Original subtitles

# After you've gone

# And left me crying

# After you've gone

# There's no denying

# Some day when you'll grow lonely

# Your heart will break like mine and you'll want me only

# After you've gone

# After you've gone away. #

Now he's just asked if she'll wear the Wonder Woman outfit.

And she's telling him no, because it's really creepy.

I bet he's saying it might be fun, though.

Jimmy, I'm not dressing up as Wonder Woman.

We're talking those two.

Hey, check out the group of pensioners.

Let's pretend they're in a lifeboat deciding who to eat first.

Oh, I like that.

I've got good news. Yeah, not now, Kev,

we're just deciding which one of them is gonna be eaten.

Ah, stranded in the lifeboat, good one.

The one in the blue jacket looks juicy.

That'll have to wait.

I have an announcement to make.

I got engaged.

To do what?

To get married.

Congratulations.

Kev, that's wonderful.

That's downright incredible.

I didn't even know you were seeing anyone. Yep, sort of a whirlwind romance.

I've been seeing the future Mrs Kev for two weeks, that's all it took.

How long have you two been together, boss?

Oh, it's, er, longer than two weeks.

Much, much longer. Seems like forever.

So, how did you meet the lucky lady?

I met Tina in the chip shop.

Our hands reached for the same bottle of vinegar.

You could say it was destiny.

Or you could say you both wanted vinegar.

Check out the rock.

I'll have to get it properly sized for her.

Oh, Kev, it's beautiful,

isn't it, Jimmy? Well, it's all right.

If you like diamonds.

You see, when you said rock, I pictured an actual rock.

May I? Knock yourself out.

Oh, a girl could get used to this.

Oh...

Yep.

All right...

Give it back.

Now. Just a minute.

Kev, how can you afford that on what I pay you?

It belonged to my grandmother.

I'm surprised it fits you - Gran's nickname was "sausage fingers".

And back to you.

This is cause for a celebration. Bobby, drinks all round.

Oh, boss, you don't have to do that.

Oh, come off it, nothing's too good for my mate.

Of course, since Bobby actually owns this place he could just give away the drinks for free.

Hey, everybody, drinks are on Jimmy.

Are you all right, love? Jimmy, we need to talk.

Ooh, just remembered, got an appointment.

Er, no, you're not gonna avoid this. Meaning what?

Meaning how you disappear whenever I want to have a little talk.

I do not!

Oh, look how happy Kev is.

Jimmy. Damn it!

Cheeky monkey, what are YOU wearing?

Er, jeans and a blue t-shirt.

I'm not talking to you, I'm chatting online. I'd be careful with that.

One minute you're chatting with a 16-year-old model, the next minute you're at a Holiday Inn in Swindon

finding out that Chloe is really a 40-year-old mechanic called Malcolm.

It happened to a friend.

Don't worry, Mark's an old acquaintance.

I found him on one of those find-a-friend websites.

Look, he's included a photograph, he's still very handsome.

He's no Des Lynam.

What the heck, I'm sending a note and arrange a meeting.

Alex, I'm gonna kill you!

I sense something's troubling you.

Stop snooping through my stuff and taking things that aren't yours.

I have no idea what you're talking about. I found this in your room.

Ah, mmm, so it's OK for you to snoop through my things.

This is my CD.

Actually, it's just your case, I lost the CD.

You wanna have more respect for your things.

Gran, Alex is being a complete...

Alex. I'm busy, Molly. Ooh, flirt!

She's just trawling for men online.

Urgh, gross.

I don't need your advice anyway, I've already written to Aunt Daisy.

You haven't got an Aunt Daisy. She's the agony aunt for the school paper.

She's always there for me, so I don't need you. I'm so glad I could help.

Hi, Molly, how's it going?

I'm really hacked off with Alex, and Gran, and probably you later.

OK, looking forward to it.

SHE GIGGLES

OK, that's really creepy. There's nothing creepy about it.

I found an old flame on the web.

And what's the not creepy part?

I often wondered what happened to Mark, what he did for a living,

if he married, if he ever wondered about me.

He's the one who got away.

Surprised there was only one.

Did he have to chew his own leg off?

PHONE RINGS

Oh, get that, would you?

Oh, hello, Siobhan.

Yes, he's right here.

Hi, love. Yeah, sorry, can't talk, I'm in the shower.

No, I don't mean Diana's in the shower with me, I mean I've just got out and I'm in a towel,

I'm dripping wet and I've got something in the microwave. Ding! Oh, it's ready, better go, bye.

Really, is that the best you can do, "ding"?

I panicked.

Why are you avoiding Siobhan?

Why is the sky blue? Some things are just a mystery.

The sky is blue because of Rayleigh scattering.

As light moves through the atmosphere the longer wavelengths

pass straight through, however, the much shorter wavelength light..

Kev is getting married.

Oh. That's wonderful news.

Did the poor girl lose a bet?

Diana, this is serious, don't you see? Now Siobhan will want to get married, she almost said as much.

Well, what did she say? "Hey, Jimmy, I've given up on true happiness so let's get hitched."?

No, she said she wanted to have a talk.

You mean she wants to have a conversation with you?

Mmm, sounds ominous, doesn't it?

Sounds ambitious, Jimmy.

She stressed the word "talk". There was a distinct inflection in her voice. The meaning was clear.

I think maybe you're putting the cart before the horse.

You weren't there when Kev showed off the engagement ring.

She was like a totally different woman.

It was like Dr Jekyll and Mrs Marry Me.

This is all Kev's fault. Yes, it's pretty selfish of Kev to fall in love and get engaged.

Some friend he turned out to be.

Anyone mind if I have the last apple? I'm just not ready for that sort of commitment.

Yeah, maybe you're right. I'll just have a yoghurt.

Your father and I are discussing marriage.

The two of you?

Not us, me and Siobhan!

Oh, ah, right.

It's probably for the best, I mean, let's face it, urgh, it's a bit gross.

Listen, Jimmy, if you keep avoiding Siobhan you'll never find out what she really has to say.

That's the plan. I just have to hold her off until Kev gets married,

the relationship goes sour and they get divorced - maybe three weeks.

Well, if you want my advice you'll stop trying to dodge her and tell her

how you really feel and be honest, that's the most important thing.

Now, I'm off to get waxed.

You don't have to be honest about THAT.

Maybe your gran's right.

Gran is dead wrong.

Avoid Siobhan as long as it takes, never tell her how you really feel and whatever you do don't be honest.

Alex, this is grown-up stuff.

Now, I don't expect you to understand how adult relationships work. Go on.

If you tell Siobhan exactly how you feel, chances are she'll be hurt,

so, in a way, by lying to her you're actually helping her.

I lie because I care.

Yeah, that makes sense.

But I've seen you avoid things, Dad. Remember when Molly wanted to talk to you about that skiing trip?

You hid in the cupboard for two hours.

You're like a ninja who does absolutely nothing.

I could have gone longer. Remember when you wanted that puppy?

What? Nothing.

No, thank you, Alex, it's been a big help. Don't mention it.

Turns out I have quite a knack for giving people advice.

In fact, I'm gonna let you in on a little secret.

Uh-huh.

I'm Aunt Daisy.

It's all right, Alex,

you are still my son.

No, I'm the agony aunt for the school paper. Oh!

Now you know my secret identity.

I've got all these people crying out for my help. It's like I'm Batman.

I can see where this is going, Alex, and I'm not going to buy you an Aunt Daisymobile.

Thanks for not taking me seriously.

I am. So how do people get in touch? Big white daisy symbol in the sky?

All right, this one is from Angry of Year 10.

She's got an annoying brother who's always snooping and borrowing her things.

I told her to spit in his yoghurt.

Bit extreme, isn't it?

It's not easy being a hero.

So, how's your yogurt, Alex?

Fine.

Tastes of raspberry.

With a hint of tobacco.

Bobby, is Siobhan in?

Sorry, she's not on till later. Ah, in that case I'll have a Coke.

PHONE RINGS

Siobhan.

Are you gonna answer? No, I'm enjoying our conversation far too much to interrupt it!

Well, now the pressure's on.

Hey, fellas, this is Tina.

Hiya. Tina, I would like you to meet my best man.

Hi, Tina, I'm... Bobby.

What? And that's Jimmy.

Ah, the backup, hi.

Kev, I'm deeply honoured.

Did you hear that, Jimmy?

I'm the best man. Yes, I did.

He could have picked anybody, but he's picked me!

I have so many ideas about our big day.

What are our colours gonna be?

What do you think?

I thought I was your best friend.

You are, but let's face it, you lack certain qualities that Bobby offers, like he runs a pub.

Oh, I see.

So you sold me out for beer? And crisps.

This one's on the house. Bobby, what about my Coke? £1.50.

Kev's done really well.

She's classy, pretty, smart.

What do you think's wrong with her?

Well, she can't be in it for the money or the conversation.

She needs a passport.

No, she's from Guildford.

Maybe she needs a kidney. She fell on her head as a child?

Well, they'd both have something in common.

There's always the possibility that Kev's an amazing lover.

My money's on the kidney.

Jimmy's got kidney.

I'll take elaborate practical joke.

Jimmy, fancy meeting you here. Hi, Siobhan.

I've been ringing your mobile all day.

Oh, er, battery must be dead.

Oh, it's just as well, I wanted to talk to you in person anyway.

MOBILES RINGS

That's not mine.

Well, it can't be mine, because my battery's dead.

Just answer it.

Hello, I'll have to call you back because my battery's dead.

Oh, forget it.

Is that Kev's fiance?

She looks so...normal.

I know, we can't work it out.

You see, that's the thing about love, you can't work it out.

Maybe she's on day release.

Look how sweet they are together.

Oh, she's just happy to see the sky.

Listen, we really do need to have a chat.

I know, I know, I'd love to, but I've really got to get going.

I'll tell you what, why don't you call me?

This one tastes a bit funny, too.

Maybe you should try another one.

Hello, children. Ooh, looks like someone's been shopping. What did you get us?

Actually, this is for me.

Wow! You like it?

It's for my date with Mark.

We're having lunch, but who knows, maybe even dinner.

It's beautiful, and the colour is perfect for you, he's gonna love it.

And what's not to love?

You're attractive, intelligent, giving...

I really didn't get you anything.

What, not even a pair of socks?

Keep the bag if you want to.

It may not be big enough to hold my disappointment.

Do you think it makes me look a bit loose? No.

Damn.

What you reading? Aunt Daisy - she's so wise.

Yes, yes, she is. I mean, if Aunt Daisy is indeed a she.

Is this gum?!

Well, look at that! You do have a reflection.

Be honest with me, have I changed much since we've known each other?

No, you've always been difficult.

I meant, have I aged?

Emily Dickinson said we turn not older with years but newer every day.

She was full of crap.

What are you doing? Seeing what I'd look like with a face lift.

Pretty ridiculous.

It's been so long since I've seen Mark.

He was my first boss, you know?

And I'm not the young woman he fell for. Why, what was her name?

Oh, come on. Mark will be older, too.

Yes, but men always age better.

Some men, anyway.

I resent that, Diana. I've still got my boyish good looks.

It's so easy to confuse boyish with childish.

Jimmy, what are you doing?

Nothing.

A little nip and tuck?

What, this? No, I can explain this.

You see I was just, er... taping something together,

and accidents happen.

Let me help you with this.

Jimmy?!

Where's Jimmy?

You've just missed him.

Jimmy, this is silly.

Look, you can't hide from me forever, you know?

Jimmy, I know you're up here.

Hello, Jimmy.

HE SQUEAKS

I've been looking for you!

Oh, save it.

OK. What do you wanna talk about?

I think you already know.

Look, Siobhan, I've been mulling it over and if you really think

that the time is right, then I suppose I'm OK with it. Really? Yeah!

I mean, we've been through a lot together, it seems almost inevitable somehow.

Well, I'm so relieved you feel that way.

Then we're agreed. Yeah.

We won't see each other any more.

Yeah... What?

We're breaking up.

Oh.

Oh.

Jimmy, are you OK?

Yeah, fine. Yeah, I mean,

I won't lose any sleep over it.

MUSIC: Orchestral version of 'The Long And Winding Road'

MUSIC SCREECHES TO A HALT

MUSIC STARTS UP AGAIN

I've made a terrible mistake.

You need to be more specific, Jimmy.

I mean about Siobhan.

I don't blame her for ending things. Well, admitting it is the first step.

Now you just need to win her back.

I'm gonna do something extreme, something grand and romantic.

Are you going to propose?

Well, I was thinking flowers AND chocolates.

I don't think that will cut the mustard this time, Jimmy.

No, you're right. Well, I'm gonna do whatever it takes, I'm gonna win Siobhan back.

Bobby, where's Siobhan? She's gone, Jimmy, let her go.

Have some dignity, man.

What about a Coke? I'll throw a cherry in it for you.

£1.75.

She's not here then?

Well, she's probably at home trying her best to cope.

CHEERFUL WHISTLING

Hi, Jimmy.

Some say that whistling is a cry for help.

Ah, the wheel of fortune.

Your misery is counterbalanced by my joy.

Well, I'm glad I could help. How is Tina?

Wedding's off, boss.

Her father dumped a huge pile of cash in my lap to just go away.

It was to spite the father.

Who had spite the father?

Well, you're taking it well.

Well, I'm not gonna lie to you, it hurt.

The good news is she's got a sister. Ker-ching!

Siobhan, I'm glad I've found you. You could always find me, Jimmy, that was never the problem.

Look, look, I just need to take you somewhere and talk. Please.

All right, where? It's a surprise.

Eh! Is that my iPod? Yes.

But not your earphones. Ah, no, wait, they are.

These letters are addressed to Aunt Daisy. Where did you get them from?

Don't bother looking for an escape.

I'm faster than you, I will take you down and hurt you.

That's pretty bold talk for a girl.

I'm Aunt Daisy!

All this time I was thinking Aunt Daisy's this wise and insightful person, and it's you!

Er, guilty as charged.

I can't believe I actually took advice from you.

You did? I'm Angry of Year Ten, the one with the stupid brother who gets into all her stuff.

That was you?!

May I help you? Hello, Diana!

Jimmy, I just want you to know I have a very good sense of direction,

we took two lefts, a right, a slight veer, hit a couple of roundabouts and... Look, where the hell are we?

Bobby and Kev know I left with you.

Am I on a boat? Because you know I can't swim.

VIOLINIST PLAYS 'The Long And Winding Road'

When did you learn the violin?

I didn't. I hired him from the Royal College of Music.

I just thought you might like a romantic view of London.

Jimmy, this is amazing.

I mean, it's so...so...

Unlike you.

Have you dropped something? What we looking for?

Well, I don't know about you,

but I'm looking for someone to spend the rest of my life with.

What? Siobhan...

I'm really sorry that I've taken you for granted for... Well, pretty much ever since we met,

but that's because I'm comfortable with you,

and I know things aren't always perfect between us,

but they're usually pretty good.

Will you marry me?

What, and make you the most comfortable man in the world?

Yeah.

I'm sorry, Jimmy.

I really appreciate the offer, really, and if you'd asked me

a couple of weeks ago I'd have probably said yes.

But that whole pregnancy scare made me think about us, and you're right.

Yeah, things are pretty good.

But I deserve more than pretty good,

and so do you.

No, I don't. Hey, come on, don't get upset.

I'm not upset.

Who's upset? Are you upset?

The truth is you'd get tired of me getting up early every morning

and hoovering while you're trying to sleep.

Or how I'm always making plans without asking you first.

Yeah, I suppose you're right. Phew!

Saved me from a huge mistake, eh?

Yeah, well, not huge.

Well, I feel a bit silly now, you know, going to all this trouble.

Getting him to play our tune.

That's not our tune.

Long and Winding Road.

No, our tune is Pour Some Sugar On Me by Def Leppard.

Is it?!

Well...

How much longer do you reckon?

Well, the whole thing takes about 40 minutes.

Oh, right.

Oh, that'll fly by.

You know, you look exactly like you did the day we met.

And you, you look...

Did you do something with your hair?

Toupee. Don't tell anyone.

It'll be our secret.

I must say you look a little different from your photo on the website.

Just think, if it hadn't been for the web probably we wouldn't be here right now.

Yes. I'm going to send them a thank you note.

Give me some wine, quickly.

Red or white? Both.

I've been thinking a lot about the last time we were together.

We were dancing to a song, I believe it was...

# Strangers in the night exchanging glances... #

Yes, that's the one.

# Wandering the night What were the chances

# We'd be sharing love before the night was through... #

Bravo.

# Something in your eyes was so inviting

# Something in your smile was so exciting... #

It's quite nice up here, actually.

Yeah.

What are you thinking about?

I'm just wondering how thick that glass is.

You're not thinking of jumping, are you?

No, I'm thinking of throwing him out.

VIOLIN SCREECHES

# Ever since that night we've been together

# Lovers at first sight In love forever

# Things turn out all right For strangers in the night. #

Well?

She said no. Oh, Jimmy.

I'm sorry.

Well, looking on the bright side, I think I saw our house.

You were right, though,

good to take a chance.

Well...

What happened? You didn't live up to Mark's expectations?

He didn't live up to mine.

It turns out my old flame is older than the Olympic torch.

You've got a stain there.

Oh, that would be drool.

Mark has trouble controlling his saliva.

That's not so bad.

He's also got metal hips, a bad wig and lovely teeth, when he's got them in.

It's like dating Dorian Gray's portrait.

I take it you didn't, er...

Sleep together? No.

Well, he slept,

during the second course.

At least, I thought he was sleeping.

Fortunately the paramedics arrived and resuscitated him.

Well, that is fortunate. You don't want to be stuck with the bill.

Even better than that, the nice young paramedic asked me for my number.

I've still got it! Good for you.

Excuse me, can I go home now?

No, I've hired you until six. Now play.

HE PLAYS 'The Long And Winding Road'

# After you've gone

# And left me crying

# After you've gone

# There's no denying... #

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk