Original subtitles

# After you've gone

# And left me crying

# After you've gone

# There's no denying

# Some day when you grow lonely

# Your heart will break like mine and you'll want me only

# After you've gone, after you've gone away. #

Mwaahhhh!

Mwahhhh!

Diana? What? What do you mean, what?

You're howling! It wasn't howling, Jimmy, I'm warming up my voice.

Is that all? I thought you had your hand stuck in the toaster.

Well, thank you for your concern but I'm limbering up for choral society.

Doing Peter and the Wolf, are you?

Without Peter.

Go ahead and mock me. At least I'm doing something with my life.

Ever since Siobhan dumped you, you've done nothing but mope around the house.

Don't you think it's time to move on?

How can I? Every time I go into the pub, Siobhan's behind the bar. Then go to a different pub.

I can't do that, I've been with that pub longer than I was with Siobhan!

You know, you really should get yourself out into the world again, get a hobby.

Look at me! I've got two, my singing and my self-defence.

Yeah, and without one you wouldn't need the other.

And Liam's got a car. Wow!

I know, the best thing about going with a sixth former.

Excellent.

Go on then, ask me about my new girlfriend.

Oh, yeah. What does she look like, what's her name?

She's so fit.

Her name's Hannah Pendleburton.

No, you are kidding.

I'm not, I have so scored.

Yeah, with Liam's sister!

What? It's the same surname.

So, there could be hundreds of Pendleburtons at our school.

Alex, we can't go out with a brother and sister.

It's sick in a bad way, you've got to dump her.

No way, this is love. Is it love with you and Liam?

Yeah. I told you, he's got a car.

Look, Molly, let's be fair about this, who started dating who first?

Me and Liam, definitely. I pulled Hannah last Tuesday.

What time Tuesday? Three twenty. You and Liam?

Half past two. I win. Half past two, during double physics? I think not.

OK, it was half past three. But I'm not splitting up with Liam. You don't have to.

I think us dating a brother and sister's a fun idea.

Ooh, dating a brother and sister, eh?

Yeah. I've got to go and make plans. Yeah, Hillbilly plans.

Well? It was an accident.

I don't want to talk about it.

Oh, come on, I've got experience in that department. You?

Yeah.

I went out with two sisters once.

Dad, that's totally not the same thing,

and I totally don't believe you.

So...

Look, just do us all a favour and go to the pub.

No, I'm all right, I'm all right.

What you doing?

I'm doing my homework.

Oh, OK. Ssh.

I'm just gonna stand here and watch.

Look, I've tried being nice, just get out.

FOOTBALL ON TV

Oh.

Hi, Jimmy. Hi, Siobhan.

How are you? I-I'm very well, thank you, how are you?

Good, good, I'm good.

Good.

Well?

Er, yes, I'm very well, thank you.

Oh, no, I meant well as in, would you like a drink?

Oh, er, yes, please, um, I'll have a Coke, please, if you don't mind, please. Thanks.

Of course I don't mind, Jimmy, it's my job.

So what do you think?

Well, I think every day in every way I am getting stronger.

I meant the big telly.

Oh, yeah, it's nice, Bobby, but I can watch telly at home and often do.

Yes!

Well, I've got slot machines and Karaoke too.

Fun, fun, fun.

It sounds horrible.

Hooray!

Kev, Kev, just a minute.

Which team are you supporting?

Both of them. That way I always win.

Come on, both of you.

Oh, thank you very much.

You're welcome, don't mention it.

How you doing, boss?

Well, I think I'm coping, considering, but I've got this...

Yes, that's it! Nice one...

Do you fancy a go on the karaoke later?

No, I don't.

I remember when this was a pub, not a theme park.

I wanna talk to my mates, I don't wanna have fun...

Bobby?

Oh, I'm going home.

YEAH!!

Yes!

Who needs a pub?

Still here? No, I'm not STILL here,

I'm BACK here.

I've been to the pub, but there's of these big televisions dominating the place,

no-one wants to talk to me any more.

Let me tell you about my evening.

You don't count.

I've been chosen by the choir master to sing a duet with him from La Boheme.

How absolutely tremendous(!)

I've always suspected I'm Mr Allardyce's favourite and now I know.

He can see I've got a rare gift.

Yeah, you can out-snob all the other snobs in your snobby society.

You're so prejudiced. Just because you're intimidated by people who are more cultured than you.

Intimidated, no! I'm a builder, I can talk to anyone.

I've worked for beggars and kings. Oh, really, which king?

The...French one,

Louis the fourteenth.

Creosoting Versailles, were you?

I could hold my own with your stuck-up choral society.

Ha! I'd love to see that.

Well, maybe you will. Will I?

Right. Right. Excellent. Fine.

You'll come with me next time?

Eh? Good, that's settled.

Will...will I have to sing?

It's a choral society, Jimmy, I'm not having you play the spoons.

Oh, it's not really my sort of thing.

Ah, wait a minute, Jimmy.

One, it will get you out of the house, two, it might actually broaden your mind... I doubt that.

And three, they're desperate for men - you'll be vastly outnumbered

by available, attractive women.

Posh totty, eh?

The poshest.

Well, how could I refuse? Wonderful.

Make sure you're dressed appropriately.

Oh, don't worry, I'll wear my best earplugs.

Oh, and same again, please, love.

I'll show Diana no-one intimidates me.

Oh, where's Siobhan? Out the back.

Oh, good.

Anyway, I'm going along for an audition tonight.

Wow. Save us tickets for your debut at the Albert Hall.

Oh, he won't want to know us then, we'll lose him.

Oh, no, no, I'll always make time for the little people, eh, Kev?

Kev?

Bobby, why is that thing on now anyway, there isn't even a match tonight!

Are you kidding? It's the European curling championships.

Curling?

How are you, Siobhan?

Fine. How many ends to go?

Only one more, you've just missed a brilliant hit and stay. No, gutted.

Did you see that come-around?

Yeah, magic.

A brother and sister double date?

I know, how cool is that! It's not.

It's creepy, it's wrong and it's not gonna happen.

And Friday night Liam and I are going for a drive in his car.

HIS car? Yes.

A-ha, I think you'll find the car in question actually belongs to Liam and Hannah.

He can't take it out anywhere without her agreement.

You've really looked into this, haven't you? I know.

Roll on Friday.

I think I'll take my bath now.

Hello, Patti, hello, Beryl. Did you bring the new arrangement?

Yes, Diana. Thank you. And who is this young man?

This is Jimmy Venables.

My daughter's ex, er, friend. Beryl, Patti.

BOTH: Hello.

New blood,

how exciting!

Aren't you hot?

Why don't you take your coat off?

You really should.

We could use some more mini quiches and another jug of lime cordial.

I'm not a waiter.

Diana, could I have a private word?

You told me to dress appropriately.

Yes, but you never asked me what appropriately meant, and I didn't

want to assume you didn't have a clue, what with you moving in royal circles. Very thoughtful.

And another thing, not one of these attractive available women is under 60.

What happened to my posh totty? They matured.

Look, if you feel out of your depth, you're free to go.

Oh, no, Diana, you don't win that easily.

Good evening, Diana.

Ah, this must be Jimmy.

Yes, Reuben. Jimmy, this is Reuben Allardyce, our lord and master.

How do you do. Hi. Always nice to see a few young faces here.

Yes, it would be.

I hear you're going to audition for us, marvellous.

Well, you haven't heard me yet.

So, so what have you prepared for us?

Prepared?

No matter, a spot of sight reading then.

Do you read?

Well, I read the Da Vinci Code on holiday.

A tremendous joke.

There you go.

Just sing what you see there on the page.

What do you see? Well, lots of

black dots and some squiggly things.

The untutored eye in all its glory.

Maybe I should just leave it.

No, no, nonsense, Jimmy.

Just sing a piece that you know.

Well, what sort of piece? Anything.

Something dear to your heart.

Oh, OK.

HE CLEARS HIS THROAT

# Is this the real life?

# Is this just fantasy?

# Caught in a landslide No escape from reality...

# Galileo, Galileo, Galileo, Galileo, Galileo

# Figaro magnifico-o-o-o

# I'm just a poor boy, nobody loves me

# He's just a poor boy from a poor family

# Spare him his life from this monstrosity

# Na-na-na-na-na-na-na

# Easy come, easy go Will you let me go?

# Bismillah...

# No, we will not let you go... # Let him go...

# We will not let you go Let him go...

# So you think you can stone me and spit in my eye?

# Diddly diddly dum da-dum

# So you think you can love me...

# Nothing really matters to me

# Any way the wind blows. #

CRASH

Bravo!

Thank you, thank you.

I was so embarrassed. They loved it.

I give you a chance, you show me up at my own choral society.

Well, you were just annoyed because you wanted to show ME up. Obviously.

And you promised me women, you didn't tell me they'd

be a gaggle of old biddies.

PHONE

Those old biddies happen to be my dearest friends and one of them...

It's Mr Allardyce. Oh.

He's asking for Dad. What?

Thanks, Mol.

Hello...

Yes...

I understand.

Yes.

Yes.

Yes.

It's a yes.

I've passed the audition, I'm in the choir.

Well done.

But you're not gonna go again, are you? Yeah, course I am.

Look, Jimmy, you came, you proved your point, now here's your fiver.

We didn't have a bet. Well, just

take it and that's the end of it.

No, no, you're not paying me off. I got in, I'm going.

Oh, Mr Allardyce is just being kind.

He must think he's doing me a favour.

No, you were right about me getting a hobby, Diana. Thank you.

But Jimmy, it's not really your thing.

I mean, what do you want with a gaggle of old biddies?

The same as you - to sing.

# Tra-la-la!

So on Friday we're all going on a double date together.

Jimmy, it's time to go if you're going.

That's lovely, Molly.

It's not lovely. Two brothers and two sisters, on a date, together.

It's like something you see in a circus.

Dad, Alex is making us all go on a double date.

Very cosy.

You know they're dating a brother and sister. Yes, isn't it sweet?

Maybe we should get their parents over. Gran!

Why stop there, let's get the grandparents round as well.

Might be a grandpa in it for you.

Am I the only one that thinks this is really weird?

Look, Molly, for the date.

Dad, please say something.

Got one in my size?

Good evening.

Oh, hello, Jimmy. No Tux tonight?

It's so exciting, having a dashing young buck amongst us.

We all thought your rendition of Bolivian Rhapsody was very powerful.

Thanks, it was nothing.

So it was you who discovered him, Diana. Yes, I just kicked over a log and there he was.

Would you like a cup of tea, Jimmy?

Er, yes, please.

Hot and sweet, like Beryl and me?

I'm going to get you an extra biscuit.

Ooh.

May I borrow him a minute, girls.

What?

You know it's not too late to leave, no-one will think any the less of you.

Are you kidding, I'm a singing sex god!

Now I know how Tom Jones feels.

Let's hope these ladies can keep their knickers on.

I feel nauseous.

Ah, Reuben.

And how is my young protege?

Oh, not too bad, thanks, Reuben.

A natural talent, Diana.

In fact, I'm thinking of stepping aside and letting Jimmy take my place in the duet with you.

Jimmy, me and Puccini? No, it will never work.

Oh, you're quite right, no more Puccini.

We're going to follow Jimmy's lead and reach out to the common man.

No offence, Jimmy.

Oh, none taken, Reuben.

I've discovered this dear little duet.

I found it on the Google.

Is this what the Allardyce choral society has become?

Inspired by Jimmy, yes.

I can't go through with this.

It's rampant dumbing down.

I'm sorry, Reuben, I'm afraid it's Jimmy or me.

I wonder if Patti would jump in.

I'll do it. I'm just expressing a few artistic qualms.

Yeah, Bobby, I was just telling Kev, this choir thing's working out really

well, they think I'm a natural.

It's winding Diana up something rotten.

Oh, and the women that go there, cor, loads of them.

Yeah, they offered me some tea, OK, and they said would I like it hot and sweet like them.

You see what they did there, they referred to themselves

as hot and sweet, eh?

Yeah, Patti, Judith, Beryl, phwoar.

Unusual names for young women.

Yeah, well, some of those old-fashioned names are coming back in. Not Beryl.

So telly still popular?

Yeah, but there's something wrong with the box

and all I can get is this Scandinavian channel.

Hey, Jimmy, come on, you're a singer now, have a go on my karaoke machine later.

Karaoke? I don't think so, Bobby.

I've got to go home and rehearse with Diana, we're doing a duet.

Oh, I'm sorry.

# I got you, babe

# I got you babe.

Come on, Jimmy.

# I got flowers...

You don't have to do that.

# ..spring

# I got you

# to wear my ring

# And when I am sa-ad

# You're a clo-own

# And if I get sca-ared

# You're always aro-ound...

Stop! Stop! What now?

That's horrible.

I'm trying to do it like Cher, a flower child, I'm trying to dig it.

Well, I wish you'd bury it.

Look, Jimmy why do we have to do this I Got You Babe?

I've got rabies, the way you sing it.

It's pure dumbing down - dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb.

No, I don't know that tune.

It's the soundtrack to your life, Jimmy.

Well, its no good blaming me, you know, I don't like this stuff either, I'm more of a rocker.

Led Zep, Bruce Springsteen, Meat Loaf.

Hey, why don't we do Bat Out Of Hell,

the soundtrack to YOUR life?

Oh, come on, we have to be brave.

HE SIGHS

OK, I'll give it a try.

Hold hands. I'm not THAT brave.

It's what Sonny and Cher did.

Sonny and Cher were getting paid.

Oh, buck up, Jimmy,

it's just a performance, an act.

# I got you to hold my hand

# I've got you to understand

# I got you to walk with me

# I've got you to talk with me

# I got you to kiss good night

# I've got you to hold me tight

Oops, wrong house.

Yeah, all these houses look the same. We should get a bigger number on the door.

Or a padlock and some barbed wire.

This is pointless.

Ever since I was a little girl it's always been my

dream to be a professional singer.

La Scala, Covent Garden, the Sydney Opera House.

I wanted to be showered with bouquets every night, I wanted to have the world at my feet.

It's quite a modest ambition, Jimmy.

Well, look, we'll just go there tonight and insist on another opera song. Come on, cheer up.

Oh, Jimmy, it's not the tacky song, it's not even your ghastly singing.

I worked so hard to impress Reuben and then you waltz in and he sees the light.

But you're still getting to sing though, that's the important thing.

Yes, but I'm nothing special, am I?

Well, I wouldn't put it like that.

I know how you'd put it.

But don't give up yet, Diana.

It's not over until the fat lady...

Not you, not you, Diana, I'm thinking of another lady and actually she's not even fat, so...

I'm gonna get ready.

Well, this isn't awkward at all(!)

Come on, Molly, it's cosy.

Isn't there any chance you could move your seat?

AAAGH!

Thanks, sis.

Let's have some music.

DANCE MUSIC

No, not this again, put on The Feeling. No chance.

Liam, turn it off. Forget it.

Listen to them, they're just like us.

This is getting even creepier.

And can you please take your knee out of my back?

It isn't my knee.

It's my elbow.

Ignore them.

Right, that's it, we're swapping seats, it's our turn in the back.

OK.

Well, wait for me to get out.

No, it's easier this way.

Hannah, you come through this way, Liam, you go through there.

Alex, just sit down.

There we go.

Nice one, genius.

# So put your little hand in mine

# There ain't no hill or mountain we can't climb...

Ah, Jimmy. Oh, right, ready for the off? Tonsils all tuned up?

I'm afraid I'm gonna have to give choir a miss tonight.

Something's cropped up at school, an emergency fundraiser.

We're desperately short of...protractors, it's chaos.

You're not serious? The choir needs you.

Oh, they'll muddle along without me.

They've got you...babe.

Make my excuses to Mr Allardyce.

Well, who's gonna put their little hand in mine?

Well, you'll have the choice between hot and sweet.

Hannah, shall I tell you something about Alex? Yeah...

No. He still sleeps with his teddy bear, little Lord Steven.

Oh, does he?

Alex, that is so adorable.

You know, Liam, I definitely think this should be our last double date.

I agree.

This is stupid, let me sit next to Liam.

OK, all change.

Worst date ever.

So you've had to come all by yourself. Oh, poor Jim-Jim.

Well, it's no big deal. Never mind.

I've baked you a lemon drizzle cake.

Oh, thanks.

You know, Diana's been a member for ten years. Really?

But she's never gelled with us the way you have.

Ten years? At least.

Of course, we think she has too much vibrato in her upper register. Definitely.

What do you think, Jimmy? Well,

I'm not really that technical, so...

Then let me show you.

I think I get it.

I need to speak to Mr Allardyce.

Speak, Maestro.

Ah, Reuben, I was just wondering whether Diana and I could go back to singing opera.

Mmm... And that maybe you could go back to singing the duet with Diana instead of me.

Jimmy, I've been having a little rethink of my own.

We completely drop the duet with Dame Diana.

Drop it? No, it means so much to her.

Well, I think she'll live.

But she really wants to do it. Forget

Diana, she just isn't in your class.

Well, there is that.

I want you to do a solo instead.

A solo?

No.

A rock solo.

Still no. Not even a little number by a certain Mr Springsteen?

Bruce Springsteen? The Boss? Mmm...

You really think I could pull it off?

Yes, I do. I'm thinking Born To Run.

You know what, Reuben,

I'm thinking the same.

I'll see you around.

I'm keeping the cake, though.

Oh, look, there's Liam.

Oh, there's Molly.

No, that's not Molly.

Oi, Pendleburton. No, wait, don't!

No-one messes with the Pendleburtons.

Well, how was it last night?

Are you still Reuben's golden boy?

No, I'm not in the choir any more.

Cake? What?

Got chucked out.

It's Beryl and Patti, isn't it?

What were you all up to? No, don't tell me, it's too sordid.

Actually, Mr Allardyce told me to leave.

He was firm but fair.

He said my voice wasn't up to it.

I am not and will never be another Pavarotti or Sonny Bono.

Poor Jimmy. He said the audition last week was a fluke, so...

It looks like you've got your choral society back.

Yes, I suppose I have.

Well, it was never really your thing, anyway, you're more of a rocker.

Yeah, yeah, that's me.

And your voice would never have stayed the course. No, maybe not.

And Reuben's right, you're only a second-rate talent at most.

I mean, I wouldn't put it like that.

You know, I think I'll go to the pub.

Hi, Siobhan. Hi, Bobby. Hi, Kev.

All right, what's on?

It's a Swedish soap.

Malmo 351.

Ingrid's just found Torsen in bed with Gunhille and her husband Olaf's hiding in the bathroom.

Which one's Ingrid? The blonde one.

Hello. I came to thank you, Jimmy, for your sacrifice.

Don't know what you mean. I think you do.

Reuben Allardyce just came by the house to try to talk you out of leaving the choir.

Ah, I see. I thought you might.

And you didn't send him straight round here to find me?

No, I said you'd emigrated. Drink?

Love one.

INTERFERENCE ON TV

Oh, no, they were just about to find out who shot Bjorn.

At last, now this place can get back to being a normal pub. We don't need a telly for entertainment.

Oh, look, Jimmy, a Karaoke machine.

What?

Come on, for old times' sake.

Kev, quick, we've got a telly to fix.

MUSIC STARTS

Come on, come on, come on!

# They say we're young and we don't know

# Won't find out unti-i-il we gro-ow... #

# After you've gone

# And left me crying

# After you've gone

# There's no denying

# Some day when you grow lonely

# Your heart will break like mine and you'll want me only

# After you've gone, after you've gone away. #

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk