Original subtitles

# After you've gone

# And left me crying

# After you've gone

# There's no denying

# Some day when you grow lonely

# Your heart will break like mine

# And you'll want me only

# After you've gone

# After you've gone away. #

Mmm, this is nice, isn't it?

Mmm, yeah.

What are you doing?

I'm going to sleep. Jimmy, this is the last night we've got the house to ourselves.

Exactly. That's why I need my sleep.

Oi, Casanova, wake up!

Siobhan!

I've gotta get up at six, tidy the house and get to the airport in time to pick up Diana and the kids.

Jimmy, we're alone in the house, the kids are away.

I'm not even supposed to be here.

Don't you feel the teensiest bit naughty?

I've felt the teensiest bit naughty in every room in the house. Give a man a break!

Well, if you're gonna have a break, stick the kettle on, then.

You know a cup of tea gets you going.

Yeah, all right.

And, erm...

when you come back, I might have something hot and steamy for you.

All right. Or I'll bring you up something with a handle

and a spout...

made of China.

I'm no good at this, am I? Just make the tea. All right.

Siobhan? What? I can't find any clean mugs.

Well, wash some!

I can't find any dirty mugs either.

It's a bit of a mess down here.

Oh, f-f-f-f-flip.

I've...

Hi, guys! Welcome home.

You're back early. How was your trip?

It's like we've never been away,

apart from the three-foot layer of rubbish.

Well, as you can see, I was in the middle of getting everything nice and tidy for you.

I've seen landfill sites tidier than this.

I like what you've done with the place. It's got a real Womble chic thing going on.

You were supposed to meet us at the airport.

Ah. Yeah. This'll make you laugh.

I thought you were coming back at 10am tomorrow, when in fact

you flew in at 10pm tonight!

Well, you gotta see the funny side.

We've got to, have we?

Thank you.

Now, who wants...

to watch the telly?

You've had two weeks, Dad.

You only had to remember one thing.

So, how was Africa?

Ah, the boundless savannah, the blood-red sunsets, the strange brands of biscuit.

Should have been there, Dad.

He should have been at the airport.

Look what I got.

Good God! It's a fertility idol.

I can see that.

You can have that back when you're 18.

It took me ages to carve that.

So, enlighten me.

What exactly have you been doing

for the past two weeks?

Hurry up, Jimmy, I'm gasping for it. And not just the tea!

Oh, hello!

Siobhan, how did you get in?

# I see a bad moon rising

# I see trouble on the way... #

Morning, sweetheart! Oh, you noticed?

Really missed you, you know.

Well, I'm back now, aren't I?

How was Africa? Hot.

And another thing... Don't tell me you've been there all night.

I wanted to catch you early. We need a talk. We had a talk last night.

That was a little chat.

Look, I'm onto it. You see?

It's about Siobhan.

Oh. Has she been spending the night here?

Erm, ooh, let me think.

Er, yes, I think she did, erm, once.

You THINK she did. Well, did she?

I can't remember.

You can't remember? My, my, the last of the red-hot lovers(!)

All right, Diana, Siobhan has been staying here. So what?

So think of the effect it might have on the children.

They've just spent two weeks with their mother and her live-in boyfriend.

That's different,

that was thousands of miles away and they're medical professionals.

Don't be such a snob.

There you go again, changing the subject. And those don't go there, they go there.

You could help me with this, you know, give yourself a break,

take the weight off that high horse of yours.

Ooh, Jimmy, you'd better get a move on

if you're going to pick us up from the airport. Right, OK, sorry.

She had to come back just as I'd forgotten the sound of her voice.

I'll get these, mate, seeing as you're having a hard time.

Who says I'm having a hard time?

You. All morning. You haven't stopped.

Well, can you blame me?

She's barely set foot in the house and she's on my case, whoosh, like a fox homing in on a chicken.

Like a truck bearing down on a terrified rabbit.

Or a heat-seeking missile locking onto a fighter jet's afterburner.

Or a neurotoxin attacking the central nervous system.

See? Bobby gets it.

But you know the reason for this persecution?

All I did was let the house get in a bit of a mess

and I forgot to pick them up from the airport,

and they caught Siobhan half-naked cos I've let her stay over.

Which half?

And then to top it all, Molly's not talking to me.

So? She's a teenager. They're not meant to be chatty.

If you want chat, get a parrot.

Do you want my advice, Jimmy?

No.

Hi there. What can I get you?

Oh. It's all right, I'll wait for Bobby.

Oh, not this again.

I'm sorry, Siobhan, I don't like being served by my girlfriend.

It's weird. Well, I work here now, so get used to it.

Erm... Oh, just treat me like a normal barmaid and I will treat you like a normal punter.

All right, all right.

Get us a Coke, love, and hurry up. Wait your turn.

Molly around? She's upstairs.

Do you think she'd like a cup of tea?

Well, why don't you ask her?

My God, it's CSI: Suburbia.

Have you ID'd the victim?

It'll be you if you let the house get this messy again.

I tidied it this morning. That was a MAN tidy.

I've had to take the afternoon off work to do a proper tidy,

all the little things you missed, all the little things you can't see.

Well, if you can't see them, what's the point of tidying them up?

That's exactly the attitude that caused the Black Death.

What? It wiped out over a third of the population of Europe in the late 1340s.

Oh, sorry, Diana, you're not pinning that on me.

So, how was Africa?

You can read about it on my blog.

Or you could just tell me now.

It's amazing. Of course, there was lots of poverty and illness, but it was great,

everyone working really hard to make things better like, er, Comic Relief

but for real.

Wow. What, Ant and Dec there?

No. Do you know what? When I leave school, I am gonna be a doctor, like Howard.

You know it takes seven years of hard training?

All right, erm... Ooh, a surgical nurse, like Mum. That takes five years.

OK...

A hospital administrator.

That would be so great! That so would. Safe, Molly. It's gonna be

so totally wicked, though.

You're so lucky, Molly. I just wish I could do something like that.

Of course you can. Oh, quite the

little chatterbox now, aren't we, now we're with our friends?

..and I think you get a name badge.

What?! Erm, I just came to see if you needed anything.

A cup of tea, biscuit, some money?

No!

Ah! Dad, glad I caught you.

Listen, no pressure, but maybe we could fix a time for my slide show?

Your what? I've got some candid shots of an absolutely

fascinating Masai tribal ritual.

Erm, not tonight, Alex, OK?

I've got bigger things to worry about. Bigger than the Serengeti?

See, now you're interested.

No, not in the slightest.

Now, go and whittle a phallus.

What's up with Molly?

If she's not grunting, she's snapping at me.

What's next, a knee in the groin?

Do you want me to help? No, I want to know if you're behind it.

Don't be dense, Jimmy. It's you.

You upset her. What, she told you that?

No, but I have my ways.

Wait a minute, you've been reading her diary, haven't you?

Not as such.

Well, come on, then, what? Phone tapping, steaming open her mail?

A periscope? She's got a weblog.

Has she?

Oh, poor thing. Whereabouts?

It's an online diary.

Oh, yeah, I know that.

It's called a webble.

A blog.

Yeah, a blog. That's right. Yeah. How do you know Molly's got one?

Alex told me. Diana, I'm shocked.

That is a gross invasion of privacy.

Look, she's a teenager, she won't just offer things up.

You have to discover them for yourself. By spying?

I'd prefer to call it parenting by stealth.

I must say, Molly's very forthcoming.

She lists her likes and dislikes, her favourite teachers, TV programmes, bands,

and breeds of dog, strangely enough. I'm not interested.

Not even what she has to say about Siobhan staying over?

What she say? Well, have a look.

No, I'm not interested. Just a little peek? No.

It's a real eye-opener.

Diana, if I want to engage with

Molly, I'll do it in my own way, thank you.

Molly!

How was your day? Fine.

What you do? Can't remember.

What did you have for lunch? The usual.

Don't fancy a lift, then?

No.

Hello, Ellie.

Hello, Mr Venables.

This is fantastic!

It's just like being back on safari.

And there, on the horizon, we can see a herd

of hippos from year ten stampeding majestically toward the chip shop.

Get down from there! Sssh, Dad, you'll spook them.

I thought you were bringing Molly home from school.

How do you know I didn't? Because she came home ten minutes ago.

Oh, right. She must have walked off when I was coaxing Alex off the roof rack.

So glad to see you engaging with your children at last.

She wouldn't even get in the van.

What a pity. Molly, dear?

What?

I'm making home-made hamburgers for dinner

with red onions and crinkle-cut

chips, just like your mum makes.

Yeah? And, er, gherkins? Of course.

Cool! That's my favourite.

Really?

That's amazing(!) Oh, and I bought you the new Arcade Fire CD and this magazine about Dalmatians.

My favourite band and my favourite breed of dog.

Wow(!) How did you know(?)

Because I'm a wonderful grandmother.

Dinner will be ready in 27 minutes, your favourite number,

so run along and get changed.

OK. And, er, thanks, Gran.

Now, Jimmy, you sure you won't join the party?

Positive. The water's lovely. And polluted.

Oh, come on, take the weight off your high horse.

It's just a tool to get compliance.

You're like something out of George Orwell. Big Brother?

No, the pig in Animal Farm.

Alex... Eh? Don't you knock?

I could have been doing anything.

You weren't, though, were you?

No. Thank God. I need to look on your computer.

I knew it. You do want to see my holiday photos.

No, no, no, I need to look at Molly's blog. Sure you don't want to see my holiday photos?

Alex, I don't have time for this, I'm trying to take an interest in one of my children.

Fair enough. I'm going in.

There it is - "The Unfair Life of a Teenage Victim" by Cyber Girl X.

Well, how do you know that's Molly?

"My dad can be such a git sometimes." Yeah, that's Molly.

"He keeps picking me up from school in a crappy builder's

van that hasn't been washed

"since the Eighties and then he's surprised when I don't get in." Ah.

So that's the big problem.

"But that's not the big problem."

Oh. "There's also his girlfriend.

"Well, I say 'girl', but she's, like, really old.

"We go away for two weeks

and she's practically moved in."

"I don't mind him sleeping in Mum's bed, but her?"

I've got to talk to Molly about this. No, wait, Dad,

she's not gonna listen to you.

The way to a teenager's mind is through peer pressure.

Go on.

Look, you can post a comment or even go into a chat room, see? Oh, yeah.

There's a comment about you here from Tina G.

"Don't be too hard on your dad.

"Remember you can't polish a poo-poo."

Well, thanks a lot, Tina G.

Who does she think she is?

Actually, it's Gran. Gran?

Yeah. She set up an online identity as ice-skating Arctic Monkeys fan

Tina G.

How could she? Well, I think she felt... No, I meant how did she do it?

Oh, yeah. I helped her.

First, you've got to pick a name...

OK. How about...Sheila?

That's a bit old, Dad.

What about...

Emilee K with two Es at the end?

Three. Four. Done.

Oh, it's all right, Bobby's serving me.

Oh, is he? Yeah, yeah. Oh, you'll have a long wait, then. I don't mind.

Because he's on a day trip to Calais.

Just a Coke, please.

Hello, gorgeous. What a lovely smile.

You don't get many of them to the pound.

Excuse me, Kev, you're talking to my girlfriend. Not any more.

She belongs to the pub now, you know, like the juke box or the dartboard.

Or the pub weirdo.

..So what we doing tonight? Am I coming round to the house?

Oh, erm, I haven't decided.

Well, don't leave it too long or I might fall for this charmer.

Look, erm, it's a bit awkward at the moment, erm, you coming round to the house.

I think Molly's a bit upset about you staying over.

What, you "think"? Have you asked her about it? Not exactly, but I know. Well, how?

She keeps mentioning it on her blog.

Her blog? Oh, great(!) Well, what else has she said about me?

If I Google the words "slutty homewrecker", does my picture come up? No, no, no.

No, it's probably Angelina Jolie first.

Well, at least I know where I stand.

No, it's all right, I'm working on it.

Oh, well, I'm REALLY worried now.

So you've been reading my daughter's blog?

No.

By the way, I've washed the van.

"Hi. Anyone out there?

"Tina G? Emileeee K?

"It's pretty crap here tonight.

"No-one seems to understand me.

"No-one gives a stuff what I think."

"I care what you think, and I'm sure your gran does, too.

"You should confide in her more.

"She sounds well sensible...dude."

Oh, for God's sake.

"Don't listen to Tina G.

"Your gran sounds like an interfering old bat."

"Your dad's the man.

"I think he's much misunderstood."

"Innit."

"Innit."

"What you mean, 'misunderstood'?

"He's as deep as a puddle."

"Hear, hear.

"Innit." "Butt out, Tina G.

"I think your dad sounds great."

"GR8." Thanks.

"GR8."

DOOR BELL RINGS

Door! Can someone get that?

We're busy. So am I.

DOOR BELL RINGS AGAIN

Oh, she's logged off. Oh!

Never mind, there's still Tina G.

Remember, Dad, think street.

"Yo, Tina G,

"where you get off

"dissing Cyber Girl's dad?"

Oh, it's you.

Nice to see you've put some clothes on. He's in there.

Er, actually, I've come to see you.

Me? Mm-hm. Is there anywhere we can talk?

"Emileeee K, ya dirty ho.

"I'm gonna mash you up after school, for true."

I think that was uncalled for.

Don't take it personally, Dad. She doesn't know it's you.

Oh, you're right.

You know, I can say anything I want any way I want. Steady on, Dad!

Language!

You don't blame me, it's Emileeee K.

I see, young lady.

You want to play hardball, do you?

So, I hear you're upset about me staying the night here.

Actually, I couldn't care less. Actually, I know you could.

Well, I'm sorry,

it was supposed to be secret and a little bit naughty, not

public and massively humiliating.

You can thank your dad for that. Yep, it's always Dad's fault.

No need to be sarcastic. I wasn't.

It IS always Dad's fault.

He never thinks. Oh, he does think. Two or three times a day.

You must have heard the little hamster scuttling around its wheel.

How hard is it to pick someone up from the airport?

Well, he can't have his eye on the clock all the time. Or the calendar.

And when we do come home, we find he's completely messed up the house.

You see? He can be very thorough when he puts his mind to it.

Are you trying to defend him?

Well, I was, but he doesn't give me much to work with.

What were you doing in my mum's bed?

Would you believe me if I said I was waiting for a cup of tea?

Good God, where does Diana learn this stuff?

I don't even know what that word means.

Mmm, that's a zinger!

Whoo!

Right, we've got to think of something really nasty, something that's gonna really hit her hard.

OK, what about a "Yo, mama"?

A what? You know, insult her mother, like, erm,

"Your mama's so fat, she jumped in the air and got stuck."

Excellent!

Cos her mother WAS quite large.

"Actually, my mother had a thyroid problem."

"She was quite ill for some years.

"And whilst we're on the subject, YOUR mama

"was so illiterate she never taught you how to spell 'your mother'."

This street talk's thirsty work. I need a cup of tea.

OK, we've got to think of another one. Come on, think, think.

Hello, boys. Fancy a cup of tea?

Yeah, please.

How 'bout "Your mama's so ugly,

"whenever she goes into the bathroom she gets seven years' bad luck."

Yeah, put it in, put it in!

What are you doing?

Nothing!

We're just downloading some porn.

So, Emileeee K, we meet at last.

Listen, don't be too hard on your dad.

He may be an idiot, but he's a caring idiot.

Do you know he told me not to come round to the house any more

because it would upset you? Really?

He didn't need to do that.

Yeah, I know he didn't. That's why I ignored him.

Hang on, where is Dad getting this all from?

Where do you think? He read it on your blog.

Dad read my blog? Yeah.

Only cos your gran was doing it.

Gran's been reading my blog?

That's gross! It's private.

Yeah, it's so private you put it on the internet?

You've got to be careful. You don't know who's out there. I know that.

Wait till I tell Emileeee K and Tina G about this.

Reading your daughter's blog?

I only did it cos you've been doing it.

What a compelling argument(!) It's OK because we're both doing it.

I don't think Molly will see it that way. No.

No, she won't, will she, Diana?

Oh, you wouldn't. Oh, wouldn't I?

Look, I won't tell her if you won't.

OK, it's a deal.

I think you might be forgetting something.

Hm? I could tell her.

You will do nothing of the sort. Of course not, no.

IF you agree to look at all my photos of Africa.

OK. Yay! Slide show at seven.

You too, Gran.

The trouble with the Serengeti is that one part looks pretty much like another,

and because leopards are designed to blend in with the background,

I had to take Alex's word for it that they were actually there.

And the thing with digital photography is you never throw anything away

and you know some of those memory cards can hold up to a thousand pictures?

Kev?

Kev!

Sorry, boss, I was just watching this paint dry.

PHONE RINGS

Jimmy! Hello, Diana.

Listen, Molly's not home. I've just checked her blog and she says that she's going to a rave tonight.

A rave? Where? A field in Hampshire. I'll fill you in when you get home.

All right, I'll be right there.

Kev, I've gotta go. You're gonna have to finish that on your own. No problem, boss, leave it to me.

Eight, nine, ten.

It's quiet tonight.

Yep.

It reminds me of that night

we spent on the lodge on safari.

Great, weren't it? Mm. Do you want

to see my photos? No.

I was there, remember?

Oh.

Where's Dad and Gran? Don't know,

but Emileeee K and Tina G are learning a valuable lesson.

Eh? Don't believe everything you read on the internet.

Who's that?

That's a drunken farmhand coming home from the pub. How do you know?

It could be a member of an indie band or a roadie.

What's that?

That is a black bin liner hanging from a tree.

Or a drug dealer. Come on, let's go home.

Nonsense. This thing doesn't start till eleven o'clock. It said so in her blog.

It's gone midnight now.

We've been had, haven't we?

So, what time does this rave start, then?

I'm well up for this tonight. Have you brought some whistles?

If not, you can have one of mine. Come on!

# After you've gone

# And left me crying

# After you've gone

# There's no denying

# Some day when you grow lonely

# Your heart will break like mine and you'll want me only

# After you've gone

# After you've gone away. #

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk