Original subtitles

# After you've gone

# And left me crying

# After you've gone

# There's no denying

# Some day, when you grow lonely

# Your heart will break like mine

# And you'll want me only

# After you've gone

# After you've gone away. #

You know what I love most about this job, boss?

The bright lights, the applause?

The fact that we can take an ordinary wall

and turn it into a bigger ordinary wall.

Yeah, it's quite an achievement.

I bet you I can lift that bag of sand above my head.

Kev, no, that is silly, juvenile and dangerous. Twenty quid.

You're on.

Come on then, Kev, let's have a bit of ambition.

Oh, well, there's no shame in failing, as long as you shoot for the stars.

Your turn. Oh, I don't think so. Cluck, cluck, cluck!

Do you honestly think I'm gonna fall for that? Cluck, cluck, cluck!

All right, stand clear.

Molly, did you remember to pack your gym kit? Yes, Gran.

Alex, I assume you've studied for your maths test?

Nope. Now, listen to me, young man, without a decent education, you'll end up on the scrap heap,

the bottom of the pile, the very dregs of society... well, just like your father.

Relax, Gran, I was going to study but then I thought,

"Why study maths when I can study the noble art of telepathy?"

Because telepathy doesn't exist.

Ah, my poor sibling with your mere five senses. This way, I'll never

need to revise again,

I'll read the thoughts of the person next to me. And if you're next to an idiot? I knew you'd say that.

TELEPHONE RINGS

This isn't over.

Hello. I knew she was gonna say that.

Think of an animal, any animal. OK.

Now think of a place, any place.

OK, I'm thinking of a place.

Now think of an object, any object. Fine.

Are you thinking of...

a hippo in a Post Office, holding a bottle of vinaigrette? Yes!

I knew it. What are you doing? Writing down everything you said,

so your future therapist has all the right information.

Quick, children, get your coats,

no-one's going to school today.

Really? Is it bad news? No, your father's been

rushed to hospital.

Dad!

Careful, careful. Oh, sorry.

What happened? Well, in my line of work, sometimes these little accidents are unavoidable.

No matter how strictly you adhere to the safety in the workplace guidelines.

Kev said you were trying to, and I quote, "Lift a big bag of sand above your head."

Well, like I say, unavoidable. For a bet.

Are you gonna be OK, Dad? Your father has a hernia, which is one of the main consequences

of stupidity in older men. Unfortunately, it's not fatal.

It makes sitting, lying, standing or walking a might uncomfortable though.

When's the operation? Some time later today,

but I don't want you kids to worry, because there is every chance I will pull through.

It's only a hernia, Jimmy.

They say a hernia is as painful as having a baby.

Nonsense.

A hernia will never grow up and disappoint you by marrying beneath herself.

I just want to say that I think you're being really brave,

but you don't have to pretend with me, I know you're crying inside.

No, I'm not. You are, Dad.

No, I'm not.

Alex, take your telepathy outside.

But we were connecting.

You too, Molly, I want to have a word with your father.

Now, this is only a hernia, isn't it?

It isn't one of those things where you tell the children you'll be fine, put on a brave face

and two days later, you're dead from some horrible flesh-eating virus?

Just wishful thinking. You will be

able to cope without me, won't you?

I'll be out of commission for some time.

Out of commission, don't you mean, lounging on the sofa doing nothing?

Oh, right, how will we cope in the face of such change?

Oh, you're leaving, shame(!) Before I go,

I must talk to Anne's colleagues, make sure they take care of you properly.

Is this Anne's old ward? Yes, don't you remember?

I don't remember very much about my marriage to Anne. Lucky you.

I recall you made quite a splash at several of her work parties. Did I?

I wonder if the nurses will remember you.

Er, nurse, could I have a quick word?

Enjoy your stay, Jimmy.

It's gonna be weird without Dad here.

Of course it will be weird at first, but after a while it might start to feel quite pleasant, joyous even.

I found this on the landing, it's one of his.

Alex, for goodness sake, take that out of the kitchen this instant.

It still smells of him.

Oh, you are too gross.

Molly, this is all we have left of Daddy.

Look, I miss Dad too, but I'm still not gonna smell his sock.

No-one's smelling anyone's sock.

Your father will be back soon, and until then, I am your father.

Put on a Darth Vader mask and say that again.

Nurse!

Nurse...

Nurse, please. What?

You remember me, don't you?

Just jog my memory.

The Christmas party.

You drank the bar dry and got my name wrong.

That's right, I called you a...

A hatchet-faced angel of death.

Well, in fairness, you weren't wearing your name tag.

And why did you throw up on my shoes?

I don't know, you're the medical expert.

Look, don't take it personally, I wasn't very nice to anyone back then.

Especially your wife.

I've sorted that now, we're divorced.

I know, I helped Anne celebrate.

Can't we call a truce?

Yeah, why not.

Taking it out on you after all this time would be cruel and petty...

but fun.

Stop, stop...

Stop! Stop!

I'm seeing a rocking chair, a very old woman and an oil slick.

Alex, can't you see I'm exhausted, I've done everything your father

usually does and more.

I've watched TV with you, I've driven Molly to Ellie's and to the shop then back to Ellie's.

I've been in the loft, I've mowed the lawn, I've cleared the guttering. By the way,

where does your father put dead pigeons? He chucks them over the

hedge. Good. Now, will you please

go away and leave me alone!

Gran? Yes.

Have you taken down the ladder? Yes.

Have you locked it in the shed? Why?

Oh, it's just my TV's gone all fuzzy, Dad usually goes

on the roof to fix it.

Bad luck.

Now, will you two please get lost!

That totally sounded like Dad.

Come on.

Can't be wrapped in cotton wool forever. It's been at least..

ten minutes since your operation. Did everything go smoothly? Fine.

We're pretty sure we took out

the right kidney. What? Only joking.

It was the left one.

Oh, it's all fun and games till someone gets a hernia. Hi.

Hiya, boss.

I brought you these.

I got you these, I wasn't hungry.

It's not my fault you took so long to come round.

Oh, I'm sorry I took up so much of your precious time.

That's all right. To tell you the truth, I feel partly responsible for all this.

Partly!

Ah, my poor little injured soldier!

Siobhan, I'm a grown man,

but while we're on the subject, the nurses are being really horrible to me. Why?

Well, they knew me in my not so nice days, you know, the insult people and vomit on their shoes days. Yes.

It turns out medical professionals really hold a grudge.

There you are, don't choke on it.

See.

Where's Kev gone?

There you go. Lovely. Can I get a cup of tea to go with that?

Of course.

Kev, there's someone in that bed.

He's only gone to the toilet.

Hey, you snooze, you lose.

What are you doing, Gran? Throwing away all the food that might be bad for your father's health.

Since when do you care about Dad's health? Since I realised

he isn't completely useless. We need him.

If only to climb up ladders, fix televisions and chuck dead pigeons over the hedge.

I want him back on his feet as soon as possible, which

means no more junk food.

You don't have to throw it all away. Yeah, you could give it to the homeless.

I don't want to be responsible for homeless obesity.

They take up enough room as it is.

I'm home! Ow...

Ow... Ow... Ow... Ow...

Ow...

Ow, come on, I'm in a lot of pain here!

I know, Dad, and you're thinking...

someone should come over there and help you.

Oh, sorry...

Careful, careful, careful, careful, careful...

Agh...

Great to see you, Dad. Welcome back to civilization, hernia man.

I thought you weren't being discharged till later.

I couldn't wait that long, I discharged myself.

I've had no sleep, I had to keep one eye open all night, looking out

for those night nurses, creeping round in the shadows and whispering.

Can I get you anything, Dad? No, no, no, no, you relax.

Diana, could you get me a cup of tea?

Oh, and a biscuit.

You're enjoying this, aren't you?

What, being as weak as a kitten and needing you to nurse me back to health? Of course not.

Fine, I've just made some tea. Children, get ready for school, you can see your father later.

Are you sure you'll be OK, Dad?

What, with my own personal nurse, I'll be right as rain. Here...

Oh, thank you, Diana, you're very kind.

Ooh, no sugar.

And did I, or did I not, ask for a biscuit?

There'll be no biscuits, Jimmy, nor any sweets, chocolate or sugar.

From now on, nothing will pass your lips that isn't

100% nutritious and healthy.

Seriously, get me a biscuit.

Oh, I'm serious, Jimmy.

It turns out having you around is rather convenient for me,

so I've decided to keep you alive for as long as possible.

Well, don't I get a say in this?

Jimmy, you're a grown man, feel free to go through to the kitchen and eat whatever fatty rubbish you can find.

Ooh, I forgot, you're as weak as a kitten and can barely move, shame!

Molly!

Yes. Can you pass me the remote?

Molly!

Yes. Can you get me a biscuit? Sorry, Dad, Gran says, the sooner you're up on your feet,

the sooner you can fix the aerial, clean out the gutters, and drive me and Ellie to Top Shop.

Oh, Alex... Yes, Dad. Can you get me a... Ssh, don't tell me,

an orange,

a Swiss army knife, a copy of When We Were Children by Kazuo Ishiguro?

Forget it. Diana!

Must dash. Where are you going? Work, of course. The world doesn't stop turning

because Jimmy Venables has a hernia. Come on, Diana, you can't leave me like this.

Molly won't help, and Alex is giving me the creeps.

What am I supposed to eat all day? Ooh, I've got a treat for you.

Is it boiled egg and soldiers, just the way I like them?

A rice cake.

Nutritious and delicious.

You are a devil woman.

And your painkillers, two every four hours.

And don't operate heavy machinery.

I did...

Have a nice day.

Well, these are bound to have some sugar in them.

Diana?

Let me tell you something, Diana,

you and me,

we've got to stop this fighting.

Ah, it's no good, man!

Why don't we just mellow out, be cool

for the sake of the kids?

I love those kids.

Come in...?

Talk to me, Diana.

Wakey-wakey, sleepy head.

Oh, oh, I've been having the weirdest dream...

And I think I still am.

I read your mind and I could tell you needed cheering up, and let's face it, what's funnier than clowns?

Off the top of my head, death?

You're not laughing. Well spotted!

Can you go and get me some water?

Of course.

In a bucket or a squirty flower?

On second thoughts, just run away and join the circus.

How was your day, Jimmy?

I've absolutely no idea.

Oh, good.

We should make a special meal this evening,

spend some quality time together as a family. How many of these have you had?

No, no, no, no, no, it's just since getting hurt, I have gained a new perspective on life.

Coming that close to death, well, it changes a man.

Dad. Ah, Molly!

Come and sit beside me, tell me about your day.

Why? Because I want to know how my daughter spends her time.

How many of these has he taken?

Am I not allowed to take an interest in my own children?

Now come and tell me about your day.

OK, well, I had double maths... Good.

Then English... Mm-hm...

And then I came home and found my dad had written me a really creepy letter.

I didn't write you a letter.

Yeah, you did - I found it under my pillow.

Let me see that.

"To my dear sweet daughter, you will never know how much you mean to me.

"You are groovy."

Oh, my God...

Keep reading - it gets even weirder.

"It's all too beautiful,

"it's all too beautiful." What is this, Jimmy?

Nothing.

It's just a...a joke, you know.

What a laugh!

Are you sure you're OK, Dad?

Yeah, I'm fine, I'm fine, I'm fine, I'm tip-top.

You're behaving very strangely, Jimmy.

Do you know, I'm just gonna go and have a lie down.

You've been lying down all day. Yeah, well, I'm gonna go and have

a lie down somewhere else.

Let this be a lesson to you, Molly - men only get stranger with age.

For a man who was as weak as a kitten this morning, you seem

awfully quick on your feet.

It must have been the clown thing.

Well, make yourself useful and set the table.

Jimmy...

what are you looking for? Nothing. You must be looking for something. Nope!

What are you going through those drawers like a madman for?

Exercise.

Come on, Jimmy - what are you looking for that you don't want us to find?

All these years I've been trying to see what you were thinking.

I've tried bonding, I've tried asking you outright, I've tried telepathy,

and now I finally know how you feel about me, Dad.

He wrote you a letter as well?

I never knew I was the wind beneath your wings.

Oh, my God.

I'll never forget this day.

This is a nightmare.

Well, you did take one too many happy pills!

But if we found Molly's letter and we found Alex's letter,

that must mean there's one more.

DOORBELL RINGS

I'll get it.

Did you write me a sappy letter as well?

Course not! I was high, not stupid.

There he is, my handsome one!

You are so sweet.

Yeah, why?

Is Molly in?

Well, she's upstairs, why? Well, we should call her down.

OK...why?

Oh... ..Molly, can you come down here for a sec?

Diana, you can take a break for a few minutes, can't you? Yes.

Jimmy and I have got something we need to tell you.

Have we?

What's going on? I'm not really sure.

Diana, kids,

Jimmy and I are getting married.

Oi! Ow.

All right, boss? No, I'm not all right.

Thanks to you and your stupid bet, my life is in ruins. Oh.

Oh, no, you're kidding.

Do I look like I'm kidding? Is there...

permanent damage? There will be when Siobhan finds out what I've done.

Let me guess, you've strayed with another woman. We've all been there.

No it's not that. Then what... you insulted her mother?

Accidentally told her she looked fat?

If I had a penny for every time I...

Bobby, I took too many painkillers and I have proposed.

Oh, I've never done that.

So let me get this straight, you lift up a bag of sand and give yourself a hernia,

you take too many painkillers and propose to your girlfriend

and somehow it's all my fault?

Yes.

Look, what am I gonna do? I need help.

I'm not ready to get married again.

Then you've come to the right place.

I've never proposed to anyone under the influence,

but I have promised to love and cherish a complete stranger

in a drive-through wedding chapel in Vegas.

You got married in Vegas?

In a drive-through wedding chapel?

I only wanted a Big Mac.

Then I saw the Elvis impersonator holding a bible, so I knew something wasn't right.

How did you get out of it?

I faked my death, changed my name - easy.

You're joking, right?

Course I am.

What do you take me for?

I drove her into the desert and left her there.

So how was school today?

Fine, you know, the usual.

You didn't, oh, I don't know, get the results of that maths test you were supposed to be studying for?

Well, sorry, Gran, but my theory

worked - I got 98%.

I sat next to the cleverest kid in class.

And I suppose you feel good about that, do you?

Er, well, yeah - I didn't revise, I still passed

and I'm part of the next step in human evolution, where's the bad?

The bad, Alex, is that you still think you can get

away with sitting on your laurels - you passed because you're clever.

And telepathic.

You didn't see that coming, did you?

Please, no-one speak.

I just need a moment.

To gather your thoughts. Mm-hm.

To get things straight in your mind. Mmm.

To decide whether you're gonna have chicken or fish at the reception.

Diana, please. After you and Siobhan

get married, are you gonna live here?

I don't know. Can I be best man?

I don't care. Can I help Siobhan pick the bridesmaids? Enough!

If I was to buy a hat, what sort of a hat do you think...?

Oh, for goodness sake!

That was fun, wasn't it?

# Here comes the bride Sixty inches wide. #

Siobhan. It'll be Siobhan Venables soon.

Are these all wedding magazines?

Every last one of them.

I was thinking of a July wedding, somewhere rural, rural and big...

like a castle.

A castle, really? You don't think about something a bit smaller? You know, like a scout hut

or a two-man tent?

Oh, no, this is our big day, Jimmy - I want the works.

Doves and ice sculptures, oh, and a honeymoon somewhere really hot and expensive.

Siobhan, I don't know how to say this...

Oh, that is so sweet - you love me so much you can't even put it into words, oh,

we're gonna be so happy, Jimmy. We're gonna have a big wedding

and a huge reception

and we'll buy a house in the country and have lots of babies...

I was on drugs!

I'd taken too many stupid painkillers and that's the only reason I proposed.

I'm also fairly certain that Marie Antoinette was in the room at one point.

You were on drugs?

Legal prescription drugs for the pain I was in.

So the only reason you proposed was because...

you didn't know what you were doing.

Yes.

But you said I was once, twice, three times a lady.

Siobhan, I am so sorry.

Oh, oh, it took you long enough to admit it, oh.

You mean you knew?

Of course I knew. I've been out with enough losers to know when someone's

off their face on painkillers.

Siobhan, I've been going crazy thinking about this.

The last

hour and a half has been a nightmare.

Well, it serves you right.

So you're not angry with me, then? No!

Just promise me one thing, Jimmy.

Anything.

Don't ever propose to me again unless you mean it.

I promise.

I hope you didn't do any other stupid things during your trip on the magic roundabout.

Course not.

Looking for this?

Where did you find that? Behind the sherry, somewhere you knew I would find it.

Don't...! Why not?

Do you really want to hold me to something I wrote under the influence of drugs?

Absolutely!

Don't! What now?

Look, if this whole experience has taught us anything, surely

it's that we are better as a team, which means we should help each other

and respect one another's wishes.

Actually, that was quite convincing.

Really? Until the last part.

Now, once and for all, we are going to find out what you really think of me.

Careful, Jimmy - don't give yourself another hernia.

"Diana, there's no polite way of saying this, so here goes -

you're an interfering old bat,

"I wish I'd never met you and I hope your broomstick gives you splinters.

"However, in the time we've been looking after the kids together,

"I've come to respect and admire you as a grandmother and as a human being.

"I must admit you do want what's

best for the children and I couldn't do this on my own."

Oh, Jimmy, how sweet. Is that it?

No.

"There's something else I have to say to you. It's a bit embarrassing

"and I never thought I'd confess this to anyone, least of all you.

"The thing is I have a...

"Continued on page two." Well, Jimmy, where's page two?

Page two...

I don't know. Oh, I think you do.

Oh, PAGE two? No, no, I remember now there is no page two, because, erm,

the pen ran out and then so did the paper. Erm, would you like a

cup of tea?

Oh no, you don't!

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd - 2007

E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk