Original subtitles

# After you've gone

# And left me crying

# After you've gone

# There's no denying

# Some day, when you grow lonely

# Your heart will break like mine and you'll want me only

# After you've gone

# After you've gone away. #

DOORBELL RINGS

Thanks.

Diana? Morning, Jimmy. What are you doing?

Working as a postwoman. Yeah, I can see that.

Well, then, that's what I'm doing. Wait a minute.

Are you interfering with the delivery of Her Majesty's mail? Diana!

Oi, postie, you dropped these!

Every day!

You should see her, Molly, we make such a great couple.

Everyone stares at us.

Her name's Chelsea.

Like the pensioners or the buns?

No, like the posh bit of London.

Guess who just delivered our post?

BOTH: Gran. No, Gran!

Oh, you know. Didn't anyone think to tell me?

It's not a big deal, not like she's transformed into a giant robot.

Wow, that would be amazing! Dad, feet.

OK, Molly, what are you trying to put off doing?

She's got to revise for a chemistry exam. Well, go on, then. Get on with it.

I can't! I've got all this sweeping to do. Molly, I do not approve.

But you've missed a bit under there.

A-ha! Ah, The Safe Workplace.

Ow!

Kev, I've just gotta show you what's in these... Kev?

Two seconds, boss, just doing some arm curls.

I thought you'd joined a gym. Yeah, but I can't go in all flabby.

Flabby?! Look at you.

There's flabbier pipe cleaners!

Are you wearing scent, boss?

Erm... Well, yeah, aftershave.

And what's with the formal overalls?

Going to the theatre after work?

No, I just like to make an effort, that's all.

Quantity Surveyor been in yet?

Oh, I see - lovely Lisa the Quantity Surveyor. Gonna ask her out, then?

Oh, I'd like to but I'm so rusty. I haven't asked a woman out in years.

Now's your chance. What, you think so?

No, who am I kidding?

She wouldn't look twice at me. She already has, more than twice.

I've seen her, boss. Go on, take the plunge.

Trust me, I'm a master plunger.

When I need to unblock a sink, you'll be the first person I call.

Now, listen, we've got goggles

and gloves in that one, extinguisher

and fire blanket in that one and the hard hats are in there.

Right you are. What's all that for, then? Safety.

Lisa says we have to comply.

I see. If Lisa said jump off a roof, would you?

Wearing the correct harness, yes.

Lisa, what brings you round? We have an appointment.

Oh, yes. Yes, yes, haven't forgotten.

Yeah, that is still wet, Kev, as I predicted.

You what? Got in all the safety equipment now?

Er, yes, we have. We've got goggles, gloves and hard hats. Fantastic!

Anything else we need to discuss?

Erm... Plunge!

Did he just say "plunge"?

Yeah. Well, the thing is, Lisa, it's...

erm... Well, basically...

Would you like to go out with me sometime? Yeah, sure. Why not?

Well, I can think of a thousand reasons... Bb-bb-bb!

..Why that would be great!

So I'll get back to you and we'll fix something up.

Yeah, you do that, Jimmy.

See? Easy, wasn't it? Wow!

That's never happened to me before.

I must be your lucky charm - your Jiminy Cricket, your albatross.

I'm so sorry, are you all right?

Yeah, fine. Are you sure?

Yeah, 'course. No worries, boss. I'm made of rubber me, Elastiboy!

Well, better late than never.

Ah, if it isn't Postman Pat!

Where's your black and white cat, eh?

HE WHISTLES "Postman Pat" THEME

Put a sock in it, Jimmy.

Are you planning to tell me what's going on?

All right, I've given up my teaching job - that's all there is to it.

I prefer the life of a postwoman.

Really?!

Well, it's outdoors, it's healthy and it's...outdoors.

Diana? I've outgrown that fusty old school after 30 years...

the best years of my life, that ungrateful pig of a headmaster.

Ah, you've been sacked!

Well, I prefer to say I've taken early voluntary redundancy.

Well, I prefer to say I'm Brad Pitt.

So what did you do wrong?

It seems I had another birthday.

Well, if you will keep doing that!

But I won't be defeated.

I've applied for other teaching work and in the meantime, I'm learning so much about the neighbours.

Number 65's had a summons, you know, and 43 get nothing but red bills,

and number 72's house may be on the market soon -

he's just had his results from the Well Man clinic and the envelope felt far too heavy for an all clear.

CLATTERING

She's got an exam.

I know. Molly, stop cleaning the oven

and get back to your studying.

Yeah, come on. Look, you've got a revision timetable, stick to it. All right!

Oh, look! I'm scheduled to start a break!

Hi! Everyone, I'd like you to meet my new girlfriend.

Hi!

Hello. Hi. Hello.

This is Chelsea.

Ah, like the flower show.

Yeah, like the football team.

I'll see you out. She's got to go to practice.

Basketball?

No, piano.

Bye, guys. Bye!

That has got to be one big piano!

Molly! That's not nice.

No. No, your Gran is right. But she is really tall. Jimmy!

I know. I wonder what she sees in him.

Top of his head?

Come on, you two. I know it's Alex, but he has got feelings.

Well, what do you think of my special lady?

Yeah, she's... She's...

Yeah!

How did you two get together?

In a cafe. Our eyes just met.

Your eyes met?!

I walked in, and she was just sitting there.

ALL: Aah!

What do you mean, "Aah?"

We mean, "Aah, how sweet, a cafe."

Yeah. You know, since I've been going out with Chelsea,

I've felt ten feet tall.

Mmm, you're wearing deodorant, Jimmy.

What's the occasion?

Well, if you must know, there's a new woman in my life.

Oh, wonderful!

You've finally got a social worker.

No, I'm dating Lisa from work.

Oh, so you're over Siobhan, then?

Siobhan who? Huh!

See, that's how over her I am.

Of course you are, Jimmy.

I wonder how she'll take the Lisa news.

Quite well, considering she dumped you.

You're not going to tell her, are you?

Oh, no, no, no. No, I wouldn't want to make her jealous.

But I think its only fair that I let you know. I mean, you're bound

to find out sooner or later.

I'm dating again.

SHOUT OF LAUGHTER

Meaning?

Meaning I'll believe it when I see it. It's true!

I'm going out with someone.

Oh, sure. All right, Jimmy.

Go on, admit it, she doesn't exist, you made her up!

I have not! Her name is Lisa.

Good a name as any for a fictional girlfriend.

No, because if I did have a fictional girlfriend, I'd call

her Honeydew Goodbody, not Lisa!

The very fact that she is called Lisa proves that she exists.

All right, OK, how many dates have you been on, then?

You're my ex-girlfriend, I don't have to tell you anything.

All right, boss? Why don't you ask Kev?

Well, I would, if I gave a tuppenny toss.

Kev, what's happened?

Workplace injury. Eh?

You dropped a box on my head, remember? Well, yeah, but you were fine.

I thought I was. That's the thing about concussion.

What my client is trying to say is that he has post traumatic stress disorder with whiplash.

Your client? Yeah.

That's right, boss, I'm suing you for my workplace injury. What?!

Yeah, Bobby's representing me.

He said I've got a good case and he's got two thirds of a law degree.

I failed the legal ethics paper.

Just the kind of lawyer I want.

Oh, come off it, Kev.

You're kidding around, right?

If only, Jimmy. It's nothing personal.

I don't know how you can do this! I thought we were friends.

And so did my client on that fateful morning.

Oh, shut up, Bobby!

Money-grabbing ambulance chaser.

Ah, so you admit there was an ambulance! I admit nothing.

Don't worry, Kev, we'll take the

uncaring monster to the cleaners.

We'll wring every last penny out of him, bleed him dry.

You negligent slipshod slave driver!

So, Jimmy, what can I get you?

Morning, Gran! Morning! Can I have some coffee? Of course.

Thank you.

Molly, you'll never sleep again!

Exactly, that's the plan.

I'm revising all night for the exam tomorrow so I'm starting early on the coffee,

fizzy drinks after lunch, then I'll give it a Red Bull kick about nine.

Or you could revise all day and then you wouldn't have to stay up all night.

Gran, maybe in your day the way to pass an exam was to give yourself

plenty of time, let it sink in

and get some sleep, but this is the 21st century, things have moved on.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going bowling.

Hi, Moll!

Oh, morning, postie.

Shouldn't you still be nosing through the neighbour's mail

and terrorising their poodles?

I've finished my round in record time, if you must know.

Here you are, one bank statement and three credit card bills. Oh, great(!)

Oh, that's all I need. Oh?

Kev is suing me for injuries sustained in the workplace.

All I did was drop a box on his head.

Is he hurt? No. Well, it's not like he's brain damaged.

He was like that when I found him.

I thought things were going too well. I've got that date with Lisa from work...

Did you drop a box on her head, too?

Why does no-one believe I can get a woman?

Siobhan doesn't even believe that Lisa exists. Does she exist? Yes!

Well, stop worrying about Siobhan.

Focus on Lisa, make her feel special.

Take her to that French place.

What, France?

No, the new bistro. Chez Jean Luc.

Hey, good idea, focus on Lisa.

That should really rub Siobhan's nose in it.

Hi, Jimmy. Oh, Lisa, hi.

Hold on a minute.

Take a seat.

Oh, that's what I like about you, Jimmy, you're really thoughtful.

Most guys on building sites are just wolf-whistling jerks.

Oh, well, I'd never whistle at you, well, unless you wanted me to...

You're certainly worth whistling at.

I'm gonna whistle at you now... look at that! You're funny.

That's a relief. Well, I can't stay, I was just passing and wanted to see if we're still on for that date.

Oh, yeah. Yeah, OK.

How about Friday?

I know a little French place.

Ooh la la! Sounds good.

I'll ring you later. OK. Brilliant.

Yeah, brilliant.

Bye!

Jimmy.

Kev, you're back.

I knew you'd see sense. Eh?

Come on, take off that stupid neck brace and let's get plastering.

I can't, boss, I'm injured - from a workplace injury. Oh, not that again.

I've just come to collect my wages.

You...?! I'm not paying you a penny.

Did you get that, Bobby?

Yep, every word.

Now show me where it happened.

What the hell is going on?

Scene of the crime reconstruction. There wasn't a crime!

We'll let the judge decide that.

It was here, in this innocent-looking room.

I had no idea of the terror that was about to unfold...

On that fateful day. On that fateful day.

I had my whole life ahead of me. I'd even joined a gym.

And then I went to work...

I'll put some music on that later.

Right, Kev, let's have some tears.

Just give me a moment.

Would you mind doing this somewhere else? Don't hit my client!

I didn't hit him! You will in the edit.

Oh, yeah? Well, edit this.

Hi, Molly. No time, I've left it really late to revise!

Why didn't anyone tell me?! We did!

Evening, Jimmy, how are you?

Knackered. I'm now doing the work of two men - well, one man and a snake.

Which one are you?

Job-hunting again? Yes.

Because I've been fired and you're about to be sued - one of us has got to earn some money.

You are earning, you're a postwoman.

Well, I was but I've decided to take early voluntary redundancy...again.

Don't say it, Jimmy.

You're a postwoman and you've been given the sack.

You've been returned to sender.

If you must know, I was too efficient.

I was making the other postal workers look lazy.

Well, I'm short staffed, what you like with a hod?

I'd rather eat my own foot.

Oh, yeah? I know what happens to people who work for you.

I told you, Kev is faking it.

Don't you worry, I've got a plan to outwit him.

That's not exactly mission impossible, Jimmy.

Hi. Hello. Oh, hi!

You off somewhere nice? Yes, the Minnesota Grill.

Oh, what's it like nowadays? Crowded, noisy, big portions.

Like the hat. Thanks.

What hat?

It's from Camden Market, would you like to try it on? Yeah, OK.

It suits you. Thanks.

Can I try it on?

I hear you play the piano.

Yes, grade five. Very impressive. Thank you.

Anyway, we'd better be off.

Look at the time.

Bye.

Bye. Well, don't be long...late!

No, no, no, that's fine, Lisa...

No, lunchtime's just as good for me. Lisa.

OK, yeah, well, I'll see you about 12...

Lisa. Bye.

I used to have an imaginary friend once.

I was three.

His name was Nigel Montevideo.

He was a giraffe.

Siobhan, I do not have an imaginary friend. Prove it.

I don't have to prove anything to you any more. Ooh, I know!

I'll call Nigel up on my invisible phone,

we could go on a double date!

Kev, nice to see you.

Is it? You all right? Fine. Oh, you're fine, are you?

Yeah, apart from my workplace injury.

Oh, yes, yes, yes, that must be a nightmare.

Look, Kev, a stripogram!

I'd love to look, Jimmy, but I can't, due to my workplace injury.

I feel like a game of pool.

Fancy one, Kev? Yes.

Oh, do you? Yes, I do fancy it, but

sadly, my pool playing days are over,

due to my workplace injury. See, watertight.

Are you by any chance trying to entrap my client?

Oh, says his bent lawyer!

Too right I am. I'll have you know he's suffering from stress.

So am I! I don't have time for this nonsense, Bobby!

You know Diana's lost her job?

Diana?

Oh, she won't be out of a job for long.

She could always get telephone work with a voice like that, liquid gold.

Diana in a call centre?!

I was thinking of something more... personal and intimate.

Those schoolmistressy tones,

so stern yet so comforting.

She's not that desperate.

No, but I am.

Yes, it's about the curtains I ordered.

You want me to describe them?

Well, they're white, lacy and transparent.

Well, semi-transparent really.

Well, virtually see-through, but not quite, with frills around the edges.

Well, they're high and sort of curve round.

I may need you to come and adjust them for me.

Jimmy! Diana, how could you?!

I know it's naughty of me...

Naughty, it's degrading! Have you no pride left?

What's pride got to do with it?

Are you really that desperate?

Yes, I am! I really want those curtains for my bedroom.

You were ordering curtains? Yes.

Not describing your underwear to strangers for money?

Jimmy, how dare you? Who do you think I am? I'll take that as a no, then.

Definitely.

How much do you think those women make?

Are you sure you don't want me to walk you home, for protection?

You're so sweet.

Give me a kiss, big boy.

What a woman.

So did you get any sleep at all?

None, but I revised brilliantly.

Come on, Alex, more questions! Go easy, will you?

I've got a crick in my neck. I can't think why.

Alex! OK, OK, OK.

The test for C02. Turns lime water milky.

The formula for ammonia. NH3.

The test for hydrogen. Squeaky pot with a glowing splint.

A cure for neck ache? That's biology. Good luck, Molly.

Oh, yeah, good luck. Bye bye.

Morning, Jimmy. I'm off, I've got some part time work at my old school.

What, are you teaching again?

Not exactly, more child guidance work.

Ooh, you look all dressed up. You in court already?

No, I'm taking Lisa to lunch.

Oh, at Chez Jean Luc. I'm glad you took my advice.

Er, actually, I'm taking her somewhere else, somewhere a little more relaxed and comfortable.

It's that pub, isn't it?

Oh, this is nice, but what happened to the little French place?

Er, closed - Gerard Depardieu's birthday.

Er, Siobhan...

Bar maid!

Huh, I was beginning to think the service in here was imaginary.

Siobhan, this is Lisa, Lisa, the barmaid. Hello. Hello.

I'll have a coke, please, and Lisa will have a... A gin and tonic.

Gin and tonic for Lisa.

Lisa's a quantity surveyor.

Quantity rather than quality, obviously.

Want to pinch her see if she's real? Ow!

