Original subtitles

# After you've gone

# And left me crying

# After you've gone

# There's no denying

# Someday, when you grow lonely

# Your heart will break like mine

# And you'll want me only

# After you've gone

# After you've gone away. #

Yes... Yes, Mrs Turner, I...

We've got weeks yet, I...

I promise you, you will have a fully functioning kitchen

in time for Christmas.

Yes, I swear on my mother's life.

OK, bye-bye.

Your mother's alive again(?)

LAUGHTER

It's a miracle!

And just in time to put her back on my Christmas card list.

Customers - they nag you to start the job,

then the minute you start, they want you to finish.

The nerve(!)

What's so vital about having a kitchen in time for Christmas, anyway?

Christmas is about more than just cooking.

You know, Jimmy, if you didn't take on seven jobs at once...

I wouldn't be able to pay for Christmas.

Nonsense. Molly and Alex don't want lavish presents,

they want quality time with their father.

SHE MOUTHS

LAUGHTER

Nineteen days till Mum gets back for Christmas.

Counting the days makes it go slower.

Not for me. I'll be so immersed in the school play.

Wonderful! Alex, have you got a part? Not quite yet.

Audition's soon, though.

By Wednesday night, you'll be looking at the king.

You're playing Elvis?

LAUGHTER

He must mean Richard III or Lear.

No, it's...the king in Sleeping Beauty.

How sad is that(?)

Not sad at all the way Mr Henderson directs it.

Not creepy Henderson, the Citizenship teacher?

It's now an urban morality tale

for the late noughties called...

Sleeping Buffteen.

How vile.

PHONE RINGS

Oh, that'll be Mrs Turner or one of the others.

Look, whoever it is, just say I'm racing round there this second.

LAUGHTER

You're not going in for this school play?

No, I hate school productions.

All the saddos and the show-offs

strutting and posing.

No offence.

No, no, you've got a point, Moll.

Josh Armstrong's playing the prince.

Some poor sap's gonna have to put up with him kissing her awake.

Imagine, a long, lingering kiss...

with Josh.

SHE CLEARS HER THROAT

So, um... Have they cast the princess yet?

Nope.

Maybe I'll go up for it, I mean...

I could sleep for a hundred years, easy.

Yeah, I know, Moll, you do it every Saturday.

That was your mother. A bit of bad news, I'm afraid.

There's been flooding at the clinic... That's terrible!

That's not the bad news.

Oh, of course it is bad news, very bad news,

but what she really rang to say is,

it looks unlikely she'll be flying home from Africa.

No. Really?

Not even for a few days? The clean-up will take weeks.

Oh, perfect, Christmas without Mum.

We'll be here though, won't we, Jimmy?

Yes!

Great, no Mum, just Punch and Judy.

LAUGHTER

I prefer to think of us as Kermit and Miss Piggy.

LAUGHTER

Christmas won't be Christmas without our mummy. I know.

What state-of-the-art electronic

gadgets could ever make up for that?

Jimmy.

Well, that's marvellous, isn't it?

I was looking forward to a quiet Christmas in the Italian Lakes

and now I'll have to cancel it. Poor Diana.

Who'd have thought that flooding in Africa could have such devastating consequences?

With Anne away, we'll have to pull together

to make this a proper, normal, traditional family Christmas.

I'll be in charge.

Oh, wait a minute...

One, this is not a proper, normal, traditional family

and two, for the last few years you've been off,

swigging Chianti with a bunch of leather-trousered gondoliers,

so how do you know how Molly and Alex spend their Christmas?

Well, that's rich coming from the drunken absentee father.

Hey, I would have been here.

Anne didn't want me around.

I wonder why? Maybe she was scared you would exhale and set fire to the tree.

I'm not like that any more, and you know it.

Well, the point is,

neither of us has been involved with the children's Christmas

for years.

I know this is a little bit out there,

but we could always ask Molly and Alex how they want to do Christmas.

Don't be ridiculous.

You can't just do what the children want - it would destroy the magic.

LAUGHTER

So, all in all, it's been a good year for me. Has it?

Well, I've made a bold career move...

That's right,

you've gone from being a qualified beautician and hairdresser

to working behind a bar.

But I've also gone back to college.

Exams, no money, exhaustion, chlamydia.

LAUGHTER

Yes, well, but I've got lots of other good things in my life.

You've got a loving boyfriend

who's invited you to spend Christmas with him. Yeah...

He hasn't, has he?

Bad sign.

He looked like he was about to the other day,

but it turned out to be trapped wind.

LAUGHTER

Busy tonight. Yeah.

Look at everyone, full of festive cheer.

Bloody Christmas crowd.

Bah, humbug.

They make me sick, these amateur drinkers

with their Baileys and blackcurrant and eggnog and Pernod.

I know, it's shocking, shocking.

I'll have a Perrier and mango juice with a Tabasco chaser.

LAUGHTER

All right, just a Coke.

I never had Christmas as a kid.

No? Didn't your family do Christmas, then?

Oh, yeah, but they didn't like me.

So I had to spend all day in the shed with the dog.

LAUGHTER

You know, so I didn't spoil it for everyone else.

Oh, Kev, but I'm sure it was a nice dog.

Not really. I was allergic to it, and it bit me.

Still, at least I wasn't spending Christmas alone.

I know, Jimmy, why don't you have your own office party?

Because there's just the two of us.

Oh, come on boss. Just because you're a small operation

doesn't mean you have to miss out. Miss out? Miss out on what?

Look at these people.

That bloke there,

he's gonna wake up in a skip tomorrow morning with Pauline from Accounts.

He's gonna have mysterious bruising and a sack full of regrets.

Sounds brilliant.

LAUGHTER

An office party!

All right, then...

As long as you don't expect me to grope you behind the filing cabinet.

Course not.

It'll be more fun if I'm not expecting it.

LAUGHTER

So, what's everyone doing on Christmas Day?

Oh, you know, just family stuff.

Because I've got the whole day off.

No pub, no studies...

I'm planning to be pampered and indulged all day long.

Like you deserve to be.

Going up to your dad's, then?

Looks like it.

Nearly there...

NEARLY there, ah...

There.

Now, does it look straight?

Yeah, but are you sure it's the right way up?

I've never seen one of these before, except in my dreams.

You can knock it off, Kev, you are getting your office party, all right?

Nah, it looks wonky to me. I'll be off then, boss.

Yuletide felicitations, my lady. Kevin.

Jimmy, I thought I told you to put newspaper down when he comes around.

Ah... That's it, yep, good. Ah!

A gift from the grateful people of Norway.

Nothing's too good for my children's perfect Christmas.

Then you shouldn't have chosen a lopsided tree. Here, let me.

Hands off, you vandal, I've just put it right.

SHE COUGHS

LAUGHTER

Now look what you've done.

Jimmy, we both want to give Alex and Molly a good time,

but it doesn't mean we have to spoil them.

If we don't spoil them, how will they know we love them?

All this commercialism is not in the spirit of a real family Christmas.

So you're all for a tangerine and a lump of coal? Magical.

No, what we should give the children is lots of time and attention.

Punishing them, there's a thought.

And instead of spoiling them rotten,

we can donate something to Africa on their behalf.

They've already donated their mother to Africa, Diana, isn't that enough?

All right, you have a point,

but I don't want you going mad

with the decorations.

No, I'll consult you every step of the way.

What, like you did with the leaning tree of Pisa next door?

LAUGHTER

My idea of Christmas is candles,

soft lighting and church choirs singing in the background.

All the family gathered around.

Funny, that's my idea of a funeral.

Come on, Diana, this is my first family Christmas in years.

I've spent the last three alone in a bedsit.

I wanna make up for lost time.

I want wall-to-wall sparkle...

I want baubles, lights, glitter, loud, bright, in your face.

Sounds like your taste in women these days.

LAUGHTER

I want the telly blaring all day long,

I wanna sit on the couch with a paper hat on

and stuff myself with dates until I'm sick.

Jimmy, you hate dates.

I know, they make me sick, but they're Christmassy!

People, you are now in the presence of Princess Sleeping Buffteen. What?

You got the starring role? That's brilliant!

Well done, Molly.

And should we hail the newly crowned king?

If you like, but I got the part of the prince's dog.

LAUGHTER

I don't have any lines, I don't get to sing...

all I do is follow the prince around barking and sniffing.

Never mind.

At least you got the lead!

THEY CHUCKLE

Alex, the director is obviously a fool.

Yeah. Maybe I chose the wrong audition speech.

You shouldn't blame yourself.

I gave them my Marlon Brando from On The Waterfront.

Yeah, you should blame yourself.

And now, I've got a one-way ticket to Palookaville.

MOBILE PHONE RINGS

Mrs Turner, how lovely to hear from you again.

What? So...sorry...

What? No... I, I'm...

I'm about to go into a tunnel!

LAUGHTER

Gran. Mmm? Will you come to rehearsals tomorrow

and help out with the costumes? Ooh, I don't know.

It will just be sewing on buttons.

I'd like to help, but it's Christmas and I'm busy and...

Oh, please, Gran.

All the other mums are helping out, apart from my mummy,

who isn't here, but far, far away in Africa.

All right, Dame Judi, save the theatrics for opening night.

Thank you!

MUSIC: Silent Night in German

DOOR SLAMS

HE WHISTLES JINGLE BELLS

You sneaky mare!

What?

THIS what.

I got home from work early

and thought I'd get started with the decorations.

Diana, THESE are our decorations.

I don't think so, Jimmy.

They're loud and vulgar.

Well, yours are boring.

I think you mean charming, but unobtrusive.

Well, they'd be even more unobtrusive in the bin.

They've all got to come down. Now. Jimmy...

You know how I adore to do exactly what you tell me, but no.

Now, I've got a rehearsal to go to.

But it's my tree.

And my fairy now has squatters' rights.

Besides, unless you promise not to take my decorations down,

I won't be able to go to the rehearsal,

and the children will be

disappointed because of you again.

Promise?

All right.

I promise not to take down your decorations.

Right, then.

LAUGHTER

Right, guys, so where were we?

Er, it's midnight at my sweet sixteen party,

the rappers are on,

and I've slipped out for a smoke and run into the wicked fairy.

I'm the DAMAGED fairy, remember?

I've got issues.

Really(?) Gran...!

You must be Mr Henderson. Er...

David.

The kids call me Dave.

Welcome to Sleeping Buffteen.

Are you um...gonna hang for a while?

Hanging's been abolished, Mr Henderson.

I'm actually here to sew.

That's cool. Chillax!

Take a seat.

OK, guys...

Hey, Gran.

How's the royal pooch?

I'm so getting into my character.

This dog is the part I was born to play.

I was just filling in the back story. In the script,

I'm called "dog", but I was thinking I need a name,

something street...

like "Woof Daddy",

or "Notorious D O G".

How about "Snuffy Chops"?

I wouldn't last ten minutes in the kennels with a name like that.

HE TUTS

Right, so we're down a back alley,

and the damaged fairy is tempting the princess with a used syringe.

Oh, honestly!

Right, so, Molly and Ellie, could you

run the scene...and think urban.

Hey girl, have I got a birthday present for you!

That's not a used syringe, is it?

Just one careful owner, check it out!

I dunno, because I don't need any more hassle from my peeps,

what with all the binge drinking an' all.

I'm really sorry, I don't understand this line. Just say it...

But... Say the line or you're off the project.

Now look here, Mr Henderson!

Dave, and I really can't take any more interruptions from the floor.

All right, I'm going to come closer.

LAUGHTER

Has this got anything to do with Sleeping Beauty?

Hey, it's got everything to do with the real world.

Oh, really? Of course.

Princess falls asleep for one hundred years,

giving us a chance to look at persistent vegetative states,

euthanasia, organ donation... It's relevant, it's perfect.

Perfect bilge.

Then, with the arrival of the prince,

we address the subject of deforestation,

leading to sexual awakening.

Huh...

Relationship issues, contraception,

abstinence, teenage pregnancy, Iraq...

..personal hygiene, arranged marriages, cultural tolerance -

the lot, it's a modern morality play.

It's complete tosh!

You should learn some more respect, Granny.

And YOU should learn that a fairy tale shouldn't be

a load of pretentious, patronising PC twaddle.

Save that for your Citizenship lessons. This is Christmas.

We prefer to call it "the holidays".

Now I think you should pack up your sewing and go.

And I think you should stop deluding yourself.

The children don't call you Dave.

They prefer to call you creepy Henderson.

THEY GIGGLE

So, it seems I'm now the director.

LAUGHTER

Wait a minute - you went along to sew on a few buttons,

and you ended up staging a coup?

Not something I asked for, but the children have spoken.

I've never seen a grown teacher cry before.

It's going to be magnificent.

I'm taking it back to the original Sleeping Beauty by Charles Perrault.

How simply super-duper. One is hugely relieved.

I've expunged every trace of topicality,

the gun crime rap has gone,

and we're going to have a traditional forest of thorns

instead of

an endangered rainforest.

But the prince still wakes me up with a kiss?

Of course, it's an essential element. Phew.

But it'll be in a castle turret room, not a rehab unit.

Oh, and Jimmy, I've volunteered you to make the scenery for the show.

Diana, that's not really how volunteering works.

Besides, I thought you already had someone doing that.

Mmm, they quit too. Yeah.

Miss Cuthbert was making the scenery,

but the word in our year is she and creepy Henderson are doing it.

LAUGHTER

With due respect, Molly,

feverish 15-year-olds think every teacher is doing it

with every other teacher,

but on this occasion you are actually correct.

So, do I have your agreement?

Diana, I can't.

I'm already run off my feet trying to give the kids a happy Christmas.

Doing our scenery would make us happy, Daddy.

Yes, Daddy.

LAUGHTER

OK, you've scared me into it.

And you're also doing props too.

The props woman was creepy Henderson's sister.

Three, two, one and...

DIANA SHOUTS: Jimmy!

LAUGHTER

Oh! Wow...

You promised,

you solemnly promised you'd keep my decorations up!

They are up - it's just mine are on top.

LAUGHTER

Now everybody, say hello to Santa.

Hello, Santa.

Ho ho ho... Merry Christmas! Excellent!

Ho ho ho... Merry Christmas!

And how do you know that Siobhan is really hacked off with me?

Oh, it's just something I overheard her say to Bobby.

So what was it, then?

"I'm really hacked off with Jimmy."

LAUGHTER

Well, never mind, I've got her a really nice present.

I'm sure that'll fix things.

So, boss, about the office party...

Kev, I've got so much on at the moment.

Work, presents, more decorations... Now I'm doing the school show.

So when is the office party?

LAUGHTER

Easter's looking good.

Boss, I know you won't let me down.

Hey, what's that? It's a forest of thorns for Sleeping Beauty.

You're making it all by yourself?

Only the forest. I got the rest of the props cheap

from the amateur theatre group up the road.

I've just got to change things. Why, what was their show?

Calamity Jane.

LAUGHTER

# Oh, the Deadwood stage is a-rollin' on over the plains

# With the curtains flappin' an' the driver slappin' the reins

BOTH: # A beautiful sky, a wonderful day

# So whip crack away, whip crack away, whip crack away

# Sand 'em up Joe, Sand 'em up Joe, Sand 'em up Joe... #

LAUGHTER

Having a nice little sing-song? I hope it's not slowing you down.

No, no, no...

Not at all, it speeds us up, like, um...sea shanties,

you know, the rhythm helps us...

# What shall we do with the drunken sailor? What shall... #

So you'll be done in time? Yeah, yeah, of course we will.

12 of Alistair's relatives are coming for Christmas,

and they'll all want to eat,

and you won't be finished, will you? Relax. It'll all be fine.

SHE SIGHS

What's that?

That's the, erm, breakfast bar.

It looks more like some sort of forest.

Oh, cheers.

That's just the undercoat.

It's actually called breakfast bar foresty green...shade.

I should have listened to Alistair

and gone with the Lithuanians instead.

Why, where were they going?

LAUGHTER

There you go.

Look, Ellie, not the damaged fairy any more.

No, you're just plain wicked.

Thanks, Mrs Neil.

This is traditional again, no maids a-texting,

no knights a-happy-slapping, no courtiers a-dancing-hip-hop.

Right, are we all here?

The prince, Sleeping Beauty.

Where's his faithful dog Snuffy Chops?

Sorry I'm late, I was chasing squirrels in the park.

LAUGHTER

What?

I'm researching my part, you know, the Method.

It's what Brando would have done.

I've buried my packed lunch, I've sniffed a lamppost

and started a feud with the postman.

For goodness sake, just take a seat over there.

I'm not allowed on the furniture. Sit!

All right, everyone, scene one!

Listen, Gran, I've been thinking.

When we get to the kiss, I think

it should be a really long one.

I need a lot of waking, you know - it has been 100 years.

I suppose so, but if we don't get

started we won't rehearse the kiss

until midnight. Mrs Neil...

My mum said we shouldn't do the kiss in rehearsals.

What?

Mum said that, say I catch something like winter vomiting disease?

What? Well, his mum does have a point. All right, Josh. Gran!

This is the theatre, the show must

go on even if everybody's vomiting.

Yes, but it's a tad less revolting if they're not.

SHE MOUTHS

All right everybody, places please.

Hey, look, Jimmy! That'll be us soon... Par-tay!

Can we play charades?

Chara... yeah. OK, Kev, here's one for you now.

Two words, second word sounds like cough.

Darren Gough.

Two points to you. Great.

Hi, Siobhan.

Hello, stranger...

What you got there?

That's for you. Merry Christmas.

Thank you.

But don't you want to give it to me nearer Christmas Day...

or on it? No, I thought I'd give it to you now,

in case I don't see you again till afterwards.

Until afterwards - right, good, that's very thoughtful.

Wow, Jimmy, that's actually lovely.

Thank you. You're welcome.

See, full of surprises.

Go on, then, do it up. Right...

Nice, very elegant.

He's giving me a party.

Oh, excuse me, where did you get your hat?

So, Jimmy,

who's gonna be around at yours on Christmas Day?

Er, me, Diana, Molly and Alex. Just the people who are special to you?

Yeah. Your loved ones.

Yeah. Well, that's what it's all about, isn't it, eh?

Hang on a minute,

I am such an idiot.

Why? Diana isn't a loved one!

LAUGHTER

Coke please, Bobby.

No, no, no...

What part of "step, two, three,

"turn, two, three, arabesque, two, three", did you not understand?

And keep your head up when you present your arabesque, up, up...

This castle scene, what's my motivation?

You're not motivated, you're a dog.

I can't work like this.

If anyone needs me, I'll be in my basket.

LAUGHTER

Ah, fine...

What is THAT?

Spinning wheel.

Haven't you read the script? It looks like a cartwheel stuck to a table.

Shh, shh, shh, shh, shhh...

You'll spoil the magic.

I wanted a REAL one.

I find there's not much demand for spinning wheels these days.

Now, if you wanted a cupboard...

Sleeping Beauty can't prick herself

on a cupboard!

Although with your workmanship...

Where's my forest of thorns?

It's coming along.

What do you mean "coming along"?

The show's tomorrow. What about the castle walls?

Um... And the baby's cradle?

Ah, now that I CAN help you with. One baby's cradle.

That's a bucket.

You pop a baby in that, it'll be asleep in no time, look.

LAUGHTER

Well, you wanted it done quickly.

Hey Dad, amazing castle gates.

Castle gates?

SPAGHETTI WESTERN MUSIC

I've got to go.

Oh!

MUSIC: Deck The Halls

Move along, move along. There's nothing to see!

ELECTRICAL CRACKLING

Ah, here you are.

Yes, we were guided here from the east by a bright glow in the sky.

Well, then, what do you think? Alex, Molly?

I think you're frying the planet single-handedly.

But in a fun way.

I have a bone to pick with you.

Don't be such a snob, Diana,

it's just a few hundred fairy lights.

And I'm bringing joy to the entire neighbourhood.

Until someone charges their mobile

and the whole national grid goes down. You spoilsport.

Anyway, what was that lame apology for a castle

Kevin delivered this afternoon?

It looked like you'd stolen the scenery from some low rent version of Paint Your Wagon.

Paint Your Wagon?! How dare you?

It was Calamity Jane.

How appropriate.

I'm trying to do my best for everyone

in the time that I have got,

which is none, thanks to you. Oh, it's MY fault, is it,

that you're working all hours

to fund Jimmy's 1000 megawatt grotto

when you should be here for your children? I am always here for my children.

Just not literally.

I'm being pulled in all directions.

Oh, you poor little lamb.

Get real, Buster, this is Christmas. It's not supposed to be fun.

Yeah, I've noticed. And just make sure I have my forest

in time for the dress rehearsal tomorrow.

Diana, stop telling me what to do.

You're turning into some sort of tyrannical director.

It's like working with Adolf Hitchcock.

Just look who I have to work with, a bunch of amateurs.

It's an amateur production! Everything you do is amateur, Jimmy.

I'm not surprised Anne doesn't want to spend Christmas with you.

Meaning what? Well, "the clinic's flooded"...

Really!

Oh, yeah? Well, guess what -

Anne hated Christmas with you so much, she married me!

Take that back!

No.

And you can find some other sucker to rescue your play because I quit!

Oh, it's that easy, is it?

Well, if you quit my play, I quit your Christmas.

No dinner, no turkey, nothing.

Sounds great!

The minute the curtain falls tomorrow night,

I'm flying to Italy, arrivederci!

I don't care what airline you're on.

LAUGHTER

You go ahead and have the Christmas you want, because I won't be here.

Good, Santa got my letter!

Ho ho ho! Merry Christmas!

Merry stinking Christmas.

AIR HISSES OUT OF SANTA

Ho ho hooooo....

Meeeerrry Chriiiiistmaaaaasss...

LAUGHTER

Come on, Santa, you can do this.

Come on, you're a fighter.

Come on, come on...

Come on! Dad, he's gone.

LAUGHTER

Let him go.

Oh, I can't wait for tonight. A kiss from my handsome prince at last.

Ah, it feels like I've been waiting 100 years.

Feels like you've been banging on about it a lot longer.

Where's Gran? At school, getting stuff ready for tonight.

Dad, she muttered something about the forest of thorns.

Er yeah, there isn't gonna be any forest of thorns.

What?

And while we're on the subject there...

There isn't gonna be any Christmas dinner either.

No Christmas dinner?

No, um... Your gran and I had this big row.

So? You're always having big rows.

Molly, this was a BIG row.

This was a family size, Santa-popping, mother-in-law of all rows.

Oh, perfect.

No Christmas dinner, no Mum, no scenery.

No inflatable Santa.

It's gonna take a hell of a lot of over-priced electronic gadgets to make up for this.

Ellie's always said I can spend Christmas at hers.

Can I come too?

If you want.

You know what, I may not have been able to save Santa,

but I'm gonna try and save Christmas.

Yeah, right.

Siobhan.

Jimmy.

I'd stop wearing that scarf if I was you - it's turned your neck green.

The green isn't from the scarf,

it's from your necklace, and it won't come off.

It's a symbol of my everlasting love.

Yes, every time I scrub my neck, I'll think of you.

Maybe you're allergic to pure gold.

Save it, Jimmy.

For once I thought you'd actually gone to some expense for me -

wrong again! You obviously bought it cheap from some bloke in a pub.

I did not! It was really, really expensive...

And it was a bookies.

What, so you're unromantic and stupid.

My ideal man.

Siobhan, I'm really, really sorry, OK?

Especially as I've got something very important to ask you.

Really?

Well, as you know, this is the first Christmas that I've organised myself

so I want it to be really special, so would you... Go on...

Cook our turkey?

Oh, you mean come round?

Yeah, yeah, come round...

drop it off, you'll be back at your dad's before he knows you've gone.

Have you any idea how this is making you look?

No, no, it's all right, I'll pay you.

LAUGHTER

Jimmy, if you open your mouth one more time

I could kill you

and get off with community service.

What?

Hey, boss...

LAUGHTER

Office party time.

Er, yeah, Kev, I haven't forgotten, honestly, it's just, erm...

I've got to see a woman about a turkey,

so why don't you...I don't know, photocopy your bum or something?

LAUGHTER

Ah, you're here. Not for long.

As soon as the show ends, I board my plane.

It'll just be me, a room full of strangers

and a view of Lake Garda - bliss!

Instead of Christmas in the house that taste forgot.

Oh, come on Diana, can't we be a family for a few days longer?

It'll all be over by Boxing Day.

It's over for me at ten o'clock tonight.

Eleven o'clock, Italian time.

Yeah...

Yeah, you run away, as long as YOU have a happy Christmas.

How dare you accuse ME of being selfish?

The scenery for the children's show is what really matters to THEM.

No, Diana, that's what really matters to YOU.

All I want is for someone to cook me a stupid turkey.

I want, I want.

Run away, run away.

Me, me, me. You, you, you.

Nah, nah, nah...

Listen to us - we sound like a couple of spoilt brats.

You started it.

LAUGHTER

All right, here's the deal.

One Christmas dinner with all the trimmings in exchange for the forest of thorns.

Done.

Thank you. Right, the forest is still at Mrs Turner's. I'll go and get it.

One other thing,

I'd like to make some minor changes to the decorations.

How minor? Major.

Turkey, chestnut stuffing, little chipolatas?

Wrapped in bacon?

But of course.

You're on. Excellent. You pop off and get the forest of thorns,

and I'll stay here and make a start. No, it's all right, I've got time.

I'll give you a hand. Don't you trust me?

Never have, never will.

LAUGHTER

I'm very glad you're staying, Diana.

Ah...

Well, it wouldn't be a proper family Christmas

without a difficult older relative.

HE BLOWS PARTY-BLOWER

LAUGHTER

HE LAUGHS

Kev, it's been three hours.

Don't worry, hic! He'll be back.

Any minute now he'll come walking through that door.

No, he's not, take it from a veteran.

He wouldn't miss our office party for the world.

I think he already has.

At least make a start on your turkey.

I'll give him...hic! I'll give him...hic!

I'll give him another ten minutes.

Let it go, Kev. Never in a million years.

Oh, well, better get back to work.

Ellie, how do they look?

Slippery. Have you been using lip gloss?

Loads.

Twenty minutes till curtain up, and I can't find your father!

Have you seen him? No.

LAUGHTER

Alex, have you seen Dad? Woof!

In English. No, I haven't.

He PROMISED he'd be here in time with the forest of thorns!

We can't have the prince slashing his way through thin air... or a cactus.

LAUGHTER

Everything going swimmingly?

HE GROWLS

Down, boy.

Bobby, where's Kev?

You're too late, Jimmy - the party's over. Party?

Oh, that! Yes, that.

Kev's gone back to work...

all alone, a crushed and broken man.

Oh, thank goodness.

Well, he's got the keys to get into Mrs Turner's kitchen.

Hi, Siobhan.

Hello.

Look, I've gotta dash.

Fine.

Sorry about earlier. OK.

We should talk about this.

Nothing to talk about.

So you're OK, then?

Yup.

I can't help thinking you're not telling me the whole truth.

OK, Jimmy, let me paint you a picture.

It's Christmas, the time of the year

when people step aside from their busy lives

to spend time with their loved ones.

But my boyfriend, instead of inviting me to stay for Christmas,

asks me to do the catering and then leave.

You don't understand. I understand.

You don't want me to be part of your family Christmas.

Well, why would you want to be? What?

If you go to your dad's,

you'll be fussed over and showered with gifts.

If you come to mine, all you'll get are bickering recriminations

and frequent references to my failed marriage.

Now, why would I inflict that on you?

Because it's Christmas.

I want you to inflict it on me,

if you're going to suffer, I can suffer with you.

So, we can have a horrible time together?

Yes, if you really want to.

Well, of course I do.

Oh...

Gotta go.

LAUGHTER

Well?

His mobile's off.

One minute till curtain up, how could he do this to us?

Woof! In English.

We don't actually need the forest of thorns till Act Two.

You're right, that could buy us some time.

Hello again.

Exciting, isn't it?

Oh... WOOF!

Gran!

Language!

LAUGHTER

RECORDER PLAYS

Once upon a time in a castle far, far away...

Kev!

Boss...

I'm sorry, I'm sorry about the party.

I was upset, I was very upset

but I know you're under a lot of pressure at the moment,

to get everything done in time,

so I've decided to be a bigger man and rise above the hurt.

Well, that's very understanding...

So I thought I'd give you a really nice surprise, and...

HE BURPS

I've finished the job for you.

You steaming great moron!

Boss, the hurt's coming back.

Shut up and help me. I'm sorry, no.

I've clocked off until January.

OK, Kev, would you like to come and have Christmas dinner with us?

I'll get back to you...

Yes.

LAUGHTER

Ladies and gentlemen, please take your seats.

Act Two is about to begin.

He's here! At last!

Where were you?

The second act is about to start. A small technical hitch,

but here I am. Worth waiting for, hey.

LAUGHTER

The forest has got handles!

Yes, for ease of carrying.

Oh, Jimmy, please!

One fairy tale a night is enough, get the rest and hurry up!

Jawohl, mein Direktor.

LAUGHTER

A hundred years passed,

and a mighty forest of thorns grew up around the sleeping princess...

How's it been so far?

Frankly, it's a triumph.

Jimmy, I'd feel giddy with success if I were the giddy type.

Well, I hate to say this, Diana,

but it looks like you've done a great job.

I might say the same for you.

Go on, then.

LAUGHTER

I don't want to make you feel awkward.

Oh... It's Molly's big moment.

I will find the fair princess that sleeps beyond the enchanted forest.

No thorns will keep me from my royal bride.

SCENERY SQUEAKS

HE LAUGHS SINISTERLY

HE SIGHS

He's out cold.

Here! The show must go on.

This is totally out of character for a Golden Retriever.

You're the prince now.

You've been plucked from obscurity to become a star.

I don't know the words!

Improvise!

LAUGHTER

I don't understand.

I could have had class,

I could have been a contender, I could have been someone!

Alex, not that!

You talking to me?

You talking to me, huh?

Alex!

Luke, I am your father.

Be the prince, Alex!

Kiss the princess.

Oh, oh!

Wakey, wakey, sleepy head.

Aaaahhh!

LAUGHTER

SCENERY CRASHES NOISILY

SHE COUGHS

APPLAUSE

It's a bit modern, isn't it?

MUSIC: Deck The Halls

LAUGHTER

Why on earth did you think we needed another one?

I didn't think it was another one.

Jimmy asked me to cook this the other day.

I see. Don't you trust my cooking?

At that point, Diana,

you and your turkey were off to Italy!

Well, it was no trouble, I mean, it only took me seven hours.

LAUGHTER

Well, I trusted you, Jimmy. What?

With the scenery.

Why does EVERY conversation in this house come back to me and scenery?

Because your slapdash workmanship destroyed my show.

DOORBELL RINGS

And ruined it for me and Josh.

And I nearly got kissed by my dog breath brother.

It's the most humiliating night of my life.

LAUGHTER

Look on the bright side, it's on YouTube's most viewed.

Do you think I could maybe put this down, please?

Merry Christmas. God bless us, every one.

Oh, look, Kev's brought a turkey.

This is from everyone at the office, i.e. me.

It was nice of you to invite Kev, he must be so special to you.

Oh, yes, we truly are the chosen ones.

Do you think you can manage to carve, Jimmy?

Certainly, Diana. Now, which part of which turkey would you like?

EXPLOSION

ELECTRICAL CRACKLING

LOUD BANG

Before anyone says anything, I am still holding a carving knife.

LAUGHTER

# After you've gone

# And left me crying

# After you've gone

# There's no denying

# Someday, when you grow lonely

# Your heart will break like mine

# And you'll want me only

# After you've gone

# After you've gone away. #

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

E-mail subtitling@bcc.co.uk