Original subtitles

[ Woman ] Lights, camera, access.

[ Woman #2 ] Yes, it's true. The master of midday TV goes prime time.

Talk show host Dr. R.J. Stevens has popped the question to Bianca Kittles,

recent winner of Survivor: Kiribati.

- What's good, family? - The doctor's show, with his irreverent guests--

I've been banging your sister.

[ Screaming ] party-like atmosphere...

and his "Team of Me" philosophy--

- The team of who? - [ All ] Me!

Rely on yourself.

has gotten a significant ratings boost...

since news of his impending nuptials became public.

This is, no doubt, welcome news to the ultracompetitive, glammed-out Bianca.

The TV reality star used every asset she possessed...

to outwit, outplay and outlast the competition...

on her quest for the million bucks.

It's a Q-Ratings bonanza,

as these two couldn't be more perfectly matched.

Life is good for the good doctor.

Wow. That was fabulous. Access.

Honey, I'm so proud of you. Thank you.

You're such a star. Isn't he a star? [ Cheering ]

He is a superstar. Now that is how you announce your engagement.

That was genius. You're the talk of the town. [ Woman ] Hey, R.J.

Could you imagine this five years ago, bro?

[ Scoffs ] With a girl like that? Hell, no.

Hit show, big mansion on the block. Now I'm international.

You look great, by the way. Shoot, man.

That's all this tofu Bianca got me eatin'.

Besides the hunger pains, bein' a vegan is the shit.

Cheers. [ Bianca ] Honey.

Telephone.

Mmm. Huh? Huh? Get goin'.

[ Bianca ] That sounds wonderful.

I can't wait. Great.

Oh. Well, it's nice speaking to you.

Okay, hold on. It's your mom.

Hurry up. Talk. We still have guests. Hi.

You made it. Oh, my God. You look amazing.

Hey, Mama.

Well, hello, stranger.

We're just beginnin' to think you just forgot all about us.

No, Mama. I can't forget my number one girl.

[ Chuckles ] And I didn't forget your anniversary either.

I sent y'all a 50-inch plasma TV.

One inch for every year.

Aw. That's sweet, baby.

But we'd much rather meet "Blanca."

She sounds so nice. [ Chuckles ] Bianca, Mama. Not Blanca.

Oh, I'm sorry. I thought it was Blanca.

Well, baby, you know it's our 50th anniversary.

Mama, um, I don't think we're gonna be able to make it.

[ Gasps ] Uh, Jamaal--

you know, he's got this big, uh, soccer game.

The boy loves himself some soccer, Mama.

I know. He talks to Papa all the time.

- Jamaal and Daddy been talkin'? - Mm-hmm. And writin' letters.

Lord! You know, we haven't seen that child since he was a baby.

You've just got to come. Everybody's comin'.

We got Ellie and Cleavon.

- Clyde and Lucinda and-- - Lucinda?

Oh, yeah. Lucinda and Clyde?

Mm-hmm. They're comin' together?

I forgot to tell you. But I-- I thought--

[ Man ] That's a lot of questions, boy. Hey, Daddy.

Especially from someone who's shown very little interest in his family.

Yes, sir, but-- If you can find the time...

to explore the mind of a stripper...

or sisters gone wild with your so-called family,

then you can find the time to spend with your actual family.

So you've been watchin'. Boy,

don't disappoint your mother.

[ Sighs ]

[ Whistle Blows ] [ All Shouting ]

[ R.J. ] Go, Jamaal! There you go. There you go.

All right. Move. Push it.

Right there!

Way to go, Jamaal.

Stay with it, Jamaal.

Whoo-hoo. [ Chuckles ]

- [ Cheering ] - [ Whistle Blows ]

[ All Cheering ] All right. Take care. Tell Jamaal I said bye.

Jamaal, way to go.

Way to go. That's how you do that. Good going, guys! Yeah!

Whoo! That's my boy.

[ Chuckles ] That's my boy.

That's a lot of runnin'... for one goal.

But hey, at least you hit it. [ Chuckles ]

Dad, you should come more often. Hey. I'm here.

Dad, why don't you want to go to Dry Springs?

[ Groans ] Come on.

- Not you too. - Papa Jenkins says Dry Springs is awesome.

He said all my cousins will be there and I'd have a lot of fun.

Oh, really? What else do y'all talk about?

I don't know. School, my friends, soccer, global warming.

Global warming?

We talk about a lot of stuff.

He's really cool.

Can't we please go?

I'll think about it, Jamaal.

Oh. Talk it over with the boss first.

Boss? [ Chuckles ]

Son, men run things in a relationship.

And between us men,

never let a woman tell you what to do and how to do it.

Your dad's in complete control.

[ R.J. Screaming ] [ Bianca ] Who's in control?

[ Screaming ] Tell me. Who's in control?

- I don't know. - Take me home. You can do it.

Oh-- Come on.

Take me! Honey!

Come on, love! Mama!

- [ Deep Voice ] Yes! - Oh, shit.

- Push it. - What the hell are--

- Yes! - Oh!

Shah-mah-lahk-ahmmmm, mah-kah-lah-kah,

chuck-ching-chung-pow!

Oh. Speaking in tongues.

That's a first.

O.

I'm so proud of you. [ Kisses ]

I want to look hot for your family.

So now, time for my seven miles.

[ Treadmill Beeps, Whirs ]

Can you untie me first?

Baby.

Babe. Babe.

[ Sighs ] It's all done. I booked the tickets.

Honey, I'm hearing a tinge of doubt in your voice.

Oh, I'm a-- I'm cool.

You know, it's-- it'll be four days, then we get back to our lives.

Exactly.

This will solidify our union to the world.

We'll tape your parents' banquet, you make a heartfelt speech...

and the ratings-- Oh, my God.

[ Exhales Deeply ] Yeah.

"Country boy done good...

returns home with his Survivor queen."

[ Chuckles ] Hey. My-- My audience'll dig that.

See? That's why I love you.

Baby, I've dated all kinds of men.

Athletes, C.E.O.'s,

princes, bad boys,

attorneys, mob bosses-- No. No. I g-- I get it. I get that.

But...

I've never connected with any of them the way that I do with you.

R.J. Stevens.

"Team of Me."

[ Chuckles ]

Ooh. Your very words helped me win Survivor,

and they brought me right to you.

They did, didn't they? Uh-huh.

[ Chuckles ] See? We connect.

Yes. We're winners.

Mm-hmm. And you-- you're the man.

I am the man. Mm-hmm. Say it louder.

I'm the man. Say it louder.

I'm the man! Yeah!

♪ [ Hip-hop ]

♪ Ain't nobody dope as me ♪

♪ I'm dressed so fresh so clean ♪ ♪ So fresh, so clean, clean ♪

♪ Don't you think I'm so sexy I'm dressed so fresh so clean ♪

♪ So fresh and so clean, clean ♪

♪ Ain't nobody dope as me I'm dressed so fresh so clean ♪

♪ So fresh and so clean ♪ Honey, don't ruin your outfit.

Baby, men don't wear outfits.

What do you have in these bags anyway?

You went 39 days on a desert island with-- with a toothpick and a thong.

I need options.

Damn the options. I need room. [ Beeping ]

- I'd be happy to check that for you. - Hell, no.

Um--

I had some bad experiences.

I'll just... slip it in the captain's closet.

It's the safest place it could be.

Oh.

Let's get this party started. Uh, uh, uh.

I got you beet juice.

Come on, baby. I want to live a little. Precisely.

It's an excellent source of antioxidants. Your drink, sir.

Drink up. Enjoy.

[ Engines Whirring ] [ Intercom Beeps ]

- [ Woman ] Once we have reached a comfortable-- - Hey, Dad.

Yeah, Son? This is gonna be great.

Thanks. Anything for you, my man.

Fi-- [ Gasps ]

- [ Dog Whimpers ] - [ Woman ] And now we ask you to please...

relax, sit back and enjoy the flight.

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Georgia.

How does his bag get lost in a captain's closet?

- Explain that to me. - Yes, ma'am.

Where's your father? He won't come out of the bathroom.

[ Woman On P.A. ] The white zone is for immediate loading and unloading only.

Honey, how do the pants fit?

Flight 514 from Atlanta, your luggage will be at Carousel 2.

[ Chuckles, Clears Throat]

You mean to tell me this is the only pair of pants...

you could find in this country-ass airport?

I like it. Colors look fabulous on you.

Babe, I look like a clown.

Look-- Look at how tight these are. Look.

Ooh. I see that, tiger. [ Playful Growl ]

Come. Let's get the car. [ Clicks Tongue ]

[ Chuckles ]

[ Woman On P.A. ] Ladies and gentlemen, for your own safety and protection,

please do not leave your bags unattended.

Yeah. Huh.

[ Jamaal ] Wow. The whole weekend is planned.

There's a barbecue today, a softball game tomorrow,

a fish fry on Saturday.

Oh, look! An obstacle course race!

And the anniversary banquet's Sunday night.

Cool!

[ Chuckles ] Oh! Whoo-hoo, hoo, ho!

Nice ears, Dad!

[ Laughing ] Oh, man. Nice picture, Dad.

[ Laughing ] Oh, man.

♪ And you're all alone ♪

♪ In the dark ♪

♪ [ Fades ]

[ Horn Honks ] [ Man ] Hey, now.

How terribly quaint.

As if time stood still. Hmm.

It has. I told you don't nothin' ever happen around here.

♪ [ Car Stereo: Loud Hip-hop]

♪ [ Stereo: Man Rapping ] That shit was tight, right?

Whoo! Whoo!

Oh, damn.

Oh, my God, baby. You-- You get me so freakin' hot.

- [ Bianca ] Do you know them? - I don't know her, but that's my cousin Reggie.

You got your jewelry? You got your purse?

All right. 'Cause the boy could con Jesus.

♪ [ Continues ] Oh, no. Oh, no. That's him.

Oh, that's him. Ooh!

Here he come. Here he come.

My nigga Roscoe Steven Jenkins. Hollywood did came to town.

- [ Laughs ] What's up? - What's up, dog? Oh!

What up, Coz? What up, Coz? [ Shouting, Laughing ]

How you doin'? How you doin'? [ Laughing ]

Come on, man. Give it up. Man, what's happening?

Oh, man. Look at what you-- Uh, look. You got them picnic tablecloth pants on.

"Hey, Boo Boo. Let me get another picnic basket."

Uh-- I guess OutKast about to name their third member:

Little Roscoe 1000.

Yeah, well, don't be mad 'cause you ain't up on the style.

Ain't that right, baby? "Roscoe"?

- Why do you call him Roscoe? - That's his government name.

- Mm-hmm. - Oh, not into full disclosure. I see.

Okay. Welcome to the family.

- Oh. Thank you. - Lookee here. Lookee here.

First it was Survivor, now it's America's Next Top Model.

Oh, stop it. Really?

Oh, hell, yeah, really.

Oh, my God. I would drink your dishwater, bathwater-- all types of waters.

I'll drink all your waters. Boy, you do your thing. Hey, hey. Get-- Get off.

Hey. Stop it. Ow. Get off me.

Do your thing! Do your thing! Man, you do your thing. Get off me.

Why you keep checkin' my pockets, Reggie? Do your thing.

You need to get me out to L.A. Would you look here? Hi.

- Hi. - I'm Amy.

Yeah. Me and Amy friends, man. You know what I'm sayin'?

She been a real inspiration to me puttin' my new hip-hop album out. You know what I'm sayin'?

And my dad's company is financing it.

It's Pimp Nasty Records. Word.

Pimp Nasty? [ Laughs ]

So everything-- Hey, boy. What the--

Ah! What you doin'?

Get back. Yah! Get back.

Water rat. That's a water rat right there.

[ Shouts ] Get back. Get back. [ Shouts ]

It's okay, Fifi.

- [ R.J. ] Reggie, man. She's a dog, man. - It's Fiona.

Yo quiero Taco Bell. I didn't know what it was, man.

I thought it was a little fur coat with some feet or somethin' when it walked over here, boy.

[ Chuckling ] Man, Mama J. sent us down here to get some ice.

- And? - We're probably gonna need about 300.

$300? Yeah.

- For some ice? - For some ice.

You must think I'm a damn fool.

No, I know you ain't no damn fool.

You're standin' there with that beautiful lady right there. Look like you a lucky fool.

[ Chuckles ]

What? It's just $300, baby. Go on.

You're not cheap, baby. Yes, he is.

You don't know him like we-- He's tight. Yeah, he is.

It's only 300. That's it. 300.

For your family. Please?

Go on, baby.

For the family. Mm-hmm.

♪ [ Hip-hop ]

♪ Say what say-ay-ay-ay-ay ♪

♪ Do you want it on your collard greens ♪

♪ Do you want it on your candy sweets ♪ All right. Great to see you.

Papa? Huh?

They made it! Told you.

Well, come on.

Come on, baby.

[ Mama Jenkins Laughing ]

Oh, my baby's home!

Hey, Mama. How you doin'?

Well, well. Look who showed up--

my grandson's father, Dr. R.J. Stevens.

Been a long time, Dr. Stevens.

Dad, that's just a stage name. Yeah. I know.

- Jamaal, welcome back. - Thanks, Papa Jenkins.

Oh, and this is Blanca.

Pretty girl, Roscoe.

You must got some Indian in you, all that long, pretty hair.

Roscoe, you been eatin'?

You all skin and bone. Don't look like I never nourished you.

I know. Doesn't he look fabulous?

[ Man ] Yeah. He looks fabulous all right.

Downright metrosexual with them young-ass pants on.

Oh, no. You should have seen his ensemble before his little accident.

It was exquisite.

[ Laughs ] Are you kiddin'? Better than this?

What? I didn't say "outfit."

Got ya. Uh-huh. Pounced on you. Get-- Get off.

- Let me see how strong you are. - Otis.

Yeah. [ Laughs ] Just like old times again.

Lord, Otis.

Do it. Get out of it. Mama!

Otis. Otis. Let's see what you got.

Get off me, O. Yeah. Go ahead. Do. I want you to.

Boy, introduce me. That's rude.

I--

[ Chuckles ] Bianca,

this is my country, neck-bone-eatin' brother, Otis.

The sheriff.

Southern hospitality at your service.

Get up off that.

This here is Ruthie. Hi.

- And that's my baby she carryin'. - Wow, Ruthie.

- You look like you're about to pop. - No, I'm just six months.

But I bet y'all will be loadin' up soon, huh?

Oh, God, no. Nothing's wreckin' this figure.

- Hmm. - At least not right now.

Uh, Jamaal. Uh, say hello.

Are you really the sheriff?

Mm-hmm. To serve and protect.

And occasionally whup ass.

Meet your cousins. Junior. Callie.

Ah, damn! [ Laughing ]

What they on? All steroids and no carbs?

Them some thick-ass kids!

- No, I'm serious. Mama, them is thick-ass. - Oh, no.

Like, to be 12-- Them some thick-ass--

Respect. Respect.

This here is your Cousin Jamaal.

Get him a bat, and get him some battin' practice.

And, Callie, go easy on him.

[ Spits ] You got it, Daddy.

- Huh? - Come on, Son.

You and Granddad will take 'em on together.

You play baseball, don't you? All right--

Well, Blanca, you want to come in the house and freshen up?

And, Roscoe, you get the bags and just take 'em up to your room.

Okay. And, baby,

please find some clothes that fit.

You got all your business in the street.

Mmm!

Oh, God. It's good to see you, man.

- Little help with the bags, O.? - Man, I ain't no bellhop.

Plus, I ain't had my... steroids today.

[ Laughs ] I got you.

Southern hospitality. Yeah, right. [ Scoffs ]

Oh, and next time you grabbin' on people, wear some deodorant.

Little fake-ass Conan.

Oh, shit! Mama! Mama!

Come here, boy. All-state linebacker. Look at that speed.

Mama! Just leave me alone, O.! Leave me alone! [ Laughing ]

[ Laughing, Chattering ]

[ Mama Jenkins ] Oh, I haven't had so many people in the kitchen since I don't know when.

Oh, oh, oh! You a bad bitch!

Oh! O!

Wait a minute, girl. I'm-- I'm serious. I'm serious. You bad!

You are the baddest bitch Survivor ever had.

Soon to be my sister-in-law, up in my kitchen, girl. I'm honored.

Thank you. All right. Now tell me the truth, okay?

Tell me the truth, 'cause it's you and me. We relatin'. [ Fiona Whimpers ]

Can that hook-head handle you? 'Cause, see, we a lot alike, Binaca.

'Cause we too much woman for one man. You feel me?

Betty, let the child breathe. Now, is the tea ready?

It's right here, Mama. Binaca, you got to try my tea, girl.

I'm telling you right now. This tea right here ain't no joke, Balolo. Best in the county.

- It's Bianca. - That's what I said.

And I'd love to. Cheers.

Aaah! [ Groans ]

God, that's liquid diabetes. You drink that?

- [ Groans ] - No, no. No, no. Wait a minute now, baby.

Don't get all uppity, okay? 'Cause I'm gonna let you know, the brothers down at the pen,

they rave about my sweet tea every Sunday at my Bible readin'.

It ain't the sweet tea. It's them short skirts you be wearin'.

I'm just doin' my part, tryin' to be a good Christian.

And if them brothers need to get a peek at this thong...

to get 'em through them long, lonely nights,

then, Father God and all the heavens up above and the Episcopals,

so be it!

Girl, don't make me sick. You know I'm pregnant.

Thank you. Betty, your thong is an image I do not need.

- Ditto. [ Chuckles ] - [ Imitates Chuckle ]

Wait a minute. Now, see, we're tryin' to bond with you and everything,

welcome you in, but you're gettin' it twisted.

You're gettin' me twisted. But don't get it twisted.

This kitchen here is my domain.

My domain. This ain't no kennel.

And this lab rat got to go. Got to go.

Do you hear me? Am I clear? I bites dogs. [ Growls ]

[ Fiona Whimpers ] Know who I am. Okay?

Now ditto that.

Yeah. Hello? [ Woman ] Yes, sir.

Yeah. Wh-What is your name? Patricia.

Luqueesha? Look here, Luqueesha. Somebody--

Sir, could you please hold? Yeah, I'll hold.

[ Faint Chattering ]

[ Dog Whimpers ]

[ Panting]

Bucky?

You done messed around and got old, huh, Bucky?

You still alive? [ Snorts ]

Yeah, you used to terrorize me when I was little.

I don't play that now, man. I'm a grown man.

- Look at me when I'm talkin' to you. - [ Murmurs ]

I should kick you in your ass right now, Bucky. Yeah.

When you bit my ankle, I should have-- Hello, Dr. Stevens?

[ R.J. ] Yeah. Excuse me.

- We found your bag. - Well, all right. Well, that's more like it.

We just need an address. Mm-hmm. [ Groans ]

Get off me, you crazy dog!

What the hell?

You gonna stay inside all day, Dr. Stevens?

N-No, sir. Daddy, you don't have to call me that.

Just don't want to offend the star.

Offend me? Hey-Hey, Daddy.

How-- How come you never opened this plasma?

I don't need a skinny TV.

That console's been there since 1977. Good picture.

Daddy, this is a high-def flat screen.

Football on Sundays, them hits'll be like boom!

Make you feel like you're really there.

I am really gonna be there.

Your cousin Clyde gave me season tickets.

See that picture?

That's his third dealership.

Man, that Clyde is somethin' special.

Yeah. Clyde's special.

[ Papa Jenkins ] I gotta get outside.

I'm grooming the next Jackie Robinson: my grandson.

♪ [ Humming ]

Reg. Huh?

That don't look like 300 dollars' worth of ice. It's hot down here, man.

Half of it melted before you even got down. I'm tellin' you. The bag was--

[ Stammers ] It's hot down-- Ask anybody about the heat, 'Scoe.

I ain't gonna lie about none of that. Man, whatever.

- Hey, O. - Yo.

How old is crazy-ass Bucky? Shouldn't he be dead by now?

Oh, Bucky at least 25 now.

Yeah. Yeah, that dog is old, boy. Are you serious?

That's 175 people years.

And he's still a little player. I'm tellin' you. You better watch little Fiona around here.

He gonna hit her in the one that stink and not the one that wink.

He good at scoopin' up behind you. [ Pants, Whimpers ]

So, um,

did I hear Clyde was comin' with Lucinda?

Mm-hmm. Should be here any minute now. [ Chuckles ]

- I thought she was engaged. - Mm-mmm.

That ended a while ago, baby-bruh. Yeah. No, no.

She moved to Atlanta, and that smooth nigga Clyde supposed to be hollerin' at her again.

What you mean "again"? He ain't never been with her. Never.

Ooh, lookee here. Little Hollywood man. Ooh.

"He's never been with her. Never." "Never."

What, you look like you're tryin' to throw your hat in the ring.

No, I'm just settin' the record straight, bubblehead.

Set the record straight on this.

[ Reggie ] Whoo! Now--

Good God almighty, I smell them funky ribs.

- Yeah, baby. They're good. Here, baby-bruh. - Whoo.

I need your discriminate tongue to let me know if I'm still on track.

You know how I gets down.

Get him some bread and a Pepsi right now. No, no. I'm cool.

I'm-- I'm gonna wait on the chicken. Skinless.

Why? Are you Muslim now? Yeah, what the hell?

You a Five Percenter? Nah.

I just adopted a low-fat, high-fiber diet. [ Groans ]

Bianca and I--

"Bianca and I"-- I know what it is. The black Paris Hilton done sissified you off the pig.

- That's what's up. - It ain't like that, O.

Bullshit! You on that Hollywood shit. Nigga, please.

Give me-- Let me see that. You see this swine...

is fine, divine, sublime and right...

on time. On time.

Man! Look at that.

Want some of this dippin' sauce, baby? Yeah. Go on.

Taste a little piece. Don't be scared. You got on the Kwanzaa outfit now.

Get down, like you live. Go ahead and taste a piece of that.

- Go on, man. - How about a piece, Nelson Mandela?

- Stop bein' so scary, man. - Farrakhan ain't nowhere around here. Man.

- Give him some, man. - Come on. Uh, uh,

The-The Last King from Scotland look, with the Forest Whitaker eye.

Look. Put a little barbecue sauce on the dead eye.

It might jump up out of there.

[ Otis ] Boy, you crazy. [ Reggie Chattering ]

Whoo, yes indeed, that's gonna be good!

Stir that up for me, Bilante.

Now, in episode 11, did you have to pull your titties out?

I had to have that chocolate cake.

But you threw it up-- on purpose.

Whether on Survivor or in life, I believe in winning at all costs.

That's why R.J. and I are perfectly matched.

Girl, you tripping.

- You better mind out, Betty. - Come on now, Mama.

Roscoe and winnin' don't even go in the same sentence.

Only Clyde gets that distinction.

- Who's Clyde? - Ooh. I'm glad you asked.

Clyde is our cousin. He came to live with us once his folks went on to glory.

They became famous and left their child behind?

Bitch, are you crazy? They was in a car accident. They dead. Goddamn.

[ Gasps ] Oh! Anyway,

now, Roscoe and Clyde was fierce rivals.

Though "rival" is not quite accurate,

'cause Clyde used to whup Roscoe's tail in everything.

I don't know about everything now, Betty.

Everything, Mama!

Basketball. [ Clyde ] Game.

[ Betty ] Checkers.

King me.

[ Betty ] Chess. [ Clyde ] Checkmate.

[ Betty ] Arm wrestlin'. [ Groans ]

Oops. That was me.

You're telling me R.J. never won. Never.

That is, of course, until the obstacle course in 1985.

- Obstacle course? - Yep. It's a Jenkins family tradition.

[ Papa Jenkins ] Have fun now. [ Boy ] Yeah.

Clyde, Roscoe, we got our eyes on you.

[ Betty ] Clyde and Roscoe made a bet that the winner would get to ask...

Lucinda Allen to the spring formal.

And who is Lucinda Allen?

[ Betty ] Only the most popular Southern belle to ever come out of these parts.

- The spring formal queen that year. - [ Bianca ] So what happened?

Girl, your man took off like a house afire.

- ♪ I'll take you down I'll take you down ♪ - Come on!

[ Betty ] He moved through that obstacle course faster than a runaway slave. D-D-D-Doin' it.

♪ If you want more ♪

♪ If you want more, more, more then jump ♪

[ Betty ] Now, see, Clyde was right there with his skinny ass, baby, neck and neck.

He was tryin' to hold on until the end.

- But old Roscoe-- - Come on!

Old Roscoe broke that tape, baby.

He smiled so hard, I thought his cheeks would burst.

Yes! Whoo-hoo! [ Cheering ]

♪ My kisses in the night ♪ Yes! I won!

[ Betty ] I ain't never seen Mama and Daddy so proud as that day.

Aw.

Now, all Roscoe had to do was claim the real prize.

Lucinda. Hey.

Will you go to the spring formal with me?

Oh, Roscoe, how sweet, but... Clyde just asked me.

Come on, Lucinda. Let's get a strawberry soda. My treat.

Okay. Bye, Roscoe. Great race.

Bye. [ Betty ] I felt bad for the boy.

Nobody knew about the bet,

so Clyde just beat him to the punch.

♪ Though I tried to resist ♪ [ Betty ] Clyde and Lucinda...

danced all night long, lookin' like eternal lovers. ♪ Being last on your list ♪

And Roscoe looked like a hot mess.

And his date wasn't much better.

- ♪ So I'm saving all my love♪ - [ Betty ] Lord! Jesus!

♪ Yes, I'm saving all my love♪

But in typical Roscoe fashion, he snitched. But that mess backfired.

Lucinda is a young lady,

not some trophy you can win.

I'm very disappointed in you.

- But what about Clyde? - Clyde will be dealt with.

Now, drop your britches and bend over.

[ Gulps ]

Yipes!

[ Betty ] But that Clyde-- ooh, girl, he is a smooth operator.

All right. What have you got to say for yourself?

I let Roscoe win.

It meant more to him to beat me,

and it meant more to me to go out with Lucinda.

She's so beautiful.

I know you're disappointed.

And if my parents were alive, they'd be disappointed too.

But you're the only parent I got, Papa Jenkins.

So you do what you think is right.

I'll understand.

Don't you ever let something like this ever happen again.

[ Whispers ] What?

You understand?

Yes, sir.

[ Betty ] He went upstairs and cried like a baby.

Now, how you know Roscoe was cryin'?

[ Wailing ]

[ Betty ] Because all his hollerin' woke me up from a sound sleep.

So, are they still an item?

[ Betty ] They dated a while, but, you know,

the queen is too pure for the likes of Clyde.

He needs a real woman.

- Betty, y'all cousins. - Whatever.

Now, the point is, Roscoe ain't been the same...

since Clyde stole Miss Lucinda.

I think they call that evolution.

R.J.'s clearly over any childhood crush.

[ Betty ] Really? Really.

Well, where do you think that "Team of Me" mess started?

Uh-huh.

All right, Betty. That is enough.

Okay, Mama, but I'm just sayin'--

Come on in this house before I pop you.

[ Betty ] Now somebody help that white girl.

She gettin' eggshells in the tater salad. Help her.

[ Mama Jenkins ] Always runnin' your mouth. You talk too much.

[ Betty ] Don't nobody want no crunchy-ass potato salad.

And you put vinegar on these? Yeah.

You've gotta market these, O. [ Gasps ]

R.J.

- Huh? - What the hell are you eating?

I'm not eatin', baby. I'm tastin'.

These soy ribs.

You want some? [ Groans ] Forget it, carnivore.

Why don't you tell me about Lucinda Allen?

Oh. Oh, shit. Lucinda Allen?

- That was a bad one right there. - Well, see, I--

[ Betty Screaming ] Baby, she's just--

Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Hey! Clyde's here now!

♪ [ R & B ]

♪ You've made me happy ♪ ♪ [ Humming, Chuckling ]

♪ This you can bet ♪

♪ You stood right beside me Yeah ♪

Let-Let me introduce you. ♪ And I won't forget ♪

[ Clyde ] What's up, family?

[ Betty ] Ah! Hey, Betty.

Girl, look at you. Look at you. [ Otis ] Clyde.

What's up, O.? What's up, big law? Yeah.

I see you ain't gettin' no bigger. Look at you, boy.

[ Otis ] Lucinda, what's up, baby? Ah! Hi.

Good seein' you, baby. Look at you, boy. Look. You sure you're our relative?

[ Chuckles ] Little Mexican.

I got a little somethin' for everybody.

I stopped to pick up some red velvet cakes for the picnic.

[ Gasps ] From Cooter's Bakery in Tuscaloosa? Yeah.

Well, you only get one golden anniversary, Mama J. Oh!

[ Squealing ]

Hey! Hey now. Uh-oh. There he is. What's up, Papa J?

How you doin'? Is the fountain of youth around here somewhere,

or you been takin' that Viagra? You better watch it.

Seen 'Cinda? Lucinda.

I'm so glad to see you. Welcome home. Oh, oh.

Now there's nostalgia for you right there.

Family spirit award goes to Roscoe.

Cross Colour Jones. Look at you, boy.

Still wearin' Otis's hand-me-downs. Come here, man.

[ Laughing ] Well, the airlines lost my bags.

Uh, what's your excuse?

[ Chuckles ] Man-- Hey, man. This is that Tiger Hoods, man.

You know me. I get my nine holes in. Mmm!

- Roscoe Jenkins. [ Chuckles ] - Oh! Whoa!

- Oh, it's been ages. - Oh!

[ Lucinda ] Oh, wow. It's been so long.

[ Bianca Clears Throat ] Oh.

Um-- [ Chuckles ] Clyde, Lucinda,

this is my fiancée-- uh, my fiancée, uh--

- Bianca. - Bianca Kittles.

Bianca! How you doin'? Sweeter than Skittles.

Girl, you prettier in person. Is that so?

You find somebody who say different, see if I don't slap 'em to sleep.

And I don't even get violent. It's my pleasure, Bianca.

Wow. Congratulations, you two.

The pleasure's mine. [ Chuckles ]

[ Whispers ]

And, Lord, we thank you for the pork ribs. [ Man ] Yes.

As well as, yes, the coleslaw and--

I hear what you're sayin'. Look. I gotta go. Lord, the black-eyed peas.

Thank you. And we thank you for the sweet potato pie...

and, yes, for the scrumptious red velvet cakes from Cooter's.

All right. We thank you, Lord. And they all did say--

[ All ] Amen.

We thank you for that beautiful benediction.

You mean long. Otis.

Mama and I are just filled with joy...

so many friends and family have joined us on this very special occasion.

This woman has put up with me for five decades,

and I love her now more than ever.

Thank you, baby. [ Woman ] Aw.

[ Man ] Papa J. Hear, hear now.

- [ Betty ] Clyde, you try some of this corn, baby? - Mm-hmm.

And don't you forget these rolls, 'cause I made 'em with you in mind.

You butter the biscuits? You know I did.

[ Otis ] Hey, uh, Betty. Betty. What?

He's your cousin, not a potential tip.

You know what, Otis? Okay. Shut up.

Now, I'm just glad to see him. That's all. And-And-- Okay. You too, queenie.

Uh, thank you, Betty. Mm-hmm.

So, Lucinda, I hear you two were high school sweethearts.

Oh, well, that was a long time ago.

Yeah.

But you never forget your first love. Ain't that right, 'Cinda?

[ Scoffs ] [ Lucinda ] Yeah. I guess not.

Look at her. Just as beautiful as ever.

You know, I'm gonna leave some of these hood rats alone...

and get real serious about makin' this girl Mrs. Stubbs.

You know, matter of fact, Otis, get me a broom right now. Go ahead now?

I'm gonna jump! Mazel tov!

You know what I'm talkin' about, O.?

Don't believe this one, okay? He's more interested in jumpin' bones than jumpin' brooms.

Ooh! [ All Murmuring ]

Best of luck to the both of you. You make a great couple.

Bullshit! [ Clears Throat ]

- Betty! - [ Chuckles ]

Excuse me, y'all. I had a piece of celery stuck in my throat.

- [ Clyde ] Well, you know, I admit it. I like to play. - [ Mouthing Words ]

But, uh, after I get me a couple of more dealerships,

I will be king of the South...

who will need his queen. [ Chuckles ]

Well, my king has a surprise.

R.J.'s having a professional camera crew...

film the anniversary banquet!

- Tell 'em, honey! - [ Woman ] Oh, very sweet.

Go ahead. Uh--

Like my baby said, it was supposed to be a surprise.

Uh, a gift, really. You know, uh, no big deal.

Just a-- Uh, just a little somethin', uh, special for y'all.

- That's so sweet. - Wait a minute. Hold up.

Nigga, you got some cameras hid around? You brought some cameras?

Reggie. You got that shit hidden around her?

Oh, y'all seen his show.

Roscoe be jumpin' out of bushes on little midgets. [ Mama Jenkins ] Midgets?

[ All Laughing ] Neglected albino children.

Al-Qaeda leaders.

♪ [ Chanting ]

[ Chanting ] Rice. Chicken kebab. Chicken falafel.

- ♪ [ Chanting ] - Boy, you crazy.

I'm tellin' you. They be scattering like roaches, like Cops.

You gonna win a Emmy, and I'm votin' for you.

Remember, Son.

This is a family celebration, not some Hollywood production.

Yes, sir.

Oh, hell, it'll be all right, Papa .

I'm sure Roscoe gonna do the right thing.

I'm just glad to see your baby boy back gracin' us with his presence.

[ Chuckles ] Done good, 'Scoe.

Got a outstanding career,

beautiful fiancée, great son.

You finally winnin', man.

Don't even matter that you could never beat me at nothin'.

Oh, oh, oh, oh, shit.

That's the button. [ R.J. ] What you tryin' to do, Clyde?

I'm tryin' my best to be a better man.

And you tryin' to drag me into a penis-swinging contest?

- That definitely ain't no contest. - [ Laughing ]

You're a sad man, Clyde.

Your competitive edge imprisons you.

Feel good for what you've done,

not for what you haven't.

The one loss you suffered at my hands is still a burden to you.

Get over it. I have.

That's the Team of Me.

Oh.

That's right, baby.

Oh. And, uh, just for the record,

I'll beat you again-- and worse.

[ Clyde ] Is that right?

Care to make it interesting? Little wager perhaps?

For what? You'd just find a way to renege again, "renigga."

[ Mama Jenkins ] Oh! Shit.

I ain't never reneged on no bet.

- You're a damn liar! - Oh, this is gettin' hot.

You know damn well what the hell I'm talkin' about.

You're a sore loser, and you stole what was mine.

The lemonade is good, Mama.

There it is. That bitch done made you tough, Roscoe.

You hungry as shit, but that bitch done made you tough.

[ Door Closes ] [ R.J. ] What is wrong with you?

[ Bianca ] I can't believe you're still pining after the prom queen.

- We only said three words to each other. - Forty words.

And that Clyde-- he's a smug son of a bitch.

No wonder he's a car salesman. He's slick and unethical.

Why the hell did you tell everybody about the camera crew?

They were gonna see them anyway. And besides, we were losing ground. I had to make a move.

Bianca, this is not Survivor.

Oh, yes, it is.

Look, babe, baby, baby. Listen. Listen.

[ Exhales ] Let's not fight, okay? I'm sorry.

Lucinda was just a crush, but I moved on.

So you're over her? How can I not be, with you as my lady?

Hmm.

Oh.

Yeah. That's what I'm talkin' about. Yeah.

Oh, baby, all the time I spent here,

I never got a little piece of nothin'.

No way.

These walls are way too thin. And plus, your family listens.

That's ridiculous.

Look. I want to speak in tongues. Shamma-lamma.

Nope. Forget it.

Damn!

Think you so damn special.

I sent a plasma, you bought cake. Nigro, please.

Hey, Roscoe. I didn't know you were still up.

Hey, Lucinda. How you doin'?

I'm great. Who you talkin' to?

No-- Nobody. Well,

actually, myself.

I do that. You know, just practicin' for the show.

You know, keep it fresh, you know? Okay. I see.

Can you take a break?

- Damn. - [ Chuckles ]

This cake is scrumptious. I knew you'd like it.

So, you said your publicist introduced you. Yeah. Well--

Yeah. We--

We had her on the show after she won,

and, uh, we just sorta connected, you know?

Wow. So how do she and Jamaal get along?

Real good. [ Chuckles ] You know, um,

she got him eatin' right.

Maternal stuff. He's a great kid.

Oh, thank you. Um--

So, you and Clyde-- Oh. Mm-mmm. No.

He was a familiar face when I moved to Atlanta.

He's sweet, but your cousin's a player. Mmm.

What happened to your engagement? Wasn't there some guy?

Are you keepin' tabs on me, Roscoe Jenkins?

Oh, no, no. I-- I heard things.

You know, look at my ears. You know, I heard. I heard it.

- You know I heard it. - [ Laughing ]

Oh. What did you hear, huh?

That I went to school to find a husband, right?

See? Yeah, I did. I got engaged early.

I had the vision of having a two-income household,

three kids before 30, Sunday brunch with my homegirls.

Sounds good to me. Don't it, though?

But the student loans never go away,

you're still broke after grad school,

and he didn't want kids.

Ever.

So, dream deferred.

I feel you.

Me and Jamaal's mom was a disaster.

[ Sighs ] I wasn't ready to be a parent neither.

But he's my son.

Spoken like a true Jenkins man.

- You need to finish that cake. - [ Gasps, Snickers ]

- 'Cause if I don't watch this figure, who will? - I could think of some takers.

Me too. Sign me up for that booty duty!

Hey, Reggie. We were just saying good night.

Oh, no. Don't let me interrupt. Don't let me interrupt.

Don't let him interrupt. Oh, no, no, n. It's okay.

I need to go home and see my parents.

And I'll talk to you guys tomorrow. Okay?

Good night. Good night.

[ Door Opens ]

Tell the truth.

You got a woody, don't you?

Fool, if I had a woody, I'd flip this table over. We was just catchin' up.

Your daddy don't want that plasma you bought.

Just telling you that right now. And it's a damn shame that it's just goin' to waste like that.

Just a TV. Just sittin' there, ain't gonna do nothin', man.

There's so many poor people out here that need--

Would you like that-- that plasma, Reggie?

I-- Boy, I ain't lyin'. I could use it.

- No, would you like to have it? - Yeah. I'm gonna get it and freak it.

- I'm gonna have it right. - Not gonna happen.

Just tight. That's--

[ Whooping, Squeals ]

Hey, Lone Ranger. It's time to saddle up. [ Slaps ]

Uh-oh. Gotta go.

Hi-yo Silver.

Off to the A.T.M. machine.

Giddyap. Hyah! Giddyap.

[ Amy Laughing ]

It's gonna be a long weekend.

[ Birds Chirping ] [ Rooster Crows ]

[ Mosquito Buzzing ] [ Blows ]

♪ [ Hip-hop ]

♪ Hit me ♪

♪ Hit me ♪ ♪ Missy be puttin' it down ♪

♪ I'm the hottest round I told y'all mothers ♪

♪ Ooh ♪ ♪ Y'all can't stop me now Get your freak on ♪

♪ Get your freak on Get your freak on Get your freak on ♪

♪ Is you with me now then biggie, biggie bounce ♪

♪ I know you dig the way I sw-- sw-- switch my style ♪

♪ Holla ♪

♪ Get your freak on Quiet ♪

[ Farts ] Excu-- Excuse me.

[ Farts ] Oh. Excuse.

Baby, my downward dog is fine.

Your alignment's off.

Watch me.

[ Inhales ]

[ Exhales ]

Damn, you are flexible!

- Good morning, Reggie. - Good mornin' to you. What's up, 'Scoe?

What the fuck you lookin' at, Reggie?

You wanna glue your eyes back into your head now?

My fault. I didn't mean to look, but I was just checkin' out the pose.

- Hey. - That is nice. That's hot. That is so hot.

Can I help you with somethin', Reggie?

- Oh, your bag is here. - You couldn't just say that from Jump Street?

I was distracted 'cause it looked like somebody hit you in the face with a sack of nickels.

Well, maybe a foot in your ass will help you focus, huh?

Maybe a slice of red velvet cake'll help you focus.

Man, get your look and move on. One look.

[ Sighs ]

- And down. - That's it. One. One.

- One more. One more. One time. - That's it. Move on.

Oh, my God. Damn, 'Scoe.

Namasté. Oh! Hey.

Reggie's got a Frank Aaron jersey too, baby.

That's Hank, baby. And mine is a limited edition.

Reggie wouldn't even know where to look for one.

Oh, it's your world, player. I'm just a squirrel tryin' to get a nut.

If you know what I mean.

[ Whimpers ] [ Reggie ] Mmm.

Man, you need to get her pregnant soon. [ Kisses ] Come on, Bucky. Let's go.

[ Growls, Murmurs ]

Oh, my God. Did you see that?

Yeah. That's my jersey, ain't it?

Come on, Jamaal. I don't think I'm cut out for softball.

Don't be such a girl about it.

Jamaal, forget all that. You're a natural.

Plus, this was your dad's sport.

All right? The main thing is to relax and keep cool.

Just like your dad.

[ R.J. ] Come on. We got 'em.

We got 'em. Come on. We got 'em. We got 'em.

- [ Clyde ] You're out, sucker. - Damn it.

Good throw, Betty. How could this fool steal everything but third?

'Cause I got a cannon in this arm, boy. A-Rod ain't stealin' on me.

Damn, I'm a thief. I don't never get caught stealin'.

- Can't steal third, brother. Not around here. - My-- My shirt.

Go home, man. Yeah, my fault. This ain't authentic, is it?

Yeah. [ Chuckles ]

Where does that child think she is?

I don't know, but I bet that come with paint remover.

[ Mama Jenkins Laughs ] God!

[ R.J. ] Jamaal, widen your stance, Son.

Keep your eye on the ball. Choke up on the bat.

Focus. Okay.

Do what your father told you, okay? Now, don't be scared of Callie.

I know she's big. We're all big.

- That's why you in question. - [ R.J. ] Jamaal, focus.

[ Papa Jenkins ] All right. It's 0 and 2. Come on, Jamaal.

- Strike three. - [ Mama Jenkins ] That's all right, baby.

- That's a good try. - [ Groans ] God, this kid is pathetic.

- [ Mama Jenkins ] Made your grandma proud. - [ Papa ] Good try, Jamaal.

N-No, it wasn't, Daddy. What is he, Roscoe? One of them meatless people?

Is he one of them vegans or "vogans," whatever? You need to feed that child, Roscoe.

That's what's wrong with him. You ain't givin' him--

[ Gasps ]

Good one, Callie.

I can't understand, and he's dumb in the brain.

[ Mama Jenkins ] Come on, Roscoe. Hit one for Mama.

All I need you to do is make contact.

- I got this. - You got a strikeout comin' if you ain't careful.

Youse got a strikeout comin' if you ain't careful.

Boy, youse g--

[ Otis ] Y'all don't take the smile for a weakness all the time, okay?

- I never thought that. - Y'all think I'm weak or somethin'.

No, I don't think you're weak. I thought you was Uncle Ben. Okay. Don't. Okay--

Hey--

Take a seat. Let me get this right here.

All right. That's what I'm talkin' about now. Let the games begin.

- Come on, baby. - [ Blows ]

What the hell you think you're doin', Clyde?

I'm about to strike you out, player.

I've got a narrow strike zone, boy.

Oh, that's all right, Papa J. Anything wider than Roscoe's head would be unfair.

[ All Laugh ]

Everybody sit down. Have a seat. Take a load off.

Get comfortable. Don't worry about it. Bring La-Z-Boys out here or somethin'.

Come on, boy. I got this right here.

What's up, 'Scoe?

You ready? You want to be in the big time?

- Here we go. Yeah. - [ Betty ] Right here, baby.

Strike!

[ Shudders ] That's better than air-conditioning right there, boy.

[ Blows ]

Feel that breeze? [ Laughs ]

Come on, Roscoe. They're just talkin' smack, baby.

You can do it, baby.

Focus, R.J.! Come on! Get a hit!

Whoa. "Focus, R.J."

All right. Everybody good?

Betty. Oh, hey. Give me-- Give me a little somethin'. Okay.

Okay. I got you. Good to go.

All right. Cool, cool, cool.

Right here.

Crush it! Kill it!

- [ Groans ] - Ooh!

- [ Otis Screams ] You done hit my mama! - Mama!

Mama J.!

[ Mama Jenkins ] Oh, Jesus.

[ Reggie ] That done knocked the wig off and everything. Damn.

[ R.J. ] Get off me about it right now. Really? Get off you about it?

Yeah. Okay? Stop sweatin' me about it.

But I was tryin' to tell you wait on the flutter ball.

You up there swingin' like Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon.

Now my mama got a red titty on her head.

She's my mama too, O. We don't know that. You could be adopted.

I gotta get the fish. Meet me at Monty's. Can you do that?

Mama, I'm sorry. Really sorry, Mama.

I know, baby. Mama'll be all right.

I was tryin' to hit it out of the park. I didn't know it was goin' that way.

I'm gettin' my headache, baby. Be quiet.

- Daddy-- - Son, we all make mistakes.

We just have to learn from them.

Though I don't know what you learn by giving your mama a concussion.

[ Laughs ] [ Man ] Hey, Big O.

[ Scoffs ] I don't know how you take it down here, O.

Man, you was the best linebacker in the state.

If it wasn't for your knee injury, shoot.

Man, you'd be in the NFL, livin' in a mansion, drivin' a Benz.

[ Chuckles ] Yeah, that's good, man,

but, you know, it wasn't in God's plans for me.

God's plan is cool, but you needed the "Me" plan.

Oh, man. Stop talkin' that bullshit. I ain't no failure. I'm a king.

I got a great family. I live in a great community that I love and that loves me back.

- [ Chuckles ] You the failure. - How do you figure that?

I made it. Oh, why? 'Cause you got some money?

'Cause you're on TV? What else you got to show for it?

Everything I ain't have growin' up.

What you ain't have that was that important?

And why don't Jamaal know how to play baseball?

You used to love to play, and you was halfway decent.

Man, I ain't got time for all that.

Besides, Jamaal only loves soccer. [ Chuckles ]

I think Jamaal would love whatever sport his father showed interest in.

[ Scoffs ] Oh, so you're a parenting expert now?

[ Scoffs ] Man, all I'm sayin' is...

don't let money raise your kids.

Well, don't let corn bread and chitlins raise yours.

What you lookin' at me like that for, O.?

Yeah, I said it.

Why you approachin' me?

I just didn't hear you. I said what you lookin' at me like that for?

Ain't nobody scared of you. What'd you say before that? Don't let what?

Don't let chitlins, corn bread,

ham hocks, cheese sticks or none of that raise your kids.

That's what I said. What, you got hostility? What-What-What's happenin'?

This ain't your little brother no more, O. I'm a grown man.

You know, I don't get ass-whuppings. I give 'em out.

- Mm-hmm. - You're a officer here in Mayberry.

Come on. What you carry? A flashlight and a baton?

Tell you what. Maybe,

if you're a good old boy, I'll hire you as my security.

Yeah. I got the pull. I can do it. [ Chuckles ] Big-ass--

Now you and Mama got matchin' titties.

Maybe y'all are related.

[ Birds Chirping ]

♪ [ "Super Freak" On Car Radio ]

[ Laughing ]

♪ She's a very kinky girl ♪

You know, you should do a show about scrawny little brothers...

that constantly get bitched.

Look at your head! [ Laughing Continues ]

Yeah, but thank you.

My next show gonna be about prison hos-- Oh.

who mask conjugal visits as Bible readings.

Uh-uh.

Yeah, it's gonna be called "Bible Thumpers or Bible Humpers?"

You available? [ Laughing ]

You got time?

[ Engine Off ]

What you feelin'? Oh. Oh, okay.

Better get your Butterfinger-eatin' ass back in the car.

I may not hit a woman, but I'll beat a bitch's ass. Is that what you gonna do?

Yeah. What? That's what you gonna do? You gonna beat a bitch's ass?

Oh! What bitch you gonna beat, 'Scoe?

What bitch you gonna beat? Huh, 'Scoe? Is that what it's like?

What bitch you gonna beat? Oh-ho! You snapped my neck! Look at that. You didn't know.

Golden Glove. What? I'm gonna give you a dirty South ass-whippin'!

Oh! Come on. Come on. Bring it back, punk!

Come on. [ Angry Shouting ]

Oh! Roscoe, get your-- Get off of me, 'Scoe!

[ Ripping] That ain't real, you fool!

Oh, you gonna be sorry!

I'm gonna kick your ass! Wait a minute!

You done pulled out my damn tracks! [ Groaning ]

What you gonna do, R.J.? I'm sick of you! Say you sorry. Say "uncle." Say "uncle"!

Say "uncle"! Say it! Talk your shit now, you fake-ass Bruce Lee!

[ Grunting ] You wanna get up? You wanna get up? Come on.

Come on. I done told you about your mouth.

I am not a ho! I am doin' God's work!

Say "Praise the Lord!" [ Grunts ]

[ Groaning ] Now, I'm gonna tell you somethin'.

You'd better be glad I'm a good Christian...

'cause the next time I might not be so merciful.

You done made me lose my protection from the Lord.

Father God, forgive him, for he know not what he do.

Mmm. I'm gonna pray for you, Roscoe.

Thank you. I appreci--

[ Wheezes ]

[ Groaning, Gasping ]

[ Loud Groaning ]

[ Footsteps On Stairs ]

Hey, Lucinda. Oh, my God! Roscoe, are you okay?

What you mean?

Well, your face looks like you got run over by a tractor.

Really? I feel fine.

Well, it looks terrible. Here.

Sit. Oh.

[ Chuckles ] Oh, my God!

Here. Oh. [ Groans ]

Mmm. That feels good.

Mmm. Good. Good.

Hey, i-- it might be a good idea to stop teasing everybody.

[ Laughing ] This is nothin'.

Why you tryin' to front? I'm not frontin'.

I'm just-- Aah. Oh. Oh.

See? See? You know you hurtin'.

The Roscoe Jenkins I knew would've owned up to it.

Well, this is R.J. Stevens you tendin' to now, girl.

Yeah. The new and improved.

Roscoe 7.0.

I think Roscoe 1.0...

was just fine.

Oh. I didn't know you were back.

We weren't doin' nothin'!

Uh, nothin' much, that is.

Well, good.

Why don't you give me a hand, Roscoe?

Papa J., I thought you wanted me to help. No, that's all right.

Roscoe's got this.

Yeah, I got this.

[ Grumbles ]

♪ [ Radio: Jazz ]

[ Hammering ]

Son,

you are ready to get married, aren't you?

[ Chuckling ] Of course.

Yeah. Yeah! Why do you ask?

Well, if I didn't know any better,

I'd think there was something going on between you and Lucinda.

Oh, no. I'm-- I'm just--

You know, we-we just catchin' up.

Daddy, the weddin' is gonna be hot.

[ Chuckling ] Got the caterer. R. Kelly's singin'.

Beyoncé is gonna choreograph the Electric Slide. Um--

Roscoe, I think you know what I'm saying.

A marriage isn't about the wedding day.

Your mama and I got married right there in the front yard.

I know, but--

Well, Bianca wants a big weddin' with all the trimmings.

Is that what you want?

I-- Yeah, I--

You-- I think--

I d-- I do. I do! [ Chuckling ]

How does Jamaal feel about that?

[ Sighs ] Jam-- Jamaal, he-- Jamaal's cool, Daddy.

Be mindful of that boy.

He never sees his own mother.

And from what he tells me, he doesn't see much of you either.

I'm trying, Daddy.

All right? But the show keeps me so busy--

Oh, the show. Team of Me.

I never quite understood that.

Well, it's-- it's just a sayin'.

You know, protect yourself, be your own man.

Well, that's fine, Son, but... there are times...

you gotta depend on others-- family and friends.

I mean, you never learned anything like that around here.

And that's certainly not something you teach a child.

Some kids learn it on their own, Daddy.

[ Door Closes ]

[ Snoring ]

[ Snoring Continues ] Honey.

Hmm? I've been busy with a personal project all morning.

And I'm exhausted, so be a dear and walk Fifi for me?

Come on, baby.

Let Feef run around and enjoy nature.

I was hopin' to get a little nap.

Aww. My "widdle" man is tired.

Well,

I promise I'll do any "widdle" thing you want...

if you do this "widdle" thing for me.

Hmm?

Plus, I want to show you my "widdle" project.

[ Electronic Buzzing ]

What project?

Damn! [ Laughing ]

[ Whining ]

Are those my initials?

Mm-hmm. [ Razor Buzzes ]

I told you it was yours.

You a hell of an artist, baby.

Come on, Feef!

Come on, Feef. Go pee.

[ Hissing] Oh, shit! Snake! Feef! Come on, Feef!

[ Barking] Run, Fifi!

Run! Come on! [ Kissing Sounds ] Come--

Hey! Lucinda. What's the matter?

Don't go down there. Fifi's cornered by this big-ass poisonous snake.

And you left her? No. Lucinda!

Save yourself!

[ Squealing ] Oh! You see? I-I'm sorry, Fifi!

I ain't suckin' out no-- no poison!

You okay, girl? Yeah? You just got a little scare, huh?

Oh! Fifi.

It's okay. It's all right. She all right?

Yeah. Here you go. Ahh.

See? It was just a little milk snake. Aah!

[ Sighs ] That wasn't the snake I saw.

It was a anaconda or-- or a python.

- Well, we don't have those down here. - For real?

Uh-huh. There you go.

[ Sighs ] You want to take a walk?

Sure.

[ Chuckling ] You runnin' off with that red velvet cake, huh?

I deserve some cake. Yeah. No, you--

That cake will go right to your--

Oh, come on. You heard the stories. Hell, you witnessed a bunch.

Everybody did everything better than me.

So I found somethin' I'm good at.

I get in front of that audience,

and-and they feel me, more than anyone here ever did.

Please, Roscoe. What family doesn't mess with one another?

I mean, I got teased to no end about my skinny legs.

Yeah, well, you do have some slim jims.

Shut up! You could pick your teeth with those legs.

Shut up! See?

You can dish it out, boy, especially when it comes to Clyde.

Clyde. [ Scoffs ]

Clyde's big-headed ass needs to be knocked off his high horse sometimes.

Why are you two always digging at each other?

Because Clyde is dirty and will use any underhanded trick to win.

Aren't you exaggerating just a little?

Uh, no.

And what was all that "you stole what was mine" business?

Hmm? At the picnic. What did he steal?

A great opportunity.

Well, if it was that great, why can't you create another one?

Maybe I will.

Maybe you should.

Well, well, well!

Here y'all are again!

Uh-huh! Caught you, didn't I?

Mama gonna get ya. Uh-huh.

This raises some eyebrows.

Sing like a canary, Reggie. [ Whistles ] Whistle.

♪ [ Vocalizing ] All that with the birds.

Harmonize with 'em, but you're not gettin' the plasma.

I was walkin' the dog.

How's that? Bucky's with us.

I'm talkin' about Fiona. By the-- Where is Feef?

Oh, I think she's down by the gully. Where's Bucky?

- Down by the gully. - Oh!

Move! [ Reggie ] Oh, he gonna tear it up!

- [ Bucky Howling ] - Bucky!

[ Howling ] Bucky, get your ass off her! Get down!

- [ Fiona Squealing ] - Oh, my God.

- Whoa! - [ Barking ]

She's so working him.

[ Barking Continues ]

Don't be surprised if he starts barkin' in tongues.

[ Growls ]

[ Fiona Squeals ]

[ Gasps ] Bucky done turned the bitch out.

[ Bucky Whines ] Phew.

[ Whining ]

Reg, not a word. I got you.

Is that plasma TV under warranty?

Mm-hmm.

I'm a steel trap, player. That dog gonna need counseling.

You gonna be all right?

Maybe she won't notice.

Whoo! Ah, baby.

Me and Fifi had so much fun out there,

we completely lost track of time.

Yeah. Daddy loves himself some Fifi. [ Whining ]

Ain't that right, Fifi?

[ Baby Talk ] Daddy love his little Fifi! Yeah!

We was runnin' all over the place, baby.

Yeah. She may need a bath.

She got dirty. Real dirty.

Now see here, buster.

Your alliance is with me, not the prom queen.

Come on, baby. There's no other alliance.

All right?

How 'bout you show me that "widdle" project?

I shaved off my "widdle" project. Why you do that?

If I discover there's mutiny afoot,

I'm gonna shave off your "widdle" project, understand?

Damn!

[ Both ] Damn!

[ Male Announcer ] One-timer! Kaberle.

Goal! [ Laughing ]

Aww, dang. You got game, nephew. That's all right.

Hey, Dad.

Roscoe Malley! What's up, man?

I heard you been runnin' around with my girl again.

[ Chuckles ] Come on, man. Let's play the game.

Me and Junior take on you and Jamaal. Yeah!

I don't play children's games.

Oh, is that right?

Then what's your poison, Brother? [ Dice Clacking ]

[ Chuckling ] You hear that though, huh? You like that, huh?

Yeah, I been dyin' to play a little click-clack.

Sure you want to take it there, Clyde?

'Cause I don't play for fun.

Ain't no fun losin' money.

Then you about to have a bad time.

- [ R.J. Groans ] - Oh, snap! Oh, that's gonna be all day right there.

- [ R.J. ] Can you handle it? - Moneymaker.

Daddy needs a new pair of gators.

Uh-uh. Watch this right there.

Talkin' about shake 'em up, shake 'em up, wake 'em. Oh!

- Yeah, Dad! - Daddy, yes!

You know what, man? I admire you. Yeah?

I admire you, Roscoe.

I mean, you still keep tryin'.

- You know, 'cause even when I lose, I win. - Ooh!

Then this must feel like the championship 'cause you're losin' the grip.

Bee-yatch! [ Laughing ]

[ Man ] ♪ Nobody ♪

Yeah, put that right there. Come on, baby. Eat for Mama.

♪ Don't stop the beat ♪

Uh, Binata? You're not listenin'.

Now, I told you to take that dog out of my kitchen.

Just ain't sanitary. What's wrong with people?

Bring damn dogs up in folks's kitchen? Don't make no damn sense.

Oh!

That ain't nothin'. You ain't even slick with yours, so that's the problem.

Everybody see what you doin', man, but she's mine, Bro.

Yeah? Well, you might want to tell her that, 'cause she feelin' a brotha.

Seven again! [ Laughing ]

All right. Grease is hot. I need that fish. Thank you.

Mmm. It's a little sweet, but it's delicious.

Yes! And that wine of yours, baby, set it right off.

The '67 Margaux? Yeah!

That's a $600 bottle. And worth every penny!

♪ Everybody, get on down ♪ Oh! Oh!

Seven again!

Oh! Somebody stop me!

[ Laughing ] Come on. Roll the dice, man.

- Oh, I get it. That's mine. That's mine. - Pass on that ass.

- Oh! Could it be? - No, no. No, no.

I call gator on that right there. Nigga, this ain't Monopoly.

Hey, hey, man. Roll again, Bro.

Clyde, you better un-ass me fore you find yourself a pinkie short.

You better roll again fore you find yourself an artery short.

[ Angry Shouting ]

You brought it on yourself! You brought it on yourself, Clyde!

- Let's go get some fish. - Okay. Come on, Jamaal.

This what you wanted, Clyde? This what you want? Yeah, that's what I want.

Get away from me. That's right! That's junior varsity right there, Bro!

[ Roaring ]

[ Screams, Grunting ]

Feel that? Oh, that's your ass right there.

[ Laughing ] [ Jamaal ] Wait! Wait. Stop!

Y'all gotta stop all that runnin' through my kitchen!

- [ Screaming ] - Got ya! Yeah! Oh, you broke Daddy's table!

We worked hard on this! [ Screams ]

That's 'cause you fixed it!

[ Laughing, Squealing ]

[ Shouts ] Go ahead and tell her. She asked you.

All right. I said why are you drinking when you're pregnant?

'Cause they said I could have a glass of wine.

Really? They didn't say how many times you could refill it though.

- I want to get pregnant. - How 'bout another one?

- Let's do it, Balolo! - Clyde-o-mania, baby!

[ Groaning ]

Yeah, you ended up with a big dog now, boy.

You're gonna kiss my dental records. [ Shouts ]

Lord, these fools been playin' dice.

- [ Clyde, R.J. Shouting ] - Hey! Knock it off!

Ladies, get the tartar sauce and the hot sauce...

'cause the Jenkins family is about to throw down!

- [ Shouting ] - [ Women Screaming ]

[ Growling ]

- Man, what y'all doing? - Stop that mess!

[ Screaming ]

[ Sizzling ] Aah! It's hot! It's hot!

- [ Screaming ] - [ Otis Shouting ]

[ Otis ] Oh, hell, no! [ Screaming ]

[ Ruthie ] Oh, my God.

[ Amy ] Are you okay?

Oh, my God!

[ Both ] He started it.

What they headin' for now? What they headin' for now?

Damn! Tsk. Boy, Mama.

You should've had more prenatal care. Look at your kids.

I'm sorry.

[ Whimpering ]

Baby, I'm sorry. It was an accident.

Silence. Shower. Strategy. That's all I need right now.

[ Knocking ]

Whoo! Boy, the shower's all yours.

[ Laughing ]

[ Whining ] You used all my shit!

- Yeah. What? - And you wearin' my robe? - What--

- Man, you little-- - Bianca, how's Fiona doing?

- She still spooked by that snake? - What snake?

Oh! Shh-- The snake Lucinda saved Fifi from.

I mean, she seems pretty relaxed.

- That's probably because-- - Satellite!

Huh, 'Scoe?

Satellite, pay-per-view, premium channels, sports channels, platinum titty channels.

- All of that, man. - Playboy channels?

Yeah, butt-naked channels. You like butt-naked?

Oh, I got to have it. You like it when they butt-naked,

showin' all the ass?

You know it. Gospel channel?

- Yeah, you-- Gospel, all that! - Telemundo?

You like Telemundo? I like Telemun-- I like Spanish.

[ Mock Spanish ] All that!

All the-- ♪ Chung, cha-chung, cha-chung chung-chung ♪

My man. Peace!

[ Growls ]

- [ Door Closes ] - [ Gulps ]

I don't know who you are anymore, Roscoe Jenkins.

Baby, it's me.

It's R.J.

Are you really willing to put your career, your future,

in jeopardy over a crush?

Career? Baby, we're getting married.

Get your priorities in order...

and decide what and who you really want.

Let that simmer while you sleep on the couch tonight.

We're gonna take a shower.

[ Water Running ]

Ooh.

Ooh.

- Reggie! - [ Screams ] Hell, no!

- Get your nasty ass outta here! - I didn't know that was you.

You knew I was in here! You's a nasty, common freak!

There's a naked linebacker in our shower right now.

You brought that little white gal up in here, and now you tryin' to see some black meat?

Girl, I didn't try to come in here and look at you.

Well, then hand me my feminine wash.

I can see why you can't keep a man now.

You got to lay off them Milky Ways and Doritos and "tor-till-oh" chips.

And your mother shouldn't have taken them goddamn drugs when she was pregnant with you!

- That's what's wrong with your black ass! - God, your titties are huge!

Look, I'm-a tell Daddy. I'm-a tell my daddy that you are in here tryin' to see my treats.

Wait. You gonna be lyin' if you tell him that.

Then what was you doin' in here? I thought that--

Can I just give you this bubble gum and get on outta here?

You wanted Chick-fil-A, that's what you got.

I'm Burger King. I'm a Double Whopper. You wanna see this dark meat?

I don't play that foolishness, you sick--

I do want to see the-- the black meat,

but I don't want to see... a bundle of it.

Get outta here, you sick, nasty bastard!

[ R.J. ] She gonna put me out of my room.

She's a survivor. I'm a survivor. Kiribati, my ass.

Good night, vegan. [ Laughing ]

Finally,

peace at last.

[ Snoring ]

Bucky.

You little stinky dog. Bu-- Bucky!

Oh, hell, no!

[ Screaming ]

He done pissed in my eyes! [ Screams ] It sting!

My eyes! It burns!

Aah! Oh, Lord! Oh!

[ Screams, Groans ]

It sting.

It sting. My eyes are burnin'. It got in my mouth.

They burnin'!

Where did I go wrong with that boy?

Mama! Mama! Mama!

Lord have mercy.

Mama! [ Groans ]

[ Spraying ] Ooh.

I don't-- I don't know what that is.

[ Woman ] Hell, no, that ain't me. What the--

[ Spraying Continues ]

Whoa, baby brother. Ease up, man. You got my eyes tearin'.

My skin is all itchy. [ Gasps ]

Don't do that, man.

Smell like garbage truck juice out here.

[ Papa Jenkins ] Today...

you all continue the Dry Springs...

obstacle course tradition.

So get out there and display...

that Jenkins family athletic prowess! [ Murmuring Agreement ]

And no matter what, have fun.

[ Cheering ]

Good luck, young man.

Win something, okay? Have fun. Go on. Have a good time.

Jamaal. Nobody remembers who came in second, okay?

So you gotta get pumped, right?

Loosen up.

Loosen up your muscles. Come on. Loosen up! Come on! Come on!

Win! Win! We're winners. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Ease up now, Kiribati.

Jamaal, go. This ain't none of your business, Clyde.

Come on, man. This is just kids havin' fun.

It ain't no fun gettin' beat. You should know that, Cadillac Man.

That was one time! Even a blind squirrel can find a nut.

Who you calling a squirrel? "Who you calling a squirrel?" Roscoe.

That's who. A blind, stink-ass squirrel.

And you the nut, Koo-koo.

Hey, leave my lady outta this. I know you're not calling my victory a fluke.

Oh. Fluke, luck, one-in-a-million shot. Yeah.

Well, bring it on, Clyde. We can do this right here, right now.

You owe me two marbles! All right. Stop it.

He's always been a loser. He's always gonna be a loser.

[ All Arguing ]

Hey, Daddy! Daddy! You hear these fools?

I'm gonna arrest 'em! That's what I'm gonna do!

- I was state champion! - [ Papa Jenkins ] Hey-oh, hey!

You two been at this for 20 years.

Go ahead. Knock yourselves out. Starting line, 10 minutes.

Oh, yeah? Yeah, Daddy! Yeah! Oh! Ten minutes?

Starting line, 10 minutes, Clyde! Ten minutes, Clyde.

It's on! Ten minutes! Get him!

Ten minutes to countdown, baby! Gunfight at the O.K. Corral!

Aw, shoot. It's the Negro Olympics!

[ Bones Cracking ]

[ Grunting ]

Dad, are you sure about this? Focus, Son.

Concentrate.

Cut me in or cut it out. Clyde is favored to do the job.

Good luck, 'Scoe. That's right. Who gonna bet?

Y'all better strap yourselves in 'cause this here's gonna be funny!

Hey, Reggie! Let me get some of that action!

I got a pulled hamstring for Clyde and a back spasm for Roscoe.

R.J.'s in top shape. Your man? No shape.

Clyde is not my man. We are just--

Just friends. Yeah. Like you and R.J.?

What are you talking about?

I've been watching you, trying to win favor with Jamaal,

realizing what you missed out on.

It's pathetic, and you're too late...

because there are no second chances for washed-up prom queens.

I'm sorry. Oh! That was painful. You a bad bitch. You bad.

A bad bitch, Betty? Please. Okay.

She is a fake celebrity, all right?

Her only claim to fame is trading her panties for peanut butter.

That's some nasty shit there.

News flash, honey. Those panties went for 20 grand on line.

Wait a minute. Twenty grand for your panties? Yes.

Well, I got some panties. Okay? I got the good panties.

I got the thong panties. I got the period panties.

They might go for-- Betty. I got a news flash for you.

Mm-hmm? Bucky boned Fifi.

Oh, Lord. Well.

- Did he kill her? - She was on top.

[ Gasps ] [ Betty ] The "Pomegramian?"

[ Lucinda ] Now, that is a bad bitch. [ Betty ] Oh, my God.

- Fifi! - Your dog's a whore.

All right.

On your mark.

Get set.

- [ Cheering ] - Come on, baby!

- [ Grunting ] - Get away from me!

What is wrong with them?

[ Fast Grunting ]

[ Gasping ]

- ♪ Just no time to stop and get away ♪ - [ All Shouting ]

♪ 'Cause I work so hard to make it every day ♪

Oh, get back! Don't want nothin'-- Get back, sucka!

Watch out! Hell, I've got it!

I've got it! Move!

Oh, no! Share that! Share that!

[ Both Screaming ]

- ♪ There's no money fallin' from the sky ♪ - Oh!

♪ 'Cause a man took my heart and robbed me blind ♪

Redemption! Redemption!

Oh, no! Oh, no! Boogie!

You gotta go, Rasta boy! [ Grunts ]

- [ Giggling ] - Hey!

[ Screaming ] Oh, yes.

I'm up. I'm up. [ Roaring ]

- Oh, no. Uh-uh. - Letting go.

Cannonball!

Oh, shit!

Oh, shit!

[ Groaning ] Oh, yeah. Here we go.

No.

[ Roaring ]

Hit the floor, baby. G.I. Joe!

Navy SEAL! Navy SEAL.

Slip-and-slide Clyde!

[ Screaming ]

Try South Beach Diet, fat ass!

[ Growling, Triumphant Laughing ]

- Come on, baby! - No, you don't!

- Hey! - Oh, hell, no. No!

[ Growling, Laughing ]

- [ All Groaning ] - [ High-pitched Whining ]

Man, I felt that in my stomach.

[ Groaning, Shouts ]

[ Otis ] Come on, baby. Let's go. No! No!

Hold up. [ Screaming ]

No. Wait! [ Screaming ]

Sorry, Dad! [ R.J. ] You-- You wait. You--

- [ Screaming ] - Hold on, baby. Hold on!

♪ I'm just burnin' doin' the Neutron Dance ♪

- Oh! - [ Giggling ]

- [ Laughter ] - That's all right, baby!

- Let's go, Jamaal! - Whoo! Yeah!

Whoa! No!

[ Frightened Grunting ] It's your ass, boy!

♪ I'm just burnin' ♪

- Oh, I got you now. See you at the finish line, boy. - No!

- Get up, baby! Get up! - [ Growls ]

[ Laughs ] Yes! You see that?

Upper-body strength. That's what bein' in the gym will do for you!

Well, I'm a power runner. True warrior. Man, I ain't never scared!

Yeah. Me neither.

[ Both Screaming ]

- I'm gonna die! I'm gonna die! - Mama!

- I'm gonna die! - [ Grunting ]

- [ Groans ] - [ All Groaning ]

- ♪ Doin' the Neutron Dance ♪ - [ Betty ] Clyde, go!

- ♪ I'm just burnin' doin' the Neutron Dance ♪ - Go, R.J.! Get him!

♪ I know there's a pot of gold for me ♪

- ♪ All I got to do is just believe ♪ - Help me, Dad.

Come on! Dig in! Come on! I can't.

Help! Dad! Come on, Son.

Come on, come on. You can do it.

Oh! [ Grunts ] Come on!

Come on. Come on, Son. Go!

[ Jamaal ] I'm tryin!

Dig in, Son. Dig.

Hurry up. Dig in! Go!

Leave him, baby! Leave him! Don't let Clyde beat you! Don't let him win!

[ Grunts ] [ Bianca ] Win, R.J., win!

- [ Both ] What? - [ Bianca ] Go, go, go!

[ Grunting ] Don't give up, Son.

Don't give up!

[ Bianca ] Go, go, go!

- Go, baby, go! - [ Roaring ]

[ Screaming ]

Watch out! [ Grunts ]

No, no, baby. Whoa, babe, babe. That's all right. No.

This is just a mess.

Oh, yeah, sucka! [ Maniacal Laughing ]

Oh, no! Hell, no! Hell, no!

[ Shouting ]

[ Shouting ]

[ Shouts ] Oh, no, you don't! No, you don't!

Yeah! Yes!

Yeah! Welcome to the top, winner!

[ Roaring ] Yes!

Give it up, Clyde. I still got it.

This is gonna haunt your dreams for the next 20 years.

- Yeah. - Loser!

Callie! Ah, built for comfort, not for speed.

Hey, good save, Steroid Stan! Good save, boy.

But you know what? Too bad this ain't a team competition.

You know why? 'Cause I'm the leader!

Yes! Captain of the Team of Me!

Just me! Just me, baby! Just me!

Yeah! Oh.

- Come here, Son. - No, thanks.

Jamaal!

Jamaal!

Jamaal. Jamaal!

What in God's name is wrong with you? What?

He challenged me, Daddy, so I stepped to the plate.

What was I supposed to do, back down?

Hey, don't use that tone with me!

Show some damn respect. Where's my respect, Daddy?

Damn! You've never given me credit for nothin' I done!

Credit for what? Winning a child's race?

Buying some fancy TV? Or that bullshit show of yours?

Yes! Yes, Daddy, yes! Give me some credit!

Show me some damn credit!

Then I feel very sorry for you.

So Clyde gets off easy again.

It wasn't just me out there, Daddy.

I know he lost his father, but why did I have to lose mine too?

Why, Daddy?

Well, now I see why you stayed away for nine years.

[ Reggie ] Mmm-mmm-mmm.

Let's go.

Hey. Hey, Roscoe.

Look, man, I never tried to take your place.

I was just tryin' to fit in.

See, even though we cousins,

you my brother, man.

Oh, now you're Mr. Innocent? Please!

Don't fall for it, honey. He's just tryin' to suck you in.

Oh, look, heifer, your narrow ass about to get sucked in--

Don't do this. You got a case.

I will cut you. You got a case pending.

- You know what? We're goin'. We're goin'. - I'm not afraid of her.

You need to be afraid of her. You don't watch Wild Kingdom?

You ain't never seen a lion attack a gazelle?

She about to smack the Cover Girl off your face. Better get up outta here.

'Scoe. 'Scoe. Hey, look.

Let him go. Let him go. Get off of me, Reggie.

Come on, baby. [ Betty ] I can see your spine.

Look at that snake.

It was so good to see you, Jamaal. Yeah.

Don't you forget to stay in touch with your grandma and grandpa, you hear?

I will. Thanks, Mama Jenkins. Mmm.

Well, here's somethin' for the road.

Meat loaf. Your favorite. Thanks, Mama.

Oh, I just hate to see you go, but I understand.

Lord have mercy, I understand.

Just don't let it be another nine years, okay?

Promise? Yeah.

We love you.

[ Sniffs ] I love you too, Mama.

[ Car Engine Starts ]

[ Bianca ] Honey, don't be sad.

I'm sorry things didn't work out.

I promise, we'll fix this together.

I hope so, baby.

We'll come up with a new plan.

Yeah, we have more time to work on the speech.

We'll film the banquet in L.A., hire actors.

It'll look better.

Hire actors, to play my family? Honey.

We're getting married...

and forming a powerful merger.

Where does your family fit into that?

I guess they don't.

Dad, are you serious? Jamaal!

Haven't you realized by now who your father's become? Hmm?

It's all about the Team of Me.

This is Team Stevens, and you need to get on board.

I'm a Jenkins.

R.J., please talk to your son.

[ Sighs ]

She's right, Jamaal.

- We gotta move forward, all right? - Mm-hmm.

You think just because you bonded with everybody,

I'm-a send you down here for summers and Christmases-- [ Chuckles ]

so you can be influenced by these people?

- But-- But, Dad! - No "buts," Jamaal.

In fact, you know, let's not even invite them to the wedding.

[ Gasps ] Oh, my God! I'm so glad you said that!

I've been thinking that ever since I met Betty.

I don't blame you. Bitch ain't got no class.

You can say that again.

[ Chuckling ] "No class."

Ha. We can say that about a few people in your family.

Right, baby? Right? [ Laughs ]

Honey, you are so doing the right thing...

and making me so hot in the process.

Oh, yeah? Yeah.

Well, prepare to cool off 'cause I'm done with you,

you crazy-ass bee-yatch!

You know what? Thank you, Bianca.

Thank you so much for lettin' me finally see you...

for the arrogant, sex-crazed,

pretentious fake-ass celebrity wannabe that you are.

[ Gasps ] Thank you, Bianca. Thank you.

[ Chuckles ] Oh, well, you're so welcome, Roscoe!

I knew it. You can't handle me. You're not man enough.

You don't have the balls!

King Kong don't have the balls! Bounce!

You just signed your career death certificate. [ Giggles ]

Our alliance is officially over, and so are you.

- Come on, Fiona. - [ Whines ]

- Come on, Fifi. Come to Mommy. - [ Barks ]

Ah! It looks like your alliance is over...

and you've been voted off the island.

Bianca, the tribe has spoken. Bounce. [ Fifi Barking ]

[ Screams, Grunts ]

Dad, you're the man!

I told you who the boss was. Huh?

Let's go.

Wait! My bags!

I love you, Son. I love you too, Dad.

Let's go home.

[ Applause ]

Mama said, "Girl, it ain't right...

to throw hot grits on a man when you have a disagreement."

Sound advice, real good advice, but did I listen?

No. Old Betty had to do it her way, and that was my second husband.

God knows I didn't mean to burn him.

But my third husband, Buck-- Baby, Buck was good to me.

And any time you get somebody that's good to you like that, you love 'em.

Big, uh-- Big black Buck had the keloid hanging from his ear. Looked--

Eww! Stop! Looked like he had a leather hearing aid.

Daddy, I know you didn't like Buck a lot,

but Buck was a good man when he got out of jail.

I'm-a tell you somethin'-- He did everything he said he was gonna do.

And do you know, Buck was the only man that could pick me up?

Baby, y'all don't know what it's like for a man to scoop you up like that--

Betty-- I'm tryin' to tell 'em! Scoop you like--

- Betty. - Get off of me! I'm not finished!

You a hater. I ain't no hater. We only got five hours to be here.

Shut up!

Thank you, Betty. Thank you! Yeah!

And now, for our next testimonial, it'll come from Clyde.

All right. How's everybody doin'? Ain't God good?

Amen. All the time.

It is a pleasure and a privilege to be here...

for Papa J. and Mama J.'s 50th anniversary.

Lord, growin' up in this Jenkins's household was somethin' else.

And Papa J.'s a strong man.

I mean, this the kind of person, he say he slap the black off of you,

I mean, the black really will come off.

I woke up light-skinned at least three times in my life.

[ Laughing ] Yeah, I got it all back.

You all right? You barely ate.

But, you know, workin' in his hardware store-- Oh, I--

I just wish Roscoe were here.

Roscoe made his choice.

You didn't give him much of one.

What was I supposed to do, be disrespected in my own home?

Be his father.

Giving him your name doesn't make him you, Roscoe.

It doesn't make him Betty or Otis or even Clyde.

He's Roscoe Jr. R.J.

And for a boy who didn't feel the support of his family,

he's doing quite well for himself.

[ Clyde ] ...sleepin' in the bottom bunk bed,

you know, under R.J.,

and then I was nervous 'cause he would pee in the bed.

That would, uh-- Hey, I would have some scary nights sometimes.

You know, it's hard sleeping with a raincoat on, you know.

And, uh, you know-- and--

And I tried to explain to them that, you know--

That's Roscoe the one that's peein' in the bed, not me.

And, um-- he, uh-- [ Crying ]

[ Sobbing ]

You know, just the way they took me in was so gracious.

They didn't have to do that. I thank you.

I thank y'all, and, uh--

Because I don't know where I would be right now if, uh--

[ Weeping, Howling ]

Nigga, what is you cryin' for?

Big old Sugar Bear lookin' ass boy. [ Sobbing ]

Sittin' up there cryin'. He still wearin' pajamas with the feet in 'em.

[ Crying, Snorting ]

Wow. I never seen Clyde cry before.

[ All Murmuring ]

A-- Ain't nobody crying.

I'm just cleansin'.

Nah, those some real tears right there.

I know.

I've cried more than a newborn baby gettin' his ass popped.

[ Crowd Laughing ]

Hey, guys. I've been beat up--

Hi, Jamaal. insulted,

laughed at...

a lot.

[ Crowd Laughing ] Hey, you're laughin' already.

I've lost more games and competitions to Clyde than I can remember.

Oh, 3,459 and countin'.

[ Laughing ] Thank you, Clyde.

I thought I was a loser,

so I went away and transformed myself...

into what I thought was a winner.

But bein' around y'all-- [ Chuckles ]

is a 24/7-- [ Chuckles ]

reality check.

Y'all rough on a brother.

Phew. The clothes, the car, the Survivor.

- Y'all pull no punches. - You know that's right.

Betty, you got a hell of a right hand.

That's no joke. And, O., you got a hell of a left hand.

[ Laughing ] That's right.

But look, I--

I want to thank you, all of you--

my family.

Thank you for making me a better man,

for givin' me strength to--

to withstand anything this world throws at me,

for unconditional love...

and a place to call home.

Mm-mmm. I'm not gonna do it.

I'm not gonna cry. Mmm.

Happy anniversary, Mommy, Daddy.

I love you.

[ Mouthing Words ]

I'm so proud of you.

I know. [ Sobbing ] We all need love.

Yeah, come on, Clyde. We gonna let them have this moment, a'ight?

I just want a hug, O. I know, baby. Come over here.

Son,

if I ever drove you away,

if I ever made you feel unworthy,

I'm sorry.

I love you. Glad to have you back.

Those words you just said, that's the best gift I've ever received,

R.J. Stevens.

Well, it's from the heart, Daddy,

and the name is Jenkins.

Roscoe Steven Jenkins.

Just like my daddy.

[ Crowd ] Aww!

Reggie, come here. What the hell is wrong with you, man?

What the hell has gotten into you? Man, it's so great.

Go get her, Son.

[ Woman ] ♪ A few stolen moments ♪

♪ Is all that we shared ♪

♪ You've got your family ♪

♪ And they need you there ♪ Lucinda?

Yes? ♪ Though I tried to resist ♪

I waited 20 years to create this opportunity. ♪ Being last on your list ♪

Would you dance with me? ♪ But no other man's ♪

I'd love to. ♪ Gonna do ♪

♪ So I'm saving all my love ♪ 'Cinda.

♪ For you ♪ I'm happy for you.

Hey. Hey-hey! Betty, come on. Let's get out here and cut a rug, girl.

Negro, we cousins. That's nasty.

So desperate. That's a damn shame.

You gonna play me for him? He got on a ankle bracelet!

♪ To be free ♪

♪ You said, "Be patient ♪

♪ Just wait a little longer" ♪

♪ But that's just an old fantasy ♪

♪ I got to get ready ♪ [ Groans ]

♪ Just a few minutes more ♪ Thank you. Whoa!

♪ 'Cause tonight is the night ♪ [ Cackling ]

♪ For feeling all right ♪

♪ We'll be making love ♪

♪ The whole night through ♪

♪ So I'm saving all my love ♪

♪ Yes, I'm saving all my love♪

♪ Yes, I'm saving all my love ♪

♪ For you ♪ [ Otis ] There your boy is right there.

[ Betty ] Look at Roscoe tryin' to be in love. I heard that.

[ Papa Jenkins ] Now, that's a good picture.

[ All Chattering ]

Look at that blue bonnet.

I thought of that one. I thought we had that on there.

♪ So I'm saving all my love for you ♪

That's a blue bonnet, baby. Pow. Pow.

That boy crazy right there. Pow.

We do have one hell of a family.

We sure do, Daddy. Where are those two anyway?

Oh, Ma, you know where they are. That's nice.

♪ 'Cause tonight is the night ♪ [ Growling ]

♪ That I'm feeling all right ♪

♪ We'll be making love ♪

- ♪ The whole night through ♪ - [ Both ] Uh-uh.

♪ So I'm saving all my love ♪ [ Both Whining ]

♪ For you ♪

♪ For you ♪

[ Male Announcer ] Ladies and gentlemen, your host, Roscoe Jenkins!

[ Cheering ] Thank you. Thank you.

Ah, y'all looking good. Looking good.

What's good, family?

Today's show is about family.

And what better way to kick it off...

than with the doctor's own?

Say hello to the Jenkins clan.

[ Cheering ] Hey, y'all. Hey, everybody.

Oh! Pump, pump, pump, pump, pump, pump, pa-pump.

Pump, pump, pump, pump. Yes!

Good. Uh, we'll be right back. Mind your business, Otis.

We just tryin' to have a good time here on 'Scoe's show.

You're always gotta say something. [ Otis ] Let him run the show.

Let's get started.

You a doctor, so tell me this.

Why am I having trouble reachin' an orgasm?

- So you never been able to? - I know how to get myself to the destination.

I just need a captain to navigate the waters.

Now, 'Scoe, you got to help me here.

Is that thing physical, or is that thing mental? Or is it emotional, 'Scoe?

Like, where do you go to find--

Can we cut? I'm-- I'm uncomfortable.

I'm just tryin' to figure out how I'm supposed to get mine.

So you think it's okay to spank your kids?

Yeah, I spank my kids. I get in their-- [ Bleeps ]

They-- [ Bleeps ] up, I start-- [ Bleeps ] them up.

Tag team.

- O., cuss words. - Oh, gee. I'm sorry.

[ Bleeps ] that. You know me, man.

Hustlin' is my job.

I mean, I ain't never really paid no rent. You know what I'm sayin'?

I ain't never really paid up for no bills.

But for some reason, I've always got cash in my pocket.

I guess it's 'cause I got a honest face.

I mean, you might have a problem with that...

since when we was little, I would always beat you.

You know what I'm sayin'? You pull out the cards. You one, two, three.

You draw four, and I'm, like, bam! Uno. You know what I'm sayin'?

You make a move. I'm C-4, C-2-- bam! I sunk your battleship.

You remember that, don't you?

And then he be finished. I'm, like, "Damn. Is somethin' wrong with my-- my cakes?"

You know what I'm sayin'? I don't know if somethin' wrong with my tasty cakes, 'Scoe.

You actually Tase your kids?

Hell, yeah, I Tase my-- [ Bleeps ] kids. When they shocked, they go, like--

I say, "You gonna take out that trash now, ain't you?" [ Grunting ]

For not takin' out the trash? [ Imitating Taser Shocking ]

45,000 volts right through his big-- [ Bleeps ]

- [ Blubbering ] - Yeah.

[ Cell Phone Ringing ] Wait. Hold on. Who is this?

Yeah. What it is.

Man, I'm on the show. You ain't watchin'? I'm on the show right now.

I ain't gotta-- I'm on the show. Look at me. Look!

[ Babbling ]

We could do it right now. You put your hands up. Bam, bam, bam.

Or rock-paper-scissors.

We could go right here. I mean, what you scratchin' for?

You know, we gonna scratch? You wanna have a scratch battle?

'Cause we could scratch out. We can D.J. scratch. [ Imitating Record Scratching ]

I make me a bubble bath, light me some little candles...

and then I gets down in that water, 'Scoe.

And I be-- Ooh! I'm thinkin' 'bout it right now.

Let me get myself together. God, forgive me. Oh. Cut. Cut!

Take the $150, go buy you a eight-ball.

Flip the eight-ball. You gonna make 300 off that.

Take the 300, get you a quarter.

Take the quarter ounce, flip that. Stay over at Aunt Lea's.

Like, if you was in the audience out there,

I'd race you up and down the audience steps.

We could go. You know we could go too.

Take the half-ounce money, flip the half-ounce money. Now you ready for a ounce.

You got a quarter key now.

neighborhood got on new sneakers and walkie-talkies.

Everybody is working for you. You doin' your thang and everythang.

I hope the feds ain't watchin' this.

I'll call you back.

I am. I am afraid, okay?

I mean, I'm-I'm afraid of bein' hurt, and I don't want to be hurt.

- You pursue unattainable men. - What?

- You want men you can't have. - Men I can't have?

Listen here. [ Bleeps ] Okay? I can have any man I want, okay?

Don't get me twisted, 'Scoe. I am pretty in the face and thick around the waist.

You better ask somebody. I got sugar walls!

This right here's sweet tea. Ain't that right, baby? Ow.

Yo, Ma. Yeah.

I'm sayin', Doc, the booty is illmatic!

Well, that wasn't quite what a brother had in mind,

but that's the thing about family--

unpredictable but entertaining.

And we love 'em. [ Kisses ] Peace.

[ Man ] ♪ We only kin Everyone of us ♪

♪ Oh, ah ♪

♪ My uncle, my auntie and all my cousins ♪ ♪ Ooh, ooh ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah ♪

♪ Family ♪

♪ [ R & B ]

[ Man ] ♪ All right, yeah ♪ [ Women ] ♪ La-la-la-la La-la-la-la-la ♪

[ Man ] ♪ Growin' up, it was tough ♪

♪ We were glad for what little we had ♪

♪ I saw my share of old fair Mississippi ♪

♪ Dirt roads and Confederate flags ♪

♪ Every day my father would tell me ♪

♪ "Son, run and don't never come back" ♪

♪ That's where I left my girl♪

♪ That's where my heart is at and oh ♪

♪ I held my breath when they dipped my head ♪

♪ Then I came up shiny and new ♪ ♪ Laid down my burden ♪

♪ Found out about love in the back of my Impala ♪

♪ Where they laid my grandfather too ♪

♪ Down by the river where black folks gather ♪

♪ After Sunday service is through ♪

♪ How the river runs to the ocean ♪

♪ I'll be runnin' right back to you ♪ ♪ Running back to you ♪

♪ Ah ♪ ♪ So I'm packin' up my suitcase ♪

♪ Ah ♪ ♪ Bought me a one-way fare ♪

♪ Ah ♪ ♪ I'm leaving everything behind me ♪

♪ Ah-ah ♪ ♪ But in my heart I'll always care ♪

[ Woman ] ♪ And I'll still be right there ♪

[ Man ] ♪ Thank you, baby ♪

♪ 'Cause nothin' can replace that part in my life ♪

♪ And whoa ♪ ♪ I held my breath when they dipped my head ♪

♪ Then I came up shiny and new ♪ ♪ I came out a new man ♪

♪ Found out about love in the back of my Impala ♪

♪ Where they laid my grandfather too ♪ ♪ Down by the river ♪

♪ Where the black folks gather ♪

♪ After Sunday service is through ♪ ♪ Oh, Lord ♪

♪ How the river runs to the ocean ♪ ♪ Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah ♪

♪ I'll be runnin' right back to you ♪