Original subtitles

I've just had some terrible news.

Oh. Do side plates go on the right or the left?

My friend Fiona passed away this morning.

Oh, I'm sorry. Seriously, side plates?

I can't believe she's gone, we had so much in common.

She never liked me very much.

Yes, we had so much in common.

Look on the bright side, Fiona always said she wanted to move somewhere hot.

Are you saying my friend's gone to hell?

I don't make the rules. Now, look, where are we on the side plates?

Jimmy, Fiona was one of my best friends. Who will I go to go to the theatre with?

Who will I go for lunch with at weekends?

Oh, never mind, there's plenty

more miserable old trouts in the sea.

The trout is a freshwater fish, and side plates go on the left.

Diana, when you get to your age you've got to expect

some of your friends to start dropping like flies.

If you get lonely... I strongly advise you to stop talking now.

Listen... I have a fork in my hand... If you get lonely...

..heading for your tender parts in three, two, one...

You could always get a dog.

A dog?!

Well, why not?

Good enough for Dick Dastardly.

Hiya, Gran. Dad.

I've had the best day, sun's shining, birds tweeting,

Keely Watts winking at me in biology.

Gran's friend Fiona died.

Wow, that is some heavy duty yin and yang.

Thank you, Alex. Even that response was infinitely more comforting than your father's.

Look, Gran. I'm here for you, just like you were there for me when Fluffy was taken from us.

Believe me, Fiona's better off on the farm scampering about with all the other old ladies.

Erm, I'd give it five minutes if I were you.

Wet paint.

It's gonna be a long job, Bobby.

Some of that graffiti's really stubborn.

Here we go, just what the doctor ordered after a hard day's work.

What's this?

Diet Coke with a smile.

Bobby, I'm fine.

Jimmy, please, I've run a pub long enough to know when a man's feeling down.

Lack of care in their appearance...

I've been working! Snappy and defensive.

I'm always snappy and defensive.

An expression that says their puppy was just torn up by a runaway combine harvester.

That's the one.

It's the way my face hangs.

I'm not blaming you, Jimmy.

If I'd just broken up with my girlfriend and been condemned

to die alone, I'd be a teensy bit upset too.

I am totally over Siobhan and I'm not going to die alone.

I might take a few of you with me. Can we just drop this, please?

I need to go to the loo now.

Pleasure, Kev, not business.

Oh, right.

You really think he's depressed about Siobhan? If I've learned anything

behind a bar,

it's that a man cannot get over a break-up on Diet Coke alone.

Get him a pint, then.

Kev, he's a recovering alcoholic.

Though with Jimmy back on the booze, I could afford a new conservatory.

Nah! So you reckon he might fall off the wagon?

We'll just have to keep a close eye on him.

Got it.

Some idiot forgot to put the "wet paint" sign up.

Yeah, well, don't be too hard on yourself, boss.

Do you want a drink? Fanta, mineral water, Tia Maria to dull the pain?

This is what I need.

Is that white spirit? Yeah, and he didn't even ask for tonic.

Right, Jimmy, I'm off, don't forget to hang out the washing, see you tomorrow.

I do hope so, Diana...a day without you is like a day without sunshine.

Gran, can you wait a minute? I

need to tell you and Dad something.

What is it? Is it drugs? It had better not be drugs. Is it drugs?

Your father's concerned it's something to do with drugs.

You know my friend Grace?

She's the one with the teeth that make orthodontists reach

for the Ferrari catalogue?

No, that's Tammy. Grace is the one with the acne.

Oh, to be young again.

Anyway, it's Grace's birthday and she's invited us to a sleepover this weekend.

It's at her parents' cottage in the Lake District.

Oh, of course you can do that!

What's the worst that can happen? Overdose on Kendal Mint Cake?

Jimmy, don't you want to ask your daughter anything else?

Are there going to be any adults there? How many people are going?

Are there going to be any boys?

I should have just spoken to Dad.

Will there be boys? OK, I'll be honest.

I thought about lying to you about this weekend. You shock me.

But then I realised the best way

to prove to you how responsible I am is to tell you the truth.

The truth is, there's six of us going, all girls, but there won't be any adults there.

Well, I appreciate your honesty.

Though clearly on this occasion, it's backfired.

But Dad just said I can go.

Before he knew all the facts.

Now he knows the facts he's obviously changed his mind.

It's a girlie sleepover. Of course she can go. Oh, thank you, Dad.

She was responsible enough to tell us the truth, she's

responsible enough to go.

I was a young girl once, remember. I know what goes on.

Diana, what happened in the air raid shelter stays in the air raid shelter.

You're making a huge mistake.

No, I'm not. What's the four one one, my brethren?

Your father is allowing your sister to go for an unsupervised sleepover.

Whoa! That's not fair! You said I can't go to Amsterdam for New Year's Eve.

That's totally different. This is just five girls at a sleepover.

Yeah, that does sound more fun.

Well, as it's obvious that I can't change your father's mind... Yes!

I suppose you can go if you promise to be responsible.

This is outrageous. You should allow me to go away for New Year's Eve.

Oh, come on, Alex, people only go to Amsterdam for one reason.

Anne Frank's house.

Well, two reasons.

Oh, oh, I get you, the Rembrandt Museum.

Pint of lager, please, Bobby.

Kev, it's nine in the morning. You're here to work.

You're right. Pint of lager top, please, Bobby.

So, any sign of Jimmy falling off the wagon?

Don't worry, I haven't let him out of my sight. Where is he, then?

From now on, I won't let him out of my sight.

See what you can get out of him, be subtle.

Morning.

Or should I say afternoon?

Kev, you walked in here 30 seconds before I did. I gave you a lift.

That's not the point. The point is is that you're late and that is a very bad sign.

What the hell are you talking about?

I'd rather not say, not while I'm still gathering evidence.

If I thought I could find someone else who didn't know about the minimum wage...

I'm just nipping to the loo.

You're going to the loo a lot these days.

Very subtle, Kev. Are you sure MI5 haven't snapped you up?

No, selling furniture's a mug's game.

WATER SPURTING

Oh, great(!)

DRYER REMAINS QUIET

For crying out loud.

Well, the evidence speaks for itself, Jimmy's on the booze again.

I won't believe it till I've seen the proof.

It's not like he's got the shakes or lost control of his bladder.

It's looking good for my conservatory.

DOOR BANGS

Hi, Moll, good day at school?

To tell you the truth, Dad, I found most of it boring and pointless.

If I didn't live in a society which puts a premium

on formal education, I'd be happy to pack it on my 16th birthday.

It's good you're being honest. It's the sign of a mature,

well-rounded human being, who's allowed to go to sleepovers.

Oh, yeah, I meant to talk to you about that.

You're not gonna change your mind. Er, no, no, I'm a man of my word,

it's just...

I want you to realise how much I'm sticking my neck out for you.

Don't worry, Dad. I won't prove Gran right. That's my girl.

Molly, your hair straighteners, you left them plugged in.

Tut tut. Not very responsible.

Your credit card, which you left lying around,

and that any irresponsible teenager could use to buy shoes, handbags or make-up, naming no names, Molly.

Milk left out of the fridge, a bio hazard.

Alex, you're not going to Amsterdam.

You haven't seen how responsible I can be.

I have seen how responsible you can be. Every time something goes wrong, you're responsible.

That was the old Alex, I've given up the carefree abandon of my youth

in exchange for a dream trip to the land of tulips and windmills.

Lid left off, danger of oxidisation.

Being responsible is totally cool.

Yeah, and so sexy.

You should get yourself a Volvo and a pension plan, the girls will go wild.

Hello.

Wow! Who's this?

That thing better be dead and covered in chilli sauce before it comes anywhere near me.

I thought you'd be pleased. You were the one that suggested I get a dog.

Yeah, but I pictured you getting an actual dog, not a small Scottish Ewok.

DOG GROWLS AND YAPS

See? Now you've offended him.

You trained him to do that, didn't you?

Well dressed, quick learner.

Beloved by all who see him, the dog's beating you hands down, Jimmy.

That's it. Alex, fire up the barbecue.

Morning, Dad. Hey. Need a hand with that?

Er, I think I can just about manage.

Any other responsibilities you need shouldering?

Erm, well, I do need someone to go and stand in the garden

for me for a few hours.

I'm on it. Clog city, here I come.

CHINKING

Oh, my God.

Hi, Dad. Dad, you're not supposed to be drinking.

What's this? Listen, Dad...

I am really disappointed in you, Molly.

Even in my darkest days, I wouldn't be seen dead drinking this!

Peach schnapps!

Sorry.

Sorry?!

I trusted you to be responsible.

But it's not even mine, the peach schnapps is Ellie's.

And the cherry brandy?

OK, that's mine.

Sorry, Dad. Sorry is not good enough. You are not going to the sleepover.

But that's not fair. There really aren't gonna be boys there.

Just drink.

We'll talk about this later. First things first, I'm gonna

take all this back to the shop.

But, Dad... But Dad nothing!

You sit there and you think about what you've done,

because novelty spirits are no laughing matter, young lady.

Rhubarb vodka?

Hi, I'd like to speak to the manager, please. Yeah? Yeah.

I said I'd like to speak to the manager.

Yeah?

I said I would like to speak to the manager.

Yeah, I am the manager. What is it?

Someone in this shop sold all this alcohol to my daughter. Yeah?

Yeah. And she's 15.

What does she look like? What?

On a scale of one, minger, to ten, babe.

What? Well, if she was anything less than a seven I wouldn't have served her.

Listen, I want a refund for all this and I wanna make a complaint.

No receipt, no refund, no exchange.

So, what you're telling me, I have

to take all this illegally-purchased

alcohol back to my underage teenage daughter?

Yeah.

And you could give her my number.

Now just you listen to me, you little ba...

Ow! You can't throw me out because I am walking out.

It's people like you that give off-licences a bad name.

But don't you worry, you haven't seen the last of me, I'll be back!

Now look what you've made me do!

Bobby, we've got a problem.

Yeah, he seemed most upset about the rhubarb vodka. OK, listen to me.

Urgh, Dad, you smell of ouzo.

Whatever that smells like. I hope you were telling your friends you're not going to the sleepover.

After this little lot I won't be trusting you for a long time.

I know. You're right.

I know I am.

Why are you agreeing with me? Because I know how badly I've let you down. And I'm sorry.

I hope Gran's not too smug when

you tell her she was right all along.

Maybe we don't have to tell her.

Oh, I couldn't keep this from her, that would be dishonest and I've totally learnt my lesson.

Yeah, but... You do want me to learn my lesson, don't you?

The thing is, Molly,

part of being a responsible adult is knowing when to make an exception.

Mmm, what sort of exception?

Well, obviously it's good to be honest most of the time,

but sometimes, like now, for example, it's not.

Mmm, it's not good to be honest.

Not with your grandmother, no.

Because she'll use it against you and make you suffer for it.

Pretty much sums it up. OK, I'll make an exception.

Good girl.

If you let me go to the sleepover.

Now hang on.

Sorry, Dad, that's the deal.

So either I let you go on a drink-fuelled rampage

or I have to go and admit to Diana that she was right.

Yep, and I know which one you want.

That's the thing about being an adult, Molly,

you don't always get what you want.

I don't wanna be an adult any more.

Hey, Dad, any other responsibilities you want me to fulfil?

Hide these from your sister.

I am on fire.

Andrew, Andrew, come here!

Good boy! Andrew...?

Andrew, heel!

Diana, I know he's approximately

the size of a custard cream but I don't think he's in there.

Jimmy, have you seen Andrew? Something terrible's happened. Run away, has he?

No, we were having a lovely day, we'd been to Harvey Nicks,

we'd had our nails done,

when we were going to the park and...

I may have left him on the bus.

HE LAUGHS

I suppose it is more humane than throwing him in the canal. I didn't do it on purpose.

My only hope is that he's retraced his steps and come back here.

Well, why should he? He's free now, he's probably grabbed the opportunity with both paws.

I dread to think what's happened to him. That bus terminates in Lewisham.

And it's all your fault.

Not so responsible now, are you?

I know. You were right. I know I am.

Why do people keep agreeing with me?

I had the cheek to suggest Molly wasn't responsible enough

to go on a sleepover and there's me leaving my dog on a bus.

I'm so disappointed with myself. Mmm. Mmm.

I have got to record this for posterity.

Go back to the bit where you lost your dog. I haven't got time for this.

I must go upstairs and apologise to Molly for doubting her,

and tell her I'm quite happy for her to go on the sleepover. Erm... Erm? I mean, erm...

Well, maybe that could wait. All right, what's going on?

DOORBELL RINGS

Be right back.

PHONE RINGS

Agh!

Yes?

Oh, thank goodness!

Is he OK? Yes! Yes!

Tell Andrew not to worry, I'll be straight over.

Jimmy?

Jimmy?

CAR DRIVES OFF

Look, just take what you want and let me go. Sorry, Jimmy,

it's for your own good.

Bobby?

Kev?

Kev?

BANGING ON DOOR

He seems a little upset.

Get me out of here! We can't, boss, we know you're drinking again,

and as your best mates, we're staging an intervention.

See? I told you he'd be fine once we explained things.

BANGING ON DOOR

Let me out of here now!

Maybe I should explain again. I'll handle this.

Jimmy!

Jimmy, can you hear me?

Just wait a minute, Bobby, I've got to turn the telly down first.

Oh, no, wait, I can't. Cos I'm stuck in a dank prison cell!

Excuse me, that's my new flat you're talking about. Well, it's horrible.

I'm still choosing a colour scheme.

How about white with a hint of Kev's brains?

It's good to see he's not lost his sense of humour.

Jimmy, Kev and I have discussed

things and we think the only way

to get you clean and sober again is to go cold turkey.

I'm already clean and sober.

I can't remember the last time I had a drink!

Blacked out, did you?

No, I did not!

That's what they all say.

You can't fool us, Jimmy. You've been displaying all

the classic signs of alcoholism.

Except for actually drinking!

I think we can all agree that's one pretty big sign.

Kev said you practically cleaned out the off licence.

And you stink of ouzo, what are we supposed to think? Ah! Oh, I can explain th...

Look, the booze was Molly's.

I was taking it back to the shop, then I dropped a bottle of ouzo and it got on my trousers!

That does happen to me a lot.

So you're saying you haven't been

drinking? That we've got it all wrong

and blown things out of all sensible proportion?

Yes!

Are you thinking what I'm thinking?

Yep, denial.

The most conclusive evidence yet.

Sorry, Jimmy, you can't come out until you admit you have a problem.

Tea? Lovely.

That's it! I've had enough of this.

This really is a horrible flat.

KNOCK AT DOOR

Boss?

Well, there's no-one else in here, Kev.

Everything going OK, is it?

Kev, listen to me. It's really important that I get out of here.

Molly is due to go on a sleepover and if I don't stop her,

she's gonna spend the weekend in the country

with booze and boys and God knows what else.

Where is this party, exactly?

Right, that's it, I'm gonna kick this door down.

BANGING ON DOOR

Ow.

I'm warning you, this door is coming down.

BANGING ON DOOR

Hm. I've run out of feet.

It's even worse than we thought. I agree.

Time to call in the big guns.

PHONE RINGS

Diana Neil. May I help you?

'Diana, it's Bobby.' Bobby who?

'I must say, you have a lovely telephone voice.'

Oh, that Bobby.

'I'm afraid I've got some bad news about Jimmy.' Oh, really? Do tell!

Can I help you across the road, old lady?

As you wish.

SCREAMING

Looks like someone needs to learn a bit of responsibility. No! No!

Where is he?

Diana?

Step aside, the pair of you.

Ah! Ha-ha-ha! Oh, I can honestly say I have never ever been

so pleased to see you in all my life.

You'd like me to let go now, wouldn't you?

Yes, please.

These morons have had me locked in there all day.

With good reason. We've got evidence.

You can't have evidence because I'm not drinking again.

Tell them, Diana. Tell them what?

That I'm sober. How am I supposed to know that?

Diana! You're dressed like a tramp, you can barely string a sentence together,

your breath is hardly fragrant. A man in a stupor or just Jimmy?

Who can tell?

I would never risk what I've got with the kids for the sake of a drink.

It doesn't matter how upset I am or how much I miss Siobhan.

No-one's blaming you, Jimmy.

I am sober! Why won't anyone believe me?

I think you should keep him here for a few nights. A few ni...? No, no, wait. I've got to go home.

You were right about Molly. She is irresponsible, all she wants to do is get drunk.

Very nice, using your own daughter as an excuse to get out of here.

Give it up, Jimmy. I can smell beer on your breath.

That's your breath.

Classic transference. The whole point of an intervention is for you to admit you have a problem.

Oh, so if I admit I've been drinking you'll let me out of here? Yes!

Oh. OK, fine, fine - I admit it, I have fallen off the wagon.

I'm a drunkard, in fact I'm drunk now.

I've been drunk all day long on sodding rhubarb vodka. Happy now?

I think it lacked sincerity.

In you go. OK. Fine.

Hang on.

Diana, please tell me you know I haven't been drinking.

Of course I do. Then what was all that about?

Payback. You were very rude about my dog.

There you go, madam.

No need to thank me, responsibility is its own reward.

Sucker!

That was your bag, wasn't it?

Oops.

Molly's probably gone by now, thanks to you teaching me a stupid lesson.

Oh, get over it. I don't suppose you'd believe me if I said I was taking these to the off-licence?

Do you want to say it or shall I?

Let me.

You're grounded.

SHE SCREAMS FRUSTRATEDLY

Maybe I should have seen this coming.

I always make a mess of things.

You're doing all right, Jimmy. I can't even keep track of a small dog, let alone two teenage children.

But your dog is an evil genius. He's plotted his escape all along. There

was nothing you could have done.

I could have not left him on a bus.

Where is the dog anyway?

Oh, damn it, the taxi!

I must call the cab firm. OK, I'll alert the airports.

Do we have any matches?

Alex, what happened? Responsibility hit me in the face.

Now, where are we on those matches? What do you want them for?

Playing. Playing with matches. Irresponsibility, that's what I'm about now.

There you go, keep us posted.

I can't believe I went to all that effort to be responsible.

I even filled these bottles with water so Molly wouldn't get drunk.

Don't you still want to go to Amsterdam though? Nah, I looked it up on the Internet.

You are not gonna believe this. It turns out it's a hotbed of drugs and sex.

No, really?

Now, Bangkok on the other hand has an annual kite-flying festival and a solid gold Buddha.

DOORBELL RINGS

I'll get it.

We really must hide his passport.

Water. You needn't have hurried home after all.

Oh, what a shame, so I could have luxuriated in Guantanamo Bay a bit longer.

Cheers. Chin chin.

Kev, get the sack.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

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