Original subtitles

# After you've gone

# And left me crying

# After you've gone

# There's no denying

# Some day, when you grow lonely

# Your heart will break like mine

# And you'll want me only

# After you've gone

# After you've gone awa-ay. #

Aahh.

Big day today.

You'll never guess what.

Don't wanna hear it, I've gotta finish this homework.

OK.

Fine.

HE WHISTLES PETER AND THE WOLF

Stop whistling. Sorry.

HE HUMS THE SAME TUNE

Stop humming.

As you wish.

HE BEATBOXES

OK, fine! What is it?

I'm not sure if I want to tell you now. Alex!

All right, since you begged me.

Today's the day I get

the results from my personality test.

And you're expecting good news.

What news, my Thisbe?

Well, Gran, today the careers advisor is going to tell me which job I'm best suited to.

Finally my full potential revealed to an expectant world.

That's wonderful, Alex, I have every confidence

that you've thrown off the shackles of your father's sluggish DNA.

Just think of it, I could be a lung surgeon

or a celebrity chef... or an

international playboy/archaeologist.

Get real. You're right, I'm aiming too low.

Have you ever considered becoming a plumber?

Still not got your shower fixed?

Oh, how much further do we have to expand the European Union before

someone will mend my thermostat?

Anyway, if you'll excuse me. Think about it...plumber.

With my career prospects, I'll buy you a plumber.

What can I buy for you, Molly, eh?

Boyfriend?

You can't buy me what I want - to be an only child.

That doesn't look like homework.

OK, it's a design for my tattoo.

You'll never get Dad to agree to that.

I'm just gonna be extra nice to him, it works every time.

Never ever be nice, they can spot that a mile away.

Trust me, timing is key,

you have to wait until the parent is weak or preoccupied, then go in for the kill.

Morning, kids. (Watch and learn!)

Morning, Dad! So, what are you up to today?

What do you want?

Nothing. Can't a daughter just be nice to her father?

OK, if you really wanna know, it's interesting. We've gotta put up plasterboard but there's a pipe...

Actually, I've got homework.

It's all right, Dad, she didn't want to hear me beatbox either.

HE BEATBOXES

Would you mind closing the door?

I didn't see anything. Get out!

Do you want some breakfast? No, thank you.

Dad, are you all right?

No, thank you.

What?

Why didn't you tell me your gran was here?

Because it didn't come up in conversation.

Well, I really wish that it had.

Something's wrong with dad.

If you're having a stroke, blink three times.

Does your arm feel numb? Can you smell burning toast?

Oh, my God, I can smell toast.

Oh, that'll be mine.

Come on, Jimmy, it's no big deal.

I don't wanna talk about it.

Talk about what?

Your father walked in

as I was stepping out of the shower.

Whoa!

He saw me naked.

Now, go in for the kill.

Can I have a tattoo? Yeah, whatever you want.

No, you may not, and stop trying

to take advantage of the situation.

And you, get over it. It's only the human body.

Yes, but it's your human body.

Well, I'm very proud of it.

And yes, yes, and why not?

It was very, um...

On an aesthetic level, I can see why you'd enjoy...

Why didn't you just lock the door?

You mean with the lock I keep asking you to fix but you keep putting off?

Yes, that lock.

Look, there's no need for anybody to feel awkward.

I don't feel awkward at all.

No, Diana, you're right. It was only for a split second and I really didn't see anything.

I saw everything.

Did you get a picture, boss?

No, I didn't get a picture.

You wanna get a camera phone.

I didn't want a picture.

Here's one of me neighbour in her dressing gown putting out her bin bag.

There's one of her hitting me with the bin bag.

That's the duty solicitor.

Listen, Jimmy,

you've been through a traumatic experience, the best thing for you to do is talk about it...

in detail...

slowly.

What is wrong with you?

It's been a while for me, Jimmy.

She is my mother-in-law.

Yes, but you have to admit, she's a very attractive woman.

I don't care if she's Scarlett Johannsen, she's my mother-in-law!

Well, maybe you could just draw what you saw.

Please, can we just talk about something else? Sure. Fine.

No problem.

Was she dripping wet?

Or just kind of glistening?

Look, Kev, this is a problem for me,

I have to see Diana all the time and I cannot get that image out of my head.

Look, don't mention this to Siobhan, OK?

Relax, mum-in-law's the word.

Hi, handsome. We still on for tonight?

Well, I'll assume you're referring to me, and so the answer is yes.

So, what are you boys talking about?

Naked women.

What? I didn't say you saw Diana naked.

Thanks, Kev.

You saw Diana naked.

It's nothing. I accidentally walked in on her when she was in the shower.

Accidentally? Are you sure?

Because some people say there's no such thing as an accident.

Then how would you explain Kev?

That's hurtful.

You're hurt? He's two-timing me with his mother-in-law. Ex-mother-in-law.

X-rated mother-in-law.

You're enjoying this.

Yeah, question is, did you?

Siobhan! All right. I'm sorry, I'll make up for it later.

Really? Yeah, really. If you play your cards right, you may get to see

two naked women in the same day.

Now, if you wanna use the zoom, you press this one.

Hello?

I'm coming in.

I'm in.

I'm approaching the living room. Is everybody decent?

I'm entering the living room.

Gran's in the kitchen. She's fully dressed.

Dad, you're just in time, I got the results of my test back,

I'm about to find out how I'll spend the rest of my life.

Oh, you open it. I'm too excited.

My destiny is in your hands.

Relax, Alex. It's just a test.

Well, what thrilling adventures await?

Accountancy.

Very funny. Ha-ha! What does it really say?

Accountancy. Accountancy? Ha-ha!

Sorry.

Dear God, this can't be.

There are worse things than being an accountant. Name one.

I can't right now.

I was supposed to be destined for greater things,

to leave my mark, to change the world, to date supermodels.

Well, you can still do those things...

some of those things.

Well, one of them at least.

I don't expect you to understand. You're a builder.

I'd rather be a builder than an ac...

You see?

Well, I'd better go and start counting things...

like reasons to live. That's the spirit.

You handled that really well. You are such a good father.

Just tell me what you want.

All right, I need £50 for the tattoo.

I don't think you should be getting a tattoo.

OK, I need £50 for a book.

Oh, well if you put it that way...

No.

Fine.

But if you don't give me the money, I'll end up in some cut-price, back-street tattoo parlour

where they use un-sterilised needles.

I'll probably get hepatitis C or lose an arm to gangrene. No biggie.

I'll think about it. Oh, thank you, thank you!

I just said I will think about it.

Yes, but we both know it's only a matter of time.

I'm entering the kitchen.

Diana. Jimmy.

Something smells good. Thank you.

I'm making a risotto,

I got the recipe from the Naked Chef.

Very funny.

I got a new lock so you don't have to worry about any more accidents.

I'm not worried. No, no, me neither.

Then why can't you look at me?

I am looking at you. Really?

Yeah.

Just so that you know, I won't be in for dinner. I'm going round to Siobhan's.

Who are you talking to?

Jimmy, I sense that you're still feeling embarrassed about seeing me.

Embarrassed? Me? No, what makes you say that?

You're addressing the wall.

I'm just checking it for structural...stuff.

And it seems fine.

This is ridiculous, just look at me.

Ok, no problem.

That wasn't so hard.

I'll go and fix this lock.

Mmm, lovely.

# The look of love

# Is in your eyes

# The look... #

It's OK.

Plenty of time.

I'm sorry, it's Diana.

I can't get the image out of my head.

Well, why don't you try thinking about something that, um...

you really...

really like.

OK.

Although I don't see how thinking about crisps is gonna help.

I meant me. Oh.

Plenty of time. See, that's not helping.

Well, wake me then if you have any sudden urges.

Well, actually...

You're not eating crisps in bed.

Something's troubling you, I can tell.

Look at the way you're handling that nail gun. There's no joy in it.

I hate seeing you like this, boss - cold, distant, unresponsive.

It's like when I asked for that pay rise.

It's Diana. I've got the image of her etched into my brain.

Memories fade, boss, you have to give it time.

It's starting to effect other things. Last night with Siobhan I couldn't...

watch the telly.

That's terrible.

I was really up for it, you know? And it was my favourite programme

and it was right there on the screen, practically begging me to watch it, I couldn't.

You wanna get yourself Sky Plus.

You can stop halfway and come back to it.

Forget it.

I know. You need to see something else so shocking

that it completely wipes away that image. You know, Like scaring you out of the hiccups.

What could possibly get that image out of my head, other than going to war.

Oh, this is bad, boss.

Not now and I appreciate your concern but I'll be fine.

Not that, you just nail-gunned my foot to the floor.

Oh, Kev this is horrible!

But it's no good, I can still see her.

Ah!

Ahh, I didn't know

you were interested in butterflies.

I'm very interested.

I'm thinking about getting one there.

Absolutely not. You're not having an insect imprinted on your body

for all the world to see. Fine.

What about a transfer?

I've thought of that, but what family would have you?

Dad, Gran won't let me have the tattoo even though you said I could.

Is that true, Jimmy?

A tattoo may be the sort of youthful idiocy your father

might excuse as free expression

but I won't stand for it.

Come on, Diana you can't tell me you never did anything like this

when you were Molly's age.

What do you mean by that?

I'm just saying we've all done things we regret.

Molly, could you give me a moment alone with your father?

If I give you a moment, can I get the tattoo?

OK.

Can I leave too?

Go ahead, say it. Say what?

The other day, when you walked in on me, you saw it.

Well, yes, I saw it.

I'm not proud of it.

It seemed normal to me.

I have regretted that tattoo ever since I got it.

Ah! A tattoo.

What on earth did you think we were talking about?

I'd rather not say.

It was on my hip, surely you noticed?

I thought that was a birth mark.

So, what is it? A unicorn, a flaming skull?

Sir Anthony Eden?

Do you want me to show you again?

No, Diana, I'll pay you not to.

So, has the jury reached a verdict on the tattoo yet?

They're still deciding.

As your accountant, I'd advise you to forgo the "body art"

and put the money into

a high-interest retirement account,

estimating conservatively a return of 5.5% over the next 40 years.

Oh, my god, I'm so boring.

No more boring than usual.

Mmm. So, Diana has a tattoo.

I must admit, it's nice to know you're not so perfect.

I never said I was perfect. You have, repeatedly.

The point is, we all do stupid things when we're young.

I remember when my daughter married you.

It's the flaming skull, isn't it?

If you must know, it's a rose.

A rose. So it's all right for you to have a tattoo, but not for Molly.

That's what I've been telling you.

I don't want Molly to get a tattoo either, but how can we stop her?

If I tell her not to do something she just does it all the more.

We could make that work for us.

A bit of reverse psychology.

Brilliant. Molly, dear?

Good news. We've talked it over and...

We think you should get the tattoo.

Whatever you want, we're all for it. In fact, have two.

Oh, great! Thank you.

Molly, could you give us another moment?

How many moments do you need?

That isn't quite what I meant.

Well, maybe we should just try being honest.

Tell Molly about your floral display.

Fine. Molly?

Look, what seems cool to you now

may not seem as cool to you in ten years.

Even less in 30 years.

Believe it or not, when I was young, I got a tattoo.

It's a rose.

What I'm trying to say is that it was a mistake, a mistake that

I've regretted every day since.

Do you understand what I'm trying to tell you? Yeah.

I'm getting a tattoo! I'm getting a tattoo!

# The look of love

# Is in your eyes... #

Are you ready?

I've been ready for about five minutes.

Well, you'd better be.

You'll never guess what I found out about Diana.

Jimmy?

Is that a rose?

Yes, do you like it?

I've stopped being ready.

What's wrong?

Diana has a rose tattoo. Right, get out.

Can't we at least talk about it?

Nope. Here you are, Kev. Thanks.

I'd like another Coke. Oh, it's all about your needs, isn't it?

All I said was I'd like another Coke.

Well, I have needs too, I would like to have a...

OK, we don't have to talk about...

What's she mean by that, boss?

EUm... Ooh, Kev, could you just grab me that bowl of nuts?

Sure.

HE GRUNTS IN PAIN

You act as if this is somehow my fault,

which it is, but I can't help it.

Admit it, you can't stop thinking about her. Why not sleep with her

and get it over with?

You can't seriously believe I'm interested in Diana.

Well, you don't seem to be very interested in me.

KEV PANTS

There you go, boss. Thanks.

Oh, you couldn't grab me

a couple of those napkins, could you?

All right, but I am in a lot of pain, you know.

Ah!

Look, maybe I just need a little more time.

Why are you so uncomfortable? She's not even your mother-in-law now!

I know. Unless you still have feelings for Anne. What?

It's got nothing to do with that.

I would be just as uncomfortable if I saw your mother naked.

Really? Yes.

Oh, that's all I wanted to hear.

But please don't make me prove it.

Actually, can I get one of those, I'm starting to bleed.

Look, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have got so upset.

No, I'm sorry, I shouldn't have...

Well, no, I should have, but... Well, you know what I mean.

Ooh, don't look now, Diana's here.

Diana. Where?

Where did you come from?

How does my hair look?

Jimmy, we need to talk.

Hello.

Hello. How about a drink on the house for the lovely lady?

That's kind of you, I'll have a brandy.

Excellent choice.

He's so friendly. Yes.

Yes, he was saying the other day how he'd like to see more of you.

Good news. Did you know that it's illegal for minors to get tattoos?

Molly won't be able to get one regardless of what we say.

So, we don't have to be the bad guys.

Exactly.

They crush her dreams and we act supportive and disappointed, it's a win-win scenario.

Here's your drink. Thank you.

The other one's from Kev.

Oh.

Compliments of the gentleman at the bar.

My goodness, this is a friendly pub.

You told them you saw me naked.

It may have slipped out.

Jimmy, how could you?

Well, you said it was no big deal.

Oh, my God!

They're all undressing me with their eyes.

No, they're not.

Well, as long as you didn't mention the tattoo.

I'll show you mine, if you show me yours.

Right, I think I'll just be going.

Listen, you lot, put your eyes back in their sockets, you should be ashamed of yourselves.

Alex, why are you getting letters from old people's homes?

Oh, I decided to skip the accounting and go straight to retirement.

I tried to embrace it, I even went to an accounting firm to see what it was all about.

I had to leave. Too depressing?

No, security threw me out.

Busy day ahead then?

Oh, yeah, got Cash In The Attic, a little nap, then Diagnosis Murder.

Alex, I don't mind you watching this stuff, but please don't circle them in TV Quick.

Ooh, could you turn the heating up, the cold gets right into my bones.

OK, how long is this gonna last?

What's that?

You, feeling sorry for yourself because of a stupid test.

I hate to say this, but I miss the old Alex.

I miss him too.

Boiled sweet?

Just because some test says you should become an accountant doesn't mean you have to be.

Alex, you are special.

Do you mean that?

Special in many, many ways.

Thanks. And I'll tell you something else, my careers advisor said

I should become a doctor, but that is not what I became.

So, you could have been a well-paid, highly respected medical professional.

What happened?

That's not the point.

The point is you can be anything you want to be.

You're right, Dad. I could be Prime Minister.

Well, yes, or something in sales.

Thanks, Dad, I feel like a new man.

I'm keeping the big slipper though, it's really comfy.

Good news, Gran, I don't have to be an accountant.

Elephant trainer is back on the table.

Lovely, or something in sales.

And how long have you been lurking there?

I'm rather proud of you at the moment, don't spoil it.

I feel like a cup of tea, would you like one?

Yeah, sure. Nice chocky bikkie?

OK, now you're scaring me.

I think we should celebrate.

It's so rare to see you exhibit good parenting skills.

Was this supposed to be a compliment?

Tell me, did your careers advisor really say you should be a doctor?

No, he said I was suited for building work.

Oh, well played.

MOBILE RINGS

Hi, Kev.

Oh!

Right. Er, no, you wait in the van. I'll be out in a minute.

Yes, yes, I will ask her.

Kev says if your plumbing's out and you need a shower, the water pressure at his...

There's not enough water pressure in the world!

I hate my life.

Here she is, here's my girl, so let's see the new tattoo.

Yes, how's the tattoo? You can forget about the tattoo, they wouldn't give me one.

They didn't believe I was 18, even with fake ID.

I'll look after this until you're 18.

By then I'll be able to get a real one.

Well, Miss Wanda William Wilberforce, I hope you've learned a valuable lesson.

I did. Don't tell your dad you've got fake ID.

Exactly. And you can't get a tattoo unless you're an adult.

Yes, and that. Yeah.

But you can get your belly button pierced, look.

How could you let this happen? Me?

Yes, if it wasn't for you even entertaining the idea of a tattoo

she wouldn't have mutilated her belly button.

Oh, come on. Its just a little belly piercing...Inky Hips.

Give me that biscuit.

Oh, what a shame there isn't a doctor in the house.

Tell you what, Kev, it's like a circus freak show back there.

Tattooed lady, the amazing perforated girl,

Corky the elephant boy.

Of course, there's no prizes for guessing who's gonna have to...

Are you all right? Yeah, boss.

Good thing I was wearing a seat belt.

I wish you were wearing more than that.

I was just trying to help you get the other image out of your head.

What seems to be the, er...

problem?

Look, it's not what you think.

I dunno, I've got a vivid imagination.

You see, there was a wasp in the van

and it made me swerve into the lamp post.

What about that one?

The impact of the crash made his clothes fly off?

I find that very difficult to believe.

Thought you said you had a vivid imagination. Let me handle this.

You see, he was having problems... sexually.

Please, please,

just arrest me.

# The look of love... #

Are you sure you're ready?

Oh, don't you worry about me, I am cured.

Diana has been driven out by the sight of Kev totally naked.

Apart from the seatbelt, you could see everything, warts and all.

I mean, my insurance will go up,

but what the heck. So come here, you.

Oh, no, don't touch me.

What's wrong?

Er, well...

Now I'M not in the mood.

It's OK,

I understand.

Plenty of time...

Or shall I just get some crisps? Yes.

# After you've gone

# And left me crying

# After you've gone

# There's no denying

# Some day, when you grow lonely

# Your heart will break like mine

# And you'll want me only

# After you've gone

# After you've gone awa-ay. #

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk