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1
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# After you've gone
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# And left me crying
3
00:00:07,040 --> 00:00:08,960
# After you've gone
4
00:00:09,160 --> 00:00:10,760
# There's no denying
5
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# Some day, when you grow lonely
6
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# Your heart will break like mine
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# And you'll want me only
8
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# After you've gone
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# After you've away. #
10
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Morning, Jimmy. Lovely day, isn't it?
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Mmm...
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I'm making tea, would you like some?
13
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Mmm...
14
00:00:33,200 --> 00:00:36,720
Your hair is on fire. Maybe I should
put it out with some lighter fluid.
15
00:00:38,960 --> 00:00:40,720
Yeah.
16
00:00:40,720 --> 00:00:43,600
You're not listening to a word I say.
17
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Lovely day, no tea,
hair not on fire.
18
00:00:48,000 --> 00:00:51,960
See, I can listen
and tune you out at the same time.
19
00:00:53,000 --> 00:00:56,160
Hello, Alex. Oh, hi.
You seem in an awful rush.
20
00:00:56,160 --> 00:00:59,000
Huh? Not at all,
what makes you say that? Bye!
21
00:00:59,000 --> 00:01:00,280
What's in the bag?
22
00:01:00,280 --> 00:01:02,200
What bag?
23
00:01:02,200 --> 00:01:03,440
The bag in your hand.
24
00:01:03,440 --> 00:01:06,880
Oh, look at that, there is a bag.
25
00:01:06,880 --> 00:01:08,560
Glad we got that sorted, see ya!
26
00:01:10,280 --> 00:01:12,720
I'm starting to have my suspicions
about Alex.
27
00:01:12,720 --> 00:01:15,840
You're STARTING to have suspicions?
28
00:01:15,840 --> 00:01:18,720
Have you noticed he's been
a bit quiet this half term?
29
00:01:18,720 --> 00:01:21,200
Yeah, great, isn't it?
30
00:01:21,200 --> 00:01:24,560
And very secretive - he's spending
a lot of time in his room.
31
00:01:24,560 --> 00:01:28,760
Diana, all teenage boys
spend a lot of time in their room.
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Quiet time, alone with, in my case,
their poster of Diana Rigg.
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Not Dame Diana?
34
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She wasn't a dame back then.
35
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And up here, she wasn't even a lady.
36
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Please!
37
00:01:47,840 --> 00:01:49,320
Oh, it's just a phase.
38
00:01:49,320 --> 00:01:53,960
Face it, you don't know what he's
doing up there because you're just
39
00:01:49,320 --> 00:01:53,960
not engaged as a parent.
40
00:01:53,960 --> 00:01:56,840
I am engaged, I'm very engaged!
41
00:01:56,840 --> 00:01:59,880
Ooh, that's a cheap lawnmower!
42
00:01:59,880 --> 00:02:02,960
For all you know, Alex could be up
there shooting heroin.
43
00:02:02,960 --> 00:02:05,720
Shooting something,
but I don't think its heroin.
44
00:02:09,040 --> 00:02:11,040
I see, Mr Father of the Year.
45
00:02:11,040 --> 00:02:15,560
If you're so in tune with
your children, maybe you spotted
Molly's wearing a new ring.
46
00:02:17,360 --> 00:02:18,400
Of course.
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00:02:18,400 --> 00:02:20,000
On her wedding finger.
48
00:02:20,000 --> 00:02:23,600
Well, she didn't get married,
I'd have noticed paying for it.
49
00:02:23,600 --> 00:02:25,200
I haven't finished with that.
50
00:02:25,200 --> 00:02:28,560
If you don't find out what Alex
is getting up to, you never will.
51
00:02:28,560 --> 00:02:30,200
You wouldn't.
52
00:02:30,200 --> 00:02:32,240
All right I'm going, I'm going!
53
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Just don't hurt the paper.
54
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A little mood music.
55
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MUSIC: "Lord Of The Rings Theme"
56
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Ready for action.
57
00:02:51,360 --> 00:02:56,280
Alex? I'm coming up the stairs
to talk to you now.
58
00:03:03,120 --> 00:03:04,640
Cool!
59
00:03:19,040 --> 00:03:21,200
Alex, what are you doing in there?
60
00:03:21,200 --> 00:03:23,560
If it's not drugs,
you don't have to tell me.
61
00:03:25,080 --> 00:03:27,520
If you must know,
I'm playing with my Bilbo.
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Please don't tell anyone!
63
00:03:33,800 --> 00:03:35,480
Don't you worry about that.
64
00:03:43,600 --> 00:03:45,800
All right, work your magic.
65
00:03:47,320 --> 00:03:48,960
Mmm, chips and dips!
66
00:03:48,960 --> 00:03:51,840
Hello, Molly, would you like some?
67
00:03:51,840 --> 00:03:54,480
So, what do you want
to talk about, then?
68
00:03:55,440 --> 00:03:56,840
I don't know what you mean.
69
00:03:56,840 --> 00:03:59,000
Salsa dip?
70
00:03:59,000 --> 00:04:00,800
Gran, I know all your tricks.
71
00:04:00,800 --> 00:04:02,880
Can't we just snack together?
72
00:04:05,480 --> 00:04:07,320
It's about that ring.
73
00:04:07,320 --> 00:04:09,920
Is that all? Some friends
are in a celibacy group,
74
00:04:09,920 --> 00:04:13,280
I thought it was a good idea I so
joined, got this chastity ring.
75
00:04:13,280 --> 00:04:16,280
Are you sure you're supposed
to wear it on your finger?
76
00:04:19,080 --> 00:04:22,960
It symbolises my commitment
to remain pure until marriage.
77
00:04:22,960 --> 00:04:24,840
It's lovely, really lovely.
78
00:04:24,840 --> 00:04:26,480
By pure, you mean...
79
00:04:26,480 --> 00:04:30,000
Yes. Yes. It's just I'm curious,
80
00:04:30,000 --> 00:04:32,120
what makes you think
it's right for you?
81
00:04:32,120 --> 00:04:36,000
I want the first time to be special,
someone wonderful, someone I love...
82
00:04:36,000 --> 00:04:38,960
It's all in the pamphlet. How sweet.
83
00:04:38,960 --> 00:04:41,760
Your mother waited
for someone special, too...
84
00:04:41,760 --> 00:04:44,480
Then she gave up and settled
for your father. Hey ho!
85
00:04:46,640 --> 00:04:50,360
So there I am in the paint section,
wondering which green to get, right,
86
00:04:50,360 --> 00:04:54,200
then the bloke walks in
and now I'm thinking,
"Does he have a false leg?"
87
00:04:54,200 --> 00:04:56,800
Kev, do you mind?
I'm trying to read the paper.
88
00:04:56,800 --> 00:04:59,760
I'm just trying to tell you
about my day.
89
00:04:59,760 --> 00:05:02,040
It WAS false!
90
00:05:02,040 --> 00:05:04,160
I just fancy
a bit of peace and quiet, OK?
91
00:05:04,160 --> 00:05:06,040
Just pretend I'm not here. OK.
92
00:05:06,040 --> 00:05:07,920
Give me that back!
93
00:05:07,920 --> 00:05:10,080
So what do you think
of Siobhan's new man?
94
00:05:10,080 --> 00:05:13,240
Oh, Jake? He's a handsome devil.
95
00:05:13,240 --> 00:05:15,720
How do you think
he gets his teeth so white?
96
00:05:15,720 --> 00:05:18,040
Siobhan's seeing someone?!
97
00:05:18,040 --> 00:05:21,240
Oh, you don't wanna hear about
my day, but now you want to talk?
98
00:05:21,240 --> 00:05:24,320
Yes. Well, OK. So there I am
in the paint section, right,
99
00:05:24,320 --> 00:05:27,640
and now I'm thinking, "Do I ask
him about his leg first or do I..."
100
00:05:27,640 --> 00:05:31,200
Kev, I meant about Siobhan's
new bloke. Oh, right, Jake.
101
00:05:31,200 --> 00:05:33,240
No, he's got both legs.
102
00:05:33,240 --> 00:05:35,920
He and Siobhan make a nice couple.
103
00:05:35,920 --> 00:05:39,720
Just cos she's hanging around with a
bloke doesn't mean they're a couple.
104
00:05:39,720 --> 00:05:43,280
It could be a friend.
Yeah, you're right.
I'm sure they're friends.
105
00:05:43,280 --> 00:05:46,560
She wouldn't be snogging him
like that if they were enemies!
106
00:05:47,520 --> 00:05:51,080
Normally I don't go in for
public displays of affection,
107
00:05:51,080 --> 00:05:53,640
but somehow
I don't mind with those two.
108
00:05:53,640 --> 00:05:57,520
I don't believe this, we've only
just broken up. She's a fast mover.
109
00:05:57,520 --> 00:06:00,160
In her defence, Jake's a major hunk.
110
00:06:00,160 --> 00:06:02,240
I'm telling you, boss,
if I was a woman,
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00:06:02,240 --> 00:06:05,360
I'd be all over that
like a rash on a baby.
112
00:06:05,360 --> 00:06:06,600
Oh, yeah!
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00:06:08,120 --> 00:06:10,280
Thank you for helping me
through this,
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00:06:10,280 --> 00:06:13,080
but I'm over Siobhan,
I have moved on.
115
00:06:13,080 --> 00:06:16,680
I'm in fifth gear and she is just
a tiny speck in my rear-view mirror.
116
00:06:16,680 --> 00:06:19,880
Actually, it'll be two specks,
cos she'd be with Jake.
117
00:06:19,880 --> 00:06:22,960
Either way, I am back on the market.
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00:06:22,960 --> 00:06:24,480
At a discount.
119
00:06:24,480 --> 00:06:26,200
What?
120
00:06:26,200 --> 00:06:28,600
Well, let's face it,
you're damaged goods.
121
00:06:33,640 --> 00:06:35,520
I'll show you damaged goods.
122
00:06:37,680 --> 00:06:39,640
Hello. Hi.
123
00:06:39,640 --> 00:06:42,280
What's wrong with your friend there?
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00:06:45,080 --> 00:06:47,640
How long have you got?
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00:06:47,640 --> 00:06:49,400
Can I buy you a drink?
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00:06:49,400 --> 00:06:51,640
Sure. White wine, please.
127
00:06:51,640 --> 00:06:55,200
Bobby, a glass of
your finest white wine, please.
128
00:06:55,200 --> 00:06:58,720
And my boyfriend'll
have a pint of bitter.
129
00:07:04,360 --> 00:07:07,680
It might interest you to know
what Molly's been reading.
130
00:07:07,680 --> 00:07:11,200
"Everything You Need to Know
About Love and Sex in 200 Words."
131
00:07:11,200 --> 00:07:12,920
Ooh, that's handy.
132
00:07:15,600 --> 00:07:20,200
That ring means your daughter
has decided not to have sex
before marriage. Great!
