Original subtitles

# After you've gone and left me crying

# After you've gone, there's no denying

# Some day, when you grow lonely

# Your heart will break like mine and you'll want me only

# After you've gone, after you've gone away. #

So, tonight's the big night, eh, boss?

Just taking Siobhan for a meal, that's all. Siobhan AND her dad.

Yes. Well, as far as I'm concerned, it's just three grown-up people

going out for a meal and hopefully enjoying one another's company.

So you're not bricking it, then? What makes you think that? Cos you're painting over the window.

Oh. Don't worry about it. Garden's a mess, anyway.

Gran. Mm. Can I ask you something? Of course. You can ask me anything.

What would you do if you were trying to get a boy's attention?

First of all,

I would make sure we were at the same social event

and then I would go over to him,

and strike up an interesting conversation.

OK. And what would you do if you were trying to get a boy's attention in this century(?)

Easy. Insult him. What?

Oh, yeah. It's dead flirty, hiding the sexual tension under a show of disgust.

Yesterday, a girl told me I had a face like a half-eaten hamburger.

She so wants me.

Look, Mark Fraser is the fittest guy in the whole school. All the

girls want to go out with him.

I need something to make me stand out from the crowd. A posse of midgets!

I need to make him think I'm special.

Molly, you are special. And if this boy can't see that, then he's not worth all this fuss.

Did I mention, he's got a moped? Oh, why didn't you say so(?)

I'm with Molly on this one, Gran. Tell him you think his breath smells of cheese.

You're an idiot. Stop flirting with me! You're my sister!

OK, how do I look? Very smart.

I'm sure the judge will be lenient.

Please. Do you think I'll make a good impression?

Of course not. The best you can hope for is that Siobhan's father is as uncouth as you are.

I think you look great, Dad. Very smooth.

Thank you, Alex. At least someone around here appreciates how sophisticated I am.

Oh, look! It's Noel Coward(!)

I'll go and get the other tie. You better get his overalls.

He's got a whole meal to get through.

DOORBELL RINGS

They're here. They're here!

Seriously, how do I look? Seriously, you'll be the

best-dressed man in the soup kitchen.

She likes you, Dad.

Oh, Dad, it's really lovely.

How many times have I told you not to buy me presents?

You never tell me not to buy you

presents. What's the point in money if you can't spend it,

eh, Jimmy? Have to take your word for that.

So, I hear you're a self-made man.

Well, more of a self-employed builder, really.

Well, not so much a builder, more a painter and decorator.

Actually, I'm just a painter.

Well, more of an odd-jobman, really...when I can get a job. Dad,

why don't I show you through to the living room?

What was wrong with just saying "yes"?

I got confused. This isn't easy,

you know? It's just small talk, Jimmy. Just think small.

I always think small.

< SOMEONE CACKLES

What the hell was that?

I think it was Diana's...laughter. Well, that's good, isn't it?

No, every time Diana laughs, a small puppy dies.

You didn't mention you had such a charming mother-in-law, Jimmy.

That's cos I haven't.

No, I meant because she's... an ex-mother-in-law.

We're just about to go out to dinner. Why don't you join us, Diana? Do you mind?

Um... Well... I wouldn't want to intrude.

Well, if you don't want to intrude... Nonsense! It wouldn't be an intrusion. The more the merrier.

Well, sometimes less is more.

Diana, can I just have a word with you in the kitchen? Of course.

I'll be right back. You make sure you are.

JIMMY CLEARS HIS THROAT

Yes, I hear you.

What are you thinking?

Do you really want to know?

You can't come to dinner. Why not?

It's rude to turn down an invitation.

It's also rude to flash your knickers at passing strangers, that didn't stop you in there.

Oh, come on, Jimmy! When was the last time an attractive man crossed my path?

Judging by the way you jumped on him, sometime before decimalisation.

Diana, this is about me getting on with him, not you getting off with him.

Well, why can't it be about both? If I was there, I could say nice things about you.

What nice things? Um...

How about I just distract him when you blow your nose on your napkin?

No, it's true! Absolutely. And, um...this is where I work.

Ah, well, start at the bottom and work your way up, that's what I always say!

Anyway, what can I get you two...

