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**

When I made love to him

I dwell in the mystery of our oneness.

It was a feeling so spiritual

It was as though I should remove my shoes

in the presence of the holy.

With my lips.

I traced my name upon his skin,

and I'd find God there.

With my heart pressed against his chest

his breath breathing life into my soul,

I could live again.

I'd see my lover there.

And no longer was it, that I want him, need him

or loved him, but that...

..I was him.

This was Chris, my mission companion.

Five years ago, we were separated,

after it was discovered, that we were slightly more

than just mission companions.

I was immediately sent home,

and Chris was allowed to stay in Clackamas Falls.

But we kept in touch.

And after his mission,

We went on a trip across America.

We had time of our lives.

For a few months, we weren't Elder Smith and Elder Merrill.

We had no obligations

and no pressure from our families or the church.

We were just Chris and RJ.

On our own and loving every minute of it.

After some time, we faced the reality, that we would

eventually, have to go home.

I drove into Salt Lake, Chris' home town.

We agreed to take care of our respective loose ends.

And he talked about transferring to Poisy State with me.

We kissed and said goodbye.

And I went home to Idaho Falls.

I never saw him again.

I sent letters, I'd call...

And nothing.

If only I knew, what happened to him,

then maybe, I'd have some closure.

These days I live in Seattle.

I'm neither Mormon, nor gentile.

I was never formally excommunicated.

I just stopped associating myself with the church at all.

But... I still wear my temple garments

I still have a food storage.

And I still have a deep love...

for our Heavenly Father.

So, from what you've been telling me...

you've been working hard to stay focussed

and maintain the standing of the Church.

Yes, sir.

Six months ago, I was intimate with my mission companion,

even though I knew it was wrong.

Do you still think that you are unfazed of same-sex attraction?

I am much stronger now.

Would you like to continue your service to your Church ?

Yes, I would.

More than anything.

As I said before,

our Heavenly Father doesn't present to us any temptation...

that we do not have the power to overcome.

It's a choice, that we make

To act in virtue, or give in to temptation.

Considering your humility and desire to do the right thing,

I see no need for disciplinary action.

Thank you.

Thank you.

It is an honor to witness two young people...

So deeply in love, and so dedicated

to the church and our Heavenly Father.

Marriage is for eternity

It is the love,that will last in this life...

.. and the next.

Your dedication...

to the Church and to this family, has brought you here.

You've been given a second chance.

I know...

that you have the courage...

and the strentgh, to stay on the right track, this time.

I love you, son.

I love you too.

Now, what do you say, we get back in there and

join what's left of the party.

I'm so sorry, Dad.

I'm so sorry, for everything.

Now, Chris...

You've done the right thing.

- Alright? - Yes

I am so proud of you.

- Are you okay? - Yes sir, I'm fine.

I'm gonna go join the party. You take a minute.

- Come when you're ready. - Yes sir.

Okay, I'm gonna be late.

You know I have somewhere else to be too.

I know.

I have a meeting... in like 30 minutes.

And ?

- I got to go. - No..

You know I wrestled in Highschool...

and College.

Okay. Okay.

- Now, you shouldn't eat that stuff. - And why not?

- It's loaded with sugar? - I like sugar.

Thank you.

- Want some? - No

You know? I'm nervous about tonight.

Don't be.

Are you sure you ready for this?

No.

- You think it's time, they met us? - Yup.

I gotta go.

I'm gonna be late.

Bye !

Sorry.

Sorry.

Hey, Rodney!

- RJ? I'm his mother. - Oh... Well, how are you?

Unfortunately, very badly.

I'm sorry to hear that... Is everything okay?

Sorry RJ, But Rodney died.

- You want some chicken? - Is really good!

Amazingly good. You gonna love it.

Who is calling me?

- I do not know. - Sorry.

- You want one of Mummy's? - No, no?

Hello?

Speaking.

Yes, Mam! How are you?

Oh no!

Did I ever tell you about Rodney?

A little...

I met him on my mission, with my mission companion Chris,

He was a veteran of Iraq.

He had PTST, so

We tried so hard to convert him, but...

We'd always end up hanging out and smoking pot..

He was always so accepting of Chris and I.

Yes.

You did talk about him.

- Are you going to the funeral? - I think so.

Okay.

Sorry, I'm late. How long are you waiting for?

About twenty minutes.

- Hello, sorry. - It was nothing.

Mom, Dad, this is Paul.

- It's a pleasure to finally meet you. - Nice to meet you, Paul.

- Hi - Hi.

- Good to meet you. - Good to meet you too.

- So, how was your flight? - Bumpy.

- Do I want to ask? - Yes, we will ask.

What do you want to drink?

- I mineral water.. - I Coca Cola.

- Well, I drink. - Thank you.

- So Coca-Cola? - Yes

So... Mr. and Mrs. Smith, How long are you in town?

- Just till Sunday evening... - We're just here for the weekend

- We don't want to be in the way. - Dad you're not in the way.

- I do not know, we never hear from you. - Tom... - No!

I'm not trying to start anything, I'm just saying,

I wish to hear from my son more. I misshim.

Mary Ann calls at least once a week.

- Okay, I'll check in more - That would be nice.

So Paul, what do you do?

- I am a personal trainer. - Oh that's nice.

- Paul is working on his MBA. - Oh really?

Tell RJ that has to completing his masters.

- I'll tell you the same. - Okay, okay.

Maybe at some point... but... Not now.

- And how's work? - It goes well, yes.

I'm not independent, I am in the office too...

But additionally nothing interesting.

I do not know. Nothing too exciting.

How is the shop, Dad?

Well. All is well. I can not complain.

Do you know Mr. Smith, my father is a mechanic.

Really?

Yes, he works primarily on Swedish automobiles.

- Well... they know how to make cars... - Yes.

- Gloria? - Yes -. I'm RJ.

How nice to finally meet you.

- I'm so glad you came. - No, I would not miss it for anything.

You know, not many people knew and I did not go there often.

Nice to meet two of his good friends.

- I also loved meeting her. - Thank you.

Rodney was a complex man.

And through the hardships that life threw at him,

he had this amazing ability to make us laugh.

Some of you may not know this about Rodney, but

he was a religious man.

Though he may not have considered himself, to be so.

Though he alluded the Doctrines of Faith,

he embodied their essence.

And as a lifelong seeker, he had an amazing ability

to help people find their way.

There is a heaven.

And Rodney is there.

- Amen - Amen.

I'm sorry for your loss.

Thank you.

Thank you.

RJ!

I almost forgot to give you this.

- He was going to mail it to you. - Thank you.

- You keep in touch now. - I will.

I'm sorry your loss. I will miss him.

I am too.

- Take care now, you. - I will.

And don't open that here.

- Chris! - Chris.

Yes?

How are you?

Yeah, ehm...

Can we go somewhere and talk?

- What do you wanna talk about? - Maybe we can catch up.

- Hi - Hi.

What a day.

Yes.

Did you get to speak to him?

- To Rodney? - Yeah...

No... not really.

I spoke to him a few times after the end of the mission.

But we lost contact.

- You talked to him? - A few months ago. Yes.

- Sometimes I visited. - Great.

I can't believe he's gone.

Wish I had a chance to say goodbye.

He had nothing but fond memories of you.

It's good to hear.

It's surreal, is not it?

Yes.

Sitting here with you is very surreal.

- How long has it been? - Five years. - Five years.

- You did this? - I did it, but...

I said a month or two or so and...

- Ok -. Yes.

Well, how's life?

I'm happily married, I live in Salt Lake

I have a little daughter, three years

I can not believe that.

I work in pharmaceutical sales, so...

life's pretty good.

- Are you married? - Yes

She's amazing, she's like an angel.

I don't have a picture to show, but...

she's incredible.

- I'm happy for you. - Thank you.

What about you?

I'm the Earth and Culture editor at a Seattle magazine.

Yes, and I've ehm...

I've written a couple of short non-fiction books.

- Really? - Yes. - Can I find them anywhere?

Yeah, they're in some bookstores.

I haven't really inquired after all means of distribution,

but yeah, they're there. - Oh.

- I'll look for them. - Cool.

Are you seeing anybody? Or...

- I've been seeing someone for a while. - Ok.

- We are doing well. - What is her name?

Paul.

It's reaslly good to see you, Chris.

It's good to see you too.

I'm sorry it's under these circumstances.

Yes, me too, but...

our Heavenly Father had a plan.

Listen, I hate to make this brief, but I have a really early

flight tomorrow morning, and it has been a very long day.

It looks like they're closing up here anyhow,

so I'm going to bed.

- But it was nice. - Yes, it was good.

Can I walk you up?

You wanna walk me to my room?

Yes.

- Yes, of course. - Okay. Yeah.

That'll be fine.

Thanks,

Well, this is me.

Chris.

Are you sure there's nothing else you wanna talk about?

What exactly would you like to talk about?

You can't just pretend, that nothing happened.

R.J.

Its good to see you, and I'm glad you're doing well...

but I came here to pay my respects Rodney...

So did I.

Then I need you to respect that.

Okay.

Good night.

♫ ♫

♪ I can withstand ♪

♪ All tragedies ♪

♪ And sins, inflicted ♪

♪ upon me ♪

♪ And sickness without remedy ♪

♪ With my heart ... ♪

- Hey - Hey.

Thank you.

- Hope you don't mind I'm here? - No

- How are you? - I'm good, how are you?

Good.

You look tired?

Yes, a little, I am.

- I hope you're hungry? - You cooked for me?

- Oh, maybe. - Thank you.

It looks amazing.

