Original subtitles

# After you've gone

# And left me crying

# After you've gone

# There's no denying

# Some day, when you grow lonely

# Your heart will break like mine

# And you'll want me only

# After you've gone

# After you've away. #

Morning, Jimmy. Lovely day, isn't it?

Mmm...

I'm making tea, would you like some?

Mmm...

Your hair is on fire. Maybe I should put it out with some lighter fluid.

Yeah.

You're not listening to a word I say.

Lovely day, no tea, hair not on fire.

See, I can listen and tune you out at the same time.

Hello, Alex. Oh, hi. You seem in an awful rush.

Huh? Not at all, what makes you say that? Bye!

What's in the bag?

What bag?

The bag in your hand.

Oh, look at that, there is a bag.

Glad we got that sorted, see ya!

I'm starting to have my suspicions about Alex.

You're STARTING to have suspicions?

Have you noticed he's been a bit quiet this half term?

Yeah, great, isn't it?

And very secretive - he's spending a lot of time in his room.

Diana, all teenage boys spend a lot of time in their room.

Quiet time, alone with, in my case, their poster of Diana Rigg.

Not Dame Diana?

She wasn't a dame back then.

And up here, she wasn't even a lady.

Please!

Oh, it's just a phase.

Face it, you don't know what he's doing up there because you're just

not engaged as a parent.

I am engaged, I'm very engaged!

Ooh, that's a cheap lawnmower!

For all you know, Alex could be up there shooting heroin.

Shooting something, but I don't think its heroin.

I see, Mr Father of the Year.

If you're so in tune with your children, maybe you spotted Molly's wearing a new ring.

Of course.

On her wedding finger.

Well, she didn't get married, I'd have noticed paying for it.

I haven't finished with that.

If you don't find out what Alex is getting up to, you never will.

You wouldn't.

All right I'm going, I'm going!

Just don't hurt the paper.

A little mood music.

MUSIC: "Lord Of The Rings Theme"

Ready for action.

Alex? I'm coming up the stairs to talk to you now.

Cool!

Alex, what are you doing in there?

If it's not drugs, you don't have to tell me.

If you must know, I'm playing with my Bilbo.

Please don't tell anyone!

Don't you worry about that.

All right, work your magic.

Mmm, chips and dips!

Hello, Molly, would you like some?

So, what do you want to talk about, then?

I don't know what you mean.

Salsa dip?

Gran, I know all your tricks.

Can't we just snack together?

It's about that ring.

Is that all? Some friends are in a celibacy group,

I thought it was a good idea I so joined, got this chastity ring.

Are you sure you're supposed to wear it on your finger?

It symbolises my commitment to remain pure until marriage.

It's lovely, really lovely.

By pure, you mean...

Yes. Yes. It's just I'm curious,

what makes you think it's right for you?

I want the first time to be special, someone wonderful, someone I love...

It's all in the pamphlet. How sweet.

Your mother waited for someone special, too...

Then she gave up and settled for your father. Hey ho!

So there I am in the paint section, wondering which green to get, right,

then the bloke walks in and now I'm thinking, "Does he have a false leg?"

Kev, do you mind? I'm trying to read the paper.

I'm just trying to tell you about my day.

It WAS false!

I just fancy a bit of peace and quiet, OK?

Just pretend I'm not here. OK.

Give me that back!

So what do you think of Siobhan's new man?

Oh, Jake? He's a handsome devil.

How do you think he gets his teeth so white?

Siobhan's seeing someone?!

Oh, you don't wanna hear about my day, but now you want to talk?

Yes. Well, OK. So there I am in the paint section, right,

and now I'm thinking, "Do I ask him about his leg first or do I..."

Kev, I meant about Siobhan's new bloke. Oh, right, Jake.

No, he's got both legs.

He and Siobhan make a nice couple.

Just cos she's hanging around with a bloke doesn't mean they're a couple.

It could be a friend. Yeah, you're right. I'm sure they're friends.

She wouldn't be snogging him like that if they were enemies!

Normally I don't go in for public displays of affection,

but somehow I don't mind with those two.

I don't believe this, we've only just broken up. She's a fast mover.

In her defence, Jake's a major hunk.

I'm telling you, boss, if I was a woman,

I'd be all over that like a rash on a baby.

Oh, yeah!

Thank you for helping me through this,

but I'm over Siobhan, I have moved on.

I'm in fifth gear and she is just a tiny speck in my rear-view mirror.

Actually, it'll be two specks, cos she'd be with Jake.

Either way, I am back on the market.

At a discount.

What?

Well, let's face it, you're damaged goods.

I'll show you damaged goods.

Hello. Hi.

What's wrong with your friend there?

How long have you got?

Can I buy you a drink?

Sure. White wine, please.

Bobby, a glass of your finest white wine, please.

And my boyfriend'll have a pint of bitter.

It might interest you to know what Molly's been reading.

"Everything You Need to Know About Love and Sex in 200 Words."

Ooh, that's handy.

That ring means your daughter has decided not to have sex before marriage. Great!

It's not great.

Molly's blossoming into a young woman and some uptight, conservative, quasi-religious fruit cakes

are telling her to put her feelings into a box.

And the problem is?

It's not just about sex, it's about values,

and she should be learning those things from me - well, and you -

not from a pamphlet.

Cor, I wish I'd had a pamphlet.

As her father, it's your job to talk her out of it.

Talk her out of not having sex? Yes.

OK, I will.

When she turns 30.

I suppose you're going to bury your head in the sand about drug abuse.

I found this in Alex's things.

I wonder if there's any crack left in here.

Diana, that's not a crack pipe, that's a...

I dunno what that is.

So all of a sudden you're an expert on crack pipes?

Alex isn't doing drugs, he's just...

playing with his Bilbo.

What does that even mean?!

It's slang.

I think, but the point is he's not doing drugs.

Gran, Dad, have we got any lemonade?

I am parched.

Need your fix?

Yeah, I'm addicted to the stuff.

PHONE RINGS

Did you get it? Don't toy with me, man, I'm desperate!

Brilliant. OK, I'll meet you at the corner in two hours.

Yeah, man, I've got the cash.

Don't let me down.

Ha-ha! Score!

I'm sure there's an explanation.

Yes. Your son, starved of paternal affection,

has found comfort in the cruel embrace of a crack pipe!

I meant another explanation.

Yes. Your son, neglected by his unfit father...

All right, I'm going!

I'm just knocking on your door now, Alex.

Uh, give me a minute.

I can come back.

No, it's all right, come in.

Oh. Ah!

Sorry, I was just, er...

Nothing, carry on.

No, come in.

I'm tired of hiding.

There's something I want you to see.

No, no. I really don't need to see it, ever.

Oh, my God!

Now you know my secret.

I'm not sure what I know.

I'm a Lord Of The Rings fan.

I collect the action figures, I have all the role playing games

and on occasion I like to dress up as Frodo.

So when you said you were playing with your Bilbo you meant

you were playing with your Bilbo!

What did you think I meant?

Exactly that, of course!

Alex, why are you being so secretive about this?

Why didn't you just come to us?

It's not as though you're taking drugs...

You're not, right?

No.

Unless you count being captivated by the glories of Middle Earth a drug.

I don't count that.

Look, Alex, whatever you're going through

you don't have to hide it from your family.

What made you think we wouldn't understand?

I dunno,

possibly the way I was treated during my Pirates of the Caribbean phase.

Oh, the Jack Sparrow thing, yeah.

We may have been a bit rough on you.

Arr, rougher than the Bay of Biscay.

How bad is it, Sid and Nancy bad?

You may want to sit down.

You're worrying me.

I'm going to tell you, but I want you to remember that it's important

that we be supportive of Alex.

He's very sensitive.

Oh, this is gonna be good!

Molly! Go on, Jimmy.

Alex is going through a...

Lord Of The Rings phase.

Oh, dear.

I told you it was gonna be good!

But at least he won't be singing any more sea shanties or borrowing my mascara.

I can't wait to mess with him. It's like a gift. Thank you!

No, listen, we mustn't tease him and we mustn't laugh at him. It's very important.

MOLLY COUGHS

I've got something stuck in my throat.

My, what a lovely cloak!

Thanks. It's 100% wool but it's surprisingly light.

I suppose Dad told you, then?

Told us what, dear? Oh, we think it's wonderful.

Yes, yes. Yes, we do...

don't we?

Yeah! In fact I'm gonna go get the camera and...

Sit down, Molly.

Well, I'm glad you're all taking it so well.

Of course. We love Lord Of The Rings.

Yes.

Oh, cool - you found my pipe.

Wait a sec, are those my tights?

Yeah. Give them back.

Fine, they're really riding up on me. Keep them!

I just scored two tickets to Lord Of The Rings, the Musical on Tuesday, Dad.

It would be cool if you could come with me, it would be a real Dad and lad day out.

Yeah, that'd be so cool, Dad!

If it was any day other than, erm...

Tuesday. Tuesday! Yeah, pity.

I'll go. Someone's got to take an interest in your son, Jimmy.

Enjoy the show.

After all, he's come this far without your guidance and he seems absolutely fine.

Do you know what? I'll go.

I'll just cancel whatever fake plans I had for Tuesday.

Oh, great. Thanks, Dad. If anyone needs me I'll be up in my shire.

You had no intention of going, did you?

Well, it's hardly relevant now. Good job I'm a father who is

supportive of his children.

Well, in that case, do you want to join my celibacy club?

I don't need a club for that.

You just missed Siobhan and Jake.

I couldn't care less about Siobhan and Jake.

Ah, you can still smell his Paco Rabanne.

It's a manly scent.

Sorry, did you two buy these flowers for Jake?

Oh, look out, it's the green-eyed monster.

Actually, Jake got them for Siobhan.

They really brighten up the place.

He's so romantic. Siobhan's never looked happier.

Everyone loves Jake.

Oh, yeah, he's the best.

Hey, look, the sun's come out!

I'm getting sick of Jake and I haven't even met him.

It's not a competition, Jimmy.

You couldn't compete anyway. Why? What's Siobhan told you?

Nothing. Why, what could she have told us?

Nothing.

It's just that Jake's more the romantic type.

I'll show you romantic.

A rose for the lady.

Ah, that's so sweet. How much is it?

Please, it's on the house.

Still, get yourself a bed for the night.

I know, I totally agree.

Pleasures of the flesh should only begin after marriage. Ha!

I'll call you back.

How long have you been standing there?

Quite some time, I'm stealthy like that.

Could you shut the door on your way out, please?

Listen, Molly, let's say you buy a car that you will own your entire life,

you get a nice reliable hatchback,

and then you find out it doesn't make you completely happy and you think,

"Maybe I should have gone for that snappy little convertible,"

but you don't know as you have nothing to compare it with.

If only you had taken a couple of test drives before purchasing.

I don't drive.

And I'm happy that you don't...

drive, but some day you will...

drive, and you'll want to know what you're doing when you get out onto the road,

or you'll take the wrong turn or go the wrong way and cause a terrible accident.

Are we still talking about cars?

Yes.

And sexual intercourse.

Gran!

I'm not saying rush out and have sex,

but don't feel you have to wait until marriage.

You waited for Gramps.

Yes, I did and, as you know, I loved your grandfather with all my heart.

Still, not a day went by when I didn't wonder about sleeping with someone else.

What?!

You see, when it came down to it, Patrick wasn't the best driver.

Gramps.

Although he was a careful and considerate motorist,

sometimes I found myself having to get out and push.

Gran, stop!

Fortunately, I was a young widow and still very sexually active...

La la la la la...

My precious.

Alex, I don't mind going with you but you have to promise not to call me that at the show.

Right. I suppose we'd better get ready.

I am ready. Er, no, you're not.

I've got a surprise for you!

Alex! You didn't have to do anything like...

What's this?

It's a costume!

No. No, there's no way I am wearing a costume.

But you have to. Everyone else will be dressed up.

It's like the Rocky Horror show, if we don't we'll look like idiots.

Well, I'm willing to take that chance.

I made that outfit specially for you.

I thought we were finally connecting,

you know, father and son, out on the town, Hobbit style.

I guess I was just fooling myself.

You're not the world's greatest dad,

although it's probably too late to cancel that mug I ordered for you.

All right, I'll wear it.

Oh, really? Thanks, Dad.

Oh, I lied about the mug but I will get you one if you got your hopes up.

Oh, that's OK.

Of course, it may not fit.

Oh, it will, I measured you in your sleep.

Jimmy?! Mmm?

Shouldn't you be on your way?

I don't know what to say.

There are so many options, I really don't want to blow this opportunity.

Alex made it for me,

and if this isn't being an engaged parent, I don't know what is.

Gandalf's the wise fatherly figure.

You should feel flattered.

I know, and yet somehow I just feel a prat.

Ah, Dad, you look amazing!

People are gonna think you're the real deal.

I forgot to give you your staff.

Oh, right. That really sets it off.

Yes, it does.

We'd better be going. It's a long, treacherous journey to the West End.

Diana, erm,

Kev's borrowed the van...

Yes?

I don't really wanna go on the bus looking like this,

so I was wondering if you could find it in your heart to lend me your car?

How cruel do you think I am?

Ooh, a shop!

Let's go on a quest for some munchies.

Why does everything have to be a quest with you?

It's more fun that way.

Well, I can't go into a shop dressed like this.

I'll go. Do you want anything?

Elf bread, pipe weed, KitKat?

Just hurry up, the bus'll be here any minute.

Jimmy? Jimmy, is that you?

Oh, hi! Sorry, didn't see you.

Jimmy, this is Jake.

I've heard lots of good things about you.

Yes, I've heard you...smell...nice.

Thank you, Paco Rabanne.

So, what have you been up to?

Oh, you know, this and that. Busy at work.

Good, good. That's good.

And when did you become a wizard?

Look, Siobhan, it's not what you think.

I'm dressed like this because...

There's really no need to explain but please, please tell me it's not my fault.

Let's get a cab.

It's got nothing to do with you.

Look, it's simple, really.

I'm Gandalf, from Lord Of The Rings.

Oh, Jimmy!

No, not really Gandalf.

Look, the reason I'm doing this...

It's really none of my business.

Can we drop you anywhere?

Er, I'm fine. Are you?

Yes. I'm great.

I've never felt better.

Well, the beard really suits you.

Care for a Malteser?

Gandalf's a bit touchy.

MUSIC: "Lord Of The Rings Theme"

Two, please.

Thank you.

Oh! I'm so sorry.

Oh!

I beg your pardon, it's just one of...

Oh! Sorry, I...

Gran, this is Wesley.

Good to meet you, Wesley.

Maybe you can talk some sense into my granddaughter. I'm sorry?

He's in my group.

Oh, yawn!

Ignore my grandmother, she's a right nympho.

Now, let's practise celibacy and talk about all the things we can't do.

What fun(!)

Do you want to go up to my room? I don't think that's a good idea.

Oh, we could leave the door open.

Still, I'd feel more comfortable down here.

Yeah, you're right.

I wouldn't want to tempt you!

You said everyone would be in costume!

Guess I was wrong. Yes, you were very wrong!

This is nice, us...being celibate.

Yeah.

"Other people may not understand your choices but you must stay

focussed and..."

Whoops!

Am I allowed to do that?

We're still pure.

Oh, yeah.

Purity's great, we could just kiss and leave it at that.

No, it would be wrong.

Yeah, it would.

Really wrong.

SHE CLEARS HER THROAT

Gran! Somebody needs to re-read their pamphlet.

I've got to go...spread the word.

Wesley!

I think Wesley needs some quiet time alone, in his room.

Chastity ring, my eye!

I don't know what you're talking about.

This was never about celibacy, it was about taking advantage

of that poor innocent boy.

All right, I admit it. I only jointed that stupid club so I could pull Wesley.

You could have saved me a great deal of trouble if you'd told the truth.

It was none of your business!

Also, it could have kept me from telling you

about your grandfather's complete and

utter... La la la la la la la...

Could you please have your tickets ready? Where are the tickets?

Hang on, they're here somewhere.

Oh, no. I must have left them in my other cloak.

You have another cloak?

Tickets?

I have the tickets, just not here with me.

Could you just let us in? I'll bring the tickets round tomorrow.

I'd really like to help you, Gandalf, but my master says no.

All right, how much for two tickets?

I'm sorry, sir, sold out.

I was so close.

That would have been something to see - Hobbits dancing and singing.

If my son wants to see dancing Hobbits, my son is gonna see dancing Hobbits.

Has anyone got any tickets they are willing to sell? Yeah, I've got two.

A hundred quid each.

A hundred quid each?

Look why don't we just buy one, you go in without me?

No, Dad. I'm not leaving you behind. We set out on this quest together,

we're gonna finish it together. That's the Hobbit way.

Hurry up, mate.

Yeah, come on, mate, what's the hold up?

Noooo!

YOU SHALL NOT PASS!

DOOR SLAMS

How was the show?

The show was expensive and humiliating.

Gollum was good, though.

So I take it you were the only ones in costume?

The actors weren't as dressed up as us!

Erm, one of your ears is crooked.

Yeah.

I think its time to hang up the pointy ears.

I hate to say this, but I've outgrown the Lord Of The Rings thing.

You are joking?!

No.

As I was sitting there watching Frodo and his Hobbit posse body

popping in the Prancing Pony,

I had an epiphany. This is a little bit silly.

Well, I wish you'd had this epiphany before we went to the theatre!

I'm 200 quid down, they won't let me back on the bus

and Siobhan and her perfect new boyfriend think I'm a bloody wizard!

But you have the love and respect of your son.

And, really, isn't that what matters?

No!

I'm gonna change into something less draughty.

I might keep the beard, though.

Before you go,

throw this into Mount Doom.

# After you've gone

# And left me crying

# After you've gone

# There's no denying

# Some day when you grow lonely

# Your heart will break like mine

# And you'll want me only

# After you've gone

# After you've gone away. #