Original subtitles

# After you've gone

# And left me crying

# After you've gone

# There's no denying

# Some day when you'll grow lonely

# Your heart will break like mine for you and me only

# After you've gone After you've gone away. #

Aaaahhhh! Aaaahhh!

I'm coming! Argh!

Argh!

Argh!

Argh! I'm coming! Molly, you OK?

What is it? What is it? What is it?

I've got nothing to wear.

And that's it?

You're not injured or attacked or having a bad dream about being injured or being attacked?

No. I hope for your sake there was at least somebody hiding in the wardrobe.

Oh, the school photo is coming up and I need to look amazing.

I thought there was an emergency.

Oh, this is an emergency.

Why are you holding a lamp?

I was gonna beat somebody up with it.

I still might.

Arghhh! Alex?

I've got nothing to wear!

You look tired, nightmares?

Yeah, both of them.

Sorry, but you don't know how important this school photo is to me,

this is the one day I get to choose what I wear and I need to look fabulous.

Yeah, you don't wanna end up with a photo like last year.

Hey, that was a great photo.

Why isn't it on the wall? It is.

It's nice to have something to look at when you're in the attic.

What about two years ago when you overdid the mascara.

Hey, you're a beautiful girl and you look great in anything.

You wouldn't understand, Jimmy,

not all of us have the luxury of dressing like a vagrant day after day.

Thank you, Gran. A lot of thought goes into this look.

"What T-shirt shall I wear today? Soup stained or egg splattered?"

Decisions, decisions!

Plus I'll be standing next to Becky Vincent again this year.

And what's the problem with that? She's a goddess.

Yeah, the cow.

I thought she was your friend.

You really don't know anything about women. It's all your fault really.

Why's this my fault? For giving me your last name, Venables.

Yeah, that was just selfish.

If our last name were Wenables, then I'd be next to Emma Wingate.

Yeah, anyone could look good next to Emma Wingate.

I'm not changing my name to Wenables.

PHONE RINGS

..Hello.

..Bridge, now? How decadent.

..Oh, what the hell, I'll be there in 20 minutes, bye.

Last-minute bridge game.

Life in the fast lane, better buckle up, Diana.

You might like to play bridge sometime, Jimmy, we always need a dummy.

Cheerio!

Well, there's to another job well done. There you go.

Oh, by the way, I'm thinking of having another poker game tonight. All right.

Why is it you always have your poker nights when its pay day?

Just coincidence.

Oh, next time you come up, could you get me another drink?

Just stretching out my new jeans.

You up for poker? Yep. What do you think, be honest, you like them but they make me look fat?

No, they look great. I'm thinking of hopping over the bar and doing a bit of stretching with you.

Oh, you are such a romantic.

Hey, Bobby, we're playing poker at Jimmy's tonight, what do you reckon?

I am a little low on funds.

I suppose I could find a way to grab some quick cash.

Not the jar again.

Just give what you can, for the puppies.

Didn't you pull this when you needed the money for that big telly?

No, that was for the kittens.

Aah.

Why don't you try on this lovely trouser suit?

Mmm, I'm worried it may clash with my wimple and chastity belt.

So, this is the women's changing area.

Alex, I told you to wait outside.

I just wanted to see what it was like. I must say I am disappointed.

What were you expecting, cushions, scented candles, Turkish Delight?

Frankly, yes.

This is just like the men's except...

without the smell of old socks.

Alex, why don't you go off and find yourself a nice shirt.

The thing is if I get a nice, new shirt I'll probably need a decent pair of trousers to match.

Course if I get a decent pair of

trousers then these shoes

are gonna look pretty scruffy, it's a vicious circle.

Your feet won't be in the picture. They could be if I jump.

How will you be able to jump with broken legs?

And I'm out of here.

So, what do you think?

Should I get them to wrap it up or will you wear it straight down to the docks?

I need to look sexy not 60.

Are you sure you don't want to wear that trouser suit? Look, Gran,

haven't you ever had a friend

who's so perfect and beautiful that nobody even notices you?

Just once I'd like for people to

notice me, so I can rub Becky's perfect, little ski-jump nose in it.

Do you know I did have a friend like that, Monique,

she was a right little madam.

All the boys loved her because they thought she was French.

She was from Ramsgate!

She used to steal all my boyfriends.

Get the trampy dress.

Oh! Thank you, Gran.

Oh, hi, guys, how'd it go?

I got a cool dress, Becky is gonna hate me.

Well, that's wonderful.

And I rented a Tux.

Very sharp.

I'm sure everyone will hate you too.

Pretty classy, hey. I thought why waste my money

on a new shirt and trousers when I

can rent the whole kit and caboodle.

But did you have to wear it the whole way home?

Yeah, I wanna get my money's worth and I look good.

Jimmy, you're actually tidying up, I'm impressed.

I'm trying to create a nice, warm family atmosphere for

my poker game, so you kids get lost.

I have to tell you now, Jimmy, that I disapprove of gambling.

OK, who had closest to six o'clock?

Er, me, dad, pay up.

Honestly, you'll have them distilling Moonshine in the bath next.

I don't give you a hard time about your bridge games.

It's an intellectual pursuit that requires skill, unlike poker.

There's plenty of skill in poker. Please, a monkey could play it.

If a monkey can stump up ten quid, he's welcome at my table any time.

When you think about it life's a bit of a gamble.

God, I can say anything in this tux and it sounds cool.

Can't you go to the cinema or something? You can pretend to be the manager.

Even better why don't we have a family game of Cluedo?

We've already played that, it was Professor Plum.

I'll go and find it.

Don't worry, after the last time I hid it in the shed.

25p.

50. £1.

£2.

£1 million.

Alex...

You don't have a license to kill.

You're not even playing, leave.

OK, I'll raise you two.

It's £4 to you.

Well, I fold.

Remember, Jimmy, lucky at cards, unlucky in love.

You're bluffing.

Can you afford to take that chance?

Erm, yes. Your bet, Kev.

I'm out, and by the way I'm not having it off with you either.

I'll stay in and see what you've got.

I call you.

Can you beat...a flush?

No, but I can throw my cards down angrily on the table.

I'm out. Oh, what!

I've got to get back to the pub before my nephew burns it to the ground.

Oh, come on, it's only a pub, we'll drink somewhere else.

Just a few more hands.

Sorry, Jimmy. Anyway if I stay any longer you'll own the place.

See ya. See ya then. Bye.

Maybe we should pack it in, it's not the same with three players.

We just haven't tried it with three, it could be fun.

Menage a Poker.

OK, and we're packing it in.

Jimmy, have you seen the Cluedo, I can't find that stupid game anywhere?

Don't tell her where it is, Dad. >

Actually, Diana, do you want to come in, Bobby's had to go.

Absolutely not.

Oh, OK. If you're afraid to play me, I understand.

It's a difficult game, there are nuances.

Deal me in.

JAMES BOND THEME: # Bom tikka bom bom bom bom bom

# Bom tikka bom bom Bom bom bom

# Bom tikka bom bom

# Ba doo...! Ow!

AS SEAN CONNERY: Ah, Moneypenny, how's the game?

Fine, I've kindly offered to get some crisps for your father.

Everything all right? No, everything's wrong, very wrong.

I keep losing to your father.

God, I need a drink. Shaken, stirred? Swallowed.

I can't understand why I keep losing to him,

it's like Kasperov losing a chess match to Peter Andre.

Dad's good but there is a way you can beat him. What way? Uh-uh.

How much do you want? One million... Alex.

All right, 10% of your winnings.

Done.

Dad's got a tell.

A what? A tell, a give away, something he does when he's lying.

I spotted it earlier when I watched him play.

If you see him tug his ear like this... that means he's bluffing.

And he's no idea he's doing it? Nope.

Alex, you're about to get 10% of your father's shirt.

The bet's to you, it's a massive...£1.

Raise it £2.

I fold. Out.

I'll call you.

You sure you wanna do that? Absolutely, what do you have?

Pair of threes.

Pair of jacks.

Maybe you were right, Jimmy, there is some skill involved.

Three kings,

come to mama.

You worried, Jimmy? No, no, not at all.

I'm all in.

All right, I'm all in.

Erm, well, no, you can't actually do that cos it's against the rules.

No, no, I'm feeling confident, I'll cover it.

My house, my rules.

Actually it's Anne's house.

OK, my cards, my rules.

Can you lend me about 60 quid?

Why don't I cut out the middle man and give it straight to Diana?

Kev? I've got nothing left, boss, you've even won my watch.

Oh, yeah, Kev's watch.

I might be a bit late for work tomorrow, boss.

I suppose I can always take an I.O.U.

OK, that's fine.

But I don't want money.

If I win, you have to say this to me every time you see me.

"I'm a little monkey Ooh, ooh, ooh!"

You're not serious.

But for that last part you have to sound more monkeyish.

Jimmy, don't.

Yeah, she has to lose sometime.

True, but not this time.

I could have sworn you were bluffing.

That's funny I thought you were too, monkey boy.

Good morning, how did you sleep?

Very suavely, thank you.

You slept in your tux?

Yeah, I'm not taking it off till I have to return it and it's surprisingly comfy.

Morning, Jimmy.

I've got a busy day so I'll just be going.

Aren't you forgetting something?

Erm, no time for breakfast, thanks.

Something else?

Come on, Diana, do you really want me to humiliate myself?

A bet's a bet.

I'm a little monkey.

And what does the little monkey say?

AS A MONKEY: Whoo-whoo-whoo!

Oh, Dad.

I'm sorry, children, you shouldn't have to see your father like this.

Come on, it's not as bad as the time you...

actually this is an all-time low.

Here, have some breakfast you don't want to work on an empty stomach.

Yeah, well, maybe some toast... Here you are.

PHONE RINGS

..Hello?

..Oh, yes, I can't wait to play bridge again.

..Yes, you were fantastic too.

I could play for hours and hours.

..See you later, bye.

Come on Diana, what do you want for the I.O.U.? Just name your price.

This is worth more than anything you can afford.

I'm very upset with you.

That was fun last night, boss.

Yeah, it was a hoot(!)

How much did you lose? I'd rather not talk about it.

I'll bet, it was a blood bath.

Can we please just change the subject?

Ere, could you do your monkey impression?

Tell you what, you go first.

Hey! Boss... Boss!

What do you think, Becky? It's beautiful you're gonna

look so good. I know.

I still don't know what I'm gonna wear.

What you've got on now is fine.

Do you think so? Yep. Oh, well, I suppose it's only school.

I mean it's not a competition and you could look good in a sack.

You should wear a sack.

Becky Vincent, we meet again.

Hi, Alex. (You said he wasn't gonna be here.)

So you asked about me. I guess some women just

can't resist a man in a tux.

I hate coming here.

How do you think I feel, I have to live here. Come on, let's go downstairs.

Oh, your tux is starting to reek.

That's just the musky scent of a man.

There you go, no hard feelings.

Well, no feelings at all.

This arm's now two inches longer than the other one.

It's just that game with Diana really got to me.

It was like she could read my mind, she was always one step ahead.

Do you have any money left to pay for these drinks?

Careful, don't annoy him. You don't wanna end up stuck on a roof having to climb down

a drainpipe, jump off onto a passing dustcart, knock yourself out and end up on a landfill site on the A312.

I don't think that's likely, do you?

Well, if you were to ask me that this morning...

Maybe I should just challenge her for a rematch.

Diana's a shark, Jimmy, that bridge club of hers

must be pretty cut-throat.

She doesn't scare me.

Jimmy! Oh!

Why are you always sneaking up on me like that.

I've just come to collect a little more of my winnings, here in the pub in front of all your friends.

All right, let's get this over with.

I'm a little monkey, whoo-whoo-whoo!

THEY LAUGH

That is funny...

..and totally uncalled for.

Come, Kevin, let's get away from the organ grinder.

He's still a bit upset about the game, he said

you read him like a book.

More like a pamphlet, besides I have an advantage.

Ah, he said you cheated.

I do not cheat, he gave himself away.

How?

I shouldn't really.

If I tell you, it might make life difficult for poor Jimmy.

OK, here it is, every time he lies he tugs his ear.

Now that you mention it he does tug his ear...

a lot.

Look at him moping around, sad little monkey.

I suppose I should tell him at some point and put him out of his misery.

Yes, absolutely you should, erm...

..but not just yet.

Don't be too hard on him.

Erm, Jimmy, you remember the time I wanted us to go to Cornwall

and you couldn't go because you had to work at the last minute.

Er, yeah.

Did you really have to work?

Yeah, course I did.

I see. Oh, and what about the time I wanted us to take salsa lessons and you pulled your, erm...

Oh, god what was it? Erm... Deltoids.

Right, yes, right, your deltoids.

Mmm, yeah, it's still a bit tender when it rains.

Oh, you poor thing.

How about we see that new Sandra Bullock film tonight?

Oh, I'd love to but I've already made plans with Kev.

You're helping me bath my grandmother?

Erm, yeah.

You're lying. No, I promise I'll watch it with you when it's out on DVD.

Lie. Why don't you just tell the truth?

You have no plans, you're gonna sit around watching telly,

you hate Sandra Bullock and you're never gonna watch anything of hers with me, at the cinema or on DVD.

How are you doing this?

Never mind that.

I'm gonna ask you one more time.

Do these jeans look good on me?

I have to go.

Jimmy, I'm your girlfriend, we should be completely

honest and open with each other.

Please let me out of here.

Do these jeans make me look fat?

Erm... Oh, my god you're lying and you haven't even answered yet.

Siobhan... If you will excuse me, I'm just gonna waddle down to the shop and exchange these for a smock.

Siobhan, wait, wait! They don't look that bad.

I can't hear you, my ears are too fat to let the sound in.

This should give me four to six weeks of rainforest freshness.

I don't know what's going on but I'm starting with you, what's going on?

Nothing much, but Molly's friend's got a bit of a crush on me.

I'm talking about the fact that somehow Diana and Siobhan both seem to know when I'm...

not being entirely truthful.

Oh, that.

So you do know about it.

No.

Start talking or the tux gets it.

Right. I may have inadvertently told Gran about your tell. Huh, I don't have a tell.

Well, then I guess Gran's just a better poker player.

Come on, what is it?

Every time you lie you touch your ear.

What?

I'll prove it.

Go on lie to me about something. OK.

Alex, I'm not angry with you and you're not grounded.

Damn!

That's amazing because I am angry with you and you are grounded.

That's a pity because everyone has a tell,

even Gran.

OK, you're un-grounded.

This morning when Gran was on the phone with

her bridge partner, she kept scratching her neck.

Maybe she's got scabies.

No, scratching her neck that's her tell.

But why would she lie about bridge,

and what is that smell?

Hi, I'm George Clooney.

Kev's won a Nobel Prize.

Come on, you can do this.

It's great having Diana around all the time.

Yes, cracked it.

KNOCKING

Dad, what you doing in there?

Erm, I'm shaving.

DIANA: Hello! >

Right, you stay in the pocket.

Hello, Diana, nice to see you.

This is my bridge partner, Phillip.

Jimmy, aren't you going to introduce yourself? Yeah, I'm Jimmy.

No, do it properly.

I'm a little monkey, whoo-whoo-whoo!

Nice to meet you.

I just popped round to give you this casserole

for the children's dinner tonight, last-minute bridge game came up.

Say that again. Our bridge group's meeting tonight.

Oh, I see so you and your bridge partner, Phillip,

are going to play bridge tonight?

That's right, we're playing bridge.

Have you lost your ability to understand the English language?

I understand a lot more than you think.

I seriously doubt that.

And what sort of bridge will you and Phillip be playing?

Standard bridge or hump back?

Whatever do you mean?

Hump back.

He's on to us.

Phillip, will you wait in the car.

How did you know?

Because Diana you have a tell.

Alex.

I had to, Gran, it was you or me and let's face it I've got more years left.

Phillip's going through a divorce, we have to be discreet.

I see. So tell me have you and Phillip ever actually played bridge?

Yes.

Are you sure about that? Of course.

All right, no, never.

If you really want to know, we normally go to a cheap hotel on the A40

and hang the "do not disturb" sign on the door for a very long time.

Yeah, OK, Diana, that's enough truth.

Look all I want is that I.O.U. back,

there will be no more monkey dancing.

Very well.

And for what it's worth I'm very sorry I made you act like a monkey.

And I forgive you.

What happened to your tux?

I washed it. You're not supposed to wash a tux, it's dry clean only.

Have you ever seen James Bond in the dry cleaners?

Do you think they'll notice when I take it back?

You look like a ventriloquist's dummy.

I do not look like a ventriloquist's dummy.

Do I look like a ventriloquist's dummy?

Get back in your box.

OK, everyone, take your places please.

Hi, Molly.

You're wearing my outfit.

I liked yours so much I got one too.

You can't wear the same thing, take it off!

No, you take yours off. I had it first.

You are taking that off. No. People are gonna think we're losers.

No, they're going to think you're a loser.

Why would I copy you?

THEY SCREAM

SCREAMING CONTINUES

Oh, well, another one for the attic.

Do you know I think it's healthier us being honest and

open with each other. Yeah.

I did my hair up, do you like it? Not really.

Well, what about the new top?

Er...

Maybe we don't have to be honest about everything.

Oh, thank God.

So, do you have a tell?

Ha-ha, of course I do. Well, what is it? Oh, no.

Look, it's only fair I know yours since you know mine.

OK, all right, here it is.

Oh, Jimmy...

Oh, God...

Oh, Jimmy!

Oh, yeah, oh, yeah!

Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!

Yeah-yeah! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!

Oh!

Oh!

That's not funny.

No, I know, I'm joking.

Or am I? Come here.