A room? Ooh, I think I'd like a brandy, please. Ooh, yes! A brandy would be good!

Bobby, a white wine, coke for me...

bucket of cold water for them. Is it not going well?

Should I tell him about the time you rescued those orphans from a cable car? What?! It's just a backup plan!

Actually, it is going well, isn't it?

Bringing Diana along was a stroke of genius, cos your dad hardly said two words to me all through dinner.

But you're supposed to be getting to know each other. Yeah, but I'm no good at charming people.

Well, you charmed me. Just do the same things you did then.

I'm not gonna get your dad drunk on alcopops and take

him for a fumble in the van.

No, you're right. That's special to us(!)

They really have hit it off, haven't they?

Yeah, my dad's always liked a bit of a flirt. Well, it looks like he's found one!

Look at her go. Get your galoshes out. The icecaps have melted.

I'm sure it's just a harmless bit of fun.

Look at me. There is nothing distinctive about me. Nonsense!

If I were a packet of crisps, I'd be ready salted.

If I were a colour, I'd be beige with a hint of beige.

Perhaps some bright-coloured jewellery might help. Who are you trying to attract,

a boy or a magpie? Morning. Morning.

Dad, could I have some money for some women's essentials?

Oh, er... Yeah. Yeah, of course.

She means jewellery. I told you before, jewellery doesn't count.

Thanks, Gran. So much for the sisterhood!

She's trying to impress a boy.

She doesn't seem to realise that personality and charm

are what count when you're attracting the opposite sex.

Well, you should listen to your gran, Molly. She knows.

What's that supposed to mean?

Nothing.

You little tease, you! "Oh, David!

Let me straighten your tie."

I saved your bacon last night.

David has no idea what you're really like.

He's gonna get a shock when you actually open your mouth and unfiltered-Jimmy starts spewing out.

So it went well, Dad? Yeah, it did.

Siobhan's dad likes me, which means I don't have to start looking for a new girlfriend. Oh!

What's that sudden breeze?

It's the women of the world breathing a collective sigh of relief(!)

So, you can ask Siobhan if she'll give me a make-over, then.

Oh, you really are pulling out all the stops. I hope this boy's worth it. He's got a moped.

JIMMY GASPS

A moped!

And he's on the football team. Everything I've ever wanted for my daughter.

Well, obviously, I was looking for a handyman with a crappy old Transit, but...

they just get snapped up so quickly.

DOORBELL RINGS

I'll get it.

In my day, you had to do more than kick a bit of leather around some grass to impress a lady.

Mm. You had to bring nylon stockings and a tin of Spam as well.

These are for you, Gran.

Looks like there's life in the old dog yet, eh?

Right! Time for school. See you later, Dad. Yeah, all right. Take care, you two. Bye, Gran. Bye.

Who are they from, then? David, of course.

"Thank you for a lovely evening."

That's a bit much, isn't it?

It was just his tie you straightened?

He's a gentleman, Jimmy. Unlike some.

I must thank him when I see him tonight.

Tonight?! What's happening tonight?

David and I are going to a concert.

A concert? The Mozart Requiem,

at the Albert Hall.

Well, I didn't think it would be the Wu-Tang Clan at Wembley Arena.

Diana, he's my girlfriend's father!

You going out on a date with him is wrong. It's more than wrong - it's sick.

Relax, Jimmy. It's not a date.

It's a social engagement... that will inevitably lead to sex.

There you go. £3.20.

Pardon? Oh, not this again.

You can't get out of paying by pretending to be deaf.

It's actually quite offensive. 3.20.

Sorry? Kev, you have to pay for that!

Sorry, still deaf. Hi, love.

£3.20. Oh, not again!

Right, this is coming out your wages. Aw, boss! You heard that.

Pardon? Don't push your luck.

So, can you believe my dad's gone on a date with Diana?

I know. Why does Diana have to go out with your dad?

Why does Diana have to go out with anyone? Why can't she get a cat?

What if they got married? Diana would be my stepmother.

I'd be Cinderella.

You know he bought her flowers? I mean, come on, how over the top is that?

It's "over the top" to buy a woman you like flowers?!

We were agreeing. Now I'm asking you a question - why do you never buy me flowers?

What's happening? How did we get here?

You see, even my dad is more romantic than you are, Jimmy.

He's not romantic. He's a granny magnet!

This is exactly what I thought would happen. David and Diana get together and I get it in the neck.

Yeah, but they're not together yet. With any luck, it'll come to nothing.

Or Diana will eat him alive and spit out his bones.

Yeah, but my dad's big enough to look after himself. That's what King Kong thought.

Anyway, I just popped in to see if you can come round tomorrow.

Molly wants you to give her some

make-up tips. She's got her eye on some boy. No problem.

All right. Maybe she'll find someone who'll buy her some flowers!

Ah! Same again.

Pardon?

Sorry about the limo. It's a bit ostentatious.

To be honest, I asked for a black one. Actually, I rather like it.

Part of me thinks I should be mooning out of the sunroof.

More champagne? I wouldn't say no. I'll hold you to that.

I'm sure Jimmy will be thrilled we're getting on so well. Oh, I do hope not!

TV PLAYS

Alex. Yes, Dad?

Why is the room full of flowers?

They're all for Gran. David sent them.

Along with 13 punnets of strawberries, five bottles of champagne and a chocolate swan.

Right, this is definitely over the top.

It's like an accident black spot in here.

Come on, Dad. It's just a bit of romance.

# Love is in the air! # I think you'll find that's pollen.

Your gran has really messed things up for me. Are you kidding? This is great.

If our gran marries Siobhan's dad, we'll all be related in really weird, twisted ways.

Some of those ways might even be illegal. We'll be like hillbillies.

Or the Royal Family.

Now look, no-one is marrying anyone...

not as long as we've got all the flowers.

What the hell is all this?!

Oh, you like it? Good, cos they're yours.

Don't be ridiculous! No, it's true. David sent them.

But what could I possibly do with all these?

Well, you could supply Elton John's dressing room for a day and a half.

Anyway, I'll see you guys later.

I'm gonna go upstairs

and sketch out our misshapen family tree.

Dad...Gran...Uncle...Step-cousin.

DOORBELL RINGS, ALEX GROANS

Oh, come on, Diana. It's just a little bit of romance.

This isn't romance! This is chapter three in The Dummies' Guide To Stalking.

Well, I suppose it is a bit extreme. A bit?!

OK, maybe more than a bit. But I'm sure he'll have a good explanation for it the next time you see him.

Oh, I don't think so. This isn't normal behaviour.

Guess what, Gran? You've got another present. You open it, Jimmy.

It might be a severed ear.

No, it's all right. It's nothing to worry about.

It's a good old-fashioned compilation tape. How romantic!

Close To You, If You Leave Me Now, Killing Me Softly...

Girlfriend In A Coma. What?!

I'm kidding. There's no way I'm going out with David now.

If that's how you feel, it's probably for the best. I'm sure you'll let him down gently.

I'm afraid not, Jimmy. I've tried to let men down gently in the past,

but I always end up crushing them. I don't mean to, but they end up crushed all the same.

No, wait. David's not just an ordinary stalker, he's Siobhan's dad.

What's he gonna think of me if you crush him?

Look at it this way. He's bound to dislike you with a passion in the end. Why not get it over with now?

I don't want to "get it over with now"! I want things to work out for a change.

Fine. Have it your way. I won't crush David. Good.

You can do it for me.

So...what do you think?

Tonight, Matthew, I'm going to be Russell Brand.

You said, "eye-catching". This is eye-catching.

Yeah, in a, "Is that a bird's nest on your head?" kind of way.

OK. Not your style, no need to panic.

I've got something that is 100% guaranteed to get you noticed by the man of your dreams.

Please let it be a hairbrush. Dah-dah!

Stick-on acrylic nails. Every time I've worn these, I've met someone really special.

Aw! Were you wearing them when you met Dad?

No.

What did you mean, I can crush him for you?

Well, it would be better coming from a man, or failing that, you.

Please, Jimmy. I don't like hurting people.

Oh, you liar!

Anyway, I wouldn't know what to say.

Oh, come on, Jimmy! You've been dumped by thousands of women. You must have picked up some pointers.

This isn't fair! I didn't want you to go out with David in the first place.

Well, congratulations, now I'm not. You're the winner.

Then how come I feel like I'm the loser?

Habit?

So, how are you going to break it to him?

I thought I'd go with tradition, you know? "It's not you, it's my mother-in-law."

The best way to break up with someone

is to sit them down,

get them a nice cup of tea, give them a big hug,

and then tell them you're knocking off their sister.

And what if you're already "knocking off" their daughter?

Then you're a better man than me.

Come on, Jimmy. Be a man. Just tell David the truth.

That Diana thinks he's a psychotic flower-obsessive and wants nothing more to do with him?

You may want to sugar-coat it a little bit.

Well, thanks for the tip, Mary Poppins.

Tell him you're dying. That always works.

What sort of women do you go out with?

Just whatever's lying around.

Dead man walking, 6 o'clock.

Jimmy, good to see you again. Hi. I'm glad you called.

Didn't really get a chance to talk the other night, did we? Shall we

take a seat? Sounds a bit serious.

There's nothing wrong, I hope?

No, nothing's wrong. I mean, things aren't perfect, but when are they?

Do you play golf, Jimmy? Mini or crazy?

Nice one! No, seriously, there's no better way to get to know a man

than on the golf course, I always say. OK, why not? Good.

I think Siobhan might finally have

finally found herself a decent bloke at last. Who is he? I'll kill him.

And of course, we're gonna be seeing a lot more of each other now that Diana and I are...dating.

Yeah, about that... Yeah?

Um...I don't really know how to say this...

Oh, come on, Jimmy! You can tell me anything. Well, the thing is...

men and women...are different.

Yeah, I had noticed.

I just want to take this opportunity to say what a fine young man Jimmy is.

Yeah, I'm all right, Bobby.

No, what I mean is, you know, sometimes you think you like someone and then they do something

that makes you realise that you don't, that you want to get rid of them.

So Jimmy's on holiday in the Alps, and he sees these orphans get into a cable car...

Not now, Bobby! Please.

No, you see, sometimes a person realises that another person is just a bit too...

needy. I'm not sure I like the way this conversation's going, Jimmy.

Before I go any further, I just want to say that I really like you.

But we're not the problem. She is. She?

It's just not working. And that's all you've got to say? "It's not working."

I'm so sorry. Oh, please! At least try to be a man about it.

No, please, don't get upset. Look, the way I see it is...

why stick with one woman when you can play the field?

Look at her, eh?

Will you stop it? I'm not often wrong about a person, but I've certainly been wrong about you.

No. I didn't want this to happen. I don't want this to affect our friendship.

We don't have a friendship, Jimmy. Well, there's no need to rub it in.

And I have to say, if this is the way you behave,

then my daughter's certainly gonna be better off without you. Oh, come on, you don't really... What?!

Eyeing up other women in front of

her father? Have you even bothered to tell Siobhan

to her face yet, or are you just gonna stop calling and hope she gets the message? Now, Bobby. Now!

Did I mention one of the orphans was a diabetic?

Goodbye, Jimmy.

So, what happened? I think I've just split up with Siobhan.

Guess what, Gran? You've discovered your adoption papers?

I've drawn our new and improved family tree.

As you can see, things have got pretty complicated recently.

Alex, what is all this? It's what I like to call,

"our tangled web of blood".

Why can't you spend your time vandalising bus stops like the other boys?

Do you realise that if you marry David and Dad marries Siobhan,

he'll be your ex-son-in-law and your stepson-in-law.

Which means you'd be my grandmother once removed and put back again,

and I'll be my own brother.

I'm afraid to break it to you, but David and I are not getting married.

We're not even going on a date.

So, no tangled web of blood? Not unless David sends me more flowers and I kill him.

Check these out. Oh, wow! Fake nails. Can I have some?

No, you can't. It's bad enough if one member of the family has

the hands of a Texas lap dancer.

You have no idea about fashion, Gran.

And just look what I'm missing out on. Alex, a little help here, please?

Only if you trim the hedges into the shapes of animals.

Fine. I don't need your help. Gran, I won't be here for tea.

Ellie and I are going to the bowling alley where Mark hangs out. And you

know what that means! Free shoes.

Mark's going to notice me for once.

Yes, I think he will notice the girl who can't pick anything up.

Or eat, or text her friends. I can text.

See?

TELEPHONE RINGS

Hello. Diana, it's me. Yes?

I couldn't do it. I thought I'd better warn you that David is on

the loose, so anything could happen.

If you see a gorilla-gram approaching, hide behind the sofa and turn out the lights.

For goodness sake, Jimmy! Got to go. Problem number two has just walked in.

Hiya. What are you doing here? I just met your dad for a drink.

Really? That's great! Well, let's not jump to conclusions.

What did you do? Nothing. I just wanted to talk to him about this Diana situation.

Oh, don't remind me! I had a dream that Diana was my evil stepmother.

I had to run away and live with seven dwarves -

two of them were Ant and Dec. The other five were Tom Cruise.

Well, the good news is

that probably won't happen any more. Really? That's fantastic!

And the bad news is that you and I have split up.

What? All I was trying to do was keep everybody happy.

Diana doesn't want to go out with your dad, but I don't want him to hate me

so I thought I'd let him down gently. But then he thought I was talking about us

when really I was talking about them. I was looking for women for

him, but he thought it was for me.

So now he thinks I've dumped you, and he hates me, which is what I was trying to avoid in the first place.

Shouldn't you be in some sort of home? But she was trying to crush him and I couldn't let her crush him,

cos that would have reflected badly

on me and messed things up with you.

So you were just trying to "not mess things up" with me? Yes!

But you messed things up anyway? Yes.

Because you're an idiot? Yes.

Come here, idiot!

I'm really pleased you could make it, Diana.

Yes. Well...

we'll see. I'm sorry. Couldn't we go somewhere a bit more private?

But I thought you'd like him.

I do. I just thought we could have time alone, to talk.

David, I have something to say.

The thing is...

Shall we get some more wine?

No, I'm OK for wine! I'm trying to phrase this as gently as I can...

Let's go away for the weekend. How's about Paris?

OK, I've tried the gentle way, so here it is, David -

I don't like you. I don't like your bear and I don't like your mix tape.

Fair enough. What do you mean, "fair enough"?!

You're supposed to be devastated. That was supposed to crush you. Why aren't you crushed?

Why should I be crushed? It was just a bit of fun

and it's probably for the best.

To be honest, I don't really go for needy women. Needy?!

All those flowers I had to send you. I'm not needy! David, please,

tell me I'm not needy! Goodbye, Diana. You can keep the bear,

but I will need the mix tape back.

Right, dinner's ready.

Do you want saturated fat with spicy noodles,

or congealed fat with egg fried rice?

It all sounds so delicious(!) Oh, and if your gran asks,

we had mung beans and salad. What are mung beans?

I pray to God we never have to find out.

What's all that? It's the family tree.

I'm just TippEx-ing out the bits that won't happen now that David and Gran aren't getting together.

Such a shame. Now I'll never get to go on The Jeremy Kyle Show.

Welcome back, Wolverine! Shut up, Alex!

What's with all those claws? Siobhan gave them to me. Apparently, talons are in this year.

And was moped-boy impressed? No. I couldn't bowl,

I couldn't go to the toilet, and just when I got close to Mark...

this happened.

So you lost a nail?

Yeah. In his cheek.

Well, at least he's noticed you now.

I don't care. I've gone right off him.

I don't like men with scars.

Hold on, you took a chunk out of his cheek and now you're dumping him?

Get over it, Dad. I did.

You're getting more like your mother every day.

Pork ball? Oh, thanks.

Looks like Mark had a lucky escape.

Good evening.

Did you go down to the woods today?

I certainly hope you went in disguise.

Cos every bear that ever there was... Shut up, Jimmy!

Did you end it with David? Don't want to talk about it. Oh.

Did you crush him? I couldn't do it.

So you took pity on him? I tried

to crush him, but it didn't work.

Aw, never mind, Gran. Here, have some congealed fat.

Oh, all right.

Will your friend be eating with us...

or is he stuffed?

# After you've gone and left me crying

# After you've gone, there's no denying

# Someday, when you grow lonely

# Your heart will break like mine and you'll want me only

# After you've gone

# After you've gone away. #

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

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