Original subtitles

# After you've gone

# And left me crying

# After you've gone

# There's no denying

# Someday When you'll grow lonely

# Your heart will break like mine and you'll want me only

# After you've gone

# After you've gone away... #

Hey.

Hey, what's with all the fancy food?

It's not fancy food that's a pineapple.

BOTH: Ooh!

And that's a baguette, that's a salmon fillet and that's liquid hand soap.

Oh, Jeremy!

Kev, it's not posh to wash your hands.

Anne's coming back from Africa for a week, I want to make a good impression. Anne's coming back.

Fantastic, it'll be a disaster.

Disaster. Let's hear it then. Hi, Siobhan.

His ex wife's coming back for a visit, hence the pineapple.

And the baguette. Oh, yeah?

Yeah, the thing is I was gonna tell you, but, erm...

But what? You were keeping it back for a nice surprise? No.

You were keeping it back for a nasty surprise?

No, it's neither nice nor nasty, it's a vanilla surprise.

So presumably Anne will be back in her own bedroom. Where are you gonna sleep?

I'll probably kip down on the sofa. Probably?

Yeah, I meant probably the sofa or maybe the floor.

You're not making this very easy, no wonder I never tell you stuff. Eh, excuse me?

Still, you'll be sleeping under the same roof as your ex wife.

It's a recipe for disaster.

You could always stay at my place if you don't mind the smell of chip fat.

Kev, I wouldn't stay at your place if you were the last man on earth.

If I was the last man on earth, you wouldn't need to.

All them empty houses, hey?

Just think, we could live in Buckingham Palace, run up and down the stairs in our underpants.

We could have dinner at The Ritz every night.

Hang on, all the food would be radioactive, course it depends

on what kind of disaster you've got in mind you know, nuclear, biological

or does everyone just disappear?

Hello! hello!

Breakfast is nearly ready, kids! Your mum's gonna be here in a minute.

Ooh, that looks a bit ambitious.

Yeah, it's a fruit platter with waffles.

Risky. Oh, no, no, not at all,

it's simple yet spectacular and will impress the hell out of your mum,

so go and sit down and act like you eat this every day.

Alex? Yes, Dad.

At what point between going to bed last night and coming down this morning did you break your leg?

I haven't broken my leg.

Then, why?

Oh, this, yeah, it's a fake.

Of course.

It's my secret plan to get out of the school's cross country run.

Oh, that's ridiculous, even for you, Alex. How gullible are your PE teachers?

If they weren't gullible, they'd be teaching maths.

Just take it off before your mother sees it. Molly!

She might be a while, she's still

upset about being dumped by Shane.

Morning, Molly, waffles?

Shane loved waffles.

SMOKE ALARM BEEPS

The waffles!

What did I tell you, risky.

Oh, Anne, you shouldn't have, this is lovely.

Howard's asked me to marry him.

What?

Steady, Mum. I haven't said yes yet, I need to talk to the kids first.

And me of course.

I am talking to you, in this cab, now.

Good, well, it's your decision of course, just a bit of a surprise that's all.

Jimmy will be even more surprised.

Yes, Jimmy.

How's it going with Jimmy?

Oh, well, you know, pretty well,

barring the odd catastrophe which

I have to head off on a daily basis.

Yes, Mum, of course you do - Mum to the rescue.

You think I'm exaggerating, don't you?

You always exaggerate, it's your thing.

"Milk's gone off, we're all gonna die of milk poisoning."

Oh, my God!

Now you're exaggerating.

Oh, my God!

Hi, Anne, Diana.

Everything's fine.

Jimmy...

Seems to have gone out by itself, sir,

hardly worth unreeling the hose for.

Well, don't blame me, it was that interfering pillock next door.

I told him not to phone you but,

oh, no! So if you've quite finished.

A simple thank you would have sufficed.

Thank you.

You just have to be firm with these people.

He's a fireman, I believe he was trying to save your life. I didn't ask him to come.

You're the only man I know that can set fire to a kitchen while making a fruit salad.

It was the waffles!

Anyway no harm done. Except to the front door.

That's no worries I can fix that with a bit of MDF.

Yes, MDF, the choice of the master carpenter.

Why not stick the hinges on with Blue Tack?

I hope you two haven't been bickering in front of the children.

No, no, we've been getting on like a house... On fire?

Is that what you were trying to say? You always have to have the last w... Word?

Oh, look, the kids haven't even touched

their breakfast of fruit, yogurt and freshly squeezed orange juice.

No waffles?

No, Diana, I deliberately set fire to them.

Shane liked setting fire to things. Mum!

Oh, what's wrong, my love?

It's just boy trouble, soon blow over, she's been fine.

And so has Alex. Hi, Mum.

Oh, Alex.

Oh, my God, Jimmy when did this happen?

Its all right, Mum, it's not real.

He's just faking it to get out of PE. Oh, he's faking it and you let him, even worse.

It's not just me, there's Diana as well, she let me let him.

I was nowhere near him, I was in a cab with you

as you can readily testify.

Isn't that just like her to blame someone else.

That's because it's always your fault, you never take

responsibility for anything.

I do. Who let the bath overflow and ruin the living room ceiling? Me.

It's not looking good, is it?

..OK, Howard, I'll be back as soon as I can.

..Oh, yeah, I love you too.

How's Howard?

Not been trampled by a hippo I hope.

He's been very supportive.

He's happy for me to stay as long as it takes to sort this mess out.

What mess? Jimmy, I leave you in

charge of my kids and come back to find Alex with a broken leg...

A fake one! Yeah, and Molly having some sort of breakdown after splitting up with a delinquent.

He's just a bit wild. I hadn't even got to the house full of firemen.

Yeah, I didn't call them, that was Twitchy McCurtains next door.

Don't think I'm not grateful to you for stepping in.

Oh, don't mention it, they are my kids too.

The thing is Jimmy it's a little awkward but, erm...

now that I'm back... Ah, ah, ah, yeah, no, don't worry about that.

What I thought was you can have the bedroom obviously and I'll just kip down on the sofa.

Er, I don't think so, Jimmy.

Well, if you're happy on the sofa.

No, no.

What I was going to say was now that I'm here

there's no reason for you to stay.

What?

That was the agreement, you would look after the kids till I got back.

Well, excuse me, when you went away I put my life on hold to

come and look after those kids.

Well, now you've got your life back.

I don't want my life back it was rubbish.

Sorry, Jimmy.

What you're asking me to move out, is that it?

We're divorced, Jimmy, I've already asked you to move out, remember?

Oh, yeah.

Well, I suppose I'll, erm...

I'll go. Oh, no, no hurry,

you can finish your tea first.

Hi, Bobby, I've had a bit of a disaster.

Anne's asked me to move out.

Fantastic.

Well, there's no need to look quite so pleased.

But my pessimism has been vindicated.

Probably for the last time in my life.

Siobhan, you're a sight for sore eyes.

All right, what do you want? I'm moving in with you.

Oh? Well, that's all right, isn't it?

Oh, well, if you think we're ready for that level of commitment then that's...

Oh, no, no! I didn't mean move in like that! God no, no, I'm not crazy.

I meant for a week or two till Anne's gone back.

Oh, I see, it's just a convenience for you.

Absolutely, yeah, and it would be really convenient.

Oh, right, so you look on me as some sort of...Travelodge.

With great room service.

Where the management has the right to refuse admission.

Yeah?

Do you see where I'm going with this?

Oh, come on I wouldn't be asking

unless I'd hit rock bottom.

But I do need an answer, so come on - yes or no?

Kev!

Kev!

Who's there, boss?

It's me, you...

It's me, I need somewhere to stay.

Oh, right.

Hey, you could stay here.

Yeah, Kev, that was sort of the idea.

All right, I'll be down in a minute, just got to get Satan back in his cage.

I've had a bit of trouble coaxing him in.

What is Satan?

He's my cockatiel.

Don't worry he's quite harmless, just got a bit of stomach trouble, hence the shower cap.

Right. But enough about my problems, got kicked out, did you?

Not exactly, no, I just thought I'd give Anne some space. And Siobhan?

It turns out I'm giving her some space too.

Well, lucky for you I don't need space, not when I've got my Slumber Cloud inflatable mattress.

SNORING

AIR HISSING

FLAPPING

Mum. Morning, Anne. What a wonderful day - you're back,

the sun's shining and, what's the other thing, oh, yes, no Jimmy.

Mum, what are you doing?

I like the children to start the day with some good solid ballast.

And end the day with a good solid heart attack. Oh, don't fuss.

Why shouldn't I fuss? I've every right to fuss they're my kids. Of course they are, dear.

Morning.

You're not still wearing that thing, I thought the cross country was yesterday.

It was, it worked like a dream.

While everyone else was struggling through five miles of mud and bushes

I was in the Copper Kettle with a cup of tea, a Danish pastry and half the girl's volleyball team.

Well, now you can take it off.

I can't turn up to school without it.

Do you know how long it takes a broken leg to heal?

I've got to see this through or I'll look like a liar and a fraud.

Is he always like this now?

No, sometimes he's asleep.

You don't seem in the least bit bothered about this.

Well, you've got to admire his creativity.

You're beginning to sound like Jimmy.

Oh, I hardly think so, "creativity" has five syllables.

Yes, Alex is attention seeking but you can't blame him.

Are you saying it's my fault cos I'm not here? I'm saying it's a shame.

Oh, Shane. I thought you were over this boy.

Eileen just rang, Shane's going out with Aisha Greeves.

You'll be OK, I went through much the same thing when I was a girl,

you soon bounce back.

It was all right for you, if you got dumped there were plenty of other GI's in the platoon.

Molly, go to your room!

But I'm supposed to be going to school.

Go to school and when you come back, go to your room, you're grounded for three days.

Ah, but... Go, and take an apple.

I think you're being a little hard on her.

And not before time.

It seems to me things have been slipping around here.

Look, Mum, I'm not criticising but this is my house, they're my kids

and as long as I'm here I'm gonna do things my way.

Good for you. Now, what do you fancy for dinner tonight?

Mum, I'll deal with dinner.

It's no problem, I'll be here anyway doing a big tidy.

Look, I've been away, just let me and the children be... together.

You will be together, with me.

You really don't need to be around so much.

I see.

You were happy for me to be around while you were swanning about inoculating strangers.

I thought you wouldn't mind looking after your grandchildren.

I don't, it's looking after your ex-husband I object to.

I think Jimmy's been very sweet.

That's all very well for you to say from 4,000 miles away,

it's like looking after two children and a toddler.

Do you think I like being away from the kids?

Don't you think I've been worried every day?

Not worried enough to come home.

I've crossed the line, haven't I?

Yes. I'll be on my way then. Oh, Mum, there is one thing. Yes?

I need those spare keys back.

Fine.

In that case, I'm taking my sausages.

Ooh, what happened to you?

I got pecked.

Siobhan, you know I said I'd hit rock bottom... Yes.

Well, it turns out that rock bottom has a false bottom

and underneath that one it's even rockier and more bottomy.

There is a psychotic cockatiel,

a deflating mattress, a cloud of

greasy chip fat and Kev, whose sole topic of conversation is decorating.

That's a lie, I talk about UFOs as well

and the lost city of Atlantis and how we faked the moon landings.

Siobhan! Yeah all right you can stay with me.

Oh, yes. You can come round tonight. Oh, boss.

Oh, Kev don't worry, it's not you.

It's your personality.

Oh, phew.

MOBILE RINGS

Hello...

Hi, Anne.

Yeah, yeah no problem, I'll come round later. Yeah, about four.

All right. Bye.

Er, that was Anne, she asked me to come round later and pick up some of my stuff,

at four. And that's all she said.

It's all right, Jimmy, I believe you. Mind you,

reading between the lines, she could be looking to rekindle the embers.

Doesn't sound as if she's in any rush to get back to Howard.

Maybe they're going through a bad patch.

Could be this phone call's just a ploy. Ah.

Mark my words, once you're in that house she'll find a way of getting

you into the bedroom,

close the door and then hold on to your hat.

Kev, I'm with Siobhan.

Oh, right.

We'll talk about it in the van.

Hi, Moll. Sssh!

POSH VOICE: Hello, is that Aisha Greeves?

This is Shane's mother, he can't see you any more because he thinks you are a dirty skank.

How dare you!

No, this is not Molly Venables, I've never heard of her... and she's not a psycho!

Glad to see you're working through your grief.

You've gone from denial to acceptance to anonymous phone calls.

Is Mum around? Yep, upstairs getting changed.

Aren't you going out? At least we'll some peace.

Yeah, it was easier to slip things past Dad and Gran and we always had one eye on each other.

All Mum's got to focus on is being our mother. Nightmare.

Hi. Hi, Dad. We were just saying it's not the same without you.

No, well I suppose I ran a pretty tight ship.

No, Gran did. You couldn't run the raffle on a cross-Channel ferry.

Isn't it about time you took that thing off?

Ah, yeah, you don't understand, Dad, this is not about PE any more,

it's gone way, way beyond that. Look.

Phone numbers, lots of them.

Girls' phone numbers.

And where did you get them, a public call box? No, you old rogue,

it's the injury, girls love it.

It brings out the carer in them

and once they start caring, it's a season ticket to the heavy petting zoo.

Is that you, Jimmy? Yeah.

I'm up in the bedroom.

Yeah.

Well, are you gonna come up, then?

Hi.

Oh, come in, shut the door, I don't want the kids to hear. Hear what? Us. Us?

You and me. What's the matter?

Erm, well, this is all a bit...

Actually, I'm in a bit of a hurry.

Me too but I think we've got time. Time for what?

Anne, don't do that.

Jimmy, don't be so coy, you've seen it all before. Yeah but never sober.

I'm sorry, Anne I can't. Can't?

I'd love to, you're lovely but I don't think it's a good idea.

What's not a good idea? Us sleeping together. I'm in love with Siobhan.

I don't want to sleep with you.

What on earth gave you that idea?

Well, you...

and you called me into the bedroom.

Yes, because I wanted to give you this bin liner full of your shoes.

Oh. Why on earth would I want to sleep with you?

Howard's asked me to marry him, that's what I wanted to tell you. Oh.

Oh, and that's what you didn't want the kids to hear. Yes.

Not the noise of us having sex together. No.

Oh, my God, don't be repulsive! Urgh!

OK, OK, I get the picture.

We're in agreement then. What a relief. Goodbye. Jimmy.

What? Keys.

Oh, it's nice to get back into a bed that doesn't deflate.

Oh, you haven't got any angry pets, have you?

Jimmy, how long are you staying?

Why do you ask?

Because you've brought round a bin bag full of shoes.

Mm. Anne gave them to me.

Anne? Mmm. Oh, you'll like this.

I said to her there was absolutely no way I was gonna sleep with her.

Why would you say that? Cos it looked like she wanted to.

How? When she called me into the bedroom.

The bedroom? Yeah.

Let me start again. OK.

When I was in the bedroom... Oh, so you went.

Yeah, but with hindsight it was all perfectly innocent. What was?

When she took off her blouse. She took off her blouse?

How can I be honest if you keep interrupting?

Oh, yeah, yeah sorry. Ooh, where

were we? Oh, yes, yes, you were in the bedroom with your ex-wife

and she starts taking off her clothes.

It's nothing I hadn't seen before, I was married to her for 12 years.

Huh, I slept with her often enough.

Kev...

Kev...

Good news, Satan, your mate's back.

Behave yourself, Satan!

GENTLE SNORING

SQUAWK

Hello.

Hello. I happened to be passing and I needed some change...

There you go. I also felt thirsty. Gin and tonic, please, barman.

I have got a name, you know.

And when I want to be your friend, I'll learn it. (Love it! Hard-to-get.)

I suppose you've come here to gloat. Certainly not. Then why are you here?

I've always been fond of this pub, it's the heart of the community.

I'm thinking of becoming a regular.

She's thrown you out, hasn't she?

She did not throw me out, cos I never actually lived there.

We just agreed that I would give her and the children some space.

LAUGHS

Yeah, I remember agreeing to that.

How much space does that woman need?

Yes. If it was space she was after she should have stayed in Africa.

Have you heard from the children?

No. You?

No.

You don't think Anne's back for good, do you?

I don't know.

God, I miss those kids. Me too.

Even Alex. Yeah, yeah, I'm as surprised as you are.

I just miss all the little things we used to do, like taking them to the zoo.

We never took the children to the zoo.

No, but we could have done and now we can't. We never took them to the aquarium.

Or the funfair. Or Henley Regatta.

Or the funfair.

What's wrong with Henley Regatta?

Blazers, Pimm's, toffs.

Toffs in blazers drinking Pimm's, rowing.

Jimmy, there's a whole world outside your scruffy-jeans,

T-shirt-and-trainers, pie-and-mash, knuckle-dragging let's-all-have-a-

knees-up dog-and-bone milieu.

Admit it, Diana, it's me you miss.

All right, Alex?

Well, I have my good days, my bad days.

Alex, there's nothing wrong with you.

What happened to your phone numbers?

Oh, I washed them off.

Don't need them any more. This little baby got me a date,

with Miranda Hopkins. What?

You heard, the blonde Venus of year 11.

You? Incredible.

I know! It's the leg, it drives them wild.

You should get one. I don't know,

Alex, this could end very nastily.

That's what I'm hoping.

This is what we should have been doing all along.

A nice day out, the two of us working together,

keeping a firm but caring eye over someone who needs us.

Wahey!

I won't tell you again! This ride's for the under-10s

Get out! Get out!

MOBILE RINGS

Hi, Miranda. Yeah, yeah. Sorry, I'm running a bit late. Well, not running, obviously.

I thought you liked me for my wit.

No, no, no don't go home, don't go home, I'll be there in two minutes.

Alex, what are you doing?

You're quite sure what you're going to say?

Yes, nothing. Correct.

I'll do all the talking, you just nod and smile.

Perfect.

Hello, Molly.

You all right, Dad?

You've cheered up.

Yep. Shane just called, he's split up with Aisha Greeves and he's asked me out.

Oh, I'm just so happy!

Oh, hello, this is a pleasant surprise.

Before you say anything else, Jimmy and I have something to tell you.

Before you do that, can I just tell you something?

No!

In the time that you've been away Jimmy and I have come to regard

Molly and Alex almost as our own children.

They are my own children. Shh!

While we respect your sense of duty

as a mother, we still want to be part of the children's lives. Mum,

I'm not going back to Africa and I've said no to Howard. What?

You're staying? Is that wise?

No, it's not wise, it's not even what I wanted.

In a perfect world, I wouldn't have to make the choice but how can I leave the kids like this?

Molly's going out with a teenage arsonist and

look at the state of Alex.

Oh, for goodness' sake, I've had enough of this.

Its real, it's real! Mum, Mum its real.

Oh, well it looks like a fake. That's the NHS for you.

Are you all right?

I fell down a hole.

You see, how can I possibly leave them like this?

Now listen to me. Anne... No, Anne, listen to me.

The point is...

this is life, things happen.

Mostly crap things, granted, but we manage.

And it doesn't matter if you're in charge or me or Diana,

Alex would still have fallen down the hole, because he's Alex.

That's right, and you wouldn't want me any other way.

Well, I wouldn't go that far.

And look at it this way, Alex only had a fake broken leg when I was looking after him.

I suppose.

And Molly's gonna go out with unsuitable boys no matter what we say.

Oh, thanks, Dad.

Really? You'll be OK?

Yes.

Go and phone Howard. You mean you'll...

I think you've got something to tell him. Go on.

Thanks, Jimmy.

Oh, I like that! She expects us

to drop everything at a moment's notice and step into the breach.

Diana, just nod and smile.

Actually, just nod.

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