133
00:07:20,200 --> 00:07:22,200
It's not great.
134
00:07:22,200 --> 00:07:27,480
Molly's blossoming into a young woman
and some uptight, conservative,
quasi-religious fruit cakes
135
00:07:27,480 --> 00:07:30,000
are telling her
to put her feelings into a box.
136
00:07:30,000 --> 00:07:32,520
And the problem is?
137
00:07:32,520 --> 00:07:35,760
It's not just about sex,
it's about values,
138
00:07:35,760 --> 00:07:38,960
and she should be learning those
things from me - well, and you -
139
00:07:38,960 --> 00:07:40,520
not from a pamphlet.
140
00:07:40,520 --> 00:07:42,680
Cor, I wish I'd had a pamphlet.
141
00:07:44,800 --> 00:07:48,440
As her father, it's your job
to talk her out of it.
142
00:07:48,440 --> 00:07:51,720
Talk her out of not having sex? Yes.
143
00:07:51,720 --> 00:07:53,120
OK, I will.
144
00:07:53,120 --> 00:07:55,400
When she turns 30.
145
00:07:56,680 --> 00:08:00,360
I suppose you're going to bury your
head in the sand about drug abuse.
146
00:08:00,360 --> 00:08:02,920
I found this in Alex's things.
147
00:08:04,480 --> 00:08:08,400
I wonder if there's any crack
left in here.
148
00:08:08,400 --> 00:08:11,640
Diana, that's not a crack pipe,
that's a...
149
00:08:13,160 --> 00:08:15,040
I dunno what that is.
150
00:08:15,040 --> 00:08:17,680
So all of a sudden
you're an expert on crack pipes?
151
00:08:17,680 --> 00:08:21,400
Alex isn't doing drugs, he's just...
152
00:08:21,400 --> 00:08:23,760
playing with his Bilbo.
153
00:08:27,800 --> 00:08:30,600
What does that even mean?!
154
00:08:30,600 --> 00:08:32,360
It's slang.
155
00:08:33,880 --> 00:08:37,000
I think, but the point is
he's not doing drugs.
156
00:08:38,520 --> 00:08:40,600
Gran, Dad, have we got any lemonade?
157
00:08:40,600 --> 00:08:42,240
I am parched.
158
00:08:42,240 --> 00:08:43,880
Need your fix?
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00:08:43,880 --> 00:08:46,640
Yeah, I'm addicted to the stuff.
160
00:08:46,640 --> 00:08:47,680
PHONE RINGS
161
00:08:51,360 --> 00:08:54,960
Did you get it? Don't toy with me,
man, I'm desperate!
162
00:08:56,480 --> 00:08:59,560
Brilliant. OK, I'll meet you
at the corner in two hours.
163
00:08:59,560 --> 00:09:02,000
Yeah, man, I've got the cash.
164
00:09:02,000 --> 00:09:03,720
Don't let me down.
165
00:09:04,680 --> 00:09:06,480
Ha-ha! Score!
166
00:09:12,040 --> 00:09:14,040
I'm sure there's an explanation.
167
00:09:14,040 --> 00:09:17,160
Yes. Your son,
starved of paternal affection,
168
00:09:17,160 --> 00:09:20,720
has found comfort
in the cruel embrace of a crack pipe!
169
00:09:20,720 --> 00:09:23,320
I meant another explanation.
170
00:09:23,320 --> 00:09:26,480
Yes. Your son,
neglected by his unfit father...
171
00:09:26,480 --> 00:09:28,080
All right, I'm going!
172
00:09:38,240 --> 00:09:42,600
I'm just knocking
on your door now, Alex.
173
00:09:42,600 --> 00:09:44,520
Uh, give me a minute.
174
00:09:44,520 --> 00:09:46,360
I can come back.
175
00:09:46,360 --> 00:09:48,760
No, it's all right, come in.
176
00:09:53,400 --> 00:09:55,360
Oh. Ah!
177
00:09:55,360 --> 00:09:58,840
Sorry, I was just, er...
178
00:09:58,840 --> 00:10:00,880
Nothing, carry on.
179
00:10:00,880 --> 00:10:02,280
No, come in.
180
00:10:05,400 --> 00:10:07,440
I'm tired of hiding.
181
00:10:07,440 --> 00:10:09,320
There's something I want you to see.
182
00:10:09,320 --> 00:10:12,200
No, no.
I really don't need to see it, ever.
183
00:10:15,760 --> 00:10:17,680
Oh, my God!
184
00:10:21,800 --> 00:10:23,920
Now you know my secret.
185
00:10:23,920 --> 00:10:26,600
I'm not sure what I know.
186
00:10:27,640 --> 00:10:31,200
I'm a Lord Of The Rings fan.
187
00:10:31,200 --> 00:10:34,480
I collect the action figures,
I have all the role playing games
188
00:10:34,480 --> 00:10:36,720
and on occasion
I like to dress up as Frodo.
189
00:10:38,640 --> 00:10:43,000
So when you said you were playing
with your Bilbo you meant
190
00:10:43,000 --> 00:10:45,400
you were playing with your Bilbo!
191
00:10:47,280 --> 00:10:48,680
What did you think I meant?
192
00:10:51,280 --> 00:10:53,400
Exactly that, of course!
193
00:10:54,400 --> 00:10:58,200
Alex, why are you being
so secretive about this?
194
00:10:58,200 --> 00:11:00,080
Why didn't you just come to us?
195
00:11:00,080 --> 00:11:02,960
It's not as though
you're taking drugs...
196
00:11:02,960 --> 00:11:04,360
You're not, right?
197
00:11:04,360 --> 00:11:05,520
No.
198
00:11:05,520 --> 00:11:09,200
Unless you count being captivated by
the glories of Middle Earth a drug.
199
00:11:09,200 --> 00:11:12,280
I don't count that.
200
00:11:12,280 --> 00:11:15,240
Look, Alex,
whatever you're going through
201
00:11:15,240 --> 00:11:18,040
you don't have to hide it
from your family.
202
00:11:18,040 --> 00:11:20,920
What made you think
we wouldn't understand?
203
00:11:22,440 --> 00:11:24,160
I dunno,
204
00:11:24,160 --> 00:11:27,920
possibly the way I was treated
during my Pirates
of the Caribbean phase.
205
00:11:27,920 --> 00:11:31,320
Oh, the Jack Sparrow thing, yeah.
206
00:11:31,320 --> 00:11:33,600
We may have been a bit rough on you.
207
00:11:33,600 --> 00:11:36,600
Arr, rougher than the Bay of Biscay.
208
00:11:50,600 --> 00:11:53,560
How bad is it, Sid and Nancy bad?
209
00:11:53,560 --> 00:11:56,200
You may want to sit down.
210
00:11:56,200 --> 00:11:57,680
You're worrying me.
211
00:11:57,680 --> 00:12:02,840
I'm going to tell you, but I want
you to remember that it's important
212
00:11:57,680 --> 00:12:02,840
that we be supportive of Alex.
213
00:12:02,840 --> 00:12:04,000
He's very sensitive.
214
00:12:04,000 --> 00:12:05,960
Oh, this is gonna be good!
215
00:12:05,960 --> 00:12:08,240
Molly! Go on, Jimmy.
216
00:12:08,240 --> 00:12:10,840
Alex is going through a...
217
00:12:10,840 --> 00:12:12,480
Lord Of The Rings phase.
218
00:12:13,440 --> 00:12:14,720
Oh, dear.
219
00:12:14,720 --> 00:12:17,120
I told you it was gonna be good!
220
00:12:17,120 --> 00:12:22,360
But at least he won't be
singing any more sea shanties
or borrowing my mascara.
221
00:12:22,360 --> 00:12:25,720
I can't wait to mess with him.
It's like a gift. Thank you!
222
00:12:25,720 --> 00:12:31,320
No, listen, we mustn't tease him
and we mustn't laugh at him.
It's very important.
223
00:12:41,840 --> 00:12:43,440
MOLLY COUGHS
224
00:12:43,440 --> 00:12:46,000
I've got something
stuck in my throat.
225
00:12:50,520 --> 00:12:52,920
My, what a lovely cloak!
226
00:12:54,440 --> 00:12:58,800
Thanks. It's 100% wool
but it's surprisingly light.
227
00:12:58,800 --> 00:13:00,840
I suppose Dad told you, then?
228
00:13:00,840 --> 00:13:04,240
Told us what, dear?
Oh, we think it's wonderful.
229
00:13:04,240 --> 00:13:06,640
Yes, yes. Yes, we do...
230
00:13:06,640 --> 00:13:07,760
don't we?
231
00:13:07,760 --> 00:13:11,560
Yeah! In fact I'm gonna go
get the camera and...
232
00:13:11,560 --> 00:13:13,840
Sit down, Molly.
233
00:13:13,840 --> 00:13:16,280
Well, I'm glad
you're all taking it so well.
234
00:13:16,280 --> 00:13:19,280
Of course. We love Lord Of The Rings.
235
00:13:19,280 --> 00:13:20,640
Yes.
236
00:13:20,640 --> 00:13:22,840
Oh, cool - you found my pipe.
237
00:13:25,880 --> 00:13:27,840
Wait a sec, are those my tights?
238
00:13:27,840 --> 00:13:29,640
Yeah. Give them back.
239
00:13:29,640 --> 00:13:33,160
Fine, they're really
riding up on me. Keep them!
240
00:13:33,160 --> 00:13:37,120
I just scored two tickets
to Lord Of The Rings, the Musical
on Tuesday, Dad.
241
00:13:37,120 --> 00:13:41,320
It would be cool if you could
come with me, it would be
a real Dad and lad day out.
242
00:13:41,320 --> 00:13:45,640
Yeah, that'd be so cool, Dad!
243
00:13:45,640 --> 00:13:48,920
If it was any day other than, erm...
244
00:13:48,920 --> 00:13:51,440
Tuesday. Tuesday! Yeah, pity.
245
00:13:51,440 --> 00:13:55,720
I'll go. Someone's got to take
an interest in your son, Jimmy.
246
00:13:55,720 --> 00:13:57,760
Enjoy the show.
247
00:13:57,760 --> 00:14:04,440
After all, he's come this far
without your guidance
and he seems absolutely fine.
248
00:14:10,160 --> 00:14:12,400
Do you know what? I'll go.
249
00:14:12,400 --> 00:14:15,680
I'll just cancel whatever
fake plans I had for Tuesday.
250
00:14:17,200 --> 00:14:21,640
Oh, great. Thanks, Dad. If anyone
needs me I'll be up in my shire.
251
00:14:24,920 --> 00:14:27,040
You had no intention of going,
did you?
252
00:14:27,040 --> 00:14:31,840
Well, it's hardly relevant now.
Good job I'm a father who is
253
00:14:27,040 --> 00:14:31,840
supportive of his children.
254
00:14:31,840 --> 00:14:34,760
Well, in that case, do you
want to join my celibacy club?
255
00:14:34,760 --> 00:14:36,760
I don't need a club for that.
256
00:14:43,920 --> 00:14:46,520
You just missed Siobhan and Jake.
257
00:14:46,520 --> 00:14:49,320
I couldn't care less
about Siobhan and Jake.
258
00:14:49,320 --> 00:14:52,800
Ah, you can still smell
his Paco Rabanne.
259
00:14:52,800 --> 00:14:55,280
It's a manly scent.
260
00:14:55,280 --> 00:14:58,000
Sorry, did you two buy
these flowers for Jake?
261
00:14:58,000 --> 00:15:00,880
Oh, look out,
it's the green-eyed monster.
262
00:15:00,880 --> 00:15:03,320
Actually, Jake got them for Siobhan.
263
00:15:03,320 --> 00:15:05,240
They really brighten up the place.
264
00:15:05,240 --> 00:15:08,400
He's so romantic.
Siobhan's never looked happier.
265
00:15:08,400 --> 00:15:09,680
Everyone loves Jake.
266
00:15:09,680 --> 00:15:12,600
Oh, yeah, he's the best.
267
00:15:13,600 --> 00:15:16,640
Hey, look, the sun's come out!
268
00:15:16,640 --> 00:15:19,240
I'm getting sick of Jake and I
haven't even met him.
269
00:15:19,240 --> 00:15:21,080
It's not a competition, Jimmy.
270
00:15:21,080 --> 00:15:24,360
You couldn't compete anyway.
Why? What's Siobhan told you?
271
00:15:24,360 --> 00:15:26,800
Nothing.
Why, what could she have told us?
272
00:15:26,800 --> 00:15:28,080
Nothing.
273
00:15:28,080 --> 00:15:31,440
It's just that Jake's
more the romantic type.
274
00:15:31,440 --> 00:15:33,320
I'll show you romantic.
275
00:15:37,880 --> 00:15:39,960
A rose for the lady.
276
00:15:39,960 --> 00:15:43,520
Ah, that's so sweet. How much is it?
277
00:15:45,200 --> 00:15:48,760
Please, it's on the house.
278
00:15:48,760 --> 00:15:51,520
Still, get yourself
a bed for the night.
279
00:15:55,680 --> 00:15:57,840
I know, I totally agree.
280
00:15:57,840 --> 00:16:01,240
Pleasures of the flesh should only
begin after marriage. Ha!
281
00:16:01,240 --> 00:16:03,080
I'll call you back.
282
00:16:03,080 --> 00:16:05,840
How long
have you been standing there?
283
00:16:05,840 --> 00:16:08,000
Quite some time,
I'm stealthy like that.
284
00:16:08,000 --> 00:16:10,880
Could you shut the door
on your way out, please?
285
00:16:10,880 --> 00:16:18,400
Listen, Molly,
let's say you buy a car
that you will own your entire life,
286
00:16:18,400 --> 00:16:21,160
you get a nice reliable hatchback,
287
00:16:21,160 --> 00:16:25,320
and then you find out it doesn't make
you completely happy and you think,
288
00:16:25,320 --> 00:16:28,680
"Maybe I should have gone for
that snappy little convertible,"
289
00:16:28,680 --> 00:16:31,600
but you don't know as you have
nothing to compare it with.
290
00:16:31,600 --> 00:16:36,160
If only you had taken a couple
of test drives before purchasing.
291
00:16:37,120 --> 00:16:38,480
I don't drive.
292
00:16:38,480 --> 00:16:40,480
And I'm happy that you don't...
293
00:16:40,480 --> 00:16:42,760
drive, but some day you will...
294
00:16:42,760 --> 00:16:46,880
drive, and you'll want to know
what you're doing when you
get out onto the road,
295
00:16:46,880 --> 00:16:51,080
or you'll take the wrong turn
or go the wrong way
and cause a terrible accident.
296
00:16:51,080 --> 00:16:53,760
Are we still talking about cars?
297
00:16:53,760 --> 00:16:54,920
Yes.
298
00:16:54,920 --> 00:16:57,600
And sexual intercourse.
299
00:16:57,600 --> 00:16:58,800
Gran!
300
00:16:58,800 --> 00:17:01,160
I'm not saying
rush out and have sex,
301
00:17:01,160 --> 00:17:03,720
but don't feel
you have to wait until marriage.
302
00:17:03,720 --> 00:17:05,560
You waited for Gramps.
303
00:17:05,560 --> 00:17:11,200
Yes, I did and, as you know, I loved
your grandfather with all my heart.
304
00:17:11,200 --> 00:17:18,120
Still, not a day went by
when I didn't wonder about
sleeping with someone else.
305
00:17:18,120 --> 00:17:19,320
What?!
306
00:17:19,320 --> 00:17:23,520
You see, when it came down to it,
Patrick wasn't the best driver.
307
00:17:25,120 --> 00:17:26,200
Gramps.
308
00:17:26,200 --> 00:17:28,960
Although he was a careful
and considerate motorist,
309
00:17:28,960 --> 00:17:33,480
sometimes I found myself
having to get out and push.
310
00:17:33,480 --> 00:17:35,240
Gran, stop!
311
00:17:35,240 --> 00:17:40,000
Fortunately, I was a young widow
and still very sexually active...
312
00:17:35,240 --> 00:17:40,000
La la la la la...
313
00:17:44,000 --> 00:17:45,520
My precious.
314
00:17:51,240 --> 00:17:57,200
Alex, I don't mind going with you
but you have to promise
not to call me that at the show.
315
00:17:57,200 --> 00:18:00,160
Right.
I suppose we'd better get ready.
316
00:18:00,160 --> 00:18:02,600
I am ready. Er, no, you're not.
317
00:18:02,600 --> 00:18:04,880
I've got a surprise for you!
318
00:18:06,400 --> 00:18:09,320
Alex! You didn't have
to do anything like...
319
00:18:12,480 --> 00:18:13,520
What's this?
320
00:18:13,520 --> 00:18:15,760
It's a costume!
321
00:18:17,000 --> 00:18:19,680
No. No, there's no way
I am wearing a costume.
322
00:18:21,240 --> 00:18:24,000
But you have to.
Everyone else will be dressed up.
323
00:18:24,000 --> 00:18:27,520
It's like the Rocky Horror show,
if we don't we'll look like idiots.
324
00:18:27,520 --> 00:18:30,600
Well, I'm willing
to take that chance.
325
00:18:31,960 --> 00:18:34,040
I made that outfit
specially for you.
326
00:18:34,040 --> 00:18:36,080
I thought
we were finally connecting,
327
00:18:36,080 --> 00:18:38,920
you know, father and son, out on the
town, Hobbit style.
328
00:18:40,680 --> 00:18:43,040
I guess I was just fooling myself.
329
00:18:43,040 --> 00:18:45,680
You're not the world's greatest dad,
330
00:18:45,680 --> 00:18:50,280
although it's probably too late to
cancel that mug I ordered for you.
331
00:18:51,240 --> 00:18:53,640
All right, I'll wear it.
332
00:18:53,640 --> 00:18:55,920
Oh, really? Thanks, Dad.
333
00:18:55,920 --> 00:18:59,480
Oh, I lied about the mug
but I will get you one
if you got your hopes up.
334
00:18:59,480 --> 00:19:01,200
Oh, that's OK.
335
00:19:01,200 --> 00:19:03,960
Of course, it may not fit.
336
00:19:03,960 --> 00:19:06,120
Oh, it will,
I measured you in your sleep.
337
00:19:14,080 --> 00:19:15,520
Jimmy?! Mmm?
338
00:19:15,520 --> 00:19:17,520
Shouldn't you be on your way?
339
00:19:29,640 --> 00:19:31,920
I don't know what to say.
340
00:19:31,920 --> 00:19:36,520
There are so many options, I really
don't want to blow this opportunity.
341
00:19:36,520 --> 00:19:38,640
Alex made it for me,
342
00:19:38,640 --> 00:19:43,280
and if this isn't being an engaged
parent, I don't know what is.
343
00:19:43,280 --> 00:19:45,720
Gandalf's the wise fatherly figure.
344
00:19:45,720 --> 00:19:47,160
You should feel flattered.
345
00:19:47,160 --> 00:19:52,920
I know,
and yet somehow I just feel a prat.
346
00:19:55,120 --> 00:19:58,160
Ah, Dad, you look amazing!
347
00:19:58,160 --> 00:20:00,520
People are gonna think
you're the real deal.
348
00:20:00,520 --> 00:20:02,520
I forgot to give you your staff.
349
00:20:04,040 --> 00:20:05,880
Oh, right. That really sets it off.
350
00:20:05,880 --> 00:20:07,440
Yes, it does.
351
00:20:07,440 --> 00:20:11,120
We'd better be going. It's a long,
treacherous journey to the West End.
352
00:20:11,120 --> 00:20:14,000
Diana, erm,
353
00:20:14,000 --> 00:20:15,600
Kev's borrowed the van...
354
00:20:15,600 --> 00:20:16,840
Yes?
355
00:20:16,840 --> 00:20:19,520
I don't really wanna go on the bus
looking like this,
356
00:20:19,520 --> 00:20:24,720
so I was wondering if
you could find it in your heart
to lend me your car?
357
00:20:24,720 --> 00:20:28,160
How cruel do you think I am?
358
00:20:37,520 --> 00:20:38,680
Ooh, a shop!
359
00:20:38,680 --> 00:20:41,400
Let's go on a quest
for some munchies.
360
00:20:41,400 --> 00:20:44,360
Why does everything
have to be a quest with you?
361
00:20:44,360 --> 00:20:46,080
It's more fun that way.
362
00:20:46,080 --> 00:20:48,640
Well, I can't go into
a shop dressed like this.
363
00:20:48,640 --> 00:20:50,600
I'll go. Do you want anything?
364
00:20:50,600 --> 00:20:54,160
Elf bread, pipe weed, KitKat?
365
00:20:54,160 --> 00:20:57,880
Just hurry up,
the bus'll be here any minute.
366
00:21:03,640 --> 00:21:06,440
Jimmy? Jimmy, is that you?
367
00:21:07,560 --> 00:21:11,960
Oh, hi! Sorry, didn't see you.
368
00:21:11,960 --> 00:21:14,040
Jimmy, this is Jake.
369
00:21:14,040 --> 00:21:16,240
I've heard
lots of good things about you.
370
00:21:16,240 --> 00:21:18,840
Yes, I've heard you...smell...nice.
371
00:21:18,840 --> 00:21:20,720
Thank you, Paco Rabanne.
372
00:21:22,600 --> 00:21:24,160
So, what have you been up to?
373
00:21:24,160 --> 00:21:27,880
Oh, you know, this and that.
Busy at work.
374
00:21:27,880 --> 00:21:29,800
Good, good. That's good.
375
00:21:31,480 --> 00:21:33,480
And when did you become a wizard?
376
00:21:35,360 --> 00:21:37,720
Look, Siobhan,
it's not what you think.
377
00:21:37,720 --> 00:21:39,600
I'm dressed like this because...
378
00:21:39,600 --> 00:21:43,680
There's really no need
to explain but please, please
tell me it's not my fault.
379
00:21:43,680 --> 00:21:45,600
Let's get a cab.
380
00:21:46,720 --> 00:21:48,920
It's got nothing to do with you.
381
00:21:48,920 --> 00:21:51,680
Look, it's simple, really.
382
00:21:51,680 --> 00:21:55,800
I'm Gandalf, from Lord Of The Rings.
383
00:21:55,800 --> 00:21:57,600
Oh, Jimmy!
384
00:21:59,120 --> 00:22:01,440
No, not really Gandalf.
385
00:22:01,440 --> 00:22:03,760
Look, the reason I'm doing this...
386
00:22:03,760 --> 00:22:06,000
It's really none of my business.
387
00:22:08,680 --> 00:22:11,200
Can we drop you anywhere?
388
00:22:11,200 --> 00:22:13,520
Er, I'm fine. Are you?
389
00:22:13,520 --> 00:22:16,320
Yes. I'm great.
390
00:22:16,320 --> 00:22:18,760
I've never felt better.
391
00:22:18,760 --> 00:22:20,880
Well, the beard really suits you.
392
00:22:35,880 --> 00:22:37,320
Care for a Malteser?
393
00:22:58,880 --> 00:23:00,160
Gandalf's a bit touchy.
394
00:23:04,440 --> 00:23:10,200
MUSIC: "Lord Of The Rings Theme"
395
00:23:21,200 --> 00:23:22,720
Two, please.
396
00:23:25,360 --> 00:23:26,880
Thank you.
397
00:23:33,320 --> 00:23:35,160
Oh! I'm so sorry.
398
00:23:35,160 --> 00:23:37,120
Oh!
399
00:23:37,120 --> 00:23:39,280
I beg your pardon,
it's just one of...
400
00:23:39,280 --> 00:23:41,240
Oh! Sorry, I...
401
00:23:47,040 --> 00:23:48,880
Gran, this is Wesley.
402
00:23:48,880 --> 00:23:50,200
Good to meet you, Wesley.
403
00:23:50,200 --> 00:23:53,920
Maybe you can talk some sense
into my granddaughter. I'm sorry?
404
00:23:53,920 --> 00:23:55,440
He's in my group.
405
00:23:55,440 --> 00:23:57,400
Oh, yawn!
406
00:23:59,440 --> 00:24:01,800
Ignore my grandmother,
she's a right nympho.
407
00:24:01,800 --> 00:24:05,760
Now, let's practise celibacy
and talk about
all the things we can't do.
408
00:24:05,760 --> 00:24:07,800
What fun(!)
409
00:24:07,800 --> 00:24:11,080
Do you want to go up to my room?
I don't think that's a good idea.
410
00:24:11,080 --> 00:24:13,320
Oh, we could leave the door open.
411
00:24:13,320 --> 00:24:16,080
Still, I'd feel
more comfortable down here.
412
00:24:16,080 --> 00:24:18,040
Yeah, you're right.
413
00:24:18,040 --> 00:24:19,560
I wouldn't want to tempt you!
414
00:24:30,960 --> 00:24:33,240
You said everyone
would be in costume!
415
00:24:34,280 --> 00:24:39,000
Guess I was wrong.
Yes, you were very wrong!
416
00:24:39,000 --> 00:24:43,640
This is nice, us...being celibate.
417
00:24:44,080 --> 00:24:46,560
Yeah.
418
00:24:46,560 --> 00:24:51,000
"Other people may not understand
your choices but you must stay
419
00:24:46,560 --> 00:24:51,000
focussed and..."
420
00:24:51,000 --> 00:24:52,600
Whoops!
421
00:24:52,600 --> 00:24:54,360
Am I allowed to do that?
422
00:24:57,080 --> 00:24:58,120
We're still pure.
423
00:24:58,120 --> 00:24:59,280
Oh, yeah.
424
00:24:59,280 --> 00:25:02,160
Purity's great, we could
just kiss and leave it at that.
425
00:25:02,160 --> 00:25:04,200
No, it would be wrong.
426
00:25:04,200 --> 00:25:05,880
Yeah, it would.
427
00:25:05,880 --> 00:25:07,400
Really wrong.
428
00:25:10,240 --> 00:25:11,560
SHE CLEARS HER THROAT
429
00:25:11,560 --> 00:25:14,280
Gran! Somebody needs
to re-read their pamphlet.
430
00:25:14,280 --> 00:25:16,240
I've got to go...spread the word.
431
00:25:16,240 --> 00:25:17,560
Wesley!
432
00:25:17,560 --> 00:25:21,320
I think Wesley needs
some quiet time alone, in his room.
433
00:25:22,840 --> 00:25:25,480
Chastity ring, my eye!
434
00:25:25,480 --> 00:25:27,480
I don't know what
you're talking about.
435
00:25:27,480 --> 00:25:32,120
This was never about celibacy,
it was about taking advantage
436
00:25:27,480 --> 00:25:32,120
of that poor innocent boy.
437
00:25:32,120 --> 00:25:37,240
All right, I admit it.
I only jointed that stupid club
so I could pull Wesley.
438
00:25:37,240 --> 00:25:40,960
You could have saved me a great deal
of trouble if you'd told the truth.
439
00:25:40,960 --> 00:25:42,960
It was none of your business!
440
00:25:42,960 --> 00:25:45,400
Also, it could have kept me
from telling you
441
00:25:45,400 --> 00:25:49,560
about your grandfather's complete and
442
00:25:45,400 --> 00:25:49,560
utter... La la la la la la la...
443
00:25:49,560 --> 00:25:53,400
Could you please have your tickets
ready? Where are the tickets?
444
00:25:53,400 --> 00:25:55,840
Hang on, they're here somewhere.
445
00:25:57,840 --> 00:26:02,120
Oh, no. I must have left them
in my other cloak.
446
00:26:02,120 --> 00:26:05,360
You have another cloak?
447
00:26:05,360 --> 00:26:06,880
Tickets?
448
00:26:06,880 --> 00:26:11,400
I have the tickets,
just not here with me.
449
00:26:11,400 --> 00:26:15,640
Could you just let us in? I'll bring
the tickets round tomorrow.
450
00:26:15,640 --> 00:26:20,520
I'd really like to help you,
Gandalf, but my master says no.
451
00:26:20,520 --> 00:26:23,000
All right, how much for two tickets?
452
00:26:23,000 --> 00:26:25,000
I'm sorry, sir, sold out.
453
00:26:25,000 --> 00:26:26,040
I was so close.
454
00:26:26,040 --> 00:26:29,600
That would have been something to
see - Hobbits dancing and singing.
455
00:26:29,600 --> 00:26:34,920
If my son wants to see dancing
Hobbits, my son is gonna see
dancing Hobbits.
456
00:26:34,920 --> 00:26:38,840
Has anyone got any tickets they are
willing to sell? Yeah, I've got two.
457
00:26:38,840 --> 00:26:40,360
A hundred quid each.
458
00:26:40,360 --> 00:26:42,200
A hundred quid each?
459
00:26:43,240 --> 00:26:45,920
Look why don't we just buy one,
you go in without me?
460
00:26:45,920 --> 00:26:49,520
No, Dad. I'm not leaving you behind.
We set out on this quest together,
461
00:26:49,520 --> 00:26:52,600
we're gonna finish it together.
That's the Hobbit way.
462
00:26:52,600 --> 00:26:53,840
Hurry up, mate.
463
00:26:53,840 --> 00:26:56,320
Yeah, come on, mate,
what's the hold up?
464
00:26:56,320 --> 00:26:57,880
Noooo!
465
00:26:57,880 --> 00:27:02,160
YOU SHALL NOT PASS!
466
00:27:08,680 --> 00:27:10,720
DOOR SLAMS
467
00:27:10,720 --> 00:27:12,280
How was the show?
468
00:27:13,800 --> 00:27:17,440
The show was expensive
and humiliating.
469
00:27:17,440 --> 00:27:19,960
Gollum was good, though.
470
00:27:19,960 --> 00:27:23,600
So I take it you were
the only ones in costume?
471
00:27:23,600 --> 00:27:27,360
The actors weren't
as dressed up as us!
472
00:27:28,880 --> 00:27:30,920
Erm, one of your ears is crooked.
473
00:27:30,920 --> 00:27:32,800
Yeah.
474
00:27:32,800 --> 00:27:35,360
I think its time
to hang up the pointy ears.
475
00:27:35,360 --> 00:27:39,240
I hate to say this,
but I've outgrown
the Lord Of The Rings thing.
476
00:27:39,240 --> 00:27:41,000
You are joking?!
477
00:27:42,000 --> 00:27:43,120
No.
478
00:27:43,120 --> 00:27:48,080
As I was sitting there watching
Frodo and his Hobbit posse body
479
00:27:43,120 --> 00:27:48,080
popping in the Prancing Pony,
480
00:27:48,080 --> 00:27:52,440
I had an epiphany.
This is a little bit silly.
481
00:27:53,560 --> 00:27:57,440
Well, I wish you'd had this epiphany
before we went to the theatre!
482
00:27:57,440 --> 00:28:01,960
I'm 200 quid down,
they won't let me back on the bus
483
00:28:01,960 --> 00:28:05,520
and Siobhan and her perfect new
boyfriend think I'm a bloody wizard!
484
00:28:07,960 --> 00:28:10,640
But you have the love
and respect of your son.
485
00:28:10,640 --> 00:28:12,840
And, really,
isn't that what matters?
486
00:28:12,840 --> 00:28:15,680
No!
487
00:28:15,680 --> 00:28:19,040
I'm gonna change
into something less draughty.
488
00:28:19,040 --> 00:28:21,640
I might keep the beard, though.
489
00:28:21,640 --> 00:28:23,800
Before you go,
490
00:28:23,800 --> 00:28:25,920
throw this into Mount Doom.
491
00:28:28,960 --> 00:28:31,120
# After you've gone
492
00:28:31,120 --> 00:28:32,920
# And left me crying
493
00:28:32,920 --> 00:28:35,520
# After you've gone
494
00:28:35,520 --> 00:28:37,120
# There's no denying
495
00:28:37,120 --> 00:28:41,560
# Some day when you grow lonely
496
00:28:41,560 --> 00:28:43,520
# Your heart will break like mine
497
00:28:43,520 --> 00:28:45,640
# And you'll want me only
498
00:28:45,640 --> 00:28:47,760
# After you've gone
499
00:28:47,760 --> 00:28:51,120
# After you've gone away. #
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