All language subtitles for After.Youve.Gone.S02E09.1080p.iP.WEB-DL.AAC2.0.H.264-HECATE_track3_[eng]

# After you've gone

# And left me crying

# After you've gone

# There's no denying

# Someday, when you grow lonely

# Your heart will break like mine

# And you'll want me only

# After you've gone

# After you've gone away. #

Yes... Yes, Mrs Turner, I...

We've got weeks yet, I...

I promise you, you will have
a fully functioning kitchen

in time for Christmas.

Yes, I swear on my mother's life.

OK, bye-bye.

Your mother's alive again(?)

LAUGHTER

It's a miracle!

And just in time to put her back
on my Christmas card list.

Customers - they nag you
to start the job,

then the minute you start,
they want you to finish.

The nerve(!)

What's so vital about having
a kitchen in time for Christmas,
anyway?

Christmas is about more
than just cooking.

You know, Jimmy, if you didn't take
on seven jobs at once...

I wouldn't be able
to pay for Christmas.

Nonsense. Molly and Alex
don't want lavish presents,

they want quality time
with their father.

SHE MOUTHS

LAUGHTER

Nineteen days till Mum
gets back for Christmas.

Counting the days
makes it go slower.

Not for me. I'll be so immersed
in the school play.

Wonderful! Alex, have you got
a part? Not quite yet.

Audition's soon, though.

By Wednesday night,
you'll be looking at the king.

You're playing Elvis?

LAUGHTER

He must mean Richard III or Lear.

No, it's...the king
in Sleeping Beauty.

How sad is that(?)

Not sad at all the way
Mr Henderson directs it.

Not creepy Henderson,
the Citizenship teacher?

It's now an urban morality tale

for the late noughties called...

Sleeping Buffteen.

How vile.

PHONE RINGS

Oh, that'll be Mrs Turner
or one of the others.

Look, whoever it is, just say
I'm racing round there this second.

LAUGHTER

You're not going in
for this school play?

No, I hate school productions.

All the saddos and the show-offs

strutting and posing.

No offence.

No, no, you've got a point, Moll.

Josh Armstrong's playing the prince.

Some poor sap's gonna have to put up
with him kissing her awake.

Imagine, a long, lingering kiss...

with Josh.

SHE CLEARS HER THROAT

So, um...
Have they cast the princess yet?

Nope.

Maybe I'll go up for it, I mean...

I could sleep
for a hundred years, easy.

Yeah, I know, Moll,
you do it every Saturday.

That was your mother.
A bit of bad news, I'm afraid.

There's been flooding
at the clinic... That's terrible!

That's not the bad news.

Oh, of course it is bad news,
very bad news,

but what she really rang to say is,

it looks unlikely
she'll be flying home from Africa.

No. Really?

Not even for a few days?
The clean-up will take weeks.

Oh, perfect, Christmas without Mum.

We'll be here though,
won't we, Jimmy?

Yes!

Great, no Mum, just Punch and Judy.

LAUGHTER

I prefer to think of us
as Kermit and Miss Piggy.

LAUGHTER

Christmas won't be Christmas
without our mummy. I know.

What state-of-the-art electronic

gadgets could ever make up for that?

Jimmy.

Well, that's marvellous, isn't it?

I was looking forward to a quiet
Christmas in the Italian Lakes

and now I'll have to cancel it.
Poor Diana.

Who'd have thought
that flooding in Africa could have
such devastating consequences?

With Anne away,
we'll have to pull together

to make this a proper, normal,
traditional family Christmas.

I'll be in charge.

Oh, wait a minute...

One, this is not a proper,
normal, traditional family

and two, for the last few years
you've been off,

swigging Chianti with a bunch
of leather-trousered gondoliers,

so how do you know how Molly
and Alex spend their Christmas?

Well, that's rich coming
from the drunken absentee father.

Hey, I would have been here.

Anne didn't want me around.

I wonder why? Maybe she was scared
you would exhale
and set fire to the tree.

I'm not like that any more,
and you know it.

Well, the point is,

neither of us has been involved
with the children's Christmas

for years.

I know this is a little bit
out there,

but we could always ask Molly and
Alex how they want to do Christmas.

Don't be ridiculous.

You can't just do what the children
want - it would destroy the magic.

LAUGHTER

So, all in all, it's been
a good year for me. Has it?

Well, I've made
a bold career move...

That's right,

you've gone from being a qualified
beautician and hairdresser

to working behind a bar.

But I've also gone back to college.

Exams, no money,
exhaustion, chlamydia.

LAUGHTER

Yes, well, but I've got lots
of other good things in my life.

You've got a loving boyfriend

who's invited you to spend Christmas
with him. Yeah...

He hasn't, has he?

Bad sign.

He looked like he was about to
the other day,

but it turned out
to be trapped wind.

LAUGHTER

Busy tonight. Yeah.

Look at everyone,
full of festive cheer.

Bloody Christmas crowd.

Bah, humbug.

They make me sick,
these amateur drinkers

with their Baileys and blackcurrant
and eggnog and Pernod.

I know, it's shocking, shocking.

I'll have a Perrier and mango juice
with a Tabasco chaser.

LAUGHTER

All right, just a Coke.

I never had Christmas as a kid.

No? Didn't your family
do Christmas, then?

Oh, yeah, but they didn't like me.

So I had to spend all day
in the shed with the dog.

LAUGHTER

You know, so I didn't spoil it
for everyone else.

Oh, Kev,
but I'm sure it was a nice dog.

Not really. I was allergic to it,
and it bit me.

Still, at least I wasn't
spending Christmas alone.

I know, Jimmy, why don't you
have your own office party?

Because there's just the two of us.

Oh, come on boss. Just because
you're a small operation

doesn't mean you have to miss out.
Miss out? Miss out on what?

Look at these people.

That bloke there,

he's gonna wake up in a skip tomorrow
morning with Pauline from Accounts.

He's gonna have mysterious bruising
and a sack full of regrets.

Sounds brilliant.

LAUGHTER

An office party!

All right, then...

As long as you don't expect me to
grope you behind the filing cabinet.

Course not.

It'll be more fun
if I'm not expecting it.

LAUGHTER

So, what's everyone
doing on Christmas Day?

Oh, you know, just family stuff.

Because I've got the whole day off.

No pub, no studies...

I'm planning to be pampered
and indulged all day long.

Like you deserve to be.

Going up to your dad's, then?

Looks like it.

Nearly there...

NEARLY there, ah...

There.

Now, does it look straight?

Yeah, but are you sure
it's the right way up?

I've never seen one of these before,
except in my dreams.

You can knock it off, Kev, you are
getting your office party, all right?

Nah, it looks wonky to me.
I'll be off then, boss.

Yuletide felicitations, my lady.
Kevin.

Jimmy, I thought I told you to put
newspaper down when he comes around.

Ah... That's it, yep, good. Ah!

A gift from the grateful people
of Norway.

Nothing's too good
for my children's perfect Christmas.

Then you shouldn't have chosen
a lopsided tree. Here, let me.

Hands off, you vandal,
I've just put it right.

SHE COUGHS

LAUGHTER

Now look what you've done.

Jimmy, we both want to give
Alex and Molly a good time,

but it doesn't mean
we have to spoil them.

If we don't spoil them,
how will they know we love them?

All this commercialism is not in the
spirit of a real family Christmas.

So you're all for a tangerine
and a lump of coal? Magical.

No, what we should give the children
is lots of time and attention.

Punishing them, there's a thought.

And instead of spoiling them rotten,

we can donate something to Africa
on their behalf.

They've already donated their mother
to Africa, Diana, isn't that enough?

All right, you have a point,

but I don't want you going mad

with the decorations.

No, I'll consult you
every step of the way.

What, like you did with
the leaning tree of Pisa next door?

LAUGHTER

My idea of Christmas is candles,

soft lighting and church choirs
singing in the background.

All the family gathered around.

Funny, that's my idea of a funeral.

Come on, Diana, this is
my first family Christmas in years.

I've spent the last three
alone in a bedsit.

I wanna make up for lost time.

I want wall-to-wall sparkle...

I want baubles, lights, glitter,
loud, bright, in your face.

Sounds like your taste
in women these days.

LAUGHTER

I want the telly blaring
all day long,

I wanna sit on the couch
with a paper hat on

and stuff myself with dates
until I'm sick.

Jimmy, you hate dates.

I know, they make me sick,
but they're Christmassy!

People, you are now in the presence
of Princess Sleeping Buffteen. What?

You got the starring role?
That's brilliant!

Well done, Molly.

And should we hail
the newly crowned king?

If you like, but I got
the part of the prince's dog.

LAUGHTER

I don't have any lines,
I don't get to sing...

all I do is follow the prince around
barking and sniffing.

Never mind.

At least you got the lead!

THEY CHUCKLE

Alex, the director
is obviously a fool.

Yeah. Maybe I chose
the wrong audition speech.

You shouldn't blame yourself.

I gave them my Marlon Brando
from On The Waterfront.

Yeah, you should blame yourself.

And now, I've got a one-way ticket
to Palookaville.

MOBILE PHONE RINGS

Mrs Turner, how lovely
to hear from you again.

What? So...sorry...

What? No... I, I'm...

I'm about to go into a tunnel!

LAUGHTER

Gran. Mmm? Will you come
to rehearsals tomorrow

and help out with the costumes?
Ooh, I don't know.

It will just be sewing on buttons.

I'd like to help, but it's Christmas
and I'm busy and...

Oh, please, Gran.

All the other mums are helping out,
apart from my mummy,

who isn't here,
but far, far away in Africa.

All right, Dame Judi, save
the theatrics for opening night.

Thank you!

MUSIC: Silent Night in German

DOOR SLAMS

HE WHISTLES JINGLE BELLS

You sneaky mare!

What?

THIS what.

I got home from work early

and thought I'd get started
with the decorations.

Diana, THESE are our decorations.

I don't think so, Jimmy.

They're loud and vulgar.

Well, yours are boring.

I think you mean
charming, but unobtrusive.

Well, they'd be even more
unobtrusive in the bin.

They've all got to come down. Now.
Jimmy...

You know how I adore to do exactly
what you tell me, but no.

Now, I've got a rehearsal to go to.

But it's my tree.

And my fairy now
has squatters' rights.

Besides, unless you promise
not to take my decorations down,

I won't be able to go
to the rehearsal,

and the children will be

disappointed because of you again.

Promise?

All right.

I promise not to take down
your decorations.

Right, then.

LAUGHTER

Right, guys, so where were we?

Er, it's midnight
at my sweet sixteen party,

the rappers are on,

and I've slipped out for a smoke
and run into the wicked fairy.

I'm the DAMAGED fairy, remember?

I've got issues.

Really(?) Gran...!

You must be Mr Henderson. Er...

David.

The kids call me Dave.

Welcome to Sleeping Buffteen.

Are you um...gonna hang for a while?

Hanging's been abolished,
Mr Henderson.

I'm actually here to sew.

That's cool. Chillax!

Take a seat.

OK, guys...

Hey, Gran.

How's the royal pooch?

I'm so getting into my character.

This dog is the part
I was born to play.

I was just filling in
the back story. In the script,

I'm called "dog",
but I was thinking I need a name,

something street...

like "Woof Daddy",

or "Notorious D O G".

How about "Snuffy Chops"?

I wouldn't last ten minutes in
the kennels with a name like that.

HE TUTS

Right, so we're down a back alley,

and the damaged fairy is tempting
the princess with a used syringe.

Oh, honestly!

Right, so, Molly and Ellie, could you

run the scene...and think urban.

Hey girl, have I got
a birthday present for you!

That's not a used syringe, is it?

Just one careful owner,
check it out!

I dunno, because I don't need
any more hassle from my peeps,

what with all the binge drinking
an' all.

I'm really sorry, I don't understand
this line. Just say it...

But... Say the line
or you're off the project.

Now look here, Mr Henderson!

Dave, and I really can't take any
more interruptions from the floor.

All right, I'm going to come closer.

LAUGHTER

Has this got
anything to do with Sleeping Beauty?

Hey, it's got everything
to do with the real world.

Oh, really? Of course.

Princess falls asleep
for one hundred years,

giving us a chance to look
at persistent vegetative states,

euthanasia, organ donation...
It's relevant, it's perfect.

Perfect bilge.

Then, with the arrival of the prince,

we address
the subject of deforestation,

leading to sexual awakening.

Huh...

Relationship issues, contraception,

abstinence,
teenage pregnancy, Iraq...

..personal hygiene, arranged
marriages, cultural tolerance -

the lot, it's a modern morality play.

It's complete tosh!

You should learn
some more respect, Granny.

And YOU should learn
that a fairy tale shouldn't be

a load of pretentious,
patronising PC twaddle.

Save that for your Citizenship
lessons. This is Christmas.

We prefer to call it "the holidays".

Now I think you should
pack up your sewing and go.

And I think you should stop
deluding yourself.

The children don't call you Dave.

They prefer to call you
creepy Henderson.

THEY GIGGLE

So, it seems I'm now the director.

LAUGHTER

Wait a minute - you went along
to sew on a few buttons,

and you ended up staging a coup?

Not something I asked for,
but the children have spoken.

I've never seen
a grown teacher cry before.

It's going to be magnificent.

I'm taking it back to the original
Sleeping Beauty by Charles Perrault.

How simply super-duper.
One is hugely relieved.

I've expunged
every trace of topicality,

the gun crime rap has gone,

and we're going to have
a traditional forest of thorns

instead of

an endangered rainforest.

But the prince still wakes me up
with a kiss?

Of course,
it's an essential element. Phew.

But it'll be in a castle
turret room, not a rehab unit.

Oh, and Jimmy, I've volunteered you
to make the scenery for the show.

Diana, that's not really
how volunteering works.

Besides, I thought you
already had someone doing that.

Mmm, they quit too. Yeah.

Miss Cuthbert was making
the scenery,

but the word in our year is she
and creepy Henderson are doing it.

LAUGHTER

With due respect, Molly,

feverish 15-year-olds think
every teacher is doing it

with every other teacher,

but on this occasion
you are actually correct.

So, do I have your agreement?

Diana, I can't.

I'm already run off my feet trying
to give the kids a happy Christmas.

Doing our scenery would
make us happy, Daddy.

Yes, Daddy.

LAUGHTER

OK, you've scared me into it.

And you're also doing props too.

The props woman was
creepy Henderson's sister.

Three, two, one and...

DIANA SHOUTS: Jimmy!

LAUGHTER

Oh! Wow...

You promised,

you solemnly promised
you'd keep my decorations up!

They are up -
it's just mine are on top.

LAUGHTER

Now everybody, say hello to Santa.

Hello, Santa.

Ho ho ho... Merry Christmas!
Excellent!

Ho ho ho... Merry Christmas!

And how do you know that Siobhan
is really hacked off with me?

Oh, it's just something
I overheard her say to Bobby.

So what was it, then?

"I'm really hacked off with Jimmy."

LAUGHTER

Well, never mind,
I've got her a really nice present.

I'm sure that'll fix things.

So, boss, about the office party...

Kev, I've got so much
on at the moment.

Work, presents, more decorations...
Now I'm doing the school show.

So when is the office party?

LAUGHTER

Easter's looking good.

Boss, I know you won't let me down.

Hey, what's that? It's a forest
of thorns for Sleeping Beauty.

You're making it all by yourself?

Only the forest.
I got the rest of the props cheap

from the amateur theatre group
up the road.

I've just got to change things.
Why, what was their show?

Calamity Jane.

LAUGHTER

# Oh, the Deadwood stage
is a-rollin' on over the plains

# With the curtains flappin'
an' the driver slappin' the reins

BOTH: # A beautiful sky,
a wonderful day

# So whip crack away,
whip crack away, whip crack away

# Sand 'em up Joe, Sand 'em up Joe,
Sand 'em up Joe... #

LAUGHTER

Having a nice little sing-song?
I hope it's not slowing you down.

No, no, no...

Not at all, it speeds us up,
like, um...sea shanties,

you know, the rhythm helps us...

# What shall we do with the drunken
sailor? What shall... #

So you'll be done in time?
Yeah, yeah, of course we will.

12 of Alistair's relatives
are coming for Christmas,

and they'll all want to eat,

and you won't be finished, will you?
Relax. It'll all be fine.

SHE SIGHS

What's that?

That's the, erm, breakfast bar.

It looks more like
some sort of forest.

Oh, cheers.

That's just the undercoat.

It's actually called
breakfast bar foresty green...shade.

I should have listened to Alistair

and gone
with the Lithuanians instead.

Why, where were they going?

LAUGHTER

There you go.

Look, Ellie,
not the damaged fairy any more.

No, you're just plain wicked.

Thanks, Mrs Neil.

This is traditional again,
no maids a-texting,

no knights a-happy-slapping,
no courtiers a-dancing-hip-hop.

Right, are we all here?

The prince, Sleeping Beauty.

Where's his faithful dog
Snuffy Chops?

Sorry I'm late, I was
chasing squirrels in the park.

LAUGHTER

What?

I'm researching my part,
you know, the Method.

It's what Brando would have done.

I've buried my packed lunch,
I've sniffed a lamppost

and started a feud with the postman.

For goodness sake,
just take a seat over there.

I'm not allowed on the furniture.
Sit!

All right, everyone, scene one!

Listen, Gran, I've been thinking.

When we get to the kiss, I think

it should be a really long one.

I need a lot of waking,
you know - it has been 100 years.

I suppose so, but if we don't get

started we won't rehearse the kiss

until midnight. Mrs Neil...

My mum said we shouldn't do the kiss
in rehearsals.

What?

Mum said that, say I catch something
like winter vomiting disease?

What? Well, his mum does have
a point. All right, Josh. Gran!

This is the theatre, the show must

go on even if everybody's vomiting.

Yes, but it's a tad less
revolting if they're not.

SHE MOUTHS

All right everybody, places please.

Hey, look, Jimmy!
That'll be us soon... Par-tay!

Can we play charades?

Chara... yeah.
OK, Kev, here's one for you now.

Two words,
second word sounds like cough.

Darren Gough.

Two points to you. Great.

Hi, Siobhan.

Hello, stranger...

What you got there?

That's for you. Merry Christmas.

Thank you.

But don't you want to give it to me
nearer Christmas Day...

or on it? No,
I thought I'd give it to you now,

in case I don't see you again
till afterwards.

Until afterwards - right,
good, that's very thoughtful.

Wow, Jimmy, that's actually lovely.

Thank you. You're welcome.

See, full of surprises.

Go on, then, do it up. Right...

Nice, very elegant.

He's giving me a party.

Oh, excuse me,
where did you get your hat?

So, Jimmy,

who's gonna be around at yours
on Christmas Day?

Er, me, Diana, Molly and Alex. Just
the people who are special to you?

Yeah. Your loved ones.

Yeah. Well, that's what
it's all about, isn't it, eh?

Hang on a minute,

I am such an idiot.

Why? Diana isn't a loved one!

LAUGHTER

Coke please, Bobby.

No, no, no...

What part of "step, two, three,

"turn, two, three, arabesque, two,
three", did you not understand?

And keep your head up when you
present your arabesque, up, up...

This castle scene,
what's my motivation?

You're not motivated, you're a dog.

I can't work like this.

If anyone needs me,
I'll be in my basket.

LAUGHTER

Ah, fine...

What is THAT?

Spinning wheel.

Haven't you read the script? It looks
like a cartwheel stuck to a table.

Shh, shh, shh, shh, shhh...

You'll spoil the magic.

I wanted a REAL one.

I find there's not much demand
for spinning wheels these days.

Now, if you wanted a cupboard...

Sleeping Beauty can't prick herself

on a cupboard!

Although with your workmanship...

Where's my forest of thorns?

It's coming along.

What do you mean "coming along"?

The show's tomorrow.
What about the castle walls?

Um... And the baby's cradle?

Ah, now that I CAN help you with.
One baby's cradle.

That's a bucket.

You pop a baby in that,
it'll be asleep in no time, look.

LAUGHTER

Well, you wanted it done quickly.

Hey Dad, amazing castle gates.

Castle gates?

SPAGHETTI WESTERN MUSIC

I've got to go.

Oh!

MUSIC: Deck The Halls

Move along, move along.
There's nothing to see!

ELECTRICAL CRACKLING

Ah, here you are.

Yes, we were guided here from the
east by a bright glow in the sky.

Well, then, what do you think?
Alex, Molly?

I think you're frying
the planet single-handedly.

But in a fun way.

I have a bone to pick with you.

Don't be such a snob, Diana,

it's just a few hundred fairy lights.

And I'm bringing joy
to the entire neighbourhood.

Until someone charges their mobile

and the whole national grid
goes down. You spoilsport.

Anyway, what was
that lame apology for a castle

Kevin delivered this afternoon?

It looked like you'd stolen the
scenery from some low rent
version of Paint Your Wagon.

Paint Your Wagon?! How dare you?

It was Calamity Jane.

How appropriate.

I'm trying to do my best for everyone

in the time that I have got,

which is none, thanks to you.
Oh, it's MY fault, is it,

that you're working all hours

to fund Jimmy's 1000 megawatt grotto

when you should be here
for your children?
I am always here for my children.

Just not literally.

I'm being pulled in all directions.

Oh, you poor little lamb.

Get real, Buster, this is Christmas.
It's not supposed to be fun.

Yeah, I've noticed.
And just make sure I have my forest

in time for
the dress rehearsal tomorrow.

Diana, stop telling me what to do.

You're turning into
some sort of tyrannical director.

It's like working
with Adolf Hitchcock.

Just look who I have to work with,
a bunch of amateurs.

It's an amateur production!
Everything you do is amateur, Jimmy.

I'm not surprised Anne doesn't
want to spend Christmas with you.

Meaning what?
Well, "the clinic's flooded"...

Really!

Oh, yeah? Well, guess what -

Anne hated Christmas with you
so much, she married me!

Take that back!

No.

And you can find some other sucker
to rescue your play because I quit!

Oh, it's that easy, is it?

Well, if you quit my play,
I quit your Christmas.

No dinner, no turkey, nothing.

Sounds great!

The minute the curtain falls
tomorrow night,

I'm flying to Italy, arrivederci!

I don't care what airline you're on.

LAUGHTER

You go ahead and have the Christmas
you want, because I won't be here.

Good, Santa got my letter!

Ho ho ho! Merry Christmas!

Merry stinking Christmas.

AIR HISSES OUT OF SANTA

Ho ho hooooo....

Meeeerrry Chriiiiistmaaaaasss...

LAUGHTER

Come on, Santa, you can do this.

Come on, you're a fighter.

Come on, come on...

Come on! Dad, he's gone.

LAUGHTER

Let him go.

Oh, I can't wait for tonight. A kiss
from my handsome prince at last.

Ah, it feels
like I've been waiting 100 years.

Feels like you've been banging on
about it a lot longer.

Where's Gran? At school,
getting stuff ready for tonight.

Dad, she muttered something
about the forest of thorns.

Er yeah, there isn't gonna be any
forest of thorns.

What?

And while we're
on the subject there...

There isn't gonna be
any Christmas dinner either.

No Christmas dinner?

No, um... Your gran and I
had this big row.

So? You're always having big rows.

Molly, this was a BIG row.

This was a family size,
Santa-popping,
mother-in-law of all rows.

Oh, perfect.

No Christmas dinner,
no Mum, no scenery.

No inflatable Santa.

It's gonna take a hell of a lot
of over-priced electronic gadgets
to make up for this.

Ellie's always said
I can spend Christmas at hers.

Can I come too?

If you want.

You know what, I may not
have been able to save Santa,

but I'm gonna try and save Christmas.

Yeah, right.

Siobhan.

Jimmy.

I'd stop wearing that scarf if I was
you - it's turned your neck green.

The green isn't from the scarf,

it's from your necklace,
and it won't come off.

It's a symbol of my everlasting love.

Yes, every time I scrub my neck,
I'll think of you.

Maybe you're allergic to pure gold.

Save it, Jimmy.

For once I thought you'd actually
gone to some expense for me -

wrong again! You obviously bought it
cheap from some bloke in a pub.

I did not!
It was really, really expensive...

And it was a bookies.

What, so you're
unromantic and stupid.

My ideal man.

Siobhan, I'm really,
really sorry, OK?

Especially as I've got something
very important to ask you.

Really?

Well, as you know, this is the first
Christmas that I've organised myself

so I want it to be really special,
so would you... Go on...

Cook our turkey?

Oh, you mean come round?

Yeah, yeah, come round...

drop it off, you'll be back at your
dad's before he knows you've gone.

Have you any idea
how this is making you look?

No, no, it's all right, I'll pay you.

LAUGHTER

Jimmy, if you open your mouth
one more time

I could kill you

and get off with community service.

What?

Hey, boss...

LAUGHTER

Office party time.

Er, yeah, Kev, I haven't forgotten,
honestly, it's just, erm...

I've got to see a woman
about a turkey,

so why don't you...I don't know,
photocopy your bum or something?

LAUGHTER

Ah, you're here. Not for long.

As soon as the show ends,
I board my plane.

It'll just be me,
a room full of strangers

and a view of Lake Garda - bliss!

Instead of Christmas
in the house that taste forgot.

Oh, come on Diana, can't we
be a family for a few days longer?

It'll all be over by Boxing Day.

It's over for me
at ten o'clock tonight.

Eleven o'clock, Italian time.

Yeah...

Yeah, you run away, as long
as YOU have a happy Christmas.

How dare you accuse ME
of being selfish?

The scenery for the children's show
is what really matters to THEM.

No, Diana, that's
what really matters to YOU.

All I want is for someone
to cook me a stupid turkey.

I want, I want.

Run away, run away.

Me, me, me. You, you, you.

Nah, nah, nah...

Listen to us - we sound like
a couple of spoilt brats.

You started it.

LAUGHTER

All right, here's the deal.

One Christmas dinner with all
the trimmings in exchange
for the forest of thorns.

Done.

Thank you. Right, the forest is still
at Mrs Turner's. I'll go and get it.

One other thing,

I'd like to make some minor changes
to the decorations.

How minor? Major.

Turkey, chestnut stuffing,
little chipolatas?

Wrapped in bacon?

But of course.

You're on. Excellent. You pop off
and get the forest of thorns,

and I'll stay here and make a start.
No, it's all right, I've got time.

I'll give you a hand.
Don't you trust me?

Never have, never will.

LAUGHTER

I'm very glad you're staying, Diana.

Ah...

Well, it wouldn't be
a proper family Christmas

without a difficult older relative.

HE BLOWS PARTY-BLOWER

LAUGHTER

HE LAUGHS

Kev, it's been three hours.

Don't worry, hic! He'll be back.

Any minute now he'll come walking
through that door.

No, he's not,
take it from a veteran.

He wouldn't miss
our office party for the world.

I think he already has.

At least make a start
on your turkey.

I'll give him...hic!
I'll give him...hic!

I'll give him another ten minutes.

Let it go, Kev.
Never in a million years.

Oh, well, better get back to work.

Ellie, how do they look?

Slippery.
Have you been using lip gloss?

Loads.

Twenty minutes till curtain up,
and I can't find your father!

Have you seen him? No.

LAUGHTER

Alex, have you seen Dad? Woof!

In English. No, I haven't.

He PROMISED he'd be here in time
with the forest of thorns!

We can't have the prince slashing
his way through thin air...
or a cactus.

LAUGHTER

Everything going swimmingly?

HE GROWLS

Down, boy.

Bobby, where's Kev?

You're too late,
Jimmy - the party's over. Party?

Oh, that! Yes, that.

Kev's gone back to work...

all alone, a crushed and broken man.

Oh, thank goodness.

Well, he's got the keys
to get into Mrs Turner's kitchen.

Hi, Siobhan.

Hello.

Look, I've gotta dash.

Fine.

Sorry about earlier. OK.

We should talk about this.

Nothing to talk about.

So you're OK, then?

Yup.

I can't help thinking you're
not telling me the whole truth.

OK, Jimmy,
let me paint you a picture.

It's Christmas, the time of the year

when people step aside
from their busy lives

to spend time with their loved ones.

But my boyfriend, instead of
inviting me to stay for Christmas,

asks me to do the catering
and then leave.

You don't understand. I understand.

You don't want me to be part
of your family Christmas.

Well, why would you want to be? What?

If you go to your dad's,

you'll be fussed over
and showered with gifts.

If you come to mine, all you'll get
are bickering recriminations

and frequent references
to my failed marriage.

Now, why would I inflict that on you?

Because it's Christmas.

I want you to inflict it on me,

if you're going to suffer,
I can suffer with you.

So, we can have
a horrible time together?

Yes, if you really want to.

Well, of course I do.

Oh...

Gotta go.

LAUGHTER

Well?

His mobile's off.

One minute till curtain up,
how could he do this to us?

Woof! In English.

We don't actually need
the forest of thorns till Act Two.

You're right,
that could buy us some time.

Hello again.

Exciting, isn't it?

Oh... WOOF!

Gran!

Language!

LAUGHTER

RECORDER PLAYS

Once upon a time in a castle
far, far away...

Kev!

Boss...

I'm sorry, I'm sorry about the party.

I was upset, I was very upset

but I know you're under
a lot of pressure at the moment,

to get everything done in time,

so I've decided to be a bigger man
and rise above the hurt.

Well, that's very understanding...

So I thought I'd give you
a really nice surprise, and...

HE BURPS

I've finished the job for you.

You steaming great moron!

Boss, the hurt's coming back.

Shut up and help me. I'm sorry, no.

I've clocked off until January.

OK, Kev, would you like to come
and have Christmas dinner with us?

I'll get back to you...

Yes.

LAUGHTER

Ladies and gentlemen,
please take your seats.

Act Two is about to begin.

He's here! At last!

Where were you?

The second act is about to start.
A small technical hitch,

but here I am.
Worth waiting for, hey.

LAUGHTER

The forest has got handles!

Yes, for ease of carrying.

Oh, Jimmy, please!

One fairy tale a night is enough,
get the rest and hurry up!

Jawohl, mein Direktor.

LAUGHTER

A hundred years passed,

and a mighty forest of thorns grew
up around the sleeping princess...

How's it been so far?

Frankly, it's a triumph.

Jimmy, I'd feel giddy with success
if I were the giddy type.

Well, I hate to say this, Diana,

but it looks like
you've done a great job.

I might say the same for you.

Go on, then.

LAUGHTER

I don't want to make you
feel awkward.

Oh... It's Molly's big moment.

I will find the fair princess that
sleeps beyond the enchanted forest.

No thorns will keep me
from my royal bride.

SCENERY SQUEAKS

HE LAUGHS SINISTERLY

HE SIGHS

He's out cold.

Here! The show must go on.

This is totally out of
character for a Golden Retriever.

You're the prince now.

You've been plucked from obscurity
to become a star.

I don't know the words!

Improvise!

LAUGHTER

I don't understand.

I could have had class,

I could have been a contender,
I could have been someone!

Alex, not that!

You talking to me?

You talking to me, huh?

Alex!

Luke, I am your father.

Be the prince, Alex!

Kiss the princess.

Oh, oh!

Wakey, wakey, sleepy head.

Aaaahhh!

LAUGHTER

SCENERY CRASHES NOISILY

SHE COUGHS

APPLAUSE

It's a bit modern, isn't it?

MUSIC: Deck The Halls

LAUGHTER

Why on earth did you think
we needed another one?

I didn't think it was another one.

Jimmy asked me to cook this
the other day.

I see. Don't you trust my cooking?

At that point, Diana,

you and your turkey
were off to Italy!

Well, it was no trouble, I mean,
it only took me seven hours.

LAUGHTER

Well, I trusted you, Jimmy. What?

With the scenery.

Why does EVERY conversation in this
house come back to me and scenery?

Because your slapdash workmanship
destroyed my show.

DOORBELL RINGS

And ruined it for me and Josh.

And I nearly got kissed
by my dog breath brother.

It's the most humiliating night
of my life.

LAUGHTER

Look on the bright side,
it's on YouTube's most viewed.

Do you think I could maybe
put this down, please?

Merry Christmas.
God bless us, every one.

Oh, look, Kev's brought a turkey.

This is from everyone at the office,
i.e. me.

It was nice of you to invite Kev,
he must be so special to you.

Oh, yes,
we truly are the chosen ones.

Do you think you can manage
to carve, Jimmy?

Certainly, Diana. Now, which part
of which turkey would you like?

EXPLOSION

ELECTRICAL CRACKLING

LOUD BANG

Before anyone says anything,
I am still holding a carving knife.

LAUGHTER

# After you've gone

# And left me crying

# After you've gone

# There's no denying

# Someday, when you grow lonely

# Your heart will break like mine

# And you'll want me only

# After you've gone

# After you've gone away. #

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

E-mail subtitling@bcc.co.uk