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1
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# After you've gone
2
00:00:04,040 --> 00:00:06,440
# And left me crying
3
00:00:06,440 --> 00:00:08,680
# After you've gone
4
00:00:08,680 --> 00:00:10,360
# There's no denying
5
00:00:10,360 --> 00:00:14,520
# Some day when you grow lonely
6
00:00:14,520 --> 00:00:18,680
# Your heart will break like
mine and you'll want me only
7
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# After you've gone
8
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# After you've gone away. #
9
00:00:25,960 --> 00:00:28,920
That's a nice one, Dad and Gran.
10
00:00:28,920 --> 00:00:34,000
Oh, dear, Jimmy, what's
happened to your happy face?
That IS my happy face.
11
00:00:35,600 --> 00:00:38,920
He's looking grumpy cos Mum's
getting married to Howard.
12
00:00:38,920 --> 00:00:45,320
I was not grumpy. My ex-wife was
tying the knot with Doctor Perfect,
the patron saint of charity workers.
13
00:00:45,320 --> 00:00:47,280
Don't worry, he cheers up later.
14
00:00:47,280 --> 00:00:49,320
LAUGHTER
15
00:00:49,320 --> 00:00:50,360
Next picture.
16
00:00:50,360 --> 00:00:51,880
LAUGHTER
17
00:00:51,880 --> 00:00:53,040
Next picture!
18
00:00:53,040 --> 00:00:54,680
And there's Siobhan.
19
00:00:54,680 --> 00:00:58,320
Ah, it'll be your turn next, Dad.
20
00:00:54,680 --> 00:00:58,320
You wouldn't say that at a funeral.
21
00:01:06,200 --> 00:01:08,480
Jimmy! Next picture!
22
00:01:09,200 --> 00:01:10,360
That's that, then.
23
00:01:10,360 --> 00:01:13,920
If only. He's got
another 800 photos of the cake.
24
00:01:13,920 --> 00:01:16,600
I meant Ann and Howard.
25
00:01:16,600 --> 00:01:20,400
It's done, they're married,
out in Africa for good.
26
00:01:20,400 --> 00:01:23,560
So, it's just you,
me and the kids now.
27
00:01:23,560 --> 00:01:26,640
It is, isn't it?
28
00:01:26,640 --> 00:01:33,800
Their dad and their gran
shaping those young lives, together
for the long haul. Sleep well.
29
00:01:47,440 --> 00:01:52,520
Do you know, Jimmy,
it doesn't seem like 25 years since
Ann moved to Africa.
30
00:01:52,520 --> 00:01:54,160
How time flies.
31
00:01:54,160 --> 00:01:57,520
If you say so, Diana.
Molly, dear, breakfast.
32
00:01:59,040 --> 00:02:01,280
Morning.
33
00:02:01,280 --> 00:02:04,120
How are the twins?
How should I know?
34
00:02:04,120 --> 00:02:06,040
I'm a bad mum, remember?
35
00:02:06,040 --> 00:02:08,720
Here, Dad, look after these two.
36
00:02:06,040 --> 00:02:08,720
I am off down the boozer.
37
00:02:10,200 --> 00:02:11,680
Good morning, Grandmama.
38
00:02:11,680 --> 00:02:14,240
Good morning, oik. Morning, son.
39
00:02:14,240 --> 00:02:18,000
And what legal delight
does the day hold for you?
40
00:02:18,000 --> 00:02:22,840
Urgh, I'm prosecuting some ghastly
little builder for breaching
Health and Safety regulations...
41
00:02:22,840 --> 00:02:24,440
Oh, wait...
42
00:02:24,440 --> 00:02:26,200
It's you!
43
00:02:28,960 --> 00:02:31,840
Erm, Diana...
44
00:02:31,840 --> 00:02:33,480
Did somebody speak?
45
00:02:35,000 --> 00:02:37,760
I was wondering
if I might watch the telly tonight.
46
00:02:37,760 --> 00:02:41,080
It's...the World Cup Final.
47
00:02:41,080 --> 00:02:43,160
Certainly not!
48
00:02:43,160 --> 00:02:44,760
You'll be in the way.
49
00:02:44,760 --> 00:02:49,160
Wolfgang and I will be
practising tantric sex.
50
00:02:49,160 --> 00:02:52,080
In the living room? Yes.
51
00:02:52,080 --> 00:02:55,800
We need the extra space,
isn't that right, Wolfgang?
52
00:02:55,800 --> 00:02:58,760
Yes, my little schnitzel.
53
00:02:58,760 --> 00:03:02,680
Now Jimmy, would you mind if
I turned off your life support?
54
00:03:02,680 --> 00:03:04,840
Wolfgang needs to dry his hair.
55
00:03:07,000 --> 00:03:08,760
STEADY TONE
56
00:03:07,000 --> 00:03:08,760
Ugh!
57
00:03:08,760 --> 00:03:11,040
Aaaahhhhhh...!
58
00:03:11,040 --> 00:03:12,480
AAAAAH...!
59
00:03:14,840 --> 00:03:18,480
DOORBELL RINGS
60
00:03:14,840 --> 00:03:18,480
Molly, Alex, five minutes.
61
00:03:18,480 --> 00:03:20,240
I can't find my folder.
62
00:03:20,240 --> 00:03:22,920
It's down here.
Well, why didn't you tell me?
63
00:03:22,920 --> 00:03:25,480
I was deliberately
hiding it from you.
64
00:03:25,480 --> 00:03:29,560
Dad, where's my bag?
65
00:03:25,480 --> 00:03:29,560
Er, upstairs in your bedroom.
66
00:03:29,560 --> 00:03:30,680
Correct.
67
00:03:30,680 --> 00:03:32,480
HAMMERING ON THE DOOR
68
00:03:30,680 --> 00:03:32,480
Jimmy!
69
00:03:36,080 --> 00:03:39,320
Jimmy, let me in!
70
00:03:43,800 --> 00:03:46,680
Why did you bolt the door? Cos
I want you to ring the doorbell.
71
00:03:46,680 --> 00:03:49,080
Why? We need boundaries.
72
00:03:49,080 --> 00:03:53,080
If you and I are gonna survive the
long haul, we need to lay down
ground rules,
73
00:03:53,080 --> 00:03:56,640
starting with
you don't just walk into the house.
Oh, don't be silly.
74
00:03:56,640 --> 00:04:00,440
If you want to come in, ring the
doorbell and I will let you in.
75
00:04:00,440 --> 00:04:03,440
But I've got keys. And I've
got a bolt. Ring the doorbell.
76
00:04:03,440 --> 00:04:06,320
But the door is open. So it is.
77
00:04:09,440 --> 00:04:13,400
Three minutes. Alex, your breakfast's
on the table. I'm doing something.
78
00:04:13,400 --> 00:04:15,840
Yes, living on borrowed time. Sit!
79
00:04:15,840 --> 00:04:17,480
DOORBELL RINGS REPEATEDLY
80
00:04:20,360 --> 00:04:22,400
DOORBELL STILL RINGING
81
00:04:28,920 --> 00:04:32,640
Was that the doorbell?
I wonder who that could be?
82
00:04:35,120 --> 00:04:37,720
You may have won the battle,
Jimmy, but not the war.
83
00:04:37,720 --> 00:04:41,480
It's not a war.
Good, then you surrender.
84
00:04:41,480 --> 00:04:43,320
You may mock, Diana...
85
00:04:43,320 --> 00:04:46,680
Huh, I need permission
for that now, do I?
86
00:04:46,680 --> 00:04:48,920
I'm serious.
87
00:04:48,920 --> 00:04:51,960
This is the birth of a
whole new Jimmy Venables.
88
00:04:51,960 --> 00:04:54,120
Surely one's enough.
89
00:04:55,640 --> 00:04:58,760
Hi, Gran. Mmm, I see you've
cooked the breakfast.
90
00:04:58,760 --> 00:05:00,560
It's not as good as yours, Gran.
91
00:05:00,560 --> 00:05:06,600
Never mind her. I'm your father now
and I'm running this household. You?
92
00:05:06,600 --> 00:05:09,560
I'm gonna make a success of
this and I'm gonna do it my way.
93
00:05:09,560 --> 00:05:11,320
Well, which?
94
00:05:12,760 --> 00:05:17,240
Now that I've moved into this
house for good, you can be
like a normal grandmother.
95
00:05:17,240 --> 00:05:21,560
Come round every four weeks or so,
move to Eastbourne.
96
00:05:21,560 --> 00:05:23,080
LAUGHTER
97
00:05:23,080 --> 00:05:24,800
Put us in your will.
98
00:05:26,120 --> 00:05:27,920
I thought we were a partnership.
99
00:05:27,920 --> 00:05:29,560
There's been a boardroom coup.
100
00:05:29,560 --> 00:05:34,000
From now on, I'm gonna be a
proper father to these kids
101
00:05:29,560 --> 00:05:34,000
and I'm gonna do it on my own.
102
00:05:34,000 --> 00:05:36,400
Whoa, don't we get a choice in this?
103
00:05:36,400 --> 00:05:38,800
Yeah, Dad, we've seen you work.
104
00:05:38,800 --> 00:05:43,600
If past performance is an indicator
of future returns, we're doomed.
105
00:05:44,880 --> 00:05:48,400
You're not doomed, you're grounded.
106
00:05:48,400 --> 00:05:50,400
See, can do it.
107
00:05:50,400 --> 00:05:52,760
All right, good for you, go ahead.
108
00:05:52,760 --> 00:05:57,640
Take the burden of running
this house on your broad and
manly shoulders. It's all yours.
109
00:05:57,640 --> 00:06:01,120
Thank you. All the housework. Fine.
110
00:05:57,640 --> 00:06:01,120
Cooking the meals.
111
00:06:01,120 --> 00:06:03,320
Good. Doing the laundry. Yes.
112
00:06:03,320 --> 00:06:04,680
And the ironing. Right.
113
00:06:04,680 --> 00:06:07,720
Helping the children with
any problems they might have.
114
00:06:07,720 --> 00:06:14,880
Excellent. Intimate personal problems
115
00:06:07,720 --> 00:06:14,880
pertaining to relationships, sexual
etiquette. I'm fine with that.
116
00:06:14,880 --> 00:06:20,000
Feminine hygiene, gender confusion,
nocturnal boyhood happenings.
117
00:06:20,000 --> 00:06:26,240
That's enough!
I knew you'd try and put me off,
but I am ready for anything
118
00:06:26,240 --> 00:06:30,600
and I'm gonna stick at this as long
as I have strength in my body.
Splendid.
119
00:06:30,600 --> 00:06:32,560
Have a lovely three days.
120
00:06:32,560 --> 00:06:34,600
SHE CACKLES
121
00:06:38,040 --> 00:06:39,880
Dad. Mmm.
122
00:06:39,880 --> 00:06:42,080
I have a question
about feminine hygiene.
123
00:06:42,080 --> 00:06:44,120
LAUGHTER
124
00:06:51,000 --> 00:06:53,560
Bobby? What do you think?
125
00:06:53,560 --> 00:06:56,640
There's a pool table blocking
the way. Lovely, isn't it?
126
00:06:56,640 --> 00:06:59,440
Fantastic.
When are you gonna unwrap it?
127
00:06:59,440 --> 00:07:03,400
Are you joking? I wanna keep it
nice. So what d'you buy it for?
128
00:07:03,400 --> 00:07:05,840
I wanted to create a
relaxed friendly atmosphere.
129
00:07:05,840 --> 00:07:07,480
Don't touch that!
130
00:07:10,200 --> 00:07:13,920
Wouldn't it be better to, I don't
know, let people play pool on it?
131
00:07:13,920 --> 00:07:15,800
Then I'd have to take
the plastic off.
132
00:07:18,920 --> 00:07:20,240
Hi.
133
00:07:21,440 --> 00:07:23,520
Oh, hi, Siobhan.
134
00:07:23,520 --> 00:07:26,120
Jimmy, erm, I'm late.
135
00:07:26,120 --> 00:07:28,440
Oh, blimey,
does that mean you're pregnant?
136
00:07:32,720 --> 00:07:34,080
Maybe.
137
00:07:34,080 --> 00:07:35,760
What?
138
00:07:36,680 --> 00:07:39,120
No, I was only joking.
139
00:07:39,120 --> 00:07:42,280
So, you mean, you're... ..late.
140
00:07:42,280 --> 00:07:44,480
In the sense of... Yes.
141
00:07:44,480 --> 00:07:47,840
Oh.
142
00:07:47,840 --> 00:07:52,200
Oh! Oh, oh, that's brilliant, a baby.
143
00:07:52,200 --> 00:07:56,280
Cor, well, I'll be there for you
144
00:07:52,200 --> 00:07:56,280
all the way, Siobhan. It's fantastic.
145
00:07:56,280 --> 00:07:58,040
No, it's not. Isn't it?
146
00:07:58,040 --> 00:07:59,560
No.
147
00:07:59,560 --> 00:08:02,560
I can't afford it, you can't afford
it, and besides,
148
00:08:02,560 --> 00:08:05,400
Your hands are full with Molly and
Alex. We're not ready for this.
149
00:08:05,400 --> 00:08:10,280
No... No, you're right. We're not
ready for this.
150
00:08:10,280 --> 00:08:13,920
Oh, dear.
Oh, God, what are we gonna do?
151
00:08:13,920 --> 00:08:18,400
Oh, thanks for your support.
That IS my support.
152
00:08:18,400 --> 00:08:21,840
Look, I don't know
what you want me to say.
153
00:08:21,840 --> 00:08:24,600
Well, how about saying
what you really feel.
154
00:08:24,600 --> 00:08:26,960
OK, I feel...
155
00:08:27,960 --> 00:08:29,640
..got at and I want to go home.
156
00:08:32,320 --> 00:08:36,080
Or...I...I will stay...
157
00:08:37,920 --> 00:08:40,280
..because you complete me.
158
00:08:41,880 --> 00:08:45,440
Or... You see this is
why I call you my rock.
159
00:08:45,440 --> 00:08:47,800
Look, Siobhan,
160
00:08:47,800 --> 00:08:50,160
don't take this the wrong way, but
161
00:08:50,160 --> 00:08:54,040
are you sure it's mine?
162
00:08:57,120 --> 00:09:02,200
And what exactly would be
the right way to take that?
163
00:09:03,720 --> 00:09:05,880
You choose.
164
00:09:06,960 --> 00:09:10,440
Of course it's yours.
I can feel it dithering!
165
00:09:11,360 --> 00:09:13,000
I am not dithering.
166
00:09:13,000 --> 00:09:15,040
You said you weren't sure, so...
167
00:09:16,360 --> 00:09:19,240
Have you
peed on one of those stick things?
168
00:09:19,240 --> 00:09:25,240
No, I'm too nervous to pee.
Well, then, shouldn't you
169
00:09:19,240 --> 00:09:25,240
make sure before you...
170
00:09:25,240 --> 00:09:27,440
What? Come bothering YOU?
171
00:09:29,440 --> 00:09:31,480
I'm sorry, sorry.
172
00:09:31,480 --> 00:09:35,120
It's my hormones are
all over the place.
173
00:09:35,120 --> 00:09:38,520
I've got all this stuff going on
at home. I've got to make a go
of that
174
00:09:38,520 --> 00:09:41,200
otherwise Diana'll get her feet
under the table again
175
00:09:41,200 --> 00:09:45,120
and do you know, thinking about it,
she did give in a little too easily.
176
00:09:45,120 --> 00:09:49,680
Oh, it's all right, Jimmy.
No, you worry about your problems
and I'll worry about mine.
177
00:09:49,680 --> 00:09:53,080
Oh, and it seems, yours. Mmm?
178
00:09:53,080 --> 00:09:55,480
Thanks, love.
179
00:09:57,160 --> 00:09:58,880
Kev, I'm off.
180
00:09:58,880 --> 00:10:00,960
Wow, you are in a mess.
181
00:10:00,960 --> 00:10:02,560
What?
182
00:10:02,560 --> 00:10:05,800
What with Siobhan being late
and you having to do more at home
183
00:10:05,800 --> 00:10:09,120
because you don't want Diana to
get her feet under the table.
184
00:10:10,760 --> 00:10:11,960
How did you know that?
185
00:10:11,960 --> 00:10:14,000
LAUGHTER
186
00:10:15,120 --> 00:10:17,600
I've been to the spy shop.
187
00:10:17,600 --> 00:10:21,160
Kev, my private conversations
are private.
188
00:10:21,160 --> 00:10:23,160
Not any more, boss.
189
00:10:23,160 --> 00:10:25,560
We're living in the
surveillance society.
190
00:10:25,560 --> 00:10:27,920
Yes, it's you surveilling me.
191
00:10:27,920 --> 00:10:33,480
Look at it this way. If the secret
state is listening to me, I'm
gonna get my retaliation in first.
192
00:10:33,480 --> 00:10:36,240
Kev, that makes no sense whatsoever.
193
00:10:36,240 --> 00:10:39,200
Aha, that's what they
want you to think.
194
00:10:39,200 --> 00:10:42,680
Mind control, black ops, MK Ultra...
195
00:10:42,680 --> 00:10:46,840
Ooh, sorry, boss,
196
00:10:42,680 --> 00:10:46,840
there's a guy over there talking
about his gallstone problem.
197
00:10:47,800 --> 00:10:50,280
Ooh, ooh.
198
00:10:50,280 --> 00:10:52,120
Have you tried ginseng?
199
00:10:52,120 --> 00:10:54,160
LAUGHTER
200
00:11:00,280 --> 00:11:03,400
Alex, your breakfast is on the table.
201
00:11:03,400 --> 00:11:07,200
Urgh, this has still got
bits of yesterday's egg on it.
202
00:11:07,200 --> 00:11:10,000
I'm trying to save
time in the mornings.
203
00:11:10,000 --> 00:11:13,640
We'll all have the same plate every
day and a great big Saturday wash-up.
204
00:11:13,640 --> 00:11:17,160
Except it won't be big, because
we'll only have used three plates.
205
00:11:17,160 --> 00:11:21,480
Clever, hey. Yeah, really clever.
Well, why stop there?
206
00:11:21,480 --> 00:11:23,920
Why not just make us wear
the same clothes every day?
207
00:11:23,920 --> 00:11:25,400
I'm way ahead of you.
208
00:11:27,560 --> 00:11:31,400
My shirt hasn't been ironed. I know,
it hasn't been washed either. Up...
209
00:11:31,400 --> 00:11:35,920
Oh, rank! You know what, you
210
00:11:31,400 --> 00:11:35,920
could always do your own laundry.
211
00:11:36,920 --> 00:11:38,880
Ah, it's not so bad.
212
00:11:39,720 --> 00:11:42,760
Erm, listen carefully, kids.
213
00:11:42,760 --> 00:11:47,600
Er, it's early days yet, but, erm,
I might have a bit of news.
214
00:11:47,600 --> 00:11:52,960
Good news, you know, but, erm, well,
it just means we might have to make
215
00:11:47,600 --> 00:11:52,960
some adjustments.
216
00:11:52,960 --> 00:11:55,520
Don't tell me. You've got Siobhan up
the duff.
217
00:11:56,320 --> 00:11:58,200
No, no, no, no, no.
218
00:11:59,200 --> 00:12:00,400
You have, haven't you?
219
00:12:00,400 --> 00:12:01,880
Well, yeah.
220
00:12:03,040 --> 00:12:04,520
Well, no.
221
00:12:04,520 --> 00:12:08,040
Well... possibly.
222
00:12:08,040 --> 00:12:09,240
Don't tell your gran.
223
00:12:09,240 --> 00:12:15,000
Oh, please let me, Dad, it'll
make her so happy to have
another stick to beat you with.
224
00:12:15,000 --> 00:12:18,120
Haven't you heard of contraception?
225
00:12:18,120 --> 00:12:22,240
Well, of course I have and you
gave me this talk, like, years ago.
226
00:12:24,200 --> 00:12:26,240
DOORBELL RINGS
227
00:12:31,840 --> 00:12:33,360
That'll be your gran.
228
00:12:34,880 --> 00:12:37,720
It's not bolted.
229
00:12:37,720 --> 00:12:39,480
You can let yourself in.
230
00:12:39,480 --> 00:12:42,560
You'd like that! You said I had to
ring on the doorbell
231
00:12:42,560 --> 00:12:44,160
and ring on the doorbell I shall.
232
00:12:44,160 --> 00:12:46,200
DOORBELL RINGS
233
00:12:47,160 --> 00:12:50,040
I'll go, Dad, you've got
enough to worry about already.
234
00:12:52,160 --> 00:12:58,120
You know, Dad, sometimes when a man
starts a new family with another
partner he often tries to compensate
235
00:12:58,120 --> 00:13:02,160
by being exceptionally generous
to the children he's already got.
236
00:13:02,160 --> 00:13:05,360
Don't worry, Moll,
there's no danger of that.
237
00:13:05,360 --> 00:13:09,240
Damn it.
Just a friendly visit, no agenda.
238
00:13:09,240 --> 00:13:13,720
Good. So, what's it like running
239
00:13:09,240 --> 00:13:13,720
the house single handed? Perfect.
240
00:13:13,720 --> 00:13:15,680
It's a breeze. The plates are dirty.
241
00:13:15,680 --> 00:13:19,840
He won't do the laundry. He
cleaned the toilet with a blowtorch.
242
00:13:21,360 --> 00:13:27,120
Well, it's
243
00:13:21,360 --> 00:13:27,120
been lovely, Diana, and as I say feel
free to pop in whenever you like.
244
00:13:27,120 --> 00:13:31,920
Visit your grandchildren,
snipe, but now is not a great time.
245
00:13:31,920 --> 00:13:36,280
The kids have got to go to
school and I'm sure you've
246
00:13:31,920 --> 00:13:36,280
got some milk to curdle.
247
00:13:36,280 --> 00:13:38,760
Wait, there's something
I have to tell you.
248
00:13:38,760 --> 00:13:40,320
You as well?
249
00:13:40,320 --> 00:13:41,760
LAUGHTER
250
00:13:41,760 --> 00:13:43,240
It's a miracle!
251
00:13:44,240 --> 00:13:46,000
Me as well what?
252
00:13:46,000 --> 00:13:47,640
On that note, school.
253
00:13:50,160 --> 00:13:54,600
Well? You said you wanted to do
254
00:13:50,160 --> 00:13:54,600
this on your own... That's right.
255
00:13:54,600 --> 00:13:56,960
Well, I'm doing my bit to help you.
256
00:13:56,960 --> 00:14:00,080
Go on.
I've cancelled all my direct debits.
257
00:14:00,080 --> 00:14:02,760
What direct debits?
258
00:14:00,080 --> 00:14:02,760
You know, the ones for this house.
259
00:14:02,760 --> 00:14:05,480
Gas, electricity,
telephone bill, Council Tax.
260
00:14:05,480 --> 00:14:07,440
Whoa, whoa, whoa. Ann pays those.
261
00:14:07,440 --> 00:14:12,440
When Ann moved to Africa,
262
00:14:07,440 --> 00:14:12,440
out of the kindness of my heart,
I arranged to pay the bills.
263
00:14:12,440 --> 00:14:14,400
Don't you ever look
at the statements?
264
00:14:14,400 --> 00:14:18,520
Well, of
course I look at them, but...
265
00:14:18,520 --> 00:14:21,880
they all say the same thing,
"You need do nothing."
266
00:14:21,880 --> 00:14:25,280
It's a gas bill, Jimmy,
not a guide for life.
267
00:14:25,280 --> 00:14:29,560
So are you telling me
you've been paying all the bills?
268
00:14:29,560 --> 00:14:33,160
Well, I could make it simpler,
but I left my crayons at home.
269
00:14:33,160 --> 00:14:35,040
Behind my back?
270
00:14:35,040 --> 00:14:38,600
How dare you,
and how dare you stop?
271
00:14:38,600 --> 00:14:43,760
Look, if you want to take
charge, you have to take the
responsibility that goes with it.
272
00:14:43,760 --> 00:14:48,240
Oh, oh,
you're enjoying this, aren't you?
273
00:14:48,240 --> 00:14:50,760
Yes, and saving
money at the same time.
274
00:14:50,760 --> 00:14:52,120
Ta-ta.
275
00:14:53,240 --> 00:14:55,280
LAUGHTER
276
00:14:58,520 --> 00:15:00,960
Bit of a pickle, eh, boss?
277
00:15:05,720 --> 00:15:08,800
Oh, come on, Bobby, you're gonna
have to take it off sometime.
278
00:15:08,800 --> 00:15:12,520
Do it quickly and it won't hurt as
much, like pulling off a plaster.
279
00:15:19,720 --> 00:15:22,880
There you are. Treat her gently.
280
00:15:22,880 --> 00:15:24,720
Where are the cues?
281
00:15:24,720 --> 00:15:26,520
And we're gonna need some balls.
282
00:15:26,520 --> 00:15:29,560
Please. It's too soon.
283
00:15:35,720 --> 00:15:37,920
Here, boss, I'll get these.
284
00:15:37,920 --> 00:15:39,840
Well, if you're offering.
285
00:15:39,840 --> 00:15:42,560
Feeling the pinch?
Oh, you're telling me.
286
00:15:42,560 --> 00:15:45,040
I've got to find an extra
£300 a month. Don't worry.
287
00:15:45,040 --> 00:15:46,800
Diana will soon come round.
288
00:15:46,800 --> 00:15:49,520
I don't want her to come
round, that's the whole point.
289
00:15:49,520 --> 00:15:53,040
I want to prove to her that I
can pay my way without any help.
290
00:15:53,040 --> 00:15:54,600
Can I have a sandwich as well?
291
00:15:57,040 --> 00:16:01,320
I could have sworn I put six fresh
toilet rolls in there this morning.
292
00:16:07,520 --> 00:16:09,480
Hi, Siobhan. Hi, Jimmy.
293
00:16:10,680 --> 00:16:13,880
Erm, Kev, would you mind if we...
294
00:16:13,880 --> 00:16:15,760
Say no more, boss.
295
00:16:15,760 --> 00:16:17,440
I can see you need your privacy.
296
00:16:17,440 --> 00:16:19,320
I'll leave you to it.
297
00:16:21,640 --> 00:16:23,680
LAUGHTER
298
00:16:26,200 --> 00:16:29,680
So, did you manage to
pee on that stick thing?
299
00:16:29,680 --> 00:16:35,080
Yes, eventually nature and ten
pints of Orangina took its course.
300
00:16:35,080 --> 00:16:38,920
And? I'm not telling you.
You're not... why?
301
00:16:38,920 --> 00:16:41,560
If it's negative, you'll be
relieved and that'll upset me.
302
00:16:41,560 --> 00:16:44,120
If it's positive, you'll panic and
that'll upset me too,
303
00:16:44,120 --> 00:16:47,080
so I've decided to delay all the
upset until after a proper test.
304
00:16:47,080 --> 00:16:52,160
Of course. You're
absolutely right and whatever
you decide, I'll back you up.
305
00:16:52,160 --> 00:16:54,480
Whatever I decide?
306
00:16:54,480 --> 00:16:56,800
No, we're in this together, mate.
307
00:16:56,800 --> 00:16:59,840
I know, I just thought...
woman's right to choose and all that.
308
00:16:59,840 --> 00:17:02,520
Which is another way of saying
man's right to run a mile.
309
00:17:02,520 --> 00:17:05,680
I can't say anything right. Jimmy,
I'm not in the mood.
310
00:17:05,680 --> 00:17:08,040
If you'd said that before,
we wouldn't be in this mess!
311
00:17:08,040 --> 00:17:09,360
LAUGHTER
312
00:17:16,040 --> 00:17:18,520
See, you're warm now.
313
00:17:18,520 --> 00:17:20,760
Layers, that's the answer.
314
00:17:20,760 --> 00:17:24,280
Another answer
is to turn on the central heating.
315
00:17:25,800 --> 00:17:27,040
Ah, ah, ah, ah...
316
00:17:27,040 --> 00:17:28,760
Pick a channel and stick with it.
317
00:17:28,760 --> 00:17:30,280
Batteries cost money.
318
00:17:30,280 --> 00:17:33,280
But, Dad, it's a documentary on
zinc.
319
00:17:33,280 --> 00:17:36,760
Look, if you really want to change
the channel, get up and walk over.
320
00:17:36,760 --> 00:17:38,280
That'll keep you warm.
321
00:17:41,200 --> 00:17:45,120
It is quite interesting.
Maybe I'll give it a chance.
322
00:17:45,120 --> 00:17:46,440
Wait a minute,
323
00:17:46,440 --> 00:17:48,720
I can hear running water.
324
00:17:49,560 --> 00:17:51,080
Aah...
325
00:17:51,080 --> 00:17:52,200
Got ya!
326
00:17:53,160 --> 00:17:55,520
But I just want a clean plate.
327
00:17:55,520 --> 00:17:58,520
No. There is no hot
water until Wednesday.
328
00:17:58,520 --> 00:18:04,640
Then you can do as much
washing-up as you like, between the
hours of 7.30 and 8.15. Really?
329
00:18:04,640 --> 00:18:06,640
OK. How do we keep clean?
330
00:18:06,640 --> 00:18:09,640
You go swimming.
331
00:18:11,000 --> 00:18:14,000
Where are you going?
Outside. It's warmer.
332
00:18:15,200 --> 00:18:16,640
Lights!
333
00:18:18,800 --> 00:18:21,240
OUTSIDE DOOR SHUTS
334
00:18:24,640 --> 00:18:26,680
LAUGHTER
335
00:18:28,480 --> 00:18:31,640
Channel Five. It's really warm.
336
00:18:36,040 --> 00:18:38,200
CLASSICAL MUSIC
337
00:18:46,240 --> 00:18:49,840
'That was the violin concerto
in E minor by Mendelssohn.
338
00:18:49,840 --> 00:18:56,640
'Now the news. Two teenagers have
died today because they did
not see enough of their gran.
339
00:18:56,640 --> 00:19:02,400
'Yes, Diana, Molly and Alex Venables
have died and it's your fault.
340
00:19:02,400 --> 00:19:06,560
'And now back to the soothing music,
murderer.'
341
00:19:13,560 --> 00:19:15,840
Right, I'll let you lads
get on then.
342
00:19:15,840 --> 00:19:19,120
Kettle's over there
343
00:19:15,840 --> 00:19:19,120
and feel free to use the fridge.
344
00:19:19,400 --> 00:19:21,160
Thanks, Mr Davy. We'll see you later.
345
00:19:24,040 --> 00:19:26,760
Right, let's get started.
346
00:19:29,040 --> 00:19:30,680
What are you doing, boss?
347
00:19:30,680 --> 00:19:31,920
I'm saving money.
348
00:19:33,120 --> 00:19:35,360
I think
you're taking this a bit far.
349
00:19:35,360 --> 00:19:39,600
Look, I might have
another mouth to feed soon.
350
00:19:39,600 --> 00:19:42,840
Put that in the fridge, would you?
What?
351
00:19:42,840 --> 00:19:45,080
I've turned mine off while I'm out.
352
00:19:46,280 --> 00:19:49,720
Well, the less power I use at
home, the lower my bill will be.
353
00:19:53,080 --> 00:19:56,160
Do you want me to fold?
No, you're all right, mate.
354
00:19:56,160 --> 00:19:58,920
You get on with your surveillance.
Cheers, boss.
355
00:20:00,720 --> 00:20:02,680
Ah, two pensioners at a bus stop.
356
00:20:02,680 --> 00:20:04,200
Surveillance gold.
357
00:20:11,080 --> 00:20:12,760
Oh...!
358
00:20:18,720 --> 00:20:21,840
Who turned the fridge off?
Wasn't there a chicken in there?
359
00:20:21,840 --> 00:20:23,000
Probably moved out.
360
00:20:23,000 --> 00:20:24,600
LAUGHTER
361
00:20:24,600 --> 00:20:26,080
God, I'm hungry.
362
00:20:30,000 --> 00:20:33,480
Result. Isn't it beautiful?
363
00:20:33,480 --> 00:20:34,760
I'll share it with you.
364
00:20:39,320 --> 00:20:41,240
Ugh, gross!
365
00:20:44,760 --> 00:20:46,480
Wait a minute...
366
00:20:46,480 --> 00:20:49,520
can you smell bacon?
You're hallucinating.
367
00:20:58,840 --> 00:21:00,600
Someone's posting us bacon.
368
00:21:02,080 --> 00:21:03,400
Maybe it's the Red Cross.
369
00:21:03,400 --> 00:21:06,920
You're definitely hallucinating.
370
00:21:03,400 --> 00:21:06,920
Come and see.
371
00:21:12,680 --> 00:21:13,880
Wow...
372
00:21:16,320 --> 00:21:18,680
Hello, children.
373
00:21:21,440 --> 00:21:25,120
Diana, it's me. Listen, Molly and
Alex, haven't come home from school.
374
00:21:25,120 --> 00:21:28,720
They're not answering their phones,
I'm worried sick.
375
00:21:28,720 --> 00:21:31,320
It's all right, they're with me.
376
00:21:31,320 --> 00:21:35,240
Oh, thank God.
Well, why didn't they phone me?
377
00:21:35,240 --> 00:21:38,080
Molly said they didn't
want to waste electricity.
378
00:21:39,600 --> 00:21:43,440
But their tea's ready.
I'm giving them their tea here.
379
00:21:44,640 --> 00:21:48,080
Hello...
I've sweated blood over this meal.
380
00:21:48,080 --> 00:21:49,800
LAUGHTER
381
00:21:49,800 --> 00:21:51,360
Can you put Alex on, please?
382
00:21:51,360 --> 00:21:53,360
Alex, your father wants a word.
383
00:21:53,360 --> 00:21:55,640
Tell him I can't budge
till my food's gone down.
384
00:21:55,640 --> 00:21:57,600
Well, put Molly on then.
385
00:21:57,600 --> 00:21:59,120
Molly...
386
00:22:01,640 --> 00:22:06,880
Hi, Dad. Molly, I
absolutely demand categorically
that you come home at once.
387
00:22:06,880 --> 00:22:11,120
Sorry, Dad. we like it here. Gran's
got her lights on and everything.
388
00:22:11,120 --> 00:22:14,880
And a sauce bearnaise to die for.
389
00:22:14,880 --> 00:22:17,360
They're not exactly
being held hostage.
390
00:22:17,360 --> 00:22:20,280
You haven't heard the last of
this, Diana, I've got rights.
391
00:22:20,280 --> 00:22:22,080
And I've got central heating.
392
00:22:22,080 --> 00:22:24,960
There, that sorted him out.
393
00:22:24,960 --> 00:22:28,320
Don't be too hard on him, Gran. He's
had a lot to think about lately.
394
00:22:28,320 --> 00:22:31,040
Yes, all the things that
I had to think about.
395
00:22:31,040 --> 00:22:34,240
No, I mean...personal stuff.
396
00:22:34,240 --> 00:22:36,960
Hey, he told us not to tell Gran.
397
00:22:36,960 --> 00:22:38,880
Tell me what?
398
00:22:43,640 --> 00:22:45,440
LAUGHTER
399
00:22:51,400 --> 00:22:53,600
Is it all right to
take another shot now?
400
00:22:53,600 --> 00:22:55,120
Very well, but be careful.
401
00:22:58,200 --> 00:23:00,800
Mind the cushion. Come on, Bobby!
402
00:23:00,800 --> 00:23:02,400
You're putting us off.
403
00:23:02,400 --> 00:23:04,920
I thought this pool table
would be a nice touch.
404
00:23:04,920 --> 00:23:07,080
Relaxing, and look at me.
405
00:23:07,080 --> 00:23:12,120
I'm on a razor's edge,
you're walking on eggshells,
this is no longer a happy pub.
406
00:23:12,120 --> 00:23:13,960
Not too hard!
407
00:23:17,600 --> 00:23:19,240
Kev, is Siobhan around?
408
00:23:19,240 --> 00:23:21,640
How should I know?
I know nothing these days.
409
00:23:21,640 --> 00:23:24,280
The lives of others
are a closed book to me.
410
00:23:24,280 --> 00:23:26,640
Well, what happened to
the great eavesdropper?
411
00:23:26,640 --> 00:23:28,680
Ah, spying's a mug's game, Jimmy.
412
00:23:28,680 --> 00:23:33,000
Do you know
413
00:23:28,680 --> 00:23:33,000
I found out something that would
have been better left undiscovered.
414
00:23:34,080 --> 00:23:38,880
Everyone in this pub thinks I'm
a nosey tosser. Very hurtful.
415
00:23:38,880 --> 00:23:41,640
Well, don't worry, Kev.
I've heard you called worse.
416
00:23:41,640 --> 00:23:43,280
Thanks, boss.
417
00:23:46,240 --> 00:23:49,920
Siobhan, how'd it go?
418
00:23:49,920 --> 00:23:53,280
Good news. You're off the hook.
The test was negative.
419
00:23:53,280 --> 00:23:56,040
Oh. It's all right, Jimmy.
420
00:23:56,040 --> 00:23:58,600
Punch the air, do a little dance.
I won't be offended.
421
00:23:58,600 --> 00:24:00,920
Actually, I'm a bit disappointed.
422
00:24:01,880 --> 00:24:05,320
Come on, Jimmy, a baby?
It's too soon.
423
00:24:05,320 --> 00:24:11,040
Well, there's no reason why we can't
try for one, deliberately this time.
424
00:24:11,040 --> 00:24:12,880
With you?
425
00:24:15,680 --> 00:24:19,400
Why not? Well...
426
00:24:20,360 --> 00:24:24,560
..we haven't got the time,
my shift starts in five minutes.
I'll see you later.
427
00:24:27,440 --> 00:24:29,480
MOBILE PHONE RINGS
428
00:24:33,200 --> 00:24:34,840
Hi, Diana.
429
00:24:34,840 --> 00:24:36,960
I'm bringing
the children round in an hour.
430
00:24:36,960 --> 00:24:39,280
Fine. I hope the house is habitable.
431
00:24:39,280 --> 00:24:40,880
Brilliant.
432
00:24:40,880 --> 00:24:42,840
Oh, brilliant.
433
00:24:53,920 --> 00:24:55,440
Kev, what have you done?
434
00:24:55,440 --> 00:24:57,920
It's all right, Bobby,
just don't look.
435
00:25:01,040 --> 00:25:02,040
My table.
436
00:25:02,040 --> 00:25:05,760
My beautiful table.
I'm so sorry, Bobby.
437
00:25:05,760 --> 00:25:07,280
My worst nightmare.
438
00:25:07,280 --> 00:25:09,320
LAUGHTER
439
00:25:09,320 --> 00:25:11,880
Now that it's happened I can relax.
440
00:25:11,880 --> 00:25:14,440
I'm free, at last!
441
00:25:15,480 --> 00:25:17,480
Thanks, Kev, thanks.
442
00:25:17,480 --> 00:25:20,080
It's all right. I could
spill a pint on it if you want.
443
00:25:20,080 --> 00:25:21,960
Watch it!
444
00:25:24,240 --> 00:25:25,760
DOORBELL RINGS
445
00:25:24,240 --> 00:25:25,760
Coming!
446
00:25:29,600 --> 00:25:32,040
You're a bit early.
447
00:25:32,040 --> 00:25:33,760
Is that a problem? No, no,
448
00:25:33,760 --> 00:25:35,800
come in.
449
00:25:37,560 --> 00:25:41,720
My, my, Jimmy! This IS different.
450
00:25:41,720 --> 00:25:44,680
If I didn't know you so well, I'd
say you'd been making an effort.
451
00:25:44,680 --> 00:25:47,400
Well,
maybe you don't know me so well.
452
00:25:47,400 --> 00:25:50,200
Will you join me in a spot of dinner?
453
00:25:50,200 --> 00:25:54,040
This is the beef and ale pie that
I was sweating over, followed by...
454
00:25:54,040 --> 00:25:56,600
a home-made cheesecake.
455
00:25:59,160 --> 00:26:00,840
And you wanted to move in with Gran.
456
00:26:00,840 --> 00:26:04,200
It was your idea. I just went along
with it. I'm the weak one, remember.
457
00:26:04,200 --> 00:26:07,720
Kids, forget it, tuck in.
458
00:26:07,720 --> 00:26:10,920
Look, I may have been a
little harsh with you earlier
459
00:26:10,920 --> 00:26:14,440
but that's before I heard
460
00:26:10,920 --> 00:26:14,440
about your problem with Siobhan.
461
00:26:14,440 --> 00:26:16,000
OK, who blabbed?
462
00:26:16,000 --> 00:26:18,360
Who do you think? The blabby one.
463
00:26:18,360 --> 00:26:22,000
I got confused.
I was on a bacon high.
464
00:26:22,000 --> 00:26:26,320
Well, I appreciate your concern,
Diana, but I don't have a problem.
465
00:26:26,320 --> 00:26:28,480
Oh, come on, we all make mistakes.
466
00:26:28,480 --> 00:26:32,920
Once I forgot my passport
on the way to the airport
467
00:26:28,480 --> 00:26:32,920
and another time I lost a glove.
468
00:26:32,920 --> 00:26:35,040
I know what it's like to be human.
469
00:26:35,040 --> 00:26:39,600
For your information, Diana,
Siobhan isn't pregnant.
470
00:26:39,600 --> 00:26:41,280
Oh, isn't she?
471
00:26:41,280 --> 00:26:43,880
Oh, well, lucky old her.
472
00:26:43,880 --> 00:26:45,760
And you lost a glove.
473
00:26:45,760 --> 00:26:52,080
That's not the point, but listen,
I'll start paying the bills
again on one condition.
474
00:26:52,080 --> 00:26:57,000
That you admit that you need my help
and you let me play a full part
in the children's lives.
475
00:26:57,000 --> 00:26:58,600
That's two conditions.
476
00:26:58,600 --> 00:27:00,800
Well,
477
00:26:58,600 --> 00:27:00,800
that's how generous I'm feeling.
478
00:27:00,800 --> 00:27:03,200
And I found that glove by the way.
479
00:27:03,200 --> 00:27:05,680
All right, well, the bills thing is
nice of you
480
00:27:05,680 --> 00:27:09,880
but I'm not gonna let you or anyone
else say I can't run this house
on my own.
481
00:27:09,880 --> 00:27:11,640
I am not useless.
482
00:27:11,640 --> 00:27:14,800
Are you sure you managed
this all by yourself?
483
00:27:14,800 --> 00:27:16,960
Yes.
484
00:27:16,960 --> 00:27:19,040
Unaided, without any help?
485
00:27:19,040 --> 00:27:20,800
Of course.
486
00:27:20,800 --> 00:27:22,680
Golly.
487
00:27:22,680 --> 00:27:24,240
LAUGHTER
488
00:27:24,240 --> 00:27:25,640
Oh, hello, Diana.
489
00:27:26,720 --> 00:27:28,920
Don't mind us. We're not here.
490
00:27:30,720 --> 00:27:32,400
OK, but I lit the candles.
491
00:27:35,440 --> 00:27:37,360
# After you've gone
492
00:27:37,360 --> 00:27:39,400
# And left me crying
493
00:27:39,400 --> 00:27:41,480
# After you've gone
494
00:27:41,480 --> 00:27:43,560
# There's no denying
495
00:27:43,560 --> 00:27:47,800
# Some day when you grow lonely
496
00:27:47,800 --> 00:27:51,880
# Your heart will break like mine
and you'll want me only
497
00:27:51,880 --> 00:27:54,080
# After you've gone
498
00:27:54,080 --> 00:27:57,120
# After you've gone away. #
499
00:27:57,120 --> 00:27:59,160
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500
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