Original subtitles

So, how'd it go last night?

It was great, she was all over me.

She even gave me her phone number.

Oh, yeah? Yeah, and she said she'd see me around sometime.

Mmm, sounds really promising(!)

All right, if you don't believe me, I'll call her.

PHONE RINGS

Hello? Hello, can I speak to Mandy, please?

Mandy?

Is there a Mandy here?

Keep it down, Bobby, I'm on the phone.

Sorry, she's not here.

That was a bit embarrassing.

I'll say. It was her husband.

3.95, please.

Oh, erm, could you put that on my tab? Your tab? Yes, please.

You don't have a tab, Jimmy.

What you have is a yawning pit of debt.

Don't worry, I'll handle this. Could you put it on my tab?

And the same goes for you.

No, Bobby, we have a system.

You give us a final demand, we give you two grovelling apologies.

You grant an extension on the final demand and then six weeks later we settle up, so what's happened?

I've happened, I'm doing the books now.

I want this place to run like a business, not a soup kitchen for destitute builders.

Oh, come on, I've just got a bit of a cash flow problem.

So have I, your cash just isn't flowing my way.

I'll tell you what, this arguing's thirsty work.

I'll have a pint please. Coming right up.

Bobby!

Oh, you nearly had me there.

Hey, hey are you gonna let the bar staff tell you what to do?

Are you a man or a mouse?

As long as my takings are 10% up, squeak, squeak!

Oh, what!

What am I gonna do about all these bills?

I don't know, pay them?

Diana, unless you've got something really useful to say,

like, "Here's a cheque for £547.23," please leave me alone.

I'll leave you alone.

Alex Venables, pleased to meet you.

Alex Venables, pleased to meet you.

Alex Venables, pleased to meet you.

Hey! Wish I'd thought of that. What are you doing, Molly?

Slapping a geek. Well, don't.

He's got to get used to it if he's going into politics.

Is this right, Alex? Oh, yeah, if everything goes to plan,

you're looking at the next head prefect of Hursteen Secondary School.

Oh, you're not still flogging that dead horse, are you?

You're setting yourself up for a very public humiliation.

That's right, don't bother, don't try, don't get above yourself,

don't aim high because you'll only miss, don't do anything at all.

See, your Gran backs me up.

DOORBELL

That'll be Mrs Greerson.

Alex Venables, the man to open the front door.

Oh, my God, he's gonna be a nightmare.

Your brother is showing a glimmering spark of ambition.

Does no-one in this house have one positive thing to say to him?

Yes, stop now before you fall flat on your face.

That won't help him in later life. Neither will having a flat face.

Gran, when people like him get a whiff of power it goes straight to their head.

When I left this room I pledged to open the front door, and I have opened that door.

Ladies and gentlemen, I give you Mrs Greerson.

Oh, bon soir. Pret a partir? Bien sur!

Comme d'habitude? Formidable.

Well, don't mind me, I'll just turn on the subtitles.

Sorry, it's just the pre-evening class adrenaline bursting through.

I know, it's so exciting, isn't it?

So you're not really French, then?

Don't worry about him, he only speaks one language and that barely.

I'm sorry, I didn't catch your name. Er, Fungus the Bogeyman.

You'll have to excuse my son in law, he's a builder.

Oh, how wonderfully serendipitous, I've been looking for a builder.

Really? The search isn't over.

My kitchen desperately needs an overhaul, I don't suppose you could fit me in?

Well, I could have a look in the diary. He's very busy.

In demand, he should be good then.

He SHOULD be.

Alons c'est pas?

Le professeur...

will be waiting.

I think that's the best class we've had all term.

I find the correct use of the subjunctive so bracing.

You know Pam, I was about to say the same thing myself. A votre sante!

To new friends!

It's a shame about your son in law... Yes.

..being so busy. Oh, I see.

It's so hard to find good builders when you're new to an area.

Is there any way we could win him over?

Crisps.

I don't suppose he likes classical music?

Not as much as crisps.

In fact he thinks Beethoven is a big dog.

Why do you ask?

Well, my husband and I used to go

to the Bayreuth Festival every year

but now we've separated it means I have a spare ticket.

You have tickets to Bayreuth? Yes.

Bayreuth, Germany? We are talking about the most sought after music festival in the world?

That's right and its such a problem to find someone to go with me. Who likes Wagner these days?

I like Wagner.

Just a pity you're not a builder.

But I could get you one.

When I said he was busy

I was simply protecting him, I'd hate to see him have a heart attack.

You also gave the impression he wasn't very good at his job.

No, no that's just a game we play.

I say he's no good at his job and he teases me about

my impeccable manners.

Oh, well, if it's not meant to be.

Maybe I could have a quiet word in his ear.

Wake up! ..Wake up!

Mmm, cheese and onion.

Jimmy, you have to take that job.

What?

Mrs Greerson's kitchen. Well,

tell her to find someone who's awake.

Jimmy, I'm depending on you.

Wait a minute, you're recommending me for a job? Yes.

Did I understand that correctly? Because I only speak the one language and that only barely.

Well, recommend might be too strong a word, I'm ordering you to do it.

Well, what's in it for you? Nothing,

just a casual act of kindness.

So casual that you burst into my room in the night

and shake out half my fillings!

Well, all right,

Pam Greerson's got two tickets to Bayreuth.

Middle East, bit risky.

Bayreuth is a town in Germany where they hold an annual celebration

of the works of Richard Wagner, if you've ever heard of him.

Well, of course I've heard of Richard Wagner.

Stephanie Powers, Hart To Hart.

Why don't you just buy your own ticket?

They're like gold dust. To stand the remotest chance of getting one, you have to write

to the box office in perfect German every year for at least ten years

and even that's no guarantee.

One misplaced umlaut and you're straight to the back of the queue.

And if you mess this job up, I'll misplace both your umlauts.

Do I get the feeling that this is really important to you?

Well, don't you see? It couldn't be more perfect. You need the work,

Pam needs her kitchen done

and I need that ticket. How long will you be gone for?

About two weeks. Oh, got yourself a deal.

MUSIC: "Ride Of The Valkyries"

I love the smell of bacon in the morning.

You can't spoil my good mood, Jimmy. MUSIC STOPS

In two weeks I'll be listening to this on a Bavarian hillside

in the company of 2,000 like-minded people.

My God, if you get organised, the whole world's in trouble!

Thanks. I need a cup of tea.

Alex Venables, just your cup of tea.

Are you still going on about that election?

Mmm. Alex Venables, consistent.

Alex, I don't mean to be discouraging

but you're starting to get on my nerves.

This is great, Gran, grass-roots feedback.

Alex Venables, no more slogans.

I've ironed your overalls for you.

What have you done to them?!

They're all clean!

And I've scraped the paint off your work boots. Morning. Morning.

Diana, they're meant to be dirty. I'm a builder, not the Pope's dentist.

That's another thing, don't talk about religion

while you're at Mrs Greerson's. Or politics or football.

Dog fighting, the congestion charge, darts or page three girls.

What do you think I am?

We're not getting into that now.

I knew it, I knew it, he's power-mad. Listen to this.

"To do list, one, write manifesto, two, get elected,

"three, organise victory parade around the playground,

"four, take petty revenge on those who have slighted me."

They're just doodles. ..What are you doing looking at my secret plans? That's really underhand.

I'm doomed.

And what does it matter to you whether he wins or not?

Because he's my brother. I'll be tainted by association.

Everyone will hate me.

I'll be like Hitler's sister.

Hey, you should try being Hitler's son in law.

You're exaggerating, Molly. And you.

I'm exaggerating?!

Listen to this, "Vote Venables - the sword of vengeance."

Oh, don't worry, Molly. He won't deliver - he's a politician.

Better go. Can't be late for Mrs Greerson.

Jimmy, wait a minute.

Ah! Ah...!

I ran into Mandy last night, turns out she gave me the wrong number.

Surely not(!)

Don't worry, I've got the right one now.

Hello...

Well, if you're offering - large pepperoni.

Thin crust, please.

Is Mandy there?

..Oh.

OK.

She must be on a delivery.

Ah, Mr Venables, might we have a quick chat about your quote?

Ah, now... It seems very reasonable.

Does it?

Yes, it does.

Obviously if we run into any problems we may have to revise it upwards.

Naturally. Naturally? Are you short-sighted or can't you add up properly?

Kev, could you go and find me the two short planks, please? OK.

DOORBELL

Excuse me.

Kev, what are you playing at?!

Sorry, boss, but this lady's well dodgy. I mean, look at this place.

It's a house. Exactly, but that's not all, she has a car.

So? I'm sorry, I'm just

naturally suspicious of anyone

who owns their own house, their own car and has a jacket with buttons.

The usual please, Bobby, and one for yourself. Hold your horses,

Cash only.

Oh, will this sort of cash do?

And this and this and this?

Wow, that's nearly enough to pay off your tab.

Lovely, now the pub owes you 35p. Have some peanuts. Nice of this woman to pay you up front.

Mmm. It would have been.

Pardon? She hasn't paid up front.

Look, what it is I'm bridging a cash-flow gap by an alternative fiscal route.

And he's taken out a cash advance on his credit card.

So let me get this straight, you're paying off an interest-free bar tab

with the most expensive form of credit known to man?

I thought you'd be pleased.

Idiot. What? Bonehead.

Redhead. Cretin.

Bean counter. Prat.

Business studies student.

Ah, young love!

I've been learning some tricks from the master orators,

you know, Cicero, Martin Luther King,

Roy Hattersley.

Listen to this. "My fellow students, I have a dream.

"I'm on this bus and I'm naked and Jeremy Clarkson's my mother."

Yes, and that's relevant to your campaign how?

You know, everyone's had this dream, I'm relating to the people,

I'm trying to convince them I'm a normal bloke. Good luck.

Hello Molly. Hello, Ellie.

Hello, Mrs Niel. Hi, Gran.

Hi, loser.

When I'm elected, each and every one of us will be winners.

Yeah, well dream on.

Don't mention dreams.

Because a new unbeatable candidate has thrown a hat into the ring.

Oh, Molly, you'd be ideal.

I present your new rival candidate - Ellie.

Ellie? Actually, Molly, I'm not a 100%...

She has the perfect qualities of a modern politician.

She's sincere, straightforward and people like her.

I don't know Molly, I'm not sure I want to. Go on.

OK. And she's easily led.

Come on, boss, you must have noticed something dodgy about her.

Yes, she likes Wagner and Diana.

All right, riddle me this, Batman - where's Mrs Greerson's husband?

I don't know, they've separated.

But in what way? Eh?

Might they be separated by the veil between life and death?

Maybe... Kev, maybe we should just shut up and finish the job.

Look she's rich, she sees us as reliable and trustworthy professionals,

so let's milk this job for as much as we can get before she finds out the truth.

Oh... Hello.

Are you checking up on me?

No, but since you mention it this

plaster looks a bit lumpy, are you sure you've got the right ratio?

Yes, and there's a little bit left over, just the right size for someone's gob.

The kettle's on. Oh, hello boys.

Honestly, Diana, I can't tell you how marvellous

Jimmy and Kevin have been.

Yes, a lot of people find they can't.

Cup of tea boys? I wouldn't say no. I'll get it, Pam.

So, is there anything else you need?

Erm... Yeah, we need some answers.

Kev... Where's your husband then?

Kev. He's working abroad, for an oil company.

Oh, yeah, which one?

BP. BP, never heard of it.

British Petroleum? Oh, yeah?!

I must apologise for my colleague, erm, head injury.

Oh, dear, how did it happen? Haven't decided yet.

Tea's up, lads.

Well, ta very much, Mrs Neil guv.

Cor, I'll go to the foot of our apples and pears in a pearly suit and no mistake.

Would you like to see the rest of the house?

I'd be delighted, Pam.

Yes, why don't you go and have a butcher's hook around the old

cat and mouse, Mrs Neil guv.

Keep this up, Jimmy, and you're heading for a kick in the Royal Festival Halls.

See, she's killed him. What?

Her husband, working abroad indeed(!)

You said they were separated. He could be separated and working abroad.

Then why didn't she say so?

Maybe it's private. Oh, yeah, too private to discuss with her builder? Yes.

Hey, boss, listen to this...

What?

It's hollow.

So. So it's probably where

she's buried him, it's a classic.

Relax, Columbo.

Look it's just where the concrete screed stops and the wooden floor starts.

Hey, it carries on over here.

That's just the right length for a grave.

Rubbish.

Let me see that.

What in heaven's name did you think you were doing?

Don't blame me, blame Kev.

That'd be too easy.

He got this insane theory that Mrs Greerson

has done away with her husband and buried him under the kitchen.

That's insane. I just said that.

Hi, guys, how's the campaigning going?

Great. Terrible.

Oh, good, oh, dear.

She's not playing fair, this woman's mounted a smear campaign against me.

Molly? All I did was tell everyone you wet the bed and sleep with a Barbie doll.

I do not wet the bed.

Not my fault if they believe me.

Wait till I tell everyone you can peel a banana with your feet.

Molly. Don't worry, Alex, I'd certainly vote for somebody with prehensile toes.

It's not fair, everyone I talk to is voting for Ellie.

Oh, its simple really, she's got everything you haven't, charm, commonsense,

people who want to vote for her and most importantly, she's got me -

the power behind the power.

Loser!

It's all gone wrong, Dad, I'm gonna pull out of the

election before I get humiliated.

Now who said you're gonna get humiliated?

You did, the day before yesterday, then again yesterday and then three times today.

Oh, yeah, you're right. Well, nothing I've ever

said has bothered you before.

Maybe I'm starting to listen to you.

Oh, don't ever do that, Alex.

Maybe all those years of negative remarks and disparaging comments,

chipping away at my self-esteem and confidence have started to bear fruit.

Small shrivelled bitter fruit,

much like a crab apple, bright and cheerful on the outside but within mouth-puckeringly sour.

But, hey, no hard feelings, Dad.

All right, how much?

MUSIC ON RADIO: "Mandy" by Barry Manilow

Ah, I love this song.

It always reminds me of Mandy.

Why's that then?

It's a long story.

Hey, boss...

RADIO TURNED OFF

..I've been thinking... Oh, no.

This is how it happened, she hires a hit man, does her hubby in, buries him under the floor.

And you turned the radio off for that.

Murder's a serious business.

Kev, there was no murder, there is no hit man and there's no body under the floor.

Then how do you explain these, addressed to Mr Greerson.

They're for Mr Greerson.

Yes, but he doesn't live here.

Why are they writing to him here?

Unless he did live here and he's been...

Kev, he has not been...

PHONE RINGS

I'm gonna answer that, it might be a clue.

Tell me was your mother frightened by a private detective when you were in the womb?

ANSWERPHONE: You

have reached Pam Greerson, please leave a message after the tone.

'You know who this is, Mrs G.

'I've done what you asked and I want me money.

'Pay up or you know what will happen.'

Have you gone completely off your rocker?

You didn't hear the message, he practically confessed to the whole thing.

What did he say? "I'm the hit man who murdered Mr Greerson,

call me back"?

OK, OK, Diana, how long have you known Pam Greerson? A month, two months?

When one's a good judge of character two months is enough.

You liked me for the first two months.

That was when I still had the energy to be polite.

Look, if you're in such a tizzy about it why don't you convey your suspicions to the police.

Well, maybe I will. Fine.

No, wait, ignore me. I'm just an interfering old busybody.

Well, yes, you are but in this case you do have a point. No, I don't.

You haven't thought this through.

If you accuse her of murder bang goes my ticket to the Bayreuth Festival.

Are you seriously putting your Nazi music show before the demands of justice and civic duty?

Yes. I've waited years for an opportunity like this

and you're about to ruin everything with your ludicrous moral qualms.

Oh, oh, right so being a bit anti-murder is ludicrous is it?

Jimmy, we don't know she's guilty and if she isn't

do you really think she wants her kitchen fitted by the man

who grassed her up to the rozzers?

Why should I care about that?

You won't get paid.

Well, maybe we are jumping the gun a bit.

Then we're agreed?

All right.

You scratch my back and I'll scratch yours.

What a revolting image that is.

I must say you've done a lovely job, Jimmy.

Well, it wasn't just me, don't forget my able assistant Kevin.

Actually I'd rather you did, boss, I wanna come out of this alive.

Sorry about that.

If I employ him I get a government grant. Oh.

Well, would you like a little drink to celebrate, a glass of beer?

Actually, I don't drink. No, neither do I. Not even a soft drink?

No way, you never know who's tampered with the can.

Er, all right, well I'll go and get my cheque book and we'll settle up.

What are you doing? We are in

a very precarious situation.

We've finished her kitchen, she has no further use for us.

Of course(!) So she's going to kill us.

Here we are.

Now I'm going to add a little bit extra as a thank you, if that's all right with you.

Er, yes, yes, I've no objections.

Now, boss. No, not now, Kev,

not ever.

Keve, would you like to wait in the van?

No, no, never split up, makes it easier for them to pick you off,

like in Alien.

There you are, Jimmy.

And, er...

I do think it's very noble of you.

You have no idea how I've suffered.

Of course I will be recommending you to all my friends.

Well, if they're all as generous as you... Jeanette Harrison, open up.

Oh, bugger, it's the filth!

Now, just calm...

Jeanette Harrison, also known as Pamela Greerson,

also known as Svetlana Dragonavich.

I'm arresting you in relation to seven offences under Section Two

of the Fraud Act.

Get your dirty hands off of me. Fraud?!

Yes, sir. Not murder? No, sir. Sorry sir.

If I were you, sir, I'd have that framed.

Fraud, eh? Well, she had me fooled.

Yes. That's how good she was.

Thank you, officer, how interesting. Goodbye.

I've just been talking to the police,

it seems your hit man on the answer phone was just another gullible builder who hadn't been paid.

Oh, good. So it wasn't just ME she ripped off?! Well, that's cheered me up no end(!)

You really should be more careful about who you work for.

Mmm. In future I'll try and avoid all your criminal friends.

She's not a friend.

I never really liked her, she spoke abominable French

so I deem it a favour if you didn't utter that woman's name again.

Which one, Pam, Jeanette or Svetlana?!

Stupid school. Stupid school election.

Stupid glimmering spark of ambition. Oh, hooray another happy face(!)

I take it you didn't win then? Oh, I won, by a landslide.

You're Head Prefect, super, taking after my side of the family.

Then I was disqualified for bribing the voters.

And back to Jimmy's side.

And why is this my fault?

It was your money. Who won?

Ellie.

Then why aren't you smiling?

Well, when they announced the

results I rushed to congratulate her

and she gave me detention for running in the corridor.

She's gone power mad.

You said I was power mad.

You were, now you're just mad.

Well, well, well, just goes to show doesn't it, you think you know someone...?

Don't blame me for this.

Con artists rely on people's greed.

They work out what you most desire and dangle it in front of you till they get what they want.

If that's the case then why did Mrs Greerson

even pretend to have tickets to this festival, what was in it for her?

A complete puzzle. Maybe she enjoyed my company.

Nah, it wouldn't be that.

How much did she take you for?

Nothing. Come on.

It was merely a deposit for the hotel in Bayreuth.

How much? £2,000.

£2,000?! Well, who's the victim of their own greed now, eh?

Well, its all right for you, I've lost £2,000,

a ticket to Bayreuth but most of all I've lost a dear, dear friend...

whatever her name was.

Hey, it's a terrible world, boss, full of lies and deceit.

You can't trust anyone these days, apart from Mandy.

Now, what can I get for my favourite customers?

Oh, a pint of lager and a Coke please, Bobby, and, erm, can you put it on the tab?

Certainly. Anything else, crisps, nuts, pickled egg?

Oh, it's a different story now,

you're only giving us credit cos you think we've got some money.

Kev... But you have got some money,

haven't you?

That's just where you're wrong, smart arse. Kev?

We're even more skint now than we were before.

No credit, no crisps, no pickled egg.

What's happened?

Don't give me a hard time, Siobhan.

I've been ripped off, I feel like an idiot and I'm so very, very thirsty.

All right, I'll pay for the drinks. Thank you. Hey, we don't need your

charity.

Yes, we do.

What about our pride? I think you'll find we haven't got any.

Bacardi and Coke, please.

Oh, and a pickled egg, some crisps, some nuts and, actually, can I have a look at the menu?

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd.

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