
00:12:07,840 --> 00:12:09,360
But we're at war,
that's just the way it is.
232
00:12:09,360 --> 00:12:13,960
So you're willing to make
Molly unhappy so that we can
continue to play ping-pong?
233
00:12:15,520 --> 00:12:17,160
Ask yourself this, Diana.
234
00:12:17,160 --> 00:12:19,200
What would Napoleon do?
235
00:12:19,200 --> 00:12:22,480
End up alone on an island because
he's alienated his entire family.
236
00:12:22,480 --> 00:12:24,120
Exactly.
237
00:12:24,120 --> 00:12:27,800
Perhaps running out of pants will
change your mind about the Parkers.
238
00:12:27,800 --> 00:12:31,080
How do you know I
haven't run out already?
239
00:12:31,080 --> 00:12:32,960
How vile.
240
00:12:32,960 --> 00:12:35,480
War is hell, Diana.
241
00:12:35,480 --> 00:12:38,680
It's also strangely liberating.
242
00:12:43,400 --> 00:12:45,520
KNOCK ON DOOR
243
00:12:43,400 --> 00:12:45,520
Go away!
244
00:12:45,520 --> 00:12:49,440
I'll thank you not to tar me with
the same brush as your father.
245
00:12:49,440 --> 00:12:52,400
You're as obsessed with
that stupid table as he is.
246
00:12:52,400 --> 00:12:56,200
It doesn't mean I agree it
should come between you and Robbie.
247
00:12:56,200 --> 00:12:59,760
Really? I was your age once too,
248
00:12:56,200 --> 00:12:59,760
you know.
249
00:12:59,760 --> 00:13:04,440
Yeah, well, a lot has happened
since then - the railways,
electric lights, cash machines.
250
00:13:04,440 --> 00:13:08,840
Well, I'll give you cash machines,
but at least we had a
sense of romance.
251
00:13:08,840 --> 00:13:12,880
I used to dream of being in your
position. You dreamt your dad
would take a ping-pong table
252
00:13:12,880 --> 00:13:16,760
out of a skip that belonged to your
boyfriend's father and then ban
you from seeing each other?
253
00:13:16,760 --> 00:13:19,000
Absolutely!
254
00:13:19,000 --> 00:13:21,880
Well, without the skip nonsense.
255
00:13:21,880 --> 00:13:25,600
But I never had a chance to rebel,
my father liked all my boyfriends.
256
00:13:25,600 --> 00:13:30,080
I would have loved to have
the experience of forbidden
257
00:13:25,600 --> 00:13:30,080
romance like you and Robbie.
258
00:13:30,080 --> 00:13:32,800
Really? Of course.
259
00:13:32,800 --> 00:13:36,240
Do you think any father
ever approved of James Dean?
260
00:13:36,240 --> 00:13:38,560
Who?
261
00:13:38,560 --> 00:13:42,520
OK, do you think any father
ever approved of Mark Bolan?
262
00:13:42,520 --> 00:13:45,520
Who?
263
00:13:45,520 --> 00:13:49,720
The point is, before, you were just
two sweaty teenagers holding hands
264
00:13:49,720 --> 00:13:53,160
but now
fate has conspired to tear you apart.
265
00:13:53,160 --> 00:13:56,920
It's not fate, it's Dad,
and Robbie's grounded.
266
00:13:56,920 --> 00:14:00,160
His dad calls me Demon Seed.
267
00:14:00,160 --> 00:14:07,160
Oh, please, I think we can find
a way round two middle-aged men
268
00:14:00,160 --> 00:14:07,160
without a brain cell between them.
269
00:14:07,160 --> 00:14:10,040
Oh, girl talk? Who invited you in?
270
00:14:10,040 --> 00:14:15,480
Fine. I was gonna give you a message
from Robbie, but I know when
I'm not wanted. Don't you move.
271
00:14:15,480 --> 00:14:18,080
Tell me what he said, please, Alex.
What's it worth?
272
00:14:18,080 --> 00:14:19,800
Your life! Now tell her.
273
00:14:19,800 --> 00:14:22,920
Two words, Gran - anger management.
274
00:14:22,920 --> 00:14:28,920
Just a suggestion. Robbie said,
and I quote, "Remind Molly her
275
00:14:22,920 --> 00:14:28,920
maths homework's due in tomorrow."
276
00:14:28,920 --> 00:14:31,960
Oh, what an unromantic sap.
277
00:14:31,960 --> 00:14:36,400
Er, Gran, how do you know that's
not a secret lovers' code? Is it?
278
00:14:36,400 --> 00:14:39,440
No, my maths homework
is due in tomorrow.
279
00:14:39,440 --> 00:14:43,360
All right, so Robbie's no James
Bolan, but he's still my boyfriend.
280
00:14:43,360 --> 00:14:46,600
Robbie should learn that a
little romance goes a long way.
281
00:14:46,600 --> 00:14:49,240
You're star-crossed lovers,
for crying out loud.
282
00:14:50,760 --> 00:14:54,280
Am I the only one who's read
Romeo and Juliet around here?
283
00:14:54,280 --> 00:14:57,880
Actually
we're just studying it at school.
284
00:14:57,880 --> 00:15:02,200
You should probably be prepared
for this to end pretty badly.
285
00:15:09,520 --> 00:15:13,400
My dad says if I see Molly
he'll take away my Xbox 360.
286
00:15:13,400 --> 00:15:16,760
Oh, Robbie, for heaven's
sake, do try and grow a pair.
287
00:15:19,280 --> 00:15:21,400
Throw a pebble at Molly's window.
288
00:15:21,400 --> 00:15:24,600
Why? To alert her to your presence.
289
00:15:24,600 --> 00:15:26,280
Can't I just send her a text?
290
00:15:26,280 --> 00:15:29,840
Did Casanova send women texts?
291
00:15:29,840 --> 00:15:32,160
He didn't.
292
00:15:32,160 --> 00:15:34,480
Just throw a pebble and wait
for her to open the window.
293
00:15:39,600 --> 00:15:41,840
What light
through yonder window breaks.
294
00:15:43,560 --> 00:15:44,560
What?
295
00:15:44,560 --> 00:15:48,120
It is the east and Juliet is the sun.
296
00:15:48,120 --> 00:15:49,520
Molly!
297
00:15:49,520 --> 00:15:51,640
Hello.
298
00:15:51,640 --> 00:15:53,880
Alex! Get out of there.
299
00:15:59,240 --> 00:16:01,640
Don't be disheartened, Robbie.
300
00:16:01,640 --> 00:16:03,120
Try the other window.
301
00:16:10,200 --> 00:16:11,640
Hello.
302
00:16:11,640 --> 00:16:14,520
We really need to stop meeting
like this. Out the way, idiot.
303
00:16:14,520 --> 00:16:16,280
Molly! Hi, Robbie.
304
00:16:16,280 --> 00:16:18,480
Ah.
Gran? Robbie!
305
00:16:18,480 --> 00:16:20,880
Dad? Hide! Where?
306
00:16:30,160 --> 00:16:31,960
Morning workout done.
307
00:16:31,960 --> 00:16:34,440
Pretty soon you'll be ready
to challenge Gran to a match.
308
00:16:34,440 --> 00:16:35,960
Huh! I'm ready now.
309
00:16:35,960 --> 00:16:40,200
And forget your Gran,
310
00:16:35,960 --> 00:16:40,200
if I keep on training like this,
311
00:16:35,960 --> 00:16:40,200
I'm on course for 2012.
312
00:16:40,200 --> 00:16:42,840
I cannot wait for 2012.
313
00:16:42,840 --> 00:16:44,360
Yeah, big year.
314
00:16:44,360 --> 00:16:49,320
Finally, the works of James
Joyce will be in the public domain.
315
00:16:49,320 --> 00:16:51,280
At last.
316
00:16:51,280 --> 00:16:54,360
Morning! Is the table all right?
317
00:16:54,360 --> 00:16:56,920
Yeah, like I'd let it out
of my sight for a second.
318
00:16:56,920 --> 00:16:58,760
Is it OK if I have a game?
319
00:16:58,760 --> 00:17:00,480
Er...
320
00:17:01,520 --> 00:17:02,840
..yeah.
321
00:17:02,840 --> 00:17:06,800
Of course. Anyone can use
the table if they want.
322
00:17:06,800 --> 00:17:10,600
Or I could just sit here and stare
at a wall. Well, if you're sure.
323
00:17:10,600 --> 00:17:13,040
Probably for the best.
324
00:17:13,040 --> 00:17:15,560
Listen, Diana, I was thinking
about what you said yesterday.
325
00:17:15,560 --> 00:17:18,720
I've decided to go and see Parker,
see if we can't sort this out.
326
00:17:18,720 --> 00:17:21,840
That's wonderful, Jimmy. You
won't give him the table, will you?
327
00:17:21,840 --> 00:17:24,240
No, of course not.
That's wonderful, Jimmy.
328
00:17:24,240 --> 00:17:27,320
I'm just gonna go over there and
deal with things like a grown man.
329
00:17:27,320 --> 00:17:30,160
I think I should go with you, Dad,
as a mediator.
330
00:17:30,160 --> 00:17:33,520
In these tricky situations you need
a neutral party to defuse things.
331
00:17:33,520 --> 00:17:36,200
Think of me as your
own personal Kofi Annan.
332
00:17:38,120 --> 00:17:41,320
Is this about your Spider-Man pants?
333
00:17:38,120 --> 00:17:41,320
Frankly, yes, it is.
334
00:17:41,320 --> 00:17:45,640
Let's just say Doctor
Octopus is on the rampage.
335
00:17:47,520 --> 00:17:49,040
What the hell...?!
336
00:17:50,640 --> 00:17:52,360
Do you know what that madman's done?
337
00:17:52,360 --> 00:17:54,080
He's taken all my shrubs. What?
338
00:17:54,080 --> 00:17:58,440
Parker. He's dug up all the
shrubs in the front garden and
he's taped up the letterbox.
339
00:17:58,440 --> 00:18:01,440
The peace process has been dealt
a mighty blow.
340
00:18:01,440 --> 00:18:06,240
Well, there's no going back now.
If he wants a guerrilla war I
341
00:18:01,440 --> 00:18:06,240
will give him a guerrilla war.
342
00:18:06,240 --> 00:18:09,760
I'll make Vietnam look
like a daytrip to Legoland.
343
00:18:09,760 --> 00:18:12,200
KNOCK ON DOOR
344
00:18:12,200 --> 00:18:15,040
So, excited about
seeing Robbie at school?
345
00:18:15,040 --> 00:18:17,640
Well, I see him at school every day.
It's not really a big deal.
346
00:18:17,640 --> 00:18:20,440
Snatched moments
together are not a big deal?
347
00:18:20,440 --> 00:18:25,960
Bucking the authority of a tyrannical
348
00:18:20,440 --> 00:18:25,960
father to sneak a kiss with your
one true love is not a big deal?
349
00:18:25,960 --> 00:18:28,360
Erm, not really.
350
00:18:28,360 --> 00:18:30,440
Where do you think you'll see him?
351
00:18:30,440 --> 00:18:32,800
Mm, probably in the
canteen at break.
352
00:18:32,800 --> 00:18:34,600
No, no, no, that's no good.
353
00:18:34,600 --> 00:18:36,240
What about
354
00:18:36,240 --> 00:18:40,280
underneath a
cherry blossom tree at sunset?
355
00:18:40,280 --> 00:18:42,640
I don't really wanna
hang around till sunset,
356
00:18:42,640 --> 00:18:46,640
plus the only cherry blossom tree
is in the park and have you been
357
00:18:42,640 --> 00:18:46,640
there at night?
358
00:18:46,640 --> 00:18:48,360
It's romantic.
359
00:18:48,360 --> 00:18:53,440
Sorry, but my idea of romance
doesn't involve used syringes
360
00:18:48,360 --> 00:18:53,440
and ripped-up porno mags.
361
00:18:53,440 --> 00:18:56,600
It's not about the park,
it's about making a gesture.
362
00:18:56,600 --> 00:19:00,000
When I was a girl there was this
363
00:18:56,600 --> 00:19:00,000
young man called Henry... The eighth?
364
00:19:02,240 --> 00:19:05,960
He'd hang around outside my house for
hours on end sometimes.
365
00:19:05,960 --> 00:19:08,760
Did you call the police?
Of course not!
366
00:19:08,760 --> 00:19:10,960
He only wanted to catch a
glimpse of me through the window.
367
00:19:10,960 --> 00:19:12,640
Mmm, bet he did!
368
00:19:12,640 --> 00:19:15,360
It was an innocent time, Molly.
369
00:19:15,360 --> 00:19:17,360
Hmm, innocent and boring.
370
00:19:38,600 --> 00:19:42,080
Once again, fate looks
kindly on its humble servant.
371
00:19:42,080 --> 00:19:44,360
Ha-ha!
372
00:19:44,360 --> 00:19:48,160
Is that the Parkers' welcome mat?
Yeah, let's see him
wipe his feet now.
373
00:19:48,160 --> 00:19:51,960
Maybe a small victory for
you, Dad, but it's a major
374
00:19:48,160 --> 00:19:51,960
setback for the peace process.
375
00:19:51,960 --> 00:19:54,280
At some point one of you
needs to be the bigger man.
376
00:19:54,280 --> 00:19:57,520
Oh, don't you worry about
that, Alex. It'll never be me.
377
00:19:59,920 --> 00:20:01,440
Oh!
378
00:20:05,680 --> 00:20:07,840
This is diet.
379
00:20:13,480 --> 00:20:16,240
Molly, dear,
I've brought you a hot choc...
380
00:20:16,240 --> 00:20:17,800
What on earth's going on here?
381
00:20:17,800 --> 00:20:21,600
Robbie's climbing in through the
window. I'm being romantic
like you told me to, Mrs Neil.
382
00:20:21,600 --> 00:20:28,800
I meant romantic in a walks by the
river sort of way, not an emergency
383
00:20:21,600 --> 00:20:28,800
visit to the clinic sort of way.
384
00:20:28,800 --> 00:20:30,600
Gran, this is all your fault.
385
00:20:30,600 --> 00:20:35,920
We were going off each other and
you kept on about being romantic
and now we're quite into it.
386
00:20:35,920 --> 00:20:38,040
So close the door on your way out,
please?
387
00:20:38,040 --> 00:20:40,040
Whatever are you
doing listening to me?
388
00:20:40,040 --> 00:20:43,160
They didn't even have cash machines
when I was young. ..Out, Robbie.
389
00:20:43,160 --> 00:20:47,680
You've let me down, young lady,
you don't have a romantic
bone in your body.
390
00:20:47,680 --> 00:20:51,560
We're just bucking the authority
of our tyrannical fathers.
391
00:20:51,560 --> 00:20:54,200
I know the kind of
bucking you've got in mind.
392
00:20:54,200 --> 00:20:56,200
Out, Robbie!
393
00:20:57,680 --> 00:21:00,000
CRASH!
394
00:21:01,240 --> 00:21:02,480
I'm fine!
395
00:21:15,680 --> 00:21:17,800
Coke, please, Bobby.
396
00:21:17,800 --> 00:21:19,560
Pint, please, Bobby.
397
00:21:19,560 --> 00:21:22,840
Sorry, I don't serve traitors.
398
00:21:22,840 --> 00:21:25,960
Come on, Bobby, we missed you.
Forget it.
399
00:21:25,960 --> 00:21:29,560
But we're your mates,
your trusted companions.
400
00:21:29,560 --> 00:21:32,360
And I'm getting really thirsty.
401
00:21:34,440 --> 00:21:37,520
So what happened?
Don't know what you mean.
402
00:21:37,520 --> 00:21:39,960
You don't think I'm falling for the
"we missed you" line?
403
00:21:39,960 --> 00:21:42,040
Nothing happened.
404
00:21:42,040 --> 00:21:49,360
The appeal of that other pub just
dwindled and we realised our hearts
belong to the Leek and Shepherd.
405
00:21:49,360 --> 00:21:52,360
Plus we got barred.
406
00:21:52,360 --> 00:21:54,760
Oh?
407
00:21:54,760 --> 00:21:57,360
Kev put his feet on the pool table.
408
00:21:57,360 --> 00:22:01,080
Is that all?
409
00:21:57,360 --> 00:22:01,080
While he was bonking the barmaid.
410
00:22:04,160 --> 00:22:05,760
Ah.
411
00:22:05,760 --> 00:22:08,040
Who happened to be
the landlord's wife.
412
00:22:10,280 --> 00:22:13,640
Welcome back, boys.
413
00:22:13,640 --> 00:22:16,800
Hi, kids, I'm home!
414
00:22:16,800 --> 00:22:18,600
Dad, er...
415
00:22:18,600 --> 00:22:20,840
we've got a bit of a
situation in there.
416
00:22:23,920 --> 00:22:25,640
You!
417
00:22:25,640 --> 00:22:27,200
You!
418
00:22:27,200 --> 00:22:30,160
Fine, now the introductions
are out of the way.
419
00:22:30,160 --> 00:22:35,120
As the mediator in the room,
I think it's important that we
lay down a road map to peace.
420
00:22:35,120 --> 00:22:39,400
Where's my welcome mat?
You give me my shrubs back or you'll
never see your welcome mat again.
421
00:22:39,400 --> 00:22:41,560
Don't threaten me, you
started this, you're the thief.
422
00:22:41,560 --> 00:22:43,640
Look, the law of the skip...
There is no law of the skip!
423
00:22:43,640 --> 00:22:47,760
Anarchist! Shut up.
No-one cares about the stupid skip.
424
00:22:47,760 --> 00:22:51,680
This isn't about the skip any more,
this is something much
more important. Peace.
425
00:22:51,680 --> 00:22:54,000
Ping-pong.
426
00:22:54,000 --> 00:22:58,000
No-one cares about the stupid
ping-pong table either. I care.
427
00:22:58,000 --> 00:22:58,960
So do I.
428
00:22:58,960 --> 00:23:01,760
OK, so two people care
about the ping-pong table.
429
00:23:01,760 --> 00:23:05,440
Step away from that table, sir.
Make that three people.
430
00:23:05,440 --> 00:23:08,280
Mr Parker was just leaving.
Not without my table.
431
00:23:08,280 --> 00:23:10,920
The only thing you'll get is a boot
up your... Stick to the road map!
432
00:23:10,920 --> 00:23:14,920
I warn you, Mr Parker,
if you make a move for the table,
433
00:23:14,920 --> 00:23:17,080
so help me I'll inflate you.
434
00:23:18,680 --> 00:23:22,280
OK, you lot keep fighting
and me and Robbie will go out.
435
00:23:22,280 --> 00:23:25,240
I don't think so. Watch your wallet,
Robbie. We're in a den of thieves.
436
00:23:25,240 --> 00:23:27,280
Oh, come on, Dad, I've got
tickets for the Fulham match.
437
00:23:27,280 --> 00:23:28,880
Yeah, we'll miss kick-off.
438
00:23:28,880 --> 00:23:31,760
Kick-off? What? I like football.
439
00:23:31,760 --> 00:23:35,000
You're not going anywhere
with that filthy girl.
Common as muck she is.
440
00:23:35,000 --> 00:23:38,480
I resent that. She's only common as
muck on her father's side.
441
00:23:38,480 --> 00:23:40,000
Yes.
442
00:23:41,640 --> 00:23:43,360
Dad, do something.
443
00:23:43,360 --> 00:23:46,440
I'm sorry, Molly. This is hard for
444
00:23:43,360 --> 00:23:46,440
you, but you are part of this family
445
00:23:46,440 --> 00:23:49,520
and this family does
not associate with that family.
446
00:23:49,520 --> 00:23:51,360
You've all totally lost the plot.
447
00:23:51,360 --> 00:23:53,720
OK, how about this?
448
00:23:53,720 --> 00:23:58,680
We settle this, once and for all,
like men. What do you have in mind?
449
00:23:58,680 --> 00:24:00,520
The only thing that makes any sense.
450
00:24:00,520 --> 00:24:02,920
A chariot race!
451
00:24:05,000 --> 00:24:06,640
No.
452
00:24:06,640 --> 00:24:10,560
A winner-takes-all, no-holds-barred
453
00:24:10,560 --> 00:24:12,560
ping-pong match.
454
00:24:12,560 --> 00:24:14,600
We can have it tonight,
455
00:24:14,600 --> 00:24:17,400
unless of course
you don't have the cherries.
456
00:24:17,400 --> 00:24:20,320
Oh, I've got the cherries
You got the cherries?
457
00:24:20,320 --> 00:24:23,520
He's got the cherries.
Make no mistake about that.
458
00:24:23,520 --> 00:24:26,840
I've got a whole bowlful
of cherries, my friend.
459
00:24:26,840 --> 00:24:29,960
Why's everyone
talking about cherries?
460
00:24:34,440 --> 00:24:36,320
You can do this, Jimmy.
461
00:24:36,320 --> 00:24:38,920
Just hit him hard in the first
game and he won't get up again.
462
00:24:38,920 --> 00:24:42,600
Just ping-pong the living daylights
out of that horrible little man.
463
00:24:45,040 --> 00:24:47,520
Can I just say I think
you're being really childish.
464
00:24:47,520 --> 00:24:50,000
I know you are, but what am I?
465
00:24:50,000 --> 00:24:51,640
Nice one, Jimmy.
466
00:24:51,640 --> 00:24:55,040
Over there, Robbie, please.
467
00:24:55,040 --> 00:24:57,400
You're going down, Venables.
468
00:24:57,400 --> 00:24:59,000
Oh, yeah? Well, you're going...
469
00:24:59,000 --> 00:25:01,040
even downer, Parker.
470
00:25:01,040 --> 00:25:03,240
Stand by, gentlemen. You ready?
471
00:25:03,240 --> 00:25:06,400
I'm ready if you're ready.
Oh, I was born ready. So was I.
472
00:25:06,400 --> 00:25:10,360
No-one was born readier than me.
473
00:25:06,400 --> 00:25:10,360
Except me, who was born even readier.
474
00:25:10,360 --> 00:25:13,800
I was conceived ready. Can we
just get on with this, please?
475
00:25:13,800 --> 00:25:16,200
And... ping that pong!
476
00:25:18,880 --> 00:25:23,360
The ping-pong tournament of the
century which could put an end to
this family feud once and for all.
477
00:25:23,360 --> 00:25:24,640
Agh!
478
00:25:30,920 --> 00:25:32,000
Match point.
479
00:25:32,000 --> 00:25:33,680
Go on, Jimmy do it.
480
00:25:33,680 --> 00:25:35,480
Do it, do it, Jimmy!
481
00:25:41,400 --> 00:25:45,440
Yes! Who was born readier now,
Mr rubbish-at-ping-pong Parker?
482
00:25:45,440 --> 00:25:48,200
I believe that bat is mine.
Nice one, Dad. Come on, Robbie.
483
00:25:48,200 --> 00:25:49,960
Excuse me?
Where do you two think you're going?
484
00:25:49,960 --> 00:25:53,600
Dad won, the feud's over and if we
hurry we can catch the second half.
485
00:25:53,600 --> 00:25:55,760
Second half?
486
00:25:55,760 --> 00:25:58,880
All right, you win, I don't
like football, I find it tedious.
487
00:25:58,880 --> 00:26:00,960
I'm just trying to
impress a boy, OK?
488
00:26:00,960 --> 00:26:03,160
Love means never showing
your true personality.
489
00:26:03,160 --> 00:26:06,000
That's so romantic.
490
00:26:06,000 --> 00:26:10,080
I'm sorry, Robbie, I don't
want you having anything to
491
00:26:06,000 --> 00:26:10,080
do with this family. Dad!
492
00:26:10,080 --> 00:26:13,000
Well, hold on. I thought this was
just about the ping-pong table.
493
00:26:13,000 --> 00:26:15,120
It was. Come on, Robbie.
494
00:26:18,600 --> 00:26:23,120
All right, listen, we'll play
one more point and if you win
495
00:26:23,120 --> 00:26:26,120
you get the table. But you agree
496
00:26:23,120 --> 00:26:26,120
to let the kids see each other.
497
00:26:26,120 --> 00:26:28,600
Sounds fair to me. Jimmy!
498
00:26:28,600 --> 00:26:33,160
It's all right, Diana,
I've got everything under control.
499
00:26:38,720 --> 00:26:41,600
Yes, result!
500
00:26:38,720 --> 00:26:41,600
DOORBELL
501
00:26:41,600 --> 00:26:45,080
Ho! Come home to Daddy.
502
00:26:47,360 --> 00:26:50,920
Er, hi... I think there's been
a bit of a misunderstanding.
503
00:26:50,920 --> 00:26:52,680
Well, what sort of misunderstanding?
504
00:26:52,680 --> 00:26:54,360
That's my ping-pong table.
505
00:26:54,360 --> 00:26:57,760
No, it's not. I just won it fair
and square. It was in my skip.
506
00:26:57,760 --> 00:27:00,040
Your skip?! You lying sod.
507
00:27:00,040 --> 00:27:04,520
OK, it wasn't my skip.
It was my ping-pong table.
The law of the skip...
508
00:27:04,520 --> 00:27:05,720
There is no law of the skip!
509
00:27:05,720 --> 00:27:10,000
There is so a law of the skip.
It's one of life's unwritten rules.
510
00:27:10,000 --> 00:27:11,880
Told you. Where does it say it's
one of life's unwritten rules?
511
00:27:11,880 --> 00:27:14,600
Nowhere! It's unwritten, you dummy.
512
00:27:21,760 --> 00:27:25,400
The house seems so quiet
without the table here.
513
00:27:26,920 --> 00:27:29,240
You lost on purpose didn't you?
514
00:27:29,240 --> 00:27:33,640
Well, what's the rights or
wrongs of skip law compared to
your daughter's happiness, eh?
515
00:27:33,640 --> 00:27:36,200
You idiot, Jimmy.
516
00:27:36,200 --> 00:27:38,640
What are we supposed to
do now, talk to each other?
517
00:27:40,160 --> 00:27:42,560
You always have to imagine
the worst, don't you?
518
00:27:44,320 --> 00:27:46,080
Bye.
519
00:27:46,080 --> 00:27:48,040
Oh, Robbie. Yes, Mrs Neil?
520
00:27:48,040 --> 00:27:51,560
Could you ask your mother for our
pants back, please?
521
00:27:51,560 --> 00:27:53,920
Even I'm having
to go commando now.
522
00:27:57,960 --> 00:28:01,880
# After you've gone
and left me crying
523
00:28:01,880 --> 00:28:06,200
# After you've gone
there's no denying
524
00:28:06,200 --> 00:28:10,320
# Some day when you grow lonely
525
00:28:10,320 --> 00:28:14,280
# Your heart will break like
mine and you'll want me only
526
00:28:14,280 --> 00:28:16,640
# After you've gone
527
00:28:16,640 --> 00:28:22,360
# After you've gone awa-a-ay. #
528
00:28:22,360 --> 00:28:24,960
Subtitling by Red Bee Media Ltd
529
00:28:24,960 --> 00:28:27,560
E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk
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