I wanted something ready when you got here.

- It's great. - Want some?

You look so good in your suit.

Thank you.

Hey guess what?

What?

I'm fiinally gonna get my red jacket.

- Really? - Yeah.

- Congratulations baby! - Thank you.

- I'm so proud of you. - Thank you.

- Feels good. - Yeah?

I'm so sorry.

What's wrong?

It's been a rough couple of days, you know.

Yeah.

It's okay.

It's okay.

I'm so sorry.

It's okay.

- I think I'm too tired. - Yes I know.

I love you.

- Hey. - How are you?

- Okay, and you? - Good, how's work?

- It's good, how was your day? - Fantastic...

- So much work. - Good, good.

Do you want anything?

I tell you in just a minute... This is such a nice surprise.

Hey, what's up?

You know I've always been honest with you.

Yes.

I don't think we should see each other for a while.

Why?

Cause I don't think I can give you what you need, right now.

God, what is this?

I mean, we have met your family.

We did meet your parents.

I know...

I know, it's taken me a long time to get here,

but I am here, with everthing that I am.

You are everything that I ever wanted.

It's always been you...

who's been holding us back.

- You know that? - I know that.

I know what this is about.

I know!

You go...

..you go do...

whatever it is, that you have to do.

But I want you to know...

that I ...

I may not still be here, just

waiting for you, when you get back.

Please stay.

He handles all the marketing.

Can you hold on a second?

Hey, I was wondering, do you think you need me around next week?

You haven't really been here much, Rick.

Right, but I was thinking about taking a writing vacatioin,

I'm working on a story. I think you gonna love it

- Okay, that'll work, yeah. - Great,l thank you.

- Are you leaving now? - Yeah.

Okay, fine.

- Where are you gonna go? - Ehm...

♪ Here I make my solemn vow ♪

♪ To Keep His light in front of me ♪

♪ In spite of what the dark allows ♪

♪ Of what harm comes unto me ♪

...and the love in our heart.

We say these things in the name of Jesus Christ.

- Amen - Amen.

- Dig in. - yammm...

Peaches, you like sucking?

Are you dipping?

Dipping in the water? You like that?

- This is realy good. - Yes? - Should cook every night.

Thank you.

What's the noise?

- Are you expecting anybody? - No, you? - No

What was that noise?

Hi.

- Is this a bad time? - Yes.

What are you doing here?

Why would you come to my house? How do you know where I live?

Explain yourself!

- I got your address from Gloria. - Gloria.

Are you crazy?

- Hi - Hi.

- Hi - Hi.

Are you gonna introduce me to your friend?

- Yes. Honey, this is my friend RJ. - RJ, this is my wife, Emily.

- Hi, nice to meet you. - Nice to meet you too.

Thanks for stopping by.

It was good to see you.

Oh...

Actually, we're having dinner. You're welcome to join us, if you'd like.

Sure, yeah.

- Yes, of course. - Thank you.

- OK, come on in. - Thank you.

- Thank you. - Yeah.

So, ehm, RJ, how do you and Chris know each other?

Well... that's a good question...

Chris, would you like to, maybe...

Yeah, ehm...

RJ and I met, when I was on my mission in Clackamas Falls.

- Really? - Mmm... - Well, it's wonderful.

- RJ was my mission companion. - Wow.

And, do you live here in Salt Lake City?

- No, actually, I live in Seattle. - Seattle?

- So, what brings you here? - I'm here for work.

- What kind of work? - I am a writer.

A writer? Wow!

- Like for a magazine or... - Yeah, actually...

- Magazine... Which magazine? - The Seattle Magazine.

And they're doing a piece on Salt Lake City?

No, no actually...

the story I'm working on, has a little bit to do with the Salt Lake, so...

I thought I'd come down here for some inspiration.

- Great. - Mmm... - How long are you in town?

I don't know. I guess until the story is finished.

Where are you staying?

Well, ehm...

Okay, honey.

I think it's her bedtime.

I'm sorry, is it me? I'm so sorry, if it was me.

Okay.

Come.

Let's go.

- Hi - Hi.

Why are you here? Why...

You came to my house?

- I just wanted to talk to you. - Ok

Let's talk.

- Maybe not now... - Yes, maybe not right now.

- I'm so sorry. - Ok - She is really tired.

- It's a little late. - Yeah.

Anyway, what I...

I don't have any place to stay yet,

I think I might just go to a motel nearby, maybe?

Oh, you don't need to do that.

We have so much space. You can stay with us, if you'd like.

- If you want. - Sure!

Yeah, is that okay with you, Chris?

Yeah, of course.

You're more than welcome to stay, for the night, if you'd like.

Great.

You guys probably have a lot of catching up to do ?

- Yeah! - We do. We do.

This is you, at the end of the stairs.

The bag looks heavy, I should help.

No, it's okay.

Alright.

Here you go.

- Thank you. - Yes of course.

Well, you're probably super tired. So you know...

If you need anything just let me know, okay?

I will. Thank you so much.

- Yeah, it's so nice to meet you. - Nice to meet you too.

- Well, have a good night. - You too.

- Goodbye. - Bye.

Meet me at Mercury Grove on North Canyon at 7am. Please. Chris.

What are you doing?

- Ricky, what are you doing? - I just want to talk.

I do not want to talk about the mission.

Okay.

So let's talk about something else.

- I like your jacket. - Thanks.

RJ.

I'm married.

- And I'm living honorably. - Okay.

I didn't mean to interfere with you.

It's too late for that.

Don't you think it's a little crazy?

You showing up out of nowhere, like this?

Yes it is, but going to Clackamas Falls

And Rodney dying and seeing you again.

It's just...

it sparked something in me.

And all of a sudden, I'm 20 years old,

And you walked into my life.

And years of confusion and shame jusst disappear.

Because I found somebody.

That knows me, that understands me.

I can't find that anywhere else.

It comes close, but...

It's not the same.

And then, suddenly I'm here.

Why did you cut me out of your life, Chris?

I had no choice.

All I want, is to be a part of your life.

- That's not possible. - I'm sorry to hear that.

I have a meeting to go to.

You still go to church RJ?

No, regretfully I don't.

Well, you should.

What are you doing, Chris? What do you mean?

We spent a year of our lives together.

We made love.

We fell in love. You're not straight!

- I feel sorry for you. - Why?

Because you are living a life of sin.

And you are obsessing

over something that never should have happened !

It was a phase !

The Lord has declared that no unclean thing

shall inherit the Kingdom of Heavens.

Our sin makes us unclean.

Unworthy to be in the presence of our Heavenly Father.

Verily, verily, I say onto you...

woe be unto him that lieth to deceive

because he supposeth that another lieth to deceive

for such are not exempt from the justice of God.

You are living a lie.

And you brought your entire family into it.

How dare you bring my family into this?

Chris, I don't want to fight,

I didn't come all this way, to end things like this.

- But I'm worried about you. - You're worried about me?

This coming from a guy, who traveled 800 miles, uninvited!

I'm more worried about you.

Good, it shows that you care.

I've always cared about you.

Did you ever care about me?

- Chris, Chris! - What?

I'm gonna be here for a few days.

If you want to talk, just get a hold of me

- Hello? - Hi

- Hey. - Hey.

What are you doing?

You can't eat rice with chopsticks. I don't know how they..

Just eat it with a fork.

- I didn't see that. - Thank you.

Here we go.

It's easier with broccoli and beef, I'm just saying...

It's okay, your trial with rice.

- I read through one of your books. - Oh really? - Yes.

Whichj one?

I don't even know. I'm sorry. It's embarassing

No, it's okay.

It was very eloquently written, what I did read.

- Thank you. - You're welcome.

Do you remember...

when we first met Rodney?

Yeah.

He was just smoking pot...

in front of a couple of missionaries.

- And no shame. - Like you do.

Like you do.

And that apartment...

It just smelled of beer, and mildew and...

And urine. yeah, little bit of urine.

I think I saw a live possum in his kitchen.

I saw a dead one.

I think it was the same one.

He was really good.

- Yes,he was a character. - Definitely.

- Those were good times - Yeah, they were.

So,,,

the last time I saw you...

you were the epitomy of a collegiate wrestler.

- Not so much anymore - But you look the same though.

Thank you.

I mean, I lead a simple life.

You know, I go to work... I come home and...

Paul was there all the time.

We were home buddies.

You were ?

Yeah.

I'm sorry.

And I'm sorry about what I said earlier.

- Were both angry... - I was very angry.

It's fine. Fifty-fifty.

So, what about you?

How's life as a pharmaceutical rep?

I hate it.

It's an atrocious job, that pays very well.

So, why don't you do something else?

When I figure out,what I want to do, I'll...

stop being a pharmaceutical rep.

It seems some time, to figure out, what that is.

Yes.

You will ...

You'll figure it out.

Yes.

You know, it's funny when...

you're younger...

you just assume that life is gonna...

line up, and make sense, at some point.

You have this vision...

of what you want your life to be.

Mission, family, job, ehm...

You create this idea

of what you want your life to be like.

You create these images in your head.

And as you go along,

these images shatter.

As if they were nothing.

They're so easily inceived.

and so easily broken.

And all you have left to do, is just...

to accept life.

Just the way it is.

Life is a journey, isn't it RJ?

Uh-huh.

I should probably get going.

- Yeah. - ehm, this was fun.

Yes it was.

And ehm, if I don't see you again...

I just want you to know that...

I'm really glad, we did this.

Me too.

- You'll be welcome... - No, no.

I guess, this is the closure I came here for.

It's not what I wanted.

But maybe this is all there is.

- This is wonderful, Emily. - It really is. - Thank you.

She's trying to make me fat?

- No. - Right.

Says the guy who gets up at 4:30 every morning to work out.

So, how are sales?

Good, can't complain.

I think, the toughest part of my job is,

I travel so much and I'm away from my girl.

You work so hard.

But he's got the next two weeks off.

So, I've got him all to myself.

- About time. - Yeah.

I don't know how you do it, with all the...

hotels, airports...

How do you sleep?

I get used to them.

So, I don't know about you, but...

I could use a little bit of dessert.

Honey, how about you and Emily go to the store and get some ice cream?

Chris and I can chat about a few matters of the Church.

Sounds like a great idea.

- I wouldn't mind ice cream. - Sure, yes sir.

I'll miss you.

Ehm, any particular flavor?

- How about vanilla. - Yeah, vanilla is great.

Okay.

I'm glad we finally have an opportunity to be alone and chat

Yeah. Yeah, me too.

You know, I think you're a man that really seems to have it all figured out.

Thank you.

Chris, do you consider yourself to be openminded?

Yes, yes... for the most part.

Cause there's something, I like to show you, if that's okay.

- Ok . - Great.

Great, now before I begin,

I wanna ask you to...

try to suspend the way you normally read Scripture?

Try to listen to this with...

a delicate touch:

This is ehm...

not something I can bring up to anyone.

which is why I'd rather discuss it with someone like you.

- No problem. - Okay

Chris, today I'd like to talk about Andrew.

Now, who was Andrew?

He was an apostle.

- He's the brother of Simon-Peter. - Right.

Now, we don't know very much about Andrew.

But tonight, let's allow Andrew to take our hand...

and lead us to the Gospel of John, Chapter 13

Jesus Christ says to his disciples:

Most assuredly, I say to you, one of you will betray me.

The disciples looked at one another, perplexed about whom he spoke.

One of his disciples, the one, who Jesus loved,

Was lying on his chest.

Simon Peter therefore motioned to him, to ask Jesus

of whom he was speaking.

So, while lying next to Christ, he asked:

Lord, who is it?

So, the Lord, sitting among the other disciples,

while the one he loved,

lies on the heart of Christ.

On his chest.

After dinner Jesus disrobes

and pours water into a basin

and begins to wash the disciples' feet.

There's nothing more gentle and holy...

then washing another's feet.

Aaron... can I...

interject there for a moment...

- I do not know... - Just hold on, hold on.

- Hear me out. - Alright.

I spent a lot of time thinking about this.

And I can't see it any other way, then how it's written.

There is a tenderness in these words.

Christ loves these men dearly, and one above all.

And when he touches them...

It is a delicate and beautiful act of kindness...

And love.

And while others may say, that...

by loving his disciples,

Jesus fell in love with humanity.

I can explain to you, why I believe...

That this Scripture does not refer...

to a call, to a love for human kind.

But instead,

refers more specifically to his love

- of any... - You can stop right there.

I know what you're trying to insinuate,

and frankly, I don't like it.

- Chris, I'm just being... - That's enough!

Okay, okay.

I didn't mean to make you angry.

I'm sorry.

Chris, I think you and I, are a lot alike.

- I too am struggling. - I'm not struggling.

Okay.

I went to a small highschool in Arizona.

This kid transferred in to sophomore year.

and he wasn't exactly popular. They called him "the narc".

He was always telltaling, he was just obnoxious.

He was very devoted to Christ, however.

We bonded, in that sense.

Over time, we became good friends.

Great friends even.

And when the other kids would say to me:

Why do you spend time with that guy? I did not care.

Because in his heart, he was a good man.

His name was Marshall Harris.

Your zone leader, when you were on the mission.

Chris, I know what happened in Oregon with your mission companion.

And I don't judge you for it.

I know your struggle, and...

I know it well.

And I want you to know

we can help one another, through this.

Let me help you through this.

No temptation has seized you, except what is common to men.

And we need not be ashamed.

Get out.

- I care about you, Chris. - Get out of my house!

We got bananas and raspberries.

To make splits.

Is everything okay?

I suddenly lost my appetite for ice cream, Emily.

I'm sorry.

I'll be seeing you, Chris.

Goodbye, Emily.

What happened?

He ehm...

He wasn't feeling well.

I'm gonna get ready for bed.

That's a ladybug on a leaf.

- Hey sweety. - Hey.

Hey ehm, what time are you and RJ getting together?

Around three, I think.

Okay, so I call Kirsten and have her come just a little earlier.

I won't be around tonight. I have to help setup for the debut.

What's happening tonight?

It's my red jacket debut.

Congratulations again baby. It's great.

Isn't that a rabbit? What is that?

Thank you.

Um...

Did you call the catering company?

Ask them to add 2 more tables, and the china and the flowers, like Ida ?

No.

No, I completely forgot. I'm sorry.

- Honey, it's your parents anniversary. - Yes I know!

I just forgot, and I'm sorry.

I'll get on it.

Yes, okay.

Okay.

Thank you.

I'd like to level with you.

Okay.

I'm sorry ...

for abandoning you.

I'm sorry for the way I treated you.

That was cruel.

And I'm sorry for not responding to any of your letters, or phone calls.

I received them all.

Your letters.

And they touched me, deeply.

But I couldn't respond.

I truly loved...

the time, that we spent together.

But once I returned home,

I felt my father's shadow.

And his position and the high authority,

looming over me.

Like a cloud.

He recommended that I go to reparative therapy.

Which I did.

And eventually... I was deemed worthy enough to continue...

my service to the church.

And then I met Emily.

And we had this amazing, intense connection.

And I thought: "Finally, a cure."

I sincerely believed...

that, if I got married, that I would be given the strength...

to overcome this.

But every time I see a man that I'm attracted to,

it's like something inside of me is screaming,

to get out!

There is this message, that is sent and received.

Instantly.

I am a religious man, RJ.

I know you are.

But I feel forsaken.

I have so much pain, in my heart.

And I just deal with it.

It feels as if there's...

this...

axe, that is thrust into my chest...

This pain.

The fasting, the prayers...

It consumes my life.

And there is...

little energy left, for anything else.

I am not living honorably.

Chris, I feel so...

I care so much...

about you.

Look at me.

There is nothing wrong with us.

We're just victims...

Of a culture that doesn't accept us.

May I touch you?

That face...

I've seen you in my dreams.

What? I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

I thought that's what you wanted.

It is.

What do you want me to do?

You see...

I missed you.

I missed you too.

I wanted this for so long.

This I pledge, as a "Star Recruiter".

This I pledge, as a "Star Recruiter".

To live, by the Golden Rule Philosophy.

To live, by the Golden Rule Philosophy.

To encourage and support my team members.

To encourage and support my team members.

This I pledge, as a brand new "Star Recruiter".

This I pledge, as a brand new "Star Recruiter".

Excellent. Give a round of applause, ladies and gents.

So right now I have a special...

for you, it's fifty percent off any product,

when you spend $ 40 or more on beauty essential products.

Which is really good.

You had mentioned a lipstick you wanted to try?

- Sure. - Okay.

Are you alright, dear?

Honey?

Can I help you with something?

Dear?

Hey, baby.

Have you been sitting here since I left?

Where were you?

Were you with RJ?

Yeah.

You think I'm such a fool.

What are you talking about?

Come on.

I know what you've been doing.

My heart is broken, Chris.

And I think I've always known.

But I hid it in the back of my mind, because...

I thought, I could trust you.

You need to come clean.

- You need to be honest with me. - What's wrong?

- I saw you. Chris. - You saw what?

And you call yourself a man of faith ?

I saw you...

with your friend RJ.

At that hotel, just ten blocks from here.

You kissed him.

The way you kiss me.

I'm so stupid.

Because all the signs were there.

They were just there... and I ignored them.

- I'm so stupid. - No.

No.

God only knows, what you do, when you're out, travelling for work.

In one city after the next, staying in hotels,

meeting strangers.

- Have there been others? - No.

I don't believe you.

- I don't believe a word you say. No one? - Emily.

There's been nobody else.

Have you been going to see him in Seattle?

No.

I haven't seen him since my mission.

Since your mission.

Hmm...

I couldn't imagine what that was like.

What about me and Kelly?

- Has that thought ever crossed your mind? - Yes

Yes, of course.

I'm so sorry, Emily.

Can we pray this away ?

It's the last thing we can do.

I will do, whatever it takes.

But you have to stop this.

I need you.

I need you. Chris.

What do we do?

What can I not give you...

that he can?

Please don't ask me that!

I have been devoted to you.

And this family.

The feelings that I have for him...

I can never have for a woman.

Seeing him again, brought everything back.

And I have tried,

to become something, that I thought I was supposed to be.

But I can't.

I failed you.

I failed you.

I don't know what to do with that.

I will not accept that.

You made a promise to me.

For eternity.

Is that what you want, Chris?

A life without me?

Destroying me?

Destroying us?

If that's what you want, Chris...

You have to tell your family.

And tell them what?

The truth.

Hey guys.

- Come on in. - How are you darling?

Good.

Have a seat, please.

So, what's the big news, guys?

We're still waiting on one person.

Chris, who?

Hey, come on in.

- It's okay.

- Are you sure? - Yeah.

This is my friend, RJ.

Hey.

What is he doing here?

I wanted him here.

Trust me, okay?

So, how do you know Chris and Emily, RJ?

- I'm just a friend. - Okay.

I've known Chris for a while.

- That's great. - Yeah.

- So what's going on?

Ehm...

Chris and I have something, we'd like to tell you.

This isn't easy for me to say.

But I haven't been completely honest with any of you.

And I feel like I should come clean.

I...

I... I'm...

I'm gay.

I'm in love with him.

Chris.

I know that you love Emily.

But...

I guess, I just always kind of assumed, you know ?

I do love you.

And I want you...

Both of you...

to be happy.

Thank you.

Son, we can work this through.

We can work this through again.

Again?

You...

You are a homewrecker !

Please make him leave.

I don't understand why.

Why did you invite him here, in the first place?

I need him here.

- I'm gonna leave. - No.

I think you should.

I knew who you were, as soon as you walked through that door

and I think you should get up

and walk out, and never come back.

Chris, I feel like this is a family matter.

I.. I don't even understand why I'm here.

Yeah, neither do I.

I think you should do exactly what my father said.

- And you should go! - Greg, sit down!

Chris!

How could you do this to Mom and Dad, and let alone Emily?

What are you thinking man?

This has nothing to do with them.

My brother is not gay.

- I've known him my whole life.

- I would know. - Okay.

- RJ. RJ. - I'm so sorry too.

Greg.

Greg!

- Please sit down. - Greg! Greg!

- Sit down! - Greg, please sit down.

Emily, honey, I'd love to know your thoughts on all this.

I love you. I feel like a failure, as a wife.

No.

But I'm not ready to give up yet.

So... you're gay and you're in love with a man.

That doesn't explain or answer to me how you're...

you're going to leave your wife!

Abandon me!

And your daughter.

Your family, your church, your Heavenly Father.

All, so that you can just...

have some momentary self-indulgent fling!

This is about who I am.

I don't expect you to forgive me.

But I hope, one day, you can understand.

And you can help me, to help Kaylee to understand.

- But this is something I have to do. - No...

- Honey? - No...

you do not abandon me.

You have to let me go.

No.

No, honey.

No.

No. No. Never!

I can not let you go.

Why did you do this to me !?

I do not do it to hurt you

This is not the case, dear...

I hate you!

You get out of my house!

Hi.

You know my dad never told my mum

about what happened on our mission?

He kept it from her.

She could barely look at me, today.

My dad's asked me to write a letter to everyone we know,

telling them the truth.

I'm gonna do it.

I'm gonna honor him, and do it.

I'm gonna wait till after the anniversary party and then, send them off.

One by one.

Hello?

- Is this Thomas Smith? - Yes, it is.

Hello Thomas, this is Noah Merrill,

I'm calling you from Salt Lake City.

Yes, I know who you are, of course.

Ehm, to what do I owe the honor?

Well, I'm afraid this call is ehm...

regarding a rather... sensitive issue.

Ehm, sure.

What is this regarding?

Several years ago, your son RJ and my son Chris

were mission companions.

I see.

And I don't know, if you knew this, but...

RJ is currently in Salt Lake City.

No. I didn't know that.

Well...

he is, and ehm...

he's complicating things for Chris and his wife.

They've been meeting at a hotel, near Chris' home.

and ehm.. I just think it would be good if you...

were to call RJ and convince him, to go back to Seattle.

Brother Merrill, I...

I know, this must be difficult for you, but...

RJ is a grown man.

I can call him and ask him to leave Salt Lake City, but...

that doesn't mean he'll go.

Thomas, Chris and his wife are

thinking about getting a divorce.

He's been doing great, he's come so far.

Your son has just...

he brings confusion in the spirit of Chris' life, and

I hate to say it, but I really

I think it was RJ, who seduced Chris on his mission trip.

Again: I'm sorry for what you and your familyare going through.

But to put the blame solely on RJ, it's just not fair.

Your son is a part of this, as much as RJ.

You know that.

Chris was fine until RJ showed up at his door.

Noah,

I think you and I are a lot more similar than we might guess.

I don't think so. I don't think so.

What kind of a father would let his son parade around as a pansy ?

Now, hang on just one minute!

I'm very sorry for what you and your family are going through,

but my son is a good boy.

He's a good boy and whatever is happening in Salt Lake City,

is being reciprocated by your son, or else, RJ would have left by now!

I am proud of my son.

And, this hasn't been easy on me, but...

I love him, so much.

And he struggled too.

As has Chris.

RJ has been on a very powerful spiritual journey...

to come to peace, with who he is...

no matter what the church says about it.

And Brenda and I...

we've started our journey.

And now, brother Merrill...

you and your family have to begin yours

And if you ever say anything bad about my son again...

you and I are gonna have a problem.

Do you understand me?

Chris.

Why did I see him ?!

Now I see the damage I've done.

I'm holding on to something from my past.

It's not just Chris.

It's everything that's locked in me that's L.D.S.

♪ Here I make my solemn vow ♪

♪ To Keep His light in front of me ♪

♪ In spite of what the dark allows ♪

♪ Of what love comes unto me ♪

♪The seas may rage for endless years ♪

♪ The wind may test and age me ♪

♪ Still I will keep his light in my heart ♪

♪ I know he will save me ♪

♪ Here I give myself to him ♪

♪ In sweet and clear surrender ♪

♪ I know his love is pure and true ♪

♪ I know his soul is tender ♪

♪ And if I sink under the waves ♪

♪ If Black Knight comes to claim me ♪

♪ I know my soul will be redeemed ♪

♪ My love for Him will save me ♪

Well, I just wanted to start by saying

welcome to my family and to my favourite people.

What else can I say but congratulations. I love you both.

Well, let's get uncle Noah appear.

I think he has something he wants to say to us all.

Thank you.

I want to thank you all for coming here tonight.

It is the 25th year, that I've spent with my soul mate,

the love of my life, Debra Merrill.

You know when I met her in a conference centre in Cleveland, Ohio

I knew right away that is was more than just a coincidence, that...

It was fate.

And...

I'm honoured...

to have such a wonderful woman...

in my life.

And ehm...

and our three beautiful children, and...

Emily, our daughter-in-law.

You see...

you don't get to choose, who you love in this world.

Our Heavenly Father makes those choices for us.

And...

in the end...

all we have, is family.

What are you doing?

- I'm leaving. - Why?

You have no idea...

how happy I am, to have spent this last week with you.

There's always a part of me, that's gonna love you.

So before I go...

I wanna do something for you.

What?

Forgive me.

I just saved you a lot of dollars, okay?

Do you know yet, what you're gonna say to your father?

I already told him the truth.

But he can't accept it.

So I assume, all I've left to say is: "I'm sorry".

But you've already done that.

Honey, you can't hold this in.

You need to talk to somebody.

I'm not a good person, am I?

Honey, of course you are.

I don't think this was a surprise, to any of us.

Don't you think, your dad is upset because he's...

shocked by this?

No.

No.

I need you to understand something.

Mom, can we please talk about this later?

No.

No.

We need to talk about this now.

You need to understand something.

- You made these choices. - Okay, Mom.

No, you don't listen.

I can't stand as a human being.

You made the choice...

to go on a mission.

You made the choice to get married in the temple.

And these choices, honey...

they gave your father hope.

They gave me hope too.

Oh, honey,

All we have in this life is each other.

- You know that? - Yeah.

And honey, I love... I love our life

And I love our family, our eternal family...

and I love being L.D.S.

And I love our Heavenly Father.

I know, this has been so hard for you.

But let me tell you...

as hard as this is, you have to know,

that you are a child of God.

You are, and He loves you.

And if He can't accept you,

the way that you are.

just the way,He made you,

I let you know, I will.

Okay? I will.

And your father will come around. He will.

I've really hurt Emily, though.

Honey, she's gonna need some time.

Okay?

And you'll give her that.

But right now you need to work on Chris, okay?

Give her some time.

And then, you can help her.

And help Kaylee to understand, what she's going through.

And what is happening around her.

Okay?

My boy...

- I love you. - I love you.

- It's gonna be okay. - Yeah.

Whatever that stunt was, you pulled last night...

it's made the 20 years, that I've given the church,

mean nothing.

Nothing at all.

Of course they meant something.

And you broke that poor girl's heart, with your lies.

You know that, right?

And I've raised you, to be honest.

To be honest, I would have to admit, to being gay.

I've been praying this away, since I was a child.

I've been guilty every day of my life.

Do you really want me, to live the rest

of my life, feeling this way?

If it means your loyalty to God...

Then yes, I do.

- I have to go, Chris. - Dad?

I have to go.

Can we please finish this conversation?

We have nothing left to discuss.

Chris, what are you doing?

I am not letting you leave, without finishing this conversation.

So you're embarrassed to have a gay son?

Yes, I'm embarrassed to have a gay son.

Why?

Cause it goes against God's Laws.

I am your child.

I'm your son!

I live to make you proud.

I've manufactured my entire life,

to please you, because I love you.

Because I am proud of my father.

You're breaking my heart, Dad.

Please don't walk away from me.

Because I can't do this without you.

You taught me to tell the truth, no matter what.

And I'm finally doing that, and you don't like it.

But I'm doing exactly what you taught me to do.

I just want you to have a good life.

I don't want you to struggle.

All I ever wanted, was to make life easy for you.

I can't give you a second helping with this.

I'm gonna be okay, Dad.

Everything is going to change.

But I promise you, I'm going to be okay.

After the anniversary dinner,

the last thing I expected

was a letter from Chris.

He said many things.

But what stood out to me, was three words:

I forgive you.

You see, I love Salt Lake.

Trying to convince myself,

that never seeing him again, is for the best.

But in my heart...

I know it's not an issue...

of if I'll see him again.

But when.

***

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