Why don't I go and get us a table?

So who's the idiot now?

Still you.

Siobhan's your ex, isn't she?

Er, yes, she is, yes, that's extremely perceptive of you.

Well, it's a bit odd that you bought me to meet her on our first date.

Well, don't want any skeletons in the cupboard, do we?

Well, you seem to care a lot about what she thinks.

You're not over her, are you?

Of course I am. Oh, she doesn't mean anything to me, nothing at all.

I mean, it was over once she turned down my marriage proposal.

Oh, look at this, what a loser!

Oi, crutches! That's pathetic, couldn't you afford a wheelchair?

This will be funny.

Oi, Hopalong, want your wages?

Would you like your wages?

Here they are. Oops!

Oh, better pick them up.

I will, they're mine.

Whoops!

Those ones over there are really far away. Do you think you can get them?

Whoops a daisy! You can't get them now.

Lisa! Lisa, wait. Please let me explain.

Well, go on, this should be interesting.

Kev is faking a work injury to claim damages off me.

There's nothing the matter with him, I just can't prove it.

I thought you were different,

Jimmy, but you're just another jerk.

I'm not a jerk...

I'm a mess. Oh, that's much better(!)

All right, listen.

I'm on the rebound, I'm a recovering alcoholic, and I'm being sued by my best friend.

On the plus side, I do have a clean driving license.

How about giving me another chance?

Well, OK.

Why don't you give me a lift back to work?

It's a deal.

Pens down, no more writing, please.

Check your name is on the front of your paper.

You'll see, I'm an all right kind of guy.

Just gotta give it time.

Lots and lots of time.

Look at that! A-ha!

HE TOOTS HORN

HE REVS ENGINE

Jimmy, what are you doing?

HE REVS ENGINE

HE HOWLS WITH LAUGHTER

No, it's all right, she's my mother-in-law.

Stop the van, stop it now.

But Lisa... Just stop the van.

So, shall I call you tomorrow?

Bobby, do us a favour and stick this on your telly, would you?

Of course.

Poor Jimmy, he's had to sell his own telly

to pay for my horrible workplace injury.

Here we go.

Watch and enjoy, all of you.

Is that Jean Claude Van Damme?

Oh, Kev, you are so busted.

Oh, I'd say so, wouldn't you, Kev? Bobby?

Kev, I'm shocked. I can't talk at the moment.

Aah, I've got a crisp stuck up my nose.

I think I'm gonna have to sue you, Bobby.

I wouldn't normally, but it's salt and vinegar. Oh, it stings.

Well, you can find yourself another dodgy lawyer. I quit.

So, er, how's the new girlfriend?

What new girlfriend?

Must have imagined it.

Alex! Who said that?

I've got something that will do wonders for your love life.

Come here. Right, keep still.

Only one owner,

good as new.

Thanks, Dad, but me and Chelsea are history.

Why's that, obvious reasons? Yeah.

They always get too clingy, don't they?

Good evening.

Hi, Diana. Surprised to see me alive?

Yeah, sorry about that whole... trying to run you over thing.

You know what it's like on a first date.

Well, lucky for you I'm in a forgiving mood, and let's face it,

who hasn't tried to mow down a few lollipop ladies in their time?

Could you lot keep the noise down? I'm trying to catch up on my sleep.

Oh, Gran, did you talk to Mr Cliff about re-sitting my exam?

Yes, I turned on all my charms.

Good news... Yeah?

He gave me a job! As a supply teacher for the whole area - it's perfect!

My influence will be even more widespread.

I should have finished her off when I had the chance.

Yeah, but what about my exam?

They're letting you retake it tomorrow morning. Tomorrow?

Better get revising - I've learnt my lesson.

Whoa, look at the state of these floors.

So it looks like you'll be hanging up your lollipop, then?

No, they let me keep that. I thought it might come in useful.

What for?

Well, you know I said I was in a forgiving mood...

Yeah. I lied.

CLUNK

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk