All language subtitles for The.Brokenwood.Mysteries.S11E06.An.Oades.to.Christmas.720p.AMZN.WEB-DL.DDP2.0.H.264-NTb

♪ In the velvet night

♪ Before the golden
light, you're gonna fall ♪

♪ You're gonna fall

Hey! Good. Johnny.

♪ Baby, strike a match
before it burns the ash ♪

♪ You're gonna fall

♪ Pull off the gloves,
then love knocks you over ♪

♪ Sucker punch feeling
drunk when you're sober ♪

♪ Lightning strikes before
the thunder arrives ♪

♪ You're gonna fall

Hey. Where's Frodo?

Busy with the Christmas rush.

- Ah! Okay.
- Todd.

- Johnny.
- So where are we going?

Brokenwood.

I have a date with destiny
and some unfinished business.

♪ I'll be the one knocks
you head over heels ♪

♪ And heels over heart

♪ You're gonna fall,
you're gonna fall ♪

Oh, and merry
Christmas, detectives.

Favorite time of year, huh?

If you say so, Frodo.

Hey, who doesn't like Christmas?

- ♪ Wish you a merry
Christmas - Oh, no.

Christmas is going to
be awesome this year.

- Plans?
- A family get together.

My half uncle Les is coming.

He's legendary.

Legendary for?

Well, it's more like
a myth, actually,

because I've never met him.

But, I mean, all I know is
he's a gardener and a poet.

A poet, no less.

And Johnny gets out
of prison today,

having totally mended his ways,

which bodes well for a
great family Christmas,

don't you think?

Family. It is indeed
what it's all about.

Yeah sometimes
Christmas can be stink.

But I've got a good
feeling about this year.

- Thanks, Frodo.
- Thanks, Frodo.

What are your plans
for Christmas Day?

I thought you hate Christmas.

Honestly, I don't.

Even though nothing
good ever comes of it.

I find I get
together in the city.

Cousins put down a hangi.

Lots of tamariki,
lots of laughter.

- Well, sounds...
- Great.

Too good to be true.

I'm just telling it like it is.

You want to come?

Um. Oh, yeah. No,
I'm busy actually.

Really?

Yes, really.

Oh, deceased out
on Saddler's Line.

There you go.

Someone's Christmas
just got ruined.

Yeah.

Hey, boss.

Hey, is that who I think it is?

Santa no less. Want
to sit this one out?

I know how you feel
about Father Christmas.

Huh. A lot of people
believe in Santa.

I, however, can
be more objective.

Hit and run?
- No obvious signs of injury.

In the middle of
nowhere. No vehicle?

No signs of a sleigh. No.

No reindeer, for
that matter, either.

Do we know who he is?

You mean who he
really is? Not yet.

But, uh, guess who drives
an ambulance these days?

- Is that...?
- Rhys Oades.

The one and only.

Rhys.

Long time no see.
- Detective. Hello.

New line of work?

I did everything
I could, I swear.

I'm not detecting any sinus.

And...

Clear.

Yeah, it's kind of just
been a nightmare of a day.

But you're okay now?

I just feel bad
for all the kids,

you know, like not getting
presents this year.

I can't be the guy
who let Santa die.

I don't know if
I can carry that.

I'm sure you did
everything you could.

Boxes are empty,
nothing of interest.

Hey, Mike.

Excuse me.

Oh.

Yeah. That's awkward.

Uh, Rhys.

Does the name Les Oades
mean anything to you?

Uh, no. I do have
an uncle called Les.

Apart from that, no.

Uh, Rhys, this gentleman has

ID would suggest that
his name is Les Oades.

- No way.
- You didn't recognize him?

No, I... I thought
that was Santa.

Uh, Rhys, what about now?

Uh, it's too hard to say.

When did you last
see your uncle?

Uh, I would have been,
like, 3 years old.

Yeah, apparently he used
to bounce me up and down

on the trampoline,

and one time, he bounced
me so hard I flew off,

hit my head into a power pole.

It was a concussion,
probably. I don't remember.

Hey, Rhys, why don't
we contact your dad?

He might have a better idea.
- Why?

Because he's your
uncle's brother.

True.

Really, I thought
that was Santa. Oh.

Rhys, do you want to maybe
sit down for a little bit

and have a drink of water?

Hi, Les. Mike Shepard.

Let's get you somewhere
more comfortable.

Out of the sun.

Hello, Mike.

A sad day for children
all around the world.

Indeed.

Uh, once Gina is finished,
let's get the road open.

Oh, what a waste.

Les. Les. Lessie.

- Long time, Bobby.
- Oh, it's so hard, mate.

It's just so bloody hard.

You can confirm that this is
your brother, Lester Oades?

As the day is long.
Oh, my heart is broken.

What the hell happened?

Uh, he was found
out on Saddlers Line

dressed in a Santa suit.

Oh, that'd be Les.
He loved Christmas.

Oh, well, nothing to be
done. Let's get him buried.

Mike.

Uh, there will need to
be a post-mortem first.

For?

To ascertain the cause of death.

Well, he's dead, mate. Gone.
That won't bring him back.

It's standard procedure
in any unexplained death.

Yeah, well, the thing is,
he was very clear that,

um, you know,

if, God forbid, he
was to be struck down,

he wanted to be
buried before sunset.

Before sunset?

As you know, I am but
a humble gravedigger.

And given my profession,
he confided in me.

And I said to him, "It
would be my honor, Les."

So I intend to fulfill
the pledge to my brother.

- He was a religious person?
- Could say that.

But he practiced some kind
of Orthodox Judaism or...?

Oh, practice, no. He
didn't really need to.

He was very good. So...

So your brother was Jewish
and yet loved Christmas?

Who said he was Jewish?

Judaism is the religion
followed by Jewish people.

Not solely.

- So he wasn't Jewish?
- He was a little bit.

- Oh, a little bit?
- Yeah.

Yeah, he was Jewish,
but mainly, um...

- Mainly?
- He mainly, uh, haiku.

- Haiku?
- As I recall it.

Haiku is a form of poetry.

Well, that's the thing.

He loved a good poem, Les.

And followers of haiku need
to be buried before sunset?

Some of them. Les
definitely did.

But, you know,
I'm grieving here.

My brother is lying dead,

and you are splitting hairs
over his religious afflictions.

I mean, do what you have to do,
but please don't muck around.

I have to bury my... my brother.

Gina, this is where
you get to work.

Yeah. I'll leave you to it.

Oh, Gina, did you
leave the key out?

Of course.

Thanks.

One moment.

Kristin.

A gift for you.

For letting me
stay in your house.

Jellied borscht with herring.

Ah.

I always felt
welcome in your home.

And I'm sorry about your sister.

What do you mean.

I'm sorry she's coming.

Well, Gina, she's my sister.

But you don't like her.

Um, I don't think
I ever said that.

It's not what you say.
It's what you don't say.

Herring all swimming
in the same direction

like chickens coming
home to roost.

You think you need to talk
to someone about this?

About what?

Your negative
response to Christmas.

I'm not negative.

I'm just saying that Christmas
has a way of bringing

out the worst in people.

- You would rather be alone.
- Who said I'll be alone?

Well, I just figured, given
that you have no friends...

I... no, I have friends.

You know what? I'm
sorry for sharing.

It'll just be me and
my sister this year.

You don't get along?

We get along fine. Yeah.

In fact, I'm really looking
forward to catching up.

Mm-hmm. No, yeah, I am.

Well, I'm sure if you say it
enough, it'll eventually sound

like you mean it.

Well, I mean, we have our
disagreements, but she's...

you know, she's been
a lot better lately,

so I am optimistic.

What's your name?

Nikki.

Well, if things don't
work out with Nikki,

you'll be more than
welcome at mine.

Oh, thanks, but
no, I'll be fine.

Les Oades didn't die today.

Highly elevated
levels of potassium.

Heart attack, Mike.
Quite boring, actually.

- Okay.
- But did you notice this stiff,

it is quite stiff, at
least 24 hours old.

So he died yesterday?

Maybe as much as 36 hours ago.

His body temperature was
very low, 13 degrees.

Unusual.

But then again, when you are
coming from the North Pole

- Or...
- Or...

it was a very cold
night last night.

Huh? Well, last night
wasn't particularly cold.

Worth a follow up tomorrow.

Well, just don't take too long.

He was a devout follower
of haiku, after all.

Yeah, so, um, I might just slip
away and grab a bottle of wine.

Bake some bread. Good
idea. I can finish up here.

Thanks.

Herrings. Yeah.

♪ Through the clouds and
the telegraph poles ♪

♪ The little farmhouses
up in the hills ♪

♪ Every valley shall
be lifted high ♪

♪ Every mountain
will fall, too ♪

♪ 'Cause I'm on my way to you

♪ On my way to you

Nikki?

Nikki!
- Yeah, baby. Working it.

Nikki, what the hell?

Kristin? Hi.

Johnny. Oh, my God.

Oh, my God!

Oh, wow.

What the hell, Johnny?

Okay. I did not know
that this was your house.

I didn't even know that
she was your sister.

Well, that is my kimono.

And I swear, I did not know
that this was your kimono.

Well, who else
would it belong to?

A Chinese person?

Kimonos are... Oh, you
know what? Never mind.

You have to leave.
- No, you can't kick him out.

He's my boyfriend.

He is a criminal.
I am a detective.

And that is my bedroom.

So what? We got
the wrong room.

I'm sorry. God,
just chill out, sis.

Sorry doesn't even begin
to fix this, Nikki.

It's okay. Sugarplum.

I know when I'm not wanted.
- Yeah. That's right.

No offense, but you are
not welcome in my house.

Why do you always do this?

- Do what?
- You rain on my parade.

This is about compromising
my professional integrity.

It's just because
I'm with a hot guy.

- Yeah. Hear that?
- Who just got out of prison.

Oh, we are so out of here.

Johnny, leave the kimono.

- Oh, yeah. Sure.
- No. Oh, my God.

Put your own clothes on
first and then leave.

You were wearing clothes
when you arrived?

- Oh, yeah. He was.
- Here's Johnny.

So hot.

How did you end up with
the likes of that guy?

Well, you haven't
changed, have you?

You still think
you're a cut above?

No, I don't think... Look,
I bought a bottle of wine.

Just let Johnny go,

and you and I can just
sit down and talk about...

Talk about what? How
you don't approve?

Why can't you just be
happy for me for once?

Let's blow this joint,
sugar plum fairy.

Hell, yeah.

Johnny, you need to
call your father.

- Is this some kind of trick?
- It's not a trick.

Are you going to
tell my dad or me?

Johnny, what are you, 5? Just
call him. He has some news.

You know, I came here
to be with family.

Because I know you need
this as much as I do.

I should have known it
was too much to ask,

but at least I have a family.

A new family, one that
actually cares for me.

What, the Oades?

Merry Christmas,
sis. Let's go.

Ew.

I could tell you
weren't satisfied.

So I have been working
my angles for you.

I took my fine tooth brush and
comb his body and found this.

Okay, that's...

Unusual bruising
in his scrotal area

consistent with a
mild electrical burn.

Given he had heart disease,

if the current
was strong enough,

it could well provoke
a heart attack.

That country road,
are you thinking...

Yes, perhaps Santa got his sack
caught on the electric fence.

The volt meter is at
a standard setting.

These things aren't fatal.

Unless it was repeated.

He was held on it.

Or, as Gina suggesting,
simply snagged.

Oh! Aaah!

Oh!

Hell of a way to go.

If so, why was he
crossing the paddock?

And where was he coming from?

Why did no one mention
he was missing?

Bobby, you remember DC Chalmers?

- How's it?
- Fine. Thanks, Bobby.

Some of my finest work.

Nothing but the
best for our Les.

Bobby, when did you last
speak with your brother?

I want to say the
night before last.

Saddler's Line is a long
way from most places.

Any idea why he was out there?

Well, it's not far from
Bill Tompkins' place.

The Tompkins being?

Bill and Darlene Tompkins.

They just bought the
estate out by the bay.

They just moved up from
the South Island last week.

Les was their live in gardener.

He was living with them
down south, as well?

Up in a high country station.

I mean, I haven't
seen him in years.

I mean, that's why it's so hard.

Hey, I mean, long
time no see, Les.

And now I'm digging him a hole.

So we can put him
in the ground, then?

Uh, we'll let you know.

G'day, gents. What
can I do you for?

- This is Mike Sheppard.
- Bill Tompkins, Esquire.

You hear about Les, I take it?

Yeah. We are.

Sad bloody business, I tell you.

We heard the news
through his brother Bobby

and are still processing it.

But would you like
to come inside?

Oh. Thank you.

Darlene! Oh, here she is.

- Yeah.
- Oh.

Now, these two
men are policemen.

- Oh.
- Got Sheppard and...

- Chalmers.
- Hello.

Hello.

They're here about
Les, of course.

Yes. Poor old Les.
It was quite a shock.

Oh. Would you like
to come through?

- Thank you.
- Tea? Coffee?

Oh, come on, darling,
it's the festive season.

Why don't we offer them
something stronger?

How about a beer, gents?

Or perhaps something
stronger than that?

Uh, no, we can't stay long.

Very nice place you have here.

Oh, she's a beauty.
She's a beauty all right.

I take it you've just moved in.

Bill and I recently cashed
out the farm down south.

That's right. We had 30,000
acres down to a mere 100 now.

Aren't we? Still
finding our feet.

And Les Oades worked for you?

That's right. He
was our groundsman.

Bloody good one, too.
- Plants were never really

Bill's forte.

Was strictly a
sheep and beef man.

I said, "No, we can get
rid of all that livestock,

but we can't let go of Les."

I mean, good workers
are so hard to find.

When was the last time
you saw Mr. Oades?

Oh, that's a good question.

When would that
have been, darling?

Uh, a few days ago. He
stuck to himself, mostly.

Lots of gardening and weeding.

- And mowing.
- Mowing?

Always bloody mowing,
wasn't he? In fact,

that's probably the only
time we ever heard him was

when he was on that mower.

He had his own
separate quarters.

Would you like to see?
- Uh, please.

Oh.

- Yeah.
- Thanks, Frodo.

I'm sorry to hear
about your uncle.

Half uncle. But, yeah.
Thanks. I'm gutted.

So that guy lost his uncle, too?

Weird.

So, um, you and Johnny
Oades are obviously close.

Sorry I didn't get
much sleep last night.

Don't.

Oh, after Johnny got the
news about his uncle,

we went back to his dad's place.

Oh, the bedroom was to die
for. Egyptian cotton sheets.

I wouldn't have picked
Bobby Oades for someone

with a penchant
for high end linen.

Oh, it was, like, the
most amazing place.

And, um, how in God's name
did you meet Johnny Oades?

He kept to himself in here.

Oh, Les loved poetry. Writing
it and quoting it all the time.

He loved all the
greats, didn't he?

Uh, Tennyson. Keats.
Wordsmith. Milton and Keynes.

Oh. What do we got here?

"He was an old woman from Blunt
who swore she was not an old..."

Goodness me.

Not quite sure where he was
going with that one, but...

He was a bit cheeky.
He was so much fun.

- He was.
- And you definitely didn't see

Mr. Oades in the
last few days?

I can't say we did.

He came and went as he pleased.

Bobby said he had
a heart attack.

Mm. Although curiously, he was
found wearing a Santa suit.

- Oh, that'd be Les, wouldn't it?
- Oh, Les loved Christmas.

He was so looking forward to it.

And I guess he was walking home,
and his heart just gave out.

Well, that's what happens when
you have so much heart to give.

Mm.

There's no problem,
is there, fellas?

Uh, not that we're aware of.

So we'll see you both
at the funeral then?

- It's not really our place.
- Oh, no. You must come along.

We'd really appreciate
it, wouldn't we, Darl?

The more the merrier.
- He was such a loner.

It'd be nice to have
a decent showing.

It would, yeah.

We're helping out his
brother Bobby with it.

Funeral costs these
days can be...

And we need to farewell
him before Christmas.

It's good for the family.
- That's right.

We'll see how things pan out.

How do you think that went?

Nailed it, Bobby, to the wall.

Those two cops are dumber than
a box of hammers, I tell you.

I'm so in love with you.

- And I you.
- You got me running hot.

Take me upstairs.

- I need some ass, Bobby.
- Yeah. No, go for it.

Alrighty. Hey, I got
your back, all right?

Keep your eye on
the prize, Bobby.

Bye, Bobby.

All good then.

Did they say why he was walking
out in the middle of nowhere?

They did.

That was Les. Loved to
walk, didn't he, Bill?

Oh, he did indeed. He
was unstoppable, really.

Loved walking, loved poetry,
loved mowing the lawns.

What else did the legendary
Lessos love to do?

- Singing.
- He loved singing.

In fact, he did mention he
was going to sing karaoke

at some pub he'd heard about.

That's right, the
Cobra and the Pussycat.

- Crocodile and Panther?
- That's the one.

Yes, yes, that was
his thing, wasn't it?

Loved to belt out a tune, Les.

- A singing Santa.
- Secret singing Santa.

Did a Les Oades
come here dressed

as Santa to sing
karaoke two nights ago?

Oh, secret Santa, you
mean. I'm no narc.

Trudy, it's a simple question.

And it's a simple answer.

I'm no narc because I don't
know the bloke's name.

He just wanted to sing,
so he gave it a go.

All together! ♪ Jingle
bells, jingle bells

♪ Jingle all the way

♪ Oh, what fun it is to ride
on a one horse open sleigh ♪

Hey!

Reckon he'd come back
again the next night.

Didn't show up.

Given what we know, you
gonna release the body?

I guess we have to.

Oh, then you two
should go to church.

- Because?
- Bobby Oades' brother

was found dead in a Santa suit.

Do you need a better reason?

Are you okay?

Oh, yeah.

How was your sister?

Um, yeah, she was
her usual self.

♪ Noel, noel, noel, noel

- Who's that with Johnny?
- Don't ask.

- Do you know her?
- I said don't ask.

And so we are gathered
to pay our respects

to Lester Edwin Oades.

Or as many of you
here refer to him,

Uncle Les or half uncle Les.

Here at Saint Jude's,
we're a broad church,

and I'm told that Lester was
a committed follower of God

as a Christian haiku Jew.

And for that reason,

there is a certain
urgency to this service

in order to meet
certain bespoke customs.

And so, without further ado,

let's hear from those who
knew and loved Lester.

Bill and Darlene.

Well, firstly,

can I say that we are brand
spanking new to the district,

and, um, well,

a tragic event like this
has just been a great way

to meet people, hasn't it, Darl?

And everyone's
been so supportive.

Uh, haven't they?
- Yes, they have, Bill.

And we don't know you,
and you don't know us.

But we all knew Les,

so we thought we'd share
with you the one thing

that Les loved the most.

His love of words.

His poetry.

Yes, um...

Les wrote us a wee poem for
our recent wedding anniversary.

And it goes a little
something like this.

"Darlene and Bill,

Bill and Darlene, the happiest
couple the world's ever seen."

"When the sun rises,
we call it dawn.

Let me forever mow your lawn."

That summed up Les. Really
the way he mowed my lawn.

He just took so
much pride in it.

He did.

It was nothing
short of immaculate.

You with the angels now, Les.

Thank you, Bill and Darlene.

And now Bobby.

Les. Les.

Lessie.

He was a good man.
He loved poetry.

He loved the land.
He loved children.

Though he couldn't
have any of his own.

Unlike myself, I'm up to 13 now.

13 beautiful children
to 10 incredible women.

Oh, but some people
would say to me,

"But, Bobby, that's
an unlucky number."

I say no!

The gift of life can be a
baker's dozen, can't it?

For the making of life is like

the rising of yeast
and flour, eh?

Every time I had a new
baby, I used to say to Les,

"This one's for you, brother."

Another little tyke to
put a smile on your dial.

But he smiles no more.

But death, that's life.

Hey.

Godspeed, Les.

All right, fellas,
let's get on with it.

Johnny.

Sorry. Do you mind
giving us a hand?

Just...

So your cousin Rhys is
with Lena Branson now?

Oh, yeah. It's early days.

This was their first date,
but he's got high hopes.

We are off to the wake. You're
not invited, by the way.

- I'll cope.
- Bye, detective.

Bye, sis.

Sis? Okay, wow.

Please don't.

What is wrong with the
women in this town?

Let's get out of here.

Ah! Good job done, son.

Now let's go and
have a beer for Les.

For Les?

Oh, yeah. For sure. Right.

Come on.

From the moment that
Bobby Oades found out

about Les's death,

he's been in a blinding hurry
to get his brother buried.

Why?

But death, that's life.

He killed him?

Why would Bobby Oades
want to kill his brother?

There was something
in the will for him?

I recall Bobby was a
will hunter, you know.

He was disgruntled when there
was nothing left for him

when his ex-wife died.

Maybe Les promised
him something.

He got impatient.

Or it was an accident and
he tried to cover it up.

So he sees him out
on Saddler's Line

dressed in a Santa suit,

gives him a shove against
an electric fence,

knowing he has a
heart condition.

Leaves him to die.

Or he panicked.

But all this unfolds
on the same day

that his son Johnny is
released from prison.

Chalmers, follow
up on Les's will

and keep an eye on Bobby.

Sims, likewise
with Johnny Oades,

where he's living, who
he's hanging out with,

what's his relationship
with his uncle?

Yeah, sure.

Actually, Mike, can
I have a quick word?

Of course.

When did you know this?

Night before last.

Yet you went to the funeral
under my instructions.

Well, yeah, but...

- This was an investigation.
- Well, hardly.

Well, you weren't there for fun.

Believe me, there
was no fun involved.

Watching my sister
draped on Johnny Oades.

Case in point.

When...

How did she become
involved with him?

Yeah, well, that's
the bit that hurts.

I mean, you were
always banging on about

how I needed to stop
being so me focused,

so I got community minded.

I became a prison visitor.

She wouldn't be the first
person to fall that way.

But of all people.

You do realize that I
require you to step aside.

- Mike.
- Sorry, Sims. Rules are rules.

Go home.

Take special leave
until this blows over.

Kristin, I know this must
be uncomfortable for you.

Like you wouldn't believe.

Hi. Could I get a
vodka tonic, please?

Double.

Are you sure.

This is a bar, isn't it?

You know, we've
only just opened.

Oh, well, then it's a
win win for both of us.

- Day off?
- Something like that.

Okay. I'll bring it over.

Is it the pressure of the job?

Thanks, Lena, for your concern,

but, um, I'm not an alcoholic.

They all say that.

I'm not they. I'm just, um...

I'm on leave, that's all.

So can I still lay a complaint?

A complaint about what?

Sexual assault.

- Did Rhys...
- Oh, no, no.

Rhys is a sweet guy.

I mean, he's not
Chad, but he's nice.

A bit weird, but
nice, and he wouldn't.

Yeah, 'cause, Lena,

sexual assault is a
very serious accusation.

I know.

Especially when they're
dressed in a Santa suit.

So, um, who was dressed
in a Santa suit?

Bill Tompkins. He came in
here last night for the wake.

I enjoyed our date.

Do you want to do
it again sometime?

Maybe not a funeral next time.

Uh, sure.

Yeah, maybe like a ride
in my ambulance or...

Okay.

Yeah. Not everyone
dies, you know?

Sometimes I do get them to
the hospital, and it's okay.

That's reassuring, I guess.

Look, I can show you the,
um, the heart zapper thing,

and, uh, I know
how to do CPR now,

which is like mouth to mouth.

Yeah, I mean, yeah...
Sorry. You know, um...

It was sweet, but
then he arrived.

Mostly cheese. Just
eat a lot of cheese.

Well done, Rhys.

You've been a rock
for the old man.

I tell you, a rock.

Oh, um, this is, uh, Bill.
He's my Uncle Les's boss.

And this is Lena. My, um...

Pleased to meet you, Lena.

Bill Tompkins, Esquire.

I think I might wrap my
laughing gear around another.

Wrap your laughing
gear around that.

And that's when I
knew it had to be him.

So you're saying
that Bill Tompkins

was dressed in a Santa suit?

And what did he do?

Trudy, can we use
your back room?

Yeah. Um...

Everyone was having
such a good time.

They thought he was awesome.

♪ Dashing through the snow
on a one horse open sleigh ♪

♪ O'er the fields we go,
laughing all the way ♪

Ho ho ho.

I took a toilet break and...

Wrap your laughing
gear around that.

Oh, my God.

He exposed himself to you?

So disgusting.

Why didn't you tell me?

I didn't want to lose my job.

Oh, why would you think that?

Everybody was loving his singing

and buying lots of drinks.

I would not have blamed you.

He said... He
said I led him on.

Now, that was a tasty
little smile you gave me.

♪ Laughing all
the way Ho ho ho!

No, a smile does not mean...

Trudy is right, Lena.

You did nothing wrong.

Oh, hon. Hey.

Lena, I'm going to
need you to speak

to my colleague, DC Chalmers.

- But why not you?
- It's complicated.

But I told you.

Yes, and that was the
right thing to do.

But I'm having to
take some time off.

What have you done?

Nothing. It's a technicality.

But you'll need to
tell him everything.

There's a process to follow,

but DC Chalmers is...
he's a really good guy,

and he'll take the
appropriate action, okay?

Okay. Thanks, Trudy.

Appropriate action, my ass.

I'll sort that
deviant out myself.

Promise me you won't mention
he who shall not be named.

I wouldn't dream of it.

Then what's so important?

Okay, I'll put it like this.

The red breasted robin has
been trying to poke his beak

into the fledglings nest.

The red breasted robin.

Are we talking in code,

or have you taken up bird
watching in your downtime?

Yes and no. Okay.

Someone wearing a red suit has
been behaving inappropriately.

Then why don't you
just say what you mean,

and I'll pretend
you never said it.

Okay. Great. Works
for me. So...

Way to go, hon.

Beat that, Bobby.
Oh, here we go.

Bloody beautiful.

Oh, what the hell?

You may be rich, mate,
but that doesn't give you

the right to stick your mitts
where they're not wanted.

What the hell do you
think you're doing

coming onto my land
here? Private property.

Preying on young women,
you sick bastard.

What the hell are
you talking about?

You touch my worker again,

I will stick this where
the sun don't shine.

Easy does it, Trudes.

Don't Trudes me, Bobby Oades.

Some natural justice
is due around here.

- Now, now, now. Hey!
- Just mark my words.

If you come near her again,

this club will be hitting
more than just golf balls.

- Geez.
- Put the club down, Trudy.

And it won't be a
statue. It will be yours.

Hey, just settle
down, girlfriend.

I feel sorry for
you. He's all yours.

Don't screw it up.

Hey.

Mr. Tompkins.

I need you to come
to the station

and answer some questions.

Bill, it's alleged that
you assaulted Lena Branson

in the toilets of
the Croc and Panther

on the evening of the
19th of this month.

No, no, no, that wasn't me.
I think she's mistaken there.

No, Mrs. Branson
is in no doubt that

you exposed yourself to her.

You even referred to your
member as Brother Tompkins.

The only person who
would have been in

the Croc and the Panther that
night dressed in a Santa suit

is Lester Oades.

Now, let you in on a little
secret here, detective.

What's your first
name? Daniel?

Daniel, I can't sing,
mate. I'm tone deaf.

Deaf as a door nail.
♪ Amazing grace

♪ How sweet the sound that
saved a wretch like me ♪

- Sit down, Mr. Tompkins.
- ♪ I once was lost

♪ But now I've found

And you're sure it was him?

Okay. It's hard to tell
without the Santa suit.

Look, I've changed my mind,
fellas. I want to see a lawyer.

Okay?

♪ This the wild west,
ain't nothing civil ♪

♪ Don't let them catch
you when you lackin' ♪

♪ The boys is coming

- Hold it.
- ♪ The boys is coming

Well, this is an unusual case.

A man dressed in a Santa suit

accosts a young woman
in the bathroom of a...

Well, let's face it,

a less than salubrious
drinking establishment,

which in itself is
unacceptable behavior.

And if I thought my client
here was in any way involved

in said behavior, I wouldn't be
here because I don't take cases

I think I can't win.

I simply say, "You're
on your own, sunshine."

But I haven't said that,
because I don't think that

Bill Tompkins...
- Esquire.

Esquire, is a man of means of

integrity, generosity, of class.

Is there anything
you want to add?

Nothing other than to
say I'm angry, Dennis.

Absolutely livid.

As a man of sheep
and beef background.

I know better than
most that mud sticks

and it's very
difficult to get off.

Detectives, this appears
to be a simple case of

mistaken identity because my
client is accused of doing

something untoward in disguise.

That disguise being
Father Christmas.

I've never worn a
Santa suit in my life,

and I'm sure as hell not
going to start now, Dennis.

Do you have a positive
identification?

Can you see the man
you claim to be,

Bill Tompkins, in this lineup?

It's too hard to tell.

We have a verbal claim that
the offender is Bill Tompkins.

Brother Tompkins.

That's what he referred
to his member as.

Come on, detective.

It's not unusual for a man to
personify their compatriots.

Big Bill Broonzy.
Wild Bill Hickok.

Little Tommy Tompkins.

Not one that I would
use, but nevertheless.

Well, let's face it. If I
was to dress up as Santa

and run around the neighborhood
stealing presents off small,

unsuspecting children and
calling myself Mike Shepherd,

who's to say that I wasn't you?

And so, through the
moonlight lane she goes.

And far into the moonlit dale.

And how she ran
and how she walked

and all that to
herself she talked

would surely be a tedious tale.

You're saying the
complainant made it up?

No, no. That's Wordsworth. I've
always quite liked that one.

Wordsworth?

Are you a fan of poetry,
as well, Mr. Tompkins?

No, no, no, no, not at all.

No, no, I don't
have time for that.

No, that's just stuff old
Les used to warble on about,

you know?

In fact, my estimation of
Les has somewhat diminished,

given that he was clearly
besmirching my name.

Gentlemen, good day.

- Dennis.
- Hm?

How long have you
known Bill Tompkins?

Oh. I've met him as of today.

Charming man. Insanely wealthy.

Invoicing will be a
pleasure, I'm sure.

Given I hardly raised
a sweat in here.

You made my job easy
today, detective.

Hello, Darlene.

Oh, hi. Oh, you're a free man.

We need to talk.

- Okay. Yeah.
- Okay.

- You're kidding.
- Yeah.

Lena couldn't make
a positive ID.

- On what?
- On his face.

Well, yeah,

but I bet if you got him to
strip down and take out his...

Okay, I don't think that
would be appropriate, do you?

Look, we'll keep on it. I
just wanted you to know.

We'll keep on it.

Are you expecting someone?

No.

I'm not here.

Gina.

I've heard about
you being fired.

I brought you rassolnik.

Ah. Well, I haven't been
fired. I'm just on leave.

I understand. You can't
say it out loud yet.

What's ressel-neck?

Uh, pickled cucumbers,
barley, and beef kidneys

to fortify you
against depression.

Oh.

Gina, I'm not here.

Oh!

Gina, why are you
holding a sleeping bag?

I knew you liked me to sleep
over to keep you company

through this crisis.

But I see you've got company.

Oh, no. It's not
what you think.

When you see a
bear in the woods,

and he's wearing a bearskin
hat, be sure he's still a bear.

I don't know what that means.

Gina, good to see you.

Hey. Hang on. Where
are you going?

Keep an eye on her.

Don't worry, I can stay.

Well, I thought you said the
girl wouldn't say anything.

There was always
a chance, I guess.

- We need to shut it down.
- We will, won't we, love?

Honey, would you like
another pink gin, darling?

Oh, God, I just love Christmas.

Um, you wanted to see me?

- Uh, yeah.
- Rhys, come in.

Oh, God. Come in, love.
Come in, come in, come in.

Have a seat. You
like this place?

It's gorgeous, isn't it?

- It's very big.
- Yeah.

The problem is this
whole place disappears

if your girlfriend
starts accusing me

of things I haven't done.

So we need you to
put her straight hm?

Um, I'd like to say something.

Um...

Uh, if you did
molest my girlfriend,

then that is not okay.

Molesting is wrong.

Oh, well, the thing is, Rhys,

um, there's something that
you really need to know,

and, um, once you know it,
you can't un-know it, eh?

Why was Bobby Oades playing golf

with Bill and Darlene Tompkins?

Yeah, I asked him that.

Is Bobby Oades a
friend of yours?

No, no, he came by to
pick up Les's clubs.

Mm. In his will, were they?

Uh, I don't know.

Les loved golf as well as
everything else, I take it.

Well, Les loved a lot
of things, you know?

Although perhaps not travel.

Les never had a passport
and no driver's license

and no previous either.

Hm. He also has no
will. Died intestate.

So there's no motivation
there for Bobby.

It's almost as if
Les didn't exist.

And for the record,

Bill Tompkins is not on
the sex offenders register.

But making incognito
appearances as a secret Santa

is something he's done before.

Uh, "Widely believed to be
station holder Bill Tompkins.

But when approached,
Bill declined to comment,

saying, 'The point of secret
Santas is to never tell.'"

What if Bill Tompkins has done
what Lena's accusing him of?

He somehow gets Les Oades

to dress up as Santa, shoves
him into the electric fence,

thereby deflecting blame?

It wasn't me. It was Les.

Bill's dirty secret goes
to the grave with Les.

Which means that Bobby
Oades has been playing golf

with his brother's killer.

Unwittingly, we presume.

There's one way
to smoke him out.

No one home.

- Yeah.
- Bobby.

DC Chalmers. We have an
urgent matter to discuss.

Uh-huh. Well, I'm
a bit indisposed.

As I said, it's urgent.

Well, I'm at Bill
Tompkins' place, so...

Again?

I'm picking up the rest
of Les's belongings.

We'll meet you there.

Exhume the body?

So why would you
want to do that?

So we can compare
dental records.

- With who?
- With Lester Oades'

dental records.

To be sure it's him.

I mean, I saw him
dead on the slab.

Why wouldn't it be him?

It's possible the wrong body
was placed in the coffin.

Oh, well, that's a bloody
shambles, isn't it?

Well, who did we bury?

Well, hopefully your brother.

If not, I'm sure
you'd like to know.

Well, I mean, I mean,
he's dead, isn't he?

I mean...
- You'd want to be sure,

though, wouldn't you, Bobby?
- Yeah.

- Of course.
- Sorry.

I'd hate you to waste your time,

but I don't think Les
ever went to the dentist.

How would you know that?

Oh, I think he mentioned it
one time, didn't he, Bill?

That's right. Yeah, I
remember him saying that.

I remember him saying,

"Darlene, I've never
been to the dentist."

To the dentist. Yeah.

And then I said, "Oh, geez, Les,

you should really
get on to that."

That's right. There
you go, fellas.

You'd be wasting your time.

Oh, we did an x-ray
at the post-mortem.

We simply compare those
to the body in the ground.

Oh, well, even so,

you can't go digging people
up out of the ground.

That's not very nice, is it?

But if the wrong person
was in the ground,

you'd want it to be remedied.

Is that legal, though?

Well, if you have a
license for an exhumation.

Yes, it is.

I mean, you want me to
dig up my own brother?

No, we've booked a grave
digger from Riverstone

to come over first thing.
That way, we can be discreet.

Well, no, it should be me

because he needs to
be shown some respect.

Oh, no. We couldn't ask
you to do that, Bobby.

Anyway, have a nice
day, gentlemen.

Ladies.

Nikki, right?

Yeah.

See you soon, Johnny.

Not if I see you first.

Texas, we have a problem.

Fellas, a word, please.

Hey, is something wrong?

Nothing that Les can't handle.

He'll sort it.

But Les is dead.

Did I say Les? Oh.

Silly me, I meant Bill.

Bill will sort the cops.

♪ When the rooster crows

♪ That old boy already
knows you're gonna fall ♪

♪ You're gonna fall

♪ When the shadows climb,
you'll already be mine ♪

Hey. So, um...

sometimes what we
see is different

to what we think we see.

Oh, God.

♪ You put up to
keep the pain out ♪

♪ Flag high and kiss
your ass goodbye ♪

♪ You're gonna fall

♪ You're gonna
fall into my arms ♪

♪ You're gonna fall

Rhys, you idiot.

♪ I'll be the one got you
head over heels and heels ♪

♪ Over heart, you're gonna
fall, you're gonna fall ♪

What the hell have you
done with my brother?

Casket was empty
when we exhumed him.

Well, I told you, you hire a
monkey, you'll get peanuts.

You don't know
anything about this?

- Why would I?
- Nothing to do with haiku?

I don't know, I'm
not part of them.

But what I do know is my
brother has been desecrated,

and I'm bloody angry.

And I'm holding you responsible.

So what are you
going to do about it?

We'll find him, Bobby.
You can count on that.

And when we do, I'm
sure many things

will become a lot clearer.

Sorry for any distress
this may have caused.

Um, sometimes. You know
what... What the...

What we see is different to,
like, what you didn't see.

Um, you know, I
once saw a rainbow.

And then when I got
there, it was, like, gone.

Rhys, I have no idea what
you're talking about.

Oh, okay. Um...

I thought you were going
to take me for a ride

in your ambulance.

Yeah. Yes. No.
Totally. Totally.

Absolutely. Well, yeah.
This is the ambulance.

It can go from, like, anywhere
between medium fast to fast.

Um, it's yellow.
Uh... Oh, this is fun.

Do you want to press this
button? It does like the lights.

Which... I don't know,
you probably can't see,

but, um, this one
is like sirens.

Sorry.

I bet that feels amazing,
when you turn that on

and all the cars have to
pull over to let you through.

Yeah. Yeah, it feels
pretty powerful.

Um, yeah.

But you just have to
be responsible with it

and, um, show good leadership.

Do you want to see the back?
- Yeah.

Um, so, uh, this is where
I, um, put the patients.

Um, you know,

once I've assist them,
given them their first

initial life saving treatment.
- Oh, my God!

Is that a dead person?

That's a... that's a patient.

Um, I should probably
take him to the hospital.

Um, sorry.

Do you think we could check
the rain on this date later?

Uh, Rhys, there is a dead
body in your ambulance.

Yeah. Please don't jump
to mis-conclusions.

I have seen a dead
person before, Rhys.

I'm sorry. This
feels really weird.

You're actually quite weird.

Oh!

- What the hell, Johnny?
- Where have you been?

I was on a date,
actually, which was going

pretty well until this.

Oh, it looks like you got
a problem there, Rhys.

How is this my problem?

Possession of a dead
body is 9/10 of the law.

I never said you
could use my wheels.

I never asked.

Uh, where the hell
have you been?

Oh, no. No, don't you start.

Why is there a dead
body in my ambulance?

It's a necessity, Rhys.
The cops are being nosy.

And no one would expect
to find a dead body

in an ambulance now, would they?

Now, did you have a chat
with that girlfriend of yours

about how I'm not the bad Santa?
- No, I didn't get a chance.

So we have some
housekeeping to do.

No, sorry.

No, I don't want
to do this anymore.

You will do as I say, Rhys!

You owe your Uncle
Les some generosity.

Now, what about all those
poems that I sent you when

you were in prison that
you pretended were yours

so you could impress
that other girl?

How did that work out for you?

- She killed my mum.
- That's right.

So do as we say, and you might
just stay out of trouble, Rhys.

Okay, Lena, I'm going
to show you a photo.

It may be a little confronting,
but we need to be sure.

The body that you saw, did
it resemble this person?

Yes. Yeah. That's him.

And you're sure, huh?

And I think that's the
guy from the toilets.

The man who assaulted you?

Yeah.

♪ Silent night, holy night

♪ All is calm, all is bright

Come on! We know this!

♪ Round yon virgin
mother and child ♪

That was a, um...

tasty little smile you gave me.

Put out a 10-1.

No way.

Out of the cab, Rhys.

You've had a busy day.

Not particularly.

Chalmers.

Wait here.

Rhys, where's the body?

♪ Maybe a two time

♪ Maybe a four, seven,
eight or even more ♪

♪ Could be worse
off, could be worse ♪

♪ Fat chance is growing thin

♪ But even David had his sling

♪ Could be worse
off, could be worse ♪

I'm not sure I can do this, eh.

- What?
- What do you mean

you can't do it? You
can't back out now, mate.

Look, I've already been
in trouble for misuse

of human remains.

It's not misuse, Johnny.
It's laying a bloke to rest.

Absolutely.

That doesn't look very restful.

Look, his dying
words to me were,

"Les, please, I want
a burial at sea."

And that's why we
dug him up, Johnny.

I thought we'd dug him
up because he wasn't you.

Yeah, that and to give
the guy some peace,

to give him what he wanted.

Also, if there's no
body in the ground,

there ain't no crime,
is there? Are we good?

I'm only going to say this once,

but this just stays
between the three of us.

All right? Understood?
- Got it, Johnny?

Loose lips sink ships.

- Yeah, I got it.
- Right.

♪ Feeling low down and sick

♪ But some things
penicilin can't fix ♪

♪ Could be worse,
could be worse ♪

♪ My paycheck could be
rolling in reverse ♪

♪ Could be worse,
could be worse ♪

Right, on my count.

One. Two. Three.

- Oh.
- Ooh, far out.

Yeah.

All right, let's get
on with Christmas, eh?

Yes, I've explained all of that.

I will do all the talking.

We'll have this wrapped
up in a jiffy, Bill.

Rhys, how can you afford a
lawyer like Dennis Buchanan?

Dennis said I'm not
supposed to talk without him

present, so just... yeah.

It's not part of
our investigation.

It's just a simple
question. I'm curious.

Well, I do have a job.

It doesn't pay a huge
amount, though, does it?

And Dennis is pretty expensive.
- Yeah. Um...

Hey, do you think

maybe we can talk somewhere,
like, a little private?

It's fairly private
in here, Rhys.

Yeah. Um...

Well, uh, Dennis said that
he is doing it for free.

I can't actually afford
someone like you.

Rhys, given your situation,

you can't afford to not
have someone like me.

But good news. I'm
not charging you.

I don't understand.

Between you and me,
I'm doing it pro bono.

What do you mean?

Look, I'm totally...
I'm not into guys.

But if he gets, like... sorry.

If he gets a boner, that's
not my fault, right?

I like you, Rhys.

And I have another
client who likes you,

Bill Tompkins.

He was more than
impressed with my services

and remunerated me generously.

We both like you.

Hence pro bono.

Come on. Let's talk a
little further in private.

See what's what.

Okay. I'm all yours.

We need to know from Rhys

the details of a dead body
found in his ambulance.

I don't know anything.

That's blatantly obvious.

My client knows very
little about most things.

That'd be fair,
wouldn't it, Rhys?

- Correct.
- Truthfully, Rhys,

you don't know anything
about a dead body?

Someone dies in an ambulance.
It happens all the time.

All the time.

You've done well
for yourself lately.

Worked hard, turned
your life around.

- Detectives, please.
- Oh, come on. Dennis.

Petty criminal turns
ambulance driver.

It's a good news story.
- Qualified and everything.

That's big for you, right?

Yeah. Thank you. Um, yeah.

I've got a certificate
and everything.

Don't listen to them, Rhys.

They're trying to lull you
into giving you information

that you probably don't have.

Uh, we believe

that Rhys is possibly an
accessory after the fact.

Accessory to what?

Improperly interfering
with a dead body.

Whoa, whoa. No, I
didn't. I didn't do that.

So you have no
knowledge of a dead body

that Lena Branson says
you showed her in the back

of your ambulance?

I didn't show it to her.

I mean, well, like,
not intentionally.

I wouldn't... I
wouldn't do that.

- So there was a body.
- Ah, here we go.

As the blind woman said
to the naked bishop,

nothing to see here.

- Except, um...
- Rhys, I think we're done here.

- Well...
- Listen to me.

Let him speak, Dennis.

Can I have a word
with my client?

- Oh, God. Do I want to know?
- It's Johnny.

I think he's done
something really bad.

- Shocker.
- Kristin, please.

Is now the time I don't
say "I told you so"?

I thought you
liked the bad boys.

No, I mean, like, really bad.

Okay.

I should have known
something was up

when he got the news
about his uncle.

Dad, it's Johnny. I
got told to call you.

He's gone, Johnny.
Your Uncle Les is dead.

No.

It's been an
emotional day, mate.

I'm, uh, I'm feeling
a bit emotional.

It'd be good to
see you, actually.

So, uh, I'll text
you the address.

All right. Thank you, mate.

Ooh.

Don't mind if I do, brother.

Croatian you say?

Cuban, Bobby. Only
ever Cuban, man.

Never mind.

We got to go.

But we only just got here.

Are you going to pay
for those drinks first?

Trudy, I've just had a
bereavement in the family.

I'm unable to think about
finances at a time like this.

- Pull the other one, Johnny.
- No! God's honest.

I've got this.

See? That's called compassion.

Then he took me to
where his dad lives.

Are you for real?

Yeah.

Johnny, welcome back.

Come on in.

Wow.

You know Bill Tompkins and
his lovely wife, Darlene.

Nice to meet you,
Johnny, old boy.

Aah! Johnny.

It's all right.
He's just fainted.

Culture shock probably
coming from prison.

Oh, you must be...

- Nikki.
- I can see what he sees in you.

Make yourself at home.

Come on, girl. I'll
show you around.

Oi! Come on. Wakey, wakey.

Get it together.
Lots to discuss, son.

Lots to discuss.

All right.

Then he started acting strange.

Ta. I'll get the next one, okay?

Don't worry about it.

You see? You see, that
is what I'm feeling

from you right now.

I can't hold it in any longer.

What are you talking about?

Johnny, Don't you break that.

Trudy, I'm a lover,
not a fighter.

This song goes out
to the woman I love.

Oh, my God.

♪ Nikki Sims, Nikki Sims,
will you marry me? ♪

♪ Oh, what fun it
will be to ride ♪

♪ Into a long term
relationship with you, hey! ♪

Johnny, what are you doing?

- Nikki, I'm proposing.
- Oh, Johnny.

I've never felt this way
before about a woman.

Okay, that is really sweet,
but let's not do this.

Wait. What? Hang on.
What do you mean?

Turn the mic off, you loser!

Please. Please
tell me you didn't.

No, of course not.

Every time a guy asks me to
marry him, things go bad.

Like real pear shaped, you know?
- Yeah, I know.

I've been on the receiving end

of many a late night
phone call from you.

So I had my radar on.

Is this one of those nos
that really mean yes?

Honey, we can't
afford to get married.

Oh, no, but we can.
I'm a wealthy man.

Or about to be. Yeah.

I'm coming into money, and
everything I own will be yours.

- What money?
- I can't say.

- Why not?
- Lubed lips sink ships.

But if we're married,
we can't have secrets.

Okay. Um...

I helped out Dad and Uncle
Les with some business and...

- But Uncle Les is dead.
- Oh, yeah, he is.

But you know that
Tompkins place?

That is essentially mine.

I thought Bill and
Darlene owned that.

Yeah, they do, but they're
going to sell it real soon.

And I'm going to get 4%.

Wow. 4%. That's
got to be a lot.

We can live it
up. We can travel.

We can go anywhere
you want to go, baby.

We can get one of those gondolas
through the canals of New York.

- What did you have to do?
- Eh?

The business with your dad?

Oh, I can't say.

Well, how will I
know it's the truth?

Okay. Uh, hypothetically,

which means whatever
I say is true,

but it's not because it's a
what if this was true scenario,

which is true, but it can't be.

Okay, I know what
hypothetical means, Johnny.

Uh, yeah, we dug
up my Uncle Les.

Feel free to use the
other spade, Les.

Stop complaining,
you two. All right?

Remember, I'm offering you 4%

of a very large piece
of the pie here.

Hey, look, I've been thinking.

Why not make it 5%? I'm
better with even numbers.

Because there's four
of us, Johnny...

me, Darlene, Bobby
here, and you.

How many times does
five go into four?

- Oh, um...
- None, because it doesn't fit.

So it can't be 5%.
Can it, Johnny?

Hey. Well, if
there's four of us,

why not make it 25% each?

Well, because Darlene
and I have to take half

because it's her place,
so that's only fair.

And the remaining half is
divided four ways at 4% each.

It's simple maths, Johnny.

Oh, yeah.

So you see? 4%, legit.

Still reckon I can
get it to five.

You dug up your dead uncle?

Yeah, hypothetically,
that is correct.

Why?

Because the cops were after him.

- But he was dead.
- Yeah.

Look, they're not
very smart, eh?

- Okay. So where is he now?
- Uh, gone.

Wait, you threw the body of
your dead uncle off a cliff?

- Johnny, this is sick.
- Oh, no no no, no!

Look, he was dead anyway.
- Johnny, that is so messed up.

What the hell is wrong with you?

Okay, it wasn't my
uncle, all right?

It was actually Bill Tompkins
that was already dead.

And look, look, you cannot
tell anyone, all right?

And that is not
even hypothetical.

Hey, Johnny, you
are confusing me.

Why do guys always
do this to me?

Nikki, you need to come with me.

Come on.

- Thanks, Rhys.
- Detective.

Rhys, let's go.

I'm just the messenger.

I'll put the coffee on.

That's quite a story, Nikki.

Regarding Johnny Oades, are
you still together with them?

Are you kidding? No.
I am sworn off men.

No offense.
- None taken.

Could you organize
Ms. Sims a ride home

and see Kristin through.

This way.

Detective.

Detective, I'm gonna need
to revoke your leave.

Are you okay with that?

We only have hearsay from
Nikki via Johnny Oades.

What if he just made
it up to impress her?

Why would he think
that would impress her?

Strike that. It's Johnny Oades.

What your sister
reported is consistent

with what Rhys
Oades just shared.

There was this meeting.
They wanted me to tell Lena

that she was wrong
about Bill Tompkins.

Which I thought was not right.

But then they explained
that I was wrong

because Bill isn't Bill.

Once you know it,
you can't un-know it.

Bill here is actually Les.

Wait, so your name's not Bill?

That's right, Rhys.
I'm your uncle Les.

Hello.

I mean, it's all
pretty confusing.

And you're prepared to
put this in a statement?

He knows what this will mean.

Rhys, tell me you understand.

Rhys, look at me.
Look me in the eye.

Uh, wait. So if I...

If I tell them what
I just told you,

then I will become
a police witness.

Families get funny about
that sort of thing.

But if I don't show
up to Christmas,

then they will know
something is wrong.

You'll be asked to
carry on as normal

until they make their move.

Oh, man.

Uh...

"Had to go to work.
Catch up later.

Merry Christmas from K."

Kiss. Kiss.

♪ Away in a manger

♪ No crib for a bed

Well, look who's here.

Frodo!

Come on in.

- Hey, Frods.
- Rhys. Johnny. Hey, Uncle Bobby.

Mrs. Tompkins, merry Christmas.

What do you bring someone
who has everything?

Oh! You shouldn't have.

Presents not expected
other than your presence.

Good to see you, Frodo.

Well, thanks for inviting
me, Mr. Tompkins.

Now, Bill... you
can call me Bill.

All right. Don't
dilly dally around.

Now why don't you find a
seat, and let's tuck in.

Dun dun dun!

Here we go!

Oh, look at that.
You've outdone yourself.

Mm.

Well, Christmas is such fun!

Now a toast. To
absent friends.

Oh.

I'm sure you're all aware
that there's someone missing

from the table this year.

And I'd really like
to pay homage to him.

To Les Oades.

- To Les.
- To Les.

Now, in the spirit of Les,

and unaccustomed as
I am to the art form,

I've dared to write a poem.

- Oh, well done, Bill.
- Thank you.

"There is a woman
called Darlene.

She's the most beautiful
the world has ever seen.

I rolled her over in a bed of
clover and said, goodness me,

I've really lucked
in there, mate."

Well done.

Oh, Bill, you're
such a romantic!

Isn't it a scorcher?

Mm.
- Okay.

How is that a poem if
it doesn't even rhyme?

It's postmodern, Johnny.
Get with it. Come on.

If only you were
here, half uncle Les.

You two could have
had a poetry slam.

Oh, we could indeed, Frodo.
We could indeed, mate.

Uh, Johnny, you can wear
the Santa suit this year.

- Why me?
- Because you need to cheer up.

And we need a bloody Santa.

Hey, I've just been
dumped by my fiancee.

I'm grieving.
- All the more reason.

You're a loser. So
put the suit on.

- I got dumped as well.
- See? Why can't Rhys do it?

'Cause I bloody say so!
Now put the bloody suit on!

- Merry Christmas, Rhys.
- Oh, no, I can't.

I'm on duty.

Yeah. You've been
out a lot lately.

They're working you pretty hard.

Everything okay?

Uh, yeah. Sweet.

And we're all right,
aren't we, Rhys?

- Um, uh, yeah.
- 'Cause there's a lot going on.

It's all about the
family. You understand?

Because without
family, you're nothing.

Eh, Rhys?

Um...

Uh, it's a call out.

Got to go.

Seriously?

Give me a look at that.

That's all right, then.
Better bugger off, eh?

Yeah. Uh, thanks.

Merry Christmas, everyone.

Right.

It's okay, Rhys.

As we discussed,
make yourself scarce.

Bobby, mind if we come in?

You can't just barge in
here on Christmas Day. Oi!

- We need to talk to Les.
- Les is dead.

- Where is he, Bobby?
- You went to his funeral.

Mind if we look around?

A warrant?

Yeah. What the hell
are you looking for?

The body of Bill Tompkins.

Come on, come on.

Oh, no.

Okay.

Hi, detectives. I didn't
know you were coming.

Bobby, where is he?

- Who?
- Les.

Well, I should be
asking you that.

You're the ones who turfed
him out of his grave.

- Wait. Les is dead.
- Where is Les and Darlene?

Uh, Bill and Darlene
said they were going

for a stroll to walk off
the Christmas pudding.

Which was weird
because we haven't

even started the mains yet.

- You want to go?
- Yeah.

We got this.

Bobby Oades, you're
under arrest.

Read him his rights.
- What for?

Where do I start? Get the
team to surround the area.

Ho ho ho! Here I am.

Johnny. Don't even
think about it.

What?

You know what?

He's mine.

This should be entertaining.

Give it up, Johnny!

He's still mine!

Best seats in the house.

Johnny, meet Bill.

Oh, that's right,
you've already met.

Aah!

I know that sound.

That's your car, isn't it?

I don't believe it.

Oh. Not again.

Come on.

♪ Here's the deal,
now listen, kid ♪

♪ To what I said,
not what I did ♪

♪ Get confused and think a lot

♪ Squeeze a lemon or easy drop

♪ He's a gold digger

You think you can
outrun them, Les?

I'm faster than a
bat out of hell.

Yeah! Go, baby, go!

Don't spare the horses.

♪ Careful what you say

♪ He's not just here for fun

Whoa!

You alright, girl? Alright?

This is Bailey's Road.
It leads to Devil's Drop.

It's a dead end.

- Well, you don't think he's...
- No, no no, no.

He wouldn't.

He better not.

♪ He's not just here for fun

♪ Run, run, run away

♪ Run away

♪ Run away

They're never going to
take us alive, Darl.

Till death do us part, Les.

I love you, my queen.

No!

Aaaah! What's going on?

What the hell, Les?!

Out of bloody gas. Who
doesn't fill the car up?

Let's go.

- All of nothing, baby.
- All or nothing.

All or nothing.

- Go!
- Go, darling.

Go, go.

Miss Wordsworth
might have said she's

a bloody long way
down there, Darl.

- Ah! I'm trying!
- Here we go.

Oh, my God. Let me go.

Les! Step away from the fence.

Bugger!

I think I might have let
you down there, Darl.

Put your hands up.

I love you, Les-o.

I love you too, Darlene.

Hey, fellas.

What just happened? Oh.

I know, another stink Christmas.

Dennis, how are you, mate?

Just got a bit of
a situation here.

Um...
- So I heard.

The thing is, Bill.
Or is it Lester?

And don't take
this the wrong way.

I never take cases
I think I can't win.

You are on your own, sunshine.

♪ In the velvet night

♪ Before the golden
light, you're gonna fall ♪

♪ You're gonna fall

♪ Baby, strike a match
before it burns to ash ♪

- ♪ You're gonna fall
- ♪ You're gonna fall

Uh, could you state
your full name?

Uh, Darlene Tompkins.

And, uh, who do you
know this person to be?

Les. That's Les.

Lester Edwin Oades?

Yes.

And for the record,

this is not your dead
husband, Bill Tompkins.

No.

When did your relationship
with Les begin?

Um, about six months ago.

Back in the South Island.
Les answered my ad.

"Live in groundsman wanted."

These will be your quarters.

So you're giving
me the job, then?

Uh, yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

You have to understand, Les
awakened something in me,

something that had died,
and was so handsome.

So clever.

Like wind and rain.

Like petrol and
flame. Bang, crash.

Hot, wet, and
burning with desire.

You're my fire queen,
a princess dream.

They call you trouble,
but I, I call you Darlene.

- Oh.
- Darlene.

Oh, my God.

Oh, Darlene.

It felt very natural.

It's kind of like
destiny, bound together

like the perfect union of salt
and stone and carbon monoxide.

After that, it was nonstop.

We stole moments
whenever we could.

Gee whiz, she consumed me.

I'd even go so far as to
say she devoured me, sir.

I need to tell Bill.

I need to tell him that
I'm in love with you.

Oh, steady on, Darlene.

I think we've got the
best of both worlds here.

Saucy relations and a
very lavish lifestyle.

I mean, I've grown accustomed
to Bill's top shelf.

I tell you.

Yeah, but don't you want it all?

So I was moving to Brokenwood

part of the plan to kill him?

No, no, no, that's the thing.

Fate intervened.

Bill just dropped dead
of a heart attack.

Just fell on the floor.

Well, blow me, Darl.

Hm.

Well, the poor joker just
dropped to the floor.

Damned spot and all that.

With a little help from Darlene?

Well, no, no, it was a run of
the mill heart attack, you know.

- Caused by Darlene.
- Well, I'm not quite sure

where you're going
with that one.

Mm, well, that's curious,
because your brother Bobby does.

Anything Bill Tompkins has
done has nothing to do with me.

He hosted Christmas.

I was very generous,
and Bill and Darlene,

very generous people.

On the other hand, your son
Rhys saw it differently.

You're... you're my
Uncle Les who's dead?

Do I look dead to you?

And more to the point, do
I look like a sex pest?

The answer is no, by the way.

And you need to tell your
little girlfriend that, please/

Set the record straight.
- Do you understand, Rhys?

She didn't see what
she thought she saw.

No, you can't say
that. It did happen.

She's sure.

No. So it did happen,
Rhys. But it wasn't Les.

It was Bill.

Oh. So what do you
want to be, Bill?

- Because he's dead.
- And you're not Darlene?

No, no, no. I am Darlene. Oh.

Uh, Les. And I'm going to
call him Les from now on.

Good idea, given
that's his name.

Yeah, he was just trying to help

a damsel in distress,
a grieving widow.

So, as you can see, we've got

ourselves a situation
here, Bobby.

Yeah.

What the hell happened to him?

Well, I only know
what Darlene told me.

As it happened, she just
wanted to change a lampshade.

What have you done?

- Nothing.
- Don't give me that.

I know that look.

I didn't mean to.

You stupid bastard!

We'd sold up to leave all
that sick stuff in the south.

New island, new start.

But he just couldn't
keep it in his pants.

How old was she?

She won't say anything.

Yeah, but what
about the next one?

And the one after that?

Don't get high and
mighty with me.

I know about you and Les.

Don't change the subject!

Les has to go!

Don't you dare!

He's a leech!

Living off my land,
my pantry, my wife!

If you touch Les,

I'll go to the cops with
your dirty little secret.

I should have done
it the first time.

You wouldn't go to the cops.

Not in a million years.
You haven't got the balls.

Oh!

Bloody hell!

Darlene!

With his heart condition, it
didn't take much, I guess.

He's got two grown up children

from his first marriage.

They live overseas and they are
ungrateful swine, apparently.

Darlene reckons that they
were going to go for half,

but she thought that
was very unfair,

and Les was inclined to agree.

Now, why should she have
to give away half when,

with our help, she can
take it all, Bobby?

We cash up in the new year,
and we head for Bolivia, mate.

- Bolivia?
- Yeah.

There's no extradition
there, Bobby.

We'll be safe as houses.
We'll be sold up and long gone

before those kids even
know their dad's dead.

4% a hell of a lot, Bobby.

And you won't even have
to lift a finger, mate.

Like I said, none
of this was my idea.

For Les to become Bill,
that was Bobby's idea.

You're not from
around these parts.

And Bill's only
been here a week.

Who's to say who's who, eh?

Hey, watch this. Frodo.

Hey, Uncle Bobby. How's
the grave digging business?

Yeah. Keeping me
honest, Frodo.

Keeping me honest.

Have you met Bill Tomkins?
You Uncle Les works for him.

- Hey. Nice to meet you.
- Frodo, is it?

Yeah. Franklin for short.

Yeah. Well, good
to meet you, Frodo.

Good to meet you.

Honestly, none of it.

I had to put him in
the chiller for a day

and leave him on the road.

Yeah, that was
Bobby's idea, as well.

Right. He's coming
back from the pub.

He carks it. No one
will think twice.

Yeah.

Well, things may have
got a little out of hand.

So...

In my defense, Bill
wasn't a good person.

So better off
dead, do you think?

You tell me.

Dumped in the middle
of the road and buried.

Then dug back up and
thrown off a cliff

and left to wash up in the tide.

I think it was Byron who
said, "It is what it is, man.

It is what it is."

Les, will you wait for me?

Les?

♪ When the shadows climb,
you'll already be mine ♪

♪ You're gonna fall

♪ You broke the lock on your
heart, but its in vain ♪

♪ Now I'll scale the
walls you put up ♪

♪ To keep the pain out

♪ Flag high and kiss
your ass goodbye ♪

♪ You're gonna
fall into my arms ♪

♪ You're gonna fall

♪ I'll be the one to
knock your head off ♪

Merry Christmas, Johnny.

♪ You're gonna fall,
you're gonna fall ♪

What did I say?

Christmas brings out
the worst in people.

You really think that?

Well, maybe if you're an Oades.

Well, team, uh, I'm sorry
you missed your celebrations.

Yeah, well, a glass of
wine, don my eyebrows.

I really know how to have
a meaningful Christmas Day.

All that food, I couldn't
let it go to waste.

I'm doing an orphan's Christmas.

Okay.

♪ We don't get snow like
some places we know ♪

♪ The bobby's and the
pace is real slow ♪

♪ So leave a year's
worth of worries alone ♪

♪ This Christmas

Merry Christmas, everyone.

- Cheers.
- Merry Christmas.

♪ Mistletoe

♪ 'Cause, baby, you
are Christmas to me ♪

♪ Baby, you are
Christmas to me ♪

♪ Baby, you are
Christmas to me ♪

♪ Baby, you are
Christmas to me ♪

♪ Baby, you are
Christmas to me ♪

♪ Baby, you are
Christmas to me ♪

♪ Baby, you are
Christmas to me ♪