Original subtitles

[MUSIC - TOM WILSON, "DIG IT"]

SONG: What?

DJX is crying again.

Diesel, travel, lovers and I don't wanna be a mover,

jockey, peeler, ghetto groover.

I can suck her, super bad.

Dig it.

Dig it.

Dig it till the sun goes down.

Dig it, dig it.

Dig it till the sun goes down.

Yo, yo, yo, yo.

No, yo.

No, yo.

What?

Hit the beach and drop the bomb.

Never let the panic down.

Trip it, shaking, money, hype, tribal, grab it every night.

In the trench or on the ditch.

Dig it, dig it.

Dig it till the sun goes down.

Dig it, dig it.

Dig it till the sun goes down.

Dig it, dig it.

Dig it till the sun goes down.

Dig it, dig it.

Dig it till the sun goes down.

Dig it till the sun goes down.

From sunrise to sun down we watch the world spin around.

16 degrees.

Now somehow, some way, I turn rain to sun and turn night

to day.

I turn hate to love and turn dreams to fame.

Every 15 minutes, you be calling my name.

Let me take your pain and turn your gray sky blue.

Close your eyes and let the light shine through.

Dig it, dig it till the sun goes down.

Big row ho, dad had a bad groove.

Little trousers learning to move.

Sit around in headphones trying to get their minds blown.

Light the garbage or the fuse.

Dig it, dig it.

Dig it till the sun goes down.

Dig it, dig it.

Dig it till the sun goes down.

Dig it, dig it.

Dig it till the sun goes down.

Dig it, dig it.

Dig it till the sun goes down.

All right, this is it.

- I'm proud of you, man. - Really?

Yeah.

Yeah, I'm gonna go in there and blow 'em away.

All right, get outta here.

You get outta here.

I'll see you later.

[CHATTERING]

Um, excuse me.

Who's Rick?

I'm trying as hard as I can.

No, no.

I don't think it was some electronic mouse.

No, no!

Can you help him?

Officer, could you just--

Hi, Rick?

Who are you?

Hi, Carter Coleman.

I-- I think I'm supposed to start today.

We've just been robbed.

Wow.

That sucks, huh?

Look, Connor, I just don't think they're

gonna be needing anybody right now.

I'm really sorry about that and wish you the best of luck.

Right, sure, so do you just want me to come back tomorrow

at the same time, 10:00?

You know, same deal?

Champ, get lost.

Thanks.

All right.

[CHATTERING]

[BARKING]

You're not gonna say anything?

[CHATTERING]

I give you three years of my life,

you won't even talk to me?

I mean, even if it seems like a waste of time, it--

Sorry.

- I'm trying to make a point. - I know, I know.

You're hiccuping for like half an hour.

Do something about it.

And I'm willing to admit that I'm the bad guy here.

I'm cool with that.

My mom says you drink from the back glass.

My mom told me.

Well, that's a load of crap.

You know that doesn't work.

You just gotta wait these things out.

- Just give it a try. - All right, all right.

You're so close minded about it.

I'll try it.

What's your problem?

I don't wanna hold you down anymore.

[LAUGHTER]

- I told you, see? - That does not work.

I gotta call my mom.

It's like you're this glorious bird.

My mom has been lying to me.

I told you.

And I'm this 200 pound string that's keeping you from flying.

I'll bet you 20 bucks that you can't

scare the hiccups out of me.

You're betting me 20 bucks that I can't

scare the hiccups out of you? - Oh, yeah.

You got a deal, son.

Yeah.

Well,

I gotta get back to the office.

Well, what? I can't just go.

You're just sitting like "well?"

I can't scare you.

You can't be expecting it, you know?

It's supposed to be a surprise.

He loves you, you stupid son of a bitch!

Wake up!

Do it, do it, do it!

Sheila, baby!

I cured your hiccups.

You owe me 20 bucks.

[SOBBING]

WOODS (VOICEOVER): The horned toad

defends itself by spraying its intruder with blood

from the corner of its eyes.

I wish I could do that.

When the blood boils in your head and you

can feel your eyes bulging out of their sockets.

I didn't used to feel this way, but about

a year ago, I had an awakening.

An epiphany of sorts.

I had been working for the Desert Savings

Bank for five years, and I was finally

being offered a promotion.

Assistant manager.

Rick, the manager, was breaking down my new job.

The additional responsibilities would require

me to come in early, stay late, open up, lock up, check

in the tellers, count out the tellers,

weekly scheduling, and about 12 other things I can't remember.

And for my hard work and talents,

I would be getting a long overdue raise.

This was it.

The fruits of my labor were finally acknowledged.

$0.55 more an hour.

Now, that is a 15% raise.

WOODS (VOICEOVER): And all at once, it hit me.

I had worked for this bank for five years.

This is what I do.

I'm supposed to care about this place.

I'm supposed to care about what I am doing here.

This is my life.

Hey, fella.

Nobody's gonna hurt you.

OK, all right.

[HISSING]

[CHOMPING]

Yah!

[GROANING IN PAIN]

WOODS (VOICEOVER): I guess I just figured, screw it.

You have nothing, you have nothing to lose.

What the?

Are you high right now?

What?

Am I the only person that knows how

to drive in this whole town?

[RADIO PLAYING]

Did you see that?

You all right?

I'm gonna have a double Western cheeseburger

with a large criss-cut fries and a large Coke.

I'll have a barbecue chicken sandwich with a baked potato

plain and a medium Coke.

OK, That's 13.33.

- What's this? - I know.

That's all. - It's two bucks.

Where's the rest? - I'm sorry, dude.

It's like-- I'm good for it.

No, you're not good for it.

You owe me $18 from last week.

- No, I don't. - Yes, you do.

This-- you treat me like a bank.

Just because I work at a bank doesn't

mean I am a bank, all right?

Sir, if you don't have the money,

I'm gonna have to ask you two gentlemen to step aside.

What is it, like six bucks?

Geez.

Yeah, barbecue chicken sandwich,

baked potato plain with a medium Coke.

Fine, what do you want?

Famous star and a water.

Actually, how much is a famous star?

Hey, are you OK?

Who the hell are you?

I was in, uh, Manny's diner.

I-- I-- I followed you.

And I just wanted to see if you're all right.

Are you?

No, I'm pretty messed up.

My boyfriend's dumped me.

Oh. Why?

About a year ago, we decided we should both go back

to school and get some sort of degree,

so we could get, you know, better jobs.

But neither of us had the money.

So I told Rick, I said, baby, let's keep our jobs,

and I'll get-- you know, I'll use my savings

to help you get through school.

When you get a better job, you can help me, right?

Right.

Well, it turns out Rick is mathematically retarded.

There is no way he's gonna make it through calculus.

So I spent everything else I had to help him hire a tutor.

And now here we are.

He's about to get his AA in a couple of weeks,

and they're gonna give him a promotion when he does.

And now he's dumping me.

Why?

Why?

He's screwing the tutor!

That is pretty bad.

Well, I certainly think you showed him how you felt there.

I don't think you're gonna be seeing him anymore.

He's the manager at my work.

I'm gonna see him tomorrow.

Oh, my God.

You know, I know how you--

well, I don't know how you feel.

But I mean, I've been pretty messed up too.

Like, you know, when I was a little kid, I had this pet pig.

His name was Piggles.

And you know, he used to follow me all around,

and he used to sleep in my bed with me.

You know, he would kind of like--

kind of like root up by my feet.

Anyway, you know, he followed me all around, you know.

And I taught him to fetch my slippers.

And I mean, he was like a brother.

He was like a little brother.

And he made a lot of noise.

Anyway, so one day, I had come home,

you know, from baseball practice, and there's food,

and there's rice all over the floor.

And then-- and there's Piggles.

You know, and I guess he ate all the rice,

and it just expanded in his stomach.

The little fella died.

And so did a part of me.

Not that that's at all what you're going through.

I mean, I-- I don't think that you have a pig, or ever did.

No.

I mean, it's kind of unique.

I'm Mark.

Sheila.

Sheila.

Listen, I know that this just happened.

Um, if you feel like you need to talk,

you know, or you just wanna get out, call me.

We'll go out and just talk.

So what's DFD.

That's Desert Fire Department.

You're a fireman?

Yes, ma'am.

Why?

Good question.

Um, I don't know.

It's not boring.

You know, money's decent.

I just-- I wanted to do something of value.

Right.

Oh, yeah?

Followed you, didn't I?

I'm not on fire.

I disagree.

Just call me.

OK, because I totally speak--

This is a complete waste of my time.

Hey, well, I'm in a coma, and we're searching

for a cure, light wounds.

I speak nine languages.

No way.

What is your intelligence?

14.

A thief with 14 intelligence?

I whip out my +2 short sword, walk up to that orc,

hock a big loogie in his face and say, "so you

wanna jack with the ripper?"

"Fine," I told the orc, but since everyone knows

he only speaks orc, he has absolutely

no idea what you're saying.

So Doleman, you shaved.

What's the occasion?

Yeah, well, I thought I'd go job

hunting after I win the game.

You're illusionist.

What about Kall Nasa ice cream?

I got fired.

I don't know.

Some stupid assistant manager.

I think his name was Cletus.

Like, that was actually his name.

It was Cletus.

So anyway, I'm getting an ice cream for this old lady.

And just as I'm handing it to her,

Cletus grabs me by the arm, makes me throw the damn thing

away, and then pulls me in the back

and starts yelling at me about how much ice cream I'm wasting.

Sh.

How many times do I have to tell you to scoop

off the top of the ice cream. - Yeah, but--

Listen to me!

You're wasting this company a lot of money.

It's not only my policy, but it's company policy!

MAN: So the name of the store is ice cream--

CLETUS: Actually, no, no.

That's [INAUDIBLE].. it means "cold nose" in Swedish.

MAN: You're kidding?

CLETUS: No, really.

[CHUCKLING]

Cold nose.

MAN: Wow.

CLETUS: Anyway, the jolly junky [INAUDIBLE]

is gonna be for next week.

It's a wonderful terrific flavor.

You should come back then. MAN: Well, I will.

CLETUS: That's great.

Is there gonna be anything else?

You want something else?

MAN: No, that's it.

OK, that'll be $2.95.

No way.

Yeah, totally absurd.

So what happened to the guy?

Oh, nothing.

He was all right.

But he had this huge chocolatey red welt on his head.

It was awesome.

Can you believe that guy, though, man?

If that were me.

You jack with the ripper?

No!

And I have +1 throwing daggers, so you

know they hit their mark.

Where did you get +1 throwing daggers?

From your mom!

Dude, man, why don't you try to get a job where Stu works?

Oh, what, at the bank?

Hell, yeah, man.

Dude, you'd be a natural there.

Yeah, what do you think about that, Stu?

Are they still hiring over there?

They hold interviews once a month.

Um, it's actually this Sunday.

You know what you should do?

Go to the corporate office this Sunday at 8:30,

and I'll just tell them you're coming beforehand.

I'm sure you'll get an interview at least.

Cool, right.

I'm there.

Where's-- where's the corporate office again?

Yeah, I'll write it down for you.

Forget this.

I'm taking the game over to Gigi's house.

So 8:30 AM.

That's rough.

[HONKING]

Hey, George.

Yeah.

Hey, George.

Come on in here, George.

Come on, George.

[HONKING]

Yeah.

All right.

Settle down, George.

It's your day, George.

One day, you'll have one of these just like this.

My mom started this for me when I was just born.

And there's not a year of my life that isn't in here.

Pretty cool, huh?

Here we go.

Uh-huh.

Oh, yeah!

Yeah.

Hey, congratulations.

Oh, no.

Oh.

OK, you sit.

Stay right there.

Stay right there.

No, George.

No, George.

No, George!

George.

Ugh.

God.

WOODS (VOICEOVER): This is George.

He has been my roommate and confidant

for quite a while now.

He's a survivor, like me.

[GUNSHOTS]

This is Charles Merchant, the man responsible for orphaning

young George.

When I first met George, he and his mother

were fleeing for their lives.

Fortunately, George got away.

His mother wasn't so lucky.

You are dead.

WOODS (VOICEOVER): From that day forward, George lived with me.

We made a pact.

Someday, somehow, we would avenge George's mother.

You're not even listening to me, are you, George?

Gemini, your IQ is soaring.

If it continues at this rate, it'll each 145 by month's end.

In other words, you're a flaming genius, Gemini.

And it doesn't hurt that the smell of freedom

is more vivid than it's been in years.

I told you, man, I'm a frigging genius.

How about we get babies and rent babies to single guys?

I'm sorry.

Because girls dig guys with kids.

I don't know.

It was like last week I was with little Tommy,

and this hottie walks up to me and she starts dialoguing me.

Dude, she was hot.

See, you know it had to have been the baby.

Because the truth is that, like, that rarely

ever happens to me alone.

Yeah?

Yeah, so what I'm saying is, we get an RV

and we fill it with as many babies

as we can from as many people as we know.

And then we drive it out to Furnace

Park and rake in a fortune.

I don't think people are gonna lend us their babies, but--

but that's great. Yeah.

OK, you know what?

You're-- you're absolutely right.

But check it out.

Puppies.

What about puppies?

We rent puppies, because girls dig puppies too.

So we drive to the entrance of the park,

and we rent some puppies to some single guys.

You're kidding me, right?

Well, yeah, I'm kinda half serious kidding.

Yeah.

Dude, it's all about the timing, man.

You know, you just gotta do the right thing at the right place.

I don't wanna hear this right now.

I don't wanna hear this right now.

Besides, if it was all in the timing,

nothing would ever happen, 'cause everyone

would be sitting around, waiting for the right time.

No, no, no. But that not what I mean.

I'm saying, you can make timing.

You can. You just gotta pay attention.

I don't wanna hear your stupid ideas right now.

Please, please.

Air supply.

Pull.

Yes, Yes!

WOODS (VOICEOVER): Last week, the pieces

of the puzzle came together.

I'd been looking at the bank differently for months now.

The bank stopped being the place I

showed up and forgot myself for a few hours

until it was time to leave.

It was a house of money.

I broke it into parts.

There are five places money is kept, all in cash.

One, the cash drawer.

It carries approximately 10,000 at a given time

and is counted daily.

Two, the ATM machine carries at least 40,000

and is counted daily.

Three, the mini-vault, a small vault behind the tellers.

Around 250,000 and counted daily.

Four, the vault. Mainly a storage facility

that could be carrying cashiers' drawers and other valuables

or maybe nothing.

Inventoried daily.

Five, safety deposit boxes, a potpourri of cash,

valuables, documents, and meaningless mementos.

There is no record of anything put in a safety deposit box.

Merchant's a customer at the bank.

He shows up about twice a month.

Sometimes, he brings his dog.

He's loaded.

He sells some kind of get rich quick package

on a TV infomercial.

He doesn't know who I am, but every time I see him,

I can feel the blood in my eyes start to boil.

Last week, he wants to see his safety

deposit safety deposit box.

So I take him around, and I ask if he has his key.

He looks at me for a second, then turns around.

He's fiddling with the dog's collar,

and I see in a reflection that the dog's

tag pops open like a locket.

And he turns around with the key.

I take my key, and we open his box.

And that was it.

Here was a box of unrecorded money.

I have one key, and this dog has the other.

[MOANING]

RICK (VOICEOVER): You look so beautiful right now.

SONG: Another love song.

And, well, the '90s, I'm happy they're gone.

RICK (VOICEOVER): We can be friends, right?

SONG: Join the ranks.

All I can say is, farewell and thanks.

RICK (VOICEOVER): You're this glorious bird.

SONG: Oh, baby.

Sorry to use you in such a vein, but that's what hurting can do

and it's a shame.

That pretty face will lose its charm.

I have the eye and you have the conchs.

Oh.

Stu, you think my ideas are stupid?

Did you say that? Look at me.

Did you say that?

Do you think that?

You know what?

Screw you.

Stu, you're being a dick, man.

You're starting to piss me off!

You gotta be kidding me.

You know what?

The next time you come home from work

complaining about how you hate everyone,

don't come looking for me.

Because-- because you're miserable.

You-- and you just sit with it!

Are you actually being serious right now?

- Well, I'm not kidding! - Tell me this, then.

When in your real life have you actually come

up with an idea that worked, that you

used to benefit yourself?

Well, at least I try to, man. Look at you.

You suck!

You want an idea that would never work?

I have 'em!

Yeah.

What's today, Friday?

When the bank closes on Saturday,

no one's in there again till Monday, right?

So if there was any cash missing,

no one would know about it for the whole weekend.

So what I think about is that I could

empty my drawer into my knapsack on Saturday when I close out.

No one would know about it.

You could get about $10,000, cruise to Vegas,

bet it all on black, one clean shot, double or nothing.

If win, replace all the money on Monday.

No one knows a thing about it.

If I lose, I become a fugitive or whatever.

But if I win, that's $10,000.

And then there's the mini-vault. I've thought

about the mini-vault too.

The mini-vault?

STU: The mini-vault. It's a small vault

behind the tellers that usually has over 200 grand in it.

It's for when people wanna withdraw larger sums of cash

from the teller.

And after Saturday, nobody checks

that vault again till Monday.

It takes a special key to open it.

This key's in one of the other tellers' drawers.

He leaves it in there about 50% of the time.

And every day at exactly 2:45, like clockwork,

Rick, the manager, takes his coffee break.

He orders a coffee and a slice of rhubarb pie

and flirts with the waitress until 3:00.

Sometimes, while he's on his break--

I think.

Screw it.

Right now, I could take $250,000 out of that safe,

put it in my backpack, go to Vegas and double it.

Hell yeah.

Hell yeah, dude.

That's it, man. We're there.

Dude, we're there.

No, that's the story.

No, that's the plan right there, dude.

How come you've never mentioned this before?

Look, calm down.

Even if you and I could sit down and figure out how to do this

perfectly, which you and I could never do,

I still wouldn't actually do it.

Yeah, but I'll help you.

I'll go in there with my backpack,

and you give me the money.

I'll take it right out of there.

If the timing's not right, then whatever.

I'll ask for a statement on my checking.

I'll split.

Max, I thought it was a cool idea that would never work.

Dude, we could make it all in one shot and get away with it.

We put it all on the line.

A good bet are when the odds outweigh the risk.

You know what that means?

This isn't the case here.

You're so wrong.

Dude, listen to-- what are you talking about?

Look, it's a story that would never work!

That's the way I started it!

That's the way it's gonna end.

The end.

Deposit.

Oh, hey, Mr. Merchant.

So where's the little pooch?

Flying a helicopter.

- Really? - No.

No, not really.

No.

He's at home.

Oh.

Of course.

So what-- what is she?

A miniature collie?

He is a Pomeranian.

Oh.

Oh, well, so that is as big as he-- he-- she--

it gets?

Apparently.

Up against a Jack Russell, who would-- who would win?

Because you can never really tell by the size.

I-- I've seen a fire ant go up against a wasp

like quadruple its size, and--

and--

And what?

And win.

That's very, very uninteresting.

Are we done?

Yeah, here's your receipt.

Thank you for--

WOODS (VOICEOVER): I have one key,

and this dog has the other.

Rick, sorry to disturb you, but--

Mr. Valley, what can I do for you?

Yes, I have to get going.

Hey, did you balance out drawer 4?

Uh, well, no, but--

I really need to get drawer 4 balanced out.

Well, I-- I understand, but see,

I had a doctor's appointment 20 minutes ago with a doctor.

And so I have to--

i have to go.

I understand, and-- and I feel your pain.

I do, but unfortunately, I need drawer 4 balanced out.

Sorry about that, chief.

All right.

I need the keys to lock up.

You're all finished?

Yeah.

All right, well, I guess we'll be OK with one teller.

All right, well, I'm outta here.

[CHATTERING]

I'll be fine.

[SHOUTING]

MAN: I need you to sign right here, please.

Hey, Stu.

MAN: 20, 40, 61.

20, 40, 68.

Thank you very much.

Have a nice day.

And how may I help you?

I'd like to make a withdrawal.

Why, what?

I just thought I'd give it a shot.

Man, there's nobody here.

Dude, the place is almost empty. - I told you, Max.

Look, no.

MAX: There's like nobody here.

No, look, Max, that's something that I told

you in confidence, all right?

Yeah, it's the greatest idea I think you've ever heard.

Max.

This isn't-- do you not listen to me?

All right. don't chastise me because I've got a dream

that you can't possibly--

STU: It's something that I think can't work.

[BEEPING]

See ya.

You're going-- you're leaving?

Yeah.

MAX: Now's the time.

This is just how you described it.

I mean, it's perfect.

[BEEPING]

Go!

[INAUDIBLE] Wow.

[INAUDIBLE] Wow.

Hey, Connie.

Hey, Rick.

I'll just have my usual.

Sorry, we just ran out.

You've, uh, got yourself quite a shiner there.

Yeah, well, you know.

Sorry, sweetie.

What are you doing? Stu, are you crying?

Seriously, drop 'em.

You're the king, dude.

This is the greatest thing I've ever seen you do.

Yeah, right.

Be happy.

Be happy about this.

Pick that up.

You happy?

Stu, are you happy?

And have a pleasant day!

Man, stop, Max!

What's up, Stuart?

Oh, hey.

[BEEPING]

Here's your keys, Rick.

Sheila.

Hi, I'm Charles Merchant.

On my sixth birthday, my father gave me a tricycle.

Then he got on a train and I never saw him again.

My mother was left without a job or a dime

to raise me and my five sisters.

We had nothing.

But by the time I was 22, I was a millionaire.

And today, I'm a millionaire many times over.

My tapes will tell you all you need

to know about making a great start in the profitable world

of real estate.

Is this you, stuck in some dead end job?

Well, this could be you.

And I will not only give you your dream job.

I will get you started for free.

Gee, Mr. Merchant, how can you afford to do that?

You must be crazy.

[CHUCKLING]

A lot of people think I'm crazy, Susan.

But I-- I guess I just like helping people.

Shiny teethed, fake tan lowlife piece of capitalist--

What are you chirping about?

Doleman, that's him.

That's the guy.

I spent $450 on those lousy clips.

They don't work.

I told you not to get those, Shmall.

Well, I will not let this rest.

He has wounded me.

But I will win the battle.

What are you talking about?

I'm gonna egg his house.

What?

After work.

It's that big fancy thing on top of the hill at Farrell.

Shmall, nobody eggs houses anymore.

That's ridiculous.

I'm bringing it back.

You wanna come?

No.

Fine, be that way.

[CHATTERING]

What?

Nothing.

Where are you going?

I've got more interviews.

We'll see.

Man, that was-- do you know what that was back there, man?

That was one part luck, one part timing, and two parts balls!

You were incredible back there, man.

Really.

I'll tell you what, I am very proud of you, Stuart.

I am.

You really-- true grace under pressure is what you exhibited,

man.

I am-- bravo, bravo.

You all right?

Will you look at me?

Are you all right?

Whoa, whoa.

Ah, that was close.

Oh.

Hey, you sweet thing.

Hello.

Hey.

You're just a sweet thing, aren't you?

Where's your daddy, huh?

Oh, you do tricks.

Yeah, where's your daddy?

Daddy's not home right now, huh?

Want your belly rubbed?

Like to get your belly rubbed?

Let me rub your belly.

Come on.

No, I'm not gonna hurt you.

[CHOMP]

[SCREAMING]

[GROWLING]

Let go!

[YELPING]

Let go!

Excuse me, sir.

Would you like to buy some cookies?

What?

GIRL: Would you like to buy some cookies?

What would I want a fucking cookie for?

I thought maybe you'd wanna eat 'em.

I don't eat cookies.

I eat little girls.

I puree them alive after I've hunted them down with my dogs!

[BARKING]

[SCREAMING]

[LAUGHTER]

Bitch.

Itchy, you're all wet.

[BARKING]

[SNAP]

Ow!

What is it, eh?

You're a mean little fella, aren't you?

Aren't you?

Yes, yes, yes.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

So tell me a little about yourself.

Well, uh, I like to hang out.

I like to watch TV and play D&D. You know, I really like to eat.

You know, stuff like that.

So what made you choose Boyds Mills Books?

Well, I don't know, man.

I just thought it'd be pretty kicked back, you know?

And besides, my parents want me to get

a job by the end of the week or else they're gonna cut me off.

Yeah.

But why are you here?

I'm the manager.

So in your opinion, what makes Dippin' Dots so special?

I-- I don't know.

Well, Dippin' Dots is the world's

most unique frozen desert.

And I always thought it was interesting that your ice cream

is flash frozen using a specially patented process,

giving it that individual dot consistency.

All those dots, little ice cream dots.

Crazy.

Like-- like what the hell are those?

They're like bugs.

Little ice cream bugs.

Well, I think your shirt about says it all.

This one, and oh, these.

This is unacceptable.

This one, this one.

And medium to large.

This one, these two, these here.

And these.

OK, Shmally, pick them up and do them right.

Tomorrow, if you put them in the right place the first time,

we won't have to go through this again.

Got it?

Yeah, I got it, asshole.

You wanna jack with the ripper?

This doesn't fit?

You wanna play?

It's fine.

Shmall.

Shmall.

Shmally?

Doleman.

What are you doing here?

Listen, I found something.

I really have to read to you. - Shouldn't you be--

I don't know, what was it again?

Oh, yeah, looking for a job.

I have been, man, but it wasn't going so well.

And besides, I don't think anyone's really hiring.

So anyway, check this out, all right?

"The farmer in the dell, hi, ho, the dairy-o,

the farmer in the dell.

The farmer takes the wife.

The wife takes the child.

The child takes the dog."

Doleman, your reading skills have much improved.

No, I'm reading this, and I'm telling

you there's something in it.

It's like one of those hidden message deals.

You just have to hear it.

Just bear with me, all right?

"The dog takes the cat.

The cat takes the mouse.

The mouse takes the cheese.

And the cheese stands alone."

"The cheese stands alone."

OK.

Don't you see?

Everyone's got something beneath them.

The dog has the cat.

The cat has the mouse.

The mouse has the cheese.

I was able to follow that.

But the cheese stands alone.

You know what I mean?

The cheese is totally screwed.

It's the bottom of the chain.

There's nothing worse.

But I mean, eventually something has to be at the bottom, right?

So soon enough, there's gonna be the cheese.

Wait till you start reading Curious George.

Now, that's an unpredictable monkey.

Forget it.

What happened here?

They committed suicide.

What about that?

I'm gonna get this one.

I'll ring you up at the front.

SONG: Why'd you have to go away?

I never got to tell you goodbye.

And time beats up on you.

Life is funny.

Life is strange.

You know I'm just trying to get by.

Money, honey, buys you things.

It can't buy a place in the sky.

And time beats up on you.

[INAUDIBLE] Time beats up on you.

[INAUDIBLE] Time beats up on you.

Stu. Stu, man.

Dude, you know who's playing here?

Yo, you know who's playing here tonight?

Rod Stewart, man.

We're gonna catch his show.

We're going to the Rod Stewart show.

Like, you love the faces, man.

Limited engagement.

We're in.

We're in hardcore. I told you.

I told you.

Can you smell it?

Can you smell the indulgence, Stuart?

The opportunity?

Can you smell That Rocking tonight, dude.

I'm going in my pajamas.

Oh, look. It's Stewie's room.

Wow, Stu.

How about that?

How did you-- thanks a lot.

Hey, by any chance, would you know

how we'd be able to meet women that, um-- well, never mind.

Look at this place, man.

Oh, what the hell.

Dude, we got some cash.

We might as well do it right.

I want you to sit down.

Hi. Who's this?

Purdy?

OK.

We would like to order a couple of shrimp cocktails, please.

Yes, two.

That's great.

And a New York steak, medium.

Uh, and french fries.

And a bottle of your most expensive champagne.

Great. Actually, you know what?

Make it two bottles.

Nice dinner, huh?

Hm.

Why did you wanna come here?

This is the bank Rick and I work at.

Oh.

You wanna talk about it?

Not really.

About three months ago, our ATM machine

got robbed by some hackers.

That's pretty wild.

Rick's supposed to have their codes checked regularly,

but he always forgets, so somehow someone broke in.

This stuff really happens, huh?

If it happens again, he'll get fired.

That's crazy.

Mark, I wanna rob this bank.

Doleman.

Dolemite, open up.

DOLEMAN: Just a sec.

What's up?

Are you sleeping already?

I'm tired.

I got an interview in the morning.

What's up?

Huevos la casa.

Wanna come?

Because it's dirty, 29,95.

Uh-uh.

I'm now gonna drop it to 28,97.

We got miles and miles of scraper

here [INAUDIBLE] Come on down! MAX: Don't give me that.

I want some chocolate mousse.

WOMAN: Yeah, me too!

[LAUGHTER]

Hey, Stuart.

Stuart, do you want some champagne?

Yeah?

[LAUGHTER]

So after we've eaten this sushi, Itchy will have duck.

Tell me, shall we have it basted on a spit

or sauteed with a little tamarind rind

and a prune glaze.

Come on.

MERCHANT: Ah, duck.

What a lovely duck.

You know, Itchy, I think I shall spend the rest of my life

killing and eating as many of them as I can.

And when I die, Itchy, there shall

be one final duck in my casket.

So that the whole world will know he loved duck.

What the?

[SPLATTERING]

[BARKING]

Go, go, go, go, go!

[BARKING]

[GUNSHOT]

[GROWLING]

Come on, Itchy.

Let's have some fun.

[BARKING]

Go left, go left!

Watch out, watch out!

[BARKING]

Itchy!

[COUGHING]

[BARKING]

[GROWLING]

Doleman?

[GUNSHOT]

[COCKS GUN]

[BARKING]

[GROWLING]

So you got a plan?

Going there and taking money from the ATM.

What about cameras?

I mean, aren't there cameras all over the bank?

Yeah, the cameras only record if the alarm goes off.

What is this?

Is this revenge?

Yes.

Yes, it is.

Against Rick.

You know, it's about the bank.

My life.

Do you care at all that this is illegal?

Honestly, who really considers not doing something

because it's against the law?

Sheila, I'm gonna take you away now.

[THUD]

[SCREAMING] - OK, no, no, no.

Let me in, let me in, let me in!

You out, out out!

[GROWLING]

[GUNSHOT]

Get in the truck. Get in the truck.

Get in the truck.

We're fucked.

I left the keys in the truck?

Oh, come on!

OK, OK.

Open the door, open the door.

[GUNSHOT]

[COCKS GUNS]

Itchy!

Itchy?

[BARKING]

[GROWLING]

Hello.

[BEEPING]

Hello?

Hello?

[BEEPING]

[BARKING]

Where you going?

We have 30 seconds.

I have to reset the alarm.

[GUNSHOT]

[CHUCKLING]

Can we get something up front?

Well, thank you, sir.

Yes, I've got the Goodfellas table waiting for you up front.

Terriff.

This guy's a legend, man.

Maggie May!

[CHUCKLING]

Look at it.

Look.

He's looking right at you, Stu.

He's waving somehow.

And can I get, like, two bottles of your finest champagne?

Thank you.

Hey, you're not Rod Stewart.

He's not Rod Stewart.

Rob Stewart.

He's a celebrity impersonator.

What are we doing here?

Look here.

I can't do this.

I'm gonna charge all this to my credit card.

I'm just gonna take all this back on Monday.

You know what, man?

It's your call.

You're the captain.

I wanna do it.

I wanna do it.

I know you do.

I really do, OK?

I-- this isn't a game.

This is our lives we're talking about.

I know.

I know, man.

But I'm saying, if you keep passing up opportunities

like this, you're gonna end up living

your life in a straight line. - No, that's-- that's bullshit.

Look, I'm talking about going to prison.

Yeah, I know.

And I'm saying that they're both prison.

No, quit conning me!

Don't-- I don't-- you don't know what prison is like.

I don't even know what prison is like.

ROB STEWART: If I stay here just a little bit longer, if I stay,

won't you listen to my heart.

I'm not conning you, Stuart.

I wouldn't con you, OK?

You know, no-- no, you're not conning--

no, you don't listen to me!

I'm not trying to get over on you.

You don't listen to me!

Just listen to me for one second, OK?

Listen, please, God.

OK.

However-- however mundane work might be hard,

right, at least we can go home and do

whatever we want to afterwards.

That's gotta be a hell of a lot better than prison.

- OK! - Yes?

Yes, I'm peeing--

I'm peeing in my pants too, Stuart.

Believe me.

I'm peeing in my pants.

But I'm seeing it like this.

You gotta take a chance, win or lose.

Sometime, somewhere down the line,

you're gonna have to take a chance, Stuart.

- I know, I know. - You know?

I just-- I don't-- I don't think I can.

That's it what it is.

OK, here's what I think.

Here's what I think.

And mind you, whatever you decide, I'm behind you,

all right?

But, like, seriously, dude, like everyone

with money in this country is boning over someone.

And that's the truth, you know?

Unless you've inherited it.

And then your parents did the boning for you.

But I don't know, Stuart.

I kind of-- I kind of feel like--

like we're the ones getting boned over.

Like we're the bonees.

And there isn't anyone out there that wants that any different.

So if you and I don't do anything to change that,

then it-- it's kind of like our lives were written for us.

And yeah, you know, we did what we did.

And we're a couple of fiends.

But you know what?

At least we're writing our own story.

I just don't know if I can.

Then that's all right, man.

It's cool.

Where are you going?

I'm gonna go back to the room for a while.

Oh!

Shouldn't we be leaving now?

I turned off the sensor.

So if anyone checks, the red light will still be on.

Oh, good.

Yeah, but we should probably stick around.

You know, in case anyone's--

Outside?

Yeah, you know.

Just for a couple hours.

This is the worst date I've ever been on.

Is this a date?

No, it's a felony.

[CHUCKLING]

I like you, Itchy.

You're a mean dog.

Mean, mean, mean!

Itchy?

Where's the key?

Itchy!

Where's the key?

[QUACKING]

The cheese stands alone!

SONG: You don't have a clue what it is like to be next to you.

I'm here to tell you that it is good, that it is true.

Birds singing a song, old paint is peeling.

This is that fresh, that fresh feeling.

Words can't be that strong.

My heart is reeling.

This is that fresh, that fresh feeling.

Try, try to forget what's in the past.

Tomorrow is here.

Love, warm sky above lighting your way.

There's nothing to fear.

Birds singing a song.

Old paint is peeling.

This is that fresh, that fresh feeling.

Words can't be that strong.

My heart is reeling.

This is that fresh, that fresh feeling.

[SNORING]

Black.

Black what?

We bet black.

SONG: Some people are good.

Yeah, yeah, wait up. Stu.

SONG: So pure and so free.

Stuart, wait up.

Shmally.

Shmally, you sleeping?

Doleman!

Oh, my god!

What the hell?

What happened to you?

I looked all over.

Really?

Yeah.

Where were you?

I got conked out in the desert.

But forget about that.

How do I look?

Great.

No, come on, Shmally. Help me out.

You gotta look at me.

You're a supermodel.

What do you think?

This is important.

I really need you to help me out.

Those the clothes you got at Harkers?

Yeah.

You think I can go to the interview like this?

You look good.

Seriously.

Don't sweat it.

Well, all right.

Come on.

I eat cheese.

I know you do.

I've seen you.

[BEEPING]

Hey, if I'm gonna do this, I gotta do it right now.

Are you sure you wanna do this?

I wanna show you what 40,000 looks like.

I wanna show you what 40,000 looks like.

I wanna show you what 40,000 looks like.

Yes.

Well, Stuart Stein speaks very highly of you.

Oh, he does?

Hm?

Uh, nothing.

Stuart Stein is a fantastic.

employee.

We are very fortunate.

We are very honored to have the likes of Stuart Stein.

14 red.

That's the third red in a row.

Odds seems pretty good on black.

Maybe we should bet now.

Yeah.

Everything's secure with the pit boss.

They've covered the bet.

Whenever you're ready.

Yeah.

You'll do this now?

Yeah.

$250,000 on black, please.

Good luck.

Working at Desert Savings Bank is a lot of fun,

but I assure you, it has huge rewards.

I like to think of it as a door.

No, I like to think of it as a door and a ladder.

You've got to stop fidgeting.

You open the door, you see a ladder.

And you climb up the rungs to success.

No, we can't open that door for you.

It's something you have to do for yourself.

But we can provide you with the key.

And what you do on the other side of the door is up to you.

What?

DOLEMAN: Nothing.

Are you ready to open that door, Doleman?

- Yes. - That's a yes?

Yes, yes.

Yes, I think I'm ready.

WOMAN: 13 black!

[CHEERING]

Black!

You all right?

You don't think we should've gotten here a little earlier?

No, no, no.

No, I don't wanna do anything suspicious.

I'm the first one checks the vault, so we should be good.

We should be OK.

All right, man.

Want me to wait for you?

No.

It's just like every other day, OK?

Pick me up later.

[SIREN WAILS]

[HEART BEATING]

[WHISPERING]

Stu Stein.

Stu Stein.

Stu Stein.

Stu Stein.

[WHISPERING]

We've been robbed.

Some punks, probably some hackers,

broke in and stole all the money out of the ATM

in the middle of the night.

Listen, just to be safe, I wanna inventory the entire bank.

I'd like you to go back and check your drawer,

check the mini-vault.

OK.

Great.

Get to it, sport.

Excuse me.

[RADIO CHATTER]

Units 3 and 4.

So this is the big one.

Is it?

Proud of you. - Really?

Yeah.

Yeah, well, I'm gonna go and try and blow 'em away.

Yeah. - Yeah.

- All right, get outta here. - You get outta here.

Excuse me. Who's Rick?

Whoa.

Whoa.

I'm--

Jesus Christ!

Can you help him with that?

Thanks.

Officer, could you just--

Hey, Rick.

Who are you?

Hi, Carter Doleman.

I think I'm supposed to start today.

Yeah, we've just been robbed.

Wow, that sucks, huh?

Look, Connor, I just don't think we're

gonna be needing anybody right now.

I appreciate your stopping by, but good luck.

OK.

Sure, so do you just want me to come

back tomorrow at the same time?

You know, same deal?

Or do you want me to--

Chief, get lost.

All right?

Jim, back with you.

I-- I think that--

well, we got it--

Jim.

You know where the lavatory is?

Yeah, it's over there.

Thank you.

You OK?

Yeah.

Ow!

Yeah.

Jim?

Woods, join me in my office a second.

Come on in.

Shut the door.

OK.

What happened to you?

Oh, it's a--

just a desert thing.

Nothing.

Great.

Have a seat.

Congratulations.

It looks like you might be the new bank manager.

Where are you going, Woods?

I quit.

Quit?

Hmph.

Ahem.

You're the new bank manager.

[LAUGHTER]

That's great, Rick.

You know what, though?

I've actually been-- believe it or not,

I've been thinking about quitting.

Congratulations, Sheila.

You're the new bank manager.

Hey, you deserve it.

You worked hard.

You are such an amazing woman.

Hey, maybe we could grab a cup of coffee or something?

Come on over to the condo and make fondue, like old times.

Oh, I would really love to.

I really would.

But I'm a glorious bird.

And I've got to fly.

I quit.

I will have the double Western bacon

cheeseburger with a large criss-cut fries

and a large criss-cut Coke.

And a garden salad.

And you know what?

Let me grab those fried zucchini thingies with ranch dressing.

MAN: OK, anything else?

How's the chocolate cake?

MAN: It's all right. - Yeah?

Cake me.

[MUSIC - TOM WILSON, "DIG IT"]

SONG: DJX is crying again.

Diesel travel, lovers and I don't wanna be a mover,

jockey, peeler, ghetto groover.

But I can suck her, super bad.

Dig it, dig it.

Dig it till the sun goes down.

Dig it, dig it.

Dig it till the sun goes down.

Dig it, dig it.

Dig it, dig it.

Dig it till the sun goes down.

Hit the beach and drop the bomb.

Never let the panic down.

Trip it, shaking, money, hype.

Tribal, grab it every night.

In the trench or on the ditch.

Dig it, dig it.

Dig it till the sun goes down.

Dig it, dig it.

Dig it till the sun goes down.

Dig it till the sun goes down.

Dig it, dig it.

Dig it, dig it.

Dig it till the sun goes down.

Hey, Dickman!

It's Doleman.

Doleman, you might wanna go back inside.

They might be looking for somebody after all.

Really?

Awesome, man!

Thanks.

SONG: Dig it, dig it.

Dig it till the sun goes down.

Dig it, dig it.

Dig it, dig it.

Dig it till the sun goes down.

Dig it, dig it.

Got it for you.

Thanks.

Let me just get that for you.

Sorry about the hassle.

There you go.

Agh!

[QUACK LAUGHTER]

SONG: I don't know.

I don't know.

Oh.

Come on.

So many ways to turn.

So many roads I can follow.

I try to find some direction, but my feet,

they grow so heavy.

Don't you know that it makes me crazy?

Oh.

Can't you see that it makes me crazy?

It's taking me over.

Don't you know that it makes me crazy?

And you know, and you know, can't you

see that it makes me crazy?

I can see clearly.

My body grows so weak.

And every time I try to make a decision,

I'm overwhelmed about what I might leave behind.

Don't you know that it makes me crazy?

Oh, can't you see that it makes me crazy?

It's taking me over.

Don't you know that it makes me crazy?

Whoa.

Can't you see that it makes me crazy?

Oh, no, no, no.

All those times that I've been lied to,

every time that I've been taken, I won't put myself on the line.

And I'm so very scared.

I'm scared blind.

Hoo.

Come on.

Don't you know that it makes me crazy?

Can't you see that it makes me crazy?

Oh, no, no, no, no.

Don't you know that it makes me crazy?

So many ways to turn.

Can't you see that it makes me crazy?

So many roads that I can follow.

Don't you know that it makes me crazy?

I try to find some direction.

Can't you see that it makes me crazy?

But my feet, they grow so heavy.

Don't you know that it makes me crazy?

Oh.

Oh!

Can't you see that it makes me crazy?

Yeah.

SONG: Well, I'm stuck here in Ohio.

And it's snowing on April Fools.

16, 16 and counting.

I feel like the only lonely one.

Hurry.

It's not too late.

Sorry, but I can't wait.

I can't wait to be with you.

I can't wait to be with you.

Thinking about all we'll do.

I can't wait to be with you.

Hurry, it's not too late.

Sorry, but I can't wait.