Original subtitles

# After you've gone

# And left me crying

# After you've gone

# There's no denying

# Some day when you grow lonely

# Your heart will break like mine and you'll want me only

# After you've gone

# After you've gone away. #

That's a nice one, Dad and Gran.

Oh, dear, Jimmy, what's happened to your happy face? That IS my happy face.

He's looking grumpy cos Mum's getting married to Howard.

I was not grumpy. My ex-wife was tying the knot with Doctor Perfect, the patron saint of charity workers.

Don't worry, he cheers up later.

LAUGHTER

Next picture.

LAUGHTER

Next picture!

And there's Siobhan.

Ah, it'll be your turn next, Dad.

You wouldn't say that at a funeral.

Jimmy! Next picture!

That's that, then.

If only. He's got another 800 photos of the cake.

I meant Ann and Howard.

It's done, they're married, out in Africa for good.

So, it's just you, me and the kids now.

It is, isn't it?

Their dad and their gran shaping those young lives, together for the long haul. Sleep well.

Do you know, Jimmy, it doesn't seem like 25 years since Ann moved to Africa.

How time flies.

If you say so, Diana. Molly, dear, breakfast.

Morning.

How are the twins? How should I know?

I'm a bad mum, remember?

Here, Dad, look after these two.

I am off down the boozer.

Good morning, Grandmama.

Good morning, oik. Morning, son.

And what legal delight does the day hold for you?

Urgh, I'm prosecuting some ghastly little builder for breaching Health and Safety regulations...

Oh, wait...

It's you!

Erm, Diana...

Did somebody speak?

I was wondering if I might watch the telly tonight.

It's...the World Cup Final.

Certainly not!

You'll be in the way.

Wolfgang and I will be practising tantric sex.

In the living room? Yes.

We need the extra space, isn't that right, Wolfgang?

Yes, my little schnitzel.

Now Jimmy, would you mind if I turned off your life support?

Wolfgang needs to dry his hair.

STEADY TONE

Ugh!

Aaaahhhhhh...!

AAAAAH...!

DOORBELL RINGS

Molly, Alex, five minutes.

I can't find my folder.

It's down here. Well, why didn't you tell me?

I was deliberately hiding it from you.

Dad, where's my bag?

Er, upstairs in your bedroom.

Correct.

HAMMERING ON THE DOOR

Jimmy!

Jimmy, let me in!

Why did you bolt the door? Cos I want you to ring the doorbell.

Why? We need boundaries.

If you and I are gonna survive the long haul, we need to lay down ground rules,

starting with you don't just walk into the house. Oh, don't be silly.

If you want to come in, ring the doorbell and I will let you in.

But I've got keys. And I've got a bolt. Ring the doorbell.

But the door is open. So it is.

Three minutes. Alex, your breakfast's on the table. I'm doing something.

Yes, living on borrowed time. Sit!

DOORBELL RINGS REPEATEDLY

DOORBELL STILL RINGING

Was that the doorbell? I wonder who that could be?

You may have won the battle, Jimmy, but not the war.

It's not a war. Good, then you surrender.

You may mock, Diana...

Huh, I need permission for that now, do I?

I'm serious.

This is the birth of a whole new Jimmy Venables.

Surely one's enough.

Hi, Gran. Mmm, I see you've cooked the breakfast.

It's not as good as yours, Gran.

Never mind her. I'm your father now and I'm running this household. You?

I'm gonna make a success of this and I'm gonna do it my way.

Well, which?

Now that I've moved into this house for good, you can be like a normal grandmother.

Come round every four weeks or so, move to Eastbourne.

LAUGHTER

Put us in your will.

I thought we were a partnership.

There's been a boardroom coup.

From now on, I'm gonna be a proper father to these kids

and I'm gonna do it on my own.

Whoa, don't we get a choice in this?

Yeah, Dad, we've seen you work.

If past performance is an indicator of future returns, we're doomed.

You're not doomed, you're grounded.

See, can do it.

All right, good for you, go ahead.

Take the burden of running this house on your broad and manly shoulders. It's all yours.

Thank you. All the housework. Fine.

Cooking the meals.

Good. Doing the laundry. Yes.

And the ironing. Right.

Helping the children with any problems they might have.

Excellent. Intimate personal problems

pertaining to relationships, sexual etiquette. I'm fine with that.

Feminine hygiene, gender confusion, nocturnal boyhood happenings.

That's enough! I knew you'd try and put me off, but I am ready for anything

and I'm gonna stick at this as long as I have strength in my body. Splendid.

Have a lovely three days.

SHE CACKLES

Dad. Mmm.

I have a question about feminine hygiene.

LAUGHTER

Bobby? What do you think?

There's a pool table blocking the way. Lovely, isn't it?

Fantastic. When are you gonna unwrap it?

Are you joking? I wanna keep it nice. So what d'you buy it for?

I wanted to create a relaxed friendly atmosphere.

Don't touch that!

Wouldn't it be better to, I don't know, let people play pool on it?

Then I'd have to take the plastic off.

Hi.

Oh, hi, Siobhan.

Jimmy, erm, I'm late.

Oh, blimey, does that mean you're pregnant?

Maybe.

What?

No, I was only joking.

So, you mean, you're... ..late.

In the sense of... Yes.

Oh.

Oh! Oh, oh, that's brilliant, a baby.

Cor, well, I'll be there for you

all the way, Siobhan. It's fantastic.

No, it's not. Isn't it?

No.

I can't afford it, you can't afford it, and besides,

Your hands are full with Molly and Alex. We're not ready for this.

No... No, you're right. We're not ready for this.

Oh, dear. Oh, God, what are we gonna do?

Oh, thanks for your support. That IS my support.

Look, I don't know what you want me to say.

Well, how about saying what you really feel.

OK, I feel...

..got at and I want to go home.

Or...I...I will stay...

..because you complete me.

Or... You see this is why I call you my rock.

Look, Siobhan,

don't take this the wrong way, but

are you sure it's mine?

And what exactly would be the right way to take that?

You choose.

Of course it's yours. I can feel it dithering!

I am not dithering.

You said you weren't sure, so...

Have you peed on one of those stick things?

No, I'm too nervous to pee. Well, then, shouldn't you

make sure before you...

What? Come bothering YOU?

I'm sorry, sorry.

It's my hormones are all over the place.

I've got all this stuff going on at home. I've got to make a go of that

otherwise Diana'll get her feet under the table again

and do you know, thinking about it, she did give in a little too easily.

Oh, it's all right, Jimmy. No, you worry about your problems and I'll worry about mine.

Oh, and it seems, yours. Mmm?

Thanks, love.

Kev, I'm off.

Wow, you are in a mess.

What?

What with Siobhan being late and you having to do more at home

because you don't want Diana to get her feet under the table.

How did you know that?

LAUGHTER

I've been to the spy shop.

Kev, my private conversations are private.

Not any more, boss.

We're living in the surveillance society.

Yes, it's you surveilling me.

Look at it this way. If the secret state is listening to me, I'm gonna get my retaliation in first.

Kev, that makes no sense whatsoever.

Aha, that's what they want you to think.

Mind control, black ops, MK Ultra...

Ooh, sorry, boss,

there's a guy over there talking about his gallstone problem.

Ooh, ooh.

Have you tried ginseng?

LAUGHTER

Alex, your breakfast is on the table.

Urgh, this has still got bits of yesterday's egg on it.

I'm trying to save time in the mornings.

We'll all have the same plate every day and a great big Saturday wash-up.

Except it won't be big, because we'll only have used three plates.

Clever, hey. Yeah, really clever. Well, why stop there?

Why not just make us wear the same clothes every day?

I'm way ahead of you.

My shirt hasn't been ironed. I know, it hasn't been washed either. Up...

Oh, rank! You know what, you

could always do your own laundry.

Ah, it's not so bad.

Erm, listen carefully, kids.

Er, it's early days yet, but, erm, I might have a bit of news.

Good news, you know, but, erm, well, it just means we might have to make

some adjustments.

Don't tell me. You've got Siobhan up the duff.

No, no, no, no, no.

You have, haven't you?

Well, yeah.

Well, no.

Well... possibly.

Don't tell your gran.

Oh, please let me, Dad, it'll make her so happy to have another stick to beat you with.

Haven't you heard of contraception?

Well, of course I have and you gave me this talk, like, years ago.

DOORBELL RINGS

That'll be your gran.

It's not bolted.

You can let yourself in.

You'd like that! You said I had to ring on the doorbell

and ring on the doorbell I shall.

DOORBELL RINGS

I'll go, Dad, you've got enough to worry about already.

You know, Dad, sometimes when a man starts a new family with another partner he often tries to compensate

by being exceptionally generous to the children he's already got.

Don't worry, Moll, there's no danger of that.

Damn it. Just a friendly visit, no agenda.

Good. So, what's it like running

the house single handed? Perfect.

It's a breeze. The plates are dirty.

He won't do the laundry. He cleaned the toilet with a blowtorch.

Well, it's

been lovely, Diana, and as I say feel free to pop in whenever you like.

Visit your grandchildren, snipe, but now is not a great time.

The kids have got to go to school and I'm sure you've

got some milk to curdle.

Wait, there's something I have to tell you.

You as well?

LAUGHTER

It's a miracle!

Me as well what?

On that note, school.

Well? You said you wanted to do

this on your own... That's right.

Well, I'm doing my bit to help you.

Go on. I've cancelled all my direct debits.

What direct debits?

You know, the ones for this house.

Gas, electricity, telephone bill, Council Tax.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Ann pays those.

When Ann moved to Africa,

out of the kindness of my heart, I arranged to pay the bills.

Don't you ever look at the statements?

Well, of course I look at them, but...

they all say the same thing, "You need do nothing."

It's a gas bill, Jimmy, not a guide for life.

So are you telling me you've been paying all the bills?

Well, I could make it simpler, but I left my crayons at home.

Behind my back?

How dare you, and how dare you stop?

Look, if you want to take charge, you have to take the responsibility that goes with it.

Oh, oh, you're enjoying this, aren't you?

Yes, and saving money at the same time.

Ta-ta.

LAUGHTER

Bit of a pickle, eh, boss?

Oh, come on, Bobby, you're gonna have to take it off sometime.

Do it quickly and it won't hurt as much, like pulling off a plaster.

There you are. Treat her gently.

Where are the cues?

And we're gonna need some balls.

Please. It's too soon.

Here, boss, I'll get these.

Well, if you're offering.

Feeling the pinch? Oh, you're telling me.

I've got to find an extra £300 a month. Don't worry.

Diana will soon come round.

I don't want her to come round, that's the whole point.

I want to prove to her that I can pay my way without any help.

Can I have a sandwich as well?

I could have sworn I put six fresh toilet rolls in there this morning.

Hi, Siobhan. Hi, Jimmy.

Erm, Kev, would you mind if we...

Say no more, boss.

I can see you need your privacy.

I'll leave you to it.

LAUGHTER

So, did you manage to pee on that stick thing?

Yes, eventually nature and ten pints of Orangina took its course.

And? I'm not telling you. You're not... why?

If it's negative, you'll be relieved and that'll upset me.

If it's positive, you'll panic and that'll upset me too,

so I've decided to delay all the upset until after a proper test.

Of course. You're absolutely right and whatever you decide, I'll back you up.

Whatever I decide?

No, we're in this together, mate.

I know, I just thought... woman's right to choose and all that.

Which is another way of saying man's right to run a mile.

I can't say anything right. Jimmy, I'm not in the mood.

If you'd said that before, we wouldn't be in this mess!

LAUGHTER

See, you're warm now.

Layers, that's the answer.

Another answer is to turn on the central heating.

Ah, ah, ah, ah...

Pick a channel and stick with it.

Batteries cost money.

But, Dad, it's a documentary on zinc.

Look, if you really want to change the channel, get up and walk over.

That'll keep you warm.

It is quite interesting. Maybe I'll give it a chance.

Wait a minute,

I can hear running water.

Aah...

Got ya!

But I just want a clean plate.

No. There is no hot water until Wednesday.

Then you can do as much washing-up as you like, between the hours of 7.30 and 8.15. Really?

OK. How do we keep clean?

You go swimming.

Where are you going? Outside. It's warmer.

Lights!

OUTSIDE DOOR SHUTS

LAUGHTER

Channel Five. It's really warm.

CLASSICAL MUSIC

'That was the violin concerto in E minor by Mendelssohn.

'Now the news. Two teenagers have died today because they did not see enough of their gran.

'Yes, Diana, Molly and Alex Venables have died and it's your fault.

'And now back to the soothing music, murderer.'

Right, I'll let you lads get on then.

Kettle's over there

and feel free to use the fridge.

Thanks, Mr Davy. We'll see you later.

Right, let's get started.

What are you doing, boss?

I'm saving money.

I think you're taking this a bit far.

Look, I might have another mouth to feed soon.

Put that in the fridge, would you? What?

I've turned mine off while I'm out.

Well, the less power I use at home, the lower my bill will be.

Do you want me to fold? No, you're all right, mate.

You get on with your surveillance. Cheers, boss.

Ah, two pensioners at a bus stop.

Surveillance gold.

Oh...!

Who turned the fridge off? Wasn't there a chicken in there?

Probably moved out.

LAUGHTER

God, I'm hungry.

Result. Isn't it beautiful?

I'll share it with you.

Ugh, gross!

Wait a minute...

can you smell bacon? You're hallucinating.

Someone's posting us bacon.

Maybe it's the Red Cross.

You're definitely hallucinating.

Come and see.

Wow...

Hello, children.

Diana, it's me. Listen, Molly and Alex, haven't come home from school.

They're not answering their phones, I'm worried sick.

It's all right, they're with me.

Oh, thank God. Well, why didn't they phone me?

Molly said they didn't want to waste electricity.

But their tea's ready. I'm giving them their tea here.

Hello... I've sweated blood over this meal.

LAUGHTER

Can you put Alex on, please?

Alex, your father wants a word.

Tell him I can't budge till my food's gone down.

Well, put Molly on then.

Molly...

Hi, Dad. Molly, I absolutely demand categorically that you come home at once.

Sorry, Dad. we like it here. Gran's got her lights on and everything.

And a sauce bearnaise to die for.

They're not exactly being held hostage.

You haven't heard the last of this, Diana, I've got rights.

And I've got central heating.

There, that sorted him out.

Don't be too hard on him, Gran. He's had a lot to think about lately.

Yes, all the things that I had to think about.

No, I mean...personal stuff.

Hey, he told us not to tell Gran.

Tell me what?

LAUGHTER

Is it all right to take another shot now?

Very well, but be careful.

Mind the cushion. Come on, Bobby!

You're putting us off.

I thought this pool table would be a nice touch.

Relaxing, and look at me.

I'm on a razor's edge, you're walking on eggshells, this is no longer a happy pub.

Not too hard!

Kev, is Siobhan around?

How should I know? I know nothing these days.

The lives of others are a closed book to me.

Well, what happened to the great eavesdropper?

Ah, spying's a mug's game, Jimmy.

Do you know

I found out something that would have been better left undiscovered.

Everyone in this pub thinks I'm a nosey tosser. Very hurtful.

Well, don't worry, Kev. I've heard you called worse.

Thanks, boss.

Siobhan, how'd it go?

Good news. You're off the hook. The test was negative.

Oh. It's all right, Jimmy.

Punch the air, do a little dance. I won't be offended.

Actually, I'm a bit disappointed.

Come on, Jimmy, a baby? It's too soon.

Well, there's no reason why we can't try for one, deliberately this time.

With you?

Why not? Well...

..we haven't got the time, my shift starts in five minutes. I'll see you later.

MOBILE PHONE RINGS

Hi, Diana.

I'm bringing the children round in an hour.

Fine. I hope the house is habitable.

Brilliant.

Oh, brilliant.

Kev, what have you done?

It's all right, Bobby, just don't look.

My table.

My beautiful table. I'm so sorry, Bobby.

My worst nightmare.

LAUGHTER

Now that it's happened I can relax.

I'm free, at last!

Thanks, Kev, thanks.

It's all right. I could spill a pint on it if you want.

Watch it!

DOORBELL RINGS

Coming!

You're a bit early.

Is that a problem? No, no,

come in.

My, my, Jimmy! This IS different.

If I didn't know you so well, I'd say you'd been making an effort.

Well, maybe you don't know me so well.

Will you join me in a spot of dinner?

This is the beef and ale pie that I was sweating over, followed by...

a home-made cheesecake.

And you wanted to move in with Gran.

It was your idea. I just went along with it. I'm the weak one, remember.

Kids, forget it, tuck in.

Look, I may have been a little harsh with you earlier

but that's before I heard

about your problem with Siobhan.

OK, who blabbed?

Who do you think? The blabby one.

I got confused. I was on a bacon high.

Well, I appreciate your concern, Diana, but I don't have a problem.

Oh, come on, we all make mistakes.

Once I forgot my passport on the way to the airport

and another time I lost a glove.

I know what it's like to be human.

For your information, Diana, Siobhan isn't pregnant.

Oh, isn't she?

Oh, well, lucky old her.

And you lost a glove.

That's not the point, but listen, I'll start paying the bills again on one condition.

That you admit that you need my help and you let me play a full part in the children's lives.

That's two conditions.

Well,

that's how generous I'm feeling.

And I found that glove by the way.

All right, well, the bills thing is nice of you

but I'm not gonna let you or anyone else say I can't run this house on my own.

I am not useless.

Are you sure you managed this all by yourself?

Yes.

Unaided, without any help?

Of course.

Golly.

LAUGHTER

Oh, hello, Diana.

Don't mind us. We're not here.

OK, but I lit the candles.

# After you've gone

# And left me crying

# After you've gone

# There's no denying

# Some day when you grow lonely

# Your heart will break like mine and you'll want me only

# After you've gone

# After you've gone away. #

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk