Original subtitles

# After you've gone and left me crying

# After you've gone, there's no denying

# Some day, when you grow lonely

# Your heart will break like mine and you'll want me only

# After you've gone, after you've gone away. #

Dad, it's gone 12. Aren't you gonna get dressed?

I am dressed, for the weekend.

I have the TV guide, I have the remote and I have a full day of televised sport.

Cricket, football, curling, then Doctor Who as a little

palate cleanser, and then a full evening of snooker.

Well, whatever keeps you happy in the twilight of your years!

What's up?

What have you got in your mouth?

I think it's a Praline Whisper.

Those are my chocolates! Anything

in the fridge is common property.

Why didn't you eat the brown thing that used to be a lettuce?

Ssh, ssh. Just keep it down, you two.

Those are from Craig. I was saving the last one for sentimental value.

It was near its "best before" date, it was almost a health hazard.

Oh, so that's why you ate it? Not because you're a greedy pig?!

I was saving you from childhood obesity.

And now you're calling me obese?

You said I was greedy.

I don't want to talk about it. I don't.

Shut up, then. No, you shut up. No, you shut up. No, you shut up.

Will you just shut up somewhere else?!

Fat head. Don't you call me a fat head.

If anyone's got a fat head, it's you!

Yoo-hoo! >

Morning, Jimmy! Where are Molly and Alex? I don't know.

You don't know where your own children are?

Yeah, my own children who aren't electronically tagged.

They'll be hanging out in their rooms or robbing a Post Office.

Hanging out is for bats and washing.

I've just been thinking, Saturday is family time.

Sounds awful.

Nevertheless, I think we should spend our weekend together, interacting.

I am interacting, with that telly, all day.

Alex, Molly, will you come down here? Now?

Can't you just let them relax?

Couch potato parents form couch potato children.

And they all live together in a couch potato house.

Patrick and I always said you can't underestimate the bonding value of a hobby.

Yeah, reading is a hobby.

Our family had so many, collecting shells from the shore,

making model soldiers, picking mushrooms in the woods.

So that's how you found the toadstool that did in poor Patrick!

Oh, no!

Look, Diana, don't worry, it was just a lucky guess.

No-one else knows.

They can't pin it on you now, it was years ago!

But I'm sure he's glad of the peace and quiet.

For God's sake, stop babbling, you idiot.

Today is the 11th anniversary of Patrick's death and I forgot it.

Well, now you've remembered it, problem solved.

Every anniversary without fail I go to visit his grave, but today I forgot.

Well, it just means you've moved on.

I don't move on, I'm a Conservative.

What's the time? 10 past 12. Right.

Molly, Alex, we're going on a family excursion.

Family.

Only Gran could bring us to a graveyard for a day out.

Just think of it as getting her used to the view.

Anyway, we'll all be home soon,

shut away in our own dark rooms,

being anti-social like a normal family.

We're so late, thanks to your shoddy navigational skills.

Well, Patrick won't mind.

It's Saturday, he'll be having a lie-in, lucky bugger.

I heard that. Remember where you are and don't be so disrespectful.

No!

He's not popped out for a paper, has he?

Someone else has visited Patrick!

How dare they? He was MY husband!

Maybe he was well-liked.

Don't be ridiculous, he was deeply unpopular. And these are roses,

two dozen red roses.

These aren't from someone who liked him, they're from a lover.

He's been having an affair!

I think we can rule out the neighbours.

"Always remembering, dearest."

Huh! No name, of course.

The cowardly, cowardly cow!

Goal!

Sorry.

Liar! How could he? How could they?!

Stop it, Gran. Look, Diana, calm down.

Why? Give me one good reason.

Well, this might not be his grave.

Jimmy, I'm furious, not senile.

Look, there it is, "Patrick Neal, loving husband."

Huh! Not worth the granite it's written on!

Look, look, there could be loads

of Patrick Neals with the same date of birth.

And death. Come on, let's go.

No! That's what he'd want. Oh, no, I'm not leaving here before I...

Diana!

Come on, we're leaving.

No, I'm going to stay here and keep watch.

I should have known, I should have known he was too good to be true,

the lowlife, the no-good, rotten, two-timing son of a b...

BIRD SQUAWKS

I've been barred from pubs and clubs but I've never been

barred from a cemetery. Where will I go when I die?

You can still come here, with all the other dead beats.

They're not dead beats, Bobby.

They're students. Same thing.

All I know is, they sit all night over one alcopop,

scare off the regulars and empty the condom machines.

These students are our future.

Pss!

No, they are. Where else are we gonna find the research scientists and brain surgeons of tomorrow?

Well, not doing Basic Business Studies at the tech.

Believe me, no good ever came out of knowledge.

You said that quiz machine paid for your new kitchen.

Oh, yes, but only because nobody knows the answers.

Siobhan.

Hey, Jimmy. Who are your friends?

Oh, erm, that's Mick and the two Mikes. They're my study buddies,

we're preparing for a seminar.

Learned all the lingo, then!

Oh, yes, there was a tutorial in Freshers' Week.

Right. So, you still up for tonight?

Oh, no, sorry, I can't, I've got this essay crisis.

Essay crisis.

What's that, student speak for binge drinking in the halls of residence?

I thought you were all for me going back to college.

Yeah, I thought you'd have more free time. Isn't that

the point, sitting around all day?

Well, that and dressing up as a naughty nurse during Rag Week.

You wish! When I finish here I'm gonna have to pull an all-nighter.

You've already pulled an all-nighter.

Ha ha(!) Again, you wish.

I could help you with your work. You?

I run a business!

Yeah, I know, I've seen your tax return! Which is more than the Inland Revenue have!

I couldn't handle my girlfriend being pawed by all these students.

They're not pawing her, Kev.

Well, they're thinking about it, they're intellectuals.

So many women, so many suspects.

Ah! Here's a likely contender. See the way she's looking at him?

Gran, that's the Queen when he got his OBE.

Oh, yes. But she's still a woman,

she has needs.

This is no good. I'm going to make some calls.

Well, you're no help. Only when it comes to eating other

people's sentimental chocolates.

ALEX CHANGES THE CHANNEL

MOLLY CHANGES THE CHANNEL

ALEX CHANGES THE CHANNEL

MOLLY CHANGES THE CHANNEL

ALEX CHANGES THE CHANNEL

Alex!

Dad! Hiya.

Is your gran around? Oh, through there.

Alex has put the remote control down his trousers.

Well, at least we'll know where it is.

I wonder what else is on.

CHANNEL CHANGES

Stephanie? Hello, it's Diana. Fine, how are you?

What about the osteoporosis? Yes. And the grandchildren?

Mmm.

Tell me, did you sleep with my husband?

Diana, no!

I'm so sorry about that, she's gone mad.

Jimmy, she was on the verge of telling me something. Yeah, I'm sure she was!

I've got 32 more names to try. How about we take 16 each?

No, look, I've got a better idea. How about we have a little sit down and a chat? You can't comfort me.

No, look. Listen. OK.

So maybe he had one tiny affair.

And look on the bright side. He's dead!

It's not gonna happen again!

I was right, you can't comfort me.

KERFUFFLE IN LIVING ROOM

I can try.

Everyone has relationship problems, even me and Siobhan.

You're bound to - a) she's a strumpet and b) she's too good for you.

Hey, I'm good enough for a strumpet.

And she isn't one.

She's a student now.

The trouble is, I don't think I fit in with that kind of...

Oh, please! Whatever problems you're having, you can talk things through with her.

That's what I'd do if Patrick was alive, but he isn't, the selfish, selfish man!

Dad, I think you need to talk to Molly.

You're right.

Siobhan just doesn't seem to have time for me any more.

Since she started her course she's always studying. Mmm.

What do you mean, "Mmm"?

Well, Dad, I'm always studying but I still have plenty of time

for a love life.

Theoretically.

Good point. Yeah, thanks.

Yeah, I'm not just gonna accept this. I'll talk to her again.

Erm, Dad, I really need to talk about Alex.

Yeah, of course. Gran's in the kitchen.

Ooh, Siobhan, have you got a minute?

Erm, oh, no, not really, erm...

Come on, students don't work on a Saturday night.

You should be off chugging beers

at a toga party with your frat boy friends.

You've been watching Animal House again, haven't you? I don't need to.

I've seen it 16 times.

Look, I know students.

No, you don't, you know bad college movies. Actually it's a classic...

Shut up. I've told you, I've got this essay crisis.

And you're sure he's just your study buddy?

Mike? Yeah, of course. Don't you trust me?

Well, yeah, normally, but, you know, the music, the moonlight, the calculator,

the quarterly projections, anyone can get carried away.

This is tough enough already.

Yes, all right, go on, then. Don't work too late.

Oh, and if you get caught sneaking a horse into the Dean's office, don't come crying to me.

What? Animal House, you really should see it!

Don't worry, I'll have your daughter home by midnight.

Did you hear that? That Mike fella said, "I'll have your daughter home by midnight."

He never. Your Molly? No, Kev, he thinks I'm Siobhan's dad.

Ah, now that makes more sense.

Just about says it all, doesn't it?

She's in a different league now,

the league of students.

I'm no good to her any more.

She's got her books, her Micks, her Mikes, a shiny new future.

Apart from a discount on floor tiles, what have I got to offer?

Oh, oh, I know, I know.

Nothing.

I'm not apologising to you.

Don't think I'm apologising to you.

Alex! What do you think you're doing?

Get your feet off the sofa!

Dad!

Oh, hi, Molly.

You'd better get this place tidied up before your gran comes round.

She's already here. What?

She's in there, but tread carefully, Dad, she's gone completely tonto.

Oh, don't exaggerate. No, really. Her shoes don't match her handbag.

OK, this is serious.

Have you seen what's going on in there?

Yes. And aren't you gonna do anything about it? You do it.

You're the scary one!

Sorry, Jimmy, I'm busy.

I've been trying to decode Patrick's diaries. I've got up to August 1978.

Oh, Diana! What do you think this really means?

"Walked the long way to the newsagents,

bought the Telegraph and a packet of Victory Vs, said hello to Roy."

Well, from what I can remember of my training at Bletchley Park,

I think it means he walked the long way to the newsagents,

bought the Telegraph and a packet of Victory Vs, then said hello to Roy.

Surely not.

Well, what about this?

"Opened a new tin of brass polish."

I don't think that's code either, Diana. You always had very shiny candlesticks.

This can't all be for real. Is anyone actually that boring?

Yes, Patrick was. Really, really boring.

You're only saying that to make me feel better, but I don't.

I've got to get to the bottom of this.

No, Diana, what you've got to do

is let it go. It's beginning to affect your shoes.

Just leave me alone, will you?

No, I won't. This family needs you.

Huh! The family? What's the point?

It now seems my whole wonderful family life with Patrick was just an empty sham.

But you were happy at the time, weren't you? That's irrelevant.

I need to know the truth. Oh, what is it with you women and the truth?

Don't help. The only thing you're good at is making things worse.

Oh, is that right?

Well, yeah, it probably is.

Sorry.

If there's no name on it, I can't help you.

No, look, this woman bought two dozen red roses in here yesterday.

Do you have any idea how many bouquets like that we sold yesterday?

One?

Yes, it was one.

So, who was it? I am not at liberty to divulge the confidential personal details of my clientele.

Why not? Oh, don't tell me, it would contravene the florist's sacred oath of silence!

Exactly.

Would it?

So, is there anything I can do to make you break that oath? No.

What if I bought that?

All right, fine.

What about these?

Fine.

What then?

What's the story behind this, anyway?

Florist's nightmare. He pulled through.

You've been looking at that paper for hours. What is it, a Sudoku?

I did one of them once.

The answer's 9.

Or 8. Or 1.

Or 6. Or 5.

Kev, shut up.

It's the address of this woman.

Wahey! Not like that.

Wahoo.

Jimmy, what is it?

This is the address of a woman brave enough to sleep with Diana's husband.

Now, in normal circumstances it would be worth its weight in gold, but now

I don't know whether to burn it or rub her nose in it.

Just give it to her and let her deal with it.

Then I'd be an accessory to murder.

You wouldn't like Diana when she's angry, Bobby.

I dunno. What would she be wearing?

I'm gonna have to tell her, aren't I? Yeah, it's a no-brainer. Well, you should know.

Oh well, better get it over with.

Hi, Jimmy. Oh, Siobhan, are you free for dinner tonight or are you tidying your pencil case?

Thanks for demeaning me, but I have to start a new module.

Oh. And how many hairy young men do you need to help you?

Sorry, what are you talking about? Well, "starting work on a new module"

sounds like student talk for, "I'm working late at the office."

Jimmy, you're getting paranoid.

Hey, Shivvy! Ah, Shivvy!

So, ready to get to grips

with Advanced Purchasing Systems Stage One?

Ready as I'll ever be!

Are you sure that's all we're going to be getting to grips with?

Excuse me? Er, Jimmy, let me introduce you to Rick...

Oh, Rick. Rick, is it? Yeah.

Well, let me tell you something, Rick. Why don't you clear off

and mess with some other woman's modules? Get my drift, Rick?

Rick is my tutor.

Oh, right! Oh, tutor!

Tutor as in, erm...? As in

the person who marks all my work.

OK, right.

Tell you what, here's 50 quid, give her an A.

A-ha! Dinner for two at the Connaught. But that was our restaurant!

And on our anniversary!

Oh, OK, I'll give him that.

There must be something

in this little lot. ALEX: Molly!

If anyone asks, I haven't been near the scissors.

Ssh!

Have you been in my wardrobe?

No. Then how do you explain this?

Moths.

I'm gonna get you for this. It's only

fair, you trapped me under the sofa.

You poured water over me. You ate my chocolates.

You ruined my fifth birthday.

You cut the hair off my Barbie. You

stopped me from being an only child. I would have been spoilt without you.

Instead of just being a git?

Molly, Alex. Oh, at last. Are you gonna tell us off now, Gran?

So, you're sick of all this ballyhoo? If we don't buck our ideas up you'll bang our heads together?

No, I want you both to just go away and let me brood in peace.

OK. Well, I'm watching you.

You touch my clothes again, you'll be in trouble.

Ah, Diana, sit down. I've got something to tell you.

I don't want to sit down. I think I've found out who put the flowers on Patrick's grave.

First let me sit down.

I, er, got her address from the florist.

Do you want it? Give it to me.

No, don't. I don't want to know.

Yes, I do. No, I don't.

At least tell me the postcode.

No, don't. Is it a nice area?

I don't know. Oh, you're useless.

Oh, well, if I'm so useless, I'll just leave you to it. Oh, no, I'm sorry, Jimmy, please.

I can't go, I can't face her.

Well, then let's just forget all about it. But I need to know.

Could you do it for me. Me?

Well, you started this. No, I didn't, Patrick did!

It's not often people want to come and talk to me about Patrick.

Were you a friend?

Well, who wasn't, eh, Sheila?

True, true.

What a lovely man.

How long were you and he...?

Together?

23 years.

Bloody hell!

I know, it's quite an achievement,

but he was a one-off, a gentleman.

Very proper.

He gave me a proper seeing to, anyway!

Patrick?

It was very, very physical, dear.

Hey, he was something of a virtuoso in that department.

An extremely inventive lover. Do you get my drift?

Yes, there isn't a surface in this house where we didn't... You know.

Jammie Dodger. You're not kidding.

Oh, erm, no, thank you.

Yeah, he was special. That's why I put roses on his grave every single week.

Well, that's not bad. Diana can only manage it once a year.

Diana? Who's Diana?

I'm sorry, I thought you must have known.

Patrick had a wife.

Of course he did, it was me.

You were married to him too?

Too? What do you mean, too?

Alex! Yeees?

What has happened to all my furniture?

I don't know.

Moths?

No, no, my husband was Patrick Davis.

Not Patrick Neal? No, dear.

And you're sure?

I'm sorry, of course you are.

Well, thank God for that, two Patricks.

Yes, but it means mine didn't get his flowers, did he?

No. Why did you put them on the wrong grave?

I didn't.

What? It was my son-in-law.

You see, after I bought the roses yesterday morning, I felt ill, so I asked him to take them over for me.

Oh, he must have just slung them on the first grave he saw with Patrick

written on the headstone. Most

probably in a rush to get to the pub.

That's son-in-laws for you, useless.

Well... Useless. Well... All of them.

Perhaps he was just... Morons.

Diana?

I can't wait to see your face.

That's not your face.

Hello, Jimmy. Hi. Shouldn't you be watching Countdown with all the other students?

Ha ha(!) I've just come to congratulate you on what you said to Rick.

I've never been so embarrassed in my life, and as your girlfriend that's saying a lot. Oh, that.

Well, I was just trying to help.

Erm, by bribing my tutor?

Well, how else are you gonna get top marks?

Oh! This is making me feel so much better(!)

Look, I meant well.

OK, it was a panic bribe, but it was from the heart.

Siobhan, I just feel like I'm losing you.

It's like you're moving out of my league.

Jimmy, I've always been out of your league. But I've still stuck with you, haven't I?

I think that's making me feel better(!)

Oh, it's you, you, you, isn't it?

You will lose me if you carry on behaving like a self-centred idiot.

I assume we're talking about a man?

Hello, Diana. This isn't over.

Diana, I've got some news.

Wait a minute.

OK, I'm ready. Tell me the worst. I've got to know, however sordid.

Actually, I might just stay a little bit longer.

I went to Sheila's house.

Sheila?! I might have known it would be a Sheila.

Well, it turns out her husband was called Patrick, too.

Good God, how many Patricks does

the woman need, the greedy cow?

Just the one. You see, she had nothing to do with your husband.

But the roses.

Were meant for Sheila's husband.

She was too ill to take them so she asked her...

a relative to do it for her and he put them on the wrong grave.

The wrong grave!

The flowers weren't for my Patrick?

No. Isn't that great? Yes!

This relative was her son-in-law, wasn't he?

No! No, no! What makes you say that?

Yes, it was.

Anyway, thank you very much, Jimmy.

Happy to help.

See, I do have my uses.

Of course, I knew it all along. You can't fake what Patrick and I had.

Well, exactly. And who'd want to?

My God! Brown shoes with a black bag? What was I thinking?!

Molly, Alex, stop it at once!

I'm sick of all this ballyhoo.

If you don't buck up your ideas, the pair of you, I'm going to

bang your silly heads together.

Gran, at last you're back! You'd better believe it.

That was all we needed to hear. Good.

Now, if you'll excuse me I must go back and apologise to Patrick.

JIMMY: Make sure you get the right one.

What?

That was so lovely of you, Jimmy. What was?

What you said to Diana about that woman. No, that was just the truth.

Yeah, right! The two Patricks, the idiot son-in-law? Give me a break.

No, really, Siobhan, I'm telling...

It's fine, it's just a little white lie.

This shows a very caring side to you, Jimmy Venables. How about dinner tonight?

Well, what's a little white lie when you're as sensitive and helpful as I am, eh?

Erm, did you two have a problem earlier?

Oh, it's fine now, Dad.

No, go on, tell me. Yeah, we've sorted it.

No, I can help. I can help, I'm on a roll.

Er... OK then.

We were just wondering what size screws you'd need for a...

A nine-inch shelf.

Nine-inch depth shelf - erm, number six two-inch countersunk head, there

you go.

Great. Thanks, Dad.

Hey, no, no, I'm happy to help, OK?

When you're on a roll, you're on a roll.

Molly, what's your bed doing in the front garden?

Moths.

SIOBHAN: Jimmy you shouldn't have. JIMMY: It was no trouble.

You're so sweet and thoughtful.

And extravagant. Well, that's me, babe.

No, it was the least I could do to make it up to you.

Just one thing, Jimmy.

Erm, what does the G stand for?

Girlfriend.

# After you've gone and left me crying

# After you've gone, there's no denying

# Some day, when you grow lonely

# Your heart will break like mine for you'll want me only

# After you've gone, after you've gone away. #

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk